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The raid was surprisingly boring considering they were going up against the British Navy. He hoped they would’ve been more of a challenge, what with all their fancy little wigs and gold shoulder bits. Instead it was just…the uzsh. So boring he could cry. If he actually bothered with crying, which he definitely didn’t (especially not after seven shots of rum and a funny sugary drink with a little umbrella in it, because he had sworn Ivan to silence that one time with a knife to his throat. Anyway.) Blackbeard didn’t cry or apparently even have fun. Only boredom for the best pirate on the seven seas. Whoopee.
Things were pretty much handled on deck so he sauntered towards the captain’s cabin. Even though there wasn’t likely to be much to fence, a military’s captain’s cabin usually held riches in the way of intel. Always good to know where other naval ships were, and which nation was currently trying to fuck over which, and the lewd letters back home were always a treat to read out loud on the deck. One time a man had jumped overboard after Blackbeard had read out some of the more lurid letters intended for his mistress. They involved a certain inappropriate longing for his mistress’s favorite horse. Wild, just wild.
The door to the cabin was locked, so he broke it open with a super cool looking kick (that was a lot easier to do ten years ago – his hip was getting a bit stiff). And then. Well.
Huh.
“What!” Someone shrieked.
And what a someone it was. This someone was currently laid out flat on his back in the bed nook, breeches around his ankles, legs (and oh those legs, encased in tight sheer stockings) spread wide, knees folded back near to his face so he could get three fingers deep in his arsehole.
“Yeah, what,” Blackbeard echoed, briefly struck dumb by the sight.
“What are you doing here!” the handsome someone snapped.
His pale face was flushed, a full bloom of red in his cheeks, and his eyebrows were screwed up in something like pain. Golden curls fanned out around him on the pillow in a sweaty tangle.
“Raiding the ship, in case you couldn’t tell,” he said, twirling his finger to gesture to all the noise and mayhem happened around him.
“Really?” the man asked, lifting his head up to squint at him.
“Really really.”
“Fuck,” the man dropped his head back down to the pillow and released a gusty sigh, “and I was so close too.”
Ed casually let the door close behind him and leaned against it in a cool and sexy (so sexy!) slouch, his curiosity piqued.
“Close to…coming?” he guessed.
“Yes!” the man cried, and then flung an arm over his eyes dramatically, “I haven’t had an orgasm in three years.”
Ed whistled low, impressed. That was a long time.
“Sounds miserable, mate.”
“You have no idea.”
The raiding could wait a moment while he indulged his curiosity. Hadn’t encountered a proper gentleman mid-wank on a raid before (also he maybe wanted to ogle those calves in those stockings for a little bit longer. Whatever.)
“Is that like a…dysfunction thing? Or like a sex game thing?”
“It’s a ‘my husband is a selfish prick in bed’ thing,” the gentleman snapped.
“Ah. He not take care of you then? Doesn’t know how to please you?”
Ed waggled his eyebrows a bit for effect. The reaction he got was a whimsical sigh and a longing glance out the tiny porthole window.
“He doesn’t even want to know how.”
“Sounds like a bit of a dick.”
“A complete dick.”
“Why you married to him, then?”
“Arranged.”
“No offence, mate, but couldn’t you…find companionship elsewhere? Plenty of people have affairs.”
“Oh yes, I’ll just find companionship in the middle of the ocean! Why didn’t I think of that? That would be so easy – locked as I am in his stupid fucking cabin!”
The gentleman sat up, breeches still around his ankles, and huffed in anger, his sweaty curls falling into his eyes. Ed held his hands up, placating. His eyes may have dipped down to check out the generous package cushioned between those thighs.
“Gotcha. He’s a selfish, controlling, prick of a husband.”
The man sniffed, trying to sound imperious, then ruined it by wiping his nose.
“I was excited when he said I’d be coming with him after our marriage, you know? I thought: he really wants me! We’ll have a grand time sailing the world, seeing all there is to see, sharing new wonders together…and after three years the most I’ve seen is the backside of a locked door.”
Ed was a bastard, but he wasn’t such a bastard that his heart didn’t give a little twinge.
“Sounds boring as fuck,” he grumbled.
“So boring! I bet you’re never bored,” the man continued wistfully, “being a pirate must be awfully exciting. You can go wherever you like. No one tells you what to do. You wake up to something new every day.”
“Eh,” Ed shrugged one shoulder, “not as exciting as all that, mate. Raiding becomes routine, all the ships begin to blur together, the loot starts to mean nothing – once you’ve got like one hundred piles of treasure, the one hundred and first doesn’t feel special, you know? And sometimes you get an annoying as fuck First Mate who’s worse than a wife with all the nagging.”
“Nagging?” a tiny smile started to form at the edge of the gentleman’s mouth, just enough to hint at a dimple. It was cute. Or whatever.
“So much nagging,” Ed said solemnly.
The man giggled and Ed found himself grinning in response. Then they sort of…stared at each other for a moment, stupid smiles on their faces, until a loud burst of cannon fire killed the moment. The other man jerked, blinked a lot, and then wiped his eyes and patted down his hair.
“Oh, but look at me blubbering on. You said you were here for a reason. Raiding or some such? Well, by all means, don’t let me stop you.”
He waved to the room at large and Ed, eyebrows so high they were basically at his hairline, slid towards the captain’s desk. It had a promising number of fiddly little cabinets and drawers.
“Thanks, man.”
“Not a problem at all. Though…while I know raiding is a meticulous business, would you mind being quick about it? Perhaps I can rub one out before he comes back.”
“Mmm?” Ed rumbled, because an image of how this raid could conclude was forming in his mind, and it was a delicious image, “You’re on a time limit? Well, by all means, don’t let me stop you.”
He mimicked the man’s posh voice from earlier, but offset the teasing with a gratuitous leer. The gentleman’s jaw dropped open and the flush started traveling down his face to his neck and then spread to his chest, which was peeking out of the laces of his shirt. Ed swallowed, wetting his throat. It was a delectable chest, there was a lot of skin there that would look better with some beard burn. Maybe a deep and sharp bite.
“I couldn’t possibly,” the man murmured and closed those sweet legs of his.
“Don’t pay me no mind, man,” Ed said, making a big show of flipping through some papers on the desk. He didn’t absorb a single written word.
There was a long silence (well, silent except for the background screaming and gun shots, but that was just general ambience in Ed’s opinion. White noise and the like.)
“And you’re just going to – be over there?” the man’s voice went high pitched.
“Could be over here,” Ed said amiably, “or could be over there. With you. Giving a helping hand, as it were.”
He looked up from the papers and winked. The gentleman gasped.
“Oh, I couldn’t!” He looked close to fainting. His eyes, however, were very firmly on Ed’s crotch.
“You were just saying that you couldn’t find a man at sea to please you, being locked in here and shit. Well, now look!” Ed spread his arms wide, grinned wolfishly, “I’m in here too.”
The blond slowly leaned back in bed.
“That’s right,” he said faintly, “you broke in here. A pirate…pillaging.”
Ed stalked towards the bed nook, anticipation thrumming in his gut.
“Looking for some treasure,” he growled.
“Some booty,” the other man said breathlessly, then giggled.
Ed groaned, sexy saunter stuttering to a halt, “C’mon man, I was setting the mood.”
“The mood’s still set,” he said coyly, spreading his legs wide again, “booty’s ah…still here.”
Ed stepped right in between those spread legs like that space was a home made for him to move into. As seductively as he knew how, he brushed his fingers along the man’s bare arse cheek, just a suggestion of possibility. The man looked up at him with eyes as wide as the portholes, apparently speechless now that Ed was close enough to touch. To pillage.
“I shouldn’t,” he whispered, “I’m married.”
“Are you though? This is a raid. Your husband could be dead. Probably is, we tend to take the captain out first to tank morale and destabilize the leadership structure.”
“Oh. I suppose that makes sense.”
A second too late Ed realized maybe that wasn’t the most reassuring thing to say.
“Sorry,” he said, half-shrugging and not really sorry, “now the mood really is dead, isn’t it?”
“Probably as dead as my husband,” the gentleman said primly.
Ed’s laugh took him by surprise, “In that case, maybe a widow could use some comfort? Maybe even…an orgasm?”
“An orgasm sounds lovely.”
“Lovely,” Ed parroted.
So of fucking course that’s when the door crashed open.
“Captains! Where the fuck are you? We’ve been ready to head back to the Revenge for like, an hour.”
They stared at Lucius. Lucius stared at them. Stede huffed, reached down to the floor, and threw the first thing he found, which happened to be his shoe.
“Get out of here Lucius!”
Stede wasn’t known for his aim and Lucius didn’t even pretend to duck as the shoe went wide and hit the far wall.
“They’re fine!” Lucius called back to the crew at large, “They’re just doing their weird sex roleplay thing again.”
“It isn’t weird!” Stede snapped waspishly.
“Eh,” Ed shrugged, “it’s a bit weird.”
To take the sting from the words he soothed a hand down Stede’s flank, “Doesn’t mean I don’t like it though.”
“Whatever,” Lucius rolled his eyes, “Loot’s on the ship, most everyone’s rowed back over, so hurry up and finish whatever this is so we can eat dinner. Roach is gonna make salmon in a sweet cilantro lime sauce.”
Then he slammed the door shut. Stede thunked his head back into the pillows.
“You know what, Ed? I think there is indeed too much nagging in this pirate life of ours.”
Ed snorted, “Let em nag, we’re still the captains. If we wanna fuck for a bit, we’ll fuck for a bit. They can wait.”
“Will they?” Stede seemed dubious, “Could sail off without us.”
Ed sighed, “And I do really like Roach’s salmon.”
Stede reached up to pat Ed’s belly, “Guess we’ll finish ‘Unhappily Married and in Want of an Orgasm Aristocrat is Ravished by a Bored Blackbeard Looking for Love’ at a later time.”
“That’s not even roleplay!” Lucius called from outside the door, “That’s like pretty much your actual life.”
“Stop eavesdropping and do something useful!” Stede leaned over to grab for his other shoe.
Ed started to soothe circles on Stede’s knees, which were still in the air, to distract him. If he ended up getting scuffs on those shoes he’d be pissy for days until Ed ordered someone to buff the blemishes out.
“I liked the backstory you gave him this time – no orgasms in three years? Really made me feel like I had to help you out, you know.”
As predicted, flattery sufficiently redirected Stede’s attention. He dropped his shoe and smiled up at Ed, which was possibly one of Ed’s most favorite sights in the world.
“Well, hopefully I won’t have to actually wait three years for that orgasm. Let’s reconvene tonight? After dinner and the bedtime story?” Stede batted his eyelashes as if Ed wasn’t already wrapped around his finger.
Ed leaned down to smack a kiss on Stede’s lips, “Unhappily Married and in Want of an Orgasm Aristocrat won’t know what hit him.”
“For Christ’s sake!” Lucius shouted.