Chapter Text
Growing up is never easy, but when you grow up in the shadow of your dead brother, with a mother who can barely look at you and a father who’s struggling with addiction, it’s definitely a little harder than most. And for Evan Buckley-Nash, that’s the hand he was dealt. Evan had always known that he had a brother, who died. His dad, Bobby, had always been honest with him. His mom tried to lie about it. She never wanted to mention Daniel, but Bobby thought Evan deserved to know the truth. That he came into the world, and his big brother adored him.
When Daniel was 5 years old, he started getting pale. He began to complain about his body being constantly in pain and he’d bruise at the simplest touch. When he turned up to kindergarten with bruises across his arms and torso, his teacher, Ms Love, immediately presumed the worst and contacted Social Services. The social worker paid the Buckley-Nash family a visit and immediately ruled out foul play. They told the parents to take Daniel to see a Doctor. Once the Doctor had run some tests, he confirmed Bobby and Margaret’s worst fear - Daniel had Juvenile Leukemia.
Bobby and Margaret, well predominantly Bobby, tried to explain it to Daniel, and a 7 year old Maddie, in a way that wouldn’t confuse them too much. Daniel, surprisingly, took it in his stride. Maddie immediately went into caring mode. She only left Daniel’s side when she was forced. She kept him company during difficult rounds of chemotherapy, made him his favorite snacks when he was feeling sad, and just made sure he knew he was loved.
Margaret’s narcissistic traits intensified, as she made Daniel’s diagnosis into a Margaret Buckley pity party. She willingly accepted the home cooked meals from neighbors, the gift baskets filled with baked goods from colleagues and basked in the sympathetic looks she garnered when people knew her son had cancer.
Bobby didn’t fare much better. Prior to Daniel’s diagnosis, Bobby had been sober for a decade. But as soon as he found out, he relapsed. He stayed sober enough to not be caught at work and not rouse suspicion from Margaret, not that she’d have noticed, since it wasn’t all about her.
When Daniel’s body wasn’t responding to the chemotherapy the way they’d expected, the Doctors suggested a bone marrow donation, from a close family member. Margaret and Maddie both got tested, neither were a match. When Bobby tried to get tested, the hospital told him that due to his drinking, he wasn’t a suitable candidate and didn’t carry out the test. That left one option. If none of them were a match, they’d need to make a match. Bobby had heard all about savior children before, always saying that it was a barbaric practice but he understood the desperation. That’s why when confronted with the only hope for Daniel, he agreed quickly. It took a few weeks for everything to be prepped and then Margaret was implanted and it was a matter of waiting.
Thankfully Margaret fell pregnant straight away and when Daniel found out he was going to be a big brother, he perked up for the first time in months. He was so excited, talking about all the amazing things he’d do with his brother - he’d decided from the second he knew about the baby that it was going to be a boy. He’d taken to calling the baby “Smudge” because when he’d seen the ultrasound picture, he said it looked like a smudge on the picture. So, he was thrilled, thinking about everything he and Smudge would do together. He vowed to teach Smudge how to ride a bike, but Bobby would need to show him first, and he would teach Smudge the Puppy Dog Eyes that always, without fail, worked on Bobby and Maddie.
Eight days before Daniel’s 7th birthday, Margaret was induced and the baby was born. He had white blond hair and the brightest blue eyes, with an adorable birthmark adorning his eyebrow. The doctors quickly took the cord blood and administered the treatment for Daniel and the treatment worked - much to the relief of Margaret and Bobby. The hospital kept extra cord blood just to be safe and soon Daniel got to meet Smudge in person, it was 4 days after he was born. Bobby wheeled him into the room, where Maddie and Margaret were already sitting, Maddie holding the baby, looking at him like he hung the moon and stars. Bobby wheeled Daniel over to the chair beside Maddie and carefully took Smudge from his big sister’s loving embrace.
“Danny, I’d like you to meet your baby brother.” Bobby said with a kind, soft smile on his face. Daniel looked up at his dad, his big blue eyes wide and tearful.
“What’s his name, Daddy?” The boy asked, his voice small.
“Evan. His name’s Evan.” Bobby knelt down beside his son.
“Evan? That’s a silly name!” Daniel said stubbornly. “I’m gonna keep calling him Smudge.”
“You can still call him Smudge.” Bobby chuckled. “Do you wanna hold him?”
“Bobby, I don’t think that’s wise.” Margaret complained from her hospital bed. “Daniel’s still too weak.”
“I’m not weak, Mama. I wanna hold Smudge.”
“He can hold him, Peg. And I’ll be right here,” Bobby said, staring his wife down. “Alright kiddo, hold your arms like this.” Bobby demonstrated, holding his arms to show Daniel what to do. Daniel quickly did what his dad showed him. “Good job, little man. Now mind his head, okay?”
“Okay Daddy.” Daniel held Evan - his little Smudge - in his arms for the first time and stared down at the baby in his arms. Evan slowly opened his eyes and looked up at his big brother. Two sets of baby blue eyes met and Daniel’s face broke out in the brightest smile - a smile that lit up his entire features.
“Hi Smudge. I’m your big brother.” Daniel whispered to the baby. “You’re gonna be my best friend, forever.”
“Hey, what about me?” Maddie pouted from the chair beside him.
“You’re a girl, Mads. He’ll be my bestest friend ‘cause he’s a boy like me.” Daniel looked back down at the baby. “I’m gonna show you so many things. Like how to ride a bike, and I’ll read you so many bedtime stories.” He looked up at Bobby. “Can I read him bedtime stories, Daddy?”
“Of course you can, kid.” Bobby laughed softly.
“And I can help you look after him sometimes?”
“You two are going to be a handful, huh?”
“Smudge, thank you for being born.” Daniel whispered quietly. “Daddy said that you were born to save me, and I’m glad you did ‘cause it means I gets to be a big brother.” The baby quietly cooed up at his brother, slowly blinking. Daniel placed a soft kiss on Evan’s head and smiled softly to him. Bobby’s eyes softened and became glassy watching his boys together, already seeing the love Daniel held for his baby brother.
After Evan was born, and the treatment was administered to Daniel, it was confirmed that the older boy went into remission. For a few years, Daniel was able to live like a normal child again. He rode his bike after Bobby taught him, he learned to swim and helped his dad bake cookies. He played games with Maddie and spent a lot of time with his Smudge.
Before Smudge even knew how to crawl, Daniel had taught him the Puppy Dog Eyes, and by the time Smudge could speak, the two blond boys had their dad and their sister wrapped around their little fingers. They wanted cookies? All they had to do was flash those eyes and Bobby handed them cookies. They wanted to watch a movie? They watched that movie. Evan broke Margaret’s favorite vase? Daniel flashed those eyes and Maddie took the blame. It was the Buckley boys superpower.
Maddie, in her own right, was absolutely besotted with her baby brothers - both of them. She viewed Daniel as her best friend in the world and she looked at Evan like he hung the moon and stars. Her world revolved around her brothers.
Bobby, once Daniel went into remission, went back to rehab and got clean again. He spent a few weeks in a facility and by the time he returned, he had a new lease on life. Margaret grew even more distant from Bobby, and her kids as a whole. It was as though Daniel’s cancer was the only thing keeping her invested in the family. She barely spent any time with Evan. Hell, she barely even looked at the baby. A little over a year into Daniel’s remission, Margaret left Bobby and the kids. She filed for divorce quickly, and began dating her high school boyfriend, Phillip again.
By the time Daniel was 9, he’d been in remission for 2 and a bit years. And that’s when things went to hell again. His leukemia returned and despite using the cord blood from Smudge, the treatment didn’t work and the boy got weaker by the day. Bobby and Maddie spent so much time with the boy, that he never got a second of peace. Three year old Evan, not knowing anything that was happening, refused to leave his brother’s side. He clung to his brother like a lifeline, and Daniel clung back just as hard. Maddie was his best friend, but Smudge was his everything.
Margaret returned to the family when Daniel was sick, though never reunited with Bobby. She attended Daniel’s treatments, still avoiding looking at Evan and snapping at Maddie. Daniel’s cancer got worse for 3 months, when the doctors told his parents that the only thing they could do for the boy now was make him comfortable.
Bobby had explained to Daniel what was happening. He didn’t want his son not knowing what was happening to him and be scared and confused in his remaining time in the world. The boy, despite knowing his days were limited, refused to let his own fears and sadness affect his brother and sister. Maddie knew what was happening and chose to focus on what she could do to help her family.
The days leading up to his death were a sombre affair to say the least. The only source of light and levity was Danny and Smudge’s bond. Daniel lay in his hospital bed, hooked up to IVs to keep him hydrated and keep him out of pain, with his baby brother attached to his hip. Bobby sat in the chair in the corner of the room, watching his babies together and listened as they spoke.
“Hey Smudge?” Daniel whispered quietly to the boy. Evan’s head shot up and his eyes, impossibly large and full of joy, peered into Daniel’s soul.
“Yeah? Wha’s wong Dan-Dan?” He asked, his voice soft and confused, his little speech impediment making him sound more adorable.
“You know that I love you right?”
Evan’s eyebrows knitted together as the boy considered what Daniel said, before nodding his head with large, exaggerated movements. “Cou’se. I wuv you too.”
“I won’t be around anymore, but Daddy said that I’ll always be with you.” Daniel looked up and made eye contact with Bobby. Bobby knew what his son was doing. He was saying goodbye to his favorite person for the last time. Daniel looked back to his brother, who still looked at him with those giant blue eyes. “Can you do me a favor, Smudge?”
“En’fin!” Evan said with his exaggerated nod again.
“They’re gonna need you. Daddy and Maddie. Can you look after them for me?”
“Whe-o you goin?”
“You know how I’ve been sick?” The boy nodded. “Well, I’m not gonna get better, Smudge. I’m gonna be going to Heaven soon.” Bobby’s heart continued to break, hearing his son utter words that were wise beyond the years he’d reach.
“Can I go too?” Evan asked sweetly, his unending loyalty and determination to stay by Danny’s side evident. For a 3 year old, Evan loved with an all encompassing and unprecedented amount of love. His heart was so large and his trust easy to obtain and keep - and Evan trusted and loved no one more than his Dan-Dan.
“No, you can’t come with me.” Daniel’s eyes filled with tears. “Please always remember how much I love you, Smudge.”
“I wio” Evan said sadly, as though the boy was starting to finally understand what was happening. That his brother was going away forever. “Wuv you Dan-Dan.” Daniel smiled, and ran his thumb over Evan’s little smudge on his eyebrow.
“I love you, Smudge.” Daniel then started crying and Maddie quickly took Evan out of the room, down the hall and into the kids room.
A few minutes later, Bobby came and asked Maddie to go back to Daniel’s room, because he wanted to see her. Maddie slowly made her way back down the hall, dread filling her body. She’d already dealt with so much in her short 11 years on the planet. She walked into Daniel’s room and sat in the seat beside his bed.
“Mads?” Daniel smiled softly, pain evident on his face. “I’m really sorry.”
“Why are you saying sorry, silly?” Her voice broke.
“I’m leaving you and Smudge. I wanted to do so much with you guys. I wanted to be there the first time Smudge went trick-or-treating. I wanted to see how much he cried on his first day of kindergarten. I wanted to grow up with you guys.”
“Danny -” Maddie choked out.
“I love you Mads, and I’m so mad that I don’t get to be here with you guys anymore.” Maddie reached over and held Daniel’s hand, noticing immediately how cold her little brother’s hand was.
“I love you too Danny.” She whispered.
“Since I can’t be here to help, you’re gonna need to look out for Smudge for both of us. He doesn’t get what’s happening.”
“I wish I didn’t get what was happening.” Maddie admitted sadly. “Daniel, I’m gonna miss you every day. I love you.”
“I love you too Maddie.” His eyes softened, his blue eyes meeting Maddie’s brown. “You are the best big sister ever.” Maddie kissed his hand and the two sat quietly for a little bit longer. Bobby soon returned to the room, the nurse looking after Evan until Maddie got back to him.
That was the last time Maddie and Evan Buckley-Nash ever saw their brother. Daniel Timothy Buckley-Nash died on the 28th September, 1993, surrounded by his parents and hospice staff who were caring for him. The only thing that gave Maddie any peace in the whole thing was that Daniel died knowing how loved he was - how much she and Evan adored him and she vowed on that rainy September afternoon, that she would always stand by Evan and do what she could to protect him. He might not remember Daniel - his Dan-Dan, but he’d always know about him and would always know how much his big brother adored him.
The following weeks were an absolute blur to Bobby. Planning a funeral for a child, who had so much more life to live and had it so cruelly snatched from him by God, was not a task that any parent ever wanted and thanks to Margaret’s narcissism, Bobby was forced to organise everything on his own.
Maddie was a rock. Bobby could admit he became too reliant on her to help with Evan. She looked after him, albeit with Bobby at home with them, while Bobby made phone calls, sorted through paperwork and insurance policies. Evan, poor innocent Evan, while unaware of why or how, he quickly understood that his big brother wasn’t coming back and the toddler just stopped talking. He had always been such an outgoing child, from the second he gained cognisance, he was sociable. He was the opposite of Maddie in that respect. Maddie preferred to keep herself to herself, only engaging when she needed to. But when Evan understood Danny was never coming home, something in the child broke - maybe it was his heart or part of his soul - but whatever it was, caused the boy to draw in on himself.
Bobby had to deal with his mother turning up in town for the funeral, having had limited interactions with her for years. Hell, she’d never even met Evan and had only met Maddie and Daniel when they were 2 and 3 respectively.
Ann Hutchinson, formerly Ann Nash, was a religious woman. Bobby considered himself religious, and Ann was leagues above him in terms of faith. When she arrived at the Nash’s apartment, she immediately put herself to work to ‘fix’ Evan. The boy didn’t utter a word to her. He just looked at her with his giant, expressive blue eyes like she was insane - Bobby would’ve guessed that if Evan was a little older, he’d have rolled his eyes at her instead of just staring. Surprisingly though, she did come with a fix for one of Bobby’s current issues. It turned out that her best friend (Bobby was surprised that she had friends, nevermind a best friend) Lydia was a speech therapist and worked with children Evan’s age to help them grow their speech patterns. Ann also let slip that Lydia worked with a lot of children with a similar condition to Evan - selective mutism she unhelpfully diagnosed, as though the toddler’s entire world hadn’t just died. But Bobby agreed to at least see Lydia for the sake of Evan - if only to get a smidgen of his boisterous baby boy’s infectious personality back.
So while Bobby planned the funeral, Ann took Evan, and Maddie, who refused to let her brother out of sight for more than 5 minutes at a time, to his appointment. Lydia immediately understood his issues and by the end of the first session, Evan was back to making some sounds - not words, just sounds. The appointments carried on, well after Daniel’s funeral.
Evan somehow understood the intensity and meaning behind the funeral and wailed the place down during the service, earning him a disapproving scowl from Margaret and her now-Fiance, Phillip. Margaret’s mother on the other hand, Agnes, held the trembling tot in her arms as he screamed for his brother. Bobby and Maddie cried silent tears, Bobby holding Maddie’s hand like a lifeline. Looking back on it, Bobby would admit he relied too heavily on the almost-11 year old but she would always disagree and tell him she did it because she wanted to - because Daniel would want her to.
Evan’s appointments with Lydia continued, even after Ann left Minnesota again, and Margaret up and moved to Hershey, PA to build “a new life away from all the pain”... She and Phillip were married within the year, with Maddie and Evan receiving a last minute invite.
Within half a dozen sessions, Evan started talking again, but his words came out stilted - stuttered - like he’d lost his confidence in his voice when he lost Danny.
Evan continued his sessions, for years, his confidence slowly - very slowly - returning. It never reached the same level it had been before Daniel had gone though, at least not until he started kindergarten and met his new best friend - Shannon Tyler. Shannon was a tiny girl, smaller than Evan, which was surprisingly easy, given the boy seemed to grow like a weed. If it wasn’t for his face, you could easily mistake him for a 2nd or 3rd grader. But Shannon was tiny, but she was fierce. She spoke with such ease and care, which made Evan gravitate towards her. During kindergarten, her mother Janet insisted on braiding Shannon’s wavy blond hair, because the girl always seemed to find mud and dirt wherever she went.
Bobby would always remember the first meeting between the two. It had been on Evan’s first day of kindergarten and Bobby had spent the morning fighting with Maddie, who wanted to be there with him and Evan, but Bobby was making her go to her own class in the same school. Evan was nervous, clutching Bobby’s hand tighter than he usually would. Evan’s bright smile never quite coming across as believable.
Bobby quickly found Evan’s assigned seat in the class and helped the boy get set up.
“P-P-Pops?” Evan stuttered out, his voice small.
“Yeah, Smudge?” Bobby knelt down beside his son, his eyes softening as he gazed into the piercing blues of his son’s.
“Do-do I ne-need t-t-t-to go t-t-t-to schoo-school?”
“I’m afraid you do, Kiddo.” Bobby gave him a sad smile. “But I’ll be here at 3:15 to pick you up and hear all about the fun things you learned today.”
“B-but wh-wh-what i-if th-the other k-kids laugh at me?” Evan asked, his eyes shining with unshed tears.
“And why would they laugh at you? They don’t know you yet.”
“‘Cau-’cause of h-how I-I-I t-t-talk.” Bobby felt his own eyes water. His baby was so nervous and he couldn’t do anything to help him. Before Bobby could say anything to reassure the boy though, the whirlwind of energy that was Shannon Tyler appeared at Evan’s side.
“Hey, what’s that on your face?” She asked, unashamed and unfiltered.
“M-my f-f-face?” Evan asked, his eyes widening comically. Shannon pointed at the birthmark on his eyebrow. “Oh- y-you mean m-m-my s-smudge?”
“Your smudge?” She repeated, her head tilting.
“Y-yeah, th-that’s what my big b-b-brother c-called it.” Evan said, smiling a little. “I-it’s a birfmark”
“It’s super cool! I want one!” Shannon said brightly. “I’m Shannon, I’ve ‘cided you’re gonna be my best friend.”
“M-my s-s-sister’s m-my b-b-best f-f-friend,” Evan said weakly.
“Smudge.” Bobby said quietly, placing his hand on Evan’s shoulder. Evan looked up at him with wide eyes and immediately understood what his dad wanted him to do.
“B-but I-I want anuver f-f-friend.” He said, trying to smile. “I-I’m E-Evan.” Bobby smiled, proudly at his boy and left shortly thereafter. When he picked Evan up at 3:15, the two were already inseparable. Evan, for the first time in a long time turned to Bobby, without stuttering and said -
“Pops, can me and Shannon have a playdate?” And if Bobby Nash cried a little while making dinner than night over his son’s immediate confidence boost, then that was between him and the chicken casserole.
The months and years following Evan and Shannon meeting in kindergarten, one was seldom seen without the other. They were practically joined at the hip. When Shannon turned 8 and her mom bought her a new bike for her birthday, Evan begged Bobby for a bike. Bobby had been dreading the day Evan asked for a bike. Not because he was scared his clutz of a son would get hurt, but because it was the one thing Daniel had always said he wanted to teach Smudge. Even pleaded for a few days before Bobby relented and went to the garage, pulling the blue and green bike from the rack on the wall - Daniel’s bike. He quickly made sure the chains were working and that the tires were blown up, before calling up to Evan to meet him in the front yard.
Evan’s face lit up when he spotted his dad with the bike and before he could say anything, Maddie, who’d followed him outside, beat him to it.
“Danny’s bike?” She sounded so hurt, it broke Bobby’s heart all over again. “You’re giving him Danny’s bike?”
“I-it’s Danny’s?” Evan asked, his voice suddenly so small. Bobby’s eyes softened as he looked at his two remaining children.
“It is, Smudge. Maddie, I don’t know if you remember, but the day Danny met you Ev, he said that the one thing he wanted to do was to teach you to ride a bike.” Evan’s eyes widened. “So, since we know he wanted to do the job himself but can’t, I thought this would be the next best thing.”
“Pops, I-I c-c-can’t t-t-t-take Danny’s b-b-bike!” Evan stuttered again, which was rarer these days - a combination of his friendship with Shannon and his exercises from Lyda.
“You can. Maddie, sweetie, you knew Danny as well as I did. You know he’d-”
“He’d want his Smudge to get his bike.” She said with a sad smile. “Please Evan, don’t break it.”
“I-I’d never break it.” His voice sounded like he didn’t quite believe himself.
Over the next few hours, Bobby and Maddie taught Evan to ride the bike. Evan fell a few times, grazing his knee and skinning his hand, but his smile rarely left his face. By the time Bobby put the bike back in the garage, Evan was practically bouncing off the walls, telling them he couldn’t wait until he could go for a ride with Shannon.
Evan soon entered the Fifth Grade and his teacher, a kind young woman, referred Evan to a counsellor, where he was quickly diagnosed with ADHD. Evan’s brain was constantly in overdrive and Bobby knew his son was smart but he couldn’t focus. After the diagnosis and Evan started taking medication, his brain soon came into focus and everything became clearer. His grades went from Cs to As in a few weeks, he became more helpful around the house and his general quality of life got so much better. On the 28th September 2002, Bobby was shocked when he was promoted to Captain of his firehouse and took that as a sign from his boy that everything was going to be okay. It had to be, right?