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The Ace of Spades was often seen as a symbol of death. The symbol had originally been used to print duty tax stamps- the forging of the symbol ended with the death penalty. The card had also been used against Vietnamese troops during the Vietnam war. American troops leaving the cards around to shake their opponents who believed it was a symbol of death. But the card was also a symbol of strength and power which Ace held onto ever since she read about it.
She had never really cared for history but learning about the stupid nickname Two-bit had given her really caught her by surprise- pulling her thoughts all over the place. Learning about the journey the card had gone through only to end up on top meant a lot to her. She had been through thick and thin only to remain on top. Maybe that was the reason she didn’t mind fighting all that much, leaving her proving herself to the world around her that she was tough no matter what fist hit her skin.
Fighting had come naturally to her, throwing fist around the second she could. Two-bit had bit out a laugh as he told her she was when he was teaching her how to throw a proper punch that would hurt the face on the other end of her punch instead of her own fist. She took all those lessons to heart, keeping it close to her chest with each passing day because if she didn’t she’d be six feet underground.
“Keep your thumbs out- not in your fingers that's how you get hurt Ace.”
Two-bit’s voice rang through her head as her fist collided with the guy's face in front of her, Melvin Dipp- God how she found that guy annoying. He was always calling out her name, praying on her like some sort of predator looking for prey- only in his case she wasn’t just some prey he could attack as he pleased. It was funny enough she was fighting someone younger than her yet she was as tall as him if not shorter. It didn't matter she’d still beat his ass.
Her fist gripped his shirt as she pulled her arm back, going to punch him when his knee collided with her stomach sending her gasping for air. He shoves her off of himself, pushing himself up and off the ground then he freezes which sends Ace’s thoughts into a spiral. Why isn’t he hitting her? He has every opportunity to get leverage on her so why isn’t he coming at her? Before she has a chance to recover he turns and runs.
Ace can’t help but huff out a laugh because he just fucking runs like a dog with its tail between his legs. She looks around- blinking through the rain she notices all the socs running off to their cars. It hits her that they won.
They fucking won.
She laughs, pushing herself off the ground and just stands for a moment, letting the rain wash over her body as a grin breaks out of her face. She’s quick to move to Two-bit’s side who is struggling to stand up. Steve grabs his other arm and helps lift him up. She’s turning before she knows it- her hands landing on Ponyboy’s shoulders as she just laughs because she couldn’t believe it. Ponyboy’s laughing right there with her, the grin shining just as brightly as the moon in the darkness of the night.
“We did it short stack! We did it!”
He rolls his eyes and laughs, his hands matching her own. God she missed that laugh so much. She missed him and Johnny so much. She nearly lost it when she found out the two had been considered missing and murderers. She remembered heading over to the Curtis’ with Two-bit- golly she has never seen him so mad before. No one in their group realized how the both of them truly brought their small little group together.
Ace had always loved Johnny, always wanting to keep him close to protect him from the world that was constantly pushing them down. The countless days where he would win their stupid poker days where he would quietly thank her because most of the time he would win with Aces. She would laugh and bump her shoulder softly against his as she jokes about how his win should be hers since he used Aces. He would always smile softly and give her a shrug and tell her “last I checked you weren’t a couple of cards.” Smartass. Golly did she love that kid though. He didn’t deserve half the shit he’s had to deal with. Johnny was the sweetest kid she’s ever met- always kind, never rude or spitting out disgusting comments like some other guys she has met. If she could she’d wrap him up real nice and make sure no one in this world would ever hurt him again, she would.
Ponyboy laughed at the nickname, nodding quickly. “Hell yeah we did!” Her arms around his neck as she wraps around her back as he pulls her in for a hug. She just can’t stop laughing- it's bubbling up her throat as she celebrates. She feels two arms join on either side of her. She turns her head- her eyes meeting Two-bit’s before her eyes jump to Steve. Both boys have these massive grins on their faces that just brightens her own. She pulls away as Pony shifts to talk to Two and Steve. Her eyes land on Dallas Winston rolling his shoulder with a wince. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Darry and Soda hugging each other, disbelief resting on Darry’s face while a smile rests on Soda’s.
Dally is testing out his right shoulder, he doesn’t even see her until she’s practically jumping on him, her arm wrapping around his neck as she laughs. Despite his reputation- she ain’t scared of him. If anything she understands him. He at a young age learned that the only way he’d survive was to be tough, hide behind a wall that way no one could overpower you. Deep down she can see right through that wall- staring at a boy who deep down cares for every single one of them. On top of Two’s training Dally had taught her a few things, taught her how to use the switchblade she kept in her back pocket after a late night he had caught her being messed with by these two guys trying to start shit. It had been a day she and Two had snuck into the drive-in and Two had gone off to grab some popcorn and she had stayed in her seat to watch the movie. These two guys just yelling shit at her and once they got no reaction they started throwing stuff at her. It continued until she heard one of them freeze up- their insults stopping with a click of a switchblade. She had turned around only to see Dallas with a blade to one of their throats threatening to cut their tongues if they said one more word. They hadn’t the rest of the night. On the way home he taught her how to use a switchblade as he walked her home.
Dally’s arm wrapped her, holding her up as he matched her grin with his own. He warns her about his shoulder before joining iin on her screams- the both of them just screaming . Screaming about how they won. She’s practically screaming nonsense by that point. Her eyes looking up at him as the rain continues to pour down on them.
“Did you see me Dal? Did you see me? I kicked their asses!”
“Hell yeah you did! Saw you jump straight on that socs back too! That was tuff Ace!” She wasn’t sure if her smile could get any bigger than it already was. Tuff. God Dally was probably the toughest greaser she knew and if he thought she was tuff then she was. She wasn’t sure why she wanted him to be proud of her but it sure did feel good.
By the time they stop laughing, all of them are climbing into Darry’s truck and heading to the hospital to go tell Johnny that they won. By the time they are running into his room the air suddenly changes- it's almost suffocating as they crowd around the boy laying in the bed. He looks too small, smaller than herself and she was pretty small. Soda and Dally are the ones who tell Johnny of their win of the rumble, Soda practically announcing it to the whole hospital as he shouts out their win with a grin.
“I wish it was one of us. We could get along okay without any one of us, but not Johnny.”
Two-bit’s voice is low, this sort of shakiness to it which Ace has never heard before. Y’know it’s bad if even Two can’t find something to joke about. She wipes the water droplets from underneath her nose as she steps forward seeing Johnny try to raise his head, his mouth opening for a moment. “I think he wants to say somethin’.”
Johnny calls out to Ponyboy and Dally- the two of them moving to his side without any hesitation. This feeling starts to build in her stomach as Johnny starts speaking. It clawed at her stomach, panic building as each second ticked by. She looks down at the watch resting on her wrist-
Tick. tick. Tick. tick-
“Stay gold, Ponyboy..Stay gold…”
The whole room falls silent and she stops breathing. No. No. This can’t be happening. She knows he’s dead, but she can’t believe it because he was just alive. Ponyboy stumbled back, falling to his knees right before she could catch him. His body is shaking with sobs, his hands out in front of him. All she could do was stare at Johnny’s body. Oh God his body. Her lip trembles as she holds back tears. He can’t be dead- No Johnny couldn’t be dead he still had so much to live for. He was only sixteen! Her hand was immediately on Ponyboy’s back, rubbing soft circles as she tried to comfort the younger boy. He didn’t pay her any attention, just kept staring at the floor in front of him and sobbing. Dally stumbled forward- getting in Johnny’s face and shouting like that would wake the boy who wouldn’t be opening his big brown eyes ever again. Stepping away from Ponyboy she watches as Soda steps forward, putting his hand on Dally’s shoulder.
Dally quickly turned, stepping towards Soda with this look in his eyes. It was a dangerous glint in his eyes that made her stomach drop. Soda stumbled back, his hands jumping up like a cop was coming towards him and she stepped in front of him, her hand shooting out to try and stop Dally from doing anything too rash. Everyone had stepped forward, trying to make sure Dally didn’t do anything rash.
Soda bends over and his shoulders start shaking as he starts sobbing. Ace locks eyes with Dally and they just look at each other for a moment, Dally just staring at her leaving her to realize that he was losing it. Johnny was one of the few things Dally truly cared about. Dally couldn’t take it and he was bound to blow soon. Maybe he’ll run off to the next town, she thought harshly. His chest rushed up and down dangerously fast as they remained stuck in a stalemate. Her hand rests gently on Soda’s neck, her thumb rubbing softly up and down as she watches Dally’s hands coming up to his head- grabbing at his hair as tears fall down his face. Her eyes still meet Dal’s as she feels Soda’s arms wrap around her waist as he sobs into her stomach. Her hands wrap around his head and finally breaks her gaze from Dally’s. She takes in a shaky breath, holding back the tears threatening to fall down her face. She refused to cry, not until she was alone.
At some point her arms drop to her side as Soda moves over to comfort his brother who was kneeling on the ground just sobbing. She watches Soda wrap his arms around Ponyboy who just sobs into his big brother's chest, clutching Soda’s shirt like it was a lifeline. Steve steps up, his hand barely landing on Dally’s shoulder before he turns with that same crazy look in his eyes. Steve’s face just crumbles and she rushes over to Steve’s side- wrapping him into a tight hug as tears slip down his face. She has only ever seen him cry a handful of times but she knew how much Steve has cared about everyone, including Ponyboy who Steve insisted he hated. She lays her head on top of his and just holds him tight. Her eyes snap up hearing Darry and Two-bit shout for Dally who had taken off without another word. Two-bit bolts after him and Darry leave’s with one last glance at his brother’s.
Fuck.
Staring in Dally’s eyes all she could think about was how quickly he had lost the spark she had just seen not only 30 minutes ago. You know when someone dies the world suddenly seems to stop, stuck asking about the ‘what if’s’ and replaying everything that you could’ve done to stop their death. Death had never hit her like this before. She’s supposed to be used to death, God only knows how much death she had faced in her life and yet she can’t seem to wrap her head around Johnny’s. Johnny Cade who had only ever shown kindness to pretty much anyone. Johnny Cade who was only sixteen.
When Two-bit and Darry come back with a nurse she couldn’t help but feel this hopelessness settle in her chest. She can’t shake this feeling off, like something worse was going to happen and that made her feel sick. The next thing she knows she’s sitting in the back of Darry’s truck leaning into Two-bit’s side just staring down at her wrist, just watching the time ticking away. Two tighten his grip on her causing her to look up at him. His face pinched shut like he’s trying real hard not to cry, she wouldn’t blame him if he did. Two-bit cared a whole lot about Johnny. She’d sneak into Two’s room and finding Johnny wrapped in Two’s arm. That’s the only time she’s ever seen that kid in true peace. Well besides when he had- she looks back down at her watch. She wonders how much worse could this day get- regret sinking into her stomach as the wind hits her face because she just has this feeling something else was about to happen. In that moment she hears through the open window Soda tell Darry to check the train tracks- that Dally would probably be jumping on the next train and heading to the next city, forever leaving behind the life he had lived in Tulsa.
Death would be something that lived with her for the rest of her life, standing right by her side watching as the world kept spinning around her. All she could think as she jumped out of the back of Darry’s truck is that he would never look at her like he had after the rumble.
He wouldn’t be looking at her like that ever again.
His eyes would no longer have that sharp look, darting around every room looking for the best escape route. Dallas Winston didn’t need another escape route, he had found his last one. To Ace it felt like days had gone by as she stood there looking at the derailed freighter, coughing up the sobs that pushed its way up her throat as she swallowed down the bile that rose up her throat. None of it felt real. Johnny and Dallas couldn’t be dead. They just couldn’t be.
Her legs give out underneath herself, the sound of sobs filling her ears and she isn’t sure if it’s her own or Steve’s who stood next to her. She feels arms wrap around her, pulling her into their chest as she sobs. She didn’t have enough energy to be strong. How could she be strong when the strongest person she knew was on the front of the freighter train? A hand rests on the back of her head, whispers of soft nothings- her hands gripping onto the shirt in front of her as the world continues around her.
The next few days move by in a blur, between having to talk to the cops again and making sure she didn’t lose anymore of her friends than she already had. She could hardly remember much if she was honest. She spends a lot of her time with Two-bit, making sure he don’t drink himself to death. Steve pulled away which hurts far worse than she thought it would. She tells herself it’s just how he’s coping and that he’ll talk to her when he’s ready. Soda is too focused on his brother to even think about how he’s feeling and Darry is doing the same exact thing he did when his own parents had died. Too busy planning the second funeral that year to focus on anything but that and his brother.
She had gone to their funerals. The Curtis' funerals. It was like losing her grandparents all over again- like she was stuck in a cycle of losing people who actually gave two shits about her. Guess that cycle continued on, right? Someone bumps her shoulder, its soft bump meant as a greeting of some sort. She turned, coming face to face with no other than Darrel Curtis himself. The exhaustion clear on his face even through the small smile he offers her. He’s leaning against the counter like she was, must’ve been there to pick up Soda. The Dx was pretty empty, just her, Darry, and Soda who excuses himself to go finish up one last thing before he clocked out for the day. She gives him a small greeting and pushes herself up and stretches. She should be heading out soon anyways- no point in staying around when none of her friends would be there. She starts to speak when Darry speaks up.
“Ace are you-” He sighs, running a hand down his face. “The funeral is Saturday, ya comin’?” She can see his hesitation, the exhaustion clear on his face as he watches her with this look in his eyes- like she was going to snap any second. A soft sigh pushes past her lips, offering a small smile to the older man. “I’ll be there, don't worry Superman. I’ll drag Two and Steve with me.” His frown deepens as a sigh of his own escaping his lips as a hand comes up to rub his eyes once again. “Alright just- how ya doin’ Ace? You don’t gotta be-”
“I’m alright.” She gives him a smile. It ain’t one of those smiles she meant- one Darry had probably given his brothers hundreds of times as a means to comfort them from the truth. The silence around them is suffocating because she knows that Darry knows she lying and she knows he won’t call her out for it. Soda breaks it by walking back into the room and pausing, almost immediately sensing the tension. “Just- If you need anythin’ don’t be afraid to ask alright?” Darry’s voice is soft and sincere which she appreciates more than he’ll ever know. Her smile falters and she nods once. “I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.” For a moment she hesitates before speaking up again. “I best be headin’ out, see y’all Saturday.” She hears Soda give her a quick goodbye before asking his brother if anything happened.
The next thing she knows she's staring at a casket and an urn at their funerals. She was able to tell Two-bit and Steve about the funeral a few days ago- both agreeing without an ounce of hesitation laced in their voices. Two stood beside her, shaking like a leaf staring in front of him with glossed over eyes. Steve stood off by himself, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his face scrunched up. The two oldest brothers crouched in front of Pony who was sobbing, his hands grabbing at his hair so tight it looked like it hurt. By the time she worked up the courage to go up to them she was fighting back tears. Seeing him all dressed up when it hits her that this would be the last time she sees his face. It also hits her that should wouldn't be seeing Dally's face one last time. With a shaky breath she steps up to Johnny’s casket.
He looks peaceful, like he was just sleeping. The world wouldn’t hurt him no more- he’ll be safe from the hands that were meant to protect him. She stands there for a long time trying to figure out what to say to him. No words would ever be enough to tell him how much she loved him. She sobs out a laugh, pulling out a pair of Aces and tucking it into the pocket of his suit jacket. Thoses Ace’s wouldn’t be used to scare off enemies troops, not this time. Those Ace’s wouldn’t represent death- no it would represent how strong Johnny had always been.
“Keep winnin’ those poker rounds for me Johnnycakes. I- I love you so much.”
She turns to the urn that held Dallas’ ashes. There had been no body to bury, just pieces that they could burn. Part of her wonders why he did it, why he didn’t just climb onto the train and leave without another thought. She would’ve preferred that rather than have to look down to the small urn that held his soul. She feels Two-bit’s eyes on her as she chokes out another sob. “I always saw through your wall Dal. You were real tuff, say hey to Johnny for us alright? ” She wipes away the tears on her face before turning around and walking away. Two-bit gives her shoulder a small squeeze before walking up to pay his own respects.
It felt like she was losing a part of her, a part that she felt like would never be replaced. A hole forever left empty with each day. Her attention snaps to Two-bit walking back towards her, his eyes puffy and wet. She pulls him into a hug and he almost instantly breaks down in her arms. They stand there for a while before wiping away their tears and saying their goodbye to what was left of their small family. They leave side by side, Two’s arm resting over her shoulder as they walk away.
Death changes a whole lot about a person. She watches each one of her friends lose themselves within their grief. All three of the Curtis brothers stuck in a cycle of trying to stay afloat, Steve pulling away from everyone- including herself, and Two-bit drinking himself to death each night. She stays with Two-bit most days, trying to get him into a better place he was drowning in. After months she finally gets him to get out of the house and go to the rodeo with her. After that day things improve. Slowly at that, but it improves nonetheless.
She visits their graves a whole lot, just sitting there just talking to them like they were there right next to her. Things would never be the same again, but they’ll learn to live within the new world they faced now. Even months after the whole incident she still can’t believe their clock had stopped unlike her own that still ticked.
Part of her wonders in some sick way their death had been her fault- like she had been some sort of curse just like the Vietnamese troops had believed in. Maybe she was, but all she could do was keep moving with them in mind. History may always stay haunting the world of past mistakes, but society learns from those mistakes and builds a better world even if it don’t seem like it. That’s a thought that Ace keeps close to her heart.
One day her clock would stop ticking but until that day she’ll just keep walking with her arm draped over her friends shoulders and a smile on her face.