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Jayce’s life was a fucking rollercoaster. And that’s putting it lightly.
In a matter of days, he had gone from the lowest point in his life, to one of the highest points in his life. Being banished from the academy and his research confiscated, ready to end it all, only to be pulled back from the edge by the playful words of a stranger who believed in him. Then, he and that stranger committed more crimes together to prove that Hextech was good and worth developing, and started on that life-long project together.
It was overwhelming. Exhilarating that he could pursue his life’s dream of bringing magic to the world, frightening that he could fail. Each day was like a coin flip would determine how he felt. One day, he would feel on top of the world, and like he could do anything. But the next, he would feel so stressed out from all of the pressure, almost immobilised by the anxiety of it all.
As Hextech began to grow, so did his notoriety. He struggled to go anywhere anymore without being recognised by somebody who wanted an autograph, or to talk science, or anything in between. And he wasn’t always prepared to talk to people. But he would always be polite, fake a smile, and try to get away as fast as he could. This would only get worse when they eventually released the Hexgates (several years down the line), but best get used to it for the future right?
He really didn’t know how to deal with it all at first. He felt so unsettled, unstable, like the carpet would be pulled out from under him at any moment. It was so exhausting to be on cloud nine one moment, and be terribly depressed the next. He felt like a yo-yo being thrown all over the place, crashing into one end of the emotional spectrum and the other in rapid succession. It didn’t feel like he was in control of himself.
So, it would only make sense that he wouldn’t be in control of finding out a good way of managing his emotions either.
He was walking home one evening after a long day in the lab, having just escaped some very kind (but very annoying and stressful) fans of Hextech. He was speed walking to hopefully avoid anyone else talking to him. He was looking left and right, over his shoulder, and all around to make sure no one else was approaching him. He thought he could hear footsteps everywhere. So when he looked behind his shoulder once again just to double check-
BANG!
… He walked straight into a lamppost.
He stumbled backwards, clutching his head where he hit it, and took a moment to regain his bearings. But when he had, he realised how… silent his mind was.
He felt this calm, crystal clarity wash over him. He was relaxed, his mind was quiet, and he was able to think clearly. His heart wasn’t racing in his chest, he didn’t feel sick with worry. He just felt… okay.
Sure, his head was throbbing a little, but that was a small price to pay for his peace of mind!
He made a mental note of it, and completed his journey home, feeling much better than he had in a long time.
*****
It started small. For example, when he was at a gala and he accidentally said something stupid, he would dig his nails into his palm, and allow the sting to soothe his nerves, so he could continue whatever conversation he was having and have a coherent train of thought to rescue himself from whatever social faux pas he had made. Nervous before presenting ideas for Hextech? Tug at his hair. Make a mistake whilst building some prototypes? Use his teeth to pull at his hangnails.
Eventually, without Jayce realising, it became more of a ritual than anything else. He would come home at the end of the day, and if he didn’t feel like he had made enough progress in the lab, he would claw at his skin until it was raw. If he failed to get sufficient funding for a gala, he would retreat and find his razor blade, making clean, short cuts into his arm. One for every investor he failed to convince.
It’s not like he wasn’t being sensible, though. He kept his first aid kit at home well-stocked. After he had sufficiently… paid for what he had done or failed to do, he would go find that first aid kit, clean his wounds, and carefully bandage them. He ensured he wore long-sleeve shirts, even if it made the work slightly impractical.
Viktor had asked him about it once.
*****
“Jayce, we are in the middle of a heat wave in summer. Do you not own any short-sleeved shirts? Do you not even want to roll your sleeves up?”
Jayce laughed nervously.
“Oh, no I do own short-sleeves. I just… get cold easily.”
Viktor looked at him like he didn’t believe him, and Jayce thought he was about to be discovered. He held his breath, but Viktor simply shrugged and sighed.
“So long as you drink some extra water to make up for the needless sweat you are exerting.”
Jayce huffed out a laugh.
“I will, don’t worry.”
*****
Everything came to a head one late night in the lab.
Jayce and Viktor had been working excessively to try and meet this stupid deadline Heimerdinger had given them. They had been working for over 24 hours straight without sleep, and both of them were completely drained. They should have stopped working. But, being some of the most stubborn men in Piltover, and probably the world, they didn’t.
They needed to decide on a primary metal for the structure of the Hexgates. Jayce was arguing steel was the best. Viktor had his heart set on aluminium. They had been going back and forth about the merits of their chosen metal for hours, refusing to compromise.
“Aluminium is lighter than steel. It will make the actual construction of the Hexgates much easier-”
“-But steel is far more durable. Considering how much magic will be used to-”
“-Exactly why we need a metal that is more conductive-”
“-They won’t give us the budget for al-”
“-I’m sure once they understand-”
“-Viktor-”
“-ENOUGH!”
Viktor’s voice reverberated through the lab, stunning Jayce into stillness and silence.
“This is not worth the headache. If you’re so set on this pathetic fucking point of detail, then go ahead. But when it comes back to bite us in the ass because steel is not the right choice of metal for the structure we are making, don’t you dare come crawling back to me for forgiveness. In fact, if you’re so sure of yourself, I’m sure you don’t even need a partner to contribute. Glad your ego keeps you in such good company.”
And with that, Viktor storms out of the lab. Jayce listens to the usually rhythmic tap of his cane become erratic with anger, and it gradually fades along with his thumping footsteps.
And something in Jayce breaks .
He falls to his knees and bursts into tears, unsure how to deal with his partner walking away from everything they had created. If he was less sleep-deprived, he would probably be able to recognise that Viktor, who was equally sleep deprived, had simply said those in the heat of the moment and didn’t actually mean it. But with the way Viktor had yelled at him and insulted him, and his own exhaustion, he believed wholeheartedly that his life was now over. Hextech wouldn’t survive without Viktor.
And it was all his fault.
Jayce has just caused the complete and utter downfall of everything he’s worked towards.
He clutched at himself as he sobbed, looking around for anything to make this right. His eyes fall on the box cutter that is sitting on his desk. He and Viktor keep it handy for when they get materials for prototypes they are building delivered. They had a delivery that morning, which is what had begun the whole argument over steel or aluminium in the first place.
He simply remained where he was, staring at the boxcutter for a time. He couldn’t tell you why if you asked him. He knew what had to be done, and he was going to do it. But… maybe he was sizing up the boxcutter to decide if it was appropriate for the task? Calculating how many cuts fucking up his life was worth?
He didn’t know, and frankly it didn’t matter.
When he got his body to cooperate with his brain, he stood up and tore off his jacket and shirt, moving towards his desk and grabbing the box cutter. He stared at it for a beat more, before glancing to Viktor’s desk, feeling the crushing weight of failure at the fact that Viktor was no longer sitting there. So, resolving to not hesitate any further, he brought the blade to his arm, and began to cut.
He started with ten simple, small cuts. That’s all it was supposed to be. That was sufficient penance for what he had done.
… But his mind remained clouded by volatile emotions, and he couldn’t think clearly.
That’s okay, he just needed to keep going until he could think clearly.
So he kept cutting.
Slash after slash into his skin. He felt the burn of the open wounds, the warmth of the blood trickling down his skin. He switched arms when he ran out of room on the first arm. His eyes were blurred with tears, which mixed with the blood as they fell from his cheeks.
He doesn’t know how long he spent doing that, but he eventually ran out of space on both of his arms. He was still sobbing, so caught up in what he was doing, that he didn’t notice the sound of the lab door opening. He had positioned the box cutter to start making a cut across his chest, when-
“STOP.”
Jayce froze on the spot. He blinked the tears out of his eyes, blade still positioned against his chest, as he looked over to see Viktor staring at him, wide-eyed with what Jayce could only assume was horror and disgust. He didn’t dare move. Both of them remained still for many long, long moments. Then, Viktor locked the door to the lab, before slowly approaching Jayce, the way one might approach a scared, wild animal. He took the two hands gripping the blade in both of his own hands, and slowly moved it away so the box cutter was no longer aimed at Jayce. He carefully relaxed Jayce’s white-knuckle grip, carefully removing the blade from his hands, and moving to put it down on his own desk, before approaching Jayce once more. He gently took one of Jayce’s hands in his own, before speaking softly.
“Let us move to the couch, hm?”
It takes Jayce a few moments to process what Viktor said, but he obligingly follows Viktor to the couch in their lab. Once he is sat down, Viktor lets go of his hand.
“I’m just going to get the first aid kit. I’ll be back in a moment. Please stay here.”
His voice is soft like a lullaby, and Jayce, whether from feeling soothed by Viktor’s presence or too in shock of being found like this to disobey, he remained on the couch. Indeed, Viktor did return to the couch with the first aid kit, as well as a glass of water. He set the water to the side for the moment, before sitting on the couch next to Jayce. Viktor rested the first aid kit on his lap and set his cane to one side, before opening it and pulling out some antiseptic wipes.
“This is going to sting significantly, considering how many individual injuries you have. I promise I will be as quick as I can.”
The content of his words remain clinical, but his voice is laced with affection and care. Maybe pity as well, but Jayce doesn’t really care about that at the moment. Viktor is here, he isn’t mad, and he still cares about Jayce. That’s all that matters right now.
Jayce hisses at the first touch of the antiseptic to his wounds. Viktor simply holds his arm steady and continues cleaning, gently whispering comforting words and praises to Jayce as he goes.
“I know it hurts. Not much more.”
It takes far longer than either of them would like, and the pain has brought tears to Jayce’s eyes once more. But, once both arms are clean, Viktor inspects the wounds closely.
“Thankfully, I don’t believe any of these will require stitches. But, given the proximity of them as well as the number of overlapping injuries, it is best you use your arms as little as possible over the next few days to ensure they heal in good time.”
Viktor pulls the bandages out from the first aid kit, and wraps Jayce’s arms in them as carefully as he can. Jayce almost feels like a mummy, but the feeling of being wrapped up in such a way is oddly relaxing. It is almost like being wrapped up in a blanket.
Almost.
Once the bandages are tied and the excess cut off, Viktor puts the rubbish in the first aid kit and puts it to one side, before grabbing the glass of water from earlier.
“Can you have a drink for me?”
Jayce nods, and Viktor brings the glass to his lips. Jayce takes sips until Viktor is satisfied, and then Viktor sets the glass down once more. He looks at Jayce and raises a hand. Jayce initially flinches, so Viktor stills. But when Jayce relaxes as he realises Viktor isn’t about to slap him, Viktor moves once more to gently cup Jayce’s cheek. Jayce leans into the touch, the warmth of the contact a welcome sensation.
“How long has this been going on, Jayce?”
Jayce opens his mouth to try and say something. Anything . But no sound comes out. He simply shakes his head.
“Alright, I’ll stick with yes or no questions then. Is that okay?”
Jayce nods.
“Good. Is this the first time you’ve done this?”
Jayce shakes his head no.
“Is it the first time it has been this extreme?”
Jayce hesitates for a moment, before nodding his head, tears welling in his eyes.
“... Is it because of what I said? That I would leave?”
Jayce vigorously shakes his head. He doesn’t want Viktor to blame himself for this. It isn’t his fault. But Viktor sees through the desperation, and gives him a sad smile.
“What I said upset you, no?”
Jayce bites his lip anxiously, and Viktor uses a thumb to gently coax it out from under his teeth. Jayce nods.
“And this is how you deal with being upset.”
Jayce nods once more.
“I understand. I came back to apologise for what I said to you before. We are both tired and under a lot of pressure right now. We weren’t taking care of ourselves. But then I saw you with the box cutter and I…”
Viktor trails off, and Jayce nuzzles against the hand still cupping his cheek as a sign of encouragement to continue.
“...I panicked. The only thing I could think to do was to surprise you enough that you would stop what you were doing. Then I saw your arms and all of the blood and ensuring you were safe and not about to pass out from blood loss was far more important than anything else.”
Jayce nods in understanding.
“But regardless, I am truly sorry for what I said. Yes, it was the heat of the moment, but that doesn’t make it right. I am so sorry. And I am sorry that this is what it has led to.”
Jayce shakes his head in rejection, willing his voice to work. But all he can get out of his mouth are some broken sobs. He rests his head on Viktor’s shoulder, and Viktor wraps his arms around him, holding him close.
“I know your actions are not my fault. But my actions negatively contributed towards your state of mind which is in part what led to this. So for that, I am sorry, Jayce.”
Jayce continues to cry into Viktor’s shoulder as Viktor holds him and rocks him back and forth. He doesn’t know how long they stay like that for, but once his crying has eventually settled down, he leans back, and Viktor smiles.
“Come on, let's get you home.”
Viktor moves to stand, and Jayce follows. They grab Jayce’s shirt and jacket, and Viktor helps Jayce put them both on before guiding him out of the lab, through the streets of Piltover and back to Jayce’s apartment. Jayce still remains silent throughout the journey, unable to bring himself to speak. It is incredibly frustrating, but there isn’t much he can do about it. He’ll talk when he’s ready.
When they get inside the apartment, Viktor guides Jayce to his room, settling Jayce to sit on the bed.
“Let’s get you out of these clothes. It won’t be comfortable to sleep in such tight trousers I’m sure.”
Viktor chuckles, and Jayce offers a small smile in return. That seems to be victory enough for Viktor.
They get Jayce down to his boxers, and Viktor guides him to lay down, tucking him into bed. Jayce thinks that in any other circumstance, he might feel infantalised by the gesture. But right now, it brings him so much peace, and makes him feel so safe and cared for. Viktor runs a hand through Jayce’s hair, and smiles.
“I’ll be back to check on you in the morning. Sleep well, Jayce.”
Viktor goes to leave, but Jayce catches him by the wrist, and for the first time since Viktor had come back to the lab, he finds his voice.
“Please… stay.”
Viktor hesitates briefly, but soon a smile graces his features.
“Of course.”
Viktor rids himself of his clothes, and Jayce shuffles over to give Viktor enough room to settle in next to him. Jayce wants to reach out so badly, but stops himself. Viktor, seemingly sensing his unspoken desire, reaches out to Jayce first and pulls him close. Jayce rests his head on Viktor’s chest, closely listening to his heartbeat. Its steady rhythm a balm on Jayce’s unsteady mind and body, and it will soon lull him to sleep.
He knows they will have to talk about this more in the morning. He knows this doesn’t fix anything. He knows that this might not be the last time the two of them end up in this situation.
But what he does know is that somebody cares. Somebody knows this burden he has been carrying, and instead of turning tail and screaming, Viktor stayed by his side and looked after him.
Now, Jayce knows he isn’t in this alone, and he can face whatever the world brings with Viktor by his side.
And maybe, just maybe, Jayce will be okay.