Chapter Text
As he stands on the train, looking out the window and yawning softly, he finds himself thinking of the night he first came to Iwatodai.
The train had been empty that night, and there had been so many delays he didn't even arrive until almost midnight, as the Dark Hour was descending. Oddly, he remembers little of that night. Stepping off the train onto the platform as the eerie darkness of the twenty-fifth hour struck, the only true annoyance had been the loss of his music. Beyond that, he couldn't have cared less.
He doesn't remember how many coffins he passed, or how many pools of blood he'd had to step over, nor does he remember why it took him almost the full hour to reach the dorms.
He remembers the girl with the gun, though. He remembers her very well.
Makoto can't help but smile to himself.
That was ten years ago today, actually. It’s funny how these things work out.
The sights outside the windows are no different, yet today they take on a special glow for him. As the sun sets over the city, and glimmering diamonds sparkle in the windows of every building, he can feel the wash of summer's warmth take hold of him.
Nothing's different about the landscape. But it still feels warmer.
Because Yukari will be home tonight.
Makoto can't really fight back a smile. She's been gone for too long – a lengthy shoot for the new Featherman season tying her down outside of Iwatodai, and his own work obligations kept him from visiting her. It's been over a month since they last saw one another, and the prospect of once more having her home gives him comfort he's wanted desperately during her absence.
He has a feeling she'll be even more thrilled to see him than he will be to see her. It's less that his affection is limited – far from it – and more that the definition of “boundless” hardly seems to be vast enough to apply to Yukari, especially after the events of 2010. Nine years isn't enough to wipe clean the slate of their darkest hour, the moment when she feared she might have lost him forever.
The moment when I thought I'd be gone forever. He had ascended into Nyx with every intention of giving his life for the cause, after all. It was blind luck more than careful planning that saved his life.
It doesn't matter. He survived. It's behind him. It's behind them.
To him it seems as though this train ride – one he's taken nearly every day for years – takes decades instead of only about fifteen minutes.
When it finally ends and he's permitted to begin his walk home, the distance continues to feel long and arduous. His excitement keeps getting the better of him, the intense desire to just be home already making every heartbeat feel like an hour.
A sardonic part of him can't help but find humor in it; who could have guessed that stone-faced, deadpan, buzzkill Makoto Yuki would feel like this?
Eventually, though, he does get home. He takes in a deep breath, then unlocks the door and steps into the apartment he's occupied since leaving high school.
The attack comes seemingly from nowhere. All at once, he's being smothered by a new form. Makoto laughs breathlessly, dropping his bag carelessly to the ground and wrapping his arms around her. “Missed you too,” he manages through her exceedingly tight grip.
“It's been way too long...” she whispers, though she doesn't seem willing to separate from him just yet. “ Argh... Why do these shoots have to last so long!?”
He taps her back. “I'm gonna need to breathe again at some point.”
She pulls away, completely flushed red and avoiding eye contact. “Oh, um, right, yeah... Sorry...”
Makoto smiles. In many ways she's still the same girl she was in high school: proud and confident, and yet also awkward, shy, and easily embarrassed. The patented Takeba Blush has never lost its cuteness for him, despite the fact that he's seen it practically every day for the past eight years.
Though she's still ashamed by her reaction, he steps forward, tilts her head up, and kisses her gently on the lips. There's a non-zero amount of hunger in both of them, but just now they're at least showing a reasonable amount of restraint.
She could only have been home for an hour or two by his guess. Her train left after noon, and it seems obvious that she hasn't quite settled back into being here again. From her scent he assumes she took a shower, but she probably hasn't accomplished much beyond that.
He pulls away and says, “Let me make you something to eat.”
There's an obvious dilemma in her eyes: she'd clearly rather keep doing what they were doing, but she's also never been able to turn down a meal prepared by him.
It's not like he can't relate to the quandary – a month is a long time after all. And while they have had the privilege of regular phone calls, their voices could never hope to accomplish with words what their bodies can without them.
A month is a long time.
Still, he has the self-control to step away from her and head into the kitchen to get things ready for dinner. He won't make anything particularly complicated. Partially because he's tired, partially because he doesn't want to be stuck alone in the kitchen while the woman he's been missing is standing just in the other room.
Of course, he's never entirely alone when he cooks. Yukari always seems to be hovering on the other side of the bar, watching his every move. He's never minded it. Her watchful eyes aren't judgemental, just affectionate. She's claimed multiple times in the past that he never looks quite as attractive as when he's cooking. He'd mockingly asked once if that meant he was ugly when he wasn't cooking, to which she responded – with complete sincerity – that most of the time he's a ten out of ten, but when he's cooking he's an eleven.
Whatever that means.
For the sake of time and simplicity, he just makes a basic curry. He can feel Yukari's radiating impatience behind him, so he elects not to put anything too complex together. Besides, he's feeling pretty impatient, too. He feels hunger, yes, but not just for food.
Even this might have been too much, judging by the way Yukari wolfs it down. Sure, she's probably hungry, but it's plainly not a need for sustenance that drives her haste. She keeps looking up at him like a wolf staring down prey. He's not sure if he should be frightened or excited. Maybe both.
To his complete lack of surprise, she's on him again the instant their spoons are discarded. Despite his own desires, he can't help but chuckle a little. He remembers how embarrassed she would be even when people saw them holding hands back when they went to Gekkoukan. Moving out of the dorms and settling down together has given her proper confidence. It's something to behold, really.
The ring on her finger helps, too.
“It's been too long,” she whispers.
“Too long,” he agrees.
“Makoto...”
He doesn't require her to say anything else. Without missing a beat, he smiles, stands, and sweeps her into his arms to carry her bridal-style. She yelps and blushes, but she touches his chest and swallows, and her heart beats faster, and her eyes are wide with surprise and anticipation as he carries her into their bedroom.
Things start feeling off about a month later.
She's home more often now, the break in shooting long enough that she won't be traveling again for a while. Being a star on a kid's TV show doesn't pay quite enough for her to take vacations in the meantime, but she enjoys modeling, and she's good at it, so she fills her time with gigs.
Makoto has his own obligations of course. Given that he’s been told over and over again that he was a good listener, therapy seemed a natural career choice for him. Besides, as someone who had pushed through ten years of crippling apathy, not to mention one who had faced down the near end of humanity, he's better suited than most to help those who are struggling.
He's only ever out for a typical workday, though, and so they spend a good chunk of their days together. He's in a more than ideal position to see the changes.
It starts slow. She takes a little longer to get out of bed. She seems a little more irritable, snapping at him and then immediately apologizing and acting ashamed. She complains about headaches sometimes.
He keeps an eye on it, thinking she's just coming down with a cold. But then she starts calling out of work more, and she withdraws from him a bit, like she's worried about something. He watches her even more closely at that point, trying not to put her off, but his worry grows all the more.
About six weeks after her return, she settles out again. In fact, she swings back to the opposite end of the spectrum and becomes more clingy with him. If he's home, they're cuddling. He's only separated from her when he's cooking or going to the bathroom, and she seems annoyed by his gall to do either of those things. It's better than withdrawing, but still concerning to him.
His worry reaches its peak in the first week of September, when she cancels a modeling gig for the third time in a row.
That night, she crashes hard. After dinner they lie together on the couch, with her resting her head against his chest and closing her eyes, a faint but genuine smile gracing her lips. Her hand rests on her stomach, and he worries that he's fed her something too strong and now her sickness has gained nausea as a symptom.
“You must be really tired,” he says softly. “Let's get you to bed.”
“ Mmm, no ...” she murmurs, the fingers of her free hand interlocking with his. “I'd rather stay here with you. You smell nice.”
She says that a lot, actually. Makoto chooses to ignore it this time. “You've been calling in sick a lot lately,” he continues. “You've been tired, and you've had all these headaches... Are you sure you're okay? I could take you to the doctor tomorrow.”
“I'm okay, Makoto,” she assures him. Her smile breaks for just a second, and when it returns it's clear that she's trying to fight it back. Her hand runs in a gentle circle around her belly. “I think... something changed for the better.”
It's only then that he realizes she's not clutching at her stomach in pain. She's holding it protectively.
Makoto's eyes go wide. “You mean...?”
Pink starts to trail up into her cheeks. “I, um, took the test a couple days ago.”
“You're actually...?”
She seems to shrink a little in his arms. “Are you not excited?”
He starts. “No, I'm-” He swallows. “I'm surprised, but I'm...”
Yukari smiles and squeezes his hand. “You've never really been very good with words you know,” she breathes. “But I know how you feel. I can always tell.” She nestles up against him, looking extraordinarily cozy. “You're gonna be a dad...”
“You're gonna be a mom.”
“...Jeez, that feels weird.”
“How do you think I feel?”
His mind is racing, but not with any real thoughts. It's more like a series of colors, a synaesthetic flashing that seems to come and go in a cyclical rotation. He feels like he's floating, like he's detached from his body and is now watching himself from above. He feels almost too stunned to be stunned.
After an indeterminate amount of time – maybe minutes, maybe hours – he comes back to himself. He looks down at his wife, comfortably sleeping against his chest, that smile still present, and finally a coherent thought is formed.
She'll be an incredible mother.
She doesn't get much sleep that night.
With Makoto spooning her, she's as comfortable as she can physically be. The somatic symptoms of pregnancy haven't brought her down much; so far it's just weird mood swings and some nausea. It's not too warm or too cold. There's nothing materially wrong right now.
It's the anxiety.
About a week ago she started having suspicions. Then, two days ago, she finally decided that it was time to take the test and find out for sure. In the end, she took it three times, just to be certain. Each one came back positive.
She does need to go to a doctor, and soon, just to confirm it completely – sometimes those at-home tests can be weird, after all. But she feels confident. She is pregnant.
It's something they'd talked about before. Now that the worst days are behind them, they've had the opportunity to explore their futures with more passion, and kids were obviously something that came to mind more than once. Yet they never actually planned anything, never really set any of it in stone.
She'd known she was ovulating on the day she came back to Iwatodai. Did she subconsciously want this to happen? Or was she just so excited to see him again that the knowledge was pushed out of her brain entirely, tossed in some deep mental cabinet she only checks every so often, an abandoned piece of information left to rot in dust and cobwebs?
Truthfully, she has no idea.
I'm going to be a mom.
The mood swings aren't helping her process that information. One moment she finds herself daydreaming of bedtime stories and preschools and birthday parties, and then the next she's dreading long nights, being puked on, and changing diapers, not to mention the overwhelming responsibility of raising a human being .
God, and she's heard enough stories to know giving birth is no picnic. The pregnancy is rough enough, but bearable. The process of giving birth, on the other hand, sounds like something out of a horror movie. If there really is a creator god, surely he could have come up with a better system for this. Why is conception the only enjoyable part of procreation? That seems so unfair.
And being a mom...
How am I supposed to be a good mom when I never had one? Sure, she and her mother made up a few years back, but it's not like any sort of bonding now could possibly make up for the ten years they spent apart. Yukari's most formative years had absolutely nothing to do with the woman who was supposed to raise her. How is she even supposed to have any clue what to do? All she knows is what not to do...
Mom fell hard after Dad died, and it's not like Yukari could even blame her. When she thought she was going to lose Makoto... If she were to lose Makoto after their child was born, just like what happened to her family...
She holds the hand of the arm tossed over her just a little tighter, and reassures herself by the instinctual squeeze she gets in return.
She forces herself to release a breath, then take in a few deep ones to steady herself. Just because I didn't have a good mom doesn't mean I can't be one, she assures herself. Makoto lost both his parents when he was only six, but I know for a fact he'll be a great dad, so...
The thought makes her smile, despite everything. If not for Makoto, she'd likely be freaking out entirely about the whole situation. His presence calms her, comforts her. And the thought of him being a dad soothes her greatly. Even if she's not sure of her own abilities, she's completely and entirely certain of his. He'll be an incredible dad, and she'll never doubt that for a second.
Yet again, she breathes in deep and lets it out slow. It'll be fine, she thinks. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. We're together, and that's what matters. Together, we can do anything. That's what we learned when we faced off with Nyx, after all. If we weren't together, Makoto would have...
She clutches his hand all the harder.
He was prepared for a lot. Prepared to deal with massive and unpredictable mood swings. Prepared to hold her hair as she threw up from morning sickness. Prepared to help her through cramps and aches and all sorts of other things.
He was not, however, prepared for the absolute abominations of food combinations she would dream up.
Pregnancy cravings are infamous, so he wasn't too surprised when she suddenly declared, “Ooh! You know what sounds really great? Pickles!”
“Okay...” he says. It's not like she'd really felt one way or the other about pickles, but fair enough, it's not such a strange thing to suddenly want.
“Oh!” she exclaims right after. “And ice cream!”
“...Okay,” he repeats. “I can run out and grab some.”
Yukari nods eagerly. “Yeah! Yeah! Oh, that sounds really good...”
So he goes to the store and buys ice cream and pickles at 21:00. It really isn't such a strange thing all in all, so he thinks nothing of it.
When he gets back home, though, she excitedly scoops some of the ice cream into a bowl, and then, to his horror, throws the pickles on top of it. As he watches with wide eyes, she tears into her... dessert? Part of him expects her to immediately regret this idea, but instead she looks like she's in bliss.
Makoto sighs, closes his eyes, and chooses to just ignore this.
After that, she develops some sort of strange fixation on pickles. It stops registering as odd to him at a certain point. When he comes home a few days later and hears her ordering a pizza with pickles and anchovies he just accepts that this is a thing now.
The first time she feels a kick is in August.
After a brief moment of wondering what just happened, realization strikes, and she rushes to Makoto in a flash, crying out with excitement about the news. An extended period of time is then spent with his hand on her belly, waiting for the next one. When it comes, Makoto’s reaction is about as over-the-top as is possible for him - a wider smile than usual.
Another woman might have been offended by his seeming lack of interest, but Yukari knows him better than anyone. With that smile, he might as well be jumping for joy.
Her own ecstatic bliss doesn’t last too long. It’s after that first kick that she starts to notice more and more changes, and they come seemingly so fast . When did her body change so much? When did this cardigan start feeling so tight? When did her bras start feeling uncomfortable? When did her favorite shoes start pinching her toes?
Still, she sighs, takes in deep breaths, and keeps her head down.
Around September is when it starts getting bad.
The feeling is under the surface, a sort of gnawing sensation in her skin, so it’s mostly easy to ignore. She shoves it down and doesn’t tell Makoto about it, figuring it’ll go away later on its own.
And it does, at least a little, when the 22nd comes and Akihiko’s birthday rolls around. Normally, they’d all travel to celebrate such an occasion, but out of compassion for Yukari everyone instead comes to their apartment.
She’s not entirely sure if she appreciates the gesture or not.
Still, the strange resentment she feels towards that decision is alleviated at least somewhat when all the former members of SEES arrive, and suddenly their home is bursting with stories and laughter, and a lot of congratulations and questions and hands on her belly feeling for baby kicks. It’s a little overwhelming, but it’s the first time in a while that she’s talked to anyone other than Makoto face-to-face rather than on a phone, so she tries to let herself enjoy it. And at least Chidori’s here to give her some real advice - she’s the only one in their little group to have actually given birth, after all.
The excitement isn’t all directed at her, of course. Fuuka tells them about her graduate work, talking about complicated things none of them - with the possible exception of Aigis - really understand. Mitsuru gives them vague updates regarding the Kirijo Group, not wanting to bore them with the machinations of the corporate world. Shinjiro tells them about his recent promotion to head chef at a rather prestigious restaurant, the name of which he still refuses to tell anyone. Akihiko swears on his life that he’ll find it sooner or later. The only one who knows anything about it is Koromaru, and he won’t even tell Aigis.
(How he keeps secrets is still a mystery to them.)
Ken gets the rapt attention of their whole crowd, though he plainly doesn’t want it. He moved to Tokyo for university, and lots of things seemed to happen to him in quick succession - perhaps the most baffling of which being that he apparently entered a rather… interesting relationship.
Akihiko spends a lot of the night asking question after question about Ken’s Phantom Thief girlfriend, which he tries to dodge as best he can. Yukari would love to step in and protect him from the onslaught, but… well, she’s curious too.
Minako, of course, corners Makoto pretty much instantly to poke fun at him and suggest about a hundred terrible baby names, each of which he shoots down, albeit with a small smile on his face. He’s well-used to his sister’s antics at this point. They all are by now, for that matter.
Their little corner only gets all the more chaotic when Junpei inserts himself into it, throwing an arm around Makoto (“Personal space.” “Come on, dude, still!? ”) and talking loudly about all the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Yukari watches them and listens to Mitsuru and Fuuka talking, but her mind seems unable to focus on either subject.
Eventually, the whole thing gets to be overstimulating, so Yukari retreats to the kitchen to be by herself for a little while. Her solitude doesn’t last long, though. Just a few moments later, Akihiko walks over.
“Hey,” she says. “Running from your own party?”
He gets a little awkward immediately. “It’s a lot,” he admits. “I don’t know. These things get exhausting when it’s all about you.”
“Trust me, I know.” She sighs, leaning her head back against the wall and closing her eyes. “I’ve been home a lot lately. Makoto can’t always be here, so I'm alone a good chunk of the day, too. This many people…”
“It’s fine. We get it.”
Yukari can’t help a slightly snarky smile. “You still came over here.”
“We’re more similar than you think. You’re convinced you need to be alone right now, but what you really need is one person to talk to.”
She laughs under her breath. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. How’re things going with you and Minako?”
Akihiko clears his throat. “Well, uh…”
“Something wrong?”
“…The baby fever hit her.”
“Ah,” Yukari says. That smile broadens. “Had to happen eventually.”
“Yeah. Shouldn’t have been surprised.”
“Pfft. You’ve been with her for nine years now, you’ve been living together for longer, if you count the dorms, and you’ve been married for years. And yet you still somehow don’t understand girls.”
He flushes red. “Yeah, well…”
“Do you want a baby?”
“…I don’t know. It’s not something I’ve thought about all that much.”
She shrugs. “For what it’s worth, I think you guys would be good parents. I mean, you’re both teachers.”
“She’s the one who works with kids. I teach high schoolers. It’s different.”
“Oh, come on. That still counts. They’ll grow up, you know. Besides, you guys compliment each other. She’s the fun, cool mom, and you’re the kinda strict but good-hearted dad.”
“Kinda strict?”
“Hey, someone’s gotta keep them in line, at least a little.”
“And who’s that gonna be with you and Makoto?”
Yukari snorts. “Are you kidding me? He’s a wild card. I’m gonna have my work cut out for me keeping the kid from turning into a lunatic.”
Akihiko chuckles lightly. “Guess it’ll be the same for me.”
“Oh, way worse for you. Minako’s twice the nutcase Makoto is.” She looks over towards her husband and her sister-in-law, still on the couch. Minako appears to be talking at a thousand words a minute, as per usual, while Makoto smiles and nods, as per usual. “Still though,” she adds softly. “I hope our baby turns out like Makoto. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”
“Yeah… If our baby turns out even half as great as Minako, they’ll be incredible.”
“Would you want a boy or a girl?”
“Huh? Does it matter?”
She gives a vague motion of uncertainty. “I mean, some guys really want to have a son.”
“I don’t mind either way.”
“Yeah. That’s how Makoto is too.”
He grins. “Either way, I’ll make sure they grow up strong.”
Sounds about right. Some things change, others don’t.
He takes a sip of his drink. “Didn’t expect you to dress so casually.”
“Huh?” Yukari stammers, caught off guard.
“You always wear some kind of unique dress at these get-togethers. Think last time it was that nice one, the low-cut one. You usually pull out all the stops for these parties.” He gives a vague shrug, plainly disinterested. “Just something I noticed.”
“Do you… usually pay attention to my wardrobe?”
“Ha! No, I just notice when things are different. You’re probably the same. We all had to learn that habit when we fought.”
“…Yeah. Guess we did.”
Akihiko finishes his drink and adjusts his glasses. He still hates them, but he tolerates them at this point. “Figure I’ll head back in there. You coming?”
“Um… Not just yet.”
“Alright. Just come back when you’re ready. No pressure.”
“Thanks. And, um… Happy birthday.”
Akihiko chuckles. “Thanks.”
Once he’s gone, she looks down at herself. The baby bump is more and more noticeable by the day now.
Earlier today, she had put on a nice dress. She’d looked at herself in the mirror for all of a minute before taking it back off and throwing it in the closet and putting on lounge clothes. The mirror was neglected after that point.
She holds a hand over her belly and wonders when she last felt like herself.
Just look,” Makoto says softly.
Minako shrugs. “Seems normal to me.”
He sighs. Realistically, this should have been the response he expected. Minako’s no slob, but she’s not going to look at a closet full of haphazardly thrown clothes and think much of it.
“Yukari’s always gentle with her clothes,” he explains. “She hangs everything up carefully. She’s even particular about the type of hangers she uses. Always the nice wooden ones, never the flimsy plastic ones.”
“Okay?”
“It’s… not like her to just throw things around like this.”
Minako shrugs once again. “Then talk to her about it.”
I want to, he thinks. But how does he broach a subject like that? She’s been sensitive lately, he can see it.
Honestly, he’s never felt so useless in his life. Not even in December of 2009, when just being alive felt arduous. Every day he talks to strangers and helps them understand their troubles and gives them advice on how to move forward, and yet he can’t figure out how to help his own wife.
Maybe he’s not cut out for this. Maybe he never was.
His sister can see it written on his face. She slaps a hand on his shoulder and says, “Hey, come on. Don’t worry about it so much.”
“Am I supposed to be casual about this?”
“I mean, no? But you know Yukari better than anyone. Just talk to her about it. The two of you have always been pretty good at communicating.” She coughs awkwardly. “Well, uh, after the initial stages, I guess. I am not being the middle man again.”
Makoto smiles. “Fun times, though.”
“Ugh, maybe for you…”
“Don’t pretend I didn’t have to do the same with you and Akihiko.”
“Hey! It wasn’t anywhere near as bad! Besides, you were mostly being an overprotective brat. Constantly trying to make sure he was good enough for me…”
“And you didn’t do the same with Yukari?”
“…Shut up.”
When everyone’s gone and their apartment is silent again, Yukari sits on the couch and tries not to sulk.
Makoto comes over after seeing everyone off and sits next to her. “It’s always nice to see them again.”
“Yeah,” she returns, and she does everything in her power to mask her uncertainty, knowing that once he takes the moment to look at her with a little more scrutiny he’ll notice. “It’s good.”
He leans in closer and kisses her on the cheek, his hand gently wrapping around the back of her head to draw her closer. She tries to lean in, but something in her heart lurches, and she finds herself pale and distraught and unable to move.
Makoto pulls away. “What’s wrong?”
“I, um… I’m just kinda tired. Seeing everyone and all that.”
His eyes narrow a little, and she realizes that there’s no weaseling out of it this time. “No,” he says. “Something else is going on. Talk to me.”
Yukari lets out a small, annoyed huff. “Damn you. Should’ve talked you out of becoming a therapist.”
“Hey, Yukari-“
“No, no, Makoto, you…” She tries to find the words, and then something not quite like anger, but adjacent to it, bursts out of her. She shoots off the couch and faces away from him, attempting to keep her eyes from darting over to try and catch a glimpse of his reaction. “You don’t have to pretend, Makoto.”
“What?” She can hear him stand up behind her.
She swallows, and ends sup choking back a sob. “You don’t have to pretend to still be attracted to me.”
“Yukari?”
“I just… ugh, don’t act like…”
Her clothes don’t seem to fit as well anymore. Not by much, sure, but enough to be uncomfortable. These days she’s wearing sweatpants and baggy shirts pretty much all the time. It’s not like she’s showing too much just yet, but it’s enough .
Her ankles are swollen to the point that none of her shoes fit her anymore, and she’s just wearing slippers all the time. Nothing seems to work, so she just wears the laziest clothes she can and tries not to feel like sludge.
It feels like lately when she looks in the mirror she’s not even seeing herself. The more the baby kicks and the more her baby bump shows the more she can’t tell who it is staring back at her. Is it Yukari Yuki? Is it the baby? Some combination of both? Neither? She can’t tell at all, and it causes her brain to short-circuit.
Fuuka gushed over how nice her hair looks when she came here tonight, and Mitsuru said she’s truly glowing, but those are her friends. They have every reason to lie to her to make her feel better. Immediately after the shallow discussion of looks passed over the topic had changed to the baby itself, and a thousand and one questions were tossed at her in extremely quick succession. Eventually she realized that no one actually cared about how she felt. All they wanted to hear about was the baby.
At first it annoyed her. Is she just an incubator for it now, and that’s all? But then the anger turned to sadness, and she just had to retreat from them. If Akihiko hadn’t joined her she might have just gone to the bathroom and cried for a bit.
That’s been happening lately too. Sometimes she just… needs to cry, and if she doesn’t it starts to feel like the tears will clog up in her throat and suffocate her. Putting it off for too long sometimes triggers the old nausea, and then she just feels awful for hours.
It makes her glad that Makoto hasn’t gotten his paternal leave yet. If he were around to see all of this he’d pinpoint it in a second, and she just doesn’t want to burden him with any of it. She doesn’t want his worry, doesn’t want his reassurances, doesn’t…
…doesn’t want him to look at her.
That’s the crux of it. In high school she was always the pretty girl. She’s always had good luck getting modeling gigs. And though it was her acting that won her the part in Featherman, there’s no denying that TV producers are in search of looks too.
Now she glances at herself and feels like she’s getting uglier by the day. And sure, she’s pregnant, but what if none of this leaves after she gives birth? What if she can’t lose the fat afterwards? What if the changes are permanent, and they’re only going to get worse? What’s she supposed to do then?
The thought of Makoto looking at her and being put off… just feels like way too much to handle. But how could he not be?
How could he possibly look at her now and like what he sees?
After what could have been seconds, years, or eternities, Makoto steps forward and around to stand before her. She starts to turn away, but he puts a hand on her shoulder and stops her. “When did this start?” he asks.
“Don’t,” she snaps, though her fury lacks fire. “Don’t do the therapist schtick. I don’t need that.”
“Maybe you do.”
“I just…”
“Talk to me. When did you start feeling like this?”
Yukari hesitates. She doesn’t want to talk about this, but also she does. She doesn’t want his worry, but also she does. The contradictions have been bleeding her dry like a thousand cuts, her scatterbrain preventing her from truly settling on any one emotion or rationalization. The truth is that she has no idea what she wants, not really.
She closes her eyes; doing this while meeting his soft, beautiful gaze would be much harder. “A couple weeks now. Ever… Ever since I started showing.”
His hand flinches slightly. It’s not much, but she feels it nonetheless. Or maybe she imagined it? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. “That long?” he whispers.
“…Yeah.”
“You should have…”
“What? Told you? I didn’t… I didn’t want to burden you with something like this. Something you can’t do anything about.”
“I’m your husband. I could at least-”
“Makoto don’t, don’t… I…”
Before she can finish that sentence, he kisses her softly. With her eyes closed, she had no opportunity to prepare for it, or maybe prevent it. And once his lips meet hers she could easily pull away; it’s not like he’s got her locked in place. Instead, though, she surrenders to it, her mind temporarily taking leave from its duties to allow her a brief respite from the swirling anxieties that have held her down like chains of late.
When the kiss ends, he looks at her with curiosity for a moment, his grey eyes peering gently over her. Despite how soft they are, she still feels like she’s being inspected, like he’s currently finding every single flaw on her, like he’s about to agree with her and say that she is ugly, that he is put off, and confirm all her worst fears in a breath.
But then he nods and says, “I’m going to run a bath.”
Yukari blinks. “Wha-? Huh?”
“Just wait here.”
She stands in the living room awkwardly as he leaves to go to the bathroom and start the water. Unsure what to do, she just waits, lingering in the discomfort and uncertainty. A part of her really wants to flee from the situation, but where exactly would she go?
A bath means being naked in front of him. And sure, he’s seen her in passing glimpses, but she’s gone out of her way to avoid prolonged observation. Even when her hormones drive her wild, she’s been avoiding sex, and she never changes in front of him anymore. She looks ugly enough with clothes on; there’s no possibility he would want to see her without them.
The moments of anxiety drag on at a turtle’s pace as little ants crawl under her skin. The nervousness seems to have spread to the baby; it’s moving more than before, and there’s an unsettled feeling in her belly. Or is that her imagination? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
When he returns, he says nothing. His hair is tied up in a ponytail, as it is sometimes, a few stray strands still hanging down to frame his face. Despite the dim light, his eyes still seem to sparkle just a little bit.
Without a word, he takes her hand and leads her gracefully towards the bathroom. Before entering the steaming hot enclosure, he pauses and runs a finger along her cheek as she stares with unquenchable confusion.
Then his hand lowers and slowly takes her shirt off. She can’t find it in herself to resist that. He’s already decided they’re taking a bath, so she doesn’t have any reason to put this off, much as she detests the idea of him seeing her all swollen and awkward. She raises her arms and allows him to do what he will. Still, she feels an intense desire to close her eyes and avoid seeing his reaction.
She resists the urge and forces herself to watch, fearing the worst.
Once her torso is exposed to him though, the only reaction from him is the formation of a sweet smile, natural and genuine. It’s the smile that only ever seems to appear when they’re alone together. One full of kindness, affection, and love, not to mention a certain hint of hunger and want, and desires he seems unable to show in ordinary circumstances.
She’s used to seeing it, even if it still stirs up the butterflies in her stomach. Just now, though, she might as well be seeing it for the first time. How could he possibly smile like that right now, with her looking like this?
His hands trace down along her skin, and she shivers with a mixture of insecure fear and breathless anticipation. He hasn’t touched her like this in so long, and she wants it so bad, but she can’t seem to extinguish the terror, the creeping disparagement of ugliness that her mind constantly seems to repeat in her mind like a feedback loop.
He lowers himself down and slides her sweatpants off, and she steps out of them more by instinct than intent. He runs his hands up along her legs, tracing up along them as he stands, his fingers following up her body until he reaches her baby bump. His hand lingers there, touching her so gently and lovingly that for a moment even her scrambled mind believes it.
“Come on,” he whispers, and he takes her hand once again.
The tub is full of water at the perfect temperature. She’s not sure how he manages this, but no matter if they’re showering or bathing he always manages to find the perfect sweet spot for her. He helps her into it, and she immediately feels warmth spreading up through her feet and putting every inch of skin to rest. The ants die away under her skin.
The fragrance hits her. Lavender, always immediately noticeable. It’s impossible to separate Makoto from lavender. Back in the SEES days, she’d told him she thinks of it when she thinks of him, and ever since then he’s worn cologne dominated by the scent. She never really said anything about it, but there’s always been flaring joy in her heart since he took her offhanded comment so seriously.
There’s an undertone of sandalwood, but after lavender the most prominent scents are sweet. Lychee and… raspberries. Despite it all, she smiles. Lovely, comforting smells that remind her of the best days and erase the worst ones. The redolence wafts up into her and warms her whole body, almost more so than the water.
As she lowers herself down with his assistance, she realizes that there’s an object floating in the water - the rubber duck she bought almost as a joke while they were on their honeymoon. There was a novelty shop for them, and she’d found one designed to look emo, which shared his hairstyle almost exactly, albeit in black. She’d bought it, fighting to stifle her giggles, and named it Yuki-chan. It’s become a mainstay. A weird part of her finds comfort in seeing it still floating along near her.
Another unspoken thing that he’s done for years without calling the tiniest bit of attention to it.
She submerges fully in the water finally, and a weight seems to come off of her. The warmth slips about her skin like a soft blanket, nearly as comfortable as Makoto’s touch. She lets out a soft moan as the pain in her feet mellows into a light ache and the growing heaviness of her belly turns weightless.
Still clothed, Makoto sits on the rim behind her, his feet off to the side and resting on the floor. “Slide forward a bit,” he says softly.
“What, are you going to get in too?”
“No. Just let your head go under a bit for a second.”
She blinks. “Uh… Are you gonna drown me?”
He chuckles lightly. “Just trust me.”
Well, she always trusts him, so she commits to that and does as he asks. She lets herself slide forward a bit to allow her thickened hair to be wetted. Admittedly, it feels lovely. The water washes over her face and seeps into her tangled locks and soothes her out.
She emerges and sighs softly as the water drains down over her body. “That’s nice,” she whispers.
And then suddenly his hands run through her hair, and she realizes with a start that the reason he wanted her to wet it was so that he could wash it. The smooth sensation of shampoo being laced through her hair by his tender touch.
The instant his fingers touch her scalp she releases another moan, leaning back into his touch. “Makoto…” she whispers. “That’s so nice…”
He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t need to say anything. She can tell she’s getting his pants wet by leaning back on him like this, but he doesn’t seem to mind, so she chooses not to as well. For once in weeks, she finds herself completely in the present moment, her mind not wandering for even a heartbeat.
I am here. I am with Makoto. I am with the love of my life, the father of my child. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.
She closes her eyes and swims in the sensations, the scents and the touch seeping into her heart to bloom the faded flowers within.
After a moment, he starts to hum, and she bites her lip. His lovely timbre adds another voice in the choir of senses, completing the harmony and giving rise to the building crescendo within her.
In a tiny, lucid part of her mind, she reflects that Makoto’s love for music might just have rubbed off on her over the years.
She feels a sudden stirring in her belly, and her eyes slip open. There’s a light kick from within, and she swallows deeply waiting for another, going completely still. Makoto doesn’t notice, he just keeps humming. She raises her hand and gently touches her baby bump, and she feels a little light kick again.
Makoto stops humming. “Something wrong?” he asks her.
“The baby,” she breathes. “It kicked…”
“It did?” he asks, with about as much excitement as her husband is capable of displaying.
“Yeah. I think…” She smiles and lets out a small laugh. “I think it likes your singing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it…” She says nothing for a second, then shakes her head. “Yeah, it stopped. But… Ha…”
A short series of laughs break free from her. “What?” Makoto asks.
“If it likes your voice, our baby’s gonna have great taste.”
When she says that, something suddenly lurches in her. It’s odd how you can hear something or think of something over and over again, and yet out of nowhere it will take on new meaning. She’s not entirely sure why those words meant so much to her right then, but speaking them caused all those blooming flowers to blossom.
She reaches up to her head and takes one of his hands out of her hair, clutching it tightly. “Makoto,” she breathes.
“Yeah?”
“We’re gonna have a baby.”
He squeezes her hand. “Yeah. We are.”
“A baby …”
“A baby,” he agrees. He leans over awkwardly and kisses her on the forehead at a strange angle, but she relishes the velvet gracing of his lips against her skin with a shiver and a blush, the latter caused only just barely by the heat.
“I love you, Yukari,” he whispers.
“I love you too,” she says back.
He starts to wash her hair again, but she feels less of it now. She leans up against him, but with a laggardly slouch.
Of course, he notices. “Is something wrong?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it?”
“You’re not in the tub with me.”
Makoto just chuckles. Then he takes his hands out of her hair, stands, and takes off his shirt. “I’d hate to leave you lonely.”
“Good,” she murmurs.
She’s not lonely for long.
He’s starting to wonder if there’s enough strawberries in the world to satisfy her.
Sure, Yukari has always liked them, but as her pregnancy proceeds it seems to have progressed from a mild pleasure to a full-on addiction. She says they make the baby happy. Makoto doesn’t really know what that means, but he chooses to trust her on it.
He’s just leaving the store one chilly day in early October when his phone goes off, and he has to shuffle the bags upon bags of his wife’s obsession just to answer it. When he sees it’s his sister, he raises an eyebrow. They text a lot, but they only call after checking, or…
…or if it’s an emergency.
He answers it immediately. “Minako? What’s going on?”
“Hey, Makoto,” she says, sounding a little weird. “How’s it going?”
The forced casual pleasantries immediately tips him off. “Is something wrong?”
“Oh, well, uh…”
“Mina?”
She coughs awkwardly. “I’ve kinda got some news. Figured I’d tell it to you first. Well, after Aki, but still.”
“What?”
“…I’m pregnant.”
Makoto nearly drops his bags. “What? ”
He can practically hear her rubbing her neck awkwardly as she chuckles. “Uh, yeah, so… After you told me Yukari was pregnant I kinda started thinking about it a lot? And then there was Aki’s birthday, and we went home and… Uh… Things happened.”
“…You can skip over that part.”
“Yeah, yeah. Well, the gist is I took the test yesterday and another one today. Definitely pregnant.”
“That’s-”
“I know, pretty weird, huh?”
“…I was going to say fantastic. Are you not happy?”
“Huh? Of course I’m happy.” There’s a moment of silence. If Makoto’s learned anything from being a therapist it’s that sometimes you have to stay quiet and give someone a bit of time to marinate in their thoughts. “Well, uh… Okay, fine, I’m freaking out. Feels weird to see that positive test, like it’s not real…”
“Did you not want this?”
“Of course I did! It just… feels crazy now.”
“Take it easy. It’s big news. You won’t know how you really feel for a bit.”
He doesn’t have to be looking at her to know she’s rolling her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Look, you’re probably busy, but I wanted to make sure you were one of the first to know.”
“Are you telling the others?”
“In a bit. Probably Junpei and Chidori pretty soon. They’ve both been through this, after all. I’ll let the others know after that. Oh, but you can tell Yukari if you want. Figure you probably won’t be able to keep it from her anyway.”
“Yeah. She’ll see it on my face.”
“Pfft. I dunno why the two of you bother talking, you communicate enough through body language. Alright, I’ll let you go. Give Yukari my best, okay?”
As he walks home, his mind is once again in a swirl. Is every important woman in his life going to have a baby now? He has no idea who the fathers would be, but at this point he wouldn’t even be surprised if both Mitsuru and Fuuka fell pregnant next, or maybe Ken’s mysterious criminal girlfriend.
Minako… a mom… It’s easy and hard to picture in equal parts. His sister is wild, rash, a prankster, and sometimes mildly dangerous. Despite all of that, she’s also kind, loving, and nurturing, in many ways the absolute perfect picture of a mother.
He wonders if she sees herself that way. When he saw her at Akihiko’s party he’d read it on her face: the news of Yukari’s pregnancy had awakened something in his sister. She wants a baby, but now that she’s on the way to having one, he can’t help but wonder how she feels about it. Or, well, how she will feel once the news sinks in.
For that matter, how will Akihiko handle it? His senior is a cool and collected man, though not without sentimentality, tough to the bone and able to rise to any challenge. If the task set before him is fatherhood, he’ll do anything and everything to secure a victory.
And what about me? Makoto’s no quitter, far from it. You don’t stand up against the inevitability of death if you’re a coward. But he’s not expressive, not outwardly caring in the same way others seem to be. Yukari always says he’s bad with his words, but how’s he supposed to communicate with his child then?
They haven’t found out the sex yet. They had the opportunity, but something stopped them. They both rationalized it as wanting to be surprised, but he doubts that’s true. The reality is that knowing the sex will make this all the more real. They’ll be one step closer to holding their child, and then the actual hard part begins.
I’ve struggled to even help Yukari through this. How can I possibly raise a child?
He stops briefly, turns on his music, and tries to drown out those thoughts as best as he can.
When he gets home, Yukari almost immediately bolts over to grab one of the containers from him and starts tearing into the strawberries like an animal, not even stopping as she walks back and plops back down on the couch. He blinks, then puts the rest of them in the fridge, though they likely won’t stay there for long.
He sits on the chair across from her place on the couch and watches her for a moment, but his mind is still swirling with thoughts.
“Hey,” she says after a moment. “What’s wrong?”
“You’ve got juice all over your face.”
“Shut up!”
He chuckles softly and grabs her a napkin. She wipes the mess off and then nods to him again. “Come on. Something’s wrong. You look… kinda down.”
Makoto shrugs. “It’s not… bad news.”
“Well, come on! Tell me already!”
“Minako’s pregnant.”
Yukari chokes on her own saliva and drops the strawberries. Luck is with them, and they all stay in the container rather than spilling out over the carpet. “She’s what!? ”
“After Akihiko’s birthday…”
“Oh.”
“What?”
“Well, um… Akihiko did tell me she was starting to talk about babies…”
Makoto looks over towards the window. “I didn’t think they really talked about it seriously yet. I guess it was just a coincidence.” A small smile comes to his face. “It’s funny, isn't it? Sometimes these things just happen.”
“Yeah… Yeah, I guess they do. Not like we were trying either…” She leans back a little on the couch, plainly struggling to get comfortable. “Things are changing, huh…”
“They are,” Makoto agrees, as a small smile forms on his face, “but for the better.”
As October goes on and her due date draws nearer and nearer, Makoto finds himself worrying more and more.
The more he thinks of the future, the more he becomes concerned that he is not cut out for this. He’s inexpressive, distant, and often clueless. Facing down the complete destruction of humanity seemed like a simple task compared to this.
He starts reading quite a lot about it. He keeps a stack of books in his office, away from Yukari’s sight. This isn’t something she should have to deal with right now. Given the physical and mental toll pregnancy has taken on her, the last thing in the world he wants to do is make the situation about him .
But being a therapist has taught him the hard way that what makes sense in a book rarely translates to reality. He can read all of these things and convince himself that the information has sunk in, but then he closes the book and all of the confidence it gave him flees a frightened animal.
Still, he has to do something. If he just idles in his uncertainty it’ll bleed over to Yukari, and she has enough tension as it is.
Lately he’s been dedicating every spare moment to taking care of her. He cooks the best meals he can, gives her massages, satiates her when the hormones get the best of her.
It doesn’t feel like enough.
He can’t take paternal leave until the baby’s born, but he could possibly take a leave of absence for a week or so just to make sure she’s doing alright. Then again, being around for a week and then going back to work might just make things worse. It’s not easy to find the best course of action.
She assures him over and over again that she’s doing okay, but he can always tell that she’s doing better than okay when he’s around. It hurts to be gone so often.
It hasn’t affected his work, thankfully. His clients do still need help, and he’s better at providing them it. They need someone to talk to, someone to hear them out. Often they just need someone to tell them they’re doing okay, that things will work out if they push forward. Other times they need more detailed advice, but he feels confident in that too. Being able to help them hurts him in an odd way, though - if he can help them, why can’t he help Yukari?
And once the baby’s born…
He’ll get over 200 days of parental leave. Four weeks during the first eight weeks after childbirth, then another 180 days any time before the baby’s first birthday. He hasn’t quite decided whether to take them consecutively or not just yet. That’s something he’ll have to determine based on how things feel. The waiting weighs on him though, in a way nothing else has.
He has to laugh at himself sometimes. He spent two months waiting to fight against Nyx, but he can’t even wait a few months to see how childbirth goes?
It’s the helplessness, he suspects. He could at least attempt to fight Nyx. What can he do here?
And… if something were to go wrong during childbirth…
Makoto sighs and puts the books away and closes his eyes.
When he gets home, he finds Yukari taking a nap on the couch. He closes the door softly and keeps quiet as best as he can as he puts his bag down and takes off his jacket.
As he enters the living room though, she suddenly opens her eyes. “Hey,” she murmurs sleepily, not even looking up.
“How did you hear me? I thought I was being quiet.”
“Mmm… Think my hearing’s been getting better lately.”
Apparently this is something that happens. Vision gets worse during pregnancy - something Yukari has been complaining about a lot lately - but other senses sometimes get heightened. He’s glad it was her hearing and not her sense of smell. That one wouldn’t be fun, he suspects.
She sits up with an effort and rubs the sleep from her eyes. “How was work?”
“Same as always. How are you?”
“Mm… Same as usual.”
He sits down and wraps an arm around her. She nestles her head against his shoulder and makes a little pleasant noise. “I missed you,” she whispers.
“I wish I could stay here all the time.”
“It’s okay. I’m fine here. It’s just better when you’re around.”
He kisses her softly on the head. “I want you to be better than just ‘okay.’”
“Hey, really, it’s fine. I don’t want you to worry too much.” She adjusts her head along his shirt a little, like a cat rubbing up against its owner. “I love you so much, Makoto.”
That’s another thing she’s been doing lately. Out of nowhere she’ll just get close to him and profess, almost instinctually, her love for him. Oddly, it makes his heart lurch, like he’s hearing it for the first time again, all those years ago in her room in the Iwatodai dorms.
“I love you too,” he whispers into her hair, and he swears she jumps just a little too. So strange, he thinks. We’ve been dating for almost a decade. We’re married. You would expect some of that fire to fade just a little. But it seems like it’s only grown stronger. I feel like I’ve never loved her quite as much as I do in this moment, and yet not as much as I will in the next.
It just makes him wish he could do more.
Minako meets him at his office.
They haven’t seen each other since Akihiko’s birthday. She doesn’t look all that much different, unsurprisingly. She definitely isn’t showing yet.
Still, he can see a little bit of a glow in her eyes. It’s something new.
“How are you feeling?” he asks her once they get the pleasantries done.
She hesitates slightly. “Been pretty much fine, actually. Haven’t really been hit by morning sickness much. Kinda feels weird to not feel bad, you know? Makes me wonder if something’s going wrong.”
“Not all women have the same intensity of symptoms.”
“Uh…?”
“…I’ve been reading up on it.”
Minako rolls her eyes. “You only panic when it’s Yukari.”
“She’s my wife.”
“I’m your sister!”
Makoto shrugs. “You’ll be fine.”
“Jeez, thanks for thinking of me.” Immediately, her teasing tone disappears and she smiles. “So. Yukari’s birthday, right?”
“Yeah. I thought about having everyone over, but I figured that might just overwhelm her. I don’t want that.”
“Probably a good call. Doing anything special?”
“Just making a good meal. She’s been borderline addicted to strawberries lately, so I was going to make daifuku.”
“Ooh, nice. I brought some nama yatsuhashi too. We always used to bake that together.”
He remembers that well. “She’ll love it.”
“Hope so.”
“Where’s Aki?”
“Waiting outside. I told him he could just come with me, but he wanted us to have a moment to ourselves.” She sighs. “I kinda do appreciate it. We don’t see each other as much as we used to… And now I’m about to be an aunt and a mom…”
Makoto smiles. “Our kids will be best friends.”
“Pfft, that’s never how it actually works out.” Slowly, her restraint wavers and her lips curl up a bit. “It’ll happen for our kids, though.”
“Yeah. They’ll be the exception.”
“Alright, well… Let’s head to your place. Yukari’s alone there right now, right?”
“Yeah. I don’t like leaving her on her own too long.”
“She understands you have a job, you know.”
“And she also understands that I want to be with her. Two things can be true.”
They meet up with Akihiko outside, who stands dressed in his typical winter attire, a scarf matching Minako’s wrapped around his neck. “Hey, Makoto,” he says.
He steps forward and they share a brief hug. “How are you?” Makoto asks.
“Ha! Found out I’m gonna be a dad. Couldn’t be better.”
Makoto says nothing. But he can see those cracks in the shell, those little shreds of uncertainty that peel off Akihiko’s face to reveal the ball of doubts within. He can’t help but feel a small pang inside him - is fatherhood a terrifying enough prospect to cow even a man as unshakeable as Akihiko?
For the moment, he chooses to leave it be. Best not to drag those doubts into the light here and now, in public, and right in front of his wife.
“Just take it easy tonight, please,” he tells the two of them as they walk back to his apartment. “I just… want her to be able to relax, alright?”
Akihiko nods. “Sounds good.”
When they arrive, he goes in first to make sure she’s in decent shape. He did tell her at least that they were going to have a nice dinner today. Whenever he tells her that, even if she doesn’t think it’ll be an event, she always makes herself a bit more presentable.
It’s true today as well. When he comes in, she stands from the couch and smiles at him. “Hey, you’re back!”
She’s not wearing anything massively special, of course not, just her usual baggy shirt and sweatpants. But it’s enough that she won’t be too embarrassed to have company, especially since it’s her sister-in-law.
Frankly, Makoto, Minako, and Akihiko wouldn’t have cared much either way. They wouldn’t judge her for her clothes. But Yukari would be upset with herself, and that’s not acceptable. Today is about giving her a boost.
He kisses her gently on the lips, his hand almost instinctively touching her belly gently. She presses her hand up against his.
“I have a surprise,” he tells her.
“Oh?”
He nods, smiling. “Come in,” he calls over his shoulder.
The door opens, and Akihiko and Minako come in. “Hey!” Minako cries out, rushing over to hug the very-shocked Yukari.
“Huh?” Yukari stammers, eyes wide. “You guys…?”
He can tell immediately that this isn’t bad confusion. She’s stunned, but not in a “why would you do this?” kind of way. That solidifies his smile.
“I knew we couldn’t get everyone together,” he tells her gently, “but I figured we could at least have a little company over.” He kisses her on the forehead. “Happy birthday.”
Yukari’s eyes go wide. “I… didn’t think…”
“What, you thought we’d miss your birthday?” Minako says, grinning from ear to ear. “No chance!”
“Happy birthday, Yukari,” Akihiko says. “Hope you’re in good health.”
She blinks, though her eyes are still wide when she opens them again. “I’m doing great! Oh my god, it’s so great to see you guys! I wish I’d been able to clean this place up a bit…”
Minako rolls her eyes. “It’s practically spotless, are you kidding me?”
She’s been going stir crazy. That’s the reality of it. This space feels like a prison to Yukari at this point. It could be the most beautifully cleaned, most pristine and comfortable place on the planet, and she’d still hate it.
But that’s what her gift is for.
“Everyone go ahead and sit down,” he tells them. “I’ll start dinner.”
“The two of you, sit down,” Minako corrects. “I will be helping with dinner.”
As they prepare for their work, his sister nudges him on the side. “Been a while since we cooked anything together.”
She says this literally every time they’re in a kitchen. He rolls his eyes. “We made the food for Akihiko’s birthday.”
“Yeah, a month ago! Time flies!” She offers him a wide grin. “I found a recipe for hiyashi chuka. Not too complicated, should go down just fine for Yukari.”
“‘Not too complicated.’ Are you saying we’re not good chefs?”
“I’m saying our customers are going to get impatient if we take too long.”
Makoto smirks. “They’ll wait for perfection.”
Minako starts preparing things. Side by side, they work in silence for a long while. Then, suddenly, she says, “Hey, uh… How’re you doing?”
“What?”
“I mean… You’ve been reading all the books and everything… I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just… You sure you’re okay?”
Makoto frowns. “Of course I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
She’s silent for a while. He can feel the words behind her teeth, can sense their presence leaking out into the air, and yet he has no guess as to what they might be.
Finally, she sighs and says, “Alright. If you say so.”
He honestly starts to creep her out after a bit.
Akihiko has always been awkward, and more than a little dense at times (as Minako so often complained when they were in high school), but she doesn’t think he’s ever just stared at her like this.
“Um…” she stammers. “Is something wrong?”
“I…” he starts, before coughing, plainly to hide his nerves. “I wanted to ask… Since Mina’s pregnant now… If you… had any advice?”
“What sort of advice?”
“Well… How to care for her. What’s Makoto been doing for you?”
That’s a bigger question than he knows. What doesn’t Makoto do for me? That would be easier to answer. He’s working full time, cooking for her, cleaning the house, giving her massages and helping her in the bath and reading to her and doing just about everything he can to prevent her from losing her mind in this place.
But she doesn’t want to tell him that. For whatever reason, whatever stupid, selfish reason, she doesn’t want to admit how reliant she's been on him lately.
Still, Akihiko deserves an answer. So she shrugs and says, “Pay attention to her feet.”
He starts. “What?”
“My feet are so swollen. They hurt all the time. I have to lay in a certain way and keep my legs elevated to help it a bit, but what really helps is foot massages. Makoto gives me one every night, and they’re so nice. ”
He nods with the seriousness of an academic. “I understand.”
Yukari smiles despite herself. “You’re gonna be fine, you know?”
“W-what?”
“You’re freaking out! It’s so obvious! But you’re gonna be fine, both of you. You’re gonna be great parents.”
“Yeah… Thanks, Yukari.”
Now me, on the other hand...
Not so long ago, she talked to her mom. They’ve chatted a few times since the news broke, the calls growing exponentially over time. With each subsequent discussion her mom feels more and more inclined to offer advice, most of which is either obvious or pointless, the rest of which she’s easily found through books or online articles.
And she knows she’s just trying to help, but it wears on her nonetheless. The bitter beast in her that never quite got over her formative years rears its ugly head now and again, anxious to tear her mother’s head off. She feels guilty for those thoughts, and then she feels angry for feeling guilty, and then sad for feeling angry, and then her whole mind seems to reset and she feels nothing at all for a little while beyond the usual physical discomforts.
Keeping up with her own emotions is a battle she fully expects to lose, if she’s being entirely honest.
If it weren't for Makoto, she’s not sure she would have made it this far.
She absolutely can’t tell any of that to Akihiko, though. She can’t think of anything else to say, though, and he’s not saying anything either, and…
“Dinner time!”
Yukari releases a breath. Saved by the bell.
So, you guys too, huh?”
He and Akihiko stand on the balcony and look out over the city. It’s not a tall building, but they’re on the third floor. The crisp autumn air is blowing gently through his hair, like little fingers running through water, forming echoing ripples.
His brother-in-law coughs. “Yeah. Just kinda happened.”
“You weren’t talking about it?”
“A little. But we didn’t plan it.”
Makoto nods. “Sounds about right.”
Akihiko sighs and closes his eyes tightly. “Can I admit something to you?”
“Go ahead.”
“I’ve been panicking. Worrying about everything. Feels like it all became real so fast. My mind hasn’t had time to catch up with all this.”
“Take a breath. You’re fine.”
He does as he’s bid: a deep breath in through the nose, a long release through the mouth. It’s not cold enough for the life from his lungs to appear in a tangible form, but Makoto can sense it nonetheless.
“Haven’t been sleeping well,” Akihiko continues. “I keep looking over at her and wondering…”
“Wondering what?”
“How I’m gonna do this.”
Makoto shrugs. “You’ll do it like you always do. With grit and determination.”
“Feels like this is tougher than any battle, and it hasn’t even really begun yet.”
To his shame, Makoto can’t help but feel a bit disappointed. He’d thought his senior would be facing this challenge with all the blistering intensity he had in combat all those years ago. Yet standing here now is not a warrior who stood up against death itself, only a man faced with a task too daunting to truly comprehend.
It’s odd. We both faced death directly, and yet neither of us can truly seem to wrap our heads around life.
Makoto gives him a nod. “I’ve been reading up on these things. I can lend you some books if you’d like. I’ve gone through them already anyway.”
“You’d do that?”
“Why not?”
Akihiko takes in another deep breath. “Thanks, Makoto. Really. I haven’t… known what to do.”
“Take your time. Minako has always had patience for you.”
“Ha… Yeah, she always has.”
I know better than anyone. I still remember when she first developed that crush…Lots of nights listening to her talk about stupid things Akihiko said like they were the cutest things ever. When he questioned her on it, she revealed that Yukari was saying pretty much the same things about him. That shut him up pretty fast.
“Still…” Akihiko murmurs. “I don’t want her to wait for me. I want to be there for her, through all of it. I need to be able to support her.”
Makoto nods. “That’s the most important thing, yeah.”
“I’ll read the books. Need to get ahead of the curve.”
“You could always talk to Junpei. He’s been through all this already.”
Akihiko scoffs. “Don’t you remember how panicked he was? Nah, I wanted to talk to someone who has his head on his shoulders. That’s you. It’s always been you. You and Mina… I don’t know how you guys do it, but you’re just unshakable .”
Makoto looks at the sunset and frowns.
So,” Minako chirps. “How’re you doing?”
Yukari rubs her belly slowly. The meal satisfied both her and the baby, but now she’s feeling the usual soreness. As much as she’s loved seeing Akihiko and Minako again, she’s hitting a point of wanting to just be alone with Makoto again.
Ugh, what’s wrong with my brain? I’ve hated being alone here. Now there’s people around - people I love - and I want them gone. Feels like I never really know what I want.
The blending is hitting her all the harder lately. It sometimes seems like the distinction between Yukari Takeba and the baby isn’t one drawn solidly, but rather a hastily scraped line in the sand that blows away with the slightest breeze. When she wants something, is it really her that wants it? She truly cannot know.
When she blinks and comes back to herself, she realizes that Minako is still waiting on an answer.
I can’t tell her any of that. She’s expecting now. I can’t pile all that stress on her.
Yukari smiles. “I’m doing fine. Just a bit tired. I haven’t seen anyone but Makoto in a while, to be honest.”
“You’re not working?”
“Not a whole lot of modeling jobs for pregnant women. And there’s no way I could shoot Featherman like this.”
“Yeah, makes sense. You doing okay all alone like that?”
Yukari forces a little laugh. “I’ve got Makoto. He’s always been plenty for me.”
Minako hesitates slightly before coughing awkwardly into her hand. “Yeah, uh… I kinda wanted to talk to you about him. How’s he doing?”
“Huh? Makoto? He’s fine. He’s been working, taking care of things here. He’s been fantastic through this whole thing.”
“But… mentally. Emotionally.”
“I… What’re you saying?”
“I don’t think he’s handling all of this as well as he says,” Minako declares bluntly. “I think he’s stressed to hell, and I think he’s terrified of being a father.”
Yukari feels like she’s been slapped. “What? That’s crazy! He’ll be a great father!”
“Look, even if he believes that - and god knows he probably doubts it - you’ve gotta remember the past.”
She shrinks a little. If there’s one thing she’d rather not think about, it’s the past. In between the sparkling, shimmering moments of bliss and love she’d shared with Makoto lie the gruesome days, the horrors and the uncertainty, the inevitability and the terror.
And the feeling of hollowness in her gut and the sweeping sensation of every single drop of blood in her body going ice cold at once as she watched the love of her life stand up and ascend up into the moon to confront death itself face to face returns like she’s still there right now. The silent scream and the looming terror and the pleading, the internal and external pleading alike, the crying out to any power that might hear her to please just let him live.
And he did. He did.
But she’ll never - never - forget that terror.
“Yeah,” Minako whispers. She doesn’t need to ask what Yukari is thinking about - it’s obvious enough already. “It affects you that much. How do you think it makes him feel?”
“That…”
“You guys like to believe we’re just solid all the time. The Yuki twins, nothing can break them. Right? But the truth is Makoto was terrified of not coming back. He just loved you and me and everyone else enough to risk it. And now that he’s got this life… Can you really blame him for being scared of losing it?”
Yukari says nothing, but looks down at her belly.
“Yeah,” Minako breathes. “This whole thing… Come on, it’s scary for everyone. And for him… Even if he doesn’t realize it, he’s gotta be feeling even more afraid.”
I… never even thought about it. He’s been so determined to do anything and everything for her that she’s gotten caught up in it just a bit, lost in the hazy pleasure of having her husband be so attentive. Not that he wasn’t before, of course - Makoto Yuki has always been the most caring person she’s even known. But these past couple months have been even better than that, and she’d just allowed herself to sink into the bliss.
“I never even realized,” she whispers.
Minako shrugs. “I mean, that’s not really so surprising. Your side of this is the harder one, that’s pretty obvious. But Makoto’s worried about you, he’s worried about becoming a father, and he’s worried about losing all of this in a flash, like he almost did before.”
Yukari swallows. “I still have nightmares about it, you know. Watching him ascend like that.”
“Yeah. So do I.”
“…Do you think he has those nightmares too?”
“He never said anything about it?”
She shakes her head. “We don’t really talk about our dreams. I tell him the silly ones, when I get them. And, um, sometimes I’ll have dreams that, uh…” She coughs. “Never mind. Anyway, I don’t talk about the bad ones. If he has bad ones, he’s never talked about them.”
Minako groans and rubs her temples. “God, he’s such a bastard. Still keeping all this inside, never talking to anyone about it…”
"You're one to talk.”
There’s a flinch, so slight most people might have missed it. But Yukari’s known Minako for a decade, has considered her her best friend for just about the same duration.
“Yeah,” Minako admits. “I try. Honestly, I do. But I’m not good at worrying about myself. That’s just the truth.”
“You’ve got Akihiko to worry about you.”
A tiny smile appears. “Yeah, and gods know he does that a lot. Same old Aki.”
Yukari smiles with her, but it wilts quickly. “I used to watch out for Makoto all the time,” she muses. “He’s the same as you. Never thinking about himself. So I thought about him. But ever since I got pregnant…”
“He’s kinda fallen to the back burner, right?”
“I… I guess.”
“Hey, nothing to be ashamed of. Of course you’ve gotta take priority right now. It’s just… worth remembering that the two of you are in this together, y’know?”
Together… Looking back on the past couple months, they haven’t really been a team. Not like they used to be. Makoto’s every action has been dedicated to helping her out.
It’s not easy to understand the right course of action, or even the right emotions, sometimes. She’s the one carrying this baby, not him. But it’s not like he’s not involved in the whole thing. Hell, she’s only gotten this far because of him.
Minako smirks. “I just opened a whole can of worms in your brain, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. Ugh, I hate you.”
“Love you too. Look, just be together, alright? Not asking you to start neglecting yourself or whatever, just… I dunno, show him you care about him.”
She’s only just starting to consider that when the doors open and Makoto and Akihiko step inside from the balcony. “H-hey,” Yukari stammers. “How is it outside?”
“A bit chilly,” Akihiko reports. He nods to his wife. “We should probably head out pretty soon. Before it gets too cold.”
“Yeah, probably about time.” Minako strides over and nudges her brother. “But hey, we gotta see the birthday girl get her present first!”
“Present?” Yukari repeats. “What?”
Makoto smiles. “Wouldn’t be a birthday party without a present, right?” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small card. “A spa day. Specifically for pregnant women. I figured it might-”
Before he can even finish, Yukari leaps from her seat - well, as close to a leap as a woman as far along as her can muster - and snatches the card. “Ohmygod,” she gasps out. “That’s so perfect! Oh my god, I need this.”
Minako snorts. “Pretty much the response I expected.”
“Figured you needed to relax,” Makoto says. “It’s been a long few months, and I know you need to relieve some tension.” He shifts awkwardly. “Besides, I’m sure my technique leaves something to be desired.”
She rolls her eyes. “Pfft, you’re weirdly good at giving massages.” Clutching the card to her chest, she takes in a deep breath and releases it. “But this… Ahh, I can’t wait. Thank you guys, really.”
Akihiko shakes his head. “It was their idea.”
Minako elbows him. “You helped pay for it, idiot.”
“Enjoy it,” Makoto tells her, ignoring the others. “You’ve more than earned it.”
“Thanks.” She throws herself into his arms. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
As she holds him, though, she can’t help but think about what Minako told her. Ages ago, she told him she was tired of him ignoring his own feelings to focus on hers. And now she’s ignoring his feelings too…
Not anymore.
As soon as she opens the door, she beams and hugs her guest.
“Hey, Aigis,” Yukari says, smiling easily. “It’s great to see you again.”
“It’s good to see you as well, Yukari-san.”
She rolls her eyes. “Aigis, you know you don’t have to be so formal.”
Her former roommate has changed dramatically since high school. An android still, naturally, but more human than anyone could have dreamed possible. Whether the twins were a positive or negative influence on her depends on who you ask, and some might argue Junpei did irreversible damage to the poor robot, but it’s hard to fault the results.
Yukari can’t help but be a bit proud of her own contribution. Back in the SEES days, Aigis wore only the Gekkoukan uniform. Once they became roommates, Yukari took her on an almost obsessive shopping spree to find the clothes that best fit her.
Turns out, quite a lot of clothes look good on Aigis. Casual outfits were the hardest, especially for the summer. Short sleeves and spaghetti straps were obviously off the table, but long sleeves would look odd in the summer heat.
Winter casual outfits were much easier. Nice jackets suit her well while covering up her robotic parts. Black works best on her, though admittedly black looks good on everyone. On Aigis, though, it highlights the things that make her unique in Japan. Her blonde hair and her lucent eyes shine in contrast to the depth of the darks.
“You said you required help?” Aigis asks.
“Oh, right, yeah! Come in, come in.”
Aigis steps into their apartment and gives it a short look over before turning to Yukari. “You are nearing your due date. By my calculations, you should give birth sometime close to the start of the new year.”
Yukari blanches. “Your calculations? ”
“Given a conception date of April 6th, I would expect your baby to be due near the beginning of January.”
“Okay, okay. Jeez… Didn’t think you were paying that much attention…”
“In contrast, Minako-san’s due date would be sometime in June, given-”
“That’s not what I asked you to come here for, Aigis!”
Okay, Aigis hasn’t completely changed, but that’s fine. It would suck if she lost everything that made her who she was.
“What did you need assistance with, Yukari-san?”
She shifts on her feet. “Well… not much, actually. I just want you to spend the night with me.”
Aigis cocks her head. “That’s all?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“Is Makoto-san unavailable?”
I’m gonna make him unavailable. Ever since her birthday she’s been thinking more and more about how stressed Makoto must be. And especially since his workload has been increasing lately, now felt like the right time to take action.
Yukari smirks. “He’s gonna be a bit busy tonight. I don’t really need you to do much, but… Well, it’s probably not good for a pregnant woman this far along to be alone all night, right?”
Aigis nods. “Very well. I will assist however possible.”
“Thanks, Aigis!”
She checks the time. Not long until he gets off work…
Makoto finishes up the last of his paperwork for the day and leans back in his seat with a sigh.
Winter is always difficult for therapists. Cold weather and dark nights don’t do much for people’s mental health. The season’s hit pretty hard already, despite not having technically started yet. They’ve had some snow, and the temperature’s been falling rapidly.
He couldn’t be more furious at that fact. Admittedly, he quite likes the winter generally, increase in patients aside. He’s a simple man, and cold nights make for a good opportunity to stay home and cuddle with his wife. He doesn’t really need spectacle, not when he’s got that.
This winter, though… He wants - needs - to be with Yukari, and this sudden influx of patients is making that difficult.
Once the baby’s born it’ll be even harder. The expected due date isn’t far now, which means the seasonal depression will be at its peak for most people. He’ll have paternal leave, but how easily can he take it? He can’t just abandon these people, but he desperately needs to be there for his wife and his child.
It’s all been weighing on him more and more.
He gathers his things and leaves his office with a yawn. It’s been a long week, but he needs to get home quickly to cook for Yukari. He can’t rest, not yet.
When he steps outside, though, he’s almost immediately ambushed.
A hand slaps down on his shoulder, and then there’s a grinning face just two inches from his. “Yo, ‘sup dude?”
Makoto blinks. “Junpei?”
“Been a while, right?”
Years have done much to change his friend. He looks more mature now, more solid and stable. The scruffy beard does quite a lot on that front. Fatherhood naturally changed him quite a bit too. Despite that newfound maturity, however, he’s still Junpei Iori.
“What are you doing here?” Makoto asks.
He grins. “Got an emergency call.”
“…What?”
And then there’s a hand on his other shoulder, and when he turns he finds his sister grinning at him. “Boo!”
He blinks. “Minako?”
“Oh, come on! At least pretend to be scared!”
“Why are you both…?”
“Yukari called,” Minako explains with a shrug. “She figured you could use a break from working and taking care of her all the time. So we’re here to get you outta the house for a while.”
He stares. “But then who…?”
“Ai-chan’s got Yukari covered,” Junpei assures him. “So you’re ours for the night, buddy!”
For a moment, Makoto still just gapes at them. To have this all thrown on him so suddenly has him shaken off balance.
Yet when he falls back to himself, he smiles. “Alright. Where to?”
Given that Minako is also pregnant, not to mention the fact that Junpei detests alcohol and Makoto lacks the taste for it, bars are off the table.
Instead, Minako drags them to a recently-opened cafe, a humble and calm hole-in-the-wall shop that serves nice brews and good pastries. She apparently goes there quite a bit when she’s in town, which has been more frequent since October. Why she never told him about it is a bit beyond him, but so be it.
“We won a tournament back in October,” Junpei brags. “Those kids worked their asses off, lemme tell ya.”
He’s always talking up his team, never disparaging them. Positive reinforcement is much more Junpei’s style. Being a coach was probably the most ideal career choice for him.
It’s no surprise he’s apparently been a fantastic dad so far.
“Wish I could’ve come to see it,” Makoto says.
“Nah, nah, you’ve got loads of stuff going on already.”
“Still.” He sips from his coffee, and then frowns. “You know… I hadn’t thought about it, but I’ve been on the same routine for months now. Work, and then home to take care of Yukari. I go to the store on the weekends, and that’s about the only change.”
Minako laughs. “Jeez. You’ve been really gung-ho about this whole thing, huh?”
“My wife’s pregnant. Of course I’m focused on her.”
Junpei slaps his hand down on Makoto’s shoulder. “Nah, listen to me, man. Speaking as someone who went through this already, you gotta take care of yourself too. Yukari needs you around, sure, but she ain’t helpless. Can’t run yourself ragged like this.”
He hesitates for a long moment. Then he taps the rim of his coffee cup and smiles slightly. “This is a nice break.”
“Right!?”
“And hey, we’ll be around to help out once the baby’s born,” Minako assures him. “You don’t have to work yourself to the bone then, either.”
“You’ll be almost four months along by then.”
“Hey! I won’t be helpless either!”
Junpei snorts. “Don’t underestimate the girls, man.”
“I just… didn’t want to overexert her. Or you.”
His sister gives a dismissive shrug. “You think we’re gonna keep our mouths shut if it’s too much? Nah, you’ll know right off the bat. Besides, Aigis can help out too, and Mitsuru and Fuuka as well. We’re all in this together, right?”
He can’t help a small laugh. “Yeah. We are.”
She pokes him sharply in the center of his chest. “Goes both ways, though. You better not abandon me and Aki when it’s our turn, got it?”
“Of course not. Did you think I’d brush you off?”
Junpei sighs and shakes his head. “Man, I dunno what’s got the two of you so worried. You’re both gonna be great parents, you know that?”
Minako scowls. “Hey, can’t we just be stressed in peace?”
“No! It’s stupid!”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
Makoto chuckles. “I did miss this,” he admits.
His twin grins broadly. “Gotta take some time for yourself. I can already tell I’m gonna have to say the same thing to Aki…”
Junpei snorts. “Yeah, that guy can never do anything halfway. But if we’ve gotta drag him out, we’ll do it!”
“Might just have to take you up on that offer…” She shakes her head sternly. “Alright, we’re not here to talk about partners!” She raises her cup up. “Come on, let’s do a little toast. To the soon-to-be father!”
“Yeah, the soon-to-be father!” Junpei echoes.
Makoto can’t help a small smile as he raises his cup and clinks it against both of theirs. The warmth of the coffee floods through his body, and fends off the chill like it was never there to begin with.
When he gets home, he finds Aigis sitting in the living room.
“Hey,” he calls out. “Are you alright?”
She looks up and stands at the sound of his voice. “Oh, Makoto-san! Yes, I was assisting Yukari-san, but at this point I believe she no longer requires me.”
“Is she in bed?”
“Yes. It would seem she was rather tired.”
“Alright. Thanks, Aigis.” He hugs her tightly, and she takes her leave.
He discards his bag and tip-toes his way to the bedroom, hoping her supernatural hearing won’t detect him. Within, he finds her on her side, a pillow between her legs. He closes the door gently and walks as carefully as he can.
Despite all of that, she raises her head and says, “Makoto?”
He curses himself mentally. “Sorry. I was trying not to wake you up.”
“I wasn’t asleep,” she admits. “I was, um, just pretending.”
“…Why?”
Yukari sits up and rubs her neck awkwardly. “Aigis means well but, um… She gives really bad foot massages…”
He gives a small huff of a laugh. “Sorry. I could have-“
“No no no! The whole point of this was to get you out of the house for a bit.” She meets his gaze finally. “So… was it nice?”
“Yeah,” he assures her. “It was nice. Thank you.”
“Good… You’ve been thinking about me too much.”
“Can you blame me?”
“I mean, no. But still! You need a day off too, you know. I can’t even imagine doing your job and then coming back here and taking care of me… Must be exhausting.”
“It is,” he admits. “But it’s worth it.”
“Mm… I just wish it wasn’t going to get harder after this…”
That’s the part that keeps them both from relaxing. The reality is that this part is the easy one. The actual challenge comes when the baby is born.
The mixture of anticipation and nervousness is an odd concoction, and not a particularly appealing one. Still, he knows in his heart that this will all be worthwhile. All the effort and the sleepless nights and the worry will pay off.
It’ll just take a little while.
He sits down on the bed next to her. “Aigis might not be good at foot massages, but I’m decent at them. Would you like-”
“Yes,” she answers, before he can even finish talking. “ God , they’re killing me…”
When the new year arrives, everyone decides to come around to celebrate.
He asks for Yukari’s approval before agreeing to the plan, worrying that so many people might not be something she wants, but she assures him that she’d love to see everyone.
He spends a good chunk of the day preparing food - a veritable feast complete with just about every recipe he knows. Minako will be upset at him for not letting her cook it with him, but this is a Yuki party, not a Sanada party, so that seems like her own fault.
As the hours pass by, he starts to feel a strange nervousness, one he can’t even properly understand. A creeping sensation of anticipation that doesn’t really seem to have any particular cause. He’s never felt uncomfortable about having company here, especially not when it’s his friends, so why does he suddenly have this hollow feeling in his stomach?
There’s no point lingering on the feeling, so he focuses on cutting vegetables.
Just as the sun sets though, the building tension reaches a crescendo, and Yukari comes into the kitchen with wide eyes. “Makoto?”
“Is something wrong?”
“My contractions started,” she breathes. “I think… I think it’s happening.”
The knife drops from his hand.