Chapter Text
Bradley felt heavier than he ever did, confused as hell and slowly getting panicked. He forced his eyes open and got immediately blinded by the harsh light reflected on all the white around him. He shut them back immediately, a guttural groan resonated to his ears and he realized it was his with a desperation that threatened to take over everything else.
“Rooster, thank god,” a voice said next to him. Alright, so his hearing and his vision worked, that was a good start. He tried to move his fingers and felt relieved when they did, even if they weighted a tone like everything else. He made a second attempt at opening his eyes, more carefully this time, and he managed to blink the light away. He scanned his surroundings and his initial panic took over again when he recognized a hospital room. Hospital rooms were never good news.
“Rooster, you’re fine. You got into an accident during training but you’re all fixed up now,” the voice said again. Bradley felt a hand on his arm and turned his eyes that way, calming instantly when he saw Nat next to him. She looked tired. He tried to talk, to ask what the hell happened and how fixed up he was because he didn’t feel like it at all, but all he managed to croak was another groan. “Take it easy, you hit your head, big time.” Well, that explained the piercing headache.
“Here, have some water, and I’ll get a nurse,” she went again, putting a straw directly in his mouth. “I also have to call Maverick and…” Bradley all but choked on his water, the coughing making the headache push behind his eyes even harder. Nat made him sit up a bit, rubbing a hand on his back until the coughing was done. “Why ?” he croaked, looking at her like she had grown a second head.
“‘Why’ what ?” she asked back. He already felt like shit, he didn’t need to have this kind of conversation. “Why on earth would you call Maverick ?” he asked, feeling the usual anger rise in his chest. Phoenix didn’t know what had happened between him and his godfather, but she knew better than to randomly mention him when he was around.
“He needs to know you’re awake, he only left to take a shower like 2 hours ago and only because we forced him”, she explained with a frown. And maybe Bradly had hit his head harder than everybody realized, or he actually died and woke up in an alternative reality because this didn’t make any sense. “Why ? he asked again. “I haven’t talked to him in over fifteen years,” he reminded her.
Nat blinked at her with such confusion he almost asked if she was fine. “Alright, I’m gonna get the nurse, stay put,” she informed, already half out of the room. Bradley sighed, too exhausted to focus on how insane his friend had gone. He took the time to try and catalogue his injuries, besides the obvious headache. And, well, the casted and elevated leg at the end of his bed.
“Fuck me,” he hissed. No matter how fast he recovered from everything else, a broken leg or whatever would keep him away from his cockpit for at least two months. He was saved from his wallowing by Natasha who was rushing back with a concerned looking nurse. “Lieutenant Bradshaw, I’m nurse Simins, it’s good to see you awake,” he started. How long had he been out for ?
“How are you feeling ?” the nurse asked, checking the machines and whatever he needed to check on a tablet. “Tired, heavy, thirsty, my head is killing me,” he listed, “It’s like the worst hangover.”
The nurse nodded, getting a small light out of his pocket and Bradley braced himself for what he knew was coming and would definitely not be a nice moment. “Nothing out of the ordinary, all things considered. I’m gonna ask you a few questions, alright ?” he asked, aiming his damn light in Bradley’s eyes, making him tear up.
Bradley felt confident enough while he stated his name and his rank, but things got weird when nurse Simins asked where they were and what had happened to get him in the hospital. Bradley had no choice but to admit he had no idea, no matter how hard he tried to remember. “It’s fine, don’t stress yourself over it. Can you tell me what date today is ?” Bradley let go a sigh of relief at that question, it was easy. “April, 22nd,” he answered with a smile he lost instantly when he caught Nat’s distressed face. “What year ?” nurse Simmins asked tightly. “2022 ?” Bradley tried, his worry picking. Natasha hid her face in her hands and Bradley felt the weight on his chest grow heavier.
“So, I guess I failed the test,” he tried to joke lightly. “I’ll get the doctor on call, you seem to suffer a memory loss. We’re going to run more tests, to evaluate the length of it, but it’s not unusual and more times than not it gets better in a few days. No need to worry yet,” Simmins smiled reassuringly.
Bradley was plenty worried, and so was Natasha if her frown and the way she was biting her lips was saying anything. Once they were alone again, she took back her place on the chair next to his bed and plastered a smile on her face that wouldn’t have convinced anyone, let alone her friend of over ten years. “So, how long did I forget ?” he slurred. Sleep was trying to bring him under again.
Nat made a face, looked at the door, at her phone, at the door again, and eventually back to Bradley. “Who cares ? You heard the nurse, you’re gonna remember in no time !” she said with a fake cheerfulness. “Nat…” He felt vulnerable enough already, he needed to know.
“Well, don’t freak out, ok ? It’s gonna be fine, I promise,” she stated, squeezing his hand. That scared him more than anything else. Nat didn’t do nice and sweet, unless you were in very, very bad shape. “We’re actually in September,” she said very fast. “Oh, well that’s not too bad, it’s only 5…” “2024”, she added even faster.
Bradley’s mind went blank. “2024 ? How…” He didn’t even know what to ask. How could anyone forget 2 and a half years of their life ?
“Come on, don’t freak. It’s going to come back to you, I swear,” Nat insisted. Bradley was going to throw up “I appreciate it, but I really need you to stop being so nice. It’s actually not helping.”
Nat actually looked unhappy at being called ‘nice’, and Bradley braced himself for the dress down he knew was coming, hoping he looked bad enough to hide how pleased he was by it. Nat opened her mouth but whatever she was about to say was forgotten when someone bounced hard against the door. Bradley blinked a few times, suddenly hoping the doctor was here already because he obviously got more than a memory loss. He had hallucinations too.
“Bagman ?” he called, incredulously, a little bit more awake than a second ago. “You look worse than me,” he added. He didn’t actually know what he looked like, but however bad it was couldn’t be as bad as Hangman. The man was whiter than the hospital sheets, dark circles under his eyes, his hair was all over the place… Bradley didn’t think he ever saw him looking anything less than perfectly put together.
“I, hum, well,” Hangman babbled, looking like he was about to collapse. For some reason it made Bradley really mad, like Hangman had any right to come here and take advantage of Bradley’s moment of weakness. “Seriously, what the hell ? What do you want ?” he forced out, using his very last strength.
Hangman’s eyes grew wide, going from him to Nat and back very quickly. It was very unsettling.
“Hangman was flying with you when you had to eject,” Nat said eventually. He had to eject ? The thought of it made him feel sick, and his dad’s face was suddenly on the front of his mind. “Oh and what ? You’re here to see if I learned my lesson ? To tell me it wouldn’t have happened if I had flown faster ? More like you ?” Bradley spit. His anger made his headache even worse, and he really wanted Bagman to leave and the doctor to come and drug him to sleep. The entire situation was shit, he wanted all of it to be over already.
“Rooster,” Nat whispered next to him. Bradley ignored her, focused on Hangman who looked even whiter than before. He didn’t know it was even possible. “No, I, um, I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I’m sorry, I’ll go,” he whispered in a broken voice, walking away.
“Holy shit. Have you ever heard Bagman apologize before ?” he asked, stunned. “I’ll be right back,” Nat said instead of answering, rushing out of the door behind Hangman.
Alright, he couldn’t take anymore of this. He needed to sleep. He settled back on his pillow and was out in seconds.
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Twenty-for hours later and Bradley didn’t remember anything more nor feel better at all. The doctors didn’t seem too worried though, they assured him he’d make a full recovery, physically at least. On the memory side they didn’t know and they didn’t seem too interested. That was the thing with military hospitals, as long as you could still serve, you were considered good enough.
They advised not to tell him anything, to not shock him more than he already was. They believed things would come back to him gradually since his brain looked fine. All he needed was rest and time. If Bradley felt any better he would have thrown something at their faces. But he could only manage to stay awake for half an hour tops, so any physical activity would have to wait.
Nat was there every time he woke up, once with her new WSO, Bob, and Bradley didn’t know what to think of him. The man looked very sweet and totally harmless, but he knew from experience this kind of guy couldn’t keep up with Natasha. And those two seemed to get along perfectly well and Bradley felt very good about it. Nat deserved a WSO that respected her and would follow her into anything. Men in the navy could be real morons when they had to fly with a woman.
It’s Bob who convinced her to tell him a few things. Nothing major, but at least why they lived permanently in San Diego and who composed the Daggers. Bradley was glad to find out he knew and liked a few of them. He could have done without Hangman though, but according to Bob the man’s attitude improved since he last remembered him.
He was waking up for the third time that day and the doctor announced to him he could go home as long as he wasn’t alone. Nat suggested he could live with Maverick, which of course he didn’t take well. He had forbid the man to come and visit him, it wasn’t to go crash on his couch. Bradley didn’t care if they had survived an impossible mission together, he didn’t see how it could have changed what Maverick did and what it meant. He believed Bradley wasn’t good enough to fly and Bradley couldn’t move past that.
“Alright, we actually came up with something, but I swear if you’re being a bitch I’ll drive you back here immediately,” she threatened. Bradley was too happy with the prospect of leaving the hospital that he didn’t even protest. Hospitals were the worst.
“I’ll be good, I swear. Scout honor !” he promised, his hand up. “That’s not the scout’s sign.” “How would I know, I wasn’t one ?” he explained with a big smile, making Nat roll her eyes. “So, what’s the plan ? When do we leave ?” he pressed.
“I’ll stay with you tonight, and the Daggers will take turns staying with you after work. Penny and Amelia will stop by during the day. There won’t be someone all the time, but the doctor agreed it was good enough. Just, don’t do anything dumb when you’re alone,” she explained.
Hum, that sounded ok. He was pretty sure he would sleep for most of it anyway. “Who are Penny and Amelia ?” “They’ll introduce themselves. so will the Daggers, you’re not allowed to object to any of them. Take it or stay here forever.”
Bradley didn’t actually care, he was pretty sure they’d leave after a few days. He could take care of himself without anyone, he had done it most of his life. “I’ll take it,” he announced, holding out his hand for Nat to shake.
It took three more hours to get everything sorted and Bradley’s ass in a wheelchair. His joy at getting out was short lived though, everything was way harder than Bradley imagined it would be. He was light headed, his entire body was killing him, and he couldn’t bend his leg, making it a fucking problem to get into a car. “Why are your legs so long ?” Nat complained while Bob kept moving the passenger seat back. Bradley had to give it to the guy, he was a lot stronger than he looked.
By the time they made it to his house he felt exhausted and ready to crash head first in his bed. Or, carefully lie down on his back with his leg up on cushions. “The fridge is stocked with prepared meals, so, in case you’re alone when you’re hungry, don’t try to be a hero and cook,” Nat smiled proudly, getting him settled on the hospital bed that somehow made its way to his mom’s office. “Did you cook ?” he asked, worried. “No, Ja…” Bob started, only to be elbowed violently in his side. “If you don’t like it, don’t eat it and starve to death”, Nat answered deadpan. Bradley raised his hands in surrender and laid back, ready for this day to be over already.
“So, Bob, tell me a little bit more about you. What happened to you in the last 2 years and a half ?” Bradley asked innocently. “Seriously ? You think you’re subtle ?” Nat intervened. “Come on ! Who cares what the doctors say ? If everyone wants me to remember so badly, just tell me !”
“Stop whining,” Nat ordered, rolling her eyes. “You know what the doctor said, it might be too much for your brain to handle. You’re gonna freak out and block everything. Which is very on brand for you, so be patient, eat well, drink a lot of water and be nice to everyone who’ll come to help.” “Why are you so scared I won’t be nice ? When am I not nice ?” he asked, incredulously, looking at Bob. “I heard you weren’t nice to Hangman,” he said softly. “That doesn’t count ! He’s Bagman, he’s not nice,” Bradley reminded them. “We told you, a lot has changed in the last few years,” Nat offered softly. “Come on, get some sleep, you look like you’re about to collapse. I’ll wake you in a few hours to eat and maybe watch a movie if you’re up to it. You don’t get to pick which one.” Bradley would have agreed to pretty much anything at that moment, so he just nodded and closed his eyes. He was pretty sure he was already dreaming when he heard Bob worrying out loud about Jake. Jake.
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The next couple of days were a blur to Bradley. He was barely awake for an hour at a time and he was mostly too out of it to protest to anyone manhandling him. He was happy to see Halo and Yale again, and he would have been happy to see Coyote too if the man hadn’t been so rough and clearly angry about something.
On the third day he finally woke up enough to drag himself to the couch that wasn’t the one he used to jump on when he was a kid and that he didn’t remember buying. He felt a little hungry but he wasn’t sure he could make it to the kitchen after hopping from the office. He’d go in a little while.
He must have dozed off because one second he was alone and the next someone was walking through the door. Penny, he remembered from the previous days. “Look who’s up,” she smiled. It was weird. Bradley didn’t remember her at all and she seemed genuinely happy to see him.
“How are you feeling ?” she asked, sitting in the chair across from him. “Hum, ok. I guess. Better.” Penny nodded, looking at him some more. “I’ll get you something to eat, Brigham said you didn’t eat anything last night.”
Bradley could only agree, watching her move around his house like she’d been there many times before. Nat had only told him she owned the Hard Deck, and no matter how much they could hang out there, Bradley didn’t think that would prevail them to be so close.
She came back after a while with a breakfast sandwich, a tea and his meds. “You’re not allowed to drink coffee yet,” she explained when she saw him eyeing the tea suspiciously. “Thank you,” he remembered to say before attacking his food. Fuck, it felt good to eat. He couldn’t remember the last time he was hungry like that. Penny watched him for a minute with a smile before going around the house, he assumed to clean things up. Once he was done with his food that made him feel awkward.
He almost wished he would go back to sleep, but he really felt better and getting some food into him just increased the sensation. Penny came back with a tea of her own and raised an eyebrow at him like she was expecting something. And, well, Bradley figured it would be stupid to miss the opportunity.
“So, I get why the Daggers are helping, but why are you ?” he articulated slowly. “We’re family,” she simply smiled. It was Bradley’s turn to raise an eyebrow. He didn’t have enough family to forget about it. “I’m Pete’s partner”, she offered. “Ah.” “I know, it’s ok. It will get better again,” she said like a promise. “I highly doubt it,” Bradley opposed. “You forgave him once, you’ll forgive him again.” “You don’t know what he did,” he went on, feeling himself getting riled up. “I do, actually. And I also know why he did it. He’ll tell you again, if you let him.”
Bradley took a moment to gauge her. He trusted Nat to not let anyone he wouldn’t approve of in his house. Proof being, she respected his wish to keep Pete away. So, Penny could be trusted, and not simply because he felt relaxed with her. “Or you could tell me now,” he tried. “No, it’s not my story to tell. And it’s between the two of you.” Bradley was about to argue when she stood up, making it clear she wouldn’t say another word. “Do you need anything before I go ? Amelia will stop by after school, so you still have a few hours to go.” Bradley didn’t need anything except the answers no one wanted to give him, so he answered by the negative and watched her leave.
He still felt unsettled a long time after she was gone. Once more, time passed strangely without him noticing falling asleep or not. But he must have, because at one point, his eyes shot open while he gasped for his dad.
He could feel himself ejecting over and over again, seeing his father’s face instead of his own. On the side of his vision was Pete too, surrounded in white, and Hangman’s face from the hospital. Bradley felt sick, his heart on his lips and too many images without sense whirling in his head.
He managed to stand up, kept his weight on his good leg and shook himself as much as he could without falling down. The terror of his nightmare was still very much present, he needed a distraction and managed to drag himself around the living room. Nat didn’t exactly give him a tour when she brought him back from the hospital, so it was really the first time he got to take it in. It felt weird, just like the last time he came back after his last deployment. Everything was where he remembered letting it, but like it was a few centimeters misplaced. Logically, Bradley knew he was the one misplaced, but still. He moved around, looking closely at his parents’ pictures on the wall, hoping that seeing them smiling and happy would erase his dad’s dead face from his nightmare.
He came to a stop when he noticed a picture of him smiling with Pete, remembering very well when he took down all of the man’s pictures in the house after he found out about his papers. Worse, the picture was recent, proving what everyone was telling him about their reconciliation. Other pictures had made their way to his wall too, and Bradley watched, very confused, images of a past he remembered nothing about. There was a picture of what he assumed was the entire Daggers, of him with Pete, Penny and a blond teenager, of him with Nat, Bob, Coyote and… Hangman ?! at the beach, and in the middle of all of them, empty nails where other pictures had obviously been hanging and taken down for some reason.
Thankfully, it helped him move away from the dread of his nightmare. Unfortunately it made him very angry about his memory loss. The Bradley from these pictures looked happy. Happy and surrounded by people he apparently cared about.
The missing pictures told him that someone was actively hiding things from him in addition to everyone shutting up about his life. This was fucked up. The doctors were idiots, he needed people to tell him everything he had missed. He had the right to know, for Christ’s sake.
He was working himself up, he knew it, but he didn’t care, it felt right. He looked around for his phone, realizing he hadn’t seen it since he woke up at the hospital and his anger only grew. They had probably hidden it from him, great. He took some deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down and to think of the next steps. Realistically he knew there was nothing for him to do right this instant, so he walked back to the couch and turned the TV on, trying to find something not totally lame to watch until Amelia arrived. Whoever she was.
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Amelia was actually the teenager from his wall. Go figure. “So, you’re Penny’s kid,” he guessed after a few awkward minutes of silence. A lot was happening on Amelia’s face, and Bradley was comfortable with none of them. “Do you still not remember anything ?” He made a face and shrugged, Amelia looked ready to burst into tears. “Don’t you have anything better to do than to hang out with an invalid ?” he tried to joke. She did not like it. “No ! How could you even think that ? You’re everyone's priority until you get better,” she announced like it was a well known fact. Bradley felt even worse to not remember her and his plan to bribe her for information felt deeply wrong now.
“Do you want something to eat ? Or drink ? It’ll go faster if you go get it but really, help yourself.” “Why don’t you want Pete to come ? You know he was at the hospital non-stop when you were unconscious,” Amelia said instead. “Um, Pete and I are not really friendly these days. I know you know.” “No, you’re fine now. And i know you know, so just talk to him and get over it. He’s wandering around the house all sad and worried, it sucks,” Amelia informed him. And as much as Bradley didn’t care about Pete’s emotional state, he knew an opening when he saw one.
“Do you know what happened between us ?” he asked like he didn’t care about the answer. Amelia was too smart though, and she didn’t get fooled. “I’m not supposed to, honestly, but yes. And I won’t tell you, even if I really want to. It’s between you and Pete.”
Bradley made a face, unpleased, but didn’t insist. None of this was on Amelia, and he didn’t want to abuse the trust of a teenager who seemed to actually like him a lot.
“Wanna play Mortal Kombat ?” he offered instead. Amelia looked for a second like she was going to push it, to tell him he had to go talk to Pete, but she let it go. “You’re going down,” she threatened.
Amelia was very good at Mortal Kombat and apparently, Bradley was the reason why. Some part of him was pretty proud. Turned out though, watching TV all day and then some more to play a video game was a very bad idea when you got a concussion. “You look very white,” Amelia worried after another win. “I’m fine, I just need a break,” he smiled tightly.
Amelia was up in a second, getting him some water and painkillers. Bradley hated that she was worried because of him, and it was very unsettling to feel this deeply for a girl he didn’t remember. “So, tell me, do we usually hang out like this ?” he asked with a smile, hoping she’d get that he wanted the answer to be ‘yes’.
“Well, not exactly like this,” she started, already cheered up, “but yeah. I come here anytime Mom and Pete get gross, sometimes J… to get help with my homeworks,” she recovered quickly from an obvious panic but Bradley had no idea what she wanted to say originally. Another secret then. “But you’re also at the house a lot. Holidays, family diners, birthdays… Some of the Daggers come a lot too, Phoenix likes to joke Pete adopted all of them. Also we have a big garden and we’re not far from the Hard Deck. You said you’ll take me with you when I turn 21, and Mom promised she’d take the night off,” she explained with a giant smile.
Alright, Bradley felt better. Amelia was very cute, it was impossible to not like her and to feel bad around her.
She kept telling him about her life and some of her highschool drama and she didn’t stop even when he dozed off. Her voice was a nice background sound.
He woke up to the smell of chili and to a pop song he never heard before. “Hey sleeping beauty. Feeling better ?” “Are you eating my food ?” “I don’t think you can call it your food if you didn’t buy it nor cooked it,” Amelia opposed. “It was in my fridge though,” he pointed. Amelia just shrugged. “I was hungry. Do you want some before I go ? Jake made a tone of it, said it was your favorite,” she dropped, her mouth full. Bradley frowned and tried to make sense of it but came up empty handed. “Jake, Seresin ?” he asked, incredulous. Amelia froze, fork mid air, before coughing a little. “Yeah, I heard that you used to be mortal enemies or something, but that was before. You’re good now,” she said with a pretend lightness and went back to her food.
That was even more unbelievable than him burying the hatchet with Pete but he let it slide. It didn’t really matter. “I’ll have some chili,” he said eventually. It made Amelia smile like he was the one doing her a favor. He listened to her shuffling things around in the kitchen before she came back with a fuming bowl just for him. It smelt just as good as it did for her, and it looked good too, so Bradley pushed aside the weird feeling he got thinking that Hangman had cooked it and shoved a big spoon in his mouth. It was fucking delicious and something in his brain just snapped. He had this before. He had this before and he got filled with such deep love, and the sure feeling that he belonged where he was that it was too much. He choked on the food his eyes teared up and he knew perfectly well that it wasn’t because he almost got beans through his nose.
“Bradley ! Are you okay ?” Amelia worried besides him. Bradley didn’t realize she’d move and he could barely see her through his tears but she was rubbing his back like it could help him go through it. Except it felt like too much too.
How did he find himself in this position ? How did he have people that cared for him so much while he couldn’t remember them at all ? Why some fucking chili made him feel like he had found his place in the world ? Like he would never be without love anymore.
“I’m fine,” he forced out once the coughing had stopped enough for him to breathe. Tears were running freely on his face but Amelia, bless her heart, didn’t say anything. Bradley really hoped she believed it was only due to the food going through the wrong pipe and nothing else.
“Maybe we should only feed you soup,” she joked. She still looked worried, eyebrows frowned and lips pinched together. “Maybe”, he agreed easily. No one could have good memories attached to soup. Probably.
“I think I need to go lie down, I’m tired and I’m sure you have friends waiting for you in the real world,” he smiled as reassuringly as he could. Amelia didn’t lose her serious expression but she nodded anyway. “I’ll help you get to bed, you’ll be better there.” Bradley wanted to object, to not rely so much on her, but she was right and the prospect of lying properly in a bed and maybe hiding under the cover to pretend nothing was wrong was too good to pass on. And he knew he felt way too shitty to make it there by himself.
He managed to not completely lean on her on the way to the office but he couldn’t help the sigh of relief that came when he was finally settled. “I’m fine, don’t make this face,” he said. “You don’t look fine. You look like crap,” she opposed. “Straight to the heart,” Bradley said with a hand to his chest like he was actually wounded by her statement. It made her smile a little so he counted it as a win. “You’re good going home alone ? Let’s be clear, I’m not offering to take you wherever you live,” he added, pointing at his plastered leg, “but maybe we can call someone to come get you.” Amelia rolled her eyes like she was trying to make them go all around like only teenagers can do. “I’m not a baby, I can go places by myself.” “I’m not a baby and I can’t,” he reminded her with a satisfied grin. Amelia rolled her eyes again but she didn’t try to hide a smile. “I have my bike and I live on Bluff Place, I’ll be there in less than 10 minutes,” she reassured him. He nodded like he was satisfied but really it made him feel very unsettled to know that Maverick was so close.
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Like it was the norm now, Bradley didn’t remember falling asleep. One second he was talking to Amelia, the other he was desperately trying to untangle himself from his sheet, covered in sweat and his heart beating too fast. It was pitch dark around him, and since he was pretty sure he woke up screaming and that no one was running to see him, he was alone in the house. The thought made his throat tie up and his eyes tear up.
He was alone. He almost died, just like his dad did. His mom was gone too, and he couldn’t talk to Pete anymore. Alone. Alone. Alone.
And why did Hangman not come yet ? If they were friends like everyone seemed to think now ? Why did he feel like he could cook for Bradley but not show his face to physically help like all of the other members of the Daggers ? Bradley wasn’t sure why it hurt so much but it did and it made him both want to cry harder and to break something. But his head was killing him, pulsing behind his eyes again and he couldn’t stop seeing Pete in the middle of a too white landscape. Nothing made sense and Bradley was fucking tired of all of it.
He felt helpless and he wanted it to stop. He wanted it to make sense. He wanted people to stop hiding things from him like they knew better than him what he needed. He needed to know.
He needed to speak with Pete. He didn’t know why it didn’t piss him off like it did just the day before, but the pull felt a lot stronger than the residual anger he could still feel behind his ribs. He needed to speak to Pete and he needed to do it now.
He ignored the pain that irradiated through his entire body and carefully got out of bed. His clothes were drenched with sweat and he was both cold and hot but it didn’t really matter. Thanks to Amelia he knew where he needed to go, even if he had to bang on every door along Bluff Place.
He dragged himself through the house, leaning on the walls and banging into some furniture he didn’t remember being there. And plants. When did he get so many plants? And why ? He knocked over a big one near the kitchen’s door and he regretted not being stable enough to properly kick it over and over. Maybe when he’d come back.
It took him way too long to get to the Bronco. The sun was already casting a soft glow on the horizon, Bradley could already guess it would be a beautiful day and it was such a shame it was starting as such a shitty one for him. He couldn’t drive, he realized brutally. The Branco wasn’t an automatic, he needed both his legs. He let out a deep groan that would scare anyone awake in the neighborhood but he was too upset to care. He couldn’t walk all the way to Buffle Place, he wasn’t that delusional.
He looked down at his leg, then at the floor of the Bronco on the other side of the window and sighed. He managed to walk all this way, how much harder would driving be ? He’d be slow, sure, but it’d still be a lot faster than trying to walk. It would hurt like a motherfucker, but he could press his foot on the clutch by turning his hip.
Resolut, he opened the door and inserted himself in the driver’s seat. All of him except for his leg, who was ridiculously still outside the car. Bradley pushed his seat all the way back and carried it inside. If he sat with one butt cheek closer to the wheel than the other, he could make it. Easy.
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Bradley pushed on the brake as hard as he could but he still didn’t stop fast enough to not knock over Pete’s bike. It went down slowly with barely any noise and he almost regretted to not have hit it full speed. Even if his speed had been around 13 miles per hour. At least no one was rushing out of the houses.
He took a second to breathe, head falling back on the headerst. He was exhausted and even sweatier than when he woke up, but he was still determined enough to keep going. He got out of the car slowly and made his way toward the house. He really hoped he didn’t mistake Pete’s bike for someone else’s, that would make a really awkward talk. But who else could own a Kawasaki Ninja H2 in this neighborhood ?
He managed to get out of the car more easily than he got in and dragged himself slowly toward the house. It would be truly humiliating to fall into the bushes but it almost felt like a good idea at that moment. Fuck he was exhausted.
A light got turned on on his left and suddenly Bradley could see Jake through what he assumed was the kitchen window. He felt a strange sense of normalcy ; Jake was always up at the ass crack of dawn. He blinked the thought away and frowned, wondering what the hell Jake was doing at Penny’s house. And why was it a relief to see him there ?
Bradley stayed there, watching him move around for so long, feeling more settled than he ever did since he woke up at the hospital, that he eventually lost balance. He barely got the time to shout “Oh shit” that he was falling into the bushes. And it was absolutely not as comfortable as he thought it would be for a few seconds. It was nice to not be on his feet anymore, honestly, but it fucking scratched like hell. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he grated between clenched teeth. He tried to roll over but he couldn’t find enough support on the leaves and the branches ; and he was honestly too tired. What was he thinking ?
Everything hurt and he was pretty sure he was only seconds away from being sick. Natasha was going to murder him. If a concerned neighbor didn’t do it first of course.
Above him the sky was getting brighter and his mind wandered to flying. He was already starting to miss it. Even if the doctors took off his cast in a few weeks, he’d need physiotherapy, a lot of it. They said he could expect to be cleared for duty in 5 months at the earliest. An eternity when flying was the only thing he had.
“Bradley ?!” a voice called, sounding incredulous, on his right. Bradley managed to turn his head enough to see Hangman running his way, the front door wide open behind him. Bradley’s heart twisted at the worried look on Jake’s face and he blinked it away. “What - how - are you okay ?”
Was Bradley okay ? No, definitely not, but he wasn’t about to tell it to Hangman of all people. Didn’t matter that it felt strangely settling to see him. “What are you doing here ?” he barked instead.
It got the advantage of calming Hangman’s worrying look, annoyance taking over. “Are you serious right now ? You’re ass deep into bushes with a non-working leg, I’m here to get you out, unless you want some poor neighbor to do it ?” Hangman hissed.
That made Bradley smile so brightly his cheeks instantly hurt. It was so normal to have Hangman pissed off at him it was like a weight was being lifted from his chest. “What is so funny ?” Hangman asked, incredulous now. Bradley looked up at him, took on his raised eyebrows and started to laugh. Hangman only looked more confused but Bradley could see something shine in his eyes. The first made him laugh harder, the second made some warmth spread in his chest.
“Alright, calm down, you’re gonna fall so deeply between the branches I’ll never manage to get your ass out.” Bradley just kept laughing. He was laughing so hard now that he could barely see the sky above him and his chest was hurting from the lack of air and the jolts.
How did he find himself in this position ? How could his life become so ridiculous that he was stuck in a bush in front of his estranged legal guardian’s house ?
He wasn’t sure when the laughter turned into sobs but there he was, ass deep into a bush, hurt all over, sobbing harder than he did in years. “Bradley,” he heard Jake called softly. It made him cry harder.
He didn’t understand why he was going from Hangman to Jake to Hangman again in his head. Normally, having him hovering above him while he was losing it would make him angry and ashamed as hell. A part of him still wanted to shout at him to get lost, to get away, but a bigger part was terrified of Jake leaving him.
It didn’t make sense.
It lasted a while, long enough for the sun to get higher and for cars to start driving in front of the house every few minutes. Eventually Bradley calmed down enough for the sobs to stop. He felt raw and empty, too tired to be embarrassed at least.
“Bradley,” he heard again, and this time it wasn’t Hangman. He almost broke down again at the sight of Pete, but he was all out of tears. “Come on kid, let’s get you inside,” he announced gently. He let them pull him out of the bush, not helping at all, heavy as hell and not caring about the manhandling. They got him settled on the couch, Jake already moving away before Bradley could even think about stopping him somehow. “It’s alright Bridley, you’re good here, ok ? Just rest, we’ll talk later,” Pete offered. Rest sounded good so he nodded and closed his eyes, hoping it would make him disappear.
_____________________________________________________
Bradley did not disappear. He woke up with a loud gasp, disoriented, his heart full of dread and his mind running from one terrifying thing to another. “Easy kid, it’s fine, you’re safe,” Pete’s voice stated next to him. Bradley made an effort to take big breaths and to focus on the place he was actually at, and not at the white forest he couldn’t get his mind off of. He didn’t recognize any of it but it still felt familiar somehow. He remembered he came at Penny’s after a bit, and made a face when he recalled his scene in the bushes.
He sat up eventually, accepting Pete’s help without cringing at all, feeling even grateful for it. “How are you feeling ?” “Like shit”, he answered easily. Everything hurt, just like usual, but there was something more this time. “You got shut down,” he whispered before looking right into Pete’s eyes.
Bradley could see his godfather’s plane get hit just like it was happening right that instant, feeling the same dread all over again. “But you came for me,” Pete answered easily. “We almost died,” Bradley answered back. “We didn’t.” Bradley heard Jake’s voice for some reason but it didn’t stick and he didn’t try to chase it.
“Do you remember all of it ?” Pete asked, doing a bad job at hiding his hope. Since all he could remember was fear, violence and hurt, Bradley sure didn’t hope so. “Only the bad stuff apparently,” he shrugged like he was not deeply affected by all of it.
Pete’s shoulders sagged a little but he hid his disappointment with a real smile. “The good things will come back to you eventually. I’m sure of it,” he said, clasping Bradley’s back gently.
It was weird and also not at all to be so at ease around his godfather. He couldn’t remember forgiving him but, somehow, he wasn’t mad at all anymore. “Can’t you tell me anything ? Don’t I remember enough for you to fill the gaps ?” Pete searched his face for a moment and Bradly did his best to look stable enough to inspire reassurance. “I guess I can tell you a little,” Pete agreed. Bradley managed to hide his giant smile but just enough.
“Don’t look so happy, I’m only telling you about the mission. Hopefully having the full story will ease your nightmares,” Pete tempered. It was still better than nothing so Bradley nodded and settled back on the couch, ready to hear about something that happened to him like it was a bedtime story.
Everything Pete said kind of echoed with something settled somewhere in his brain. Even Hangman’s part in all of it. “Is that why everyone is such a big fan of him now ?” he asked with a face. “It’s the start of it. He was never a bad person, you know.” Bradley wasn’t convinced but he didn’t want to start an argument about Hangman. Where was he, anyway ? “He went to work,” Pete said before Bradley could even think of verbalizing his question. “Why is he staying with you anyway ?” he asked harshly, feeling a little betrayed by everyone. “He’s doing some works at his,” ¨Pete dismissed with a wave of his hand. “How do you feel ? Hungry ? We went to get you painkillers if you need them.” Bradley rubbed his hands over his face, wondering if his life would ever make sense to him again. “I could eat,” he said instead of fighting for more information. He was having a nice moment with his godfather, for all he knew, the first one in over 15 years, maybe he could let himself enjoy it a little.
______________________________
When Pete brought him back home later that day, driving the Bronco and frowning about his bike, Bradley asked him to stay. He didn’t know if he meant for a few hours or for a few days but he was deeply glad when he woke up the next morning to Pete badly singing in his kitchen.
Bradley felt better, it was undeniable. If he had a nightmare he couldn’t remember it, but he did remember love words in his ear and soft touch on his skin. He was really frustrated to not be able to link them to a face.
It went on like that for a couple of days. Pete slept on his couch, Penny, Amelia and some of the Daggers still came around during the day, and Bradley felt more and more like himself. He remembered things like a movie he went to see with Phoenix a few months before, how Bob really liked pistachios, that Amelia had a crush on Fanboy and did not tolerate any teasing about it… A lot of things that made his life and that helped him felt more and more settled.
Except he could feel a big chunk missing. A deep ache inside his chest that wouldn’t go away no matter how good a moment he was having. Sometimes, during a conversation, he would turn to catch somebody’s eyes, to smile at them, and everything would still around him because the person he was looking for wasn’t there.
Bradley felt better and yet, he was getting more and more on edge. Frustrated beyond words when he could almost catch what he was missing only to have it slide between his fingers again.
When Phoenix's birthday party came around, ten days after Bradley had left the hospital, it was after a night he woke up flustered and with his first erection since the accident. That time, he could feel the touch of the mystery man from his dreams but he still couldn’t see his face or anything that could identify him. It was maddening, really.
“I’m so happy you’re alive Rooster,” Payback declared, heavily leaning on him, after a few drinks. Bradley wasn’t allowed to have alcohol and he was suddenly glad for it because it meant he wouldn’t forget anything that might happen. “Me too Payback, me too.” “We were so scared. I really thought Hangman was gonna crash after you,” he slurred a little. “What ? Why ?” “Ok Reuben, you’re cut off,” Fanboy intervened, taking Payback away before Bradley could even react. No one had told him Hangman was at risk of crashing like he did during the exercise that turned into an accident.
He was obviously fine, so Bradley wasn’t sure why it rattled him so much, but it did.
“What’s up Rooster ? Remember when you kidnapped Amiral Smith’s dog yet ?” Phoenix asked, jumping over the bench to sit next to him. “I wish I could forget that, but since it was during the academy, yes, I do remember.” She only smiled cheekily at him and Bradley was glad at least one person felt good enough to joke about his memory loss. It made him feel less guilty.
“How’s the birthday girl ?” Her smile got bigger as she looked around her garden where people were eating and drinking happily. “It’s a good day,” she admitted. They stayed in a comfortable silence for a moment, enjoying the relaxed mood and the nice weather.
“How you feelin’ ?” she asked eventually, gulping her beer like the menace she was. “Better, I guess,” Bradley sighed. “I don’t want to punch Mav in the face anymore so, that’s something.” She nodded, like she understood exactly what he meant. He guessed she did, if he ever ended up telling anyone what happened between Pete and him, that was her.
“You didn’t tell me Hangman was at risk of crashing too ?” he didn’t mean for it to sound like an accusation but it did. He didn’t even mean to ask even, but for some reason he really wanted to know. It didn’t sit right with him. “He didn’t,” she frowned. “Who told you he was ?”
Well, maybe Payback was drunker than Bradley realized. “What happened then ?” Natasha wriggled on her seat, uncomfortable, and Bradley thought maybe he should back off and asked someone who wasn’t being celebrated.
“He was never in danger, but he tried to help and for a second we thought he was going after you,” she explained slowly, biting her lips and refusing to look at his face. Bradley frowned, trying to make sense of it. Hangman wasn’t the type to do inconsiderate things like that ; you couldn’t help a fellow pilot by crashing with him.
“Speaking of the devil,” Phoenix announced, jumping on her feet. She made her way to the door where Hangman and Coyote just appeared and Bradley’s heart jumped in his throat. He suddenly felt more trapped in the seat he couldn’t easily leave than ever. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was a seating duck or because he couldn’t go and welcome Hangman himself. Which was an unexpected thought.
When Hangman’s eyes fell on him Bradley felt himself get warm and nervous. A part of him wanted to call Hangman to come over but he restrained from doing it. No matter what people said, they weren’t friends, they couldn’t be. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t look away and that it hurt when Hangman did.
Now he felt sorry that he couldn’t drink and get completely shit faced.
He was relieved when Amelia fell next to him, even if she looked somber than the event called for. “What’s going on with you ?” “Nothing,” she grumbled, eyes fixed on Fanboy and the girl he was talking to. “Ah.” Bradley bit back the smile he felt stretching his lips. He remembered how serious crushes could be at Amelia’s age, and the last thing he wanted to do was make fun of her or make her uncomfortable. But it was cute, and he wondered how Fanboy hadn’t realized it yet. Not that it would change anything, Amelia was in highschool and Fanboy wasn’t a predator.
“I’d ask you to dance if I could,” he offered. Amelia scoffed but she couldn’t hide the beginning of a smile very well. “You’re a terrible dancer.” “I am not !” he defended himself, offended. “You are,” another voice teased lightly. Bradley tensed violently when he recognized Hangman, turning to see him standing in front of them, skin golden and hair ruffled like someone had run their hands in it. “What’s up Rooster ?” he asked before taking a sip of his beer. Bradley couldn’t help but stare at his throat and at his Adam’s apple going up and down. “Hangman… You look… good,” he heard himself say.
He almost slapped himself for how stupid that was but Hangman was suddenly smiling brightly at him, eyes shining and with wrinkles at the corner. “I am good Rooster, I am very good,” Hangman answered, giving Bradley the weirdest sense of deja vu. “Too good to be true,” he whispered to himself, frowning at the floor. “Did you say that before ?” he asked, looking back up at Hangman. He was still smiling, but something softer shone in his eyes now. “I might have,” he agreed gently.
Gentle Hangman was disturbing.
Silence fell over them and Bradley desperately searched for something to say so Hangman wouldn’t leave. He didn’t try to understand why, he simply could feel panic rising at the idea of his former rival turning away. “So, how have you been ? Didn’t see you at my house yet,” he heard himself reproach. Great move to make him stay. Good job Rooster.
“Didn’t think you’d want to see me,” Jake answered without any spike. And here it was again, Jake.
Bradley shrugged, not wanting to admit that he did want to see Jake, even to himself. “Apparently you’re not so bad, kinda wanted to see it with my own eyes.”
He expected Jake to get upset, or to attack him in some way, but he didn’t. He kept smiling at Bradley like he was happy to simply talk to him.
Weird, weird, weird.
“I did cook though,” Jake reminded, pointing his finger at him. Right, Bradley forgot. “You did, and it almost killed me,” he answered easily, like it was a joke. Jake blinked, his smile falling and Bradley missed it instantly. “No but it was good, and I’m not dead so it’s totally fine,” he said quickly, hoping to get Jake happy again. “I didn’t know you could cook,” he added, almost shyly.”
He saw Jake sat next to him from the corner of his eyes and he took a second to wonder when Amelia left. “I’ll cook more for you, if you want,” Jake offered, nudging his shoulder with his. Was he flirting ? No, no, that wasn’t possible. Was it ? Why was he blushing ? And why was he feeling tingly all over ?
“So, how long do you think it’ll take Amelia to ruin Fanboy’s chance at scoring today ?” Jake asked, sitting back on the bench. Bradley welcomed the change of subject gladly and looked for Amelia. She was only a few feet away from where Fanboy was still flirting with Nat’s friend, shooting daggers at them. “Oh poor guy only has 10 more minutes, tops.”
They stayed on that bench all afternoon and until the night fell, watching their friends evolve around them, laughing at them, rooting for them… It was fun, and easy, and so natural.
When his body hurt too much to keep pretending he couldn’t feel it, Jake noticed right away. “I’ll get your meds,” he offered, already standing up. “No, they make me sleepy, I don’t want to,” Bradley said, whining just a little bit. “Come on, don’t be a baby,” Jake teased. “I’ll take you home,” he winked and Bradley blushed again as Jake was walking away.
Natasha came to see them off, thanking them profusely for coming and kissing their cheeks like she was doing it regularly. She was hammered.
“I’ll see you in the morning, ok ?” Pete said, clapping his back. Bradley nodded, already out of it. He waved at Penny and smiled at Amelia who was playing molky with a laughing Fanboy. The girl from earlier was nowhere in sight.
From there it was too fuzzy for Bradley to really keep track of what was happening. He was pretty sure he hummed along the radio on the ride back but he wondered if he imagined Jake hum too.
He didn’t think he could ever forget how he helped him into bed though. Jake was kind, and soft, and Bradley desperately wanted him to stay. “Will you come more often ?” he asked instead, grabbing his arm. “You want me to ?” Jake asked. Bradley nodded, his eyes already closing. “‘s’ nice when you’re here”. He probably imagined Jake’s lips on his forehead, promising he’ll never leave him.
_______________________________________________________
“What’s wrong with you now ?” Phoenix asked from across the table, her head in her hands. She was paying her over drinking from the day before the hard way, so was most of the Daggers that apparently decided his house was the place to be for brunch.
Bradley had been awakened by Amelia who was still excited to have spent so much time with Fanboy and taken to the garden by an overjoyed Maverick. Next to them, Bradley’s mood was clashing. He wasn’t in a bad mood per se, but he was very confused and he desperately wanted to talk to someone about it.
The man from his dreams finally had a face, and to his utter surprise it was Hangman’s. And, sure, the man was attractive, Bradley could at least admit that, and they shared a nice moment the day before, and ok, he kind of wanted to have the man around all of the time, but to the point where he dreamt about him ? That his brain could manage to picture how he would be like in bed ? How he would feel ? Bradley swore he even knew how he smelt.
And worse, he liked it. A part of him wanted to shove it down deep like an inadmissible dream about an attractive jerk but it was a very small part. The much bigger one wanted to find Hangman and kiss him like there was no tomorrow. It wanted to keep him close forever and let Bradley rely on him for his life supply of love.
It was a lot and Bradley didn’t know how to deal with it. He could feel himself start to believe that he and Hangman got along now, but to the point where he wanted to sleep with him ? To have a relationship with him ? That was too much.
If this attraction wasn’t new, maybe he told Phoenix about it already, but it was hard to believe she wouldn’t make fun of him for it so he was reluctant to approach it with her again. “Nothing,” he answered. Thankfully for him, she was hangovered enough that she didn’t insist.
Soon enough, most of the Daggers were there, talking animatedly, sharing food they brought or cooked in Bradley’s kitchen like it was a regular occurrence. At this point Bradley really thought he shared his home with all of them.
Jake and Coyote were the only ones missing, and Bradley couldn’t stop thinking about it. Did he do something to make Jake not want to come ? He couldn’t remember.
Eventually, he found himself alone at the table with Bob who was happily eating eggs benedict, and he believed he trusted him enough to ask him anything. He knew, somehow, that no matter how close he was with Phoenix, he wouldn’t tell her things to make fun of others. “Bob,” he called. “Hum ?” Do I like Hangman ?” “I don’t know, do you ?” Bob asked back, not even looking up from his eggs.
He didn’t even seem surprised by the question, which for Bradley was surprising enough. “I wouldn’t ask if I knew,” he opposed. “I think you would, actually,” Bob smiled, finally looking at him. Maybe Bradley should ask someone else.
When Jake finally arrived, Bradley was back on the couch, his plastered leg on the coffee table, Nat’s head on his lap and his hand in her hair. Jake’s smile was soft when he looked at Bradley and the tension in his chest eased.
Jake and Coyote disappeared for a while but Bradley could hear them first in the kitchen with Halo, then in the garden with Mav and Penny. Eventually, Phoenix came back to herself and jumped away from him, not without asking him if he wanted to come with her outside. He refused, somehow sure being alone in the living room would attract Jake. And sure thing, not even two minutes had passed when Jake came to sit with him. He kept some distance by sitting on the chair on Bradley’s right, but he felt better instantly to have him closer.
They stayed quiet for a bit, Jake looking at an invisible point on the floor, eyebrows frowned. Bradley, hands clenched together, desperately trying to find what to say that would make Jake look at him with a smile. “So, hum, did you get home okay ?” he finally asked, feeling lame instantly. But at least Jake was looking at him now, and he wasn’t frowning. “Just fine,” he drawled, a small smile finally tucking at ther corner of his mouth. It made Bradley instantly feel better.
“So, hum, you’re still staying at Mav’s ?” Bradley asked, having no idea what to talk about next. How was he supposed to converse with his former nemesis who he may or may not have a crush on ? “Still, the works at my place are taking longer than I hoped,” Jake answered easily, a new light in his eyes. Bradley only hummed, having no idea if it was ok or not to ask for more details. He didn’t remember even going to Jake’s house. Hell, he didn’t even remember that Jake had a house around here.
“How are you feeling ?” Jake asked then, way too soft for Bradley to handle. “Fine,” he said dismissively, shrugging. “Is it true we’re friends ?” he asked quickly, changing the subject and watching Jake intently to not miss any of his reaction. “We are,” Jake nodded, like it was that easy. Bradley felt even more confused.
“I’m sorry about the hospital. I was a jerk to you,” Bradley apologized. He didn’t expect the hurt that flash through Jake’s eyes then, how he physically recoiled a little before catching himself. Bradley could almost feel it. “Don’t worry about it. I remember how we were before the mission, it’s fine.” “It’s not fine, I should have known better. Even before, you wouldn’t have come to the hospital with bad intentions, I should have known better,” Bradley insisted. It made Jake smile again. “Apologies accepted then.”
Bradley felt a little better, the air around them seemed a little lighter. But it still wasn’t enough. He still wanted Jake closer, he still wanted to understand why he was so obsessed with him. He wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to have him around all the time.
“I can hear you think from all the way over here, Rooster. What’s going on in that bird brain of yours ?” Jake asked without any heat. Bradley blushed, couldn’t help it, even if Jake couldn’t possibly imagine what he had in mind. “Nothing,” he lied, eyes falling to his lap where his hands were still tied together.
From the corner of his eye he saw Jake move and he tried to think of something to make him stay. He had never been a good conversationalist and yeah, this exchange was so awkward it was almost painful, but he didn’t want to see him go. What if he didn’t come back ?
His panic was short-lived though, and replaced by a new one, because Jake didn’t leave, he came to sit on the couch right next to Bradley. So close he could feel the heat emanating from him. It became a lot harder to restrain himself to jump on him to kiss him. His fingers tingled from the want to grab Jake’s.
“Bradley, what are you thinking ?” Jake whispered, moving so his knee was touching Bradley’s thigh. This Jake was a lot more like the one from Bradley’s dreams than the one from his memories. The memories from before the mission that, according to everyone, changed a lot of things in his life. Bradley didn’t think he was wrong to trust this Jake.
From this close, he could see the nuance of the green in his eyes. He wouldn’t have to lean too much to kiss him, and that thought brought a very clear image of him doing just that. He had to blink and shake his head to get rid of it, his heart beating harder and the now usual frustration rising in his chest.
“I just… I dream a lot,” he started, feeling both vulnerable and upset, “and it feels real sometimes. I don’t know how to make the difference between dreams and memories,” he confessed, crossing his arms on his chest.
“So ask,” Jake offered, like it was that simple.
Bradley looked back up, looking for any sign indicating that Jake was messing with him in any way. This Jake was confident but not pretentious, and a part of Bradley was used to that already. Did Jake change during all this time, or did Bradley finally see through the dick exterior ?
“Don’t think Bradley, just do it,” Jake encouraged, leaning forward. Bradley stopped breathing, and maybe his heart stopped a little too, only to start beating even harder when Jake’s eyes fell to his mouth. He didn’t imagine that, he didn’t. So he did just that, he stopped thinking, and leaned forward too. He could feel Jake’s breath on his lips and it felt both unbelievable and so normal that Bradley got dizzy with it.
“I’m telling you ! There is no way you can beat me at this,” Payback shouted from the glassdoor. Bradley jumped away from Jake, probably as red as a beet, and tried to ignore how disappointed Jake looked. He couldn’t be, could he ?
Payback and Fanboy got inside the house, completely ignorant of what they just interrupted.
________________________________
Bradley couldn’t sleep. No matter how hard he tried to empty his head, he just kept thinking about Jake and how he simply knew how it felt like to kiss him. But how ? The doctors had asked to keep him in the dark with most things but his friends wouldn’t have gone as far as to hide an entire relationship. Not when everyone kept bugging him about how Maverick and he were on good terms again.
Maybe they were just fucking.
No, it didn’t feel right either. So what was he missing ? What the fuck were they to each other ?
Upset, he threw the covers away and sat up in his bed. He needed to do something, anything. It was easier to move with his plastered leg now. Not easy, and not for long, but he could move around like he wanted without any help. He had less than one week left with it anyway, he could manage.
He started by going through the living room, looking at the pictures on the wall again, trying very hard to remember the ones that had been taken away. He had accused his friends after the accident, but maybe he took them down, like he did with the Pete’s ones all those years ago. He was both glad to be alone for his search and disappointed that no one was here to give him pointers, if not answers.
At some point in his careful search, he found himself at the bottom of his stairs. He didn’t go there once since he came back, and he didn’t give it any thought. From what he remembered, the second floor of his home was reserved to sleep and shower, not many memories were made there since his mother died. Tonight though, there was something calling him there. Something whispering that it became a place where soft, deep, important memories were made again.
So he made his way upstairs, slowly, carefully, vaguely wondering if he’d break his neck falling. He was fully sweating and out of breath when he made it to the top , but the feeling that something was waiting for him there was stronger.
When he arrived at the bedroom door though, nothing seemed too significant. The curtains were different but he suddenly remembered buying them three years before when the previous ones straight up fell off when he opened them one morning. The sheets were new too, and that he didn’t remember choosing, but people bought linen, it wasn’t a big deal.
He sat heavily on the bed, his entire body letting him know he was putting it through too much exhaustion. From there he noticed one of the bedside tables was suspiciously empty. He usually always had books and countless clutter on it. He leaned over and opened the wardrobe, frowning when he saw all of his shirts packed on one side, like he had got rid of half of his clothes. He knew for sure he didn’t though.
He rubbed his hands over his face, sighing heavily. Something kept tugging at his mind, like he was close to what he was looking for. It was so frustrating. He fell back on the bed, thinking that maybe sleeping there would turn on a switch in his brain and that he would remember everything in the morning. There was no way he was going back down now anyway.
The room felt nice, nicer than he remembered but he couldn’t pinpoint why, and he was exhausted, but sleep was still avoiding him. If he had his phone we would call Jake without hesitation, no matter that he wouldn’t know what to tell him if he picked up. He just wanted to hear his voice.
After scanning the ceiling, his eyes fell on a box on the top of the wardrobe. The only one that wasn’t a faded yellow covered in dust. Reaching it was harder with one leg, and Bradley had started to feel dizzy about halfway through the stairs, so really it wasn’t a surprise when the box escaped him and fell to the floor, its contents bursting out and onto the parquet.
Jake was suddenly staring at Bradley from a dozen photos, some in frames, most not. Bradley’s legs finally gave up and he fell to his knees where the photos were. Jake and him, happy on every one of them. Smiling at each other, hugging each other, kissing each other.
Bradley couldn’t breath, his brain supplied him with more pictures. Moving ones, of Jake and him, of their story. Memories.
That was what his dreams were all along, memories of their time together. Bradley remembered the first time they kissed, on the carrier after the mission, heated and messy, the first time they woke up together, smiling so big Bradley could still feel his cheeks hurt from it. He remembered how hard it had been when they were separated for one last deployment outside of the Daggers, but how happy their reunion was. He remembered when Jake moved in with him and how they forgot about the dinner he had cooked as a celebration because they were too busy making out. He remembered being bullied into purchasing a new couch because Jake threatened to never fool around on it if he didn’t get one you couldn’t feel the springs of. He remembered proposing. He remembered Jake saying ‘yes’.
He remembered all of it, including the last few weeks.
How he told Jake to fuck off when he first saw him at the hospital. How Jake’s face had fallen, how hurt he looked when Bradley got mad. How Bradley didn’t recognize him for who Jake really was to him over and over again.
He felt sick, his hands shaking and tears clouding his vision. Painfully, as fast as he could he dragged himself to the bathroom but half missed the toilet. He didn’t care. His entire world had been spun on its axis. It was a relief but mostly the biggest punch to the gut. How could he have forgotten Jake ? How could Jake have stayed so kind to him when Bradley had been such a jerk ?
More memories kept coming back, more than what Bradley could process and he got sick again before his brain finally shut down and took him under.
__________________________________________________
“Bradley, come on, that’s right, you’re fine, easy,” Natasha’s voice guided. Bradley wasn’t so sure of what was going on at first, then he noticed the hard tiled floor under him and the strong smell of vomit from everywhere.
And then, like he was getting punched again, he remembered Jake.
“No, no, calm down, you’re fine, everything’s fine,” Nat urged, pushing him back down, both hands on his chest. “Jake,” he called breathlessly. He needed to see Jake, he needed to talk to him, to apologize, he needed… “Jake’s fine, we can call him in a minute, but you need to calm down first, alright ?”
Tears were already running down his face again but Bradley pushed against his panic to calm down. Nat’s hand in his hair helped a little. “Fuck Rooster, you scared the hell out of me. How are you feeling ?” she asked, squeezing his hand with the one that wasn’t in his hair still.
“Awful,” he said honestly. “I could have forgotten him, Nat ?” he asked, his voice broken. “It’s not your fault, you can’t blame yourself for it. Besides,” she continued before he could disagree, “you remember him now, that’s the most important. Come on now, let’s get you washed up, you stink.” “Jake, please call Jake,” Bradley all but begged. “I will, let’s get you in the tub first. Get a head start on getting presentable because once I call him, we’ll have about 7 minutes before he rushes in here. And I’m sure you don’t care right now, but you don’t want your reunion to happen while you’re that gross, trust me.”
She had a point, so Bradley let her manhandle him until he was decent enough. He helped, he believed, but he wasn’t really sure how. His head hurt like hell, too many memories overlying others, he was still nauseous and sleeping on the tiled floor didn’t help his general wellbeing.
Nat was helping him get his leg up on the bed when they heard the front door slam open. “Bradley ?!” Jake’s voice called from downster. “We’re up here !” Nat answered before Bradley could. He was halfway up when she managed to grab him by the sleeve of his hoodie to maintain him on the bed, and he was still thinking about the best way to fight her when Jake barged in the room. He looked frantic, his eyes scanning Bradley fast, his chest falling and rising at the same speed. Bradley was slapped by the evidence that it must be how he had been the entire time since his accident and that he had had to hide it from him until now.
“Jake,” he croaked, tears running down his face. Jake was on the bed in an instant, eyes lit up by Bradley’s recognition of him, hands hovering above him. “Are you alright ? What happened ?” Bradley grabbed his hands and pulled to have Jake closer until their foreheads touched. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he apologized. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” Jake opposed, voice tight. “I forgot about us, I forgot about you,” he insisted, devastated.
Jake’s hands lifted to frame Bradley’s face, holding him tightly, like he was afraid he’d vanished if he didn’t. “Don’t, darling’, please don’t blame yourself. We’re here now. You…” his voice shook and Bradley didn’t have to open his eyes to know he was biting his bottom lip. He was relishing in Jake’s smell, in the heat coming from him like a parched man presented with water. “I remember everything, love. I do. I think. It’s still messy right now, and a little painful, but I remember. I can’t believe I…” Jake shut him up by kissing him, still framing his face fiercely.
Bradley gave back as much as he got, wondering how he managed to survive without it all those weeks. “How are you feeling, really ?” Jake asked again once the kiss ended. Bradley opened his eyes only to meet Jake’s staring right back at him. “Phoenix said she found you passed out on the floor. We should go to the hospital.” Bradley held him tighter to keep him from moving away, considering the option briefly. “It’s fine, I’m fine. I think I just got overwhelmed.”
Jake leaned back just a little, enough to scan Bradley’s face carefully, his thumbs brushing his jaw. He looked so worried still, like Bradley could vanish in a second. Considering it had happened only a few weeks ago, who could blame him ? “I’ll tell you what, let’s take it easy, and if I don’t feel better by tonight we’ll go get me checked up, alright ?” Bradley offered. Jake didn’t let go of him, still looking concerned but close to giving in. “I just want to be with you,” Bradley confessed, leaning back in to kiss him again. Jake kissed him back, slowly relaxing, allowing Bradley to tip them over until they were lying on the bed, still facing each other, so close their entire bodies were touching everywhere. They stopped kissing only to breathe each other in again.
“You don’t have to go to work, do you ?” Bradley worried later. “No, I was teaching this morning, somebody will cover for me. I don’t care,” Jake disregarded, his hand brushing Bradley’s hair back. Bradley didn’t care either honestly.
“You look like a caveman,” Jake teased after a while, his fingers caressing his cheek. “I can’t stand long and steadily enough to shave,” Bradley sighed. “I only managed to trim the moustache so it wouldn’t go over my lip but that’s about it.” Jake’s thumb grazed said lip and Bradley didn’t resist the opportunity to kiss it. “I can shave you, if you’d like,” Jake offered. “Yeah ? That’d be nice. Now ?” he asked, confused when Jake pulled away. “No time like the present !” Jake exclaimed, already standing up and bouncing out of the bed.
Bradley was so happy to see him in a lighter spirit that he didn’t wait to follow him to the bathroom where he had already placed a stool for Bradley to sit on. “Where’s Nat ?” Bradley asked suddenly, realizing he totally forgot about her. “She left when I got here. We can call her later, have her over with Mav,” Jake offered. “Can we wait until tomorrow ? Stay just the two of us today ?” That got him a small but warm smile and a peck on the lips from Jake. “Of course, that sounds perfect.”
Bradley grabbed him by his shirt to get another kiss, and another one, until he felt satisfied for the time being. Jake then got everything ready and spread shaving cream on Bradley’s cheeks, chin and throat. He was so focused and so gentle, Bradley just had to get another kiss, putting some shaving cream on Jake’s mouth.
They went on like that, sharing kisses between actually shaving, until something resurfaced clearly in Bradley’s brain, making him freeze and his eyes grow in horror. “What day is today ?” he asked in a white voice. “Monday,” Jake answered carefully, taking the razor away from Bradley’s skin when he noticed his discord. “What date ?” Bradley pressed. Understanding flashed across Jake’s face, making Bradley even more agitated. “The thirtieth,” Jake confessed softly, throwing the razor in the sink to grab Bradley’s shoulders when his face fell.
“Hey, it’s fine, don’t do that,” Jake almost begged. “How can you say that ! It’s not fine ! We were supposed to get married last weekend ! We… And I forgot !” Bradley shouted, his hands flying around him and his eyes tearing up. “I know, but it’s not your fault, okay ? You can’t blame yourself for that. The important thing is that you’re fine, alright ? And you remember everything now, so we can pick a new date,” Jake rationalized.
But Bradley didn’t want that, he wanted the entire last month back. He wanted to have never forgotten anything and to be married to Jake now. “Let’s get married today. We can go to city hall, take Coyote and…” “Hey, hey, no. Slow down. There is no rush, and you will not get away with the big white wedding you promised me,” he chuckled. “You owe me a first dance in front of an audience, Bradshaw,” he reminded firmly without any heat, “and you’ll need both of your legs for that”.
“Oh my god, your mother. She must hate me,” Bradley realized out loud, eyes staring at nothing in horror. “Your sisters are going to kill me,” he added in a horrified breath. “Nah, come on, don’t do this,” Jake said, turning Bradley over so he’d face the bathtub where Jake could sit to face him at his level.
“Darling, please, look at me”, he asked and waited until Bradley did. “And now listen carefully, none of this is your fault, no one is blaming you, my sisters will not kill you or harm you in any way and my mother still thinks you’re an angel that fell on Earth to make me happy. We will get married, trust me, that’s still very much happening, but not in a rush because you think you have to make up for anything. You love me again, that’s the only thing that matters,” Jake finished gently, running his fingers through Bradley’s hair again.
Bradley closed his eyes, focusing on the goosebumps Jake’s fingers made appear all over his neck. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you,” he whispered like a secret. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, wanting to see you, but I couldn’t figure out why,” he said, opening his eyes. “It drove me nuts honestly. And then I just… I was hoping to find a way to get into your pants,” he confessed with a bright smile that was only tinily forced. It made Jake laugh though, bright and delighted, so some of Bradley’s dread melted away.
“You could never resist me,” Jake agreed, with that cocky smile of his. “Well, that’s not exactly true, I did hate your gut for a while when we met,” Bradley tempered, dead serious. “Hum, hum. I bet that was because of all the concealed sexual attraction,” Jake teased, leaning closer until his lips were brushing Bradley’s. The indignant puff of air weighed nothing in comparison to the excitement that was growing in his chest. Fuck he loved that man.
He could have kept the game going, a few weeks ago he would have for sure, but he didn’t have the patience now. He may have not remembered this relationship in his head, but all the rest of him missed Jake like a body misses a lost limb. It had been a constant pain that Bradley didn’t know the origin of but now, now he did remember, and he didn’t want to miss another second of it, too afraid it could be taken from him again.
“Well, don’t let it go to your head,” Bradley advised before kissing the smile off of Jake’s face, spreading the rest of the shaving cream between the two of them.