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The only thing that’s keeping her stable mentally is the idea that when she gets out of the hospital, she’ll be able to do an endless plethora of things. She can go to the amusement park, she can have sleepovers every night and eat something besides the mushy flavorless porridge that gets shoved down her throat. She can fill her closet with beautiful fashionable clothes from the Shibuya mall and make a hundred friends and learn to sew.
She shuffles uncomfortably in the hospital bed, staring outside the window. She hates the sun glistening outside, the giggling students walking with their friends, it isn’t fair how it mocks her–
Saki sucks a nervous breath in and releases it, trying to calm herself. She can’t let herself spiral, because everything will be just fine. It’ll be over before she knows it. Before she knows it, she’ll be free and she’ll do whatever she wants.
There’s still plenty of time to enjoy her youth.
☆
Saki’s been dozing in and out throughout the entirety of class. Though the idea of going to school used to be something that enthralled her, truly, it’s a lot more boring than she’d imagined. It seems that she just romanticized what she couldn’t have. Either way, her grades are fine enough, and she excels in her club, so now she ought to focus on enjoying herself.
She lazily stretched as she walked alongside her friends, as she laid on their shoulders as they rode the train and tore up her sweet little ticket as they walked out, discarding it as trash. She turns to her right at her chuckling friends, walking besides her to practice. Their smiles are filled with glistening joy that she hopes they never lose. Saki reaches her hand out to Ichika and grabs on tight, praying that she's never going to have to let go. Surely their happiness can last forever.
“Hey! I’ll race all three of you there~!” She lets go of Ichika to get her head start, leaving all three of them behind as she giggles.
The taste of the apricot she ate as a snack earlier in school still lingers on her tongue.
☆
There's a raven perched on the power line above her, but she pays it no mind.
There's two concerts scheduled for Leo/need this week, and their band has found success that none of them would have found possible years ago. Sometimes, she even sees their own music play at Shibuya Crossing. The realization occasionally hits her, and it makes pride surge through her. They did it, they're accomplishing their dreams.
So why does it feel so bittersweet?
Shiho's growing her hair out and Ichika cut it short. Honami no longer likes pies as much, she prefers muffins. Their music is shifting, too. Ecstatic rock turns to serenades and melancholic strums of their instruments, though they still do their original school band type music often enough to keep their old fanbase. The fans adore this new style of music along with their typical ensemble, but something about the changes make her feel uncomfortable. Something about all the changes.
The wonderful times she's spent with her friends are tucked in neatly in her memories, but that's not enough. The times from when she was a small child with her friends are already fading from view, and none of them reminisce like they used to. Everyone is replacing old memories with new ones- but that can't happen. There's no need to. The times from their younger years were precious, innocent times. She needs to keep those times on a leash as much as possible.
It’s so hard for her to truly enjoy her teenage years when there’s so much to do. She can’t dedicate herself to learning to sew when she wants Ichika to teach her how to peel fruit, but she also wants to learn different makeup techniques apart from ganguro– ah, maybe manba..? She wants to branch out from gyaru, too. She can never decide, so she never ends up doing any of those in the end.
It’s alright, there’s no need for her to rush, there’s always more time after all.
The epiphany that she may not truly have as much time as she thought she had occurs on May 8th. She shoots awake with the sudden realization that, ‘Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow I will be nineteen. It feels like just yesterday I turned sixteen, right? When did the time fly by?’
And she’s trying not to panic, she truly is doing her best. But her time is rotting away before she even knew it. She took one too many breaks, paid too little attention in her precious classes, cancelled one too many hangouts. Saki should have seen this coming, should have noticed the grains of sand trickling down the hourglass, suffocating her dreams. Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, but she’s dreading her next one.
☆
When her next birthday came along, she insisted that she didn't want a birthday party. Perhaps a shopping spree or such, but she didn’t want anything special. Unfortunately, it seems as though her friends took this as just her being humble (though that’s admittedly out of character for her) and threw a surprise birthday, along with her brother and a few acquaintances.
She grinned blithely to keep them satiated, before rushing to the bathroom to sob. She quivers anxiously at just the thought of going back out there. The cake the balloons the stupid little hats.
She hated it all, it felt like she was being mocked. Immediately after the party she stomped on the balloons after dragging them to the floor, watching the air escape. This was out of character for her, wasn’t it? What kind of person gets upset at having a party thrown at them to celebrate? How ungrateful, and she doesn't even know what's causing this reaction in her. All she knows is that she hates birthdays.
☆
Saki laments on how little she’d appreciated her past years.
She was young, the younger her should have just enjoyed the parties and performances and hangouts. She appreciated it, but not enough. Never enough. Now her birthday is coming up tomorrow, and she’s too old to want something as silly as a party and birthday cake and show thrown for her. Every birthday that comes is simply a reminder of her emerging wrinkles and dwindling vigor.
Icchannn
You’re turning 35, huh? Congrats!! I’ll head into town to say hi tomorrow :)
If only it was possible to forget, but it’s inescapable. Every year she ages closer and closer to her grave, doesn’t she? 150,000 people die a day, and at any time she could be one of them. At just the thought, Saki shivers and heaves, tossing her phone to the side and slapping herself in a haze, all in an attempt to knock herself out of it. But it’s no use. Breakdowns like this have only grown more common to her– and who can blame her? If anything, she’s the only normal person. No sane individual should be okay with possible death at any second, okay with aging, okay with losing everything.
She shakily stands up and looks in the mirror, analyzing every excruciating detail. The slight wrinkles around her mouth that have slowly formed with age, her messy hair bunched up into a ponytail rather than to high pigtails, and weary eyes that glisten with tears.
She punches the mirror, feeling the glass shards penetrate her wrinkly hand