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Eddie's always done everything he can to make sure the Christmas season is full of joy. Mostly for his son, who, despite getting older, still cares deeply about the idea of the perfect Christmas.
Chris has confessed to Eddie that he doesn’t need to do the whole Santa charade anymore, which only broke Eddie’s heart a tiny bit. He still adds a tag labelled with the big man’s name on one of Christopher’s presents. They both know he’s doing it more for himself than for Chris.
After Shannon’s death, Eddie struggled to find the joy in Christmas. The house suddenly felt too empty, despite the fact that she never lived there. The tree and presents only stood as a reminder of the one gift Christopher had wished for that last Christmas—his mom. Eddie had learned to accept that Christmas mornings at their house would just be the two of them.
This Christmas, however, is different.
This Christmas, it’s not just the two of them. It’s the two of them and the one person so intertwined in their lives Eddie can’t imagine spending Christmas with anyone else.
“Hey, do you think this looks straight?” Buck asks, glancing at Eddie over his shoulder. Eddie who, for whatever reason, was starting to feel the blood rush to his cheeks at the sight of Buck’s sweater riding up as he reached to the top of the tree.
“Hm?” Eddie asks, clearing his throat.
“The star. I feel like it’s crooked.”
Eddie studies it for a moment, taking in all it’s gold sparkly glory.
“Tilt it a little to the left?” Buck nudges it with his finger tip, ever the gentle giant, before stepping back beside Eddie to admire his work.
“It’s perfect,” Buck beams, and Eddie bumps their shoulders together.
“Thanks, Buck. Chris will love it.”
“And you?” Buck asks, setting his gaze on Eddie. Eddie keeps his eyes trained on the tree, suddenly nervous to meet Buck’s eyes.
“I love it too.”
Buck leans into Eddie briefly, the soft fabric of his hoodie warm against Eddie’s arm.
“Hey, I-“ Buck starts.
“Wow!” Chris says, eyeing the tree as he wanders into the room. Buck leans away ever so slightly. “It looks even better with the lights on!”
“And did you see the star?” Buck asks excitedly.
“Yeah, it's great!” Chris squints up at it. “I think it might be crooked, though.”
“What? No way! Your dad says it’s straight, right Eddie?” Buck looks to him expectantly, waiting for him to back him up.
“Looks like it to me, bud,” Eddie confirms.
“Dad, come on, if you think that’s straight then you don’t know the meaning of the word!”
And well, Eddie decides he’s not going to spend too much time thinking on that one.
"And if you think I'm not going to notice that you're up way past your bedtime, then you're crazy."
"Dad, come on, I don't have a bed time," Chris says flatly.
"Well you're up later than I'd like," Eddie argues, crossing his arms.
"Buck said we could play that game I got when you guys were done with the tree."
At that Eddie turns to Buck, raising his brows. Buck offers a sheepish smile back.
"I...did say that, yeah."
Eddie rolls his eyes fondly.
"Alright, well I'm going to bed, and I expect you to do the same in one hour, got it?" He points a finger from Buck to Chris as the two of them nod eagerly, sharing sneaky grins.
"You got it," Buck says.
As Chris moves to set up the game, Buck follows Eddie down the hall.
"Hey, I'm not going to wake you when I come to bed, am I?" Buck asks.
"Don't worry about it, I'll be up for a while. Just giving you two your space."
"You really don't have to do that, you know."
"I know," Eddie says as they wander into the bedroom. "I just figure sometimes he wants to hang with you and not have his lame dad around."
"Come on, Eddie, you know that's not true," Buck argues.
"What, I'm not lame?" Eddie says, feigned hope in his voice.
"Oh, no, you're definitely lame, but he likes having you around anyway."
Eddie shoves Buck playfully, Buck shoving back with more force so Eddie falls back onto the bed. Giggling, Buck flops down beside him. Eddie sighs, feeling a sudden sense of peace as the pair lie there, staring up at the ceiling.
"The tree really does look perfect, Eddie. You outdid yourself."
Eddie lolls his head to the side, meeting Buck's eye.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I think it's going to be the perfect Christmas after all." Buck's demeanour changes slightly, his gaze softening. "I actually wanted to-"
"Buck, you coming?" Chris calls from the living room.
"Uh, yep! Be right there!" Buck calls back, glancing once at Eddie, tapping his arm before pushing off the bed and heading down the hall.
Eddie watches him go before dropping his head back down against the mattress with a sigh.
It should feel like the perfect Christmas, everything coming together like a jigsaw puzzle Eddie's painstakingly assembled.
But for some reason, he still feels like there's a piece missing.
❄︎
The night before Christmas, Eddie wakes with a start to the sound of a thud, seemingly coming from the living room. His first thought is that he needs to make sure Chris is safe. His second thought is that his bed is empty.
The bed in which he knows his best friend was asleep when he climbed in before dozing off himself.
It’s a comforting thought, as he’s sure Buck got up to get water and just accidentally knocked something over. He’s too clumsy for his own good, that guy. Skilled and precise when it comes to fighting fires, but take that uniform off and suddenly everything’s an obstacle just waiting for impact.
Eddie drags himself out of bed, feeling a chill in the air and tugging on a pair of sweats before heading to see if Buck needs help cleaning up whatever mess he may have made. He shuffles into the kitchen only to find it empty before moving to the living room. It’s empty too, and quiet, lit only by the glow of the Christmas tree.
That’s weird, Eddie thinks, fairly certain he made sure to unplug the lights before he went to bed.
Eddie nearly jumps at the sound of rustling behind the tree.
“Buck?” Eddie whispers, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The tree rustles once more and an ornament falls from a branch, rolling across the floor in an almost cartoonish sense before resting right at Eddie’s socked feet.
He bends to pick it up and frowns at the unlikely intact-ness of the glass ball.
Beneath the tree, another lands on the tree skirt, this time remaining still.
“Oh, shoot,” a voice mutters.
A voice that is, decidedly, not Buck’s.
“Um, hello?” Eddie says, slightly concerned at his lack of panic over this random presence in his home.
A figure steps out from behind the tree, and Eddie’s legs nearly give out beneath him.
“Hey, Eddie.”
Smooth brown hair, wide blue eyes, fair skin that Eddie could still feel beneath his fingertips if he only closed his eyes.
“Shannon?”
She steps out farther, now painted in the yellow light shining off the string wrapped carefully around the tree. Eddie can practically hear his heartbeat in his ears. All thoughts but Shannon escape his mind.
“Hey,” she repeats before shaking her head and running a hand through her hair. Her hair that seems so real.
“Sorry, uh, I’m not doing this right,” she says.
“Doing what right?” Eddie asks, taking a few steps toward her. He clenches his fist at his side, aching to reach out and touch.
“Actually, sorry, one sec, this is bugging me,” Shannon says before flicking her wrist in the direction of the star. It shifts where it sits atop the tree, untouched, straightening ever so slightly. Eddie gasps, taking a tiny step back.
“Much better,” Shannon says, turning back to Eddie with a smile.
“H-how did you do that?” Eddie asks.
“I’m your ghost of Christmas past,” she says, as if it’s the simplest thing on earth. In Eddie’s—albeit, sleep deprived—mind, it certainly is not.
“My…huh?”
“Ghost of Christmas past.” Again, plain and simple. Eddie thinks he must be living through one of the weirdest dreams he’s ever had.
“Like that old guy in that one movie?”
“If you mean Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol,” Shannon corrects with a roll of her eyes, “then yes. And technically it was a book first.”
“Isn’t that, like, a whole you’re-too-greedy-stop-hoarding-money-and-start-giving-back thing? Because trust me, I don’t have-“
“That’s not what this is, Eddie.” Shannon steps toward him, and as she gets farther from the tree Eddie realizes the glow of her skin isn’t from the lights, it’s just her. She’s glowing a warm yellow from head to toe. Deliriously, Eddie thinks it suits her.
“Alright, what is it then?” Eddie plops himself down on the couch.
“If I tell you that kind of defeats the purpose.” Shannon follows his lead, sitting opposite him on the coffee table.
Eddie thinks for a moment, taking all of…whatever this is in.
“Hey, isn’t there supposed to be someone else before you?”
“What?”
“In the movie, the guy-“
“Scrooge.”
“-gets visited by his old business partner-“
“Marley.”
“-and he explains that the three ghosts are going to show up and everything. What happened to that part?”
“Well, for starters, you don’t have an old business partner, you just have Buck, and he’s not dead.”
Eddie’s a little taken aback by the cavalier mention of death coming from the late mother of his child.
“And second of all, this is similar to A Christmas Carol, but also very different.”
“Okay…” Eddie nods slowly, casting his mind back to the movie.
“Can we get going, then, ‘cause I’m sort of on a tight schedule here.”
Eddie shakes his head with a smile.
“Always the planner, Shan.”
She stands, extending a small hand out in front of him. He shoots her an incredulous look. If she’s a ghost, surely he can’t…
He reaches out carefully, blinking up at her once before curling his fingers around her palm, wrapping her hand in his. A rush of emotions hits him at once as all the air escapes his lungs. His left hand meets his right as he encloses her hand within his own. He brushes along her wrist, her skin soft beneath his fingertips.
Just as he’d remembered.
Her other hand falls to his cheek, dragging his gaze up to meet her, and she smiles down gently at him, a sense of understanding in her eyes.
“Ready?”
Eddie starts to nod before pausing quickly.
“We don’t have to fly through the sky do we?”
Shannon giggles at that before shaking her head.
“No, we don’t.”
Eddie blinks once more and finds himself in the firehouse.
He stumbles, eyes widening.
“Woah, how did we-“
“Ghost, remember? I can do anything,” Shannon says with a mischievous wink.
Eddie takes in the sight around him. The firehouse is clad with decorations, several people sporting festive Santa hats and trading candy canes for chocolates. A pair of women exchange small gift boxes in the locker room. It’s downright cheerful.
“Looks like everyone’s feeling the Christmas spirit,” Eddie observes.
“Not everyone,” Shannon says, guiding Eddie’s attention to the donation table, where, confusingly, Eddie stands.
“Is that me?” Eddie asks, peering at the man before him. He's younger, a little less muscular than he is now, but it's definitely him. A few feet from where he stands are Buck and Chimney, the pompom of a Santa hat bouncing off Buck’s face as he talks animatedly about something that makes Chimney laugh.
“God, Buck looks so different.”
“How so?” Shannon asks, and Eddie wonders if the ghost before him—he’s accepting this insanity as his reality for the time being—knows of the man Buck has become.
“He’s…smaller. Like, all around. He’s really beefed up over the years. And his hair is curlier now. It suits him better, not that he ever looked bad before.”
“He’s wearing a hat,” Shannon points out blankly.
“Well, yeah, but I know his hair’s straight under there. I used to notice every time he’d let it be curly. I kind of always hoped one day he’d keep it that way. Guess I got my wish.”
Shannon hums with understanding.
“He’s also not quite…” Eddie trails off, watching as Buck crouches down to accept a donation from a little girl accompanied by her mom. He beams at her, and Eddie can only imagine the sweet sound of his voice, the way he talks when he’s trying to make a kid feel special.
“Not quite?” Shannon presses.
“Uh, yeah, not quite as…soft as he is now, I guess. Like, he’s a big strong firefighter, of course, and he’s always getting stronger. But I feel like over the years he’s also gotten softer.” He turns to Shannon, met with a look that seems to say she sees something he doesn’t.
She looks back over to Buck.
“Maybe he seems softer because of how you feel about him,” she says, and Eddie frowns.
“What do you-“
“Wait, shh, I’m making my big entrance!” Shannon interrupts, gesturing to where, sure enough, she’s approaching Eddie at the table, donation in hand.
This, Eddie remembers all too well. The way he’d hid her from Christopher, made her sneak out the back door. Kept her from him all because of his own fears—of losing her, of losing his son, of not being enough for either of them.
How silly it seems to think that, at one point or another, all those fears came true.
He watches as the pair of them head toward the locker room. Only this time catching the shared curious look between Buck and Chim as they go.
He sees himself shut the door behind him, turning to face Shannon, and wonders what he could be saying for the briefest of moments before, suddenly, he’s right in there with them.
“-and right now I feel even farther away from him and from you than I ever did when we weren’t speaking,” Shannon exclaims. “Are you ever gonna let me see Christopher?”
“Of course…eventually.”
Eddie winces at his own words. If he could go back, knowing how things would turn out, he would’ve given Chris as much time as possible with his mom.
He turns to the version of Shannon that’s observing the scene with him and finds her watching with pained eyes. Eddie watches with her for another moment. Stares as he angrily paces the room, walking circles around Shannon as the two of them argue back and forth.
“Does he know that I’m here?”
“I didn’t wanna confuse him. Not until I was sure-“
Eddie reaches out, wordlessly taking Shannon’s glowy hand in his, and he feels her eyes on him. He speaks without meeting her gaze.
“I’m really sorry I kept him from you,” Eddie whispers, despite the understanding that their other versions can neither see nor hear them.
“You said it yourself, you didn’t want to confuse him. You did what you thought was right. I probably would’ve done the same."
“You shouldn’t be the one comforting me here,” Eddie says.
“I always loved that about you,” Shannon says, ignoring Eddie’s words.
“What?”
“Just listen.”
Eddie tunes back in to the argument that seems to only be amping up the longer it lasts.
“I thought it was a reconciliation. Right up until the moment when you hid me from our son.”
“I didn’t know what else to do!” Eddie raises his voice, only slightly, before stopping short with a sigh. “I didn’t know what else to do,” he repeats in a calmer, more controlled tone. “And I’m not keeping you from our son like some kind of punishment.”
“See?” Shannon asks, squeezing his hand tighter.
“See what?”
“You’re just…so not your father. You know how not to let your emotions get the best of you. You don’t yell, you don’t lash out. Even though I’m not around to see it, I can always trust that you won’t treat Christopher the way your dad treated you.”
Eddie thinks about all the times his dad yelled at him as a kid. There are too many to count.
He thinks about how much rage he felt inside after Shannon died, and how much of it he let out.
He thinks about calling Buck out in the middle of the grocery store.
He thinks about the horrible things he said to Bobby in his own home.
He thinks about pointing a finger in Buck’s face in the middle of their kitchen.
Their kitchen.
It’s a series of fleeting thoughts. Nothing more.
“Well, you’re right about Chris. I’d never yell at him. As far as not letting my emotions get the best of me, I’m not so sure.”
Finally, Eddie meets Shannon’s gaze, her eyes softening with a calm smile.
“Sometimes allowing yourself to feel your emotions wholly is the best thing you can do.”
“I don’t think other people-“
“For yourself, Eddie. Sometimes you need to do things for yourself, no matter what others think.”
He feels as though she’s trying to communicate something deeper. Like there’s something he’s meant to be reading between the lines, but it’s all too much for his mind to comprehend.
“I forgive you,” his past self says. “I’m just not sure I can trust you.”
With that, Eddie—other Eddie—leaves, Shannon only mere seconds behind.
“Was that it?” Eddie asks once the two of them are alone.
“It?”
“You know, the thing from my past you’re supposed to show me?”
“Do you feel you’ve learned something?” Shannon asks plainly.
“I…I’m not sure.” Eddie suddenly feels small. He gets that this is happening so he can gain some sort of newfound understanding of life. He feels a little dumb for not knowing right away what sort of drastic change he needs to make to better himself.
“Then we’re not done yet,” Shannon says.
And then Eddie’s staring at a fountain.
He’s staring at a fountain with himself and Buck sat on the edge.
He follows his own gaze over his shoulder to where Christopher waits patiently in line to see Santa, and he can’t help but smile, tears stinging his eyes. His precious son was once so tiny, he can hardly believe that boy became the teenager he lives with now.
“I remember this.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I was taking Chris to see Santa. I didn’t love the idea—don’t you dare mention the puking thing,” he adds as Shannon opens her mouth with a smirk. “But he really wanted to make a wish. Um, for you, actually.” Eddie clears his throat, feeling studied now under Shannon’s stare. “And Buck just sort of, tagged along. It was one of the first times the three of us hung out together.”
“Sounds nice.”
“It was,” Eddie says, now looking back at himself and the man who so quickly became his best friend.
Eddie can’t hear the words he and Buck exchange as they sit with their backs to the water. He doesn’t need to. He remembers telling Buck all about his situation with Shannon. Buck listening intently, allowing Eddie the space to get everything off his chest.
He notices Buck shift to press their knees together, the way he’s done countless times in their lives since then. A motion that’s so second nature Eddie wouldn't think twice about it now, but he faintly remembers the way his brain short circuited when it first happened. The way he continued to speak despite his mind shouting This is new. This is different. I shouldn’t like this the way I do.
He’d liked having Buck to talk to. He’d liked having Buck next to him. He’d liked Buck touching him.
He’d let it—made it—be no more than a momentary thought, drifting off with the wind the second the pair stood to meet Chris, guided back to them by a woman dressed as an elf.
He takes a deep breath, observing silently as he bends to question Chris on what he asked for from Santa.
“I can’t tell, Santa said he’d work on it,” Chris responds cheekily.
Eddie’s past self giggles, beaming down at him before hoisting his son up into his arms and turning to leave.
“So was that-“
“Wait, we’re not done yet.”
“But I thought-“
“Eddie, listen.”
Eddie sighs, crossing his arms and watching as he walks off with his son, leaving Buck standing with the woman. He’s a bit surprised to find Buck just watching him walk away with a smile. He doesn’t remember noticing him ever falling behind.
“You two have an adorable son.”
Wait...what?
Eddie can hardly believe his ears. He glances to Shannon who’s simply watching the scene before them, faint smile gracing her lips.
It’s as if time slows down as he waits to hear Buck’s response. Surely he’ll set her straight, explain that Chris is Eddie’s kid, not his. That the two of them aren’t a couple raising a son together. That they’ve only known each other less than a year and to think anything else is going on would be crazy.
"Uh..."
Buck looks from the woman to Eddie and Chris, then back to the woman, before uttering two words Eddie never would have predicted.
“Thank you.”
For some reason, Eddie can’t breathe. He feels winded, light-headed, like he needs to sit down.
He watches Buck catch up to him and his son with an extra pep in his step, his past self beaming at Buck when he reaches his side. He sees a sort of glint is his own eyes that he’s never had the chance to notice until now.
“I don’t…why are we here?” Eddie asks, eyes still fixed on the trio as they wander farther away.
“I thought you needed to see that, too.” Shannon steps closer, offering a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“He just acted like we were a family. I would’ve…” Eddie trails off. He knows what he would’ve done. He would’ve insisted they weren’t a couple. Insisted that he’s straight, and Christopher is his kid, not Buck’s.
But then why does the idea of saying Chris isn’t Buck’s feel so wrong?
“I don’t think it’s ever been an act, Eddie.”
“What?” Eddie’s pulled from whatever thought into which he was sinking.
“Neither of you have to act like you’re a family. You just are one,” Shannon adds.
Eddie feels a lump in his throat. The air returns to his lungs but it burns.
“He’s my best friend, Shannon.” His palms are sweating. He feels a sense of unease he’s never felt before.
“And nothing more?”
Eddie wonders if there’s a sin in life worse than lying to the ghost of your dead wife.
“Nothing more.”
He supposes he’ll find out eventually.
Shannon sighs, shaking her head, and they’re back in Eddie’s living room.
“I’m never going to get used to that,” Eddie says, leaning back into the couch. Shannon sits beside him, turning her body to face him with a frustrated sigh.
“This isn’t going to work if you don’t cooperate with me,” she insists.
“I am cooperating!”
“Oh, sure you are,” she says with a roll of her eyes.
Eddie composes himself, taking her hands in his. For a ghost, she’s so warm. He’ll forever be grateful for the opportunity to replace the last memory of her cold hand in his.
“Hey, listen, I need to say…”
Shannon looks back at him with those big bright eyes of hers and he’s not sure where to begin.
“I messed things up with us more times than I can count. I was scared, when we had Chris, and I ran. And yeah we needed the money, but I didn’t have to go so far to get it. And when I was supposed to be done, when I was meant to come home, I just kept on running. I made you do it all on your own and it wasn’t fair.”
“Hey, I made sure to return the favour,” Shannon jokes dryly. Eddie sniffles, and she wipes a stray tear from his cheek. He hadn’t even noticed he’d started crying.
“We both made mistakes. I just wish I’d had more time to make things right. I needed more time with you, Shan. He needed more time with you.”
More tears stream down his face.
“I’d give anything to have more time with him,” Shannon says. “Time’s a funny thing. You never know you’re wasting it until it's already passed you by.”
Eddie's heart wrenches.
“Are you there, when we visit you? Your grave, I mean. Are you there?” he asks desperately.
A soft hand cups his cheek as Shannon traces her thumb through the wet streaks beneath his eye. Her own eyes are brimmed with tears.
“I’m there. I’m always there.”
Eddie breaks down, throwing his arms around her torso, resting his head on her chest. His body shakes with his sobs, letting the emotions he keeps locked away flow out into the air around them. Shannon strokes a hand through his hair.
“I miss you so much,” he chokes out. “I never want to let you go.”
“You have to, Eddie. You have to let me go.”
He tightens his grip, wishing to live in this fantasy with her forever.
“I can’t.”
“You can. Hey,” she leans back, pulling his attention up to meet her eyes. “You can.”
“I don’t want to forget you.”
“You’re not forgetting me. You’ll keep me in your heart, right here.” She places a hand over his chest. “You’ll make sure my son knows who I was. You’ll make sure he knows how much I loved him. How much I’ll always love him. You’ll never forget me, Eddie.”
“I won’t,” he insists. “I promise I won’t.”
“But you can’t let the memory of me get in the way of your own happiness.”
He sniffles. “I don’t…I’m not doing that.”
“I think you are.”
“How?”
Shannon takes a deep breath, and Eddie sees her trying to decide how to approach the conversation.
“I think you’ve been searching for something. Someone. To make you feel whole. To fill the void I left behind. You’ve dated, since I’ve been gone. You’ve had relationships, but they never go anywhere, do they?”
Eddie blinks up at her, wondering how much she knows.
“With Ana, you tried to stay with her for Christopher, right?”
Okay, so maybe she knows a lot.
“You wanted to make it work because he loved her, but for some reason you never could.”
Eddie blinks up at her, at a loss for words.
“And with Marisol, you tried to make it work there too, but then you met Kim.”
Oh, god.
“Granted, that wasn’t all your fault. But you saw someone who resembled me, and you just had to talk to her. Even though you knew she wasn’t me.”
Eddie can’t believe she’s talking about this. He wants nothing more than to forget that whole situation ever happened. What a massive mess he created simply because he lacked closure.
He realizes, now, that he’s getting the closure he’s always needed, if only in the form of a ghost.
“The problem, Eddie,” Shannon continues, “is that whatever void I may have left, you’ve had it filled for years. You just don’t even realize."
Eddie’s eyebrows pinch together. “I don’t know what you-“
“It’s okay. He’ll explain it better than I could. He knows you two better than I ever did anyway.”
“Who?”
“You’ll see.”
And just like that, her image starts to fade. He can’t feel her anymore.
“Wait, Shannon, no, I need-“
“You can do this, Eddie. I know you can.” She smiles, and it takes everything in him to utter the last words he may ever get the chance to say to her, face to face.
“I love you, Shannon. So much.”
“I love you too, Eddie.”
⋆✴︎˚。⋆
Just like that, she’s gone, and he’s left alone, the only glow in the room coming from the Christmas tree in the corner.
Eddie runs his hands down his face, feeling like he’s lived a million lives in the span of one night, and it’s not even over. He sighs, looking around, remembering Shannon’s words.
“He knows you two better than I ever did anyway.”
Eddie’s wracking his brain, wondering what any of that could possibly mean, when he hears a clatter coming from the kitchen.
He turns his head and sees the fridge door open, a figure leaning down behind it.
Standing from the couch and wandering carefully toward it, he clears his throat.
“Uh…ghost of Christmas present?”
“You really need to stock this fridge better.” A voice calls from behind the door. “I’d figured with Buck around that wouldn't be a problem for you.”
The figure stands, shutting the door, and turning to face him with a smile that nearly knocks Eddie on his ass.
“Bobby,” Eddie says. It comes out as nothing but a whisper.
“Hey, kid.”
Eddie practically flies across the room, crashing into Bobby with a force so strong he nearly knocks the man down. Bobby wraps his arms around Eddie and the tears flow immediately. Eddie clutches at the fabric of Bobby’s shirt, burying his face into his shoulder.
“God, I’m so sorry,” Eddie cries.
“It’s okay, Eddie. It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” He holds on even tighter. “I should’ve been there. I could’ve done something.”
“Everyone who was there did everything they could. It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“It mattered to me.”
Eddie releases Bobby from his hold just enough to lean back and take him in. Unlike Shannon, who glowed a warm yellow, Bobby shines with a soft pale blue. It’s calming, just as Bobby’s presence always was. Knowing he was there, on every call, made Eddie confident that things would turn out okay.
He wonders sadly if he’ll ever feel that sense of security again.
“How have you been doing?” Bobby asks.
A laugh escapes him as he wipes his tears. “Clearly I’ve been better.”
“Have you talked to anyone?”
Eddie wonders what Bobby means by that. Has he seen a therapist? Has he talked with the people in his life?
But he knows his answer is one Bobby will be glad to hear.
“I’ve gone to church.”
Bobby nods with a calm smile.
“I've, um, kind of started just, like…talking with the priest. In the pews. There’s something about him that just, calms me, I think.”
Eddie hears the way Bobby’s breath catches in his throat, tears welling in his eyes.
“Is that bad?” Eddie asks nervously.
“No.” Bobby smiles thoughtfully. “It’s exactly what I used to do.”
Eddie’s heart feels full. He’s always looked up to Bobby, seen him as the kind of man he wants to become. A loving father, a competent firefighter, a man people can depend on. He sees the positive impact Bobby had on so many lives and only hopes he can manage to do the same.
“I thought I’d never see you again,” Eddie says quietly.
“Well I’m right here, and I’m not leaving just yet.”
“Not without saying goodbye. I can’t handle that again,” Eddie says. He sees the sadness in Bobby’s eyes at his words and instantly wants to take them back.
“Not without saying goodbye,” Bobby affirms. Eddie nods.
“Well,” Bobby clasps his hands in front of him. “We could stand here chatting all night, but I actually have a few things I need to show you.”
“Of course you do,” Eddie says.
“Shall we?”
“Do you do the teleport thingy too or-“
And suddenly they’re in…
“Maddie and Chim’s house?” Eddie asks, looking around at the beautifully decorated living room, a tall tree in one corner, adorned with pink, blue, and purple ornaments. Eddie smiles, recalling the picture Buck had sent him of the pack of ornaments Jee picked out when the pair of them went decoration shopping.
“What are we doing here?” Eddie asks, turning to see Bobby looking fondly at the couple walking in from the kitchen.
“I don’t think we need any more candy canes, babe.” Maddie says.
“Okay, but if I hand out half of these at the firehouse-“
“Then we’ll still have enough to make it through next Christmas!” Maddie giggles, kissing Chimney on the cheek as they settle on the couch. Chimney sets a ridiculously large box of candy canes down on the table.
Eddie can’t help the twinge he feels in his heart as he watches them, so perfect together. He thinks how lucky they are to have found each other, wondering if he'll ever find the same thing for himself.
The doorbell rings.
“I got it,” Chimney says, hopping up from the couch and jogging to the door. He swings it open and a container of cupcakes appears in front of his face.
“Just as promised!”
The twinge in Eddie’s heart morphs into a swell as Buck steps inside, handing the fresh baked cupcakes—each one beautifully decorated, Eddie knows—to Chim. In the opposite hand, Buck carries a comically large bag.
“More sweets? Jee’s not going to sleep for a week!” Maddie says, standing from the couch to hug her brother. “And that bag better not be filled with gifts for Jee and the baby. Their dad spoils them both enough as it is.”
Chimney holds up his hands in surrender.
“It’s not!” Buck says, setting it down to wrap his arms around Maddie. She leans back, giving him a disbelieving look.
“There’s like, one or two for you and Chim in there too,” he says cheekily.
Eddie looks down, shaking his head, biting back the smile that’s creeping onto his face. He feels Bobby’s gaze on him and tilts his head to meet his eye.
“So this is the present?”
Bobby nods. “Technically, yes. This happened tonight, just a few hours ago.”
“Okay. And um, why are we here?”
“Not the most patient tonight are we, Eddie?” Bobby teases, and Eddie chuckles.
He can’t help but dread the way his heart is going to break all over again when Bobby fades away.
“Sorry, sorry.” He turns his focus back to the group before them.
“I’ll put these in the kitchen,” Maddie says, moving to take the cupcakes from Chimney.
“Hey, hey! Are you forgetting something?” Chimney says, pointing up to the ceiling above them. Eddie follows his gesture to find a cluster of mistletoe dangling above them.
“You’re ridiculous,” she says, before leaning in to kiss him sweetly, leaving him with a dopey smile plastered on his face.
As Maddie heads for the kitchen, Chimney turns to Buck with a grin.
“Got any of those hanging in your place, Buckaroo?”
Eddie’s brow quirks at his teasing tone.
“Shut up, Chim,” Buck says. If Eddie didn’t know any better he’d say Buck seems almost embarrassed. He stuffs his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, kicking his feet at the carpet, blush rising on his cheeks.
“I mean talk about a surefire way to-“
“Chim! Seriously! I’m not putting mistletoe up in the house.”
Eddie looks slowly to Bobby once more and finds him already looking back with a knowing smile.
“You could pass it off as just another Christmas decoration! It’s fool proof!”
“And what, tell him he has to kiss me? Real romantic, Chim.”
Eddie’s eyes go wide. He wonders who sucked all the oxygen out of the room. He wonders further if it’s possible for your heart to actually beat out of your chest. If it is, he’s certain it’s about to happen to him.
“What’s Chim being romantic about?” Maddie asks as she strolls back into the room. A room full of people completely unaware that Eddie’s whole world has stopped spinning on it’s axis.
“Buck won’t put up mistletoe in their house,” Chimney explains.
“Good. That’s a terrible plan,” Maddie says flatly.
“Ha!” Buck points a finger at Chimney with a victorious grin.
“He should just tell him how he feels like I’ve been suggesting for the last two months.”
“Wait-“
“Well, yeah.” Chimney agrees. “That’s obviously better, but I’m saying if he’s not going to do that, then the least he could do is-“
“Guys.”
“The least he could do is be open and honest about his feelings.” Maddie says. “It’s been long enough, I mean they’re practically-“
“Guys!”
The pair of them stop, turning to finally acknowledge Buck’s presence.
“I’m not confessing my feelings at Christmas! It’s way too high stakes.”
“I don’t see how it’s any higher stakes than any other day of the year,” Maddie argues, crossing her arms.
“Oh, yeah. ‘Merry Christmas, and oh by the way I’m in love with you.’ That’d go over great.”
“Well don’t say it like that.”
“I need to sit down,” Eddie chokes out, barely able to find the breath to speak. Bobby guides him to the dining room table, pulling out a chair into which Eddie promptly collapses.
Bobby carefully sits himself in the chair next to him, placing a strong but comforting hand on Eddie’s shoulder.
“How we doing here, Eddie?”
Eddie’s staring off at nothing, thoughts running a mile a minute. Emotions swirling like a tornado, not slowing long enough for him to understand what they are. The conversation continues behind him, but the ringing in his ears seems to drown it out.
After a while, he looks at Bobby, eyes still wide.
“He’s not…he’s not talking about me, is he?”
“Eddie,” Bobby says flatly.
“He can’t be,” Eddie insists.
“Why not?”
“He- he’s just…he’s Buck.”
“Indeed he is,” Bobby nods.
“Buck can’t be in love with me.”
“I think he can, kid.”
Eddie drops his face into his hands with a sigh.
It’s at a time like this where he thinks he should be able to go over past moments in his head. Times when Buck might have let on that there were feelings there. Times when things felt different.
The problem is, there aren’t any.
Buck has always been Buck. Always caring, always loving, always there for Eddie no matter what he needs. He’s by his side at work, he’s there to pick up or drop Chris off at school when Eddie can’t. He buys groceries, he cooks meals, he waters Eddie’s plants because Eddie always forgets.
He’s his best friend.
He’s his partner.
He’s always there.
“Oh my god,” Eddie breathes, voice muffled by his palms.
Bobby’s hand moves to pat him on the back.
“You believe it now?” he asks.
Eddie sits up, looking in Bobby’s eyes.
“He’s really in love with me?” His voice is small, timid. He doesn’t want to let himself believe it. It just doesn't seem real.
Hell, Bobby’s ghost is sat beside him. It’s more likely to not be real.
And yet.
The look in Bobby’s eyes, steady and sure, tells him he's speaking the truth. And he’d believe whatever Bobby says with an unwavering confidence.
“He really is.”
He really is.
“Buck is in love with me.”
And they’re back in the kitchen.
“No, no. Hang on. You can’t just drop that and leave! What am I…what the fuck do I do with that?”
“Eddie. Eddie, relax. We’re not done.”
“We’re not?”
He’s honestly not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. He doesn't know if his brain can handle any more lessons or crazy life-altering revelations tonight.
“Come on,” Bobby says, gesturing to the living room. Eddie follows, and they walk into the empty living room. Bobby gazes at the Christmas tree, and they stand together in silence. Eddie listens to the sounds of Bobby’s breathing and it soothes him, however unreal it may be.
After a while his curiosity gets the best of him.
“Is…something supposed to happen?” Eddie asks quietly. And just as he does, a door clicks open down the hall and his son wanders in, sitting down in front of the Christmas tree.
Eddie admires him fondly. His beautiful son, home where he belongs. Eddie thinks back to all the nights he spent yearning for him to call, say he misses him and wants to come home. He kicks himself every day for waiting so long to put his foot down and go get him.
Chris picks up a few gifts, checking the tags to see which ones are his. Most are, Eddie knows. For all that Buck did to spoil Jee, he must have done twice as much for Christopher, despite Eddie’s best efforts to get him to stop.
Eddie wonders if this is a little tradition Chris has of his own. He imagines his son through the years, getting up in the middle of the night to inspect his gifts. It fills him with warmth.
As Chris is reaching for another gift, another click of a door sounds down the hall. Chris freezes, but seems to relax when he sees who’s coming.
“Hey, bud. What are you doing up?”
“I was just…looking at the presents,” Chris admits sheepishly.
Buck grins. “Couldn’t wait a few more hours huh?”
“Well I didn’t open any,” Chris says.
“Good. Can’t do that part without me and your dad.” Buck drifts closer, squinting up at the star before reaching to adjust it slightly. Eddie can’t help but chuckle, noticing how he’s tilted it off-centre from where Shannon had righted it before.
Buck ruffles Chris’ hair gently before heading for the kitchen.
“You want a glass of water? I’m just grabbing myself one,” Buck offers.
“Uh, yeah. Thanks.”
While Buck pours the waters, Chris remains seated in front of the tree. Eddie rests his palms on the back of the couch as Bobby moves to sit in front of him.
Buck moves right past Eddie as he walks back in and hands Chris a glass.
Eddie’s reminded of the new information he’s gained tonight, and his heart skips a beat as he admires Buck in the glow of the Christmas tree. His curls shine with a golden hue, his pink lips glistening as he takes a sip of water.
He really is beautiful, Eddie thinks. And he loves me.
“Alright buddy, I think we better go back to sleep. Big day tomorrow,” Buck says, helping Chris to his feet.
“Hey, Buck, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, anything,” he says without a second thought.
Chris glances at the couch.
“Can we sit for a sec?”
“Of course,” Buck says.
Bobby shifts to one end of the couch as the boys settle beside him, and Eddie thinks he might cry again. The sight of the three of them all together on his couch breaks his heart and heals it all at the same time. Eddie wishes it could be real, that he could have all of them here with him, celebrating Christmas.
“So, you know how you’ve been staying with us?” Chris starts.
“Yeah,” Buck says hesitantly. “You’re still okay with that, right?”
Eddie thinks he’d shatter to pieces if Chris said no.
“Yeah, I love having you around. Dinners have certainly improved,” Chris smirks.
“Hey,” Buck says, drawing it out. “Your dad’s cooking isn’t that bad.”
Eddie shakes his head, laughing to himself.
“It is compared to yours!” Chris jokes, and Buck playfully nudges his arm.
“Well I learned from the best of the best, what can I say,” Buck says.
Eddie glances at Bobby to see him wiping a tear from his cheek and his heart wrenches. Bobby looks back at him with a sad smile and Eddie thinks, not for the first time, that life just isn’t fair.
“Could they teach me too?” Chris asks hopefully, and Eddie clutches the back of the couch tighter.
Buck pauses, setting a hand on Chris' shoulder. Eddie can see him doing his best to hold it together.
“How about I teach you sometime?”
Eddie’s hand flexes against the couch, resisting the urge to reach out and run a hand through Buck’s hair.
“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Chris says.
Buck nods. “So…you were going to ask me something?”
“Right. Yeah. Are you moving out?”
Woah.
“Am-am I…moving out?”
“Yeah. When we came back, dad said you were finding a place to live. A different place, like you weren’t going to stay here. But you did. So far, I mean. You stayed. But I keep wondering if you’re going to leave one day.”
Eddie swallows thickly, terrified of Buck’s response.
Buck had been looking for a place, at first. He went to viewings, so many viewings, many of which Eddie tagged along to, but no place felt right.
Eddie realizes only now that the last time Buck even looked at a place was months ago. He’d practically forgotten there was ever a time when Buck wasn’t planning to stay.
For the first few weeks, Buck had slept on the couch, insisting Eddie reclaim his bedroom. They’d argued back and forth, Eddie suggesting they take turns on the couch, but Buck had claimed he’d gotten used to it, and it’d be easier for them to each stick to their spaces.
That only lasted so long before, at the end of a particularly tiring shift, Buck asked if he could share the bed. Not take it, share it. Eddie had agreed without second thought, and from then on out they’d slept side by side. Eddie on the right, Buck on the left. No conversation needed.
Eddie hates the thought of going back to sleeping alone without the sound of Buck snoring beside him.
“I was planning to move out. I looked at apartments, but…” Buck trails off, perhaps as unsure of where he’s going with this as Eddie is. “I’ll be honest, because you’re practically grown up now and I think you can handle it,” Buck says, and Chris’ nervous composure shatters as a goofy smile spreads across his face.
“No matter where I go, no where is as good as here. There’s no where I’d want to be more than this house, with you and your dad.”
For what feels like the hundredth time tonight, Eddie can’t seem to catch his breath.
“I don’t know how you guys feel about it, about me staying, I mean. But I’d stay here as long as you’d have me.”
“I think you should stay forever,” Chris says in an instant.
I think so too, Eddie thinks.
“I’d love that. I do really need to talk to your dad about it, though. I just haven’t found the right time.”
“You should do it soon,” Chris says.
Buck nods with a smile. “Yeah. Yeah I will.”
“You promise?” Chris asks.
Buck shifts slightly, turning to face him a little more. “Even better, I’ll pinky promise.” He holds out his hand, pinky extended. “Me and Maddie always did these when we were kids. It’s the strongest promise you can make, and you can never break it.”
Chris’ eyes light up as he holds out his pinky, so small compared to Buck’s.
“So you’ll definitely ask dad if you can stay?”
Buck clasps their pinkies together.
“Definitely.”
Eddie’s holding back tears as the pair of them rise from the couch and shuffle off to bed. He’s about to speak to Bobby when Buck hurries back into the room, unplugs the tree lights, and wanders back down the hall.
“Smart kid,” Bobby says, before flicking his wrist toward the tree. The string of lights comes back to life, despite the plug sitting on the floor where Buck left it.
“Buck or Chris?” Eddie jokes.
Bobby pats the cushion beside him, now unoccupied, and Eddie circles the couch to sit.
“He loves that kid like crazy,” Bobby says. It’s something Eddie’s always known, but for some reason it now holds more weight.
“Yeah, he does.”
“I hope I’m not overstepping, Eddie, but I know he feels about Christopher the same way I feel about May and Harry. How I feel about him, too.”
Eddie nods, wondering how he could possibly have more tears left as his vision gets blurry again.
“I know,” Eddie says as he wipes his eyes, voice so soft he wonders if Bobby could even hear.
“And however much you might not see it, he loves you too. He loves you more fiercely than I’ve ever seen him love anyone.”
Eddie watches intently as Bobby’s expression becomes reminiscent.
“Your first day on the job, I was worried, you know? New guy, threatening Buck’s fragile ego. I thought, what if they don’t get along? What will I do?”
Eddie laughs, shaking his head.
“I know, but at the time it was a real possibility! But then I watched you crack through that tough guy facade of his in less than one shift, and I knew. I saw something in the way he looked at you. This…glint in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. There was something special there, between you, from the first day you met. That’s a rare thing, Eddie.”
Eddie blinks slowly, staring at his hands in his lap, at a loss for words.
“I only ever wanted what’s best for that kid. And I want that for you too. It took him a long time, a lot of bad decisions, but I think he’s finally figured it out. All he needs now is for you to do the same.”
“I think it scares me,” Eddie admits.
“What does?”
“His love. You were right, he loves fiercely, with every fibre of his being. Anyone who knows him can see that. I just…don’t know if I know what to do with that. If it’s me he’s choosing to love.”
“Let him.”
Eddie meets Bobby’s eyes, and the man nods, as if urging him to agree.
“Just like that?”
“Just like that,” Bobby confirms. “And not just him. The people in your life, your team, let them love you the way you deserve.”
Eddie vows, silently, to do his best. To honour Bobby.
They just sit for a while after that, the pair of them lost in thought, before Bobby breaks the silence.
“I hope he knew,” Bobby says, and Eddie looks up to catch his gaze. “I hope he knew I saw him as a son. I…I need him to know.”
Eddie chews on his bottom lip, using all his might to hold it together.
“He knew.”
Bobby’s eyes reflect the same look of sadness Eddie’s sure to be sporting back at him.
“You think?”
Eddie places a hand on Bobby’s shoulder, firm but soothing.
“I’ll tell him, anyway.”
Bobby sniffles, shifting forward to pull Eddie into a hug. Eddie holds tight, knowing they won’t have long now. He takes a deep breath, filling his senses with the man he misses with his entire being.
“I owe you my life, Bobby,” Eddie says.
“I owed you mine too, kid,” Bobby replies, and Eddie leans back, wiping his tears.
“What?”
“That day, you came by the house. Told me to take credit for the person you’ve become. I’d just come back from the store. I…I was going to drink,” he admits quietly. “But what you said, you made me realize that wasn’t what I needed, and I poured it down the drain.”
Eddie’s eyes widen in disbelief.
“Bobby, I…”
“You saved me, kid. Even if you didn’t know you were doing it. Now forgive yourself for the time you couldn’t.”
Eddie’s never been one to be particularly open with his emotions, he knows. He pats a back, clasps a hand on a shoulder, he’s the man of the house. Has been since he was just a boy. But Bobby has shown him, in life and in death, that there’s more to living than being a pillar of strength. There’s value in sharing how you feel. In embracing your emotions, however big or small they may seem.
It’s what makes it so easy now to say what he’d always struggled with before.
“Thank you, Bobby, for everything. I love you.”
“I love you too, Eddie,” he responds with ease.
“Are you going now?”
Bobby nods, and Eddie sees he’s already begun to fade away.
“Would you just…hug him for me, okay?” Bobby asks.
Eddie doesn’t need to ask who.
He knows.
⋆✴︎˚。⋆
For the second time tonight he’s left alone with nothing but the glow of the Christmas tree and the overwhelming whirlpool of his thoughts.
He sighs, slouching farther into the couch cushions, allowing his eyes to slip closed as his lack of sleep starts to catch up to him.
“What is he, asleep?” a voice whispers.
“Sure looks that way,” a second voice responds.
That’s new, Eddie thinks.
“Well we’d better wake him up!”
“Oh come on, we can’t let the boy rest a moment?”
“He can rest when he’s dead. I know I do.”
“Oh, good one.”
Eddie’s curiosity wins, and he pops one eye open. He’s surprised, this time, to be met by two figures he can’t say he recognizes.
“Hello,” he says slowly. “Can I help you?”
“Well, apparently not, but I think we can help you, son,” the taller man responds.
“Oh I’m almost certain we can,” the other adds.
The pair of them glow with a matching pink hue. Strangely, it kind of reminds Eddie of Buck’s lips. And his birthmark. And the tint of his cheeks when he blushes.
“Can I ask, sorry if this is rude but…who are you?"
“Oh how embarrassing he doesn’t remember us,” the taller one says.
“You don’t remember him either, Mitchell. You’ve never met,” the shorter one reminds.
“Well I would sure hope I was memorable enough for him to remember me.”
“He meets new people on the job every day, you can’t expect him to remember every single one.”
“I suppose not,” the taller one- Mitchell, concedes, as his partner turns back to Eddie.
“I’m Thomas, and this is my husband Mitchell. We died only minutes apart. Your team was on the scene.”
Eddie casts his mind back to a call, his first year with the 118, where a man had been crushed by his car and his husband died suddenly at his side mere minutes later.
“Right, yeah, I remember. I’m sorry we couldn’t save you, either of you.”
“I’m not!” Mitchell says. “All we ever wanted was to go together. If you had saved him and not me I would’ve been pissed!”
Thomas smacks him on the arm, but he’s smiling as he does it.
“So I assume you’re the ghosts of Christmas future then?” Eddie asks.
“Indeed! We’ve come to show you what your future holds if you don’t wake up and-“ Mitchell begins.
“Hey, hey, give the boy a chance to work it out on his own. He deserves it.” Thomas cuts in.
“And, uh, I have to ask again. We’re not going to fly through the sky, right?”
The two of them burst into fits of laughter, clutching each other’s arms.
“Ha! Fly through the sky! Imagine that!” Mitchell howls.
“That’d be a pretty picture!” Thomas adds.
“I mean…that’s what happens in the movie, so…” Eddie says, waiting as their laughter continues until they’re practically in tears. They certainly make the perfect pair.
“Ah, oh god, oh that got me!” Mitchell says, wiping at his eyes. Thomas straightens beside him, and they clasp hands.
“Alright, we ready, then?” Thomas asks.
“Um, sure, but-“
And Eddie doesn’t know where he is.
It’s a nice place, though. The three of them seem to stand outside some sort of event venue. A garland of white flowers is draped over the front door. People pass by in long flowy dresses and sharp suits. Eddie looks down at his grey sweats and black muscle tank and thanks the lord he can’t be seen.
“What is this?” Eddie asks.
“Why don’t you head on in and find out,” Thomas urges.
Eddie hesitates a moment, feeling rather uneasy, before heading up the steps and into the building.
Inside it’s even more beautiful. Large windows, donned with the same white flowers, let in the natural light of what seems to Eddie like a summer afternoon. He meanders farther into the place, noticing a large door at the back, opening out onto a lawn. White chairs are aligned in rows with a gap down the middle, facing a big flowered arch, covered in the same white flowers. However beautiful it may be, Eddie thinks it all seems quite plain.
“Is this a wedding?” Eddie asks, turning to see Mitchell and Thomas following behind him. Thomas gives him a simple nod, and Eddie faces back into the room.
There’s a bar at one end, a dance floor toward the middle, and several round tables all with white floral centrepieces. So many of the same flower, Eddie partly wishes he knew what they were called.
Buck would know.
“Who’s getting married?”
Thomas and Mitchell share a look, but don’t respond.
Eddie looks back outside and sees a group of people chatting on the lawn.
A group of people he recognizes, if they were ten, maybe fifteen years younger.
Hen and Karen, arms linked, outfits not quite matching but coordinated in similar shades of purple.
Maddie and Chimney, sharing a joyful look, the pair of them forever in their own little bubble.
Ravi and May, clinking their glasses together before taking sips of their drinks.
Buck and…
No.
There Buck stands, clad in a ridiculously handsome lavender suit, hand in hand, with-
“Tommy?” Eddie says, unable to help the damn near disgusted tone in his voice.
Buck and Tommy chat happily with Ravi and May, as if there's not a thing out of place here. As if the two of them attending a wedding together in the future isn't the most ridiculous thing Eddie has ever seen.
The more Eddie watches, the more he notices, and as Buck laughs at something Ravi has said, he lifts a hand to his mouth, and Eddie sees a ring. Eddie's right eye practically starts to twitch as he looks to Tommy's hand and, sure enough, there's a matching gold band.
So the good news is it's not their wedding, and the news that makes Eddie want to hurl is that it can't be their wedding because they're already married.
Eddie spins around to face Thomas and Mitchell.
“Whose wedding is this? Tell me,” Eddie insists.
“Just wait and-“
“No! No I don’t want to wait and see! This is…this is bullshit. He’s not here with him. He loves me.”
He sounds like a child that isn’t getting their way. Like a toddler being asked to share their favourite toy.
“He does,” Thomas agrees. “He loves you.”
“Then what’s he doing?” Eddie asks, gesturing frantically to the couple with their interlocked hands, matching smiles at whatever joke May just told.
“He loves you, but it’s not enough.”
“It’s not enough? Look, I just spent the past…I don’t know how long it was because time makes no sense anymore, accepting that he loves me- no, that he’s in love with me. You’re not just going to show up in my living room, laugh in my face, and tell me that’s not enough.”
“Eddie-“
“No. Tell me whose wedding this is, right now.”
“Excuse me, everyone! If you could all please your seats, the ceremony is about to begin!”
Eddie looks to the back door once more, and finds the voice coming from a man, maybe late twenties, dressed in a black suit with a white boutonniere pinned to his lapel. He’s taller, and he’s got facial hair, but Eddie recognizes him all the same.
Denny.
“Denny’s getting married?” Eddie can’t keep asking questions, he’s getting tired, agitated. Thankfully, however, this time he gets a proper response.
“He’s the best man,” Mitchell says, and he and Thomas move past Eddie, following the crowd down the back steps as people file into the seats.
“Best man? For wh-“ Eddie starts, stopping himself short as his attention is drawn to the arch at the end of the aisle.
He wondered where he’d been, and there he is.
He—Eddie—stands up at the front, adjusting the tie of the groom.
The groom, who Eddie recognizes, with a twinge of panic, as Christopher.
“Christopher,” Eddie breathes. “This is his wedding?”
Eddie watches in horror as Buck and Tommy take their seats near the middle of the section to the left of the aisle. It isn’t right. Buck should be up at the front, with Eddie. He should be right in the front row, with a tissue in case Christopher cries. He should’ve planned the whole wedding, for Christ’s sake.
“This isn’t right,” he exclaims, storming back inside. He soon finds himself behind the bar, pouring a shot of whatever was closest and downing it, slamming the glass back down to the counter. It burns down his throat, and he wonders if he can get drunk in this reality.
He plops himself onto a barstool as Thomas and Mitchell trail in after him.
“Just tell me how to fix it. Why isn’t it enough? Tell me, please,” Eddie begs.
“Son, listen,” Thomas starts, resting on the barstool next to Eddie’s. “I’m going to tell you something I once told your…friend, out there.”
Eddie nods eagerly.
“Love, true love…” He glances to Mitchell, who smiles, placing a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not something you just find. You can’t just stumble across a love like that. You have to make it. You work at it. It doesn’t come in a day.”
“Okay. I get that,” Eddie says.
“So it’s not enough for him to love you, if you won’t love him back.”
Eddie stares at Thomas, eyes wide.
“If I won’t…”
“In this future, the one we’re in now, you knew he loved you. You knew, but you didn’t do anything about it.”
“I- um…” Eddie can’t think, can hardly see straight. He’d accepted that Buck loves him. Agreed with Bobby that he was going to let him love him.
He hadn’t stopped for a moment to consider the other side of that.
“In this future,” Thomas continues, “he loved you as long as he could. He loved you until it broke him. Until he couldn’t take it anymore.”
“But…him?” Eddie can’t help but be stuck on that aspect of things.
Thomas shrugs. “He offered to love him back, the way you wouldn’t.”
“But I would,” Eddie states, before he realizes what he’s saying. “I do.”
“You do what, son?” Mitchell encourages.
“I love him.”
He can’t believe, with every revelation tonight, in all that’s been said, that he hadn’t known it sooner.
“Whatever void I may have left, you’ve had it filled for years. You just don’t even realize.”
“Maybe he seems softer because of how you feel about him.”
"There was something special there, between you, from the first day you met. That’s a rare thing, Eddie.”
“We’ve come to show you what your future holds if you don’t wake up and-“
Eddie is waking up, right now. He's seeing things more clearly than he ever has before.
In all these memories, in every vision, the moment Buck entered the room, his pulse quickened. The air escaped his lungs. His heart ached, a pang in his chest, longing to be closer to him.
He thinks, for a moment, and realizes it’s not just tonight. It’s every day. It’s waking up with Buck in bed beside him. It’s making coffee while Buck cooks breakfast in the kitchen they share. It’s driving to work with Buck while he fumbles with the radio. It’s every call at work, knowing he has Buck’s back, and Buck has his.
It’s in everything he does, everything he is.
It’s both the wildest and simplest truth he’s ever known.
“I’m in love with Buck.”
He sighs, looking up to see Thomas and Mitchell looking back with matching smiles, and he can’t help but smile back.
“I’m in love with Buck,” he repeats, feeling suddenly like a teenager with a crush.
“Yeah, you are, son,” Thomas nods, a look of relief of his face.
Eddie’s smile fades slightly as he remembers what’s going on outside.
“So, this future, it’s not set in stone, right? I can fix it?”
“You can,” Thomas says calmly.
“You’d better,” Mitchell chimes in, “because let me tell you, that guy out there is a real eyesore, and-“
“Mitchell!” Thomas yelps. Eddie can’t help the laugh that bursts out of him before he claps a hand over his mouth.
“Sorry, honey, I’m only speaking the truth. You’re the one who told me what a sweet boy Buck was. It’d be a shame to see him end up with-“
“Alright, alright, we get it,” Thomas says. “Eddie’s not going to let that happen, anyhow. Right, Eddie?”
The pair look at him expectantly, pink glow reflecting off Eddie’s glass.
“Right,” Eddie agrees. “I’m going to fix everything.”
“Good enough for me,” Mitchell says. “What do you think, sweetheart?”
“Yep, good enough for me too! Good luck, son!”
Suddenly they’re fading, much faster than the first two.
“Wait, I-“
⋆✴︎˚。⋆
Eddie’s back in bed.
“I didn’t get to say thank you,” he whispers into the dark.
“Hmm?” a hum sounds beside him, and he jumps, clutching his chest.
“Woah, hey, everything okay?” Buck asks, propping himself up on his elbow.
Even in the dark Eddie can make out the blue of Buck’s eyes, the pink of his lips. He could kiss him right now, confess his love, insist he stay and never leave.
“Uh, yeah. Everything’s good, just…weird dream,” is all he says.
“Alright,” Buck says, glancing over Eddie’s shoulder at the clock on the dresser. “Hey,” he beams up at him, and Eddie’s heart practically melts. “Merry Christmas!”
Eddie looks for himself, and sees it’s exactly midnight.
Turning back to Buck, he smiles thoughtfully, shaking his head.
“Merry Christmas, Buck.”
❄︎
Eddie has more restraint than he thought possible.
He watches Buck and Chris opening presents, opening a few himself, all the while thinking about how Buck loves him, and he loves Buck right back. The thought has burrowed into his brain and refuses to leave. Every time he and Buck so much as make eye contact he melts, love seeping from every pore. He's sure his facial expression is going to give him away, but if it has, Buck's not saying a word about it.
Eddie's shocked by the time he makes it to family dinner without confessing his love.
“Merry Christmas!” Maddie says as soon as she answers the door, ushering them inside before pulling Buck in for a hug.
The house looks the same as it did when Eddie saw it last night, but this time it’s filled with friends and family. Laughter backed by the sound of Christmas music meets Eddie’s ears, filling him with a sense of cheer.
“Merry Christmas, Mads,” Buck says, kissing the top of her head.
Eddie shuts the door behind them, Chris already joining Denny on the couch.
“Everybody like the gifts?” Buck asks.
“Oh yes, Jee hasn’t put those dolls down since she opened them this morning.” Eddie glances over at Jee and Mara, sat on the carpet, each holding a cute doll with a pretty stylish outfit.
“And Buck, seriously, that spa trip for me and Chim, you shouldn’t have-“
“Hey, no, you two deserve it. I’ll take the kids for the day, you guys go relax for once.”
Maddie squeezes him tighter. “Thank you,” she whispers, and he smiles so bright Eddie thinks it could light the whole room.
“I think Chim’s in the kitchen, if you want to come say hi. We're just dealing with some last minute dinner prep,” Maddie explains.
She heads for the kitchen, Buck and Eddie trailing behind her. As they round the couch, a few of the kids start pointing and giggling at them.
“Alright, guys, what’s so funny now?” Maddie says, hands on her hips.
“It happened again!” Mara laughs.
“Oh, um…” Maddie says, glancing nervously at Buck.
“You have to do it!” Denny says, and Eddie’s confused for a moment before he remembers what he saw yesterday.
“Kiss! Kiss!” Jee shouts, pointing to the ceiling above their heads. Specifically, above Buck and Eddie.
Maddie steps closer to Buck. “Buck, I’m sorry. We made Hen and Karen do it earlier and the kids really took it ran with it. They’re catching everyone who walks by.”
Eddie’s palms are sweating, heat rising to his cheeks.
“Um, listen, guys, me and Eddie don’t-“
Before Eddie can stop himself, he leans in to press a soft kiss to Buck’s cheek. He hears Buck’s breath hitch just before he pulls away.
“Good enough?” Eddie asks the crowd. Jee is beaming, Mara can’t contain her giggles, and Christopher just looks like a kid embarrassed by their dad.
“Good enough!” Denny declares with a smile.
Eddie pats Buck’s shoulder as he heads for the kitchen, leaving Buck dumbfounded, he and Maddie exchanging wide-eyed glances. Eddie does his best to keep his emotions in check but he can't stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss Buck's lips instead.
“Hey, Eddie!” Chimney says, rounding the island to give Eddie a hug. “Merry Christmas, man!”
“You too, Chim," Eddie says, snapping out of it.
Just as Chimney steps away someone hugs Eddie from behind, and he lifts an arm to see Hen’s smiling face. She’s wearing big gold hoops that match the gold frames of her glasses, and a Santa hat perches precariously on her head.
“Well hello to you too,” Eddie jokes, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as she tucks herself into his side.
“Don’t mind her,” Karen says, patting Eddie on the shoulder at she wanders in after her wife. “Chim got her this fancy wine and insisted she try it when we got here. I think it was a little too good.”
Eddie notices the wine glass in Hen’s hand and chuckles, rubbing her arm gently.
“Hey, only the best for our Captain!” Chimney says, holding a glass out to Hen who raises hers in response.
“Eddie, heard you and Buck got caught under the mistletoe,” Hen says, waggling her eyebrows.
“Wait, what? You and Buck?” Chimney asks, a little too excitedly.
“We didn’t kiss,” Eddie says before Chimney gets ahead of himself.
“Damn, the kids let you get away with that?” Karen asks. "They've been pretty relentless."
“Well we didn’t actually kiss. I just kissed him on the cheek,” Eddie says, keeping his tone as casual as possible.
“And he’s still standing?” Hen says, glancing back to where Buck and Maddie are now deep in conversation. Eddie wonders if they’re talking about him. The thought practically makes him giddy.
“Someone’s gotta take that mistletoe down.” The group turns to see May entering the kitchen. “I just had to kiss my girlfriend in front of my mom.”
Hen throws her head back with laughter as Karen says, “You brought her?”
“Yeah, she’s over there.” All pairs of eyes follow May’s gesture to the dining room, where Athena and Ravi sit with a girl around May’s age. She’s got long dark hair, brown skin, and deep brown eyes.
“Oh she’s cute!” Karen says, and May turns to see them all staring.
“Guys! Don’t be weird!”
“Oh of course not,” Hen says, mischief glinting in her eyes. “I think I’m just going to go talk to Athena for a second.”
“Hen!” May whines.
“You know what, babe, I think I’ll join you,” Karen says, winking at Eddie, the pair of them heading for the dining room as May covers her face with her hands.
“Oh my god,” she groans.
“I’m going to see if the kids want any more snacks. Be right back,” Chimney says, grabbing a plate of cookies off the counter. Eddie recognizes them as ones Buck baked. Cut into the shapes of little snowflakes and stockings, decorated in red, white, and green icing. When he had the time to make cookies and cupcakes, Eddie has no idea.
May leans on the counter with a sigh, resting her chin in her palm.
“You good?” Eddie asks, standing opposite her.
She looks up, glancing at the group now practically surrounding her girlfriend before looking back to Eddie.
“Yeah, all good. It’s just a little scary, bringing someone new around, you know? Like, she told me she can handle herself, and not to worry and everything, but I just don’t want to scare her off.”
Eddie nods thoughtfully. He isn’t exactly experienced in this department, frankly dreading the day when Chris starts bringing girls to family dinner, but he feels for her.
“You two been together long?” he asks.
“Just a few months. Kind of feels like longer, though. We met 'cause she was in one of my classes, and we just clicked, immediately. After the first few times we hung out she asked if we could go on a proper date and I didn't even think twice. I’d never dated a girl, never even considered it, but she just gets me so well."
Eddie can’t help but look over at Buck, still in the living room with Maddie. To his surprise, Buck is looking right back.
The second their eyes meet Eddie’s filled with this warmth, all over, like he’s being wrapped in a blanket of love. His heart can hardly take it when Buck shoots him a little smile, that familiar sparkle in his eyes making Eddie weak in the knees.
“Eddie?”
He shakes his head, directing his attention back to May, who’s now glancing back and forth between Buck and Eddie.
“You relating a little too well to me right now or…?” she says, crossing her arms.
“What?” Eddie says, wringing his hands together nervously.
“I'm just observing.”
“Observing what?”
“The way you and Buck look at each other.”
Eddie feels his face turning red, can’t help the way his eyes flick back to Buck briefly.
“It’s alright, you know,” May says. Eddie raises his brows in question. “It’s alright if the two of you are…everyone would be happy for you.”
Eddie nods slowly, a sense of panic starting to set in. He hadn’t considered the implications of everyone knowing. If they know he's in love with Buck, then they’ll also know he’s…
He frowns.
He's not sure what he is, actually.
“Are you, um…sorry, I don’t know if this is offensive,” Eddie starts.
“Ask away,” May says.
“Are you, like, only into girls, now?”
May laughs for a second, before noticing the serious look on Eddie’s face.
“Uh, yeah, actually. I think, since being with Anika, I’ve realized I never felt the way I feel with her when I was with guys. I think I dated guys because it just seemed like that’s what I was supposed to do. But, being with her, I feel more like myself. It just feels right.”
Eddie nods, praying the tears pricking his eyes won’t fall.
“Do you…feel like that with Buck?” May asks carefully, looking around to make sure no one’s hearing their conversation.
“Yeah,” Eddie admits, both to her and to himself. “Yeah, I do.”
A soft smile graces her lips. “Does he know that?”
Eddie shakes his head. “No, not yet.”
“But you’re going to tell him?”
Eddie’s eyes wander back to Buck, now chatting with Hen, Chimney, and Ravi. He throws his head back, clutching his chest and leaning on Hen as the four of them dissolve into fits of laughter. He’s not a ghost, he’s right here, more alive than ever. And yet, in Eddie’s eyes, he’s glowing. He shines so brightly Eddie nearly has to look away.
There’s not a doubt in his mind or his heart that he loves Buck. He loves him more than he even knew possible. He loves him utterly, completely, with every bone in his body.
He knows what the missing piece has been all along, and all he has to do is put it in place.
“Yeah. I’m going to tell him.”
❄︎
Chris goes straight to his room when they get home from Maddie and Chim’s, explaining some plan he had with his friends to play games when they were all done with family dinners. Eddie reminds him not to stay up too late before planting a kiss in his curls and sending him off down the hall.
Buck wanders into the kitchen and Eddie follows.
“You want a beer?” Buck asks as he opens the fridge.
“Do we even have any?” Eddie asks.
“Uh,” Buck says, dragging out the word as he searches through the fridge. “Actually, no.” He shuts the door, straightening up with a laugh. “Damn, we need to stock this thing.”
Eddie’s reminded of Bobby, having said almost the exact same thing, and he remembers something else.
He crosses the room in seconds, pulling Buck in for a tight hug. Buck gasps, frozen for a moment before wrapping his arms around Eddie’s back and holding him close. Eddie runs a hand up and down Buck’s back softly, their breaths syncing.
“Hey, um, not complaining but, what’s this for?” Buck asks after they've stood there for a while. Eddie realizes in the moment that he can probably count the number of times they’ve hugged on his fingers. Nearly eight years they’ve known each other, it seems so absurd.
He doesn’t want to make Buck sad, and doesn’t think ‘Bobby asked me to give you this’ could go without explanation, so he opts for something simpler.
“Just wanted to.”
It’s not the whole truth, but it’s far from a lie. He’d hold Buck like this for the rest of his life if he could.
“Okay,” Buck says, and Eddie feels him bury his face deeper into the crook of his neck.
He’s not sure how long they stay like that, holding each other, the room silent but for the hum of the fridge beside them.
Eventually, Buck pulls back, just far enough to look Eddie in the eye.
“I have to ask you something.”
Eddie nods, urging him to go on.
“I, uh, didn’t really want to do it now, but I sort of promised Chris. Pinky promised, actually, so I kind of have to honour that.”
Eddie loves him so much his heart could burst.
“Okay, what is it?” Eddie asks, even though he already knows.
“M-maybe we should sit?” Buck suggests, gesturing to the living room.
“Sure,” Eddie says, finding Buck’s needless nerves to be quite adorable.
When they settle on the couch, Buck shifts ever so slightly so their knees are pressed together, and Eddie’s taken back to that day by the fountain. He allows himself to lean into the touch. Allows himself to enjoy it as much as he really does.
“So, um, I haven’t exactly been looking for apartments lately,” Buck starts, now avoiding any eye contact with Eddie.
“Right.”
“And, well, I sort of don’t want to.”
“Okay.” Eddie schools his expression, a smile threatening it’s way onto his face.
“And I was wondering…um, I just…I really like living here. With you and Chris.” Buck’s staring at his hands, fidgeting with a loose thread on his pants. “And it feels like things have been working well, so I was just wondering…” He trails off, and Eddie knows he’s relying on him to finish the thought.
“You can stay,” Eddie says easily, and Buck looks up at him, big blue eyes wide.
“I can?”
“Of course, Buck. I love having you here. We love having you here,” Eddie says, sincerity dripping from every word.
Relief washes over Buck’s face as he lets out the breath he was holding.
“Did you think I’d say no?” Eddie asks.
“I mean, kind of, yeah,” Buck admits.
“Why would I do that?”
“Well, most people don’t just share their house—and-and their bed—with their best friend, so-“
“Buck,” Eddie interrupts, settling a hand on Buck’s thigh. Buck’s eyes fix on the new point of contact, and Eddie can see the shock on his face as he sits there frozen, afraid to move a muscle.
“Buck, I’m not just sharing my house and my bed.” Eddie brushes his thumb back and forth along the smooth fabric of Buck’s trousers. “I’m sharing my life with you.”
Buck looks up now, an expression of both confusion and hope on his face. It reminds Eddie of the day in the hospital when he told Buck he had put him in his will. When he’d shared his son, his whole world, with him.
When Buck doesn’t speak, Eddie continues.
“The truth is, I’ve been sharing my life with you for so much longer than I realized. You’ve been one of the biggest constants in my life. Whatever happens, and, fuck a lot of crazy shit has happened, you’ve always been there. You get me through anything. And I’d like to think I do the same for you.”
“You do,” Buck says quietly, his eyes getting watery.
“I want you to stay because I love having you here. I love waking up next to you, and falling asleep to the sound of your snoring.” Buck lets out a laugh, wiping his eyes. “I love driving to work with you and coming home together at the end of the day. I love watching tv with you, eating dinner with you, getting groceries with you. I want to be around you all the time. I want to do everything with you, because I-“
Eddie stops himself just as Buck’s breath hitches.
He stares into Buck’s eyes, deep oceans of blue staring back at him, and dives right in.
“Because I love you.”
Buck stares back, eyelids fluttering as he inhales sharply.
“You-you love me.”
It’s not said as a question, but Eddie still responds with an answer.
“Yes. Buck, I’m so in love with you I can hardly bear it.”
“Eddie,” Buck sighs desperately. Eddie goes to pull his hand back but Buck catches it in his own. Eddie’s heart pounds in his chest, beating so fast he thinks it might just stop.
“Are you-“ Eddie starts.
And Buck is kissing him.
One hand on the back of Eddie’s neck, the other clutching his waist, Buck pulls Eddie as close as he can, crashing their lips together. Eddie responds immediately, grasping at the front of Buck’s shirt, trying impossibly to get even closer. Their mouths move in perfect harmony, the kiss effortless from the moment it begins. The feeling of Buck's hands roving over him makes Eddie's mind go hazy, and all he wants is more.
Without a second thought he swings a leg over to straddle Buck, eliciting a soft moan from the back of his throat. Eddie grins into the kiss, their teeth clashing as Buck runs his hands along Eddie’s back. Eddie’s fingers wind into the hair at the nape of Buck’s neck, tangling into his curls and scratching along his scalp. Buck swipes his tongue across Eddie’s bottom lip and Eddie tugs on his hair, their tongues meeting in the middle, deepening the kiss.
Buck shifts his hips, pressing up, and Eddie grinds down in response.
“Fuck,” Buck gasps against Eddie's lips, and Eddie moves to mouth along Buck’s jaw, nibbling his earlobe before attaching his lips to the side of his neck. He sucks a mark just beneath his ear, biting down into the skin before soothing it with his tongue. As he does, he snakes a hand down Buck’s torso, palming at the front of his pants.
“Jesus, Eddie,” Buck moans, his hips pitching up into Eddie’s touch. “We can’t do this on the couch.”
“Do what?” Eddie says, sitting back and looking at Buck with feigned innocence. Buck raises his brows in an expression Eddie reads as Oh that's how we're playing it?
“Alright,” Buck says before wrapping one firm arm around Eddie’s torso and standing up, taking Eddie with him.
“Oh my god,” Eddie gasps, wrapping his arms around Buck’s neck and locking his ankles behind his back. Buck smiles up at him, clearly proud of himself.
“Never been picked up like that, huh?” He’s so smug Eddie’s going to lose his mind.
“Can't say I have,” Eddie says before capturing Buck’s lips once more. Buck hums in response, blindly making his way around the coffee table.
“Wait, fuck,” Eddie says, breaking the kiss suddenly, stopping Buck in his tracks.
“What?”
“Is Chris’ door closed?” Eddie whispers. Buck cranes his neck, looking down the hall behind Eddie before catching his eye with a smirk.
“Yep,” he says.
“Okay, uh, just walk fast,” Eddie says.
Buck loosens his grip slightly. “Should I just-“
“Do not put me down,” Eddie insists, wrapping his legs tighter around Buck’s waist.
Buck cocks a brow. “Oh, okay then.” He swiftly walks them down the hall and into their room, pressing Eddie against the door as soon as it's shut behind them.
“Ah,” Eddie moans happily and Buck leans up to kiss him. Buck’s hands slide beneath the hem of Eddie’s shirt, dragging teasingly along his sides. The air around them feels charged, every touch like a current of electricity running out Buck’s fingertips and into Eddie’s veins. Eddie writhes against the door as Buck presses closer. They kiss sloppily, all tongues and teeth, Eddie biting at Buck’s bottom lip hungrily.
“Bed. Now.” Eddie orders, losing his patience.
“Yes,” Buck says breathily, turning around to drop Eddie on the mattress.
Eddie looks up at Buck as he crawls over top of him and it makes his head spin. He’s so big. Buck's eyes rove down Eddie’s body and he licks his lips before grabbing at the bottom of Eddie’s shirt.
“Can I?” he asks.
“Please,” Eddie begs, and Buck yanks the shirt over his head, tossing it across the room. Buck sits back on his heels, staring at the sight before him. Eddie’s not sure where his sudden burst of confidence comes from when he says,
“Like what you see?”
“Love it,” Buck answers in an instant, still staring.
“Keep going,” Eddie urges, and Buck tilts his head. Eddie glances down to his pants, and Buck takes the hint, moving forward to fumble with Eddie’s zipper. He brushes the band of Eddie’s boxers, looking to him for permission, and Eddie nods.
Eddie’s pants and boxers join his shirt on the floor before Buck adds his own shirt to the mix.
“Mm,” Eddie keens, biting his lip as his eyes roam across Buck’s torso. He wants nothing more in this moment than to sink his teeth into Buck’s chest.
Without taking his eyes off Eddie, Buck stands from the bed to unbuckle his pants and tug them off, taking his briefs with them.
And, okay, maybe there’s one thing he wants more.
“Like what you see?” Buck says, smug look back on his face.
“Just come here, idiot,” Eddie says with a roll of his eyes. Buck laughs, joining him on the bed once again. He settles his knees on either side of Eddie’s hips, hands bracketing his head. Without warning, he drops his weight onto him, grinding down in a slow drag that knocks the air from Eddie’s lungs.
“F-fuck,” Eddie gasps, grasping for Buck’s waist as a wave of pleasure shoots up his spine.
Buck pauses all too soon, Eddie's hips chasing his as he lifts himself back up. He sets a hand on the side of Eddie's face, looking down at him like he's the most precious thing in the world.
“Hey, I…I’m assuming you’ve never…”
Eddie shakes his head, breathless. “I haven’t.” He rubs gentle circles into Buck's hips with his fingers.
“We can take it slow, if you want. Whatever you want,” Buck says.
Eddie knows what he wants. He wants Buck, plain and simple.
Eddie hooks one leg around Buck, flipping them over so he’s straddling him. Buck’s back hits the mattress and he gazes up at Eddie, eyes wide and wild.
“Oh that was smooth, Diaz.”
“You never call me Diaz,” Eddie argues, though he’s feeling a little giddy at the prospect of impressing Buck in bed.
“Oh, I’m sorry. That was smooth, baby.” Buck grins, sliding his hands up Eddie’s thighs and pressing his fingers into the flesh at Eddie’s waist.
Eddie lets out a whine, rolling his hips.
“You like that? Me calling you baby?” Buck asks, pressing his hips up and increasing the friction between them.
“Mhm,” Eddie hums, leaning down to place a wet kiss on Buck’s chest before trailing his lips up to his neck. He kisses over the mark he’d left beneath Buck's ear before finally finding his way to his lips. Buck kisses back with fervour, his hands sliding to Eddie’s ass.
Eddie continues to rock his hips, their cocks gliding together with tantalizing friction, and Buck lets out a string of curses and moans beneath him. Eddie’s never been so turned on in his life, tension building within him like a rope about to snap.
“Want you to come just like this,” Eddie says against Buck’s lips.
“Mmm,” is all Eddie gets in response, Buck's kisses becoming sloppier as Eddie's motions pick up speed.
The steady rhythm Eddie’s set is thrown when Buck props himself up on his elbows, reaching down to take both of them in one hand.
“Shit,” Eddie swears, dropping his forehead to Buck’s shoulder. Buck takes control, twisting his wrist in a way that has Eddie seeing stars. He’s not going to last long.
As if reading his mind, Buck whispers in Eddie’s ear, “Just let go, baby. Let go.”
His words send Eddie hurtling over the edge, biting into Buck’s skin to stifle his moans as he comes undone. His whole body shudders, thrusting aimlessly into Buck’s hand.
“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck groans, following close behind, the pair of them breathing heavily as their motions slow to a stop. Buck snakes his arms around Eddie’s waist, holding him tight as he collapses on top of him.
“Oh my god,” Eddie says, tucking his face into the crook of Buck’s neck.
“Good?” Buck asks, tracing imaginary patterns up and down Eddie’s back.
“You’re perfect,” Eddie says, placing a few lazy kisses just above Buck’s collarbone.
Buck hums happily, and the pair of them lay there in silence, save for the sound of their breathing, until Buck speaks up.
“Hey, Eddie?” Buck says.
Eddie lifts his head to look in Buck’s eyes, bringing a hand up to brush his thumb softly across Buck’s birthmark.
“Yeah?”
Buck’s gaze roams around Eddie’s face before settling on his eyes.
“I’m in love with you, too.”
Of course, this Eddie knew, but that doesn’t stop his heart from skipping a beat.
“You are,” Eddie states plainly. He leans in to place a sweet kiss to Buck’s pink lips.
“So are we…?” Buck begins.
“Partners,” Eddie finishes. “In work and in life. If you want.”
Buck’s face breaks into a wide smile.
“I want.”
❄︎
The morning after Christmas, Eddie wakes to the sound of Buck’s voice in his ear.
“Eddie. Hey, Eddie, wake up.”
“Mmph,” Eddie groans into his pillow.
“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty,” Buck says, running a hand through Eddie’s hair. “Don’t want to be late for work.”
Eddie cracks an eye open, turning his head to see Buck crouched next to the bed.
“What time is it?” Eddie says, craning his neck to look at the clock. Buck grabs it, flipping it face down before Eddie gets a chance to see.
“Time to get up!” Buck says.
“You suck,” Eddie says.
Buck tilts his chin up, leaning down to kiss him sweetly, reminding Eddie that the happenings of the previous night were certainly not a dream.
“How about now?” Buck asks, and Eddie can’t help but smile, pulling him in for another kiss.
“You suck a little less,” Eddie says as Buck pulls away, walking backward toward the door.
“I could suck a little more after shift, if you don’t make us late,” Buck says, wiggling his brows.
“Buck,” Eddie says, hiding his face in his pillow.
“Get up!” Buck shouts with a smile, shutting the door behind him.
Eddie allows himself a few more minutes before dragging himself out of bed. Once he’s dressed, he wanders into the kitchen to find Buck pouring coffee.
Lit by the morning light, Buck’s glowing again, a soft warm orange that dances across his skin. It's so right, him standing there like that. He's exactly where he belongs, where he's always belonged, and Eddie’s heart aches with just how deeply he loves him.
“Chris not up yet?” Eddie asks, padding over to lean on the counter next to Buck.
“Nope.” Buck holds out a mug which Eddie accepts gratefully. He doesn't have to ask how it's made, knowing Buck can get his coffee perfect every single time.
“Alright, well, I guess I’ll just check on him before we go.”
“Which is going to need to be, like, now. You’d have time for a proper breakfast if you got up earlier, but-“
“Well who kept me up yapping all night?” Eddie asks, setting the mug on the counter and crossing his arms.
“Oh you love my yapping,” Buck says, stepping toward him with a sly smile. Eddie tries to keep a straight face as Buck slings his arms around his neck. “Don’t you?”
Eddie rolls his eyes, instinctively setting his hands on Buck's hips as Buck sways them gently together.
“Come on, Eddie, say you love my yapping.”
Despite his best efforts, a smile breaks across Eddie’s face.
“You’re so annoying,” he says, but the words are meaningless when paired with his adoring expression.
“And?” Buck urges. Eddie laughs, tipping his head back before bringing his gaze back to Buck’s.
“And,” he says, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist. “I love your yapping.”
Buck smiles gleefully, resting his hands on the back of Eddie’s neck.
“Um…guys?”
Eddie practically leaps away from Buck, turning to where Chris stands in the doorway, suspicion all over his face as his eyes shift back and forth between the two of them.
“Chris! Hey!” Buck says immediately. “H-how are you?”
“Good,” Chris says slowly, narrowing his eyes. “Are you guys-“
“Good! Great, actually,” Buck continues. “I’m just gonna, uh, get in the car.” Buck grabs a few things off the counter frantically. “I’ll meet you outside?” he says, looking to Eddie.
“Uh, okay, sure,” Eddie says, and Buck’s out of the room in seconds.
As soon as the door shuts behind him, Eddie turns slowly to face his son.
He and Buck had talked at length about telling Chris they were together—one of the topics keeping them up so late last night. They’d agreed that Eddie would have a one-on-one with Chris before the three of them sat down and talked together.
Even while Buck slept Eddie had laid awake planning everything he was going to say to make sure Chris was okay with the slight change in their family dynamic. He knew not much would be different, Buck having lived with them for months now, and neither of them would change the way they acted around Christopher, but he was still worried how his son may react. At least, with a bit of a plan, that worry could be tamped down.
Unfortunately for him, any semblance of a plan Eddie had went out the window the moment Chris entered the kitchen.
“That was weird,” Chris says before Eddie has time to think of what to say.
“Yep. Yes it was.”
“Did he…take a loaf of bread?” Chris asks. Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Yes. He did.”
There’s a pause, and Eddie wishes for just a moment that he could disappear off the face of the earth.
Where are those ghosts when you need them?
“Dad?”
“Uh huh?” Eddie says.
“Can you open your eyes?”
Eddie does so, lowering his hand slowly.
“Were you…are you guys dating?” Chris asks, brows raised in question.
“We…could be, yeah.” Eddie says, practically shaking with nerves.
“Okay…” Chris says, seemingly hesitant about it all.
“Unless, you know, if you’re not okay with it, we don’t have to be.”
“What?”
Eddie finally finds his footing, remembering some of the things he'd prepared in his head.
“I’d understand, with everything that happened this last year, if you didn’t want me dating anyone right now.” Eddie moves closer to Chris carefully. “But I want you to know, what I have with Buck, it’s different than anything I’ve ever had with anyone else.”
Chris nods, directing his eyes to the floor. Despite everything in him yelling not to push it, Eddie continues.
“I know, in the past, I’ve brought women into your life, and then they’ve left. And that’s always been my fault. I didn’t…” Eddie’s voice cracks, his throat constricting as he holds back tears. “I didn’t know, before, why I couldn’t make it work, with them. But I know now.”
Eddie blinks back his tears, looking up at the ceiling before looking back to his son.
“I’m gay.”
Finally, Chris looks up to meet his eyes.
“This, with Buck, it isn’t something I’m just jumping into, and it’s not the kind of thing I take lightly, believe me. I know how important he is to you, and I’d never do something to jeopardize that.” Eddie sets a hand on Chris’ shoulder. “Really, Chris. I wouldn’t get into anything with him if I wasn’t sure. But, I won’t do this if you don’t want me to. Buck would understand. We both would.”
And Eddie would understand, completely. Even if he also knows it would kill him inside.
Chris chews on his lip for a moment, and Eddie holds his breath.
“You’re sure?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper.
“Yes.”
Chris nods.
“Okay.”
Eddie exhales.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay with it.”
“Are you sure?” Eddie asks.
“He’s staying, right? He asked you if he could?” Chris asks. The corners of Eddie's mouth pull up into a tentative smile.
“Yeah, he asked.”
“Good, ‘cause he pinky promised he would.”
Eddie pulls Chris into a gentle hug, resting his chin on the top of his head.
“I love you so much,” he says, relief flooding through him as Chris wraps his arms around him, squeezing him tighter.
“I love you too, dad.”
They stand in silence for a while before Chris clears his throat.
“Um, dad?”
“Yeah, buddy?” Eddie says.
“You’re gonna be so late for work.”
❄︎
When Buck and Eddie finally get to the station the pair of them jog inside, making a beeline for the locker room.
Before they can get there, Hen steps out from behind one of the rigs, stopping them in their tracks.
“Well well well,” she says, crossing her arms. “Fancy seeing you two here! I was wondering if you were going to grace us with your presence.” She's putting on a dramatic voice, sounding a little like a character out of some old period piece. Eddie has to hold back his laughter.
“We’re like, ten minutes late, Hen,” Buck says, shrugging his bag further onto his shoulder.
“More like twelve,” Hen argues, voice back to normal. “And is that really how you talk to your Captain?”
Buck rolls his eyes with a smile.
“Sorry, Cap, we just had a few things to take care of,” he says.
“Things that were more important than showing up for shift on time?” Chimney says, rounding the corner of the rig and appearing at Hen’s side.
“Sorry were you…hiding this whole time so you could make a dramatic entrance?” Eddie asks. Chimney falters for a second, glancing at Hen.
“…No. Don’t change the subject!” Chimney says, pointing a finger at Eddie. “You two are notoriously on time, and we all know Buck hates being late. What things could you have possibly been doing?”
And Eddie knows the pair are just teasing them, but he glances to Buck, who offers a gentle nod his way, and he decides now is a perfect time as any.
“We…I had to tell Chris that Buck and I are together.”
The pair’s eyes widen, Chimney grasping frantically for Hen’s arm.
“Together, as in…?” Hen says, looking pointedly at Buck.
“As in we’re a couple,” Buck replies, proud smile on his face. Eddie turns his head, looking at him like he hung the moon. He bumps their shoulders together, and Buck’s smile only grows.
“Holy shit!” Chimney shouts.
“You’re serious? This isn’t a joke?” Hen asks hesitantly.
“Dead serious,” Eddie says, unable to tear his eyes from Buck’s beautiful face.
“Oh god, look at them,” Hen says. “Day one and they’re already like that.”
"Well when you've been pining as long and as pathetically as Buck has-" Chim starts.
“Hey!” Buck says. "I-I was not being pathetic!"
“Please, Buck. Getting with Eddie was practically your one and only Christmas wish,” Chimney says, earning a slap on the arm from Hen.
“Chim!” she says.
Eddie cocks a brow, shooting Buck a smug look.
“Your Christmas wish, huh?” he says, watching in pure amusement as Buck’s cheeks turn pink. He glares at Chimney before turning to Eddie.
“Alright, let's not get carried away. I didn’t write a letter to Santa, or anything,” he says with a roll of his eyes.
“Aw, you didn’t?” Eddie says with an exaggerated pout. “Well then I guess you’re not going to get it.”
“I’m pretty sure I already got it,” Buck says, stepping closer to Eddie as he goes from embarrassed to cocky in the blink of an eye. Eddie’s face flushes, eyes widening.
“And I’m out,” Chimney says, rushing away.
“I’ll go get the paperwork,” Hen says, shaking her head.
Buck tips his head back with a laugh, and Eddie wants to kiss that smug smile off his face.
“Come on,” Eddie says, nodding toward the locker room.
As they both finish getting ready, Eddie turns to Buck, a question lingering at the back of his mind.
“Hey, can I ask you something weird, and you just answer honestly, don’t question it?”
“Anything,” Buck says without hesitation.
Eddie shuts his locker.
“If you were planning Chris’ wedding, what colour flowers would you use?”
Buck frowns, understandably surprised, and Eddie's sure his head is full of questions.
“Can I ask a follow up? Is that allowed?”
Eddie smiles softly. “Sure.”
“Are we talking like, centrepieces? Either side of the aisle? Bride's bouquet?”
Eddie loves him for needing the clarification.
“Uh, let’s say centrepieces.”
Buck nods, looking to the floor and pondering for a moment before snapping his fingers, meeting Eddie’s eyes with a smile.
“Okay, one time, Chris and I were at the zoo, and there were these bright orange flowers along the path, and he pointed them out. He really liked them, and said he needed to know what they were called. They were Birds of Paradise.”
Eddie smiles, faintly recalling Chris handing him a drawing, orange and blue flowers littering the page, and insisting it be given to Buck.
It was nearly five years ago.
“I knew what they were, but we looked them up anyway, and they’re actually the official flower of LA. They also represent joy, and excitement, and love. Other things too, but I think that’d be perfect for a wedding, right? That’s like, one of the most joyous days of your life. And…and the official flower of LA is nice, too because that’s his home. So, no matter where he might choose to get married, he’d have a piece of home with him.”
Eddie’s so ridiculously infatuated that he doesn’t even know what to do about it.
“D-does that answer your question?” Buck says cautiously. Eddie nods, stepping closer.
“Perfectly.”
“Okay.” Buck smiles.
“I’m so in love with you,” Eddie blurts.
And it’s not some scary thing. It’s not something that makes his chest feel tight, his palms sweaty. Normally, the thought that he might be in love with someone—spending the rest of his life with someone—makes him panic. Fills him with a sense of dread. But right now it only fills him with warmth, makes his skin tingle. It's the kind of thing that makes him grateful to have ended up where he is, right now, because he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than wherever Buck is too. Gazing into Buck’s eyes and uttering those words, he’s the calmest he’s ever been in his life.
Buck’s eyes flutter, and he smiles like it's the best thing he’s ever heard.
“Eddie, you have no idea."
But he does. He knows Buck feels the same. There's not a bone in his body that doubts he loves him as deeply and as fiercely as he possibly can.
Eddie wants to pull Buck toward him, to kiss him sweetly, but he looks out at the others moving about the station and knows it’s not the time. He can see Buck fighting with the same thoughts before his face lights up, an idea sparking behind his eyes.
Buck holds up a fist between them, a gesture he’s done a million times but, suddenly, it takes on a whole new meaning.
Eddie shakes his head with a smile, knocking their fists together, and that last missing piece of the puzzle clicks effortlessly into place.