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He’s not sure what’s gotten him this upset.
Liam had barged into his hotel room, tears streaming, hair a mess, blood dried on one nostril. Licking at his teeth and sniffing like mad so not a fight then. Coked out and frantic about summat or another.
He starts pacing and this is far from Noel’s favorite state for him to be in.
“Mind telling me what’s going on?” He puts his pen down on the desk and gestures at his guitar in his lap. “I’m in the middle of writing.”
He bounds over from where he’s been wearing the carpet bare and leans over Noel’s notebook, pouting. “Is that all I am to you, then? A distraction?”
Noel sighs, flips the cover closed, concedes to his night going in a different direction. “What’s got you like this?” He licks his thumb and goes to wipe at the blood on his nose.
Liam huffs and dodges him. “Don’t wanna talk about it. Just want you.” Now that he’s close Noel’s able to see how big his pupils are, the sweat beading on his forehead, lips bitten raw.
He raises a brow. “You’re obviously worked up about something.”
Frowning, Liam starts fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater. “Told you, don’t wanna talk about it.”
Standing up he puts his guitar back in its case, Liam’s eyes following him a burning sensation on the back of his neck. Turning to face him, he leans back against the desk and crosses his arms. “You tell me and then I take care of you.” He says a little more firmly, “How it works, remember?”
Because he knows what Liam really needs right now, this isn’t about sex, it’s about something else. Fishing out his pack of cigarettes he lights one for Liam, handing it off before lighting one for himself.
Hanging his head, Liam mumbles, “Just this once, can I not tell you?”
They both take a drag. He spreads his arms, “You’ll feel better having told me.”
Liam looks up, fresh tears on his face, stricken. “I won’t. Please?”
Noel doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like secrets, but he caves. Resolve’s a tricky thing with Liam, especially when there’s crying like this involved, when he looks like he did when he was little. Something else takes over, some mammalian part of his brain where he has to fix it. He tuts, taps ash on the carpet because that’s what the cleaning bill is for, says, “Fine. Just this once.”
Liam rushes him, practically bowls him over wrapping him up in a hug, kissing at his hair over and over. “Thank you.”
Drawing back from him, Noel wipes at his wet face. “Come on, then. In bed, yeah?”
Nodding, Liam kicks his shoes off and crawls across the covers, settles back against the pillows with an eager look on his face.
It’s impossible to not find him endearing. He loves him the same way he always has. Too much.
Going to join him he plucks Liam’s cigarette from him and stubs his own out alongside it in the ashtray on the nightstand. Liam chews on his fingernails while he watches him get comfortable and quickly climbs on his lap once Noel pats his own thigh.
He goes easily when Noel pulls him closer, adjusting him so that he’s in his arms like a baby. Liam rests his head against his shoulder, clearly still anxious as he gazes up at him. “Look, whatever it is, you’re not to worry. Leave it to your big brother, yeah?” He sticks his thumb in the side of Liam’s mouth. Rubbing his teeth he feels the rush of spit as he starts drooling a little. Always does when he does this.
He watches his eyes slide shut, his little nod, and it’s a rush. The hold he has on him, it’s hard to not love it. As hard as it is to not love him.
There’s plenty of things wrong with them, always has been, and Noel imagines that their problems won’t be going anywhere any time soon, but this goes so far back it barely feels like something they shouldn’t do.
It just is, same as it was back in their old room when things were scary and Noel was nursing wounds he was far too young to carry. Liam crawling into his bed terrified and so sad, sucking on one of his thumbs then the other until they were both pruned and imprinted from his teeth, Noel letting him have his instead without a thought when he’d reached for it. And now here they are.
He tucks Liam’s hair behind his ear, it’s getting long. Kissing his forehead, he murmurs, “Go to sleep, our kid.”
Liam hums contentedly, tongue working against Noel’s thumb as he sucks absentmindedly.
Leaning over Noel snags the remote and turns on the television, landing on an old movie. He draws the covers over them and his legs are already going numb from the weight of him but he doesn’t care. He squeezes him a little tighter, wishes it could always be this easy. Simple in a way it never is outside of times like these.
Who else could he love like this? Who could he see this vulnerable and not be repulsed by them? Who could he just want to hug harder, hold even closer? And who could love him like this? Who would seek him out to comfort them when they’re this beautifully desperate for him, when they’re this needy?
Pointless questions. The answer’s always been him.
Eventually he falls asleep, Noel watching his eyes moving under his eyelids, lashes fluttering. In the low light he looks like he’s five years old again, his baby brother, his baby.
He shifts, Liam making a sleepy sound and snuggling in closer. There’s drool sliding down his chin and Noel can feel it, the way they are, the way they’ve been, the way they will be. Any time they’ve spent apart they always come back together.
This goes far back. It’ll go on forever.