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Jayce does a lot of nothing these days. He lays in bed and sits on the couch and shuffles around the apartment, aimless and empty and exhausted and in pain. He lays in bed and stares at the wall, or the ceiling, or out the window. He sits on the couch and clicks through Netflix, or scrolls through his phone. He’s been watching a reality competition show, but it’s more background noise.
His therapist says he’s in a depressive episode. Jayce says obviously he is.
Viktor says he wishes he could take off work again but that he’ll be home at six with take out for them to share. That’s something, at least.
Caitlyn came over yesterday. It took Jayce a minute to reach the door to let her in, and he got to watch her face fall in real time as she took in his appearance.
“Oh, Jayce. How are you?” She had said.
“How do you think?” He had replied, not meaning to be rude but just too exhausted to mask his tone.
Caitlyn had frowned, but said nothing. “You look miserable.”
“I am miserable.”
“Well, let me in. Let’s see if we can cheer you up.”
And she did, for a little while. They had played video games, and she told him about her classes, and this girl she was seeing that she didn’t really like that much but wasn’t sure how to turn down. Jayce welcomed the distraction while it lasted. But then Cait had to leave, and she gave him a hug, and he closed the door, and the crushing weight that lived on his chest returned.
Depression is weird. It sucks the life out of his soul, leaves him a husk with no energy and no feelings. He’s sure it’s draining for Viktor, who’s been his primary caretaker since Jayce’s accident, but Viktor wouldn’t complain, and Jayce doesn’t have the energy to ask him if he’s doing alright.
Jayce sits on the couch, his leg propped up on some pillows and his crutches propped against the coffee table. He scrolls through Tiktoks, something he used to be adamantly against, but now that he’s got nothing but time and his own thoughts, he’s found it to be a solace of mild entertainment and distraction. He still has a few hours before Viktor will be home, so he should do something like clean or shower or eat, except he already knows he won’t do any of that, and will probably stay exactly where he is and keep doing exactly what he’s doing, and this will be how Viktor finds him at six.
The lock clicks and the door opens. Viktor. Jayce makes himself sit up a little so he doesn’t look quite so pathetic.
“Hey,” Viktor grunts, shutting the door with his hip. He’s got a bag of take out in his arm, his briefcase hitting against his thigh with each step, and leans heavy on his crutch.
“Hey,” Jayce echoes. “How was your day?”
“It was fine.”
Viktor makes his way to the kitchen, and Jayce should follow, but he just slumps back down on the couch.
“Did you eat today?” The sound of the fridge opening. “Ah. Jayce, I told you I had those leftovers for you!”
“I wasn’t hungry…” he mumbles.
“What?”
“I didn’t feel hungry,” he says louder.
“Jayce.” Viktor heaves a sigh. “Okay. Try to eat tomorrow? Set an alarm?”
“I’ll set an alarm.”
“Great.” His footsteps announce his return to the living room. “I got burgers.”
“I love burgers,” Jayce says. Viktor smiles, looking relieved.
“Yes, I remembered.” He sits down by Jayce’s foot with another big sigh, putting the take out bag between them. “Want to watch something?”
“Sure,” Jayce says. He passes Viktor the remote, and leans forward to find his food.
Viktor clicks through the hub of their subscriptions. “I ran into Mel today. She asked how you were.”
“What did you say?” Jayce leans back into his pillows, beginning to nibble at the burger.
“That you were still recovering, but doing as well as could be expected. That your PT is going well.”
Jayce scoffs. Viktor shoots him a look.
“It is going well, Jayce.”
“Right.” He rolls his eyes. “Not walking is going well.”
“Your muscles not atrophying is going well.” Viktor frowns at him. “If you can walk on it at all, that will be more than the doctors predicted. The fact that you’re still trying is amazing.”
“It’s stupid.”
“It isn’t stupid.”
“Sure, Viktor.” He huffs, and takes a bigger bite of his burger. He’s fucking starving, he realizes.
Viktor makes a pleased noise, and Jayce glances at him as he wolfs down his food.
“I knew you’d be hungry. Eat next time, dummy.”
Jayce flips him off, but is more focused on rooting out the french fries than really showing any hostility.
“This looks interesting. Sci-fi documentary about aliens. Unrealistic and nonsensical. Want to give it a try?”
“Alright.” He looks up at the screen, and gets comfortable on the couch.
It’s a good evening. It’s fine.
It’s all just fine.
In therapy, Jayce talks about his childhood, mostly. There isn’t much to say about his current life, after all. Before the wreck, it was perfect and he was happy. After the wreck, he can’t walk anymore and he’s making his best friend miserable and nothing is good anymore.
So, they talk about his childhood. They talk about the car accident he and his mother were in, the three days they spent in that car before help arrived, how Jayce feels about snow and his mom and her needing prosthetics. They talk about how Jayce gets through snow storms as an adult. He brings up Viktor. Sessions where she gets him talking about Viktor are usually the only ones where he isn’t comatose in bed for the rest of the day afterwards.
“He’s my best friend,” Jayce had said during his first session, still drugged up on stronger painkillers than he’d ever taken before, save for when he’d been in the hospital. “We live together. He’s in the kitchen right now. We work together. He saved my life. Do you want to say hi to him?”
“We spoke on the phone,” she had told him.
“Oh,” Jayce says. “When?”
“When he made this appointment for you,” she explained.
“Oh yeah.” Jayce had forgotten Viktor was the one who set him up with Dr. Grayson. She was gruff but kind. She had specialities in PTSD, c-PTSD, and cluster B disorders. Viktor said she was also trained to handle things like Jayce’s anxiety and depression. Jayce still hadn’t thought he was depressed yet, but Dr. Grayson cleared that up quickly.
“And Viktor said he would be your caretaker, didn’t he?” Dr. Grayson had asked.
“Yepppp,” Jayce had said. “He told me he would take good care of me. He’s so nice to me. He’s my favorite person in the world.”
“He sounds like a very good friend.”
Today, the topic of Viktor comes back up. It is a less positive conversation on Jayce’s side of things.
“He’s going to resent me for this. He’s miserable. I should be asking him how he’s doing, but I never do because I don’t want to hear him say what we both know.”
“You’re assuming his feelings, Jayce,” Dr. Grayson says.
“I’m not, though,” Jayce disagrees.
His childhood comes up too. Again, it’s what they talk about the most.
“As a kid, did you ever assume how your parents would feel about mistakes you made?”
“Well sure, doesn’t everybody?”
“No,” Dr. Grayson says.
“Come on,” he rolls his eyes. “I think thats normal for kids. If I did something wrong, of course I’m gonna worry about how they’d react. I mean, my dad always wanted me to do my best, and after he died, my mom was harder to impress. For a while, at least. She got better. She supports me in everything, and I just don’t want to disappoint her.”
“She is your mother. She will only be disappointed if you stop trying.
And that makes sense. He doesn’t want to stop trying, he just wants to stop putting in effort. Dr. Grayson says that with proper medication and motivation, Jayce will be able to pull himself out of this dark pit he has fallen in.
Well, Jayce is medicated. Antidepressants on top of his usual routine of painkillers. And yet, the episode goes on. Jayce is not getting better. Viktor says he knows Jayce can do it, but Jayce isn’t so sure. Despite what Dr. Grayson said, his mother doesn’t seem so sure either.
He had heard Viktor talking to his mother as she was leaving from one of her visits to see Jayce. She had been uncharacteristically short with Viktor, and normally, that would make Jayce angry and defensive on his favorite person's behalf, but he didn’t have the energy for that anymore, so he just eavesdropped and watched the shadows move across the floor.
“Have you changed your mind?”
“He is happy here,” Viktor had said.
“Clearly,” Ximena had snapped, rudely. “He is miserable. He is depressed. He needs to come home. I will take care of him.”
“I am taking care of him just fine,” Viktor had argued. “He’s going to be depressed no matter where he is. We eat dinner together every night, I make sure he has food while I’m gone during the day-”
“And his medicine? Is it doing anything?”
“He takes it every day,” Viktor had said, not really answering her question. “I keep track of his appointments and make sure he attends each one. He’s doing fine.”
“He needs his mother.”
“He needs proper routine, and to not be coddled. The sooner he can be self-sufficient again, the better it will be for his mental health. If he doesn’t do anything for himself, he is going to feel worse. Jayce likes to be busy.”
This is all true, but he feels distinctly bad about being talked about like this. He goes to his bedroom and shuts the door loudly and hopes his mom and Viktor feel embarrassed.
He leaves physical therapy exhausted and sore. Viktor is in the waiting room, and he perks up when he sees Jayce coming down the hall. The nurse pushing his wheelchair perks up too.
“How did it go?” Viktor asks.
“Same as ever,” Jayce grumbles.
“He’s making incredible progress,” Nurse Annie gushes. She has the most ridiculously unsubtle crush on Viktor. He’s certain she must be asking to be assigned to him just so that she can see Viktor when Jayce gets dropped off and picked up.
“That’s great,” Viktor says, smiling softly at Jayce. He leans on his crutch heavily today, and Jayce wants to say something, but…
Well, what would be the point? He gets it, now. Sympathy is just empty words. And it’s not like Jayce is independent enough yet to take care of Viktor or do anything for him like he used to do. So what would be the logic in drawing attention to it? If anything, it might just embarrass him.
Nurse Annie comes out to the car with them, helping Jayce into the passenger seat. She hands him his crutches, and he tucks them between his legs. The cast on his left leg presses against them, but he can’t feel it through the thick material. Nurse Annie shuts the door for him, and in the mirror, he can see her catch Viktor’s arm, passing him the papers she’d mentioned to Jayce earlier. Then he sees her tuck a lock of brown hair behind her ear, and touch Viktor’s arm again. Jayce scoffs. He fucking knew it.
He looks away, not caring to see his best friend get flirted with.
It’s a few minutes later before Viktor is sliding into the car, a funny look on his face. Neither of them mention Nurse Annie.
“Want to pick up something to eat?” Viktor asks, starting the car. The rumble of the engine is like thunder, ominous and foreboding.
In the mirror, Jayce can see Nurse Annie pushing the wheelchair pack into the practitioner building.
“Okay.” He leans his head against the window. “You pick, I’m not really in the mood for anything special.”
“Thai food it is, then,” Viktor decides. He hands his phone to Jayce, jarring him out of his window leaning. “Put some music on. Your choice.”
Jayce stares at the phone in his hand. Viktor starts to pull out of the parking space, and Jayce’s whole body goes rigid.
“Look at the music, find something to put on,” Viktor tells him again. Jayce clenches his teeth, letting out a shaky breath.
Viktor is a careful driver. He won’t get into an accident with Viktor driving. He’ll be safe. Viktor will keep them safe.
“Jayce, music,” Viktor says again.
Right, music. He blinks through tears down at the screen, tapping half-blind until something in Viktor’s likes starts playing. Their music tastes had about a sixty percent overlap, so while Jayce might not like everything that plays, he knows enough of his own music taste has infected Viktor that there will eventually be something good.
He closes his eyes, focuses on his breathing and his visualization. Don’t think about the crashes. Think about Viktor’s smooth driving. His careful turns and slow braking. He turns his head, watching Viktor watch the road. His eyes flicker to the sides every now and then, aware of everything around them.
Light slants through the window, cutting a sharp line along Viktor’s profile. It’s pretty. It makes him look pretty.
“Do you know what you want?” Viktor asks as they get closer to the restaurant.
Sure. Maybe. A little.
“Just… whatever you get.”
“I’ll order extra, then. So you have enough for lunch tomorrow.”
“You’re really pressing this whole eating lunch thing,” he says, slight bitterness creeping into his tone.
“Oh, how awful of me, being concerned with whether my dear friend is remembering to eat or not,” Viktor says with a roll of his eyes. Jayce gets stuck on the words ‘dear friend’, and so he doesn’t argue anymore.
They get food. They go home. Jayce doesn’t have a panic attack in the car, at least until he’s home and the stress is finally released. It’s a strangely cathartic one, and lying on Viktor’s bed with Viktor curled around him, holding him close and rubbing his arms, Jayce feels a lot better than he had before.
The next problem comes when Mel invites him out to lunch. The problem lies in that she wants to go out to lunch.
“Uh, I don’t really… I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he says into the phone.
“And why is that?” Mel asks.
“I just,” he pauses, stares at where his cast is propped up on a pillow. “I don’t really go out much, right now. It’s kind of hard to get around.”
“Oh, Jayce,” she sighs. “None of that. I know it’s hard, but we’re going to do it. I’ll pick you up in an hour, and we’ll go to that cafe just down the block.”
He thinks pitifully of the shower, and how long it takes to wrestle the plastic around his cast, and how hard it is to maneuver himself onto Viktor’s shower chair.
“I might not be very clean…” he mumbles.
“Put on fresh clothes and I won’t say a word,” she replies, something fond and teasing in her voice.
Despite everything, Jayce smiles a little.
He texts Viktor that he’s going out, and Viktor replies with ‘wow!!!!!!!!!!’, and that makes him smile a little too. He puts on clean clothes, and heads downstairs to wait on Mel. The sun feels pleasantly warm on his skin. It’s a nice day, blue sky with a few white clouds spread in thin streaks high up in the atmosphere.
Mel’s car pulls up, a sleek matte black, and without him needing to say anything, she gets out to help him into the passenger seat.
“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” She asks, as she drives them the short distance to the cafe.
“Oh, well… yeah, I guess so.” The accident was in February, and it was June now. Jayce… had not been doing well for most of that time. “What have you been up to?”
“Mostly just things at the company. Mother is considering me as her successor, which…” she shakes her head. “Is a lot.”
“You don’t want the position?”
“No.” She sighs, pulls into a parking spot on the side of the road, and Jayce realizes he’d been distracted with conversation, and hadn’t thought about the drive. Mel helps him out of the car too, and they go inside to order. She carries their coffees to a table outside, and Jayce props his crutches up against the little black iron fence that separates the cafe tables from the sidewalk.
“What about you? How have you been, Jayce?” She asks, taking a sip of her iced coffee.
He gives a weak laugh. “God, uhm… not the best.”
She nods slowly. “Viktor wouldn’t tell me much when I asked. I think he wanted to give you privacy. But I was concerned. It’s not like you to isolate so much.” \
“No, I know…” He sighs, lowers his head into his hand. “It’s… I haven’t been doing well. My, uh, my therapist says I’m depressed. I think she’s right.”
“I see.” Mel is quiet a moment. “Have I ever told you that I have anxiety and depression?”
He looked up, and shook his head.
“It developed from my childhood,” she explains. “The pressure that my mother put on me, and being raised in the business world. It got a lot worse when my father died, and when Kino disappeared…thats when I developed the depression.” She stares into the distance. “I’m on medicine for it. Are you taking anything?”
“Yes. I have antidepressants.” He blinks. “Mel, I had no idea…”
“I keep it hidden. Mother thinks it makes me weak, but… I trust you.”
It’s hard to imagine Mel struggling with the same things he did. She’s so strong, confident, certain of herself… but she had anxiety and depression, just like him.
Those thoughts stay with him for the rest of the day, and throughout dinner with Viktor, he wonders if maybe he was thinking about his own depression the wrong way.
The next day, he moves himself into the kitchen, and roots around in the fridge, pulling out the Thai leftovers from the other day. He scoops them into a dish and heats them up in the microwave. He cleans up his room some, getting comfortable in bed as he sets up his laptop for therapy. While he waits for the appointment to start, he eats lunch and finds that he does feel pretty accomplished from having actually gotten something, not to mention the way it quenches his hunger.
“Hello, Jayce,” Dr. Grayson says, her face filling his screen.
“Hi,” he greets.
“How are you doing today?” She asks, clicking something on her computer.
“...Pretty good, actually.” He sets his empty dish to the side. “I made lunch today. Some leftovers from food me and Viktor got. And yesterday I actually went out for lunch with Mel.”
“Really?” Dr. Grayson looks at him in surprise. “Wow, Jayce. That is quite the improvement from our last session.”
“Yeah,” he laughs a little. “I didn’t realize how sedentary I was getting. I guess. And physical therapy is apparently going well.”
“Why do you say ‘apparently’?”
“Well, I can’t really tell any change, but Viktor and my nurse both keep telling me I’m doing great. And I was pretty active yesterday, going out and all.”
“Sounds like it is going well,” Dr. Grayson agrees, a faint smile on the edge of her lips.
It’s rare to get a smile from Dr. Grayson. Maybe this is a good sign too.
“Do you have any worries you want to talk about?” She asks.
Jayce hesitates. He sighs. “Viktor.”
“What about Viktor?”
“I’m… worried he’s going to start resenting me, if he hasn’t already.”
“Why do you say that?”
“He does so much for me, and I just- I can’t do anything. I want to make him happy, like I used to, but I feel so pathetic. I’m worried he’s going to get fed up and realize I’m not worth all this effort.”
“Has he given you any reason to believe this?” Dr. Grayson asks, raising an eyebrow. “From what I’ve heard, he seems very committed to helping you. Didn’t he argue with your mother about wanting to stay your primary caretaker?”
“Well- yes. But not everyone can handle that for so long. It’s been months, I just- I don’t want him to get tired of me. And he looks so tired.”
“Well, why don’t you use this burst of energy you’re having to do something nice for him? I highly doubt he’s tiring of you, but perhaps you show him that you are still dedicated to getting better. Do something nice for him, or tell him about how you’ve been feeling. Something that will remind him why he cares so much about being there for you, if you really are worried he’s forgotten.”
It’s not a bad idea.
He considers it after their session ends, and while he and Viktor eat dinner. He watches Viktor watch TV, the way his body is completely sagged into the couch, so exhausted its visible on him. He knows Viktor has been doing extra commissions to make up for Jayce not currently working, and he can tell it must be wearing on the other. How does he bring this up? What does he do to cheer up Viktor?
“I can feel you staring,” Viktor murmurs.
“Sorry,” Jayce says softly.
“It’s alright.” Viktor tilts his head and meets Jayce’s eyes. “Is there something you wanted to say?”
Jayce swallows. That sinking feeling of Viktor resenting him becomes a pit in his stomach. And he can’t help himself from saying- “you aren’t mad at me, are you?”
Viktor’s face softens. “No, Jayce,” he says. “Just tired.”
That’s what he was afraid of.
“Right,” he says, sinking further. “I can clean up dinner tonight, if you want?”
Viktor stares at him, eyes narrowing just slightly. “...Alright,” he finally says. “Let me help you bring everything into the kitchen, at least.”
He’s glad for that, when it proves to be very hard to carry their take out when both hands are occupied with his crutches. But eventually he’s able to start packing leftovers into containers, tossing out the boxes, and cleaning up dishes. When he makes his way back into the living room, Viktor is dead asleep on the couch, his head tilted back, snoring quietly.
If this had been before the accident, Jayce would have scooped him up and carried him to bed. He can’t do that anymore, though. He settles for just tucking a blanket around him.
When he goes to his room, he plans out how he can step further.
Having this new goal makes him feel useful again. It gives him something to do. The depression has its claws in him still, but Jayce has shrugged off the dark cloud that had been hanging over him.
He finds the energy to clean up the apartment, orders some groceries to cook a meal, and has it all ready when Viktor comes home.
“You did all this?” He asks, sounding pleased.
“I did,” Jayce says, grinning. “Wanted to do something for you, since you’ve been helping me so much.”
Viktor smiles down at his plate. He tucks a short lock of hair behind his ear. “Thank you,” he says quietly.
And wow . That reaction gives Jayce another burst of energy that he’s able to ride throughout all of the next day, where he does it all again. Viktor takes him to physical therapy in the afternoon, and Jayce hones in on each exercise like it's going to be what makes or breaks him. Nurse Annie is blown away by his enthusiasm, and Jayce preens under the praise. When she wheels him out to the lobby, Viktor stands up to meet them.
“Jayce did fantastic today!” She praises. Viktor brightens.
“Yeah?” He asks Jayce.
“Yeah,” Jayce says, shrugging casually, almost bashful.
“That’s great,” Viktor smiles at him gently. Jayce is going to ride the wave of the energy it gives him for the rest of the week, he already knows it.
Nurse Annie stops Viktor to talk again after helping Jayce into the car, and Jayce frowns at the reflection of her brushing her fingers up Viktor’s arm. He’s not sure why it makes him so uncomfortable, but he really doesn’t like that she keeps flirting with Viktor.
“Want to pick up something to eat?” Viktor asks, getting into the car.
“No,” Jayce says, frowning still at Nurse Annie’s retreating image in the mirror. “I want to cook again.”
“Really?” Viktor sounds surprised. “Is this… still about wanting to do things for me?”
Jayce looks out the window as Viktor leaves the parking lot. He feels tense all over. Viktor is a good driver. They won’t crash. No one will hit them. Viktor will keep them safe.
“Jayce?”
“Huh?” He turns to look back at Viktor.
“Where’d you go?” Viktor asks him.
Jayce swallows, shakes his head. “Just- I get in my head, uh, a little. When we drive.” He quickly corrects himself. “Not because of you- be- because of me. Because of-”
“I understand,” Viktor says softly. “It reminds you of the accidents.”
Jayce winces. “Not because of you. Just- any time I’m in the car. I keep thinking something will… it’s not important.”
“It’s important to me. I didn’t know that still haunted you.”
Haunted him. Jayce shudders, shakes his head. The rumble of the engine and bump of the road makes his hands quiver. Maybe it did haunt him.
“Yeah,” he says, hollow. “I’m trying not to let it, though. I want to get better. I am getting better.”
“You are,” Viktor agrees. “I’m really proud of you.”
Fuck the smile. This is what Jayce will coast on.
The next day, his mother comes by while Viktor is at work.
She and Jayce spend the visit cooking, something Jayce did all the time as a child and found he really missed as an adult. It does a lot to cheer him up.
They play music from Jayce’s phone, and he shuffles back and forth on his crutches to mime dancing, and he feels completely full of love.
“Oh, my Jayce,” Ximena coos as he walks her to the door. She smiles, a little teary. “You are so happy again. I missed this. I’m so glad you are starting to feel better.”
She pets his arm, and Jayce softens, shrugging a little.
“Just.. finally got the energy to start trying.”
“Oh, Jayce-” she does cry now, and pulls him into a tight hug. “That makes me so happy to hear. You have no idea.”
He holds her just as tightly. This gives him energy too.
Suddenly, it’s like the antidepressants are doing what they’re supposed to. Jayce puts in the effort, and in turn, they reward him with the energy to do the things he wants to do.
He cooks dinner most nights, and he asks Mel out to lunch, and he has Caitlyn over to play video games. The world weighs less heavily on him.
June turns to July, and he’s due to have his cast removed.
Viktor drives him to the hospital. Jayce wouldn’t want anyone else to take him.
“Are you nervous?” Viktor asks as they ride the elevator up.
“No way!” Jayce laughs. “I’m so ready.”
He’s timed it to go back to work in three days. It gives him time to adjust to not having the cast, and his physical therapy is going so well that it’s become much easier to move around without feeling excruciating pain.
Viktor gives him a thumbs up when Jayce is called to go, and Jayce gives him a thumbs up back. He feels good. He’s excited.
“Alright, let's see,” the nurse practitioner says, opening his file on the computer. “Shattered tibia and fibula. First switched your cast back in April because… oh, had to be reset. Alright. Well, let's get this off you.”
Jayce holds still, watches the oscillating drill cut through the white cast. It had a few names written on it. His mom, Mel, Caitlyn, Viktor. Viktor had written him a note- ‘if anyone can do this, you can’ and had drawn a little heart by his name. Jayce had taken a picture of it already. It’s over fast, and he’s being ushered back to the lobby, and Viktor is lighting up, beaming at him. And Jayce feels that energy wash over him again.
When they get home, he showers, taking care to wash his leg, not stopping until it feels clean again after being sweaty and gross for months. Viktor is waiting on the couch for him, two plates of portioned out leftovers from the pasta Jayce cooked last night, still clicking through their subscriptions for something to watch.
That energy comes back. Jayce stops and just watches him for a moment. He looks pretty. Maybe now that Jayce has himself back, he can actually consider what it means to think that about his best friend.