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Magnus was waiting for him in the hotel, as arranged. He sat on the end of the bed, admiring the room as he waited eagerly for the Shadowhunter to arrive.
Maybe he was just early.
Maybe Alec was just late.
Maybe Alec wasn't going to show.
The idea made him feel almost sick and he abandoned it immediately, forcing himself to think more positively. Alec had promised him that he'd be there. If there was one thing Magnus had to give Alec credit for, it was his loyalty. Alec would keep his word, he was sure of it.
Magnus was right with his optimistic ideas, and only five minutes later Alec opened the door, walking in and shutting it behind him without giving Magnus so much as a glance. Magnus wrote it off as nerves, or maybe he was just terrified. The latter idea was much less appealing.
"You showed," Magnus stated, staring at Alec, who remained with his back to the warlock, staring at the door in front of him. "I doubted you for a minute."
"I said I'd come," Alec replied, his voice stiff, "Why wouldn't I?" Magnus, and Alec himself, could think of several reasons Alec could have stood him up, but neither of them voiced those reasons. They didn't really matter, because after all, Alec had turned up. To Magnus, that was all that had mattered.
"I'm glad you did," Magnus said, ignoring the question. He assumed it was rhetorical, and he was correct in assuming that. Alec hadn't really wanted an answer, mostly because he knew there were many correct ones that Magnus would have had the brains to think of. Alec couldn't deny, he had thought about standing Magnus up, leaving him to wait then calling it off, or simply not showing at all. He was afraid, scared beyond words and he hadn't wanted to come because he was terrified of saying goodbye, terrified of letting go, and terrified of facing Magnus. Or facing what he felt towards Magnus.
Yet in the end, it had been that piercing feeling that drove him to the hotel room. He wanted to see him. He wanted to touch him and kiss him and just be with him - one last time. Even if it did mean facing what he felt, even if it did mean letting go (which was inevitable anyway, to be fair) because ultimately, Alec knew in his heart that as scary as what he felt was, the love outweighed the fear. It always did.
The 'affair', so to speak, had been going on since Alec had stayed over at Magnus's apartment for 'drinks'. Things has escalated since then, and somehow, as much as it pained Alec to admit it, in the middle of all the confusion and the anger, the lust and the fear - he had fallen in love with the Warlock, and it was the strongest, most empowering feeling that he had ever embraced.
Only that was the catch - he couldn't embrace it. Not anymore.
Despite their desire and lust for each other, Magnus and Alexander simply couldn't be. Even the idea was insane to most, but all of that aside, Alec had another duty, one that came before passion and love, one that triumphed anything else - his duty as a Shadowhunter included - Alec had a duty to his family. A duty nobody else could fulfill, and he refused to let them down again, meaning that quite simply, Alec and Magnus were going to have to end whatever they had between them.
Alec had to marry a woman. It had been his idea, but that was before he realized how he felt about Magnus. He had made the commitment without even thinking about it, and now that he'd really thought it through, he regretted it with all his heart. It was too late for that though, too late to back out. He had too much pride, and his family couldn't be humiliated like that, not after everything they'd been through. Enough was enough, Alec knew that.
He had tried to push all of the dirty thoughts away, his entire life. Alec despised, yet secretly adored, having to think about the things, the people, that he did whilst jerking off. He was overcome with shame every time he finished touching himself, every single time he had thought of men, every single time he had let his imagination run free (and oh, the thoughts) but for a short few days, during his time with Magnus, all of that shame, all of that hatred had disappeared. He wasn't okay with who he was, nor was he completely comfortable, but he was past the point of denying it, and that was more than he had ever dreamed would happen. All because of Magnus.
But that was going to end soon.
It would go back to how it was before - the denial, the shame, the hatred. And even worse? He'd have a wife. A woman. Alec cringed at the thought, knowing it could never be as magical as it was with Magnus. But that was just tough shit, wasn't it?
His duty had to come first. Lust had to be forgotten if he wanted to do his family proud, so that's what he intended to do - but not before a last hurrah. Not before one final night with his true love.
And ultimately, that was why he was stood there - in the room, with Magnus - because that love meant more to him than the fear, or the shame, or the hatred, and for one last night Alec was doing something for himself (and Magnus). They didn't have much time left, Alec wanted to make the most of it. Just one last night of pleasure, that warped form of happiness - whatever it was that Magnus made him feel.
-
They were in the hotel room two hours.
Alec had tried to make it last as long as possible, dragging out the foreplay until he couldn't resist any longer and trying to savor every second of it - pressing into every kiss, touching Magnus anywhere and everywhere, and Magnus adored it. Both the feeling and the attention, even if it was going to be the last time.
If anything, that knowledge made it all the more meaningful, all the more passionate. But they were so passionate every other time too, which was what made their relationship so much more special to Magnus. It was rare someone like that came along, and he knew that Shadowhunter or not, someone like that was someone to hold on to. Only this time, that choice was out of his hands, and he despised that.
But he couldn't despise Alec, never. He didn't know how to hate him, even if a part of him did want to blame him for the sticky situation they were in. It would've been easy to pin the blame on Alec, but there was so much more to it than that, and Magnus didn't want to spend whatever time he had with Alec feeling bitter and cold towards him - not that he could, even if he did want to.
Magnus, with all his mighty power, could control a lot of things. Unfortunately for him, how he felt about Alexander was not one of those things.
Then again, that had it's positive side too.
"Oh fuck, oh," Alec's moans were probably some of the filthiest, hottest things that Magnus had ever heard. He was doing anything he could to keep hearing them, until inevitably, Alec let out another final, louder cry. Magnus knew that it would be the last one he heard, and deep down, that broke him. "Magnus..."
"Alec," Magnus gasped, looking up at him in all his glory. Alexander was truly beautiful and Magnus really believed that in all his time on earth, despite all of the beautiful people he had laid eyes on, even hooked up with, Alexander Lightwood was one of the most utterly stunning among them. His body was incredible, toned and muscular, yet not too much, and the hair on his chest there, yet not too much. He had wonderful eyes too, deep and dark and always analyzing - even right now Alec's eyes were open, staring down at his lovers body, then back up at his face. They made eye contact for a blissful second, before Magnus broke it stare at his personal favorite feature - Alec's lips.
They were beautiful to look at, a soft shade of pink and fairly thin on sight, yet once touched, they felt thick and warm and welcoming. Alec's lips were slightly parted, soft moans and pants escaping from them. Magnus felt the sudden urge to touch them, feel them against his again. His hands, one clutching Alec's hair, the other on his shoulder, pulled Alec's closer to him, and Magnus leaned up as far as he could, closing the space between them. They both melted into the warm, familiar feeling of it, Alec enjoying it equally as much as Magnus was, even letting out a soft moan that secretly drove Magnus insane. Every time he heard the sound it was like the butterflies in his stomach were released, and a warm tingly feeling rested there even once they'd finished.
Finishing was always the best and worst part of it. Coming always felt incredible, especially when they'd built up to it so much, but part of them both just didn't want it to be over.
That's why this time, it was so much fucking harder, because this time? It truly was over.
The realization dawned upon them only seconds later, when the kiss broke apart. "Alec..." Magnus repeated. Alec shut his eyes as he rolled off of the warlock, sinking back into the bed. He sighed, leaving his eyes shut as he thought about it all, a familiar feeling of anxiety creeping over him.
Magnus cleaned himself off and then crawled back over to Alec, running a hand up and down his chest. He could sense the worry, it was almost overwhelming, but he too felt shitty about the situation, just for a different reason, and in different ways. "You're not gone yet Alexander," Magnus whispered into his neck. Alec forced a smile, but left his eyes closed. He didn't want to face Magnus, or what would happen once he left the room.
"I know," He replied, letting on arm snake around Magnus, "I just..." He didn't know what to say. Where to start? There was so much to be said, yet so little time to say it.
"You know you don't have to keep explaining your choice to me," Magnus said, tracing the lines in Alec's abs. Alec sighed.
"It isn't a choice," Alec mumbled, "I mean it is, but it's not..." He gulped, "It's my duty Magnus. Duties aren't choices, not like that. My duty to protect my family comes before my...wants." But it felt like more than a want now. It felt like a need, like a desperate, desperate need. Did personal needs come before duty? Alec was too afraid to ask himself.
"I understand that," Magnus said, "I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into." He felt bad for himself, there was no denying that. Magnus couldn't ignore the aching in his heart or the gaping hole that felt like it was forming in his stomach. Yet, funnily enough, Magnus felt even worse for Alec. After all, he would be the one living a lie with a woman he wasn't even capable of loving, and that made Magnus hurt even more. He felt pity too, how could he not?
"I do," Alec snapped back, getting sick of the constant lectures. Issabelle had given him the speech about it at least a dozen times, Jace had warned him, and even Clary had tried to talk to him about it. He didn't want to hear it, especially not from Magnus - mostly because he didn't want to think about it but also because he knew that if anyone had the power to talk him out of it, that person (or warlock) was Magnus Bane.
"And you're okay with it?" Magnus asked. It was the one thing that confused him more than anything, how could Alec be so accepting of it? He hadn't even challenged it, in fact, he had embraced it with open arms. "Truly?"
"I have to be," Alec shrugged, finally opening his eyes. Magnus was by his side and that offered him some form of comfort, but he knew that wasn't going to last. Magnus couldn't stay by his side for much longer...
As soon as they made eye contact and the warlock saw the faint glimmer of fear in Alec's eyes, they were back to holding each other - arm in arm, chest to chest, legs tangled together and Alec's face buried in his lovers shoulder.
Lover.
Not for much longer.
"I'll miss you, Alexander," Magnus confessed, loosening his grip around Alec just the slightest bit. He heard him sigh, and felt the warmth of his breath against his neck, as Alec pulled him back closer but there was no immediate verbal response. Aside from obvious flirting and hidden messages, the boys had never been verbally intimate, and their feelings for each other had never been said out loud. Before the bold statement Magnus had just made, they hadn't even admitted to caring strongly for one another, more just hinting that they'd like to care for each other. And of course, physically showing each other that every single time they'd met. But that wasn't the same.
There was a value in speaking something, more than actions, more than secret messages. A verbal confirmation. It always felt more real, more true. An action was not like a statement, a statement spoke intention, truth and emotion. An action spoke whatever it someone wanted it to say, actions were ambiguous. Saying something out loud was like it became real. There was no denying it once you spoke your feelings. They were known to someone else, for good.
Magnus's confession was not a shock to Alec. He would miss Magnus too, more than words could ever really say, but he wasn't ready to admit it yet, even if his actions did that for him. Magnus didn't know the true intention behind those until Alec said it out loud, and that was something he just wasn't ready to do.
Or so he thought.
But there was a little voice inside of his head, screaming at the back of his mind. It was now, or never.
"I'll miss you too," He whispered, his voice cracking as he spoke. He refused to cry, but he wanted to, so, so bad. He was fighting back the tears. "So fucking much."
Magnus kissed him, changing his mind. Maybe actions weren't the same as an outright confession, but sometimes, they were enough. Alec kissed back, so hard that their teeth clinked together and he swore his lips would be sore for the rest of the day. But he didn't care. It felt worth it.
Eventually, Magnus pulled away, planting another smaller, softer kiss against Alec's neck. "Is there anything I can say to make you stay?"
"Try me," Alec chuckled softly. He doubted it, but a small part of him wanted Magnus to succeed, to convince him to stay.
"We could have a good life together, me and you," Magnus began. Alec shook his head. He just couldn't see it that way. A warlock and a shadowhunter? A shadowhunter and an underworlder? It wasn't going to be easy by a long shot.
"Maybe," Alec mumbled. The idea of them together like that made him want to cry; falling to sleep together every night, waking up together every morn, all the dates, all the jokes, all the memories they could create, all the fun they'd have - all the happiness they'd feel. Yet that's all it was: an idea, and that was the part that made him feel so sad about it. It could never happen. Part of him felt weak for mourning over something that had never existed to begin with, after all, how could you miss something you never had to begin with? "But how?"
"We could just run," Magnus said. He'd thought it all through, which meant he wanted it more than anything, but it also meant he'd realized how hard it was going to be for Alec. "We wouldn't even have to look back, we could just go somewhere far away and..." Be happy. He didn't say that part out loud though.
"They'd find me," Alec sighed, "But even if they didn't I...I'd lose everything, Magnus. My family, my friends, my work. There's too much at stake."
"And I'm not worth it," Magnus hadn't meant to say it out loud. He wasn't really one for guilt tripping, but the words just slipped out. Saying what you felt was hard to stop once you said it once. That was good and bad, but in this case? Bad. Really bad, for them both.
Alec hadn't wanted, or expected, such a response from Magnus, but maybe it was what he had needed to hear. It wasn't going to make him stay, but it was going to make him think about it, something he had avoided doing since meeting Magnus. Since falling for Magnus.
"I shouldn't have said that," Magnus said, softly running his fingers down Alec's jaw. Alec nodded, then shook his head, confused. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," Alec sighed, "I'm so fucking sorry."
"For?" Magnus tilted his head back, curious as to what Alec meant. He knew what he wanted him to mean.
"Starting something we couldn't finish," Alec replied, staring at Magnus in a way that told him he meant every single word, "Letting it get this far, leaving you, hurting you-"
"What makes you think you're hurting me?" Magnus scoffed, although he had pretty much confessed he had some form of feeling for Alec, he had never made clear, only hinted, at what that feeling was. He didn't like the idea that Alexander was just assuming...
Assumptions could be dangerous.
"Am I not?" Alec asked. Magnus smiled weakly.
"You are," Magnus said quietly, "But I can take it. I should've known this was coming, and I shouldn't have let myself dream so much. There I was, thinking we'd have something-" Alec cut him off with a kiss. It didn't last long, but it was enough.
"We do have something," Alec whispered, "We'll always have something." They entwined their fingers, and Magnus let his head fall forward so that they were resting their foreheads together. It would have been a romantic moment, but Magnus failed to see the beauty or the romance. It was just painful, because this was going to be the last time. This was the goodbye.
The warlock had thought he knew that, he thought he was dealing with it.
Oh, how wrong he was...
The realization hit him hard, and suddenly all he could think about was that he'd never get Alec like this again - he'd never see his beautiful body in all it's glory, he'd never hold him, never kiss him, never get to spend another night with him. That was too much to think about, it left him feeling like there was a hole in his heart. Magnus couldn't bear it, so he said,"If there's anything I can say to make you stay, to stop you marrying her, tell me and I'll say it."
"There's nothing, Magnus," Alexander said, using a tone of voice that told him that Alec was also aware of the...finality of their situation. Never again would they lay in each others arms and just be. That had been the entire purpose in their meet up - one last time- but for some reason, the harsh reality of that had only just hit. Magnus was kind of glad, he thought if they'd have made love that final time with that feeling hanging in the air, it would all have been so much less enjoyable, so much darker.
"Then just know this, Alexander," Magnus's voice was strong and honest as he spoke, knowing the meaning of his words, he spoke with no less pride when he said, "I am in love with you, more deeply than even I knew. But this is the last chance I have to tell you, so I just want you to know that. You deserve to know that - I...I love you."
The words hit Alec in a way he couldn't describe. They were everything he had feared, yet everything he had wanted so much. It meant more than he had really anticipated. To be in love was a magical thing, but also a serious thing. Magnus was equally shaken by his confession, but he was in still in control of himself, and he still knew that he meant every word. Alec didn't doubt that either - Magnus loved him. Magnus was in love with him. It was the best and worst thing he'd ever heard and now he had heard it everything was a little bit more confusing.
He had known all along, deep down in the back of his mind - a place he often refused to listen to. The same place that had screamed the truth about him long before anyone else had, the same place that Alec shoved everything he didn't want to think about, the only place that knew the whole, pure truth about Alexander Lightwood. And right now? It was screaming words Alec didn't think he had the guts to.
That's why it was so shocking to them both when Alec's mouth opened, and the words he was forcing back escaped his lips. "I love you too."
Magnus didn't know how else to respond, so he just kissed him again. Alec moaned into the kiss, out of either lust or sadness, Magnus couldn't really tell, but either way the knowledge it was probably going to be for the last time broke his heart all that bit more.
"We could run," Magnus suggested again between their kisses. Deep down he knew that just because Alec had confessed his feelings it didn't mean he was more likely to act one them. Shadowhunters were good at controlling their emotions, or as Magnus thought of it: repressing, denying and ignoring their emotions. It still didn't stop him from hoping that maybe Alec would change his mind though.
"I wish," Alec replied, "I do. I wish with all my heart that-" He was cut off by the sound of his cell phone bleeping out. He sighed and Magnus rolled his eyes, hoping that Alec would ignore it - but no such luck. Alec reluctantly crawled out of the bed, out of the grasp of his lover, and retrieved the phone from the pocket of his jeans just seconds before it would have stopped ringing. He answered just in time.
The conversation was brief, and Alec made it clear he couldn't talk long, but all the time Magnus sat in the bed, leaning back against the headboard glaring. When Alec finally hung up, he looked lost. "What was it?" Magnus asked, knowing the answer wouldn't be what he wanted to hear, yet needing to hear it.
"Clary," Alec explained, "She...they need me. Something's up at the institute and...I can't stay Magnus." When the warlock didn't respond, Alec began gathering his clothes from the floor, pulling his underwear back on as Magnus took in the news.
"You're leaving, right now?" Magnus asked, trying to make it sink in. He looked up at Alec, pure sadness in his eyes as Alec nodded at him. He let out a cry, but no physical tears came. They'd both been aware it was the last time, they both knew they didn't have very long, but they had both wanted, nay - needed, longer. Magnus wasn't ready for him to leave just yet, but Alec didn't have a choice.
"I'm sorry," Alec said as he zipped his jeans. Magnus nodded, like he understood. He snapped his fingers, and suddenly he was fully dressed again, still in bed, still feeling like his world was in pieces, but no longer exposed.
"Me too," Magnus huffed, "Still...what can be done? We knew it was the end."
"I'm sorry," Alec repeated, going back over to the bed. Magnus shuffled closer to him and Alec sat down so that he was on level with the warlock, who hugged him from behind, resting his head on Alec's shoulder.
"There was so much I needed to say," Magnus sighed, "So much we needed to do." But now it was too late. Alec was leaving. For good.
"You can still say it," Alec said. "I mean, I love you was enough Magnus-"
"It's more than that," Magnus scoffed, cutting Alec off, "It's so much more. You're different Alexander. I thought...not that it matters. I was wrong."
"This probably won't be the last time we see each other," Alec said, trying to think positively despite the whirlwind going on his mind, "I mean..." He didn't know what he meant. Or at least he didn't want to explain it.
"Hopefully we will cross paths again," Magnus agreed, understanding, "We can't do this again...as good as it was. But I think seeing you again would be nice regardless." If not, both men knew it wasn't an experience they'd be forgetting. Not ever.
"Just make sure nobody else ever finds out about this, about us," Alec sighed.
"This is our secret," Magnus assured him, "It won't ever leave my lips, Alexander." He mimed locking his lips, which made Alec chuckle despite the sadness behind the weak attempt at humor. Alec pecked his lips, then backed towards the door, not taking his eyes of Magnus.
"I suppose this is goodbye," Alec said, raising his eyebrows. Magnus walked over and let his hand dance over Alec's cheek once more, taking in his beauty.
"I suppose it is," Magnus muttered, "But if you change your mind about marrying her, I'll be waiting, Alexander."
"And if I don't?" Alec asked, leaning forward slightly. The gentle touch of Magnus's hand on his face made his stomach bubble again, but he closed his eyes, trying to remain strong. He had a duty. He couldn't leave with Magnus, no matter how badly he wanted to.
"I'll be alright," Magnus lied. Alec knew it wasn't true, but he didn't question it. He didn't have the time, or the guts. It was probably the wisest answer Magnus could have given. "But will you?"
"I guess we'll see," Alec sighed. Their foreheads rested together and their breaths synced up. For a second, they both felt almost happy and at peace, but then, they remembered. "I need to go, Magnus."
"I know you do," The warlock said, stepping backwards, he left his hand resting on Alec's waist, the other still cupping his face. "But this is it, my love." They pressed their lips together one last time, softly, yet hard enough for both of them to feel the passion of it. "Promise me one thing, Alexander..."
"Yeah?" Alec left his face only inches apart from Magnus's, in pure adoration of his lover.
"Don't forget me," Magnus whispered.
"Never," Alec promised, and with that, they were kissing again, only this time it really was for the last time. It was harder, yet just as meaningful as the last one, and the first one, and all of those in between. Their lips felt so right together, pressing against each others like they were made for one another, and both of them were keen to make it last as long as possible. Alec was the one to pull away in the end, slowly pulling his head back up, and then biting his lips as if he already missed the feeling of Magnus's on his (which he kind of did). "Goodbye, Magnus."
"Goodbye, Alexander," Magnus replied. He wanted to say 'I love you' again. He wanted to scream it from the roof top, only he couldn't. Not anymore.
Alec gave him one final kiss, a quick peck on the forehead, before leaving for good. He closed the hotel room door behind him and didn't look back once. Magnus stared at the door, hoping and waiting for Alec to change his mind and return to him.
That didn't happen, and as much as it pained Magnus to admit to this, it broke his heart.