Work Text:
And the universe said no
But I just cannot let go
You know I'll be here
Somewhere, somewhen
Of course I still love you
Soap sat on the opposite of Gaz, who sat next to Ghost, so he explicitly didn't have to sit in front of him and look at him the whole time. But it didn't change much, he still looked at Ghost half the time and it hurt even more. He shouldn't feel this. He should ignore it. He shouldn't think about this anymore, but it was too easy to replay these memories in his mind since it hadn't been long since everything between them started, happened, and ended again.
It felt like a life time and at the same time like merely a few moments.
It could be just days ago that they first kissed, but at the same time, it could be months ago, that Price demanded on ending this. Soap couldn't trust his sense of time with this whole Ghost topic. Everything was confused, because it was too fast and too long at the same time. He couldn't track anything with this.
He slightly shook his head, to get off the thoughts about the lieutenant again and tried to concentrate on the food infront of him and the conversation Gaz had with Price. They were talking about some mission a while ago, which had been pretty easy and boring. They all had to wait out more then half of the day. It struck Soap like lightning when he realized which mission it had been they're talking about.
It was a boring mission. He and Ghost had been lying the bushes since the morning and till there was happening anything, it was almost evening. And how did they spend this whole time, besides spying? Ghost and Soap at least passed most of it by making out.
Soap could almost feel Ghosts lips on his again and his hands roaming over his gear, trying to get at least somehow a bit below all of it to feel a small bit of his naked skin under his fingers. He could hear both their gasps and sighs again in his head and how they almost missed their turn when Price finally made commands through the comms. They scrambled away from each other, still panting and tried to get back to focus immediately.
Soap swallowed and looked more concentrated on his food while he knew his face burned red right now. He ignored Price and Gaz and shoot a small look to Ghost, who noticed his look, hold his gaze for a second and then looked away. Soap knew he thought about the same. But they shouldn't. He swallowed down another bite of his food and forced himself to look back up at the others.
"Everything alright son?", Price asked and Soap nod a bit too fast. "Yeah, everything's alright." Gaz looked kinda amused and Price raised a brow. "No offense, but you look like you've got something stuck in your throat and will die in the next few seconds. Your face is red like a tomato, McTavish." He swallowed. It was so obvious. "No, everything's fine, really. No worries, Sir." And than he heard that beautiful sound he hadn't heard in a while. Ghost snorted amused and then chuckled lightly. What a traitor.
But that seemed to be the clue the others needed to understand. Gaz eyes went big and Price looked back and forth between them, before shaking his head, but not commenting on it. Ghost was the first to break the silence that rose up by knocking his hand on the table. "Gonne leave now. Need to lay down. My back hurts and everything is sore." Something you could barley hear from him, complaining about pain. But fair enough, he had been on mission for the last four days. He needed the rest.
But it just katapulted Soap back to the next memory. When Ghost had complained about pain too and decided to ask Soap for help. He still knew way too well, how panicked he had been when Ghost had asked him that and even more, when he laid below him, bis upper body nacked and laid out on the bed for Soap to work through all the knots in his muscles. He still knew how panicked he had been that Ghost might notice about his feelings or anything.
And that maybe exactly his panic was the reason why Ghost noticed that something was off. Because that made him act weirdly and looking back at it, he had been really stupid acting like that. But maybe it was good on the other side, that it happened, because otherwise they maybe wouldn't had ended up to date or whatever you wanted to call it.
"Gonna leave too", he said and stood up with Ghost in the same moment.
--- --- ---
That Soap had realised about his emotions for his Lieutenant was a few weeks ago again and now he was sitting on Ghosts lower back, since he'd asked him for a massage about half a hour ago. (Soap still couldn't come over it that he really asked him that, admitting that he would for once need help with something.) But his thoughts got carried away, about Ghosts past and the storys that were craved into his body by hundreds of scars. Instead of a strong massage, now his fingers were tracing every scar on Ghosts back with way too much gentleness, thinking about where they might come from and what had happened to Ghost to get them, until suddenly a hand catches his wrist and he looks up in surprise. "You're supposed to give me a massage, not pat my scars, from that I wont feel better", Ghost grumbled below him and Soap cleared his throat. "Sorry, Lt. Thoughts got carried away..", he mumbled and got back to his previous task in silence, trying not to think further about the history marked body below him.
He tried to concentrate on the muscles below his hands again, loosening the tense spots and getting them all soft again. His eyes still trailed over the scares, but he didn't allow his thoughts to slip away again, betraying him to Ghost about his feelings and that he was that easily distracted by him.
After a while, Ghost sighed below him relieved. "Thats great, Soap. Your hands are quite magical", he said and a grin spread on Soaps Lips. "Aye, got told that quite a few times already", he grinned and made the other huff out a laugh. "Sure you did." He continued for a bit more in silence, silently appreciating to be allowed to touch Ghosts bare skin so much, feeling every scar below his fingers and his muscles twitch from his movements. A rare opportunity he was given there. Until Ghost yawned. "Alright, I think that's enough", he said and Soap grinned again. "What, hurt's too much?", he said mockingly. "No. Never. Don't think you could ever break me, Johnny", Ghost mumbled and Soap bit his lip, to not say something stupid. Something stupid like 'not even when I tell you 'bout my feelings?' or something like that. Something that would definitely destroy everything. He should really shut his mouth.
But of course he couldn't. "That's what you say now. You never know." Ghost turned his head slightly to look at him in the corner of his eyes and Soap immediately judged himself for being so stupid. "What d'ya mean?" He cleared his throat and shook his head. "Nothing, sorry Sir. I'll shut my mouth." He finally slowly stopped his hands and got up from Ghost's back. "Is there something else I can do for you?"
"No, thank you, don't want to keep you trapped in here for the whole day, probably got better things to do", he said and Soap nod slowly. He noticed that Ghost was still glaring at him, but didn't seem to plan on saying something else. "Always happy to help ye Sir. Never got better things to do." Ghost slowly sat up again, stretching his tired limbs and looked at Soap with a raised eyebrow.
"Sorry.. I didn't.. uhm", he tried not to stare at Ghosts bare chest, before he pulled his Shirt back over his head and instead looked away. "Just meant you can always ask me for help, that's it." "Thank you, Johnny. But really, that's it for now, you can go." He nod, faster than necessary and turned around to leave, a bit too fast to his liking, but couldn't slow his steps too. There was something in Ghosts eyes he couldn't read, wasn't it? Or was he making up things again? But what was it? Not exactly affection, but still somehow something soft. Soap just couldn't really name it.. He shook his head while walking back to his own room. He should really Stop thinking about it, he was probably just making up stuff anyway.
--- --- ---
"Would you join me for a Cig?", Ghost asked while they walked out of the mess hall. Soap considered for a moment, but then nodded. He said they still will be best friends and he wanted that. The internal struggles he had with his own feelings were his problem, not Ghosts, so he shouldn't start making them his problems.
They walked out in silence and Soap took one of Ghost's cigarettes as he offered them. They lit them, and there was still silence for the first drag of the cigarettes. "You really missed something there at the rookie training yesterday.. Was really funny watching them try and fail." Soap couldn't suppress the small grin spreading on his lips. It was a talk they had often usually.
Usually, before they didn't talk about that anymore and instead settled on making out behind a house. When Ghost used 'Smoking a cigarrete' for a few minutes of him pressing Soap against a house wall, the only sound not talking but the desperate sighs and heavy breaths leaving their mouths. With a swallow, Soap tried to shake off the memories again. He shouldn't think about that anymore.
"Maybe next time I'll have the pleasure again. You know I love watching you torturing the rookies", he grinned and Ghost laughed. "Maybe next time I'll make you join them, so you'll have to suffer too." Soap now grinned brightly and punched against Ghost's shoulder in a friendly way. "Naahhh, watching is enough. Got tortured enough here."
At that Ghost remains silent for a moment and Soap just then realizes that it was probably understood very differently from what he meant. "Sorry, I didn't mean..", he started but Ghost interrupted him. "It's better if we don't talk about it, I think." He just nodded and then they remained silent again. While smoking in silence, Ghost stared at unknown distances, while Soap couldn't stop himself from staring at Ghost.
He always looked so serious. But Soap knew him better and different. Soap could read his eyes, could see, what he was thinking right now, about them, about what he lost, what they both lost in each other. He knew Ghosts eyes better than anybody else. Soap knew him below this mask. And not only his face, he knew him, beneath the mask he was wearing every day besides that cloth mask hiding his face. There is this other mask, hiding his true self barely anybody knew. But Soap did. He had access to the person beneath all that, to Simon Riley. But even that was over again, mostly. Because even though they agreed on staying friends, they both kept a guard again now, building walls around their feelings, to never let any like that happen again. It was for the better. For them and their team.
Ghost was the first to finish his cigarette and didn't seem to want to wait for Soap. He threw away the end of it and turned to leave. But for a short moment he stopped, hesistated and looked Soap in the eyes. Soap saw his longing and the way Ghost missed him, he felt the same. They had everything so close and still, they shouldn't get it. It was the best they had and everything they couldnt have. "Good night, McTavish." Then he was gone.
Forget it, and bury it, can't bare it and I get it
I just lost the best of you
--- --- --- ---
It was one of the rare moments of silence, where nothing was waiting for them and they could be completly calm. The base was still silent, the Sun just slowly going up over the edge of the horizon, bathing everything in a golden shimmer with the first sunbeams. Soap savoured every second of it, because it wasn't something they had often, such a moment for themselves where they could be sure nobody would interrupt them.
Ghost laid in front of him on his bed and looked at him with soft eyes no one else would ever get to see from him. The gold of the sun giving his blue eyes a beautiful glow that made Soap smile. He couldn't stop himself from raising his hand and tracing his fingers gently over Ghosts cheek and the scars there. "Yer bonnie, my love", he whispered and Ghost closed his eyes with a content smile, enjoying every touch from Soap as he continued tracing his scars. The soft, gentle touch made Ghost drift back in to a half sleep state, barley noticing anything around him anymore except of Soaps presence and his touch. His face relaxed more and more and Soap knew he should savour this moment in the back of his mind forever because he didn't know when would be the next time they'd have a moment like this together.
Ghosts steady breath tickled his wrist, before he let his hand wander up to stroke through his blonde locks. Seeing Ghost so calm made Soaps heart ache to stay here for ever, in this exact moment. He knew as soon as they would leave this room again, everything would be as usual, Ghost would get back to be the serious Lieuteanant, hiding most of his expressions behind his mask and resort to mostly grumbles and other noises for communication.
There was so much he could say to Ghost right now, so much he'd like to say. But all he could do was stare at him. At his beautiful, calm, face. He was so struck again by the fact that Ghost choose to let him get close. Choose to open up to Soap, let him in, getting access to his feelings and thoughts and being open about it. He couldn't believe Ghost loved him. Alone the thought made his heart beat faster, even though it wasn't new, it wasn't less surprising every time he thought about it and didn't affect him less.
I touched your scars, played with your hair
I held your hands, all I could do was stare
There was nothing I could say
That could have made you stay
And how's the heart, beating there?
Chance we had, guess no more there
There is something I can do
Let me fix me back to you
Build me back to you
Because I still love you
--- --- --- ---
Weeks passed and Soap tried his best. He locked down his feelings. Acted as silly as he always did. He tried his best to build back this friendship with Ghost, to have everything like it was before. And mostly, it worked. In some situations they moth noticed the weird tension between them, but neither did mention it. Because it was now the dead topic, the thing they shouldn't talk about.
And sometimes, when he couldn't bare it for a moment, he left. It wasn't Ghost or his presence beside him. It wasn't his laughter anymore or the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled below the mask. It wasn't even the gentle clasps on his shoulders or the hits with his fist against his arm. It was the fact that he was to blame for the fact that there couldn't be anything more between them. It was his fault, that they had to end this. To burie their feelings and to leave it all behind. Including a small part of his heart, but he wouldn't mention or even admit that.
Just did declare the death of it
Just to be clear, the death of me.
Ghost didn't seem to think about it too much anymore, but that could be just Soaps impression, because he didn't realize what was really happening behind this mask, behind those beautiful eyes. But at the same time he knew, Ghost was just hiding. Because all of this hadn't just meant something for Soap. It had meant something for both of them and Soap knew that, deep down.
But besides the cracks this left in both of them, everything went well. With every passing day better that the day before. They could smoke a cigarette together again without a awkward silence taking in the space between them. Soap could crack one stupid joke after another again and hit his fist against Ghosts shoulder in a friendly way. They could talk again. Even without mentioning feelings or getting emotional. They were best friends again.
And then there was the day they prepared for a mission. They all knew it would be a tricky mission where it would be huge luck if not one of them would get hurt or killed. Soap prepared everything to be ready and was still more nervous than he had been in a very long time. And e noticed that it wasn't just him. It was everyone around him, too. Not one of them was calm about the upcoming mission and it made him even more nervous. There is a lot at stake on that mission and they just couldn't fail.
Soap was just done packing in his room when it knocked. "Come in", he called and turned around just in time to see Ghost close the door behind himself. "McTavish", he greeted and Soap couldn't help but straighten his back on the use of his Name. "Lieutenant." They looked at each other for a few seconds, before Ghost looked away. "Ready to go?" "Yes, Sir." "Alright. Were leaving in 10." Soap nod and grabbed his stuff, shuffling it on his back and walks up to Ghost and the door. "Then let's leave."
He just passed Ghost, when his voice stopped him again. "Johnny?", it was barley more than a whisper and that made him stop in his tracks and look up again. "Yeah?" Ghost looked at him with this intense look. Like he could read his mind or wanted to burn the image of Soap right into his brain. Maybe he was trying to exactly do that.
"I know we silently agrred on never talking about that again." Soap swalloed and stared at Ghost waiting for him to continue. "But.. this mission feels different than usual. Something is in the air and everyone feels it. I know that." Ghosts hand found Soaps and he realized he didn't wear a glove. It was his bare hand. His skin he hadn't felt in weeks on his own.
"Take care of yourself out there Johnny. Please. I know it's not meant to be, not here. But maybe someday. It's written in the stars. Maybe someday we can find a way." Soap couldn't do anything more but stare at Ghost and hold his hand as tight as possible, because he was scared he would let go again faster than Soap would like it. He swallowed.
"I'll be here, Ghost, always. All of my days and will be waiting to fix this. Fix me back to you. To make Price trust me again and to fix what I had destroyed. To be able to be with you again." Ghosts eyes looked sad, but he nod. "You know I'll be here too. All of my days. Because I just cannot let go. No matter what kind of act we're playing here that it's over." Soap nod in agreement and for a second they just stared at each other in silence.
"We should leave", Ghost finally broke the silence and Soap nod. But before Ghost could let go of his hand he grabbed it one last time a bit tighter. "You know I love you." And Ghost nod, before he finally let go and they left the room in silence. This was a conversation for the two of them annd would never leave the four walls of Soaps room. They had a mission to complete now.
It's written in the stars
I promised, there we are
And you know I'll be there
Always, all of my days
You know I love you
Let me fix me back to you
Because I still love you
Let me build me back to you
Of course I still love you