Chapter Text
Blue eyes, blue eyes, how come you tell so many lies?
Come up and see me, make me smile
Or do what you want, run on wild
“Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)” by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel
Thursday 1 September 1977
They arrived at the Kings Cross Apparition Site at 10.38 a.m. It was uncharacteristically late for him, but he couldn’t imagine going through this morning any other way.
Regulus had apparated before a bunch of times, but he still felt dizzy and sick afterwards. Yes, Regulus, vomiting on yourself will be the best way to start the year, he thought viciously and swallowed hard.
“Alright, cousin?”
Regulus glanced from the wall he had been clinging to. Narcissa looked as bored as always.
“Yes, just give me a minute,” he said and took a couple of breaths in and out. He still felt slightly dizzy, but now he could stay properly. Regulus wasn’t good at saying goodbyes, but he knew he should say at least something. “Thanks for – ”
“If you’re okay now, we have to go,” Narcissa interrupted. “We can talk while we walk.” She started moving without waiting for his answer.
“Don’t you go back?” he asked, suppressing the surprise in his voice, and following her along the platform.
“I should say hello to Aunt Walburga.”
“Oh”, Regulus suddenly felt sick again. Maybe apparating wasn’t the most suitable mode of transportation for him.
Kings Cross was full of high-pitched voices and sweaty bodies. Kids in black robes were everywhere. Someone was rushing to the bright red train with their bags and pets, someone was still chatting with their families and friends with stupid smiles on their stupid faces. It was very loud here, but Regulus could hear only his own heavy heartbeat.
The owl arrived yesterday. The right side of his face felt hot while Regulus was reading the short note that morning.
A small part of Regulus hoped that this year she would change her tradition and stay at home. But he understood that with everything that had happened, she would want to act as normal as possible and show the entire wizarding world that nothing had changed in the Ancient and Noble House of Black.
“Didn’t you want to tell me something?” Narcissa pulled him out of his thoughts.
Regulus looked at her and saw the calm interest in her eyes.
“Yes,” he started hastily, didn’t quite understand what he wanted to say. It happened only with her. Regulus Black always knew what he was going to say. “I wanted to say thank you for – uh.”
“You’re welcome,” she interrupted him again. And Regulus was grateful for it. That was nice of his cousin. Narcissa never let him embarrass himself.
They were similar. Or maybe Regulus had copied her for so long that he didn’t realize where the similarities were and where it was just his good acting.
Regulus Black liked the witch by his side. Narcissa Malfoy – his skin still itched a bit every time he needed to remind himself of her new second name – she was perfect. A child that every mother would want. Perfect manners, perfect skills, perfect appearance, perfect marriage. She could be the perfect heir if she wasn’t the youngest and a woman. Narcissa always had been his favourite Black, only she wasn’t a Black anymore. Regulus lost her too.
Something shifted in the air. Regulus felt her before he saw her.
Walburga Black stood in the middle of the train station chaos like a marble statue. Beautiful and cold. It was crowded here, but no one even approached a foot near her. Maybe it was her heavy magic or just the constant expression of arrogant disgust on her face.
She stood with her back to him. Exactly the same view as Regulus saw her the last time almost a month ago. He couldn’t move.
Walburga Black never looked around. It was something that anxious simple people did. She just waited gracefully until you came to her yourself.
And, of course, she was alone. Regulus didn’t know why he expected to see Orion every year. Father never came here for them.
Them.
Regulus’ eyes began to scan the crowd frantically. His heart raced just at the thought of finding a particular black head. Regulus hoped that he had enough brains to get on the train as early as possible. He hoped Mother would never see him again.
A hand rested on his shoulder and Regulus exhaled abruptly.
“We should go,” Narcissa said. Her hand was still on him. It felt almost comforting. She said ‘we’ again, Regulus thought.
“Yes. I know.”
Regulus didn’t move.
And then the perfect porcelain mask slipped from her face for a moment and Narcissa looked at him with a small smile.
“You’ll write to me, okay?” she asked. Her voice was quiet and – Regulus wasn’t sure – warm.
“As always”. He felt that something tighten in his chest.
“Good.”
Narcissa removed her hand. Her face reverted to its usual expression of a noble pureblood witch and wife. She nodded slightly at him and started walking towards Mother. Regulus’ shoulder felt numb.
Regulus didn’t know what to expect from Mother after their last evening together. Before he was sure he could predict all her actions and reactions, but now all his confidence has flown away.
He spent the whole August thinking and overthinking about this particular interaction. But the different parts of his mind never came to a common scenario. Of course, he knew she wouldn’t throw a tantrum in front of people, but…
Then she saw him, her usual expression didn’t change. Regulus felt as if all his body was tense more in front of her. Walburga Black was shorter than her sons, but to Regulus, she would always be the tallest woman alive. It felt like you were lying on the ground in dirt, then she looked at you.
“Regulus,” she raised her long, slim hand to his face, and it cost him a lot not to flinch. She fixed his hair a little. “Your hair is too long. You need to short it,” she said and Regulus knew whom she saw in him.
“Yes, maman,” he answered, trying to breathe while she looked intensely at him. He hoped his mask worked well.
“Narcissa,” Walburga finally looked away and nodded to her niece.
“Aunt Walburga,” Narcissa nodded in response.
Narcissa’s presence helped Regulus breathe. Maybe after Mother will punish him for this treacherous cousin’s support, but now it didn’t matter.
It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t bad at all. Actually, it felt absolutely normal. As usual. As always. Will everything be like nothing change? Like it always was? But how could it be possible without –
Yes, it was crowded here, but Regulus felt keenly an empty space next to him.
“I’m glad your summer was productive,” Walburga brought him back to the platform.
A kaleidoscope of meaningless dinners and bad dreams flashed before Regulus’ eyes. He owled regularly to Mother through last month as he usually did, not daring to not do so. And she responded with short notes, as usual. Obviously, they didn’t talk about August 3rd. Or his brother. They never talked about anything like that. They never actually talked about anything, really.
“I’m glad for this too, maman,” Regulus said. “Narcissa was a great host”.
“That is a pleasure to hear,” Walburga replied flatly. “Kreacher has already brought your trunks on the train. You should go if you don’t want to be late”. She tilted her head slightly, ordered him to kiss her goodbye.
“Yes, maman,” his guts twisted, but Regulus leaned over anyway and kissed her cheek lightly. “Thank you for coming.”
“Have a good year, son, and please,” she took a little pointed pause, “will not disappoint me.”
“Of course, maman.” She waited for his answer and then turned around elegantly and took Narcissa’ arm. It seemed like now she was Walburga’s favourite Black too.
Regulus waited a bit watching them apparated away and then went to the train.
This year will be different, he heard his brother’s voice inside his head, I promise.
Regulus’s chest felt heavy, as if someone had left stones there. Those cruel promises never worth even a knut. His brother spewed big words to right and left and didn’t think about the weight of them, didn’t think how many of those words got stuck in Regulus’ chest and bent him down to the ground.
Regulus waited all August.
All August, he spent like a miserable child, watching each coming owl with bated breath. And what did he receive? Nothing. No, of course, there were some posts for him – his mother’s short notes, some nonsense from Barty, his school letters. But still, nothing from him.
What kind of idiot do you have to be to still trust Sirius Black? Kreacher was right. If someone tells you they’ll play hide-and-seek with you and then leaves you in a dark closet for two hours, you should stop playing with them. But Regulus was always stupid.
“Hey, Reggie.”
The voice sounded different, and Regulus realized that he was hearing it outside of his own mind. Maybe he would throw up on himself today anyway.
Regulus turned around slowly enough to calm himself down.
Sirius stood in the aisle of the train a couple of steps away from him and looked weird. His skin was pale even for a Black, dark circles under his eyes, his uniform was dishevelled, and it didn’t look like he did on purpose, standing in front of the mirror for a couple of hours like he always did. And even his hair was messy, which was a really bad sign. Was he sick or something?
“Hi,” he said again looking at Regulus. There was something in Sirius’ eyes that Regulus couldn’t figure out.
“Hello, Sirius,” Regulus responded, unable to move. His mind went blank, all his thoughts flew away.
They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity. The train was moving now.
“It’s nice to see you,” Sirius finally blurted out and fell silent again. His mouth twitched, as if he was trying to smile, but his own face didn’t obey to him.
“Nice to see you too”, each word fell from Regulus’ lips with difficulty. And when Sirius exhaled loudly and the next moment he was all over Regulus, his hug felt crashing.
Sirius smelled like wind, a wet dog and cheap tobacco. But most of all, he smelled like Regulus’ big brother. For only one moment, Regulus let himself take a little quiet inhale. Maybe this year really will be different? Maybe they could –
He promised. Sirius promised to send him letters. He promised and he didn’t.
Regulus stepped back.
“I should go,” he said with more much force than he intended and started walking.
“Reggie, wait!” Sirius grabbed his hand and immediately let it go when their eyes met. “Do you wanna ride with us – with me?” he said quickly. “Yeah, it’s a bit crowded in our compartment, but we can find a place. What do you say?”
“I need to go to the prefects’.”
“Oh, yes, of course,” Sirius said with a forced smile. “Maybe after?”
“I don’t – ”
“If you want, of course!” Sirius interrupted him hastily, gesturing actively. “No pressure!”
“I, I think I’ll just ride in mine like usual.”
“Yeah! Yeah, that’s fine. Cool,” Sirius mused his hair with a familiar movement. “See you after the ceremony, then?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Regulus couldn’t stand being here anymore. “Bye, Sirius.”
Regulus walked out into the next carriage without hearing Sirius’ answer.
All of this was too much. At first Mother and then this. Regulus went fast through carriages pushing along the way the students swarming in the aisles. One tried to say something indignant to him and stopped abruptly when he saw that was Regulus in front of him.
How could Sirius behave like nothing was wrong? Like they were always on speaking terms? Like he had said more than a couple of words to Regulus over the whole past year?
This year will be different, I promise, Regulus heard again.
Yes, there was August 3rd. And Sirius came to Regulus himself. And he said all that he said. Yes, but he was clearly not sane that evening. Maybe Sirius just regretted all of those words he had spoken to Regulus? Maybe, after that, he wanted to take it back, but his arrogance did not let him?
Or maybe he just forgot about his promise? This wasn’t the first time. Of course, he forgot – bloody Potter was always more important! Or maybe, even worse, maybe he did remember his promise, but he just didn’t care. Sirius told everything to Potter, and they had a good laugh together at silly, gullible Regulus.
And that’s why he invited Regulus to his compartment. Their compartment! To made Regulus feel uncomfortable around his stupid friends or even do some idiotic prank, like when Sirius told Regulus that he could sit at the Gryffindor table in his first year, and then laugh at Slughorn’s scolding him.
Bloody Griffindors. Bloody Sirius with his cruel promises.
Regulus stumbled into the prefects’ compartment, squeezing the strap of his schoolbag so hard that his knuckles turned white.
“You’re late, Black,” Nyirongo said with a deep displeasure on his face.
“How observant of you,” Regulus frowned walking deeper into the spacious compartment. “Not surprising Dumbledore made you the Head Boy. Such skills.”
There were only three prefects here: Paul Nyirongo – the Had Boy, a large Ravenclaw with perfect grades and perfectly annoying demeanour; Lily Evans – of course she was the Head Girl now – she behaved like one from the beginning of her studies at Hogwarts; and Remus Lupin – is he stuck to Evans? Regulus sat as far away as possible from this ridiculous trio.
“Oh, he’s in the mood,” the Had Boy snorted to Evans and turned around to Regulus again. “So let’s get straight to the point. You missed instructions – ”
“Walking through the train, preventing kids from jumping out of windows and blowing up toilets. Get it,” Regulus said, staring wearily at the scenery passing by outside the window.
“Glad you did,” Nyirongo muttered through his teeth. “Your shift starts at 4 p.m. You can go now.”
The last thing he wanted to do right now was listen to Barty’s and Evan’s stupid chatter for hours, so prefects’ compartment was just fine. At the moment he sat down on the seat, fatigue suddenly overwhelmed him. He had barely slept last night, thinking over and over about the morning and what led to it. Maybe he would even have a nap.
“Thank you very much for your kind permission, but I’ll stay here,” Regulus said dryly to the Head Boy, getting himself comfortable. Evans and Lupin exchanged a look. Ugh, for Salazar’s sake, what had Sirius told them?
“Okay,” Nyirongo sounded irritated. “If you’d like.”
Regulus nodded and returned to the countryside views.
“We’ll probably go,” Evans said. It was amazing that she opened her mouth just then. “I’ll take over for you in three hours,” pause. “Bye, Regulus!”
He didn’t respond, and eventually he heard the sound of the door opening and closing.
“You know,” Nyirongo’s voice came. “You could at least try to be nice.”
Regulus didn’t respond again. The Head Boy was annoying but not stupid, so there was no more attempt to talk.
---
It seemed like the Sorting Ceremony got longer and duller every bloody year. Dumbledore mumbled his usual speech abound bright young minds, bonds of friendship, ‘make yourself at home’ and all that naive crap for hours. Regulus was starving – he hadn’t eaten decent food since Mother’s owl arrived the previous morning, and the lousy first years didn’t end.
“Regulus?” he heard Barty’s voice break through his thoughts. “Regulus, are you listening to me?”
“What?” Regulus muttered irritably. He didn’t avoid his classmates all day so that they could pester him with their nonsense after.
“I asked,” Barty said, ignoring Regulus’ tone, “why you didn’t answer my letters?”
“I was in France at Narcissa’s.” Regulus stopped reading Barty’s letters right after he first mistook them for Sirius’.
“Okay,” Barty said with obvious disappointment in such an answer. “I was just worried about you. After, you know,” he looked around and lowered his voice, “what happened to Sirius.”
“What do you mean – to Sirius?” Regulus felt like he had been doused in cold water.
“Well,” Barty continued in a whisper. “After he escaped from home.”
“How did you know about that?” Regulus suddenly felt everyone was looking at him. “Who else knows?”
“Like, everyone, I guess,” Barty answered with an odd look. “You know better than anyone that purebloods love gossiping.”
Barty continued saying something, but Regulus didn’t listen to him. Everyone was definitely looking at him and whispering. Regulus couldn’t even look back properly without drawing even more attention to himself. So he tried to take his racing heart under control and then slowly glanced around as if he was just bored.
His gaze rested on Cereus Greengrass, giggling with her friends. No, she definitely wasn’t ugly, in fact, she was quite pretty, not in the aristocratic way, but in the way half of the Slytherins drooled over her. Of course, Regulus wasn’t in that half. All the charm of Greengrass evaporated if you spend more than a minute with her. She was a typical ‘true pureblood’ girl – pompous, sadistic and boring as hell. Did the girl know she had become a bone of contention for the Blacks? What were the chances that Regulus would be forced to marry her?
Their eyes met but, to his salvation, the meal arrived at the same time.
---
Regulus cast the heating charms before crawling under the covers. It was cold in the stupid Slytherin dungeons even in early autumn. What a prick thought it would be nice to put children in fucking dungeons? There was always cold, damp, and no sunlight. Ever! Was it a punishment for being a pureblood or a dickhead or both? Because, of course, there were only pureblood dickheads in the Slytherin, right? Or maybe Slytherins became dickheads because they had to live in a place that was more like a prison than a home for years?
It was definitely Godric fucking Gryffindor who put them in dungeons.
It was always some Gryffindor arshole.
Speaking of which –
Sirius never found him after the ceremony. By the time Regulus finished his dinner, Sirius’s usual place at the Gryffindor table was already empty. Regulus wasn’t surprised. One broken promise more, one less.
This year will be different, oh really, brother? he thought venomously, tossing and turning in his bed.
Regulus was angry with Sirius, with narrow-minded gossip lovers (a couple of Slytherins had already managed to congratulate Regulus on his future place in the Wizengamot; Regulus wanted to strangle them), but by nightfall, most of all, he was angry with himself.
He should have known better. Regulus should have sent Sirius away back then on August 3rd, telling him he was a fool for thinking Regulus would ever trust him again. And who was a fool now? Not just once, Sirius made Regulus a fool again and again, and Regulus let him. Pathetic, helpless, worthless.
Regulus even ran away to Narcissa’s with his tail between his legs as if he was guilty of something. But he was, wasn’t he? In Mother’s opinion, certainly. Although Regulus couldn’t do otherwise. If he didn’t, Mother would –
No, of course, she wouldn’t. Even she wouldn’t have gone that far. And if Sirius behaved himself, none of this would happen at all. If only Sirius ever listened…
Regulus pulled out from behind heavy curtains and cast Lumos. Almost 2 a.m. Great!
He was angry, and itchy, and tense. His mind worked at full speed and wasn’t going to stop. But Regulus needed to sleep. Classes will start tomorrow, and he needed to be ready. He couldn’t mess up. He thought about the Dreamless Sleep Potion, but he always felt sluggish the next morning and already promised himself to quit.
There was always another option. He squeezed his wand harder.
After, then his attention was distracted, Regulus finally fell asleep. And his dreams weren’t kind.
The house was dark and quiet, even more so than usual. Or maybe it only seemed that way to Regulus. He walked down the stairs with wooden legs and played over and over in his mind what he was going to say. Regulus tried not to pay attention to portraits’ whispers.
He found Mother in the Small Drawing Room. She was standing by the window, her slim silhouette looking grim in the dim light of morning. Mother didn’t turn around when Regulus entered, but he knew she heard him.
He paused to gather himself.
“I accepted Narcissa’s invitation,” he started without much introduction. Clear, confident, straight to the point. “I’m leaving now and will be gone until the end of the summer. Is it permissible?”
She didn’t move, didn’t answer. Regulus waited, watching Mother closely. Should he repeat his question? But when Walburga waved her hand, just a little sharp gesture, the same one she used to dismiss Kreacher. Regulus’ right cheek twitched involuntarily in pain. Was the pain still real, or was he imagining it?
Regulus waited again, but nothing happened. And as one of his legs was already out the door, Regulus heard Mother’s hollow voice.
“Did he leave?”
Regulus hesitated for a moment.
“Yes,” he answered quietly. Silence again.
He picked up his suitcase and went to his father’s office.
“Malfoy Manor,” Regulus said, and disappeared in a flash of green fire.