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Kim Dokja hasn't been talking to him.
And as if that’s not worse enough, he’s also been treating him like he doesn’t exist at all. Any attempt that Yoo Joonghyuk made to make his lover look at him is met with nothing. No response, no reaction, not even a glare his way. He treats Yoo Joonghyuk like he’s nothing in his life. That realization is enough to knock his heart out from where it is beating, and Yoo Joonghyuk doesn’t know how much of this he can take longer.
It’s been three days now. Three days. And if this continues, God knows he won’t survive. The anxiety and pain that took seed inside him the first day this happened is growing and expanding progressively without pauses, and Yoo Joonghyuk feels wilted. He could barely focus, and the members for his group thesis, Lee Hyunsung and Lee Seolhwa, are torn between worry and interest, and he could feel it through the look they throw his way and share with each other that he’d evade and ignore. He can’t blame them for this though, because who is Yoo Joonghyuk if not overly critical and focused? It makes him restless that his relationship problem is affecting his academic performance — karma perhaps, with how he used to criticize others who were in the same situation as him.
He can’t even blame Kim Dokja for this even if he wanted to (which he doesn’t). This is his fault. He brought this to himself.
Fucking consequences of his actions.
⸝⸝
The two of them have only been dating for six months, going seven. And before they got together, it took a lot of nudges and nagging from their friends, who got close enough that one group was formed thanks to the misfortune that they experienced from having witnessed their obvious mutual pining for each other, to just make the damn move instead of… ‘visually edging each other’ (their fucking words, not his.)
That being the case, they’ve had their cases of misunderstandings and bickerings, but they never lead to treating the other person like they don’t exist at all. This is the first time.
But fucking again, it’s Yoo Joonghyuk’s fault.
Because Yoo Joonghyuk is the one who did it first.
It’s not that he meant to do it. He didn’t. But ignoring someone when he’s upset over something has always been his go-to response for years, and he’d also projected this onto his relationships without meaning to. He never bothered to change this though, because his exes did find it amusing and coddled him by giving him their attention and affection, and he won’t deny the fact that it felt good.. Even Kim Dokja, for the first few times, did the same. The difference was that afterwards, when the issue was resolved, he’d tell him that he shouldn’t keep being this way. That it doesn’t feel good on his part to overthink what he did because Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn’t communicate.
Yoo Joonghyuk understood this, and would tell him that he won’t do it again.
Guess what.
He fucking did it again.
⸝⸝
Okay, maybe it’s not just his fault.
Maybe it’s actually that bastard from Communications’ department’s fault, because why the fuck does he keep on approaching him since they met two weeks ago, acting so close, obviously hitting on him, when Kim Dokja already made it clear before that he’s dating someone, and it’s already known that Yoo Joonghyuk is that person?
The bastard had the audacity, because even after Yoo Joonghyuk gave him warning looks (Kim Dokja always held him back every time he wanted to talk, the nice guy he is), it’s like he doesn’t see anything. He had the fucking guts.
Yoo Joonghyuk doesn’t even know why it kept making him feel like shit. It’s definitely not jealousy. He’s not jealous. He trusts Kim Dokja, and he believes him. It just pisses him off, because he doesn’t know why the jerk would dare.
The cause of this all leads to that guy. Four days ago, Yoo Joonghyuk was having a shitty moment. The design he was working on crashed and it wasn’t saved because the backup wasn’t on, so it was a fucking terrible time and he sure as well wasn’t planning to make it into a terrible day because he had plans with Kim Dokja after class and he knew seeing him would make his mood feel much better. So like always, he went to the library after his elective because Kim Dokja said he’ll wait there and spend his free time (he finishes earlier than Yoo Joonghyuk on Tuesdays) and finalize his paper.
When he got there, as if he wasn’t in the shitty mood enough, the sight that greeted him was the asshole who was smiling happily while talking to his lover and was having his arm behind Kim Dokja, looking like he wanted to hook it around his shoulder.
That did it.
⸝⸝
He didn’t mean it. He really didn’t mean to project his annoyance to Kim Dokja, to ignore him when he reached out and came over his flat because he ended up not showing up, to ignore him when he asked what was wrong. He didn’t mean it, but he also couldn’t help but do it. Because he was afraid of his emotions and he didn’t want to fight.
But maybe fighting was better after all.
He remembered the look on Kim Dokja’s face — that resigned, empty look on his eyes that had Yoo Joonghyuk feeling cold all over — when he asked Yoo Joonghyuk, “Are you gonna keep doing this?”
That time, Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to say something. An apology, an explanation, but his pride got ahead of him and he ended up only looking at him.
Kim Dokja took a deep breath, licking his lip and swallowing before he asked again, his tone flat and lacking any emotion, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
No, Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to say. And he should’ve. He should’ve taken the look that he gave him as a sign. He should’ve held his hand and apologized and told him that it wasn’t what he wanted, but that he was upset and needed some space and time.
He really should’ve.
Because for a while, Kim Dokja waited. He eyed him, waiting, expecting, before he slowly blinked, before his shoulders slumped, before he said, “I see. Okay.” And turned away and left.
He really should’ve.
⸝⸝
Yoo Joonghyuk feels his hands grow colder as his heart starts to pick up pace.
It's 4:30 AM in the morning, and he's standing in front of Kim Dokja’s apartment complex, wearing his go-to running tracksuit. He’s sure as hell he barely looks presentable right now — his hair is blown back from the wind, his eyebags larger than usual, and his anxiety is very much evident on his face. For someone who cares so much about how he’d look to others, it sure is a sight.
Thankfully, no one can see. Except for Kim Dokja, that is. If he ever spares him mercy and decides to come down and meet him.
He sent a message almost forty minutes ago, the lack of sleep and growing dread encouraging him forward. It was a short one, but still enough to show his desperation. He doesn't really mind at this point. The only thing he could lose from fearing that he’d lose face is losing Kim Dokja, and he can't risk that. Not any more than he did.
He can't. Not when he spent two years of his life loving him silently from afar.
He can't. Not when he has him now.
Yoo Joonghyuk
>> Dokja, are you awake?
>> Can we please talk? I’ll go over to your place. I’ll be in front of your building. But if you're not willing or still sleeping, it's ok.
>> It's just... I’m sorry. I really am.
>> I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I want to apologize and talk in person.
>> Love, please. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
And now here he is, sitting nearby for about fifteen minutes now. Whether Kim Dokja saw his message or not, he doesn't know. Either way, Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn't give up. He also won't blame Kim Dokja if he doesn't go out. It's way too early, after all. There’ll be other chances. And if Kim Dokja no longer wants to see him or be with him…
Yoo Joonghyuk tries to ignore the way his gut twisted inside him; his breath suddenly caught up in his throat. No. He can't. If Kim Dokja got tired of him and decides to get rid of him… that's the worst case scenario he can think of out of this situation.
Yoo Joonghyuk falls as he loses his strength. He squats on the concrete, his elbows to his knees, and clutches at his hair. He can't breathe. He can't feel his hands. He wants Kim Dokja. He misses him so much and he just wants to have his arms around him. God, why did he have to fuck this up? Why the fuck did he ignore him? Why the fuck did that bastard keep approaching him and why the fuck can't he respond to his annoyance in a normal way? Why was his mood even ruined because of his design suddenly crashing — fuck.
He hates this. He hates this. He hates this. Kim Dokja repeatedly told him before that he can't keep pulling the same stunt when he's upset, that he had to learn how to communicate or at least say when he needed space. Kim Dokja was the only one who put up with him, who understood him, but also loved him enough to point out his shortcomings for the sake of his growth and their relationship. Kim Dokja asked him if he was sure he wanted to keep acting this way.
Yoo Joonghyuk remembers the look on Kim Dokja's eyes. That look like he gives up, like he's had enough. It's a look that never once existed there when it comes to Yoo Joonghyuk, and yet Yoo Joonghyuk had to fuck up so bad that it was suddenly there.
Damn it. Damn it.
He can't breathe. He can't feel his hands. He can't breathe—
A pair of white sneakers with untied shoelaces suddenly steps into his blurring eyesight.
Yoo Joonghyuk's heart skips a beat.
He looks up.
The love of his life looks down on him, wearing the pyjamas he gifted him on his birthday.
Yoo Joonghyuk starts crying.
⸝⸝
Kim Dokja stands dumbly in front of Yoo Joonghyuk, staring at his lover with his mouth agape. For a moment, he seems to be unable to comprehend what he's witnessing.
He's never seen Yoo Joonghyuk cry. And it's not like Kim Dokja never thought of him as a human who was also capable of processing emotions that included— well, tears, but it was hard to imagine when he's never shown that much vulnerability in front of him. Sure, he's seen him upset and angry and stressed and annoyed and fond and loving and blushing— but crying was out of the question. So now that he's seeing it firsthand, even with him crouching on the ground and holding his knees close to his chest like a lost child, Kim Dokja doesn't know what to do or how to act.
To Yoo Joonghyuk though, his silence and dumbfounded stare—with his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes squinted— seems like indifference. He reaches a hand out but is afraid that Kim Dokja would pull away or slap him away, so he doesn't. He breathes in, or at least tries to, but it comes as a wheeze.
“Yoo Joonghyuk,” Dokja says, finally, and Yoo Joonghyuk closes his eyes upon hearing his name. His name, being called by the person he loves. His name, an acknowledgement that he still exists. That to Kim Dokja, he is still alive and existing and… here. He feels relieved, like someone whose existence was about to be erased but was taken back upon finding salvation. Like a person on the brink of death coming back to life by the electric charges of recognition.
Yoo Joonghyuk swallows. “Dokja,” he answers, tethering himself to his love. Love, before him. Love, looking at him. Love, calling him by name. Love, choosing to respond to his call. Love, love, love. “I’m sorry. I’m— I’m sorry. I was—” he clutches at his chest, close to hyperventilating again when he is reminded of the moments when Kim Dokja treated him like he was nothing.
Kim Dokja sighs, heart softening at the sight. He is about to crouch down to his level so he could help him when Yoo Joonghyuk suddenly kneels before him and hugs him around his legs. “I was stupid. I can't— I don't know why I do it, but I’ll try to change. I’m trying to. Please give me a chance,” he begs, “Don't leave me.”
Kim Dokja doesn't know what to say to this. Any spiel he prepared earlier before he went down was thrown out of the window. He's never seen him this desperate. A part of him aches at this, because he doesn't know whether he's worthy of this display of public devotion. And yet here he is, standing frozen before the love of his life breaking down in fear and regret.
He finds his voice in the end, though not without a struggle. “I know how hard it is to communicate when you're not used to it, and I know that it's easier to just submit to not saying anything and even ignore someone until you feel better,” he begins, because he does. He's been there. He knows exactly how it feels, and it's because he knows that he’s able to understand Yoo Joonghyuk when he's doing it.
Yoo Joonghyuk doesn't say anything, looking like a kicked stray, but he's affirming Kim Dokja that he's listening by his verbal cues and nods, and the light caresses he does at the back of his thighs. He also doesn't look like he has any plans of standing up yet. Whether he found comfort in his position or it's his way of showing his sincerity, Kim Dokja doesn't know.
“I’ve been there. I understand, Joonghyuk. I really do,” he emphasizes. “So if you want to play the game of silent treatment, then I’ll fucking play, because believe me, I’ll last.” Yoo Joonghyuk tenses at that, heart beating fast again. He wants to say something, to apologize, to ask why, but for now he lets him talk. “I can't always stand still and just take it all the time. You can't expect me to do all the work and guess the reason why you’re upset every time and why you’re venting it out to me when I’m unsure if I’m even the reason for it.”
Yoo Joonghyuk could feel the firmness in his voice, and he also notices that there's a warning in his tone, but at this time — although it may not be the right time— he couldn't help but feel a rush of gratitude and admiration for the man he’s kneeling for. He loves how he's not afraid of calling him out for his behavior and holding him accountable for his actions.
And though it hurt him and makes him feel afraid, he's so fucking proud of him for standing up for himself. The years-long cultivation and hard work of self-respect in his voice is evident, and Yoo Joonghyuk loves him even more.
It makes him want to be better. For himself, for Kim Dokja, for them.
Kim Dokja continues, “You think you’re the only one uncomfortable with communicating? I am, too. I feel rattled trying to ask for my needs without feeling like I’m asking for too much, but this is work, Yoo Joonghyuk. This relationship is. I show up for you, and you show up for me, despite feeling uncomfortable and afraid. That's how we work it out. And if I try to communicate with you, I need you to meet me there.”
He breathes in, his shoulders hunching, and this time he couldn't help but break, “I can't do this alone, Joonghyuk-ah. It feels lonely. Please don't make me feel like I’m in this alone. I can't take it.” Finally, all the emotions he’s been carrying from all of this comes forth. He covers his face with both his hands, and croaks, “I love you, I do, but if you’re only going to keep making me feel this way, if you don't love me enough to get uncomfortable with facing your unhealthy patterns for our sake, but most importantly for yours— then I’d rather actually be alone.”
Hearing this, one may think that Kim Dokja is just so natural at this. That it's easy for him to say. But it’s the opposite. He's been through a lot. He's experienced the lowest of the lows, fell under the comfortability of self-destruction and sabotage and found comfort in them for years. They're not good stories. He's not proud of them. But it's exactly because he experienced them that he doesn't want to go through them again.
He crawled his way out, fingernails broken and filled with filth as he got through the other side. He refuses to be dragged back. Especially by someone he loves wholeheartedly.
He loves Yoo Joonghyuk. It tore him apart not talking to him, seeing him cry and beg, but Kim Dokja doesn't want to surrender the respect he built for himself just for the name of love that still has no assurance of permanence.
“I’m sorry,” Yoo Joonghyuk says with a sniffle, pulling him close to his chest, and Kim Dokja doesn't even know when he got up. God, the two of them are both crying messes. “I’m so sorry for hurting you, my Dokja.” My Dokja, he calls. My reader, my strong and brave salvation, my love. “Please give me a chance to make it up to you. I — I want to grow together with you.”
Physical and spiritual growth, he wants to do it with Kim Dokja.
“You…” Kim Dokja blinks at Yoo Joonghyuk as he tries to find the right words. “You don't… want to break up with me?”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes widened. “What? Why would I?”
Kim Dokja explains hesitantly, “I just told you I’d rather be alone if this… keeps going on.”
“Oh.” Yoo Joonghyuk lets out a small smile, and wipes Kim Dokja's tears, just as the latter also reaches out to wipe his. “A part of me feels scared, because I’m afraid I’ll fuck up again and what if you finally give up on me?” It feels odd, this vulnerable honesty of voicing out his raw feelings (as if he hadn't been crying earlier), but Yoo Joonghyuk finds that it doesn't feel bad at all. “But mostly I’m brave, because you telling that to me means that you trust that I could do it, that I could grow out of it. And…” he cups his face, leaning in and letting their noses graze each other. “Dokja-ya, I love that you respect yourself enough to tell me that you would rather walk out than settle in a relationship that makes you feel lonely. I love that you're brave enough to not be scared of holding me accountable for things I have to learn lessons from.”
Kim Dokja’s lips wobble as he listens, and Yoo Joonghyuk smiles. “Please keep loving yourself, and give me the honor to love you as you love yourself.”
“How about you?” Kim Dokja asks.
“Loving you would teach me how to love myself.” Yoo Joonghyuk plants a kiss on his forehead. “Today is an example.” I’ve learned my lesson, after all.
⸝⸝
Yoo Joonghyuk slowly learns along the way how to not ignore people when he's upset. And when he's spiraling, Kim Dokja grounds him back to where he is.
Kim Dokja slowly learns to communicate and voice out his needs. And when he feels like he’s asking for too much, Yoo Joonghyuk holds his hands and implores him to continue.
They do it together.