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For the record, let it be known that Katsuki did NOT like being kidnapped. He was so fucking exhausted, and his constraints weren’t doing anything to lift his mood. The hunk of metal around his hands was way too heavy to be comfortable, and the straps around his shoulders were digging into his skin.
HOWEVER.
He will admit that being kidnapped by a group as stupid as the League had its perks— said perks being the unlimited entertainment that was their bickering.
Currently, the psycho blonde and the handjob guy were going at it over what had to be the fourth petty dispute of the night. Psycho was obviously purposely egging on anyone who would fight with her, but apparently the rest of the League was too stupid to realize it. That, or whoever had realized it didn’t care enough to stop it, which Katsuki could relate to.
Katsuki tore himself from his thoughts to tune back into the fighting in case anything important was said, and—
“At least my fangs don’t whistle when I breathe,” Hands said, glaring at Psycho from his spot hunched over the bar. The blonde girl smiled mischievously from her place on the couch, perched on an arm rest with her knees up to her chest.
“At least I wash my clothes once in a while,” she bit back, exchanging a fist bump with the Deadpool knock-off that sat beside her when Handjob’s ears turned red.
“Washing clothes is a waste of time, I’m a busy guy!” Handsy all but whined, hitting his hands on the bar dramatically to accentuate his point. The burnt guy resting against the wall snickered, which only served to upset crusty more, as he glared at Burns for a moment instead of Psycho.
“Meow meow meow meow meow,” Psycho mocked, a grin splitting her face, before sticking her tongue out at Handjob.
“Alright if you meow one more time—“
“MEOW MEOW MEOW!!”
“TOGA—“
Handjob lunged from his spot at the bar, reaching for the blonde girl with both hands. Toga only cackled gleefully, pushing off the couch to run and hide behind the magician asshole as Hands chased her. The two came to a standstill with the magician in the middle, both leaning to one side or the other like they were going to make a run for it. Hands was straight up growling, his fingers twitching at his sides as Toga made faces at him between giggles.
“Children, if you would please—“ the misty bartender tried to calm them, his face looking so much like Aizawa-sensei’s did sometimes when 1-A was particularly exhausting. Unfortunately, he was cut off by a screech from Toga as the girl started running from crusty yet again.
Katsuki sighed, actually feeling a bit of sympathy for the poor bartender. It was going to be a long night.
~~~~~
Katsuki had finally learned all the villains’ names, picking them up here and there while they talked to each other. There was Toga, then the hand guy was Shigaraki, the bartender was Kurogiri, and the Deadpool knockoff was Twice. The lizard was Spinner, the burnt guy was Dabi, the magician was Compress, and the lady with the sunglasses was Magne, or more affectionately “Big Sis Mag”. He didn’t know if they didn’t care if Katsuki knew their names or if they were just all stupid (he was leaning more towards the latter), but either way he’d be using the information to his advantage and telling Aizawa-sensei when he got back to UA.
(Because they were coming for him, right?)
Katsuki didn’t have much time to ruminate on this information as Spinner interrupted his thoughts by slamming open the back door, heaving and sweating. Honestly Katsuki hadn’t even noticed the man had left, but that wasn’t the point, because as soon as the door opened the lizard declared,
“We need a dead body.”
Oh!
Shigaraki brightened a bit from his slumped spot on a barstool where he had been previously arguing with Dabi, who also looked intrigued. Toga, Compress, and Magne’s Go Fish game from the couch was paused as they all looked up at Spinner, waiting for him to continue. Twice stopped talking to himself in the corner and straightened up. Kurogiri just looked tired.
“Well where the hell are we gonna get a dead body?” Twice questioned without even waiting for an explanation, cocking his head at Spinner. Compress looked at Katsuki suggestively, to which Dabi shook his head.
“Not him, dumbass, let’s dig up Shiggy’s dead sister.”
“Yeah dumbass, we’re gonna dig up—“ Shigaraki cut himself off from agreeing with Dabi before whipping around to look at the older man bewilderedly. “Dig up Hana?!”
Toga snickered from the couch while Magne sighed, shuffling the stack of cards she had been holding. Twice rapidly switched between admonishing Dabi and praising him for his cruelty. Dabi just looked smug.
~~~~~
Over the past two nights, Katsuki had gotten used to the League’s shenanigans. He’d seen Spinner cry over a video of a puppy, he’d seen Kurogiri slam his head on the table in pure exhaustion, he’d even seen Twice somehow almost get in a physical altercation with himself. Needless to say, he was desensitized to their behavior by now. Which is why he wasn’t shocked at all as he watched Toga wrangle Dabi into doing a TikTok trend with her.
Katsuki watched as Toga sat her phone up on the bar with a bottle before explaining the trend to Dabi. In the edge of the camera, Katsuki could vaguely see himself. Maybe this would help the heroes, he thought distantly, as Toga started a countdown on her phone.
“I’m putting dishes in the dishwasher, what are you doing?” Toga asked when the video started, performing the motion of the task she was saying. Oh, Katsuki had seen this trend.
“I’m.. feeding an orphan.. a dead octopus..” Dabi replied, a bit haltingly, but still going with the trend.
“..Okay..” Toga hesitated, balancing between amused and concerned. “I’m clearing off a table, what are you doing?”
“I’m… ripping a homeless man in half.”
…
Toga stifled a shocked laugh, continuing the video as Katsuki resigned himself to doing nothing but glaring at Dabi. He knew the man was deranged, but it was surprising, if not a bit impressive, that he could come up with this sort of thing on the spot.
“I’m— I’m turning off a light switch, what are you doing?”
“I’m gouging an orphan’s eyeball out.” Twice cackled in the background before scolding himself.
And so it continued.
More and more League members filed in to stand to the side and watch the pair’s antics as Dabi’s responses got continuously more colorful.
“I’m sewing, what are you doing?”
“I’m eating the homeless man that I just ripped in half.”
“I’m opening a fridge, what are you doing?”
“I’m.. snatching a kid from the kindergarten.”
“I’m giving somebody a hug, what are you doing?”
“I’m kidnapping someone from a nursing home.”
“I’m pushing a grocery cart, what are you doing?”
“I’m… pushing a wagon full of.. the body parts of the homeless man I ripped in half.”
“I’m cheerleading, what are you doing?”
“I’m… making a snow angel in……” Dabi hesitated before dragging his hands down his face and letting out a huff of a laugh. “I keep wanting to say words that are gonna get you banned.”
What could he have possibly been making a snow angel in, Katsuki wondered absentmindedly.
“I’m giving a homeless person food because I love helping homeless people, what are you doing?” Toga continued after laughing.
“I’m.. giving that same homeless person a bomb.”
The video ended with howls of laughter from the rest of the League, a very tired Katsuki sighing off to the side, and an exasperated looking Kurogiri staring dead into the camera in the background.
~~~~~
It was the middle of the day, and the League (+Katsuki) were lounging around, doing nothing but offering up the occasional “want to join the League yet kid?” to which the answer was always a resounding “fuck off”. This seemed to be the norm, but the lack of shenanigans was rather worrying. Katsuki was pondering whether or not something was wrong when Twice shot up from where he was laying on the couch, waking a sleeping Toga who had been curled up by the man’s legs.
“Dabi, what color is an orange?” Twice asked, more urgent than Katsuki had ever heard the Deadpool-wannabe.
“Twice, you bonehead, it's the same color as its name,” Dabi replied, rolling his eyes as he spoke.
“Yeah, like a lemon,” Shigaraki piped up, to Magne’s immediate horror.
“W-what?” She stammered out, and yeah, Katsuki could relate. He hung around Kaminari after all.
”Y’know, like a lemon,” was the furthest Shigaraki would elaborate, still concentrated on his gameboy he held onto with four fingers. Kurogiri looked a second away from crying where he stood behind the bar.
~~~~~
It had been three days since Katsuki was kidnapped, and the League was actually seeming organized for once. They were all sitting either on or around the ratty couch that sat against the back wall while Kurogiri stood in front of the bar, cleaning glasses as he spoke. From what Katsuki had picked up on, someone Shigaraki had called “Overhaul” was coming over to talk business, and they wanted to seem actually presentable to the guy and not like a bunch of idiots. Katsuki was really hoping they’d stay idiots for a little while longer and keep him where he could hear their conversation. Maybe then this whole thing would be worth it and he’d go back home with some information on the League’s goals and partners.
“Please make sure to keep the chalkboard up and do not change anything written on it, as they are our only menu options with our limited resources,” Kurogiri spoke, motioning to a chalkboard with a list of different drinks hung up behind the bar. Seems like the group would be serving their guest as well.
“Awwww,” Toga whined, holding up a drawing. “I had a great idea for burger of the day,” she pouted as the rest of the League inspected the paper.
“Well first off, ’Giri only does drinks,” Shigaraki pointed out, scratching at his neck.
“And why is your burger of the day called the ‘Child Molester’?” Dabi deadpanned, making the rest of the League lean in closer to see that the drawing was, in fact, labeled as such.
“In any case, if someone orders that, please do not serve them, Toga,” Kurogiri reigned the conversation back in. “Let Dabi take care of their order.”
“Why do I have to get molested?” Dabi frowned, getting offended at the prospect of being left to the imaginary child molesters, dutifully ignoring the fact that he was 23 and decidedly not a child.
“Because he’s not gonna molest you,” Compress chimed in.
”Why?”
”Because you’re ugly,” Shigaraki supplied helpfully, causing Dabi to glare daggers at him from across the table.
“Ugly kids can get molested,” Dabi argued, crossing his arms, once again ignoring the fact that he was not a kid.
“Yeah, who wouldn’t wanna molest this face?” Toga gushed, leaning toward Dabi and squishing the man’s cheeks in her hands.
“That’s enough— I meant Dabi, because you’re older,” Kurogiri amended, attempting to placate the group.
“Well Shigaraki’s the boss, make him get molested,” Dabi pushed as he swatted Toga’s hands away from his face.
”Yes, well… Tomura isn’t good with the customers..”
Shigaraki scowled. ”I’m good with the customers.”
”Mmmmmm not really,” Dabi cringed.
”I’m great with the customers!”
”Mmmm…”
”He’s autistic he can’t help it!” Toga came to Shigaraki’s defense, a hint of laughter playing on her face.
“Yeah, I’m autistic,” Shigaraki pouted. Meanwhile, Dabi leaned over to the bar and rummaged around the shelves, seemingly searching for something, before coming back with a small object clutched in his hand.
“No, you’re not autistic, Tomura—“ Kurogiri was cut off by Dabi shaking whatever was in his hand to let a few toothpicks (what? Katsuki was so lost.) drop to the floor.
”How many— how many toothpicks… on the ground?” Dabi asked Shigaraki, amusement dancing in his eyes.
Kurogiri let out a weary sigh. “Don’t play this game again,” the warper pleaded, sounding too used to this kind of thing. Beside him Shigaraki hummed to himself, looking down at the toothpicks contemplatively.
“Come on, look, how many toothpicks?”
”No, it just involves me cleaning up toothpicks.”
”A hundred?” Shigaraki spoke up, questioning gaze still aimed at the floor.
“No,” Dabi snickered, covering his mouth with his hand.
Kurogiri paused in his scoldings. “A hundred?” He asked incredulously, golden eyes darting between Shigaraki and the floor.
“It’s three,” Dabi continued, almost doubling over with the effort it took to not burst out laughing.
“There’s three,” Kurogiri repeats, furrowing his brow at the floor.
Dabi threw another toothpick on the ground, grinning all the while. “Okay okay, how many now?”
”Three.”
”No??” Kurogiri sounded genuinely baffled.
”Ugh, you’re the worst kind of autistic,” Toga complained, slumping down onto the couch and kicking at the toothpicks.
“He can’t even count,” Dabi cackled, holding onto a chuckling Magne for balance. Katsuki just sighed, guessing he wouldn’t get any good information after all. Well, it was worth a shot.