Chapter Text
“This is my little brother,” Dick said, grinning widely.
“I thought your little brother was littler.” One of the kids said.
“He looks just as grumpy.” Someone else said.
“Less grumpy,” A third said. “More… Bored.”
Tim fought the urge to roll his eyes.
This was exactly why he never came to Dick’s gymnastics classes, the kids always stared at him or said the most batshit insane things with no context whatsoever but worst of all, as soon as the students would find out that they were siblings, one of them will inevitably-
“Can you do a backflip?”
“Nah,” Dick answered for him. “Tim’s not very sporty.”
“He can try!” The first said. “I can show you! But you need to know how to land! See! It’s like this!”
Tim glared at Dick, knowing full well that there wasn’t going to be any help coming from him.
No, Dick was all too amused about the fact that sweet little Timmy Drake was so sweet and so little that he would probably start crying about a hang nail the moment he tried to even consider doing a gymnastics skill.
“I can’t do flips.” Tim said. “Like Dick said, I’m not very sporty.”
“What’s that then?”
Tim followed the students finger towards the skateboard he’d left by the door of the gym. The few times he came here to wait for Dick, he would usually leave it in the small staff office but seeing as Tim had no intention of staying long, he’d left it just off the safety mats.
“A skateboard.” Tim said vaguely.
“Skating is sport!” One of the kids, the loudest apparently, said.
“My Mom says it’s not.” Another student said glumly.
Dick was still grinning.
As much as Tim wanted to flip him off, he didn’t, on account of the children of course. The sweet innocent children who had impossibly come closer to him now, crowding into his personal space.
“I just skate occasionally.” Tim said.
“Can you show us?”
“We’re at a Gym.” Tim said. “You’re not meant to skate at a gym. We, uh, have to follow the rules when it comes to-”
“Nah-uh!” The kids chorused.
“My Mom says that every person that skates is a delinquent. Delinquents don’t follow rules.”
Tim looked to Dick, begging him silently to just let the torture end already.
Tim loved kids, he really did, but he also had had a very long day and really did not feel like socialising with anyone right now, let alone someone with a shitty sounding Mom with shitty sounding opinions about skateboarders.
“Aw, what a shame,” Dick said. “Since Timmy can’t show us his skating skills, who wants to show him what we do on a balance bar?”
“Actually,” Tim raised a hand. “I was just dropping in to ask you to-”
“Angela! Let’s show him how to do it safely! What’s the first rule of the Gym?”
“No running!” The kids echoed while the quiet glum one said. “No wearing Joker masks.”
“Excellent!” Dick grinned. “So, Angela, how about you show Tim just how to keep your balance on the beam.”
No matter how hard Tim glared at Dick, Dick’s grin showed no sign of slipping.
The grin was perfect, almost too much so.
“I have my headphones.” Tim said. “I don’t want to break them.”
“I’ll keep them safe!”
“But I-” Tim tried.
“Come on Timmy,” Dick said. “It’s just a little fun.”
Dick’s grin was still wide but there was something off about his eyes.
Tim was tired, beyond tired, but maybe socialising just for a little while wouldn’t be so bad if it gave him a chance to stay close by to his brother.
“If I break my arm,” Tim said. “I hope you know that it’s going to be your fault.”
Dick waved him off, still wearing that big dopey grin that was honestly making Tim want to wring his neck, just a little bit.
The same big dopey grin that made Tim want to close the distance and wrap his arms gently around Dick and tell him that whatever was going on in that head of his, everything was going to be okay.
“Hey Nightwing!” Red Robin called.
Nightwing glanced up, finding Red Robin standing on the roof top above him. Once Red Robin knew that he was the centre of attention, he did a perfect double backflip, then another, landing with only one leg.
“Hey Red Robin!” Nightwing called back with a grin. “Careful not to break your arm!”
Firing off his grappling hook, Nightwing savoured the rush of wind that played with his hair until all at once he was right by his brothers side. He echoed Red Robin’s earlier movements perfectly, then added a quadruple before finally landing on one of his hands, teetering over the edge of the building.
“Show off,” Red Robin huffed in amusement. “But check this out.”
Red Robin extended his bo staff, executed a flip and balanced on top of it.
The staff tilted and Nightwing launched towards him because he was going to fall. He was going to fall and he was going to die and he was-
He was already off the staff, the weapon collapsed and clipped onto Red Robin’s belt with no sign that it had been used at all.
“I wouldn’t do it if I couldn’t.” He said quickly.
But Nightwing’s nerves were all firing at once and it was like a million ants running over his skin and he only distantly realised that his fists were clenched so tightly that his nails were digging into the palm of his hands even through his gloves.
“I know.” Nightwing swallowed roughly.
Of course he knew, Red Robin wouldn’t do anything stupid. Well, actually, he does a lot of stupid things but often that was more his convoluted plans and less putting himself in distinctly dangerous situations by using skills he hadn’t already tested out in safer parameters.
“I know.” He said again. “Just… Careful, yeah?”
Red Robin’s blink was slow.
“At least one of us has to be careful,” Red Robin said. “If only to keep the rest of you in line. And besides, it’s not like I’m you. I don’t test things out six hundred feet in the air.”
Nightwing could only hum.
Red Robin fully dropped down from the ledge on the side of the building, proving without a doubt that he wasn’t at risk of falling and all at once it was like Nightwing could breathe again.
Even then though there was a tightness in his chest that would not ease, even with Red Robin out of danger.
“I’m fine, Wing.”
“I know.”
And he did. He swore he did. Red Robin was fine, he was standing a few feet in front of him and he was fine, he was clearly fine and yet Nightwing’s hands were still shaking and maybe he couldn’t breathe fully after all.
Nightwing sank down, his back pressed against the the ledge.
“Nightwing,” Red Robin said. “Are you…”
“Just a long day, I guess.” Nightwing muttered.
“It wasn’t work, Sabrina wasn’t there.” Red Robin noted.
“Sabrina isn’t that bad.” Dick said.
Red Robin quirked a brow.
“It’s her Mom that’s the problem.”
“Was it her Sabrina or was it Sabrina’s Mom that-”
Despite himself, Nightwing laughed, knowing exactly what story Red Robin was going to say. The sound was rough and in all truth it made him a little bit dizzy but Tim still perked up a little all the same so maybe it was worth it.
“So it wasn’t Sabrina or a lack there of, but it wasn’t the other eight year old menaces that made it a rough day either. Unless… Oh.”
Red Robin blew out a low breath, his eyes slipping closed. When he reopened them, he looked tired, more tired than even Dick felt.
No, not tired. He looked almost… Sad?
“You were dissociating then, weren’t you? When I came to visit?”
Instantly Nightwing went to claim that of course he hadn’t been, he went to claim that he would never lose focus when he was teaching children possibly dangerous stunts if done incorrectly, he went to claim a million different things except no words really came out, no rushed assurances seemed to fit.
This was Tim.
Tim saw through the bullshit, no matter what. And, more importantly, he only bothered to point out the fact that he can always see through bullshit when he decides that the matter is important enough, when he really genuinely wants the truth.
And the honest to god truth was not one that Dick wanted to admit but he did anyway because this was Tim.
“I, um…” Dick croaked. “I don’t remember.”
“The shift?” Tim asked. “Or me being there?”
Nightwing’s throat was like sandpaper.
“Neither.”
“Nightwing.” Red Robin said. “Are you good to be out right now?”
If it had been anyone else, Nightwing might have been insulted by the accusation but again, this was Tim. Tim had decided to cut through the bullshit and that meant that it was an honest question that deserved an honest answer after genuine consideration.
Tim himself has been working extremely hard to more consistently put his own health and safety first instead of always prioritising everyone else or focusing on the mission so this was not Tim insinuating that Nightwing was a risk because he was out here when he was slightly out of it, he was giving Nightwing a genuine chance to reassess if he himself wanted to be out here.
Tim was giving him an out, if Dick wanted it. If Dick needed it. Tim would take on the extra workload without question, possibly even to his own detriment.
“I’m good, Robin.” Nightwing said faintly.
To the younger man’s credit, he didn’t immediately call him out on it. Instead Tim sat down beside Nightwing, not quite touching but close enough that Nightwing still felt his warmth.
“I’m good.” Nightwing tried again. “I just, I need to…”
Nightwing scrubbed at his face, distantly wondering when it had started burning.
Tim did not comment, did not push him, did nothing at all except sit there and wait.
Wait for Nightwing to get his shit together. Wait for Nightwing to decide once and for all if he was actually going to talk about it or if he was going to fuck off and disappear until Red Robin forgot that it was ever even an issue.
Except, again, Tim is Tim.
He wouldn’t forget, even if Nightwing himself wanted to.
If this doesn’t happen now, then it’s still going to happen eventually whether or not Dick wants it to.
“Patrol last night,” Nightwing finally managed. “There was this kid and she…”
There were new tears falling now but Nightwing did not even try to wipe them away.
“She fell. I… I didn’t catch her.”
Red Robin did not offer any condolences or advice. He just shifted his leg until it pressed against Nightwing’s, his gaze oddly focused on the air-conditioning unit on the roof as if only to not need to look Nightwing in the eye.
Dick thought that maybe it was over already except then Tim was leaning his head back a little.
“Didn’t.” He echoed. “Or couldn’t?”
“What difference does it make?”
“If you had the chance to save her, but you didn’t, then you might as well have been the one to push her.”
Nightwing’s eyes widened, his breath catching in his throat because the very idea of-
“But,” Red Robin said. “If she fell and you were physically too far away to reach her, or you did manage to reach her but could not fully grip onto her, or you did grip onto her and she’s the one who let go or any other permeation of what could have happened, then it wouldn’t be your fault. Sometimes we’re not fast enough, not strong enough. Sometimes people die. And that fucking sucks, it really does.”
“Saying to her family that at least I tried isn’t going to make her not dead, nor is it going to take away their pain.”
“No.” Red Robin said. “But at least they’ll know that someone did try. Someone was there, even if they couldn’t save her. She wasn’t alone, was she?”
“Red,”
“She wasn’t alone,” Red Robin said again. “Was she?”
“It isn’t enough.” Nightwing insisted. “Just being with her as she died? It makes no fucking difference. Dead is dead.”
“I think it would.” Red Robin said. “And I think it did. She wasn’t alone, Dick, that has to count for something. You know, I don’t want to be alone when I die either. But if someone had tried to save me, even if they didn’t quite manage to do it, I think I would be glad that they had tried anyway.”
“It isn’t enough.” Nightwing said again, his chest aching. “I’m not enough.”
The sigh that Red Robin let out was quiet and Nightwing almost backtracked if only to not feel like he was forcing Red to come up with lies in order to assuage his anxiety.
But then Red Robin shifted again, leaning his head on Nightwing’s shoulder.
“You’re enough for me.” He said.
There was a warmth that swelled in his chest then, a brightness that slowly began to build.
“Even if you tell little kids that I can’t do flips.”
Nightwing’s laugh caught in a sob.
He leaned hard against his little brother, fighting against every instinct that told him instead to brush away all the raw emotions and put on a big fake grin, every instinct to force everything down so far if only to not have to feel it, every instinct to run as far away from the truth as possible.
The truth that she was dead and he was not.
The truth that just because she was dead, it didn’t mean that he should have allowed himself to give into the nothingness of his own mind even if it dampened the pain of knowing that he hadn’t been able to save her.
Red Robin readjusted a little and while Nightwing thought that maybe it was to wrap his arms around him, he was instead pulling away.
Shame filled Nightwing because Red Robin really did hate him for having failed to save that girl, and he really did-
“Nightwing.” Red Robin said. “Off the roof. Now.”
“I’m sorry I’m wasting your time, I’ll be fine, I just need some-”
“Now!” Robin barked.
Nightwing scrambled to get up just as Red Robin did the same but Dick’s legs refused to support his weight and Red Robin had to grip onto his elbow to keep him from falling.
The building beneath them shifted, more strongly this time, strongly enough that Dick registered that it had moved in the first place.
Red Robin let go, Nightwing’s legs at last keeping him upright.
The building shifted again, sharply to the side, then even more sharply to the other.
“Off the roof, now!” Red Robin ordered.
The building shifted yet again and Nightwing damn near fell, his body not quite listening to him even though Red Robin had easily gone with the movement. An Earthquake, Nightwing’s mind dimly supplied, either that or an explosion.
No, an explosion doesn’t feel like this.
Earthquake. This was an Earthquake.
“Nightwing! Move!”
“There could be people ins-”
“I’ve got them!”
“Red,”
“Go!”
Before Nightwing had a chance to further refuse, the roof beneath Red Robin gave way.
Dick launched forward, gripping onto Tim’s forearm, barely keeping him from falling fully, Tim’s foot on the very edge.
“I’ve got you,” Dick said. “Just hold on and I’ll-”
The building shook harder and Tim was… Tim was falling.
He never screamed.
For some reason that felt like it was important. He was falling, down down down, but he never screamed. He never made a sound at all, not until his body was all at once colliding with something.
Red Robin never screamed, he had simply hit the ground and had stopped moving.
Nightwing had stopped moving too, even though he knew that he needed to go down there, he knew he needed to get to Red Robin, he needed to… To… He needed to do a million things but he was frozen, all at once eight years old again, his parents falling.
They hadn’t screamed either.
Tim hadn’t screamed, even when his body had-
Had…
His body had hit the fucking debris beneath them and Dick had just stood there, frozen.
“No!” Dick screamed.
He threw himself forward, diving down into the hole that had been a rooftop mere moments, or had it been centuries, ago.
There were screams, echoing from below, but none of them were familiar.
Civilians. There were civilians who could be hurt, could be trapped, could be dead or dying and yet Nightwing’s sole focus was on getting to the too still body below him.
The roof caving had taken out several floors of apartments, the building a mess of stone and wood and furniture and blood.
There were screams, there were so many screams but all at once crouched right next to the too still body, barely even registering that he’d made it all the way down to it.
But the body wasn’t still, and it wasn’t just a body.
Tim.
This was Tim.
Tim was laying on his back, his chest stuttering, blood already bubbling at the corner of his mouth.
Dick’s hands hovered above him, not sure where he could touch amongst all the blood where he wouldn’t risk causing any pain. When Tim whimpered, Dick instantly settled on cupping his cheek, thumbing away a silent tear.
“I’ve got you,” Dick said. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
Tim’s mouth opened a little but all that came from it was a weird gasping noise that Dick never wanted to hear again.
“Shh,” Dick soothed. “It’s okay, you’re okay, just stay with me.”
“Mm…”
“Don’t talk, everything’s going to be just fine.”
“Mm… Mask.”
“Don’t worry about that, it’s still on, just focus on-”
“Mask.” Tim said again, barely more than a wheeze.
“This isn’t that.” Dick said firmly. “You’re going to be just fine. So don’t ask me to do that.”
Another tear slipped down Tim’s face and it was then that Dick realised that he was trembling. They both were, at least until Dick gripped onto Tim’s hand and forced himself to calm because Tim was fine, everything was fine, everything had to be fine.
“Dick.” Tim rasped. “Can’t…”
“I’ve got you.”
“Mm… Move… Mask. Take. Take mask.”
“Tim, shut the fuck up, I’m not going to take off your mask because you’re fine, you are fine I promise, just keep breathing, just like that, everything’s going to be just fine.”
“Pl…”
New blood dripped down from Tim’s mouth, his breath catching strangely.
“I’ve got you,” Dick said, squeezing his hand harder. “It’s okay, everything’s okay, shh, I’ve got you.”
While Tim’s mouth opened a little again, nothing came out except empty air.
“No no, stay awake Tim, you gotta stay awake.”
But Tim’s eyes were glazing over, his focus waning. When Dick tried to wipe away Tim’s tears, he found that Tim’s skin was already growing colder, Dick’s own hand now covered in red.
“Stay with me.” Dick said firmly.
“Ss… Sorry.”
“Tim, stay with me. No. No no no, keep those eyes open, you’re going to be just fine, just focus on me just, just, Tim, Tim no please no, please don’t do this. You can’t do this. You need to… Need to… Tim, for fuck’s sake please, please don’t leave me. Please… Please…”
But Tim was growing still.
His chest stuttered.
Once.
Twice.
Dick squeezed his eyes shut tightly but it did nothing to drown out the screams around him, it did nothing to quiet his own head because this was his fault, this was all his fault.
“Mask.” Tim whispered.
But Dick was shaking his head.
He couldn’t.
He wouldn’t.
If Dick took of the Red Robin mask now, it would be accepting that Tim really was dying. It would be seeing his little brothers eyes one final time. It would be the end and it couldn’t be the end, it couldn’t.
It wasn’t meant to be like this, it had never meant to be like this.
The screams did not seem so loud anymore.
Tim’s breathing did not seem so wrong anymore.
Dick’s heartbeat did not feel like it was racing anymore.
The hand in Dick’s own felt different too, though Dick could not quite understand why.
In truth, he didn’t really understand anything right now. The fact that Tim was growing ever more still, his breathing ever more shallow. The fact that the debris around them felt almost wet for some reason. The fact that there was the smell of smoke developing in the air. The fact that there were sirens, so far away it might as well be coming from a different universe.
No, Dick did not understand.
All he knew was it was getting quieter, it was getting darker.
He was falling, he realised distantly. Not like Tim had, not like his parents had, but he was falling all the same.
He was falling, down down down.
To a place where there were no screams, there were no dying brothers.
He was falling.
Down down down.
To a place where there is no pain, where there is no blood.
He was falling.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Never to be seen again because he had failed at the only thing he had ever needed to do.
He was falling
down
down
down
It was dark.
It was empty.
It was nothing.
It was all he deserved.