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“Maya?” Maya had been getting more quiet the longer the evening was going on. They had been out for dinner and it started well. Or Carina thought it went well. But she felt like Maya was bored. Or tired. Carina couldn’t put her fingers on it. Maya felt withdrawn, like she wasn’t really present. Alarm bells went on in Carina’s head. This felt like Maya was pulling back from her again.
Maya stopped walking and turned around to face her. She was smiling, but her eyes were guarded. Carina took a few more steps towards her and stopped a few steps away from her wife. Maya couldn’t look at her directly, she avoided her eyes and looked over Carina’s shoulder instead. “I feel like you’re pulling away from me.” They have become better at communicating and have been to therapy together. Still sometimes Carina found it hard to control her temper and not to snap at Maya. Maya’s eyes snapped to hers and she was really looking at her for the first time that evening. She felt like her wife was studying her very hard and held eye contact. Maya finally seemed to sag into herself and walked backwards the last few steps to the car. She sat down on the hood of the Porsche and Carina would have said something about it, if Maya hadn’t looked so defeated. “Bambina?”
This time Maya didn’t look up. Her hand flexed on the hood, but she didn’t say anything. Carina sat down next to her and waited. She felt like this was going to be heavier and more serious than she thought.
Maya was chewing on her lip, flexing her fingers on the metall. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be touched or not. She had been pretending to be okay for weeks now and it was just too hard tonight. It was supposed to be a good evening, a quiet dinner at their favourite restaurant. But Maya had been overwhelmed before they even entered and despite trying to stay in the moment, she had spiralled deeper. Overwhelmed with the noise in the restaurant and the lights. Of course Carina had noticed, her wife was nothing if not observant and sensitive to Maya’s moods.
They sat in silence while Maya built the courage to say what she wanted to say. She tried forming a sentence in her head, to explain everything that was going on. The silence felt heavy and she could feel Carina shift next to her and decided that saying something, even if it wasn’t a full blown explanation was better than saying nothing.
“I want to die.”, she blurted out. She could feel Carina stiffen up next to her. She didn’t mean to say it that bluntly, but she thought that to just get it out there was better than the heavy silence. But the silence now seemed heavier and Maya just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. She held her breath and looked up at the stars, but the tears wouldn’t stop falling. Carina shifted and put her hand on Maya’s leg. It was clear that this wasn’t what she had expected. Maya was scared she would leave, that this was the final straw for her.
“We can talk all night if you want to.” Maya released all the air in her lungs in relief. The tears were falling more heavily now and her lower lip was wobbling. She tried taking a few deep breaths, but it didn’t work. “Do you want to stay here or go home?”, Carina asked, loosely holding her wife’s hand. Her voice was shaking and when Maya looked over there were tears in Carina’s eyes. A wave of guilt and shame came over her. She made Carina cry. Why couldn’t she just have kept her mouth shut? Now this burden was no longer just hers to carry.
“Maya!” The grip on her hand was suddenly tighter than before. Her eyes snapped up to Carina’s. Her breathing was accelerated, her palms sweaty and her eyes wide. “Look at me, bambina. Eyes only on me. Good. Breathe.” Carina took some exaggerated breaths until Maya was able to follow her. “Good.” Maya tried to pull away, but Carina held on and gave a barely noticeable shake of the head. “Let’s go home, okay?” Maya couldn’t fight her and just nodded, numbly. Carina helped her in the car, then got in herself. They drove in silence, Maya was looking out of the window, feeling the tears in her eyes.
“Bambina? We’re home. Can you get out of the car for me?” Maya didn’t move for a moment, she had to convince herself to do so. Carina waited next to her patiently and only moved when Maya got out of the car.
They walked to their house in silence, Carina didn’t know what to say and Maya was just stuck in her own head. Without a complaint she let herself be led to the bedroom. It was their safe space and Carina though she would be most comfortable there.
“Do you want to get changed?” Maya nodded mutely and started taking off her clothes. Carina put out one of her own shirts and some soft shorts. Maya stared at them, her hands were trembling and the tears in her eyes were back. She didn’t understand why Carina was still so nice to her. Still wanted to take care of her when she was so broken. “Come on, my love.” Carina tried to help her put the shirt on, but Maya took a step back.
“You don’t have to help me out of pity. You can leave now. I know you don’t like my chaos. It’s okay.” She didn’t look at Carina, her body was tight, her fists clenched.
“What? Maya, no. I’m not helping you out of pity. I’m helping you because I love you. Because I want to have you in my life. I’m sorry you think it’s not that. Please let me help you. You are my best friend and I need you around.” She took a careful step forward and when Maya didn’t flinch away, she took her hand. “Please bambina. Let me help. I want to help you in any way I can.” They held eye contact until Maya nodded. Carina helped her into the shirt and Maya pulled on the shorts. “Do you need anything?” The blonde shook her head and just laid down on the bed on top of the covers. “Come on, let’s get you under the covers.” Maya didn’t fight her, but didn’t help her, either. Carina was getting more worried by the minute. Her wife was just staring at the ceiling, not moving or acknowledging her. Biting her lip she turned away and went to the kitchen. She wanted to get some tea and chocolate and also the weighted blanket from the cupboard to try and help Maya as much as she could. Once the water was boiling, she took the cup and the chocolate back to the bedroom. Her wife had turned around and first Carina thought she had fallen asleep, but then she saw her shoulders shaking and heard her sobs.
Carina climbed on the bed immediately and hugged Maya from behind. At first she stiffened up, but then she turned around and clung on to her wife. She was sobbing violently into her shoulder, mumbling “I’m sorry” over and over. Carina held her close, one hand at her neck and one on her back. She didn’t try to shush her, but just let her cry it out. Knowing that she was never allowed to really express her feelings, she just allowed her to cry for as long as she needed.
Half an hour later the sobs had quieted down to sniffles, but she still clung on to Carina as if she never wanted to let her go again. When Carina moved, she whined and clung on tighter.
“I’m not leaving, bambina. I brought you tea. You should drink something. Do you want some tea? It’s probably cold now.” Maya nodded against her chest and sat up slowly. She was hiccuping slightly and sniffled while reaching for the cup on her nightstand.
“Where are you going?”, she asked, panic evident in her voice and she moved as if to get up, too.
“I just need to pee. Then I would get the blanket and some water. I’ll be right back, okay?” She waited until Maya nodded, then rushed to the bathroom, the kitchen and living room. When she came back, Maya was curled up on her side, blanket pulled up to her ear and staring at the chocolate that she had put on the bed. Carina went to her side of the bed and put down the water on her own nightstand.
“What are you thinking about?” She stretched out on the bed and turned to Maya, who barely looked up, but stretched out a hand for Carina to grab. She held on and moved her thumb over the back of her hand. Maya was quiet for a moment longer, then sighed deeply. She pulled her hand away and put it under the blanket.
“I don’t deserve you. Or your kindness…” Carina didn’t let her finish. She moved closer and put her hand on Maya’s cheek.
“You deserve me and you deserve all the kindness in the world, my love.” Maya's lower lip wobbled and she shook her head. “Yes. You do. And if you don’t believe it right now, I will believe it for you.”
“I’m broken, Carina.”
“No Maya. You’re not broken. And you don’t need to be fixed. You are hurting. You are hurting and we will get through this together. I will help you. I will not let you go through this alone, or let you push me away.” She looked at Maya firmly until she nodded. “Good.” Carina pulled the weighted blanket over both of them and coaxed Maya to cuddle up to her. She held her close and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Try and sleep now. I’m here.”
Maya slept fitfully that night. She couldn’t really settle down and kept waking up. Thankfully Carina slept deep enough that she didn’t wake up. Only when she woke up from a nightmare with a yell around 6am did Carina wake up too.
“Shh bambina. You’re okay!” Maya held on to Carina’s arms that had encircled her. “You’re safe, I got you.” Maya was shaking uncontrollably, her vision was blurry and Carina’s voice was the only thing that came through the ringing in her ears. She could feel herself being repositioned and leaned back against her wife. Carina took deep breaths while holding her close to make it easy for Maya to follow. It didn’t take long for her to do so.
Maya sat up a little and sighed.
“I’m sorry for waking you up.” She moved a hand over her face. Carina shook her head.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I want you to wake me up when you’re not okay.”
“I know.” They sat in silence, their breathing and an occasional hiccup from May were the only noises in the room.
“I think…” Maya took a deep breath. “I think I want to call Diane.” She could see some of the tension leave Carina’s body.
“I didn’t want to suggest it, but I was hoping you would.” Maya leaned in for a kiss. They were interrupted by Carina’s grumbling stomach. Maya snorted.
“Maybe we’ll feed you first?” Carina smiled a little shyly.
“I’ll make food and you call Diane, okay?”
A little later they were sitting on the sofa with some scrambled eggs on toast. Maya had made an appointment with Diane and was now picking at her food.
“Can you eat a little?” Maya looked over at her wife’s pleading face.
“I’m not hungry.” She could feel Carina sigh more than she could hear her. “I’m sorry.” Carina shook her head.
“No, you don’t have to be sorry. Do you want anything else?” She could see that Maya was taken aback at the offer, but Carina just wanted her to be okay.
“I’d like a smoothie.” Maya’s voice was barely audible, but Carina could hear her, because they were sitting so close together. Without another comment, she got up, pressed a kiss to her wife’s head and took her plate. She had learned and perfected the way to make a smoothie the way Maya liked it.
“Here you go, bambina.” She hated how much Maya seemed to have shrunk into herself. She took the glass and started drinking it. Carina sat down next to her and ate Maya’s eggs. They were cold, but she didn’t mind. Once Maya had finished the whole glass, she leaned against Carina and pulled a blanket over herself. Carina put an arm around her and turned on The Lion King. Maya was fidgeting under the blanket. “Amore, why don’t you text Diane now and ask her to call you back once she has the time?” Maya nodded and grabbed her phone, writing a quick text to Diane. After that she was able to settle back down. They enjoyed the movie and their day off.
Diane offered an appointment the very next day, Maya knew that she probably squeezed her in due to the topic. Despite Maya’s protests, Carina had taken the day off, but promised to stay in the other room.
“So, Maya. Want to tell me why we’re here?” At first Maya clenched her jaw, not sure where to begin, but once she started talking all the words poured out. She kept talking about everything that had been on her mind for the last year. Diane listened and made notes, but let her talk.
An hour later Diane left. They made another appointment and Maya was feeling absolutely drained. She dragged herself to the bedroom and fell into bed next to Carina, who was reading a medical journal.
“Finished?” Maya nodded her head, her face in the pillow. “Do you need anything?”
“Just you.” Maya mumbled and heard Carina put the journal aside and Maya rolled over and into her arms. She knew that the way would be a long and hard one. But as long as she had Carina by her side she would be okay. They had a long talk about it and Maya had promised that she would call her immediately if she ever felt like that again.
A year later
Maya ran home after another session with Diane. In the last year she had made a lot of progress. Therapy and medication along with new, more healthy coping mechanisms helped her a lot.
“Carina, I’m home!” She closed the door behind herself and paused in the doorway. There was the heavenly smell of lasagna in the air.
“Ciao bambina.” Carina came out of the living room. Maya paused in the act of taking off her second shoe. She didn’t think she would ever get over just how beautiful her wife was, even in her casual wear and fluffy socks. “Is everything okay?” She had come a little closer and looked worried.
“Yes. Yes I’m okay, don’t worry. It was a good session. I just got lost looking at you.” Carina blushed and Maya was proud she was able to do that.
“How about you take off that second shoe and we wait for the lasagna to finish?” Maya took off her shoe immediately.
“I have to take a shower. Do you want to join me?” Carina grinned widely.
After dinner they were cuddled up on the sofa watching Top Gun. Maya insisted that it was her favourite movie, but Carina knew that it was really The Lion King. But today was a good day, so she would let her watch it and not argue.
“It’s been a year today.”, she whispered into the silence of the room. Maya looked over at her.
“It has been a year. It was time that I talked.” They smiled, then settled down again.
The journey wasn’t over, there would be hard days. But now Maya knew what to do on the days the demons came out.