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Zoro has a dream. In that dream he is the world’s strongest swordsman, but it’s also the dream where Luffy is the king of pirates, Nami draws that map of the world, Usopp is the bravest warrior of the sea, Robin uncovers the secret of the world, Franky sees the Thousand Sunny sail across all seas, Chopper cures every malady imaginable, Brook is reunited with Laboon. And of course, where the cook finds his All Blue.
In that dream Zoro belongs with his crew, and they with him.
The vision that the rest or some of them won’t have achieved their respective dreams when he becomes the strongest swordsman, gives birth to a silent dread in Zoro. He’ll do everything in his power to make sure those dreams are realised, or his dream doesn't matter. They are one and the same.
But there is a rupture to that dream, namely the cook.
Even though Zoro doesn’t often show it, he is giving his nakama his everything. He trusts Luffy with his life and dream. He trusts everyone. And they trust him in return.
But as for the cook, Zoro doesn’t know what his deal is.
Zoro has always known that there’s something missing. The cook is not one and the same; he is not part of the ‘us’.
His first glimpse of this occurs when they are celebrating the cook’s so-called ‘birthday’.
Before that happens, they were exchanging birthdays. The cook was last to go.
“What about you, Sanji-kun, when is your birthday?”
The cook was fidgeting with the cigarette in his hand. He gave out the date anyway, because it was Nami who was doing the asking. Zoro wondered if he had been pondering over that question, picking out some random date just to give them something and hoping that they didn’t remember. That guy talks about himself least among them after all, and he always seems uncomfortable the few times he actually does.
Anyway. That idiot can’t be more misguided.
When that day comes, they have been sailing together for a few months and have just picked up Franky from Water 7. It’s the newly-returned Usopp who brings it up.
“Sanji, isn’t it your birthday today?”
The cook looks confused for a moment, before shrugging dismissively like someone who’s just been reminded of a passing fact.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“What? You’ve just turned 20!?”
“Then we’ve got to have a party! A party with lots of meat!”
It’s predictably Luffy who is overly enthusiastic. That makes the cook a little bit older than Zoro, but since one can’t choose what day to be born into this world, he’ll allow the cook this little victory.
In the end, the guy in question eventually makes a big dinner with more than enough meat dishes. But that's only for Luffy's, who’s not even the birthday boy, sake apparently. He also bakes a small, plain chocolate cake with nothing on top except for the empty frosting. No Happy Birthday, no date, no Sanji.
They toast to their dreams.
How typically ironic.
Zoro stares at the sorry piece of cake that has been placed in his plate and wonders whether the cook really doesn’t care about his birthday or lied about it. Sure, Zoro’s not big on celebrating this sort of thing himself, but there’s no need to lie.
Or maybe the cook himself simply doesn’t know and made it up on spot.
How is it that one does not know one’s own birthday? What kind of history does that person actually have then? What kind of life is one living when one doesn’t even know for sure where it starts?
It gets Zoro thinking. So, a fake birthday. Is that name also fake as well?
Zoro has never addressed the cook by the name he’s given. It doesn’t sound right, but until now he’s never questioned whether it’s real or not. Maybe it is, maybe it is not.
It is then that Zoro realises that while the cook trusts them, he doesn’t open himself up for them to trust him in return. As if he does not need them to trust him. At all.
Too bad for him then. They already trust him. At least Luffy does. Fully.
“What is it?”
The cook who is sitting apart from the celebrating crew speaks up without turning around to meet Zoro’s intense gaze, though he has apparently sensed it. Zoro is first of all wary and distrustful, but hurt and disappointment tinge the depth of his thoughts. He knows that the cook knows that he can smell secrecy behind his nonchalant surface, and chooses to play it cool. That Zoro knows, too.
“Is this really your birthday?”
Is all Zoro says. The cook only sips on his drink and ignores him for the rest of the night. Zoro never brings it up again.
Well, at least it means that the cook isn’t necessarily older than him then.
To Zoro’s knowledge, that hurt has festered and grown. Out of desperation, Zoro tries to disprove the cook’s detachment by trying to prove it.
Zoro has taunted.
Go on, get between that bull and Usopp if you think that’ll keep him safe, Zoro has said.
Losing your life doesn’t mean anything even if it saves Usopp’s, don’t you dare do it, Zoro has thought.
Go on, if your life doesn’t mean shit to you, Zoro has said.
Don’t, Zoro has thought.
The cook spares him one dark glance before launching himself in front of Usopp as the huge man with wheel-sized brass knuckles brings his attack down. Punch after punch connect with the cook’s torso. It gives time for Zoro to cut down his opponent and rush there to pull Usopp away from harm, so he does just that. But Zoro hasn’t wanted there to be any sacrifice. A stupid sacrifice.
The cook’s detachment is thus proven by Zoro’s failed attempt to disprove it.
What is going on in your head?
Zoro wonders as he sits and watches while the cook pathetically retches glob after glob of blood. His internal organs are screwed, that much is obvious. He heaves and heaves until he’s too weak to even hold himself up and almost slumps into the bucket if it isn’t for Usopp who is supporting him with arms around each of his shoulders. Even so, blood still trickles out of the cook’s quivering lips and nostrils while his body spasms uncontrollably. The sight is so real it makes Zoro feels like he is having difficulty drawing breath himself.
The cook’s way of sacrificing himself — one might as well assume that he does not even want to stay with them, or does not want them to stay with him, in the least.
It hurts, the fact that one tries so hard while the other just doesn’t give a damn. Zoro tries so hard to be the best, but the cook just goes and gives everything away at the drop of a hat. It’s the kind of hurt that makes one numb but also makes one want to smash the other’s head into the wall.
If you want to get there, work for it. Or if you don’t want to work for it, at least don’t give up. It’s not fair for us. It’s not fair for me.
Blood that he’s lost, he will get it back. Broken bones will be mended. But still, Zoro can’t help but question the meaning of the cook’s actions. Or maybe there is no meaning at all. The cook’s life is just a mean; he’s not set any end for it.
Now the cook has walked out on them.
Zoro tries to recreate the scene as it must have rolled out from the accounts of Nami’s and the people present.
The cook is in his fur coat with his back to Zoro, dark and daunting. That back is receding into a haze.
Zoro would have said, I knew this is what we’ll get from you, you bastard.
Zoro would have shouted, get lost, and for good this time, don’t you dare show your shitty face to us again.
Zoro will drive him away, shove him, kick him away.
He wants to call the cook back, and that’s why he will push even harder.
The past doesn’t matter. It surely doesn’t matter to Luffy and the rest of them. But it doesn’t mean that it can’t matter or that they, he, won’t accept it when it does. If it matters, then there is no use pretending that it doesn’t.
Are they not good enough? Are they not worthy of confidence, trust? Does the cook think himself not worthy of them? What is he then? What does he want? Where is he going?
What is our dream now? What has become of my dream of us standing together at the top of the world? You giving up on yourself is the same as you giving up on me. That’s decidedly selfish.
Or maybe it’s Zoro who’s selfish. Maybe they have never been part of the cook’s dream in the first place. Maybe they’re just someone the cook feeds to make himself feel better.
But that thought has made Zoro feel even more betrayed.
Zoro has always known that this day will come, the day the cook decides to turn his back to them.
But even so, it still hurts.
Why don’t you make me part of your dream while you’re already included in mine? Why don’t you reach out for that dream?
Zoro wants to take out his anger on something. Something important to the cook. Only then does he realise that the cook does not leave anything really important behind for Zoro to take it out on. The prissy shirts and suits that are kept neatly in the wardrobe? The few packs of cigarettes that are hanging out in the kitchen? The old knife set — the one that Zoro remembers seeing him carry away from that floating restaurant — that he leaves behind? The cook does not have anything important with him to begin with.
And that makes it even worse.