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Zam woke up screaming, Her dreams filled with red and lavender and blood and pain and death so much death.
She woke up screaming as someone she loved(s?) drove a sword through her chest, not killing her immediately but just leaving her there to suffer and die.
She was dying he was dying everything was red and red and red and she couldn’t breathe why why why she sobbed it felt like the walls (walls since when had there been walls hadn’t she been dying outside of-) were closing in on her and-
Someone came running in and all she could think about was oh shit she’d been making too much noise Mapicc didn’t like that the last time she disobeyed him-
She curled into a ball (wasn’t she dying?) and hoped that maybe this time it would protect her from the demon she didn’t want to die she knew she’d been bad but why did she have to feel more pain because of it she just wanted it to be over -
Someone was rubbing circles into her back, a soothing pattern.
Another hand was scratching at his scalp, carding their claws through her hair.
It was… relaxing?
They weren’t rough at all (unlike-), gentle and caring and not pressing too hard or too lightly.
… Zam liked it?
She was pressed into someone- two someones actually. In a…
Hug?
That- that didn’t make sense.
None of this made sense.
Mapicc almost never hugged her. He only hugged her when she’d done well, or made him proud.
The hugs got rarer and rarer as time went on.
Ro hugged her more, but sometimes even he knew that Zam didn’t deserve them.
And neither of them would ever be this gentle with her, especially after what they- she’d done.
She opened her eyes (when had she closed them?), and saw purple-
She almost panicked, but…
It wasn’t Ro’s purple.
This was a different purple, mixed with bits of dark green and black, a deep royal purple that reminded Zam of kindness and forgiveness and joy (everything Team Awesome wasn’t).
Zam wasn’t dying.
Right.
Of course she wasn’t, because she wasn’t there anymore, fearing for life and scared that Mapicc would be around the next corner, in the walls, distant footsteps echoing.
No, she was here, in the Eclipse Federation base.
She wasn’t with Ro and Mapicc.
They couldn't get to her.
right?
It was easier to breathe.?
She clung to who she now realized were Subz and Vitalasy and eventually, her sobs died out.
She shouldn’t be crying, she couldn’t show them she was weak or-
Vitalasy started humming, gently twisting her hair out of its little bun. She made a noise at the sudden loss of his claws running through her hair, but he simply laughed a little and started braiding her hair; making little intricate braids to combine into one larger braid.
She fell back asleep, surrounded by the warmth of her boyfriends.
Zam woke up in the morning, cold without Subz and Vitalasy there to warm her up.
She stayed in place for a bit, too exhausted to get up.
And then she remembered what happened during the night and she realized she had to apologize to the others for waking them up and forcing them to deal with her bs.
It wasn’t fair to them, Zam should be able to deal with her problems on her own.
She sat up despite how much her body was protesting and stretched.
“Hey sleeping beauty.” Zam immediately flushed at the nickname, glowering at Vitalasy who was standing at the bathroom door.
Zam yawned, still tired.
“S-shut up Vitalasy.” She muttered.
“You look cute when you’re flustered.” This- this guy. She hated him.
She turned her head away. “Die.”
Vitalasy just smirked, a knowing glint in his eyes.
Oh right, the reason she’d woken up.
She took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact.
“Vi?”
“Yeah Zam?”
“I’m sorry. I should be able to deal with my problems on my own and stop throwing tantrums, but instead I woke you and Subz up and bothered you guys with my shit, things I’m supposed to be able to handle on my own. For fuck’s sake, I’m not 8. I should’ve just shut up and handled it on my own.” She blurted out, anxious. What if he didn’t accept her apology, what if he thought she was weak what if-
“SUBZ. ZAM IS BEING AN IDIOT AGAIN.” She made an offended noise, she was not being an idiot. She was being reasonable, she shouldn’t have bothered them. She was 20, not 8.
He immediately shook his finger at her. “Nope, you are being an idiot. Why would you apologize for that ? You don’t have anything to apologize for Zam.” But- she did?
Subz came in, sighing.
“Vi is Zam blaming himself for having nightmares about a very traumatic experience she experienced? Again?” At Vi’s ‘yep’ (traitor) he sighed again .
“Zam. No one should blame you for experiencing a panic attack after a nightmare and needing help. You shouldn’t try to apologize cause I’m guessing that’s what happened for something that is entirely fair and justified .
He didn’t understand though! Zam shouldn’t be being weak, she shouldn’t have to rely on others to help her get through. That just made her a- a liability and a weakness.
Vitalasy obviously saw her refusal to believe that that could be true, groaning.
“Listen, Zam. You remember… a few weeks ago?” Zam scrunched her nose up in confusion. What had happened- oh.
Oh right.
“Well when Subz was having a panic attack, should he have apologized for, as you would say, ‘taking up our time’?” Zam saw Subz wince but ignored it, instantly feeling angry as she thought of that.
“Oh fucking course not! Subz shouldn’t have to apologize for anything if-” Her tirade was interrupted by Subz interjecting.
“So why should you have to apologize?” Zam just-
Paused.
It wasn’t the same right?
Zam, she didn’t-
What?
“Zam… it’s ok to need help. I need help sometimes. Vi needs help sometimes. Fuck, even Clown needs help sometimes. And we’re here for you.” It was weird to see Subz like this, soft.
And maybe… maybe they were right?
Maybe it was ok for Zam to need help?
Was it?
“We’ll always be here for you when you need us.” Maybe they weren’t lying?
“... alright.” Maybe Zam could just- accept the help when she needed it.
Mapicc wasn’t here. Zam was. She decided her own needs and feelings right?
Right.
She ignored the voice telling her otherwise?
Ignored?
Or buried.
“Uh. So. That’s enough of the sappy shit for me. I’m just going to. Be uh. Out there. Doing stuff.” Subz slowly started backing away.
Oh fuck no he wasn’t getting away that easily.
She exchanged looks with Vi.
Subz caught it, and started backing away faster.
She grinned.
“Nope. Go away. I know what those looks mean. Nope- Vi get away. Vi no. Vitalasy. Back away from me. Personal space. Wait no- ZAM NO. GO AWAY. VI FUCKING TALASY STEP AWAY FROM ME. PERSONAL FUCKING SPACE. ZAM YOU TOO. ZAM? VI? NOPE NO I AM GETTING OUT OF-”
He was interrupted by both Zam and Vi tackling him before he could exit the room, both of them laughing so hard they couldn’t move.
“I hate you two so much.” Subz groaned even when Zam could tell he was close to laughing.
“You love us.” She told him, catching her breath.
“... yeah. Only Zam though not Vi.” He grumbled out.
“WHA-HEY. RUDE.” Vi yelled.
“Deserved.”
Zam just started giggling as the two started arguing.
She didn’t know what she’d done to deserve this but…
She was glad she had them, Vi and Subz, Eclipse Fed, her boyfriends (no matter how idiotic they were sometimes).
Zam hoped she wouldn’t lose this.
She knew she would though.