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One of Kimi’s first memories is of him waiting for his papa to come home from work on a random Sunday.
He remembers sitting on the couch late at night, as late as his dad would let him, eagerly checking the time and cuddling into his dad’s side. A warm hand would sweep through his hair, detangling his curls with gentle fingers.
His father works out of the country, his dad would explain, that’s why he’s never there on the weekends. When he’d come home he’d kneel and hug Kimi to his chest, dropping kisses all over his face, before hauling him onto one arm and rising to give Dad a long kiss, Kimi folded between them.
Papa used to be bigger than life to Kimi, tall and broad and with big hands that made him feel safe whenever he had a nightmare. He was gone often, but never left their side when he was home.
After, Papa would show him all the new toys he’d bought while he was away and Kimi would tear into the packages on the living room floor while his parents chatted quietly on the couch.
Looking back, it’s easy to recognize the bags under his papa’s eyes, the fatigue etched onto his every muscle from a long week and a longer flight home, but back then all Kimi ever felt was warmth and love, the affection between his parents enough to drown everything else out.
Papa never made Kimi feel guilty for waking him up with stupid, childish stuff even though he had to have been exhausted. Dad would have late dinner ready for him in the oven in order to try make Papa’s life easier, but Papa would still insist on doing the dishes, on pulling Dad between his knees and massaging the knots from the nape of his neck even though he’d try to resist.
Dad always came first for Papa.
Despite everything, the distance and the late nights, his parents were happy. In love.
These days, it’s getting harder to remember what that felt like. They love him, that’s for sure, they tell him every day. Papa still kisses him on the forehead when he tucks him in, still carries him to bed when he falls asleep in the car. Dad holds his hand when they’re outside even though he’s eleven and it’s a little embarrassing, and coddles him when he’s sick and has a fever.
He’s never felt unloved. It’s just… he can’t remember the last time his parents had actually kissed. They no longer cuddle on the couch with their legs tangled and their voices hushed because Kimi’s supposed to be sleeping but has instead sneaked out to sit by the stairs and watch whatever movie’s on with them.
And they fight.
Not loudly, not with shattering glass and cursing like Kimi’s seen on TV, but sometimes, late at night, when he passes their bedroom while getting water, he hears muffled voices that sound angry. He never lingers, but the next morning, Dad’s always gone – to Pilates class, Papa says – and Papa’s eyes are tired.
They probably think they’re hiding it well, but Kimi notices. They’re not as careful as they think.
Even now, he can hear them arguing. It started over something small, Papa missing dinner, but like everything, snowballed into a big fight about anything and everything.
Kimi sits on top of the stairs, hidden from sight and tucks his chin against his folded arms, knees drawn to his chest. Usually he hides under the blanket and reads a book to distract himself, but sometimes he misses his parents actually talking to each other so much that it’s almost a comfort to hear them fight.
“I wasn’t trying to be late, drinks just went long!”
Dad’s voice, muffled with tears and snot, “you never try to be on time, either. You don’t fucking care about me anymore, admit it.”
“George.”
“Are you fucking other people, is that it? You only want me when I’m hot and starving? What is it, Max, tell me. Do you regret having a kid with me?”
A clatter of plates, the wet slap of a sponge hitting the floor. “Never fucking say that again, George. Kimi’s the best thing that’s ever happened to either of us and you fucking know it.”
“But I’m not?”
Kimi closes his eyes, buries his face in his arms.
“I never said that. You–“ A sigh. “You’re beautiful even if you’ve gained weight, you know it’s never been about that. A stay-at-home dad, a model, it doesn’t matter to me, I would never cheat.”
“Then why are you never here?”
Dad’s crying now, Kimi can tell, because sometimes when he thinks Kimi’s sleeping, he comes to sit beside his bed and cries while stroking his hair, sounding exactly like he does now.
“Because I’m tired, George. Tired of fighting, tired of always doing something wrong, tired of disappointing you.”
“So it’s my fault now?”
A frustrated noise. “See, this is why– You know what, I’ll get a hotel for the night, get out of your hair. You obviously don’t need me here.”
“Max–“
“See you in the morning.”
“Max!”
Kimi scrambles back to his room before they can see him, closing his door with a soft click. He presses his ear against the wood, heart pounding. There’s not much to hear, other than footsteps and doors opening and closing.
Papa must have left.
Kimi peeks out, then carefully pads down the hallway to his parents’ room where he can hear muffled sobbing. He hangs onto the doorframe, calls out hesitantly, “Dad?”
“Andrea? Shi– Hold on, one minute. Daddy’s washing his face.”
No, you’re not, Kimi thinks. When his dad walks into view, eyes puffy and red, a wobbly smile on his face, Kimi doesn’t say anything.
“Hi, sweetheart, why are you up? It’s late and you have school tomorrow,” his dad says, crouching down to get in eye-level. “Are you okay?”
Kimi nods, biting his lip. “I’m fine. Can I sleep with you tonight? I had a nightmare.”
Dad smooths a hand over Kimi’s curls, smiling at him thinly, the corners of his lips trembling. “Oh, baby. That’s alright, you can always sleep with me.”
In bed, Kimi curls up next to his dad, pressing his face into his warm stomach. It’s like when he was a kid except his papa was usually on his other side or on Dad’s other side, arm over them both.
Dad’s lips are pressed against his crown, moving every now and then like maybe he’s praying, except Kimi’s parents aren’t religious so it’s probably not that. Ollie’s are, he says his parents make him say grace at the dinner table every day. Ollie’s family is a lot different from Kimi’s. He has a mother, for one.
“Do you not love papa anymore?”
Dad flinches, fingers tightening in Kimi’s hair. “What?”
“You’re always fighting,” Kimi mumbles, clinging to his dad’s waist. “And I heard him leaving. Is he coming back?”
“Of course he’s coming back, baby,” Dad chokes out, voice going all weird and wobbly again. “He loves you, sweetheart, he would never leave you. He’s just… taking some time to cool down.”
“Are you getting a divorce?”
Dad sniffles, removes a hand from Kimi’s back to wipe at his nose. “No, darling. I know it’s hard, seeing your papa and I fight, but we’re going to be alright. It’s just a little difficult right now, but Max and I love each other very much. If anything ever happens, we’ll talk about it with you first, okay? You don’t have to worry.”
“Okay,” Kimi says and then bursts into tears, emotions suddenly bubbling over. “Daddy, is it ‘cause of me?”
“No, baby, Andrea, don’t ever think like that, okay?” Dad lifts Kimi’s face and his vision is blurry but he can still see him crying too. “I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry. It’s never your fault, never ever.”
Kimi eventually falls asleep in his dad’s arms, rocked gently until he’s calm, apologies whispered into his hair.
When he wakes up hours later, it’s to Papa sitting on the edge of the bed, stroking a thumb over the bruised skin under Dad’s eyes. Kimi closes his eyes before Papa notices, and eventually feels the same fingers brushing over his cheeks.
He stays until Dad stirs beside Kimi, leaves the room before he wakes up.
_
Not even six months later, they sit Kimi down and tell him they’re getting a divorce. He sits there, numb and silent, somehow not surprised but still shocked to his core, words washing over him like he’s underwater.
They explain to him that Papa’s going to move out but he’ll still visit every week until things calm down and then Kimi can start spending time at his new place.
We’ll spend Christmases and your birthdays together, Dad tells him with a watery smile, we’re still your parents and your family and we love you very much.
He nods and hugs them both but it feels automatic, like he’s not really in his body. Later, when he’s alone in his room, he lays down in his bed and cries until his papa comes in and lays with him, not saying anything, just keeping him company.
Kimi knows he’s sorry. He knows his papa loves him and doesn’t want to hurt him. He just wishes he still loved Dad as well.
_
Kimi learns to adapt. He still misses his parents together but it’s become easier to alternate between homes. He tells Papa the same things he tells Dad, school’s fine, no girlfriend, gross, Papa, yes, Ollie’s still his best friend.
Dad’s not really coping well, if Kimi’s being honest. He makes Kimi breakfast in the mornings and kisses him goodbye when he leaves for school, but he’s quieter than usual, blames his sniffles on allergies and looks around the house sometimes like he’s lost, like there’s someone missing.
Kimi makes sure to hug his dad every day.
Papa seems fine but Kimi knows better. Papa’s house is empty, no pictures or paintings on the walls, no cozy throw pillows or blankets, no vintage furniture. There’s a huge TV and a gaming set-up, ugly curtains on the windows that Dad would’ve never approved of.
Kimi’s room is cool though, has glowing stars on the ceiling and a fuzzy carpet. Papa lets him eat whatever he wants while he lives with him, but makes him promise not to tell Dad and to eat his veggies so he’ll grow up healthy.
Sometimes Papa asks about Dad casually while he’s stirring something on the stove. How is he, is he still working, does he ever talk about him? He likes asking about the groceries, whether George is eating properly, though he phrases his questions in ways that don’t make it obvious he’s worried.
Kimi tells him honestly that he never sees Dad eat breakfast anymore.
_
“Dad’s dating again.”
Papa’s fork clatters to the table. “What?”
Kimi nods and sips his soup carefully. “He’s been talking on the phone a lot. And last week he went out and came home late. I think he was on a date.”
Papa stares at him, frozen. His mouth twitches and then he jerks into motion, roughly scratching at his stubble. “Okay. I’m– Okay. That’s alright.”
Is it?
“What about you?”
Papa breathes in deep, rubs at his eyebrow. “I’m not seeing anyone right now, buddy, don’t worry. And your dad–“
It looks painful, Papa forcing the words out of his mouth. “Your dad has the right to see other men. I know it’s not easy, adjusting to new people. If you ever need to talk, I’m right here, okay?”
Kimi smiles at him. “Okay, papa.”
_
Papa drives him home just as Dad’s latest boyfriend – boyfriend is a loose term, Kimi will see him maybe once more before Dad’s onto another – is getting into his car and driving away.
So he’d spent the night with Dad while Kimi’s been away.
Gross.
Papa’s knuckles are white on the steering wheel, eyes trained on the departing car, some streamlined Ferrari, obnoxiously yellow. Kimi glances at him, wondering if he should explain that that man’s hardly the love of Dad’s life and none of them ever last.
He wonders if either of them will ever realize they’re both chasing after ghosts of each other and no amount of doppelgangers will ever fill the hole.
“You should come say hello–“
“Good idea,” Papa interrupts him. He’s out of his seat in a heartbeat and Kimi scrambles out after him.
Dad is waiting on the doorstep, feet bare and hoodie sleeves pulled over his hands. Kimi gives him a hug like he always does, mumbles something about homework and slips through the open door behind him.
When he crouches down to untie his shoes, he can’t help but listen in.
“Max, hello.”
“George. You look… good.”
Kimi bites his lip to keep in a giggle.
“Oh. Thank you. I’ve… actually, I’ve been thinking about doing some freelance modeling on the side while Kimi’s out of the house, so I’ve been working out and…” Dad’s voice trails out. “Sorry. You don’t care.”
“Says who. Are you eating enough?”
Dad heaves a big sigh. “Max, that’s not your job anymore. I’m healthy, I’m making sure of that.”
“Right. Right, sorry. Guess you got a new man to take care of you now, huh.”
Silence.
“I think you should go now, Max. It was nice to see you.”
Kimi imagines it, Papa staring at Dad in that way that he’s so fond of, jaw working and eyes unblinking. Then, the softening of his eyebrows, the breath of air that relaxes his mouth.
“Alright, I’m sorry. I’ll see you in two weeks.”
Dad, curling his toes against his ankle to comfort himself, arms wrapped around his torso. “Bye.”
When Dad comes back in, shutting the door behind him, he looks tired. “Your father is impossible, Andrea. Have you been telling him about my love life?”
Kimi smiles, aiming for innocent and angelic. “Nope.”
Dad studies his face and then runs a hand over his mouth with a big sigh. “You Verstappen boys. Impossible.”
_
Papa’s new girlfriend is a replica of Dad and Kimi’s not entirely sure he’s aware of it.
The soft brown curls, cropped in a short bob, the angular face and the long limbs. That’s alright, plenty women look like that. But Callie calls Papa darling and sweetheart and drinks spinach smoothies in the mornings before her Pilates and it’s a little odd, because Dad used to do all that.
She’s alright. Sweet and kind, if a little uninterested in being a stepmom, but that’s okay with Kimi. He doesn’t need another parent. Callie’s like a fun aunt, in a way. She won’t last very long either, just like Dad’s boyfriends never last.
It’s not difficult to notice how disconnected Papa seems from his girlfriend, barely lifting his eyes from his phone when they eat dinner together. Callie doesn’t even live with him, seems perfectly okay with that.
Possibly they’re both okay with using each other until the need runs out. Papa’s rich, Callie’s an influencer. Kimi’s smarter than he looks, even if his parents seem to think he’s unaware of all the nuances in their lives.
He’s also aware of the weird things they do while they miss each other. He knows Dad still checks Papa’s race highlights and Papa still wears his wedding band when Callie’s not around.
They’re mature enough to not involve him in their shenanigans though. Ollie’s parents aren’t even divorced and he’s stuck as a messenger between them. The most Dad’s done is ask Kimi what Callie’s Instagram is so he can see what she looks like.
He’d been very nice, complimenting her hair and smile, but he’d looked a little sad. He’d been single during that time, but got another boyfriend soon after.
_
Something changes after Christmas. There are no more girlfriends or boyfriends, no dates or strange people coming to pick Dad up in showy cars. Well, if Papa’s showy cars don’t count.
Instead, they eat dinner together as a family almost every day, Papa showing up each time with a different excuse as if Kimi buys any of it. He doesn’t know what happened during Christmas, but it had to have been significant. Being around the neighborhood works only so many times before it becomes suspicious.
There’s a new tenderness to the way they handle each other, a brush against Dad’s lower back, a squeeze of Papa’s fingers. They think Kimi doesn’t notice.
He doesn’t know if it means they’re getting back together. It doesn’t really matter either, not when Dad’s smile gets brighter each time Papa brings him flowers, when Papa starts sleeping over “in the guest room” and the house doesn’t seem as lonely anymore.
Kimi’s on his way to get water from the kitchen one night, sweating out of his pajamas from the heat when he hears whispering. He slows down, peeks down the stairs.
There, Dad and Papa. Illuminated by the soft glow of a few fake candles, they’re – Kimi makes a face – kissing, tangled together on the couch with a muted movie rolling in the background. They’re not doing anything gross, thankfully, never with Kimi in the house, but it’s definitely not casual cuddling either.
Can’t be the first time they’ve done it, either, because both of them look very, very into it. Kimi backs away before he has to see anything else. He can drink straight from the bathroom tap.
_
Kimi watches both of his parents carefully the next morning. Dad has a permanent flush on his face, an absent smile tugging at his lips. Papa can’t stop his eyes from being drawn to Dad over and over again, visible awe shining in them.
Kimi smothers a smile in his toast. “Are you two getting back together?”
Dad drops the plate he’s washing, water splashing on his shirt. Papa freezes, blinking rapidly. “I– Wh– Why would you think that?”
“Papa basically lives here again,” Kimi explains and takes another bite of toast. “I’m not stupid, dads.”
Dad’s red as a tomato, leaning back against the sink. “Darling–“
“Wait. First, Andrea, I want to apologize to you,” Papa interrupts, looking serious. “I know your dad and I’s divorce was difficult for you and I hate that we put you in that position. A child should never have to listen to his parents argue, much less deal with the confusion of custody issues and new partners.”
Kimi blinks. “It’s okay–“
“No, it’s not,” Papa shakes his head. “Listen. Your dad and I love you very much. To answer your question, we’re… trying. We’ve talked things out, we want a future together, with you. But because we do have you, we have to be careful. There’s been so much instability in your life already, if this doesn’t end up working again, that would just hurt you. Do you understand?”
It makes sense, probably. These are adult things Kimi doesn’t like thinking about, but he’s happy his parents are thinking about them for him. “Yeah, I get it. I’m happy for you though, just saying.”
Papa smiles at him softly. “Thank you, buddy. We’re taking it slow, but we should have talked to you about it first, made sure you’re on the same page.”
Kimi’s been the only one on this page since day one. They’re the ones who took years to get it together. “Are you going to have another wedding?”
It would be pretty cool to go to a wedding. He wasn’t born yet when they had theirs, but he’s seen pictures. It looked fun.
Dad chuckles, wiping his hands dry to come hold Kimi’s head between them and plant a kiss on his curls. He stays there, inhaling deep, nose nuzzling into his hair. “Maybe someday. Right now, Papa and I just want to give you a normal childhood while you’re still a kid.”
“Dad, I’m almost fifteen,” Kimi complains, but doesn’t swat Dad’s hands away. It feels nice to be held like a kid sometimes. “And it’s okay, I’m not traumatized or anything.”
“You’re my little baby,” Dad coos, giving him quick kisses all over his forehead. “My wittle bittle baby.”
“Papa, help.”
His papa watches them with an amused smile, fondness swimming in every line of his face. “I think you’re right where you want to be, buddy. As long as your dad saves enough for me.”
Kimi wipes at his face while his dad goes to Papa, sitting on his thigh and leaning against him. It’s like the old times when Kimi was too young to really appreciate it, his parents touchy and affectionate. It’s a little embarrassing, Dad giving Papa a kiss on the cheek, but that’s alright.
Kimi’s glad his family is back together. He can deal with some PDA in the meanwhile.
He busies himself with his breakfast and politely pretends not to hear Papa whisper I love you against Dad’s mouth or the smack of their lips when they kiss again.