Chapter Text
The familiar ringtone sounded, startling Jeremy from his minimal sleep. He rubbed his eyes and checked the time. Twelve minutes past 2 a.m. He came home late in the night after Exy practice ran longer than he expected to. Between that and the time it took to drive home, Jeremy thought he would have roughly five hours of sleep before needing to leave for morning practice and classes.
Flipping his phone open, a message appeared: U awake?
Sighing, Jeremy knew that he should ignore it. He knew that he shouldn’t indulge. He knew that Leo was only a grotesque drug who he can’t quit. He knew, but he also knew that he couldn’t stop. Jeremy rubbed his eyes once more as he sat up in bed, contemplating.
Then deciding: yes.
Good.
Jeremy stared at the simple word, calculating the time. He only had less than two hours to make it over to Leo’s, do what he needed to do, and get back home.
Onw. B there in 20.
He hurriedly put on his clothes: Gold shorts, a red tank top, and his yellow hoodie. Cat said his fashion sense is appalling, but he wore Trojan colors. Exactly, how bad could his sense of fashion be?
Then he thought of someone who frowned every time he saw Jeremy in his golden shorts. A smile spread along his face when he thought of him, then quickly disappeared as he silently stepped out into the dark hallway. He slowly tiptoed down the stairs and slipped out the front door. As soon as he did, the tone sounded.
Hurry. Not waiting much longer.
His chest knotted when he saw the text. Jeremy sucked in the warm California air to rid the knotting, though it didn’t help. It didn’t work. It never worked. Slipping his phone into his pocket, he began jogging, feeling the breeze glide through his bleached hair. His roots were growing out. Laila’s been nagging him to get them touched up and to get a hair cut in general. He didn’t have time. He barely have time anymore now that midterms are coming up and the team needing him more than ever. He promised her it will happen before November, before a particular day.
The run didn’t take long to bring him up to Leo’s house. The car appeared next to the curb. Jeremy took everything in his power to not roll his eyes at the reminder. The symbolic nature of this car should be enough for Jeremy to call what he and Leo had a quits.
But who else would want me?
Jeremy climbed the rose covered fence and up to Leo’s window. A small hesitation appeared, once again considering. What is there to consider? Who else? He knocked on the window and Leo immediately opened it. “About damn time.”
“Told you I’ll be here in twenty. Im here in twenty.” He slipped into the room, and as soon as he did, Leo’s hand grabbed the collar of his shirts and planted a sharp kiss onto his mouth.
“I don’t care.” Jeremy pulled Leo to his bed with an exhausted smile on his face. Leo didn’t care. He never cared when Jeremy was tired. This… whatever this was… is always on his time. Only when he wanted to. Jeremy should stop, but he knew he couldn’t. ‘Who else?’ They became more fierce as Jeremy took Leo’s shirt off and leaned him further into the bed.
—
Jeremy came home a quarter past 4 a.m., giving him no more time to sleep. Because of Leo’s call, he did not have enough time to get ready, so he was on the road at 4:30. Coffee in one hand as he attempted to focus on the road. A yawn escaped from his lips, thinking about what transpired just an hour and a half prior. He could still feel Leo’s lips running down his arms and stomach. The way he attacked Jeremy’s neck with a sense of craving. He could still feel the whispers of demands in his ears.
He groaned at what happened, wishing he could have said no instead. Wishing that he had just a couple more hours of sleep. Why couldn’t he just say no?
Because it’s what he deserves.
Jeremy hit the wheel then immediately regretted it. Instantly calming his nerves down and bringing his attention back onto the road. His thoughts slipped once more, but not to Leo. Instead to the LSAT guidebook that weighed heavy in his passenger seat, then the French book that he recently bought. Both lingered in his mind. He should really study more since his test is coming up soon, but he also in desperate need to practice French. He had a specific goal in mind before November, and he didn’t know if he could make it.
Both books sat in his mind for the rest of the drive, along with the large travel mug of coffee in his hand.
Once making it to the Sunshine court, Jeremy rushed inside and got his armor ready. As soon as he opened his locker door, he heard someone call his name. Turning around, he saw Xavier with an addictive smile on his face, causing Jeremy to smile.
“Xavier. Hey!” Despite his lingering exhaustion, his smile glowed brightly when facing his co-captain.
“Woah. How much did you sleep last night, Jeremy? Late night?”
“Jean and his drills with the freshman. Cat and Laila needed to check on Jabberwocky, so I stayed to take him back there once the drills are done.” He sighed, which ended with a chuckle. Jeremy admired Jean’s dedication to these practices. Instead of focusing on his LSAT guidebooks, he couldn’t help to watch Jean work with his freshman. Even the thought made him smile.
Xavier nodded, accepting Jeremy’s excuse. “And what time did you get home?” Jeremy nodded, then proceeded to put his armor on. “Those practices don’t take long.”
”I got distracted with Jabberwocky when I dropped Jean off. You know I can’t resist him. Got him another shark!” This was completely the truth from Jeremy. He did stay a little longer than predicted with them, but not too long that he got home much later than normal.
“Oh you got him a new Shark? Let me guess, you named it?”
Jeremy’s smile grew larger with sheer excitement. “Wellington.” Xavier laughed as they both walked out to the court.
—
By the end of practice, Jeremy finished up showing then sat down in the inner court, rubbing his eyes once more. His first class didn’t start until 11, which gave him about an hour and a half to relax and possibly nap. Only one problem: His mind buzzed. He pulled out the LSAT guidebook and the French book, then set them in front of him. A finger tapped on the LSAT guidebook in a chaotic rhythm as he attempted to motivate himself to open the textbook.
After a solid minute, he pushed it to the side and grabbed the French book, flipping it to the recent page he had marked. A small note was scribbled in the margins, and a smile grew on his face as he read. He pulled out his French notebook and began to scribble when he heard the inner court door open. Immediately closing the notebook and tucking it away in his bag, Jeremy looked over to see Cat and Jean making their way towards him.
“Jeremy!” Cat yelled out, then grabbed onto Jean’s elbow to tug him towards him. Jean didn’t to seem anywhere pleased by this sudden movement, but allowed Cat to pull him anyway. “I have to show you this picture. I was going to send it last night buutt I wanted to see your face.”
Jeremy put his things into his bag and stood up. A brief glance over at Jean told him everything he needed to know. Jean was not happy by whatever this picture was. Jeremy chuckled slightly under his breathe, his exhaustion beginning to take over even more now.
“Okay.”
Cat flipped open her phone and immediately turned the screen to Jeremy. The photo was of Jean sitting on their new couch, holding Jabberwocky up. The duo stared at each other with a serious look, as if they were readying to spar each other. The light encapsulated both of them, creating a golden halo over Jean’s hair. His eyes seemed lighter than usual, nearing white. Jeremy took Cat’s phone to get a closer look, warmth flooded him. “Oh. Jean. I told you you’ll warm up to him!”
Jean muttered something that sounded like “Little Beast” under his breath. Jeremy gave the phone back to Cat. “Does he like Wellington?”
“You know? Jabberwocky is much like Jean. He doesn’t like much.” Cat said. Jean gave her a look then crossed his arms.
“Why name it Wellington? You do not need to name a dog toy.” Jean said.
Jeremy shrugged. “Thought it was fun! Hey, don’t you have class?”
Jean nodded then looked over at Cat who was trying her best not to focus on him. “I told Cat that we have no business showing you such picture. Catalina was too… exciteable.” He slowly said the last word, annunciating each syllable. Jeremy’s heart lurched out of his chest as he heard Jean’s Mersaille accent dance out of his mouth. He paused slightly in near awe when Cat suddenly bounce up on her heels in springy action.
“Time to get you to class! Hey, you. It’s Friday. Coming to our place tonight?”
Jeremy looked over at Cat and smiled a more tired smile than he would like. “Of course. Might even bring Jabberwocky another shark.”
“That beast has enough dog toys, no thanks to you.”
“The more the merrier! Plus, now you can’t lie and say you don’t like Jabberwocky.” Jean rolled his eyes and turned to make his way out of the inner court. Cat went to follow him then turn towards Jeremy, a soft look appeared on her face that screamed ‘You need rest.’ “I got about an hour til class, so I’ll nap. Promise.” She nodded then bounced over to Jean who was standing by the door with his arms crossed over his blue shirt.
Jeremy waved as they walked through the door, then dropped his hand suddenly to the side. A yawn escaped from him without warning. He leaned his forehead against the cool plexiglass, his eyes closed desperate for rest.
How many more nights?
How many more nights will he keep doing this to himself?
Many sleepless nights filled with secret languages every time he hears that ringtone. Many nights he sacrificed parts of himself for the exact thing he did not need. What else was he supposed to do? It was either this or going back to his old self. Jeremy did not deserve any better than this. Yet, he craved something more. He craved for those gentle grey eyes to cross him the way they look at rainbows. He craved the gentle way those hands cradle his chin. He craved the protection that could go beyond Exy partners.
Jeremy craved what he didn’t deserve.
He craved the very thing he felt guilty for craving.
His forehead slid down the plexiglass as he almost fell off balance. Quickly grabbing the wall to rebalance himself, Jeremy hadn’t realized he started to fall asleep while standing up. By this point, Jeremy could only chuckle at his ridiculousness. He was the one who chose to go over to Leo instead of saying no, so he should suffer the consequences. This is what he deserves, not anything else.
Pushing off the wall, he decided to nap in the locker room, finding that his energy was zapped. Jeremy dragged his feet and clenched his jaw to keep focus on the goal: The locker room.
His eyes closed as soon as he sprawled across the bench, but his thoughts rattled his brain. The incessant need to learn a new secret language wrapped around his brain until exhaustion. The last thing he saw was the picture Cat showed him of Jean and Jabberwocky. A soft smile formed for merely a moment before he officially let reality go.
—
Practice ended at a reasonable time, and it took Jeremy loads of convincing Jean to not have Raven drills practice. Jean was resistant, but Jeremy was resilient and soon was able to get his way. Now, the two of them, Cat, and Laila sat in the kitchen of their apartment. Cat and Jean were making a new dish that Jean never made before. Jeremy, of course, was not allowed anywhere near the food or the kitchen utensils.
“Come on! I can help chop an onion!” As soon as Jeremy said this, Cat threw a head of broccoli at his head. “Hey! What’s that for?”
“The day I allowed you into the kitchen is the day that the whole world burns, and you know it. Now sit there and look pretty while we finish cooking.” Cat looked over at Laila with a soft look. “Of course, not as pretty as you, my darling.”
Laila sent an air kiss over to Cat. Jeremy watched the love between his friends grow beautifully between them. A faint part of him wondered if he would ever have this. If Leo would ever allow him to have what Cat and Laila have. Jeremy quickly erased the thought from mind, knowing the answer for this. Knowing that his family would not have it. Knowing that even Leo would not want this. His language was only meant to be kept secret.
Jabberwocky scratched at Jeremy’s leg. He immediately hopped off the stool and picked up the dog. “Oh who is a good dog? Who is a good dog? You are!” He smiled into the fur on Jabberwocky’s back, hugging him tight.
“Truly a man’s best friend.” He heard Laila’s voice say, causing him to slowly looked up at his friend. “Oh, Jeremy! Did Cat show you the picture we took of Jean?”
“Not this.” Jean said, Cat giggled behind him.
“I told him that him and Jabberwocky would become best friends.” Jeremy kept Jabberwocky to his chest, almost to anchor him.
“He didn’t tell you? Wait… That’s about right. Cat didn’t tell you?” Laila’s tone sounded in disbelief. Jeremy cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. “He doesn’t want anyone to know, but he would let Jabberwocky sleep in his bed some nights. Not all, but some. It’s always a battle though. Talking to him, trying to convince Jab to get off his bed.”
“Jab always win!”
Jeremy looked at Jean, who suddenly seemed even more interested in chopping the potatoes perfectly. Jean refused to look up at anyone, but his eyes seemed to grow more narrowed as he focused on the precision of each chop. Instead of saying anything, Jeremy gave a small laugh then put Jabberwocky onto the ground. As he did so, a familiar ringtone bubbled into the air. His heart lurched into place, but instead of reacting, he proceeded to pet Jabberwocky on his head.
“That’s a new ringtone. Someone important?” Laila asked.
Jeremy straightened up. “I can check later. Not any of the Trojans or my family. It can wait.” Laila seemed to accept that answer then proceeded to finish her schoolwork.
Then the ringtone went off again. Jeremy ignored it, but Laila already had her eyes over at him. Not saying a word, they both had a silent conversation. In the corner of his eyes, Cat looked between them then proceeded to grab Jean’s potatoes.
The ringtone went off once more, then Laila quickly went for the phone as soon as Jeremy did. Unfortunately, she was much faster and much closer than him. She flipped open the phone, barely looked at the name before looking at Jeremy with wide eyes.
“I thought you weren’t speaking to him.” Jeremy didn’t respond, only staring with tensed eyes. Any sort of rebuttal escaped his mind. “Jeremy?”
“We talk sometimes. It’s not anything serious.” He said as his heart thundered away in his chest. Laila did not by it.
“How long?” Jeremy did not respond. She tossed his phone back onto the counter and slid of the stool. “Leo wants to meet up again tonight.” Every sound that had existed in the apartment abruptly stopped. Cat stared at Jeremy with her mouth slightly agaped. Jeremy still had no words, no feelings except for regret.
Regret for allowing this to happen.
Regret.
“Laila.” He said, wanting to be stern but finding his voice too small to be such. Too regretful. “It’s seriously nothing.”
They stared at one another in silent conversation once more. Her arms crossed over her chest. “You do realize he took a car over you, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then why Jeremy? Why are you fucking someone who chose a car over you?” He stayed silent, not knowing how to answer. Finding the answer to be much too complicated. She threw her hands up. “Call me when dinner is ready. I’m going to shower real quick.” Laila grabbed her stuff then walked over to Jeremy, wrapped her free arm around his waist and kissed his cheek. “Don’t answer it, okay? Please?”
Before he could answer, she walked off. Jeremy stood there, dejected.
A moment later, he said, “I’ll be back. I’m going to step out.” Before either could say, Jeremy slipped out of the apartment, quickly down the stairs, and to his car for the cigarettes.
One hand held a lit cigarette and the other held his phone. Jeremy sat on the curb, sucking in the harmful smoke and staring down at his phone. The screen blinked with two notifications. Should he or should he not? Laila didn’t want him to. Hell, Jeremy didn’t even want himself to open the notifications. The cigarette dangled from his lips, burning into incineration as he stared. Stared. Stared.
The door of the complex opened behind him. Instead of looking, he kept staring down at the phone. The person coming out of the complex stood next to him for a lingering moment before deciding to sit next to him. The familiar scent wafted in the light breeze, though quickly overshadowed by the smell of cigarette smoke.
Jeremy did not bother to look over. Either out of shame or out of regret.
“Look at me.” Jean said. Jeremy did not. The cigarette slowly burned away into nothing. Before it did, he sucked on it once more and blew the smoke out of his nose.
As if on cue, Jean grabbed his chin and turned his head to him. Jeremy couldn’t bare to look Jean in the eyes, so he looked at a space on the ground. A piece of trash fluttered around, inching towards the road. Jean took the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it onto the ground. Jeremy still didn’t look at Jean, still ashamed of himself.
“Jeremy.” He said in his accented voice that always made Jeremy melt. He couldn’t help it. His eyes shifted over to Jean without him wanting to. Sad piercing grey eyes scanned over his. Jean did not say a word, but his eyes said everything.
“It means nothing.” Jeremy suddenly said like he needed an explanation.
”Does it?” Jean asked.
Silence. Brown eyes meeting grey. Jeremy did not know what to say or how to answer. Nothing came from him. Was what he had with Leo truly meaningless sex? or did the sex have the wrong meaning behind it?
“I… I don’t know.” Jeremy pulled away from Jean’s piercing stare, then put his head into his hands. Slow inhale. Slow exhale. His heart thundered into his throat. there was no facing Jean right now.
“Jeremy.”
“I don’t know Jean.” Jeremy said a little to rough. He looked at Jean, his eyebrows knitted. The need for another cigarette bubbled in his throat. Sex or cigarettes or… “I don’t know.” This time, he said it much softer.
“You promised me honesty. Why are you hurting yourself if you do not know?”
The question took Jeremy by surprise. Jean isn’t wrong that they had a promise. The more he learned about Jean, the more Jean can learn about Jeremy. But… how is he supposed to answer that question?
More like how can Jeremy face his truth?
An odd sound appeared deep in his throat and his jaw clenched out of frustration for himself. “It’s the only way…” he said it softly, afraid. “It’s the only way someone can love me.”
Jeremy went to look away, feeling the tears sting in his face, but Jean usurped his chin to bring him back. “Do not run away from me, Jeremy.”
Jeremy’s eyes widened, but he said not a damned thing.
“You do not deserve this.”
Jeremy went to back away. He wanted to not face this. He craved him but knew he didn’t deserve this kind of love.
“No.” Jean said, and Jeremy stopped. Out of instinct? Out of the need to provide? Like he always did for everyone?
The familiar ringtone went off into a phone call. Jeremy quickly grabbed his phone to answer it, but Jean slapped it away. Jeremy went to grab it, but Jean was too fast. Jean immediately answered and said, “He does not want to talk to you.” Then hung up.
Jeremy froze into place. “Why did you do that?”
Jean looked over at him with an indifferent look, one that showed no regrets. “He does not deserve someone like you. You deserve someone who respects and care for you, Jeremy.”
Jeremy did not know what to say. He just kept staring, then without thinking, he shook his head in disbelief. “No.” He went to get up, but Jean quickly grabbed his elbow. “Jean…” He looked into those brilliant grey eyes. Whatever he wanted to say next died in his throat. The only thing he could say was a somber and weak, “P-please.”
Jean did not move his hand from Jeremy’s elbow, and Jeremy stayed frozen into place. His whole body trembled from fear.
These past four years, he learned how to be silent. He learned secret languages to communicate with, but they never lasted. They never were allowed to last. These languages only lasted for as long as Jeremy was needed before they tossed him out into the road. Then, he’s forgotten until the next time they need to be pleasured by him. It’s a cycle.
One he grew tired of.
“I…” The words got stuck in his throat, so he coughed. Then coughed again. Then once more, but this time it sounded more like a sob. “I’m so exhausted.” A pained look flash across his face that Jean did not miss. He quickly stood up and quickly wrapped his arms around Jeremy.
Jeremy did not know what to do. First, he was confused. Then calm. Then scared. Feelings flushed through him as he tried to figure out what to do.
“Say it after me.” Jean said carefully chosen words, slowly so that Jeremy could understand in French. “It is not what you deserve. Jeremy.”
A harsh breath quickly entered his lungs and the trembling took over his whole body. Jean stood there like a brick wall for Jeremy to hold himself up. The words caught in his throat, tasting like acid, feeling like nails. How could he say it? Is it the truth? The truth stood in front of him, but it was so hard to grasp.
The truth hugged him, but it felt impossible to grasp.
“Say it.”
Or was it impossible to grasp? Could he allow himself? Did he deserve it?
Jeremy stood there in silence for a rather long time… then finally said in minimal French. “It is not what I deserve.”