Chapter Text
"These skates will be great," Dave, one of the equipment managers said as he finished pulling the laces tight on the boots he was fitting to Harry's feet.
Harry hummed, watching as the laces were tied into a neat bow. Once Dave was finished Harry stood up off the bench he had been sitting on, feeling the skates around his feet. To Harry's surprise the new boots felt quite unpleasant. The ankle supports were pushing uncomfortably against the knobbly bones of his ankle, while other parts around his foot felt loose and unstable despite Dave’s tight tie.
"How do they feel?" Dave asked, checking the tightness around his ankles, obviously happy with the fit because he stopped prodding and stood up.
"Uuuugh… different? Harry said, trying to move his feet around to get them in a more comfortable position.
"Yeah, this is the newer model of the same brand you've got at the moment," Dave nodded, "they get great reviews and some of the other guys have improved their speed in them."
"They're pretty stiff and tight, my old ones weren't like that." Harry sat down again, undoing the laces and adjusting his socks, retying them into something that vaguely resembled a messy bow to see if it would make any difference to the ankle tightness. It didn't, they felt just as uncomfortable.
"Your old ones are so worn they're falling apart around your feet. Anything is going to feel stiffer than those," Dave confirmed, "give them a few weeks to break in though and they'll feel great."
Harry nodded, knowing that Dave was probably right. The skates always soften as they break in, and with the amount of on-ice training they did and games every few days at the moment they would soften in no time. Harry took the skates off, handing them back to Dave.
"I'll have them sharpened and ready for tomorrow morning's practise," Dave said, setting them aside. Harry said his thanks, heading back to the locker room to find Louis so they could go home.
---
The next morning Harry felt like he was three again, learning to skate for the first time. His skates felt awful, loose in all the wrong places and tight around his ankles to the point where it was painfully rubbing in some spots. Harry regretted not wearing the second pair of socks Louis had offered him that morning. He was unbalanced, uncoordinated and slow, to the point where he got called off the ice 30 minutes into training for a headspace check. He had passed of course, he wasn't mentally three.
"Tomorrow's a new day," Louis said as they walked out to the car hand in hand. Louis had been swinging Harry's gloved hand back and forth to try and cheer him up. Harry just said a quiet 'yeah' under his breath, frustrated and upset with his performance and skates. He didn't look up at Louis as they unlinked hands, each heading to their sides of the car to get in.
Once they were seated and Louis had the car on, Louis turned the radio down and turned to Harry.
"It's just the first day, they'll feel better in a week or so," Louis consoled, pulling his gloves off and placing his hand on Harry's cheek and getting him to look up. He swiped at the singular tear that had fallen from Harry's eye. "Come on, let's go home. I think I've got some ice cream hidden in the back of the freezer for you."
"Mint choc chip?" Harry asked as Louis pulled out of the parking space.
"Of course," Louis rolled his eyes.
---
"Try wearing the new ones for the first half of practise and then change to your old ones once the new ones start hurting," Niall suggested. They were the last two sitting in the locker room, Niall standing up to head out.
Harry was still only half dressed, absolutely dreading putting his skates on his feet. Harry almost laughed at Niall's suggestion. He had raw, open blisters on his toes, heels and ankles that were throbbing with pain, which Harry knew would increase from a six to an eight on the pain scale the second he put the new skates on. If he followed Niall's suggestion he wouldn’t even bother putting them on. Too bad his old skates had been thrown out immediately, the trainers and equipment managers reasoning that they were in such poor condition they were basically a safety hazard.
Harry waved Niall out, reassuring him he would be out in a minute, riffling through his bag to find an old pair of socks at the bottom. A third pair would surely add a bit more padding and stop the skates from rubbing as much and maybe fill up some space in the weird loose parts.
---
Harry's on the second week of breaking his new skates in and he doesn't think it's getting any better. To make matters even worse an old ankle injury has flared up, causing niggling, throbbing pain every now and then if he moves his foot the wrong way. Harry puts that down to the extra training hours they had all been putting in.
At least Harry had figured out how to skate again. He's not back to his usual speedy style where he can weave through the smallest gaps, but he feels like he's getting there, slowly. He’ll be fine by the next game.
---
Harry doesn't want to play hockey. He's all suited up, horrible new skates on his feet, and yet he can't find the motivation to get up and head out on the ice to warm up for the game today. His body aches, his feet ache and his ankle is throbbing.
"Anyone seen Hazza?" Scott, one of their training staff members, said as he popped his head through the locker room door.
"Yeah, in here," Niall piped up, nodding towards Harry. There weren't many people left in the locker room at this stage, most of the team out on the ice for warm up.
"Hey, there you are kid! Thought you’d be leading everybody out like usual. Got five minutes for a headspace check?" Scott checked once he was standing next to Harry.
Harry nodded, having been through this procedure every time he was about to get on the ice.
Scott looked around, "here ok? Or we can go back to a treatment room?" There were only three other people left in the locker room, two of which looked ready to leave.
"Here's fine," Harry confirmed, it wasn't like they hadn't all seen him get a headspace check before anyway.
"Great, here's your shapes, can you remember them for the end of this conversation?" Harry looked at the iPad screen that Scott was holding, easily remembering the triangle, circle, square sequence. It was the same sequence he had been shown three days before. Harry nodded his head, signalling he was ready to progress with the rest of the check.
"What day of the week is it?"
"Thursday," Harry answered immediately.
"What's the date today?"
"Uuugh, 14th of January."
"What was the score of the last game?"
"Five-two, us."
"Do you feel big or little?"
"Big," Harry answered truthfully.
"Ok, so far so good. Let's finish up this second part and you can get out there with the boys," Scott said, handing Harry the iPad.
It occurred to Harry at that moment that he didn't have to play hockey today if he didn't want to. If he failed this headspace check he wouldn't be allowed to play, the league rules wouldn't allow it.
Harry took the iPad from Scott's hands, resting it on top of his knees so he could use both hands. He clicked the next button, being prompted to read the sentence on the screen. Harry took his time, taking a short break in between reading each of the words out loud to lengthen his response time. He clicked the next button once he was done, the next screen showing 16 face down memory cards. He clicked on two random cards, not bothering to look at what either of them were once they turned over before continuing, selecting another two random cards. The next two pairs he tried to get, he didn't want to do so badly that they thought he had some sort of head injury. After a few minutes he finally finished, several minutes longer than his average big headspace response time. The final test popped up, an assortment of shapes appearing at the bottom of the screen, asking him to input the shapes sequence he had been shown at the beginning of the test. Harry purposely dragged the wrong shapes into the three boxes in the centre, clicking next once he was done. He handed the iPad back to Scott who opened the results.
"Sorry H, you didn't pass the check," Scott said, showing the screen of the iPad to Harry which had highlighted the last three tests in orange, a description at the top of the page reading 'possible drop imminent'.
"Oh, ok," Harry said, trying to feign innocence. He was secretly ecstatic that he wouldn't be able to play today.
"Do you want me to do a recheck in case it was just a bad run? You seemed pretty with it for those first few," Scott checked.
"Naaa, it's ok. I've had a long week so I probably am feeling a bit little," Harry put on his best disappointed face, hoping that Scott would just leave Harry alone and wouldn't fuss over him. If it was Charlie, she’d see right through him, Harry wouldn't have a chance.
"Ok, are you big enough to be by yourself for now or do you want me to stay with you?" Scott checked, standing up.
"I'll be right, I'll just get out of my gear and sit out on the bench," Harry said, already starting to lift his jersey over his head. Scott nodded, saying his goodbyes once he was sure Harry was ok.
"You ok Harry? I'm going out now, want me to send Louis in?" Niall asked, stopping before he reached the door. Niall was the last person in the locker room other than Harry.
"Nah It's ok, I'll be out there in a sec," Harry smiled, going back to undoing the velcro of his shoulder padding.
---
"Hey Tommo!" Niall called out as he entered the ice, skating to catch up to Louis on the other side of the rink.
"What's up Horan?" Louis said as Niall approached.
"H failed his headspace check," Niall declared.
"What?" Louis said, not sure if he had heard Niall correctly. Harry had been in his big headspace when Louis had left him in the locker room not even 10 minutes ago.
"He just failed his headspace check," Niall repeated.
"Yeah, I heard you the first time. I'm just a bit shocked," Louis replied, "I better go, he'll need me if he's little."
Niall caught Louis' arm as he went to skate away, stopping him, "you can stay, he's still big, he just failed the test. He was going to get changed and just sit on the bench."
Louis worried his lip, looking across the ice to the tunnel heading down to their locker room. Usually if they knew Harry was going to fail because he was feeling little, Louis would set him up on the bench with a blanket and some ear plugs so he could watch without getting overwhelmed, but if Harry was still big he might not want his little things. Louis didn't even know how Harry had failed the test, he had seemed completely big to Louis.
"Come on, he'll be fine. You can talk to him once we finish warming up," Niall persuaded. Louis gave in, turning around and paying attention to their coach who had started yelling out directions.
---
"Hey love," Louis said, walking up to Harry. Harry stood up from the bench to meet his height, letting himself be engulfed in Louis' hug. Harry felt small without all his padding as Louis surrounded him.
"I didn't realise you were starting to feel little," Louis said as he pulled back, holding Harry by his shoulders at arm's length. He studied Harry's face, his eyes, posture, anything that could indicate that Harry was on the edge of little space. Louis didn't see any of Harry's usual tells.
"Yeah, must just be right on the edge. I don't feel little." Harry shrugged, worried that Louis would see straight through his lies.
"Ok, well do you need anything before the game starts?" Louis fretted, running his hand through the hair on the base of Harry's neck, the other coming to rest on his shoulder. "I can get your earplugs or noise cancelling headphones or a blanket or any of your little stuff."
"It's fine. I'll just sit and watch, I really don't feel little so I don't think I'll drop," Harry reassured, grabbing Louis’ hand from his shoulder and moving it so they were holding hands. He used the leverage to pull Louis closer, placing a quick peck on his lips before sending him back to be with the rest of the team.
Louis didn't know how to react, he'd never seen Harry so chill after failing a headspace check. Usually if he was still even close to big Harry would be fighting and pleading to anyone who would listen to let him on the ice. Even little Harry would throw a tantrum demanding to play. Harry just accepting it and sitting out on the bench was very weird.
---
Harry's halfway through week three of breaking in his new skates and he thinks they might break him before he manages to break them in. Apart from all the pain he's been in trying to wear them in, he's beyond stressed because he hasn't been playing well and he feels guilty for purposefully failing the headspace check the week prior, feeling like he's let his team down because they had lost that game.
Harry's also pretty sure Louis picked up on his immense amount of stress. Louis had drawn Harry a bath after their weights session yesterday afternoon, leaving him to bask in the candle glow and warmth of the tub while he'd made Harry dinner. Harry felt extra guilty because Louis had been so kind and Harry had been in a continuous bad mood, grouching at Louis and lashing out for no particular reason other than the fact that he's angry at his own body.
Louis had asked if Harry wanted (or needed) to go down into subspace or little space last night after dinner but Harry had refused. Louis didn't push Harry, trusting Harry to know what he needed and when he needed it, but the more Harry had thought about it the more he knew Louis was right. He needed to process his stress somehow and little space was the perfect way for Harry to just let go of it all.
All this had led Harry to the present moment in the locker room as he sat next to Louis, tying up the laces of the dreaded new skates once again.
"Hey, do you think after practise I could spend some time in little space?" Harry whispered to Louis as he leant over, resting his head against Louis' shoulder.
Louis turned his head to look at Harry, careful not to dislodge Harry’s head. "Of course you can be little, I thought you were never going to ask," Louis said, sighing with relief, "do you need to go down now or are you still ok for practise?"
"After practise is fine," Harry replied after he had thought about it. It was tempting to use being little as an excuse to skip practise and take off the skates immediately, but the thought of the missed game and faked failed headspace check swirled in the back of Harry's mind and the guilt started bubbling up his throat. Harry didn't want to add more stress and guilt to his plate, he could wait till after afternoon skate ended.