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Karkat had a secret.
He was flushed redder than his freak blood for his dancestor, Kankri Vantas.
This led him to sit through more than one lecture that he didn't actually want to listen to just for the sake of being close to the troll he'd bonded with after a while. The thing about Kankri was, he had a nice voice to listen to, but the monotone he spoke in and the subject matter he was discussing often made his speeches very dull to anyone subjected to them.
Karkat, being Karkat, often ended up on the wrong side of these lectures due to the sheer coarseness if his personality. He'd been listening to his dancestor talk about how he shouldn't use the word crazy to describe Gamzee due to the fact that it could trigger someone.
By this point, he was getting really sick of Kankri's ranting, and even more sick of hiding his feelings, so Karkat did the most Idiotic thing his think pan could possibly have come up with ever in the history of timelines. He stepped forward, closing the distance between himself and his dancestor. Kankri's eyes opened and he was about to ask Karkat what he was doing, but then he found his lips occupied by Karkat's slightly chapped ones.
Wait.
What?
Kankri froze in shock and Karkat pulled back quickly, suddenly processing what he had done. "Sh-Shit, Kankri--I--I'm sorry, I--" He stepped backwards, stumbling a bit, then hit the door. His hand scrabbled for the doorknob, his eyes round in shock, regret, and--fear? "Karkat--"
"I'm sorry!" Karkat shouted, his eyes squeezing shut. He found the knob and ripped the door open, bolting out. Kankri snapped out of his daze and chased after him. "Karkat, wait! I believe you owe me some sort of explanation for your behavior!" He lunged forward, grabbing Karkat's arm and jerking him to a halt. Karkat turned to look at him and Kankri's remembered heartbeat stopped when he saw the look in Karkat's eyes. Red tinted tears filled the gray-red orbs, an expression of fear and pain showing in them.
But then his form was fading and Kankri's hand moved straight through his descendant's arm, causing him to stumble. Then Karkat was gone and Kankri was alone.
Back on the meteor, Karkat jolted awake in his human bed, flying up into a sitting position with his blood pusher pounding against his rib cage. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god, what had he done?! What the actual fuck had he been thinking!? Oh that's right, he fucking wasn't. If he had, he wouldn't have risked the relationship he had with quite possibly the only fucking troll in the fucking universe who could even possibly understand the way he feels about his ugly mutant blood.
Of course, Kankri never had to hide his thanks to Beforus' softer culture, but that didn't mean his mutant blood was just up and accepted. Kankri had told him about it. He'd said that while no one tried to kill him or anything of the sort, he'd been treated as the lowest of the low, trolls sometimes going so far as to spit on or throw things at him. Kankri hadn't told anyone else just how badly his treatment had gotten, and Karkat had reciprocated by informing Kankri of what his life of constant hiding had been like. They'd gone to each other when upset or frustrated, and they'd formed a sort of moiraillegiance, but less actual pale feelings and more like they occasionally vented to each other.
Karkat had thrown that relationship right out the fucking window on the whim of the flushed feelings he'd been hiding for fucking ever. A brief moment of lapse in self control had ruined what he'd managed to build up with the troll he'd at first found annoying, then found less annoying (most of the time) and more comforting.
He'd swallowed thickly, tears stinging his eyes. He knew Kankri wouldn't hate him for what he'd done (though the fear that he would was still there), though he knew Kankri would lecture him on personal boundaries and everything would be awkward with them now that Karkat had fucking kissed his dancestor. He hated himself for throwing that away.
He wiped the hideous red liquid out of his eyes and got up, grabbing his sickle from his strife specibi, then headed into the bathroom.
It wasn't like anyone would find the blood stained towels he used to clean himself up later, or notice the new and old scars marring his body under his sweater. It was the one thing he'd never told Kankri.
Sometimes he just needed to see himself bleed, and this was one of those times. He would drag his sickle across his chest, his arms, his legs, any part of him that would be covered by his clothing. Any time a scar was noticed, he would blame it on his Alternian upbringing. Anyone who hadn't seen the marks his sickles usually made wouldn't know the difference between the thick, deep cuts made by the blades from some violent lusus or even an imp.
He forced the thoughts away as he took of his shirt and let his disgusting blood flow.
At this point, he needed a distraction, and this was it.
His main regret was that he couldn't let himself die because then he'd just be stuck in the dream bubbles, unable to wake up to flee his dancestor.
He didn't even register the fact that if that happened he'd have to explain his death, and not just his actions.
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In the dream bubbles, Kankri didn't see Karkat again for a long time. In real time, it was only about two weeks, but for Kankri "time" passed more swiftly. About two months had gone by when he finally saw his descendant again. In that time, he'd agonized about how he was going to talk to Karkat about what had gone on, while also doing a bit of soul searching.
He'd pondered what the kiss might have meant, what Karkat's terrified reaction may have implied, and most importantly how he felt in response. He'd come to the conclusion that Karkat might have flushed feelings for him (which he wouldn't believe completely until his descendant confirmed it), that the younger troll had been afraid of rejection (once again, not completely believing that Karkat had been afraid of rejection necessarily), and that if Karkat was indeed flushed for him, the feelings did not go unreciprocated. He had been burying those feelings, though a bit of digging had brought them to the surface.
At the moment, he was speaking to Cronus, for once without the Vantas ranting or the Ampora flirting. It was a genuine conversation. "So, vwait. He did /vwhat/ and ran away?" Cronus asked, raising an eyebrow. Kankri repeated, "He kissed me, then he turned around and started running. He faded away and I'm assuming he woke up." Cronus chuckled and Kankri demanded, "What? What is so funny?" The sea dweller raised an eyebrow. "For one, that you're not goin' off on a tangent about your boundaries, and for tvwo that you haven't talked to him about it instead of coming to me."
"That's just it," Kankri said. "I would have spoken to him about the matter, but he hasn't been here. I believe he's been purposely staying awake, as the friends of ours who actually allow me to say something before running in the other direction have not seen him." Imagine the surprise the Beforus trolls had felt, seeing Kankri walk up to them and ask one question before excusing himself as soon as he recieved the answer. Cronus frowned. "It's been a vwhile, evwen for normal time." Kankri nodded. "Yes, I know. I'm becoming quite concerned that he'll make himself sick with how long he's been staying awake."
"That's possible?"
"Yes."
"Damn." Cronus chewed the end of the unlit cigarette he held between his lips. "...So, you probably already knovw this, but just to confirm that you do, you realize hovw important quadrants actually vwere for them, right? Our post-scratch descendants, that is." Kankri nodded. "Yes, I'm very aware of how much they valued quadrants as opposed to our Beforan society viewed them. They needed to fill them or else they were killed." Cronus nodded. "Not only that, but they vwalued their quadrant mates a lot more. Eridan told me about it once. He said that some trolls vwent straight up crazy fin one of their 'mates vwere hurt or killed. Like, imagine hovw one of us reacted vwhenevwer vwe lost a 'mate--anyone on Beforus, not just our group--vwe'd be upset about it, right? Possibly lock ourselvwes up for a vwhile, get depressed probably.
"For Alternians, they bond on a more instinctivwe levwel. They turn into fuckin' animals, according to Eridan, escpecially fin someone fits vwell into their quadrant." Kankri crossed his arms. "I'm not even going to mention the number of triggers in that one statement, and cut to the chase. What does this have to do with anything? Not to decrease the value of what you're saying, of course, but I am rather curious as to where this ties in."
"I'm gettin' there, calm your rumble spheres. Look, Eridan explained it like this. When an Alternian troll loses a quadrant mate, especially one in the flushed or pale ones, depending on the strength of the relationship, the troll in general, and blood caste --don't givwe me that look, I'm not hemodiscriminatin' or vwhatevwer, I'm explainin' it hovw Eridan did--there was the possibility of losing their fuckin' mind just due to the sheer strength of the severed connection." Kankri opened his mouth but Cronus held up a finger. "Shut the fuck up, I'm almost done. Novw you sea how vwe feel. Anyvway. Think about it. A connection so strong that you'd do anyfin for each other, or if it was the black quadrant do anyfin to come out on top of the other. Vwhatevwer, just really strong quadrants, you'vwe got bonds. Now take that bond and cut it vwithout warning. For Alternians, it's fuckin' devastatin', like, ten times worse than the usual run-of-the-gill grief."
"Cronus, your point has yet to reveal itself."
"Vwell if you'd quit finterruptin', I'd be done by now. Look, the short version is that their quadrants vwere fintense. When they lose quadrantmates, it goes anyfin but svwimmingly. It makes them reluctant to enter into quadrants unless they're absolutely certain that it's vworth it. So since Karkat kissed you, it's likely that the guppy has some feelin's for you, possibly black but from hovw the tvwo of you interact I doubt that. So probably flushed. He ran avway, right? So he vwas probably afraid. According to Eridan, evweryfin on Alternia could be a serious threat--including trolls that didn't necessarily reciprocate whatevwer feelin's were bein' tossed their vway."
Kankri's eyes widened in realization. "Karkat might have thought I would harm him due to not wanting to be in a quadrant with him?" Cronus nodded. "That's vwhat I'm thinkin'." He paused, leaning to look behind Kankri. "Oh, shit. Chief--" At that moment he was swept away by one of the bubbles whims, pulled somewhere else within the bubble, but he had enough time to point behind the red-sweatered troll.
Kankri blinked, but turned anyway, only to quickly stand up with round, pale eyes. "Karkat!" He shouted, racing towards the troll limping towards him. It wasn't just because he was glad to see him. Kankri's voice was laced with worry as he yelled because Karkat was covered in blood, so much so that it dripped to the ground from his fingertips. Kankri's feet pounded the pavement as he sprinted towards his descendant.
He was only a few feet away when Karkat's legs collapsed and he tripped, falling into Kankri's open arms. The red-sweatered troll lowered Karkat to the ground, holding him in a sitting position. "Oh, Karkat--What happened? Where did all this blood come from? Who or what in the universe did this to you?" Karkat didn't answer, instead lifting a shaking hand to cling to Kankri's sweater. "I'm sorry." He coughed, blood trickling from the corner of his lip. That was bad, Kankri knew, that meant that something was wrong with him on the inside.
Kankri lifted Karkat into his arms, wincing when Karkat made a pained noise. "I'm sorry, Karkat, but I think it's best that we move somewhere else." He hurried towards his memories of his hive—which was close, thank an unnamed deity.
As soon as he was inside, he rushed Karkat inside and set him on the couch. He started pulling at Karkat's sweater, but the injured troll weakly grasped his hands. "Don't." He gasped, his gray-red eyes squeezed shut. "I'm sorry, Karkat, but if your dream form dies you'll wake up, and considering your state I'm assuming that doing so would be even more painful than dealing with it while you're unconscious. At the very least we can make you more comfortable." Karkat was really in no state to stop him, too distracted by pain to remember himself better, the memory of being injured too fresh in his mind. He'd seen people and trolls in such agony that they couldn't alter their forms, and even the bubbles themselves couldn't influence them.
He forcibly yet gently pulled off the younger Vantas' sweater, placing it to the side and retrieving the remembered first aid kit. He was about to start taking care of Karkat's injuries when he realized something. His injuries were severe, obviously, but some of them had healed partially, then been reopened. "...Karkat, these are... These are sickle wounds." He'd used the same weapon long enough to recognize a cut from it. It was deep and sloppy, but obvious. Karkat didn't respond, instead cracking his eyes open, looking at Kankri, then looking away.
Kankri didn't question any further just yet, instead opting to see to Karkat's injuries, cleaning up the blood and bandaging what he could. It wouldn't do anything for his real body, but it would keep his dream form alive a bit longer and spare him from waking back into whatever hell real life had put him through. Karkat's chest had been heaving throughout the time he'd been near Kankri, but the remembered adrenaline was beginning to fade as his dancestor's gentle hands took care of his wounds quickly and quietly. It was the longest he'd gone without saying a single word since Karkat had met him, not counting their venting sessions.
"Well?" Karkat demanded when Kankri finished and stepped away (which felt all too soon for the youngest Vantas). Kankri looked at him as he sat down on the couch next to his descendant. "What are you talking about?" Kankri questioned, tilting his head a bit. Karkat growled, digging his nails into his jeans. "Don't fucking play dumb. I know the only reason you're trying to keep me asleep is so that you can fucking interrogate me about what happened." He spat, though the words lacked the venom Kankri would have expected. Instead they sounded defeated.
Karkat had known he was merely delaying the inevitable when he'd run, and he'd just delayed it more when he'd avoided sleeping. Eventually it turned out that repeatedly cutting open your skin and refusing to sleep made for a bad combination, especially when you ended up in a fight. "That is hardly my main concern, Karkat." Kankri said sharply, causing his descendant to flinch. Remembering what Cronus had told him, he softened his voice. "However, I would like to know what resulted in you being in such poor health."
"We passed through a dream bubble and ran into a doomed timeline version of Dave motherfucking Strider, one of the humans we're with, and his corresponding fucking Terezi. They had a personal fucking vendetta against yours truly, and proceeded to kick my mutant ass." Karkat snapped. "But that wasn't what I fucking meant and you know it." Kankri suddenly remembered that the last time he'd seen Karkat, the younger troll had been running away from his older counterpart. "You mean when you kissed me and then proceeded to leave without offering the slightest explanation, then avoid me for approximately two months?"
"Bing-fucking-go. It was only two weeks for me, but what the fuck ever. I figured that'd be the first thing you would have said to me. You're full of fucking surprises." Kankri frowned. Karkat was saying 'fuck' even more than usual. He was trying to build up a wall, trying do defend himself. Kankri had plenty of questions, the main one being 'where did those sickle marks come from,' but he had a sinking feeling he knew the answer, and instead decided to go along with what Karkat expected. At least then he could possibly clear up any confusion about Karkat's feelings, then possibly confess his own.
"I am curious as to why you would kiss and run." He admitted, frowning a bit. "I believe I have an inkling as to the first part, and if I'm correct, then I have a suspicion as to the second as well." Karkat averted his gaze as Kankri continued, "Though I don't plan on jumping to any conclusion until I hear my suspicions from your mouth." Karkat remained silent. Kankri looked to him, only to have his eyes widen as he realized that Karkat was shaking, trembling like a leaf ready to fall from its tree. "Kar--"
"I made a mistake. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have kissed you." He said, swallowing thickly and digging his nails deeper into his jeans, and by extension his leg, as he sat up despite the protest of his body or Kankri. The older Vantas' heart dropped. So much for flushed feelings, then. "I shouldn't have kissed you, but I did, because I'm a fucking idiot and let my stupid red feelings get to me and make me do the most idiotic thing ever." Kankri blinked. Oops, thought too soon. "Red feelings?" He asked. His voice was gentle but Karkat still flinched like he'd had a whip cracked at him.
"A-are you fucking deaf? Yes, red feelings. Flushed. Maybe a tiny bit of pale. Love. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. Towards you." He said it in a snappy tone, but Kankri could see through the cracks in Karkat's mask. His descendant was afraid, and if Cronus' statement held any merit, he had a reason to be, just not when it came to Kankri. Kankri looked at Karkat, really looked at him. Karkat was trying to seem tough, but he was like a diamond. If you hit it just the right way, you'd compromise the structure of it and it would shatter into a million pieces. Karkat was much the same. The wrong words could completely shatter the defeated troll in front of him.
Due to his rough Alternian upbringing, Karkat was covered in scars, many that obviously came from luscii or other trolls. Not only that, but his hide was tougher than Kankri's Beforan skin. Karkat was all muscle, whereas Kankri had a bit of chub in his face, stomach, legs, et cetera. But emotionally, Karkat was a fucking wreck. His mental walls were so old that they'd started to crack, and it was slowly becoming clear just how life on Alternia had fucked him up. Karkat didn't look at Kankri, his nails digging deeper and deeper, drawing the blood he hated so much.
He didn't look up when Kankri moved closer.
He flinched when Kankri's hand covered his. The older troll frowned a bit at this reaction, but kept a soft expression on his face, gently pulling Karkat's hand away from his leg and holding it gently in his own. "Karkat." Flinch. "Did it ever occur to you that I feel the same way?" Kankri asked, gently brushing his thumb across the back of Karkat's scarred hand. The Alternian was shaking even more than before. "No."
"And why is that?"
"Because you're not like me." Kankri paused at this reply. What was that supposed to mean?
"Please do enlighten me on what you mean by that."
"You're... You're better than I am."
"That is incredibly untrue, with no factual basis, and I'd like know know just why you think that."
"You just are, okay? You're you, sure you sometimes talk to much but you're kind and care about everyone's boundaries and try to make things better even if you might not go about it the best way, but you still try and I'm.... I'm...I'm fucked up. There's not a single good thing about me. I'm a mutant freak and the cherry on top of the shitty sundae that is the life of Karkat Vantas is that I'm so used to fearing for my life over every little thing that I ever do that I can't even interact with other trolls without wondering if they'll try to kill me, let alone tell you that I fucking love you without worrying that you're going to rip my fucking throat out, so why he fuck would someone as amazing as you ever go for someone like m--" He was cut off by a pair of soft lips against his chapped ones, a gentle hand having moved from his own to gently cup his cheek.
Karkat wanted to flinch back, to shove Kankri off out of sheer reflex and either abscond or whip out his sickles, but he relaxed soon enough, his wide eyes slipping shut and his hands slowly moving to rest on Kankri's shoulders. Kankri pulled back and Karkat's eyes flew open again, flicking back and forth between the white orbs that were incredibly close to his own. "I never want to hear you say those things about yourself ever again. You are wonderful, Karkat. It's not your fault that you experienced awful things on Alternia that led to you having difficulties, and you are definitely not a 'freak' of any variety. I've had some time to think about what happened and how I feel, Karkat. I love you as well. And while you have your faults--who doesn't, really?--that doesn't make you any less of a wonderful troll who I'm privileged to know."
Karkat's gaze fell to the floor, and for a moment Kankri worried he'd done too much--though he wasn't certain how far was overkill in this situation--but then Karkat took a breath and snaked his arms around Kankri's neck, pulling him into a tight hug and burying his face in Kankri's bright red sweater. Kankri reciprocated, by wrapping his own around Karkat's heavily bandaged torso.
"I was afraid that--"
"I know, Karkat."
"I shouldn't have... I should have just told you."
"That would have been for the best, but it's alright, Karkat."
"......I love you."
"I love you, too."
The tension slipped from Karkat like water from a slick surface. Though while Karkat buried his face in Kankri's sweater, he suddenly felt his heart stop. Not metaphorically, literally. The feeling of the organ pounding in his chest just stopped and he faintly heard someone, maybe Kanaya, yell his name, but then the sound was gone and it was just the sound of Kankri's breathing. Karkat knew exactly what it meant, but he didn't say anything to Kankri, knowing that when he pulled away from his dancestor his eyes would be as white as Kankri's.
He was dead, but for the moment he was content to hold Kankri and be held in return.
He shouldn't have worried so much.