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The sun set an hour ago but Adam still hadn't ventured inside. He was stood on the balcony of the penthouse apartment that was technically his but it had long since become the crew's. It was where they made their plans, it was where they hung out after a heist, where they licked their wounds if shit went down. It was their home.
But to Adam it hadn't felt like home in a week. 7 long days of waking up in an empty bed, a coldness to the sheets that seeped into Adam's bones. The emptiness flooding into his mind.
The first two days were spent ignoring it, getting on with his life and pushing the emptiness to the back of his mind. He didn't talk about it to anyone, even when they asked he just shrugged them off and they let him. He did his work, socialised with his friends and did all the same activities he did every day. But the emptiness could only be held back for so long.
Day 3 was spent in his bed, not moving for anything. The emptiness now taking the form of sadness. He stared at the ceiling for hours upon end before decided the ceiling had been studied enough and then studied the wall instead. Food and water was brought to him thanks to caring crew members but it was barely touched.
Day 4 was a day of anger. It burst out of him like fire, consuming and burning everything in his path. Picture frames smashed, mirrors shattered. Doors slammed, screaming, shouting, cursing heard throughout the penthouse. When the penthouse had taken all it could, all the possessions smashed, all the residents hidden away from the rampaging anger then it was time to turn to the city. His favourite pistol tucked into his jeans, one of their spare cars absent from its normal space in the garage. Reports of gunshots, explosions and chaos occupied the news station for hours. At the end of all, when the anger and rage had washed away, when the exhaustion set in Adam watched the car burn on the side of Chiliad, flames dancing, smoke dispersing into the atmosphere and the soft crackling of the paint bubbling, of the plastic burning.
Day 5 was spent apologising half-heartedly to the crew, spent apathetically cleaning up the mess he had made and spent in an uneasy silence. It was much like day 3 expect he refused to step into the bedroom, instead spending his time in the kitchen, the living room. Everywhere else but the bedroom. Day 5 could also be referred to as the day Adam gave up. The day Adam resigned himself to the fact he was gone.
Day 6 was the day the rest of them snapped. The day where James sped off on his bike, helmet hiding the determined scowl etched into his features. Lawrence disappeared as well returning hours later smelling of cheap liquor. The faraway smell of smoke escaping from Sean’s room. The coddling from Elyse, her constant hovering around Adam. Playing Halo just to try to draw a conversation from him not bothering to hide her disappointment when she failed. Bruce left for several hours in the evening, coming home with bruised and broken knuckles. Joel locked himself away, the muffled sound of music and it can be guaranteed that his stash will be several lines lighter by the end of the evening. Adam witnessed the crew falling to pieces around him. He knew he should do something, be there for them, act like a leader but he couldn’t. The emptiness wrapped tight around his mind, his body. Constricting him. Consuming him.
Now here Adam was on day 7, out on the balcony with a pack of cigarettes that was getting lighter and lighter. Smoke one, stub it out and repeat. Hands gripped onto the railing tightly to stop the shaking. His phone left forgotten on the kitchen counter. No one approached him, he could distantly hear members of his crew, his family, going about their days behind him. James still hadn’t returned. Adam should probably be concerned, should probably check his phone. Maybe even call him but instead here he was half a pack of cigarettes down with the sun setting on the horizon, casting the city below him in an orange glow.
The sound of the front door opening didn’t concern him, remaining unmoving but the sound of glass shattering broke through his self-absorbed haze. Turning towards to living room his hand clenched around the cigarette packing as his eyes took in the scene in front of him.
There stood fucking Matt Peake. The man who disappeared off 7 days prior, the source of the damning emptiness that had swallowed up Adam’s mind and heart. There he fucking was, glaring at James who had his arm in a death grip. Joel in the kitchen, the remains of a glass shattered around him, left forgotten as his eyes flickered from James to Matt to Adam and back to Matt. The atmosphere incredibly tense as Adam stared at the man who left him, left them without so much as a goodbye.
Once the initial shock had worn off Adam took a step forward. Then another. The steps echoed in the quiet room, Matt abandoned his staring match with James, shoulders tensing up further as Adam drew closer and closer to the pair.
Adam didn’t look at James as he spoke. “James, leave us.” James barely got two words into a rebuttal before the glare from Adam shut him up. With one final glare at Matt he let go of his arms, him and Joel wandering down the hallway. Adam waited until he heard the click of a door shut before turning to Matt.
“You left.” Matt didn’t answer. “I woke up and you were gone.” Nothing. “You just fucking left.”
Matt was finally looking at him now but his silence was deafening. He finally comes back and he has nothing to say. Adam wanted to punch the man, break his nose, spill some blood but what good would that do.
“Do you even realise how much that fucking hurt? To find you gone with no note, no text. If you wanted to leave Peake then a note would have been nice. It’s a common fucking curtesy.”
“I know.” His voice barely more than a whisper. His tone betraying his as usual stony facial expression.
“If you want to just fucking go, then go right now. I’m giving you the chance to leave, no questions asked. Just walk out that door now Peake.”
Peake frowned, his façade slipping as Adam watched the flicker of hurt in his eyes.
“No.”
“Why not, you left before? Why is it different now Matt? It’s pretty fucking obvious that you didn’t come back of your own will.” Adam crossed his arms. He couldn’t help the venom in his voice. Channelling his emotions into anger rather than having an actual break down in front of the man. He wanted to, he wanted to scream, to cry, to punch Matt in his stupid face. Matt seemed conflicted, words never came easily to him especially at times like this. Adam waited, waited for Matt to turn and walk out of the door, out of their lives and out of his. He waited and waited but it never came.
Instead he got a quiet whisper. “I can’t.” Adam was about to ask what exactly it was that Matt couldn’t do but Matt beat him to it. “I can’t leave. I thought I could but I can’t. I was wrong.”
“Wrong about what exactly? I still don’t know why you did it.”
Matt shrugged. “I was scared.” The statement echoed in Adam’s mind. Scared. He was scared. Scared of what. It wasn’t until Matt was answering him that he realised he was said it out loud. “Scared of us Adam. When I came here, when you hired me I was only supposed to be your sniper. I never meant to get this close. You guys were never supposed to become my friends, you were never supposed to more than my boss but things changed. You guys drew me in, you drew me in. I found myself wanting to spend more time around you, be with you. Then we started whatever it is between us. I was never supposed to get this involved.” Adam stood shocked. Whatever it was he wasn’t expecting Matt to open up so much, usually a man of few words but here he was spilling thoughts and feelings. “I was never supposed to fall for you.”
“So you left.” Matt sighed and nodded. He ran his fingers through his hair.
“It was too much, it kind of hit me all at once and I didn’t know how to handle it. I’ve never let anybody get so close to me like you do, I’ve never had someone like you in my life and it scared me so I ran. I ran away from it. I thought it would be easy, that I could forget and move on but then James found me. I didn’t hide myself well, didn’t drop off the radar as much as I should have. I’m not sure I really wanted to. He was pissed, started shouting at me and dragged me back here. “
“So what you’re telling me is you figured out that you love me, freaked out and ran away.”
“Basically.”
“You’re a fucking idiot.”
“I know” Adam sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He should still be mad, he was still mad but Matt was here now, he was standing right in front of him. Matt eyed Adam warily. Having never been in a situation like this he didn’t really know what the social protocol was, should he say something or just wait? He elected on waiting mostly because that involved him staying quiet, already have spoken more than he had in the past week. It was the most he had ever talked about his feelings. Matt had been in plenty of dangerous situations, some harrowing positions but never had he felt as vulnerable as he does in this moment.
“Do you want to stay?” Matt nodded. “What about us, do you want to be with me? Properly this time, not whatever confusing mess we were before.”
“Yes. I do. Do you still want me?” Matt spoke the last part of the sentence sheepishly, not bothering to mask the worried anticipation he felt. Nervous for Adam’s answer, nervous about how he had fucked up, fucked up so badly that he wasn’t sure what Adam even wanted him anymore.
Adam’s eyes softened. It was rare to see Matt like this. The only times he ever came close to seeing Matt like this, nervous, scared, hurt was the nights after a heist gone wrong, the nights after one of their own had had a close call, a bullet that strayed too close to being fatal. Those nights still didn’t compare to seeing Matt’s face so openly exhibiting his emotions. No mask, no stoic face hiding turmoil and fear, completely and unabashedly baring his emotions for Adam to see. He took a step towards Peake, closing the gap between them.
Wrapping his arms around Matt he whispered. “Of course I do.” He both felt and heard the sigh of relief. Matt slowly brought his arms up to return the embrace. Adam brought his lips to connect with Peake’s own, the kiss bringing him back home. The apartment finally feeling like home again as they slowly moved their lips against each other. They broke apart with soft smiles.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Look I don’t want you to spend the next few weeks apologising to me all the time. I’m not going to lie to you Matt, I’m still hurt and it’s probably going to take some time but we’ll work through it. I’m pretty sure we’ve been through worse. It hurts but I’m not mad anymore” Matt chuckled. “Oh, but I can’t speak for the rest of the crew, have fun dealing with that one.”
“Fuck.”