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Naruto lets Sasuke have the bed by the window.
Not that the latter had really been a part of the decision-making process. As it turns out, you become exponentially more susceptible to passing out when you are generally exhausted, have an arm’s worth of blood loss, and don’t have a tailed beast inside of you to help out with healing. Who would've thought.
So after they’d both been carted into the same hospital room (also Naruto’s unanimous decision) and only one of them had been conscious enough to pick where they’d be recuperating for the foreseeable future, the choice was easy. Naruto’s a gardener, after all. Well, a hobbyist one. But still.
Even a novice would know that water and a little extra sunlight are able to fix most things.
Despite that wisdom, though, it’s harder than Naruto expected to sleep that first night. He’s usually knocked out, snoring and entering REM, before anyone has the chance to finish telling him sweet dreams.
But it’s different tonight. He tosses and turns, the sheets bunched in between his thighs, both sides of the pillow scratching against the back of his head. Every time he flutters open his eyes, the hands on the clock have barely moved.
He tries repositioning himself, rotating so his head is where his feet should be. He tries extra covers, he tries fewer covers, sitting up, laying back down, picking up a magazine, picking at the bandages on his body. None of it proves particularly effective.
Eventually, he relents and ends up face down, chest to mattress, sheets completely discarded. He groans defeatedly, but not too loud. Sasuke’s always been a light sleeper, and he doesn’t want to wake him. Not that the noise should really matter that much; the guy’s been out for hours now and doesn’t show signs of waking anytime soon.
Sasuke looks so peaceful, Naruto notices, as he turns a cheek to gaze in the other’s direction. Even with the night’s shadows obscuring the sharp contours of his face, Naruto can see that his mouth is parted slightly, steady breaths expanding in his chest. And he’s not wearing that stupid scowl that’s perpetually scrunching his brow while he’s awake.
It’s nice to see him like this. Naruto thinks he probably hasn’t seen him this relaxed, this content, since they were genins. And that was also while he was sleeping. So, truly, it’s a rare sight.
The moment of quietude doesn’t last very long, though. Sasuke begins to grimace in his sleep, the furrow between his eyebrows returning. His exhales start to stutter, limbs tensing before he suddenly reaches out, lightning-fast reflexes grabbing the handle on the side of the bed. He’s mumbling something unintelligible, save for the anguished tremor that underlies the sound. His grip is white-knuckled, veins raised under the pale skin of his hand, the winding lines even bluer in diffuse moonlight.
Naruto’s pulse instinctively quickens, concerned, and he rises to stand without thinking. He wheels his bed over so that the handles of it are flush against Sasuke’s. Then, one by one, he peels Sasuke’s fingers off the metal. It just feels like the right thing to do.
Fortunately, Naruto’s help goes largely unopposed and, for once, Sasuke manages to let go of whatever it was that troubled him without too much resistance. The lines of Sasuke’s brow soon smooth over again. When Naruto sets Sasuke’s hand next to his pillow and lays back down on his bed, he leaves his arm outstretched so that his palm rests on the now-untangled fingers, a pink flush seeping back into the knuckles.
“See?” Naruto whispers, smug, his own breathing slowing again. His eyelids grow heavy against his pillow. “It’s not always me who needs… to be told… to calm… down,” he insists, to no one, but the words sound thick and slurred with sleep in his ears, and he thinks that maybe he can wait to prove his point tomorrow, instead.
✦
Naruto ungracefully swings open their hospital room’s door, finding Sasuke sitting at the small round table next to the beds and seemingly reluctantly consuming lunch.
“I'm just a little unbalanced right now, is all!” he explains when Sasuke gives him a once over and wrinkles his nose disparagingly. He wobbles for a second before regaining his footing, pressing his arm into the wall for stability. “It’s only been a week!”
Sasuke prods at his meal, which is some sort of unappetizing brownish-gray matter, with a spoon. Naruto’s not really sure you could call it food.
“Why are you still here?” Sasuke asks monotonously.
Logically, Sasuke’s probably referring to the fact that, despite being a little off-kilter, almost all of Naruto’s wounds are fully healed. So, truthfully, there’s not too much more that the medics can offer him in his recovery at this point. But Sasuke doesn’t need to be so antagonistic about it, you know?
“What!” Naruto defends, jutting his head in the direction of the window. “I came to check on the plant!”
Sasuke blinks at him, unaffected, continuing to tap the spoon against the bottom of the bowl.
Naruto continues. “It’s not like you know anything about caring for such a delicate living thing!” he contends, haughtier now. He makes his way over to the window, only tripping a single time. Sasuke’s gaze follows him in his peripherals.
To his dismay, the once bright green hue of the leaves has rapidly faded into something that matches the contents of the bowl on the table. Naruto whips his head around, at a speed that almost knocks him over again, and he scoffs in disbelief.
“Have you even watered it once since Sakura brought it for you last week?” he demands.
Sasuke merely sniffs again, but this time he has enough tact to avert his eyes. The spoon tapping doubles in frequency.
“Sasukeeee,” Naruto laments, pouting, even as he immediately shuffles over to refill a leftover cup in the sink. “You’re in the room more than I am!” he adds over his shoulder as he fiddles with the faucet. Which is true. And also perhaps the most diplomatic way to reference the fact that Sasuke actually can’t leave the room without supervision. Naruto was pissed about that one, but he figures Tsunade will relinquish the restriction with time. Probably. Hopefully.
He returns to the plant, pouring the water over the roots. The dirt greedily swallows it up.
“I can’t be responsible for everything, you know,” he chides, but it comes out like an apology, in more ways than one.
After a pause, there’s some sort of acquiescent grumble from beside him, which Naruto accepts as an indication that Sasuke will at least try to take care of it next time. He smiles, trying to not get too caught up in the aspects of the situation he can’t immediately resolve.
Naruto scoots out the free chair at the table and plops down into it, with slightly more poise than when he entered the room. Sasuke has yet to meet his gaze again, so for a moment Naruto just watches him watch the bowl.
He wouldn’t tell anyone this, obviously, but the two of them being near each other for such an extended period of time has been… strange. Not in a bad way. Definitely not in a bad way. Just in a… new way, he supposes.
They have spent almost every hour of the last week in close quarters with each other. Especially in the evening, given that neither of them have deigned to put some space between the beds again. And Naruto reasons that the whole thing really shouldn’t feel novel. They went on plenty of overnight missions together when they were younger, and you can’t physically get much closer than they’ve been when they’ve fought. But it does feel that way. It does feel new.
A part of him is reluctant to admit that the reason behind the feeling might be quite simple: there’s a lot of Sasuke that is new. Of course, there’s also a lot that’s the same. The current irritated expression on his face as he delicately tries a bite, for one.
But as much as Naruto claims to know Sasuke – and he knows he knows him, the stuff that matters, anyway – the latter has never been particularly forthcoming with conversation, and certainly not when it comes to sharing how he’s feeling. A behavior which was tolerable, albeit annoying, in the past.
Now, though… it’s like there’s nowhere for either of them to hide. There’s no pretense of busyness with missions, no excuses of other plans, no justifications for why their attention might be somewhere else, on something else. It’s only them and this room.
To put it bluntly, the weight of their years apart needed to go somewhere. It seems like a good portion of it went into a subtle change in Sasuke’s mannerisms.
And whatever remained clearly ended up in Naruto’s increasing fixation on said mannerisms.
Like right now, for example. His eyes follow the bob of Sasuke’s throat as he swallows, the way his tongue peeks out to swipe at something on the corner of his lip. Nothing out of the ordinary.
But when Sasuke finally turns to look at him, and his gaze moves before his head does, like those few extra milliseconds of awareness is necessary for some reason, preferred even, and that glance flits over Naruto’s mouth before it meets his eyes, and there’s a nearly imperceptible clench of his jaw…
It just seems a bit… new. That’s all.
Sasuke puts his fist over his mouth, and Naruto has a feeling that he’s gearing up to say something important. He shifts forward, curious.
Clearing his throat, Sasuke finally speaks. “This food sucks,” he announces.
Well. Maybe not that much has changed.
Naruto blinks the hyperfocus out of his stare and resists the urge to reflexively reply with “you suck.” But he doesn’t manage to stop himself from saying “you just have bad taste. And hate everything.”
A sense of casual informality quickly returns to the atmosphere in the room at Naruto’s comment. Sasuke just rolls his eyes and shakes his head, lightly pushing the bowl away from him on the table.
“Plus,” Naruto adds, leaning back in the chair and bending his arm to rest his hand on the back of his neck. “There’s absolutely no way it could be worse than the worms.” The memory pulls a truncated gag from his throat, but he recovers quickly.
There’s a pause. “... What worms?” Sasuke asks.
“You know, the frog worms,” Naruto nods sagely, as if his descriptor makes sense.
“The frog worms,” Sasuke repeats flatly.
“Yes,” Naruto emphasizes, attempting to gesticulate with his arm but almost falling out of the chair in the process. He quickly grabs the edge of the table to stabilize himself and shoots a glare to the other side. “Jeez,” he complains. “Do you even listen to me anymore?”
Sasuke stares at him for another long moment, but his expression steadily creeps back into distaste, and Naruto is pretty sure it’s not about the food this time. “What are you talking about?” he finally asks. “What the hell is a ‘frog worm’?”
Now it’s Naruto’s turn to roll his eyes. “When I was learning senjutsu! And all they had to eat at Mount Myōboku was the frog food!” he explains. “And it was mostly worms! And the worms tasted really bad! That’s what I’m talking about! Obviously!”
Through gritted teeth, Sasuke shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Why in the world would you assume anyone knows what that means?” he hisses.
Naruto surprises himself with how much he missed seeing this expression. Even when it’s clearly directed at him.
Perhaps even because it’s directed at him.
“I– I mean– Uh–” he falters, somewhat distracted. His face crinkles in thought, and he scratches the top of his head. “Well… maybe the frog worms aren’t as common as I thought,” he admits.
“Hm,” Sasuke snarks, but doesn’t continue with additional derision like Naruto was expecting. And he drops the disgruntlement after a moment, gaze drifting into the opposite corner of the room. Naruto glances in that direction too, just to check if there’s anything there.
Sasuke’s fingers jitter over the table, almost like he’s spinning a non-existent kunai in between them. “You trained with them for a while, didn’t you?” he remarks. There’s something oddly somber about the way the question sounds.
“Huh,” Naruto considers, trying to remember the details. He taps a finger to his lips. “It’s hard to count, I guess… but it felt like forever.” He leans back in the chair again, staring at the ceiling, as he walks through the memory. “It was worth it, though,” he surmises. “Totally paid off in the end, don’t you think?”
Sasuke’s attention is on him again, and he’s got one of those new, unreadable looks on his face.
“I suppose when I think of it that way,” Naruto continues. “A few nasty meals wasn’t so bad of a tradeoff. It all worked out.” His eyes meet Sasuke’s and he smiles genuinely.
“But!” he adds, kicking a leg out so that it jabs at Sasuke’s shin underneath the table. “You still shouldn’t complain about the food. Someone’s working hard to feed all of the people here and they don’t need to hear you whine about it.” He means to cross his arms authoritatively, but doesn’t realize until too late that he can’t really do that, so he settles for a last-minute definitive finger wag. “Even if it does suck.”
Sasuke nods once, slowly. He’s looking at Naruto, but it seems like he’s thinking about something else now.
“Hm,” is his only reply.
✦
It’s late when Naruto is returning to the hospital. Too late, if he’s being honest with himself. Especially when he technically now has his own apartment across the village (apparently you don’t have to pay rent for a while when you basically save the world, Naruto has learned). And this apartment came equipped with a perfectly suitable, sizable, and solitary bed, in which he would not disturb anyone, regardless of how late he came home.
But the thing is, the last time he tried to sleep in this bed, which was about a week ago… That’s about as far as he got. Trying to sleep. Not succeeding.
He’s only had a few bouts of insomnia recently, but a few is a lot more than the none he had prior. He’d always managed to fall asleep eventually. Now, it seems like he’s developed the unfortunate, embarrassing habit of being unable to sleep if he’s alone.
It’s stupid, not to mention terribly inconvenient in the long-term. After all, there’s only one bed in the new apartment. How’s that going to work if there’s another person there?
For now, though, Naruto doesn’t dwell on it too much. The current setup in the hospital room is more than adequate, and has been working just fine for almost a month and a half now, even if Naruto’s scars have long mellowed to a light, almost imperceptible pink.
Plenty of visitors come and go in the hospital. He’s just stuck around longer than most, that’s all.
Given the late hour, he sneaks into the hallway adjacent to the room quietly. He really wishes they would turn those awful fluorescent lights down at night.
When he reaches the correct door, he carefully turns the knob. He plans to tiptoe inside after he gently pushes it open, but to his surprise, all of the lights in the room are already on. Sasuke stands near the window, his back to Naruto.
Naruto glances at the nearby clock, confirming that it really is as late as he thinks it is. He blinks a few times. For some reason, the light seems even harsher in here than in the hallway.
Maybe Sasuke was experiencing insomnia too, and that’s why he was still up. Naruto decides to follow the advice he was given about not focusing too hard on his own sleeping troubles, so he just launches into conversation.
“Hey!” he calls out as he slips off his shoes. “No more crutch!” he notices. “That’s great. I was thinking yesterday that you’re lucky it’s your opposite leg that got messed up.” He smiles to himself as he hangs up his shoulder bag on the hook behind the door.
“You know, because you wouldn’t have been able to use a crutch at all, otherwise! I would've had to push you around in a wheelchair or something,” he teases.
There’s only silence. Sasuke hasn’t acknowledged his entrance at all.
“Or Sakura,” Naruto quickly adds. “Or whoever. You would have been totally dependent on us.” He lets out a short laugh, but as it leaves his mouth, the whole point doesn’t really seem that funny anymore.
“Naruto,” Sasuke finally says. It’s barely more than a whisper.
“What?” Naruto counters, out of habit. “You’re gonna look at me and tell me that I’m wrong?”
“Naruto,” Sasuke intones, grave.
Naruto sticks out his tongue in reply even though the other can’t see it, back still turned. “Sa-su-ke,” he mocks. Seriously, what was his problem right now? Couldn’t he take a joke?
There’s a labored pause. Naruto squints. They should really switch off the lights.
“Sai visited today,” Sasuke eventually states.
Naruto lets go of the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Oh man, okay.” He chuckles a bit. “That explains why you’re like this, then. Don’t worry, though, he has that effect on everyone.”
He shrugs off his jacket to hang on top of his bag, relieved that the source of the palpable tension was, in fact, external. Even though Sasuke doesn’t respond, he strides over to stand next to him.
“Seriously though,” Naruto says, attempting to make the mood less heavy. “Can you at least look at me when you talk to me?” he goads, tilting his head to peer around at Sasuke’s front. “Or is there something else wrong with your face? You know. Besides it being yours.” He throws his arm around the other’s shoulder in jest.
Sasuke flinches at the touch.
Naruto flinches at Sasuke flinching.
He slowly lowers his arm.
“S– sorr–” Naruto starts, without thinking.
“He told me about what happened,” Sasuke interjects. It sounds like he can’t decide whether he wants to rush the words out or let them fester in his throat. He still stares fixedly at the window. “While I was… gone.”
That could refer to a lot of things, Naruto wants to say, even as he recoils a bit at the statement. You were gone a long time.
“Okay?” he says instead, terse. It feels like there’s thorns taking root in his stomach. This is not what he expected to be talking about tonight. Or maybe ever. “And?”
“He told me that he needed to…” Sasuke grimaces and inhales sharply. “... Step in between you and the Kumo shinobi.”
Suddenly, Naruto is very, very glad Sasuke is not looking at him. Because maybe now Sasuke won’t be able to see the way that disbelief widens his eyes and then how resentment narrows them, the way that his fingernails dig into his palm, and the way that his mouth unconsciously begins to sneer, like it’s trying to cover up the fact that he has absolutely no idea what to say.
Why would Sai tell Sasuke about that? He knows the guy has the social skills of a brick wall, and that might even be a generous assessment, but wasn’t this a bit extreme? How the hell did this come up in conversation?
“He– Sai– Sai didn’t need to do anything,” Naruto eventually argues. But his breath is growing rougher by the minute. Why does he sound so unconvincing? “It was… fine. The whole thing was fine,” he claims.
Sasuke turns to face him now, and this time, his expression is not new, and there’s no nostalgic familiarity, either. This time, it’s instantly recognizable. The twitch of his bottom lip, the subtle downturn of the corners of his eyes, the way that his tone doesn’t need to waver because his faith in Naruto has already done that enough.
“Was it fine,” Sasuke starts. “When you got onto your hands and knees in front of the Raikage to beg for my life?”
It isn’t a question. It’s a confrontation.
Naruto doesn’t even let him finish before he’s immediately slamming his fist onto the windowsill. “What are you–” Anger boils inside him, and he’s shouting now, not caring how late it is, or who else can hear them.
“Sai wasn’t even there!” he yells. “How the hell should he know what I did or didn’t do?”
“You’re not denying it,” Sasuke replies calmly, but his lips are a tight line.
Naruto takes a step back, comprehension setting in. At the same time, it feels like his hostility begins to fan out from his body, like the air around him is physically rippling with the change in energy.
“Did you…” he seethes. “Did you ask him to come here and tell you about all this? Huh?”
The interrogation burns through the space between them, but all the while, the real question coils so tightly around Naruto that he hopes it’ll seep into him and bury itself so deep that Sasuke won’t be able to hear it through the words he’d actually said.
Why didn’t you just ask me?
Sasuke doesn’t reply, doesn’t move. Naruto doesn’t want him to. He didn’t want to be doing any of this in the first place. But even the smallest opening in a cage will inevitably let everything out.
“That’s what I thought,” Naruto spurns. “Now you’re the one not denying it.”
Naruto steps forward again, crowding up against Sasuke. “And so what if I did? What if I did all of the things you said?” He stabs a finger against his chest. It feels like the rest of the room around them is whorling in a maelstrom.
“What else would you have wanted me to do? Huh?” Naruto pushes. “It’s not like you gave me a whole lot of options!”
Sasuke suddenly shoves Naruto’s arm away. “I didn’t want you to do anything!” he insists, his voice finally raised. “I’ve never wanted you to do anything for me!”
They’re both panting, gritted teeth, nostrils flared. But Naruto can’t help but scoff.
“Yeah, okay, alright, sure,” he mocks. He presses his finger into Sasuke’s chest again. Sasuke doesn’t stop him.
“Guess it’s a good thing I don’t really care what you want,” Naruto scowls.
Again, Sasuke doesn’t reply. And again, it’s not like Naruto wanted him to. But there’s the briefest flash, already gone by the time he blinks, of something in Sasuke’s glare that Naruto hasn’t seen before.
It almost looks like rejection.
Naruto drops his hand of his own accord this time, steadying the tremble in it as he forces it to his side. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath.
“Listen,” he announces, lingering aggression slowly rasping out of his voice. “I’ve always done what made the most sense at the time. That’s just how I am. So I’m not going to apologize for trying to help you.”
“And you know what?” he continues, shifting forward so that their foreheads are almost touching. He meets Sasuke’s gaze once more. “If you put me back there, I’d do the same thing,” he admits. “I’d do it again. Because you’re my fri–”
“I’m your friend,” Sasuke interrupts. His mouth has returned to that thin line, eyes unreadable. “I know.”
Naruto scrunches his nose. “Well, it sounds like you forgot. So maybe get your head checked out, too.” He balls a fist and bonks Sasuke on the top of the head with it. “Because in case you also forgot, I hit you really hard. A lot of times,” he reminds him, straightening his posture and lifting his chin up. “And I’m really strong. So you’re probably still concussed.”
Sasuke leans back, creating distance between them, and the way he purses his lips gives the impression that he’d actually rather be concussed.
“Whatever,” Naruto shakes his head, backing away toward the door. He runs a hand through his hair to try to regain some control over it. And maybe control a few other things too. “Glad you and Sai had your little ‘discussion,’” he continues. The size of the air quotes requires the use of his whole arm.
“And! And! Maybe you could let me speak for myself next time!” he calls across the room as he leaves, as if it was an afterthought. It’s not.
He slams the door shut behind him, shoving a fist into the wall. The dent he’s created leers back at him, cracked and ugly under the lights, and he quickly realizes that Sakura is definitely going to kill him for that one, and perhaps more importantly, that he’s left his bag, jacket, and shoes all inside the room.
“Fucking assholes,” he grunts. He rubs his knuckles on his shirt and walks away.
✦
Naruto stays at his own apartment that night.
He doesn’t sleep.
✦
A folded slip of paper arrives a day later. It’s on top of a neat pile with his bag, jacket, and shoes outside his door. A shaky Uchiha insignia is scribbled into the corner of the note. There’s only two lines on it.
I’d do it differently next time.
- S
Naruto has to huff a laugh, wondering who Sasuke coerced into dropping this off. It doesn’t really make a difference, though. No one would have understood the context when they (doubtlessly) peeked at the message, anyway.
He grins as he slides the note into his back pocket, thinking that only a fool would put that kind of commitment in writing.
✦
Two months after he arrived, Sasuke is finally discharged from care and relocated to another area of the hospital. And as it turns out, Tsunade did relent eventually (perhaps in part because she couldn’t stand Naruto talking about it anymore), and released him from supervision, meaning he could wander anywhere freely.
But that was two whole weeks ago.
“Holy shit,” Naruto exclaims in jest after he barges into the room. “Are you ever going to leave?” He’s surprised Sasuke hadn’t run off into the night the second he signed the paperwork, given that he’d been in Konoha almost a whopping three months now.
The lights are off, but Sasuke isn’t in his bed. Instead, he’s sitting in the alcove near the window, staring out into the scatter of the village below them. There’s not a shade or anything to cover it, probably because the room clearly wasn’t meant for long-term stays, so the blue-white of the moonlight rests on his features, easing out their typically sharp edges.
Sasuke looks over at Naruto as the latter kicks off his shoes. “Yeah,” he answers. His voice sounds uncharacteristically hushed, almost like he doesn’t want Naruto to hear. “I am. Soon enough.”
Naruto glances behind himself at Sasuke’s reply, expecting someone to be standing there, listening in. He has the odd sense that he’s intruding on something, but no one else is here.
“Well, uh,” he clumsily attempts to continue the joke. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Sakura has other patients you know.”
He does push the door shut as he says this, gently, because for some reason, the room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
“Sasuke, really,” he says after a moment, no longer feeling particularly humorous. “You’re, like, totally healed. What are you still doing here?”
Sasuke raises his eyebrows, like this was the thing he finally thought was funny. “Can’t someone who’s missing an arm just relax for a minute or two? Do you go around kicking everybody else out of their rooms?” he asks, sly. “That’s pretty rude, isn’t it?”
“Okay, first of all,” Naruto starts. “You’re talking to the wrong person.” He holds his arm stump above his head to wiggle it. The corner of Sasuke’s mouth tugs up enough that Naruto can see it even from across the room.
“And also,” he continues, more confident. “Other people relax. I have never, ever, in my life, seen you do that.”
It’s a statement that’s hard to argue with, and Sasuke knows as much. His gaze returns to the window. Dots of reflected streetlights pepper his irises. “Hm,” he hums, not disagreeing.
Naruto makes his way over to the window to better follow the direction of whatever Sasuke’s looking at. He gets a bit preoccupied, though, by the shorts Sasuke’s wearing and the way they bunch up around his thighs as he sits, one leg bent and the other hanging off the windowsill.
Sasuke is always cold. And it’s cold outside. So the choice of attire is just… notable. That’s all.
Unfortunately, Sasuke manages to catch him in his singular, once-in-a-lifetime moment of inattention, and Naruto quickly darts his eyes to the window. His cheeks feel a bit warm. Which is weird. Because it’s cold outside. So it doesn’t make sense for his cheeks to be warm.
“Maybe I just wanted to see what it was like to wait for someone,” Sasuke remarks, nonchalant.
Naruto physically startles at the statement. “Um, okay,” he reflexively laughs, trying to process whatever the hell that meant. The laugh has a distinctly nervous undercurrent to it.
“That should really be my…” he starts, the words expanding to fill the quietude of the room before he realizes what he’s saying.
He pauses after his ears catch up with his mouth. “... line,” he finishes, at a whisper.
When Sasuke’s gaze meets his, looking down at him from his spot on the windowsill, Naruto decides he absolutely must change the subject.
“You’re acting strange,” Naruto accuses, raising an eyebrow and definitely not projecting. He climbs up into the alcove so they’re eye level with each other. “Got something you wanna say?”
“I do,” Sasuke readily admits.
Damn it. He wasn’t supposed to answer like that. ‘Well, then, maybe you should say it,” Naruto huffs, readjusting to sit cross-legged. He plants his palm on his knee and tilts his head in instigation. “Since you’re being so… straightforward today.”
“When am I not straightforward?” Sasuke swiftly counters.
“I– I don’t know!” Naruto answers, his voice a tad squeakier and a lot more flustered than he would have preferred. “You’re not like that…” he trails off.
Well. It feels like Sasuke’s not like that towards him, anyway.
Naruto clears his throat, keeping his eyes down. “Forget it. You’re the one who said you want to talk.”
“Yeah,” Sasuke nods. “I am.”
“Okay,” Naruto returns. “So talk.”
There’s another pause, longer this time. The warmth on Naruto’s cheeks seems to have spread to the back of his neck, too. He scratches it awkwardly, thinking about how the heater in the room must be broken or something, and pointedly not thinking about the lean muscles of Sasuke’s inner thigh on his bent leg. Even though that is in fact what he’s looking at currently.
“Naruto,” Sasuke says.
“Sasuke,” Naruto replies. It’s not meant to come out so quietly.
“I have…” Sasuke starts, before immediately stopping himself. He exhales deeply. “There’s so many…” he tries again, but still doesn’t finish the thought.
Naruto’s brow wrinkles in confusion.
There’s a beat.
Sasuke takes a resolute, steadying breath. He places his hand in his lap, almost meditative, and meets Naruto’s gaze head on. For a brief moment, Naruto considers if there’s such a thing as feeling too seen.
“You never have to forgive me for the things I’ve done. For what I’ve done to you,” Sasuke states, plainly. It sounds agonizingly practiced. Like this is what he forces himself to tell the mirror everyday when he wakes up. “I don’t want you to,” he assures.
Naruto stops him, a halting hand up in between them. “Woah. Woah. What? Where’s this coming from?” His eyes narrow in concern. He was wishing for a chill earlier, but the one that runs down his spine now is much too cold. “That’s all over now. And I already told you, I know you’re not going to do–”
“But–” Sasuke interjects. He reaches out to lower Naruto’s hand down. His fingertips on the knuckles are unexpectedly gentle. Neither of them move their palms from the landing place on the windowsill. “But– and I know you said you don’t really care what I want–”
Naruto’s hand wriggles in dissent underneath Sasuke’s. Something impossibly heavy is stuck in his throat, incising along the insides. Whatever is happening, it feels a hundred times worse than that meaningless disagreement they had after Sai visited.
“Oh, come on,” Naruto insists. His pulse rings in his ears. “You know that’s not what I meant–”
“But,” Sasuke repeats. There’s a familiar grounded and determined look in his eyes as he leans closer, pressing into the back of Naruto’s hand. “I want you to forgive me for this,” he requests. “Please.”
Naruto doesn’t know what to do. His eyes frantically search the room, search outside the window, for whatever Sasuke needs to be forgiven for, the knot in his stomach twisting and tightening at the horrific notion that it might be something irreparable that he’s done to himself before Naruto even got here.
Rashly, he uncovers his hand from underneath Sasuke’s and grabs his shoulder. His breath is fast and uneven now. “Sasuke,” he urges. “Forgive you for what–”
In his growing panic, Naruto disregarded just how much Sasuke was leaning in towards him, and how much his grappling against Sasuke’s shoulder brought them even nearer to each other.
So the interruption of his question by another pair of lips against his comes as quite the shock.
“Mmmph!” he exclaims, the noise muffled by Sasuke’s mouth. He freezes, staring wide-eyed at the bridge of Sasuke’s nose and not at his eyes. Because Sasuke’s eyes are closed. Like a normal person’s. Because normal people close their eyes when they are kissing. And that’s what they’re doing right now. Kissing.
They are not fighting, no one is in danger, no one is dying. There is nothing wrong. They are together, in a dark, moonlit room, alone, and they are kissing.
“Oh,” he breathes, the warmth of the exhale reflecting off of Sasuke and back against his own skin.
In the split-second that follows, he feels three things.
A surge of relief that loosens the tension in his jaw, that unravels the dread in his gut.
A tinge of embarrassment for misreading the situation, for overreacting.
And a burst of wanting, spilling out of him like the dam that’d been holding it in was finally allowed to break. It comes out almost like a sob, this burst. Like the influx of novelty got crushed up against this flood of longing, and it had nowhere to go except back out again.
Because this was new. It was nothing like the last time their lips met (which should really not count, Naruto now considers), nothing like practicing with his shadow clones (which he will never tell anyone about), and nothing like how he'd imagined it would be. Nothing at all.
Because of course he had imagined it. That there might be a day when he could finally dismiss so-called “first times” and secret practice sessions for the real thing. But these fleeting visions had always, always been eclipsed by the overpowering importance of making sure Sasuke came back, of making sure that he was here, at home where he belonged.
And so it takes a moment for Naruto to adjust his mindset, for him to account for the fact that, yes, this is really happening, and yes, Sasuke’s mouth on his feels just as electric as he remembers it but increased a thousandfold. And his hand on Sasuke’s shoulder is squeezing harder and harder and he realizes his eyes are still open for some godforsaken reason, he should probably close them, he needs to close them, he needs to engage in some decisive action that will perfectly encompass exactly how he feels and transmit it directly into Sasuke’s brain.
“Uh, yeah! I do forgive you!” he blurts out.
Okay. That probably wasn’t it.
But he tries again. Naruto takes a second to extract his clawed grip from Sasuke’s shoulder, to gingerly trace it up along his collarbone, his neck, until it rests against his cheek. And now he’s the one leaning forward, nudging Sasuke back so that his head meets the alcove wall, and it’s not lost on him that Sasuke lets him, that he lets himself be moved and changed.
“Can I, uh,” Naruto clears his throat after his voice cracks. “Forgive you some more?”
Fortunately, Sasuke hums affirmatively against him before Naruto has a chance to determine whether or not the flirtatious attempt was pathetic or effective.
“I’d like to see you try,” Sasuke tempts, dragging his tongue lightly over Naruto’s bottom lip, leaving Naruto to contend with the possibility that maybe a dick actually could get so hard so fast that you pass out.
But he’s still conscious for now, so he uses his dwindling remnants of rational thought to finally close his eyes and mimic the movement of Sasuke’s tongue with his own, brushing it tentatively over the ridges of his teeth. It feels a little clumsy, as he tries to figure out how he should angle his nose, where he should put his hand so that nothing gets in the way.
Sasuke’s also a little clumsy, though, shifting his legs, knocking his lips against Naruto’s as they move. It makes Naruto wonder if this is new for Sasuke too. Did he have his own kind of practice over the years, but this was also his first real time? Or did someone else get to hear the way his breath hitches when teeth graze the corner of his mouth, and get to feel his heartbeat race under their thumbs on his neck?
The idea of another person touching Sasuke like this rends a low, growling sound from Naruto’s throat. He instinctively and hastily wraps his arm under Sasuke’s shirt and behind his waist, liking the way that it seems to fit around him easily, and the way that there’s already goosebumps raised on his skin. He tugs him forward, causing the both of them to careen off-balance a bit.
Screw it, Naruto thinks, blazing past any pretense of subtlety as he maneuvers Sasuke into his lap completely, the tangle of their lower limbs only presenting minor difficulties, since Sasuke seems increasingly willing to further shrink the space between them. His legs encircle Naruto’s lower back, their lips still connected all the while.
Sasuke has found a handhold in a tussle of Naruto’s hair, his fingernails scraping lightly at his scalp. In the new position, the hardness at the front of his shorts rubs against Naruto’s, and the friction makes him want to leap out of his body. He moans into Sasuke’s mouth, bared open in the same way his desire seems to be, exposed like a live wire.
He feels like he still hasn’t touched enough of him, that he’s still not working fast enough to make up for lost time. So he moves to lave along his neck, strands of black hair caught around his tongue as his fingers dig into Sasuke’s side, like if he holds on hard enough he’ll be able to claw back all the years they weren’t together.
Sasuke cranes his neck back as Naruto sucks along the column of his throat, and his hips jut upward when Naruto catches his skin between his teeth. So Naruto figures that even if he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing, it can’t be going all that badly if Sasuke’s reacting like this.
He’s still being quieter than Naruto is, not that that is particularly hard to do, but the noises that do escape him are candid and pushy, like he can’t help himself. And like he wants more.
“Can– can I–” Naruto starts, with no idea how he plans to continue the question, too focused on the way Sasuke’s thighs clench around his middle.
“Yes,” Sasuke pants, throwing his head forward again. “Yes, you idiot.”
Context clues lead Naruto to believe that the “yes” is referring to the fact that both of them are absurdly and painfully hard, and that he should probably do something about it. Quickly.
This repositioning is a bit more challenging than the last, given that Naruto really, really does not want to let go of Sasuke’s waist, and also that shuffling off two pairs of pants would have been exponentially easier with four working arms. But they make do.
By the time they’ve both managed to pull the requisite clothing down far enough, and Naruto has realized that he actually can’t stop staring at Sasuke’s cock, which is right there, in front of him, oh my god, it’s right there and in front of him, Sasuke has taken it upon himself to whack Naruto on the side of the head.
“Are you finished?” he asks exasperatedly.
Naruto is able to lift his gaze, the torment of no longer being able to see Sasuke’s bottom half alleviated by the discovery that that he looks so fucking pretty like this. He’s always been attractive, obviously, Naruto has functioning eyes. But the way a flush runs across his face, around his ears and all the way down to his chest, and the way his bangs stick sweaty and haphazard to his forehead, and the way the tip of his tongue rests partially out of his mouth as he breathes… Well. He thinks he finally understands what all of his classmates were on about when they were younger.
And it makes him very, very eager to see what else he might still get to learn about Sasuke’s facial expressions.
Naruto bites his lip as he smirks. “Not even close,” he taunts.
Sasuke just sighs and rolls his eyes, which has no right to be as hot as it is in the current moment, and begins to reach a hand in between them.
“Wait, wait, wait,” Naruto stops him, because he had already decided a few minutes ago that his death was certainly imminent if he didn’t jerk both of them off together. “Hold on– let me–”
He swats Sasuke’s hand out of the way, which is met with more eye rolling, an action that seems to somehow be increasingly appealing the more he does it. He’s about to spit on his own hand, before a kind of divine, horny intervention strikes him.
“Actually–” he mutters, studying his palm.
Naruto straightens his index and middle fingers, turning his hand out to point towards Sasuke.
Sasuke inhales sharply at the motion and his brows furrow together, a flash of something uncertain, almost fearful, in his eyes.
Naruto startles a little, not understanding the reaction. He hopes that he can convey through his touch what he’s trying to do, so he crosses the space between them as slowly as he can, placing his finger pads on Sasuke’s bottom lip. “Only if you want to,” he promises.
At the touch, the heightened tension quickly seeps out of Sasuke. He takes a consoling breath, and soon it’s like the hesitation never happened. He parts his mouth willingly, hungrily even, to allow Naruto to press inward, gliding over the top of his tongue. His eyelids flutter shut as his teeth scrape along Naruto’s fingers.
Naruto’s gasp stutters its way out of him, completely transfixed by the sight and the feeling. Sasuke’s mouth is hot and wet and tighter than he had expected, and his tongue swirls over the web of Naruto’s fingers like he knows exactly what he’s doing and what it's doing to him.
Each breath encases a wave of heat around his digits and sends an even more scalding heat directly to his core. He feels like he’s on fire, Sasuke fanning the flames as he wraps his lips around Naruto’s knuckles.
“Oh my god,” Naruto chokes out, thinking that he might not even make it to the point of jerking them off before he dies.
Sasuke nudges his chin forward, encouraging Naruto to thrust in and out. He obliges, of course. Sasuke could probably ask him to jump off a cliff right now and he’d already be freefalling. And the longer Naruto watches him, the longer he stares at the curve of his cheekbones and the pliant shape of his mouth, the less he remembers why he was doing this in the first place.
Sasuke seems to anticipate this, however, pulling back ever so slowly to release Naruto’s fingers, slicked enough that the wetness runs off into his palm.
Naruto feels almost woozy. He bleats a cough, dazedly eyeing his palm. “Yeah, um, that should work,” he stammers.
After a second, his gaze drifts downwards again, towards his original intent, Sasuke’s rightfully smug smile in his peripherals. He lowers his hand to slot it around the both of them, but it wavers, barely making contact with their skin.
“Chickening out already?” Sasuke asks pointedly, stabilizing his arm behind him to shift them even closer together. Their cockheads brush.
“No,” Naruto argues, straining to keep his thoughts and body together, given that both things feel like they’re going to explode at that slightest touch. “No,” he repeats. “I’m– I’m just… considering my options here.”
“Uh huh,” Sasuke intones sarcastically. “I’m sure.”
Before Naruto can shake the headiness from his mind and verbalize a witty reply – no, really, he definitely has a believable justification for why he’s suddenly nervous about giving his best friend a handjob – Sasuke leans in further, his breath caressing the shell of Naruto’s ear.
“I like it slow at the beginning,” he whispers.
Naruto shudders at the sensation, and his cock twitches in his hand as he wraps it around the both of them more firmly, with purpose now. “I knew that,” he claims, more than a little breathless. “Who doesn’t?”
Incentivized by the encouragement, he does begin to stroke, setting a languid rhythm. He tries to match his exhales to the pace, to not get overwhelmed so quickly, but it’s hard. It’s hard when he knows Sasuke is right here with him, he’s feeling Sasuke right here with him, and they’re doing this together because Sasuke initiated something in the first place, because he wanted to do this–
“... What else do you like?” Naruto breathes, quiet, ensuring that no one else hears the realization that he might not mind Sasuke telling him what to do.
He thinks he can feel the latter huff a small, satisfied laugh as he mouths against Naruto’s ear. “Using your thumb… over the t– ”
Sasuke’s suggestion is cut off with a jagged gasp as Naruto, ever eager to please, preempts the instructions by dragging his thumb over the slit. And it seems to have been the correct maneuver, if Sasuke’s soft groans are anything to go by.
Naruto’s confidence grows as he continues, listening for subtle changes in Sasuke’s breath for guidance on which direction to take, to speed up, slow down, learning how he wants to be touched. A phantom ache deepens in his other arm, longing to touch even more of him, to find out what other sounds he could elicit.
“I also like…” Sasuke eventually admits, when his inhales are clipped and his voice is rough, “thinking of you… inside me.”
Despite how good, perhaps even perfect, everything currently feels, Naruto pulls back, his hand halting mid-stroke.
He looks at Sasuke dead-on. “What the hell!” he whines. “You can’t just say stuff like that!”
Sasuke doesn’t seem concerned about the interruption. In fact, he appears to be using the pause to his advantage. “Mmm,” he muses, slowly unwrapping his legs from Naruto’s waist, his back arching as he leans into his arm, repositioning himself into a kneel.
His hand soon finds the base of Naruto’s throat, ostensibly for balance, as he shifts and raises higher onto his knees. But the slightest curl of his fingers around Naruto’s neck and the way he murmurs “can’t I?”, all low and drenched in insinuation, makes Naruto keen, his body acting the hypocrite to his words.
Naruto’s eyes rise to Sasuke’s face, the latter perched over him now. And Naruto must look outrageous, hair and shirt disheveled, pants at least half-off, possibly torn in more than one spot, and he knows the tan of his face is brushed over with bright red. And he knows it reddens further still as his gaze meanders from the trimmed black hair between Sasuke's legs, over the plane of his chest, taking a long detour on his mouth.
He could look at him all night. And all day tomorrow. And the day after, and the day after that, until he didn’t have to bother keeping track how long he’d spent looking at him because the days were so many, and in comparison the days they spent apart would seem so few, the number so small and insignificant that it wasn’t worth thinking about ever again.
Sasuke’s gaze follows a similar path over Naruto’s skin, but his detour lingers on the circular, off-white scar on Naruto’s chest. When their eyes finally meet, Sasuke’s are glinting but heavy. “Wouldn’t you like that, too?” he asks, but it’s like he’s harboring a burgeoning uncertainty about Naruto’s answer.
“Well, yeah!” Naruto readily supplies. “Of course! Of course I would!”
Nodding at the response, and maybe even letting a breath of relief escape, Sasuke shifts again. This time, his palm slides down onto Naruto’s chest for stability, and he angles himself over Naruto’s length.
“Wait a second,” Naruto quickly interrupts, grabbing around Sasuke’s wrist. He fortunately has the bare minimum capacity for forethought, enough to see where this is going, and his head tilts in confusion. “I mean, you’re not talking about right now, right?” he clarifies.
Sasuke continues moving as if he very much is talking about right now, and Naruto has to tug him forward.
“Sasuke,” he urges. “It’s not the same for guys, you know. Ero-sennin and Kakashi-sensei told me.”
This statement stops the operation quite effectively. Sasuke glares at him, eyes narrowing. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he hisses.
Naruto scoffs, intellect challenged. “No, idiot, I’m not kidding! Are you dumb? How have you never learned this?”
“Asshole, of course I’ve learn–”
“It doesn’t work like it does for girls!” Naruto insists, talking over him. “That would really hu–”
Sasuke shoves forcefully into his chest. “I don’t care if it hurts.”
“I care if it hurts!” Naruto replies, wide-eyed and bewildered. “What the fuck!”
“Naruto. We don’t have our fucking arms. I think I can handle this.”
Casting Sasuke’s hand to the side, Naruto tries to cross his arms in steadfast disagreement before once again realizing he still can’t do that. So he just settles for laying it over his dick, which aggressively resists the pressure, and sticking his nose in the air. “Nuh uh. I’m not doing it,” he argues. “I’m not hurting you again.”
Sasuke grits his teeth and his eyes narrow further still. Naruto worries that he may actually have pissed him off this time, and fretfully considers that even masturbating a hundred times after this will likely not solve the problem if they stop now. But after a moment, Sasuke sighs deeply.
“Fine. Whatever,” he relents. “I have another idea.”
“Yeah?” Naruto asks excitedly, optimism returning.
“Yeah. C’mon,” Sasuke offers as he sits back on the alcove wall again, uncurling his legs. He pokes Naruto’s side with one of his feet. “Let’s move to the bed.”
“Okay!” Naruto beams, jumping off the windowsill to stand and nearly toppling fully over with his pants around his ankles in the process. Sasuke snickers as he calmly slides beside him.
They don’t have to move far, because maybe Sasuke subconsciously internalized that his bed should be where the sunlight could reach him. Both of them shuffle on top of the sheets, Sasuke asking if Naruto can get behind him, so that they can lay side by side.
“But first,” Sasuke starts, as they begin to recline next to each other. “Let me…”
He trails off, leaning over Naruto so that his mouth hovers above his cock. Naruto watches as he sucks his cheeks inward just the slightest bit, his eyes half-lidded while spit runs off of pursed lips, falling onto his tip and down the length.
Naruto makes a noise that's halfway between a yelp and a whimper. It might also have a howling quality to it, too.
“Now,” Sasuke instructs, turning to lay on his side as if the best moment of Naruto’s life didn’t just happen, unceremoniously spitting on his own hand to wet his inner legs. “Get between my thighs.”
Naruto continues moaning. “Oh my god, how do you keep doing things like that–”
“Hey. Dobe,” Sasuke interjects, impatient. “Thighs. Now.”
The restlessness in Sasuke’s voice compels Naruto to act, because he certainly feels just as restless about what’s to come, but also because every single reminder that Sasuke wants him sends lightning through his veins.
“Yeah,” he complies. “Yeah. Okay.”
He settles behind Sasuke, bunching both of their shirts up a bit so they can be skin-to-skin. Sasuke’s back against his chest feels very warm. He feels very... alive. And the moment feels strangely more intimate than anything they’ve done so far, them just being close to each other.
As he aligns himself between Sasuke’s legs, he has an upsetting realization.
“Wait, but I…” Naruto mutters, awkward, unsure of how to get his point across. “I can’t… I can’t see your face like this.”
He expects Sasuke to whinge at the complaint, but the latter simply rolls onto his back more, so that his top half is angled upward.
“How about now?” Sasuke asks genuinely, glancing sideways at him. “Better?”
Naruto smiles and nods appreciatively. “Better.”
He maneuvers himself into place, wrapping his arm over Sasuke’s chest to pull them flush against one another as he slides his cock through the small opening of Sasuke’s upper thighs.
“Oh wow,” Naruto reacts immediately, exclaiming like it was punched out of him. Sasuke’s muscles are slick and tight around him, and his tip brushes against Sasuke’s length on the other side of his legs. “This is good,” he murmurs onto Sasuke’s neck, already unable to stop himself from thrusting slowly. “This is very good.”
Sasuke’s pulse is quick against the flat of Naruto’s tongue on his throat, and his reply hums over Naruto’s lips. “It is for me, too,” he says.
“Mmm, I bet it is,” Naruto boasts. He nibbles Sasuke’s skin lightly. “I’m the one who’s doing it.”
“Watch it, usuratonkachi.” Sasuke ineffectively swats at him with his injured arm. “Let’s see if you can actually follow through,” he taunts.
Never one to back down from a challenge, Naruto snarls playfully, increasing his pace but only slightly, remembering Sasuke’s preference from earlier.
The way they move against each other feels inherently right, like their physical compatibility is just as strong, just as preordained as all the other bonds that led them here. It’s so visceral, too, the sensation of Sasuke clenching around him, the way his cock also throbs each time Naruto’s presses flush against it. Sasuke’s breathing accelerates, the expansion of his ribcage blooming forcefully underneath Naruto’s forearm laid across it.
Naruto pants just as heavily while he thrusts, his mind hazy with desire.
“I know... that it’s probably weird…” he rambles in between open-mouthed kisses to Sasuke’s shoulder blade, his collarbone, his neck. “But I… I’ve been thinking about this. For so long. For so fucking long. Definitely since I saw you with your shirt open that one time.” He grunts at the memory. “Why did you wear it like that? And why did you get so close to me to tell me to fuck off? You had your arm around me and everything. You could have just told me from the top of that rock–”
Sasuke’s respondent laugh is so bright that Naruto thinks he might go blind. Or deaf? Potentially both. “Maybe this is why I wore it like that,” he breathes back.
“Oh,” Naruto replies blankly, still starstruck. “Huh. That’s a fair point. Okay. I take it back. That one makes sense.” He nods against Sasuke. “Honestly, a lot of things make more sense right now…” he mutters to himself.
He nudges his forehead on Sasuke’s hairline, their hair damp and matted together. “But, you know,” he continues, a little incoherent. “I thought you’d have your sharingan on. Hah. Don’t you want to remember–”
Sasuke grabs around Naruto’s wrist, turning his head sharply. He stares at him directly. Naruto pauses for a moment.
“Naruto,” Sasuke states. His name is tender and safe in the other’s mouth. “You are so, so stupid if you think I’d ever forget this.”
Naruto blinks. His lips part slightly in surprise, at the sincerity in the admission.
“Yeah,” he replies, breathless, instinctive. “Same.”
Sasuke stares at him for a moment longer, as if to ensure that Naruto truly comprehends his words. Then he lets his eyes close, shoulders relaxing, apparently satisfied. After Naruto recollects himself, he resumes his movements, more fervent this time.
It seems like, in the thick of it, they fuck the same way they fight. Raw. Unabashed. Strewing insults. And with unparalleled devotion.
So, maybe, if an outsider were to glimpse through the window, the one that casts a slant of pale, glowing moonlight over the both of them, maybe they’d say it’s the same as it’s always been. The same as it was always going to be, this moment between them as inevitable as the passage of time.
The familiarity of it all kindles the fire within Naruto, burning hotter with every second of contact between them. But it’s that feeling of novelty, of a new, possible future, that ignites the whole of his body.
Because maybe now there’ll be no more chasing. No more rushing. No more too late, no more not fast enough. Now, it feels like there might be reminders to water the plants in the early morning, there might be knees and ankles brushing during the midafternoon at a ramen shop, or playful punches in the late, late evening after Naruto’s once again forgotten his robe at the office.
It doesn’t have to be a dream. It doesn’t have to be a genjutsu where everyone is living a lie.
It could really, truly be this. It could be them.
Naruto can see it behind his closed eyes, as real and vivid as anything. And if there’s something wet and salty on his lips as he mouths at the divot of Sasuke’s collarbone… then maybe he deserves to be able to taste it.
“I– I–” Naruto pants, the heat engulfing him now coalescing in his gut.
“Me too,” Sasuke breathes, because he knows what Naruto means without him having to say it, his muscles tensing, his fingernails digging even deeper into Naruto’s forearm.
Naruto buries his face into Sasuke’s neck as he finishes, moaning his name. But he keeps moving through the overstimulation and pulls his head back just a bit, so he can see the other’s face, as he reaches around Sasuke’s length to bring him over the edge, too.
Sasuke’s louder than Naruto was when he comes, eyes shut tight, and the noise that leaves him sounds like it’s finally severed the tangled roots that had been repressing it for so, so long. It almost sounds like it hurts.
Their breaths and bodies are heavy against one another in the aftermath, less like a burden and more like a shield. Naruto tries to burn the image of Sasuke’s bitten lips into every single corner of his mind, even as his eyelids begin to flutter closed.
“Can you stay?” Sasuke whispers, the request hanging in the air above them. He sounds tired too. “Just for a bit.”
“Of course,” Naruto immediately answers, like it’s a habit, the arm draped over Sasuke pulling him closer. “Of course I’m staying.” He pauses. “I’m pretty good at that, you know.”
Sasuke just presses his thumb into the inside of Naruto’s wrist. “I know.”
Naruto lets out a long, contented hum, thinking that having only one bed in his apartment won’t be so bad after all.
✦
Light bleeds in through the sides of the window panes in the morning when Naruto wakes, the same as red would stain the edges of gauze around a wound.
His hand splays out on the sheets next to him, searching for the warmth where Sasuke should be.
Where he should be.
Because he’s not. He’s not there.
Naruto’s eyes shoot open, his teasing question from last night playing back in his head.
Are you ever going to leave?
Yeah. I am. Soon enough, his memory of Sasuke responds, just as serious as it was mere hours ago.
And that Sasuke looks at him, the familiar resolute sadness in his eyes. I want you to forgive me for this, he says.
He said. Past tense.
The room freezes over with the winter morning’s chill even in the few minutes it takes for Naruto to run out the door. It might have something to do with the scattered shards of broken glass on the windowsill.
✦
The bark of the tree stings against Naruto’s back as he tenses against it. He doesn’t bother healing the scratches. He wants to be angry. He wants to be reminded that he’s angry.
When Sasuke finally reaches where he stands, there’s a long, long silence between them. The wind whirs through the leaves as they stare at one another.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” Sasuke eventually mutters, none of the usual confidence in his tone. There’s the barest, muted red rim lining his eyes.
Naruto’s face scrunches up. He can’t decide if he wants to scream or sob. Maybe he’ll do both.
But most of all, he wants to ask why the fuck, after all this time, Sasuke would ever think he wouldn’t come. And especially this time, more than any of the others, as if Naruto couldn’t still see the subdued pink splotches marked along his neck, even under the collar of his coat. He wasn’t trying to hide that, so why the hell would he hide this?
The fact that he was never going to stay?
Sasuke’s eyes shift to Naruto’s hand. “You’re still at this,” he mumbles weakly, like he’s just going through the motions.
Naruto’s grip clenches around the headband. He has to say something, because if he keeps thinking about watching Sasuke’s back as he leaves again, as he walks away to be alone again, he doesn’t know what he’ll do.
He shoves his arm out between them. “I’m returning it, jackass,” he seethes. “It’s yours.”
Sasuke just regards it dully. “I can’t wear this,” he says.
“Why not?” Naruto retorts. “This is your ho–”
“Just because I came back here,” Sasuke replies, his lips a tight line. “Doesn’t mean it’s my home.”
Naruto’s fist shakes. It feels like his whole body is teeming with contention. “Alright,” he argues. “Since you wanna be a wise guy. Where is your home, then? Huh?” He gestures forcefully towards where they both came from. “Huh? Where the hell is it if not here?”
Sasuke’s jaw is clenched. He doesn’t reply.
Naruto punches the headband against Sasuke’s chest. “Answer me, you assho–”
“I don’t know, ” Sasuke grits out.
There’s a beat. “I want to… find out,” he murmurs.
Naruto makes a face of abject disbelief. “You don’t need to find out,” he insists, stepping closer, removing the distance between them. “Because I’m telling you the answer right now, it’s here– ”
“I do need to find out,” Sasuke counters. He grabs Naruto’s arm, but he doesn’t try to make him lessen the pressure on his chest. “You got to find out, didn’t you?”
“What are you talking about?” Naruto asks, shaking his head in confusion.
“You didn’t always know the answer, either.” Sasuke’s grip on him tightens, but it’s like he’s doing it to stabilize himself, to prepare himself for what he’s going to say next.
“Naruto,” he says, and Naruto wonders if his name is always going to sound like this when Sasuke says it now. Like it’s the budding leaf on the windowsill that he won’t let die.
“You know so…” he starts, looking away for a moment. “You know so much that I don’t know. So much.” He winces. “And I’m selfish, aren’t I? I’m so selfish. I don’t know any other way to be.”
Naruto doesn’t know what to say. He's at a loss for words. How can he convince Sasuke to let all of their choices stay behind them, convince him that it’s different now? That wanting him is different. Isn’t it different? It’s not selfish. It can’t be selfish, because he wants him too.
“...I don’t know yet, anyway,” Sasuke continues, bringing his gaze back to Naruto. He swallows thickly. “But I want to learn. I want to find out.” His voice is so heartbreakingly earnest. It almost doesn’t sound like him.
“So, please,” he asks. He closes his eyes, exhaling heavily. “Please let me figure it out myself,” he finishes, barely at a whisper.
Naruto wants more than anything for them to figure it out together. To figure it out for him, to strip the burden away from him completely. To give him the easy future that wasn’t ever granted to him in the past. To either of them.
And he could do it. He knows that he could. He could bear it for him, all on his own shoulders, by himself. He could do it for the rest of his life, and wherever they go after.
But someone had told him recently that trying to do it alone would only end in failure. And Naruto also knows that person was right.
And maybe Sasuke has to figure that out, too. In his own way.
“Well,” Naruto mutters after a long while, frowning. He sniffles and kicks at a non-existent rock. “I guess learning by experience is the best way to do it… or whatever.”
The corner of Sasuke’s mouth pulls up the tiniest bit. “I thought you might know what I meant,” he breathes.
“Yeah,” Naruto sighs, dropping his hand from Sasuke’s chest, grimacing with the knowledge of what he has to do. Of how he has to let go, again.
But it is different this time. It is. It has to be. At least a little.
He straightens, clearing his throat. “And so you should also know what I mean,” Naruto adds, “when I’m telling you that your home is here.”
Sasuke opens his mouth to reply, but Naruto stops him. “But you can tell me that I’m right and how smart I am and all that… when you get back, I guess. And notice how I said when,” he emphasizes, holding an authoritative finger in the air.
“And also,” he continues. “I’ve got a lot of stuff to do. I’m really busy now. With… you know… the, um… the things that I have to do.” He coughs. “So I can’t just wait around or– or–”
Or go with you, he doesn’t say, because as soon as the words leave his mouth he knows that’s exactly what he would do.
“I know,” Sasuke nods, understanding. “I don’t want you to.”
“Well, good,” Naruto quickly doubles down, faster the alternative can make its way out of his throat. “Because I’m not going to. And besides, I don’t really care what you–”
“–what I want,” Sasuke finishes for him, but he smirks when he says it. “Yeah, you’ve mentioned that.”
He delicately takes the headband from Naruto’s hand, pocketing it in his bag. Naruto tries to smile, but he’s also pursing his lips together so hard to keep himself from crying that the resulting expression is probably just as painful to look at as it is to make.
But Sasuke does look at him, turning towards him a final time, taking another steadying breath. He lifts a hand shakily between them, index and middle finger pointed outward. But he seems to change his mind as he raises it, redirecting instead to reach behind Naruto, cupping the nape of his neck gently, pressing their foreheads together.
“See you later, Naruto,” he promises. His fingers tremble where they meet Naruto’s skin. “I’ll miss you.”
“Yeah,” Naruto replies, leaning against him.
“I’ll miss you, too.”