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She couldn't stop moving her legs. It was an erratic movement, a senseless swaying, but she couldn't stop.
The cold bathroom floor could be felt even through her pants. Contrary to what many might have thought, it was more soothing than uncomfortable.
Her mind was racing: so many thoughts, so many ideas. All of it culminated in rage, anger, and anxiety. An irrational anger. Everything had been fine just a moment ago; everything had felt fine. She had plans, things to do, gadgets to create, things that were now scattered across the floor of her apartment, broken into a thousand pieces, shattered like the person who had made them.
The bathroom lights were lit because at some point she had flipped the switch. At some point she couldn't remember.
Jinx brought her hands to her face, smearing her fingers with smudged mascara. She didn't remember crying, though apparently the tears were still flowing.
What time was it? How long had she been there? Why couldn't she just be normal?
The pressure in her chest made her lean her back harder against the edge of the bathtub, letting her head fall back. The light from the lamp hurt her eyes, so she had no choice but to close them.
Her outstretched legs kept moving at a nonexistent, uncoordinated rhythm.
To her right was the pill bottle, the one a person in a white coat had told her were emergency buttons. She had taken one; she had made a monumental effort not to take more. She didn't remember when.
Apparently, it had been long enough for one of her legs to stop dancing, long enough for her to touch her face and feel a strange sensation, as if she were touching something that wasn't hers.
Her right leg kept moving. Jinx hated every sway it made. That simple sway had started it all: the euphoria, the loss of control, the boundless energy, the feeling of being on top of the world.
Her tongue felt heavy in her mouth, if that even made sense. Her leg moved slower and slower, and the cold of the bathroom seeped deeper into her.
The anger was still there. The urge to break things, to destroy everything in her path, hadn't vanished. Thinking about it, her other leg started moving again. Jinx dug her nails into her thigh, desperate. The tears began to flow again, unrestrained.
She sat cross-legged, and instead of her legs, her feet began to move, as if fulfilling a punishment for a crime not yet committed.
Each knee received a sharp blow from her hand, but they still didn't stop. No matter how much she wanted them to, they wouldn't stop. Her feet wouldn't stop, and her knees hurt. She slammed her back against the bathtub, to feel the impact.
To her surprise, when she stretched her legs out again, they had stopped. Her whole body felt heavy, and she leaned back in the bathtub. The emergency button had worked; the aftertaste in her mouth confirmed it. Her mind slowed, her anger faded, and her eyes began to close. In the bathroom, all that could be heard was the sound of the lamp and the drops falling from the faucet she always said she would fix.
Jinx rested her hand on the cold floor, once again noticing its cool comfort. Her legs ached from days of constant movement, her body hurt from using energy she should never have had, and the tears kept falling because, even relaxed, the feeling that this wouldn't be the last time didn't go away. That it would happen again and again throughout her life. In other bathrooms and under other circumstances, but it would always find her, and it would happen again. She would break and be broken again.
Maybe it was time to cut it off at the root, to end the problem, the cycle. But the bathroom door opened, and someone else sat down beside her.
"Do you need to talk?"
Jinx just shook her head. The other person put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. The cold feeling of the bathroom was replaced by something warmer.
Jinx's eyes fluttered shut as this person took her hand.
"You're not alone, Pow. I'll be here for whatever you need."
The words came out shaky but firm. It wasn't the first time she had seen her like this—there had been even worse moments—but it was one of the first times since she had started the new medication, a medication that seemed to work. At least it softened things.
"I want it to stop, Vi. I'm so tired."
Jinx heard the woman take a deep breath and pull her closer.
"Little by little. You're doing great. You have to keep fighting, please."
Her sister's words formed a lump in Jinx's throat, and all she could do was repeat in her head that she couldn't take it anymore. Maybe Vi couldn't hear her, but seeing her sister's face was enough for her to kiss her on the head and hug her even tighter.
"You're strong. You've been strong your whole life, and you're being strong now. Please, don't give up. I'm begging you."
Jinx lifted her gaze as best she could. Everything felt so heavy, but in doing so, she met her sister's eyes, filled with affection and tears.
"I'm trying."
Vi gave her a sad smile while cupping her face with one hand, transferring her warmth to Jinx's cold cheeks. Jinx, for her part, let her face fall onto her sister's chest, exhausted.
The cold bathroom floor had stopped being comfortable, and as if reading her mind, Vi stood up, lifting her with her. Jinx struggled to stand, but she didn't feel like she would fall as long as her sister was there.
Vi wiped her face and guided her to her room, ignoring all the broken gadgets scattered around. The older of the two invited her to get into bed, and Jinx obeyed without a word. The bed was more comfortable than the bathroom floor. It wasn't made; Jinx never made it, but it was cozy.
Jinx had her eyes closed, focusing on how good her bed felt, when she felt a weight sit down beside her.
"Do you need me to get you anything?"
With great effort, Jinx opened her eyes to look at her sister and, pleading, said:
"Can you hold me for a while?"
Violet took off her shoes in record time and lay down in bed, wrapping Jinx in her arms.
Jinx decided that her sister's arms were more comfortable than the bed or the cold bathroom floor. Especially because she could hear Vi's heartbeat and focus on that.
And that's how they stayed for a while, until, in a whisper, Vi said:
"Thank you for still being here. Thank you for trying."
Jinx knew Vi was holding back tears, just as she knew she wasn't. But the comfort of her sister, the warmth she radiated, and the protection she always evoked drew a small smile on her face.
Though she wasn't able to respond, to make any promises out loud, Jinx held onto her tighter and slowly drifted off to sleep, her legs finally calm and her body feeling the warmth of her sister. Maybe tomorrow would be better, maybe everything would get worse, but in that moment, in that one moment, everything was okay.