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Loop 37
You’re not stupid.
Or, well, ha. That’s not true. You are! Incredibly stupid, actually! Or you wouldn’t be here! You never would’ve made the idiotic assumption that asking for help would mean you would get that help! You never would’ve ended up trapped in a prison of your own making, watching some copy of you bumble around uselessly and still somehow make more progress than you ever did! Stars, you probably never would’ve gotten stuck in your own loops to begin with, because considering your luck it has to be something you – something stardust did.
So. Yes. You’re stupid, in general, and you don’t let yourself forget it. But in regards to this thing in particular, you’re not stupid.
… Maybe it would be more accurate to say you're not stupid anymore. After all, how many loops did it take you to figure out that your Fighter –
Not. Important.
The point is. You can see the way stardust has been acting lately. How he lights up just a little more when he sees you under the tree, starts walking just a little faster, how their smile gets just a little more real. The way he ducks his head to hide in the collar of their cloak when you call them stardust, as if it’s a sweet pet name and not an inside joke for an audience of one. The light dusting of blush that rises to his face when you say something that implies you might care about him, even just a tiny bit.
It makes you feel sick, the thought that they could feel that way about someone like you. Someone who hates him just for existing, for stealing your party, for stealing everything.
And it’s not like you bother trying to hide it, either! You’re awful to him! And you never apologize or – or feel bad or guilty or anything. You’re not kind or smart or particularly helpful even though that’s what you’re here for. You don’t even make puns anymore, you're not even funny, so –
You just. Don’t understand. What is there to like?
… Nothing, really. Because most likely, it’s just a side effect of the loops. Of the fact that you’re the only other person who remembers, the only one they can really talk to. It’s not that you’re special in any way, it’s just that you’re there.
That’s… a good thing. It means that however this ends, they’ll easily forget you once it’s done. Once they have other people, real people, to talk to again. And – and you’re glad of that. Because – as previously stated – you hate him. You don’t want him to be attached to you at all, let alone like that.
You really should try and discourage their feelings. Be meaner, or something. Make him hate you the way he already should. Sure, it’ll sting, because even if you hate them, you’re still so blinding selfish. Desperate for any kind of closeness, even now. Desperate for any form of affection, even from the one person you despise more than anything.
Stars, you’re horrible. It doesn’t matter what you want, and even if it did, you never get what you want anyway.
You need to remember that. Stardust's feelings will fade eventually, whether or not you have a hand in it. It's only a matter of time. And it'll be easier for both of you if you just. Make him stop liking you, rather than waiting for it to happen on its own.
You can manage that, right? How hard could it be?
Loop 38
You get your first chance the next loop. Stardust shows up, has the usual conversation with you – reminding them of the different things they’re doing, offering suggestions on what to do next, all of that. And then, before he turns to leave, he holds out a flower towards you.
It’s not the first time they’ve done this. You’ve refused it every time before, but he still keeps trying. Maybe you just haven’t been forceful enough.
Luckily, that’s something you can fix.
You school your expression into your closest approximation of a sneer. “Stardust, please. I’ve told you a million times I don’t want your stupid blinding flower. Just – give it to someone else, rather than wasting it on me.”
There. That should do it. They do look sad, which hopefully means you’ve successfully convinced them not to try again. And as a bonus, started chipping away at their pointless feelings for you.
“Will you ever accept it?” they ask, and you almost want to yell in frustration. Stars, he’s so blinding stubborn! A thousand times more than you ever were, you’re certain!
“No,” you say, paired with your best glare. “I won’t. So stop trying.”
Their face falls, and they turn and walk away.
… Well. That’s – good. That’s what you wanted, after all. For him to give up. For them to leave you alone. Stop being so kind to you, when you’re awful to him. It’s exactly what you wanted.
So.
It’s good.
Loop 39
He tries again the very next loop. You scream into your hands the second they leave.
Loop 44
Stardust asks you if you're jealous. Of his party. It's such a ridiculous thought, you kind of want to laugh. What in the world would you be jealous of their party for? Getting to spend time with him, while you’re stuck here all alone? Are they really that self-absorbed?
They tell you that you act weird whenever they talk about their party and you feel your temper flare up, because wow, stars, can’t possibly imagine why that might be! And before you can stop yourself –
“Like what?” you spit out with no thought whatsoever. “Like I’m your partner, waiting at home, and when I finally get to talk to you, all you can talk about is the fun you’re having with other people?!?”
He blinks. You blink. The two of you stare at each other, the words hanging there between you in an incredibly awkward silence. Processing what in the Universe you just said, for some utterly incomprehensible reason.
And the second you have your wits about you again, you backpedal harder than you ever have in your life, and desperately hope that he doesn’t call you out on it.
Stars, you’re an idiot. You’re just encouraging them and their stupid crush, making comparisons like that. What’s wrong with you?
You’ll just have to try even harder to get rid of it, from now on.
Loop 48
Stardust sits across from you, absentmindedly twirling that stupid flower in his hand. You know they're going to try to give it to you again, after this. And you'll turn it down again, just like you always do. Because he never blinding learns.
But that's later. Right now, you both sit there in silence. You feel a little like you should be talking, you've grown used to it at this point, but they didn't ask to talk. They just asked to stay here. For a break from the endless repetition of the loops, probably, and who were you to say no?
Well. You probably should have, if you really wanted to get him to stop liking you. But it's nice, you admit, just to yourself. Sitting there in someone else's presence, with no pressure to speak or perform. Even knowing it'll never last, even knowing in a little while he'll get up and go into the House and probably let himself get killed again… right now, it's nice.
In the moment, you allow yourself to watch them. The way they blush, the way his smile ticks up at the corners when you meet his eye. Did you ever look like that? With your Fighter, perhaps, or someone else before all that, someone you’ve forgotten entirely?
No. No, you’re certain you never did. Someone like you never could. Your stardust would almost be pretty like this, if they weren't your mirror, and you –
You were, and are, nothing but rot. Something to carve out before it spreads, before it takes over everything good.
… It doesn't feel quite so nice sitting here anymore, knowing that every second he spends by your side is another second you're poisoning him, the rot within you creeping closer and closer until he chokes on it.
But. Even still, you're far too selfish to tell them to leave, if it means not being alone.
Loop 53
You wait until stardust is entirely out of sight before frantically scrubbing at your skin, hands up and down your arms, trying desperately to replace the weird-awful- violating feeling of being possessed and controlled against your will with literally anything else.
It doesn’t help. Not even a little bit. You can still feel it, the way the Universe itself yanked on your puppet strings to get you to – to get you to –
You retch, somehow, and clap your hands over where your mouth should be even though there’s nothing there. You’re not going to throw up because you physically can’t, you don’t have a stomach or a mouth or anything thanks to this horrible disgusting body you’ve been given, because the Universe decided it would be the most fitting for you to help from.
How, you wonder, could that possibly be classified as help?
Well. Logically, you know the answer. You’ve been placed here to help with the loops, not stardust’s mental state. And having a handy dandy way to reset at any time sure would help with the loops.
That doesn’t mean you hate it any less.
Stars. You know you’re a hypocrite. It’s not like you didn’t kill yourself hundreds, maybe even thousands of times in your own loops. So much that you lost track. But if anything, that’s why you’re so against it.
You know what it’ll do to him. And you don’t… you don’t want that for them. Because despite yourself, you’ve maybe grown attached to the idiot, just a little. Not in the same way he's gotten attached to you, obviously, but still. You don’t want them to have to go through everything you did.
Not that it matters what you want. Stardust is the one who gets what they want, after all, not you. The Universe has made that clearer than ever, now.
(… You’re still thinking about the conversation when the reset comes. You beg him not to, but he does it anyway. You don’t know what you expected. For them to listen to you? Ha.
But… isn’t it your fault anyway? After all, if you hadn’t brought up the topic of looping with Tears to begin with, he might never have thought of it.
Just another one of a thousand reasons why you’re no good for them, you suppose. Add it to the list.)
Loop 59
Stardust is in the House again. He’s stayed in the House for the past three loops, and they haven't even called you! Not once! And you're bored and lonely and there's only so long you can lay on your back and stare up at the clouds before you run out of things to find in them.
And so inevitably, your mind wanders. To your stardust, because what else is there to think about? And to his pointless crush, that only seems to be growing despite your – admittedly half-hearted – attempts to dissuade him.
What would it be like, you wonder? In a world where they knew who you were and didn't care. You know such a world doesn't, can never, will never exist, but. As a thought experiment. That's fine, isn't it? As long as you don't let yourself forget that it'll never happen.
Maybe he'd come to visit you under the tree more. They already come back to Dormont nearly every other loop (though not always, you think grumpily, glaring up at the House). But maybe… or maybe it wouldn't be more frequent, but they'd spend longer here. And maybe, one loop, he'd be blushing a little more than usual, maybe he'd be unable to meet your gaze, and they'd be fidgeting nervously under their cloak the way they do when they have something they want to say but they're scared to and maybe you'd tell him to just spit it out already and he'd open his mouth and –
And.
And nothing. Because it'll never happen, because you don't even want it to happen. It's just that you're lonely, sitting under this tree all by yourself all the time. And they're the only person you ever get to talk to. That's all.
Stars. You need a – a hobby or something. To keep you occupied so your mind doesn't keep going on these weird winding tangents for no reason. Eugh.
You used to do that paper folding thing, didn't you? You don't remember exactly what it's called, but you have a vague memory of one of your loops, of holding a paper crane in your hand and feeling an echo of a flicker of pride. Something you made, even if it won't last.
Maybe there's some paper lying around Dormont that you could grab without anyone seeing you. Maybe you could even teach yourself to fold something other than a crane. That might be fun, right?
Except that'd mean leaving the Favor Tree. And, well. You think you technically can, but the thought of actually doing so is a little bit terrifying. So.
You lay back in the grass and stare up at the clouds once again.
Loop 61
“Do you ever leave the Favor Tree?” stardust asks, tilting his head so his hair falls over his eye. It reminds you of a puppy. It’s a little endearing, honestly. Or – well. It would be, if they were someone else. “When I’m in the House, or at the clocktower. I know you said you nap and look at the sky that one time, but… there’s other stuff, too, right?”
Huh. You don’t really know why he’s asking, when you kind of already answered that one time. What else would you do?
But they seem almost worried at the thought of you not having any hobbies. So you try to come up with something that won’t give away who you were before this. Which means wood carving is out, as is anything to do with theatre. You think about the paper folding thing you’d remembered a few loops back, because you haven’t seen anything to suggest that your stardust shares that one, but… better safe than sorry.
That doesn’t leave you with much. You could probably brush it off with something like, obviously I can’t go into town looking like this, stardust, and maybe he’d drop it there, but he’d probably still worry. Urgh.
As you’re thinking, a bird flutters down from one of the Favor Tree’s branches and lands next to you on the ground. It gives you an idea. A silly one, but an idea nonetheless.
“Obviously, I talk to this bird,” you say, gesturing. Stardust doesn’t look particularly impressed, but that’s fine. “We go for walks in the woods and have long conversations about – um – philosophy. And how silly your hat looks.”
Oh, that gets a laugh out of them! A very small one, but it still counts. You preen, proud of yourself.
“Wouldn’t it just be the same conversation every time, though?” your stardust asks, playing along. “Because of the loops?”
Ah, stars. Well. “The bird is in the loops, too.”
Your stardust snorts at that, and you can’t help but grin at the sound. “Yeah? Was the bird also sent to help me?”
Hm. Your mood dips just a little at the reminder of why you’re here, but you don’t let it show. “Nope! They’ve been here the whole time. We have no idea why they’re in the loops too, though. Guess the Universe just likes them a lot! Or hates them, maybe. I dunno!”
Your stardust nods, schooling his face into something serious. You can see the corners of their mouth twitching up, though, as much as they try to hide it. “Of course, of course. I think I get it. The bird has been the key to breaking the loops this entire time!”
You gasp dramatically, holding a hand up where your mouth would be and looking down at the bird in mock betrayal. “Is it true? Has it been you this whole time? And you never told me? How could you?!?”
The bird hops, once, tilts its head, and peeps.
You can't help it. You double over in laughter as your stardust snickers. The bird flies off, startled at the sudden noise, but you don't mind. You feel lighter than you have since all this started. And you know, you know it won't last, but at least for right now, it's… it's nice. You w– you wouldn’t mind more moments like this.
(Not want. Never want. If you want something, the Universe itself will certainly ensure that it’ll never, ever happen.)
Loop 66
“Did you know your eyes have different shades?” stardust asks one loop, and it takes everything in you not to do a double take. Eyes? As in, plural? As in, both of them? As in, the Universe decided it would be funny to give your other eye back when it stuck you in this stupid awful body???
With herculean effort, you manage to resist the urge to lift a hand to your face and check. Or to close your right eye and see – or, well, not see, maybe. You're pretty sure you're still blind in your left eye even if you do have it again, because you think you would've noticed getting half your vision back, but. Who knows?
“They… they do?” you ask carefully, hoping that any surprise your stardust notices will be chalked up to the different shades thing, rather than the eyes, plural thing. “I, um… I’m not sure what I even look like, to be honest.”
Ohhh, why did you say that?!? Too vulnerable. Way too vulnerable! And way too clear of an indicator that hey, this body is a recent development, go ahead and look really closely into that, why don't you! You scramble for something to say, and manage to come up with – “Th-there’s no mirror around, you know!”
Not… your best. But it'll do. Stardust doesn't seem particularly suspicious, at least. Actually, they're – what are they doing? Getting up from his root, and crouching, and –
Oh. They're. They're drawing you.
Or. You assume it’s you, at least. The… thing he's drawing doesn't look human, not in the slightest. And you suppose that makes sense, given that your stardust didn't recognize you at all when you met, but it still makes you feel a little queasy to have it probably-confirmed.
(Or. Definitely confirmed. Because what else could they be drawing, in the context of your conversation?)
“… Is that me?” you ask, just to be sure. You try very hard not to think about the way his nod makes you feel, and just stare at the drawing instead.
You know you don't have a mouth, because you've checked. Early on, when you realized you weren't opening your mouth to talk to stardust, and then discovered that you weren't opening your mouth because you didn't have one. And you've looked down at your body, seen the lightless flesh(?) dotted with stars, the star-shaped spot in your chest where your heart should've been, before your wish took its place. But other than that, you… never really knew what you looked like.
You suppose you do now.
“Hm. A-anyway, please make sure not to die too early this loop, stardust~!” you chirp, not taking your eye (eyes. Eyes.) off the drawing. Trying your best to memorize it before it inevitably gets rewound with everything else.
Loop 71
You kick your feet as you watch your stardust walk up to the Fighter, waiting for them to send him away so you can materialize for this loop’s chat. Same song and dance as always. He waits for the Fighter to touch him. The Fighter does not. Your stardust goes on for another loop, alone, alone, alone.
Except that this time, something changes. You’re not sure what it is. A split-second impulse decision, most likely, something your stardust very much did not think through first.
A lack of thought is the only reason you can think of for why they reach out and pull the Fighter in and –
…
You don’t want to be here anymore.
But of course, of course, as with everything else in your pathetic, miserable existence, you don’t get a choice. Forced to watch as stardust is pushed away, as he rewinds like a blinding coward, unable to face the consequences of his actions, as they choke out their usual excuse and send the Fighter away.
As he makes his way over to you, fingers dug into his palms. Dragging behind them the weight of the choice they made and couldn’t live with.
You’re certain, in this moment, that you’ve never hated him more.
Even still, you allow some time for them to collect themself before you start ripping into them. Or, more likely, it’s time for yourself. So you can bundle up the anger and jealousy clawing at your insides into something – not palatable, you couldn't care less about that, but something that won't give away who you are. Were. Can't ever be again.
They hurt, the things you say. Digging into his worst insecurities, the guilt, the self-loathing, and you're glad. They should feel awful. As awful as you feel right now. Worse, even. For making you watch him do that, rubbing it in your face what will never, ever be yours. And you must not be thinking again, clearly, because before you can stop yourself –
“Why did you even do it?” you ask, and nearly flinch at your own words.
Stupid question, obviously. You know why. And besides, it’s less of a ‘why did you do it at all’ and more of a ‘why did you do it in front of me’. But you know that, too. It wasn’t premeditated. If it had been, if they’d actually thought about it for even a second, they never would’ve done it. Not in a million loops.
“I just wanted – something,” stardust whispers. And. Yeah. That’s about what you expected. You hate that it actually makes you feel the slightest bit bad for him, because you get it, better than anyone. What it’s like, when no one will ever touch you. When you barely exist anymore, and you'd do anything, just for the smallest shred of proof that you're real.
But you don’t want to feel sympathetic. Not now. Not for them. Not after that.
You try your best to drag the fury back into the forefront of your mind. Picture what happened, remind yourself exactly why you’re so angry. What he did to you. What they’re still doing. It’s harder than it should be, and you absolutely hate that.
“And besides,” your stardust continues, oblivious to your inner turmoil. “It’s not like –”
He cuts himself off halfway through the sentence, ducking under his hat to hide the way his face flushes dark. Not that it matters. They’re embarrassingly easy to read. Well – they always are, but in this case, you’re pretty sure you’d be able to finish that sentence even without the advantage of knowing his thought processes firsthand.
It’s not like you’d ever kiss me, anyways.
Ha.
You don’t bring attention to it, electing to move onto your usual topics instead. Because they’re right, you wouldn’t. And, really, even if you did want to (which, ew), how would that even work? You don’t have a mouth. What, would he just… push his face into the star you apparently have for a head, and hope it came across properly?
Oh, the thought of that is actually pretty funny. Enough to chase the remaining anger out of your head, even. You kind of want – well. You don’t want to kiss your stardust, of course, that’d be weird. But you’re curious how he’d try and kiss you, if he did try. You might’ve tested it out, if it weren’t for the fact that they’re just as stuck in this time loop as you are, that they’d remember it next loop and every loop after that.
Well. No, you probably wouldn’t, actually. Even if you knew without a doubt that he would forget. Because even as a test, or a thought experiment, or whatever it is you’re calling these things now, it would still be weird. And bad. And uncomfortable.
So.
So.
… Ah. He’s looking at you funny. You must’ve been silent for too long, or forgotten to respond to something they said. Whoops. You really have to be more careful about when you let your mind wander, stars.
Well, back to it. You very pointedly push any and all thoughts of kissing Siffrin out of your head, and get on script once again.
Loop 74
For the millionth time, your stardust tries to give you the flower. You don’t understand why – or, well, you do. It’s because of his incredibly ill-advised crush. Obviously. But you’ve refused it how many times now, and they still. Keep. Trying.
They’re persistent, at least, you’ll give them that!
But it’s really starting to get annoying. He should just. Give up already. Give it to someone who would appreciate it. Someone who would actually deserve it. Someone the meaning would be lost on, who would just see it as a nice gift from a friend.
(Does your stardust know the meaning? Do they remember that much? Does he know what he’s saying, when he offers it to you?
No. Probably not. Otherwise they never would, even with their stupid feelings.
Right?)
… You turn the flower down again.
Stardust’s face falls, and you fight back the twinge of guilt as he walks off. This is for the best. They’ll learn eventually.
Except that not even five minutes later, you feel time rewind again, and not five minutes after that your stardust is sending the Fighter away and running back up to you, out of breath and clutching the flower in his fist.
“Flower for you,” they say, for the millionth-and-one time, and you realize that there is no winning this fight.
“Fine,” you snap, because he won’t blinding leave you alone until you blinding take the stupid thing, apparently. Stars above, they really do always get what they want, don’t they? “Give me the blinding flower.”
Siffrin lights up like the sun, in a way you don't think you've ever seen on him before. And even though you know this body doesn’t have a heart, you definitely feel something flutter in your chest at the sight. If you had breath, it would catch as they walk over and carefully drop the flower into your waiting hand. His hat tips back and the sun shines through the Favor Tree’s branches just right to catch his face in its light, and. He’s.
He’s so pretty.
…
Oh.
Oh, stars, no.
You – you can't, right? There's no way you actually have – feelings. Those feelings. For them. That was just – a fluke. A stray thought that doesn't mean anything at all. Of course not. Of course not.
You carefully look back at him (when did you look away-?) to prove it to yourself, prove that there's nothing there, except that when you meet their eye you nearly choke on the softness and affection in their expression. You want him to look like that forever, you want to be the reason he looks like that, you want to reach out and pull them close and –
Blinding shooting stars in the sky you want to die.
You manage to keep it together until he leaves (thankfully he spoke to you before looping back and doing all this, because you don’t know WHAT you’d do if you had to sit there and act normal and have a whole conversation with them right now), and then you scream incoherently into your hands.
Stars. Stars. How could you allow this to happen? No, worse, how could he allow this to happen? This is their fault, it has to be. With their stupid pretty smiles and stupid kind words and stupid blinding – everything – making you feel this way!
And it’s. It’s bad, right? It’s bad and messed up and wrong of you to feel like this. It's different for Si– stardust. He doesn’t know who you really are. What you’ve done. But you do. And it’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong that you still – you still –
Blinding stars, and now you have to talk to them and – and sit with them and look at them and know how you feel and how he feels and not do anything about it for – who knows how many loops until he breaks out or gives up and! And!!! And you’re horrible and selfish and you can’t give yourself a single inch in this or you’ll never ever stop. The rot inside you will consume them, and they’ll let it happen.
You wish – no, no, no more wishing, that’s what got you stuck here in the first place, you know it – you would rather go back to not knowing. What are you supposed to do, now that you know? How are you supposed to go on like this?
It feels awful. You think you might’ve had feelings for your Fighter, once upon a time, though you don’t remember how it felt anymore. But you’re certain it wasn't anything like this. Like something horrible twisting up inside you, begging to be expelled.
You have to carve it out. You need to strangle it, to destroy it so it can never, ever come back. And you don’t have your dagger anymore. But you do have Craft, so you aim a good ol’ Just attack directly at your own chest, right where the worst of the rot lives, and –
◀◀
…
Ah.
Ha.
Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
You can't die!!! Of course you can't die! That would be too easy! Not that you wouldn't have come back anyway, when the loop reset itself, but this – this is something different. This is just you looping, while time continues forward. Which means even if the loops end, you'll still be trapped.
Perfect. Just blinding perfect. Well, at least you have something else to think about now that isn't the whole – thing with Siffrin. With stardust. It's not much of a silver lining, because everything about this entire situation is categorically awful, but it's something.
(You don't realize until hours later that you ruined the flower they gave you during your fit. Shredded it to pieces. You didn't mean to, but that just makes it even more fitting, doesn't it? You'll do the same to his heart, whether you want to or not. And he'll let you.)
Loop 76
Siffrin offers you the flower again. And you’d much rather refuse it, because you absolutely hate the butterflies you get (stars, how cliche) when he holds it out to you, except that it would be. Weird. Because you accepted it last time, so why wouldn’t you take it this time too, right? It’d be too suspicious.
Ha. As if that’s the real reason. You’re horrible. Awful. Disgusting. You know about his feelings, you know about your own feelings – you shouldn't be encouraging this! But you're selfish and manipulative and you like feeling important to someone, even though they'd hate you if they knew who you used to be.
So you take it, and do your level best to ignore the flip-flopping of your nonexistent heart when they smile at you like you hung the moon. Suspicious or no, you can’t bring yourself to meet his eye. And once he leaves you alone –
◀◀
(You set the flower off to the side first this time, at least. So it'll be safe. So you won't ruin it again, the way you ruin everything.)
Loop 85
Every conversation is agonizing, now. All your focus goes into hiding how you feel, into acting exactly the same way you did before, or as close to it as you can manage. Keeping Siffrin – stardust, stardust, stardust – from figuring it out. Keeping your blinding emotions from showing, even in the face of their – their everything. They smile, and it feels like a knife to the gut. He laughs, and it’s like your insides are being ripped out. And you don’t even think this body has insides, so that’s saying something.
Every time the loop resets, you anticipate and dread the moment he walks up to the Favor Tree in equal measure. They offer you the flower, you take it and do your level best to ignore the stupid awful horrible thrill that runs through you every single blinding time, and the second he leaves, you dig out every last bit of the rot inside you that you can reach. A fun little routine that you absolutely despise.
And as the loops go on, you find out the actual worst part of all this: that it’s impossible to entirely act the way you used to. You’re supposed to be mean, you’re supposed to be awful. You always have been, you know that. But now, when you even so much as think about saying something hurtful, your gut twists in guilt and your throat closes up and all you can picture is their sad little kicked-puppy expression and you just. You can't.
It makes you sick.
But as bad as it is when he’s there, it's almost worse when he's not. Because then there's nothing to distract you from your own thoughts. You find yourself daydreaming, lost in thought like a lovesick teenager, imagining things that will never, ever happen. Scenarios where the loops end and Siffrin – STARDUST – comes to find you and asks you to come with them and beams when you say yes and –
Or ones where the loops don't break, where this goes on forever and you're trapped here for eternity and you're sorry, you're sorry your help wasn't enough but your stardust looks at you with so much emotion in their eye and holds your hands and says it's okay, it's not your fault, and he can live with eternity as long as he has you and –
Or!!! Or even ones where the future isn't set in stone, ones where maybe the loops break or maybe they don't, but right now there's you and there's them and they take your face in their hands, always so gentle, so much more than you deserve, and he leans in close and – and –
Stars, you're horrible. There's not enough Craft in the world to dig out all the rot inside you. How could you let yourself think about things like that? When they don’t know the monster that you are. When you’ll never tell him, because you’re so blinding selfish selfish selfish you can’t just let this one thing go.
If they knew who you were, if they knew the reason you were here, if they knew that you destroyed your entire reality for a single glimmer of hope that was crushed under the feet of the Universe the second you tried to grasp it – if he knew that you picture things like this when he's not around, that you dare to commit the worst crime of all, of wanting something – they'd hate you. And they would be right to do so.
Loop 89
Another loop, another personalized torture nexus created for you specifically. Your stardust asked to stay with you for a while again, and – and just like with the flower, it'd be suspicious if you said no when it was always fine before.
… And just like with the flower, you know that's only a cover for the real reason you said yes: you like having him here. You like it when they're around. You'd love to keep him, greedy little thing that you are, hold him here so he could never leave you, keep them close even after they inevitably got sick of you, trap him –
“Loop?” he says, and you snap out of your spiral to see him leaning forward in concern, hand hovering halfway between you. Because you couldn't be bothered to even do the bare minimum and wait to have your self-loathing breakdown until you were alone, apparently. Because a part of you wants them to feel bad for you, to worry about you, to – “Are… are you okay?”
Stars. Now is not the blinding time to feel sorry for yourself. You turn your eyes up in the best smile you have and nod. “Of course, stardust. Why wouldn't I be?”
Oh, you shouldn't have said that. You realize as soon as it slips out that it's practically an invitation for him to keep digging.
“I mean,” they say, immediately proving you right. His eye is cast to the side, like he can't bear to look at you for this (can you blame them?). “You're kind of, um. Shaking? And your hands…”
…? What about your – oh. You're… hugging yourself, digging your nails (do you even have nails? It doesn't feel like it, but that doesn't mean much) into your arms. You didn't even realize, hahaha! Carefully, you let go and fold your hands in your lap. “Hm. That's – nothing to worry about, stardust.”
You'd hoped that would be enough to deter him, but he's always, always been stubborn. “It… kind of is, though? It looks like it – it hurts, and I –”
“It's fine,” you snap, and then immediately regret it when they flinch back. Stars, you're awful. You try again, a little gentler this time. “I mean – you don't need to worry about me. I can't really get hurt like this, anyway.”
It's not… entirely a lie. Sensations are dulled in this body, but not completely gone. You're glad of that, though, independent of how you feel about the fact that you can still feel pain. If you couldn't feel anything, you might as well not exist at all.
“Still,” stardust insists. “I just – I know you probably don't want to talk to me about… anything, really, but. Um.”
He pauses, and you watch in real time as he chickens out of finishing his sentence. “I – never mind. That was stupid, I shouldn't have said anything.”
“It was,” you agree, because they should really know better than to care about you. Except that they hunch over at your words, hurt, and the guilt pierces you right in the chest. Urgh. “... It's fine. I'm fine. Let's just go back to sitting, alright?”
Your stardust nods, and leans back on the root, staring up into the branches of the Favor Tree.
He doesn't meet your eyes for the rest of the loop.
Loop 92
There’s… something you’ve been thinking about. More and more, as time goes by. Or doesn’t go by, rather, hahaha. You haven’t brought it up, because Siffrin will absolutely react badly to it, but. It keeps nagging and nagging at you, and you know – you know it won’t leave you alone until you spit it out.
You’re just. You’re worried, is all. Because you know what it’s like, to get so used to the routine of the loops that you can’t see anything past them. And – and you don’t know if there really is a way out, in the end – of course you hope there is, but hope has never done a single thing for you in your life – but you don’t want your stardust to give up like you did.
But if they’re not going to give up, they need to have some kind of hope. Something to look forward to. Something that he wants outside of the loops.
And… you really don’t think he does have something like that.
“But there’s a lot to look forward to,” they say, and you bite back a laugh. Sure.
“Like?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. A challenge. Asking, begging them to prove you wrong.
“Well, like –” His eye darts to you, just for a moment, before dropping again. “Like…”
Ha. Yeah. Like you'd thought, there's nothing. You'd hoped, just a little, that there would be at least one thing they wanted. Even the smallest thing he could picture in his future. But you knew better. You've been there before yourself, after all.
(And some part of you had hoped that maybe – maybe, you could be that one thing. That if they ever did think about a life beyond the loops, in their imagined future, you'd be there.
You really are so blinding stupid.)
Loop 98
It's been… rough the past few loops.
Not for you, you're – you're fine, but. Things have been going steadily downhill for Siffrin. They haven't made any progress on finding new leads, and you can tell it's getting to them. And it certainly doesn't help that even now, no one will touch him. Not outside of those ‘family loops’, at least. And the whole touch therapy thing they do in the gardening room, but…
But that hasn't been going well lately either, apparently. No one's reacting anymore, you learn, and bite back a sympathetic wince. That's… that might be almost worse than having no touch at all. It's already hard enough for Siffrin to convince himself that he's real, when everything is the same loop after loop after loop. And now, with this –
Well. You just. Recognize the look in their eye, is all. Unfocused, like he's floating outside of his own body. You remember how it felt all too clearly. How it still feels, really, but this is about your stardust, not you!
And this is… particularly bad, you think. They look like they're barely hanging on, like they're seconds from losing their grip permanently. You – you shouldn't have let it get this far. But it's too late to go back and fix it now, so all you can do is move forward and do better.
“I see you, stardust,” you say, as gentle as you can manage, and a bit of the fog in his eye clears. It’s… something. But he’s still on the verge of falling back into the abyss.
“I see you,” you repeat. “Y-you’re still here, look!”
Every part of you screams that this is a horrible idea. That you shouldn't, that you'll just make things worse, that you'll only poison them with your touch. But just words aren’t enough, and the thought of your stardust losing himself the way you did… it burns.
So.
You reach out, slowly, cautiously, and poke the back of their hand.
Some part of you registers that this is the first contact you’ve had since you got here. You ignore it, because if you let yourself think about it for even a second, you'll only want more and more and more and this isn't about you.
“Stardust,” you say, carefully meeting his eye. It’s clearer now, and they’re looking at you, rather than through you. Better. You manage a small, worried smile, now that he can actually see it. “You’re here, with me.”
The smile they offer you in return is shaky. But it's something. “You’re also here, with me.”
You can’t quite hold back a startled laugh, because – where did that come from? That’s not – they shouldn’t be worrying about you. You’re fine! You don’t need his worry, you don’t need his care (even if you desperately, desperately want it). You – you don’t need their reassurances.
Several seconds too late, you remember that you’re supposed to respond, and barely manage to choke out a quick, “I sure am!!!!!!”
… You want to cry. Just a little. But you won’t, not now, not while he’s here. The fact that the first thought in their mind was to reach back, to comfort you when they're the one going through all this…
You've always thought that he was the better version of you, ever since you got here. He'd have to be, to be able to make it so much further than you so easily. But now, you're certain. You're selfish, so blinding selfish that all you can think of even now is how the tip of your finger burns where it touched them. And yet, he's still thinking of you.
They’re so much kinder than you ever were.
Loop 102
You’re not expecting the call from your stardust, not so soon after the loop reset. But you’re here to help, so of course you pick up. Whatever silly thing he’s got in his head now, you’ll –
“WHAT’S HER NAME?!”
… Ah.
A suspicion – or maybe just the beginnings of one – sparks in you, but you don’t even get a chance to follow it before they’re continuing.
And.
You.
Would very much like to not be here right now, actually.
Ha. Ha. You should’ve expected this, probably. Should’ve known it would happen eventually. But so soon-? He hasn’t even hit the first hundred loops yet, and – stars. Not the point. They need you. They need…
It feels like pulling teeth, saying their names again after so long. Like something vital being scooped out of you, taken and placed into your stardust’s chest instead. None of them are yours. None of them have ever been yours. Not in this world. And saying all of this, reminding him of the times he shared with them, times that should’ve been yours but can’t ever be again, is agonizing. It takes everything in you to keep your mental voice even as you recite off their nicknames, knowing it's the only time you'll ever be allowed to say them again.
But it's worth it, right? It has to be. For Siffrin's sake, it has to be. So they never have to go through what you did. So there's someone there for him in the way you begged, pleaded, wished someone would be for you.
It's the reason you're here, after all. Helpful, helpful Loop.
(You don't ever want them to feel like you did. You'd tear yourself apart to keep it from happening, now, even if the Universe hadn't asked you to.
You're… not sure when that happened.)
You tell stardust to breathe, and hope to the stars that he never speaks of this again.
(But when have you ever gotten what you wanted?)
Loop 105
“LOOP!” Siffrin calls out, running towards you, and before you even see his face you can tell that something is wrong. Oh, they look happy at first glance, they sound happy, but the tremble in their voice tells you they’re just one crack away from shattering into pieces.
He barely lets you get a word in edgewise, rambling about Wish Craft with an almost manic expression on his face. Talks about how this will definitely break the loops, tells you it's thanks to you, and you don't know whether to remind them of the fact that all you've done this entire time is be cruel, or inform him of the fact that this will almost definitely not work, and it's so incredibly foolish to pin all your hopes on one potential solution.
You'd know.
When they finally let you speak, though, you don't say either of those things. Because there's something more important that… you think he should probably know. A nagging suspicion that's started to grow, that you can't quite see the shape of yet, just a vague outline, but…
The loops are linked to the way Siffrin feels. They have to be. Nothing else makes sense, not with all the times they've looped without dying, looped when something's gone wrong, when he felt like the others would hate him, rightfully or not.
Which means that the fact that Siffrin loops every time they talk to the Head Housemaiden… that has to mean something. You're not sure what, not yet, and you know Siffrin won't want to look the truth in the face even if he knows. Because you wouldn't either, if you were in his place. If you'd gotten as far as they have, found out everything he has.
(Stars. You still don't want to. But it's for Siffrin.)
But you have to try. So you ask.
And they… loop back.
He doesn't say anything. But he doesn't have to. The loop itself confirms your suspicions. Worse, it confirms the fact that they won't accept it. Which means that whatever is actually needed to break the loops, your stardust will never figure it out, instead choosing to chase after impossible prospects until… until…
Well. You know what comes next.
You just… hope you can talk him down from it when the time comes.
(You shouldn't allow yourself to want anything. It never ends well. But still, you can't help but hope that maybe, this time will be different. Maybe their fate won't end up the same as yours. Maybe…
Well. You really should know better by now.)
Loop 106
Your stardust loops straight to the King. You don't watch as they fight him, but you do tune back in once Dormont starts to unfreeze, signaling the King’s defeat.
You don’t usually watch up there unless you have to. You hate seeing the third floor, even if the layout is a little different than yours was. And you hate seeing the King, and remembering everything he did to you. To your party.
But this…
You need to see this. If only so you know what to be ready for when Siffrin inevitably loops back.
So you watch. As he goes around, speaking to his party. As their Researcher confronts him.
(It's familiar, too familiar, and you're almost relieved when they loop back. You didn’t, back then. So it’s different. It’s not a sign from the Universe that things will go the same way for him. It’s different.)
As they talk to the Head Housemaiden, and…
And for the first time in a hundred loops, she says something new.
You don't understand. What changed? She's never said anything different, not once, so why now? Is it Wish Craft? Did your stardust do something? What happened?
… It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You don't need to know why she's saying something new. You just need to focus on what she's saying.
So you listen, nonexistent heart in your nonexistent throat, as she delivers Siffrin the killing blow: that the wish is broken. That the people of Vaugarde must have messed something up, so that the loops wouldn't end once the King was defeated. That the loops never will end. That you're – that your stardust is – trapped forever.
(You don't want to believe her. You don't. It doesn't make sense, not with everything you've witnessed. The way the loops respond to Siffrin’s feelings. So – so that can't be it, right? There has to be something else, right? It can't have all been for nothing. It can't.)
(… And if it is – what then? You can't let Siffrin turn into you, no matter what. Being trapped like that is awful, but you'd take it any day over this. So you need to – you need to talk him down somehow, when he loops back. But you don't have enough time to even begin scraping your thoughts together into something that might convince them to keep going before you
feel
a –)
Loop 107
You jolt back to awareness, dread pooling in your gut. You still haven't fully processed the Head Housemaiden's words, still haven't come to a conclusion on whether or not she was telling the truth, but you don't have time to think about that right now. You snap your vision over to your stardust to find him laying in the meadow, hyperventilating. They're muttering to themself, something you can't quite make out. Something about… the King, you think?
You… you don't know. For once, you're having trouble reading Siffrin. He's definitely unstable right now, but it's showing in a very different way than how it showed with you, right before you broke. But regardless of the specifics, you know they're dangerously close to making the worst mistake they could possibly make. Something you can't allow to happen.
So you wait at the Favor Tree, because he'll need to go there if he's going to try to wish himself out of here. And the worry you feel only grows when you see them talking to the Housemaiden. As he says things that he'd never say normally. Pulls out her worst fears and spits on them, and then acts shocked when she slaps them for it.
The worst part is, when he says he didn't mean it like that, you know he's telling the truth. Their words weren't meant to hurt her.
(They weren't meant to hurt her. You may not be able to read him as well as usual, but you'd recognize projection from a mile away.)
You want to grab him and shake some sense into him. Tell them – stars, you don't know what. That this isn't the right way to go about things? That he's not destined to be alone forever? That there's still a way out, there has to be, even if neither of you can see it right now?
You don't know. And it doesn't matter, because there's nothing you can do from here anyway. So you wait, and you watch as they tear through the rest of their party one by one, the whole time trying and failing to formulate what you're going to say when he comes to you.
Stars, you hope he comes to you. Even if they do the same thing they've done with everyone else, ripping into your deepest insecurities – except he shouldn't know those, because you've been careful this whole time, not like the others – or maybe you haven't been as careful as you'd thought and something slipped through the cracks and they caught it and they'll use it against you and – stars. Stars!!! It doesn't blinding matter if you get your feelings hurt a little. What matters is that you stop him from making the same mistake you did. Nothing else.
When they finally stop in front of you, you're no closer to figuring out to say than you were at the beginning of the loop. The anxiety is making it hard to think, the knowledge that if you mess this up, he's the one who will suffer for it. You're on your own, with no script to draw from.
You speak slowly, halting, and they steamroll right over you. Saying they've ‘found it’, the real solution that'll definitely work this time, definitely get him out of here, and –
And your gut drops through the core of the earth, because this ‘solution’ is killing the King with his own two hands.
And you've already done that.
What a horrific sense of irony the Universe must have, you think. To make them break after the exact same thing that broke you.
You try, stars do you try to talk him out of it. You know it's futile, you know they've already pinned all their hopes on this and there's no way to sway them from it. But you still have to try.
It would be easier, probably, if you told him how you know. If you told him who you used to be, that you'd tried that same thing and it didn't work, but there's still other things, there have to be –
But if you tell them, they’ll hate you, you know it. Then again, should that even matter? You said you'd tear yourself apart to save him, didn't you? Why are you hesitating now?
(As if you don't know why. It's because you're every bit the coward they called their Fighter. You don't want to see him look at you with the disgust and loathing you'd normally only see in the mirror. Even if you deserve it, you still can't bear the thought. You can't bring yourself to say it. You can't.)
So you don't tell them.
But they’re not an idiot. He can tell you’re hiding something, even if he can’t tell what. And you slip up, just once, and they catch it like a shark smelling blood in the water.
“Do you know something?” he asks, with a dangerous expression you’ve never seen on his face before.
You choke a little, before finally finding your words. “N-no, I don’t know any more than you, stardust!!! It’s just… I know that’s not it. It has to be something else that’s causing the loops, something else that can break them. Something –”
You cut yourself off, stopped in your tracks by the sound of laughter. Your stardust is doubled over, hands on their knees, laughing uncontrollably. It’s… not a happy sound.
“Stardust…?” you ask, careful. He doesn’t respond, beyond shoving his face in his hands. “Is… are you –”
“Stars,” Siffrin says, finally looking up to meet your eyes. They look unhinged, and you fight the urge to scoot backwards, away from them. You don’t… think they’d hurt you, even like this, and besides it wouldn’t matter if they did anyway, but still – “I don’t know why I asked. What did I expect? For you to tell me the truth?”
Something is. Lodged in your throat. And you fight to get the words out, to ask what he means by that, to defend yourself, but you – can’t. Nothing comes out. It’s hard to breathe. You don’t even need air, so why does it feel so hard to breathe-?
“I should’ve known,” stardust continues, still laughing under their breath. “I should’ve KNOWN – all you do is hide, behind your stupid fake smiles and laughs and you – I – of course you’d hate me, it’s my fault you’re trapped here, but I at least thought you’d still want to break the loops, even if just so you could get out-! If you have something, anything that’d help, I thought you’d share it! But it’s like you don’t care or – or –”
Stardust tenses up, eye going wide. You don’t know what to say. You don’t know what to expect. You’re frozen just as much as the rest of Vaugarde right now, arms wrapped around yourself in an utterly pathetic attempt to self-soothe.
“Or,” stardust continues, slow like a panther stalking its prey. You shrink back, involuntary. “Or you don’t think it matters, because there’s no way out anyway.”
You
choke.
That’s not – you don’t. You don’t think that, that there’s no way out, this whole time you’ve been desperately trying to help him get out, why would you be doing that if you thought it was impossible, you don’t –
(But you did think it, didn’t you? Before the reset? That you still wouldn’t let them give up, if it was impossible. That’s as good as admitting it to yourself, isn’t it?)
No, no, no, that’s not – there’s a way out. There has to be. There has to be, or why were you sent here? For nothing? Just to watch some other version of you be trapped endlessly? Just to be unable to help, when that’s all you’re good for anymore? No, you can’t, you refuse to believe it,
except you took too long to speak. And stardust is so very good at taking things the wrong way.
“You think I’m stuck here forever,” they force out, and you shake your head in panic.
“No,” you say. “No, no, I –”
“Loop.” You stop. You can’t not, dread curdling in your gut at the tone of stardust’s voice. “You knew. You knew this whole time, you knew this whole time there was no escape –”
“Stardust –” you try, but he cuts you off again. Crying out, falling to his knees and clutching at his head, and you – you –
All you can do is try your best to deny their words, scrabbling for some sort of purchase on the cliffside you’ve found yourself on, trying desperately to keep the both of you from plummeting and just like everything you’ve ever done it’s not enough.
“Curse you, Loop,” they spit out. You think you’d prefer if he took his dagger and cut you open instead.
You tell them you're sorry, call out to them desperately, the fear pounding against the inside of your chest like the heartbeat you no longer have. But he's gone before you even finish your sentence.
You're alone. And you failed.
The anxiety drains away, and you just feel… numb. Resigned. You couldn’t help them. The one job you have, and you failed.
There’s… nothing more you can do right now, other than wait for things to reset and hope that it goes better next time.
(Will it? Can it? If there really isn’t a way out, how could you possibly hope to reassure him? How could you hope to stop them from giving up like you did?)
No, no. There – there has to be something. Or you wouldn’t have been put here! You have to believe that. That the Universe wouldn’t have stuck you here if it was entirely hopeless. You just… have to think of it. Just put together the pieces you have, and hope to the stars that a picture comes into view.
So. What pieces do you have?
Well. To start with: you did this to yourself. So did stardust. You know that now. Have known for a while, probably, even if you didn’t want to admit it. But you can’t deny it anymore. Knowing everything you know about Wish Craft now, knowing what you know about how stardust’s loops work – how yours must have worked, even if you can’t remember many of the details anymore…
And you don’t remember doing it yourself, but you do remember watching stardust make a wish, way back at the very beginning, from your spot under the tree. But you don’t know what it was.
You don’t remember what you wished for, what you must have wished for. You can’t imagine what the you before the loops would have wanted, in that moment. Stardust must have wished for the same thing, right? But you didn’t hear what he whispered into that leaf, and you never thought to ask until it was too late.
To save Vaugarde, maybe, except that then it would’ve been over once you beat the King, like you’d expected it to. And that wouldn't make sense with the fact that sometimes stardust loops back based on nothing more than his feelings. Maybe to lead the others successfully, and maybe you just did something wrong, that final run? But then, wouldn’t stardust’s family run have succeeded? You’re not sure how it could have gone better than that.
Do they remember what their wish was, still? It hasn’t been that long, compared to your loops. Only a fraction of what you went through. Maybe if you ask, next time things reset, he’d know. Maybe you could figure something out that way. If they’ll even listen to you, after what happened this loop. If it’s not too late to save them entirely.
Well. That’s a problem for later Loop to worry about. For now, you check in on him to make sure he made it back to the clocktower. Because despite everything that’s happened – or more accurately, because of it – you’re still unbearably worried about them, about what they could do in this state of mind.
At least they can't wish without going through you again. There's the smallest amount of solace in that. Not that it'll matter in the end – of course you'll try to stop them, but you've already proven how incapable you are of that. There's nothing you can do. There never is. Helpful Loop, here to help with the loops? Ha. What a joke.
You've never felt more helpless in your life.
And, well. Turns out you were right to be worried, because the idiot has apparently decided to go into the blinding House by himself! Taking the idea of ‘defeating the King on his own’ a little too literally, it seems. You kind of want to scream.
… You could, actually. There’s technically nothing stopping you. It’s evening, no one is around anymore, and maybe you deserve to scream a little as a treat. For – just – all of this. Everything stardust is putting you through.
(Stars. You know it’s not really their fault. Or. Not entirely at least. You know better than anyone what it’s like when the only hope you have left gets crushed. They’re grasping onto anything they can find, anything he thinks will help him, save him, no matter how unrealistic it is. Can you really blame them for that?
Still…)
With the most self control you have ever managed to exercise, you let out one (1) muffled scream into your hands.
And then you think.
What are your options, here? You could always just let the loop reset on its own, of course, once stardust dies. Because he will die. You’re not worried about any of the Sadnesses taking them out, but the King…
Even if his King is nowhere near as strong as yours was, he still has that attack. And stardust doesn’t have the Housemaiden’s shield to protect them. So.
So they’ll die. And the loop will reset. And… then what? He tries again? Goes through everything again, properly this time?
No. No, you recognized the look in their eyes when they came to see you. He can’t do this again. So instead, he’ll break.
And there will be nothing you can do to stop it.
Which means you can’t let it get to that point, which means you can’t let them fight the King, which means one of two other options.
Option number one: go in after him yourself.
Option number two: talk to their party. Tell them what happened, send them in after stardust. Hope they can talk him down, hope they can do something to help.
And.
You hate option number two. The thought of talking to your stardust’s party makes you feel sick. They're not yours. None of them are. You've been avoiding them this whole time for a reason, but you don't have a choice anymore.
Because the alternative is going after him yourself, and even if you managed to catch him, even if they would listen to you, you don't think you could stomach stepping even one foot into the House. Not even for Siffrin.
You're a coward. You've always been. This isn't anything new.
But you can't just sit here and do nothing, either. So. You'll talk to his party. You'll explain everything, and maybe they'll look at you with disgust, maybe they'll look at you with pity, and you hate the thought of either of those.
But what's important is that they'll go after your stardust. They'll keep them alive, at least for a little longer.
And maybe it won't matter in the end! Maybe the very next loop he'll snap again, make a wish and turn into you! Maybe you won't be able to stop them, when it comes down to it, maybe you're utterly useless after all, but –
But you still have to try. You could never live with yourself if you didn't.
So you call them over, and they gather round the tree, confused and worried and rubbing at their heads, and you step out into view and –
and they
don't
recognize you.
Hysterical laughter bubbles up in your throat, and you shove it down as hard as you can manage. What did you expect? Of course they wouldn't recognize you. Stardust didn't. If even the person you used to be could look at you and not see himself, then…
You should have known, really. You should have known. But like the idiot that you are, you just couldn’t help but hope that maybe, maybe –
It. Doesn't matter. You don't have time to dwell on it. You swallow back the heartache, the grief, and step into the character you've built. The show must go on.
You tell stardust’s party what they need to know, and nothing more. You tell them that stardust is stuck in a time loop. You tell them what you’ve learned about Wish Craft – not everything, but the basics. And you tell them that stardust has gone into the House by himself. That they’ll need to hurry if they want to make it to stardust before the King kills them. Everything they’ll need to get to the King safely.
And when they enter the House, you guide them, as calmly as you can manage. Once all this is over, however it ends, once you’re completely alone again, you can have a good cry. Right now, you have a job to do.
It’s difficult, though. The layout of the House is all weird, rooms shifting and changing and melting into each other, and it’s much harder to see the party than it is with stardust. You tell them which way to go, only for them to call you and say the path you’ve led them down ends somewhere completely different than it’s supposed to, and they have to backtrack and start again.
The only bright side is that stardust seems to be having similar trouble navigating, when you check in on them every so often. And that he’s clearing most of the Sadnesses out himself, so the party isn’t slowed down by having to fight constantly. Maybe that’ll work against them once they make it to the King, since none of them will have learned any of their higher level skills, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. What matters right now is getting to stardust.
And little by little, the party gains on them. When stardust gets pulled into a fight with a Sadness. When he pauses to hug himself in the gardening room. When they pick up that doll they like. Brief moments where stardust is delayed, even just a bit, and you continue to urge the party forward to catch up.
You’re so focused on guiding the party, in fact, that you almost miss it. But there’s a moment when they’re almost at the top, just a little behind stardust, when you pull your senses back to yourself. Just to have a single moment where you don’t have to look at the blinding third floor. Your eyes are closed, and you force yourself to go through the motions of breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out.
You don’t have the luxury of taking a longer break than that. You open your eyes, preparing to tune back into what the party is doing, when you see it. Above the House, the sky splitting in two, an awful shade you’ve never seen before. Somehow, without being told, you know: this is a ‘color’. The same ‘color’ that stardust saw, when they tried and failed to say your country’s name. Which means –
Which means –
(Something’s broken, failing, rotting –)
You call the party again, nausea roiling in your nonexistent stomach. They need to hurry. You don’t have much time left.
Stardust makes it to the King first. You panic, at first, when you look through his eye and see that towering, hulking form, knowing you were too late – except,
Except.
The King strikes. Siffrin doesn’t block, doesn’t dodge. Takes the full hit, and dies a n d –
◀◀
They’re. Back. They strike, silent, as if nothing had happened. Just him, looping back, while time continues forward. Like you.
You feel sick.
Well. Ha. You… suppose the bright side of this is: there’s no longer a time limit. You could probably let the party know they can slow down, take a break if they need to.
… You don’t. You’d rather your stardust not die more than absolutely necessary. You’re sure the party would agree, if they knew he was dying at all. But. They don’t know that, and hopefully they won’t, ever.
They’ve almost made it to the King when something changes.
You’re switching back and forth between watching stardust and watching the party, so you almost don’t notice it. But stardust isn’t… attacking as quickly as they normally would. You pause, curious, because even if the King used his stupid Slow Craft, stardust has an easy counter in Make Up the Time.
Or… whatever Craft skills they’re using, you suppose. Because you’re pretty sure he hasn’t used any of his usual attacks this loop. Just silent strikes and moving on.
But you’ve definitely seen one or two moments in the time they’ve been fighting the King – moments when they’ve closed their eye, breathed in and out, regained their focus. A little faster, a little stronger. So maybe he doesn’t have Make Up the Time right now, but he has something.
Whatever it is they have, though, they don’t use it. And the King keeps slowing him down, ignoring any cooldowns he should have, until you realize what’s happening.
This isn’t Slow Craft. This is Time Craft. This is the King freezing your stardust in time.
Your heart jumps to your throat. How close are the others? You know the Housemaiden has that unfreezing skill (does she? Has she learned it this loop?) but you also know from listening to the same conversation countless times that it doesn’t work if the person has been frozen for too long.
How long is ‘too long’? A minute? Five minutes? An hour? You don’t know, you don’t know if she’ll get there in time, and your stardust should be able to loop back from being frozen – he’s done it before, every time he touches a tear – but is this different? And even if they can loop back – you know what'll come next, when they’re in this state of mind.
And you won’t be able to talk him down from it, no matter how hard you try. You know that now. Because why would he ever listen to you? You’re a stagehand at best, relegated to waiting and watching from the wings. You're no one special at all, and you can't change anything.
Stars. Focus. You can throw yourself a blinding pity party later.
You tune back in just in time for the party to burst through the doors. They spot your stardust, run to his side and fuss over him. The Housemaiden does – something? It looks a little different than her usual skill, but maybe it just looks different through someone else’s eyes.
You don’t know, and don’t particularly care. The how doesn’t matter. What matters is that Siffrin is unfrozen, dazed, blinking up at the others from the floor, and alive.
You watch as the Housemaiden Crafts her shield (except it’s different, it’s another skill she shouldn’t be able to use, and you’re starting to think you should’ve kept a better eye on what exactly all of them were doing rather than only focusing on where they were). As she reflects the King’s horrible attack right back to him.
As the King… remembers.
(You hate him. You hate him. You hate him. You’ve never hated anyone more in your life. Why should he get to remember, after everything he’s done? Why should he get to have that as the last thought stretching out for eternity that he’s trapped in? It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not FAIR –)
And you watch as the others help Siffrin to their feet. Make sure he’s alright – as alright as he can be, under the circumstances. Look over the newly shrunken form of the King, now stuck as a statue forever.
Slowly, slowly, the five of them make their way outside.
(It would be so nice, wouldn’t it? If everything was fixed now, if that was the answer. If there was something about what went differently this time, maybe Siffrin burning every bridge they could, maybe the Housemaiden using a different shield, something different that would break the loops, that would make everything okay.
But you know better than to assume that just because things are different means things will change. And the sky is still broken. Something is still wrong.
It’s not over yet.)
They get to the Head Housemaiden. The situation is different, so the initial dialogue is different too. But it doesn’t change what you know is coming. What’s inevitable, even now.
It starts the same way it always does. Reality twists, fracturing the way it always does right before a loop ends. But instead of shattering, this time, it knits itself back together. Still shaking like it’s about to fall apart, fault lines running across the surface, barely holding on by a thread.
It’s unsettling. That’s never happened before, not in any of your stardust’s loops, not in any of your loops. You’re not sure what to make of it, what to expect.
But if asked, you don’t think you ever would have guessed what happens next: your stardust, growing and growing and growing until he towers above everything, until you can see him with your own eye from your spot under the Favor Tree.
You stare up at them, silhouetted by that broken shade, surrounded by stars and looking far, far too much like you. And you know in your gut, you know, this is where your stardust burns out. There won’t be any of the Wish Craft fueling him left to try again, after this. Even if there was, they couldn't bear to go through even one more loop. Whether he breaks the loops (ha) or dies for good or destroys the world or gives up and turns into you, this will be the end.
Stars. Your chest aches with premature grief. You didn’t want this. Despite how awful you’ve been this whole time, you never wanted this. You don’t blame them for not believing you, but you meant it when you said that you hoped, with the two of you together, that maybe…
Well. It doesn’t matter now. You’ve done everything you can; guided his party to him, told them everything they needed to know. Calling any of them now would only serve as a distraction. And you already know Siffrin wouldn’t pick up if you tried calling them.
All that’s left is to curl up under the Favor Tree and wait.
And
then,
it ends.
The sky returns to the way it’s supposed to look – not the night sky of the King’s reign, and not the broken, horrible shade that’s been steadily growing for the past few hours, but a pretty, light shade, with the sun peeking out from behind a cloud.
The giant, looming version of your stardust is gone, too. You can still feel him there, and when you check, you can still see through his eye – so they’re… alive, at least. They are very high up in the air, along with everyone else, but none of them (save for the Researcher, obviously) seem particularly worried, so it’s probably fine.
You don’t quite know how to quantify the relief that brings you.
You continue to keep an eye – er, Siffrin’s eye – on things, though. Just to be safe. Which means you catch the tail end of his conversation with his family. The one where they admit to wishing they could stay with everyone. The one where everyone says they feel the same, but thought that nobody else did. The one where they agree to stay together, after all this.
And you feel
something
break.
You.
You feel sick.
It can’t have been that easy. The whole time, all you had to do was talk to them? That final loop, the one that feels a bit too much like a dream at times – if you’d just asked, that would have been it?
You would’ve won. You would’ve stayed Siffrin. You would’ve gotten to stay with them. Stardust never would have existed, and none of this would have happened. If you’d… if you’d just…
And now, instead, stardust is the one who gets to have a happy ending. He’s the one who gets to keep his family. He’s the one who gets to live, and you’re left with nothing.
You want to scream. You want to scream and burn the whole town of Dormont down and shred the Favor Tree and maybe the entire forest around it with your Craft, but hahaha, you can’t! Do that! Because! This is the last loop! It won’t reset anymore! You have to deal with consequences now! For the first time in, oh, probably years, right? You certainly wouldn’t know! You stopped trying to keep track somewhere around your thousandth loop, and you’d been forgetting whole loops for a long time before that!!!
You. Want. To. Scream.
But you can’t.
So you sit there and wrap your arms around yourself so you don’t shake to pieces, watching through stardust’s eyes as he makes the rounds, talks to their family. The head pats, the hugs, the hand holding. The promises to talk more, to spend time together, to stay together.
To practice.
You force yourself to watch, ignoring the way your stupid fake stomach in your stupid fake body turns at the sight. Punishing yourself for the unforgivable sin of being the wrong Siffrin. Making yourself witness everything you want so desperately but can never, ever have.
And you only grow more and more angry. You don’t even know if it’s at stardust, really, because when you strip away all your jealousy and look at it objectively it’s not his fault you got stuck here. It’s not their fault you couldn’t bring yourself to talk to your own party before it was too late. No, no, you know exactly who to blame for that.
But. Ha. It’s always been so easy to turn that self blame outwards. He’s so similar to you, after all. Comes from being the same person. And you’re so good at projecting all your self-loathing onto him.
And then they…
They leave?
You listen for a bit, learn that he’s going back to Dormont, and quickly pull your senses back to yourself. Even if it’s all fixed now, even if stardust’s House was already different from yours anyway, even if you watched the others go through it earlier today, you think if you have to see the inside of that blinding House even one more time you might actually genuinely snap.
So you sit there and wait. You know they’re probably coming to see you, because why else would they walk all the way back through the House, all the way to Dormont? Certainly not to see any of the Dormont actors, those one-note characters he barely learned anything about. But you don’t want to see him, not now.
If you see them, you… you don't know what you'll do. Jealousy seethes within you, biting at your insides and trying to claw its way out, making you want to hurt him, take what he has for your own even though you know, you know –
It. Takes a bit longer than you’d expected for him to get to the Favor Tree. Though you suppose it makes sense; he’s not used to the House’s actual layout any more than you would be. And they’re probably still tired from burning out earlier. You wouldn’t be surprised if they were tired for a while, after this. That’s the one thing you really don’t envy him.
But. They get there eventually. They step up close to look around for you, but you’re invisible right now, so of course they don’t find you.
“Loop?” he calls out.
You don’t answer.
He exhales shakily, and tries again. “Loop. I know you’re here.”
Well, yes, of course. But just because you’re here doesn’t mean they’re going to see you. The one nice thing about this whole sponsor business is that you don’t have to be seen if you don’t want to. And right now, you really, really don’t want to.
Except that, “I’m not leaving until I’ve talked to you, y’know.”
… Ha. That's right. You forgot how stubborn he is. They always get everything they want, don't they? And you never do. It was a wasted effort to ever try and pretend otherwise.
You let yourself fade into view, refusing to meet stardust's eye.
“Loop,” he says, undeterred by your avoidance. “I – I’m sorry. About the… about everything I said. I shouldn’t –”
“Don’t,” you grit out. You can’t sit here and listen to him fumble his way through apologies for another second, especially not to you. “Don’t bother, I don’t need to hear it.”
They flinch back, resigned, but… also maybe a little relieved? You… kind of get it. You watched all their conversations with the others, after all. Probably he’s glad you’re ‘holding him accountable’ or whatever, even though that’s not why you’re angry in the slightest.
… Urgh. Stupid guilt. Unnecessary, because you are angry, so why do you feel so bad that they think you’re mad about the wrong thing?
Whatever. Whatever. You fight the urge to wrap your arms around yourself, knowing that would only give you away, and sigh. “It’s not – that doesn’t bother me. What you said. You were right, after all.”
“No!” he bursts out, taking a step forward. Reaching out, hesitating, then pulling their hand back. It reminds you so much of the Fighter, you feel sick. “I wasn’t! I – yeah, you could’ve been more upfront about things, but I accused you of not caring, of not actually trying to help me, when I know that’s not true!”
You could argue that second point easily. There are plenty of things you could’ve told him that would’ve helped, but you didn’t because it would’ve given too much away, or been too risky. Stars, there’s a perfect example right there already – if you’d just told him the reason you knew killing the King themself wouldn’t work, then maybe…
Well. It doesn’t matter now, does it? One way or another, it’s over. One way or another, they won. With or without your ‘help’.
“So, what?” you say, still unable to look at him. “If you just came here to apologize, you shouldn’t have bothered.”
If you stay here, I’ll only hurt you, you think but don’t say. You should leave, now, before it’s too late.
They don’t leave. They’re just… silent, for long enough that you decide there’s nothing more they want to say. And you’re about to snap, you really truly are, because how dare he come back here only to rub it in your face that he’s the better version of you, that they get everything they want while you’re left with nothing, when –
“I didn’t… just come here to apologize.”
Fine. Fine. You can let the anger simmer a little longer. Maybe he’ll leave after saying whatever this is, and you won’t end up hurting him, and you’ll just take it all out on yourself. Wouldn’t that be fun?
“What else, then?” you ask, digging your fingers into your thigh to tide you over. It hurts. It's nowhere near enough.
“I…” You finally look at them, and oh. Oh, no, that tone of voice, that expression on his face. You know what this is, and you can’t let them finish, except you’re kind of frozen in a way that has nothing to do with the slowly-receding Curse. “I wanted to thank you.”
… Oh.
Well. Aside from the fact that you have no earthly idea what he could have to thank you for… maybe you were wrong? Not that being thanked isn’t horribly embarrassing on its own, but it’s nowhere near as bad as… what you’d thought.
“For what, exactly?” you ask, because despite yourself, you are a little curious.
They blink at you, like they don’t understand the question. You thought it was pretty simple, really, but whatever. “Wh – what do you mean ‘for what’, Loop? For – for everything! You –”
“I didn’t do anything,” you interrupt. Something rotten curls up in your not-stomach at his words. You don’t deserve his thanks. You don’t deserve anything. Especially not when you’re probably going to attack them after this, force them to fight until one or both of you ends up dead.
He still looks so confused. “You didn’t… Loop, you did everything! Even if you didn’t always know what to do, even if you didn’t know how to break the loops… you helped me figure so many things out, and…”
A shuddering breath. They reach up for their hat, but find nothing, and look away awkwardly instead. “I would’ve given up long ago without you. I know I would’ve. If I hadn’t had you telling me not to…”
You… don’t buy that, not entirely. Sure, it’s what happened to you, but there were other factors involved in your giving up. Like the fact that you never once beat the King until the very end, while he did it in under 20 loops, way too soon to give up. Like how determined and stubborn they are, in a way you don’t think you ever were. They’re so much better than you. And you hate that.
“And even besides that,” he continues, because apparently he’s still not done. “The others never would’ve made it through the House without your help, y’know? They wanted to thank you for that. For bringing them to me. For saving me.”
Right. Because you’re just helpful Loop, and he’s Siffrin, the better one, the one who won. You feel like throwing up, except you don’t have anything to throw up with.
Stars. You’re horrible. Putting words in their mouth. You know that’s not what they mean by that, you just can’t conceive of someone expressing actual, genuine gratitude towards you.
“I wanted to thank you for that, too.” There’s still more-? “I… I don’t know what would’ve happened if they hadn’t found me. I almost got… I think frozen in time, maybe? But even if I’d made it through that, I don’t… think I could’ve taken even one more loop. I would’ve – I don’t know. I don’t know. But it would’ve been bad.”
… You know, though. They would’ve turned into you.
“And so I wanted to thank you. For that, and for everything else –”
Stars, he’s still going.
“– all the ways you helped, even when you didn’t have to –”
How much longer are they going to torture you like this?
“– and for being there, and for being funny and kind and definitely overdramatic –”
You want him to stop.
“– and maybe a little mean sometimes, too, but –”
You don’t want to hear this.
“– but that’s just part of who you are, and I wouldn’t want anything else –”
You don’t deserve any of this.
“– um – I would’ve been kind of lost without you, I know I said that and I meant it, but –”
You – wait, what?
“– even outside of how much you helped with the loops, I – I’m glad I got to meet you –”
Is this…?
“– I’ve loved getting to know you –”
No.
“– I love spending time with you –”
No.
“– and I, um –”
NO!
“– and I love you, Loop.”
The confession hangs in the air between you, too late for them to take it back, and the guilt and disgust and self-loathing and anger and the joy and the want that you can't help but feel despite yourself all bunch up around the stupid butterflies doing cartwheels in your not-stomach and all of it tangles together tighter and tighter until
you
snap.
You shouldn't have revealed yourself. You shouldn't have let him speak. You should never have let yourself get attached in the first place. This is all your fault, and now they're going to suffer for it.
It’s going to hurt no matter what. The least you can do is rip the bandage off all at once.
“You don't mean that,” you say, cold. It's not entirely true, you know. He does, but he shouldn't. Wouldn't, if they knew.
Siffrin – stardust flinches back, hurt – you'd expected that, and already braced for the sting of guilt you'd seen coming – but doesn't falter.
That, you didn't expect.
“I do,” they say quietly. “And it's – it's okay if you don't feel the same, I know you don't exactly… but I. I thought you should know, at least.”
You fail to bite back a hysterical laugh. You're not even sure why. None of this is funny in the slightest.
“You don’t. You can’t. Don't you know who I am?” you ask, and then barrel on before he can give you an answer. “I'm you. The worse version of you. The you who failed. Who lost. Who gave up. Who tried and tried and tried to beat the King and never once could, not until the very end.”
You get to your feet and take a step forward, jabbing a finger at them. “And you know what happened then, don’t you? That’s right, stardust~! I woke up back in Dormont again! Like it had never happened! All that time, all that effort, all for nothing!”
Another step. He takes a step back, and you feel a sick sort of satisfaction. Stars, you’re awful. The worst. But it’s not over yet. Keep ripping and tearing and clawing until there’s nothing left, until the disgusting facade you put up is gone and all he can see is the failure you really are.
“And so I gave up. I made a new wish. I begged the Universe to be free, begged for someone, anyone to help me! And – and it did, right? It got me out of there, and stuck me here instead. Forced me to watch you get further than I ever did, to succeed every time I failed, to get free when I never could.”
One. More. Step.
“Do you understand now, Siffrin?” you hiss, their name like poison in your nonexistent mouth. “I’m you. And you’re me.”
“… Um,” stardust says, and this is it, this is what you’ve been aiming for. This is where it all crumbles down, this is where they realize how utterly disgusting it is to feel the way they do about you, this is where – “Well. I. Kind of knew that already?”
What.
“What,” you say, in case you misheard.
“I mean.” He shrugs. “Not all of it, obviously. But I figured out the whole ‘being the same person’ thing pretty early. You weren’t trying very hard to hide it, you literally opened with the whole ‘royal We’ thing.”
You. Had done that, yes. It had been funny. Or you’d thought it was funny. You hadn’t thought…
Well. Maybe part of you had, a little bit. Maybe you knew what you were doing, and you wanted them to figure you out. Maybe you wanted, just a little, to be seen.
Not that you’ll ever admit to that out loud. Ew, vulnerability.
… Wait, but – “If you knew, then why would you still – I mean – isn’t it weird?”
“A little, maybe,” your stardust says easily, and. You refuse to let your expression betray you. You should’ve known, you should’ve known, you’re never allowed to get what you want, so – “But I’ve been trapped in a time loop for the past several months. We’re kind of past the point of weird, aren’t we?”
Oh.
They… always manage to find some way to surprise you, don’t they?
And yet. And yet, he’s not smiling. Or – he is, but it’s so clearly fake. The kind of smile they always put on for their family, for the script, when they don’t want anyone to worry about them.
“Anyways,” he says, a barely-there tremble in his voice you would’ve missed if you weren’t paying attention. “I wanted – I just wanted you to know. So. I can – I’ll… go now. Um.”
… Oh. Wait, that’s right. You… almost forgot. They’re you. Of course they’d take your own self-loathing as a rejection of them, rather than of yourself.
You don’t entirely know what you’re doing, when you step forward. Not until your hand closes around his wrist, and even then, you’re not sure what you’re trying to accomplish. Just because he’s okay with this, because they think they love you, you think you’ll be allowed to be happy? You? The loser, the disappointment, the failure?
Even if he’s decided he wants you, even if you’re allowed a taste of the perfect ending he’s created, it won’t last. It can’t. You still feel unbearably jealous, you still want to rip their throat out with the teeth you don’t have, you still want to take everything they have for your own.
But you think of the way their voice wobbled before they turned to leave, you think of the way his eye shone like he was trying desperately not to cry, and you…
You can’t let him walk away thinking you hate him.
“Stardust – Siffrin,” you say, and they turn back to look at you, eye widening in shock. You suppose that makes sense. You almost never use their name. It feels a little… unsettling, maybe, knowing it used to be yours too.
(Even if, you realize, you've maybe been thinking of him that way for a while now.)
“I – I wanted very badly to hate you,” you start off, and Siffrin’s expression crumples. Stars. Why did you open with that, exactly? “I mean – I wanted to. Or, I did, maybe? At first? But also I think it was maybe just that you were the easiest person to be angry at, because I could pin all the blame on you for taking everything from me.”
Siffrin’s face twists up in guilt, and he opens his mouth to apologize, but you cut him off before he can speak.
“But that’s not how it works, is it? I… I’m the one who made that stupid blinding wish. I’m the one who – who killed my… party.”
(You want to call them your family. But you never had that conversation with them, so you don’t know if they ever saw you that way. And you can't ask them anymore, so you shouldn’t… put words in their mouths. Right?)
“You didn’t –” Siffrin starts, probably about to try and reassure you or something stupid like that. You don’t want to hear it.
“I did, stardust,” you barrel on. “They’re gone. Because I wished for help, because I got myself stuck here, my party is dead. They will never come back. And –”
Your throat feels tight. Which doesn’t make sense, because you don’t have a throat, don’t have vocal cords, or at least you don’t think you do. And yet, and yet, somehow you’re still having trouble speaking.
You force the words out anyway, and hope that Siffrin doesn’t notice your voice trembling. “And it’s my fault. Because I couldn’t just – talk to them. Because I couldn’t be strong enough to –”
Before you can finish your sentence, the air is knocked out of your nonexistent lungs by your stardust crashing into you, arms going tight around you. Your whole body tenses up, and they mumble a sorry under their breath, but don't let go. It's too much. It's not enough. You want to push him away, you need to pull them closer. Your stupid star-covered excuse for skin feels like it's on fire at every point of contact, and it burns, and you never want it to end.
“... Stardust?” you say, carefully, hands hovering just above his back. It’s – stars, it’s stupid, he’s literally hugging you right now, but you still can’t bring yourself to hug back. Too caught up in thoughts of weird wrong bad disgusting disgusting DISGUSTING –
“Don’t say that,” Siffrin says, muffled, and for a moment you think they somehow heard what you were thinking, until they continue. “You… stars, I can’t imagine going through that. And alone, too… and – I don’t – how long were you…?”
You don’t want to think about it. “Don’t know. Years, probably.”
Siffrin inhales sharply, utterly horrified. You know what he must be thinking – how could you go through years of loops and never beat the King once until the very end? How terrible must you be at your job, to fail that badly? How –
“That’s,” they cut off your spiral, and oh, they’re crying. You. Don’t know how to deal with that. Hm. You… carefully settle your hands on his back, and he flinches at the touch, but quickly melts into it. It soothes something in you, just a little. Something broken and angry and raw that never once stopped screaming out someone, anyone, PLEASE – “Stars, Loop, I don’t – no wonder you were so angry. No wonder you… I…”
They trail off, shake their head. “And I was acting like I had it bad.”
Despite yourself, you burst out – “You did. If anything, I – at least I knew what to expect. At least I didn’t have any hope left to be crushed, until the very end. You –”
“But I had you!” Siffrin pulls back to look you in the eyes. He's still teary, but determined. Always so stubborn. “And you didn't have anyone to talk to, to help you, to – stars, Loop, and you still helped me? I'm surprised you didn't – I don't know, try to kill me or something!”
“I… might’ve,” you admit. “If things had gone differently. I was…”
Jealous. Angry. Hurting. There's about a thousand words to describe the way you'd felt – the way you still feel, really, none of it is fixed even if this has helped – but none of them feel entirely right.
You leave that sentence unfinished. Letting Siffrin fill in the blank himself. Though… knowing how their brain works, that might not be the best idea after all.
You'll. Worry about that later.
“But,” you say, rather than think about any of that. “Even then, I still… I wanted you to succeed. I – I wanted one of us to make it out, at least. And it was never going to be me.”
Siffrin’s arms drop from around you, and you take a moment to mourn the loss before his hands are. On. Your face instead. Your mind goes entirely blank, and you completely miss whatever it is they say next. Your face feels like it's on fire, and Siffrin squeezes his eye shut like he's trying not to get fully blinded.
The thought occurs to you: can you blush in this form? Is your version of blushing just – glowing brighter? You don't really have any way to tell right now, and asking would be utterly humiliating, but. You wonder. You kind of hope not. Or at the very least, you hope Siffrin doesn't realize that's what it is.
“Um,” you say finally, feeling a little tongue-tied. Even through the gloves, their hands are so warm. It's just about all you can focus on. “What?”
Siffrin’s eye widens, and he yanks his hands back like you'd burned them, rocking back on his heels. You already miss the feeling. You wi– you want – you. Wouldn't mind. If they did that again.
“I – sorry!” he yelps, flushing dark, and you feel your own face heat even further in response. Stars, they're unfairly pretty. You really never stood a chance, did you? “I just – I just said, um. I said that you did make it out. You're here, aren't you?”
Your nonexistent heart clenches a little in your chest. If only it was that easy. “That's… a sweet thought, stardust. But I'm still…”
You sigh heavily and look away. You can't quite meet his eye for this. “Even if the loops are over, even if I'm still here, I don't belong here. Every home I've ever had is gone, I don't have anywhere to go back to.”
Siffrin bites at their bottom lip, worries at it a little. Thinking something over, and for once, you can't quite tell what it is.
“You could…” he says finally, slowly. Uncertain. “You could come with us? I – you don't have to, I know it's not the same, and they don't know you like this yet, and you don't like me, but – if you wanted, you… they'd love you again, once they got to know you. I'm sure of it.”
Ha. There's… a lot to take in, in all of that. And you’d still prefer not to unpack the way your stardust's family looked at you like nothing but a stranger just yet, so you focus on the other part of what he said.
“You think I don't like you?”
“That's not –” Siffrin reaches for their hat, fails to find it, and then just ducks into the collar of their cloak instead. “That's not the point! I just – you don't have to be alone. I don't… want you to be alone.”
It kind of is the point, actually, and not just because you really don't want to think about the way it makes you feel to hear Siffrin say he doesn't want you to be alone like that. Just. The whole purpose of this, of you stopping him from leaving, was so you could clear that exact misconception up! Except clearly, you've done a terrible job of that, if Siffrin still thinks you don't like them.
“I don't hate you,” you blurt, and. Well. Probably you should have opened with that from the beginning, rather than saying you wanted to hate him. You still don't know what part of you thought that was a good idea.
“But you don't like me,” Siffrin says, as if it's just a fact of life, and stars if there was a medal for missing the blinding point –
But of course, you can never just say anything, so instead of something straightforward like ‘yes, I do, you have no idea how much’, what comes out is: “I don't have a heart.”
Siffrin tilts their head in confusion, which! Is fair! Because you have no idea where that came from!
“What? Yes, you do,” he says, and. Well. In for a penny, in for a pound, or whatever the saying is.
“I don't,” you say. “It's – I'm not human anymore, stardust. I don't have a lot of things, so – my point is. I… suppose that wording could have used some work. Maybe it'd be more accurate to say this body doesn't have a heart. But I…”
Stars. You're really doing this, huh? You take a deep breath – more going through the motions than anything else, really, but it still calms you a bit – and. Carefully, slowly, fighting the voice inside you that's screaming how awful horrible disgusting you are every step of the way, you raise a hand and place it on Siffrin’s chest. Over where his heart lies.
“If I do still have a heart,” you say, voice shaky. You hope they don't notice. Or at least don't point it out. “It's the one that beats on inside your chest.”
Siffrin is silent, face near-lightless with blush. For long enough that you start to regret saying that, regret touching him, regret everything you've ever said and done and –
And.
They lift a hand and place it over yours.
“Loop,” Siffrin says, and the sheer affection in his voice makes you a little light-headed.
… Pun not intended. But you do make a mental note of it. For later. Just in case.
“Siffrin,” you echo. They duck their head a little, trying and failing to hide their smile at you saying their name. Cute.
“Is – I mean – I know what it… sounds like you're saying. But I – if I'm misunderstanding or, or reading too far into it because it's what I want to hear –”
He's seriously going to make you say it, isn't he? Stars. Alright. Well.
“I…” You start, and then immediately chicken out. Nope. Nope. You can't do it. You're not good at this kind of thing, and you're a coward to boot, you're willing to admit that. “Um. The – what you said. Earlier. That.”
Siffrin’s eye widens, and they ask, breathless, “You… you love me?”
You flinch before you can stop yourself, because even though that's basically what you already said, there's something different about the actual word being said aloud.
Except Siffrin picks up on it and takes away completely the wrong thing, because of course he does. “Oh. I – oh. Right, of course, sorry. That was… stupid of me.”
They drop your hand, and you furrow your brow, frustrated. What is it going to take to get them to understand-? “That's not – I –”
You. Pause.
You do – that. What he said, before he started being stupid about it. You can admit that to yourself, at least. But the thought of it being said aloud – by anyone, apparently – is utterly terrifying to you. And… you're not sure why.
Except.
Except that… “Everyone I've ever loved is dead. Because of me. And I don't – I can't –”
You feel a little choked. Hard to continue. Not for lack of words, because you know exactly what you want to say, it's just. It's hard.
You don't remember the last time you were vulnerable on purpose, before this.
(Or. No. That's not true. It's hazy, and half the time you're not sure it even really happened, except it must have, for you to be here. But you remember.
If anything, that just makes it harder.)
“If I say it,” you try instead. A little easier, to come at it from a different direction like this, though still not much. “If I say it, or if someone else says it, then it's real. And if it's real, then I risk losing you too. And I – I can't –”
Once again, you can't finish the sentence. But you don't have to. Siffrin softens in understanding. Perks of being the same person, you suppose.
“Okay,” they say, quiet, and reach to take your hand with both of theirs. You… allow it, and don’t think even a little bit about how nice it is. “You don't have to say it, then. But – um. Do you…? If – if it's okay to ask that?”
You don't feel the same whip crack of anxiety you did when he actually said the word itself, so. It's probably okay, you think.
Even then, you can't quite bring yourself to answer out loud. But you can nod, so you do. Just once, jerky and quick, but it's enough. A smile spreads across Siffrin’s face, brighter than any you've ever seen and big enough to scrunch up their eye at the corner. Your nonexistent breath catches at the sight.
Stars, you forgot how good happiness looks on him.
Still, you can’t keep your eyes on them for very long before you have to look away, or risk being fully blinded. It’s a little funny, when you think about it. You’re the star, but he’s the one who shines.
“Come with us,” Siffrin says again, all at once. More sure of himself this time, somehow. “At – at least for a bit. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, or if it hurts too much to be around them, or if – if you change your mind, but. But. I’d… like to have you there.”
You… think about it. Think about spending days and nights with Siffrin’s party, knowing they don’t know you, that they see you as a stranger. Having to look at them and see a reflection of the people you loved, the people you lost.
(You wonder if the agony of that would be enough to balance out the fact that Siffrin loves you, in the eyes of the Universe.)
It feels selfish, to even consider it. It feels like you’re leaving the memory of your party behind, or like you’re going to bring your own bad luck into Siffrin’s party, destroy them all like you did your own world. Or that your jealousy and anger will get the better of you one day, and you’ll hurt Siffrin, or… or worse.
When you think about it that way, you can’t possibly accept, can you? You can’t take the risk of ruining your stardust’s happy ending. No matter how desperately you want to be a part of it. No matter how lonely you are. He doesn’t deserve that. And – and you don’t deserve this. You’re horrible, awful, they should get rid of you before it’s too late and you –
“Loop,” stardust says, pulling you out of your thoughts. You blink once, twice, meet his eye. They squeeze your hand, looking at you with concern. It makes you feel a little sick. “Hey. Breathe with me?”
You. Don’t need to breathe. But you follow his lead anyway, going through the motions, your chest rising and falling in time with his. And it… helps, somehow. Calms you down a little bit. Grounds you in the present.
“Okay?” they ask, and you nod. You’re not, not really, but you’re… better. It seems to be enough for stardust, at least, which is all that matters.
For Siffrin. Enough for Siffrin.
“Okay,” he says, squeezing your hand again. “Um. Can… you tell me what you’re thinking?”
You shake your head, almost before the words even leave their mouth. You can’t. You can’t. If you say it, if you let him know how dangerous it is to keep you around, he’ll leave. And – and they should leave, that’s what you want, or it’s what you should want at least because despite everything you’re still so blindingly selfish –
“Okay,” Siffrin says again, careful, gentle, so much more than you deserve. “That's okay, you don't have to say anything. But, um. I know we're not – exactly the same, I know you've been through more and I know I can't understand what it was like, but – but I think. If I was in a situation like that, if I'd been replaced and had to watch my replacement get everything I wanted, I'd be. Pretty angry? And maybe want to hurt them? And if I also, um –”
His face goes dark, and he ducks his head. “If I also. Cared about them. That would be pretty conflicting. And I'd feel really bad if I still wanted to hurt them, and maybe like they wouldn't be safe around me. And – and if that’s the case, then. I don’t… think you’ll hurt me, or anyone else. I trust you. But I’m also… pretty tough? Or, well, I guess I’m technically Craft exhausted right now, but other than that – my point is. I trust you. And if you don’t trust yourself, that’s okay. But can you trust me? That I wouldn’t go down easily, and I wouldn’t let you hurt any of the others, either?”
Oh.
You…
Your face heats, oddly enough, not at Siffrin saying he trusts you, but at Siffrin knowing that simply saying they trust you wouldn't reassure you on its own. You feel – seen, and you’re not entirely sure you like it. It’s weird. Like putting on a new pair of shoes for the first time, if you hadn’t worn any shoes in ages (which. You haven’t, you suppose). Is this how Siffrin felt, every time you’d read him like a book?
But. That aside. It… does help a little, knowing that Siffrin wouldn’t just sit there and take it if you tried to hurt him. You’re not going to admit out loud that you’d been a little worried about that, but. Well. He hasn’t been particularly careful with his own health and safety in the past, so you think said worry is a little justified.
So. You’re grateful to know that they wouldn’t.
You still think it’s a horrible idea. That Siffrin could do so much better than you, that he shouldn’t feel that way about you, shouldn’t want you with him. You should say no, you know you should.
But you’ve always been so terribly selfish. And Siffrin knows that. They have to, they’re you. He knew what he was getting into when he asked you to come with him.
“Alright,” you say quietly, ducking your head. “I… I’ll come. For now, at least.”
Siffrin beams.
… It’s foolish, probably, to think that this’ll go any way other than horribly. To think someone like you could ever be allowed a happy ending. You can’t let yourself forget the fact that you never, not once, get anything you want, and so everything you want is doomed to fail.
But Siffrin, favorite child of the Universe that he is, gets everything he wants. So…
So maybe it’d balance out in the end.
It’s – still stupid. To hope that it’d work like that. You know, you know, you know.
But. You think. Maybe, just this once… being stupid wouldn’t be so bad.