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When the war ends Izuku feels like he's constantly floating. He's never really present and it seems like he's just there to see it through. It's so repetitive; wake up, train, go to class, remember to smile, over and over again and- and nothing feels real anymore; instead, he’s just, drifting.
He tries, god does he try, but it's hard and he can't really bring himself to care. He ignores the looks the others think he doesn't see, he ignores their concerns - he's fine! (he’s not but what else can he say? No one wants to see the ugliness in his mind right now - no one should see it, so yes, he’s fine). The inner turmoil slowly eating him alive but he can't break, he can't let them see, he shouldn't- Kacchan would be so disappointed…
"Stop trying to win this on your own"
What’s left to win?
He's just trying to get to the finish line and it's so close nothing can be harder than what he already went through so it doesn't even need his full attention. There’s no point.
He’s an empty shell, hollow inside and only picked up just to be prodded before being tossed right back where he was and he's just tired now.
The night terrors don’t even upset him anymore.
Instead, he wakes up with an exhausted sigh, lets the tears slip silently down his face, turns over and pretends it's fine. Fake it till you make it they say.
No amount of sleeping pills can help him lessen the ache in his bones or silence the thoughts in his mind.
He grieves.
He grieves a lot.
About the fallen heroes, the innocent lives, the injuries, Tenko, Kacchan and
most importantly he mourns the loss of Izuku Midoriya, Hero Name Deku because he doesn't feel present- is it really him?
He mourns for his mother but he doesn't want to apologise. He can't bring himself to say sorry because… he's not and to be honest, he would fight All For One again if he had to. He’d go through this hell a million times if he had to. So, no, he’s truly not sorry.
But he mourns Izuku Midoriya for his mother because he's not coming back either.
At least not in the way anyone knew him.
The cost of the war he can bear on his shoulders. He needn’t burden anyone else with it. They’ve done enough and he can’t let them do more. Izuku can handle it.
(Izuku Midoriya is a liar)
He'll reach the end with a smile plastered on his face no matter how fake because now, he’s the symbol of hope and now people need him. He won't let himself be the reason for their despair. He'll help out when people need saving.
Because that’s his job.
A hero’s job.
He's falling but he won't let himself crash. He'll keep himself adrift just a tiny bit so that everything is fine and no one has to know if he forgoes eating to train an extra hour, or if he pushes his limits, or if his mind is spiralling worse than it ever has. That’s his business. He can handle it.
He knows Kacchan would be disappointed, he knows he knows he knows he knows but- but he can't bring himself to care. It's too exhausting.
He knows he has a safety net to fall back on.
He won't use it.
So maybe he should’ve expected the punch.
He doesn't.
He falls to the floor with a thud, his hand hovering over his cheek gingerly. It doesn’t hurt - nothing really does anymore. He’s numb all over and he can see Kacchan’s mouth moving. He's shouting at Izuku. He should listen but, it sounds like jargon and he's underwater drowning. Kacchan’s voice is warbled and distant and maybe if he was listening he would’ve picked up on it sooner. But recently, everything feels the same and he’s not sure he wants to fight back anymore. He can live with overworking himself if it lets him feel again.
When he lets himself face Kacchan again the expression on his face makes Izuku pause.
Because it’s more pained than anything he's seen before and it- it’s because of Izuku.
Izuku should never be the reason for hurting Kacchan.
It sobers him up and suddenly he feels alert. His eyes widen and a quiet gasp leaves his lips.
Kacchan's just staring at him, his red eyes bright and flickering over Izuku. His expression is, wrong.
They’ve had this conversation before so, he should know and maybe he should apologise but, even back then it was Katsuki who pulled him out.
It will always be Kacchan who pulls him back because Katsuki grounds him.
Out of everyone, Katsuki is the one who'll understand best but, he feels shame flash through him for thinking otherwise.
He's not alone.
He could say he didn't mean to worry anyone - because he truly didn't - but, it happened anyway.
"I'll do better"
But Katsuki shakes his head, he doesn't need Izuku to do better, he just needs Izuku to come back- his Izuku.
Katsuki needs to know how he can help without being overbearing. He wants to know how much he's allowed, how far he can go.
But Izuku has never had any qualms letting Katsuki in all the way so he says:
"Kacchan, I… I can’t do this by myself,"
And suddenly the weight crumbles and he realises he was wrong wrong wrong.
He doesn’t have to do this on his own, he never has.
(Maybe, he can start being honest. He can start with himself).