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There were many different types of Ronan Lynch, Adam had noticed. There was the Ronan Lynch who was nothing but sharp edges and cruel sneers, who acted as if he didn’t care about anything or anyone, wearing his anger and pain like an armor. Then there was the Ronan Lynch who was soft, the one who did a secret handshake with his little brother, the one who stroked Chainsaw’s feathers gently, the one who would do anything for Gansey, the one who, perhaps, possibly, maybe, had a crush on Adam Parrish. The Ronan Lynch beside him, though, speeding through the streets of Henrietta in his BMW, was neither of those and both of those at the same time.
This Ronan Lynch was reckless and free and laughing and not quite happy, maybe, but close to it. His cruelty was still there in small jabs and insensitive remarks, but they weren’t complete, much like his disinterest. And, his softness was there too, as much as he tried to hide it.
Adam had grown used to, had even started to look forward to, these drives with Ronan. He’d come barging into Adam’s apartment at St. Agnes at night, not so late that it interrupted Adam’s sleep but late enough that the sky was dark as could be and the stars were bright. Sometimes he’d come up with an excuse, something they needed to do, other times he’d just say, “Come on, Parrish. We’re going for a drive.” Adam would pretend to be annoyed, but he’d go along without much of a fight.
The truth was, these drives were starting to become the highlight of Adam’s otherwise generally shitty week.
It was 8 pm on a Friday and Adam actually had some downtime for once, since work had ended early and he didn’t have anything major due until next Thursday. He thought he would head over to Monmouth, see what Gansey and Ronan were up to, and he had something to discuss with Gansey anyways, an idea that had popped into his mind the night before about the ley line. But as soon as he had made the decision to go, there was a loud knock on the door.
“Open up, asshole.” Adam sighed. Of course.
When Ronan entered, Adam said, his voice tired and his Henrietta accent thick, “What’re you doin’ here, Lynch? I was just about to go to Monmouth.”
Ronan’s face did something complicated before his usual mask was back in place. “Well, now you’re going for a drive instead.”
Adam rolled his eyes. Usually he wouldn’t say no, but he really did need to talk to Gansey. “Not tonight, Lynch. Gansey’s at home, right? I need to talk to him about—“
“Did you call him,” Ronan asked abruptly.
“I- what?”
“Did you call him, let him know you were coming over. Does he know?”
“No, I didn’t,” Adam said slowly, confused about why it mattered. “But he said he wasn’t doing anything tonight earlier in the day. What the hell does it matter, Lynch?”
Ronan shuffled awkwardly, then sighed. “Come on, then, I’ll drive you.”
“Didn’t you just come from there?”
Ronan didn’t answer him, instead stepping out the door in one swift motion, shouting behind his shoulder, “Hurry up, Parrish!”
It took a few minutes of sitting in silence in the BMW for Adam to realize they weren’t going in the direction of Monmouth. “What are you doing? This isn’t the way to Monmouth.”
Ronan’s smile was sharp, but he kept his eyes on the road. “Took you long enough to figure it out.”
Adam’s voice was angry. “What the hell, Lynch? I’m not in the mood for your games today. Just drive me to—“
“Parrish,” Ronan interrupted, and something in his voice made him listen. His tone was hesitant, careful. Like his was tiptoeing around something. “I really don’t think you want to be at Monmouth right now, okay?”
At first, Adam didn’t say anything, mulling over Ronan’s words, confused. Then it dawned on him. He stayed silent for a few more moments, then cleared his throat. His voice was soft, light. “Is it because Blue is there?”
Adam saw Ronan’s hands tighten on the steering wheel. “You know, then.”
“Of course I fucking know. They’re not being very subtle about it.”
Ronan’s mouth quirked up. “No, they’re not.”
Neither of them spoke for a while. Then, Ronan said, quietly, almost as if he didn’t want Adam to hear him, “Are you…” He trailed off, his knuckles gripping the steering wheel even tighter.
Adam raised his eyebrows. “Am I what?”
“Are you… okay?” Then, apparently deciding that sounded too nice, “I mean, you’re not going to start crying, are you, Parrish? I don’t want tear stains in my car.”
Adam rolled his eyes. “Relax, Lynch, I won’t cry in your precious car.”
“Good.”
When Adam didn’t say anything further, Ronan continued, “Seriously, though. You’re not like, upset? Aren’t you in love with Sargent or something?” There was an edge of bitterness to Ronan’s voice, though he tried to hide it. Adam recognized it as jealousy.
Adam considered replying sarcastically, but stopped himself. Instead, he said, his voice quiet, thoughtful, “No. I’m not in love with her. I don’t… I don’t really think I ever was. At one point I thought… but it wasn’t. It wasn’t real, I guess.”
Ronan was very pointedly not looking at Adam, but Adam saw his clenched hands relax a little. “Oh.” After a pause, “So you’re okay with it?”
Adam shrugged. “I guess. I mean, they don’t need to hide it. I want them both to be happy.”
“Yeah.”
Adam hesitated. “But… I would be lying if I said it didn’t sting, a little,” he admitted. “Okay, more than a little. But it… it has nothing to do with Blue, really, or any feelings for her. It’s just…”
Ronan actually looked at him, for once, his face curious, almost hopeful, for a second, before he put his mask on once again. “What?”
“It’s just…” Adam let out a small, self-deprecating laugh. “It’s like, of course she didn’t want me, you know? Of course it wasn’t me. Of course she chose Gansey. I know it’s shitty and selfish, and I want him to be happy, I do, but the fact that it’s him, of all people, stings more than anything.” Adam stopped himself there, before he could go on and make himself look even worse. Of course he wasn’t worthy, and Gansey was. How could he be worthy of being wanted by Blue Sargent? He was nothing, he was a broken, damaged, frightening thing. Gansey was everything Adam Parrish wasn’t and everything he wanted to be. Gansey was whole in a way Adam never could be.
Ronan was shaking his head, beside him, then muttered, “I don’t get you, Parrish.”
Adam let out another laugh, this one more bitter. “Of course you don’t. You wouldn’t know.”
Ronan’s voice was scathing. “What exactly wouldn’t I know?”
He sighed. He didn’t want to fight. His voice was small when he said, “I should be used it, you know. I am used to it. It doesn’t come as a surprise. But it still sucks. Being unwanted.”
Ronan turned sharply, to him, then, and the car swerved, just a little. Luckily the endless road leading out of Henrietta was empty, but Adam still shouted, “Jesus, Ronan, keep your eyes on the road.”
Ronan turned back, and his expression was angry, his voice strained, when he said, “You’re not unwanted.”
It was Adam’s turn to look at him sharply. “What?”
He saw Ronan wince, and though he couldn’t be sure in the dark, he thought Ronan’s ears were slightly pink. “I mean – you’re not – you –“ Adam stared. Was Ronan Lynch flustered? Ronan hit one of his hands on the wheel in frustration, then continued, his voice making an attempt at casual and cruel but failing, “I’m sure there’s another annoying 5 foot tall midget girl that likes you or will like you eventually, somewhere out there, Parrish, relax. Don’t be self pitying.”
Adam didn’t buy Ronan’s words, and his mind went back to you’re not unwanted. No, he supposed he wasn’t. Because for some reason, Ronan wanted him. It made him feel worthy, and he felt bad again, because it wasn’t fair to Ronan to use his crush to make himself feel better. And that’s all it was, right? It was pride, vanity, from his side. Nothing more. That had to be all it was. Unless, it wasn’t. Adam swallowed, and said very slowly, “I don’t know, Lynch. I’m starting to think 5 foot tall midget girl isn’t really my type after all.”
The car sped up noticeably. “No? What is your type, then?”
Adam answered honestly, his heart beating loudly in his chest. “I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out.”
Ronan didn’t say anything. When he spoke again, the car had been quiet for so long that it startled Adam, even though his voice was soft. “I don’t know why you thought I wouldn’t know.”
“Know what?”
Ronan was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel nervously. He gritted his teeth. “Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.”
Adam realized what he meant, though. Being unwanted. Something tugged at Adam’s chest. Ronan thought he was unwanted. By Adam. That’s what he meant, right? Adam felt the urge to reassure him, but he didn’t know what he was going to say. More than that, he didn’t know whether Ronan was right or not. Did he want Ronan? Sometimes he thought he did. More than sometimes. Most of the time, if he was being honest with himself. But the mere thought of it scared him, so he pushed it down.
“Why d’you care anyways? About me and Blue, I mean.” Adam knew why he cared, but he wanted to hear Ronan say it.
Of course, he should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Ronan’s voice was hard. “I don’t.”
Before he could lose his courage, Adam said, drily, “I thought you didn’t lie.” He was looking out the window when he said it, afraid of what his face might betray, so he didn’t see Ronan’s reaction.
It was silent for a few unbearable moments, and then Ronan muttered, “It’s too fucking quiet in here,” and turned on his horrible loud Irish music, and that was that. They didn’t talk much, for the rest of the drive, but Adam could see Ronan stealing looks at him from time to time, as he always did. Adam stole a few looks of his own. By the time they reached back at St. Agnes, Adam was ready to pass out.
“Well, thanks for wasting over an hour of my time, Lynch, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Before Ronan could answer, Adam got out and slammed the door. He didn’t know why he was angry. He just knew that his heart was beating too loudly and his throat felt dry and that there was something very, very confusing about Ronan Lynch.
*
“Can I ask you a question and you answer seriously for once?”
“I’m always serious, Parrish.”
The endless road was stretched out in front of them, and the night felt like one for talking. It was easy to forget the rest of the world existed when they drove like this. They were on their way back from the Barns, after another fruitless attempt at waking sleeping cows.
Adam rolled his eyes. “Right. We’re off to a promising start already.”
“Alright, alright, I’ll be serious, loser.”
Adam paused. He didn’t know what made him ask it, but he had a sudden, almost painful need to know. To understand the miraculous creature that was Ronan Lynch. “Why do you believe in God?”
That was clearly not what Ronan had expected, and he give Adam a mocking look. “What, are you going ask me what the meaning of life is, next? Should we start braiding each other’s hair, make a campfire and sing—“
“Fine,” Adam snapped. “Forget it. Whatever.” He huffed and looked out the window.
Ronan was silent for ten, twenty, thirty seconds. Then, “Why the sudden curiosity?”
Adam shrugged. He tried to articulate it as best he could. “I don’t know, I guess… I mean, I’ve always been kind of curious about it. It doesn’t exactly fit your whole image, but… you clearly care about it a lot. And then, when I saw you at the church that day…” he paused, remembering how Ronan had seemed to belong so wholly in St. Agnes, how he had seemed like a god himself, and then, he remembered Ronan convulsing, dying in front of him, and suddenly he couldn’t talk. His hands were clenched into fists. He pushed the memory away for now and tried to keep his voice level. “You just seemed to belong there.”
After a few minutes of silence, Ronan finally spoke. “It’s a lot of things. My reasons for believing, I mean. I guess part of it is growing up with it. And then I saw things that…. Well. It’s started as less about believing and God and more about… if there’s a Devil, there has to be a God too, right?”
Adam didn’t say anything. He wasn’t too sure about that. And in any case, if both did exist, it seemed clear to Adam that the Devil was winning out.
“It was easier, when… when I was younger,” Ronan admitted. “To keep my faith.” Adam knew what he actually meant was, it was easier when Dad was alive. It was easier to believe there was a God before everything turned to shit.
Adam nodded. “Yeah, I can see how it would be.”
“Your turn, Parrish.”
Adam shrugged, looking down at his hands. “I don’t know. He might exist. I wouldn’t rule it out. It hardly matters, though.” When Ronan didn’t say anything, he continued. “I mean. If he exists, he’s not very helpful. Not to me, anyways.” Adam tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but failed. If there was a God, he probably hated Adam Parrish. Adam didn’t entirely blame him.
Ronan’s voice was quiet. “Sometimes I think He ignores me.” There was pain there, buried underneath.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Adam said lightly. “I would think you’d be his favorite.” Ronan seemed a god himself, most of the time. Though if God wanted to be the supreme, maybe he felt that Ronan was competition.
Ronan stared at him in disbelief. “Me? Are you fucking joking?”
Adam hesitated. “Honestly? I don’t know.” Ronan Lynch was both wondrous and terrible, a miracle and a curse. He was someone God would either love, placing him in the highest level of heaven, or hate, damning him eternally to hell.
Ronan snorted. “I do. I can promise you I’m not His fucking favorite.”
“Okay. Maybe you can join me in hell then,” Adam muttered. He meant to say it lightly, but something stuck in his throat, and it came out wrong. He still didn’t believe, but in a universe where God and the Devil existed, where heaven and hell existed, Adam knew exactly where he fell.
Ronan looked at him, then, staring like he had two heads. “Parrish,” Ronan said, his voice very serious, “If you’re going to hell, there sure as fuck isn’t any hope for the rest of us.”
Adam met his eyes, and his gaze was so earnest and true that Adam felt his cheeks heat up. They both looked away, after a moment, and Adam was sure Ronan’s face was flushed as well. Adam’s voice was scratchy. “I, um…” He didn’t know what to say, though.
“I saw you at the church today,” he said instead. “During Mass.” It was a Sunday, and so of course Ronan had been there with Matthew and Declan. Just like he always was.
Ronan raised his eyebrow, but kept his eyes on the road. “What were you doing there?”
“I was…,” Adam trailed off, flustered. He shouldn’t have brought it up. Truth be told, Adam was there because he wanted to observe Ronan. He didn’t know what possessed him to do it. But there he was, in the back of the church, only for a few minutes, but the few minutes were enough to make his heart beat faster. Ronan, his head bent in prayer. Ronan, smiling openly at Matthew, affectionately ruffling his little brother’s hair. Ronan, a wonderous and strange creature. Adam wondered if he would ever truly know all the different sides of Ronan Lynch.
Ronan was still waiting for him to answer, so he replied truthfully, “I was looking for you.”
“Why?”
Adam made a noncommittal noise and shrugged.
Ronan give him a curious look that Adam ignored. “I partially go for Matthew. I mean, not that I necessarily wouldn’t, otherwise, but… the only reason I fucking tolerate Declan and his bullshit is for Matthew.”
“You’re really good with him. With Matthew.”
Ronan shrugged. “I guess.”
“You are. And he clearly adores you.” Adam tried not to let his voice sound endeared, but it was difficult.
“He kind of has to,” Ronan said, with an edge. “Being my dream and all.”
“Ronan,” Adam said softly. He was going to say, That’s not why, but he stopped himself just in time. Because the truth was, he didn’t know. He didn’t know exactly how dream creations worked and there was a huge chance that Matthew did love Ronan because he was created from his mind, and would always believe Ronan and do what Ronan told him to. He did know one thing, though. “If you hadn’t dreamed him, he would still love you. I know he would.”
“And how the fuck would you know that, Parrish?”
Because how could anyone not love you?
Oh. Adam pushed that thought down, and said instead, “Because I see how you are with him. You would do anything for him. He would love you regardless of being your dream or not because you’re you.”
Ronan’s voice was quiet. “Don’t think being me is a really a good enough reason.”
“It is,” Adam said without hesitation, and Ronan stilled. Adam flushed and turned his head to stare out the window.
Neither of them spoke for the rest of the drive. The silence was heavy and filled with tension.
When Adam finally crawled into his bed after Ronan dropped him off, his body was tired but his mind was wide awake. When sleep overtook him, Adam dreamt of a sharp edged boy standing in the middle of an old church, holy light descending on him from above.
*
“We’re not taking your piece of shit car, Parrish.”
“Why not?”
“Because, your piece of shit car is a piece of shit.”
“Well, clearly, your BMW is a piece of shit too, the way it broke down earlier today. I thought dream cars weren’t supposed to fall apart like that. Either way, I’m not taking the chance again.”
Ronan finally relented. “Fuck you.” But he got into the passenger seat of the Hondayota. “I’m paying you for the gas, though.” Adam opened his mouth to protest but Ronan cut him off. “I’m the one who came here telling you to come with me for a drive, so it’s on me, no questions.” Adam rolled his eyes and relented.
As soon as they pulled out of St. Agnes, Ronan started the complaining. “I’m going to get a backache from this shitty ass seat, Parrish. And why is it so fucking warm in here, Jesus!” Adam just ignored him and kept on driving. He didn’t really know where they were going, but most of the time Ronan didn’t either. They just drove, and it was enough.
When Adam didn’t answer, Ronan let out an exasperated sigh and pressed a button the stereo and—
“Squash one, squash two—“
“NO,” Adam breathed and turned it off as fast as he could. He didn’t look at Ronan. Eyes on the road, Adam.
Ronan didn’t laugh or make a joke or move to turn it on as Adam had thought he would. Instead, he was abnormally quiet, until he said, his voice strange, “You didn’t take it out.” Adam didn’t say anything. “You listen to it?” The way he said it, it seemed to fall somewhere between a statement and a question.
Adam snorted. “I forgot it was there, Lynch. I would never willingly listen to the Murder Squash Song.”
Ronan stayed quiet.
Adam sighed. “I skip over the song the five times you put it in there, but the rest… it’s nice.”
Ronan’s voice was hesitant. “Yeah?”
He nodded. “It’s definitely not what I expected. Not your usual awful deafening wailing.”
Adam saw Ronan grin from his peripheral vision. “What can I say, Parrish, I’m full of surprises.”
That you are, Adam agreed silently. He was finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes on the road instead of on the boy next to him.
Ronan cleared his throat. “I, uh, if you, if you want, I could make you another one.”
Adam’s stomach fluttered. “I- yeah. Yeah sure, I’d like—“ He winced noticeably at how strong his Henrietta accent came out, as it always did when he was nervous, cleared his throat, and tried again, clipping his vowels, “I’d like that, sure.”
Ronan didn’t say anything, but he was looking at him strangely. “What?” Adam couldn’t help the defensiveness that creeped into his tone. Was Ronan being sarcastic when he offered to make another one or—
“You don’t have to do that, you know.” Ronan’s words were rushed, sharp, blown out in one breath.
“What?”
“That. That thing you always do. With your accent. You don’t have to hide it.”
Adam was annoyed and tried to keep that annoyance from turning into anger. “Yes, I do. You don’t get it, Lynch.”
“Fucking explain it to me then.”
Adam let out a frustrated groan. “You don’t get it and you’re not going to get it. The way people look at me when they hear me talk in my Henrietta accent, if they haven’t already made up their mind as soon as they saw me. When I talk, they just hear dirt. And you won’t ever fucking understand what that’s like.” During this exasperated rant, he had let out his accent again, and that irritated him even more.
Ronan was quiet. When Adam snuck a glance, he saw that his head was down, hands clenched, expression conflicted in some inner struggle. Finally, he let out a breath. “Not everyone hears dirt.” Ronan’s voice was barely a whisper; even if Adam hadn’t been deaf in one ear, he almost wouldn’t have heard it.
“No? What do they hear then?”
“Jesus, I don’t know, Parrish, what’s the opposite of dirt? Probably fucking flowers or something.”
Adam’s mouth quirked up in amusement. “Lynch, did you really just compare my voice to flowers? I’m flattered that you have a thing for my accent and all, but really?”
Ronan made a choking sound and sputtered, “That’s not – that’s not what – fuck you, Parrish, I don’t have a thing for your accent, I was just trying to boost your nonexistent self esteem.”
Adam couldn’t stop grinning. “How sweet. Are you going to compare my eyes to diamonds next? Or say how my smile is like the moon? Is my hair like bronze in the—“
“Fuck you, I’m never being nice to you again. And your smile isn’t like the moon. It’s like the sun, obviously.” That second part was supposed to come out sarcastic and mocking, Adam guessed, but it fell just short of it. Adam’s heart leapt.
He tried to keep his voice dry. “I’ll make sure to smile less then. Wouldn’t want to blind you.”
He felt Ronan looking at him. “I don’t think it’s possible for you to smile any less than you already do, Parrish.”
“Yeah, well. Don’t have much to smile about.”
“Well, you should try to fix that.”
Before he could stop himself, Adam blurt out, “You could always help. I smile more around you anyways.” His cheeks were burning and he very pointedly did not look at Ronan. Eyes forward, Adam.
Ronan didn’t say anything. Adam was scared he had fucked up. Was he openly flirting with Ronan? He wasn’t really sure what this counted as. He wasn’t sure if Ronan could tell, if he thought he was serious or if he was just playing along. All he knew was that he wanted to keep doing it.
Adam didn’t know how long Ronan had been silent for, but he was startled when Ronan said, his voice scratchy, “Well, that’s— that’s good. I’ll look up some knock knock jokes for you next time.” His tone was very uncasual in the way it was trying so desperately to be casual.
Adam snorted. “Knock-knock jokes. You can do better than that, Lynch.”
“Hey, don’t insult the knock-knock jokes, Parrish. Fine, how about, cheesy pick up lines?”
Adam shrugged, trying to contain the fast beating of his heart. “Sure. I don’t mind those. Try them. Maybe they’ll actually work and you can take me to dinner.” Yup, definitely flirting. This was dangerous territory.
Ronan’s voice was shaky. “Adam—“ he paused, and Adam could see him struggling again. Finally, he shook his head and muttered, “We should probably get back.”
Adam frowned. “Already?” It was rare of Ronan to be the first one to want to go home.
“Yeah, Parrish, already. I’m tired and sick of your damn face.”
Adam bristled at Ronan’s sudden change in tone. “What’s your problem, Lynch?”
Ronan glared at him. “I don’t have a fucking problem. I just want to go the fuck home and get out of this shitty car with its shitty ass driver.”
Adam grit his teeth. Every time he thought they were getting somewhere, Ronan pulled something like this. He was tired of it. His voice was cold. “Fine. I’m turning around. But if you’re going to be such a goddamn shithead for no reason, don’t come knocking at my door the next time you’re bored.”
“Whatever, Parrish.”
They didn’t speak for the rest of the ride and when they reached St. Agnes, Ronan got out of the Hondayota without a word and sped off in his BMW towards Monmouth.
*
Adam very deliberately ignored Ronan as he leaned against the entrance of the garage. His hands were greasy and his eyes were tired. He really didn’t feel like dealing with Ronan’s bullshit tonight. Not after the night before.
“Hurry the fuck up, loser, I’m growing a beard here.”
Adam ignored him.
Ronan let out a huff. “Come on, my car’s waiting outside. Don’t ride your shitty bike back to your place. It’s fucking raining.”
Adam ignored him.
Adam couldn’t afford to waste any gas this week, so he’d taken his bike instead of his car despite the weather. But he’d still bike home if it meant he didn’t have to speak to Ronan.
“Jesus, Parrish, would you stop being so fucking stubborn and—“
“I told you not to bother me the next time you’re bored and need entertainment, Lynch. Go back to Monmouth or wherever the hell you just came from. My bike is fine.” Adam wasn’t going to relent until Ronan apologized for once. But he knew there was zero chance of that happening.
Ronan walked up to where Adam was working on Toyota. He took a deep breath. Adam looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. “Look, I’m—“ Adam saw him clench his hands into fists. His expression was pained. “Look, would you just—“ Another deep breath. Adam continued to stare. “Jesus, Parrish can you just – I’m really – Shit –“
And Adam couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. It was loud, wild laughter that startled both of them, and Adam had to clutch his stomach, but the laughter wouldn’t stop.
“What – What the fuck, Parrish?”
“Is it really,” Adam wheezed, still laughing, “that difficult for you to just apologize, Lynch?”
“Fuck you, Parrish.”
Adam finally stopped laughing and turned away, frustrated. “Just go back to your car, Ronan.”
Ronan let out a groan. “God, you’re such a fucking—“ One more deep breath. “Fine, I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry. I was a dick.”
“So what else is new,” Adam asked wryly, turning back to the other boy.
“Would you just get in the car now?”
Adam let out a smile despite his best efforts. “Whatever. Go back to your car. I’ll be out in five minutes.”
Ronan looked relieved. “You’re a shithead,” he said simply, and walked out to the BMW.
Once they put Adam’s bike in the trunk and pulled out of the garage, Adam asked, “You’re dropping me home?”
Ronan rolled his eyes. “Obviously.”
Adam hesitated. “Don’t.”
Ronan turned to him, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What?”
“Don’t… don’t take me home. Let’s go somewhere.”
“And where do you suggest we go?”
Adam shrugged. “Wherever.”
“Okay. Alright. Yeah.”
They drove in silence for a while. The early November night was black and silver around them, and the farther they drove, the more stars were visible in the sky. It had stopped raining after some time and when Adam opened the window, the wind was pleasant on his face, the temperature outside neither too hot nor too cold.
They drove for about twenty minutes before Ronan parked outside a large field that seemed to go on forever, enclosed on one side by trees.
“What is this?”
Ronan shrugged. “Don’t know. But it’s nice outside. Come on.”
They walked to somewhere in the middle of the field, the grass only slightly damp from the drizzle. Ronan lied down and Adam stared at him. “The grass is wet.”
Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Who gives a fuck?”
“So you want to just lie in the middle of a field.”
Ronan sighed. “Just lay down here, would you, Parrish? And look at the fucking sky.”
Adam did. Setting himself down on Ronan’s right, he was probably closer to Ronan than he had to be. Their shoulders and arms and knees were touching and Adam pretended that it wasn’t on purpose. Once he was comfortable, he did as Ronan said and stared at the sky. He let out an awed breath. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
Adam had lived in Henrietta all his life, yet he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen this many stars in the sky. Maybe he had, when he was younger. It had certainly been a while, though. They were so far away. Just like everything Adam wanted for himself. He could see it, see it all so clearly. And yet, it was just out of his reach.
If you never saw the stars, candles were enough.
Candles would never be enough for Adam.
He didn’t know what it was about Ronan Lynch that made him open up, but it seemed as if words were just pulled out of him, sometimes, merely by the other boy’s presence. “When I was little, like, really young, I thought that I could touch the stars. Like, actually touch them. That someone would just need to lift me up a little and I could reach them, eventually.”
Ronan snorted. “Well, you can, Parrish. You just have to believe.” His tone was mocking.
“How inspirational,” Adam replied drily.
“That’s me. Always motivating you to be your best.”
“Yeah, well. I had to learn the hard way that it wasn’t true. They’ll always be out of reach for me.”
There must’ve been something in his voice, because Ronan turned his head to look at him, and asked softly, “Just for you? Pretty sure there’s no one else tall enough in the world to reach them, either.”
Adam sighed. “No, I mean – well, it’s everything for me, isn’t it? Everything I want. I’m just. I feel like I’m five years old again, just playing pretend. I can work as hard as I fucking want and stretch as far as I can but I’ll never reach the goddamn sky. I’ll never be like – like Gansey, or you, or…” He took a deep breath. “I’ll never really escape.”
“Adam,” Ronan said, and his voice was so gentle that Adam turned his head to look at him. Their lips were only inches apart. Adam felt Ronan’s breath on his face when he talked. “If anyone on this goddamn planet can reach the stars, it’s you, alright? Fuck being like Gansey, or being like me. You’re, fuck, you’re the smartest fucking person I know. You’re going to get everything you want. So stop being so self deprecating, asshole.”
Adam stared at the other boy in awe, and he had never wanted to kiss him more. “Do you really believe that?”
“Of course I fucking believe it, Parrish. You’re, jesus, you’re like…” Ronan trailed off.
Adam whispered, anticipation growing in his chest, “I’m what?”
Ronan swallowed and looked Adam straight in the eyes. Then at his lips. Then at his eyes again. Then Ronan turned away, looking up at the sky again.
Adam fought back a frustrated groan.
Ronan cleared his throat. “You’re a fucking dickhead, that’s what.”
Adam let out an irritated noise. “Why do you always do that?”
“Do what?”
He sighed. “Nevermind. Whatever.”
They were quiet for a while. Adam listened to the sound of Ronan’s steady breathing. Adam wanted to say something, to make Ronan confess everything, to shift his hand to the right and lace their fingers together, to bring their mouths together and kiss until neither of them could breathe. He wanted so many things already, so many things that were so far from his reach. He didn’t need to want anything more.
And yet, here he was, wanting Ronan Lynch, wanting all of him. This particular want wasn’t out of his reach. But getting it in his grasp somehow seemed more complicated than all his other wants put together.
Ronan’s voice startled him out of his thoughts. “Know anything about constellations, Parrish?”
Adam shrugged. “Some. Not much.”
Ronan stared intently at the sky for a few seconds and then pointed upward. “Orion’s right there. The hunter with a bow.”
“Um, I don’t see it.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, Lynch, I’m serious, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Ronan made an exasperated noise. “Just look at where I’m fucking pointing!”
Adam stared at him in disbelief. “You could literally be pointing anywhere, it’s not like I can tell from my position.”
“Yes you can,” Ronan insisted.
Adam flung his arm up, pointing at a random spot. “Is it there?” He moved his finger slightly to the left. “Or there?” More to the left. “Or there? Or—“
“Jesus Christ, Parrish.” Ronan took Adam’s uplifted hand in his own, inched closer, and adjusted his arm so that his finger was pointing where he wanted it to. Adam had stopped breathing. Ronan’s fingers were warm on his. His voice was strained when he asked, “There. Do you see it now?”
Adam forgot how to speak. He didn’t answer Ronan. Instead, he turned his head to face Ronan instead of the stars. After staring at the planes of Ronan’s face in the moonlight, Adam decided that there was nothing that special about stars. They paled in comparison to the wondrous boy next to him. Their fire was nothing compared to his, a lit match next to a forest fire.
Ronan was looking back at him, and their faces were only inches apart. Their hands were still touching above their heads. Adam turned his palm and twined their fingers together, gently tugging their arms down to the grass between them. He heard Ronan’s sharp intake of breath and saw him swallow, and their faces were somehow closer than they were a second ago. Two inches apart. One inch apart. Adam could feel Ronan’s breath on his lips. His eyes fluttered shut, and—
He felt the warmth of Ronan’s hand snatched away, and when he opened his eyes, the other boy was standing up. “Shit,” Ronan spat, his hands clutching the back of his head, pacing in front of Adam.
Adam sat up quickly, his head dizzy, his lips aching for what they never had. “Ronan?”
Ronan stopped pacing abruptly. He wasn’t looking at Adam. “Come on, Parrish. Let’s go.”
Adam stood up. “I—What?”
Ronan didn’t reply, just walked quickly towards the BMW. Adam ran to catch up with him. “Woah, Lynch. Wait. What happened?”
Ronan whirled on him, and his eyes were furious in a way Adam had never seen them. “Nothing fucking happened. I said, let’s fucking go. I’m driving you the fuck home. Come on.”
Adam didn’t move. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Ronan just turned around and kept walking. Adam sighed and followed him. He was so tired. When they got in the car and sped off towards St. Agnes, the car was silent. Adam didn’t press, didn’t ask Ronan why he pulled away, because he could tell he wouldn’t get an answer.
He was so tired of Ronan Lynch pulling away.
As they drove, Adam leaned his head against the window, closing his eyes. He didn’t fall asleep, though. He just kept replaying the moment over and over in his head, their faces so close, their lips a breath apart, almost touching, almost kissing, finally.
But then Ronan ran away in anger, as he tended to do. Adam was so, so tired.
Neither of them said a word for the rest of the drive, and by the time Ronan pulled into the parking lot of St. Agnes, the silence was a living, unbearable, suffocating thing, and Adam was tired of all of it. He needed to know. He needed to get this over with, so he could move on, to happiness or to heartbreak, whatever was coming.
Adam didn’t get out of the car, and Ronan didn’t say anything. Adam tried to contain the anger in his face, but likely failed. “Why did you pull away?”
Ronan stayed quiet.
Adam turned to face the other boy, whose face was resolutely trained on the windshield in front of him. “Ronan.” His voice was softer this time.
Finally, Ronan spoke. His tone was defeated. “I don’t know what it is you want, Adam, but it’s not this.”
“What is that supposed to mean? How the hell would you know what I do and don’t want?”
Ronan took a deep breath, steeling himself. “I dream about you, you know. You stare at me coldly when I try to—when I try to tell you how I –“ Ronan faltered, words failing him. “You don’t want me. Not in my dreams, and definitely not out of them.” When he finally turned to look at Adam, his eyes were more vulnerable than Adam had ever seen them. He either couldn’t or wouldn’t hide the pain and fear in them.
Something in Adam’s heart tugged terribly. His pulse was a loud thing in his veins. “They were just dreams. They weren’t real,” Adam all but whispered, trying to make his voice as gentle as possible, trying to convey how much he felt for this impossible boy.
Ronan looked away. “I don’t know what’s real anymore.”
“Ronan. Ronan, look at me.” Ronan did. Adam reached over, lifted his hands, put them on either side of Ronan’s face, pulled him closer to him, so their foreheads were touching, and they were inches away from each other once again. Ronan stiffened under Adam’s touch and took a shaky breath.
“Parrish, don’t—“
“No, listen to me. This is real. I don’t know what the Adam in your dreams wants. But this is what I want. You’re what I want.”
Ronan stilled even further, and then suddenly his lips were on Adam, soft and brief and messy and awkward, and then they were gone as quickly as they had appeared, and Ronan pulled away from Adam and leaned back in his seat. Adam hadn’t moved from his position, stunned and awed.
He saw that Ronan’s eyes were closed as he breathed heavily. Slowly, Adam leaned back in his seat too, but he took Ronan’s hand in his and squeezed. Ronan’s eyes fluttered open.
“So,” Adam began. “That was. Um. That was…” Adam wasn’t sure how to finish. He didn’t know what that was. All he knew was that it had ended too quickly.
“Yeah, it was,” Ronan breathed.
Adam sighed. “It’s late, I should probably go to bed. But, um, maybe we can meet up tomorrow? After I get off work?”
“Yeah. Yeah. I’ll pick you up at 9.”
Adam smiled at him. “Great.” Then he leaned over and gave the other boy a quick kiss on the lips, and got out of the car before he could see Ronan’s reaction.
*
Adam had seen the BMW pull up outside St. Agnes roughly ten minutes ago, but Ronan still made a move to come up to his apartment. He didn’t try to alert Adam to the fact that he was here, either. He had, however, gotten out of the car, walked a few steps, and gotten back in the car a few times, his posture indicating that he was furiously warring with himself.
Adam was glad to know that Ronan was just as nervous as he was.
After five more minutes, Adam got tired of waiting and finally just walked to Ronan’s car and got in. Ronan hadn’t seen him approaching, too caught inside his own head, and startled when Adam sat down in the passenger seat.
“So, were you ever planning on actually coming up, or were you just going to get out of the car and get back in multiple times for another fifteen minutes?”
Ronan huffed, trying to feign indifference. “Shut up, Parrish.”
Adam rolled his eyes. “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
“Anywhere.”
So they drove and drove and drove through the quiet night, the stars twinkling above them. Adam caught Ronan sneaking looks at him and looking away when Adam caught him. After the third time this happened, Adam finally said something, feeling bold.
“You don’t have to do that anymore, you know. You can look as much as you want now.”
Ronan looked embarrassed, but he looked Adam in the eyes, his voice rough and unsure. “Yeah?”
Adam nodded. “Yeah.” And then, “Besides, there was no point to you doing that in the first place. I could tell every time you were looking at me and checking me out, which was like, every five minutes, by the way.”
Ronan turned red. “Fuck you.” Adam laughed. Ronan hesitated, then, “Was I really that obvious?”
“Yeah, you were. But don’t worry. I liked it.”
“Vain asshole.”
“Yeah, well.” They lapsed into a comfortable silence.
Taking a deep breath, Adam reached out and put his hand over Ronan’s on the gearshift. After a few moments, he moved his hand upward and drew circles with his fingers on Ronan’s wrist. Ronan stilled.
“Parrish,” Ronan said, his voice strangled, “If you keep doing that, I might end up crashing the car.”
Adam grinned. “Really?” He started tracing Ronan’s knuckles, softly touching every part of Ronan’s hand that he could.
“Asshole,” Ronan muttered.
“Lynch. Pull up onto that field coming up.” Adam decided that he couldn’t stand sitting one more minute in this car without kissing Ronan Lynch.
Ronan did as he said, and as soon as the car stopped moving, Adam took off his seatbelt and climbed into the backseat. When he looked at Ronan, the other boy was staring at him with wide eyes.
Adam could feel himself blushing, but he powered on. “Well? Are you going to join me, or…?”
Ronan swallowed. “Y-Yeah, uh…” He fumbled over his seatbelt and climbed in back beside him. Their knees were touching. He nervously ran a hand over his head and looked at Adam. Cleared his throat. “So.”
Adam looked at his lips. “So.” He reached out his hand and fit his palm on the side of Ronan’s face, and Ronan leaned into the touch, his eyes almost fluttering shut. Ronan brought his hand up to cover Adam’s, and gently moved his palm lower, softly kissed the middle of it, one, two, three times. He looked Adam in the eyes as he did this, and Adam’s face felt hot.
Adam took his hand out of Ronan’s and now he traced Ronan’s cheekbone, his jaw, the side of his neck, brought his hand to the back of his head, touching the short hairs at the nape of his neck. Ronan shivered against the touch, and something in Adam lit up, and he surged forward, pressing his lips hard against Ronan’s.
It was a terrible kiss.
Their teeth knocked together, their noses bumped painfully, and Ronan pulled back and swore. “Jesus fuck, Parrish, what the fuck?”
Adam wanted the ground to swallow him. “Shit. Uh, s-sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Ronan continued to swear.
Embarrassment tinged with annoyance, now, Adam said, indignant, “I said sorry! It’s not like I’ve done this before, Lynch. Sorry if it’s not perfect.”
Ronan stopped swearing, looked at Adam, wide-eyed. “You haven’t? Done this before?”
Adam was sure his face was burning. “No, I haven’t,” He snapped.
“What about Blue?”
“What about her? We never kissed.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Ronan cleared his throat. “I haven’t, either.”
Relief and surprise hit Adam at once. He was glad Ronan was as new to this as he was. Not that that canceled out his embarrassment. He looked down at his hands. “Oh. Well. I know that wasn’t… I mean… Sorry if I wasn’t your ideal first kiss.” Adam tried to keep the insecurity and shame out of his voice, but failed. Their kisses thus far had been either brief or painful or both. It was no fireworks or whatever else Ronan had probably wanted.
“Adam, of course it was fucking ideal, okay? It was with you. I don’t give a shit about anything else.” And oh, Ronan’s voice was filled with so much sincerity and emotion, that if the words themselves hadn’t wrecked Adam already, that certainly would have. When Adam finally looked up, Ronan’s gaze was intense, burning, and this time, Ronan leaned in tentatively, bringing his hand to Adam’s cheek and brushing their lips lightly together.
Ronan’s lips were slow, tentative, almost shy, on his. He kissed him with a gentleness that Adam had not thought the other boy capable of, and Adam melted. He moved his hands to Ronan’s chest, gripping his t-shirt to anchor himself. Adam pushed harder, his lips becoming more urgent, his hands traveling up and down Ronan’s chest, his sides. But Ronan was still holding back, his hand still lightly touching Adam’s cheeks, his other hand at his side, his lips uncertain and afraid. Ronan tensed as Adam reached under Ronan’s shirt to brush the soft skin on his stomach.
Adam pulled back, frowning. Breathing hard, he asked, “Are you okay?”
Ronan’s eyes were wide, his cheeks flushed. “Y-yeah. Why?”
“You just seem… I mean, we can stop? If – if this is too much or –“
“No,” Ronan said quickly. “I – this is fine.”
“Then what’s wrong? You seem nervous.”
Ronan looked down, but he didn’t say anything.
“Ronan?” Adam’s voice was soft. Ronan was still quiet.
“Ronan,” Adam said again. “Ronan. Hey. Hey. Look at me.” He brought his hands to Ronan’s face, and Ronan finally looked at him. He looked scared, but Adam wasn’t sure what he was afraid of. Did he do something wrong? “Hey. Ronan. It’s just me, okay?” Adam kissed him, a soft, quick peck of the lips. “Just me.” His voice was a whisper.
Ronan swallowed. “That’s the thing. It’s you, Adam.”
Adam pulled his hands away from Ronan, folded them on his lap. “What do you mean?”
Ronan let out a shaky breath, scratched the back of his neck, looked down again. “I… you don’t know how long I’ve wanted you, Parrish. I, god, I like you so much, and I just… I don’t want to fuck this up.” Ronan sounded embarrassed at the confession, but there was still a determination in his voice.
The words cut through Adam’s skin and went straight to his heart, lodging themselves there permanently. His voice was thick when he asked, “How would you fuck it up?”
“Have you met me?”
“Have you met me?” Adam countered. “If we fuck up, we fuck up. We can fix it. We can make it work.” Unless you decide you don’t want me. Really, that was far more likely than Ronan being the one to fuck it up.
“I know. I know. I’m just…”
Adam brought his hand to Ronan’s cheek, kissed his forehead. Then he wrapped his arms around his neck and buried his head into his shoulder. “I’m here, Lynch.” He pressed a kiss to his neck. “I’m not leaving.” Ronan exhaled. He nodded. “So,” Adam asked after a moment, pulling back, smiling. “How long have you liked me?”
Ronan scowled, looking more like himself. “Shut up.”
“Oh come on. Tell me.”
“No.”
Adam raised his eyebrows. “I’m not kissing you again until you do.”
This seemed to convince Ronan. “Fine, asshole,” he grumbled. “Shit, I don’t know, man. Ever since I stopped hating you, I guess.”
Adam’s eyes widened. “But that’s… it’s been over a year.” Only a little while after they had met, after Ronan’s initial jealousy and cruelty faded to something just a little softer.
Ronan’s cheeks were pink. “Yeah.”
Adam kissed him again, and this time Ronan was less hesitant, running his hands over Adam’s chest, kissing him harder. Adam pushed Ronan down until he was lying on his back and climbed on top of him. It was cramped and uncomfortable, but neither of them really cared. They kissed and kissed and kissed, Ronan’s hands tangled in Adam’s hair, Adam’s hands running themselves down Ronan’s body. After a while, Adam kissed down Ronan’s jaw, his neck, the hollow of his throat, his collarbone.
Ronan let out a low sound and said, voice rough, “Wait, wait.”
Adam pulled back immediately. “Sorry. Too much?”
“No – yes – I just, uh. We should probably stop before I embarrass myself, Parrish.”
Adam’s cheeks heated up, and he was sure Ronan’s mirrored him. He let out an embarrassed laugh. “Yeah, um, probably.” It was probably for the best; neither of them was experienced or ready for anything more. So Adam laid beside Ronan, with his head on his chest. It was difficult to fit comfortably in such a small space, but they managed.
“Why am I surprised that dating Ronan Lynch involves making out and cuddling in the backseat of his car,” Adam said dryly.
Ronan scoffed. “Say ‘cuddling’ again and this thing might just have to end, Parrish.”
“What, doesn’t fit your whole asshole image?”
“Well, being in love with you doesn’t really fit that image either, but—“ Ronan broke off, realizing what he’d just said. “Uh.”
Adam froze, shock pulsing through him. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.
“Um. Shit. Can we forget I said that?”
Adam lifted his head up and looked at Ronan, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. “Did you mean it?” His voice was a whisper.
Ronan bit his lip, but didn’t hesitate as he said, “I don’t lie, Parrish.”
Adam exhaled, and kissed Ronan softly and deeply, trying to convey the words he couldn’t yet say. He pulled back and smiled, and with some embarrassment, realized his eyes were wet. “Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing at them furiously.
“Uh, Parrish. Are you crying?”
“Shut up.”
“No, seriously. What did I do?” Ronan’s voice was on the verge of panicking.
Adam laughed and kissed him again. “You didn’t – I just. I never thought…,” He swallowed down the lump in his throat. “Thank you.”
Ronan raised his eyebrows. “For what?”
“For this. For everything,” Adam whispered.
Ronan smiled up at him, traced his cheekbone gently. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to.
When they finally drove back an hour later, with the windows open and music that wasn’t terrible for once blasting through the speakers, Adam thought this was possibly the most at peace he had ever felt in his life. Here, speeding through the streets of Henrietta, with Ronan Lynch’s hand in his over the gearshift and the world spread out before them, hope spread through Adam’s chest, overwhelming him and taking him over completely, until, at least for a few precious moments, all his worries melted away.