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“Can I have it?” It’s the first thing Liam’s said since they sat down over an hour ago, he’s been absorbed with Twitter or whatever the fuck it’s called these days.
“What?” Noel’s distracted scrolling, trying to find a lyric he’d gotten down earlier on the tube, lost in his notes app. They’ve been sitting on his sofa in his apartment, having retreated there separately following rehearsals.
Liam grabs his hand, making him drop his phone. Turning his head he sees him pouting. He looks ridiculous, bottom lip jutting out, still a big baby at 52 years old. Noel sighs, fond despite himself. “What do you want?”
“Your thumb.” He drops his gaze, rubbing his own thumb along the back of Noel’s hand.
“Oh.” He can’t remember the last time they did that. More than twenty years ago, surely. They’d done it long past a time when they should’ve outgrown it, really a thing they shouldn’t have done in the first place, but they were always doing things like that back then. Things brothers shouldn’t do.
“Can I have it then?” Liam glances up, all shy with his cheeks pink.
Noel takes him in, how sweet he looks. Vulnerable, with that fragility he has somehow never lost. So he says, “‘Course you can.”
“Really?” His smile’s blinding, a supernova staring Noel right in the face.
He finds himself smiling back. Happy, Noel is, happy to make him happy again. “Yeah, go ahead.”
Being together again, it was a decision that he’ll never regret. It’s puppy love between the two of them, just like it used to be when it was so good he never doubted it’d last forever. It’s not all simple though and there’s a lingering fear that it might all turn sour, go ugly again, but he’s less afraid of that every day.
You don’t have to relearn a brother, you just have to know it’s different now. You’re both older, no longer in your prime, more settled in your ways than ever. They still fit, better than anything else, two halves of a whole, same as always. Slotted perfectly into place and it was only once the hole Liam left behind was filled that Noel realized how empty he’d been. Deprived of light, the light that’s in Liam’s eyes right now as he looks at him like he hung the moon.
Hopeless, ever in love, he watches his thumb disappear in Liam’s mouth. He closes his eyes momentarily, the sight overwhelming, has to look again almost immediately. He doesn’t want to miss it, wants it imprinted on his memory just like every other time they’ve done this.
The first time when Liam’s little kid nose was snotty from tears and Noel’s shoulder was burning from how hard he’d been jerked around by his arm for doing something he didn’t even do. When he’d come home late from tour in his roadie days after they’d had sex that lasted mere seconds (Liam premature every time he fucked Noel then) and how he’d passed out after, gently gnawing on his knuckle in his sleep. When they’d had a particularly nasty fight after a gig once, lips bleeding and bruises forming, and Liam had crowded him up against the door in their dressing room asking for it in a hushed voice even though they were alone. Noel giving it to him, still furious, his anger fading away while he watched Liam suck on it the same way he’d suck his cock. He’d made eye contact with him, just like now, arousal searing in his gut and all was forgiven.
So many other times too, moments and places in the past, and sometimes he has trouble reconciling the distance. Between then and now. What could’ve happened in all the years they spent apart? Could they really have had this? He shouldn’t waste any more time wondering. He should be here now, right here, with Liam.
Liam, who’s impossibly more beautiful than ever. He has to tell him. “You’re gorgeous,” he whispers. Liam makes a pleased sound and his eyes crinkle, crow’s feet forming. There’s that feeling, the regret of precious time lost as he sees the proof of his aging.
They’re making up for it, doing this, he thinks. It’s as soothing for him as it is Liam, having him curl up next to him, pressed up against one another like books on a shelf. Liam grabs his arm, tugging it close to him, hugging it against his chest. Noel follows, leaning on him, letting him readjust so it’s more comfortable for him. His wrist is at an awkward angle now but he’s not going to say anything.
He mumbles something and Noel raises his eyebrows, he can’t understand him at all. Liam takes his thumb out just long enough to ask, “Sing to me?” before sticking it back in his mouth.
Noel’s immediate reaction is to say no, deny him, but he pauses. Thinks about why, knows he wouldn’t have agreed before. Far too repressed and he’s honestly sick of that, sick of pushing down how much he loves him, how much it pleases him to please him.
He doesn’t want to disappoint him, he’s obviously hopeful with his face all expectant as he waits, so he says, “Any requests?” Liam shrugs, smiling, his teeth catching against the edge of his nail. It almost makes him squirm, the sensation so invasive.
He bites his lip, considering. When they were rehearsing earlier today, practicing their harmonies, it’d been a bit of a struggle at first. Then it turned into something beautiful, the way it always did. One song in particular was just magic, plain and simple, tangible in the air between them. So it’s that one he goes with, starting off in a quiet voice, “I don’t know what it is that makes me feel alive…” and by the time he’s gotten to, “I only wanna see the light that shines behind your eyes,” there’s a tear trailing down the side of Liam’s nose.
Noel wipes it away, Liam leaning into the touch of his hand, and he cradles his cheek in his palm. He keeps singing, serenading him like he used to sometimes, his heart pounding. It scares him, how much he knows he can’t afford to lose him again.
He finishes the song, chest tight. Liam takes his thumb out of his mouth. A thin line of spit follows, connecting the two of them, the sight making Noel dizzy. They both move, laughing a little when they bump noses, and then they’re kissing. Just gentle presses of their mouths and he opens up for Liam when he touches his tongue against his lips.
Liam pushes him down, laying him out, his weight a comforting presence. Noel kinda feels like he can’t breathe, it’s too much, but he can’t stop. They haven’t done this yet since the reunion, really kissed like this, just kissing and nothing else. It’s more intimate somehow than what they have done, making out on the sofa like they’re kids again with nobody else home. It hurts, remembering how easy it was, how all he wanted then was Liam, how he thought he’d always have him. How wrong it all went and it’s not until Liam starts mouthing at his cheeks that he realizes he’s crying.
“Sorry,” he chokes out. It’s humiliating, ruining a nice moment because he’s gone soft in his old age.
Liam draws away, tenderly gathering his face in his hands. “Don’t be sad, Noely.” He kisses his forehead, his brow, his temples. “Love you, yeah?” The words are muttered into his hairline and Noel closes his eyes against them, getting another two kisses for each of his eyelids.
“Yeah,” he breathes, voice slightly unsteady.
There’s a crooked grin fixed on Liam’s lips when he opens his eyes. “You hungry?”
He sighs in relief. The last thing he wants to do is talk about it. “I could eat, yeah.” He gets the feeling Liam gets what it was about anyway, his smile knowing.
“Got any pot noodle?”
“Duh.”