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"Oh crab," Bonnie exclaims, digging through their bag. "I forgot it! Did any of you grab it?"
Everyone shakes their heads. "Sorry," says Mira.
"But at least we noticed now, before we got any farther away!" adds Isa.
"I guess we'd better head back to town, then," you say, with an easy smile, and-
"SIFFRIN?!?" Isabeau has his hand on your wrist.
You don't have time to react before Mirabelle shouts, "What the crab are you doing??"
What? They both sound so worried. You blink at them, and then at the dagger in your hand-
...
Oh.
Oh, stars. Out of pure instinct - muscle memory! You pulled out your dagger and had it halfway to your throat. You almost- in front of Bonnie!
You turn to look in Bonnie's direction, and you hear the dagger fall into the grass behind you, though Isabeau doesn't loosen his grip. Odile is there. Behind her, Bonnie is loudly demanding to know what's going on. You flash her a grateful smile. Her expression doesn't change, like she's still trying to figure out what to do.
"Let go of me, Dile!!" Bonnie shouts, and Odile finally moves to let them through. They stare at you for a second, concerned. "What's wrong? What happened?"
You blinding idiot. How are you going to explain this? You reach for the words to answer them, but nothing comes to mind. What should you say? What can you say??
Isabeau coughs and releases your hand. "He was, uh, juggling his dagger," he says.
"Y-yeah!" adds Mirabelle. "And they... tripped on a rock!"
"And nearly landed on it," finishes Odile.
You look away. "Sorry," you say, and kneel to pick up the dagger. "I'll be more careful-"
Before you can do anything else, someone's grabbed the dagger from your hands. You look up to see Odile. "...I think I'd better hold onto this," she says. "Until you're..."
You chuckle. "Less of a walking catastrophe?"
She nods.
"Do you still not think you can die?" Bonnie asks, and after a second they add, "Wait, were you running around in the House juggling knives all the time?? That sounds crabbing awesome! Why'd we have to forget that!!"
You chuckle. "Only sometimes!"
"Wait, did you actually die that way, though?"
"No."
The others all stare at you incredulously.
"What!" you insist. "I didn't!!"
"Booring," says Bonnie, turning to head back the way you came. They pause, though, and add, "You're okay, right?"
"Yeah," you tell them.
"Good. Let's get going, then!"
Isabeau and Mirabelle share a look. Odile returns to Bonnie's side and says, "I'll go back with you. I think Siffrin might need a minute."
"I'm fine," you try to insist.
She glares at you for a second before glancing at Mirabelle. "Can you two make sure they're not injured?" she says. Code for 'sit him down and force him to tell you what's wrong.' You want to object, but at this point it would probably just worry them all even more, so you don't say anything else while Isa and Mira nod.
When Odile and Bonnie are out of sight, Mirabelle lets out a breath, like she'd been holding it for a long time.
"Sif..." Isabeau starts.
You don't wait for him to finish. "Sorry, Isa. Just... habit, you know?" You smile, but he probably sees right through it - he's been annoyingly good at reading you since the loops. Or maybe you're just worse at hiding things, now.
"Habit??" says Mirabelle.
You shrink a little. "From the loops," you specify. "It's..." You pause, and breathe in, and out. "I could only go back when I died," you explain. "And we couldn't really backtrack in the House, right? So if I forgot something important," like that blinding stupid key on the second floor, "I'd have to go run into a tear, or lose a battle, or... well..."
Mira's holding her hands over her mouth, horrified.
You try to reassure her. "It's not a big deal! I just have to relearn some muscle memory, that's all!"
"Why'd you do that instead of finding a tear?" asks Isabeau. "They were all over the place in the House, and... didn't it hurt?"
You shrug. "Sure, but once I had a little practice- it was just faster than running around looking for something else to kill me."
Faster. More convenient. Stars, if Loop could see you now...
"And we didn't stop you?"
You blink. Isabeau looks like he's on the verge of tears.
"How many times did you kill yourself and we didn't stop you?"
"Y-you tried!" you stammer. "Every time! I just- you couldn't have seen it coming-"
Mirabelle interjects, "How many times, Siffrin?"
"What- I didn't count!"
"It was too many to count?!"
"That is not what I said!!" You pause and catch your breath. In, and out. "I counted the loops," you tell them. "There were a hundred and seventeen, total. I never kept track of how I died."
"But it was more than once or twice," says Isa.
"W-well..." You really wish you had your hat to hide under. "Yeah."
It's quiet for a minute while you all think. You hate to admit it, but Odile was probably right to take your dagger - if this had happened when Isabeau wasn't nearby...
Mirabelle is the first to speak again. "Is there any other 'muscle memory' we should be worried about?"
You grimace. It's a fair question. "I don't think so..." you start, and pause to try to think it through. Bonnie already knows you're allergic to pineapples, so you're unlikely to repeat that mistake again. If you run into another banana peel, the smell will probably keep you away on its own. Was there another way you ever died...?
"Should I keep an eye on you when we run into sadnesses?" Isa asks.
You blink. "Nah, I never lost a fight on purpose." You were a little more reckless than normal, but that shouldn't be a problem against the weak sadnesses you've been seeing lately. "I mean, it would've taken forever, and you all would've gotten hurt, too-"
Ah, Mirabelle looks angry. Maybe you shouldn't have said that. "You think we didn't get hurt if you died some other way?" she asks.
"Right," adds Isabeau, "when you... used your dagger... it wasn't instant, was it?"
You wince. You still remember how they reacted the first time, in the minutes it took you to bleed out. Isa pulling the dagger back out. Odile trying to stop the bleeding. Mira trying to heal you. Bonnie...
"It was pretty fast once I knew how to do it," you mutter. You know it isn't the right thing to say. "I'm sorry," you add, quietly.
Isa moves to hug you, but hesitates, watching your expression. You step forward and let him pull you closer. Behind you, Mira closes in and completes the group hug. You're glad they do this sometimes, now - asking for touch is still too embarrassing most days, especially bad days, but just knowing they understand, that they're not trying to avoid it anymore... it's nice. You close your eye and lean into Isa's chest.
"...Thank you for catching me, Isa."
"Anytime, Sif." He sounds like he's smiling. "Wait, no. Not anytime. Please never do this again."
"Promise you'll be more careful from now on!" says Mirabelle. "I'm not letting go until you promise!!"
You laugh, and hug them back. "Promise."