Work Text:
"Ruskin. It is time."
Ruskin looked up when he felt his employer, Charles Augustus Milverton's gentle touch on his cheek. It made him blush and when he stared into the other man's beautiful golden eyes, he trembled from the joy mixed pain and tried to swallow back the flower petals he was about to cough up. Mr. Milverton felt the reaction of his body and Ruskin saw that his gaze got clouded. But he didn't let anything to be seen from this, neither on his face nor in his voice when he encouragingly spoke again.
"It is fine. Everything will be alright. After the surgery, you will not suffer anymore. I promise." Milverton took his secretary's hand and gently made him stand up. "Now, come with me.'"
"Yes, sir." Ruskin nodded with obedience and his heart got filled with incredible sorrow. He didn't want this. He followed Mr. Milverton with slow steps while he started to cough again. The bloody flower petals he successfully held back a minute ago fell to the floor to mark his final road before the inevitable transformation.
Ruskin was heavily against going through that surgery. But it was Mr. Milverton's wish and he knew that he could never say no to his employer. This just naturally came with the relationship they had; Ruskin was in Mr. Milverton's power both in body and soul. It was the latter what caused his doom, something Ruskin couldn't change even if he wanted to. But he didn't want to. He was content with loving Mr. Milverton even if it hurt him sometimes, even if it infected him with the Hanahaki disease which he knew would eventually kill him in the end. But Ruskin was ready to die loving Mr. Milverton, even if the other man didn't love him back.
When the symptoms of the illness started and he started to cough up flower petals, Mr. Milverton immediately called the doctor who quickly diagnosed the problem. Unrequited love. The only cure for Ruskin's sickness was if Mr. Milverton returned his feelings. When the doctor left, Ruskin watched as his employer rubbed his face from the despair and nervousness. Ruskin knew well what he would answer when he finally looked up at him.
"You are important to me, but I can't love you the way you love me. I am sorry."
"It is fine, sir. It is not your fault." Ruskin answered to make Mr. Milverton feel better. He could see that he was blaming himself for what happened to Ruskin. He cared for his secretary deeply - just not the way Ruskin needed it.
Mr. Milverton shook his head and clenched his fists.
"No. I will not leave this to be." He said with a newfound determination and left the room.
The mysterious sentence gave Ruskin hope. It was clear that Mr. Milverton decided something on that day. Maybe... maybe he tried to love Ruskin back. Mr. Milverton was skilled in the field of love - if someone, he might be able to fall in love by choice. Ruskin became excited that his dream could come true, that the one who meant more than anything in the world for him can return his feelings. But this excitement immediately died out when one evening, Mr. Milverton asked him to sit down for a talk on the sofa in the study.
"I found a way to save you." He started to speak after he settled down in front of Ruskin. "There is a surgery that removes from your body what is responsible for the hanahaki disease. You will not cough after that - and you will not be able to love me anymore."
Not being able to love Mr. Milverton. The possibility made his heart stop beating for a moment.
"No!" He cried out and grabbed his employer's hand to beg him. "You can't make me go through that surgery, sir!"
"But you must, Ruskin." The other man said gently. Ruskin felt that Mr. Milverton's fingers clasped around his hand. His employer looked deeply into his eyes. "I don't want to lose you."
For a second, it crossed Ruskin's mind that if he truly didn't want to lose him, then he should just return his feelings and he would heal right away. He immediately scolded himself for his selfish thoughts. This is not how love worked, he knew well that it couldn't be forced. He couldn't make himself fall out of love with Mr. Milverton, and it seemed that his employer couldn't do the opposite either. The King of Blackmail was unable to love. This was how it is - and Ruskin didn't blame Mr. Milverton for it.
"But I want to love you, sir..." Ruskin replied devotedly. "Even if you don't love me back, it is a joy to love you. It is what wakes me up every morning to serve you. My love for you is a part of me. If you take it away, what will make me go on? I would rather die than..."
"Ruskin, stop this!" Milverton suddenly lashed out, freezing the rest of the words in Ruskin's mouth. He looked at his employer with slight fear - Mr. Milverton never shouted at him before. "We have no choice - I have no choice!” He continued. “I need you on my side, I need you to stay with me... you are the only person I ever needed. I can't return your feelings but I can never let you die or watch you suffer. But for that, this is the only way."
Mr. Milverton’s voice softened when he finished the speech. For a few moments, neither of them talked. Ruskin didn't know how to reply. He just stared at Mr. Milverton's devastated face and he could see the pain in his expression what his own decision caused. Then his employer closed his eyes and drew Ruskin closer. The beloved arms wrapped around Ruskin's body so strongly that Ruskin's breath got cut away. He felt that Mr. Milverton buried his head into his hair and inhaled his scent deeply. Ruskin sensed a warm kiss on his ear before the other man whispered.
"I can never lose you." His employer repeated. "Therefore, you will go through the surgery. You are my subordinate, Ruskin. I am the one who decides what will happen to you. This is an order."
Ruskin knew that he cannot oppose, but the order still broke his heart. He laid his head down on Mr. Milverton's chest and listened to his heartbeat. It made his own heartbeat stronger. Even the thought that he will not react to this heartbeat the same way he reacts now, that it will not fill him with that bittersweet longing for Mr. Milverton's closeness hurt him more than his unrequited love. He didn't want to lose this feeling - but it was already set in stone. He knew that Mr. Milverton will never change his word.
A tear ran down on Ruskin's cheek as he quietly answered.
"I do as you wish, Mr. Milverton."
In the surgery room, his employer glanced at Ruskin for a last time, then he turned his head away to not see his painful expression and left him alone with the doctors. They prepared Ruskin for the surgery, who, no matter how much he wanted to run away, obeyed. They made Ruskin lie down on the operating table and injected something into the vein of his arm. He knew that this was the sign that the process could not be stopped anymore, that he needed to give himself over to his fate, but his soul kept aching. He loved Mr. Milverton. This love was like air for him he couldn't exist without. He didn't want it to slip away, he kept clinging onto the beautiful pain of his unreturned feelings until his eyes forcefully closed and he fell into the darkness.
When he opened his eyes again, his gaze fell onto Mr. Milverton who was sitting on his bedside. Ruskin tried to raise his head. His entire body felt numb for all of a sudden. It was a strange sensation. He was aware that this was something he needed to get used to from now.
"How do you feel?" His employer asked when he noticed that Ruskin was awake. He touched his hand. It didn't make Ruskin blush. How did he feel? He tried to analyze himself to answer the question. He felt nothing. It was like that a part of him was stolen, like he got robbed for what he was living for. But it didn't matter to him anymore.
"Empty." He said in a soulless voice and stared at Mr. Milverton who was nothing else in his eyes now than his higher-up and he couldn't even understand why he ever meant something to him.