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After the Snap- (Tony dies, but Steve does not go back in time)
It’s over…they won.
Not everyone made it though. With the relief of victory comes the distress of grief. The fact that they saved the universe just reminds them of all those who have left said universe; those who aren't coming back.
Tony Stark is one of these people. He gave his life for the good of everyone else. He sacrificed himself in the hope that his would be the final sacrifice and no one else would have to give up what he did. And it’s true, no one else had to die, but grief can feel worse than death. Greif can counterfeit dead.
Peter Parker is in shock as everyone travels back to replace the stones. He held his breath, not ready to lose anyone else. Luckily they all return safely.
Peter still couldn't wrap his head around everything. He had died, he knows, he felt it. He felt every atom of his body being torn apart. The searing agony transformed into absolute nothingness. But then he was back, suddenly, although, apparently it had been five years. Five years he had completely missed. In those five years Tony had gotten married to Pepper (about time), and he had had a child. May had gotten into a car accident and passed. And now Tony has died too. Peter was alone.
Peter thinks he has exceeded his quota when it comes to family members. He has had so many and yet now he has none. He thinks this is the end, Tony was a lucky addition as a father figure of sorts, but his luck has run out, his family days are over.
“Son?”
Damn that word hurts. He didn’t even realize someone was trying to get his attention. But Steve Rogers was looking at him with a concerned expression. To be fair, his face was already lined with exhaustion and loss, but worry was now mixed into each crease in the older man’s face.
“Yeah,” Peter’s voice came out scratchy and strangled. He hadn’t talked since he talked to Tony that final time. Telling him over and over that they won. Peter knows they won, logically, but it feels so much more like a loss without Mr. Stark.
“Do you need someone to take you home?”
Home
With that, his resolve, or shock, whatever you want to call it, crumbles. He starts sobbing so hard he isn’t sure he’s breathing.
“Whoa, kid,” Kid. That word hurts when it’s not coming from his mentor. The voice that said it was a new voice. It was Bucky, he fought him in Germany. “Are you hurt?”
Peter shook his head no, but what else would you call this? He had some superficial wounds, but most of it was emotional. Still, it was painful and it truly did hurt. His heart hurt so bad he didn’t think it would ever feel the same again. It never did after Ben, so why should it now? “I-I…I-”
“Take a deep breath for me son,” Steve said, but Peter couldn’t. His lungs would seize with his sobs, refusing to take in air.
“Step aside Steve,” Bucky said softly, but Peter’s vision was completely blurred by tears, he couldn't tell what was going on around him. “Listen, I know it feels like you can’t breathe. I know it’s scary and you may feel like you will never be able to breathe again,” How could he when Tony couldn’t? “But you can. I know; I have panic attacks all the time.”
Steve has never seen Bucky admit that to anyone but himself and his therapist.
“Can I take your hand?” The ex-assassin was a few feet away, crouched down as Peter had crumpled to the floor, not that the boy had noticed. Still Peter heard the question, even if it sounded like the voice came from another room rather than right in front of him. He nodded.
Bucky uses his flesh hand, so as to not frighten the kid by the chill of his metal one, and reaches out to grab one of Peter’s who had been grasping onto his hair. He brought the boy’s hand to his own chest, letting the kid feel his deep even breaths. “Can you try to copy the pattern of my breaths?” Bucky asked. There was no verbal or gestural answer, but after a long time. Long enough that Bucky’s legs were cramping, Peter’s breaths evened out a little. He was still crying, but no longer sobbing.
Steve had gone to find tissues and returned with them. He handed them to Bucky, who was still crouched in front of Peter. “Thanks Stevie,” the man said in a low whisper, as he took the tissues and put them between him and Peter for the kid to take if he wanted to. The boy ends up using a few to blow his congested nose.
Now that the tears are less he can see around him better. Bucky is in front of him, balancing in the balls of his feet, Steve is standing behind him, nearer to the door. He didn’t even realize it but they were the last three in the room. “Sorry.”
Bucky smiles, although it is visibly worn, “No need,” he says as he lets go of Peter’s hand which had still been on his chest. “Believe me, I understand how it feels and I'm glad I could help.”
“Thanks.” Peter says, but then he thinks about how this all started and his eyes glaze with more tears. He tries to say what he had been before he freaked out, but it’s stuck in his throat. “I-I…” If he says it then it’s real and he has to face it, “I-I do-don’t have any-anywhere t-to go.” The veil of tears covering his eyes fall.
“What’s your name?” Bucky asks, he knows he’s Spider-Man, but doesn’t know his identity
“Peter,” it comes out so small. His name and his alter ego are all he has left. He doesn’t even know if Ned and MJ are okay, they too might be gone. He banishes that thought before he breaks all over again.
“Peter…” Steve says it like he’s thinking, “Oh right, you’re the kid.” I lost the kid. Peter and Bucky look at him oddly. “Tony spoke about you during the blip.”
“Really?” Peter asked as he felt his nose tingle uncomfortably, a sure sign that more tears were on the way.
“Really,” Steve smiled sadly, “I’m pretty sure you are the only reason he decided to invent the Time Travel GPS, or whatever the hell it was.”
“Language,” Bucky cut it. Steve gave him a glare of, really?
“In a way, we owe the survival of the universe to you.”
Peter didn’t believe that for a second, but it was a nice thought. Although, it would have been much nicer if Tony was still here.
“You can stay with us until we figure something else out, if you want.” Bucky offered. He didn’t check with Steve first, but he was positive the super soldier wouldn’t have an issue with it.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“We want to.” Steve spoke up. Although Steve and Tony were civil, no pun intended, recently, they never fully made up. Just came together to ensure the survival of the universe and its beings. If he can help Peter, who Steve could tell was closer to the mechanic than he outwardly showed, then maybe he can make it up to him in a small way. Even if Tony is gone, people he cares about are still alive, Peter being one of them.
It’s not like Peter had much of a choice. He could sleep on a rooftop, but it was cold out and he couldn't thermoregulate well. He could try and crash at Ned or MJ’s, if they were okay, but he didn’t want to freeload. He decides this is his best option. “Thank you.”
So the three traveled to Brooklyn to the apartment Steve and Bucky were staying in. It was nothing special, a living room and kitchen in one room and two bed rooms. It was very small, but none of them needed much room. Usually Bucky has his own room in case he needs to be alone if he’s overwhelmed, but he happily gives it up for Peter. He sleeps with Steve most nights anyway.
Over the next few weeks the two super soldiers hear a lot about Peter’s life. Only when he was ready to share though. They learn just how much the kid has lost in his short life. They learn how he is basically a certifiable genius, no wonder he got along with Tony so well , and they also learned how much of a sweet caring person Peter is.
Anytime one of the soldiers fell asleep on the couch after a mission or a movie, Peter would cover them with a blanket. Anytime there were dishes in the sink, he cleaned and dried them. Anytime they were out of something, Peter would offer to run out and grab it. He was always too polite.
Slowly he got more comfortable though and let more of his personality show through. It was obvious the losses he suffered were hiding the energetic kid he truly is from view, but he was still in there.
Steve and Bucky looked into options for Peter, Foster Care, Group Homes, etc., but they had started to grow attached. It felt more than wrong to hand Peter over and essentially wipe their hands clean of the kid. They couldn’t do it. So, for now they didn’t take any action, and Peter continued to stay with them.
After a while things became so normal.
—
“I’m home!”
Home
“Hey Pete,” Bucky said from where he was making Peter’s after school snack, “how was school?”
“Good! Can Ned and MJ come by this weekend?”
“I don’t know, you’ll have to ask the warden?” Bucky jokes.
“Where is Pops?” That was a new revelation. Recently, as things settled and Peter became more comfortable he started using nicknames. At first it was just in his head, but they slipped out a few times. It became something of a joke, but now, although no one has admitted it verbally, it just feels right to all of them.
“He went to the store, he'll be back soon.” Bucky stated as he slid Peter’s PB&J to him. He was sitting at the island counter in the kitchen. It was the only thing separating the tiny kitchen and the tiny living room.
“Thanks papa,” Peter said as he picked up the sandwich. The name coming out easier and easier the more he said it. It was nice, it didn’t remind him of his other parental figures. He called his dad, dad, he believed, he was pretty young after all. He called Ben, Uncle Ben. He called mAsy, Aunt May. And he called Tony, Mr. Stark. Pops and Papa were unique to him. It didn’t feel like he was replacing all his other parental figures, but adding them to his long list of family. He hopes, begs, and prays they won’t end up like all the rest.
Bucky never failed to smile at the name, “No problem.” He sat down next to Peter after pouring the kid a glass of water. “Listen, Steve and I need to talk to you about something tonight.”
Peter pauses his chewing as he asks, “is it bad?” Bucky would usually scold Peter for talking with his mouth full, but could see the concern in his chestnut eyes.
“No, nothing bad, promise.”
Peter seemed appeased by the answer and went back to chewing.
Later that night, once Steve was home and dinner had been cooked they all sat down at the island. Bucky and Peter sat on one side and Steve pulled up a chair to the other side so he was facing the kid.
“So, now that we are all here…” Bucky trailed off, but Steve understood and brought out a large pile of papers.
Peter’s face fell. He knew it was probably paper work for CPS. Which wasn’t wrong, but it also was not for the purpose Peter was thinking. He wanted this to end as fast as possible, before he breaks down. Then again, he knew his chance with family had long passed. He knew this was going to happen, still, for a short time he had hoped. “I’ll sign whatever you need and then I can go and get out of your hair.” He takes a breath, trying to keep himself together. Before either of the older men could speak Peter adds, “Thank you for everything.” He’s looking down, it’s easier to say goodbye that way.
“Peter, I don't know what you’re thinking, but we are not sending you away.” Bucky was quick to assure.
“You’re not?” Peter asked, trying to suppress the hope that seems to be forcefully rising. He looks up finally.
“No, we’re not,” Steve adds in, “these,” he gestures to the stack of papers, “are adoption papers… that is, if you want to sign them.”
It was getting harder and harder to hold back his hope. “Are you being serious?” Does he really get another chance at family?
“Very serious,” Bucky says, “we would love for you to stay.”
Steve not only cared for Peter, but he also thought about what Tony would want. He would want the kid somewhere safe and close to those he knows. He would want Peter and Morgen to get to know each other. Have his son, of everything but blood, and daughter spend time together. Pepper had come to visit with Morgan, but if Peter agrees to the adoption they have plans laid out to spend time at the cabin more often. Even spend some weekends there.
“Do you want to stay?” Steve asks.
The hope finally bursts forth and Peter does nothing to stop it, “Yes!!”
Bucky and Steve can’t contain their smiles as Peter hugs them both and signs the papers next to their signatures.
He gets to try again. He gets a new family, but no matter what he will never forget those he has lost.
Grief can feel like the end, but where there is an end there is a new beginning.