Chapter Text
[???: Today... I gathered you all here for something of utmost importance.]
A figure spoke from their seat, the room silent as they let him speak.
Who is speaking?
Natsuki Subaru, the Archbishop of Pride, wearing an outfit he refers to as a suit. Black pants tailored to highlight his legs, a white button-up shirt, a dark long-sleeved coat draped over his shoulders like a cape, and an orange tie that stood out against the white shirt. His shoes were dark and well-polished.
He sat in his personal chair, legs crossed, hands folded, with an energetic, sharp smile on his face. His eyes wandered through the dimly lit room.
[Subaru: Because today, as you all know, we’re having... OUR SECRET SANTA!]
Speaking with excitement, he opened his eyes wide, the room seemingly lighting up automatically as he opened his arms. The space was illuminated by crystals of various colors—red, green, yellow, etc., etc. But the most dominant light was a normal, unspecified hue.
This was the Witch Cult’s meeting room for the Archbishops, with chairs for each representative of the sins, all occupied except for Envy’s.
The room used to be dark and gloomy—perfect for temporary meetings of cruel criminals. But since Subaru’s arrival, things had changed. For example: There was now a table in the corner with snacks and food, including some he brought from his world—like bagels and donuts. A more pleasant place, thanks to his modifications.
Some didn’t mind the changes, but others disliked them.
The point now was the reason for the Archbishops’ gathering in this place.
[Regulus: I can't believe this. You actually dared to pull me away from my satisfied, simple path while I was relaxing with my lovely and loyal wives. Something a devoted, humble, and noble husband like me deserves to enjoy, don't you think? After all, I desire nothing more than to live my simple life in satisfaction without unnecessarily hurting anyone. And what do I get in return? Not that I can't find forgiveness in my noble heart for such a transgression, but it’s still an insult, an offense. A violation of my rights, don’t you agree?]
[Subaru: Thank you very much, Regulus-Senpai.]
[Regulus: Hmph! Yes, you know you must be grateful for my patience. Very well. I really am a patient person, a humble one who allows himself to be diverted from his satisfied path to please others around him. Isn’t that wonderful? For I, being so humble, show my kindness and humility by giving you the honor of my presence.]
[Subaru: Yes, yes. Thank you, Regulus-Senpai. Let’s not waste unnecessary time.]
Speaking with patience, he nodded to the white-haired Archbishop who was complaining about being there instead of where he really wanted to be. But he truly didn’t have much of a choice. After all, he wouldn’t be foolish enough to go against the person who made him come: Pandora. As powerful as he was, he knew it wouldn’t be wise to have her as an enemy.
[Petelguese: I want to thank you, Bishop of Pride! You’ve done an excellent job preparing this room for the event! And your effort to bring us all together for this event focused on strengthening the bonds we share as a group—how diligent! Diligent, diligent, diligent, diligent, diligent, diligent, diligent! Oh, what WONDERFUL DILIGENCE!]
[Subaru: Oh, thank you, Petelguese-Senpai. I really wanted to put some effort into this gathering, especially so we could, as you said, strengthen our bonds as a team. And you too, Sirius-Senpai, I’m glad you could make it~]
[Sirius: Oh, thank you, yes? I couldn’t resist when I heard that my beloved Petelguese would be attending this meeting! And also, the chance to share love with others, to become one—it wouldn’t be bad. No, it’s perfect! Thank you for your effort, and I’m sorry for not thanking you sooner!]
With a small hand gesture that said "No need," he turned his attention to another pair in the room.
[Subaru: And I’m glad you could come, Lye-Senpai and Roy-Senpai.]
[Lye: Of course, of course, right? If almost everyone was gathering to join this, to create memories of it, wouldn’t it be best to enjoy such a moment? Tsu~]
[Roy: I don’t really care much, but I can’t deny that there might be a delicious taste to this kind of moment. Tsu~]
[Subaru: ——? That’s... basically the same answer from both of you, but... okay.]
Nodding, he accepted their motivations. Even if they were identical. After all, from his point of view, their presence was what mattered to the Archbishop of Pride.
His gaze returned to the last Archbishop in the room.
[Capella: Oh, what, you piece of meat, your perverted gaze turned to this lady so intensely. Disgusting, how disgusting~~ Gyahahaha~ You’re having lewd thoughts about me, aren’t you, aren’t you~? You filthy pervert~]
[Subaru: ——? No. I’m just happy you came, because now we’re all here for the event, right?]
[Capella: Gyahahaha~ Trying to lie about your intentions, you lecher~]
[Subaru: Okay.]
Shrugging, he adjusted himself.
His gaze wandered across the room, to everyone gathered, then he clapped his hands. The small sound caught their attention.
He was smiling.
[Subaru: Alright! Secret Santa is very simple, but just a reminder to everyone: Each of you chose a gift for someone randomly assigned. We’ll take turns, each giving three hints about who we picked, and the others will try to guess.]
[Regulus: Huh? Why should we actually follow such ridiculous rules? Don’t you realize that by going down such an annoying, drawn-out path just to give a gift to someone—something we could do directly—we’re only wasting time? That may seem irrelevant to you, someone who probably doesn’t carry the same responsibilities as the rest of us, but I, even if I humbly don’t let it show to preserve everyone’s peace, struggle to manage my time. I must fulfill the gospel’s mission and my personal goal of keeping my beloved wives—who love me too—satisfied and happy. Don’t you see how disruptive this is, huh? This is clearly a violation of my right to live humbly and in satisfaction. I never stray from that path to bother those around me as you are now.]
[Subaru: Let’s start the game, okay?!]
Clapping his hands energetically, Regulus’ words were completely ignored by everyone.
[Subaru: Who wants to start?]
[Petelguese: I would like to take the lead, Archbishop of Pride! After so much diligent work from my colleague, I would consider myself a sloth if I couldn’t make an effort to go first! Slothful! Ah, I would really be a sloth!]
[Subaru: Very well, thank you for your courage, Petelguese-Senpai.]
Giving a thumbs-up to the Archbishop of Sloth, who rose from his personal seat.
Some eyes locked onto the man as he began choking himself while speaking.
[Petelguese: The person I picked is truly diligent in their work! Yes, diligent, diligent, diligent! But someone who doesn’t seem to truly see the value in the pursuit of Love! THE WITCH’S LOVE! Love, love, love! THE WITCH’S LOVE! WHY DON’T WE FIGHT FOR IT TOGETHER!? Oh, my brain trembles, Desu~~!!! And he has an ability that lets him try to satisfy his endless hunger~!]
[Subaru: Look… based on the description you gave… I think it might be either Lye or Roy, especially with that ending… So I’ll guess… Roy?]
[Petelgeuse: EXACTLY! YES, Pride Archbishop! THE ONE I HAD THE PLEASURE, THE JOY, WAS ROY ALPHARD, THE ARCHBISHOP OF GLUTTONY! He’s been diligent in his hunts, not discriminating among his targets! Oh, how diligent he is in fulfilling the duty of satisfying his gluttony, his sin, sharing his LOVE! SO DILIGENT! Diligent, diligent, DILIGENT!]
[Subaru: Alright.]
Looking between Petelgeuse and Roy, he saw the scene unfold. The package in the hands of the Archbishop of Sloth began to be carried toward the Archbishop of Gluttony through the Invisible Hands. Roy grabbed it when it was close — a light green package with a darker green ribbon.
Without much care, he tore open the wrapping with his nails and opened the box.
[Roy: Alright. What do we have here, huh? Tsu~]
It was an object that looked like a small leather pouch.
[Petelgeuse: THAT IS A POUCH TO CARRY YOUR GOSPEL! The gospel is the ultimate symbol of our faith in the Cult, the Witch, in LOVE! As devout followers, we must protect it, carry it with us in the most sacred way possible! All to show how devoted we are to the love she gives to beings like us! That’s why you must do so with diligence — and so, I give you this pouch to carry your gospel in the best way possible!]
[Roy: ——. What a pain. Tsu~]
[Petelgeuse: What...?]
Seeing him throw the gift over his left shoulder, the Archbishop of Sloth looked confused.
[Roy: Well, now it’s my turn, right? The one I drew is really bizarre! Too bizarre, disgusting. A strange being with a strange obsession! A meal we can’t even enjoy because it’s so weird! Chasing someone just as bizarre, dressed in horrible clothes. Tsu~]
[Regulus: With such an uninformative description, I’m surprised you expect anyone to guess who you’re talking about. But since you said ‘that one’, we must assume you’re referring to a woman. Since there are only two here — Capella and Sirius — it’s obviously one of them. Based on your description, it could be either. Though I don’t like to speak ill of others, being someone kind and open-minded about how others live — including their appearances, which mean nothing to me unless they interfere with my image or life — they are both naturally bizarre. That said, your description of someone bizarrely chasing someone equally strange lets us exclude Capella. As vulgar and revolting as her existence and mannerisms are, she doesn’t act like that. So it’s obvious the one you mean is the second, just as or even more bizarre — Sirius — who chases after Archbishop Petelgeuse relentlessly.]
[Subaru: He said, “I think it’s Sirius.”]
[Roy: Yes, it’s her.]
With Subaru’s summary — the only one who listened from beginning to end — Roy nodded and tossed a thin package to Sirius, refusing to stand up for it. Sirius caught it in the air.
[Sirius: Oh, such a well-decorated and wrapped gift, Bishop Alphard. Even though I would’ve preferred a gift from my beloved Petelgeuse, I thank you for your effort in giving me something — though it may never compare to what my beloved might have given me if I had been so honored.]
[Roy: Whatever. I prepared a gift and she complains before even opening it? Such a lack of... LOVE, don’t you think? Tsu~]
[Petelgeuse: Indeed! Such a lack of consideration, ignoring the feelings of someone who tried so hard for you, even before seeing what they gave you! Don’t you realize how sad, how cold that is? How slothful such a thought can be?!]
[Sirius: OH, MY PETELGEUSE! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You’re right! I was insensitive not to consider the intentions of my fellow Archbishop. Thank you for showing me how undiligent I was by acting so rashly. I’m very sorry, thank you so much.]
Lowering her head before them, she repeatedly bowed to atone for her apparent mistake. Wasting no more time, she opened the small package — more like an envelope — and took out its contents. A painting. The painting was of Petelgeuse, with his twisted, insane, signature smile that made many uncomfortable… except for the madwoman who received it.
[Sirius: UAAAH!!! What a wonderful gift! Splendid, magnificent!]
[Roy: I used our memories of an artist to create an exact painting of Bishop Romanee-Conti. It wasn’t that hard. And since you’re so desperate for him, and I didn’t want to spend anything... it was, as Subaru says: “Two birds with one stone.” Tsu~]
[Petelgeuse: What...?]
[Sirius: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’LL KEEP THIS WITH ME FOREVER! I’ll take it on my missions, sleep with it, and feel as if my Petelgeuse is with me! Thank you, thank you so much!]
Bowing repeatedly, the two ignored the blank, confused stare of the Archbishop of Sloth, who was trying to figure out what to say or how to react. She stored the artwork she received and pulled out a package.
She settled into her seat with a smile.
[Sirius: The person I drew, whom I was lucky to draw! Is someone diligent, though not as diligent as my Petelgeuse! Has long hair! Works with his relatives, in a very united way — like all families should — a bond formed by unified love!]
[Subaru: Look... I’m gonna say it’s Lye.]
[Sirius: Yes, Pride Bishop! You really got it right! I had the pleasure of drawing Lye Batenkaitos — and just like my beloved Petelgeuse had the joy of drawing his brother! Do you see, my love?! We both, as a couple, drew the two brothers! Do you see how this proves we are interconnected?! That we are destined for one another, don’t you think?!]
[Petelgeuse: ——. Do I need to contact HR again for invading my personal space, Bishop of Wrath?]
Petelgeuse said while Sirius stood far too close for his liking. The threat referred to something he had done before — a complaint to HR that allowed him to stay a week away from her. That threat made her quickly back off, fearing the worst like last time. Especially since Subaru was there, with his terrifying eyes locked on her, ready to sign a complaint if needed.
Since HR was created, she had developed a terrible fear of those working there, not wanting to face them head-on.
Returning her focus to Lye, she stood and walked over, holding something in the palm of her hand she pulled from her pocket. Lye looked confused as she extended her hand toward him, so he raised one of his and opened his palm. She opened hers and let what was inside fall into his.
[Lye: This... is hair? Tsu~]
[Sirius: YES! These are part of my well-preserved sacred treasures. These are the tufts I collected from my beloved Petelgeuse two months ago, during our... super important meeting in the Priestella canals given by the Pride Bishop! I managed to grab them, and since I was supposed to give something valuable, I hope you like them very much.]
[Lye: ——? Well, I guess I’ll have to accept it. Tsu~]
[Petelgeuse: I’d like to file my complaint with HR as soon as we leave here.]
Speaking in a normal tone, without his usual madness, to Subaru, who was already writing down the complaint he knew Petelgeuse would want to make. Lye, for his part, was resigned — grabbing the tufts, lightly squeezing them, pretending to put them in his pocket, but letting them fall to the floor without Sirius noticing.
The Archbishop of Gluttony then pulled out a large rectangular package.
[Lye: The one I picked is someone who's made big changes since joining us. I even appreciate the dental plan we received! He has a connection with someone in our cult. And his eyes are quite… striking. Tsu~]
[Capella: Ho~~ The animal is talking about Pride's new perverted piece of meat, isn’t he? Gyahahaha! How sad, how awful, don’t you think~~? A perverted piece of meat is about to get a horrible gift from a grotesque animal, Gyahahaha~~!!!]
[Subaru: Oh, was it me?]
[Lye: Yes.]
The Archbishop of Gluttony walked over to Pride, who was grinning excitedly upon learning he’d been chosen. He handed over the package gently, without damaging the wrapping or spilling anything. Inside was a bottle.
[Subaru: A wine?]
[Lye: Aged 70 years, it came from a noble’s estate. He hid it in a secret cellar inside a secluded cabin. But since he so... adorably shared his life with us, this is one of the five bottles. I already tasted one, and the flavor is strong, sweet, delicious~ You can really tell he had impeccable taste in drinks. Tsu~]
[Subaru: Whoa! That’s amazing, thank you. I can’t wait for our next tasting to try it. That’s scheduled for the day after tomorrow, right?]
[Lye: Yes. I’ve been preparing some food pairings too. Plus, I got some new special wine glasses. They hold more wine, but not too much, allowing you to enjoy multiple servings while keeping the strength, sweetness, and bitterness of the fruits. Tsu~]
Speaking calmly, this was a typical conversation between the two Archbishops.
They both did wine tastings in their free time. It all started with Lye, who had this hobby, but his siblings didn’t share the same taste. Eventually, the two began enjoying it together.
Now it was Subaru’s turn. He prepared his large package, decorated with a few symbols.
[Subaru: Well... My Secret Santa is someone super cute~! Also very skilled in combat and has such beautiful hair, you just can’t help but want to pat her head~!]
[Capella: What a pervert~~~! Speaking like that about this lovely lady, a truly beloved lady, right~? Talking so sweetly~~! Honestly, what can one even do? Gyahahaha! Very well then, give me your precious gift for this beautiful lady~]
[Subaru: Sorry, but it’s not you, Capella-Senpai. I’m talking about another cute person~!]
[Sirius: Would it be the third Gluttony, Louis Arneb?]
[Subaru: Yep, you got it~~!]
With the confirmation, a huge smile spread across Subaru’s face as he nodded excitedly. Meanwhile, Capella stared with a blank, frustrated look, arms crossed and mumbling softly—clearly jealous.
Focusing his gaze on Lye, the Archbishop of Gluttony understood what he meant. With a motion, space seemed to shatter, revealing what was known as the Corridor of Memories. In Lye’s place appeared a girl.
She wore a white dress, had long blonde hair that reached the floor, piercing blue eyes, and a wide smile full of sharp teeth—now whiter, like her siblings’, thanks to the dental care they all received thanks to Subaru.
[Louis: What an unusual situation, being summoned just for this. You really have some nerve with your requests, Natsuki Subaru, Pride. I can’t help but at least be curious about what you’ve prepared for me. Tsu~]
[Subaru: I made something really special, Louis-chan! W-Well, I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I worked really hard on it.]
He handed her the large package, then returned to his seat while she tore it open and opened the box. Inside—
[Louis: Dolls?]
There were several dolls inside.
Chibi-style dolls of each Archbishop and some knights, like Reinhard and Julius—two people Subaru “faced” the most (though secretly just drank tea and ate cookies with while disguised as Natsumi, but only when Julius was around, since he acted like Subaru when it was just the two of them).
She picked them up one by one, examining them. The stitching was quite beautiful.
[Subaru: Well, I heard where you stay is kind of lonely. So I thought... what would she like that I could make? And this idea came to me. I-I don’t know if it turned out well, but I hope you like it, at least a little. I used my skills to sew each one by hand. But if you don’t like them, just let me know and I’ll try to get you a different gift, if you want.]
Speaking nervously, he rubbed his bandaged hands together—bandaged from sewing each doll.
Louis stared at him for a moment.
She looked at the dolls, then at Subaru’s hands, and finally gave a small smile.
[Louis: Well, I can’t complain. Compared to my siblings, at least I got a decent gift that doesn’t make me want to punch someone. Thanks, Subaru. I’ll enjoy your work. Tsu~]
[Subaru: That’s great!]
Smiling brightly again, his worries disappeared.
Storing her gift, she pulled out another package.
It wasn’t very big, but not small either—medium-sized, poorly wrapped and simple.
[Louis: And now it’s my turn. The person I picked currently has a disgusting look on their face. Looking pretty frustrated. Maybe because they didn’t get what they wanted, huh? Tsu~]
Mocking with her big smile, she glanced at another blond-haired person in the room.
[Regulus: As is obviously evident from your mockery and focused gaze, it couldn’t be me. For although I am frustrated by the delay in finishing these trivialities that interrupt my path to satisfaction, I still restrain myself from showing such frustration. My humility, my patience, and my solemnity at times like these are monumental——]
[Capella: Alright, it’s me! Can you skip the annoying speech?]
[Regulus: HOW DARE YOU?! Are you really trying to rob me of my right to speak, to analyze?! DON’T YOU SEE THAT’S OFFENSIVE?! In this game that, once again I remind you, I was forced to join in this tiresome attempt at bonding with you all, WHEN I COULD BE AT HOME WITH MY WIVES! So I have every reason, every justification...]
Accepting the long speech was inevitable, they decided to move on.
Capella turned her arm into a snake, stretching it toward the package Louis held. Pulling it to herself, she ripped it open with a blank expression.
Once she finished opening it—
She looked confused, shifting her gaze from inside the package to Louis, then back again.
Then she turned it over… and nothing fell out. There was no gift. Completely empty—to everyone’s confusion, except Regulus who continued his speech, unaware if anyone was listening (he believed they were).
[Capella: There’s nothing.]
[Louis: I live in the Hall of Memories and I have no money. Since I wasn’t supposed to reveal what I’d buy to my siblings... Well, I didn’t buy anything. And if I were in the real world… I wouldn’t buy anything either. Bye. Tsu~]
Disappearing to make room for Lye again, Louis left with her gift and returned to the Corridor of Memories.
Leaving Capella with an annoyed expression, crushing the empty package with force, while the others who were paying attention started to get worried.
[Regulus: ...that would be... a violation of my rights, wouldn’t it?]
Regulus finished speaking with a stern look, staring at the group who had completely ignored his words.
The Archbishop of Lust took a deep breath, calming herself down, trying not to kill the brothers of the little Archbishop of Gluttony, Louis—who, when she showed up again, would be hunted down by the blonde woman and beaten in a way she’d never forget. She'd be turned into flies or a worm.
Putting her signature smile back on, she deformed her body to pull a package from within herself.
[Capella: Since it’s my turn, it must be more than obvious who I picked, right~~? Someone with the ugly look of a chunk of meat, a crybaby who thinks he deserves more time to talk about his pathetic little problems, isn’t that right? Disgusting, rude~~ Gyahahaha!]
[Regulus: ——. You know what, Capella? I’m going to take the high road. Just hand it over.]
In a surprising twist, Regulus actually resigned himself to simply extend his arm to receive the gift. He said very little—something that shocked everyone—since he chose not to launch into one of his usual rants about Capella’s disrespect toward him. Subaru, as his and the others’ therapist, felt a surge of pride, nearly shedding a happy tear.
Capella stretched out her grotesque arm and dropped the package into Regulus’ outstretched hand.
The Archbishop of Greed calmly opened it, indifferent, focused solely on ending what he saw as a completely pointless meeting. As he opened the simple package, he saw what was inside. His expression shifted to one of surprise and rage.
[Regulus: WHAT... THE HELL IS THIS?!]
[Capella: Gyahahaha!]
From inside the box, Regulus pulled out... a fake penis.
[Capella: Well... I heard you couldn’t do anything with your dear wives because your little friend doesn’t work... and maybe because it’s extremely small. So, this kind and generous lady, in a moment of pure altruism, decided to gift you with an object that would more than make up for your uselessness in fulfilling your main role as a husband, you know~? Gyahahaha! What do you think, huh? I bet your wives will be happy to know that now their husband can do more than just collect things, maybe, right? Gyahahaha!]
Regulus said nothing.
What did he do? He simply launched a wave of attacks at Capella, not caring who got caught in the crossfire.
And in no time at all…
That Secret Santa meeting turned into a massive battlefield between the two. Regulus trying to annihilate her, Capella mocking him, Lye and Roy munching on donuts while tossing more fuel on the fire, Petelgeuse heading off to file an HR complaint, and Sirius running over to try and stop the chaos.
And Subaru? He was just watching it all, deep in thought.
[Subaru: Man… Secret Santa is the best.]
He thought to himself with a satisfied smile.
—————
So, what did you think? I hope you enjoyed it. I didn’t have many ideas for how they’d give each other presents, aside from Subaru with Louis and Capella with Regulus.
The next Extra in this IF will be about therapy, while the Epilogue will focus on the current operations of the Witch Cult.