Work Text:
Following the sudden trend of asking Red Robin ridiculous questions, Gotham’s media quickly realized something—The Batfamily loved the weird little gremlin interviews.
Naturally, they doubled down.
***
The crime scene was brutal. The Riddler’s signature neon-green question marks had been smeared onto the walls . The bodies left behind painted a gruesome picture of just how wrong things had gone.
Red Hood stood next to Batman, arms crossed, watching the Dark Knight analyze the mess.
Batman said something—probably a lecture, definitely something about restraint—before stepping deeper into the scene. Red Hood exhaled sharply through his nose and turned to leave, slipping into the shadows.
And then—
"Red Hood! Red Hood!"
Red Hood didn’t even flinch. He was already debating whether he should vanish or banish vanish (aka smoke bomb and traumatize a journalist for life).
Before he could decide, the reporter blurted out, “What’s your go-to self-care routine?!”
Red Hood stopped dead.
He turned his head slightly.
Oh, he had been waiting for this one.
"An Earl gray, heavy metal, and eight hours of pretending I’m a functional human being," he deadpanned before disappearing.
The reporter, now questioning every life choice that had led her here, just stood there, microphone still raised.
***
"How many knives do you currently have on you?"
"Enough to host a dinner party with the entire League of Assassins."
***
"Would you rather fight a hundred tiny Jokers or one Joker the size of Killer Croc?"
"Oh, one giant Joker. Easier to set on fire."
***
"If you had to choose between giving up guns or giving up your leather jacket, which one would it be?"
"I’d give up my will to live first."
***
"What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever been arrested for?"
"One time, a guy tried to mug me. The cops showed up, and I was the only one still conscious. Apparently, that ‘looked bad.’ And people wonder why Gotham’s crime rate is 200%."
***
"What’s your stance on pineapple on pizza?"
Red Hood cracked his knuckles. "Oh, I have a very strong stance. It’s a crime worse than anything I’ve ever done."
***
At this point, Red Hood had unintentionally become the favorite vigilante to harass with questions. The Gotham Herald even had a running series called “Red Hood’s Weekly Unhinged Interviews.”
One day, a reporter caught him mid-fight and screamed, "If someone gave you a briefcase full of cash, no questions asked, what’s the first thing you’d buy?"
Red Hood wiped blood off his knuckles, dodged a knife, and answered, "A better therapist."
***
"If you had to pick one Batfamily member to be your partner for a heist, who would it be and why?"
"Nightwing. The guy can do backflips in a tux, he’s practically built for crime."
***
"If Batman banned motorcycles, what would you do?"
"Commit homicide."
***
"If you had to live with one Gotham rogue for a week, who would it be?"
"Penguin. Dude runs a club. Free drinks. Probably decent room service."
***
"Would you rather fight Jokerized Batman or batmnaized Joker"
Red Hood deadpanned, "I’d rather fight my demons, but I’m clearly losing that battle."
***
"If Gotham crime disappeared for 24 hours, what would you do?"
"Find a new city to terrorize, Or I'd just move to Bludhaven"
***
"How many Red Hood helmets have you lost?"
"Enough that Batman put a tracker on the latest one. Joke’s on him, I already threw it into the river."
***
"What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve been mistaken for?"
"One time a drunk guy thought I was a Transformer. I just went with it."
***
"What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever done ?”
“ Weirdest ? Uh , Back when Red Robin used to attend high school , He hated literature classes so he offered me two fruit roll-ups, a wonder-woman poster and three pennies. Well, lets just say he got the highest grades ever recorded for essay writing”
***
"What’s your favorite book?"
Jason paused. Tilted his head. Slowly, Red Hood very slowly turned to look at the reporter, as if she had just asked him to list all 57 flavors of Gotham’s worst gas station slushies in alphabetical order.
Then, he said it. The words that would change everything.
"Pride and Prejudice."
The reporter blinked.
"The—the Jane Austen book?"
Jason placed both hands on his hips like a man about to destroy someone’s entire worldview.
"Yes. The Jane Austen book. The literary masterpiece. The single greatest enemies-to-lovers arc ever written. The foundation of modern romance. That jane Austen book."
The reporter did not run. A mistake.
"Do you even understand," Jason continued, his voice gaining speed like a runaway freight train, "the sheer genius of Elizabeth Bennet? She’s a middle-class woman in Regency-era England with zero power, and yet she’s out here verbally body-slamming rich men like it’s a full-contact sport."
The reporter opened her mouth. Jason did not let her speak.
"And Darcy? Oh, don’t even get me started on Darcy. My guy takes one look at Elizabeth and decides, ‘Ah, yes, let me insult this woman directly to her face because I am in love and my social skills are garbage.’ Classic. Iconic. Never been done before."
Jason began pacing.
"The man literally goes home, stares at his ceiling for six hours, and writes the most passive-aggressive love letter in the history of mankind. Then, when she rejects him like a queen, he does the only logical thing—he goes and fixes his entire personality. Out of spite. He doesn’t even try to win her over at first. He just sees the error of his ways and corrects his behavior like an adult." Jason gestured aggressively. "When’s the last time a man did that, huh? When’s the last time a dude actually listened to constructive criticism and improved himself? Exactly. Never."
The reporter was now frozen in place, eyes darting toward Batman, who was watching from a rooftop like this was the worst possible use of his time.
Jason did not care.
"AND ANOTHER THING," he said, whirling around, coat flaring dramatically. "The Bennet sisters? Absolute chaos gremlins. I love them. Elizabeth is out here savage-quoting poetry at men’s faces, Lydia is running a speedrun on ruining the family name, and Jane is the OG soft girl who deserves better. And don’t even get me started on Mr. Collins, that human disaster of a man—"
The reporter, now visibly sweating, tried to regain control. "So… you just like romance?"
Jason stopped. Stared.
"Romance ?" he echoed, voice flat.
"Uh—yeah?"
Jason exhaled very slowly.
"I like the commentary on class struggle. I like the satire of Regency-era social norms. I like the absolutely unhinged family dynamics.The romance is just the cherry on top. But yes, obviously, I also like romance, because I have taste. "
The reporter, now rethinking every decision that led her here, looked to Batman for help. Batman simply turned away.
Jason cracked his neck. "Now. Sit down, because I will be explaining the Lydia-Wickham situation and why it was actually a calculated move by Darcy to—"
The reporter ran.
“ Did you have to go on a tangent about Pride and Prejudice ?” Batman asked , as he saw the reporter run.
“ Oh, Please I’ll have to shoot the bat signal before you ask me about my favorite book,” he deadpanned.