Chapter 1: palmetto
Chapter Text
Neil had long ago lost count of how many airports she's seen. This one was smaller than some of the ones she'd been to. Less places to blend in. She'd never been there, though, and that at least brought some comfort. Since Mary died on that beach, though, Neil's only constant comfort now came from the duffel bag that bumped against her hip.
It was the weight of her teammate's stare that brought Neil's gaze almost right to them. It was one of the twins. Judging by the calm look on their face, Neil laid his bets on it not being Audrey. Aaron Minyard was often referred to as "the normal one' of the two, though that was usually followed by a debate over whether or not he could be sane when he shared genes with Audrey. Neil thought that beating four men nearly to death didn't lend itself to insanity, if it was based in defense, but she was a poor judge of those sorts of things. Even if there was a lack of sanity, it clearly had nothing to do with shared genes, because the bored look Aaron was levelling at him paled in comparison to the weight of the stare that belonged to the girl who had slammed a racquet into Neil's ribs.
Maybe the hair, too, but all of it was tucked under a hat so Neil couldn't fully say.
Neil crossed the room to meet him. Neil had been the shortest player on the Millport Dingo line, but she had a good handful of inches on Aaron. The all black ensemble Aaron wore did nothing to make him look any taller, and Neil wondered what the baseball cap was for. Four inches of shade across his face couldn't be helping much.
"Neil," Aaron said, in lieu of hello, and he pointed. "Baggage claim."
"Just this." Neil tapped the strap of the duffel bag hanging off her shoulder. The bag was small enough to be a carry-on, and large enough to carry everything Neil owned.
Aaron accepted that without comment. Once settled into the beast of a car, duffel in the trunk, Aaron gave her an unfriendly smile. "Neil Josten. Here for the summer, hm?"
"Yes."
Aaron cranked the air conditioner up as high as it could go and put the car into reverse. "That makes five of us, but word is you're going to stay with Coach."
Coach Wymack warned Neil the cousins Audrey, Aaron, and Nicholas would be in town, but it still didn't add up. Neil knew who that fifth person had to be. She didn't want to believe it, even as she knew she should have expected it. Kevin had been glued to Audrey's side since his transfer. Still, Neil had to be sure.
"Kevin stays on campus?" she asked.
"Where the court is, Kevin is. He can't exist without it."
"I didn't think it was the court Kevin was staying for."
Aaron didn't answer, but Neil felt his gaze nonetheless. It was a short drive to the parking lot exit, and Aaron had cash ready for the lady at the booth. As soon as the bar lifted to let them out, he stepped down on the gas. Neil tightened her seat belt, and as they sifted through the traffic on the freeway, tightened it again.
"I heard you didn't hit it off with Kevin last month."
Neil kept her eyes on the scenery. She had never been through here before, to her knowledge. If she had, it had been in the dark.
"No one warned me he was going to be there. Maybe you'll forgive me for not reacting well."
"Maybe I won't. I don't believe in forgiveness, and it wasn't me you offended. That's the second time a recruit has told him to fuck off. If it was possible to dent that arrogance of his, his pride would have shreds through it. Instead, he's losing faith in the intelligence of high school athletes."
"I'm sure Audrey had her reasons for refusing, same as me."
"You said you weren't good enough, but here you are anyway. You think a single summer of practices will make that much of a difference?"
"No, Neil said. "It was just too hard to say no."
"Coach always knows what to say, hm? It makes it harder on the rest of us, though. Not even Millport should have taken a chance on you."
Neil shrugged. He wasn't wrong. "Millport's too small to care about experience. I had nothing to lose by trying out, and they had nothing to gain by refusing me. It was a matter of being in the right place at the right time, I guess."
"Do you believe in fate?
"No. Do you?"
"Luck, then," Aaron said, ignoring that return question. Neil wanted to roll her eyes.
"Only the bad sort."
"We're flattered by your high opinion of us, of course."
Aaron pulled at the wheel, sliding the car from one lane to the other without bothering to check traffic around him. Horns blared behind them. Neil watched in the rearview mirror as cars swerved to avoid hitting them.
"It's too nice of a car to wreck," she said pointedly.
"Don't be so afraid to die," Aaron said as the car kept gliding across the four-lane road to an exit ramp. "If you are, you have no place on our court."
"We're talking about a sport, not a death match."
"Same difference," Aaron said. "You're playing for a Class I team with Kevin on your line. People are always willing to bleed for him. You've seen the news, I assume."
"I've seen it," Neil said.
Aaron flicked his fingers as if that proved his point. Neil would be hard pressed to say that he was wrong, so she let it slide. The rest of the ride followed with much the same reckless driving, until Neil's knee felt sore from pressing into her nonexistent brake.
The apartment complex where Wymack lived was a twenty minute drive from the airport, at least, under Aaron's driving. The parking lot was mostly empty, since it was mid-afternoon on a workday, but there were three people waiting on the sidewalk. Aaron was the first out, and he aimed the key ring at the back of the car. Neil heard locks pop as she climbed out of the car. Aaron went to meet the others at the curb while Neil retrieved her duffel bag from the trunk. She slung it over her shoulder, finally relaxing a little at the familiar weight of it, and pushed the trunk closed. When she looked up, she was the center of attention.
The twins were standing to either side of Kevin, dressed identically in masculine clothes and baseball hats, but still distinguishable by the looks on their faces. The media had been wrong, apparently, but Neil also was feeling much more shaky about her assumption. The one that must have been Audrey looked bored, arms folded loosely and hip jutted as she waited. Her eyes were flat. Aaron, or whichever twin had driven Neil, was still just as assessing. Just as sharp.
None of that made sense with what she had read. Neil doubted that the same person who was in court-mandated therapy to this day, which was considered a 'light sentence' for her crimes, would hardly be bored when there was a new person around. Not unless it was a lie, but the eyes were too flat to be lying. There was nothing behind that flatness.
So they had tricked her. Audrey had picked her up– why? Why pretend? Why tuck her hair up and pretend to be her brother? Was Neil supposed to let something slip that she wouldn't have if it were Audrey? It didn't matter. Neil mirrored her brutally assessing expression, scanning her up and down once before moving towards them. With a slight dip of her chin, Audrey acknowledged the assessment.
Nicholas Hemmick was the only one who looked genuinely happy to see Neil, and he stepped up to the curb at Neil's approach. She was glad for the distraction, since it kept her from looking at Kevin, and she readily accepted the hand that Nicholas offered.
"Hey," the man said, using his grip on Neil's hand to pull her onto the curb. "Welcome to South Carolina. Flight go okay?"
"It was fine," Neil said.
"I'm Nicky." Nicky gave Neil's hand another squeeze before letting go. "Audrey and Aaron's cousin, backliner extraordinaire."
Neil looked from him to the twins and back again. Where the twins were light, Nicky was dark, with jet-black hair, dark brown eyes, and skin two shades too dark to be a tan. He also had the better part of a foot on them.
"By blood?"
Nicky laughed. "Don't look it, right? Take after my mom. Dad 'rescued' her from Mexico during some la-di-dah ministry trip." He made a show of rolling his eyes, then jerked a thumb at the others. "You already met them, right? Aaron, Audrey, Kevin? Coach was supposed to be here to let you in, but he had to head up to the stadium real quick. The ERC called him, probably with more shit about how we haven't publicized our sub yet. In the meantime, you're stuck with us, but we've got Coach's keys. Suitcases in the trunk?"
"It's just this," Neil said.
Nicky arched an eyebrow at her, and looked to the others. "He packs light. I wish I could travel like that, but hell if I ain't materialistic."
"Materialistic is just a start," Aaron said.
Nicky grinned, and caught Neil's shoulder, guiding her past the rest towards the front door. "This is where Coach lives. He makes all the money, so he gets to live in a place like this while poor people couch surf."
"You have a nice car for someone who thinks he's poor," Neil said.
"That's why we're poor," Nicky said dryly.
"Aaron's mother bought it for us with her life insurance money," Aaron explained. Neil stopped herself before she reacted. Clearly if Audrey had realized the jig was up, she hadn't yet communicated that to Aaron. "It's no surprise she had to die to be worth anything."
"Easy," Nicky said, but he was looking at Audrey when he said it.
"Easy, easy," Audrey raised both hands in a careless shrug. "Why bother? It's a cruel world, right Neil? You wouldn't be here if it wasn't."
"It's not the world that's cruel," Neil said. "It's the people in it."
They took the elevator up, and Neil didn't quite accomplish the timidity she was going for as the cousins seemed to sack the apartment. She had known since April she'd be crashing on Coach Wymack's couch for a couple weeks. Neil had known, in the days following Wymack's visit, that it would be uncomfortable. She still wasn't prepared for the way her stomach rolled now. She had been on her own since her mother died, and the last man she'd lived with was her father. How was she supposed to let Wymack lock the door every night with both of them under the same roof? She couldn't possibly sleep here; every time Wymack breathed Neil would wake up and wonder who was after her. Maybe she should back out and check into a hotel, but how was she supposed to explain that to Wymack? Would she have to explain? Wymack thought Neil's parents were abusive, so maybe he'd understand Neil's reticence.
Timid was what she hoped her moment came across as, but knew it would fall much too far for that. She saw the look Nicky sent Audrey, curious and confused, and knew she'd made a mistake. Still, it wasn't until she stepped up alongside her to see what the holdup was that Neil could move again. Under Audrey's intense pale stare, Neil only managed to meet her eyes for a moment. No, the look at the airport had been a lie. It was worse to stay out here with them than it was to cross that threshold. She'd figure the Wymack thing out, but not here, and not now. Not with Audrey and Kevin as witnesses.
The first doorway opened into the living room she would sleep in. The couch Wymack had referenced was cleared off and even had a sticky-note tacked to it, saying that the blankets were in the coffee table drawer. It was the only clean surface in the room. Everything else was covered in paperwork and empty coffee mugs. Overflowing ashtrays were in unhealthy abundance as well, but the smell of the smoke was far too sour, too old to remind her of Mary.
Neil was halfway across the room to look out the window when Nicky spoke up behind her.
" What was that all about ?"
Neil's blood turned to slush. It wasn't the words that got her, but the language Nicky used. German was Neil's second language thanks to three years spent living in Austria, Germany, Luxemburg, and Switzerland. She remembered more of Europe than she wanted to; most of their time there had been a cold mess. She knew the tang of blood in her mouth was just her imagination, but it was sharp enough to choke. She could feel her heartbeat on every inch of her skin, going so fast it sent her trembling head to toe.
How did they know she spoke German?
The sick rush hardly took a moment more to wash over her. They were talking about her, not intending for her to understand. Neil forced herself to move, finishing her trip to the window. She pushed the curtains back and put her hands to the glass, needing something to steady him while her heart tried to ease back to a normal rhythm.
" Maybe he was savoring the moment, " Aaron said.
" No ," Nicky said. " That was pure fight or flight. What the hell did you say to him, Audrey? "
Neil looked back at them. She wanted to see if Nicky would unintentionally give her the reason for the twins' switch. Instead, she just got a bright smile, and a chipper, "How about a tour?" from the man.
She considered saying something, but she'd already given too much of herself away, so she shrugged.
There wasn't much to look at. Through the messy office and a surprisingly clean bathroom, they only stopped long enough for Nicky to scoop up a bottle of pills to twist the lid off.
"That's not yours," Neil said.
"Painkillers," Nicky said, ignoring that implicit accusation. "Coach shattered his hip a few years back, you know? That's how he met Abby. She was his therapist, and he got her the job here. Team's still split fifty-fifty on whether or not they're boning. Audrey refuses to vote, which means you're the tiebreaker. Let us know ASAP. I've got money riding on it."
He shook a couple pills into his hand, screwed the lid on, and put the bottle back. Neil let all her disgust show on her face when Nicky glanced in her direction, and then turned away. The only one remaining was Aaron, and he didn't look at all concerned.
"You'll meet Abby tonight at dinner," Nicky said, apparently trying to push past the evident burning shame on his cheeks. "We've got a couple hours to kill before then, so maybe we can take you by the court and let you gawk at it. We've got the perfect number for scrimmages now. Kevin's probably pissing himself in excitement."
Neil thought of Kevin's dispassionate expression downstairs, and highly doubted it.
"Kevin doesn't do excited," Aaron said, mirroring Neil’s thoughts. “Still, Exy is the only thing he cares about. No one wants you on our court more than he does.”
Neil’s answer got stuck somewhere in her throat as she processed that. It was the same thing Audrey had said in the car. It didn’t surprise Neil, feeling more like a callback than anything. She supposed, if she had to poke at the mysterious feeling, it was that same mix of jealousy and gratitude. Kevin had gotten out. Her father had not gotten to Kevin.
“Isn’t it difficult playing with him? I mean, with him being a champion.”
“Technically we haven’t played with him yet,” Nicky said. “He just started getting into drills with us last month. If he’s anything on the line like he is an assistant coach, you are going to have the most awful year ever. But he’s worth it.”
Kevin was their topic’s subject until they met back up with Audrey and Kevin in the middle of smuggling alcohol. Kevin didn’t seem to give a fuck about Neil’s eyes on the exchange, but Audrey did cock half an eyebrow in challenge. Neil thought about commenting, then decided against it. Better to observe quietly than call something out and lose her chance altogether. Nicky left first, leaving the door open for everyone to follow. Only Audrey remained, eyeing Neil once more.
Neil jerked her head at the door. “Come on then, Audrey, lead the way.”
Audrey’s challenging eyebrow dropped minutely, then she raised both in something Neil couldn’t read. “So, you really did figure it out.”
“You should give Aaron acting lessons. Or at least pretend to show an emotion other than apathy, and then it might be harder to tell you two apart.”
Audrey tugged off her baseball hat, letting the mop of hair that was tucked underneath spill down. It almost looked like she was admitting defeat, but Neil had been surrounded by people like her for her entire life. This was just another part of the test that would go on for weeks.
“That almost sounds like an accusation, but I didn’t lie.”
“Omission is the easiest way to lie. You could have corrected me.”
“Could have, but didn’t. Figure it out yourself.”
“I did.” Neil tapped two fingers to her temple, copying her mocking salute from their first meeting. “Better luck next time.”
“Oh,” Audrey said, sliding back to something between the apathy and the surprise. There was something behind her eyes. Something dangerous. “Oh, you might actually turn out to be interesting. For a little while, at least. I don’t think the amusement will last. It never does.”
Neil sized her up one more time, and jerked her head at the door. Audrey made no move to step out. She actually took a step deeper into the apartment. Neil had her mouth already open to snap, but Audrey said a dull, “Coach.”
“Do you have any idea how much I hate coming home and finding you in my apartment?” Wymack was already talking before making it into the room. He gave Neil a once over, and when Audrey didn’t say anything, he said, “I see you made it alright.”
Neil gave a jerky nod, and that seemed good enough for the grizzled coach. “Good, there’s no surviving any of their driving, just an open casket or closed. Why are you still here?”
“Leaving. Is Neil coming?”
“Coming where?” Wymack said, looking suspicious.
“Court, then probably Abby’s. You can take him back after that. After Kevin’s had his fill.”
“Just take this,” Wymack says to Neil, tossing him a set of keys. “Long key is for when the front gate closes at night. A small one gets you into the apartment. The others are for the stadium: outer door, gear room, and court doors. Kevin has a matching set, so make him show you which is which. I expect you to make as much use of them as he does.”
Audrey snorted at that, but Neil tried her best to offer a smile. “Thank you. I will.”
“Good. Anything else?”
Audrey was already halfway out the door, so Neil took the moment to shrug, purposefully jostling the duffle. “Do you have anywhere I can hide this?”
“There’s space in the living room.”
Neil flicked her gaze to Audrey, standing in the hall, obviously listening. When Wymack told her to get out, she nodded. Wymack turned back to Neil. “How safe is safe?”
Neil’s pulse ratcheted at the very idea of giving him this truth, but the fact was, not only could she not risk it, she needed the safety only her truth could ensure. “It's all I have.”
That’s all it took. Neil was hesitant, eyeing the drawer, though. If she had to cram the bag, though, her things would move around. Her tell of the tags being up wouldn't be foolproof enough, not if everything had shifted anyway. Maybe this was her first real requirement of trust. Wymack said it was safe, so that's what it had to be. She was already here in Palmetto because of his word, what was another thing?
Bag stowed and locked into the desk, Neil followed Audrey back down the hall. Her fleeting sense of safety vanished the second the doors closed behind them, because the others had arranged themselves in a ring around the walls of the elevator. She clamped down on her self-control, forcing even breaths the entire way down. Audrey, again, was staring at her, which Neil met with something as close to neutral as she could manage. Audrey pushed away from the back railing and started for Neil. She reached for Neil's keys, but Neil moved the ring out of reach, jamming it deep in her pocket and not removing her hand.
"Don't touch me," Neil said, keeping her voice even.
"How nice to meet you," Audrey said, and her eyes flickered with that same look she had given earlier while telling Neil how interesting she was. Neil had the odd feeling that she would be getting used to that look. "I will love seeing more of this real version of you, but it will have to wait. Abby threatened to revoke our stadium rights for the summer if we break you sooner than that."
The elevator dinged open, and Neil was the second one out behind Nicky. Audrey stuck to her side, though, talking in a lower voice out to the car. "Kevin would be insufferable, so we can wait. We'll wait until everyone's here, and Abby has too many other Foxes to worry about. Then we'll throw you a welcome party you won't forget."
"You need to rethink your persuasion techniques. They suck."
"I have no need for persuasion. You'll just learn to do what I say."
Audrey sunk into the driver's seat. Neil moved, but was immediately blocked by Nicky, who was holding open the back door for Neil. "Ready for this?"
Neil didn't bother responding. She was starting to think that Kevin wasn't her only problem at Palmetto State. It was almost a relief. Neil couldn't anticipate Kevin; she couldn't ask how much Kevin remembered about his past, and she wouldn't know until too late what finally triggered Kevin into remembering. Audrey was the kind of threat Neil had grown up around. She was too familiar- handling her would be easy. Neil would just have to be careful.
She flicked her eyes back up to Nicky as she buckled her seatbelt.
"Ready."
The cousins didn't say anything else to her, letting her get a full view of the riotously orange stadium and all surrounding buildings. She half-tuned Nicky out as they made their way inside until she had to make a mental note of the door code, until he was looking directly at her.
"When's your birthday?"
Neil blinked at him. "It was in March."
"Oh, we missed it. But, we recruited you in April, so that should count as the world's greatest present. What'd your girlfriend get you?"
Neil blinked at him again. "What?"
"Come on, a cute face like yours has to have a girlfriend. Unless you swing my way, of course, in which case, please tell me now and save me the trouble of having to figure it out."
Neil stared at him, wondering how Nicky could care about such things when the stadium was right there. They knew the code to get in, but they were still standing around like the answer Neil was supposed to give was the secret password. Neil looked from Nicky to the keypad and back again. She couldn't exactly explain to Nicky that she was the opposite of Nicky's type. It was probably a good thing that Nicky believed her to be a man enough to hit on her. That was what was happening, wasn't it?
"It doesn't matter," Neil eventually said.
"But I'm curious."
"He means nosey," Aaron said.
"I don't swing either way," Neil said. "Let's go in."
"Bullshit."
"I don't. Don't ask questions and then ignore the answers I give just because you don't like them. Are we going in or not?"
That, at least, prompted Kevin to finally tap in the code. He pulled the door open, and pushed Nicky. "Go."
There was another small tour, this one mostly explained through sweeping hand gestures. Through the lounge, covered in photos with soft but worn looking furniture. Nicky was saying something, explaining who the other women were, but Neil already knew everything there was to know about the team. Aaron and Kevin had already pushed through the lounge, and Neil went after them. The hallway led them past two offices, one labelled for Wymack, and one for an ABIGAIL WINFIELD. The door with a simple red cross on it was next, and Neil made a mental note for it, if she would ever have to steal supplies from there. The two doors further down the hall were opposite from each other, marked by gender. Kevin pushed open the door marked for men, giving Neil a glimpse of bright orange lockers, benches, and tiled floor. Neil wanted to explore, but Kevin wasn't slowing on his way down the hall.
It dead-ended at a large room Neil dimly remembered from news clips. It was the room that opened into the stadium and the only place where the press could meet the Foxes after games for interviews and photographs. Orange benches were set here and there, and the floor was white tile with the same continuing orange paw prints. Orange cones were stacked in a corner, and a white door to Neil's right, with an orange door opposite him.
"Welcome to the foyer," Nicky said, pushing in. Neil stepped out of the way in time to avoid being brushed by an arm. "That's what we call it, anyway. By we, I mean whatever clever smartass preceded us."
Audrey straddled one of the benches, but it was Aaron who handed Kevin the pilfered whiskey. Kevin handed it to Audrey after his swallow, and Audrey pulled a few mouthfuls. Neil tried not to roll her eyes. If they were trying to be aloof and cool, they were failing miserably.
Kevin gestured to the plain door. "Gear closet."
"Can we-" Neil started, but Kevin was already talking.
"Bring your keys."
At the orange door, Neil let Kevin pick out the right key. Through the door was only darkness. No ceiling, but she could see the walls rising up on either side. She followed Kevin into the shadows, and realized they must be in the stadium itself.
"You get to see the Foxhole Court looking her best," Nicky said, apparently ever-present and ever-talking. "We made enough money off Kevin's presence that we could get the floors refurbished and the walls done. Cleanest this place has been since year one."
Neil decidedly didn't point out that year one hadn't even been five years ago, so how bad could it have been, but refrained. Light from the locker room bled into the stadium, and even in the darkness, Neil could tell that this place was already taking root in her soul.
She closed her eyes and breathed in, breathed out, imagining the way bodies sounded as they crashed into each other on the court, the way the announcer's voice would only come through in muffled, scattered bursts, the roar of thousands of people reacting to one goal. She knew she didn't deserve this, knew that beyond a doubt she wasn't good enough to play on this court, but she wanted and needed it so badly she ached all over. It was a real, palpable thing in her chest, tearing at her breaths until she gasped, ribs aching with the force of it against her bandages.
For three and a half weeks, it would be just the five of them, but in June, the Foxes would move in for summer practices and in August, the season would begin. Neil opened her eyes again, looked at the court, and knew she had made the right decision.
The risks didn't matter; the consequences would be worth it.
She had to be there. She had to play on this court at least once. She had to know if the crowd screamed loud enough to blow the roof off. She had to smell the sweat and overpriced stadium food. She needed to hear the buzzer sound as a ball slammed inside the white goal lines, and lit up the red.
One game, she promised herself. Whatever happened to her after would be worth it. Her father himself could be waiting in the showers after the first game, if he had to be, and it would be worth it.
She would play Exy.
"Oh," Nicky said, leaning against the wall a short ways down from Neil. "No wonder he chose you."
Neil looked at him, not understanding the words, not really listening when her mind was still racing with the game. Past Nicky was Kevin, who'd watched her father take a man apart and gone to sign with the national team anyway. Kevin was watching her, but the second their eyes met, he pointed back the way they'd come.
"Give him his gear."
The reality was immediately a heavy burden on her shoulders. Even with the new armor, and the racquet special ordered for her, she wasn't anywhere near good enough. Kevin's eyes were a blazing force, tearing her apart without words until long after the drills and half scrimmage with Nicky and Aaron and well off the court. She hauled the bucket of balls, but didn't feel done. She wanted to stay in the court as long as she could. Kevin had practically chosen her specifically, but she feared that as soon as she left, he would never let her on again.
Audrey sat up as the court door banged close behind them. The whiskey bottle was at her feet, lower than it had been earlier, but not by much. "About time."
"We're done now," Nicky said, reaching for the whiskey. "About time you stop drinking. Abby's going to beat me senseless if she realizes you've been drinking."
Audrey gave him a flat look, then ignored them as they made their way back to the locker room. Nicky mimed blowing his own brains out, and went with her. Neil meant to go after them, her pulse ratcheting up for a whole new reason, but she had made the mistake of looking at Kevin. Once she met Kevin's eyes, it was hard to look away again.
Kevin's expression was indecipherable. Whatever it was, though, it didn't look particularly happy. "This is going to be a very long season."
"I told you I wasn't ready."
"You also said you wouldn't play with me, but here you are."
Neil rolled her eyes, but the pressure had already built. He had glared and glared, but wasn't going to help her improve? He wasn't going to give her any advice other than an unhelpful comment? "That hasn't happened either. I don't know if you're blind, but I didn't see you out there on the court just barely. Aaron says you're too good to get on the court without Audrey, but I don't know if I believe that."
Kevin got right in her face, and tangled his fingers through the netting on Neil's racquet. When he started to pull it away, Neil held on tighter. She refused to let go. Kevin probably could have wrenched it away if he tried a little harder, but they were both apparently content holding onto it.
"If you can't play with me, you'll play for me. You're never going to get there on your own, so give your game to me."
"Where is there?" Neil asked.
"If you can't figure that out, then there's no helping you."
But she was already there, at the end of her angry rope. There was no relaxing, and there was no timid Neil Josten left. She was the person she was raised to be when she said, "apparently there's no helping me anyway. Why would I give my game to you if you don't even believe in me?"
Kevin glared, then reached up, and covered her eyes with his free hand. Neil jerked back, but with their grips on the racquet, Kevin yanked her back to keep covering her eyes. "Forget the stadium. Forget the Foxes, forget your useless high school team, and your family. See it the only way it really matters, where Exy is the only road to take. What do you see?"
Imagining life in such simplistic terms was so ridiculous Neil almost laughed. She kept the vicious twist of her mouth off her face through sheer willpower alone. She couldn't temper her words but she could always control her body. Still, something must have shown because he gave her racquet another hard tug.
"Focus."
So Neil tried, picturing the world as if Neil Josten was really all there had ever been and would be. It was almost enough to despise the persona when she could see him in such easy terms, but she swallowed that distaste and turned her mental gaze towards only Exy.
Had the game ever been hers, or had it been pulling her to this point? Exy was the only bright spot in her shattered childhood. She remembered her mother, bringing her to little league exy games, traveling an hour outside Baltimore to where no one knew her father, and the coaches would actually let her play. She remembered her mother cheering for her as if their every move and word wasn't scrutinized by gun-toting bodyguards. The memories were fragmented and dreamlike, distorted by the bloody reality of her father's work that hung over every scrap of memory she retained from childhood. Still, she clung to them. Demaccio and his looming presence or not, little league Exy was the only time she could remember her mother's smile.
That smile, even then, tasted like ash in her mouth. Like a car on a beach, and the overwhelming smell of smoke that didn't leave her nose for months after. She let go of the racquet one hand at a time to rub her hands on her pants, trying to rid herself from the wet stickiness that was suddenly there.
Neil didn't know how long she played with her little league team, but her hands remembered the weight of a racquet as well as they did that of a gun. She remembered the freedom it had been, the wings on her back that those small hours away from the house in Baltimore had given her.
It only put her right back at square one, back to the fact that Neil Josten was a fleeting existence. It was cruel to even dream she could stay like this. Yet. Kevin had escaped, hadn't he? The proof was right in front of her, covering her eyes. Somehow Kevin left that bloody room behind at Edgar Allan and had become this, and Neil wanted the same so badly she could taste it.
The only way forward, where the only thing that mattered was Exy in however long she managed to play it for before she would be walked to her horrible end, was in front of her.
"You," Neil said at last. Kevin pulled at her racquet, and this time, Neil let go.
"Tell me I can have your game."
It wouldn't do them any good, but Neil wouldn't get into that. The anger was gone, slipped away with the acceptance of her being Neil Josten. The monster, the terrible, cowering beast that had been under the thinnest layer of her skin, was locked back up where she belonged. There was only Neil Josten left, so she clung to her.
"Take it."
"Neil understands," Kevin said, dropping his hand and sending Audrey a pointed look.
Audrey gave her another assessing look that Neil was already tired of. Neil turned back to Kevin. "So will you play with me?"
"When you deserve it. You'll know when."
Neil flexed her jaw, but that was what she had been hoping for, wasn't it? She now had a goal, and she had Kevin. All she needed was to play, and this was that.
'Then let me keep practicing," Neil decided. "Let me run drills again. I'm still dressed, I might as well."
Oddly, Kevin again looked at Audrey. Audrey, who smirked. "He's a comedian."
"What?" Neil asked, confused. She reached for her racquet, but Audrey neatly plucked it out of Kevin's hands. Neil refused to acknowledge her. "I gave you my game, but you don't want me to play?"
"Kevin, we're going. I need food."
Kevin seemed reluctant, but still told Neil. "Change out and shower. Abby has a shower rule."
"I won't shower with the team."
"Good thing this isn't the team, then."
Neil rolled her eyes. Apparently, Kevin had given up completely because he handed her racquet back, and made his way to the locker room. Neil grimaced, finally following when she didn't have a choice. "I'll wait, and if you don't want to wait on me, then just go on ahead. I'll find my way there from here."
"Is Nicky going to be a problem for you?"
Neil didn't like Audrey following her so closely, but she liked the veiled warning even less. "It's not Nicky, it's about my privacy."
Audrey tilted her head. Neil was quickly becoming sure that any real expression of hers was only in the eyes. The way they narrowed was the only warning she got before Audrey said, "I broke into Coach's cabinet and read his files. What are you hiding? Bruises, or scars?"
Neil suddenly felt cold all over. "What did you just say?"
"Can't be bruises if your parents aren't around to beat you. It's gotta be scars, too."
"You had no right to read my file!"
She regretted not flipping open the folder when Wymack put it down at the stadium. She couldn't believe Hernandez had said such things in his letters to Wymack. The situation had to have been explained a little, to prove Neil was a fit for the Foxes' half-way house team, but she still felt that betrayal like ice down her spine, immediately followed by anger.
Audrey's smirk settled back into place. "I lied. We were locked in Coach Arizona's office to watch your game, and he said our secret meeting should be easy because you always shower last. Told Coach he still couldn't find your parents, so Coach asked if they'd be a problem, and Arizona said he didn't know, because he hadn't met them one single time. Said they spent a lot of time commuting to their jobs, and no time at all checking in on you. But I'm right, aren't I?"
Neil opened her mouth, then closed it before she could give Audrey a piece of her mind. She wanted her to react, so Neil had to reel it in. She was Neil Josten, and Neil Josten wouldn't react. That was what she had just decided. To keep Exy, she had to keep Neil. Instead, she gritted her teeth and counted to ten. Still, she only made it to five before Audrey interrupted.
"Showers aren't communal here. You can hide all your scars as much as you like. See for yourself if you don't believe me. I know you don't. That's probably for the best."
"You just lied to my face."
"And then I told you. I don't like liars."
"Then you should probably stay away from me."
"Coach put in stalls when he built the stadium. The board wouldn't pay for it– they didn't see the point –so it came out of Coach's own pocket. Hurry. Kevin hates waiting, and I'm hungry."
She was right. Neil didn't believe her, but it was better to investigate than to stay here and take a swing at her. Sure enough, the bathroom was as predicted. The sinks with their ceiling-high mirrors were the connecting section between the toilets and showers, and the showers were around the corner out of sight. She edged around for a quick look. Audrey was telling the truth. The walls were lined with stalls, tall enough to afford complete privacy and outfitted with locking doors.
"Weird, right?" Audrey said at Neil's ear. She hadn't heard her approach over the sound of Kevin and Nicky's showers. Lashing out was instinctive, but Audrey caught the elbow Neil would have slammed into her ribs. She laughed, and retreated a couple steps. "Coach never explained it, but it seems like you should be grateful. Only the best for his rising stars, right?"
"I didn't think Wymack recruited rising stars," Neil said, pushing past Audrey for her locker.
"No," she agreed. "The Foxes will never amount to anything."
Neil gathered her clothes and headed to the showers. She washed as quickly as she could, grimacing as she got dressed again. Despite the circulation from vents, the air was sticky and wet. Rewrapping the ace bandages around her chest was made even more difficult by the sticky humidity. She raked her fingers through her short hair as she met up with the cousins.
Nicky opened the back door to the car again, a clear sign for Neil to cram in the middle seat again, but Audrey snapped her fingers at them. "Neil, shotgun."
"I don't have to sit up front," Neil said, but the other three were already piling into the backseat, Kevin in the middle. She took her seat without another word.
Abigail Winfield lived in a one-story house about five minutes from campus. Dinner was a loud affair where Neil tried to say as little as possible. Abby seemed nice enough, one of the types she would have to keep an eye on so she didn't worry enough to alert anyone to her presence. Getting in Wymack's car around ten was the hardest thing Neil had done all day. Audrey was the biggest threat, but Neil had an ingrained distrust of men old enough to be her father. She spent the entire ride frozen and silent in the passenger seat, just how her father liked her. Maybe Wymack noticed the rigid set of her shoulders, because he said nothing until they were at the apartment.
"Are they going to be a problem?"
Neil shook her head, and discreetly stepped back as Wymack closed and locked the front door. "I'll figure it out."
"They don't understand boundaries," Wymack said. "If they cross a line and you can't get them to back off, you come to me. Understand? I don't have perfect control over Audrey, but Kevin owes us his life and I can get to Audrey through him."
Neil nodded and went down the hall to get her bag from Wymack's desk. It'd been locked up all day, but she unloaded it onto the couch anyway to check her things. The second her hands closed over the binder at the bottom, her heart kicked into overdrive. She wanted to go through it and make sure everything was there, but Wymack was watching from the doorway.
"You plan on wearing the same six outfits over and over again this year?"
"Eight," Neil said without thinking, then, "Yes."
Wymack arched an eyebrow at her but didn't push it. "Laundry room is in the basement, then. Detergent is in the bathroom cabinet under the sink. Use what you need, and take what you want from the kitchen. You look like you need it. It'll piss me off more if you act like a skittish stray cat than it will if you eat the last bowl of cereal."
"Yes, Coach."
"I've got paperwork to go over. You good?"
"I'm going to go running."
Wymack nodded, then left. Neil set her running pants to one side, and stuffed her sleeping pants and tee under the couch for later. She changed in the bathroom and went around Wymack to lock up her bag again. He didn't even look up from the papers he was perusing, though he grunted what might have been a goodbye as Neil left again. Neil locked the door behind herself, stuffed the keys into the bottom of her pocket, and took the stairs down to the ground level.
She didn't know where she was, nor where she was going, but that was alright. If she gave her feet a direction, they would take her running past all her thoughts, and she was happy to let them.
Chapter 2: southeastern district
Notes:
i truly forgot how annoying these fuckers are in tfc so we're in this together. the timeline also immediately vacates the canon one because neil is a bitch who speaks her mind just a little more. i would too if i was binding constantly and had to be around kevin day all day every day. anyway, most of this is pulled straight from the book so credit to nora sakavic. all mistakes are my own. hope u like it!!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil spent the following morning exploring the campus and memorizing its layout in the same running outfit from the night before. When she was sure she knew her way around, she left school grounds and went for an even longer run. Gradually she looped her way back around. She had an hour to stretch out and each lunch before meeting the others at the stadium, and she made sure to show up early enough to change in private. The bandages around her chest had never been a problem in Millport, and she wasn't about to let her breasts reveal her if Kevin didn't recognize her. Besides, they were hers alone to know about.
When the others arrived, Neil was already waiting for them on the court. She watched as Kevin propelled Audrey towards the home goal, but couldn't hear what he was saying to her. Aaron and Nicky scattered balls down the first-fourth line, and Nicky rolled a couple Neil's way. Neil spaced them out at half court around herself. They started with drills, some of which Neil practiced yesterday, and a few more she didn't know. The exercises gradually increased in difficulty, and Neil grimaced a little as Audrey deflected every single shot Neil aimed her way. At least neither Nicky nor Aaron could score, but Kevin landed almost a third of his shots. It was a poor show from a former national champion, but it was also intensely humbling as Kevin had grown up playing left-handed. Seeing him take on Audrey right-handed was ballsy enough. Seeing him actually score was surreal.
Kevin kicked them off the court for a water break after an hour and a half of drills, but instead of following the backliners the locker room, he stayed behind with Audrey to keep practicing. Since Kevin was staying, Neil decided to keep running the drill she was working on.
No matter how confusing it seemed to Neil, it was becoming clear that Audrey didn't care. A third of Kevin's shots were being blocked, but Neil could tell, even from her spot across the court, that she wasn't trying. It was what she had heard about the goalkeeper before, perfectly displayed before her. Every ball Kevin launched from his right hand and scored felt like the core of Exy. Not to Audrey, though. She was unphased and uncaring.
Neil wondered what it would take to get her to care.
Kevin kicked her off the court too with an admonishment about her health that Neil barely heard. She wandered out of the plexiglass over to where Aaron and Nicky were grouped around the drinking fountain. Nicky waved at her.
"We were just talking about you!"
Neil gave him a raised eyebrow, dipping to drink.
"I think you should stop staring at Kevin so much. You're making me fear for your life over here. Audrey is scary territorial of him. She punched me the first time I said I'd like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight." Nicky pointed at his face, presumably where Audrey had decked him. "So yeah, I'm going to crush on safer targets until Audrey gets bored of him and goes back to obsessing over her bartender. That means you, since Matt's taken, and I don't hate myself enough to try Seth. Congrats."
Neil was so caught off guard, she almost told Nicky she was a girl right then and there. Aaron was already speaking, though, so she fortunately let that thought drop immediately.
"Can you take the creepyness down a level?"
"What?" Nicky asked. "He said he doesn't swing, so obviously he needs a push."
"I don't need a push," Neil said. "I'm fine on my own."
"Seriously, how are you not bored of your hand by now?"
Neil wrinkled her nose. "I'm done with this conversation. This one, and every future variation. I told you I don't swing, and I don't want to. I have no problem with your sexuality, but I'm here to play. All I want from any of you is the best you can give me on the court. That's it. Stop being creepy towards me, because you wouldn't want me anyway."
The stadium door slammed open as Audrey showed up at last. She swept them with a flat look. "Kevin's bitching. What's taking so long?"
"Nicky's scheming to rape Neil," Aaron said succinctly. "There are a couple flaws in his plan he needs to work out first, but he'll get there sooner or later."
"You're such an asshole," Nicky said, but Neil noted with an unpleasant sensation that he wasn't denying it.
"Nicky," Audrey said, warningly.
"Can you really blame me?" Nicky glanced back at Neil as he said it. He only took his eyes off Audrey for a second, but that was long enough for her to lunge at him. Audrey caught Nicky's jersey in one hand, and threw him hard against the wall. Neil had been offhandedly wondering how her size worked with her reputation, and now she knew. Nicky grunted at the impact, but made no move to shove her off when she leaned up against him. Neil looked from Nicky to Aaron, but Aaron appeared unmoved and unsurprised by the sudden violence. Neil looked back at Audrey and waited.
"Nicky. Don't touch him, you understand?" Audrey said in what was almost crooning German.
"You know I'd never hurt him. If he says yes–"
"I said no. So did he."
"Jesus, you're greedy," Nicky said. "You already have Kevin. Why do you–"
Nicky went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Audrey had a short knife pressed to his jersey. Where she had pulled it from, Neil didn't know, but she refused to think Audrey wore them onto the court under her uniform. There had to be rules against that. The last thing Neil wanted was for Audrey to stab someone in the middle of the game. They would be banned from the league before the knife was even out of her victim.
"Nicky," Audrey repeated. "He said no."
Then that was it. Neil was no stranger to violence, and knew that now Audrey had laid her law, that would be it. Aaron also seemed to realize this, because he was first out of the room, with Neil behind.
They knocked on the court wall before entering. Kevin barely waited for them to stop at his side before dividing everyone up with a flick of his fingers. "Aaron is with me. Nicky and Audrey get the child. Two-man team scrimmage with an empty away goal."
"I'm not a child." Neil said. "You're only a year older than I am." Two, really, but she wasn't about to tell them she had lied about her birthday, let alone her age.
Kevin ignored that, but Nicky spoke up. "Shouldn't Audrey be with you and Aaron? Then Neil can practice shooting on her?"
Kevin looked bored by the very suggestion. "If I thought he could make it to the goal, I would have set it up that way."
"Them's fighting words," Nicky said, grinning at Neil. He was apparently over his lesson in the locker room. For his sake, Neil hoped he could stick to it. Audrey seemed all too happy to stab her own cousin. "Bring it, kid."
Neil did not, in fact, bring it. The only reprieves she got were when Kevin left to chew Audrey out, trying to get her to play in any form it seemed. Audrey hardly moved from her relaxed position for the hour they worked, goalie stick slumped to the side as she half-leaned on it.
It must have been the combination of Neil and Audrey to push Kevin over the edge, because he finally kicked Nicky and Aaron off the court.
"Ball," he said, and Audrey tossed it over. Kevin pushed it against Neil's chest until she took it. "You stay here and fire on Audrey until she's tired. Maybe you'll score once."
Audrey said nothing, but finally pulled her racquet into position. Despite herself, Neil smiled. Gloved hands too big to drag the smile off on her own, she dug the thing into her helmet as she dragged a bucket of balls to the foul line. The first long swing of Audrey's racquet hit the ball so hard Neil heard it bounce off the away court wall behind her. Neil looked over her shoulder, then took another ball from the bucket and tried again.
There was something about it. Something about firing ball after ball, knowing that no matter how hard she tried, she would never score on Audrey. She didn't know how to stop. She kept going long after her arms started burning, because she didn't know to stop. The pain eventually faded in favor of a heavy sense of numbness. She knew Audrey should be tired by now, since Audrey had such a heavy racquet and was hitting every ball like she wanted to score a home run, but she didn't even slow down.
Neil knew she had gone too far when she took a swing and lost her grip entirely on her racquet. Audrey pushed free of the goal as the fallen racquet clattered her way. She knocked the ball directly at Neil, who only had time to throw up an arm for it to bounce off.
"Let's go." Audrey said.
"No," Neil said. "I want to stay."
"Oh, no. You just blew out your arms, you're not staying."
Neil rolled her eyes. "I know that."
Audrey paused for a beat, then pushed past Neil, only barely not touching her on her way out. When she was sure all four of them were gone, Neil tugged her arms up into stretches that made her whole body tremble. She painstakingly cleaned the court. Her arms were throbbing as she peeled her armor off, leaving it in a heap. On the outer court, Neil started jogging.
She had gone far too hard today in stupid determination. She knew that. She had known that as it was happening, but it had at least burned away the last of her anger from yesterday. For once, as her court shoes echoed in the massive stadium, her head was quiet. It was the only reward for being a fucking idiot. If she didn't control herself, and didn't take it one step at a time there would be no way she was able to play by the time August rolled around.
Neil was an idiot.
Panting through her nose and mouth like her mother had taught her, she didn't know how long it had been. Her arms had gone completely numb, finally, but that didn't tell her shit about the time. Neil stumbled, barely managing to keep her feet under her if she wasn't running. She took wobbling steps all the way out to the drinking fountain.
No matter how numb her body was, each time she raised her arms to get out of her jersey, her arms pulsed badly enough to send black crackling through her vision. The bandages around her chest that she had intentionally wrapped looser today could have been a metal vice for how much they were restricting her breathing. Alone in the shower stall, she finally tugged completely free of them, gasping full breaths for the first time all day.
She knew she was an idiot, and stupid, and everything that Audrey and Kevin were going to tell her that she was. It didn't mean anything, though. She would blow her arms out every day against those two if it meant she could just play her one game.
The hot water didn't seem like it was going to ever run out. Once she had massaged some kind of feeling back into her fingertips, she shut the shower off and changed back into her running clothes.
Kevin was in the changing room. He scowled, of course, and finished tugging his shirt off. "What are you still doing here?"
"I was running. What are you doing here?"
"Night practice."
"Couldn't get enough of it during the day? No one was forcing you to leave."
"People have to eat. Speaking of, Wymack's probably still waiting."
"Why night practice, though? Just so you can practice alone?"
"Alone for now. You'll practice with me too, eventually."
"Why not now?"
"You set off Audrey unnecessarily. She says I can't be alone with you, and she won't let me bring you with me until after she takes you to Eden's. I already asked."
"And you always do what Audrey says?"
"She is the only reason I can stay here, so yes. Now, shut up and get out of here. You need to sleep and eat, especially after blowing your arms out like that."
Neil obediently left the changing room, just to find Audrey. With the half warning Kevin had already mentioned, Neil was on alert for Audrey. She wasn't expecting the shove against the wall, and what Neil immediately recognized as the tip of a knife digging into her shirt. It was a spot that wouldn't puncture her heart, but might get a lung. Neil immediately smashed all panic, and met Audrey's gaze.
"I set you off early?"
"You're a threat," Audrey confirmed. Her eyes were colder than they had been yet, but they both knew Neil's arms were blown. They both knew that if Audrey wanted Neil dead, she would be. If Neil wanted to hurt Kevin, tonight wouldn't have been the night.
"I'm not going to hurt Kevin."
"You have said nothing but lies since you got here yesterday. Why would I start listening now?"
"I want to play exy. That's all I'm here for."
"And yet, Kevin seems to be a problem for you."
"Kevin is an asshole, but he's the only chance I have of getting good enough to play here."
"Exy isn't everything."
"It is to me."
"Why?"
"It's all I have."
Audrey made a disgusted sound, and backed off. Neil took as full a breath as she could get with her bindings, closing her eyes for one moment. There wasn't a knife touching her anymore. The knife wasn't touching her. She wasn't hurt.
"You said you have to throw me a welcome party before you can trust me. Why wait?"
Audrey tilted her head to the side, clearly waiting. Neil gritted her teeth. "Abby will revoke your stadium if she finds out. What if she doesn't find out?"
"You want me to do my worst to you? Do you want to know what happened last time? Matt Boyd spent a month in rehab after he relapsed from speedballs that I gave him."
"Why?"
"I needed him clean. He was a bad influence on Aaron."
"And Nicky stealing Coach's pain meds isn't?"
Audrey's eyes flashed. "Don't speak about things you know nothing about."
"I would hardly say I know nothing, seeing as I watched him steal the pills as soon as you were out of the room. Something tells me Aaron didn't just have his eyes shut during the whole thing."
"My family is my concern not yours. Don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong."
"Then take me to Eden's."
This seemed to give her pause, before she said, "Kevin told you."
"I'm not addicted to anything, and I have no intention of hurting Kevin. It should be an easy night for you."
"You may be able to lie to Abby, but you're staying with Coach. How are you going to get away with staying a night somewhere else when he and Abby gossip like old ladies?"
"I'm supposed to be the threat, aren't I? If you don't believe that I mean no harm to Kevin, figure it out."
"You think just because your parents hit you a little means I'm less scary? Are you suddenly not afraid of me? Trust me when I say whatever your parents put you through that's made you decide you're not scared of me, it's nothing compared to what I can do with this knife."
Neil pushed all thoughts of her father from her mind, trying to keep on task. Thoughts of her father didn't mix well with a knife being so close already.
"Feel my pulse."
Audrey squinted at her, but took her proffered wrist all the same, fingers warm against the pounding blood under her skin.
"I never said I wasn't afraid, you can feel that I am; I said Exy is all I have. I am going to die, but I want to play before then."
"And you'll do anything?"
"Not speedballs."
Audrey didn't speak for a moment, then slipped her knife back under her armband. So that's where the sheaths were. Neil immediately thought how uncomfortable it would be to keep them there. Did it not limit movement?
"Is that your slow attempt at suicide, or do you actually have sheathes built into those?" Neil couldn't help asking.
"Yes."
"How many knives do you carry?"
"Enough."
"What happens if a referee catches you with a weapon on the court? I think that's a little more serious than a red card. You'd probably get arrested, and they might even suspend our entire team until they think they can trust us again. Then what?"
"I'd grieve forever." Audrey dead-panned.
"Why do you hate this game so much?"
Audrey sighed, as if Neil was being purposefully obtuse. "I don't care enough about Exy to hate it. It's just slightly less boring than living is, so I put up with it for now."
"I don't understand."
Audrey gave her a blank look, and Neil responded in kind. Again, Audrey sighed.
"Next Saturday, you'll come out with us. We'll throw you that welcome party you're so eager for, as long as you think you can keep it quiet from Coach and Abby. If you can't, and Kevin gets banned from the court, you'll tell them how it was all your idea."
"Alright."
Audrey scanned her face, then nodded. "Get out of here. You won't be of any use to anyone with those arms."
Neil, something close to satisfaction glowing in her chest under the fear, felt close to smiling. She gave Audrey her same two fingered mocking salute. "Night, Minyard."
Wymack was indeed waiting when she got back. Neil was immediately met with his voice, though he wasn't looking at her. He was scrubbing at what was presumably a dish, but Neil couldn't see it over the lip of the sink.
"Kevin called hours ago to tell me you wouldn't be on the court tomorrow, and that I should entertain you with clips of past games. He said you tried to blow your arms out against Audrey. I said you weren't that stupid. Which one of us is right?"
Neil grimaced, but it was too late in the night to argue. She just wanted to sleep. "I blew them."
Wymack turned, and stalked toward Neil with a snarled, "You idiot."
Retreating from a furious older man was so instinctive, Neil didn't realize she'd flinched until Wymack froze. Still, Neil pressed herself against the door, chest heaving until her ribs were straining against their wrappings, her hand scrabbling for the knob. Wymack's face went almost dangerously blank, and Neil dropped her gaze entirely. She was careful not to look away from him entirely, though. She needed to see when he started moving again. She waited for him to say something, clenching the handle with all the force she had coiled in her body, ignoring the way her hand shook. After an endless, brittle silence, she realized Wymack wasn't going to speak until she did.
"Today was my mistake," she said, quietly, swallowing over the impending panic. "It won't happen a second time."
Wymack didn't answer. He didn't come closer, either. At length, he pointed at the ground in front of him. "Come here."
Neil put all her focus in not outwardly shaking as she went to stand in front of Wymack. She was within arm's reach, despite her mind screaming at her about it, but just barely. She'd perfected that trick as a kid. She could look at anyone's arms and judge the safe distance from them in a heartbeat. If they had to move to hit her, to touch her, to put their hands where she didn't want them, she always had enough time to dodge. She could avoid the full force of their blow, or the full grip of hot, wanting hands like this.
"Look at me," Wymack said. "Right now."
Neil flinched again, but managed to drag her stare up from his chest to his face. His face was still too blank for Neil to feel safe. She knew better than to look away again.
"I want you to understand something," Wymack said. "I am a loud, grouchy old man. I like to yell, and throw things but I don't throw punches unless provoked or punched first. I have never, ever hit someone without provocation. I'm sure as hell not going to start with you. You hear me?"
Neil didn't believe him for a second, but she obediently said, "I understand."
"I'm serious," Wymack said. "Don't you dare be more afraid of me than you are of Audrey."
Neil could have told him it was his age that made him such a problem, but she didn't think Wymack wanted to hear that. There was no solution to that problem. "Yes, Coach."
Wymack gestured over his shoulder, then stepped aside. "I already ate. Leftovers are in the fridge. I'll take care of the dishes, you take care of you."
Neil nodded once, a jerky, obedient thing from her past, and skirted to the fridge. She ate to the sound of the vacuum, and clinking dishes. Wymack was in his office by the time Neil was done, and she retired to the couch as quickly as possible. She wanted to get her back to go through her folder, to hold her things close, but she didn't want to get into Wymack's personal space again. Instead, she stared at the ceiling until she fell into a fitful sleep.
It only took the next three days for Neil to decide she would never meet Kevin's standards. By the end of the week, she was seeing Kevin's look of cool disapproval every time she blinked. Half of the time, she didn't know what she was doing wrong and the other half, she couldn't change. She clocked a faster mile than any of them, but they were better and stronger than she was. She wondered how much of it was genetic predisposition, but honestly, that was her lamest excuse. Kevin knew Neil was inexperienced, but he didn't forgive Neil for the mistakes. Neil didn't want any pity, but she did want understanding. When she caved, and asked Nicky for advice on how to deal with Kevin, Nicky only smiled, and said, "I warned you."
It did nothing for Neil's fraying patience. Luckily, being angry at herself and loathing Kevin's condescending version of coaching meant she didn't have time or the energy to be afraid. At the end of every day, exhausted and collapsing onto Wymack's chest, the persistent knowledge that at the end of it all, she would get to play Exy in the Foxhole Court made it all bearable.
Fortunately, Kevin still showed no signs of recognizing her. Neil wondered how much of it was the fact that Neil Josten was a boy. How could Kevin recognize her as the girl who had played with him as a kid when she wasn't even a girl to him? All Kevin cared about was how short Neil fell on his court– and as far as Neil could tell, it was shorter and shorter by the day. Kevin might have hated her more every day, but was equally as infatuated by the idea of pulling the talent out of her.
A week of Kevin's scornful dismissals and rude commentary wore away at Neil's resolve to take it easy. She didn't care if she blew out her arms again if it meant Kevin would stop treating her like she was an incompetent preschooler.
Still, everything was for Exy, from her early morning to the hours clocked at the gym, focusing on building her upper body strength, to the afternoon scrimmages and drills she practiced alone until Kevin showed back up for night practices, to the longer run she took in the evenings that had her looping and lengthening to get back to Wymack's apartment. No matter what she did, she was always too slow. Each night, she went to sleep in so much pain she could barely change for bed. By the time the Saturday Audrey had claimed was approaching, she could barely sleep because she was too busy analyzing the day's mistakes.
Thursday night, she cast aside her blanket in disgust and left the apartment. It was pitch black out, probably somewhere around two in the morning, and it was just cool enough that she should've changed out of pajama pants. She warmed up quickly as she set off for Palmetto State.
Kevin was going at it, still. Slicked with sweat, so fierce and merciless that Neil almost forgave him. Kevin was more demanding of himself than he was of anyone around him. He set his standards impossibly high, and tried for them with everything he had. He didn't understand why others wouldn't do the same.
Neil snorted. Too bad he was an asshole who was allergic to tact.
Audrey's eyes were a familiar weight as soon as Neil pushed into the stadium. She didn't know night practices ran this long. Equal annoyance and excitement ran through her at the idea of joining him after Saturday. She wandered over to Audrey, never meeting the gaze cast her way, but it was intense enough to set her nerves on edge with its weight anyway.
"Won't you play with him?" Neil asked.
"No."
"I think he would benefit more if you did."
"And?"
Neil slowly looked over to her. She was in the same kind of clothes she had been last time Neil had found them here late. Her baggy t-shirt and sweatpants left the armbands on display again. She was slouched in a seat, feet propped up on the next seat, head tucked against the plastic back. Audrey knew what Neil was looking at, though. She tucked two fingers into the band on her opposite arm and slid free a long, slim blade. Metal glinted in the overhead lights as she pushed it back under the cloth a few seconds later.
"You should sharpen those."
Audrey turned her gaze back to Kevin, so Neil switched directions, pulling her memory back to a week ago. It was something that had been bothering her since.
"You don't care enough about Exy to hate it, so I doubt you like it either. Still, isn't it at least satisfying?"
"You're right that I don't like it. Something as pointless as this game can never be fun."
"Pointless? But you have real talent."
"Flattery is uninteresting and gets you nowhere."
"It's hardly flattery if it's something you don't even like, apparently. I'm just stating facts. You're selling yourself short. You could be something if only you'd try."
"Kevin says you'll be a champion. Four years and you'll go pro. Five years and you'll be Court, he says. He promised Coach. He promised the school board. He argued until they signed off on you."
Blood rushed through her ears. She took a seat at the end of Audrey's row, trying to make sense of her words. She had to be lying. Kevin couldn't have said such things, least of all about her. Kevin could barely stand to be on the same court with her, as far as she could tell. What good did it do Audrey to say such obvious lies? Was she trying to rile Neil up?
"Kevin finally got the okay to sign on you, and you hit the ground running." Audrey said, ignoring whatever panic Neil must have been clearly displaying. "Curious that a man with so much potential, who has so much fun, and who could supposedly be something wouldn't want any of it."
"What do you mean?"
"You told me you'll die if you play here. Are you our next Janie Smalls? You'll get your fill of playing and then slit your wrists?"
Neil snorted at the very idea of suicide. No, she and Mary had worked far, far too hard to survive just to end it, even if it was on her terms.
"Playing here will get me killed one way or another. That's what I meant. It's not rocket science."
"Then why?"
"Why what?"
"Why run away in Millport? This is everything you could want."
It was simple. If Audrey couldn't see that Neil simply didn't want to die, then that was on her. Yet, if Audrey was telling the truth, then Kevin had definitely lied to all of them. She could only guess at one reason why he would go to such great lengths: maybe Kevin remembered her after all, and was saying whatever he had to in order to recruit Neil. But if that was so, how much did Kevin know? How much did he understand, or even remember about what happened eight years ago? Did he know Neil's name? Did he know what that name meant?
"You're lying," Neil said at last, because that had to be the truth. Everything else made no sense. "Kevin hates me. He would never say that. He tells me that every time I even go near him."
"Or you hate him," Audrey said. "I can't decide. Your loose ends aren't adding up."
"I'm not a math problem."
"But I'll still solve you."
Neil got up without another word. Kevin was gathering his balls, finished with practice. When Kevin started for the door, Audrey moved to follow behind Neil. She heard cloth rustle and Audrey's soft footsteps on the stairs as he came down to inner court.
"You are a conundrum," Audrey said.
Neil felt oddly pleased. "Thank you."
"No, thank you, " Audrey said as she slipped past Neil without looking back. "I needed a new toy to play with. Let's just hope you don't break when I take you to Eden's."
"Good thing I'm not a toy."
"I guess we'll see about that."
Kevin had his helmet off as soon as the court door closed behind him. He looked right past Audrey to Neil. Neil stared back at him, searching for the truth on Kevin's face; she looked for some reason behind Audrey's big words. Kevin couldn't have heard their conversation all the way out on the court, but Neil still expected him to call Neil by her real name anyway, and go tearing her whole facade down with it.
Instead, Kevin said, "Why are you here?"
"Couldn't sleep. Wanted to practice."
"As if it will help you any."
It was rude, but exactly what Neil was looking for. Exactly what she wanted and needed to hear. Audrey had lied. Neil could breathe a bit easier as she watched Kevin set the bucket of balls on the ground at his feet. Kevin set his racquet and helmet on the home bench to undo his gloves and arm guards. Audrey took them as Kevin peeled them off, tucking the gloves under her arm, and looping her fingers through the straps of the guards. She snagged Kevin's helmet by the grating, and watched Kevin collect his racquet again.
"Audrey?" Kevin asked.
She didn't answer him, only starting for the locker room.
Neil didn't watch them leave. She sat on the home bench, and stared at the court, listening to the door close behind Kevin. She reached over and picked a ball out of the bucket, turning it over and over in her hands.
"Court," she whispered, feeling the shape of it in her mouth.
She gave herself a violent shake.
She mentally retraced her steps backwards, squeezing the ball until her fingers ached. She went to Arizona, to the empty houses and the stale school lunches being her only meal for months on end. She went across Nevada, back to California. There were the black sands beach along California's lost coast where her mother finally gave up the near decade long fight. Neil hadn't even realized she'd been injured so badly after running into her father in Seattle. Mary had bled most of the way through Oregon, but Neil hadn't thought it was serious. She hadn't known she was bleeding out on the inside, a kidney and liver ruptured, with her intestines probably bruised beyond repair as well.
Neil didn't know when Mary figured it out, if she had known by Portland that something was seriously wrong, but was too scared to stop, or if she hadn't seen her death coming until they crossed the California border and she started having to fight for fits of consciousness. Mary should have gone to a hospital, but she had turned them down the treacherous path to the lost coast instead. They stopped six feet from the tide, and made Neil repeat every promise she had ever dragged out of her: don't look back, don't slow down, and don't trust anyone. Be anyone but herself, and never be anyone for too long.
By the time Neil understood that she was saying goodbye, it was far, far too late.
Mary Hatford died gasping for one more breath, panting with something that might have been words, or her daughter's name, or just plain fear. Neil could still feel her fingernails digging into her arms as she fought not to slip away, and the memory left her shaking all over. Of all the scars on her body, only the faintest were from her mother. She wished those fingernails had left a mark, had left marks when yanking on her hair or left a permanent red mark on her cheek from slaps long gone. Instead, Neil was scarred with the way Mary's abdomen had felt like stone when she touched it, swollen and hard. She tried pulling her mother from her seat only once, but the sound of her dried blood ripping off the vinyl like velcro had nearly killed Neil too.
Even the memory of the sound had Neil dry heaving and pressing her hand to her mouth.
She burned the car instead, dumping every emergency case of gasoline they'd brought along the way onto the seats so it'd scorch her down to the bone. She hadn't cried when the flames caught, and she hadn't flinched when she pulled her mother's cooling bones out either. Neil, then Alex, had filled her backpack with everything that was left of her, carried her two miles down the beach, and buried her as deep as she could. Neil's hands were bloody remnants of flesh barely covering the bones of her fingers, scraped raw by digging and then some by the time Mary was in the ground. She had simply stuffed her hands, wet with blood and gasoline and sticky with whatever she had pulled out of the car, into her pockets. By the time she found the highway again, she was completely numb with shock. She lasted another day or two before she fell to her knees on the roadside and puked her guts out.
Mary was gone, and Neil was alone.
Somehow she had made it to San Francisco, but she only stayed a day before setting off for Millport. She took it one step, one mile, and one day at a time because anything else was too much for her to handle her grief. Neil spent most of that trek in a state that she could hardly remember, anything that made it through the blurry haze of emotions tinged with a desperation that made her nauseous to even think about. She did remember, though, every time she stuck her hands in her pockets. No matter how many changes of pants she had, no matter how many times she washed her hands, they felt wet and sticky.
There was only her, and the metal of her gun, always warm from it constantly being tucked against her skin. It had saved her, that cold night trapped in the back of a bus in Stockton, when she had shot the three men dead. Nothing after their hands and their mouths was a firm enough memory until Millport.
Neil stared at the court in front of her, and flexed her sticky hands open. She swallowed once, twice, then three times against the vomit creeping up her throat. This was why Wymack's contract, Kevin's ambitions, and Audrey's words mean nothing in the end. It didn't matter what they offered or promised her. Neil wasn't like them. She was nothing, and no one, and she always would be.
Court was never for people like her.
She didn't even exist. She had stopped existing, dying with her mother. Dying with the only person who would remember who she really had been.
Neil would take what she could learn and enjoy it while she could, but she always knew that this was a dream that she would have to wake up from eventually. Wanting anything more than that would just make it harder to walk away.
Her words to Audrey rang in her head again.
It would almost be worth it to stay here. To ignore Mary's rules and stay until they found her.
Even at the very thought, she had to clap a hand to her mouth and run to vomit. The cool porcelain of the toilet was the only relief, and she was grateful for the smell of bleach from the recent janitor visit.
She got to her shaky feet eventually, making sure Kevin and Audrey were really gone before she changed into her uniform and headed to court for drills. She wore out whatever little strength she had left, putting every thought she had into the moves she was making so she couldn't think about the Foxes or Court or her past. When she was finally done and had cleaned everything up, it was after dawn. She was too tired to go back to Wymack's, and knew she would just get back when Wymack was watching the morning news anyway, so she showered and redressed, then fell asleep on one of the lounge couches.
Neil woke up again around noon, and headed back to the apartment. Her keys got her into the building, but Wymack's door was unlocked again. Neil considered bringing up Wymack's lax security with the coach, and then forgot all about it when she overheard Wymack and Kevin's conversation.
She eavesdropped all the way until Wymack stepped into the hallway and immediately spotted her. Neil was still reeling from Kevin's tantrum, of his ability to yell at a man so much older than him, so she didn't even move. Wymack ignored her for the moment, and disappeared into the kitchen. Surely he was in a bad mood. Surely he would come out and hurt her. She recognized the sound of the liquor cabinet by then, the click of the lock and the soft clink of the glass doors. Wymack returned with a handle of vodka and dropped it off with Kevin. Back to the hallway, Neil pointed a shaking thumb over her shoulder at the door in question.
"I wasn't going to tell anyone else until June," Wymack said, after closing the apartment door. Neil checked for stray eavesdroppers, but the other doors were closed. "How much did you hear?"
"Kevin's having a nervous breakdown," Neil said. "I don't know why."
"Edgar Allan put in a transfer request with the ERC and it was approved this morning. They're part of the southeastern district effective the first of June."
It took a minute for the words to click. Neil's stomach bottomed out. It had been hard enough facing Kevin in Arizona, and he hadn't recognized her then. How could Neil risk meeting Riko, too? Just because Kevin didn't remember Neil didn't mean Riko wouldn't either. Neil didn't want to find out the hard way if Riko had the better memory of the two.
"No," Neil managed. "That's impossible."
"Not really. They're the only NCAA Exy team in West Virginia, so it was as easy as a vote and a couple signatures."
"But we can't play the Ravens. What sane board pits the best and worst teams against each other?"
"One that knows there's a lot to gain from it," Wymack said. "Kevin's transfer created a lot of backlash, but it also generated a lot of new interest in Exy. The ERC wants to follow it through to the natural conclusion and make Kevin and Riko reunite on the court but as rivals. They don't give a fuck who wins. They know what publicity and funding they can score with such a move."
"I can't play against Riko," Neil said.
"Riko isn't your problem," Wymack said. "Leave him to Matt. Your problem is getting around his backliners and goalkeeper."
"Can't you protest? They're setting us up for a match everyone knows we can't win."
"I could, but it won't do any good. The ERC doesn't to take-backs, and especially when it means spurning a Moriyama." Wymack raked a hand through his hair. "There's something you need to know about the Moriyamas, but I didn't want to have this conversation with you yet. Jesus. I wanted you to settle in a bit more, or at least hoped you'd get to know the team better before I dropped this on you. Now that the ERC is forcing my hand, I don't have a lot of choices.
"What I'm going to tell you is an open secret. That is, the Foxes know it but no one outside our team does. It has to stay that way no matter what. People could get hurt if this gets out. People could die."
Neil waved a hand to the rest of the hallway. "What about them?
"I'm the only one on this floor," Wymack said. "They built this complex around the same time we started construction on the Foxhole Court. Thought our team would be something, and people would want to live in the area to be close to the stadium for games. Then we couldn't perform, so the apartments didn't fill. The lower floors are pretty full, and the middle floors get rented out during football season, but the top two floors are pretty bare. And no, you can't break into any of them, so don't even think about it."
Neil let that accusation go without comment. She very much could break into any of them, thank you. "You're stalling, Coach."
Wymack folded his arms across his chest, and stared hard at Neil. "Do you know why Kevin came to Palmetto State?"
"He broke his hand. Couldn't play, and transferred here as an assistant coach. I assumed he was following Audrey."
"I brought him here," Wymack said. "He showed up at my hotel room at winter banquet with his hand a bloody mess. He didn't want us to notify the Ravens or take him to a hospital, so Abby bandaged him up as best she could and I put him on the bus back to South Carolina with us."
"That doesn't make sense," Neil said. "How'd he get from the ski resort to your hotel?"
"He wasn't in the mountains," Wymack said. "It's all bullshit. It was no accident."
Neil stared blankly at him, and Wymack gave a short nod before explaining. Neil's eyes widened impossibly as he spoke, and all the pieces that had been missing between words in the articles crammed into Neil's binder all started to make sense in the worst, twisted way.
"Why doesn't anyone else know what Riko did?" Neil finally asked.
"Because Riko is a Moriyama, and this is where it starts getting messy."
Yet as he continued, Neil thought that it maybe wasn't so messy after all. Not to Neil. Not to someone who had been raised with the Butcher's playground of a basement beneath her feet at all times. Wymack let her go after confirming the rest of the present Foxes' schedules with her.
She took the stairs back down to the ground level, feeling oddly settled with the new information while fighting the sinking feeling of horror in her chest. She had thought it would be awful if Kevin remembered the girl with the murderous father, but this was worse. This was Kevin possibly remembering that the girl when Kevin belonged to an equally horrific family. Neil didn't remember the Moriyamas, but they'd definitely remember her if they had done business with her father.
The Butcher of Baltimore wasn't a man easily forgotten.
Neither was his wife, who had stolen five million dollars the night she ran away with the Butcher's only child. The Butcher turned his people inside-out for years hunting them down. All his contacts would have heard of it, including each and every one of the Moriyamas.
Somewhere the ERC was reworking and finalizing a schedule that put the Moriyamas in Neil's near future. She would quit before that match. She had no choice. She'd play up until their Ravens game, and then run. If she was lucky, the match would come at the end of the fall season so she wouldn't jeopardize the striker line too much by taking off.
It felt like her words to Audrey were immediately coming back to bite her.
She could never make Court now. Neil Josten would be long forgotten by the time Kevin was making court again, let alone her. She would likely be dead.
It was stupid and suicidal to stay even that long Neil knew she should go now. She should turn right back around, grab her duffel, and leave Palmetto forever. Leave before she met her teammates, or the ERC publicized her name, or she ever stepped on a court with Kevin Day. it'd seemed an acceptable risk before, since none of her father's people were into sports. So she had thought.
That was a big fat fucking lie.
Neil had grown up wondering why Kevin and Riko were in that room eight years ago, and how they'd overcome it. She had wondered why their luck and circumstances were so different that they could become international stars while Neil's life spiraled so quickly out of control. She'd hated and worshiped them all her life, jealous of their successes and desperate for them to excel. Now it seemed she had been so, so very wrong.
Kevin hadn't escaped either.
No matter what they did, or who they became, maybe neither of them would.
Neil shoved the stairwell door open so forcefully it banged against the wall, and was running before she was even halfway across the lobby. She hit full speed before she reached the street, going so fast she was nearly falling over, but this time, she couldn't outrun her thoughts.
She ran all the way to the stadium, but even that couldn't help her.
It was so bright, so garish and different from the court at Edgar Allan. Still, her mind could only see black and red as she changed into her gear. Drill after drill, and then when the cousins and Kevin showed up, they began the same scrimmages they had been doing since she got there. None of it was enough to empty her thoughts. She itched with questions. She wanted to know specifics. She needed to ask Kevin.
The only answer she did get wasn't one she wanted. As she tried to enter the showers, Audrey stood in front of her. Everyone else filed past her, not caring that Audrey was in the men's locker rooms.
"I'm going to have fun breaking you tomorrow."
Notes:
some of the dialogue changed to more my liking, and obviously some of the conversations are just plainly written by me. audrey is a lesbian and currently thinks that neil is a boy, and due to my firm belief that canon andrew had a big fat crush on neil since day one, i'm adjusting the dialogue in line w that, and we're not even addressing the changes i made due to the lack of meds lol
Chapter 3: columbia
Notes:
hiii sorry this one is just not chill at all, as you probably could guess. it features non-consensual drugging, sexual assault, panic attacks, flashbacks to past rape, though nothing except nicky's kiss is in much detail at all. if you don't want to read it, that's fine! you can skip eden's altogether or just when you start getting uncomfortable since it's close enough to canon. just pick back up on 'Behind her, the door banged open.' also lots of talk of vomit, which i apologize for, i hate it just as much as you do but like. it's neil. godspeed
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Practice was admittedly lighter than usual. Neil had no idea what Eden's was, since no one had elaborated, and she had been trying her best to steer clear of Nicky since getting there. She didn't know how to prepare other than to check that her bag was safely stowed in Wymack's drawer, and to work herself slightly less hard than she had every other day to be prepared. She also wasn't going to question whatever lie the cousins had told Wymack and Abby, but that meant she couldn't ask Coach about it without alerting him that something might be up.
The only clue she got ahead of time was the bag Audrey handed her before she split for her shower. With her recently dyed hair airdrying, Neil first used the athletic tape she had been saving at the bottom of her bag for games to bind her breasts, and just to be safe, layered an extra layer of bandages around them. The clothes Audrey had given her were the opposite of anything she had ever owned on the run. As a child, she had only been allowed to dress in constricting clothing, but at least the black clothes were different in style. The sheer shirt was breathable, at least, and sported long sleeves that she never would have been allowed to wear as a child outside of police visits.
She took a long minute to study her reflection. No matter how many times she and her mother changed their identities and languages, one thing had stayed the same: they aimed for nondescript fashion that would blend in with an everyday crowd. Neil wore faded tees, plain jeans, and worn sneakers, generally in pale colors that only helped wash her out further. They weren't strictly hiding her gender until they were attracting more eyes and catcalls, so then she started dressing as a boy. It wasn't a hard change, being dressed mostly androgynously anyway.
This outfit was the complete opposite. In addition, everything was black. It was a stark contrast with her skin between her dark hair and eyes. The cargoes were light and cut to accommodate a pair of heavy boots. The shirt was long-sleeved, as she had discovered in the stall, but was torn through in places. A charcoal inner layer peeked out through the gashes, hiding Neil's skin and the raised edge of bandages. Still, she ran her hands over the cloth a dozen times to make sure there weren't any open holes. She was sure she could feel her scars through the thin cloth.
The only comfort she found was in her contacts; they were her only protection when looking in a mirror. They were keeping her safe from her father, no matter how immature the fear was.
Neil put her used clothes in her locker, and met the rest of the waiting group in the lounge. Audrey lounged against the doorframe, arms folded over her chest, and studied Neil. Neil took the chance to look her over in return, noting the displeased pinch around the corner of her mouth.
She couldn't leave with Audrey in the way, so she stopped as close to her as she dared, and waited for Audrey to move. She did, but only to reach out for Neil with one hand. Neil tensed as Audrey's fingers wrapped around the back of her neck, but she only wanted to pull Neil's head down. Neil focused on Audrey's cheekbone so as to not go cross-eyed.
"You didn't ditch the contacts."
"I prefer to see."
"Then you should be just fine without them."
"Should be, but won't be."
Audrey examined her a little longer, then let her go. "I'll expect you to take them out sometime or another."
"I take them out every night. You're not supposed to sleep with contacts in."
"And you definitely do that," Audrey said, and Neil got the sense that if she were the type, she would be rolling her eyes. "That's why your eyes are always red."
"I'm a crier."
Audrey's expression didn't change as she repeated, "Sometime or another."
"Maybe if you asked nicely."
Finally, the blank look cracked to one of slight annoyance. Audrey huffed, and gave Neil one more slow once-over, then let go. "We're going."
Nicky perked up, and was the first to follow after them. "Can I just say that you clean up good, Neil. Oh man. Aaron, don't let me get too drunk tonight."
Audrey stopped by Nicky long enough to pull a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. She lit one, nevermind the stadium's smoke alarms, and put her lighter in Nicky's face. "Don't make me kill you."
Nicky held up his hands. "I know."
"Do you?"
"Promise," he said weakly.
She put her lighter away, and pushed into the evening air. Kevin and Aaron followed, Nicky raked Neil with one last appreciative look that left her skin crawling, and went out.
Neil ended up pinched between Aaron and Nicky in the back, Kevin in shotgun. Neil expected trouble, but Aaron propped himself against the window and was asleep in barely a second. Nicky chattered to no one, and Audrey met Neil's eyes in the rearview mirror only once. Halfway through, she finally said, "Nicky, shut up," and the rest of the ride was spent in silence.
Their first destination was a restaurant called Sweetie's. It was right in time for dinner, and the parking lot was packed. There were six groups ahead of them waiting for seats, if Neil counted correctly. Audrey detoured to the salad bar with Aaron at her side and grabbed two handfuls of cracker packets from a bucket on the end. Kevin and Neil watched as the twins methodically ate their way through them, heads tilted together. Whatever shoes Aaron had on were making him slightly taller, but with the same flat look, they were back to the same near identical they had been to pick Neil up. It didn't help that even Aaron and Audrey's hair were both slicked back, Audrey's just into a bun.
It took a while before they were finally seated at a booth in the back. Before the host could leave, Audrey stuffed her empty cracker packets into the man's apron. The host didn't even bat an eye at such rudeness, and just left them with their menus. Their waitress wasn't far behind, and Nicky handed the menus back unread.
"We're just here for the ice cream special," Nicky said.
"No problem," she said. "I'll get that right to you."
Neil wanted to protest, but didn't mind enough. She had spent the last near decade of her life being grateful for getting every meal. She could skip dinner.
It didn't take long for their ice cream to arrive. Their waitress passed out bowls and set a pile of napkins in the middle of the table. As soon as she left, Audrey scattered the napkins with an impatient hand. Underneath them all was a pile of packets full of pale yellow powder that she pocketed.
Nicky nudged Neil. "Try the ice cream. You'll love it."
Neil obediently dipped into the mound she had been served. Then, Neil didn't eat any more of the strawberry nightmare aside from the actual strawberry slices that decorated the side of the bowl. When the bill arrived, Audrey pushed it Aaron's way, and Aaron clipped a small stack of bills to the check. She looked back as they left, seeing first the people taking cracker packets from the salad bar and second the waitress pocketing the money they'd left her. Not too bad of a drug operation, Neil decided, depending on how many of the staff were in on it. It was obviously a fairly popular pickup spot, if the cracker wrappers being shoved in nearly every apron was any sign of that. She was begrudgingly impressed.
It was a short drive from the restaurant to their real destination of the night.
Neil spent the whole thing half memorizing the route, and half thinking about what sort of local gang likely had power over Sweetie's. What was the tax they staked in claim for supposed protection from what was likely another gang? Columbia was a big city. Did the mysterious Eden's also fall under their protection too, or would that be a different local power?
Eden's Twilight was a two-story nightclub a couple blocks from the main road. There was a line of people waiting to get in, and the clothes they wore made Neil's outfit look plain. Most of the men wore leather, half the women had corsets, and a good number of both genders were covered in buckles and chains.
Neither the line nor the fashion deterred the cousins. Audrey wordlessly got out, passing the keys off to Nicky while the rest of them got out. The pair of bouncers at the entrance perked up at their arrival, and Aaron greeted them with a complicated first bump handshake combination Neil didn't begin to understand. One of the bouncers dug an orange tag out of his back pocket and handed it over to the still-waiting Nicky. Nicky attached it to the rearview mirror and drove away to park.
Audrey saluted the bouncers on her way by, and led the way into the club, bypassing the line entirely. Kevin followed, and Aaron motioned for Neil to go ahead of him.
A second set of doors opened into a madhouse.
The four were standing on a dais that wrapped around the floor, and was crowded with tables, Stairs led down to a packed dance floor that made up the rest of the room. Somewhere, stairs must have led up to the second floor, which was more of a balcony than anything else. The DJ was off the floor on a platform of his own, positioned halfway between floors. Speakers taller than Neil lined the walls, and Neil could feel the bass crunching her bones immediately.
She stopped staring so she wouldn't fall behind as their group made their way around the room. They found a table, covered with empty glasses but abandoned. Audrey cleared away the cups while Aaron hunted down two more chairs. As soon as they were set, Audrey snagged her fingers in Neil's high collar and pulled Neil after her towards the bar.
Three bartenders were on staff, but Audrey was interested in a specific one, and was seemingly willing to wait. When the solitary woman finally made it to them, she flashed Audrey an easy smile. "Back so soon, Audrey? Who is your newest victim?"
"A nobody. It's the regular for us."
She nodded, and looked at Neil. "And for you?"
"I don't drink," Neil said.
"Soda, then," she said with another smile, and pushed away to put their order together. She returned with a tray of drinks that Audrey hefted easily. Neil received her soda, but pushed it back.
"Sorry, but can I get a sealed can?"
"Afraid not," the woman shrugged. "We only have soda on tap."
Neil turned, ready to abandon the soda, but Audrey snagged it to add to her tray. Without another word, she wove through the crowd, pushing drunks out of her way with her free hand, and supporting the tray with an expertise that made Neil wonder if she'd ever worked here before.
Nicky was waiting for them at their table, and leaned out of the way for Audrey to put the tray down past him. "Cheers," he yelled, and they drank as one.
She went through her soda quicker than she meant to, but as soon as she realized, began pacing herself. The others were drinking as if it were a race, keeping up a terrifying speed until the tray was completely emptied of all alcohol in what couldn't have been more than ten minutes. The soda made her feel dehydrated, and the caffeine went to her head faster than expected. She'd never been allowed soda before the run, and hadn't ever had it often, since it was rarely less expensive than water. When she got up to help Audrey get the second round, she thought about switching to water, but the bartender poured soda before she could ask.
Audrey's packets from Sweetie's reappeared as soon as they made it back. She waggled one at Neil in a taunting invitation. When Neil just looked at her, she smiled, and passed them out to others instead. Even Kevin took one, which Neil found disappointing for some reason. Nicky gave her an unwanted explanation of the drug, but Neil had nothing to say about it.
"Sure you don't want any?"
She shook her head. "No."
"It's so fun, though," Nicky whined. "You have to at least try it once. Please, Neil."
"Drugs are stupid," Neil said firmly, shaking her head again.
"Ouch," Audrey said, dropping her empty packet to the table.
Neil rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to apologize for thinking you're being idiotic."
"Is your spine the spine of the righteous?" Audrey wondered. "Are you trying your best to step on my toes tonight because you're feeling the tragic weight of the holier than thou?"
"Step on your toes? I would think it's just more for you, right?"
A small, cold smile crept across her face. "Oh, Neil. I said I was going to take you out and that you would play with us. Righteousness or not, you'll take some. It would be easier if you take it straight from the packet."
Neil's stomach gave a sickening twist. "I said no. I don't want to."
"Easy, easy," Nicky said, distributing shots around the table. Even Neil received a shot glass, filled with the same soda. "You'll like it if you try it. Dust just makes the night more interesting. You think Kevin would risk his future over a night out at the club?"
"What future?" Neil asked.
Kevin shot Neil a black look, but Nicky intervened before he could say anything. "Drink with us, if you won't dust with us," Nicky said, holding his own packet in one hand, shot in the other. Down the hatch on three."
Arguing would be fruitless when the four had left their common sense in the bottom of their empty glasses, so Neil picked up her shot in silence. As soon as it hit the back of her throat, Neil knew she'd made a serious mistake.
She immediately tried to vomit it back up, jamming her fingers down her throat. Audrey caught her wrist before she could, and slammed that hand flat against the tabletop. Audrey's other hand was fast and cruel, fisting a chunk of her hair so she blinked into the image of Mary for just a moment.
"Just noticed, did you? You're a fucking idiot." Audrey said.
"Y-you–"
"Did you think you were safe because you were up there ordering your own drinks? Ross knows what it means when I bring outsiders here."
Neil wrenched her hand out from under Audrey's and went for her own mouth again. Audrey gave her head a warning yank, and caught the hand in a bone-crushing grip. A bolt of heat went down Neil's neck from the force of her hair-pulling. Neil hissed, and went still. Audrey slid out of her chair and leaned against Neil, letting Neil take her weight entirely on her lap.
Neil whined, trying to buck her off. A different time, a different weight pinning her legs, and different places flashed in her mind's eye until bile was stinging the back of her throat. Audrey checked her pupils, then slid off.
"Almost there. Give it a minute, and then it'll really hit. Until then, why don't you go have your fun while I have mine? The night is still young."
Neil hadn't seen Aaron get up, but he was waiting behind Neil when Audrey let go. Neil reached for her own mouth one more time, but knew it was too late. Aaron grabbed the back of her chair anyway, pulling it so quickly that Neil spilled out of it onto the ground. The world spun in a sickening rush, even after she hit the ground. When Aaron tried to pull Neil to her feet, Neil swung at him, barely connecting with his arm. She could feel the drugs eating through her system. Her heart pounded harder than the bass did, shaking her apart.
Where was- where was-
It took both Nicky and Aaron to get Neil up. They hauled her away from the table. She stumbled more than once, unable to feel the ground under her feet. She suddenly couldn't remember what her name was supposed to be anymore. She only ripped free of the shorter man's hot grip when they'd reached the stairs down to the dance floor, when he let go without warning, she tripped down the stairs, with only the taller man to catch her. Nicky. That was his name. Nicky looped an arm around her waist, and dragged her deeper into the writhing throng.
She was hardly in South Carolina anymore. The heat of Eden's barely registered against her skin when the ever-biting cold of Munich prickled her skin.
Where was her mom?
Bodies and lights blurred around her, twisting into the pale bricks that haunted her worst nightmares. All of it made her nauseous. She clawed bloody lines down the arms of the man that held her as she fought to get free. They were in the middle of the throng when he finally let her go. She tore for freedom, but couldn't even feel where the floor was. She only felt the man pull her flush with his own body as he caught her chin in his fingers to force her head back.
The man- the man- Nicky- Nicky's kiss was harder than she expected it to be. There was more than just tongue in her mouth. Beneath the burn of vodka Nicky shared with her was the sweet tang of cracker dust. She didn't mean to swallow, but it hurt. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
She needed her mom.
Wasn't her mom supposed to be right back? She had said she would be.
"This is how the game goes," the man said against her mouth. She was half wavering between Eden's, and between the dirty alley in Munich. "Stop fighting if you want to survive."
"Fuck you," she spat.
"Good luck, Neil."
Neil. That was her name. She wasn't Clara anymore. She wasn't Alex either. She was Neil. Her name was Neil. And she needed- where was-
Nicky let go and vanished into the throng of dancers too fast for Neil to follow. The sudden loss of support made her fall. She couldn't feel her legs. It took serious work to get back to her feet in a crouch, and a couple strangers had to help her up from there. Neil used the momentum to stumble away, but she didn't know which way she was supposed to be going. Where was the rendezvous with Mary? She couldn't remember. There was no exit, not so surrounded by people. Everyone was touching her. Sweat was rubbing on her from all directions, even though it was supposed to be cold. Every time she relived this, that was what she remembered most. The cold, not the sweat. There had been sweat, but not this much. Not when her clothes were still on, at least.
A hand came up against the small of her back and shoved. Clara jerked her hands forward, waiting to hit the brick wall they pinned her against, waiting for their hands on her hips, but none of it came.
It was Audrey. The push had freed her from the crowd, and sent her crashing into the back wall. Audrey propped herself against the wall just out of Neil's reach. She forced herself to gasp in breaths. No one was touching her. No one was touching her.
No one was touching her anymore, but that didn't stop the phantom hands from tearing at her clothes. Neil wanted to rip her throat open, wanted to claw her own skin off just so she could have her own say over it, leave her own marks on it instead, but it was taking everything she had just to stay standing.
She had to find her mom.
"Such ingratitude. Those drinks were expensive."
"I hate you."
"Take a number and get in line with the rest of the team. I won't lose any sleep over it."
She sunk down to her haunches, rubbing her eyes. She was in South Carolina. Her name was Neil Josten. Her name was Neil Josten. She was in South Carolina.
She was doing this so she could play Exy.
She was doing this so she could play Exy, because her mom was-
It seemed so far away now. So stupid, when her heart was beating a bruise into her ribs.
Her name was Neil Josten.
Neil pressed a palm into her mouth, letting her teeth dig into her lip. It was only the faintest of feelings, even though she could taste the blood in her mouth.
She was in North Carolina.
"Hey," and that was Audrey again. Neil was going to kill her. "Runaway."
If Neil was sober, she might have been better steeled to hear that word. With the drugs in her system, and mind halfway across the world, she couldn't hide her flinch. "Mind your own business."
"Tonight is all about minding your business tonight, though," Audrey said. "That's what you agreed to, after all. You're going to give me something real, or I won't let you stay here."
A tiny laugh burbled from between Neil's teeth. Audrey's hand slid to her throat, and Neil jolted, shifting.
She already wasn't there. Not with the way the bricks of the wall scraped against her back again.
She was in an alley, and those hands were still on her. Nicky's, and, and– prying her mouth open again, and–
" Bitte ," Clara whined.
"How about I call the police and ask them to run a real check on you?" Audrey's voice warbled in and out, but she tried to grasp onto it. "You think they would find anything interesting on one Neil Josten?"
Neil Josten. That was her name. She tried clinging to it, digging her nails into her knees, but her hands were wet. Her name was Neil Josten. Her name was Neil Josten and her hands were wet and sticky, and she knew exactly what she would see if she looked at them. She was doing this so she could play Exy.
"The police would never help," Neil Josten managed. "They never help people like us."
"I know a cop who would. If I called him tonight and told him you're a serious problem child, he'd make it a priority. How cold is your trail?"
"Shut up." Neil tugged on her hair, and whimpered, finding it already burning with pain. "Why can't you leave me alone?"
"Because I don't trust the way you look at him," Audrey growled. "A know-nothing from Arizona who somehow managed to catch Kevin's eye. You, a lie from head to foot, with a bag full of money and a hard-on for everything Kevin and Riko. Do you understand?"
Neil did, slowly. But she was as baffled as she was suddenly furious. "You went through my duffel."
"Of course I did."
That damn drawer. She knew it wouldn't be safe enough there. Tags couldn't alert her if everything had to be crammed down to fit in the locking drawer. Fuck.
"I'm not a mole. Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Prove it," Audrey said. "You take a minute to think it over. Think how badly you want to try my patience right now. I'll be back."
She pushed away from the wall and slipped into the crowd.
Neil watched her go, then braced herself against the wall to stand. She kept both hands steady on it, and braced herself as she slid down the wall. She didn't know which way led to the door, but if she could at least find a stairwell off the dance floor, she could figure something out. Her survival was contingent on getting out of the club, and finding her mom.
She finally spotted the stairs through a gap between bodies. She started up, pushing off the wall, only to be stopped as Nicky came down them. Nicky. Nicky, who took her shoulders to push her back into the crowd. He ignored every attempt Neil made to shove and push free. These kisses tasted worse, horribly salty and that all too familiar flavor.
The night shattered around her, breaking into colors and lights with that same, awful taste in her mouth. She couldn't stop the flavor, no matter how hard she bit down on her cheeks this time. She couldn't feel her own body. She could hardly see.
She couldn't ever stop shivering.
It could have been hours or days before she recognized that it was Nicky on top of her. He was crowding her against one of the walls, and though she couldn't feel what he was doing to her neck, she knew it was too hot, too wet. She couldn't seem to get his hands away from her fly, let alone to free herself from the wall.
Her mouth- it didn't taste– she couldn't-
"Nicky," Neil gasped. "Nicky, please. Stop ."
But he didn't. She didn't know where her arms were, she didn't know why they weren't helping push Nicky off her. Neil whined, squeezing her eyes shut. She needed to focus. She needed to- she needed to get her pants back on. He couldn't find out. She couldn't let him touch her. She couldn't let him find out.
" Please ." Neil tried again, but wasn't even sure the words were making it out around Nicky's tongue in her mouth. "I'm not a man, I'm– stop , stop, Nicky, stop, stop stop stop- "
Then Nicky was yanked off of her.
Neil shot forward, ducking into the crowd. She had to get away, she had to get away, she had to get away she had to get away she had to get away she had to get away shehadtogetawayshehad-
She burst out the first door she could find, spilling out into the warm night air before she collapsed to her knees. The door thudded closed behind her, and she- she- she think around that fucking taste in her mouth.
Neil spilled up onto her feet, hand against the back wall of the club and ripped her nails down her tongue. Even the all too familiar taste of blood was preferable.
That didn't matter, though. She needed to find her mom.
Behind her, the door banged open.
Neil didn't have to turn to know it would be Mary, just like it had been last time. Neil would take the grim glare that Mary had worn for days after as long as she had the gun, just like she had last time.
Mary gripped the front of her shirt, and pulled. Neil ducked her head and obediently stumbled along after silently. She didn't remember Mary's hair being blond while there, but she was probably misremembering. Maybe Mary had changed it in the bathroom. Was that why they were there? Why was she trying to remember at all? She couldn't even remember why she didn't have her shoes on. She could hardly see anyway, not with the spinning and shattered colors around her.
Neil didn't recognize the car she was pushed into the passenger seat of, but it didn't matter. All she had to do was fasten her seatbelt. Last time, Mary hadn't even been that mad, she doubted she would be this time. Neil was counting on that again as she put her forehead against her bare knees and shut her eyes. She would watch for the cops in a few minutes when she warmed up. They wouldn't make it very far on cop-infested roads without her warning her mother. Neil was shaking so badly from the cold February air that she probably wouldn't be able to tell a squad car from a civilian until she warmed up, though, so she stayed curled around herself.
February or not, it probably wasn't smart to have lost her pants and shoes. She wouldn't want to intentionally leave evidence behind. Neil swallowed a mouthful of blood and cleared her throat, trying to work up the courage to tell Mary that they should probably go back. But, well. Her mom had always made the decisions, and it wasn't like it wasn't obvious that Neil had lost her pants. For now, Neil would take the rest she was given without thinking too hard about it.
She would rest until her mother needed her.
She stirred when she heard the car doors slamming shut. Did they need to run?
When had the car stopped?
Neil slowly lifted her head from her knees to stare at a house she didn't recognize, illuminated by headlights.
Right.
Mary was dead. Neil had burned her body and the car in California.
Neil almost wished the phrase it came crashing back to her were true. No, she had sobered up enough that the hazy veil the drugs had thrown over her memory, pushing and pulling where her nightmares usually didn't even stray, had pulled away enough for her to sort reality.
She tucked her head back down to her knees, and waited for her breathing to calm. Neil counted to ten in every language she knew, and when that wasn't enough, restarted and counted to twenty. Around Portuguese, her heart slowed enough for her to look up. Yet, Audrey Minyard, sitting in the driver's seat, wouldn't look at her. Audrey's hands were white where they gripped the steering wheel. Neil dimly registered the sound of creaking leather.
Only one thought kept Neil in her seat.
Audrey had said one night, and obviously Neil was still here. She hadn't been thrown out yet.
"So that was your party," Neil said, her voice scraped hoarse.
Audrey reached past her. Neil flinched hard back from her arm, pressing her back entirely against her seat. Audrey's jaw clenched, but she still finished opening the glove compartment to pull out a folded blue disk. She pulled some of the creased plastic out, making it into a sack as she spoke. "You're going to throw up soon. Do it in this and not in my car."
"You would deserve it," Neil said.
Audrey was back to squeezing the steering wheel. She wouldn't look at Neil, but she said nothing.
"Is that it, then? You drug me, save me when I'm about to get raped by your cousin, and then I get to play Exy? Are you just taking a break from your psychopathy for a night to play the hero? Sorry to tell you that I'm not feeling all too grateful right now. This is all your fault."
Finally, Audrey's mask of indifference shuttered, but she looked out her window before Neil could see her face. She didn't have to be looking at Audrey to hear how she spoke through gritted teeth. "I don't do regret. I don't believe in it. But. What happened tonight won't happen again."
"Oh, as if it's his fault."
"It is," She snarled. "Don't deny-"
"Shut up," Neil snapped, and Audrey's mouth clicked shut. " Shut up . You threaten Nicky for coming onto me, but condone drugging me out of my mind against my will? You heard him make those comments about me for a week and a half just as much as I did, but you left me alone with him. You knew what you were doing, and if you don't, you're even stupider than I thought you were. You are just as bad as he is, if not worse. You have no right to deal with him , whatever the fuck that means. You caused this, why would I trust you to force any punishment that isn't fucking rape on him, apparently?"
Neil glared at her before snatching the bag from her, and vomited. Audrey didn't wince at the sound, just kept waiting. Neil didn't know what she was waiting for. She was tired, she was sick, and she could barely feel her body still, her system clogged with drugs. If Audrey was waiting for more judgement, trying to make herself feel better by listening to verbal punishment, or trying to redeem herself by hearing her out, Neil wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Audrey could rot in hell, for all she cared. She wouldn't help ease her conscience.
"What did you tell Wymack?" Neil eventually managed.
"I texted him an hour ago that you were at night practice with us. If you slept over, then I would have taken you to Abby's and pretended you had come home with us. Abby goes to bed at ten every night, and wouldn't have been able to tell the difference between this and night practice if we got you back in your normal clothes."
"I assume everyone's inside?" At Audrey's jerk of a nod, Neil rubbed a hand over her face. "Tell me why you did that."
"I already did. I'm still waiting for an answer."
"An answer that I already gave," Neil snapped. "I said I'm not a fucking mole. You're insane if you think I am."
"Then correct me."
"Give me a reason. What, you'll rape me next? Or maybe have Kevin do it while you watch?"
That finally got Audrey to flinch back minutely, but her expression hardened. "I hate repeating myself, but I'll say this one more time. What happened tonight won't ever happen again. But I want answers, and I'll get them wherever else I can. How about I start with your parents?"
"Good luck. They're dead."
"And yet you were looking for your mom."
Neil scoffed. "Yeah, crazy that someone wants their mom in times of need. You've never called for yours?"
"I don't have parents."
Neil knew it was far, far past time to concede, but she wanted to end this night without feeling completely shredded raw. "If I tell you, promise me you'll never touch me or my stuff ever again."
"So possessive."
"Of course I am. Everything I own fits in one bag."
She considered that, then nodded once. "You tell me what you're honestly hiding and why you have a binder full of pictures of Kevin and Riko, and I'll never touch you or your stuff ever again."
"My parents are dead," Neil said, brain skating wildly through what was left of the drug's fog to spin a believable enough lie. If Audrey thought drugging her would get the truth out, she had severely underestimated her. "Riko's family killed them."
That got Audrey's attention, her eyes locking onto Neil for the first time since she had tried to gauge her pupils.
"My father was a gopher for someone in league with the Moriyamas. That's how I met Kevin and Riko. I didn't know who they were back then, I just wanted to play. I… I thought we were going to be friends. When my father started skimming from payments, he got stupid, and took Moriyama money meant for his boss. When they found out, they executed him and my mother. I took the money and ran. I've been running ever since."
Any trace of expression had leaked from Audrey, but Neil was smiling for both of them. She felt it like a blade as it curved across her lips. It was a sick, ghastly expression, and she wanted to claw it from her face just as much as she wanted to inflict it on Audrey.
"I'm lucky Kevin doesn't recognize me. I don't know if he even remembers meeting me, but I remember him. He reminds me of being with my mom. He's all I have left of her, and of my old life. If Riko or Kevin recognizes me, and word gets back, I'm dead. When the Ravens come south, I'm dead if I don't leave before the match with them."
"The Ravens are coming south?"
Neil bit her tongue, not wanting to spill Wymack's secrets when he had not done her wrong yet. Drawer thing aside, that technically wasn't his fault. "Kevin's been hiding it from you, but I'm surprised you didn't get it out of him anyway."
Audrey seemed to mull that over, then clearly set it aside. "Why come here at all?"
"I'm tired." Neil said, simply. Even with the three syllables, she knew the weight of her true defeat leaked through. "I'm so fucking tired. I have nowhere to go, and no one left. I'm too jealous of Kevin to stay away. He has everything, even when he's lost everything. Even when he's lost everything, he still knows who he is and I'm– I'm nothing. I'll always have and will be nothing."
Neil didn't understand the look on Audrey's face. There was no censure over Neil's crooked parents, or pity for their supposed deaths, no triumph over having backed Neil into admitting so much, and no obvious skepticism for her lies. Whatever this look was, it was dark and intense enough to swallow Neil and all her trauma whole.
"Let me stay," Neil said quietly. "I'm not ready to give this up yet."
The strange look left her eyes. Her expression cleared entirely, back to stony indifference, and she turned off the engine. "Are you staying here tonight, or am I taking you back?"
"Do you have a spare door with a lock on it?"
"No."
"Then take me back to Coach's."
"Okay. Wait here."
She slid out of the car, pocketing the keys. It took a while for her to return, but she was carrying an armful of things. She handed them all to Neil, who gratefully tugged on the new pajama pants over her boxers immediately. There was a sealed bag of jerky that Neil ate, and two water bottles that she stared at. They drove in silence until apparently she had poured over the water bottle enough. Audrey reached across the console to tap one of the lids twice with a nail.
"It's sealed."
"I want you to drink first."
Audrey didn't question it, cracking the lid open and swallowing a few times. Neil made her do the same with the second bottle, but Neil finished drinking both by the time they pulled into the stadium parking lot. Audrey waited as Neil changed back into her clothes from earlier, and then took her to Wymack's. Neil was halfway out of the car when she asked, "Are you going to tell Kevin what I told you?"
"Don't ask stupid questions."
Neil nodded, and got out of the car, though not before upending the bag of vomit onto the floor of the passenger seat. The glare Audrey gave him was downright murderous, but Neil thought, as she took the elevator up, it wasn't anything that Audrey didn't deserve.
Notes:
i do want to give a little extra explanation that neil won't say bc she doesn't know or doesn't care haha. first, nicky gets further in his assault here than in the book just because i think that one, neil hasn't quite built up the same upper-body strength that book!neil is predisposed to have and two, she is suffering from a pretty bad flashback/breakdown here. second, audrey leaves neil alone in the car to go get her family and then they drive to the house in a silence that must have been so horribly awkward that i'm glad neil slept through it lmao. finally, neil pretty solidly places the blame on audrey here instead of nicky and i do not share in her belief!! it's a complicated situation for sure but nicky in here and in the books obv makes his own choices and does it on his own. we'll come back to this and we'll examine neil's mindset against victims like herself at a later time, but just know that this is not the end of that subject
Chapter 4: the foxes
Notes:
no tws except the some slight aftermath of last time. fear not, we will handle this eventually but neil can't process anything until it's been sufficiently repressed first so bear w me
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
That night, the hot water scraped her skin raw, even if she hadn't taken off her boxers to wash. The thought of that, when memories were tugging and pulling at her, when they kept breaking the surface they were usually so far from, was unbearable.
After she was out of the shower and wrapped in a towel, she checked the door twice to make sure it was still locked before switching the soaked boxers for a fresh pair, keeping the towel secured around her hips the whole time. She only dropped it when she had one of her baggy shirts back on, and her regular amount of bandages back on.
She could do this. For Exy, for that stadium that she had to play in, she could do this.
Back on the couch, she closed her eyes, and thought of the sheer magnitude of the stadium again. Thought of what it might sound like full of people, the sound of a goal being scored. Maybe her goal. The rush of adrenaline that would hit her when her mark got there seconds too late.
Neil would play there, or she would die trying. That was what she decided when she found herself alone at the stadium on Sunday. Even in the shower there, she kept her boxers on and only changed into a dry pair with the extra layer of the towel. Her breasts remained bound, not wanting to feel even her own hands on them. They were the one thing she could protect, the one thing no one else could touch. The one thing no one knew about. The one thing no one but her had access to, and she only wanted to reaffirm that.
Neil didn't see Audrey's group again until they showed up at the stadium on Monday. They must have spent all of Sunday at their house in Columbia. She was more than happy to keep her distance, and they seemed to finally have lost interest in him. The three didn't exchange a word to her the entire time. All except Kevin, of course, who was as bland as ever. Well, that's what she thought at first but Neil quickly realized that was wrong.
It was as if he had forgotten his lines. His barbed remarks were replaced by a heavy, unwavering stare that somehow made Neil feel even more insignificant than she had before. Neil refused to miss his condescension, but being the bug in Kevin's microscope that day made her jumpy.
She was still trying to sort it out when the cousins left for their usual dinner at Abby's. She caught Audrey's eyes, who gestured for her to catch up. Neil jogged over right before they passed out of the court door.
"If you're coming to night practice, then meet us back here in two hours."
And that was it. Neil ran back to Wymack's, ate dinner warm for the first time since staying at his apartment, and then jogged back with time to stretch out. Kevin seemed pleased. Well, as pleased as Kevin Day could be.
"It's time to collect what's mine," Kevin said, tugging on his helmet. "Audrey isn't going to interfere anymore."
He said nothing more, not even trying to elaborate on that batshit statement, just letting Neil follow him to the inner ring. When Kevin and Neil went for the court door, Neil could make out Audrey moving up the stairs and into the stands to wait.
Kevin bolted the court door behind them, set the balls and his racquet aside, and got Neil moving right away. They ran a couple laps along the inside of the court walls, did intervals with the court lines, and stretched out at half-court. When Kevin was satisfied, he started going through drills. They started with a simple game of catch, and quickly escalated to more complicated exercises. Neil recognized only a few of them. Those she didn't know were harder to pick up, and Kevin's impatience, absent for the whole day of practice made an unfriendly but extremely familiar reappearance. Neil refused to be comforted by it.
The last drill they did was the hardest. Kevin grabbed cones from the locker room, and set them up with a line of six. The name of the game was to rebound the ball off the court wall in a way that would knock the cones over. It wasn't enough to have an accurate throw; Neil had to be both accurate and powerful. She didn't expect it to be so difficult, but she'd never needed such hairpin precision before. Rebounds were used when passing the ball to teammates across the court. Teammates were intelligent, moving targets who could react to a ball's trajectory, whereas these cones were static targets.
Neil's first time through, she managed to hit a grand total of zero fucking cones. Kevin got three of his six, but he was already doing it with his weaker hand, so his misses didn't make Neil feel any better.
"You have too much free time if you're coming up with drills like this," Neil said after she flunked a second round.
"This is a Raven drill," Kevin said. "No one is allowed game time until they can knock every cone over in whichever order the master calls. Freshmen spend weeks to months trying to earn a spot on our line."
"The master?"
"Coach Moriyama," Kevin finally said after a pause. She could hear the grimace in the response, but she didn't know if it was because Neil was making Kevin say his name or because he'd slipped up so obviously. He recovered by switching his racquet to his left hand and giving it an experimental swirl. "Call them for me. Don't stop."
Neil didn't think it was a good idea for Kevin to play leftie, but didn't argue. She counted off cones in random order with only a second between the numbers. There was no waiting on Kevin's end, simply moving as the numbers were called and hurling them at the wall.
All six landed as called.
After Saturday, Neil had almost forgotten why she liked Exy so much. As she surveyed Kevin's damage, she finally felt inspired again. On its heels was an immediate, hungry, and desperate rush.
"I want that," Neil said.
"Then start really trying."
Kevin lined the cones up again, and switched his racquet back to his right hand. He gave his left a small shake while returning to the starting spot. "This is the first of eight Raven precision drills. When you master this one, we will move on. We'll meet back here every night, and when school starts, we'll meet every weeknight save Friday until you can do all eight in your sleep. Now, practice."
They spent the next hour on that same drill before moving onto footwork. Kevin called it quits at twelve-thirty. Neil was disappointed to stop after just a few hours, but as she helped Kevin collect their balls and cones, fatigue weighed her down. She was yawning by the time she followed Kevin off the court.
Kevin went into the stands to find Audrey, so Neil took a rare first shower. She was halfway through when Kevin joined her. She dried off and dressed quickly in the stall, shutting out all thoughts of him being in there with her, then went into the locker room to drop her uniform and armor off accordingly. When Kevin finally emerged, she followed him to the lounge to collect Audrey on their way out. Audrey said nothing to either of them, but Kevin snorted when Neil started separating from them to head back to Wymack's.
"You've already done your cooldown, no point ruining it by running. Get in the car. Audrey will drive you back to Wymack's."
The car didn't smell like vomit. Neil got some sort of satisfaction from knowing that Audrey must have had to scrub it out. Back at the apartment, Neil allowed herself the small comfort of checking on her duffel. Wymack barely looked up from his paperwork. "Audrey texted me that you're going to be working with Kevin now. You're going to hate waking up in the mornings."
Neil knew she wouldn't. She would be tired, and sore, but she would be getting up so she could go back to the court. It wasn't worth arguing about, so she murmured something intelligible on her way back to the living room after collecting her sleeping clothes.
It felt like only a matter of seconds before Wymack was trudging past her to get to the kitchen. The rest of the day passed into what Neil was finally starting to recognize as normal. Last night's practice must have been some odd icebreaker in Kevin's strange world, because Kevin's angry comments made a burning comeback. They harkened more to the angry disappointment, and less like the hostile insults Kevin resorted to after hearing of the district change. Neil tried to appreciate the difference. She almost succeeded.
The cousins still had nothing to say to Neil, but Neil noticed Nicky watching Kevin and Neil from time to time throughout practice, clearly not missing the thawing ice between the two. Neil waited for him to say something, but anytime Neil looked Nicky's way, he feigned finding something else immediately fascinating. Audrey must have gone against what Neil said. Neil let it slide, unwilling to be the first to break the silence after what Nicky had done and helped Audrey do. She didn't feel like confronting Audrey about what she had said to Nicky anyway.
Nicky's patience lasted until that next Wednesday. Audrey had weekly sessions with her psychiatrist on Wednesdays, Neil had learned, so Neil probably should have expected it. She drove herself there while the rest of them took a lunch break, and made it back to change out in time for afternoon drills. Neil was allowing Kevin to check her straps for the third time when Nicky broke. Except when Nicky finally spoke up, it was in German, and it wasn't to Neil.
"You think he's ever going to forgive us?"
"Does it matter?" Aaron responded in the same language. "He's not our problem."
Neil forgot about the collar she was tightening around her neck until Kevin swatted her hand away. She remembered speaking German at the club to Audrey, but not much. She either hadn't realized what it was, or hadn't told those two. Neil honestly didn't know if they knew, but this seemed fairly condemning. Just to be safe, though, she kept busy enough with her armor to not look like she was listening.
"What do you mean he's not our problem?" Nicky asked, but Aaron didn't answer. He waited, but lost patience before long. "Are we really doing this all over again? You want to fight our team all the way to graduation?"
"I want to be left alone."
"This is a team sport! The Foxes are going to love him. I mean, look at him! He's so pathetic and with those big eyes, they're never going to let him go. Once they find out what we did… I can't live like this, Aaron, and neither can you. It's exhausting and depressing. We can't go into the school year like this!"
"Okay."
"Just okay? Okay? This isn't okay. Jesus. Sometimes you're so much like Audrey it's horrifying."
Aaron's expression turned livid. "Fuck you."
Nicky wilted, and left Aaron to slam his fist into the locker and storm off. Nicky clearly turned his attention on Kevin and Neil, but Kevin chose that moment to yank Neil by her armor back onto the court.
It wasn't an act, then. That thought buzzed under her fingers as they kept playing when Audrey returned. They wouldn't have let that argument take such a personal turn if they knew she was listening to every word. Still, what did that mean? Did Audrey not know Neil spoke German? Or had she noticed, and purposefully not told them?
Neil didn't know what game Audrey was playing, or what she expected to get in return. Still, she kept an eye on the goalkeeper, back from Dobson's office. If it had been a conscious decision on her part, Neil didn't want her to change her mind.
That night, Kevin led her back to Audrey's car after a dinner at Wymack's. Audrey stubbed out her cigarette, and took them to the stadium, let them change, and went into the stands as the two continued to the court. When Kevin locked the court door behind them, Neil asked, "How often did you come here?"
"Every night," Kevin said.
Neil looked over her shoulder at the stands, but couldn't see Audrey. "Isn't she bored? She's never going to practice with you so why humor you? Is this some sort of fucked up date night?"
Kevin scoffs. "She will practice with me, she just doesn't know it yet."
"I didn't take you for an optimist."
Kevin ignored that and started setting out their cones for interval runs. She wondered how he would react if Neil asked how Audrey reacted to the district change. With how aloof Kevin seemed, though, Neil wondered if Audrey had let slip that she knew at all.
Neil pushed Audrey out of her thoughts, and focused on Kevin's drills.
The Foxes weren't scheduled to start their practices until Monday, June 10th, but they were required to move into campus the day before so they had time to get settled in the athletes' dormitory. Neil found their estimated arrival times on a list hanging on Wymack's fridge. The first of them wasn't expected to arrive until two in the afternoon, and the last not until five. Neil was impatient to have the whole team together at last. Once they were here, Kevin would have an entire team to yell at, and would have to leave Neil alone.
That was how the few weeks in between their arrival went, Kevin seeming to take her presence at night practices as even more of a reason to yell at her during the day. The worst part was the evident progress Neil had made. Kevin had gone from impossible to please to completely awful to be around. For the most part, the cousins let Kevin do as he wished with Neil, and they pretended there was nothing wrong with it. Neil guessed they were glad to be out from Kevin's burning scrutiny, and wanted to stay that way, because they were still ignoring her completely. She was halfway there on the first Raven drill, able to knock three or four of the cones down reliably. The one time she had gotten five still glowed in her chest every time she remembered, and it was almost enough to block out Kevin's voice when it got too grating.
She was much better at instigating fights than winning them, and even though Neil Josten supposedly did not start fights, it would be worth losing if she could just put a fist through Kevin's face once. Starting a fight was far too out of character, she had to remind herself daily. As much as Neil hated coming across as a pushover, she didn't have a choice. She couldn't let Kevin or Audrey see the real her, aside from what truths she had spun for Audrey, so she gritted her teeth and tried as hard as she could to behave.
When that dreaded Monday rolled around, she and her duffel bag caught a ride to Wymack to the stadium, where he collected a package of dorm keys for the team. Neil took hers, and the paperwork regarding appropriate dorm behavior. She skimmed over it and quickly signed on all dotted lines. Wymack traded the papers for a class catalogue, which she filled out hesitantly while sitting in the lounge. She had never had this many choices before, at least, not in this way.
Foreign languages were the keys to freedom that she couldn't live without, so that became the obvious choice. Neil was fluent in German, and second best at French thanks to eight months in France, and ten months in Montreal. Her grasp on them was fading with disuse, though she watched and read foreign news to keep from losing them entirely. It didn't help much that with each language came a different handful of dialects she had to use over the course of each. She briefly considered squandering the small chance that Audrey didn't know she spoke German, and practicing it with Audrey, but that would be stupid. How much French Kevin knew, she wasn't sure, but she didn't want to spend more time with Kevin than she had to. Practicing with him was excruciating already, let alone something that wasn't Exy.
She perused the modern languages section, debating. There were five languages available as majors, and another three that could be minored in. The smart choice was Spanish, because her Spanish had never been as good, and was surely washed out. If she picked it back up, it opened a world of opportunities in the southern hemisphere.
She let an hour slip by as she decided on courses, looking up times, and figuring her schedule out around practice and tutoring. After six drafts, she had a good mix of classes- Spanish, and math for fun alongside the electives. Since she wouldn't be staying past the game with the Ravens anyway, she didn't fill to maximum classes, only sticking to four. Yet, just to be safe, she tacked on Japanese as a fifth class. It was one of the minoring options available, and that felt good to her. Safe, almost. Things had never gone her way, and just in case the Moriyamas turned out to be a real threat, it was better than nothing.
Neil checked the clock and saw she still had half an hour to kill, and considered running laps. She had just gotten up when Abby walked in. Neil had seen Abby a couple times that month, at her house of course, and a few times that she happened to be at the court while they were. She had never sought the nurse's company or help, though, since seeing her meant seeing Audrey's lot. How she stood having them under her roof, she didn't know.
"Hi, Neil!" Abby said. "You're a little early for the meeting."
"Coach won't let me go to Fox Tower until Matt gets here."
She checked her watch, then smiled. "He'll be here before you know it. Since you've got time to spare, we might as well get your physical over with."
"Physical?"
"Just a general check-up. Weight, height, all that good stuff. We have to do it today instead of tomorrow because there's blood work involved, and I can't let you on the court until you've slept it off. When's the last time you saw a doctor?"
Neil blinked. Had she even been born in a hospital? "A long time ago."
"Don't like doctors?"
"Doctors don't really like me. Is it necessary?"
"You're not playing until I sign off on you, so yes," Abby said, unlocking the medical room door and pushing it open. She flicked on the light on her way inside, seemingly oblivious to the way Neil hadn't moved. It took her a couple minutes before she came looking for Neil.
"Sometime today, preferably. I've got a lot of you to get through."
Neil eased off the chair, grabbed her bag, and went into her office. She left her duffel on the ground at her feet and sat on the bed, wincing at the crinkly paper. The first part wasn't as easy as she had said it would be. The first thing she had Neil do was step on a scale, and Abby frowned at what she saw. Then she had Neil remove her shoes and empty her pockets to stand against the ruler on the wall, and then get back on the scale.
"Neil," Abby said, "You're barely a hundred pounds."
She tried not to show her surprise. Had she ever weighed so much before this?
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No, but I would like to watch your caloric intake. Exy is a very physical sport, as you know, and you need to keep your body in good enough shape by eating food. David hasn't said anything about you having issues with food, but there is help that myself, or Betsy Dobson, can get you for that. You need to put on more weight to maintain your health."
Neil tried not to grit her teeth. There was an easy way out of this, but the truth might have Abby worrying more than she needed to. It would also be another person to tell the truth to.
"It's not an issue with the food," Neil said carefully, trying to sound like she wasn't being careful. That would probably just raise more flags for this, and the last thing she wanted was to be forced to see the psychiatrist. "This is the first time I have been able to eat regularly and it's sometimes difficult to remember."
Abby's eyes flashed with something close to pity, but it was quickly hidden as she made a brisk note of it. "I'll sort out a meal plan for you, and will encourage you to remember. If not, Audrey has a good memory."
Neil wrinkled her nose, then realized that was exactly why Abby had given that threat. "Okay, okay. Give me a plan and I'll follow it."
She turned, and opened a cabinet to pull out what turned to be a protein shake, and a snack pack of crackers. Neil rolled her eyes, but when Abby explained that it would be so she didn't pass out when Abby would draw her blood in a minute, Neil ate both without any fight.
Abby nodded, and then moved on. She ran a series of tests from reflexes to blood pressure, and as stated, took two vials of blood from Neil's left arm, labeled them, and locked them in a drawer. Then she motioned at her, and said, "Shirt off."
Neil stared at her. "Why?"
"I can't check track marks through cotton, Neil."
"I don't do drugs."
"Good on you," Abby said. "Keep it that way. Now take it off."
Neil looked past her at the closed door, and said nothing. Abby looked at her and said nothing either. After five minutes, the nurse was the first to give in.
"I want to make this as painless as possible, but I can't help you if you can't tell me why you won't take off your shirt."
Neil thought of the scars, and of the bandages that were wrapped around her, as her last layer of defense. Her body, her chest, was hers. It was hers alone now, and she had long ago decided to protect it, long before Munich and long before Stockton. Long before Columbia. She decided the first time her mother had wrapped her chest on her eleventh birthday in Prague that they would stay her secret.
Yet if she had lived through that night in Columbia to play Exy, maybe she could do this for it too.
The scars were a second thought. Enough of a thing to warn for, so she gave an insufficient, "I'm not okay," as a warning.
Abby put a finger under her chin and turned her to look at her. "Neil, I work for the Foxes. None of you are okay. Chances are I've seen a lot worse than whatever it is you're trying to hide from me."
Neil's smile was humorless. "I hope not."
"Trust me," Abby said. "I'm not going to judge you. I'm here to help, remember? I'm your nurse now. That door is closed, and it comes with a lock. What happens in here stays in here."
"You won't tell Coach?"
"This isn't his business," Abby said, gesturing between them with her free hand. "I only report to him if I think it'll affect your performance on the court, or if you're breaking the law and I need an intervention."
Neil stared at her, wondering if she could believe her, and knowing she didn't have a choice anyway. Her skin was already crawling in anticipation. Not just of her reaction, but at being so exposed.
"You can't ask," she said at last. "You can't ask about anything. I won't talk. Okay?"
"Okay," Abby agreed too easily. "But know that when you want to, I'm here, and so is Betsy."
Neil wasn't going to tell that psychiatrist so much as her favorite color, but she nodded. Abby dropped her hand, and Neil pulled her shirt over her head before she could lose her nerve.
Abby thought she was ready. Neil knew she wouldn't be, and she was right. Her mouth parted on a silent breath, and her expression went blank. She wasn't fast enough to hide her flinch, and Neil saw her shoulders go rigid with tension. Neil stared at Abby's face as she stared at her mess of a torso, watching Abby's gaze sweep over the brutal marks of a hideous childhood.
It started at the base of her throat, a looping scar curving down over her collarbown. A pucker with jagged edges was a finger width away, courtesy of a bullet that hit her right on the edge of her kevlar vest. The exit wound on the back of her shoulder was even more gruesome. A shapeless patch of pale skin from her left shoulder to her navel marked where she had jumped out of a moving car and torn herself raw on the asphalt. That was the biggest of the marks, stretching and pulling any time Neil didn't slather it with lotion that she kept in her bag, but most of it was covered under her bandages. Faded scars crisscrossed all over from her life on the run, either from accidents, desperate escapes, or conflicts with local lowlifes. Along her abdomen were larger overlapping lines from confrontations with her father's people. Her father wasn't called The Butcher for nothing; his weapon, and his people were all skilled in knives. It had been on more than one occasion where Neil had been stuck up or sliced as little more than a pig. Her stomach displayed the graveyard of that, hardly an inch at a time or more than unmarred skin. The bandages were the only break from the marks, though they were just as plentiful under the fabric too. A chunk of her right breast was missing, hacked off by her father himself in Seattle, as well as a gash through the top from some criminal or another. The left wasn't unaffected from the terrible roadrash, either, as well as more marks.
And there, on her right shoulder, was the perfect outline of a hot iron. Neil didn't remember what she had said or done to irritate her father so much. Likely, it was after another one of the local police's visits. The police and feds had nothing concrete to pin on her father, but they came around as often as they could in hopes of finding something. Neil's job was to stay quiet and still until they left again. She guessed she'd twitched a little too much, probably making her father rip the iron from her mother's hands as soon as they were gone. Neil had always been taught to be still, and she was likely still through the whole thing, to get such a clear imprint. It had stretched with growth, of course, but it remained clear and obvious in its shape. No, Neil didn't remember how it happened. She only remembered how her skin had looked as it peeled off, stuck to the metal face of the iron. She remembered the smell too, something that clogged her nose for days.
Neil twisted her hands in her shirt, and lifted her arms, baring her forearms. "Do I have track marks?"
"Neil," Abby said softly.
"Do I or don't I?"
Abby's mouth thinned to a hard line as she forcibly redirected her attention to take a deep breath. Then she said, "What's under the bandages?"
"Why?"
"I'm a nurse. If you have an injury, I would like to treat it. If you're binding your breasts, I would like to know why."
"Why?"
"Because there are resources I could get you involved with. Part of your medical expenses covered by the school would include hormone treatment, if you were interested in taking testosterone. I could also provide athletic tape or a binding bra to use instead, since it would be safer and possibly more comfortable for you as an athlete."
Neil swallowed, but it didn't do anything for the tremor in her voice. "Okay."
Abby raised an eyebrow. "Okay for what? You better not be telling me you have an injury under there."
"No injury. I'll take the tape. And the bra."
She nodded, and pulled a roll of the black tape from one of her drawers to toss to Neil. "I don't have a binder bra currently, but I can order for you. If you're interested, we could possibly look into a removal surgery sometime next summer if you wanted. I also have a few more questions to ask. You can put your shirt back on."
Neil silently tugged it back on and waited.
"Are you on any hormone altering medication right now?"
"No."
"Like I said, let me know if you want to be. Are you currently taking any form of birth control?"
"No."
"Same goes for that. When was your last period?"
Neil didn't think Abby would like to hear that she'd never had one. "A while ago. They're not regular."
"Come to me if you need supplies or pain medication for some reason. Is there anything else I should know about?"
Neil shook her head. She nodded, then filled out the rest of the forms in silence, then gave her a shaky smile. "We're done. I will get that bra to you as soon as it comes in."
Neil grabbed her duffel, and escaped her office as quickly as possible. She half-expected her to follow, but Abby stayed in her office and left her alone. Neil paced, trying to work off her agitation. There was nothing for her to do once the roll of tape was dropped into her duffel. She wanted a cigarette so badly her fingers ached. She wanted something to ground her, yet to pull her away. She wanted to feel less alone. She stroked hands over her shirt, over her flat chest, making sure she was covered. All her shirts were at least a size too big, since baggy clothes hid everything better, and her binding job was as reliable as ever. Still, she felt far too raw and exposed.
She went down the hall with every intention of waiting the rest of the afternoon away in the inner court. She made it as far as the foyer when a door opened behind her. Neil hesitated at the exit and looked back as someone stepped into the lounge at the other end of the hall. The new arrival seemed startlingly tall, compared to the Foxes Neil had put up with so far this summer. Nicky was almost six feet, and Kevin was an inch or two taller, but the man she recognized as Matthew Boyd looked halfway to seven. Part of the illusion Neil blamed on the black hair which he had gelled into spikes.
Neil did her best to breathe past the sudden lump in her throat, and forced herself to shake his hand, and to keep her eyes from sliding to his arms. His short sleeves did nothing to hide the faded but obvious track marks on both arms. No wonder Abby was so adamant about that part of the check-up.
"Matt Boyd," he said, giving Neil's hand a firm shake. "I'm a junior this year, and I'm the Foxes' starting backliner. You must be Neil."
She was saved the trouble of answering. Wymack had heard Matt's arrival, and he came out of his office already hurling a key ring at Matt's spiky head. The jangling got Matt's attention, and he turned in time to get smacked on the cheek with the keys. Matt snagged the ring as it fell, and made a face at Wymack.
"Jesus, Coach, good to see you too. When did we move past a simple hello?"
"I could say the same for you, stomping past my door like that without so much as a by-your-leave," Wymack said, and Neil repressed a snort at Wymack getting as close to pouting as she had ever seen.
"You looked busy."
"I'm always busy. That's never stopped you assholes from interrupting me before."
Matt shrugged, and looked around. "Where are the monsters?"
"Probably razing Fox Tower to the ground as we speak. You met Neil?"
"I was trying." Matt sent Neil a knowing look. "I can't believe you put up with Coach this long. How did you survive?"
"I wasn't around much," Neil said truthfully.
"Neil's been training with Kevin and Audrey every day," Wymack said. "They let him in on their little night practice club too."
"Oh god," Matt said with feeling. "You're awful, Coach. Much worse than I thought you were if you're letting Kevin have him."
"He knows it," Abby said, stepping in her office doorway and propping her shoulder against the doorframe. "Welcome back, Matt. Did you have a safe drive?"
"Safe enough, but I drank so much coffee I probably won't sleep for a week," Matt said, then looked to Neil again. "Already settled?"
"Coach wouldn't let me move in without you."
"Way to keep him waiting," Wymack said, although Neil was pretty sure Matt was an hour early. "Take him and get out of here."
"Come on," Matt said. "I'll swing you past Coach's place to get your things."
"This is it," Neil said.
Matt looked at her bag, then around the room for a suitcase that didn't exist, then flicked a questioning look to Wymack, who shook his head.
"That's a joke, right? You should see how much I crammed into my truck, and how much I had to leave behind, and you expect to last a year with one bag? That thing have magical expanding powers I don't know about, or something?"
"Yes," Neil said flatly.
"You get to take him shopping later," Wymack said. "On your own time, not mine. I'm sick of seeing him in the same clothes over and over. Just let me know when you're going and I'll give you the p-card so we can expense it."
Neil was mildly offended. "I have money."
"Good for you," Wymack said. "I thought you two were leaving."
"Didn't miss you at all," Matt said, but there was no heat in his voice. "Let's go, Neil."
Matt's truck was parked two spaces down from Wymack's, a monstrous blue thing that looked like it could eat a hole through the stadium without slowing. Matt hadn't been joking about how many things he had stuffed it with, either, filled with so much furniture that Neil was impressed that only a dozen taut cords kept it all from falling out. The back seats in the extended cap were also full of suitcases and crates. Matt took a backpack out of the passenger seat and tossed it in the back with the rest so Neil could fit. The truck came to life with a quiet roar that Neil felt more than she heard, and the radio blasted to life half a second later. Matt cut it off, and yanked his door closed.
"We're not all bad, just so you know," Matt said as he pulled out of the parking lot. "Dan hated that your first impression of us would be the do-nothings. She was pretty sure you wouldn't stick around long enough to meet the rest of us. She thought about coming back to campus early to be a buffer, but Coach told her not to bother- said you had to deal with them eventually."
"They're something," Neil said.
"Something," Matt huffed. "That's the tamest description of them I've ever heard. Seriously, though. If they give you any trouble, just let me know. I'll kick Kevin's ass for you."
"Thanks, but I can handle them on my own."
"I thought I could handle them, too." He raked a hand through his hair, skewing the spikes every which way, though they all began to rise back to their original positions. "Audrey made it pretty clear she wasn't going to be handled by anyone. You change your mind, you know where to find me. My offer's good through graduation."
Neil wouldn't need Matt's help, and certainly wouldn't last through either of their graduations, but she said, "Thanks."
Matt pointed out the windshield. "There it is."
It took them half an hour to get all the shit out of Matt's car, and another hour to get everything set up with all the rearranging and reassembling of furniture. Finally, as Neil was evaluating the beds, Matt said, "I'm heading out to get Dan and Renee from the airport. Want to come with?"
"I've got to run by the store," she said. "Do you care which bed you sleep in?"
"I'm too tall to sleep up top, and Seth keeps weird hours, so unless you've got a thing with heights, you're better off in the loft. I'll be back in an hour or so, and you can hitch a ride with us to the court when the girls are settled. Dan won't believe you're okay until she sees you with her own eyes, though."
"I'll be back by then."
Neil waited until the door closed behind her before shrugging her bag off her shoulder. She walked laps around the dorm room again, this time with a sinking feeling in her gut. Her locker was on the other side of campus, Wymack's drawer even further away. The only thing the dresser had going for it was that the drawers shut. Nothing had a lock except the front door. She could take it with her, but not feasibly with all the things she needed to buy. With the girls and Matt's trip back from the airport, if she left now, she could probably be fine. Audrey had already seen its contents, and the athletic tape was the only addition, and would be inconspicuous no matter the suspicion bubbling under her skin about it. She would have to leave it, and look for a better solution at the store.
The next room down was the girls', and the cousins' room was after that. Nicky was lounging in the door. He smiled when he saw Neil, but Neil shot him a glare and kept walking.
Neil took the stairs down, checked her watch at the front door, and ran to the store. The conditioned air felt like heaven on her warm skin as she paced the aisles, taking what she needed without lingering long over the details. She stocked up on everything from bed sheets to hair dye and groceries, and then backtracked for a bag. The duffel was the perfect size for everything she owned, which meant there was no room for schoolbooks and notebooks. She checked the small hardware section, didn't find a lock she thought she could install in anything in her room, and went back to the office and school supplies. At the end of the row were fireproof safes that were large enough for her binder. She lugged one along with her to checkout, and piled her basket contents on the belt. A few minutes later, she was setting a brisk pace back to the dorm no matter how awkward the safe made the trip.
She had made good time, but the girls' flight must have landed ahead of schedule, since the truck was parked when she returned. She shouldered her way inside, running upstairs with her heart hammering in her chest. Nicky's door was closed, but now the girls' was partly open. Neil heard voices on her way past, but didn't slow to say hello. She hurried to her room, only relaxing when she found it still locked and could breathe even easier when Matt wasn't inside.
Neil forced herself to breathe. She dumped her bags on the bedroom floor to sort through her new things. The sheets went up to her bed in their packaging still, and she piled the scant groceries on the dresser. She ripped the cardboard padding on the safe, skimming the directions and warnings, and set it up to slide the binder in. With that done, she finally breathed a true sigh of relief. Half the pitiful groceries went into her bottom drawer with the rest of the more suspicious contents of her duffel, and then her new Foxes sweatshirts, white and orange, went over top of everything. All her clothes filled the next drawer, but that was it. She took the rest of the groceries to the kitchen, and finally took her new sheets and towels to the laundry in the basement. It was the perfect place to hide until they were clean, and she jogged back up the stairwell to put them on her bed.
She wasn't lucky enough to miss the rest of the Foxes a second time.
Dan Wilds spotted her, and immediately split into a smile. The Foxes' captain was taller than her, but not by much. She swept Neil with a quick head-to-toe, dark eyes assessing but still crinkled as she stuck out a hand.
"Hi, Neil," she said, and Neil shook her hand. "Matt was just telling us about you."
Us turned out to be Renee Walker, standing just behind Dan, a few inches taller than both of them with rainbow ends to her hair, a cross necklace, and a gentle smile that set Neil's teeth on edge. Before Neil could say anything else, the door down the hall banged open, and the cousins spilled out.
"Neil," Kevin barked, and Neil didn't suppress her sigh. "You have night practice with us tonight. Don't forget now that you're not at Wymack's anymore."
"He can't," Dan snapped, the smile she had offered Neil gone without a trace. "No one plays today after blood tests. That's the rule."
"Not for Neil. He's too far behind the rest of us to miss even a night."
"No," Dan decided, then folded her arms. "Argue with Coach."
"First day back and fighting already," Nicky said, "Just like old times. Hi, Renee!"
Renee, who hadn't lost her smile, turned it on Nicky. "Hello, Nicky. It's good to see you all doing well."
Audrey jerked her head, cueing her group forward. "Dan, your bias is cruel and unprofessional."
"The only thing that's unprofessional is Kevin pushing my players when he knows he's not allowed. Don't be an idiot, Kevin. Neil doesn't have any meat on his bones. It's not safe for any of us to play, let alone him."
"He can make his own decisions," Kevin spat, not stopping on his way down the hall. "Come on, Neil. You're driving to the stadium with us."
"Oh, is he?" Dan challenged.
They all looked at Neil. The fact that it was suicidal didn't mean much anymore, but the idea of sitting next to Nicky set her skin crawling again. She had been vulnerable far, far too many times today. Still, Neil had massive damage control today.
"You'll be giving up your precious front seat, Kevin," Neil said. "Thanks in advance."
Still, for just a moment, Neil flicked her eyes to meet Audrey's. Kevin had more than enough to say, but they all knew where the final decision lay, and this time it was given in a miniscule nod before Audrey kept walking, Neil hurrying to keep up.
"I'm timing you," Dan called after them. "I know how long it takes to get to the court from here, especially with the way you drive. You take him straight there, you get me?"
Nicky was the one to wave his hand dismissively. "Have a little faith in a guy, Dan."
"That's Renee's job, not mine. Mine is to make sure we start the year with ten working bodies."
"It's not like we're going to kill him."
"Shut up, Nicky," Audrey finally said as they made it to the elevator.
Neil again was surrounded on all sides, and she had to dig nails into her palms just to breathe. No one contested her claim to the passenger seat after Audrey had given her clear approval, so Neil buckled herself in the silence that lasted until they made it to the stadium.
They reached it a full minute ahead of the more law-abiding upperclassmen. Still, as they made it inside, Matt said, "Are you bleeding anywhere?"
"Nowhere vital," Neil said.
Renee intervened before her friends could react. "Let's wait in the lounge for Seth and Allison? We've got a while and it'll be more comfortable than standing."
"Maybe they'll get in a crash and won't make it," Nicky said hopefully.
"Really, Nicky?" Renee said. "That's a little inappropriate, don't you think?"
She said it gently, hints of that same smile on her face, but Neil felt the rebuke. It was subtler, but somehow more deadly than the dirty looks Matt and Dan were sending Nicky, maybe because she was so sweetly disappointed in Nicky's attitude. Nicky dropped his gaze from hers and gave an uncomfortable shrug.
"Let's go," Dan said, and led the way into the locker room.
Wymack and Abby were perched on the entertainment center in the lounge when they arrived. Dan's annoyance faded under real warmth as she greeted the pair. Audrey's group went straight to one of the couches while Matt waited for the girls on the other. Neil picked a chair where she could keep an eye on everyone. After Renee's friendly greetings, she retired to Matt's couch. They left a space between them for Dan. Dan stayed with Wymack a little while longer, chatting animatedly about the summer Exy major leagues.
It took almost twenty minutes for the final two Foxes to arrive, and Neil felt the tension in the room change when the door banged open. Neil noted her teammates' reactions, and mentally divided the team into four groups: Dan's three, Audrey's four, the new two, and herself.
"Nice to see you two, too," Wymack said, dryly.
Allison skipped him to nod at Abby. "You survived the summer."
"By the grace of God," Abby said, and Neil's lips twitched. "It doesn't get easier, that's for sure."
Allison swept the room with a look, lip curling a little in scorn as she spotted Audrey's group. Her gaze settled on Neil, and she studied her for a moment, expression calculating. "I'm going to sit with you."
She crossed the room to perch on the arm of her chair. There wasn't really room for her there; she had to lean against her to keep her balance, and wind an arm around Neil's shoulders to keep from sliding off after crossing her legs at the knee. The move slid her short hem further up, showing a healthy stretch of toned, tanned thighs.
Neil saw it in her peripheral vision, but kept her gaze on Allison's face. Her skin stung with the memory of her mother's heavy blows. Life on the run meant no time for friends or relationships, and maybe it was something wrong with her, or maybe she had that belief so strongly pressed into her, but she had never given any lingering looks. Still, afraid of her daughter spilling secrets over a childish crush, she beat her like she could kill any potential hormones with her bare hands. As if Neil could feel anything but disgust regarding any sort of sexual acts after the blotchy memories she tried so hard to squish. A childhood full of unwanted touching, sweaty hands groping at her and she could never get away, up until that terribly cold night in Germany.
Neil shoved down a shiver, then stood with something that felt a little too close to her father's smile ripping across her mouth, "Here. Since you want to sit here, it's all yours."
"No, this-"
But Neil took a spot on the floor, and forcibly pushed all thoughts out of her head, then turned her attention to Wymack. She could throw herself into Wymack's arms in gratitude, because he immediately started the meeting.
"First order of business, Neil Josten, our new striker sub. Got anything to say?"
Neil shook her head, and Wymack jerked a thumb at Seth, then Allison. "You already met everyone else. Here's the last of them: Seth Gordon, starting striker, and Allison Reynolds, our defensive dealer. Questions, comments, concerns? Anyone?"
Seth pointed at Neil, and said angrily, "I'm fucking concerned–"
Neil guessed Wymack had heard this argument before, because he spoke over Seth like he didn't hear him. "Alright, then. Moving on. Abby?"
Abby got down from her perch and passed out stapled packs of paper while he spoke. "Same boring forms as always. Sign your names on the appropriate lines and give these back to me first thing tomorrow. You can't practice until I have these on file.
"Summer practices start at 8:30. Enjoy sleeping in while you can, because we're moving to six when we start the semester. We're meeting at the gym, I repeat, the gym. If you're here late because you came here instead of the gym, I will put my shoe through your face. You've only been gone for a month, and I know you all know how this works."
"Yes, Coach," the team chorused.
"Physicals get done before you leave today. Audrey, you're first, Seth, you're second. The rest of you draw straws or something, it's up to you. Don't even think of leaving before you've seen Abby. The last order of business from me today is our schedule."
"Already?" Matt said. "It's June."
"We don't have dates yet, but the ERC's made some changes that will make this spring look like a cakewalk. They're notifying the coaches in our district one by one to try and control the fallout. It has the potential to get ugly."
"How could it be worse than the shit we dealt with last year?" Seth asked.
Matt counted off on his fingers. "The break-ins, threatening phone calls, rabid press, vandalism, meth lab, death threats…"
The death threats were pretty creative, though," Nicky said. "Maybe this time they'll follow through and actually kill one of us. Let's vote. I nominate Seth."
"Fuck you, faggot," Seth said.
"I don't like that word," Audrey said. "Don't use it."
"I would say 'fuck you, freak' but then you wouldn't know which one of you I was talking to."
"Don't talk to us at all," Aaron said. "You never have anything useful to say."
"Enough," Wymack said. "We don't have time for petty bullshit this year. We've got a new school in our district."
Neil glanced at Kevin, where he sat white-faced and rigid. Four men on one couch meant Audrey's group was crushed together with Kevin and Audrey in the middle. Kevin, no matter how tense and shaking, couldn't compare to the terrifying little smile that crept across Audrey's face. Neil wondered if Audrey had gone straight from dropping Neil off that night of Columbia to interrogating Kevin. Good, Neil thought. Kevin deserved every second of bitching that Audrey gave him for that.
"Edgar Allan's come south."
Shock silenced the team, but not for very long.
"No way," Dan said sharply. "That isn't funny, Coach."
Seth apparently thought otherwise, because he started laughing. Aaron and Nicky proved that they hadn't been told, because they were nearly drowning out Matt as they all demanded explanations. Allison made a shrill noise of disbelief, but Renee, like Neil, kept her eyes on Audrey.
Wymack tried explaining it, but eventually all of the team latched onto Audrey's smile.
It was Kevin, though, so quietly that Neil could barely hear him, who said. "The ERC shouldn't have approved it."
"You said he would come for you," Audrey reminded him.
"I didn't know it would be like this."
"Liar," Audrey said, and that was the end of the matter. She got up, making to leave, not stopping until Kevin opened his mouth.
"Please, Audrey. Please."
"You know how much I hate that word."
"Audrey-"
"I already fucking promised. Don't make me repeat it for a third time, Day. Don't you believe me?"
Kevin visibly relaxed. Neil rolled her eyes. The dead edge melted out of his eyes as he absorbed every ounce of strength that he drew from Audrey's own strength. The unwavering trust Kevin had in her was amazing. How he thought one psychotic knife-obsessed asshole could protect him against a family as twisted as the Moriyamas, Neil didn't know. Neil thought she should be impressed, but all she felt was that lingering bitterness. She swallowed hard, pushing the jealousy aside, and looked away.
Wymack nodded. "The ERC will make their official announcement later this month. They agreed to wait until you were all here where it's easier for us to protect you. That doesn't mean you can be careless. Chuck- that's our university's president- has issued orders that reports stay off our campus without a police escort this summer. You'll see twice as many campus police all around, and I need all of you to save their number to your phones just in case. Understand?"
Neil didn't have or want a phone, but still joined the others in saying, "Yes, Coach."
The room went quiet, and Neil couldn't stand it anymore. She needed to find a place safe enough to dredge back up each of her walls to shield herself with. "Anything else, or are we finished?"
"This is a big deal," Dan reprimanded, "It changes everything. You don't understand."
"Neil found out when Kevin, and apparently Audrey, did. In May." Wymack said, exasperated. "I already had the talk with him, so he understands just fine. And no, there's nothing else. Abby, they're all yours. Do with them what you will."
Neil got to her feet, and started for the door without another glance. Dan tried to call her back, but Abby quieted her. Only Renee caught up to her outside.
"Unfortunately this news means Audrey can't give you a ride back to the dorm. She has her physical, and then will have to wait around for the rest of her family, and that probably trumps any agreement you two had. If you're okay with waiting a bit, though, you're more than welcome to ride with us. There's plenty of room in Matt's truck."
Neil meant to say no, but what came out instead was, "why does Kevin trust Audrey?"
Renee smiled. "Because he knows he can."
"With so much at stake?" Neil pressed, as if she didn't understand. "With so much at stake he honestly thinks Audrey is enough?"
"Neil," Renee said gently, holding her hand out to her. "Neil, please wait for us."
"No," Neil said, immediately retreating from the hand. "No, I know the way. Thank you."
Neil rolled the papers into a tube and jogged away. Renee didn't call after her, but she felt the stare on the back of her head all the same. As soon as she reached the far edge of the parking lot, she sped to a full print. The run did nothing to calm the restless anxiety gnawing at her stomach. She reached the dorm in worse spirits than she had left the stadium in.
She dropped to her knees and yanked at her dresser, hurriedly unloading her sweatshirts to get to the safe. She punched the code in, and undid the combination lock, needing to see her binder. She went through it, cover to cover, checking and recounting everything once, then twice. By the time she finished the third time through, she could finally breathe a little easier.
Still.
Neil should never have come here. She shouldn't have stayed once she heard about the district change, let alone once finding out who the Moriyamas were. Audrey was the only one who knew of the binder, and she obviously hadn't told any of the other Foxes, and she hadn't touched it again, but just the knowledge of it was enough to set Neil on edge. It was hers. Audrey even knowing about it was violating.
Panic told her to leave right then. Go and never come back, but Neil couldn't move. A quieter voice beneath her fear kept her from getting up again. Neil still remembered Kevin's breakdown at Wymack's last month. Kevin's fear had cut him open, because Neil knew that feeling. Every day Neil woke up and relearned how to breathe again and again. She gave herself two minutes to calculate her chances of getting caught, weigh the benefits of staying wherever she was, and talk herself through that fear. She was forever and constantly drowning in the fear that she had only seen forced on Kevin twice.
Did Kevin do the same? The dead look Kevin turned on Audrey today was the same Neil saw in her reflection every time she looked. When Neil stopped acting, when she stopped worrying about who was watching, when she let go of the very lies keeping her alive, that was the only face she could make.
Neil repacked her safe. She dug out the cigarettes bought at the store earlier. She went to the window, undid the two locks that kept it closed, and shoved the pane up as far as she could. A screen kept her from leaning out, but she pressed against it so hard it creaked. She lit a cigarette and watched it burn. The acrid smell of smoke and fire took the edge off her nerves, but the familiar and quiet grief that followed made everything worse.
No matter how alike she and Kevin really were, the critical difference between them made Neil feel worlds away from this. Kevin had Audrey to lean on, and Neil had no one. Whether Neil left today or tomorrow, or next week, she would leave alone. Two, five, ten years from now, If Neil was even still alive, she would still be alone. She could be anyone, anywhere in the world, but she would be alone until the day she died.
That was why Neil couldn't go.
Kevin had Audrey, and Audrey was making Kevin real. She wasn't just something to stand on, she was the only driving force behind Kevin Day left. She was the one thing making Kevin real.
Neil should run. Neil should have run, but she was still here. Because she wasn't real, but Kevin was. She wasn't real except to her mother's bones somewhere in California, and to the vague memory of her in Kevin's mind.
Neil Josten wasn't real, but she would stay in Palmetto anyway.
She sucked in a slow, deep breath, trying to inhale as much smoke as she could, and watched as her cigarette burned down to the filter. She went through two more before her roommates showed up. Neil stubbed the third out when she heard the front door open, and scraped the ash off the windowsill onto the carpet. She ground the ash in with a shoe, stuffed what was left of the butt into the pack for later, and kicked her things back into some semblance of order.
She went out, only to be met with Seth's rant that she turned out, until it turned to her after many long minutes, while Matt sat next to her.
"And to make it all worse, I get stuck with a fucking amateur as a sub!"
"Kevin approved him," Matt said.
"Like that makes me feel any better." Seth glared at Neil, and Neil stared back. She was unimpressed by his rage. He was too simple to be any sort of threat to her, aside from that temper. Her apathy only served to incense Seth further. "We were a bad joke, but now we're a practical one. When the others find out about this, we're going to win our games only because they'll be too busy laughing to take us seriously. We were supposed to make it this year. I trusted Kevin to pick our sub because he said he could get us past the championship death match, but this is repulsive."
"At least give Neil a chance," Matt said.
"Day is fucking with us. It isn't right."
"This attitude isn't right," Matt said, pointing at Neil. "Kevin would never recruit someone just to make us look bad, because we do that well enough on our own. If you want us to win this year, then act like it. We need a cohesive offensive line. Since you and Kevin are a lost cause, you're going to have to make it work with Neil."
"He's short, he can't play, and he looks like he has an attitude problem."
"Coach says he's got potential." Matt looked at Neil appraisingly. "Audrey says you're fast."
Neil frowned. "When did she say that?"
"When do you think, wiseass?" Seth asked. "We talked all kinds of shit about you when you booked it."
"Dan asked what they thought of you," Matt said before Neil could ask. "Nicky thinks you need more time with us, Aaron says you have to be more aggressive. Kevin didn't say anything, but he was distracted, I guess. But Audrey bets you could outrun everyone on this team. Coach said you clocked a four-minute mile back in Arizona. Is that true? You're a little short to run so fast."
"I like running," Neil said.
"Fuck running," Seth said. "Learn to score. Word is you can't score on Audrey."
Neil shrugged. "Not yet, but she refuses to practice with me. Says she won't until Kevin's made me more interesting."
"Then I'm with her. When you score on her, talk to me. Until then, stay out of my way, and try not to drag down my line too much."
"Welcome to the Foxhole Court," Matt added dryly as Seth grabbed his suitcase and stormed into the bedroom. "Hey, let's hit downtown for dinner tonight. We might as well enjoy ourselves before this blows up in our faces, and I don't want to be here when Audrey gets back. Can you two handle each other while I check with the girls?"
"Probably."
Which was true, by the time Matt came back, but only because they ignored each other. All the upperclassmen headed downtown, Neil in tow, which was just a strip of streets branching off campus that housed all sorts of shops and restaurants. With no students, it was oddly empty, and just how Neil decided she preferred it. They ended up at a place that was half bar, half pizza joint. Conversation and all of dinner was a loud, tenuous affair that was equal parts stressful and relaxing. She stayed out of it, mostly, once she decided that there had been enough interactions. The only other times she spoke was if Matt or Dan purposefully dragged her into conversation.
Dan and Matt disappeared halfway through dinner, only to return at the end of the meal looking fairly disheveled. Allison and Seth split early, which meant Renee and Dan took up camp in Neil and Matt's living room. For once, the more people were a comfort to have there. Neil would take the two women over Seth being present while she showered anyway. The comfort of having them there was strong enough that for the first time since Columbia, Neil stripped free of her boxers before her shower.
Neil came out to find only Matt, who gave her a smile. "Mind if I shower too?"
"It's all yours."
"Renee told me to tell you that Kevin won't come by tonight, because Audrey is staying with Wymack. Apparently Kevin won’t practice without her there. I won’t complain, though, if it means you can avoid Kevin’s bitching. After spending the summer with them so far, I can’t imagine how you’re still here.”
Neil just shrugged. It didn’t take Matt long to head to the shower after that. Neil climbed in her bed, staring at the ceiling above her. The bed was so empty without Mary tucked against her back, and no gun tucked beneath her pillow. A part of her was grateful all the same.
Alone and unarmed, Neil dreamt of her father waiting for her on the Foxhole Court.
Notes:
working on a reverse foxes au where neil is the first to join the team which is why this is a little later than i wanted it to be. anyway if you saw any mistakes no u didn't, it's late and i'm tired. maybe i'll come back tomorrow and fix any that i find. for now u are on ur own
Chapter 5: doctor dobson
Notes:
hey srry this is later than i wanted it i randomly locked in and decided i had to finish the stormlight archives and also half my craft to do list. i also edited and am posting this on my phone so lmk if there’s a glaring problem
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Her first day on the court with the Foxes, Neil wanted to pull her hair out by lunch. The only thing that stopped it was the sheer confusion of Abby coming out of her office in time to call Neil over. She left her helmet where it was, and was met with Abby, closing the door behind her.
She had made lunch. She had made two lunches, packed them, and brought them to the court so that she could eat her lunch alongside Neil. Neil felt her face warm, something in her chest twinging at the action.
"I hope you don't mind," Abby said, smiling nervously. I usually eat a little later, but it'll probably curb some of my snacking, so it'll be good for both of us."
"Of course I don't mind," Neil finally managed. "Thank you."
Abby's eyes warmed even more, and she pulled chairs out for both of them. "I usually have my lunches with Betsy, but she wasn't able to make it today. You won't mind if she joins us tomorrow, right?"
Neil's immediate reaction was a firm no. She maintained her strong anti-shrink policy, but she didn't want to publicize the fact that she had to be made lunch. It was a weakness far too exploitable, and she was surrounded by assholes, let alone Audrey. Neil just hoped she managed to keep a neutral expression as she shrugged.
Abby laughed. "She won't try to therapize you, or anything. We usually just gossip, I promise. We're old college friends, actually, so we go way back. Her neighbors are crazy, you'll see tomorrow."
Neil nodded, and let her talk for the rest of their short lunch before the nurse sent her back to the team. Neil thanked her, but was brushed away as she went back to her work.
By the end of the day, she had no idea how the Foxes made it to the championships last spring. Her guess that the team was made up of four groups was partially accurate. The lines she had drawn were flexible, though, because Allison seemed to flip back and forth between Seth and the girls, and Seth would retreat to Matt. It seemed Allison and Seth didn't believe in middle ground, either slinging vile insults at each other, or making out in the locker room that evening, regardless of who might be around. Neil didn't know what triggered the abrupt and constant change in emotions. She hoped she never understood.
Though she was dreading it, she didn't want to avoid Betsy enough to make herself stand out. After morning conditioning and warm-up drills, Neil once again wound up in Abby's office, this time with Betsy Dobson. She was nearly mousy, but erred just on the side of too neat, with her thick glasses and bun. She smiled at Neil and Abby as they took their same spots from yesterday.
"Hello, Neil, it's nice to finally meet you."
Neil nodded at her, then took a big enough bite of pasta salad that she wouldn't have to answer.
"Usually Betsy and I take turns making lunch and sharing it," Abby said between bites, "but while I'm figuring out what's best for your weight gain, I'll handle most of the cooking, which means Betsy is going to have to make up for eating my food by making conversation."
Betsy smiled. "All benefits, in my eyes, so fortunately that's a task I think I can do."
Half an hour later, Neil made her way back to the court. Betsy hadn't asked her a single question, had only filled Neil in on some seemingly pointless problem she was having with her neighbor, and then gave Abby the update that was hardly anything, just that her neighbor had moved Besty's trash can close enough to the curb that the garbage truck couldn't collect it. Neil couldn't even fathom living such a mundane life that that would be her main concern. The thought alone made her dizzy.
By Wednesday, Neil hadn't wanted to think she had the Foxes all felt out, but they were so stagnant in their behavior that there was no other conclusion to come to. She had no idea how they were going to do well this year either. Every second not spent actively working was interrupted or ruined by in-fighting. When Dan was acting as their captain, she ruled with the same angry spine Neil had seen a glimpse of that first day. She didn't hesitate to push people back into line, and the Foxes let her have any final say. Even Audrey followed her orders, something that had Neil pondering at any time she wasn't working too hard to remember it. It felt like Dan was the only thing holding the team together, even if it was by the barely existent seams.
Kevin knew more about the sport than any of them ever would, and Neil wasn't sure if his authority came from that, from his time as their assistant coach, or some unknown third reason, but any input he could've had was immediately washed away by his personality. He was hard to listen to without snapping back at, and caused all major arguments, all mostly between Seth. One wrong word to turn their arguments into physical brawls that they were yanked out of before they drew blood every time. That seemed to be Audrey's soft limit, as far as fights on the court. She would step in to protect Kevin, as evidenced by the few times Kevin had fought with Matt, who seemed to register as the only real threat to Kevin, but wouldn't interfere otherwise.
Matt was the brute force that kept all in line when Dan's word wasn't enough. Because of Kevin's hand, and Audrey's general apathy, Matt was also the best player on the team. Whatever happened between him and Audrey last year, he seemed to have an understanding with all the cousins, which is why he seemed to always be the one pulling Seth away from Kevin. For Seth's protection, they all knew. Neil didn't know if anyone but her knew that Audrey's armbands made their way on the court, but Matt seemed unwilling to chance it.
The one thing that did have Neil's nerves prickling was the relationship between Matt and Kevin. Due to an odd mix of strange understanding and Matt's talent, their defense line was always solid. It made the arguments constantly breaking between Seth and Kevin all the more irritating, and especially to Neil, who was ignored by Seth and always being picked at by Kevin. Matt was mostly free of Kevin's criticism, because of his skill and commitment and actually sturdy role, but Matt seemed to never hesistate flipping into antagonism if he didn't agree with Kevin's ceaseless complaining. Neil was alarmed to find it similar to Allison and Seth's relationship, only without the desperately sexual undertones.
Renee was the next in line, and the eye of the storm. She doled out friendly advice when she could, encouraged her teammates efforts, and played mediator occasionally. Running goal, she was usually too far away, and didn't follow in Audrey's example of slamming her racquet against the floor or wall. Audrey, though, seemed quite taken with her. Neil saw them talking off to the side several times. It was obvious no one else approved of the odd friendship, but neither goalkeeper paid any mind to the unhappy looks sent their way. Neil wasn't sure what to make of it. She was even less sure what to think of Renee and that undercurrent of warning that itched at her, making her hair stand on end, so Neil simply avoided Renee whenever she could.
The rest of the Foxes fell in under the main four, as far as Neil could see. Matt over the upperclassmen, Audrey over Kevin, Renee over the upperclassmen and the cousins, with Dan over all of them. Seth's position on the team varied the most. He was the team's only fifth-year, since everyone else from his starting line had quit or flunked out, but he was too much of an isolationist to make much of a difference on the court. His mood was so volatile, Neil was sure he had to be on something. Why Abby and Wymack hadn't put a stop to it, Neil didn't know. The only person who fought with Seth as much as Kevin was Nicky, though Nicky seemed to go out of his way for it, whereas Kevin just couldn't shut up.
Neil had no place in the hierarchy yet. She didn't know if she wanted one, but would get one either way with the things were stacking up. Dan tried her hardest to include her, checking on her any time she was near, but the captain had her hands full managing the rest of the team. Allison didn't take Neil seriously, Matt was always put against Kevin, too busy as his mark to get a true read, and Neil was still avoiding Renee however she could. That left Kevin and Seth.
Still, by Wednesday, she was pretty sure she had an idea for Seth.
Betsy was gone that day, which was a relief. Neil decided, while sitting in comfortable silence with Abby as they ate, that Dobson wasn't unpleasant, but was certainly better in small doses. The reason for the missing therapist strolled back onto the court after lunch, pulling her hair into as good a ponytail that she could manage with the sides shaved.
Neil, who had been slowly turning the idea over in her mind all day, made her way over to Audrey. Audrey acknowledged her with a glance, but was obviously waiting for Neil to speak first. Neil wasn't really afraid of Audrey, not anymore, but she was wary of crossing the lines that she wouldn't know existed until it was too late. Yet, she was going to have to start off on the wrong foot.
"Seth says he'll only start working with me if I score on you. We both know you don't care about Exy, so you must only be blocking my goals specifically because it pisses me off that you're doing it to me and not to Kevin." She waited, and took Audrey's following silence as the only confirmation she would get. "Can you let one of my shots in?"
Audrey finally secured her armor, and began buckling her helmet. "As you said, I don't care about Exy, and I care even less about Seth."
She said that, but when she was finished pulling on her gear, she didn't walk away. She tilted her head, eyeing Neil. Neil quickly spoke up.
"You want something out of it," Neil realized. "Is pissing off Kevin not entertaining enough?"
Audrey did seem to consider that. "Almost. Show me your real eyes."
Neil flinched back, and looked around. There was still no one else in the locker room, but it set her heart beating far too hard. She steeled herself, though, at the very idea of putting such a reminder of her father anywhere near herself with or without mirrors.
"I show you my eyes, and you let one of my goals get past you in today's scrimmage?"
"There's no need to specify the terms. I'm not a genie."
"No, genies don't ask for things in return."
"I'm waiting."
Neil raised a shaking hand to her face, and dragged her contact away from what she knew was that piercing blue. She slid the other contact aside before also resetting it, only because Audrey had asked for both. She then raised her eyebrows. "Satisfied?"
Audrey held up a hand, raising a finger. "One goal. You'll still have to work for it."
"I wouldn't want it any other way."
Audrey didn't let her take the goal until their day practice was almost over. Neil had just been switched from her team to be able to do it, and it made Matt whoop. Kevin barely spared her a glance. "That was nothing. Do that ten times in a row, and you might be of use to me."
Neil had only eyes for Audrey, though, who Neil gave the same old two fingered salute. Neil couldn't see, but she hoped Audrey was rolling her eyes.
Neither the goal nor the deal was mentioned for all of night practice, and Neil found she didn't mind it. She hadn't done it for Kevin, anyway, she had done it for Seth. After another lunch with Dobson and Abby, Neil finally went over to Seth.
"You said I had to get a goal past Audrey. I did. Will you actually work with me now?"
Seth snorted, and moved towards her threateningly. Neil tried not to roll her eyes.
"I don't know if Kevin is also teaching you how to be an asshole, but if I'm working with you, then you'll keep your mouth shut."
"As long as you stop playing like an asshole, then we should work fine. You aren't the only striker on the court. Try passing to me, and I might be able to score on Audrey again."
Seth opened his mouth, but was interrupted by Wymack's warning whistle. He then turned back, pointing a finger at Neil. "Day isn't everything. Listen to me and you'll get somewhere too. "
Neil held back her immediate retort and just nodded, and once again put everything she had into practice. Not that it helped much, but there was nothing else for her to do. Exy was why she was here, and that was what she was doing, after all, just surrounded by people that put her in so deeply over her head that Neil didn't know which way was up.
It didn't work the first day, but she hadn't really expected it to. On Friday, though, Seth at least acknowledged her existaence as a striker, and between the two of them, they scored on Renee enough times that only Kevin had something to say. The fist to the face that earned him from Seth was the last thing they did on the court that day though, since Wymack yelled at them all the way into the locker rooms.
Neil was more than desperate for the weekend, for the relief that sleeping in at least a few hours would bring her. Kevin was sure to drag her to the court sometime or another, not even counting night practices, but any time she could get away would be a relief. Even her subconscious was sliding away from nightmares, instead making her relive every exhausting hour spent in the plexiglass, it would be much needed.
Surprisingly, Kevin banged on the suite's door right after dinner. Matt was the one who opened it, then grimaced and stepped back. Neil, who was already halfway up from the couch and pulling free a gun that wasn't there, hurried over. "Ready?"
"Obviously. Hurry, we only have an hour."
"Why?"
Kevin squinted at her. "Eden's after this. Obviously. Audrey doesn't like waiting, but Nicky had to call Erik. Come on."
Neil chose not to point out they were already moving. Audrey took them to the court without complaint, having waited outside smoking a cigarette. She took her usual spot in the stands, and Neil couldn't help but notice that yes, she wasn't in her usual comfortable clothes. Her club clothes were again all black, and Neil had the passing though that they couldn't have been comfortable at all, with how tight they were.
Kevin and Audrey left, Neil staying to work on her Raven drills. It only meant no one was around to watch her complete the first Raven drill. She did it again and again, hearing Kevin in her mind demanding that she keep repeating her success. For that reason, she was was suddenly grateful that she had gotten it without anyone present. It didn't happen again, of course, but there were enough times that she knocked down five consistently that it was enough for her.
The dorm was blessedly empty, meaning another day where Neil could shower without her underwear. She left on the athletic tape she had taken to using, but scrubbed around it. Abby was right that it was far more comfortable, and provided some manouverability she hadn't had before. Digging through her dresser, Neil grimaced down at the pair of pajama pants Audrey had given her.
Was she supposed to give them back? Was she supposed to wash them first? It didn't feel very cohesive with dumping out the barf bag into her car just to launder the pajama pants before returning them. It didn't feel cohesive to return them at all, and that was the thought that prompted her to tug them on. Unfortuantely, they were mcuh softer than her own pair.
Seth was in the living room, sprawled across the entire couch. Both of them ignored each other as Neil dug out a snack that Abby wanted her to eat before bed, and then she went to brush her teeth. It was another night of falling into her bed, tired enough to skip the nightmares at least for that night.
Audrey's group must have been more hungover than they planned, because unlike Neil had predicted, Kevin only came banging on the door for night practice. Neil had spent her afternoon running, but didn't mind the buzz of Exy in her bones either, and especially when she hit all six cones twice more.
"You still have to master it," was all Kevin said, which was less insulting than she was planning for.
Sunday followed much the same as Friday, with Audrey and Kevin once more heading out early. Neil didn't know what determined a weekend where they had to go both days, let alone who was paying for it all. Probably Kevin, if Audrey had any say in it.
They had two weeks of practice before the ERC made an official announcement regarding the district change. The day's practice was over and the team was back at the dorm when Wymack called to warn them. Matt flipped on the TV and went to ESPN to see the segment. They'd missed seeing the news itself but had plenty of time to see each pitying and exaggerated reaction. Disapproval and disappointment seemed to be the running theme.
"Here it comes," Matt said. "They'll be all over us like white on rice. Coach's phone is going to be ringing off the hook for weeks."
"I didn't sign up to be a part of a freak show," Seth said, cracking open another can of beer. "Let's just send him back north and be done with it."
"Why do you hate him?" Neil asked.
Seth sighed. "God, kid, I knew you were stupid but I didn't think it was that bad."
"Why do you hate him so much," Neil clarified. "That you'd wish such a thing on him?"
"Because I'm sick of him getting everything he wants just because he's Kevin Day. Do you know what fame gets you, shitface? Everything. All he has to do is ask for it, and someone will give it to him. Doesn't matter what. Doesn't matter who. The world is dying to give him anything he wants.
"When he broke his hand, his fans cried for him. They flooded our locker room with letters and flowers. The amazing Kevin Day can't play anymore, they said. Their lives were over. They'd grieve the loss forever. But tell me." Seth said, leaning forward on the couch to stare at Neil. "When is the last time someone cried for you? Never, right? They're there for Kevin every step of the way, but where were they when we needed them?"
"So you're jealous?" Neil checked.
Seth motioned as if to throw his beer at Neil. "Fuck no, I'm not you. His life is not more important than mine just because he's more talented."
Neil snorted. "He can play better. I'm not saying his life is more important, but you both have the same horrible attitudes. Of course they'll choose him over you."
"Look here, motherfuck-"
"He has a point," Matt cut in. "This is your last year, Seth. Maybe it's time for a fresh start. Give the people someone to rally behind and you'll win them over."
"What's the point?" Seth slouched back on the couch again. "We're the laughingstock of the NCAA and Edgar Allan is going to messacre us this fall. It doesn't matter what I do. No one will ever recruit a Fox to the pros. They don't even send recruiters here."
"They did last year," Matt said.
"Yeah, and that did jackshit. Like I just said, Foxes don't make pros, and we sure as fuck won't this year. We're already the lowest in the distrct, we don't need to go any lower."
"Then try," Neil said. "Start acting like you give a fuck, and try. If the team was good enough to make it to semifinals last year, then it can again. If the recruiters are already there, it doesn't matter who they're there for. You can't just ignore a striker if you’re watching a game, so learn to play with Kevin to make sure they see you."
That time, Seth grabbed the empty beer can to throw at Neil. it bounced harmlessly off the hand she threw out to knock it aside with. "Now I know you're an idiot. Playing with him is impossible. You say I hog the ball and can't play like it's a team sport? Look at Day. That freak is so self centered he hasn't seen anything but the inside of his own ass for years."
Matt suddenly looked away, obviously clamping down on a laugh. Neil rolled her eyes. "But you're not good enough to get signed while playing like that. Even if you were, the only reason Kevin gets away with it is because of his name. You're right in that regard."
"So you're saying it's useless."
"I'm saying that if you work hard, you will get signed to the pros."
"And what would you even know about that? You look like you just barely stopped wetting the bed."
"Get over yourself," Neil huffed. "Like you said, no one in the pros has signed a Fox. So what? The program is barely five years old, that hardly means anything. Let's say even if you played like you did last year and you somehow got noticed, it wouldn't be a big team anyway. So what if you don't end up playing on the Barons, or the Sirens? You wouldn't want to anyway, because those teams would be full of Kevins."
Seth pushed himself to his feet. "I don't need to hear any more of this bullshit."
"This attitude is why you'll never get anywhere," Matt said. "Listen to Neil. He just wants to help you."
Seth pointed a finger at Neil, squinting his eyes at her. "Fine. You were obviously building to some pathetic grand speech or something. You have ten seconds to spit it out."
"Getting signed by a small pro league will give you enough money for your drug habit and to keep Allison satisfied," Neil shrugged, and then in a bout of pushing her luck, she said, "So get over yourself and stop playing like you're compensating for what must be a pretty fucking small dick."
Neil dodged the half full beer can thrown at her, idly watching it explode against the wall. Seth glared right at her. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Awesome attitude, Seth." Matt said. "Now you're going to have to clean that up, because I'm certainly not doing it. You can't get mad because Neil's right, and you're too big of a coward to even try. I will prove you wrong, if you're so set on not getting signed. Neil and I both will prove you wrong, right Neil?"
"I'm just here to play," Neil said. "I don't care about the future."
Matt stared at him. "You don't really believe that."
Neil shrugged. "Afraid so."
Matt looked between them. Seth rolled his eyes and heaved himself to his feet, either to start cleaning up his mess or to grab another beer. She didn't know if he looked more smug, or more angry, but it didn't look like she was going to get anymore beer cans hurled her way.
"I can't believe you two." Matt finally said. No one answered him, so he looked to the ceiling for answers. "I guess dinner plans are scratched, then. I'm not going downtown if the press is going to be out and about. I don't care how many campus police Chuck gave us, I'm not an idiot. Let's see about ordering in and watching a movie or something. You two sit here and wallow in self-defeat or something while I check with Dan."
Seth jeered at Matt's back as Matt left, then looked at Neil.
"Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought."
"Why? Anyone could spot your drug problem from a mile away, but even pro teams need seatwarmers."
"I take it back. I meant about playing while you're here."
"Sure," Neil said, then scrubbed her hand through her hair. "It won't matter either way."
Seth's talent didn't matter. Come October, Neil Josten would only be a fake name on the pile of others abandoned before it, left only in the memory of those who had known her here. Seth Gordon was only a blip in Neil's life, and hardly a big enough one to keep her from sleeping.
Classes were scheduled to start on Thursday, August 24th, so Wednesday's already messy practice was convoluted even worse. Neil had forgotten the Foxes were supposed to meet with Betsy Dobson before the semester began. Wymack scheduled them to go in pairs throughout the morning and tried to set them up in a way that didn't leave holes in his scrimmage lines. Matt and Dan went first, then Aaron and Kevin, Seth and Allison, then Nicky and Audrey. Neil and Renee were the last to go.
When Audrey and Nicky returned to the court, Wymack called Neil and Renee off. Audrey waited for them in the inner ring long enough to hand Renee her keys.
"Thank you," Renee smiled. "I'll take care of her."
"Kevin's not allowed to drive your car, but Renee is?" Neil couldn't help but ask.
"It's fun telling Kevin no."
"Audrey only lets me and Renee drive," Nicky said, but his smile didn't reach his eyes as he watched Renee turn the keys over in her hand. Neil couldn't be sure if it was from whatever warning Audrey must have given him after Eden's, or if it was more of the apparently popular belief that Audrey and Renee shouldn't be friends.
"Not Aaron?" Neil asked.
"Don't keep Bee waiting," Audrey said, and headed onto the court.
Nicky only shrugged and followed her. Neil glanced between Renee and Wymack, but neither had an answer for him. Renee only smiled warmly and said, "Shall we go?"
Neil and Renee split up in the locker room long enough to change out and freshen up; neither wanted to show up at Betsy's office a sweaty mess. Neil took her armor off, toweled dry, and changed into the lighter uniform they would need that afternoon for cardio. She beat Renee to the lounge and they left the stadium together.
After successfully avoiding being alone with Renee all summer, Neil was stuck with her for the drive across campus to Reddin Medical Center. She wanted to ask her why Audrey got along so well with her, but Neil didn't want to open a conversation at all, let alone with someone who set the back of her neck tingling like Renee. She just stared out the window and was pleased when Renee filled the silence with the radio.
There were more cars at Reddin than Neil expected, but she knew she shouldn't be surprised. The school year was the next day. Fox Tower was full, and she had seen traffic around campus as the rest of the student body moved into the other dormitories. Long practices and even longer night practices with all other time spent in her room meant she had avoided everyone so far, but people kept showing up at the dorm looking for Matt or Seth. Neil did her best to stay out of sight anytime someone knocked. She was glad to have the excuse of Wymack not releasing her name to hide, and wasn't quite sure what she would do when that ran out. Neil wanted to protect her anonymity as long as she could.
Renee signed them both in at the desk and went down the hall first. Neil settled on light blue couches by the entrance and tried to focus on her breath. She had brought a book, one for her Japanese class, but couldn't focus on any of it as she fruitlessly thumbed through it. She had liked Betsy just fine, but the thought of being locked in a room with her for even half an hour was too awful.
What felt like an eternity later, Renee and Betsy returned. Neil was once again thrown off by just how sweet the woman looked, but couldn't help a new feeling of dislike bubble up. Yesterday's lunch with her and Abby debating the merits of getting a dog was so far away.
"Hello, Neil. Good morning."
Neil made herself get up and cross the room. Renee smiled a little, something she dind't seem to stop doing, and sidled past her to take up her seat. Neil didn't bother returning the expression, only following Betsy down the hall and back to her office.
There was only one door open, and Betsy's name as on a plaque beside it. Neil invited herself in to look around. A chair and a couch faced each other with a short coffee table between them. A small potted plant was in the dead center of the table, and pillows were painstakingly arranged on both the couch and the chair. The desk in the corner was clear of everything but a hot plate and kettle. A short bookshelf was against the wall, but only the bottom three shelves had books on them. The top one was covered in glass knickknacks. Even their clutter looked clean, all equidistant to each other. This tracked with what Neil knew of Betsy already, of the careful way she always packed her lunches and the even more careful way she ate them.
"I know this is a bit of a change of pace from how you're used to interacting with me," Betsy began cheerfully, "But don't let that make you feel like you've lost your footing. Still feel free to call me Betsy, or if you want to place more boundaries, then Doctor Dobson would work just fine too. Even a good 'hey, you' will get my attention if you need it."
"Okay."
"Would you like me to keep calling you Neil, or is there something else you would like to go by?"
"Neil is fine."
"Then for the time being, I will call you Neil. If you're ever offended or feel this makes our relationship too personal, just warn me and I will edit it to something more appropriate. Sound fair?" When she didn't respond, Betsy said, "Why don't we get comfortable? I know you don't have a love of anything too sweet, so where I would usually offer hot chocolate, might I be right in asking about tea for you?"
"But it's August," Neil said.
"Tea is a great drink any time of year, don't you think?"
Neil just blinked at her. Betsy busied herself with the hot pot and kettle, and Neil hesitantly tugged some of the throw pillows free to set on the floor so none were touching her. She didn't see the point. Couches were for sitting on, not for decorating.
"As you know, today is a casual appointment so we can keep getting to know each other," Betsy said. She prepared two mugs with awaiting tea bags, then took a seat to wait for the water to heat. "This isn't a formal session where I'll be analyzing everything you say for feedback and advice, so don't stress too much about it. Have you seen a counselor before?"
"No."
"Well, I hope I can be a good starting point if that's something you would be interested in the future. All medical services rendered here are included in your scholarship, so never shy away. Palmetto State actually made it a policy a few years ago. The board expects a lot from all their students, and more from their athletic representatives. This way they're allowing you a way to vent some of the pressure and stress they're leveling on you."
"Keeping an eye on their investments, you mean," Neil said.
"That is a way of looking at it, yes." Betsy got up again, busying herself with pouring the tea. She brought the mugs back over to the coffee table. "I know we have gotten to know each other a little outside of this. I quite enjoy having lunch with you, actually, it's become a bright spot in my day whenever I have the time to come to the stadium. However, I know that the friendship between Abby and I is old and might feel a bit intimidating to feel like you're stuck in the middle of, so I would love if you took this opportunity to tell me a little bit about yourself, just me and you."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Where are you from?"
"Millport, Arizona."
"I haven't heard of it."
"It's a small place. The only people who live there are either too old to move out, or too young to leave. There's nothing to do except play sports or bingo. We only moved there because it's halfway between Tucson and Phoenix, really. My mother worked in one and my father the other."
"You don't really mention them," she said, neutrally. "What do they do?"
She hadn't talked about Neil Josten's family much in Millport, but of course, she had arrived in Arizona knowing who the Jostens were and what their problems were like. The answers she had kept from her high school classmates and coach would have to be good enough for Betsy.
"Mom is an engineer," Neil said. "Dad's halfway through CDL training."
"Will they come out to watch your first match?"
Neil affected surprise. "No. Why would they? They don't like sports and I'm all the way across the country."
"Exy is obviously very important to you, and you are their child," Betsy said. "What you've accomplished here is nothing short of amazing. I wondered if they might come out to support you, especially since you haven't had the easiest time settling in."
Neil blinked, muting her real surprise. "Audrey told you."
Betsy took a moment to blow on her tea before sipping it. "Audrey and I discuss plenty of things. However, as she is one of my clients, I will not and cannot share anything we discuss in our sessions that she has not given me express permission to share. It would be a violation of HIPAA and also her trust in me. Neither of those are things that I would want. Anything you share on the matter will be treated the same, but I cannot speak of what either of you say to each other."
She didn't know how to take that, so she took a step back to familiar ground. "No, I don't think my parents will come for any of my matches. They don't really–" she gestured, trying to look as if she was searching for a moment. "We're not close like that. They made sure I got to school and got my checkups and kept my grades up, that kind of thing, but they didn't know my teachers' names or watch any of my games. It's not going to change now that I'm in college. They live their lives, I live mine. It works for us."
"Does it?"
"I said it does," Neil said. She didn't want to be falsely analyzed. She didn't want Betsy to see through her lies, but she wanted Betsy to prod at her issue at Eden's even less. "They're my parents. That's just the way they've always been."
"It works for you, but does it bother you at all?"
"No. I worked hard to be here, I wouldn't want either of them here when they don't really understand what I found in Exy anyway."
"That's a mature view of it."
Neil shrugged. "Sure, if you say so. I wouldn't want them here if they did care. Not when the match is going to be an utter disaster, I mean."
"Do you feel like you're ready for it?"
"Yes and no. I know I'm not good enough to play with a Class I team, but I want to try. That's all that's been keeping me going this summer. I watch a lot of games on TV but I've never been in a real stadium on game night. We used a soccer field in Arizona that barely sat two thousand people, but it never filled to that many for Exy. Wymack said we've already sold out opening night. I want to see what the Foxhole Court looks like when it's full. I bet it's insane."
"And Friday doubles as your debut." Betsy said, and this was something that she had talked about with Abby. Betsy must have been giving her feet back under her again. Neil wasn't going to be grateful to the psychiatrist, so she wasn't quite sure why she was trying. "The ERC has been generous, letting David keep quiet on you this long. I can only imagine the fallout when the cat's out of the bag."
"Yes," Neil shrugged. "Everyone's making a big deal out of it, but it doesn't seem like a super big deal. Not when I know I have to wear that bright orange rain jacket."
Betsy laughed, reinforcing the smile lines around her eyes. Neil tried not to stare at them. No adult Neil had known before this had those. She didn't know how she felt about it. Betsy must have sensed her unease, and Neil was willing to give her that emotion because she promptly filled the rest of the session with idle chichat. Neil gave her easy answers that hopefully wouldn't raise any red flags, and now knowing that she couldn't speak of anything outside the session, felt a bit safer. She followed the psychiatrist out of the office when her time was up.
"It was nice to see you again, Neil. I'll see you for lunch tomorrow, if that's alright?"
Neil nodded, because they were Abby's lunches that she was already intruding upon. Neil had no right to tell Betsy she was uncomfortable with her presence there, so she just followed Renee out to the car.
"That wasn't so bad, was it? Audrey put money on you hating Betsy."
"Did you bet against her?"
"Yes. It was a private bet between the two of us."
Neil spent the summer blurring the truth with her teammates, but half an hour with Betsy left her too worn out to care. It helped that a bit of honesty, in this case, put Audrey at a disadvantage, even if she was easier to understand than Renee's constant smiles. "I hope you won enough to make it worth it," Neil said. "I eat lunch with Betsy and Abby most days. I'm surprised Audrey didn't know."
"I didn't know that either."
"Good. If neither of you two knew, then I'm pretty sure the rest of the team doesn't know either. Why does she tolerate you anyway? You two should hate each other on principle."
"Either you think too highly of me, or not highly enough of Audrey," Renee said, getting into the car. Neil slid into the passenger seat. Renee waited until they were buckled in before turning the key in the ignition. "My faith keeps me and Audrey from always seeing eye to eye, but we have an understanding."
There was more to Renee than her cross necklace and pretty smiles if she had qualified for a spot on Wymack's broken team, Neil knew, but she hadn't thought she had misjudged that badly. She mulled over everything that could be wrong with her from split personalities to clinical insanity. Neil ended up coming back to Renee's word- understanding.
The thoughts kept her busy for the rest of the drive, and well into the exhausting cardio. Normal practices would have kept going until dinnertime, but with classes starting tomorrow, Wymack was giving them a one-time break.
Neil was last out of the showers, of course, and found everyone waiting in the lounge. Wymack gestured for her to sit. Neil went to her usual chair, then glanced around the room. None of the others looked bothered by an unexpected meeting. Audrey's group was even quiet, waiting for the news.
"Alright, maggots," Wymack said, snapping his fingers until all eyes were on him. "School starts tomorrow, which means we're switching our practice times. Mornings are going to start at six at the gym. Afternoon practices are here at three. I've seen all your schedules, I know you can get here on time, so don't any one of you be late, you hear me?"
After a unanimous, yes, Coach, he nodded.
"This isn't our campus anymore. Everyone's checked in and ready to go, which means a lot of people to contend with. Campus police doubled their numbers this summer, but they can't cover everything or anyone. Besides, you know as well as I do that campus police are almost as useless as the real thing. Be smart, be careful. If someone is looking for trouble, get help. If the press slips past and wants answers you tell them we're not saying anything until Kathy's show on Saturday."
"Kathy?" Dan asked.
"Kathy Ferdinand." Wymack took one look at her confused face and scowled at Kevin. "Did you not tell them?"
"There wasn't a reason," Kevin said.
"Like, morning show host Kathy Ferdinand?" Matt asked.
"That's the one," Wymack said. "We have to do some publicity at some point. It was part of our agreement with Chuck and the ERC. Kevin chose Kathy because she agreed to wait until after our first game. Saturday morning we're heading up to Raleigh to give her an exclusive first interview."
"She must have fainted when you said yes," Matt said. "When's the last time you made an official public appearance?"
"December fourth."
"Why didn't you tell us earlier?" Dan asked. "I'll wake up early to watch."
"Or, you could come to the studio with us," Wymack said, ignoring the look Kevin sent him for that. "Kathy invited the entire team to the broadcast. If we show, we get front row seats. We've got to take the bus up anyway to fit all of Audrey's yahoos, so there's plenty of room."
"Did you want us to sit this out?" Renee asked Kevin diplomatically.
"It doesn't matter," Kevin said.
Nicky grinned and reached over Audrey to pat Kevin's shoulder. "He just knows he has to play nice for her show. He doesn't want you to see his civilized side. Can you imagine how his fans would react if they saw the real Kevin Day?"
"Do you even remember how to smile?" Matt asked, which had Kevin glaring at him and Matt laughing. "Well, that's worth going for alone. I'm in."
"I'll buy us donuts for the ride," Dan nodded. "Renee? Neil?"
"No, thank you," Neil said. Half a day without having to see Kevin was sounding like Christmas coming early.
"I vetoed your choice on the matter," Wymack said. "The ERC is outing you Friday morning, and I don't want you out of my sight until the initial hubbub dies down."
"I can take care of myself," Neil said.
"Watch me beam with pride. It's not your job to take care of yourself anymore. It's your job to play, and mind and Abby's job to look after you. Get your priorities straight. Questions, comments, concerns? No? Then get out of here and get some sleep. Kevin, you and Neil aren't allowed back here until tomorrow, or I'm taking your keys. Got it? Good, everyone out before I decide you're all better off doing more laps."
The locker room emptied in seconds.
Morning practice ended at eight the next morning, so the Foxes could get to their first class on time. It was close enough Neil finally accepted Matt's offer for a lift back to the dorm room. She changed out of her morning sweats into something more appropriate for class, grabbed her new bag, and was out the door in time to join the small wave of athletes heading down Fox Tower's hill. Most of the others were wearing their jerseys as a first-day celebration, so the sidewalk by the crosswalk was an eyesore of orange and white. Neil's intention was the blend in as long as she could, so she opted to skip the tradition. She would have no choice tomorrow, though, since the entire team was expected to be in colors on game day.
She made it to English with time to spare, so snagged a desk in the back corner. After English was her math class,where the only thing keeping her from drifting off was the dry-erase board that still bore the last class's problems. After seventy five mind numbing minutes, she found herself at the athlete's dining hall and piled a tray until the Abby taking up room in her mind was quiet.
Her room was empty when she showed up, so Neil settled at her desk with all the syllabi. It was only the first day of school and she already had three assignments, a short paper, a fifty page chapter to read, and a page of questions about said chapter. English was a ridiculous class, apparently. Neil debated which one sounded least painful, but five minutes later was so uninspired that dropped her head onto the desk with a thump.
A gunshot jarred her awake. She reached for her own, hand coming up empty. Too late she had realized the crack wasn't a gun, but was the lock snapping undone on the suite door. Neil hadn't even known she'd fallen asleep.
"Hard at work already, I see," Matt chuckled.
"Something like that."
"I'd say it gets easier, but," Matt shrugged. "You should probably cut back on your late practices now that classes are in session."
"I'm fine," Neil said. She knew she would never give up those practices. She would never sleep again from here to October, if that's what it took. If she had to choose between classwork and Exy, the answer was obvious.
"You say that an awful lot," Matt said. "I'm starting to think you don't know what it means."
There was no good answer to that, so Neil let it slide. Matt didn't push, just crossed the room to his computer. Neil sat back down, grabbing her pencil, but spent the last half-hour until practice thinking only of October and the Ravens.
Notes:
neil: wowza i am so raw and fragile from telling even a scrap of truth against my will
neil, who yearns to be known at all:
neil: so we move to la. my father gets a job at the palm restaurant
Chapter 6: number ten
Notes:
this chapter was written while listening to a lot of doechii and styx
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Thursday's excitement had nothing on Friday's. The whole school got decked out overnight with vibrant orange and white streamers. Ribbons and banners hung off every sidewalk lamp. Live student bands took over the amphitheater for short concerts and the student newspaper released that morning gave details for the afternoon parade. Cheerleaders roamed the campus in small packs, flaunting their short skirts and bright smiles and revving up the school spirit wherever they could.
Traffic around campus that day was horrendous as spectators flooded in and settled down for back-to-back weekend opening home games. None of the Foxes expected to win that night, as they were opening the season against their longtime rivals Breckenridge. Until Edgar Allan made its move, Breckenridge was the largest and first-ranked school in the district. Fortunately the football team's chances were much better for their Saturday game. It would be too much of a downer if Palmetto lost both opening games.
Campus police were out in full force that day as well, helping direct traffic and making sure guests didn't interrupt classes. Neil hated the sight of their blue uniforms, but having them around was better than dealing with the press. She had enough problems getting along with her classmates now that she was wearing her Exy jersey. She caused a small disruption wherever she went. She wanted to cut class and hide at Fox Tower until game time, but athletes weren't allowed to call out without a legitimate medical excuse. Someone from the athletics committee went around all day counting heads through classroom windows, and Wymack would be the first to hear Neil was absent.
Luckily, Neil's teammates had anticipated trouble. Matt was waiting for her outside her Spanish classroom to walk her to the next class. It didn't matter if the school rallied behind their Exy team or not. Neil was a secret finally let out of the bag, and all the more exciting for it, apparently. Anyone who followed the school's news knew the ERC had bent the rules to protect her anonymity. Anyone following Exy on its own was interested for that reason alone. Neil had checked the internet periodically throughout the summer to make sure it was working. As of this morning, though, her name was everywhere.
Just as disturbing as having her name and school photo spread everywhere was finding out that Audrey had not lied in May. In almost every article that talked of Neil's pathetic experience, Kevin was quoted as having high hopes. He really had said that Neil would one day be Court. It was a bold statement from a former champion, and it only added to the intrigue surrounding the Foxes' tenth player. The looks Neil kept getting made his skin crawl, but Matt kept them moving through the crowd without a problem.
After math, Renee took Neil to history, neatly bypassing a group of cheerleaders before they noticed the jerseys in their midst. Allison found her after history. Neil had an open period, so Allison dragged her to lunch with her and Seth. Neil's nerves killed any hunger, but she obediently put food on her tray and sat with them. Seth had apparently gotten over what Neil had said to him, so it wasn't a terribly uncomfortable meal. It was the first time she had been alone with the two, and it went altogether better than she could've guessed. Neil was content just watching them bicker back and forth, until Allison turned to her.
"Well? What are you going to do about a date?"
They'd spent most of lunch talking about the Exy's kickoff banquet. Every school in the southeast would put in an appearance, including the Ravens. Neil wasn't planning on attending, but she hadn't yet figured out the logistics of skipping it. There was no reason to run before she had to, as long as she didn't see the ravens before October.
"I'm not bringing one," Neil said.
"That's stupid," Allison said. "Even the monster's got a date."
Neil wasn't expecting that, but it was hardly surprising. "Kevin?"
Allison snorted, mopping up the rest of her salad dressing with pita bread. "Kevin wishes. No, Renee. She hasn't asked her yet, but it's inevitable. Money's on the table as to whether or not she says yes. Pot's getting pretty big, so get your bet in fast."
Neil didn't respond immediately, still a little surprised. The only thing the Foxes had in common besides Exy and hardship was their strange obsession with betting on the stupidest things. Neil had figured that out only two weeks into practice. A week didn't go by when there wasn't money on something or other.
She looked between Seth and Allison. She was suddenly bursting with questions, but didn't know how Seth of all people would react. The subject hadn't even hardened his expression, but Neil doubted he would miraculously stop calling Nicky slurs the next time they saw each other. Maybe it was because it was Renee.
"Are Audrey and Renee…?"
Seth finally started to look like he might be sick. "Better not be."
Allison only gave a prim shrug. "Renee promises it'll never happen, so I believe her. I don't think Audrey likes girls, especially with the way she's always with Kevin, but Renee obviously wouldn't ask her if there wasn't a chance she said yes. Like I said, though, Renee promises it'll never happen. Whether or not Kevin says they're not dating, there's something weird between him and Audrey, though, and I don't like it. If Renee can get Audrey away from Kevin for even just a night, I don't care if they have sex in the back of the bus, it'll be worth it." She looked to Seth, daring him to say anything else. He stabbed his chicken and kept silent, so Allison pointed at Neil. "You're running out of time to find a date. Ask Aaron to set you up with a Vixen. I'm sure Katelyn knows a pretty face or two."
The last thing she wanted to do was hook up with a cheerleader. She had no fond memories of Millport's squad, and felt nothing towards the Vixens except a faint sense of jealousy when she saw their skirts and open, almost brazen femininity. "Who's Katelyn?"
"Aaron's unofficial girlfriend. Look for her at the game tonight. It's pretty pathetic, watching them moon over each other long distance." Allison checked her watch, then fixed her hair before standing. "Have to run, I have a meeting with my advisor."
She left with a kiss for Seth, and a gust of perfume. Seth and Neil finished up a couple minutes later. Neil was wary of any comments on Renee or Audrey now that Allison was gone, but they were quiet all the way to Neil's Japanese class. From there, Dan met her and they walked to Dan's last class together.
"Rest up," her captain said. "Tonight's going to be a long night."
Neil was too tense from the morning to follow that advice, but she made a beeline for her bed anyway. All the eyes and the attention had worn her out just as much as any game. She was meant for the background, not this mess. Any real anxiety about it, though, was washed away by the thought of how close she would be to her first real game on the court.
Friday's afternoon practice was canceled because of the game. The team was expected to be at the stadium by a quarter after six for their serve at seven. Matt collected Neil from the bedroom at five-thirty for a light dinner with the upperclassmen. Neil kept her eyes away from Renee, but she was still mulling over what Allison had said. It wasn't that she cared about it being a queer relationship. Neil felt no attraction to anyone, and knew that wasn't quite normal either, from the way everyone talked about it. It wasn't the reservation that the rest of the team had for Renee hanging around Audrey, either, but something bothered her nonetheless.
When a half nervous silence descended on them, Neil finally finished her dinner, and looked up.
"Seth."
Seth wiped his mouth, setting his water bottle down. "Shortbus."
"Make a bet with me. Just a personal one."
"Thought you didn't do any betting."
"I don't."
Matt leaned forward with interest, and even Allison's eyebrows went up. Dan was the first one to ask, "What's the bet?"
"I'll bet a hundred bucks that you won't fight with Kevin for an entire game."
Seth snorted, but quickly dropped his head back as he full-belly laughed. The other Foxes had similar reactions– all except Dan, who looked Neil up and down with an assessing eye.
"No fucking way am I taking that," Seth finally managed. "A hundred dollars isn't nearly enough."
"Two hundred, then. Take it or leave it."
Seth eyed her. "This isn't a bet. Not really. You'll give me two hundred dollars if I can last an entire game without fighting with Kevin?"
Neil's stomach flipped, nausea threatening the dinner she'd just gotten down. Two hundred dollars wouldn't buy her a new identity; it wouldn't even foot the plane ticket she may or may not be able to get out of here with. It wouldn't even make it past one page of her binder, not really. Still. She pushed past her anxious sickness, and nodded. "You heard me."
"You're on."
"I'll add to it," Dan said, decisively. "Fifty bucks from me if you don't fight with Kevin."
"Neil did say this was a personal bet," Renee reminded her.
Neil waved her hand. "If they're adding, then that's fine. The less fights we have on court tonight, the better."
"Especially with Breckenridge." Dan nodded.
"Another fifty from me," Matt grinned.
Seth pointed at him threateningly. "It's a personal bet. I'm not paying either of those back."
Allison snorted, and when she found everyone's eyes on her, she flipped her hair. "Fine. Another two hundred."
Neil smirked. "Five hundred dollars, then, if you can go an entire game without fighting with Kevin."
"Like I said," Seth said, settling back. "You're on."
Dinner was an easy clean, and they all left the dorm early enough. The stadium had turned into a madhouse to the point they were almost late. They eventually made it in, the cousins' group having beat them, of course. Wymack was in the lounge and immediately directed them to the changing room. Neil was halfway through the men's door when Kevin snagged her collar and hauled her down the hall to the back door. Kevin pulled it open and pushed Neil ahead of him through it. Neil stumbled a step, caught her balance a second later, and went into the inner court in her jeans.
The Foxhole Court was the second collegiate stadium she had been in, but never one on game night. It was one thing to admire the dizzyingly high seats, and another thing entirely when those seats were full. Not all of the sixty-five thousand spots were full yet, but at least three-quarters were. The stadium rumbled with the sounds of tens of thousands of feet, of voices, and of noises. The crowd's yelling and laughing were deafening, and this was before the crowd even had a reason to be loud. Neil wondered what they would sound like after the Foxes scored. Maybe it'd be loud enough to crack the very bones inside of her.
It didn't take anyone long to notice Neil and Kevin in the inner court. When the closest section went crazy, the sound ignited a small wave in the stands. Orange Notes, the campus band, was still filing into their section, but they reacted to the excitement without question, immediately starting on the school's fight song. A few seconds later, the students joined in, yelling the words at one another and the empty court.
"Don't waste their time tonight," Kevin said into her ear. "They came to see you play, so give them something to believe in."
"They aren't here for me." Neil said. "They're here to see the famous Kevin Day."
Kevin put a hand to her shoulderblade and pushed. "Change out."
Neil took one last peek up at the stands. She could bear a hundred Eden's, and she would spend every second after training with Kevin just to play tonight. The idea of it being within reach had her rushing back to the locker rooms to yank on her gear.
Wymack called them to the foyer when they had all their gear on, and passed around the Breckenridge Jackals' roster. Matt took one look at the starting line-up and made a face.
"Hey, Seth. Looks like Gorilla's back."
"Shit." Seth held out his hand in demand for the paper.
"At least they're taking us seriously from the start," Aaron said.
"Easy for defense to say," Allison took the roster from Matt and gave it to Seth.
Neil thought about mentioning that Allison was also defense, but just asked, "Gorilla?"
"Number 16, Hawking," Nicky said, but when Neil's eyes fell on him he seemed to fidget and wouldn't look directly at her. "Six and a half feet tall and three hundred pounds of pure douchebaggery. You'll know him when you see him, trust me. He looks like a football player that got lost on his way to the field."
"He's also dumb as a brick, so he sat out of championships last year on academic probation," Matt said. "It's kind of a yearly ritual for him."
"He's defense," Dan said, "And he loves body-checks. Don't get between him and the wall, or he'll break every bone in your body if you give him the chance."
"Don't worry, though." Matt said. "He'll probably be too busy murdering Kevin and Seth to notice you."
Neil rolled her eyes, but hoped he was right. Wymack got their attention and gave some basic rules for warmups, and the starting line before sending them for the rest of their gear. The Foxes lined up at the door in order of playing position, with Dan out of place at the front as their captain. Wymack had an earpiece in that linked him to the announcer's booth. When he heard the okay, he led his team out to the benches. Neil's helmet muffled some of the crowd's screaming, but her ears were still ringing when she followed her team onto the court.
Neil knew the Fox team was the smallest in the NCAA and Breckenridge one of the largest, but she hadn't expected the difference to feel so vast. The tan-and-black Jackals seemed crowded on their half, making the Foxes look pathetic and small on theirs. Neil tried not to feel intimidated, and when that quickly failed, she put everything she had into warmups. The twenty minutes of drills flew by faster than she thought they would, and they were shepherded off the court by the referees: the Jackals out the north door, and the Foxes out the south.
The announcer's voice just barely carried over the crowd's racket, but as it got closer to the game time, someone thought to turn up his volume. By the time he called the team's rosters, his voice was echoing off the court's walls. As their names were called, the Foxes lifted their racquets in silent salute. The crowd roared in response to each one, and Orange Notes' drumline pounded away on whatever their sticks could reach. The Jackas were announced after, but any fight their band put up was drowned out by Orange Notes.
The six referees for the game opened the doors on either side of the court and entered. At their beckon, Dan and the opposing captain joined them at half-court for an obligatory handshake and the coin toss. The head referee signaled first serve for the Jackals and home court for the Foxes. Three referees followed each captain off and arranged themselves along the wall near the court lines.
Wymack made shooing motions at his starting line. "Get out there and make them sorry they showed up tonight. I want my subs at the wall cheering them on, but if you trip a referee, I will gut you. Let's go."
Dan led her players to the door and thumped the wall when they were ready. The announcer called off the Foxes' starting line-up from offense to defense. Kevin was the first onto the court, and the entire stadium had a fit at the sight of him. It didn't matter what school the fans were here to support; Kevin Day was in uniform after an eight-month absence after being told he would never play again. There he was, racquet in his hand on his way to half-court like he'd always known he would return.
Seth followed Kevin, and joined him with the rest of the team taking up their positions, finishing with Audrey in her goal. She looked bored to tears just standing there, and Neil had to press a hand against the smile that split across her face. When Breckenridge filed out, Neil quickly spotted Gorilla. It was hard to miss anyone that made Matt look delicate.
"Hey," Nicky said, and Neil turned to look at him, not hearing his approach with the crowd and her helmet. He was uncharacteristically hesitant, but pushed on anyway. "We haven't really had a chance to talk after… Well. I wanted to say how sorry I was, but I just kept chickening out. Are we okay?"
Neil stared at him.
Nicky slowly dragged his gaze up to meet Neil's, but immediately flushed and looked away. Neil wondered if the blue of her eyes was cutting through the contact lens."I know. I know it was disgusting and inexcusable, I don't even know what came over me. I'm so sorry."
"Did you even have a reason? Or did you just do it because you wanted to and I was an easy target?"
"Yeah," Nicky rasped, barely loud enough to hear over the racket. It wasn't the answer either of them wanted. "Yeah. Fair enough."
The referees slammed the doors with a resounding bang, and bolted them shut. There were vents and fans along the ceiling to keep air circulating on the court. The vents would let out echoes of serves and checks, but the players would have to yell for their voices to filter out into the stadium. Neil didn't know what they were saying to each other now as they waited for the game to start, but she doubted it was pleasant, seeing as how Seth was flipping off one of the Jackals' strikers immediately.
"Nicky," Neil said, and waited until the man's eyes fell somewhere around her knee. "Tell your boyfriend exactly what you were trying to do, and never touch anyone like that again. Stop purposefully making people uncomfortable, and maybe we'll be good."
"Okay," Nicky said, quickly nodding before breaking out into a hopeful smile. Neil wondered why her words obviously meant something different to the man, but didn't particularly want to speak to him any longer than she already had. "Okay. Thank you. Thank you."
The warning buzzer drowned everything else out. If Neil looked up, she could almost see the scoreboard where it hung over the dead center of the court. A clock, the score, and shots on goal statistics were displayed on all four sides, as were screens for replaying and close-ups. Right now, the board would be counting down the last minute to the game's start. She could strain to see if she wanted, but no part of her wanted to take her eyes off the court. She pressed her gloved hands to the wall and leaned forward, trying to see all of it at once. Her heart pounded, sending shuddery heat through every inch of her body. She held her breath, waiting for the first serve.
The buzzer went off again, and the game began.
Immediately it was a mess of orange and black Neil was completely enraptured with all of it. It felt like barely seconds passed before the Foxes were scoring their first goal. Neil was numbed into stillness by the speed and skill of the game. She had watched her teammates fall apart to in-fighting all summer long, but now she finally saw them as a whole. As much as they hated each other at times, they hated the opponent even more. They were still too fractured to be truly great, and that was obvious to see, but they were good enough to give her chills. Neil finally understood how this team made it to third place last fall, and scored a spot in championships.
Unfortunately, Breckenridge was better. Immediately after the Foxes scored, they broke through the Foxes' defense line. They scored once, using Audrey's size against her, getting too close to let her properly guard her goal. Wymack swore viciously, and turned in an angry circle. Neil instinctively backed up from the man, even as Renee cheered their team on, and the rest of the game moved on around them. She was only properly distracted while watching Kevin shove his defenseman in reciprocation for his own push. The backliner spun around to say something, and Seth joined in. Kevin ignored the Jackal to say something to Seth, who Neil watched clearly restraining himself from throwing a first.
Renee nudged Neil, smiling. "Looks like you're making a difference."
Neil just shrugged, not really trusting Seth's short temper to last the game, not when they weren't out of the first quarter. However, her prickling irritation at the two strikers was soothed when Kevin, obviously angry from Breckenridge earning a point, flew up the court unguarded and made a perfect point on goal. The fight song that Orange Notes bust out with wasn't even half over by the time Kevin and his mark were brawling. It took Matt, Dan, and three Jackals to tear them apart, and the referees were there immediately after. For a direct punch, unprovoked after a clear and extremely legal goal, the Jackal got a red card.
They were twenty minutes in when Gorilla crushed Seth up against the wall. Fans roared as Gorilla raced after the ball unguarded. Neil expected Seth to go after him, but Seth could only scrabble at the wall for a moment before crumpling.
"David," Abby said, but Wymack was already running down the wall to stand opposite Seth. One referee crouched beside the Coach and gestured through the wall at Seth. Wymack hit the wall to get his attention, and Seth painstakingly pushed himself onto his hands and knees. Until Seth signaled the referees to call him out, the game was still going, which meant Kevin suddenly had two backliners tailing him.
Seth met Neil's eyes, and lifted his racquet, calling it. Neil gave him a nod that was painstakingly returned. Matt, who had ended with the ball while Neil wasn't watching, sent it to Audrey for safekeeping. The crowd went quiet, watching as Seth stumbled sideways into the wall, leaning against it while waiting for his balance to return. Dan ran to help him, and Allison kept pace with them on the outside of the court. Abby hurried ahead of her to the door.
Wymack smacked Neil's shoulder. "Move it."
A flicker of nerves turned Neil's stomach cold. Now that she had seen the teams in action, it proved what she had been saying all along: she was not ready to play with a team like this. She didn't have much of a choice, though, so she grabbed her racquet and ran after Allison to the court door.
She vaguely heard her name and number being announced, and wondered if casket lids sounded like court doors slamming shut.
"Ready?" Dan asked her.
"Ready to try," Neil said.
"Then let's do this," she said, clacking sticks with her. Dan left for her spot by her mark, and Neil's mid-play substitution spot was up against the home court wall.
Neil ignored the Jackals' scorn, and took one final deep breath. Audrey slammed her racquet against the goal, making several of the athletes jump and send wary looks her way. Neil couldn't see Audrey's expression, but gave the goalkeeper half of her father's smile anyway. Audrey lifted the ball in her gloved hand.
"Hey, Rabbit," she said, voice cold as the ice trickling down Neil's spine. "Time to run. This one's for you."
Audrey bounced the ball off the ground and swung with everything she had. Neil didn't wait to see her hit it. She threw herself away from the wall and flew down the court as fast as she could, vanishing past the backliners and strikers who were only just starting to move. Kevin's mark cut across the court towards her, trying to cut her off, but Neil was faster than she expected and she led the backliners all the way down the court.
The ball hit the far wall and came soaring back. Neil jumped to catch it before it could go over her head. Her mark was there when she landed and she bounced away from her, counting steps instinctively as she swung her racquet out of reach. The Jackal's racquet just barely missed Neil's fingers as she took a swing at her. Neil could only carry the ball ten steps and had already used six. She knew she couldn't get her around her in four, so she twisted and passed the ball back to Dan. Neil's mark collided with her a second later, and she went skidding, arm out and stick dragging along the ground for balance. Dan passed to Kevin, who got around Gorilla and caught it, then twisted to send the ball up court to give him and Neil breathing room.
From there, the game quickly descended into a game that was less Exy and more 'everyone gang up on the goalie' strategy. It was frustrating watching them hammer Audrey, especially from that far back. She couldn't get into the fray if there was a chance the Foxes could shake the ball loose. She could only watch as the jackals steamrolled the Foxes. Three shots later, the Jackals scored.
"You can't win against us," her mark said. "You guys suck."
"I'd rather be a Fox than a Jackal if you win by just attacking your opponents. Try winning without any yellow cards."
She shoved against Neil, chest to chest. "Say that again, I dare you."
Neil rolled her eyes, and pressed one finger hard against her shoulder. "Try winning without any yellow cards."
"Leverett," the Jackal dealer yelled in warning. "Back off!"
She curled her lip at Neil in scorn, took two exaggerated steps back, then spun on her heel and stormed back to her starting spot. As soon as the game resumed, though, Leverett was using every ounce of that aggression against Neil.
The Foxes couldn't hold the ball. That was their issue, with Neil too inexperienced, and Kevin babying his injury. They couldn't afford for his psychological state to take a toll on their game, and they were quickly losing because of it.
When Neil finally got the ball from a pass from Aaron, she took off. Once Leverett was knocked on her ass, she was yelling, "Fucking whore!" after Neil. She threw to Kevin, and only processed the insult after. It left her, just for a moment, worried that the backliner had felt her chest while checking her but that thought was quickly dismissed when Neil remembered the armor. Her attention was stolen by the game, though, as Gorilla was taken out and Matt was yellow-carded. Kevin was traded out for Seth, too unpredictable with his hand so vulnerable. After Audrey successfully blocked the foul, Neil was immediately off again.
It was only a few minutes after that when Neil managed to score.
Leverett was saying something to her, and Neil was ignoring her again. She was more interested in Seth, who had crossed the court to give her shoulder a violent clap. Seth pointed at her. "Five hundred bucks, rookie."
Dan whooped. "Let's do that again, Foxes!"
Neil didn't score again until she came on during the second half. Two points weren't enough to earn her place on the line, but it made her feel better about standing on their court. It was almost enough to ease the sting of their eventual loss, at eight points to nine. The season had just begun, after all, and Neil had until October to improve. She had until October to keep living like this, her blood thrumming along to the screams of the audience, and her team surrounding her. Everything before and after this, she knew as she walked off the court, would be more than worth it.
The feeling, and the comfort in that knowledge propelled her all the way until she was back on the bus to Raleigh the next morning, if it could even be considered morning. Sure, she was wishing Kevin and Wymack both an early death until she was curled up on her seat and falling back asleep, but that was their fault.
It was almost six when they made it to Raleigh, and she was only woken for breakfast at a fast food joint. Wymack took his spot at the front of the bus with folded arms, but didn't even make it past a curt, "Alright," before he dropped his arms. "Damn it all to hell. Hemmick! You were supposed to wake them up ten miles ago!"
"I don't want to die," Nicky whined.
Dan tried to pass her laugh off as a cough. Wymack wasn't fooled and the look he shot her as he stomped past was annoyed. Dan was undeterred, grinning at Renee. Curious, Neil half-turned in her seat to watch. Wymack went all the way to the last row, pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, and threw it at Audrey. Judging by the resounding thud, she had lashed out, only attacking the seat in front of her with a vigor that had even Neil raising her eyebrows. Wymack held his hand out, and when Audrey passed back her wallet, shoved Kevin out of his spot and onto the floor.
Neil let her eyes drift shut again after she had eaten while Kevin stalked the aisle of the bus, mostly asleep.
"Good morning, sunshine," Matt said, through what could only be called giggles.
"Fuck you," Kevin said.
Dan yawned into her hand. "Glad to see you're still a morning person."
"Fuck you too."
"Kevin," Audrey mumbled, just loud enough for Neil to hear. Audrey pointed at the breakfast that Abby still had, and waited until he had fetched her some. Neil stared down at her promised donut from Dan, and when Kevin passed her again, she pawned it off on him to give to Audrey.
It was fifteen more minutes to the two storey building that housed Kathy Ferdinand's daily show. Wymack parked by the security gate and got out to talk to the guard. Neil watched out the window as the guard checked IDs and paperwork. Neil didn't understand why any sort of identification process had to go on at all when they were in a neon orange bus. The gate squealed as it opened and Wymack drove them to the employee parking lot.
Wymack was the first off. He stood to one side of the odor and handed out badges as the Foxes passed. Wymack followed them out and locked the bus doors behind her. They were halfway to the building when Kathy herself came into the parking lot to greet them. She looked more awake than even Wymack did. Neil hoped it was just her makeup, because that couldn't be possible, healthy, or natural.
"Kevin," Kathy said, practically sparkling while reaching for him. "It's been so long. I'm so glad you could make it today."
"It's good to see you again," Kevin said, and smiled as he took her hand.
Behind Kathy's back, Dan feigned swooning into Matt's arms. Neil understood the mockery. In the four extremely long months she had known Kevin, she had seen him smile only once or twice before. Kevin's smile was a brittle, and bitter thing. In Neil's files, she had pictures of Kevin smiling alongside Riko, but most of those shots were taken after games when the pair looked more triumphant and condescending than anything. This smile was something else; this was Kevin's public face. It was meant for interviews and fans who were better off not knowing the arrogant, ruthless, asshole side of a world-class champion. Kevin looked every inch a charming celebrity, and Neil found it horribly disorienting.
Kathy turned her sparkle on the rest of the team. The morning sunshine glinted off her off-putting veneers. "You were amazing last night. Kevin, you have the magic touch. This team has been doing so much better since you transferred."
"They were already on their way up," Kevin said. It was the first positive thing Neil had ever heard him say about the Foxes. She listened for the lie, but Kevin was too good an actor. "They deserve their Class I status. This year will prove it."
"Brilliant," Kathy said, suddenly distracted. She had just spotted Neil. The look in her eyes was only hunger. "Neil Josten, good morning. I suppose you've already heard the good news? As of eleven last night, your name is the third-highest searched for NCAA Exy strikers. That puts you right after Riko and Kevin. How does it feel?"
Neil's stomach bottomed out. "I didn't need to know that."
"Did you talk to him?" Kathy asked Kevin.
"I didn't think we needed to talk about it."
"About what?" Neil asked.
"I want you on my show this morning," Kathy said.
Neil had to have misheard her. She stared blankly at Kathy, waiting for the punchline.
"Everyone wants to know who you are," Kathy said, spreading her hands in a grand gesture. "You're a mystery addition to the Fox line, a rookie out of a tiny town in Arizona. Coach Hernandez says you picked up Exy in a year by reading a guidebook, and showing up to practice. Kevin says you're going to sign with the US Court after graduation. Such ambitions and dreams for such a humble beginning, don't you think? It's time for your debut."
"No," Neil said. It was Kathy's turn to stare at her, so Neil shook her head again. "No. I'm not interested."
Her perfect smile twitched. She reached out, as if to pat Neil's shoulder, but Neil was already out of her reach. Abby gestured at her, silently warning her to watch her manners. Neil ignored her.
"Don't be shy," Kathy said. "If you can play in front of sixty-five thousand fans in a game ESPN picked up and broadcast live, you can sit on my stage for ten minutes. This is the easy part. I'm going to ask a couple questions about why you started playing, and where you hope to go from here, that sort of thing. It's all written down, so you can think on your responses before you step onto the stage. Your fans deserve answers from you."
"I don't have fans, and they don't want my answers," Neil said.
"Be smart, Neil," she said with the apparent air of someone who had seen much more of the world than a simple child. Neil wanted to hit her. "You can't spend this season running from the press when you're playing with the Kevin Day."
"I said no."
Impatience finally worked its way in between the filler holding her expression together. "You're not looking at the big picture. This year can make the world for you. If you want to get anywhere, you need our help. Everything has fallen so perfectly into place for you. Don't let it collapse so early in the game or you'll regret it the rest of your life. Kevin, you understand, don't you?"
"He'll do it," Kevin said.
"It's not your decision," Neil said in piercing, venomous French. Kevin whirled on her, face immediately paling and eyes going wide in shock. She didn't realize what she had done wrong until she felt Wymack's piercing stare. "I'm not going on that stage with you."
Kevin's smile never faltered, but he still couldn't get his expression quite back to what it was. His French response was ice cold. "You are being an idiot."
"I can't be on TV."
"You already were," Kevin snapped. "You will do this today, or you and I are finished. I will wash my hands of you on the court and off it. You can struggle your way through mediocrity alone. You can return your court keys to Coach when we get back to campus. You won't need them anymore."
It was like getting punched in the chest. It was the same pain as launching herself out of the moving car to get away from Jackson Plank. All the air was shoved out of her lungs as she stared at Kevin. He couldn't. She had to swallow back the immediate feeling, the immediate urge that she had never felt before– the urge to tell Kevin her name. He would surely understand if she did, but there, surrounded by Foxes and Kathy was not the time.
"Did you or did you not promise me you would try?"
"But this isn't– I don't want–"
"Did you or didn't you?"
Neil thought she would choke and suffocate on every argument and protest that she didn't say. She was sure she would vomit right on her shoes. The thought of getting on stage and letting a camera get a good look at her was terrible, but not as bad as Kevin cutting her off. She only would be with them until October anyway, and then she would lose Exy forever. Every time she saw a calendar, she felt her heart rotting out of her chest. She couldn't give it up any earlier than the Raven game. She wouldn't survive. She had air in her lungs for the first time in years and this would pull her right back under the water.
The only way to get out of this was to be honest with Kevin, but even revealing her French already felt like she was flaying her own skin off. Neil began trembling, and took a step back from both of them.
Kevin nodded to Kathy, and switched back to English. "It's settled."
The smile returned immediately. "Brilliant."
Kevin caught Neil's shoulder when Kathy went inside, and pushed hard until Neil was stumbling after her. She was still fighting the burning, building bile in her throat. Neil twisted back around to hit Kevin's hand. She wished she had one of Audrey's blades to brandish. Kevin made a second grab at her, but Matt reached over Neil and shoved Kevin back. Abby hissed at them to behave, but Kevin and Matt were too busy glaring at each other to notice.
With Kevin pushed back a step, Audrey was now in Neil's line of sight. Her flat stare was enough to keep Neil moving after Neil made the mistake of looking at her. Still, she kept their stare until Neil dropped her gaze.
"French. Just when I was beginning to think you were getting less interesting. Too bad you're so stupid."
Neil couldn't get any words past her throat anyway. Dan caught up with her in a couple strides. "Neil? You don't have to do this, you know."
Oh, but she did. She did, and she would, but she was shaking so hard she could've passed out. She was too angry to speak. How dare Kevin?
Kathy handed them off to a couple aides. One man read a list of rules regarding appropriate studio behavior. The Foxes went one way to find their seats, and Neil and Kevin were led another way. They went down a hall and around a corner to the dressing room. Their escort took a couple quick measurements of their bodies and disappeared.
Neil's temper only worsened when she realized the dressing room was one room with nowhere to hide from Kevin. One whole wall was a vanity lined with mirrors and lights. Six stools were pulled up against the counter. An empty clothes rack stood in the middle of the room. Neil folded her arms over her taped chest, trying to squeeze herself hard enough to drive her scars under her skin.
The aide returned to drop off clothes, promised the makeup artists would be by in ten minutes, and left again. Kevin's smile disappeared the second the door closed. He thumbed through the hangers and tossed an outfit at Neil. Neil let it land on the ground at her feet. Kevin pointed at it, uselessly.
"Get changed." When Neil made no move to obey, Kevin said, "I'm more worried about you making a disaster of this appearance than I am about your scars. Get over yourself."
Neil glared at Kevin until he started to change, then grabbed her clothes. Fine. She ripped off her shirt and put the new one on. Kevin pulled his own shirt over his head just in time to get a view of just the tape on her chest before Neil did up all the buttons, and flushed, his face turning red. Neil would be satisfied any other time, any time her father's rage wasn't boiling right under the surface. Neil smoothed down the shirt obsessively, and then carried her discarded clothes to the counter, standing as far away from Kevin as she could.
"I'm sorry," Kevin fumbled uselessly, and Neil scoffed. "I didn't mean to, uh, to make you tell me."
Neil jabbed a finger at him, slipping into French again, letting each syllable bite out, safe in the knowledge that Kevin wouldn't catch on to what she meant when she said, "As if threatening to take Exy away from me wasn't enough, now this. This will kill me. Are you happy now?"
Kevin scoffed, and came back from his embarrassment. "Stop acting like a child. An interview never killed anyone. You are going to make a good impression. Follow Kathy's leads, but don't let her dominate. This show is about us, not her. She is the enabler, not the star."
Neil tuned Kevin out as he lectured her. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, counting to ten in every language she knew. She wanted to run. She needed to be back at the dorms so she could grab her duffel and run. Mentally, she was already on a bus far, far away from all of this.
"Are you even listening to me?" Kevin demanded.
"No."
"Well start. What are you going to say to Kathy?"
"That I hate you. That I'm going to kill you."
"You wouldn't."
"How would you know?"
"Becuase, if you did, Audrey would not let you anywhere near me."
Neil opened her eyes and turned to look at Kevin. "Right. I almost forgot about your guard dog. How did you win her over, anyway? I can't imagine it was your charm."
"When you know what someone wants, it's easy to manipulate them. Case in point," he said, gesturing from Neil to the room you were standing in.
"I was under the impression that Audrey wants nothing."
Kevin didn't bother to explain. They waited in silence until the makeup artists arrived. Kevin let them in when they knocked, all smiles and polite charm. When they were ready. They were brought to a lounge to keep waiting in. An aide collected Kevin when it was almost time for the show to start, which was good, because Neil was only a second away from wrapping her fingers around his throat and squeezing. At seven on the dot, the show's opening music started and Kathy waltzed onto the stage to applause. She stopped in the center to bow and wave at her morning crowd.
"Ladies and gentlemen, good morning! I know it's a little early for most of us to be awake on a Saturday morning, but we've got a fantastic show in store for you today."
She kept talking, but Neil was feeling far too fragile and raw to hear her. She tucked her head between her legs, wrapping both hands around the back of her neck to tug herself down. Neil was going to die. She was going to be seen and someone would tell her father and her father's men would be on the next plane to South Carolina the moment they saw this. Kevin Day had signed her death warrant.
Who was closer? Which of her father's circle was closest to her? Who would finally get the honor of killing her?
As Kevin was introduced, Neil slowly dragged her attention back to the screen. She barely caught his wave to the audience, but there was an endless minute before the crowd calmed anyway. There were two couches on the stage, as well as Kathy's desk, and Kevin sat on the one to her right, half-turned so he could see both Kathy and the audience. Kathy leaned over her desk to smile at Kevin, looking impossibly pleased with herself. Neil guessed she was already imagining her ratings.
"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin," she said, shaking her head. "I still can't believe I talked you into this. I hope you'll forgive me when I say it's surreal to see you back here alone! I still think of you as one half of a whole."
"At least I have room to stretch out now," Kevin said, neatly avoiding a real answer. "I might have to do so in a minute. I can't expect us to be awake and presentable after last night's games."
She laughed and lifted her hands. "I suppose you're right. But you clean up nice, as always."
Someone in the audience cheered in approval, and Kevin laughed. "Thank you."
Kathy poured them both water, and set a glass down on the edge of the desk where he could reach it. "So, let's talk about last night. First, what it means, that the NCAA season started and you're wearing orange. Please don't take offense to this, as I mean no slight against your new team, but why did you transfer to Palmetto State? I understand you came as an assistant coach, but once you knew you could play again, why sign with the Foxes? I'm sure you had choices. Why would you go from the top of the ladder to the bottom?"
"Coach Wymack was friends with my mother. As I'm sure you know, she taught him how to play. Even after she died and Coach Moriyama took me in, Coach Wymack kept in touch with me." Kevin studied his left hand with a removed look on his face. "Last December I thought I would never play again. I was a wreck. Coach Wymack was the only one I could think of turning to, and he didn't disappoint me. He and his team took me in without hesitation. I enjoy working with them."
Kathy reached across the desk and clasped his left hand. Kevin forced his gaze up from his scars to her face and smiled. Kathy smiled back at him, and said, "I admit I expected you to return to Edgar Allan this fall. Regardless of where you are, it's amazing to see you back in action. You deserve a round of applause for that."
The crowd obliged.
"Kind of unfortunate that your first game was against Breckenridge, isn't it? You took three points last night, the same as fifth-year senior Seth Gordon, and your newest teammate scored two. Let's talk about Neil Josten for a moment, shall we?"
"Of course."
"You really know how to upset things around here, don't you? What were you thinking, recruiting someone as fresh as Neil?"
"Neil is exactly what the Foxes need right now. His inexperience is inconsequential. We went through a hundred files looking for a striker for this year, but Neil is the only one we approached. We knew as soon as we saw him we needed to sign him. We'lre just lucky we got there before anyone else did."
"You went to great lengths to get him, I hear," Kathy said. "Refusing to even give the ERC his name, is that right?"
"Our primary concern was keeping Neil safe. Spring was very difficult for Palmetto State. Announcing him as ours would put a target on his back. The ERC was initially hesitant to fly blind on him, but they eventually sided with us."
"You didn't think the ERC could keep his secret?"
Kevin paused, clearly going over his words to find a scrap of tact. "Let me put it this way: three can keep a secret if two of them are dead. I mean no offense by that, but let's be honest. Sixteen people are assigned to the ERC and one of them is the coach of a fiercely competitive team. Even gossip shared in confidence can get out and destroy a man's life."
A lesson Kevin learned the hard way. ERC chatter led to Riko and Kevin's violent fallout. Any other time and Neil might even feel bad for Kevin. Any other time, though, Neil would be dead.
"So much work and effort for a single player," Kathy said. "I can't wait to see what you make of him."
That was her cue, apparently. She followed an aide that motioned at her down a hall to the wings of the stage. She looked Neil over, and sent an okay.
"Why don't we all take another look at him?" Kathy said. "Let's see the man who replaced Riko Moriyama at Kevin's side. Introducing Neil Josten, the newest Palmetto Fox!"
Neil clenched her teeth, then forcibly relaxed her expression. The audience clapped in anticipation, and she could hear Dan cheer her name. Neil buried her reservations deep, and buried her sticky hands even deeper into her pockets when Kathy made to touch her. Neil instead nodded at her and took the seat next to Kevin. They sat at the same time. Kathy poured her water, and Kevin passed the glass to Neil. Stomach already churning, her mind's eye flashed with a glass of soda being slid across the bar to her, filled with soda and something else. Neil didn't move to touch the glass. She knew if she pulled her hands out of her pockets, they would be red and sticky with Mary's blood anyway.
"Isn't this an interesting picture?" Kathy asked, then propped her chin on her hand, leaning over the desk. "Kevin Day, paired again. I'm not exaggerating much when I say you're the talk of the nation, Neil. You're the amateur who caught a national champion's eye. This kind of thing should only happen in fairy tales, don't you think? How does it feel?"
"Undeserved," Neil said. "I gave Millport everything I had because I knew it was going to be my only chance. Kevin was the last person I expected to see in Arizona."
"Lucky for us, he found you. You have a natural talent for the game. It's a pity you started so late. Imagine where you'd be today if you started a couple years ago. Maybe you would have been snatched up by Edgar Allan, or USC, if Kevin's right about your potential. Why wait so long?"
Neil thought of her little league team, and lied through her teeth. "I was never interested in team sports before. I only tried out at Millport because I was new in town, and thought it would help me get to know people. I didn't mean for things to turn out this way."
"If it bothers you, I'll take your spot," Kathy said with a wink. "I don't mind cozying up to Kevin."
"Would you really come between two strikers?" Kevin asked.
"Is it possible? The hostility between you and the other Foxes' striker last night was no secret, but that doesn't seem to be the case with you two."
Neil slid Kevin a sideways look, but Kevin didn't bother correcting her. "Seth graduates in May, so there is less of a chance or need to rehabilitate his style to mine. Neil, on the other hand, is just starting out. We have all the time in the world."
Kathy pounced on that wording immediately. "That implies you see this as a permanent gig. Do you really have no plans to return to Edgar Allan? Does it depend on how well you adjust to playing right-handed this season, or do you intend to graduate from Palmetto State regardless?"
Kevin's pause rang too loudly in Neil's ears. "I would like to stay as long as Coach Wymack will have me."
Neil flicked Kevin another look, not liking that vague response. She wanted to stomp on his foot to get the message across fully, but felt the smothering weight of the cameras.
"The Ravens must be sad to hear that." Kathy said. I imagine Riko misses you."
"We'll see each other this fall."
"Indeed you will. They're in your district now," Kathy said. "Why the major change?"
"I don't presume to understand Coach Moriyama's motivations."
"You mean they didn't tell you?" Kathy's surprise looked genuine.
"We are all very busy. It's hard to keep in touch."
"Well then," Kathy said, recovering with a bright smile. "Have I got a treat for you!"
Music blared from the speakers, a dark melody with heavy drums. The chanting was immediate, but Neil could barely hear it. The crowd jumped to its feet, all except the Foxes, who were eerily still. They sat blank-faced with shock.
Riko Moriyama stepped onto the stage.
Nine months ago, he had destroyed Kevin's hand and all hopes of his career. Now they were only feet apart, reunited on live television. The audience and Kathy's delight were loud, palpable things, but Neil didn't think anything would be loud enough to drown out Kevin's desperate prayer.
The self-proclaimed King of Exy kissed Kathy's cheek in greeting. Whatever Riko and Kathy said to each other was lost in the audience's racket, but Kathy was beaming when she leaned back. Riko made his way over to Kevin, smiling, but neither Kevin nor Neil was stupid enough to think he was happy. The only look in his eyes was murder.
All animosity Neil felt towards Kevin for forcing her onto the show evaporated. She couldn't be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil's father was to her. Petty anger and burning betrayal had nothing on this full-fledged terror.
Only after the crowd quieted down did Riko speak.
"Kevin. It's been so long."
There was a scuffle in the audience. She didn't want to take her eyes off Riko, but did anyway, just in time to see Rene sitting sideways in Audrey's lap, one foot braced against the ground to keep her from shoving her off. She had a hand cupped over Audrey's mouth as they both stared up at the stage. Matt had one of Audrey's wrists in both hands, Wymack the other. All of the Foxes' faces ranged from horror to fury.
Riko moved, and Neil forgot all about the team in favor of staring Rikok down. She was ignored completely, of course, turning his hand out to Kevin in invitation. Kevin stared at it for a couple seconds, then slipped his hand into it and allowed himself to be pulled into a hug. The crowd cheered, oblivious to how slowly Kevin returned the hug.
Riko let go, and held Kevin at arm's length. "I think you've shrunk since I last saw you. Don't they feed you down here? I always heard southern food is heavy."
"I must run it off on the court."
"What a miracle."
There was an edge in his voice, but Kathy was still smiling as she gestured between them. "It truly is a miracle. Take a good look everyone. Your golden pair is back, but for the first time ever, they're rivals. Riko, Kevin, we thank you from the bottoms of our hearts for tolerating our incessant fanaticism."
She motioned for them to sit. Riko backed away from Kevin to sit on the other couch. Kevin sank back down to his cushion. He ended up with his thigh pressed against Neil's, hard enough that Neil could feel him trembling.
Kathy looked at Riko. "From what I've just heard from Kevin, it sounds like neither of you have spoken in a while. Is that right?"
"It is," Riko said. "You sound surprised."
"Well, yes," Kathy said. "I didn't think it possible for you two to grow apart."
"A year ago it would have been impossible," Riko said, "but you have to understand how emotionally crushing December was. The injury was Kevin's to bear, but we all suffered for it. Some of us couldn't handle the reality of what that accident meant, myself included. Kevin and I grew up at Evermore. We built our lives around that team and our pair work. I couldn't believe we had lost it. I couldn't accept that our dreams had collapsed. Neither could he, so we withdrew from each other."
"But for nine months?"
She stared at Kevin, so he answered. "Perhaps it was inevitable. We made Exy the center of our lives, Kathy. We showed you our best, but we didn't show you what it cost us. Juggling three teams, university classes, and public pressure was wearing us down, but we refused to admit it. We didn't want to believe we had limits."
Kathy nodded. "I can't even imagine the stress and pressure. I suppose it had to put a strain on your friendship."
"We are human sometimes," Riko said, "and therefore we can't help but have our differences. Hmm, Kevin?"
"No family is perfect," Kevin agreed quietly.
Kathy nodded sympathetically. "Can I just say it was terrifying when you two disappeared? The last we heard, you two had gone skiing to celebrate the end of the semester, and then no one saw either of you in public for a month. I feared the worst, but I didn't realize what the worst really was until Coach Wymack made his announcement."
"The worst was having everything and losing it," Riko said. "We signed with Court last year, which meant we had only one dream left to achieve: to play together with the Court at the summer Olympics. We knew it was coming, that it was just a matter of time, that a lifetime's worth of effort and sacrifice was about to pay off. Then, Kevin broke his hand."
"Everything changed," Kevin said, so low no one would hear him if it weren't for his mic. "We weren't ready to acknowledge that. It was easier to just walk away. Unwise, but easier."
"Hearbreaking," Kathy said. Kevin looked at his water and said nothing. Kathy finally got a clue that the conversation was going to wrong way, turning to Riko again to give Kevin time to pull himself together. Neil couldn't help rolling her eyes, just a little. "But look at him now. Isn't it amazing how far he's come this year?"
"I'm not sure it is," Riko said, "but I'm saying that as his brother, as his best friend. You saw him last night, Kathy. I'm worried his wishful thinking and obsession will lead him to injure himself again. Can he recover a second time, emotionally or mentally?"
His tone was concerned, but Neil could practically feel his knife twisting deeper in Kevin's chest. Everything Riko was saying was meant to hurt Kevin, and it was working. It wasn't Neil's turn to talk, but she had heard enough. The temper and anger that had been boiling over since she was forced inside this fucking building finally had one very clear target.
"I thought friends were supposed to cheer each other on," she said, before Kathy could open her mouth. "Believing in him now feels like the least you could do after completely abandoning him last winter."
A couple people in the audience booed at that, immediately counteracted by Dan and Matt's cheers.
"Ah," Kathy smiled. "Forgive my bad manners. I didn't forget you over there, I just got distracted. Let's get the pair of you introduced, though I'm not sure either one of you needs an introduction by now. Riko, Neil. Neil, Riko. Kevin's past and present, or should I say past and future?"
Riko finally looked at Neil. "To address the accusation of yours: mine and Kevin's relationship is unique, and I do not expect you to understand it. Do not impress on us your petty ideas of friendship."
"Was unique," Neil said. "Was. Your relationship died when he couldn't keep up with your team anymore so you kicked him out."
"Kevin chose to leave Edgar Allan," Riko said. "We mourned his absence, but were glad to hear he found a coaching position."
"Sure, but you're not happy that he's playing again. Isn't that why you transferred to our district? You don't think Kevin should be on the court again, so you'll cut him off at the pass. Why? You'll destroy his chance of making a comeback and make him watch your team succeed yet again. You're rubbing his face in everything he's lost while forcing him to stay down, and from where I'm sitting, it looks like you're enjoying it."
"I will ask you only once to tone down that animosity."
"I can't," Neil said, breaking out into a smile as lethal as a cleaver. "I have a bit of an attitude problem."
Riko's smile was all ice. "A bit?"
Kathy intervened before things could get nasty. "Neil does bring up a valid point I'd like to discuss. This district change is an unprecedented move. For it to be Edgar Allan makes it more surprising. Neither your coach nor the Exy Rules and Regulations Committee has given a satisfactory reason. I don't think Neil is far off in thinking you transferred because of Kevin."
"Kevin plays only a small role in our decision," Riko said, "and not for the reasons this child claims. It was not a decision made lightly on our part, and we've taken quite a bit of unfair criticism for it. The north says we're transferring to keep our ranking secure, as if they ever had a chance of unseating us, and the south cries unfair at having to contend with us. We are the nation's best team, after all, and the southeastern district is subpar, to be polite. To be honest, its teams are dreadful. We hope our transfer changes that. We're here to inspire the south."
"You want to do for the south what Kevin is doing for the Foxes," Kathy concluded.
"Yes, but it will be much easier if Kevin plays along."
"How so?"
"Kevin cannot and will not play for us again. He knows this; this is why he did not return to us this spring.our affection for him does not forgive his new inadequacies on the court, and he respects the Ravens too much to drag us down. That doesn't mean Evermore isn't his home. His work with the Foxes this spring proved we can find a place for him on our staff. We'd like him to return as one of our coaches."
"Why?" Neil couldn't help but ask again. Kevin grabbed her arm and squeezed, but Neil ignored her. "Why does he have to go back and coach when he obviously wants to play? If he's not allowed back at the Ravens, why not let him play?"
"This has nothing to do with you." Riko snapped.
"Stop being so selfish," Neil snapped back, and Kathy gaped at her. "If Kevin's dream has always been to be the best on the court, what right do you have to take it away from him? Why would you ask him to settle for less? The Foxes are giving him a chance to play. The Ravens would force him to the sidelines. He has no reason to transfer back."
"Palmetto state is a waste of his talents."
"Not as much as Edgar Allan was and will be," Neil said. Someone in the audience laughed, entertained or shocked, she couldn't tell. "Your team's ranked first? Congratulations. Big fucking deal. Maintaining a top position is far easier than starting over from the gutters. Kevin is doing that right now. Last year, he pulled the Foxes up from nothing all the way to the semifinals. He's facing entirely new schools and learning to play with his nondominant hand. When he masters it, and he will, he'll be better than you ever could have made him. People will see your number one tattoo, then point and laugh. Do you know why?"
Neil didn't wait for an answer, spitting her smug words through her burning smile.
"It's not just his natural talent. It's because he's with us. There are ten Foxes this year. That's one sub for every position. Think about it. Last night we played Breckenridge. They have twenty-seven people on their roster. They can burn through players as fast as they want because they have a pile of replacements. We don't have that luxury. We have to hold our ground on our own."
"You didn't hold your ground," Riko said, clearly fuming over the Foxes' cheers. "You lost. Your school is the laughingstock of the NCAA. You're a team with no concept of teamwork."
"Lucky for you. If we were a unified front, you wouldn't have a chance against us."
"You cannot last," Riko snorted. "Your unfounded arrogance is offensive to everyone who actually earned a spot in Class I. Everyone knows the only reason Palmetto qualified for this division is because of your coach."
"Funny, since that's how Edgar Allan qualified too."
"We have earned our prestige a thousand times over. You've earned nothing but pity and scorn, neither of which should be tolerated in a sport. Someone as inexperienced as you are has no right to have an opinion on the matter."
"All the same, I'm going to give you one more. I don't think you're telling Kevin to sit out, or to run home with his tail between his legs because of his health. I think you know this season is going to be a disaster for your reputation. You and Kevin have always played in each other's shadows. You've always been a pair. Now you have to face each other on the court for the first time, and people are finally going to know which one of you is better. You don't want him on the court at all? I wonder why. Like I said, they're going to know how premature those tattoos were. I think you're scared."
Riko's look could have frozen hell. "I am not scared of Kevin. I know him."
"You're going to eat those words," Neil said, "And you're going to choke on them."
"That sounds like a challenge," Kathy cut in before Neil could keep talking. "You've got seven weeks until your match and I, for one, am already counting down the seconds. There's so much to look forward to this year, but one question can't wait: orange or black, Kevin? What color is your future?"
Kevin clenched his hand around Neil's arm, having cut off circulation all the way to her fingertips minutes ago. "I already said. I would like to stay at Palmetto as long as they're willing to have me."
The Foxes cheered at that, the rest of the audience quick to join. The tension between the strikers had seeped into the crowd, and it broke in an uncontrollable wave. Kathy didn't even try to calm it, but pointed at the cameras. Neil barely heard her announce the end of the segment and cut to the commercials. A light at the foot of the stage went dark, indicating they were off the air. Kathy covered the mic in her collar and looked at her guests.
"You boys made my day," she said, with her biggest smile yet. The three got to their feet, and Kathy shook their hands. Well, Kevin and Riko's hands. Neil's hands hadn't moved from their place deep in her pockets. "Keep the clothes. There are refreshments in the back, and we've got seats up front so you can watch the rest of the show."
"Thank you," Kevin said.
Neil looked out at the crowd. Wymack sliced a hand across his throat and jerked his thumb over his shoulder. Neil hoped she was right in translating it as let's get the hell out of here. Kevin didn't look like he was moving any time soon, so Neil put her body between Riko and him, and pushed Kevin towards the wings.
Riko, of course, followed them offstage and behaved until they were in the hallway. The aides who had been waiting in the wings rushed past them to check on Kathy and whatnot during the break. Neil thought maybe one would linger long enough to distract Riko, but maybe the time crunch was more important than autographs right now. She hated having Riko at her back, but Riko moved just as she turned to face him. He caught Neil by her shoulders and threw her up against the wall. Neil went rigid as they stared each other down, trapped more by the death in Riko's eyes than the fingers leaving bruises on her shoulders. Riko had the same stare as her father, only seeing flesh that he knew how to make bleed.
"I do not approve, Kevin." Riko said. "You should get rid of him as soon as possible."
"You saw our game last night," Kevin said, and Neil was surprised that he argued at all. "He has potential."
"Potential." Riko scoffed, then slammed Neil against the wall. He fisted a tight hand in Neil's hair, and whirled on Kevin. Kevin stared back, white-faced and tense. "You said that goalkeeper had potential and then wrote him off as useless when I offered him to you. You'll be bored of this one just as quickly, believe me."
Kevin pressed his lips into a line, and looked away. Riko made a disgusted sound low in his throat. He said something in a language that Neil didn't understand, but dimly registered as Japanese. Whatever he said sounded furious. Kevin flinched and offered a weak response. Riko stabbed a finger at him in an angry accusation and rattled away, settling louder and more incensed by the second. Neil watched Kevin wilt beneath the weight of his brother's- no, owner's fury– and kissed her survival instincts goodbye. Ignoring the fist in her hair, she grabbed Riko's shirt and hauled him towards her.
"Leave him alone."
A black look twisted Riko's expression into something ugly and unrecognizable. He reached for Neil with his free hand, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin's face without missing a beat. Neil tried to retreat, and couldn't stop the whimper when she felt a chunk of her hair get ripped out. Riko's other hand collided with Neil's nose. The hit whited out her vision and tears blurred her vision when she opened her eyes again. Blood immediately began running down her face.
"Riko," a new voice said. Neil twisted, finding Audrey, a single knife in her hand. "It's been a while."
Riko jerked back in surprise, dropping his hold on Neil. "We were just talking about you, Doe."
"With your fists, it seems," Audrey said. "Don't touch my things, Riko. I don't share."
She reached back without looking and pushed Neil's shoulder. Neil took the hint and skirted around Audrey and Riko. She half expected Riko to stop them, but all Riko's attention was on Audrey. Neil grabbed Kevin's arm and hauled him down the hall, blinking away the tears still running down her cheeks. They were almost to the exit when the team caught up with them. Abby jogged the last couple steps to Kevin and crushed him in a hug. Kevin held onto her for dear life while the team hovered nearby.
Wymack looked at Neil, who was letting her nose drip steadily onto the floor. "Have you lost your mind? You would have been safer back in Palmetto after all."
Neil's voice was nasally, having to swallow back the blood in her throat. "I said I didn't want to do it."
Abby jerked free from Kevin immediately turning to Neil, fingers ghosting over her nose, wincing. "Leave him alone, David."
"When I said Abby and I would look out for you, I didn't mean you should pick a fight with Riko on national television." Wymack said. "Should I have spelled that out beforehand?"
"Probably," Neil said.
"It's fine, Coach," Audrey said, catching up to them. She touched Neil's back on her way by, fingers light enough to give Neil goose bumps but didn't slow on her way to Kevin's side. The brief touch almost felt like a thank you. She pressed a hand to Abby's arm in a silent demand for her to back off. "Kevin, we're going. Right now."
Kevin let go of where he was still holding Abby's arm, and Audrey pushed him out the door into the parking lot.
"Coach says stupid," Matt said quietly, "but I say you have balls of steel. I didn't think you had it in you. I thought you were the quiet type."
"If Neil was quiet, Audrey wouldn't have brought him to Columbia."
Matt's eyes widened. "She took you to Columbia? Shit, why didn't you tell us? What did she do to you?"
Neil ignored Matt, looking to Renee and hoping she saw the question in her eyes. Renee smiled and said, "Audrey's welcome parties are her way of sizing up and eliminating threats. Not everyone gets invited."
"You went," Neil guessed.
"The three of us did," Renee confirmed, gesturing at Matt and Dan. "No one else until you."
"And Audrey told you."
"Let's go," Wymack interrupted them. "I am going to drop you off at the dorm and spend the rest of the day drinking. Damage control can wait until tomorrow."
They caught up with Audrey's group at the bus. Wymack unlocked the door to let them on and he got them on the road as fast as he could. Abby immediately came to sit by Neil and utilized the miniature first aid kit she kept in her purse. Nicky, who had wound up in the seat behind Neil, gagged at the snap of her nose being reset, but Neil didn't even flinch. This wasn't the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Abby taped her nose to make sure it would heal straight, and when Neil said she was fine, only gave her a pack of wipes for the blood. Neil set them aside when the nurse walked away, and spent the rest of the ride trying to figure out the consequences of what she had done.
Notes:
neil josten deserves to kill kevin day just once. i added some dialogue in the interview just because this neil is a little bit more angry and a little bit more reckless, as well as changed the foxes' score by a point. cohesivity is going to kill seth butttt he made five hundred bucks out of it and scored an extra point. also this will be a canon adjacent long fic so you will have to be patient w nicky and seth as they work to be better. they wouldn't be foxes if they were good people lmao
Chapter 7: how does that target on your back feel?
Notes:
posting this early as a treat for myself since i just finished the thanksgiving chapter :/ it's not as bad as canon but damn
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil wasn't in a place where she could see anyone in their underwear, let alone Seth or Allison. She quickly pushed through the upperclassmen clogging the doorway and went straight for the bathroom to shower off the blood from her nose. She could hear the other Foxes talking about her, but didn't mind. It was soothing more than necessary, but Neil quickly touched up her roots. Clean and dry, she came back out to find the upperclassmen had ordered pizza.
Seth gave her broken nose a critical eye, and then nodded. "Abby fixed you up good."
Neil gave him a blank look, and ate her pizza. Thankfully, he and Allison had gotten dressed in the meantime. The upperclassmen were only in the beginning of a movie, so Neil settled her back against the edge of the couch to watch. Afterward talk turned to the season, but the upperclassmen seemed as happy to talk about the Ravens as Neil was to think about them. Allison tolerated the moping for only a minute before distracting them with talk of the banquet.
"We should go shopping tomorrow." Allison said. "I'm going to need time to find the perfect dress, and you," She said, pointing between Matt and Seth, "are in charge of Neil. Get him something real to wear. I've seen everything he owns and don't trust him to choose something appropriate."
"I could just not go," Neil said.
"You have to go," Dan said. "It's a team event."
There was a knock at the door. Dan was closest, so she got up to answer it. Nicky was waiting in the hallway, smiling but visibly tense.
"How bad is it?" Dan asked.
Nicky winced. "Does your armcandy there know how to install a window?"
Matt looked over his shoulder at the bedroom window. "I can try, but I'm not going anywhere near her tonight."
"Tomorrow's cool too," Nicky shrugged. "Just, you know, preferably before Coach comes around to check on Kevin again. There's a hundred bucks in it for you if it's fixed before noon."
"You get Audrey out of the room and I'll see what I can do."
"Awesome," Nicky said, then looked at Neil. "She wants to talk to you."
Neil looked at the clock, wondering what time night practice would be at, then nodded and hauled herself to her feet. She followed Nicky down the hall, into the cousins' suite. She hadn't been inside, and they were good about keeping their door shut, so it felt odd being let in. She spotted Kevin first, curled up on one of the oversized beanbags, facing away from the door. Aaron was washing dishes in the kitchen and didn't look up as they went by. Nicky pointed down the hall and went to sit with Kevin. Neil went alone into the dark bedroom, and closed the door behind her.
The cousins had pushed two of their dressers against the wall under the window. Audrey sat on top of them, leaning forward so she could fold her arms across her knees. She looked small, but her intense stare immediately placed on her was the complete opposite, the look immediately filling the whole room. Neil smelled blood, so slid her gaze to the window. Audrey had taken the screen off in the main room so she could smoke, but this window still had one. It was probably all that had saved her hand when she punched a hole in the glass.
Audrey's bloody hand dangled between her knees, slowly but steadily dripping onto the dresser. She flexed her fingers as if checking the extent of the damage wrought.
"You could have destroyed your hand with a stunt like that," Neil said.
"Oh no," Audrey deadpanned. "Where would I be then?"
"Off the team. Where would Kevin be then?"
She didn't answer. Neil crossed the room to stand in front of her. Audrey pressed her forehead to her knees and didn't speak for a while. That was alright, Neil could wait. Eventually she tapped her head against her knees before shutting her eyes.
"Oh, Neil, as unpredictable as he is unreal. The last time we spoke, you were afraid Riko would notice you. Either you lied to me, or changed your mind, and I hate being lied to."
"I didn't change my mind, but I didn't have a choice."
"There is always a choice."
"I had to say something."
"Attacking Riko and the sanctity of his team on live television. He won't take that sitting down. How does that target on your back feel?"
"Familiar," Neil said.
Audrey sat up, then slumped back against the screen. Neil glanced down at her hand as it slid into her lap, but she couldn't see the actual cuts past the smeared and drying blood.
"Do you have a first aid kit?" Neil found herself asking.
Audrey's eyes slowly raised to meet hers as if it was tiring, as if it was exhausting just to look at Neil. "Aaron keeps one under the bathroom sink."
"Will you let me patch up that hand?"
"Why would I let you do that?"
Neil didn't respond, just waiting for an answer until Audrey finally sighed. "Be quick about it."
Seconds later, Neil was sorting through the lacking contents. Audrey put her hand on her knee, and Neil tried to avoid touching her as much as possibly while cleaning it. There were three small shards of glass still caught in her knuckles that Neil carefully removed, and was satisfied when her search came up with no more. She set aside the small tweezers and tore open an alcohol wipe.
"This one might need a few stitches," Neil said, almost soft, but that wasn't really something she possessed. "I can do them, but Abby can probably do them neater."
"Do it."
Neil nodded, keeping her head bowed as she worked. It didn't take long. When she tied off the final stitch, Audrey spoke again. Neil didn't have to look up to know Audrey would still be sporting that flat look.
"Give Riko a couple days, and he will know everything about you. Riko has his money and power. He'll look for a way to get back at you, and won't take long to see how cold your trail is. How long will it take for someone with his connections to figure out the truth."
Neil's already aching head swam. She hadn't thrown up when Riko hit her in the face despite the pain, but the wave of nausea from that statement made her reconsider.
"What will you do when he finds out?" Audrey pressed, ignoring Neil's silence. "Run away?"
"You know I will," Neil said softly.
"I know," Audrey said, and left Neil to smear Neosporin on the gashes with the wrapper of the alcohol wipe in silence, since Neil still didn't want to touch her directly when she was like this. "I can see it. I see you, Neil. You look for every exit in a room, and this is supposed to be your rest stop between running."
Neil kept her head bowed, beginning to wrap Audrey's hand with gauze. Audrey slid two fingers under Neil's chin, prying her head up to meet Audrey's gaze. Neil jerked away from the touch, but held eye contact.
"Running won't save you this time."
"Shut up."
"Running was only an option when no one was looking," Audrey said over her. "You knew that back in June. It's why you wanted to leave before October. You should have left before you insulted him. You can't go now. Riko will want to know who defied him, and he'll get his answers. You can't outrun your past any longer."
"I have to try," Neil said.
"I thought you didn't want to leave."
"I don't want to."
"What would it take to make you stay?"
The question was so unexpected Neil paused, her hand finally brushing against Audrey's. "What?"
She leaned forward. "Name it, and it's yours. It doesn't matter what it is, so long as you stand your ground here with us."
"I can't."
"You can. You have everything you need to survive. You're just too afraid to see it."
Neil shook her head. That wasn't true– it couldn't be. "I don't understand."
Audrey sighed again, as if she was being difficult on purpose. "Riko will find out the truth, but he can't tell his brother. Riko and Ichirou aren't allowed to associate with each other. They're different branches, and Coach Moriyama won't let him anyway. This year is about Kevin and Riko, see? He won't want news about you getting out and distracting people from the showdown. They're free to make your life a living hell, and they'll try to use the truth against you, but they can't sell you out yet.
"Use that time to narrow the angles they can get at you. Kevin wants to make you a star, so let him. Take what he is giving you and make it your shield. It's hard to kill a man when everyone's eyes are on him. Make them love you, make them hate you. I don't care. As long as they're looking at you. You have one year to figure it out." Audrey slipped her hand free from Neil's and pointed a freshly bandaged finger in Neil's face. "For one year, I'll stand between you and the Moriyamas if you stand at Kevin's side. Next year your life is your problem again, understand?"
"Why?" Neil asked. "Why would you help me?"
"Kevin won't hold his deal to me if he's too afraid, and he's the biggest coward I've ever met. The only time I've seen him not cowering away from Riko was on that stage."
Neil shook her head, but Audrey pressed her finger into Neil's chest. "Don't say no to me when this is what you want."
But was it what she wanted? Neil Josten was hardly real, only based around what life she had found on the court, but even that would have been easily stripped from her, demonstrated by Kevin's threats this morning.
Staying for Exy would be worth it. She had already decided that months ago.
There was a massive hole in Audrey's plan, but it was because of Neil's lies that it was there in the first place. It wasn't only the Moriyamas after Neil, but her father's men. Neil was an aching, bleeding wound that day and she couldn't stand honesty anymore. It was tearing her apart already, but the idea of Audrey swearing to protect her while not knowing what she was truly up against would be a cruel thing to do. Audrey put up against DeMaccio or Plank was so stupid it was almost laughable.
"Why?" Neil asked again.
"You'll get your answers in Columbia when you come out with us tonight."
Neil jerked, stepping out of Audrey's grabbing range. "No. Never again."
"If you want to stay, you'll come with us at nine. Riko is out for blood tonight, and we'll be safest there instead of anywhere other than maybe the dorms. It won't be like last time; I already told you I wouldn't allow anything like that to happen again. If you're stupid enough to run, pack up and leave before then. That's three hours, almost, for you to decide."
"That's not enough time," Neil said.
"Yet somehow I doubt you're a stranger to snap decisions. You gave your game to Kevin. Give your back to me."
"I gave my game to Kevin, and he twisted it and immediately used it against me today. He's going to get me killed."
"That's because Kevin is as much of a fool as he is a coward. I won't use my protection against you like that. I swear."
"If Kevin twists it again, I'm done."
"If he wants you to stick around, he'll know better than to try it again. You might want to warn him again, though, since he's never very good at taking no for an answer." Audrey twisted her hand, getting a good look at the bandages and the job Neil had done. "Decide now, or get out of my room."
Neil left, but only made it as far as the hallway. As soon as the door shut behind her, her legs locked and she grabbed desperately at the wall. A spike of panic wrenched her stomach into her throat. She dug the side of her hand into her mouth so hard she tasted blood.
Was she honestly supposed to think one goalkeeper could protect her?
Her thoughts went, unbidden, to the confrontation in Kathy's studio. Audrey had shown up in time to protect Neil. She should have gone straight for Kevin, since Kevin appeared to be the center of her strange world, but she had put herself between Riko and Neil instead. Audrey knew exactly who the Moriyamas were and she knew hints of what Neil was involved in. She didn't know the half of it, but Neil wanted to see if she could do it all the same. It wouldn't matter in the end anyway. Neil was her father's daughter and she would never live free as long as he and his people were alive.
Neil shoved away from the wall and went to the stairwell. She was running before she reached the ground floor, and she slammed the front door open so hard it banged on its hinges. Louder than that crash was her heartbeat thundering in her ears.
Could she stay?
What if she could stay? What if a teenager out of her mind on the imagined power of two knives strapped to her arms was really enough? What if Audrey was right that the Foxes' infamy could protect her identity?
Neil should know better than to believe such dangerous promises, but Audrey's words haunted her every step of the way down Perimeter Road until, an hour later when she finally turned around, she was half convinced.
No, in no world would Audrey's protection truly be enough, but maybe this was what her mother had always warned her about. Hers was hardly a life, but Neil Josten's wasn't. She could make Exy her life, and use Audrey's promise to keep her safe from the Moriyamas until her father's people came calling, at least. Thoughts of the game raced back to her, and that only cemented her decision. She would stay.
What Mary had worked so hard to give her was never a real life. She wiped sticky hands on her legs as she ran. Mary hadn't worked so that Neil could live another five or so years, and die alone. Mary would hate Palmetto State more than anything, but already the few months she had spent here were more of a life than Neil had ever had before.
She would stay for as long as they would have her.
Fox Tower was busy, forcing Neil to weave through chaos until she made it back to her dorm to shower. Back at Audrey's dorm, she had almost gotten up the courage to knock when the door opened without warning.
"He made it," Audrey said. "That's interesting." She stepped closer, getting uncomfortably into Neil's space. "Remember this feeling. This is the moment you stop being a rabbit."
Neil was too startled to answer, but Audrey didn't wait either way. She slid past Neil, and waited in the hallway to wait. Nicky came out of the room next, a grin lighting up his entire face when he saw Neil. Aaron raised a single eyebrow but said nothing, just following Audrey, and Neil turned before she looked at Kevin. With no common enemy in Riko, she was still beyond angry about earlier.
Movement two doors down gave Neil a reason to look away from Audrey. Five strangers were knocking on her suite door. Seth stepped out to greet them, sleeping backs and high-fiving as he moved into their ranks. Allison wasn't far behind them, pressing against Seth's back and sliding her hands down his sides into his pants. Neil watched as she systematically dug throughout all his pockets. She came back with just a lighter and a crumpled stick of gum.
Seth sent her an annoyed look over his shoulder. "I'm not stupid."
She kissed him quiet, and put everything back just in time for Matt and Dan to step out after them. Matt waved to Neil, calling out, "Neil, you made it! Seth and Allison are bar-hopping downtown so the rest of us are prepping a movie marathon. Any requests?"
"You're leaving campus?" Nicky said. "Are you serious?"
Allison glared. "It's none of your business."
Matt glanced at Allison, expression tight, but kept talking to Neil. "Renee should be back with drinks any second. She said she would get something nonalcoholic for both of you."
"I'm buying Neil's drinks tonight," Audrey interrupted.
It took them a couple seconds to catch on. When they did, Dan lurched out of the doorway with a hard, "You're joking."
Audrey just looked her up and down, then shook her head once.
"He's not going out with you again. He'll probably wind up dead."
"Jesus, Dan," Nicky said. "When you say things like that it makes me think you don't trust us."
"You're one to talk," Neil said quietly.
Nicky's mouth snapped shut with an audible click, but it was clear that Dan and Matt hadn't heard. Aaron was already pointing two fingers at Matt and Dan, saying, "It's actually none of your business."
Neil lifted his chin. "I can take care of myself. If anyone should be worried, it's Allison and Seth."
"What does that mean?" Seth said, visibly bristling.
"Riko will be out for blood tonight," Neil repeated Audrey's words from earlier. "You won't be safe going out. Don't believe me if you don't want to, but don't come crying when someone pulls a knife on you in the bathroom, or doses your drink."
Allison snorted, and Neil finally jerked her head. "Are we going or what?"
"You aren't leaving with them, Neil," Matt said, but was interrupted by Neil holding up her hand.
"I'll text you if I need a ride. I'll see you tomorrow."
"We're going," Audrey agreed, and went down the hall with Kevin on her heels.
They made it all the way to the car before it was Aaron who snorted. "You don't even have a phone."
The drive was the same long silence. Sweetie's was just as busy tonight as it had been on their first visit, but they were lucky enough to show up when a car was pulling out. Nicky snatched the spot, and the five headed inside together. There were two groups ahead of them waiting for a table. Kevin gave his name to the hostess. Audrey looked at Neil.
"We need a number for crackers. Are you in or out?"
"Do I actually have a choice this time?"
"From now on you do."
Neil didn't believe her for a second, but shook her head anyway. Nicky handed Neil a bag of clothes, and pointed her in the direction of the men's bathroom. To Neil's distress, Nicky followed her, prickling the hairs on the back of her neck.
"Look," Nicky said, as soon as he pushed through the door after her, "I know we all screwed up last time, me especially, but please believe me when I say Audrey was looking out for the rest of us. She didn't want to take any chances, but I think things are different now."
She didn't respond, just sorting through the sack.
"Okay, no, don't just ignore me. What's with that look? You do know what you're doing out with us, tonight, right? Audrey squeezed some sort of explanation into her usual nonsense?"
"Sort of," Neil said. "She said she would have answers for me later."
"Oh, that's great. That means Audrey is keeping you, same as she keeps Kevin. You're part of the family now."
"I don't believe in family."
"Who does these days?" Nicky took one look at whatever Neil's face must have been doing, and sighed. "Being related doesn't make us family. Audrey feels that way, and I understand why she and Aaron can barely stand each other, but I'm not giving up on them yet. I want to fix this, and show them they're wrong. Family means something different with us, just because it has to. It's not about blood, or even who we like. It's just who Audrey is willing to protect."
"And she's including me because of this morning?"
"Partly, but only because it proved that you're the reason Kevin will stay with our team. Audrey's got Kevin's back, but you've got Kevin's attention. You're as freakishly obsessed with Exy as he is. That makes you invaluable to Audrey."
She had nothing to say to that, so she just hefted the sack. Nicky got the message and left the bathroom. Neil went alone in the stall to change, and came out by the time the cousins were sat. Neil skipped the ice cream, settling for a side of fries with sauce. They left Sweetie's faster than last time, and made their way to Eden's. With South Carolina's blue laws, according to Nicky, bars stopped serving alcohol at midnight on Saturdays, so the line was half the size of it. They only had an hour and a half to drink, and after Nicky explained that they had more at the house and how they had gotten the house in the first place, they were already inside.
Audrey wove her way with Neil to the bar, and once she had gotten Ross's attention, got Neil a sealed can of soda. Neil gave Audrey a flat look, not appreciating having been lied to last time. She was sure it was just a show, because they had proven how vulnerable Neil could be rendered here, but cracked the top anyway.
Audrey waited until Neil finally took a sip, though she didn't actually let any liquid past her lips and only swallowed saliva, to gesture between the two of them. "We're going to be doing the honesty thing until I grow bored of it. In a moment, you're going to be perfectly honest with me, and tell me exactly what I have to do to keep you here."
Neil snorted. "Here is some honesty. I don't like you, and I don't trust you."
"That's mutual," Audrey said, "and it doesn't change anything."
"Nicky says you're only keeping me here because of Kevin. What happens if Kevin gets bored of me?"
"Keep his interest." Audrey said, and it wasn't a suggestion.
"Can you protect me from my past?"
"Your father's boss," Audrey guessed.
The truth burned her tongue, sharp and sour as fresh blood. "Word got around that the Moriyamas didn't trust his people anymore and his business never really recovered. He's been after me ever since. He was arrested on some small charges a while back but he won't be in jail forever. You said the Moriyamas can't touch me this year because of Kevin, but he won't stop, and his people won't stop. If he finds me, he will kill me."
"What a mess," Audrey said, unsympathetic. "Easy enough to take care of, though."
Neil thought of Lola, saying words almost identical to that in regards to a corpse, and smiled. A group of people shouldered their way up to the bar counter at Neil's back, pushing her into Audrey. Audrey didn't budge beneath her weight. She was something solid to lean against, something violent and fierce and unmoving. Neil couldn't remember what it felt like to have someone hold her up. It was terrifying and liberating all at once. Her life was out of her control now; she was giving it to Audrey and hoping she would keep it safe despite knowing she couldn't.
Ross returned with a tray of drinks. Audrey took it and motioned for Neil to go ahead of her, lifting the tray over their head. She had just finished unloading the drinks onto their tabletop when Nicky showed up. Neil thought he'd seen them drink fast last time, but it had nothing on tonight. She faux-nursed her soda, slowly seeping its coolness and condensation into her hands while watching them get trashed while occasionally pretending to sip it, throat bobbing. They broke out the dust early, and Aaron and Nicky vanished to the dance floor shortly afterwards. Audrey collected empty cups and took the tray back to the bar.
It was the first time Neil and Kevin had been alone since the show. Despite everything that happened that day, they had nothing to say to each other. Any words out of Neil's mouth would be sharp enough to kill. French would be the only thing dulling the edge, since she was out of practice. Neil took a few breaths, counting to ten in all the languages she knew, then finally turned to face him.
"I am here to play Exy. You knew that, and you used it against me."
"Because I knew Audrey would protect you."
Neil stared at the man, the words she held back burned against her tongue. Audrey against Nathan Wesninski? Kevin had watched her father carve a man into pieces in front of him when they were children. Would he feel the same knowing that was who Audrey would be up against?
Her hand tugged the collar of her shirt down. Kevin had already seen it in the dressing room, but it still set her skin itching when his eyes fell on her scarred skin. Her wounding words softened, at least a little, when spoken in French. She thought back to England, to softer words than she had gotten when learning German, and pulled on her parisian accent. "This is a bullet scar. Anyone that's after me is scarier than Riko could even imagine."
Neil didn't know if he was too drunk, or silent by the scar, but Kevin said nothing. She let go of her collar, hiding the bullet scar and also the knife wound that climbed up her collarbone and neck. She forced another count to ten, this time in her new Japanese.
"Audrey cannot stand against them, and I wouldn't want her to. How will Audrey protect you when she's in the hospital from a gunshot wound just for getting in their way?"
"I didn't know."
"Because you didn't listen," Neil snapped. "You are a coward. Your fear of Riko blinds you to the danger that you're putting everyone in with your idiocy. No wonder you're brothers, you're just like him."
Kevin spluttered, turning red, but Neil cut him off before he could get started.
"I am here to play Exy," Neil repeated, and let her father's smile shine without hiding it or pulling it off her face with her fingers. "Use it against me again, and there will be consequences."
Kevin looked away, and then finished the rest of the tray in quick succession before pushing to his feet. Neil poured the contents of her soda can into one of the empty glasses and crumpled the metal. Half an hour later, Aaron and Nicky made their way back to the emptied tray and Nicky took the soda down in a few swallows before they were off again. Neil was starting to think Audrey had died on her way back from the bar when she finally returned with a load of drinks and Kevin in tow an hour after she had first left. Neil almost said something about it, but let it go for watching the group drink at their breakneck speeds again.
Last call for drinks went up ten 'til midnight. Aaron and Nicky came back for a final round. Kevin had to climb up Audrey's side to get to his feet after downing thirteen drinks in an hour and a half. Neil thought it was a miracle he stayed standing at all. Audrey helped Kevin out, and Neil followed shortly after. She took the offered passenger seat after her offer to drive was ignored, and began to worry about where she would be safe to sleep at the cousins' house. Audrey was pulling into the driveway when Aaron's phone rang. Aaron rumbled through his pockets looking for it, but it took him four rings to find it. He flipped it open, staring blearily at the screen, and made a face.
"Coach," he finally slurred. "Do you know what time– what? Wait– what?" there was a pause where the entire car obviously listened, but all Aaron eventually said was, "you're lying."
Aaron jerked the phone away from his ear and shoved it at Audrey. Audrey took time to light a cigarette before taking it. She cradled the phone between her ear and shoulder as she put her pack away.
"What do you want?" she asked then listened as Wymack explained all over again. "Overdosed like how?"
"Again?" Nicky slurred. 'That stupid bastard."
Audrey shook her head to no one that was there to see the motion, the only sign of her intoxication. "No, not a good idea. I'll call you when we're back in town."
Nicky slumped forward in his chair and groaned. "Shit. No way."
"Who overdosed?" Neil asked.
"Seth." Audrey hung up and tapped the phone against her thigh. "Someone found him face-down in the bathroom at Bacchus, and Allison gave him a Narcan, but they don't know if it was enough. It's exactly what I warned him would happen."
Neil blinked. "He overdosed?"
"Keep up."
"I thought he was on something, but I never saw him using anything."
"He cleared most of it out of his system years ago," Audrey waved a hand. "Only thing he's on these days is antidepressants. Like you said, Riko was out for blood, and those two were easy targets."
"I might be sick," Nicky said.
Neil looked at him, and was surprised by how hard Nicky and Aaron seemed to be taking it. She wondered if she was supposed to feel something, but her mental check came back clean. She had grown up around suffering and deaths. It was nothing to her now but ice in her system as the occasional reminder to keep moving.
"Are we going back?"
Audrey waved her hand. "Not when I'm drunk."
"I could drive."
She seemed to consider this, then shook her head, getting out of the car. "We'll wait until morning. Come on."
Neil couldn't understand why the other three were still in the back, seemingly unable to get out of the car under the weight of the news. She had no problem following Audrey into the house.
Audrey jabbed a finger at her. "That apathy doesn't bode well for your sanity."
Neil shrugged. "I don't understand trying suicide. Staying alive has always been so important, I can't imagine actively trying to die."
"He wasn't. He wanted a way out for a little while, a few hours where he didn't have to think or feel. Problem was he picked an out that's easy to die on. That's his fault."
"Is that why you drink?" Neil asked. "You don't want to feel?"
Audrey turned to face her. Neil wasn't expecting it, and almost ran into her. That close, Neil could smell the alcohol and cigarettes on her. It made her think of her burning to ashes on the beach, of how her skull had fallen into her ribcage. She reached out without thinking, taking Audrey's cigarette. For some reason, Audrey let her keep it.
"I don't feel for anyone or anything," Audrey said. "Don't forget that."
"So Kevin's just a hobby for you?"
Audrey shook her head. "You don't get it. Riko won this round. We'll see in the morning if Gordon pulls through, or if you'll be starting striker. You said our greatest strength is in our small size. How strong do you feel now? Are you and Kevin ready to carry us to championships?
"Renee stopped by after you left and asked how soon we could expect Riko to respond. Kevin said we would hear back tonight. Pity you didn't see the busybodies panic when they realized you weren't at the dorm anymore. I told them you'd be back at nine, so they built your plans around you. Not your fault Allison and Seth didn't listen to all three of our warnings. They're paying for your loud mouth, and for their own stupidity. How does the weight of that on your shoulders feel?"
Neil shook her head. "I'm willing to gamble with my life, but not with theirs. They don't deserve that."
"You don't have to," Audrey said. "I say the odds are good. The Foxes are famous for having terrible seasons, but even bad ones only go so far. One death is a believable tragedy. Two brings us below the bare minimum number of requisite players to compete. Coach Moriyama wants Kevin and Riko to face-off on court, so Riko can't actually disqualify us." Audrey hooked her fingers in the collar of Neil's shirt and tugged just enough for her to feel it. "I know what I'm doing. I knew what I was agreeing to when I took Kevin's side. I knew what it cost us and how far I'd have to go. Understand? You aren't going anywhere. You're staying here."
Audrey didn't let go until she nodded, and then reached for Neil's hand. Not to touch, but to take her cigarette back. She replaced it with a warm key pressed into Neill's empty palm. Neil lifted her hand to look at it. The hardware logo engraved in it meant it was a copy, but to what, she didn't know. It only took a minute to figure it out, though. Audrey had used this key to unlock the front door and then took it off the ring on the porch. Now, she was giving it to Neil.
"Get some sleep," Audrey said. "No one will touch you tonight, even if you sleep in the den. We're going home tomorrow. We'll figure this out then."
Audrey went around Neil to the front door. She would go check on her family, not sharing in their emotions and nerves of Seth's possible recovery, but keeping watch from the doorway. Neil turned, setting off down the hall for the den, where she curled up in one of the recliners.
Despite Audrey's promises and confidence, chances were good that Neil was going to leave Palmetto State in a casket before spring. Neil thought she would be okay with it. That was these last few months had been for: preparing for her own death. She would spend her last few months as Neil Josten, starting striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. She would be Kevin's protege, a teenager with a bright figure and her death would be another tragedy. It sounded a lot better than dying scared and alone halfway around the world.
Neil looked down at the key in her hand.
"Home," she whispered, needing to hear it aloud. It was a foreign concept to her, an impossible dream. It was frightening and wonderful all at once, and it set her heart racing so fast she thought it would drum out of her chest.
"Welcome home, Neil."
Notes:
yes lol i changed the length of audrey's hookup in the backroom to an hour but for lesbians i feel like even that's too short idk. also narcan saves lives! and it's free! learn more about it here!
Chapter 8: the lineup
Notes:
this is truly the longest chapter in the world bc there just wasn't a good place to split it. anyway. expect both shorter chapters and longer chapters from here on out i guess
Chapter Text
Neil had seen more people die than she could comfortably count. Death was unpleasant, but extremely familiar. She had seen everything, from multiple men coming completely apart in chunks scattered around bloody rooms, to the slow choking death of a punctured trachea, to her own mother's silent but slow death until she had slipped away completely.
Somehow none of that had prepared her for the inside of a hospital.
It made her skin itchy, pushing her to do more than just look for simple exits. She did not belong here, not in the slightest.
And yet, Seth only pointed a finger at her when the nurse ushered her into the room.
"Exactly the asshole I wanted to see," Seth said.
Neil didn't sit down, just stood in front of the bed. Matt had driven most of the upperclassmen to the hospital to visit Seth, all except Allison who was already there, but Seth had sent them all out and requested Neil specifically.
"You look like shit."
Seth laughed, and Neil wondered how much of it was whatever was in his IV drip. "Yeah, so they tell me. Listen, I need to talk to you."
Neil nodded, just waiting. Seth rolled his eyes.
"Two nights here and I already forgot how pleasant you were. Jesus." Seth scrubbed a hand down his face, and Neil watched how it shook. "They're sending me to a rehab center for a while. Easthaven or some shit. It's going to be another waste of time. You and I know it can't do any good, because I didn't want to take those pills."
"When are you coming back to the team?"
"As fast as I can, but if that Moriayama bitch sticks his foot in it again, then I don't know. I want you to watch Ally for me."
Neil squinted at him, waiting for him to say something else. Seth only stared at him until Neil finally said, "Why me?"
"You were right. Is that what you want me to say? You were right and I was stupid."
Neil shook her head. "I don't get any satisfaction from this, or whatever you're thinking. You're right that it was stupid not to listen, but it doesn't change anything now."
Seth shook his head, holding up a hand. Neil fell quiet, watching Seth visibly gather his thoughts. When he eventually spoke, his voice was gravelly, almost soft in the emotion that Neil didn't know and couldn't guess.
"You were right, and that little creep Audrey was right. You both warned me, you both estimated the threat correctly. I can't trust anyone to watch Al except for someone who knows what's coming, and that's you. I can't believe I underestimated the fucking yakuza, but I didn't think I was important enough to be a factor."
"You weren't," Neil said. "It wasn't about you, it was about Kevin."
"As if I don't know that. That makes this whole thing worse. They were going to kill me, and it would've been some great predictable tragedy. No one likes the Foxes, and no one would've been surprised that I overdosed in the back of some bar. That's what it's all about. We are all expendable, except for Kevin. Whatever affects the team, they will use, because you know as good as I do that Day still couldn't give a fuck about any of us, but he does care about what affects the line. So, promise me that when I'm gone, you'll watch Ally."
"Then you promise me something in return."
Seth snorted, making an effort to roll his eyes before slumping back. Having said what he wanted to say clearly wore him out. "What?"
"When you come back, you'll play like you want to be a part of this team. That's the only way you can get the revenge you want. Riko can't be hurt, outside of Exy, so we'll take that away from him too."
Seth looked her up and down, and apparently finding her satisfactory, smiled. "Alright, you little freak. You've got yourself a deal."
Allison spotted her coming back into the waiting room first, and got up. Matt smiled and offered Neil the vacated chair. Neil shook her head. "Will you drive me back? I don't want to be here any longer."
Matt opened his mouth but Dan interrupted him. "I'll take you back. Give me the keys, babe."
A few seconds later, both girls tumbled out of the hospital. That comforted Neil, at least, knowing that someone else was just as unsettled by the environment. Dan gave her an assessing glance out of the corner of Neil's eye that she ignored all the way until they were buckled as the truck kicked into gear.
"It wasn't something Seth said, was it?"
Neil shook her head. She was feeling a bit too raw, her past floating just under the surface. "It wasn't anything like that. I really don't like hospitals."
Dan shook her head, but she seemed to be smiling. "I figured it was something like that. I don't think you can be a Fox if you feel normal about hospitals. But hey, I just wanted to check up on you. I know you've been hanging out with Kevin and Audrey's lot, and just wanted to make sure you were doing it because you wanted to and not because they're forcing you."
"No, they're fine."
"Are you sure? Because I–"
"I said they're fine."
"Alright. In that case, just know that I'm here for whenever you need me. If you just want to talk, or if you need me to bail you out. Although, I guess Wymack might be a little better for bail."
She laughed a little at that, but thankfully turned up the radio to fill the rest of the drive. Neil made Dan drop her at the stadium, and was correct in guessing where Kevin would be. It didn't take long for her to change out and join him, with a single wave up to Audrey in the stands.
The Foxes had the rest of Monday and Tuesday off, with the understanding that they would be back to practice on Wednesday. That was just fine with Neil, who thought that Kevin was being extra irritating for all of Tuesday. No one should deserve to suffer him. Allison wouldn't be required to go to Wednesday's practice, as she was tasked with driving Seth to Easthaven. Audrey drove Neil, Kevin, and her cousins to the stadium on Wednesday and left to go to her therapy session. Neil pushed through whatever dramatics the cousins were doing, Kevin hot on her heels. They passed Wymack's office on their way in, hearing only the tone of his phone call. She changed out first, taking advantage of the abandoned locker rooms to avoid the stall, and came back to see Aaron and Kevin rearranging the furniture. Neil watched as they pushed chairs and couches into a v-shape, then asked, "What are you doing?"
"Finding a new way to make us fit," Aaron said, "unless you want to stare at an empty chair until Seth gets back."
"It's the same number of cushions," Neil pointed out.
"Four people barely fit on a couch. Five is out of the question.
"Five?"
Kevin looked at her like she was stupid. Neil was painfully familiar with that look by now, but even after four months working with Kevin, she still didn't appreciate it.
"You do know your place, don't you?" Kevin asked.
Until Saturday night, Neil had never been stupid enough to think that she had a place. Audrey promised she could change that, but her protection had a price tag. Audrey would try to protect Neil from her past if Neil helped her keep Kevin at Palmetto State. It sounded easy enough, but Nicky warned her there was more to it. Neil was supposed to do it from the inside of Audrey's dysfunctional group. She couldn't hide on the fringes anymore.
Neil looked at the new arrangement in the lounge again, and understood. That summer, Audrey's four had all squished onto one couch. Now they could spread out, three on the couch and two to the chairs on either side. The remaining upperclassmen got the couch and the chair opposite them, Wymack standing in the middle of the V.
Neil started for the chair on the end, since she had always had the outside seat, but Aaron sank into it first. Neil must have hesitated too long, and Aaron finally rolled his eyes. "You're on the couch with Kevin and Audrey. Sit down.
"I don't want to be boxed in," Neil said, "And I don't want to sit next to your sister."
"Nicky put up with it for a year," Aaron said. "You can deal with it."
"You're her brother," Neil said, but knew it wouldn't mean anything to him. Wymack only recruited athletes from broken homes, and the Foxhole Court was a fantasy family, invented to make it interesting from the public's view. Neil knew it was a lost cause even as she argued, so she took the seat Aaron had assigned her.
Dan led the upperclassmen into the lounge when they arrived, but only made it a couple steps into the room before grinding to a halt. Dan pointed at Neil, but stared at Kevin. "What is that about?"
Aaron answered, "You knew what it meant when we took him Saturday night."
Neil considered speaking, but she had already said everything she wanted to Dan on the matter, and didn't care to elaborate. It didn't help that something was twisting her gut into knots that she couldn't put her finger on. Stress? Nerves? She didn't know.
Through the wall, Wymack slamming the phone down was audible. Neil wondered if the argument really was over, or if he had used the arrival of more Foxes as an excuse to get off the phone. He strode into the lounge a couple seconds later, and followed Dan's finger to Neil. He looked from Neil to Kevin to Aaron, then around the room at the new layout, then back at Neil.
"Last I checked, Audrey hated you," Wymack said.
"She still does," Neil shrugged, and didn't bother explaining.
Wymack shrugged that off, then took up his spot once everyone sat, leaning against the entertainment center. He held his tattooed forearms against his clipboard, and sighed. Neil had never seen him look quite this old as he took to explaining.
The Foxes have never had particularly good odds, but the upcoming year was looking a little more than bleak. They were already the smallest team in the NCAA Class I Exy. Now they were the smallest a team could be and still qualify to play. Seth would be back as soon as he could, but with no set date, the Foxes had to tread lightly, and actually start winning. They had lost their only fifth year senior, and for now, their remaining offense team consisted of an injured national champion and an amateur. The heavy news sat over them while they changed out, but Neil seemed to be the only one to feel something deeper.
Wymack finished his shitty pep talk, and Neil followed her team into the men's locker room, not wanting to stay in the room with a possibly angry older man. It was silent as they all dressed and Neil, already dressed, took the time to stretch. She took the time to evaluate her reflection in the vanity.
She had a love-hate relationship with her reflection out of necessity. She was the spitting image of the murderous father she had run from eight years ago. The only clear differences were the femininity and recent weight gain softening her features slightly. Hair dye and contacts were the easiest way to hide her face, but keeping up with it when she lived with the Foxes was exhausting. She checked her roots twice a day every day, and slept with her back to the room so she could take her contacts out at night. The case was kept in her pillowcase, and she had a spare lenses in her wallet. It was tricky, but it helped keep her alive and safe. Neil didn't think it was going to be nearly enough anymore.
She didn't realize how long she had stalled until Matt and Kevin came looking for her. She saw their reflections as they stepped into the doorway behind her, but didn't turn around.
"All the way to finals?" Neil asked, voice cracking.
"Miracles happen," Matt said.
"Don't rely on something as insubstantial as a miracle," Kevin said. "You won't win anything by standing around. Finish getting changed and get down to the court."
"One day I want you to look up insensitivity in the dictionary," Matt said, quickly annoyed. "I'm sure it'll do your ego wonders to see your picture printed there beside it."
"No," Neil said, before Kevin could respond. "He's right. The chance of Coach finding us another striker when the year's already started is slim, and no one has a clue when Seth will be back. Until he figures something out, Kevin and I are all you've got, and neither one of us is good enough."
"Hear that, Kevin?" Matt said. "Your sub said you're incompetent."
"His opinion doesn't matter to me," Kevin said, but Neil didn't hear any denial of the words.
Smugness was fleeting but warm while it lasted. Neil pushed away from the mirrors and finished pulling on her armor. Dan and Renee were waiting for them in the foyer, and they went into the stadium for warmups. After forty minutes of laps and interval runs, they trekked back into the locker room for water. They were stretching as a group when the front door opened to let in Audrey.
It was confirmed when they all spilled onto the court as a whole.
The Foxes were angry.
Just like she had noticed during their first game, she felt it again. The Foxes were a group of angry people who had been abandoned and given up on time and time again, given just one more chance from Wymack. That didn't mean they had to like each other, but Neil felt it under her feet and in every mouthful of air she sucked in. The Foxes, for the first time outside of a game, had been given a common enemy.
They only stopped when Renee called a pause. That was an oddity enough, so when she called Neil over to the court door, Neil only came out of confusion. She met Neil with a smile, shutting the court door so they wouldn't be overheard, and tugged her helmet off.
"Sorry," she said, slightly out of breath. "I didn't want anyone else to overhear, but it seems like you might want to go see Abby."
Neil looked down, and felt ice slide down her spine.
The bottom of her shorts were stained red, and there was a stem of blood on both of her thighs.
Both of them were distracted, though, as Coach Wymack barged past them to swing the court door open. Neil didn't hear anything he said, ears filled with horrible cotton. Saliva pooled in her mouth, head swimming. The only thing that distracted her was Renee's soft hand on her forearm.
"Do you want me to help you to Abby's office?"
Neil shook her head, and Renee took that gracefully, heading back onto the court. The slam of the door was enough to get Neil moving, feet stumbling under her until she made it to the door with the red cross on it. It was empty, but the sound of it opening must have alerted Abby, because the nurse appeared over Neil's shoulder with a worried expression.
"Hi, Neil. What can I help you with?"
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She tried again, clearing her throat, and managed, "I think I started my period?"
"Oh," Abby said, and then gestured for Neil to sit on the table.
Neil shook her head. "I don't want to stain it."
The nurse only smiled again, then shook her head as she opened some drawers, pulling out a packet of what Neil dimly recognized as pads, and then a box of something labelled as tampons. "Alright. Take these, then."
Neil only looked down at the package. "Abby."
She hummed, waiting for Neil, who slowly tugged her eyes up to meet the nurse's soft look. "I might have lied. In my checkup. I've never had a period before. I don't know how to use these."
"Oh, well that's alright. Let me show you."
After a brief explanation of use, Neil was sent off to the bathroom with the pads. When returning to the nurse's office, Abby gave her a dose of ibuprofen and heating pad, which would apparently satiate the cramps that were caused by this. Neil had to change out, dumping her bloodied shorts in the bottom of the bin carefully wrapped in her jersey, and only stopped by Abby's office again to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She just finished tucking the pads into her backpack when she saw Audrey.
Audrey didn't acknowledge Neil with more than a glance, sitting on the bed while Abby wrapped her fist. Neil briefly wondered what happened, but didn't want to ask. Abby seemed to be taking out the stitches that Neil had sewn in, but there was definitely fresh blood there. Neil turned to leave, which finally prompted Audrey into holding up a hand.
"Rabbit. Stick around just a little longer and I'll drive you home."
Neil nodded, then leaned against the door. Abby was scolding Audrey gently, but neither of them were actually listening. Audrey was eyeing Neil, and as soon as Abby must've said she was done, slid off the bed.
"What happened to your hand?" Neil said, as soon as they were out of range from the nurse.
"Kevin doesn't like to be told no."
"And how does Kevin look?"
"I couldn't hurt Exy's precious star, now could I? This is from the wall. What about you?"
Neil shrugged. "Nothing serious, just something Renee wanted me to check with Abby."
"Nothing serious, but you're being sent home from practice."
Neil shrugged, and just followed after her to the car. When Audrey started up the engine's soft growl, she finally said, "Play another round of our game with me. What really got you out of practice?"
"Isn't it my turn?"
Audrey looked over at her, then flicked her fingers in acknowledgement. Starting easy, then, Neil said, "What made you angry enough to try and smash your hand? If it was actually Kevin, I don't think you would have a single unbroken bone in your body by now."
She drummed her fingers along the steering wheel as she pulled out of the stadium parking lot. "You'll probably hear it from Nicky later, since he can't keep his big mouth shut." She drove for a little while, Neil making herself sit in the silence, until Audrey finally spoke again. "Had a phone call from someone I knew in California. The officer that told Aaron he had a twin. I guess you could say I'm not big on reminders of my past, so I didn't like him asking after one of my old foster families. When I say no, I mean it, so I didn't like that he called back."
Neil nodded. That was more than what she was expecting, so she waited until Audrey asked her question.
"How did your mother die, Neil?"
Neil swallowed back the immediate wave of nausea. It took her a second to find her voice, but she knew she had to answer. It wouldn't make sense with her story if she was so heavily affected by the death of her mother that had been almost ten years ago.
"Beaten with a tire iron, and a lead pipe," Neil said, words both too sticky and heavy no matter how hard she tried to push them out.
"Crude for the Moriyamas," Audrey blithely speculated. "Wanted to make it a punishment for you and your father, then. You had to watch?"
"Yes. It was the distraction I needed to get away, but… I wanted to take her with me. "
Audrey nodded, and Neil tried to ground herself in the passenger seat. Yes, Neil had watched, too distracted with the sound of metal against flesh to do anything. Mary had to grab her and drag her away, but she hadn't had the strength for much else. Neil had driven the rest of the way to California, after the one time they had stopped for gas.
"Did she have any last words? Something horrifically traumatic that's going to creep up to bite you later with one of those moments you seem to be so fond of?"
Neil exhaled, almost a snort, but she was too tired. "She told me to never stop running. It has already bitten me, so you won't need to worry about that."
"Yes, because you're so normal." Audrey parked, then climbed out. She didn't wait for Neil, but she did pick up her pace when Neil caught up. "Officer Pig Higgins. He's investigating Richard Spear for child sexual abuse. Apparently, someone went back on their word and there was another kid in that house after me."
With that knowledge, the world clicked a little more into place. Audrey's reaction to Nicky at Eden's, at least. Neil glanced over at Audrey, and felt her stomach sink at the other's expression.
"They have the wrong Spear, then?"
Audrey gritted her teeth. "Is that your question?"
Neil considered it, then nodded. Audrey came to a stop outside the door for Fox Tower and flicked out a cigarette. She lit it, pulled in a drag, then said, "Yes. Richard Spear is an uninteresting but relatively harmless human being. They won't find anything to pin on him. Was that German, in Eden's?"
The immediate fear flooded back, the cloistering, all pervading sour feeling that set all the hair on the back of her neck on end. She needed to get out of there. Out of Palmetto, and out of South Carolina altogether. She could feel the phantom hand of her mother, raining punishing blows down on her again and again until she lost all traces of her accent as anything but native to whatever area they were in at the drop of a hat. Yet, it was Audrey. She hadn't said a word of any of Neil's many secrets to anyone, as far as she knew.
"Yes."
Audrey eyed her, then spoke in German. "Are you fluent?"
Neil obediently followed the switch. "Probably. It's been a long time since I've had to use it though."
She had an accent, of course, far from the forced native Berlin accent that Neil was most comfortable imitating, although the American accent slipping through Audrey's syllables made her want to slip into the accent she had to use in Luxembourg to go with their identities at the time.
"Why?"
"My mother was European. I'm losing the languages pretty fast, but they were always useful for living on the run."
Audrey gave her a shrewd glare, then shut her eyes, dropping her head against the bricks of the tower. Neil couldn't figure out what fascination Audrey had with her, or what puzzle she was trying to figure out by staring so she didn't mind the reprieve of Audrey's eyes boring into her. "Were you just going to pretend like you couldn't understand what we were saying?"
"Would revealing myself stop Nicky from making comments where I could hear them?"
When Audrey finally spoke again, it seemed almost against her will. Balancing the scales, Neil realized. Audrey felt Neil had given too much truth and wouldn't wait for credit, but to even out the score. That was interesting. "Drake Spear."
Neil had nothing to say to that. It was an admission, of course, and a horrible one at that. Neil owed the woman in front of her nothing, not anymore. Neil had answered her questions, but maybe this strange feeling in her chest was the exact reason that Audrey had spoken. So, she said, "Mary."
Audrey's eyes found hers, and Audrey dipped her chin in acknowledgement. When Neil didn't say anything else, she flicked two fingers in her direction. Neil took that as the dismissal it was, and hurried up to her dorm room. She dug out her homework, making slow work of it as the cramps pulled more of her attention until Neil finally remembered the heating pack Abby had given her. She was still working when Matt and Dan both came into the room, and surprisingly, with Kevin and Nicky on their tail.
Of course Audrey had been right earlier, but Neil hadn't expected them to wait for the interrogation so long. Nicky had brought along a handle of rum and an open bottle of cola, so Kevin collected glasses from the kitchen cabinets. Nicky tore his gaze away from Seth's abandoned desk, before kneeling across from Dan and Matt. Neil could hear his knees pop, so she finally said, "Nicky, you can sit next to me. I won't bite."
Nicky looked up at her, eyes wide before he snapped out of it. "Okay. Thank you, Neil!"
Dan took the other empty spot and Matt dragged over two chairs for himself and for Kevin. Kevin was busy setting five glasses on the table, taking the spot at Nicky's side. Neil wasn't surprised at the lack of Allison, and with the itchy feeling of danger under her skin around Renee, didn't ask about her either. Neil grabbed her glass off the table before Nicky could serve her anything. Nicky took that in stride, pouring the others' drinks, then raised his glass in a silent toast to the room. No one joined him, but Nicky didn't wait to down half the drink without a breath. He topped it off with more rum and looked across the room.
"So," Nicky started, sounding more than a little uncomfortable. "This is, uh…"
Matt didn't give him time to figure it out. "Why didn't Aaron know he had a sister?"
Nicky winced, but Neil didn't know what bothered him more: the question, or the rough edge in Matt's voice. Neil also didn't recognize it, and realized it must have been the first time he had heard Neil speak directly to anyone but Dan or Neil after Seth.
"They're twins," Nicky said. He waited for them to catch on, looked from one blank face to another, and frowned in disbelief. "Think about it for a sec, would you? Imagine you're my Aunt Tilda. How eager would you be to tell Aaron that you gave up his sister at birth? She hoped that secret would stay buried forever."
"But Aaron found out," Neil said.
There was something vaguely wrong about prying answers out of Nicky, but Neil couldn't give up any more truths to Audrey to get this information. At least not today, when the ghost of her mother was hot on her neck, pervading her nose with the smell of burning and salt. Besides, it wasn't like she liked Audrey. Audrey had been behind drugging her mercilessly, then planning on getting answers out of her that way, promise of protection or not. Besides, when had she ever cared about being in the wrong before this? She was being ridiculous.
Nicky flashed Neil a tight-lipped smile. "Yeah, and that's why I believe in fate. See, Aaron was born and raised in San Jose. Apparently Aunt Tilda got bored of dating locally and started going online matching sites. Right after Aaron turned thirteen, Aunt Tilda hooked up with this new guy in Oakland. Her boyfriend thought they should meet at a Raiders game, something nice and public and fun, so she stuffed Aaron in the car, and off they went.
"Aaron said he was at the concession stand when his cop walked up, calling him Audrey and talking like they knew each other. Aaron thought he was either crazy, or confused, but it didn't take the cop long to figure out something was wrong."
"Higgins," Matt guessed.
"Yeah. Soon as Higgins figured out he had the wrong twin, he made Aaron take him back to Aunt Tilda. See, Higgins thought Aunt Tilda was another foster mother that Aaron and Audrey had somehow gotten split up in the system. Higgins wanted to reunite them, so Aunt Tilda gave him her phone number to pass along and took Aaron home again.
"I don't know why she bothered. Maybe she was too embarrassed to say no, or didn't want to explain to a cop what was going on. Either way, Audrey's foster mother called the next day to set up a meet-and-greet, and Tilda refused. She told the fosters she didn't want anything to do with Audrey, didn't want to know what she was like, or how she was doing, nothing. She even made them promise not to contact her ever again."
Nicky finished his second drink, and mixed a third. "But Aaron knew who was calling, and was too excited to wait on Tilda to hang up and find out the details. As soon as she picked up in the kitchen, he ran to her bedroom and listened in on the upstairs phone. That's how he found out the truth. Aaron said it was the worst day of his life."
"Jesus," Matt said. "I don't blame him. Did he tell her he'd heard her?"
"Oh, yeah. Aaron said they had it out, but Tilda wouldn't budge, so Aaron went behind her back and called the Oakland PD. He found the PAL coordinators and gave them his information to give to Audrey. Two weeks later he got a letter in the mail that basically said 'fuck you, go away.'"
Matt rubbed at his temples. "Yeah, that sounds like Audrey."
"Some things never change," Nicky said.
Neil didn't agree, something under her skin tugging at memories she didn't want to examine right then.
"So," Dan said, pulling Neil back. "How did Aaron change Audrey's mind?"
Nicky gave her an odd look. "He didn't."
"I mean he didn't try again. I don't know who told Audrey's foster parents about Aaron, if it was Audrey, or this Phil guy, but Audrey's foster mom wrote Aaron a letter. She wanted Aaron to try again in spring and said something about holidays being rough, with lots of changes at the house. So Aaron waited, but he waited too long, because in March, Audrey went off to juvie, and Aaron started rethinking the twin thing. Two months later, Aunt Tilda sold the house in San Jose and moved Aaron to Columbia."
Dan looked bewildered. "Then when did they meet?"
"Dad found out about Audrey five years ago, so…" Nicky counted time on his fingers. "Four and a half years ago, give or take a bit. Dad went to California to interview Audrey's foster family, and stop by the juvie. A month later, he flew Aaron out so Aaron and Audrey could talk, but I don't count that half-hour supervised session as a first meeting. They met for real when Audrey made early parole a year later, and Dad bullied Aunt Tilda into bringing Audrey home."
Nicky nursed his drink for a bit. "Weird when you think about it, right? They've only really known each other for three years."
"That's messed up," Matt said.
"Yeah, and that's the nice version of the story," Nicky said. "Anyway, that's how Aaron and Audrey know Higgins. I don't know why he's calling Audrey now, but I'm not going to ask. I kind of view Audrey's foster life as an off-limits topic. I won't bring it up until she does."
"Is that really okay?" Dan asked. "It didn't sound like a 'long time no see' kind of phone call. What if someone's dug up some past crime of hers that could get her taken off our court? Maybe Phil was calling to warn her about an investigation."
"Audrey will take care of it," Nicky shrugged.
"That's not comforting," Dan said, but let the subject drop.
Somehow, Nicky and Kevin ended up eating dinner with them. It was the first time since the upperclassmen moved to campus in June that Neil had seen any of Audrey's lot socialize with the rest of the team. Neil attributed it to the twins' absence. She had heard Nicky complain to Aaron about the cousins' isolationist stance, but Aaron hadn't been swayed by Nicky's unhappiness. Now, without Aaron to distract him or Audrey to shepherd him out of the way, Nicky was free to do as he liked, which was apparently this.
They ordered delivery so they wouldn't have to leave again, and Dan put in a movie to avoid another unpleasant conversation. Neil was tempted to not let her, to hear what Nicky would say when all eyes were on him in the silence. The film was over before any of their teammates made it back, though, and that was as far as Nicky cared to press his luck. Neil thought it was silly, since Audrey had apparently already known that Nicky would tell them this, but tonight had just been another example that maybe Audrey's family didn't know her after all.
"Goodnight," he said, after he'd helped clear away the dinner trash.
"We'll see you in the morning," Dan said, raising a hand as the door closed behind him and Kevin. She immediately put her head in her hands. "That was weird."
"Yeah," Matt said, emphatically nodding. "Chances of it happening again?"
"Matt," Dan said, but hesitated. She glanced at Neil, as if talking would scare her off. To be fair to her, it might. Neil wanted to lay in her bed in the dark and think over what this all meant. "What could this mean for our season?"
Because Wymack purposefully recruited troubled individuals, the Foxes had been a fractured mess from day one. They were a team with no concept of teamwork and they determined their hierarchy through force. Still, when summer practices started, ninety percent of conflict on the court began and ended with Seth. Seth was always ready for a fight with Kevin and the cousins. He wouldn't work with them on the court and refused to deal with hardly any of them off it, which forced the Foxes to take sides. Now Neil knew that when he returned, Seth would be a part of this team. Seth thought he owed his continued survival to Neil, and Neil would use that to bend and warp him into whatever shape the Foxes would need him to be. Seth was already the tool they needed, the reason they now had a joined enemy in the Ravens.
Matt's expression was guarded, like he wasn't sure they could have this conversation so soon after all of it, but he still answered, "Don't get your hopes up. They don't care about Seth. They won't rally behind him like the rest of us will."
"But," Dan said, because she and Neil both heard it in Matt's tone.
"But," Matt agreed, and looked at Neil. "We finally have an in."
She looked from one to the other, thoughts not connecting Seth to her because those two didn't know how much Seth was going to change. "I don't understand."
"We saw this once, before, with Kevin," Matt said. "They staked a claim on you. They're going to drag you down their rabbit hole."
Dan put her hands on Neil's shoulders, and fixed her with an intent look. "Don't go so deep you forget about us, okay? Put one foot in their hole and keep the other up here with us. You've got to be the piece that finally brings this team together. We can't make it to championships without them. Promise me you'll try."
"I'm not exactly a uniting force," Neil argued.
"You've obviously got something Audrey wants," Matt said. "Where Audrey goes, they all go. You just have to pull her harder than she pulls you."
They made it sound easy when Neil knew it wasn't. "I'll try."
"Good," Dan said, squeezing her shoulders once before letting go. "That's all we ask. Just always know that we're here for you. Not just me and Matt, but Allison and Renee too. We're your teammates. We're here to help you with whatever you need, whether it's this Audrey thing or games or general stress. We've all got different experiences, but we're used to needing help. We're just not used to getting it. But you've got us now."
Neil didn't know how to respond. She wasn't sure what bothered her more: that she believed Dan meant it, or that she could never take her up on the offer regardless. The Foxes couldn't deal with her demons. The only one Neil quasi-trusted with the truth was Audrey, and that was only because she was desperate enough to lie to herself enough to stay.
She was saved from answering when someone knocked at the door. Neil started to get up, but was beaten by Matt, already sliding off his chair. Neil thought it might be one of the other athletes from their hall who hadn't heard yet and might be looking for Seth, but Renee was waiting in the hallway. Matt stepped out of the way to let her in. Dan swore quietly at Neil's side. Neil heard her tone but missed the word choice, too distracted by Renee's new limp.
"I wish you wouldn't do this," Dan said.
"I know," Renee said simply.
She eased onto the cushion Nicky had abandoned while Matt rummaged in the kitchen. Matt returned with a cold pack. Renee smiled as she took it and pressed it to the knuckles on her right hand. Pain pulled at the corner of her mouth, but her expression was otherwise calm as she flexed her fingers. Neil expected Matt and Dan to smother Renee with alarm and concern, but neither of them asked if she was okay. Dan just said, "Tell me if this is going to be a problem."
Renee shook her head. "Not for us. Whatever this is, it's strictly personal. She'll be on the court tomorrow."
Neil wondered what alternate universe she had suddenly stumbled into. "Audrey hit you."
"A couple times," Renee said. "I forgot how fast she was."
Neil looked from Renee's smile to her rainbow-streaked hair to the cross necklace hanging around her throat. She didn't understand. Renee warned her not to overestimate how good she was, but everyone else said Renee was the gentle soul of the team. She'd been nothing but conciliatory since she first met her. Up until now, the only questionable part of her was her friendship with Audrey.
"Renee and Audrey are sparring partners," Matt said.
It obviously didn't sound as ridiculous as it did to Neil, but aside from asking what a sweet Christain was doing fighting the knife-carrying member of the team, Neil didn't know what to say. She looked to Matt for help, but Matt only grinned at her confusion. She looked at Dan, next, but she was too intent on Renee's hand to notice.
Finally, Renee glanced up and took pity on her. "I am a born-again, Neil. Audrey is not interested in my faith; she is interested in the person I was before. She and I have more in common than you think. That is why I make you uncomfortable, isn't it?"
Dan and Matt sent Neil curious looks at that. Apparently they hadn't noticed how hard Neil worked to avoid getting caught alone with Renee. Neil ignored them, and said, "You make me uncomfortable because you don't make sense. I don't understand you, and I can't estimate your threat."
"You could ask," Renee said.
"Is it really that easy?" Neil asked.
"I'm not proud of my past, but I can't heal if I hide it. When you think you're ready to trust me, let me know. I don't want it to be a problem between us, but I'll never be a danger to you. We can get a cup of coffee and talk about anything you like. Right now, though…" Renee braced her good hand against the arm of the couch and got to her feet. "All I want is a hot shower and my bed. I'm exhausted."
Dan looped her arm through Renee's and looked from Matt to Neil. "You're welcome in our room, if you want to. We have a futon you can use, Neil."
"I'll sleep here, but I've got practice with Kevin tonight, so you should take Matt with you."
Matt blinked. "Are you sure? You had to leave practice earlier."
"Exactly. No one wants to hear how annoying he can be if I miss two. I'll be fine."
Matt hesitated, then kissed Dan goodnight. "I'll wait with him until Kevin comes by. See you in a bit."
He walked them to the door and closed it behind them. In their absence the room felt a thousand times larger, and the silence settled between Matt and Neil like a stone.
"He's late," Matt said in an awkward attempt to break the quiet. "Maybe Audrey's too mad to let him come."
Neil sincerely doubted it, but then again, she hadn't expected her to have a sparring partner. She had just seemed so still, in the car, and then outside Fox Tower. Well, actually, maybe that was it. The preternatural stillness that was only the calm before the storm. A storm wrought on Renee, it seemed. Neil itched to have watched them spar. She needed to know how much of a danger Renee was; she needed to face down against Renee herself.
Neil sat at her desk to wait, digging out her books that she had stowed to make room for Kevin and Nicky. Neil yawned, and Matt piped up from where he had sat on the couch.
"You are gonna be okay, though? Renee wouldn't let us ask why you left practice, but Abby said you'd be fine. Practice won't make whatever it is worse?"
"I'll be fine."
Kevin made short work of knocking after that, and Matt beat her to the door. Matt followed them down the hall to Dan's door. "At some point you're going to have to let him sleep."
"He can sleep when we've won finals," Kevin said.
Audrey was waiting for them in the car, as usual. Despite the ugly way Audrey said she left Kevin at practice, there was no obvious tension between them now. Audrey said nothing the entire way to and into the stadium. Maybe her bout with Renee sucked all the energy out of her, or maybe she didn't care enough to hold a grudge. Neil wasn't sure, but she watched Audrey go up the stairs into the stands to wait on them and wondered all the same.
"Now, Neil," Kevin said from the court door.
Neil pushed all thoughts of Audrey aside and followed Kevin onto the Foxhole court. Her prediction lasted through the night, and immediately came true at Thursday morning's practice. For the first time in Fox history, the team was a united force.
Audrey, Aaron, and Nicky might have personal issues off the court, but they worked well together on it. Matt had an in with the cousin's group, thanks to his talent and whatever agreement they must have come to after Matt's own Eden's trip. Dan led them and kept them moving from her spot as the offensive dealer. Kevin pushed Neil mercilessly on the strikers' line, but Neil fought tooth and nail to keep up. Renee smoothed over all jagged edges whenever they started to show, and Allison had become something entirely new. She was a silent wall as the defensive dealer, constantly moving and fighting for every inch from the strikers.
That same force was clear to everyone, though Neil could see the guilt that wore on Dan and Matt. She didn't care. Seth would be back, and Neil would mold him to whatever she needed him to be, or be done with him. For that reason, Neil wanted to tell them there was no reason to hold back, but their humanity was interesting. She just hoped they got over it before first serve on Friday night.
Their second match of the season was an away game, for which the team was grateful. Seth's absence was noticeable enough at practices; the first home game without him would likely be awkward at best. Neil didn't think Allison was ready for that, yet. She couldn't be sure what was weighing the dealer down, but wouldn't be able to guess until later.
Wymack needed them all at the court by twelve-thirty on Friday so they could get on the road on time. He signed them out of their late morning classes, but it didn't save Neil from her Spanish and math lessons. After calculus, she dropped her bag at the dorm and met her teammates. Dan did a headcount in the hall to make sure they were all present, and then they split up between two cars for the short drive to the stadium.
Since Saturday's trip to Columbia, Neil had been riding to the stadium with the cousins. There was more room in Matt's truck than there was in Audrey's car, passenger seat or not, but Audrey had given Neil an explicit order on Saturday night to stay in Kevin's line of sight and to keep him interested in her potential. Neil could have argued that there was nothing to gain from sitting in front of Kevin in a car, except now Dan and Matt trusted her to somehow bring the team together.
Audrey was the key, they were right, but Neil didn't know how to get the right leverage. She had to figure out what that leverage could even be, so she swallowed her discomfort and did as she was told.
Once they all took their spots in the lounge, Wymack finally came in, and sighed. "Dan and I spent this week figuring out the best way to deal with the striker line. You know I can't get us a sub yet. Kevin's played full halves before, but not since last fall. I don't think you've ever tried," Wymack said and nodded when Neil shook her head. "Neithr one of you can play an entire game in the state you're in now. We'll have to work you up to that one week at a time.
"In the meantime, we're mixing things up to stay afloat." Wymack glanced at Dan and Renee, who hadn't yet gotten off Allison's chair to join Matt on the couch. Neil didn't know how much comfort they could give her by taking her armrests, but that wasn't up to her. "Our solution isn't pretty, but it's the best we can come up with on such short notice, so pay attention. The starting line-up for tonight's first half goes as follows: Audrey, Matt, Nicky, Allison, Kevin, Neil. First half subs: Aaron for Nicky, Dan for Kevin, Renee for Allison."
There was a moment of silence, and Neil smothered her growing smile with her palm.
"Wait," Nicky shot Renee a startled look. "What?"
Wymack held up a hand to cut Nicky off. "Second half line-up: Aaron, Nicky, Allison, Kevin, Dan. Matt's on for Nicky, Neil's on for Dan, and Renee's on for Allison again. Tell me you got that because I'm not repeating it."
"Is that a joke, Coach?" Nicky asked. "Renee's a goalkeeper."
"Dan's the only one who can fill in for the striker line," Renee said, "And Allison is going to be touch and go for a while, but she can play defensive dealer if we need that. Coach and I talked about it on Tuesday, so I've had some time to modify our extra gear. I know I haven't played defense since middle school, but I'll give it my best shot."
Neil's teeth bit into the meat of her hand as she failed to force her smile away.
"If you're going to play dealer," Nicky said, "Does that mean you're making Audrey play a full game?"
Wymack looked at Audrey. Audrey looked right back, then quirked her shoulder. "Same conditions as last year."
Wymack nodded. "Abby picked up the bottle yesterday and put it in the first aid kit. It's yours as soon as you walk off the court. All you have to do is play, and how you play is up to you."
Audrey jerked her thumb at Kevin. "They won't be ready in a week. How long do you think you can keep this up?"
"As long as you can. Can you hold the line, or can't you?"
"Two bottles a night and we'll find out."
Wymack nodded. "Anyone else have questions?"
Nicky was persistent. "Coach, this line-up is insane."
"Yep. Good luck." Wymack clapped his hands at them to drown out any other arguments. "Let's move. Get your gear and get out of my locker room. Matt, you're helping me with the stick rack. I'm starting the bus in ten minutes. If you're not on it, you're not coming with us. Go, go, go."
They split up to the changing rooms to find their gear. Their travel duffels were waiting for them on the benches by their lockers. Neil picked hers up and turned it over in her hands, admiring the bright orange embroidery. Her name and number were on one side, and a fox paw was on the other. It smelled new.
She had just put the last number in her locker's combination when metal banged further down. Audrey was slamming her fist on Kevin's locker, likely to get him to shut up. She noticed Neil's attention, but they were both distracted by Nicky.
"Can you actually play a full game?"
"Probably," Audrey shrugged. "If not, that's not my problem."
"You've done it before," Matt said, apparently not concerned that Audrey was in the men's locker room.
"Yeah, last October. That's not now." Nicky looked up to meet Neil's curious stare. "We found out the ERC was going to cut us from the Class I ranks if we didn't stop losing. Coach asked Audrey for a miracle, and Audrey gave us one. She made Coach come up with a number between one and five, and that's how many points she let the other team get before she shut them out. She played both halves and everything, and the entire game they didn't score again. It was probably the most badass thing I've ever seen."
If his words were supposed to make Kevin feel better about their chances tonight, they achieved the exact opposite. Kevin's face was a thundercloud.
"So you'll try," Kevin said through gritted teeth, "because Coach asked you to."
Audrey folded her arms over her chest. "Careful, your jealous streak is showing."
"For eight months you've told me no. In eight seconds, you told him yes. Why?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said, backing out of the locker room. "How often do you listen when I say no?"
Kevin snarled, and when she was gone, Neil was immediately grateful for the time she was there to keep Kevin quiet. No amount of Nicky arguing could get Kevin to calm down for a moment after that.
Neil couldn't see why Kevin kept failing so miserably when it came to Audrey. Maybe it was because she viewed Neil as a threat, but Audrey had only been honest to Neil, no matter how she was acting at the time. Why Kevin was pushing for the clearly impossible, when Audrey had made it abundantly clear that she didn't care about Exy, Neil didn't know. She was glad when Kevin finally stalked out.
Matt also let out a relieved sigh, then smiled at Neil. "Well, tonight is going to be awesome."
"I think you mean to say awful," Neil said, zipping her bag shut.
Matt gave her a grim smile and closed his locker. He passed Neil on the way to the door and clapped a hand on Neil's shoulder. "Just try not to think about it until we get there. You won't do yourself any favors if you spend the ride stressing out about things you can't change."
Neil nodded. "I'll help Coach with the racquets. I want to ask him something."
"You sure?" Matt asked. "Then here, I'll get your duffel out to the bus. It's awkward dealing with both."
Neil handed the heavy bag over and got the door. Matt turned left and headed for the exit, and Neil went right to the foyer. Wymack had the gear closet open and had already rolled out the trolley the racquets hung on. The protective lids were open so Wymack could check their heads. Neil knew the sticks were in good shape, since maintenance was one of the last things the Foxes did before leaving practices everyday, but Wymack was testing string tensions down the line anyway.
Wymack glanced up at Neil's approach, but didn't ask why Neil was in Matt's place. Neil said nothing at first, but reached out and hooked her fingers through the head of her own racquet. She was bringing both tonight, just in case. They were sturdily built to put power behind their throws and withstand all the stick-checking on the court, but even the strongest racquet would break with enough abuse. Neil didn't want to be seven hours from home with nothing to play with.
"Watch your fingers," Wymack said.
Neil moved so he could snap the lids shut. Plastic latches clicked in rapid succession. He rattled the rack a little to make sure none of them popped open, then gestured for Neil to take the front handle. Neil did as she was told, but didn't move yet. She was stalling, mentally digging for the words for her question. Wymack let her, waiting her out.
"I didn't think Audrey had a price tag," Neil finally said. "She doesn't seem like the kind of person who can be bought."
"She isn't," Wymack said. "If I asked her to do it for free, she would. The only reason she's getting something out of this is because I know what it'll cost to play a whole game."
"But why?" Neil asked. "Why are you so special?"
Wymack arched an eyebrow at her. "I'm not."
"I don't understand."
"Maybe you've noticed how much I let this team get away with. I know what sort of people I've recruited, and I know some of them need a little help to keep an even keel. So long as no one gets hurt, no one gets caught, and no one's stupid enough to bring it onto my court, I don't care what you guys get up to in your free time. It's not my business because I don't want it to be my business."
Wymack meant the cracker dust, party drugs, and alcohol Audrey gave her group in Columbia. Neil wasn't sure what surprised her more: that Wyack knew what his defense line was into or that he let it happen. Wymack's inaction wasn't approval, but a man in his position probably shouldn't condone such things, even implicitly. Someone else might think Wymack was being irresponsible. Maybe he was, but Neil knew it wasn't that simple.
"Does Audrey know you know?" Neil asked.
"Of course she does."
That was interesting. Audrey knew Wymack could keep a tighter leash on her and didn't, so when Wymack needed her to pull through, she would. Neil thought about it, and asked, "Is it respect or prudence?"
"We'll go with the latter," Wymack shrugged. "Audrey likes me about as much as you do."
There was nothing in his tone to make it an accusation, but Neil still winced. "I'm sorry."
"Be sorry while you walk, we're running late."
They loaded everything onto the bus after locking up. Everyone was waiting on the bus, Abby in the front row, with Dan and Matt doubled up behind her. Allison and Renee were together in the third row, which left four empty rows between them and Audrey's group. Unlike their teammates, Audrey's group sat one to a row. Audrey had the very last row, with Kevivn right in front of her. Nicky and Aaron were up a row, leaving an empty row in between Kevin, and Neil didn't have to ask why as she trekked back there. Leather creaked as she sat, and Nicky turned as if to speak to her, but decided better. Neil gratefully looked out the window.
The bus rumbled to life and the doors snapped shut. A few minutes later, they were on the road and Neil watched until campus disappeared from view.
The ride to Belmonte University was relatively uneventful. Neil brought her schoolwork to pass the time, but didn't have enough homework for a six hour drive. Renee joined them at one point to talk about possible plays and ask for advice. Neil wasn't sure who she was aiming her questions to, but thought that no one deserved the length of answer Kevin gave. The rest of the defense line eventually pitched in, and then Renee went back to the front.
Abby drove most of the way so Wymack could sleep. They were driving back after the game instead of checking into a hotel for the night. They could have just hired a driver like most schools did, but Wymack was almost as leery of outsiders as his Foxes were. It was apparently better to be uncomfortable but safe than to trust a stranger with his fractured team.
Belmonte's locker room was disorienting. Larger, to accommodate the league's bigger teams, but if felt smaller and backwards somehow. The changing rooms were right inside the door they came in, with a separate bathroom. Neil guessed it was cheaper to have one unisex bathroom than install toilets in both changing room. There was a room Abby could use for injury, and the last and largest was for the Foxes to argue strategies between halves, and meet the press after the game.
After ignoring her shaking hands while putting on her own armor, she decided she was going to push every thought out of her head and just survive the game. While standing on the court, doing warmups, she finally found Kevin.
"Any advice?" Neil asked.
She didn't think she would get an answer, from how white-lipped the striker was, but she should have known from Renee's experience on the bus. Kevin glanced over at her, evaluating.
"You're in for all of first half, so you have to pace yourself. I don't want you to score in the first twenty minutes unless the goal's right there in front of you. Pass, don't shoot. Keep the ball moving. When Dan comes on for me, go as hard as you can until the break.
"You'll have halftime and the first twenty minutes of second half to rest. Get your wind back, get on the court, and give me everything you have. If I think you're holding back just because you're tired, I will throw you off the court myself. I want you dead on your feet when the final buzzer sounds."
"Okay," Neil said. She nodded, but was distracted by a flash of orange in her peripheral vision.
Neil looked over as the Vixens filed into the stadium in a flood of orange skirts and pom-poms. Oddly, there was a spike of something in her chest that had her staring at the swaying ponytails. There were lewd calls and whistles that the girls ignored in favor of checking each other's skirts and hair. Because they were moving around so much, it was easy for Neil to see the one girl who was holding still. She turned her pompom over in her hands as she stared at the Foxes.
Jealousy. That's what it was. Such an easy display for them, and something Neil could only dream of having. The length that her hair was now was the longest it had been since she was a child, her mother never letting it get long enough to have her mistaken as a girl while on the run. The show of femininity in the simple sway of a long ponytail was effortless. Neil thought just barely of changing in the locker room with her binding bra from Abby being mistaken as some form of tanktop by the other men on the team. She wondered what a real bra would even feel like, under her hands and shirt. She could smooth over her flat chest obsessively, but it would never be as soothing as she needed it to be.
No, she couldn't ask a cheerleader to the banquet.
"Hi, Katelyn!" Nicky yelled with an enthusiastic wave. Aaron elbowed him for that, but Katelyn smiled brightly, and waved back. Nicky gave Neil a wolfish grin as Neil stopped beside him, and Neil immediately ducked her head so Nicky couldn't get a better view of her flushed cheeks. "Look at you now, Mr. Doesn't Swing. That's Katelyn, Aaron's girlfriend."
"She is not," Aaron said. "Knock it off."
"She would be if you'd just ask her out," Matt said. "What's the hold up?"
"Oh," Audrey said, slapping her fist into her palm as if the answer had just occurred to her. She flashed Matt a glare but answered in German. "She might die on him like the last woman he loved."
"Christ, Audrey," Nicky complained.
"I'm going to guess that was completely inappropriate," Matt said, looking between the cousins. "Do I want to know?"
"Do you think we want to tell you?" Audrey asked in English.
"Stow that," Wymack said. "Last I checked this was a team meeting, not a gossip circle. We're on the court for warmups in ten. Dan's going to start you off with some laps. If any of you so much as look at the Terrapins on your way past their benches, I'll let you walk home from here. Good? Then get going."
Once Neil was on the court, everything that she had been trying and failing to silence went quiet. This was where she needed to be. Warmups flew by until she was going back, and reentering the court.
Starting striker.
The announcer read their names, but Neil barely heard it. She was starting striker.
The game started rough, and didn't get easier. Neil tried to follow Kevin's advice, but it was frustrating to hold herself in check. How Dan and Allison could stand being dealers and playing middleman all the time was beyond her. Neil liked outrunning and outsmarting the defense. She liked the rush of a perfect score, and the pressure, and the triumph. The rest of her life was a frightening mess; Neil needed the power and control of a fierce game.
The only bright point was realizing her lessons with Kevin were paying off. Since June, Neil had spent four nights a week learning precision drills from Kevin. Passing wasn't what Neil wanted to do in this game, but spending the first half not scoring required it of her, and she was pleased to find that she excelled at it. Her shots were harder and more accurate, and it took her far less time to figure out where to throw.
Just like they wanted, the other team attributed Neil to not scoring to incompetence. There were too many snide remarks about her inexperience and spinelessness, but Neil took them to mean that their plan was working, and thought of how much more annoying Kevin would be than they were if she scored. The Terrapins were leading three to one until Kevin scored at the twenty-three minute mark. Wymack used the possession to send out his substitutions. Neil wasn't between Kevin and the door, but Kevin detoured past her on his way out.
"Destroy him," he said.
Neil felt like she had been waiting for this all her life.
Kevin, Allison, and Aaron filed off the court to let their teammates on. Nicky and Dan came first, and jogged to their places. Renee gave Allison a hug at the door before taking her place on the court. She looked strange and small without her usual goalkeeper armor on. Neil hoped she knew what she was doing. The terrapins also rotated, but none of the backliners changed, because their defense obviously wasn't expecting much.
Neil grinned, and this time didn't try to peel it off her face. This time, she threw everything she had into the game. It was easier said than done, but they fought all the way to halftime, teeth and claws bared.
When the clock ran out, they'd pushed the score to four-even. Wymack ushered his team off the court to the chaos of a riled crowd. Kevin had nothing to say to them, but Aaron went straight to Matt and Nicky to check on them. It was a gesture that caught Neil off guard. Allison was nowhere in sight, but neither was Abby, so Neil guessed they'd stepped away from the noise together. Neil hoped Allison had it together enough for the next half.
Wymack pointed them towards the locker room, but stayed behind an extra minute to smile at cameras and secure the stick rack. Neil had her gloves and helmet off as soon as she reached the tunnel. She yanked her neck guard off next, needing a little extra room to breathe when she couldn't get it through her binder. She could barely feel her legs. She couldn't feel her feet, but assumed they were down there somewhere. The shoulder she had hurt in the first half was still throbbing thanks to the well-aimed blows of his new backliner mark.
Neil, remembering her mother's old words, went to lay on the ground and prop her legs up on the wall above her. She hoped it would also stop the uncomfortable warmth of her period too, for at least a few minutes. To her surprise, Matt joined her and grinned, which had Dan joining them.
"Hey, so we're actually doing much better than I thought we would." Nicky said, grinning down at the three of them.
Wymack chose that moment to walk in, already scowling at Nicky's words. "This is horrible. This kind of game isn't going to work for us, and today is the last time I'll tolerate it. You have got to start creating point gaps in the first half. You need that cushion when it's your second wind against their fresh line-up."
"He's right," Dan said, but Neil thought her laying on the floor took away some of her usual authority. "We need to push harder earlier. We hold back because we're trying to pace ourselves for a long night, but playing catch-up is a killer. We need to play smarter and balance this out somehow."
Wyack nodded and looked across the room. "Audrey?"
"Present," Audrey said,
Wymack interpreted that unhelpful response however he wanted to and snapped his fingers at his team. "Come on. Stretch it out. Abby?"
"Coming," Abby said from out of sight, and showed up carrying two jugs. One had water and one had Gatorade. She poured some of each for the Foxes and made the rounds to pass them out. She came to Neil and his two last, then made him stand so she could feel the line of her shoulder armor through the jersey. "How are you doing?"
Neil drained both cups before answering. "I'm fine."
Nicky fist-pumped in triumph. "Thank you for being so predictable, Neil. You just scored me ten bucks with two words."
Matt looked up. "Are you serious? Who the hell bet against you?"
Nicky jerked a thumb at Kevin. "There's a sucker born every minute."
Kevin looked furious, but that anger was directed at Neil. "You are an idiot. You see this?" He brandished his left hand at Neil. Neil couldn't see his scars from across the room, but knew what Kevin meant. "Injuries are not a joke. They are not something to gloss over. If you get hurt out there, you do something about it. You take it easy, you have Coach pull you, you ask Abby for help– I don't care. If you ever say that you're fine about your health again, I will make you rue the day you were born. Are we clear?"
Neil opened her mouth, thought better of arguing, then turned away. Abby offered her another cup of water that she gulped down instead of responding.
"I did warn you," Dan said, unsympathetic. "I think Kevin's threats are more effective, though."
Neil flicked the remaining drops of water at Dan, who shrieked and pretended her skin sizzled. Abby eyed Neil. "I'll ask again, then. Are you okay?"
"I'm just sore. So long as I can keep my mark off my right side, I'll be–okay."
Matt laughed at the near-miss. "I don't see this experiment ending well, Neil."
"Some people are just hardwired to be stupid," Wymack said. "Now stop yapping and listen up. We have a lot to get through."
Wymack started with the backliners and worked his way forward, pointing out missed opportunities and highlighting their scattered successes. He had a list of the second half's starting line-up, so he spent the second half of the break going over their opponents. Matt and Dan got up off the floor, and the Foxes didn't stop moving and stretching the entire time. Abby collected empty cups, tossed them in the trash, and handed out refills. Neil drank so fast she barely tasted any of it. She was starting to get her second wind back, but was only glad to sit out part of the next half. She wanted to be fully recharged before she joined Kevin on the court.
A buzzer sounded overhead. They were due in the inner court in one minute, and Allion was still missing. Abby nodded at the look Wymack sent her and went in search of the missing dealer.
"Let's get ready to move," Wymack said.
He shooed the team into line, and grabbed his clipboard. Neil looked down the hall to where Abby stood outside the bathroom door. She motioned at Womack to go ahead, so Wymack opened the door and led the Foxes back into the stadium. Neil, once she noticed that Audrey hadn't moved, went over to the bench she sat on.
"Stop it," Neil said. She didn't mean to say it. She didn't even realize she'd spoken until Audrey turned flat eyes onto her.
"I'm not doing anything."
"Exactly," Neil said. She wanted to say more, but it was a senseless argument. She didn't have the right words for that gnawing feeling in her stomach and it was her fault for being so naive and for letting Kevin work her up like this. It was all about words for Audrey and Neil had none of the right ones in her current mood. The idea of Neil not knowing how functional she was after getting hurt was beyond ridiculous. Kevin had gotten his hand broken once. Neil had suffered a lifetime of pain. She gave a frustrated shake of her head and let it drop, though she could feel Audrey's eyes on her as the goalie made her way all the way back to the goal.
Neil wouldn't need her gloves or helmet for a while, so she set them on the bench and helped Nicky situate the stick rack. By the time she straightened, Allison was already on her way out. She was dressed to go and came straight for her racquet. Neil tried scooting out of her way without being too obvious about it, and if she noticed, she didn't comment. The look on her face said she'd narrowed all of her attention to the task at hand.
The Foxes tumbled into the next half with as much animosity as they had for the first half. Neil was pleased to see it. She had warned Riko on the talk show, and Dan thought the team had a better chance now. Neil watched her teammates sign that they were both right, and had pulled a grim feeling over herself by the time it was her turn on the court, half satisfaction and half determination. All of her Foxes were feeling it too, because by the deafening final buzzer, they had won. Matt's triumphant yell cut through it all, and Neil could only stare up at the numbers.
Kevin strode towards the goal first, after that impossible save, and the rest of the team fell in around him. Shattered wood had split beneath the pressure of the final save, giving the entire team a view of the awful crack all the way down to the handle. Neil winced at the sight and checked the floor for an indent.
Matt smacked shoulders and helmets in excitement and bared his teeth in a jaw-breaking grin, the expression matched on Dan's face. Even Kevin had a sort of satisfaction about him, proven by the fact that he hadn't opened his mouth yet.
Audrey let go of her racquet and got to her feet. After a single nod to where Wymack stood, she made her way off the court, with the rest of the team celebrating behind her.
Nicky whooped, pumping his fist all the way back. "That was awesome! We are going to own this season!"
"That was sloppy," Kevin said, and Neil wanted to laugh at how predictable he was, but didn't think she had the energy for it. "We barely had it."
"Oh, shut up, sour face," Nicky said. "Save your grouching for the ride back, and stop spoiling our moment of glory."
"Seriously." Matt gave his helmet a vigorous rub. "Would it kill you to smile when no one's paying you to?"
Allison joined them, already clean and changed out for the ride back. Her wet hair was pulled out of her face in a tight ponytail. Neil saw how red her eyes were and looked away, but she wrapped an iron hand around Neil's upper arm.
"I need to talk to you."
Neil swallowed, and nodded.
Wymack pulled her attention back, when he clapped at them. Neil had never seen him smile like that, small but fierce, and as angry as it was proud. "That's more like it. Draw straws and figure out who's helping me fend off the press. The rest of you get your stinky asses to the showers. We'll talk shop on the bus."
"Renee and I will handle it," Dan said as they headed to the locker room. "Neil, you can use the girls' shower while we're busy."
Neil stared at her. "What?"
Dan frowned at her, so Matt explained. "There aren't any stalls here."
Neil had noticed, but she hadn't thought her teammates would. That they had, and that they were doing something about it, knocked the wind out of her. She tried to answer, but didn't know what to say. The best she managed was, "is that really okay?"
"Kid, you're killing me," Nicky said. "Why do you always get that deer-in-headlights look when someone does something nice for you?"
"It's really okay," Dan promised. Neil tried to thank her, but she waved it off. "Nope. None of that. You don't have very long until Audrey decides she's done with her whiskey in Abby's office, so you'd better hurry. Just don't steal all the hot water."
She, Renee, and Wymack plopped down on benches in the front room to wait on the press while the others went to clean up. Neil grabbed her bag from the men's changing room and took it across the hall. The women's shower room was a little more private. It didn't have doors, but it did have stall walls. Neil kept her back to the door and took a quick shower. She scrubbed dry so fast and hard she left her skin red in places, but she didn't want Audrey to see her so vulnerable, and she didn't want Dan and Renee to have to wait any longer for her. It was quick work of lining a fresh pad and yanking her shorts up to tie the drawstring.
Maybe it was because she was still jealous of the cheerleaders, but for only a moment, she let the girls' bathroom feel like the balm it was. For the moment that her chest was unbound and without tape, she let herself relax and take one deep breath.
Audrey came in as Neil was pulling on her shoes, holding her whiskey bottle that was far from full, and made a shooing gesture at the now-dressed Neil. "Out."
Animated voices from the end of the hall said the press was still around. Neil crept down the hall to look in, less to see what was going on, and more so Dan or Renee would see her and know she was out of their way. Wymack was nowhere in sight, so Neil guessed the coach had already given his piece. Renee glanced her way when she spotted movement in the doorway, nodding and smiling in acknowledgement.
Neil retreated before anyone else spotted him. There weren't a lot of places to hide from the press, but the door to the nurse's office was open an inch. Neil gave it a cautious push and looked inside. Wymack was sitting on the pristine bed with a pack of cigarettes in his hand. Neil took Wymack's nod to be an invitation and slipped inside. She was turning to close the door behind herself when she spotted Allison, braced against the wall with her arms folded.
"Abby went ahead to the bus," Wymack said. "You can join them or wait here for everyone else."
"Why did you pay for stalls?"
Wymack lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Maybe I knew you'd need them one day."
"Forever the pathetic tragedy, our Neil," Allison said. "So sad and so mysterious.'
Wymack huffed before making for the door. "I don't get paid enough for this. Be on the bus before we leave, and neither of you better be bleeding when I see you again."
Allison waited, still wearing that same blank face until Coach left, then she turned on Neil. "You're the reason they tried to kill Seth."
"Yes," Neil said, not moving. Allison had half a foot on her, and had the muscle mass of a college athlete that Neil was still working on.
"You also warned us," Allison said, sounding as if she was chewing on the words before spitting them out because of their flavor. "Seth said you saw the threat for what it was. You were the reason I had Narcan in my purse."
Neil didn't have anything to say to that.
"It's your fault," she said. "Audrey confirmed it, and Seth was certain. He said you only agreed when you talked in the hospital. I've been where you are before, right on the edge. You need to make sure it was all worth it."
"I'm trying."
Allison shook her head. "No, you can't just try. Ysou'll fucking do it. Make sure it means something that he's gone now, and that he was hurt because of you, you slimy asshole, and then we'll talk. He's not even mad at you, not even a little. He's worried about you, but this is all your fault. This is all your fault, and we all know it. Everyone else might be a bleeding heart for you and your sob story and your parents who hit you, but I don't give a damn. You and your almighty Kevin Day did this."
Neil nodded.
"For now, you can start repaying me by being my date to the banquet, since I am fresh out of one."
She blinked. "What?"
Allison rolled her eyes. "We'll go shopping, my treat. Looking nice next to me is the least you could do."
She slammed the door on her way out, leaving Neil with only a gust of perfume and her confusion. But, at least she had her footing a little more under herself. She knew where she and Allison stood, now. Maybe not all the way, but when she got on the bus, Allison didn't just brush her off; they nodded at each other, and Neil took the spot she had sat in on the way there.
Neil quickly became Kevin's victim, his tactless criticism necessary but an unpleasant counterpoint to the rest of the Foxes' excited recap. As she listened to all of them, though, Neil realized she was happy. It was such an unexpected and unfamiliar feeling she lost track of the conversation for a minute. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this included or safe. It was nice, but dangerous. Someone with a past like hers, whose very survival depended on secrecy and lies, couldn't afford to let her guard down.
Still.
She had never felt this before. As Nicky laughed and leaned closer to talk about one of Neil's goals, Neil thought maybe she would be okay for just a night.
Chapter Text
Neil had a quarter of a million dollars and directions to another half hidden in her dormitory room. She and her mother had hit the road with far more than that, but years on the run had whittled away at their stash. What was left was considered a small fortune by most and a dismal future by Neil. It'd be tricky getting a job where she couldn't give employers her social security number, and every time she moved, she needed a new name, a new face, and a new place to live. Costs added up fast.
Because Neil could guess at just how much money she would need in May if she ever got the chance to move on, she didn't want to make any unnecessary purchases until then. She needed to hold on tight to what was left. Her teammates had other ideas, however, which is how Neil wound up shopping for clothes on Tuesday with Allison.
She had mostly agreed to it after their game on Friday, and willing to get the wrench out of the team dynamics, she let herself be pushed into Allison's pink convertible. The drive was silent, and when they got to the mall, Allison kept that going. She simply dragged Neil around the store and held things up to her body to evaluate. There was a shop attendant that had come up to them, but after Allison had very shortly told them they would need a dressing room prepared, Neil hadn't seen them again. She wished she could do the same.
Allison finally delivered Neil and an armful of clothes into the dressing room, with a firm finger pointed at her. "You will try these all on, and I want to see every option. No bitching."
Neil saw this was the fastest way to get out of the horrible scrutiny, and did exactly as Allison said. Her theory proved correct, because it was only twenty minutes later when Allison had Neil by the arm, leading her out of the store. They had left the clothes there, and apparently Allison would swing by when they were done taking them in before the banquet, or whatever had to happen. Neil wasn't altogether sure, but the only things she had to carry in the bag were a pair of shoes and the tie Allison had picked out for her.
Lunch in the food court was silent, which Neil found she minded less. It wasn't like Allison was bad company, she was just trying to be. She was failing, because as Neil was dragged around the rest of the mall, she found she didn't mind the silence at all. Neil, whether it was because Allison thought she was a man, or because Allison was being petty, had to hold the bags from every store. They picked out a book for Renee, and Allison grabbed a few books that apparently Neil had been 'eye-fucking', whatever that meant, as well as several outfits for Neil after that. She tried fighting it, but Allison only threatened more clothes and that had her shutting her mouth. It seemed the woman had a sixth sense for measurements, once having learned them, because she didn't make Neil try anything else on, just purchasing as she went. The only thing that kept Neil's mouth shut after a while was the amount of athletic clothes that balanced everything else out. Whereas before she had felt defensive about her money, and insisted on paying for things before this just to prove that she did have money, Neil felt none of that now. Allison saw it correctly as the punishment that it was, and was obviously taking pleasure in inflicting it on Neil, so Neil had no complaints about Allison wasting her money if that's what she wanted to do.
Neil had thought the sparkling new phone Allison grabbed was for herself. They sat together at a restaurant a few miles from campus, she spent most of their meal comparing contacts and typing them into the new phone. The phones were seemingly identical, right down to the pink color, so Neil didn't bother finding a reason for Allison getting a new one but figured there must be one. When she had apparently finished typing away at it, though, she slid it in Neil's direction.
"This is yours," Allison said, which was the first thing she'd said to Neil since she had told her to stop eye-fucking the books. "I hope you like the color."
Neil stared down at the thing. It was so different from her last burner phone, but the thing flashed in her vision anyway. She didn't think a thing should hurt so much, but the grief that punched through her left her in pieces. The roaring in her ears sounded like the ocean. For a moment, she was back there on the beach, watching fire eat through the car. She remembered how it smelled, the salt of the water, and the sick stench of burning flesh. She could still feel the sand on her fingers, warm up top where the sun shone and cold deeper where she had left her mother's bones.
She'd saved their phones for last. Every time they moved they got new phones, prepaid burners they could ditch at the first hint of trouble. She wanted to keep Mary's. She wanted something real to hold onto in her absence. Even then she had known better. She threw them into the waves before leaving the beach. She'd never seen a point; Neil had no one else in the world left to call.
"Neil." Allison tapped a short nail on the screen's phone to get her attention. "You are going to take this phone with you, and every morning, you are going to text me. I don't care what you say, I don't care if it's a death threat, but you are going to use this phone if it kills us both."
Neil thought it just might.
She swallowed hard and tried to remember how to breathe, but couldn't quite manage it. She closed her fingers around the phone so she wouldn't have to look at it, and held it out toward Allison. "I can't."
She snorted, flicking Neil's knuckles. "I don't care. Whatever hangup you have, I couldn't care less, actually. You're going to take this phone, and you're going to be grateful. Coach and Dan and everyone else try to complain about not being able to get a hold of you? Well, this is the solution. Keep it on you and keep it charged, and text me every morning. That's it. You don't have to do anything else with it."
"I can't. Allison–"
"Nope. Whatever sad little story you're going to tell me about your various cellphone related traumas, I don't want to hear it. You don't have to put your parents' number in there. Not your parents, not any creepy uncles, and not anyone from before you came here. They won't know, and it's not like you call anyone anyway. Matt told me. Shut up and take it. I already put all the Foxes' numbers in. If the texts will be a problem, turn it on silent. I don't care, but I don't want to hear anymore complaining from you, or from Coach about it. Now put your head between your knees and breathe through this panic attack before you throw up your fajitas."
When Neil didn't react fast enough, she caught the leg of Neil's chair between her high heel and shoved it away from the table. She put a flat palm on the back of Neil's head and pushed until Neil had her head between her legs. A few minutes later, Neil finally came back enough to sit up and eat the rest of her lunch. It didn't taste like anything; the taste of blood, and of the ocean overwhelmed her for the rest of the day.
By night practice, she had brushed her teeth three times and had chewed gum incessantly. Nothing helped.
She came out of the bathroom in half her gear for Kevin's night practice, and found Kevin had already left the locker room. The scattered clothes on the bench showed that he'd been kicked out before he was ready, made clear because Audrey was straddling the bench, waiting for Neil. In front of her was Neil's glittering pink phone.
"Doesn't seem like you."
Neil swallowed back her nausea. She had left it behind at the dorm. Neil had washed and then put all the new clothes Allison had gotten her away in her dresser, finally using more than the bottom two drawers, but the phone had remained staunchly in its bag jammed under the dresser.
"You went through my things," Neil said, "Again."
"Allison texted everyone that you had one, but when I bothered to get your number and to call you, you didn't pick up. Imagine my surprise."
"Why do you even care?"
"Because if she wasn't going to get you one, then I was. No one needs a phone this year more than you."
Audrey took her own phone out of her pocket and set it beside Neil's. Hers was a simple black flip phone that she flipped open to press a few buttons before a generic ringtone filled the silent locker room, bouncing around until it was uncomfortably loud.
Neil crossed the room and sat facing Audrey on the bench. She scooped Audrey's phone up, and crushed the reject button with her thumb. "You're not funny."
"Neither are you. You put a noose around your neck and handed the loose end to Riko. I distinctly remember saying I would watch your back. Give me one good reason why you'd make that difficult for me."
"I survived for eight years because no one could find me," Neil said.
"That's not why."
Neil ground her teeth. "Are we doing the honesty thing again?"
"Do we need to?" Audrey asked, taking her phone back from Neil. "I thought this was you being petty, and more insecurity about your lack of money. Is it not?"
Neil parroted her words from last week. "Is that your question?"
Audrey looked at her for a moment too long, then nodded. Neil swallowed, trying to find her voice. She turned her new phone in circles on the bench, unwilling and unable to pick it up.
"Most parents give their children phones so they can keep track of them throughout the day. I had one because of the people my father worked with. My parents wanted to know they could reach me if the worst should happen. When I ran away, I kept the phone. I saw my parents die, but I kept thinking that maybe I was wrong. Maybe one day they'd call and say it was an act. They'd say I could come home and things would be fine. But the only time it rang, it was that man demanding I bring back his money. I haven't had a phone since. I should not have one now. Who am I supposed to call?"
"Allison, Coach, the suicide hotline, I don't care."
"I'm remembering why I don't like you."
"I'm surprised you forgot in the first place."
Neil pushed the phone Audrey's way. "There has to be a better way."
"You could occasionally grow a spine," Audrey shrugged. "I know it's a difficult concept for someone whose kneejerk reaction is to run away at the first sign of trouble, but try it sometime. You might actually like it."
"What I might actually like is to put this phone through your skull."
"See, that's more interesting."
"I'm not here for your entertainment."
"But you're talented enough to multitask. You are going to keep your deal to me, and I will keep yours as long as you keep this phone charged and on you. Do you understand?"
Neil didn't say anything, so Audrey glanced down, tugging her phone towards her. There was a silence, then the distant hum of Audrey's phone dialing out. Between them, Neil's phone started to buzz. Neil stared at it, letting it ring.
"Your phone is ringing," Audrey said. "You should answer it."
Neil picked it up with numb fingers and opened it. She spared only a second to look at the name, which was displayed as Monster on the screen before she answered, and put it to her ear.
"Your parents are dead," Audrey said. "You are not fine, and nothing is going to be okay. This is not news to you, but from now until May you are still Neil Josten, and I am still the woman who said I would keep you alive. I don't care if you use this phone tomorrow. I don't care if you never use it again, but you are going to keep it on you, because one day you might need it." She put a finger to the underside of Neil's chin, forcing Neil's head up until they were looking at each other. "On that day, you're not going to run. You're going to think about what I promised you, and you're going to make the call. Tell me you understand."
Neil's voice was long gone, but she managed a nod.
Audrey let go, and snapped her phone shut. Neil powered hers down. After looking down at it for another endless minute, she leaned over and put it into her bag. Audrey watched with hooded eyes until she sat upright. Neil didn't want to look at her until her expression was back under control, but she couldn't help it. Audrey considered her a minute longer, then sighed and straightened out of Neil's space.
"If you're done having issues, take your turn. Kevin is probably fuming waiting on you."
Neil meant to ask about Kevin, to get more information on what sort of relationship they had, but the phones reminded her of another problem. She could bother Kevin for a better explanation of his deal with Audrey. Neil just shook her head, though. She wasn't in the right headspace to know what she wanted to ask for certain.
"I'll save my turn for later."
When Audrey left, the door was immediately pushed open by an annoyed Kevin. Night practice was the same, though. They finished, and a half-asleep Audrey took them back to the dorm.
Neil changed for bed in the bathroom, pushed her discarded clothes aside with a foot and sat on the side of the tub. The overhead light glinted off the surface of her phone where it was nestled in her palm.
It felt like an eternity before she could open it. She slowly scrolled through the menu and wasn't entirely surprised to see each of the nine Foxes with their own pseudonym that was easy enough to guess at, as well as one for Wymack, Abby, and Betsy. The only two speeddials, though she could have three, were put in as Allison and Betsy. Allison must have thought she was funny, but Neil had no intention of speaking to the psychiatrist again outside of their shared lunches.
She stared a bit more, then eventually pulled on her new pajamas. The tank top was a risk, with it being white, but her new roll of sports tape was nude, and the shorts were comfortable. Still, she tugged on a hoodie as soon as she made it into the bedroom. Sleep shorts. She ran fingers over them when she was tucked into her bed, marveling at how soft the fabric was. They were a type of luxury, not only because of the quality, but because Mary would have deemed them too impractical. If they were running somewhere, Neil didn't need her legs out. It would be both dangerous and cold.
Her phone went off the next morning and startled five years off her life expectancy. Neil was packing her things to leave her Spanish class when she heard the distinctive buzz. She dropped her textbook immediately and dug her phone out of the depths of her bag, mind going a million miles an hour on everything that could be wrong.
A message was blinking from her inbox. Allison had texted, if her guess of the contact name Bae ;) was correct, and Neil's heart slowed a bit. Allison wouldn't be the bearer of bad news. She opened the message anyway and found a "y have u not txtd me" before a second "i dont have all day" buzzed in. Neil waited to see if anything else came, and finally sent off her own "text" off. Nothing else came in.
The next time her phone went off, it was from a contact named O Cptn My Cptn that Neil immediately went in and changed to Dan. "al said u have a phone y/y" had her blinking down at it, and sent back a single yes. She hoped it was enough. Seconds later, Dan was back with "bout time, thot u'd nvr get 1". Neil considered asking her how she was doing in her English classes, but took the higher road of silence.
By the time Neil made it to the athletes' dining hall for lunch, she had twenty messages. Most of them were from Nicky, eloquently named Dickluvr, idle comments about nothing. Neil read them but didn't respond unless he was asking a direct question. Two were from someone named Seth's Scrt Crsh that Neil would've assumed to be Allison, but since Allison had no need to text her about how Allison sabotaged the bet by getting such a new model, leaving Seth's Scrt Crsh to be Matt.
Neil didn't know what to make of it. The Foxes spent seven hours together at practices every day and roomed with each other at Fox Tower. How they had anything left to say to each other was beyond her. She wanted to turn the messaging off somehow or tell them this wasn't why she had a phone. Phones were for emergencies, not running commentary on a boring lecture. Neil refrained, because she knew she was in the wrong this time, but she still jumped every time the thing hummed.
The others were undeterred by her silence. Nicky peppered her throughout the day and through most of Thursday. Finally, Neil's patience wore thin enough to say something. She sat on the bench outside the library and painstakingly typed out the message: "What happens when you use up all your messages and then need them?"
Nicky's response was almost immediate. "???" followed by a more useful "my plan has unlimited txts we can't use them up but ill ask allison abt urs hng on" and then a "man i try tho :)" that had her rolling her eyes until he finally said "allison says ur unlimited too!!!!!!" which promptly had Neil clicking back to the contacts and blocking Nicky.
Neil's tutoring session was in the library. Since the Japanese program there was so small, there weren't many tutors available, so Neil made her way up to the third floor of the library to meet one of the few students that had taken the class last year. The other student wasn't particularly helpful, but she liked some of the clarification on pronunciation that she couldn't get out of a book. When she was done, she packed up her things and turned around to go.
Someone was waving at her. Neil blinked, and moved closer to see through a mostly empty bookshelf. Sure enough, she was being vigorously waved at, to the point that Neil might even call it being flagged down. Neil made her way, however hesitantly, to look up at the other girl. It was Katelyn, the same cheerleader she had stared so intently at at the last game. Maybe this was retribution, but hopefully she hadn't noticed.
"Hey!" Katelyn said, holding out her hand. Neil didn't shake it, so she quickly dropped it. "I'm Katelyn. You're Neil, right? A bunch of my friends said you were staring pretty hard at me at the last game."
Ah. Well.
"Mostly Nicky, actually. But Nicky says you're one of Aaron's friends now? Apparently once you make it into the weird little Minyard group, they never let you go, bless their hearts. Or, at least, Audrey has not let Kevin go at all."
Neil wrinkled her nose. "No. I'm not any of their friends, and Aaron doesn't like me."
"Oh," Katelyn said, but she didn't dim her… shininess. "Aaron's an asshole. Don't mind him at all. Anyway, I just wanted to say I think you're super cool. Your progress has been super admirable, and there's a clear difference in your playing week to week so far that has been really inspiring to watch. You're amazing. Also, were you just with Owen? Are you two friends?"
"No," Neil said, pulling away. "He's my Japanese tutor."
"Oh!" If anything, this ramped up her general shine. "I'm in the class above him! He's a junior, but he's retaking 3050, but I tested out of that when I first got here. My mom is fluent, so she's been helping me but I'm pretty good on my own."
Katelyn blinked her big eyes at Neil, who blinked right back. Was there supposed to be something to say to that?
"Anyway, we'll both be on the bus on Saturday, and I would bet I'm better at Japanese than Owen if you want to study with me? I'm sure I could use a refresher on hiragana, I'm so bogged down with the grammatical structures. My mom must have lost her mind because she thought it would be a good idea for me to learn Kangi for whatever reason, so I am not the greatest at any of the written stuff. Only if you want to, of course."
Neil certainly did not want to, but she recognized the asset that Katelyn could be. Learning a language was so much slower when there was no full immersion, and when Neil's life wasn't on the line if she didn't learn it. Not yet, at least.
"Okay, thanks," Neil said, pulling away.
"Oh, my god, great! That saves me one awkward bus ride, I literally will owe you so bad. Hey, what color are you wearing to the banquet? I gave Aaron that list of single cheerleaders to give to you, but everyone says you didn't ask anyone. Are you going alone?"
"No," Neil said slowly, "Allison Reynolds will be my date."
And suddenly, Katelyn was blushing. Neil didn't know why. A quick rewind of the conversation granted no answers, and neither did Katelyn's, "Okay, well, I'll be excited to see what you both turn up in, which, speaking of, I'm glad we can change when we get there. Such a long drive, but I guess now I have you, so I have to remember it won't be so bad, anyway. Apparently your Coach isn't too bad at driving the bus, Aaron says, so that's good. I trust Aaron not to crash my car when he drives, but not Audrey." Katelyn waited for half a beat, and when Neil said nothing, she waved her hand with her smile seemingly ever-present. "Coach Beam is, god, I swear we're going to die every time we get in the cheer bus, but that's a different matter. I wish he would just hire a driver, but I think he has a crush on your coach, or at least feels like, small-dicked around him or whatever, bless his heart, because now he's dead set on driving us everywhere. Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to talk this long. You probably have to go. Okay, I'll shut up. Goodbye."
Katelyn tugged on the back of Neil's shirt until Neil, extremely confused, was turned completely around, and then Katelyn pushed Neil away. Neil, never having been given such a friendly yet direct send off, left the library with her head spinning.
She had twenty more messages by the time they boarded the bus late Friday afternoon. They were up against USC-Columbia tonight. Columbia was the only other Class I Exy team in the state, so the two schools had a rowdy rivalry. The odds were good, even though the Foxes were playing with the same batshit lineup they used last week.
Nicky wanted to drive to Columbia separately so they could go out to Eden's Twilight afterward, but Wymack put his foot down. He knew what sorts of things they got up to at the club and didn't want to risk it this close to the banquet. If any of the officials at the banquet pushed for a drug test on any of the Foxes, and judging from last year they might, the Foxes would be disqualified. Wymack didn't want anything showing up in the results for any of his team. Audrey didn't fight Wymack's decision, but Nicky was more than a little grumpy about it.
Nicky turned in his seat to talk to Neil over his seatback. Halfway through his rant about a current class project, her phone hummed. It was Allison, requesting a text for the day. Looking down, Neil received a tap on the forehead.
"What?" She said, immediately irritated.
"See?" Nicky said, sounding pleased. "That's how a normal human being looks when they check their phone."
Neil stared at him. "Is that why you've been messaging me nonstop?"
"Mostly," Nicky said, shamelessly. "Audrey said you were freaked out about the whole thing. Well, she didn't, but I think that's what she was hinting at, and Allison was telling Dan you were practically allergic to it. You should unblock me, though. I promise I'll be less annoying."
"Can't you be not annoying at all?"
"Nope!" Nicky said, popping the P. "If I hadn't bothered you this week, would you have even touched your phone?"
"I have it for emergencies," Neil said, "so no."
"Do you honestly think you'd have used it if you had an emergency? No, really. You didn't see your face the first day you had it. Every text I sent you didn't end in disinterest or shock, it was like, mental meltdown the likes of which I haven't seen in years. I don't know why, but I know it would never actually occur to you to call us if something went wrong."
Neil knew he was right, but she said, "You don't know that."
"Couldn't risk it. We didn't want to find out the hard way just how screwed your mental wiring is. Anyway, you're welcome, because I just saved you at least two hundred dollars in intensive therapy."
She didn't think Nicky wearing down her hard-earned guard was something to be grateful for, but she obediently said, "Thank you."
"You ever say that like it's not a question?" Nicky asked, looking pained. "Oh, well. I'll take my victories where I can. Focus on the battles first, then win the war, right? I don't know how the quote actually goes, but you know what I mean. So where was I?"
It unfortunately didn't take him long to remember. He chattered away a mile a minute about his upcoming presentation. Neil let it go in one ear and out the other. She fervently hoped Katelyn wouldn't be as bad. Her mind was more on the phone sitting in her hands than the put-upon tone of Nicky's voice though. When Nicky finally turned away to harass Aaron about something, Neil turned her phone on. She went past her packed inbox to her call history. It hadn't changed; Audrey's name was still the only one there.
It didn't make sense.
Kevin claimed he had something Audrey wanted. Neil didn't know what it was, but it had to be something big, if Audrey was willing to defy the Ravens and work around all Neil's problems. Neil made a mental note to talk to Kevin about it this weekend, but they had to survive the fall banquet first.
Thoughts of seeing Riko tomorrow were enough to sour her mood. Neil buried the phone in the bottom of the bag and tried to think of nothing at all.
A lottery in July chose Blackwell University as host for the fall banquet. It was a relatively lucky draw for the Foxes since they were only four hours away, but none of them were feeling particularly good about it when they boarded the bus Saturday. They pulled onto the interstate with thirteen people on board: the Fox team, the two-man staff, and Aaron and Nicky's dates.
Nicky had brought some guy from his improv class, and Aaron had apparently worked up the nerve to ask Katelyn after all, to no one's surprise but his own, apparently. Neil didn't think much of it, until she saw all the money changing hands between her teammates. Apparently Katelyn was the center of two bets between the Foxes: whether or not Aaron would ask her, and how Audrey would respond. The latter was what interested Neil more. Audrey was silent in the back, and didn't spare a single acknowledgement for Katelyn, acting like she wasn't even there. Katelyn did, however, wave at Neil, who grudgingly waved back, and ignored Aaron's suddenly furious glare on her.
The banquet was supposed to be a two day event to justify the costs and travel time for the further teams, but the Foxes took a unanimous vote to leave Saturday night. Six hours spent socializing with teams who'd repeatedly and loudly mocked them in the news was more than enough. According to Dan, few athletes were crude enough to start trouble at an ERC-sanctioned event, but Neil wasn't reassured. She wasn't worried about thirteen rowdy teams; she was worried about one awful man.
Neil tried keeping her cool, and was mostly successful. Allison hadn't let Neil pass her to the back of the bus like she had wanted to, forcing her to sit with her date. Neil refused to tell Allison that she was grateful for the gesture, once she heard how loud Nicky and his date were being.
Halfway through the drive, as Neil had warned Allison she would, Katelyn made a shy appearance. Allison watched on, mostly bored, as they went over Neil's Japanese homework together. Neil became extremely aware of Aaron's glare on the back of her head, but brushed it off to work.
"The two of them are cute," Allison shrugged, when Dan asked her why they were interesting to stare at. That, again, had Katelyn blushing so hard Neil vaguely worried for the health of her freckles.
Kevin started losing his cool the first time they passed a sign pointing the way to Blackwell. Neil eventually heard his short, ragged breaths over Katelyn's soft corrections as he valiantly tried and failed to fight off a panic attack. It did nothing for her nerves, so she prodded Katelyn to explain more.
She knew it wasn't just Riko that he was afraid of. In twenty minutes, he'd be facing his entire former team. The Ravens' coach, Tetsuji Moriyama, took Kevin in after his mother died, and raised him to be a star, but never let Kevin forget he was just Riko's valuable property. Neil didn't know much else about him. The one time Kevin mentioned him, he'd slipped and called him 'the master.' She didn't want or need to hear anything else after that.
Blackwell was slow to appear in the distance, but it didn't take long to spot the two stadiums. The football and Exy stadiums were on different sides of the campus, like massive bookends. She could hear Audrey talking to Kevin, but couldn't make out the words before Allison was snapping her sparkling purple nails in front of her face.
"Are you even listening to me?"
"No," Neil said. "What?"
"I was telling you both that Katelyn should probably head back to Aaron before Audrey gets too worked up about her boyfriend."
Katelyn shook her head, but stood all the same. "Kevin isn't Audrey's boyfriend. But thanks for studying with me, Neil!"
"Thanks for distracting Neil," Allison said as Neil nodded to her. "I did not want to talk about Exy the entire way, so you were invaluable."
They weren't the first to arrive, but a quick count of the buses said they weren't the last, either. Neil's stare inevitably went to the three black buses in the middle of the parking lot. The only hint of color on any of them was a splash of dark red around the silhouette of a raven. Wymack parked as far away from those buses as possible.
Wymack took the key from the ignition, grabbed Abby's travel bag, and started down the aisle toward the back of the bus. "Off the bus," he said, and the upperclassmen and Neil obediently filed off as he passed, with Audrey's group after that.
Wymack pulled a bottle of vodka out of the bag, and put it down beside Kevin. He was saying something, but Neil was quickly distracted by the money changing hands between Allison and Matt. Allison flashed Neil her freshly earned ten, and said "We saw Wymack pack that bottle, and I said it was going to be for Kevin, but Matt said Audrey. Lo and behold."
"Why would it be for Audrey?" Neil asked.
Allison shrugged, and Matt heaved a put-upon sigh. "I thought it would be a reward for good behavior. Apparently we aren't even aiming for that."
"Try nipping it in the bud, apparently," Dan huffed.
Abby had the storage doors of the bus open so they could get their change of clothes out. Neil grabbed both hers and Allison's, trying not to crush wrinkles into either with her fingers. Once Audrey and Kevin had grabbed their things, the nurse locked the rest of the bus's doors.
By the time they were inside and dressed, the alcohol had gotten a good hold on Kevin's system. He looked much steadier as he followed Audrey out of the dressing room when she came to fetch him. Judging by the nervous looks Nicky kept sending Kevin, Nicky wasn't convinced that the calm would last. Neil had equally little faith in Kevin's spine, but hoped Audrey would be enough.
One of the gear closets in the main room had a printed PALMETTO STATE sign taped to the door that they locked their personal belongings into, and Wymack pocketed the key. After the coach did a quick headcount, he sent Kevin a measured look. He said nothing, but looked at Audrey. Audrey must have made a face that Neil couldn't see, because Wymack then turned to Neil.
"You. Attempt to behave this time. Don't pick fights with him today."
"Yes, Coach."
Wymack looked reasonably skeptical, but didn't argue. "Let's go, then."
The Blackwell stadium was eerily quiet as Neil made her way in, with Allison clutching to her arm more for show than anything. Neil was already much shorter than she was, but Neil knew that Allison was as sturdy as she was in her massive purple stilettos as she was in court shoes. Everyone who'd arrived already was on the court. Thick cushioned mats covered the polished floor to keep table legs and chairs from scraping up the wood. All the lights were on, but the overhead scoreboard was dark. Neil thought she heard music, but she wasn't sure until she made it to the inner court.
Fourteen teams meant there were about two hundred and fifty athletes present, then another ninety or so bodies in dates and staff. Neil had never seen so many people on an Exy court before. There was still plenty of room to walk around between tables, but Neil hated seeing a court repurposed at all, let alone like this.
Wymack opened the court door and shooed his Foxes on. A small group of coaches were waiting right inside the door. One picked up a megaphone and announced their arrival. Conversations faltered around the court and chairs creaked as athletes turned to look. Wymack looked at Dan, jerked his chin in a silent command to keep moving, and peeled off to play nice with his colleagues, Abby at his side after one last pensive look at Kevin.
There was a seating arrangement on the court. Chairs had paper banners draped over the backs with school colors and mascots. Finding a short line of orange chairs didn't take a lot of looking, but spotting the Ravens was easier. The two teams were unsurprisingly seated across from each other at the same table.
"Motherfucker," Dan said, low but with enough heat that Neil had no trouble picking up on it. She had to give her props, though, since Dan didn't even slow on her way over to the table.
"Maybe this will be fun after all," Audrey said, with a hard pull to Kevin's arm. "Let's not keep them waiting."
All the blood had left Kevin's face, but he followed close behind Audrey.
Judging by Neil's quick headcount, the Ravens hadn't brought dates. They hadn't brought any color along, either. All twenty-two of them were dressed head to toe in black. The twenty men wore the same shirts and slacks, and the two women wore identical dresses. They even sat the exact same way, all with their right elbows on the table, all of them with their chins in their hands. Another team might look foolish going so far, but somehow the Ravens looked imposing.
"Riko," Dan said, pulling out the chair directly opposite him. "Dan Wilds."
Riko offered her his hand in the most condescending handshake Neil had ever seen. He kept his arm straight and his wrist loose, like a lord expecting a subject's kiss on his knuckles. Neil hoped Dan would ignore it, and pushed down a smile when she did, pretending to busy herself with adjusting her dress on the chair.
"I know who you are," Riko said, lowering his hand as if it had never happened. "Who here doesn't? You're the woman who captains a Class I team. You've done admittedly well, despite your disadvantages."
"What disadvantages?"
"Do you really want me to start listing them?" Riko asked. "This is only a two-day event, Hennessey."
Neil didn't understand, but Matt did, judging by his, "Careful, Riko."
Dan touched Matt's arm to calm him down, and nodded for him to take his seat as well. The upperclassmen sat to one side of her, with Allison and Neil tucked between Renee and Matt. Audrey's group stretched out to her right in the same order they had been on in the bus. Neil was closer to Riko than she wanted to be, with Matt stopping her from being right next to Dan. Having bodies between them, though, and Matt of all people, was a little comforting.
Unfortunately, Riko wasn't the only problem. The man to Riko's right stood up as soon as the Foxes were settled and walked behind the Ravens until he was across from Neil. Two fingers to the woman's shoulder got her out of her chair and she moved to the newly emptied seat. The stranger sat across from Neil. As he did, the Ravens fell out of their frozen poses, but they did so only to lean back as one in their chairs. The only one still sitting straight was Riko, and Neil's new companion, who leaned forward to consider Neil.
Neil didn't recognize him, but she didn't need to ask. The black three tattooed on his left cheekbone meant he could be no one but Jean Moreau. He was the Ravens' starting backliner and supposedly an old friend of Kevin's. There was nothing friendly on his face tonight.
"You look familiar," Jean said in heavily accented English.
"If you watched Kathy's show you saw me there," Neil said.
"Ah you are right. That must be it. What was your name again? Alex? Stephanie? Chris?"
For a moment, Neil thought she had fallen over. She felt the world lurch out from under her, and take her stomach with it. A second or minute or an eternity later, she realized she hadn't moved at all. She wasn't even breathing.
"No need to misgender," Renee said, in that ever-sweet tone.
Neil could hardly hear her. In eight years on the run, Neil had been through sixteen countries and twenty-two names. Hearing one name from Jean wouldn't mean anything. Hearing three was no coincidence. It was a threat. Audrey had warned her that Riko would unearth her trail, no matter how well she and her mother buried it. Neil feared that eventuality, but she hadn't wanted to believe it. It sometimes took her father years to catch up with them. It was impossible to think Riko succeeded in just weeks.
Coaxing air back into her lungs was the hardest thing Neil had ever done. It was a miracle her breath sounded so steady when her throat was closing up entirely.
"It's Neil."
"Hmm?" Jean tilted his head to one side, as if that would help him see Neil better. "You don't look much like a Neil."
"Blame my mother," Neil said. "She named me."
"How is she doing, by the way?" Riko asked.
Neil looked into Riko's dark eyes and felt like she was dying. She might have answered, but Dan beat her to it, with an annoyed, "Don't antagonize my team, Riko. This isn't the place for it."
"I was being polite," Riko said. "You haven't seen me antagonistic yet."
Jean looked down the row at Kevin. "Hello, Kevin."
"Jean," Kevin said quietly.
Jean's smile was lazy, but the look in his gray eyes was ashen ice. Neither of them said anything else to each other, but they stared each other down, unblinking. Audrey lost interest before long, and broke the staredown by leaning between them so Kevin's view of Jean was broken. Jean huffed a little in annoyance, but looked at Audrey. She held out her hand, reaching over the table, and Jean was foolish enough to take it. Audrey's knuckles went white as she crushed Jean's hand. Not even Jean could hide all of a flinch, and the smooth look on his face gave way to an irritated scowl. Audrey's mouth twitched at the sight of it.
"Jean Valjean. We haven't met yet."
"For which I am grateful," Jean said. "The Foxes as a whole are an embarrassment to Class I Exy, but your very existence is unforgivable. A goalkeeper who doesn't care if she is scored on has no right to touch a racquet. You should have stayed on the sidelines like the publicity stunt you are, Doe."
"That's a bit out of line, don't you think?" Renee asked.
The woman now on Riko's right gave a loud snort. "If someone like that replaced you in goal, you must be downright terrible. I can't wait to watch one of your matches. I think it will be entertaining. We would make a drinking game out of it, but we don't want to die of alcohol poisoning."
"Yeah," Dan said with a pout, "that'd be a shame."
"This is the first time our teams have met," Renee said, sounding completely unruffled. "Do we have to start off so poorly?"
"Why not?" The woman said. "You're poor at everything else you do. Is it honestly fun to be so terrible?"
"I imagine we have more fun than you do, yes."
Neil could hear the smile in her voice. She didn't know how she could keep up such a nice tone. Her fear was an icy ball in the pit of her stomach, but listening to the Ravens' derision was eating a hole through it. Keeping her mouth shut and staying out of the conversation was taking more willpower than she thought she had, the longer sitting in silence, the harder it became. Allison, next to her in matching purple, seemed to be struggling just as hard. They shared a brief glance, and Neil pursed her lips. She fleetingly wished she had inherited her mother's patience, instead of her father's temper.
"Fun is for children," Jean said, looking away from Audrey.
If he'd been going to say anything else, he forgot when he got a good look at Renee. Audrey let go of Jean's hand while he was distracted, but it took Jean another moment to withdraw it. Riko barely moved, but Neil was so attuned to his presence that she didn't miss it. Neither did Jean, judging by how fast he found his tongue again.
"At this level, it is supposed to be about skill, and your team is sadly lacking. You have no right to play with us."
"Then you shouldn't have transferred districts," Matt said. "No one wanted you here."
"You took something that doesn't belong to you," a Raven said. "You brought this year's humiliation on yourselves."
"We didn't take anything," Dan said. "Kevin wants to be here."
The Raven across from Renee laughed. "Don't tell me you really believe that. Kevin went to you because someone had to teach you what Exy is supposed to look like on a court. If he had stayed on as an assistant coach, maybe he would learn to stomach your failures. Now that he's playing with you, there's no way he will last the season. We know Kevin better than you ever will. We know how much your incompetence must grate on him."
"So do we," Aaron said. "It's not like he's shy with his opinion."
Kevin finally found his voice. "They know how I feel, but words alone don't fix anything. A team that needs this much work requires a larger commitment than that."
Neil rolled her eyes.
"You won't stay," Jean said. It sounded less like a prediction and more like an order. "You should reconsider our offer before we rescind it for good, Kevin. Face the facts. Your pet is and always will be dead weight. It's time to–"
"What?" Audrey pointed a finger at Jean with the same weight of one of her knives. "Can't come up with any better insults than one about my gender? Another bitch joke? How original. I know English isn't your first language so it probably felt smart to you. You can have one more try."
Jean flicked her an annoyed look. "Don't interrupt me, Doe."
The sound Nicky made at the other side of the table was sharp and offended, but Audrey finally smiled, a chilling thing. "Oh, sure, points for trying, but save your breath. Here's a tip for you: you can't cut someone down if they're already in the gutter. You just waste your time, and mine."
"Enough," Dan said, snapping her fingers. "Break it up. This is a district event, and we have twenty officials on hand. We're here to get to know each other, not to start fights. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. That goes for both teams."
"Is that why your new child is being so quiet?" Riko gestured at Neil. "Nothing 'nice' to say?"
"Leave him alone," Matt said.
"She was very spirited the last time we met." Riko said. "Perhaps that was just a show for the crowd? Hello, I am speaking to you. Are you really going to ignore me?"
Allison dug her nails into Neil's thigh under the table, a silent and desperate reminder to keep her mouth shut. Neil left half-moon marks on the back of Allison's hand with fingernails and counted to ten.
"Why?" Allison said. "Your ego can't handle it? Can't handle Neil not saying the lines he was supposed to when you practiced your little comments in the mirror before coming?"
Riko's eyes flicked to Allison, and Neil watched as he made the obvious choice to ignore her. She restarted counting.
Neil made it to four before Riko opened his mouth again.
"What a coward," he said, with exaggerated disappointment. "Just like her mother."
Neil stopped counting.
"You know, I get it," Neil said. "Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you're worth a damn off the court– yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time."
"Neil," Kevin said, low and frantic, but he was hardly audible over Allison's surprised laugh.
Neil ignored both of them. "I know it's not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you're physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don't think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone."
Raven symmetry shattered as their jaws dropped up and down the line, staring at Neil in stupefied disbelief. Riko's expression could've frozen hell, but Neil was too angry to be afraid. She would have her nervous breakdown later. Right now she leaned forward and looked around Matt at Dan, who sat with her face buried in her hands.
"Dan, I said please. I tried to be nice."
"Mat," Dan said, almost choking on his name. "Matt, Coach. Get Coach. Oh, my god, go get Coach."
Matt left as fast as he could.
"You can't say things like that," Jean said.
Neil wouldn't have looked at him, except Jean sounded more horrified than angry. "He asked me to join the conversation. I was happy sitting here saying nothing, and we've spoken before. I don't know what he wanted."
Jean turned on Kevin and spoke in quick, furious accented French. "What the hell is this?"
"His antagonism is a personality flaw we're learning to live with," Kevin said.
"Live with," Jean echoed, like the very idea offended him. "No! You should have dealt with her two weeks ago when she first stepped out of line. We trusted you to discipline her. Why doesn't she know her place yet?"
"Neil has no place in Riko's games. He is a Fox."
"He is not a Fox!"
"Funny," Neil finally said in French. Jean wasn't expecting her to understand them, obviously, and shot Neil a look that she couldn't interpret. "I'm pretty sure the contract I signed said Palmetto State University."
"A contract does not change facts," Jean said, quickly regaining his wits. "Did you forget who bought you?"
"Bought me," Neil repeated. "Nobody bought me."
Kevin frowned, lost. "Jean, what are you talking about?"
Jean looked like he'd swallowed a stone. "You don't know." It was supposed to be an accusation, but it fell far too flat. Jean shot an incredulous look between them. "How can you not know? Why else would you have recruited him, Kevin?"
"He has potential."
Jean's laughter sounded downright hysterical. "God save you both, you useless fools. No one else can. How either of you have lived this long when you're so miserably stupid is beyond my capacity to understand."
Wymack's voice nearly started Neil out of her skin. "What the hell is going on over here?"
Neil looked up to see the coach right behind her. Matt went behind his chair, but didn't sit down again. Jean ignored Wymack, but turned in his chair and said something in a flurry of Japanese. Whatever it was wiped the icy look off Riko's face at last. He sent an intent look between Neil and Kevin before answering. Jean gestured helplessly. Kevin looked from one to the other before saying something in cautious Japanese. Neil didn't understand any of it.
Wymack interrupted before Kevin could finish, and motioned to his Foxes. "On your feet. Abby is talking to the event coordinators about finding us a new table."
Neil didn't need to be told twice, but she didn't get far. Jean turned back on her before Neil had finished pushing in her chair, and beckoned for her to listen. His French was almost too fast for Neil to follow, but Neil understood more than she wanted to.
"Riko will have a few minutes of your time later. I suggest you speak with him if you do not want everyone to know you are the Butcher's daughter."
Hearing her father's name aloud was a kick in the chest. The noise Kevin made at her side was worse. Neil reacted without thinking, clapping a hand to Kevin's chest and shoving him as far back from the table as she could. Kevin stumbled back so fast he almost fell. Neil didn't look back at him, but she couldn't tune out his hoarse denial.
"That's not true."
"Shut up," Neil said, but she didn't know which one of them she was speaking to. "Don't say anything else."
"Run along," Jean said. "It's what you're best at, isn't it?"
Wymack stayed behind to deal with Edgar Allan and the Foxes cleared out of there like their lives depended on it. They attracted a lot of curious stares as they crossed the room to Abby, but the Foxes were too busy watching Kevin and Neil to return any of it. Abby and Blackwell's coach walked them to their new table. They had switched seats with the coaches. It put the Foxes on the outskirts of the event, but Neil doubted any of them really minded. With the Foxes' reputation, Neil dimly wondered why they didn't place them there to begin with.
They settled in the same order they'd been in at the last table, but Kevin sat sideways to stare at Neil. He seized Neil's chin in an iron grip and turned Neil's face toward him. Neil wanted to fight it, but there wasn't a point anymore. She watched Kevin, waiting for recognition to sink in. On its heels was sick fear. Neil clenched her hands together under the table where no one could see her fingers shake.
Kevin opened his mouth, but Neil didn't want to hear it. She didn't know what Kevin was going to say, and more importantly, she didn't know what language it would be in. Neil spoke first, in quiet and strained French.
"No, Kevin. Not here. You and I will talk tomorrow."
Kevin hesitated. "Does Audrey know?"
"Only pieces. She doesn't know my name."
"Does she know who you are?"
"I said no." Neil wrenched Kevin's hand off her face. "We're not doing this here."
Kevin stared at her a few seconds longer, then got out of his chair almost fast enough to take the whole table with him. Abby was at his side in a heartbeat, expression pinched with worry. Kevin couldn't seem to manage words, but he gestured for her to follow, and started for the door. Abby took a step after him, then hesitated, torn.
"Go, Abby," Audrey shooed her with one of her signature finger flicks. "Bring him back when he's drunk."
Abby's eyes slid to Neil, who nodded. She had used all her words on Kevin. Abby took that however she did, hurrying after Kevin, but eyes across the court on the Ravens' table. Neil saw her wave and followed the gesture to Wymack. The coach was heading the Foxes' way, his face a thundercloud. Neil clenched her fingers tighter and willed them to stillness.
"Neil," Dan said, taking Kevin's seat between Neil and Audrey. "Are you okay?"
"Does he look okay to you?" Allison asked.
Dan shot Allison a look. Audrey wasn't impressed by either of them, leaning around their captain to get a good look at Neil. Neil looked at her, because she didn't trust herself to face anyone else just yet. She didn't have any words back yet, so Audrey spoke enough for both of them with a simple, "I told you so."
"Sit normal, Minyard," Wymack snapped, coming up behind Dan's new chair. Audrey gave an exaggerated sigh and let her chair fall back to the ground. Wymack turned on Neil next. "Did you or did you not tell me you weren't going to start a fight?"
Nicky spoke up on Audrey's other side. "In Neil's defense–"
"I didn't ask you," Wymack interrupted. "Neil, talk to me."
In her head, Neil was already counting her steps to freedom. Their new seating arrangement made them the closest table to the court door. She would just have to cross the inner court and get through the locker room. The fence around the stadium was ringed with barbed wire to prevent vandalism and theft, but she could leave the way they'd come in. It was a toss-up as to whether or not the guards would stop her. A young man in nice clothes running breakneck speed away from a public event was suspicious.
If she had an excuse to get out of here, like following Kevin to the vodka on the bus, she could conserve her energy until she passed the guards. From there, she just had to find a taxi, because hitchhiking wasn't going to be fast enough this time. She needed to get back to Palmetto State and get her binder out of the safe. She needed her money, and her numbers. Maybe it was finally time to call–
Neil's escape route ground to a sickening halt in her head. She pried her fingers apart and pressed one hand to her pocket. She could feel the hard lines of her phone through the cotton.
"Neil, if you can't be here, say so," Wymack said. "Abby can take you elsewhere until it's time to leave. Get out of here and get some fresh air."
It was the perfect opening, but Neil couldn't take it. If she did, she would be gone by the end of the night, and would have a new identity by the end of the week. Running wasn't easy, but it was easier than trusting Audrey.
Neil remembered the weight of a key in her palm, its metal soaked with another person's body heat. She remembered Audrey's promise to see this year through with her.
"No," Neil managed through her closed throat. "I'm staying."
"Neil–" Allison said, her voice worried in a way she hadn't heard before.
Audrey snapped her fingers. "He's staying. The runaway rabbit won't perform his one trick tonight."
"What can I do?" Wymack asked.
Neil looked up. The tired look on his face said Neil's surprise was a little too blatant. For a split second, Neil felt guilty, though she wasn't entirely sure why. She crushed it as fast as she could. She had too much else to worry about right now, and was feeling too much already to deal with a strange thing like guilt, especially when she was already out of words.
Neil only shrugged, then shook her head. That was enough for the coach, because he sighed. "When you know, you tell me."
Neil nodded.
The arrival of another team helped distract them. Kevin returned a while later, looking worlds better with an ungodly amount of vodka in his system. When all fourteen teams were accounted for, Blackwell's coach gave a short speech about the season. Food came out, but it all tasted like ash to Neil.
Thirteen of the coaches had taken the Foxes' original seats with the Ravens, Foxes stuck socializing with the other half. It was easier than Neil expected it to be, but that might have come through the form of Allison who was a godsend and left Neil not speaking a word for the rest of the night. Aside from her, Dan and Kevin carried conversations, Dan with her infectious enthusiasm, and Kevin with his drunken good nature that only kept up when he was ignoring Neil entirely.
After dinner, a crew cleared the court. The tables were collapsed, chairs stacked and the middle of the court cleared out for room to set up a couple icebreakers. Neil twitched as she watched them erect a temporary volleyball net where only Exy should be played. No one else had a problem with it, though, so Neil wondered if she was just too worn out.
"Go forth," Wymack told his Foxes. "Have fun, or don't. I don't care. Just no more fighting, you get me?"
Most of the Foxes didn't need to be told twice, but this was Neil's thrice, so she only nodded. Dan and Matt hurried to find a volleyball team. Aaron and Nicky tugged their dates towards the dance floor, and Renee took up a stance beside Audrey. That left Renee with Audrey and Kevin, and Allison leaning close to Neil.
"You miss that one and need to hear it again?" Wymack asked the lot of them.
Audrey gave the coach a flat look. "Give us a minute to catch our breath before our hearts explode in our chests from how much fun we're having."
"You have thirty seconds."
"You know," Allison said, "if we go hang out in a corner and look like we're making out, no one will bother us."
That statement was enough to have Kevin trying to set off to get away from them. Audrey spared only a glance at Neil. "Either make out in a corner where I can see you, or stick with us."
It didn't matter either way, though, because the Ravens were coming. The entire team was crossing the court toward Kevin, walking in a V formation that looked like a flock of birds migrating south for the winter. Neil, ridiculously, fought off a mad little giggle.
"Audrey," Neil managed.
"Let's get this over with quickly so we can leave. Kevin."
Kevin moved up on Audrey's side, so Neil took up her other side, hands in her pockets to hide her white-knuckled fists. Riko stopped further away than Neil thought he would, but Neil understood a moment later. The rest of the Ravens kept going, flipping their V until the five Foxes were trapped between them. Neil looked at the faces down the line and waited for someone to make a move.
It came from the least expected place. Renee stepped forward, looping an arm through Kevin's and holding her free hand out to Jean. "Jean, was it? I'm Renee Walker. We didn't really get a chance to talk earlier."
Confusion eased Jean's stoic mask into something more than a little uncomfortable, but he accepted her handshake. "Jean Moreau."
"Neil Josten," someone said. Neil trusted Kevin to Renee, and turned to face the man who had spoken. Two men and a woman stood in a tight clump to her lift. The man offered a sneer instead of a hand. "We are the Raven's starting strikers. We wanted you to see us so you know what an offense line really looks like."
"Offense, or offensive?" Matt sidled up alongside Neil. Matt's arrival wasn't a coincidence, though, because Dan slipped in beside him. "Matt Boyd, starting backliner for the Foxes. I'm the one who's going to be wrecking your goals this October. Nice to meet you." He offered his hand, and when no one accepted, he tucked it into a pocket. "Looks like the displeasure is all mine."
"We're sure it is," the Raven striker said, "seeing how you're dating a prostitute."
"Stripper," Dan corrected. Her stilettos hung off her fingers by their thin straps and she jiggled them as she spoke. "Hopefully you're smart enough to distinguish between the two professions. If you're not, I have some serious concerns about your academic standings."
Neil tried not to stare at her. She would have dismissed the Raven's insult as an outright lie if not for her easy response. Too late, she remembered her telling her that she had worked an overnight job during high school to make ends meet. She had assumed she was a night stocker at a grocery store, or maybe a front desk clerk somewhere. Dan didn't seem like the type of person who would tolerate being objectified. Neil felt some of her worry sap away under new curiosity.
"Hennessey, right?" one of the other strikers said. "Such a good name for a fierce spirit."
"We were a little disappointed you didn't sign up as part of the entertainment tonight," another said. "We were looking forward to the show."
The once-over he gave her set Neil's skin crawling, and it wasn't even directed at her. Neil only had time to note Dan's fingers digging into Matt's hip in warning before she was sliding away. The striker leered, grinning at Matt, then tilted forward to suck in a deep breath against her neck.
Dan brought her stiletto point up between his legs in a vicious hit. The Raven recoiled with an inhuman yelp, red immediately blossoming on the front of his pants. The teammates to either side of him grimaced and cringed away, quick to avert their eyes from their half-crumpled colleague.
"Yeah, Hennessey," Dan said, sounding much calmer than Neil would be in her shoes. Neil was only one wrong step away from breaking out into shivers. "Treats you right if you're willing to pay, and will fuck you over the morning after if you're night nice enough to her. Hope you feel that one for a while, you lowlife asshole."
She didn't wait for a response, but turned back and folded herself against Matt's side again. Neil didn't know if Dan's tight grip was an apology for leaving Matt out of it or gratitude for the same thing. Either way her embrace did nothing to ease the rigid set of Matt's shoulders.
Neil cleared her throat, and mumbled a quiet, "What happened to being polite, Dan?"
Dan laughed, the noise having the same effect as a sip of alcohol while Neil's skin was being stitched back together. "Do as I say, not as I do, rookie."
"Kevin Day," a booming voice said, and all Ravens turned to look. Neil followed their stares to the man now standing at the apex of their triangle. The chill that shivered down her spine made all the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.
Coach Tetsuji Moriyama was unarguably the most powerful man in Exy– as he should be as one of two founders. He was a legend, and a demon: Riko's abusive uncle and the younger brother of the Moriyama yakuza boss.
"Master," Kevin said, voice catching in fear. "It's been a while."
Moriyama motioned to the Ravens, and they at last broke formation. They filled in the gaps between Foxes, a wall of black suits and cold faces. Neil lost sight of Matt and Dan when the strikers bodily shifted him out of the way, only keeping Allison near because their arms were still entwined. She barely noticed, though, more intent on what was in front of her.
Moriyama held out a hand, and Kevin obediently set his right hand in it.
"Butcher," a quiet voice called, the French pronunciation of the word barely softening the syllables from their English counterpart. Neil flinched all the same, and looked around to see if anyone had heard.
When she confirmed that no one else had, Neil looked over her shoulder, already knowing what she would find. She put a hand on Allison's arm to slip free. Jean tilted his head in an order, and Neil followed the stare to Riko stepping off the court. Neil didn't look back to see if any of her teammates noticed her exit, and kept a casual pace on her way to the door. She stepped into the inner court in time to see Riko disappearing into the home locker room. Neil took a breath to steel her nerves, and followed.
When Riko was done checking for unwanted company, he beckoned imperiously for Neil to join him in the front room. The room was almost big enough to fit the Foxes' entire locker room, and was crowded with matching couches. Riko considered the soft furniture and some of the pictures before giving it all a derisive snort. He turned on his heel to face Neil, and they eyed each other across the room.
Finally, Riko smiled. It was a horrible expression, but not nearly as bad as the words that followed it.
"Nathalie. It has been so long."
Neil's fear was hot and thick in her chest. She could barely breathe around it. She prayed her expression didn't give her away. "My name is Neil."
"Do not lie to me again. You will not enjoy the consequences." Riko gave Neil a beat to respond, but she had nothing to say. "Imagine my surprise when the results came back. Your hair," he elaborated with a mocking twitch of his smile. "Got a good handful, and you didn't even fight back."
Neil's stomach knotted up inside of her. Her mother would beat her half to death if she were still alive. All that time and money spent covering their tracks was wasted in a few moments.
"Explain something to me," Riko started across the room on slow steps. "Jean says Kevin did not know who you are. After seeing Kevin's reaction, I am actually inclined to believe him. Perhaps I can understand, as I know how blind Kevin can be when it comes to Exy. I might even forgive him for sheltering you from me. But you must know who you are, so I am very, very curious to know what you think you are doing."
"I'm just trying to get by," Neil said, squeezing her arms so tight across her chest she hoped she would crush her own lungs. "If I'd known our families were business partners, I wouldn't have signed the contract."
Riko stopped so close that they were touching, chest to chest, and it took all Neil had in herself not to lean away. Neil hadn't realized before that they were almost the same height. Riko's Japanese genes had betrayed him just as much as Neil's tiny mother had betrayed her. Riko might be short, but he radiated power and lethal malevolence. The couple of inches between the strikers felt like twenty.
"You're lying."
"I'm not," Neil hated the thread of the desperation that worked its way into her voice. "I don't want to cause any trouble for your family. I don't want you to cause any trouble for me, I'm just here for a year, and then I'm gone again, I promise."
"You don't want to cause any trouble for my family," Riko echoed, as if hearing them a second time would make them easier to understand. "You have already cost my family millions and eight years of trouble."
"How?" Neil asked. "The money I took was my father's."
"If you think acting stupid will save you, you are sadly mistaken."
"I'm not acting." Neil said, finally giving in and taking a step back. "My mother said it was my father's money. She never even told me about you. If I had unknown the money was yours–"
"Nothing your father owned was his!" Riko snapped. "You are the first example of that."
Neil's words died in her throat. She stared blankly at Riko, and Riko stared back, trying and failing to find deceit on her face. Whatever he did find only infuriated him. Riko grabbed Neil and slammed her into the wall. Neil's head hit hard enough to rattle her teeth, and was too distracted to stop Riko from grabbing and pinning both of her hands against the wall. Neil grunted, trying to pull away, but she wasn't strong enough. A thin line of warmth trickled down her arm from where she must have scraped the skin off on the cinderblocks.
"I refuse to believe that she never told you. All that time running and you never asked why?"
Neil gave him an incredulous look. "Have you forgotten him cutting that man into pieces? I didn't have to ask."
Both Riko's hands clamped down on Neil's forearms until they were secure once more against the wall, and he slotted a knee in between Neil's and pressed it hard against her pelvis to keep her from rearing. She squirmed and bucked, but to no avail.
A door banged open, and Matt called Neil's name. They only had seconds before he found them, but that was enough time for Riko to lean in. He paused, sucking in the same breath that his Raven had off of Dan. He kept his voice down, but packed a world of venom into his words.
"You were not running from your father, Nathalie, you were running from his master."
The thought of anyone keeping the Butcher on a leash was insane. "He didn't have one."
Riko pushed back, putting space between them right before Matt rounded the corner. Matt leveled a furious look at Riko as he moved up alongside Neil. "What is going on here?"
Neil ignored him, and insisted, "He didn't have one."
Riko pointed a finger at his own face, and waited. Neil stared back as her brain refused to put the last pieces together. What Riko was suggesting was impossible. The Butcher was one of the biggest names on the eastern seaboard, he made Baltimore his home, but his territory extended from D.C. to outer Newark. He had a fiercely loyal syndicate and a penchant for grotesque and monstrous executions. No one told the Butcher what to do, but Riko's incensed reaction didn't seem like an act. He had nothing to gain by lying to Neil, especially after considering how easily Kevin could set things straight.
Kevin.
Kevin was going to say yes to all of this, Neil knew, and she wasn't ready to hear that yet.
If the Moriyamas were really powerful enough to keep a man like her father under lock and key, Neil was so far in over her head she might as well be six feet under.
"I don't believe you," Neil said, but still heard the dread in her own voice.
"Denial is more infuriating than ignorance," Riko said. "You will speak to Kevin at the next available opportunity and have him explain this to you in little words that your small female mind can understand. Learn your place. I will never tolerate this level of disrespect from you again. Do you understand?"
Neil was already in her coffin. She might as well nail it shut. "Yeah, I understand you're a complete asshole."
Riko took a step forward, expression murderous, but Matt put an arm up between them. "Leave my team alone, Riko. You pick another fight here at a banquet and we'll make sure the ERC suspends you. Have fun telling the press why you're benched for a couple games."
Riko didn't even look at Matt. He stared at Neil for half a minute as he got his temper under control. But there was something else behind those eyes, something that set every inch of Neil shuddering and shivering. Her teeth were already chattering. His voice was calm when he finally spoke. "Later you will come to me on your knees, begging for my forgiveness. I cannot wait to deny you."
Riko turned, and left. Matt didn't drop his arm until the door slammed close behind Riko, then he wheeled on Neil, expression tight with equal parts anger and concern.
"Neil?"
Neil was cold, shivering against her will, and shaken all the way to the core, but her voice stayed stead. She stuffed her hands into her pockets in case they were shaking, gripping her phone for dear life. "I don't think Riko likes me very much. Should I be disappointed?"
Matt looked skyward as if searching for patience. "Coach is going to kill you."
"What he doesn't know won't hurt me."
"This is serious," Matt said. "Riko's got it out for you."
"He's not just after me," Neil said, but she could feel her words slipping. "He tried getting Dan too."
The dark look on Matt's face said he wouldn't forget that anytime soon either. "He can try all he likes, but he'll only piss me off. Dan's not ashamed, and this is different. I don't know what Jean said to you, but Kevin had to get shitfaced just to deal with it."
"It's not what Jean said that upset Kevin," Neil lied. "It's what I said. I told Riko Kevin and I mock him all the time and wouldn't let Kevin explain himself to Jean. I spoke for him and refused to let him back out of this. I've basically made things a thousand times worse for him. I'm not sorry, though."
Matt laughed. "You're a piece of work, you know that? Let's get back out there before Coach realizes we're missing."
They headed back into the stadium to find their team. The Ravens had dispersed, likely relieved from running interference upon Riko's return. Dan, Allison, and Renee were standing with Kevin and Audrey near one of the walls. Aaron and Nicky were still lost on the dance floor with both of their dates. Neil looked for Wymack, and found him talking to Moriyama in the middle of the floor.
When she was within hearing range, Audrey said. "I didn't think you would come back."
Neil didn't bother hiding herself, letting Audrey see whatever truths were written across her face. "I didn't either."
"How interesting. How much did it hurt?"
Neil held up her wrists to display the bruises in the shape of Riko's hands that were already forming. "Not as much as my next conversation with Kevin will."
"Did he touch you?" Audrey said, and Neil glanced up, surprised to find her voice colder than ice.
"No."
Audrey stared a little longer, then waved her hand in a dismissal. "Kevin will be yours tomorrow. Don't bother with it tonight."
Neil looked up to the upperclassmen watching them. Neil knew Matt would talk to them later and pass on her vague explanation, so she wasn't surprised when neither Dan nor Renee asked her what was going on. Instead, Matt looked from Audrey to Neil and asked, "How many languages do you speak, exactly?"
"A couple," Neil hedged, and turned back to Audrey. "Who's Doe?"
"Me," Audrey said. "I didn't enter the foster system with a last name, so I was tagged as a Doe. I changed my name when I was adopted; didn't Nicky mention that when he told you everything else?"
Nicky only would have confessed if he felt guilty for giving so much away. Neil assumed that meant the subject was touchier than Audrey would let on, so she answered with a vague, "he summarized."
Audrey shrugged the rest of the conversation off. Neil focused on gathering her teammates with Wymack, who waited while they changed out into their comfortable clothes and got them all on the road. She didn't need to say anything to Allison. The other woman simply waved a hand and pushed Neil to her usual spot in the back. The others fell asleep within a few miles, but Neil spent the entire ride thinking about Riko and her father.
Notes:
katelyn slipping in a joke about tilda's death. neil would have found that funny if u were any other person girl. also i know the sprint palm phone came out in 2007 but in my mind allison somehow gets her hands on it early and gets a matching one for neil, both in pink ofc
Chapter 10: nathan shields
Notes:
neil's talk w wymack, kevin, audrey, and then renee. warnings for discussion of csa and grooming, and also everything renee's canon backstory entails. nothing is explicit, but there's lots of implications and heavy topics here. be safe and skip around if u need to
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil jerked, the trained confusion and panic upon waking settling just as quickly as it appeared when she recognized Wymack's couch, the view just as familiar to her as her bed at the dorm. Wymack had snagged Neil before she could head back with her teammates. He hadn't said anything, maybe too tired to demand an explanation, but he had relegated Neil to the living room and gone to sleep.
Neil untangled the borrowed sheet from around her legs and sat up. The clock on the mantel was buried behind crumpled cigarette packs, but the light seeping into the room through the blinds was bright enough to be late morning. She wasn't surprised, considering how late they had gotten back, but she wasn't ready to face the day. Neil knew denial was childish, but she felt like little more than a child with how closely her father was looming over her. She wanted to avoid Kevin for as long as possible.
The soft click of dishes meant that Wymack was up, likely making coffee. Neil hesitated in the hallway with the sheet hugged to her chest, tempted to sneak out and avoid this conversation altogether. She owed it to her coach, though, so she dropped the sheet in the hamper beside Wymack's room, detoured in the bathroom, and joined Wymack in the kitchen.
Wymack didn't look up from the newspaper, but did point at the stove. A lid was keeping a skillet of potatoes and eggs warm. Neil put together a breakfast burrito and sat across from Wymack. She was almost finished with her breakfast before Wymack finished reading the paper, and set it aside. Neil didn't look up from her plate, avoiding Wymack's stare.
"You wanna tell me why you have a hard-on for antagonizing Riko?"
"He started it," Neil mumbled into her tortilla.
"That doesn't mean you have to sink to his level. Were you listening when I told you what kind of person he is? What kind of family he's from?"
"Yes, Coach."
"You said that last night when I told you to behave," Wymack said. "Your lip-service isn't going to be enough anymore. Don't lie to me about the important shit."
"I can't help it," Neil said. She tried to chew slower, but she was running out of burrito to hide behind. "How can you stand having a team like ours? Isn't it exhausting dealing with us and our problems day after day?"
Wymack emptied his mug in one swallow. "Nope."
Neil just looked at him, and Wymack stared back. Neil got tired of the staredown first, and finished her breakfast. She started to get up to clear away their plates, but Wymack took them from her. He dumped them in the dishwasher and poured a second cup of coffee. Instead of returning to the table, he turned and leaned against the counter as he considered Neil.
"I'm starting to think I misjudged you," he finally said. "I just don't know how, or where. I know I'm not completely wrong, but you're still just not adding up."
"Now you sound like Audrey."
"That's because they're her words." When Neil frowned at him, Wymack shrugged and knocked back some of the coffee. "First day of practice, I told everyone about the district transfer, remember? Audrey spent that night here with me. At first I figured she was mad at Kevin for lying, but she said she already knew. She was all worked up about you, not the district thing. I mostly turned her out then, but I probably should have listened."
"Audrey and I are working on our issues," Neil offered. "Sort of."
"She says you're a pathological liar. I'm starting to believe her."
"It's what I was raised to be," Neil said.
"Attempt to tell the truth at least once," Wymack said. "Tell me why someone who came here early to get away from his parents and who flinches away from me every time I get too close can suddenly go so far out of his way to offend someone like Riko Moriyama. I would have thought you'd have better survival instincts."
Neil slouched in her chair, and fidgeted with the edge of the table. Wymack deserved some sort of explanation, but the only one she had to offer at all was the one she had been hoping to avoid.
"Riko is my age."
Wymack didn't press her, which gave her time to swallow, and continue. "If you knew what my parents were capable of, you would understand why I don't trust anyone old enough to be them. I know here," Neil gestured to her head, "that you're not going to hurt me, but it's instinctive to react. I'm sorry."
"I didn't ask for an apology, wiseass."
"Yes, Coach," Neil said automatically, then winced.
"You're a real piece of work, you know that?" Wymack took his seat back at the table. "Your parents must be something else."
"So must yours, if you spend so much time on us."
"They were," Wymack agreed.
"Are they both dead?"
Wymack looked amused, at least, by her tactlessness. "My mother overdosed almost ten years ago, and my father lost a prison fight the first year I started here at Palmetto. I hadn't spoken to either of them since I left D.C.."
Neil's heart skipped a beat. "You grew up in D.C.?"
He huffed. "Of course that's the part you got hung up on."
Lying was easy, but maybe it was last night that made guilt burn on the back of Neil's tongue as she lied that time. "I was born in Alexandria, because my mom worked in D.C. for a while. I just… We both started there, and now we're here. Sometimes the world feels too big, but then I remember how small it is."
"Big or small, just remember that you're not alone in it. You have your team, but that's a double-edged sword. They're there for you any time you need them, and they'll hold up if you want them to, but your actions have consequences for all of them as well. The more you antagonize Riko, the harder you make things on them."
Neil dropped her chin into her palm. "Like with Seth. I know."
Wymack stared at her for an endless minute, then too quietly, said, "The fuck did you just say to me?"
She blinked, swallowing past the panic that Wymack's simmering anger brought up in her. "Seth said he… did he not tell you? Did Audrey not say anything to you? Even Kevin thinks Riko was behind it."
"Even Kevin," Wymack echoed, then shook his head. "Yes, I talked to Seth. Look at me, kid, look. Seth has always had a lot of problems, and no good solutions. We all know graduation will only come on a wing and a prayer. In his first four years, he's overdosed three times. It was past time for him to try again.
"I don't care what Audrey or Seth said to you. I don't care what Kevin thinks. If Riko was behind it, the blame is all on him. He chose to take out his petty rage on Seth. He chose to cross that line. You didn't. You hear me? You didn't. Don't ever blame yourself for Seth's overdose. That is too dangerous a road to walk down. You keep your eyes on your own path and keep moving forward."
"Yes, Coach."
Wymack didn't look convinced, but didn't push it. "Do we need to talk about last night?"
"No."
"Then come on. Audrey said you're meeting them at the stadium this morning. I'll give you a lift."
For the first time, being in a car with Wymack wasn't terrible, but it was only because of how daunting the talk Neil would have to have with Kevin was. Wymack pulled up outside the stadium, motioning to her before she could shut the door. "You tell Audrey to keep her bullshit theories to herself."
Neil nodded, and pushed the door closed. It didn't take long to find Kevin, sitting in the middle of the court on the fox paw logo. He wasn't dressed for practice. Neil wondered how long he'd been sitting there, waiting for Neil to wake up. Audrey wasn't hard to find either, running the steps further back in the stands. Neil dropped her travel bag near the Foxes' benches and went on the court to confront Kevin.
Kevin was facing her, but didn't look up or say anything as she approached. Neil sat down just out of his reach and searched Kevin's face for a truth she still didn't want to know, but had to. Kevin didn't look any happier than Neil was about this conversation, which only made Neil feel worse.
"Why did Riko say he bought me?"
Kevin was silent for so long Neil almost hoped this was all a sick dream. But, finally, he spoke.
"You're not really her," Kevin said, so low Neil barely understood the words. "Tell me you aren't really Nathalie."
Neil tried not to flinch at the sound of her real name, and didn't quite succeed. "Don't call me that. It doesn't matter who I used to be. I'm Neil now."
"It's not that simple," Kevin said, louder and dismayed. "Why are you here?"
"I had nowhere else to go," Neil said, curling her sticky hands into fists. "When you showed up in Arizona I thought it was because you had recognized me, but then you gave no sign that you actually remembered me. I thought maybe I could stay until you figured things out."
"You thought," Kevin said, voice sharp with something too hysterical to be scorn. "You are a fucking idiot."
"I was desperate."
"I can't believe your mother agreed to this."
"My mother is dead," Neil said. Kevin opened his mouth, but she didn't want to hear it. "She died last year and I buried her on the west coast. I have nothing, and no one else, Kevin. That's why I signed with you. I figured the chances of you remembering me were slim, and I gambled on you not knowing the truth about my father."
"How could we not remember you?"
Neil shook her head. "I didn't know. I didn't know when I came here that my father was a Moriyama."
"He's not," Kevin sounded almost as offended as Riko had.
"I didn't know," Neil repeated. Until Coach told me about the Moriyamas this May, I knew nothing about them. After that I thought maybe that's why we met so long ago. I thought Riko's father and mine were discussing territories and borders, but last night Riko said my father belonged to the Moriyamas. What did he mean? Why did he say he bought me?"
"Don't lie to me," Kevin said. "We are in enough trouble as it is."
"I'm not lying. My mother didn't tell me why we were running, and I never asked her why she finally had enough. I was just glad to get away. We never talked about anything real after that. It was always about the weather, or our current language or the local culture– the next time she had something meaningful to say was her last words. Even then, she didn't talk about my father. Not once did she mention the Moriyamas. If she had, I wouldn't be here right now, would I? Tell me the truth."
Kevin stared at her for another endless minute, then scrubbed fiercely at his face while muttering something in hoarse Japanese. Neil was pretty sure it was a few swear words. She considered reaching out and shaking him, but Kevin dropped his hands to his lap and explained.
"Your father was Lord Kengo's right-hand man, the most trusted weapon in Lord Kengo's arsenal. The territory he held, he held for the Moriyamas. He was the force that kept the empire in line and the name that would take the fall if the government ever caught on.
"His power made you a loose end. You couldn't inherit his syndicate. Lord Kengo handpicks all his people very carefully to bolster his throne. Nepotism fractures that upward loyalty and leads families to think of their own successes first. If you were a boy, you probably would have been executed outright. You were meant to be a reward, I think. Someone to marry off to one of Lord Kengo's other lieutenants, because of your mom's family, but then they said you were ruined. I don't know the details like you would, but…"
Kevin winced, and avoided Neil's eye, talking faster as if that would lessen the words' meaning. "Once you weren't a virgin you were useless. Lord Kengo could have you killed after that to keep things simple, but he gave you a chance to earn your keep anyway. Your mother enrolled you in little leagues so you could learn Exy. The day you met us was your audition."
"Wait," Neil said. "Wait. What?"
"You were supposed to be like me," Kevin said. "You were a gift, another player for the master to train. You had two days to win him over: an initial scrimmage with us to show off your potential and a second scrimmage to prove you could adapt and implement his instructions and criticisms. If afterward he decided you weren't worth his time you would be executed by your own father after all."
Neil swallowed hard. "How did I do?"
"Your mother wouldn't risk failure. You never made it to the second practice. She disappeared with you overnight."
The heat in Neil's stomach could have been nausea or rage, but she didn't know who she was angry at. Her mother had hated her fascination with Exy her entire life. Mary had told her over and over that Neil could never touch a racquet again, but had never told her why. She couldn't understand never explaining the totality of everything they were running from.
"I'm going to be sick," Neil said, getting to her feet.
She was halfway up before Kevin grabbed her wrist to stop her. "Nathalie, wait–"
Neil wrenched free so hard she almost sent Kevin sprawling. "Don't call me that!"
She backed out of Kevin's reach, but Kevin got to his feet as if to follow her. Neil put out a hand to warn him off. Her thoughts were spinning in too many thousands of directions as she stared at Kevin, at a number and reputation that could have been hers in another life. Her skin was crawling, burning with his touch. If she had impressed Coach Moriyama, she would have grown up at Castle Evermore with Riko and Kevin. She'd be wearing the number three tattoo that adorned Jean Moreau's face.
Neil wanted to hate the way things turned out. For a moment, she did. She had grown up a frightened nothing and no one, when she could have been raised to be a Raven and future Court. Neil loved Exy so much she had to resent being cheated out of that chance. But all Neil had to do was look at Kevin to know she would have hated that life too. She'd have learned from the best and played for the best, but she would have been a caged and abused wreck. Maybe she had spent eight years running for her life, but at least she'd been free.
Now she'd finally hit the end of that leash.
Jean had told Neil last night that she would never be a Fox. He warned Kevin to teach Neil her place in the Moriyama hierarchy and to discipline her for speaking out so strongly against Riko. Riko still considered Neil to be misplaced property. Now that Neil knew the truth, Riko expected Neil to bow her head and fall in line.
I won't, Neil wanted to say, but what came out was, "I can't. I can't be this."
"You should run."
"I can't," Neil said again. Neil realized her fingers were shaking, and she raked her hands through her hair. It didn't calm the nerves shuddering through every inch of her skin. "I ran for eight years, Kevin. It was horrible, even when my mother was alive. I can't do it anymore. Where would I go now that I'm alone? Audrey thinks I'm safest if I stay."
"You said Audrey doesn't know."
"Audrey thinks my father was a gopher who skimmed money off his boss's payments to the Moriyamas. I told her my parents were executed for their treachery, and that I ran with the money. Audrey wants me to use the Foxes' infamy to stay safe. If we're in the news every week, it's hard for someone to get rid of me, she says."
"No amount of notoriety can save a security risk like you," Kevin said. "You know too much. You could destroy your father's territory by speaking to the wrong people. They knew your mother would never betray her family to the Feds, but you are an unpredictable and frightened child."
Kevin shook his head and bulled on when Neil started to argue. "The master wants to salvage you. He's going to sign you to the Raven lineup in spring. So long as you keep quiet and keep your head down, he won't tell the main family he's found you."
"I'm not a Raven. I never will be."
"Then run," Kevin insisted, low and frantic. "It's the only way you'll survive."
Neil closed her eyes, trying to breathe. Her heartbeat was loud as gunfire in her ears, drumming holes into her brain. She dug her hands into her shirt, trying to feel her scars through the cotton. When she breathed, she smelled saltwater and blood. For a moment, she was three thousand miles away, stumbling alone and broken down the highway toward San Francisco. Neil's fingers ached with the need for a cigarette. Her legs burned with the desire– the need to run.
But Neil's feet stayed planted. She opened her eyes. "No."
"Don't be stupid."
"Running won't save me this time," Neil said. "If the Moriyamas really do think I'm a threat, they'll send people after me. My mother and I could barely outrun my father. How am I supposed to escape his boss?"
"At least you'd have a chance," Kevin said quietly.
"A chance to die somewhere else completely alone. No one would bury me."
Kevin looked away. Neil put her sticky hands in her pockets, feeling her keeps in one and phone in the other. She twisted her fingers through the key ring, tracing ridges with her fingertips until she found the one to the Columbia house. Audrey gave it to her in August, when she first promised to protect Neil.
Neil looked down at the fox paw they were standing on.
As she spoke, her fear finally seeped away and was replaced by an unhappy calm. Still, it was familiar. She had known this all, deep down, when she had decided to stay back then. It was the same, only now she knew why.
"If I was going to run, I should have done it in August. Audrey told me it was my last chance to get out. I decided to stay. I knew she was enough to stand between me and my father, but I wanted this too much to care. Maybe I didn't fully understand the stakes then, but this hasn't changed."
Neil crouched, and pressed her hands to the orange paint. "I don't want to run. I don't want to be a Raven, and I don't want to be Nathalie. I want to be Neil Josten. I want to be a Fox. I want to play with you this year and I want us to make it to championships. In spring, when the Moriyamas come for me, I'll do what they're so afraid I will, and I'll go to the FBI to tell them everything. Let them kill me. It'll be much too late by then."
Kevin was silent for an endless few minutes, then said, "You should be Court."
It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in her potential. He brought her to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of her. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts, Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation. Now, Kevin knew it was all for naught; Neil would be dead by May.
Neil would be dead by May.
Neil was going to die, and that thought soothed out any anxiety left in her.
She went to the FBI and was killed after, or she was handed over to the Moriyamas. It was a ridiculous thought, that the main branch would never find her there. No, the idea that her father's inner circle wouldn't break the rules to kill her anyway was ridiculous. Like Kevin said, she had been ruined as a child just because Romero had wanted to. She should have been a powerful asset, protected at all costs. Even that idea was laughable. The Wesniskis always took what they wanted, and never suffered the consequences. If Lola wanted Neil dead, and Neil had spent a lifetime of knowing she did, being inside the Ravens' nest wouldn't help her.
Neil would be dead by May either way.
Neil Josten, and Nathalie Wesninski would be dead by May. The news settled heavy in her bones, but nothing could breach through the odd calm it brought.
"Will you still teach me?" Neil asked.
Kevin was quiet again, but not for long. "Every night."
Neil swallowed against the hollow ache in her chest. The anxiety had fled, leaving a hole she didn't know if she could fill with anything else. "Matt and Dan want us to make it to finals. Do you think we can stand any chance?"
"We have a chance to make it to semifinals, if Nicky starts pulling his weight and Audrey cooperates," Kevin said. "We can't get past the Big Three."
USC, Penn State, and Edgar Allan were considered the 'Big Three' of NCAA Exy. Edgar Allan always placed first, with USC and Penn State usually stealing second and third, though they could never settle into a definitive ranking. The only way to finals was by beating one of those teams in the semi-finals.
"That will have to be good enough," Neil said.
She got to her feet again, and looked around, first at the orange lines and paw prints on the court, then through the walls to the stands. Audrey had apparently finished the stairs because she was now jogging laps around the inner court. It must have been because of some feeling she was trying to work off, because Neil saw her face contorted in true expression. It must have been something to do with the banquet.
"Kevin," Neil said, "What does Audrey want?"
Realizing Kevin had no way of following her train of thought, she gestured in Audrey's direction. "Audrey doesn't know who I am, but knows I have a price on my head. Despite that, she said she would protect me for a year. Not for my sake, but because she thought training me would distract you from the Ravens' threats. What does she want so badly that she'll risk so much to keep you safe?"
"I made her a promise," Kevin said, dragging his stare away from Neil's face to follow Audrey's progress. "She's waiting to see if I can keep it."
"I don't understand."
Kevin said nothing for so long that Neil almost gave up waiting for an answer. Finally, he explained, "Audrey is…" Kevin thought for a moment, as if trying to remember the exact words, and crooked his fingers at Neil as he quoted, "'Destructive and joyless.' Audrey has neither purpose nor ambition. I was the first person who ever looked at Audrey and told her she was worth something. When her family graduates and she has no one left to protect, nothing to hold her up, I will give her something to build her life around."
"She agreed to this?" Neil asked. "She's fighting you every step of the way. Why?"
"When I first said you would be Court, why were you upset with me?"
"Because I knew it would never happen, but I wanted it anyway."
Kevin said nothing. Neil waited, then realized she answered her own question. It startled Neil into silence for a minute. Disbelief warred with discomfort, but Neil didn't know where that unease came from. She shifted on her feet, and folded her arms as tight across her chest as she could. Feeling only a flat chest was as comforting as it was disquieting.
"So, what?" Neil said. "One day she's going to come to practice and realize she likes Exy after all? I thought you didn't believe in miracles."
"Audrey is crazy, not stupid," Kevin said. "Even she will grow bored of being a failure eventually. Once she realizes that I'm serious, I will have an easier time getting through to her."
Neil doubted it, but she said, "Good luck."
It surprised her that she meant it. Audrey was hell to deal with, but she really was doing her damnedest to keep both Neil and Kevin at Palmetto State. The least they could give her in return was something of her own. Neil couldn't deny a little bit of bitterness that Audrey would have the future Neil couldn't, but she would come to terms with that.
"Don't tell Audrey about any of this, Kevin. Not about my father, and not about the FBI."
"I can't. She won't respect your choice."
Neil looked at him, finding only certainty in his expression, but she frowned. She turned to go, but was stopped by Kevin tugging at her arm.
"Neil."
There was a world of regret in that name, but it was a promise, too. He knew, then, that this was partially his fault for dragging her to that cursed studio in Raleigh. Neil pulled herself back together piece by broken piece while she watched Kevin walk off the Foxhole Court. Audrey finally slowed to a halt, right outside the inner court door, catching her breath before making as if to follow Kevin, so Neil called her name.
Audrey turned, flushed and sweating, but any expression that she had worn earlier was gone.
Neil swallowed, before coming to a stop in front of her. "Break your deal with me."
"No," Audrey said without hesitation.
"You said you'd stick with me if I kept Kevin south, but he won't need me anymore. He proved that. You've completed the deal."
Audrey stared at her, searching for something that she apparently didn't find, because she ducked her head to wipe the sweat from her forehead. "Explain."
Neil shook her head, trying to come up with something to say that would be bordering enough on the truth, then hissed through her teeth. "I'm not being honest to you."
"Wow," Audrey glared. "What a surprise."
Neil tried to swallow again, but her mouth was too dry under Audrey's scrutiny. "Kevin just barely proved at the banquet that he doesn't need me. He chose us over the Ravens. There's nothing else I can give you in exchange for your protection."
"That's still you holding up your end of our deal. Are you that stupid that you can't see that?"
"That wasn't the deal. The deal was as long as I have Kevin's attention, I will get your protection. I don't have his attention anymore, but he will stay."
"No."
"Then change our deal. I'm not staying because of your protection, I–" Neil's voice cracked, and she sucked in a breath past the sudden lump in her throat. "I was never staying because of your protection, I was staying because you gave me a place to stay in the first place. I don't need to be protected, and I never have. I won't run, I promise, because this is too good of a place to give up."
Finally, Audrey said, "What would you take instead of my protection?"
Neil shook her head. "Anything." When Audrey just stared at her, then flicked her gaze to the court, unimpressed, Neil blinked when it clicked. "You want me to ask for you to play Exy like you mean it."
"I want nothing. That's what I expect an Exy-obsessed junkie like you to ask for."
"Is that something you can give?"
That, at least, seemed to catch Audrey off guard. She made no move to speak, so Neil finally said, "Okay. I don't want your protection, I just want you to put effort into games."
"Just games?"
Neil sighed, then shrugged. It was something she wanted, sure, but something about it felt off to ask for. "Just games. It would be a different story for practice if you weren't a goalkeeper, but the Foxes… well. Will you do it?"
"I'll think about it."
Neil shook her head. "If it's because you still think I'm lying, or planning to run, I'm not. If I was going to leave I would have done so at the banquet when Riko called me by my name. I won't lie and say I didn't think about it, but I'm here because I decided to stay. I trusted you more than I was scared of him, so trust me now, if you can. I'm not going anywhere."
"Trust you," Audrey said, slowly, enunciating each syllable like she'd never heard the words before. Her warm fingers came up, tight around Neil's chin. "You lie, and you lie, and you lie, and you think I would trust you."
"Then don't trust Neil," Neil said. "Trust me."
"Do you have a name?"
"If you need one, call me Sarai."
"Should I believe that?"
Neil shook her head, trying to think. There had been too much truth spouted today, again. Everything she had hidden, and worked so hard to hide, was coming out of the shadows all around her. It felt like her skin and muscle were being pulled back, layer by layer.
"I'm named after my father. Sarai is my middle name; it's the name my mother used when she was trying to protect me from his work." It was the name she went by at her little league practices so the coach would actually let her play. It was strange hearing it aloud when no one had called her Sarai in eight years. "Ask Kevin if you don't believe me. He would know."
"Maybe I will."
Neil waited, but she didn't let go. Neil knew just a glimpse of her scars would probably do the trick, but couldn't bring herself to.
"Nothing Riko does could truly scare me," Neil said, and ignored the burning of Kevin's earlier words about notoriety, "And like you said, the best way to hide from my past is to hide in plain sight. I want to stay. Will you let me?"
Audrey finally pulled back and folded her arms over her chest. "Spar with Renee. If she says you can protect yourself, then I'll believe you, and we can adjust our deal."
Neil stared at her, then nodded. "Thank you."
"Better hurry after Kevin."
Neil nodded numbly, then half-tumbled out of the stadium. Kevin was leaning on Audrey's car, but Neil ignored him completely as she started running. As her feet pounded on the cement, each thought, each worry, and each truth eventually ebbed from her mind.
She was going to die at the end of the year.
She was going to have a place to stay, and to exist for the first time as a real person until May. It was everything she had never had, and everything she had ever wanted. All thoughts eventually slipped out of grasp, she was left with contentment.
Her first stop back after showering and changing into comfortable clothes, was to knock on the girls' door. Renee answered, already smiling.
"Audrey texted me you might show up."
Renee led Neil down to one of the currently empty study rooms in the basement of Fox Tower, with a bag on her shoulder. They pushed aside the tables, and while they worked, Renee spoke softly.
"I am extremely grateful to be where I am today, but that doesn't mean I'm ever going to forget where I came from. Audrey finds my past useful in her own ways, and I was also happy to help her learn to fight, especially if that was something that was going to help her feel more able to protect herself and her loved ones. People like the three of us, if you don't mind me saying so, have seen too much of the world to be comfortable trusting only in others and outside forces to protect us."
Neil gave a short nod, and stood in the center of the room. "You said I could ask you when I was ready for the answer, and I'm ready. Will you tell me why Audrey likes you?"
"Last year, she took a few of us out to Eden's Twilight, one at a time," Renee said, tugging off her sweater to reveal a sports bra underneath. "Matt's story is his own, but she invited Dan to see if she was a woman worth following on the court. She asked me because, like you, she didn't buy into this front." She gestured at her face, and rested her fingertips on her cross necklace. Neil noted that she had left it on at all, if they were truly going to spar. "She wanted the truth, so I told her. Audrey and I found out we have a lot in common, the only differences being luck and faith.
"I am a bad person trying very hard to be a good person, but I would not be trying at all if not for the outside interventions in my life. I grew up with my mother and her string of heavy-handed boyfriends. Maybe it's inevitable that I got into trouble myself. I started working as a lookout and runner for one of Detroit's gangs. It took me a couple years to work my way up to harder work. I did anything they asked me to, and I didn't care who I hurt. My name, at the time, was Nathan Shields."
Neil swallowed, frost pouring down her back and spreading into her nervous system until she clenched her fingers so hard they went numb.
Renee's eyes, just for a moment, turned hard. "Does that bother you?"
Neil shook her head, trying to get words past her closed throat. "I- no. Not- I don't care if you were born a boy. It's the name. I don't want to talk about it."
"Alright. At that time, I was not as smart as I thought I was. When I was fifteen, the police caught me, and my lawyer traded my testimony for a reduced sentence. My words got a lot of people in trouble, including my mother. My lawyer explained my home life so the court would understand my lack of positive role models. His findings sent both my mother and her then-lover to prison on assorted charges. They were beaten to death by angry members of the gang I helped put away."
Renee paused, and Neil wanted to say something, but the only thing on her mouth was her foaming jealousy. Both Renee and Wymack had lost their parents to prison violence, but no one would dare attack her father. It would solve a lot of world problems just for Neil if a few inmates could just work up enough aggression and courage.
"I'm sorry," Neil eventually managed.
"I'm not," Renee said, and that purged any lingering sourness of jealousy from her. "I know I should be, but that's still something I'm working on. I know I was directly responsible for the circumstances that led me to their murders, but to be honest, I hated them. On top of that, without my mother's death, I never would have ended up here.
"With my mother dead and my biological father in the wind, the courts had no choice but to release me into foster care after my year at a juvenile facility," Renee said. "I made life as difficult as I could for my foster families and jumped eight homes in two years. Stephanie Walker found out about me from one of my foster mothers at her high school reunion. She put in a request for me, pushed until it was approved, and moved me to North Dakota as soon as it was finalized. She gave me a new name, a new faith, and a new chance at life."
Renee hadn't been exaggerating when she said she and Audrey were alike, then. They had violent, unstable upbringings thanks to their mothers, and spent time in both juvie and the foster system. Their paths split irrevocably after their respective adoptions. Renee let Stephanie shape her into a decent human being and atoned for her past brutality, whereas Audrey had been taken in by the Spears. Neil still didn't know quite how the abuse she faced there had landed her in juvie, but after that, Neil doubted Nicky Hemmick of all people was a very good, or even secure guardian.
With that, though, Neil finally understood why Renee wasn't afraid of Audrey.
"Then why don't you and Audrey work?" Neil asked.
"I'm sorry," Renee said. "Work how?"
"Allison said you asked Audrey out to the banquet. Why haven't you asked her out again?"
The look on her face said it was the last question she had expected. She bought herself time by ducking back to the bag she brought, pulling out two sheathed knives. The look on her face was assessing, but she turned to the task fully and put her gaze to the blades.
"What is this all about, if you don't mind me asking? You've never seemed interested before."
"I'm not," Neil said, and tried to think of how to explain. "Everyone here treats Audrey like she's terrifying and bloodthirsty when everything that she does points in the opposite direction. No one else but you seems to get it, so if you have this– I don't know– deeper thing going on then I'm just trying to make sense of it all."
Renee finally wasn't smiling. She just bit thoughtfully at her lower lip, then said, "There's nothing between us."
"Allison said that, but there are still bets about it. If you can say no so easily to me, why haven't you set anyone else straight yet?"
"It's complicated," Renee said, "And we profit more from silence. Allison believed me when I said I wouldn't fall for Audrey. The others stopped hypothesizing for a romantic relationship between us when Kevin came around. I reward Allison's trust in me by stacking the odds in her favor on any bets about us, though, and we split the proceeds."
"How does Audrey benefit?"
Renee began to stretch, thinking, and Neil followed her lead. After a few moments' consideration, she said, "Peace of mind."
"I don't understand."
She hesitated again. Renee led them both through a series of hamstring stretches before answering again. "Audrey said you would have questions for me. I asked her what she wanted me to say if you came by, but she said she didn't care, and didn't have time to play moderator. If she knew this was what you wanted to talk about, I'll assume she knew this would come up." Once they were sitting, Renee tugged her folded legs into a butterfly stretch. "Audrey propositioned me, when she first came to Palmetto, for a casual exchange for sex and nothing more, but I turned her down. While I am more than content with our friendship, I don't know if I'll ever be ready for intimacy with another person. Even if I was, I wouldn't feel comfortable if it was only a casual thing. Audrey hasn't asked again."
Neil blinked at her, then said, "Oh. Then Audrey and Kevin–"
Renee laughed, and waved that off. "Oh, no. You'll meet Kevin's girlfriend later this year, I'm sure."
"You're lying," Neil stared at her. "Kevin doesn't have a girlfriend. He's under too much scrutiny from the press and his fans to hide that kind of thing."
Renee only shrugged. "They're not official, and Kevin knows better than to be indiscreet. I only know about it because Audrey asked me to find out if Kevin was after her as you suggested. I do not know any more than that."
Neil's thoughts were still stuck on Audrey, like a jammed record player. "No one else knows about Audrey's sexuality, though."
"As far as I know," Renee agreed. "I think Allison has guessed on it, but Allison… well," and Renee's smile returned. Neil, for the first time, was glad to see it. "She treats bisexuality as a standard, with a more guilty until proven innocent stance on it, and the finer details of Audrey being a lesbian wouldn't matter to her."
"But Aaron and Nicky don't know?" Neil asked. "I know they've only known her a couple years, but they're with her all the time. How could they not have figured it out by now?"
"I assume Audrey is a hard read for even them," Renee said. "You don't often see what you aren't looking for. More importantly, Audrey does not want them to know. Audrey and Aaron aren't ready for a conversation that serious yet. They have too many other problems to work through first, and you know as well as I do that Nicky can't keep a secret to save his life."
Yet, Renee had said. That meant Audrey intended on fixing things with her brother at some point. Neil didn't know if that was her optimism speaking or if she knew it as fact. She didn't know what she and Audrey talked about when they stood off by themselves. Thinking it was Exy strategies was laughable. Imagining them having a serious conversation about Audrey's closeted sexuality, however, was equally impossible.
"Why can I know?" Neil asked.
"Perhaps she knows you won't use it against her," Renee said.
There was a gentle warning in her words, and Neil bristled despite herself. Her teammates' relationships were interesting to observe from a distance, but otherwise inconsequential. Neil didn't care about her teammates' sexualities because it had nothing to do with her survival. Audrey's sexuality confirmation certainly wasn't ammunition to use against her. Besides, Audrey still believed that Neil was a boy. If it was being said in the form of a warning, then it was baseless.
"I do not know your story," she continued before Neil could say anything. "If you trusted Audrey with anything, she hasn't shared the details with me, and she never will. But, if you are as like us as we first predicted you to be, perhaps one day you can also come to see me as a friend. We're all here because we have problems, but that doesn't mean all our problems are the same. Dan and Matt try to understand the things I've seen and done, but they will never fully succeed. Audrey understands me, and I understand her. There is a sense of comfort in that, and if I can even attempt to provide that for you, then I hope you'll let me. It's comforting knowing someone else has been where we once were. If either Audrey or I can help you, please know that we are here.
Neil didn't answer that; she couldn't. It was too much to think about and too much to consider. She wanted to ask her, suddenly, about the trial and what it was like giving testimony. She needed to know how the courts protected her and if it was worth it. If she went to the FBI in the spring with proof to take her father down, she would at least like an idea of what she was getting into.
That opened too many questions. Neil took a deep breath, and asked, "Did Audrey tell you if I have to do anything specifically? With sparring, I mean."
Renee shook her head. "Audrey called me and told me that you would probably show up at the dorm and ask some questions that I could answer. She said that she told you to spar with me, and that if you're competent, I should tell her."
"That's it?" Neil stared at Renee, but her calm expression was firmly back in place. "You told me that all because Audrey said I was going to ask you some questions?"
"My past is my own. I regret many of my actions, but I am not ashamed of it. I would have told you one way or another, especially if it was going to bring you any comfort. Audrey simply told me what to expect."
"And what will you tell her?"
Renee shrugged. "I would like to give you a definitive answer, but I don't have one yet. Maybe we can try sparring, and then I can tell you?"
"When you spar with Audrey, is it with knives?"
"Sometimes. We don't have to use them if you don't want to."
Neil hesitated. Renee waited for a response, and when Neil held out her hand, she handed her one. Renee took up a position, clearly defensive and waiting. Neil sighed, leaning back onto her haunches, and stretched out her neck. The burning pain of truths that running had been able to soothe tingled again, ready to split open and bleed for this. If this was what Audrey wanted in trade for changing their deal, then Neil would do it. Still, it was a horribly uncomfortable thing, to unearth the skills she had learned in her father's house.
Kevin hadn't known the details of Neil and Romero, but standing in front of Renee, Neil was sharply aware of the memories pressing in on her all the same. Her father had thought he could get away with using Neil as an heir because she was a girl. He was planning on marrying her off, yes, but keeping her close enough to inherit his territory and his monstrous nature in all but name. She was to be his junior in every sense. Neil hadn't gotten any of it, though, least of all his bloodlust, but her father was under the impression that it would come to her eventually, if they put in the work. Regular tutoring sessions became one on one time with each of the Butcher's inner circle as they taught a tiny child how to fight, how to make others suffer, and how to bleed.
Romero Malcolm, apparently, had thought himself above the rules and had taken what he wanted. No amount of lessons with a blade could stop Neil from being a child, incapable of fighting someone four times her size when that blade was taken away. Being found ruining such a precious asset should have been an immediate death sentence, but the Butcher, despite watching the exact crime, claimed he didn't know who had done it.
Neil flexed her hands. She couldn't go easy on Renee, but Audrey couldn't follow through with her protection unless Neil wanted her dead. She sucked in a breath, and breathed out through her nose. A childhood only of being groomed to be the next Butcher, and years of Mary's lessons after that had her striking out at Renee first.
Not even a minute later, a disarmed Renee was on her back, Neil's knee on her chest, sheathed blade to her throat. Even Renee seemed surprised. She was good, Neil knew, but not good enough. Not as good as any of Neil's teachers, and not as good as their teachings poured into the Butcher's daughter and reflected onto her target.
"Do we need to go again?" Neil asked. "For Audrey?"
Renee nodded, and they did, then again, again, and a fifth, final time before Renee held up her bruised hands in surrender. "I've seen enough. I'll tell Audrey you're more than competent."
Neil nodded, already halfway out the door by the time Renee called her name. She turned around just in time to see Renee smile. Not her normal smile, but the smile of Nathan Shields.
Whatever Renee told Audrey, Neil didn't hear of it again. She didn't hear anything from Audrey at all, except a few long glances across the court the next morning. Neil took the silence as a confirmation of their changed deal, and didn't think of it again.
That feeling that was already rattling loose in her chest finally came free, bringing a sense of freedom that Neil had never felt before. She would be dead by May. It came with a sense of freedom that made her glow from the inside out.
For the first time in Neil's life, she didn't have to think about the future.
Notes:
yay renee!! her chat w neil comes earlier here, but i didn't think it made sense to have it put off later bc like neil says, it's kind of a warning lol. audrey wants neil in her circle, but has been burned by every other man in her life. i hope you caught that!! also yeah, neil :( it didn't make sense to me that the moriyamas would have viewed neil capable of taking over in the first place when they're obv v patriarchal, but once 'ruined', then she would be a fine gift to tetsuji. maybe i have a wife!neil fic in my future hmmmmm who would she marry?? ichirou?????
Chapter 11: edgar allan ravens
Notes:
shorter chapter just bc most of my raven king chapters are on the shorter side
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Through the next few weeks, she stopped counting days until the Ravens' match, and scaled back on how much news she watched and read. She threw all her energy into practices, stayed awake through most of her classes, and juggled her teammates as best as she could. She saw Audrey's lot on the way to and from practices, and she was out with Kevin and Audrey most nights, so she let the upperclassmen have her evenings.
She knew things about them she had never bothered to learn about anyone else in her entire life. She heard more about Renee moving in with Stephanie, about her mother being the reason they were at Palmetto State to begin with. Stephanie Walker was a reporter who had interviewed Wymack with the ulterior motive of marketing Renee to him. Wymack flew to North Dakota during spring championships to watch Renee's team take on their biggest rivals. Dan happened to be captain of the rival team, and Wymack was impressed by her fierce performance. He signed them both that same weekend.
"It was pretty bad," Dan admitted, when Renee told the story over a dinner. "I couldn't believe Coach actually expected us to get along, especially after her team kicked mine out of the championships in my senior year."
"She took it very personally," Renee said with a fond smile on her face.
Neil tried imaging a time when they weren't friends and found it difficult. "You got over it eventually?"
"I didn't have a choice," Dan said. "The Foxes didn't want girls on the line-up, and they especially didn't want one as captain."
"We had to face our teammates as a united force," Renee said, motioning from herself to Dan to Allison. "It was the only way to survive. Our friendship was a show that started and stopped at our bedroom door. It took most of that year for us to realize it wasn't an act anymore."
"I didn't figure it out until summer break," Dan laughed, "when I was talking to the girls about the season."
By 'the girls', she meant their state sisters. Dan had gotten a fake ID back in high school so she could work as a stripper in a nearby city. The hours worked well around her classes and Exy schedule, and it made the money she needed. Her aunt was unemployed and stuck at home with a newborn. Dan somehow managed to support all three of them like that. She stopped talking to her aunt the second she moved out, but kept in touch with her former coworkers. Supposedly they were all waiting for her to become a star.
That was how Neil found out Dan didn't want to go professional after college. She wanted to be a coach, and planned on seizing the Foxhole Court when Wymack retired down the road. She would maintain Wymack's recruiting standards in his absence. Matt was wholeheartedly in favor of the idea.
Matt was an interesting countermeasure to Dan's scrappy background: the wealthy and well-educated son of a professional boxer and a high profile plastic surgeon. His parents separated years before, in large part due to his father's unending infidelity, but weren't officially divorced. Matt grew up with his father, since his mother's career meant a lot of time on the road. Matt minced his words when talking about his father, but could go on about his mother at length, and did. She was his idol, and Neil found listening to his stories as interesting as it was painful. When Matt talked about summer breaks spent drag racing through the mountains, Neil remembered the sound her mother's corpse made when she tried peeling it off the vinyl seat and had to leave that restaurant early.
Matt also talked about his struggle with drugs a little, which was just as interesting as it was unrelatable for Neil. He explained in detail what had happened last year at Eden's, and the following rehab that left Dan fuming in rehashing, but Neil and Renee took with equal neutrality. It wasn't a surprise, after what had happened to Neil, and what she had heard about Matt's trip. Allison asked more about his drug detox, and Matt was, if not happy, willing to explain. Allison said that Seth had been given a date in the middle of November to come home, and told her in no uncertain terms that she and Neil would be going to get her wayward boyfriend together.
Neil wished she had something to give them in return for their easy friendship and trust, but nothing about her was safe enough to share. They never pried, but it took her weeks to realize that they didn't have to. They didn't ask for secrets; they settled for the breadcrumb truths of day to day life. They knew she hated vegetables but loved fruit, that her favorite color was gray, and that she didn't like movies or loud music. They were things Neil understood only in terms of survival, but her teammates hoarded the insights like gold.
They were piecing Neil together, and building a real person around all of her lies. They found the parts of her that no disguise could change and held on like they were valuable. Nothing they were learning would change the year's outcome, or tell them who she really was, but it was frightening to be known nonetheless. Luckily, midterms were coming up, so Neil could use studying as an excuse to slowly pull back out of their reach.
The library seemed a safe refuge, since it was four stories tall and had two hundred rows to hide in, but Neil wasn't the only one with exams. Katelyn, as she had apologized for profusely, had come across far stronger than she actually was in their first meeting. She was a good study partner, and made no comments about the Japanese thrown around at the banquet, just taught Neil anyway. She had a softness about her that was as scary for Neil as it was welcoming. If she thought about it too hard, it only incited a faint but stinging jealousy.
They were pouring over one of Katelyn's textbooks, looking for an explanation that Neil's beginner book didn't have when Katelyn's finger slowed from where she traced down the page. The cheerleader's face broke out into a smile the size that Neil hadn't seen before, and she waved. Neil looked up to find none other than Aaron Minyard making his way towards them.
He looked annoyed, but came over anyway. He held two coffee cups, one that he pushed in Katelyn's direction before taking up a seat at their table. This was the first time Neil saw them so close to each other. She had purposefully ignored them on the bus, since that seemed like the thing to do. Maybe Aaron was making the move their teammates were waiting for after all.
Neil pushed to her feet. "You can have my chair, Aaron. Let me know when you figure out that question, okay, Katelyn?"
Katelyn nodded, then frowned. She hadn't even noticed that the girl had been smiling until she wasn't. It was such an abrupt change that Neil stilled, trying to find out what was wrong. She held out a hand. "I don't have your number. Give me your phone."
Neil obediently gave her the pink phone, and Katelyn giggled while typing. "Did you pick this out?"
"Allison did," Neil shrugged. "I like pink fine."
Katelyn handed back Neil's phone, and Neil set on her way down the stairs, only to find Nicky at the bottom. He smiled at her, immediately spotting her.
"Hi, Neil! Is now an okay time for you?"
Neil wondered if the Foxes secretly installed her with a tracking chip, and nodded at the man. "I just finished with my Japanese, so I'm heading back to Fox Tower. You can walk back with me, if you want."
"That's perfect, thanks, Neil! I was looking for Aaron, but he's probably hiding somewhere in the stacks with Katelyn. Not bad necking grounds, the library, as far as necking grounds on campus go. Audrey's basically allergic to books, so she doesn't come here unless Kevin makes her. They're safe for another week at least from Kevin, but I'll find them one off these days. Do us all a favor and don't mention it to Audrey?"
"I thought Katelyn and Aaron weren't together," Neil said, setting off at a brisk enough pace that she hoped it deterred Nicky.
"Not officially, no. Aaron's too smart to ask her out, and for now, Katelyn's okay with waiting. I don't know if she'll last until graduation, and I know it's not fair to ask her to, but I kind of hope she does. They're good together, right?"
"I wouldn't know."
"Well, it's just that Audrey hates her, you know, since Aaron likes her."
Neil frowned. "Audrey doesn't even like Aaron."
"Precisely. Audrey's not really big on the idea of Aaron's happiness, see? So, if Aaron likes Katelyn, Audrey doesn't want him to have her. Audrey is a master of childish spite."
She shook her head. "That doesn't make sense."
"It's complicated," Nicky said, and rubbed the back of his neck, looking to the sky as they walked. Neil had to yank him out of the way of some other passing students. "I didn't really get into the gritty details when I explained, because those aren't really Dan and Matt's business, but you're family, so I can tell you."
Despite that, he checked around them for anyone he recognized. Apparently satisfied, he said, "I told you Aunt Tilda gave Audrey up, right? That's only half of it. Truth is, she put both of them in the system at first, and a week later she changed her mind. The system lets you do that, for like, panic or regret. She didn't have to give the clerk her name but she had to take the gray ID bands that marched which kids were hers just in case. So long as she came back fast enough, yeah, she could have her babies back.
"Aunt Tilda felt guilty about giving her daughters up, but she didn't feel bad enough to take them both. She could only handle one, or so she told my Dad when he found out about Audrey. I don't know how she chose which one she went back for."
Nicky went quiet for a moment as they thought about it. They made their way across a well-worn foot path that cut through the grass and Neil waited.
"They each had a fifty-fifty chance of getting screwed, really. Guess they both got the short end of the stick. Audrey went off to foster care, and Aaron became the living reminder of Tilda's guilt and failure. Tilda tried as hard as she could not to deal with Aaron at all, at least until Audrey came back into the picture. That's when Aaron says she started getting angry instead of just neglectful."
"They know she gave them both up?" Neil asked.
"When Audrey's foster mother called to set that meet-and-greet, she asked Aunt Tilda how only one of them ended up in the system. Aunt Tilda, but you remember, Aaron was listening on the upstairs line. I don't know why the hell Audrey's foster family told her, but yeah, she knows. I'm thinking that's why she wouldn't talk to Aaron when Aaron wrote her. She was– justifiably, I think– pissed off."
"That's still not Aaron's fault," Neil said. "It was their mother's decision."
"That's Audrey for you: making sense since never, Finding Audrey again was a turning point for Aaron in all the worst ways. Aunt Tilda moved them cross-country to be closer to my parents, started drinking more than ever, and got heavy-handed with Aaron. Aaron got into all kinds of trouble in some sort of traumatized rebellion. He took her drugs and got into fights at school and in general, grew up to be a bit of an asshole. Mom wrote me about it when I was in Germany because she was worried about him. The only good thing Aaron did in South Carolina was play Exy, and he only picked that up so games would get him out of Aunt Tilda's house.
"Then Dad found out about Audrey and began this years-long campaign to bring her home. Told you last time, right? He wore Aunt Tilda down until she agreed to take Audrey in, then talked to the courts and Children's Services and Audrey's last foster family. He met Audrey, who apparently wasn't interested in a triumphant return with her mother, and introduced Aaron to Audrey. That's when things started moving. Audrey suddenly got motivated. She started behaving and toeing the line, and got released on early parole about a year later."
"Audrey decided she wanted a brother after all," Neil said. "So what went wrong?"
"Aunt Tilda died, and Aaron blames Audrey."
"Did she do it?"
Nicky motioned for her to quiet down, regardless that Nicky was the louder of the two, and they were alone in the shadow of the science building. Neil refrained from rolling her eyes, but only barely.
"The night Aunt Tilda died, she and Aaron got into a fight. That's how Mom and Dad finally found out that Aunt Tilda was beating Aaron. He showed up at their place with fresh bruises and cuts. Dad called Aunt Tilda over to sort things out, but she didn't stick around for long. She took Aaron and left. They didn't make it home. She went over the median into oncoming traffic, and wasn't wearing her seatbelt."
Nicky, finally, dropped his voice. "It wasn't Aaron in the car, though. Aaron was standing in for Audrey at a study session. They used to pass for each other all the time, I mean, before they both cut their hair and Aaron started- well. It was a pretty easy act for Aaron to pull off. He didn't know why Audrey asked him to do it until the police called. I still don't know what happened, if Aunt Tilda panicked when she realized which daughter was with her, or if they were fighting or if it was intentional, but…
"It's not like Aaron liked her, but she was his mother, you know? And, Aaron never got to fix things with her. Never got to understand why she was so messed up or why she messed them up so bad. Aaron can't accept that she's gone. He misses her. He can't forgive Audrey, and Audrey doesn't understand or care about how much it hurt Aaron. So, stalemate."
Neil thought she understood Aaron's situation, everything feeling a little too close to Mary for comfort. Neil couldn't say that, though, when her teammates thought both her parents were alive and well, so she settled on the more interesting conclusion of the story.
"Audrey did care," Neil said, slowly, giving herself time to clear any grief out of her throat. "That's what went wrong."
Nicky blinked at her. "What?"
"Audrey came home for Aaron, right? It wouldn't have taken her long to realize Aaron was a wreck. Audrey would have traced Aaron's problems back to their mother. Maybe she didn't kill her for giving her up, maybe she did it to protect Aaron."
Nicky looked skeptical. "That is a seriously big maybe, Neil."
"Is it?" Neil asked. "Wasn't Audrey the one to nearly kill four men just to protect you?"
That silenced Nicky.
"She was hurting Aaron, so Audrey stopped her," Neil said, shrugging. "Aaron should have been grateful, but he mourned her like he didn't care what she'd done to them. He took sides, but Audrey didn't think he would do that."
"You really think so?"
"It makes sense to me."
That wasn't an explanation for Katelyn, though Neil wondered if it was another wording problem. Audrey wouldn't let another person come between them, or maybe that she was still punishing Aaron for choosing the wrong side three years ago.
"I'm guessing they've never talked about how she died."
"Not since I moved in, and I showed up the day of Aunt Tilda's funeral," Nicky said. "They won't even talk about the little things. I don't see them having a belated heart-to-heart about Audrey's intentions anytime soon.
"The only reason I stayed when Coach offered me a spot was so I could fix this. I thought if I had more time, I could show the twins how to be actual twins. I'm not giving up, not by a long shot, but I've realized by now I can't fix it on my own. I hate to say it, but I wish Renee would hurry up and make her move."
Neil had no idea how the conversation had gone from murder to Renee. She ran over the last couple seconds in her head just in case she was missing something, but came up completely empty. Renee had said she hadn't told anyone what Audrey had offered her, and would continue to keep quiet out of respect for Audrey. It didn't make any sense that she would have told Nicky, of all people, and even less sense that Audrey would have said something.
"What?" Neil finally settled on.
"What do you mean, what?" Nicky said.
"I mean, I thought you didn't like her."
"Who doesn't like Renee?"
Neil almost volunteered herself as an example but couldn't make her mouth say the words. She did like Renee. That was a realization so shocking Neil stopped in place. Nicky was happy to oblige her, moving closer to the shade of a tree.
"I mean," Nicky said, and Neil realized now he was being careful with his words. "Not to throw my own cousin under the bus, but she's not really good enough for Renee. Sure, they went to the banquet together, but nothing has happened since, and I don't need to tell you how much of a trainwreck that must have been as a date. Something has to happen, though, because I'm getting desperate and Audrey needs something to distract her from all her issues."
Neil had to force all thoughts of her conversation with Renee out of her mind so she didn't give anything away to Nicky that Audrey didn't want shared, and ended up thinking about her conversation with Kevin a few weeks ago. "What about Exy?"
"Now you sound like Kevin." Nicky rubbed at his temples like he was warding off a headache. "Exy isn't an option here, okay? You can love Exy all you want, but it's never going to love you back."
Neil should let it go, but the challenge was out before she could stop it. "So?"
"Oh, my god," Nicky said, looking torn between horror and pity. "Seriously? That might be the saddest thing I've ever heard."
Neil scoffed, and made her way to the entrance to the dorms. Nicky snatched at her arm. "Don't you dare, hey! Listen to me, Neil. There's obsession and there's dysfunction. You can't make Exy your end-all be-all. This won't last forever, okay? You'll shine bright and then you'll retire and then what? You gonna spend the rest of your life at home with your trophies?"
Alone in the elevator with Nicky, Neil pondered telling the man that either way, come May, she would be dead.
"You can't just be this, Neil. This isn't enough to live for. I could take you down to Columbia sometime, just the two of us, and have Ross introduce you around. She's got a lot of great friends. At this point, I won't even care if it's a girl, so long as you–"
"Why don't you like girls?"
Nicky looked startled by the interruption, but he rallied quickly and made a face. "They're so soft."
Neil thought about Renee's bruised knuckles, Dan's fierce spirit, and Allison facing down on the court after Seth's attack. She thought about her mother, standing unflinching in the face of her father's violent anger, both mother and daughter leaving a ruthless trail of bodies in their wake just for the sake of survival. She felt compelled, in defense of herself and of everyone she had thought of, to say, "The strongest people I've known are women."
"What? Oh, no," Nicky hurried to say, "I mean literally soft. Too many curves, see? I feel like my hands would slide right off. It's not my thing."
Nicky went on to explain his boyfriend, following Neil into her apartment as she scrounged together lunch. All of that, all of Erik Klose and Nicky still… what? Nicky had tried and failed to assault her. He was far from the first, and likely wouldn't be the last. It was something that happened to Neil. Something that she expected just as much as she expected attacks from her father or his people. Yet Nicky's logic was going directly against that. She didn't know what to think.
"My parents are kind of crazy, you know?" Nicky was saying when she tuned back in. "There's religious, and there's super psychotic religious. Me and Renee, we're the decent sort, I think. We go to different churches and have some different ideas, but we respect each other anyway. We understand that religion isn't just an interpretation of faith. My parents are the black and white crazy kind. It's only right and wrong with them: hellfire and damnation and judgment on high. For some reason, I decided to come out to them anyway. Mom was pretty upset. She locked herself in the bedroom and cried and prayed for days. Dad took a more direct route and shipped me off to Christian gay camp. I spent a year learning that I was infected by a disgusting idea from the devil, that I was a living test for every other good Christian on the planet. They tried using God to shame me into being straight, but it didn't work, obviously.
"For a while, I wished it did. I went home feeling like an abomination and a failure. I couldn't face my parents like that, so I lied. I pretended to be straight for the rest of high school, even dating and kissing a few girls, but used my faith as an excuse never to go past that. I couldn't live like that, though; I hated myself for it. Haflway through my junior year I started thinking about suicide, but then my German teacher took me aside and told me about a study abroad program. She would set it all up for me, she said, if my parents would sign off on it. She'd handle admissions and get a host family and everything. It was expensive, but she knew I was close to the edge, so it would be worth it. Mom and dad were so proud of me for my so-called recovery that they let me go my senior year. I was so desperate to get out of there that I didn't even really pay attention when Aaron and Aunt Tilda moved to Columbia that spring.
"All I cared about was keeping it together until May. Maybe I should've tried harder, but I would've been no good to him how I was. When the plane took off from Columbia, I was scared to death. I was so relieved to leave, but I didn't know if being in Germany would change anything. But, waiting at the airport to pick me up was my host brother, Erik Klose. He taught me to believe in myself. He showed me how to balance my faith and my sexuality, and he made me okay again. I know it sounds dramatic, but he saved my life."
Nicky flipped his hands over and laced his fingers together. The look he turned on Neil was as reassuring as it was worried, and made Neil want to run. "That's what love is about, see? That's why Exy isn't ever going to be enough, not for you, or Audrey, or anyone. It can't hold you up and it won't make you a stronger or better person."
Neil forced herself to take a deep breath. She wanted to lash out, to finally hurt Nicky like he had hurt her, but couldn't. Not when Nicky wouldn't even understand the damage he had wrought on her. She was angry at herself, too, to find that she was coming to forgive him. She wasn't half as angry as she had been, which was infuriating all on her own. Neil had survived on her anger against her attackers, but when she wanted it most, it wasn't there. Somehow, she was halfway past forgiving Nicky without even realizing it.
"Listen," Nicky was saying. "I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm not the dullest, either. I've figured out by now you've got all the trust issues of a stray tom cat. But sooner or later, you're going to have to let someone in. So, your turn. Why don't you like girls?"
Neil forced another breath in, and then a few more for good measure. "Nicky."
Nicky must have read something in her expression, finally, because his tone was solemn in comparison to what it had been. Again, Neil was angry to not be angry about that.
Neil thought about her mother's heavy fists on her skin, and her fingers knotting in her hair. She had told her time and time again that boys and girls alike were dangerous. They got inside someone's head, she said, got under their skin. They could make someone want to change the world starting with themselves, and they'd turn someone inside out and pull out all their secrets, if tied. Everyone might mean well, Mary said, but it would get them all killed in the end.
"I don't have an interest in anyone," Neil said, slowly. "I never have. Every single person who has taken an interest in me has taken much, much more than I wanted to give them. I never wanted it, and now I especially don't."
That seemed to have sucked all color from Nicky's face entirely. Neil hoped it was enough to send him away, to stop him from talking to her as much as he seemed to want to. Besides, Neil knew there could be a knife thrown in between them and it wouldn't affect their team too badly, not with how smooth their defense was, when Neil was already so far away on offense.
"Is that what you wanted to know?" Neil finally asked, when Nicky showed no sign of moving.
Nicky shook his head, and swallowed thickly. "I didn't realize– I…"
Neil waited, then finally said, "You should probably head back to your dorm, Nicky."
The conversation didn't leave her, though, humming in the back of her mind while she studied, and even louder when she watched Audrey and Renee at practice. They were standing together near the goal, talking, heads tilted slightly towards each other. Neil had stared for far too long, when she turned away. Nicky had talked about finding someone strong enough to support him, and finding that in Erik. Neil had one person strong enough to bear the weight of it all, and she was buried in a backpack. She wouldn't wish that on anyone else.
Except, she had already started sharing that burden, however unwillingly. She had divided her secrets between Kevin and Audrey, and more truth was spilling out of her every day, it seemed. She was left raw, and aching from it, heartbeat just under the skin and more alert than she had felt in months. Yet, everyone had taken the truth in their own ways. Kevin, of course, had reacted just how she had always expected to react, but the person she was becoming, the person that Neil never knew she had been under all the secrets and lies, was taking shape. Audrey had still given her the key, and had held her ground all the same.
It didn't count, though. Audrey was Audrey, and Neil was nothing more than a liar. She dragged her attention back to the task at hand, and vowed to never listen to Nicky again.
October, though, came like a slap.
Neil knew their match against the Ravens was coming up fast, but it startled her when she realized they were only a week out. Things had been progressing as usual, which shocked Neil to the core to realize she had a usual to begin with.
If the Foxes were having their typical season, the match might have drawn a little less attention, even with Kevin on their line. This year, however, they were at an unprecedented six-and-one record. The only game they'd lost was their opener against Breckenridge. They had won the next three games by nothing other than the skin of their teeth, but victories were victories no matter how they got them. The Foxes were pulling together and getting exponentially stronger a week at a time. No one expected them to win against the Ravens, but it was obvious they'd put up a spectacular fight.
The Foxhole Court didn't have enough seating to accommodate the crowd that the game was sure to draw, so the school sold discounted seats in the basketball stadium and promised to broadcast the game live on the scoreboard televisions there. Aside from that, the University suddenly found itself pulled together by the attention. Cleaning teams scrubbed the pond, the Fox decals on the roads outside of campus were repainted, groundskeepers trimmed every square inch of the sprawling campus, and banners were crammed anywhere that would fit them. Even the Vixens had week-long duties, Katelyn explained to Neil in one of their tutoring sessions that she had taken over from Owen completely.
The week was chaos for everyone but Neil, who had been given the express rule of staying out of a camera and to go nowhere near a microphone. That left her to head back to the dorms after class and practice, which was just fine with her.
Thursday was when Dan finally started to lose her cool. Subjected to awful treatment every year before this, for being a woman and for being a Fox, she clearly didn't know what to do when people rallied behind her. She kept a brave face in front of the cameras, but spent Thursday night in Matt's bed. Practices that week were suffocating, and most of the Foxes seemed especially sick with nerves by Friday. All except Audrey, of course, who was completely still, in an entirely different way than Kevin– who hadn't said a word for all of Friday's practice.
By early evening, Wymack had ordered them enough food to feed a small army. The Foxes sat in a circle to eat, but didn't speak. Only when they'd thrown their trash away did they finally look at each other. Dan pulled the Ravens' roster out and began going over it, but the Foxes knew them too well by now from watching old games and memorizing statistics, so there was no point in going over it again for tactics. The only chink in their armor was Kevin's absense.
Kevin tried explaining Raven synchrony earlier this week, but Neil almost wished she could forget the story. The tales of the Nest itself were worse, so Neil pushed them all aside to focus on the actual game. An hour out from serve, the stadium guards unlocked the gates and started letting people in. Neil thought she could feel the stadium shake beneath the weight of thousands of feet. She dressed to the distant rumble of excited voices, temporarily safe in the doors of her stall, then joined her team in the foyer. Wymack had the stick rack out already. Kevin opened the lids over his pair and threaded his fingers through the net.
"Can you do this, Kevin?" Abby asked, searching his face for any sign he was okay. She must not have found any, because she asked, "Can you play?"
"If I am breathing, I can play," Kevin said. "This is my game too."
"Words to live and die by," Wymack motioned for them to line up. "I expect a double digit score from my offense line. Kevin, you know their defense better than anyone else and they don't know how to face you right-handed, so run them into the ground. Neil, get at least five points or I'll have you running marathons every month until graduation.
Neil stared at him. "Five points?"
"You got four last week."
"We weren't playing Edgar Allan last week, Coach."
"Irrelavant," Wymack said with a jerk of his hand. "Five points or twenty-six miles. Do the math and decide which one makes you happier."
He didn't give Neil a chance to argue, but looked to Allison and Dan. "You ladies let offense drown if you have to, they aren't your concern. Your focus tonight is keeping the defense line afloat, get me? We know the Ravens are faster and bigger and better than us. We only have a chance so long as we can control their score. Defense, keep the strikers away from goal. Period, end of story. Audrey, for once in your miserable, moronic life play like you want us to win, would you?"
Audrey looked mildly amused, which Neil didn't find at all reassuring. The warning buzzer sounded over their heads, alerting them they were due in the inner court in a minute. Neil wasn't the only one who started when it went off and she was more than a little alarmed that Kevin had also jumped. Abby fixed him with an intense look that Kevin refused to return.
Wymack clapped his hands at his team until they fell in line. "Let's do this. The sooner we kill these bastards, the sooner we can get roaring drunk at Abby's place. I spent all damned morning stocking her fridge."
It wasn't exactly a vote of confidence, but it made most of the team smile, Nicky whooping a little in glee. There was no point pretending they weren't going to get completely slaughtered tonight. Wymack was offering them a chance to drink themselves to sleep so they wouldn't stay up all night stewing on their failure. Neil guessed that was better than nothing, even if it wouldn't help her at all.
Wymack pushed the door open. Dan threw her team a tight-lipped smile over her shoulder before leading them into the stadium. Neil couldn't see the stands until they were almost to the inner court, but the noise that crashed over her seemed twice as loud as it'd ever been. The roar escalated to screams when the Foxes finally stepped into view. The Vixens waved their pom-poms and bounced around in ecstatic greeting, and Neil saved only a moment to wave back at Katelyn.
Their stadium was almost swallowed up by the black of the Ravens' fans. Neil found herself missing the eyesore orange. The Orange Notes' fight song wasn't louder than the heavy drums of Edgar Allan's fight song, which chilled her to the bone with the memory of last time she had heard it on Kathy's show.
When the court doors slammed shut behind her after warmups, Neil found herself smiling. She was still alive. She was still alive to play this game, and to keep playing games in the future. She didn't have to leave before playing this, and she would keep playing all the way to semi-finals. She would play tonight, and she would play for the rest of the year.
That thought on her mind, she threw herself head-first into the game. She forgot everything but her feet pounding on the court floor, and of the sweat dripping into her eye. She lost track of how many times someone hit the ground, and how many yellow cards were dished out. With Audrey missing Riko's penalty shot by half an inch, the game's thin play at sportsmanship was torn away altogether. By the time Neil got elbowed in the face at the forty-four minute mark, every player on the court had a yellow card, and one Raven had been kicked off with a red card.
The referee who carded Johnson called Abby on the court when he saw the blood on Neil's face. Exy helmets had protective shields to cover the player's eyes and noses, but Johnson got under it with an upward swing. Neil's glovers were too bulky to do much more than smear the mess around, but Abby brought gauze with her. Her tight expression was at complete odds with how carefully she wiped her face. It was her fifth trip onto the court so far and she wasn't happy with how violent the game was getting.
"He could have broken your nose with a hit like that," Abby said as she dabbed her bloody upper lip.
"But he didn't," Neil said. "Can I play now?"
"The referees won't let you play if you're bleeding out of your face," Abby said, unrushed by her obvious patience. She curled her fingers around her chin, and tilted her head this way and that. Neil felt a trickle of blood and sniffed it back. The sour heat of it was a familiar burn on her tongue. Abby didn't look convinced, so Neil sniffed again. Finally she sighed and gave her helmet an encouraging pat.
"I'll check on you again in a minute," she said, and followed the referee of the court.
Everyone else was already set up for the penalty shot, so Neil took her place. The easy point was the last that the Foxes scored for the remaining minute of first-half. Neil looked back at the scoreboard as she followed her teammates into the locker room. They were standing at six-three, an amazing start considering who they were up against, but an impossible score to come back from.
Second half was only a downward tumble. The Foxes started on their second wind, but against the Ravens, it hardly meant anything. They were up against all fresh players, and nothing they could have done would pull them out of it.
The game ended at twelve-six: the most goals anyone had ever taken from Audrey, and the word point gap the Foxes had seen in three years. The stands' disappointed reaction was expected, and understandable, but Neil barely heard it through the buzzing in her ears. Neil's heart was pounding so violently she was sure it was beating bruises into her lungs. Every breath she managed to suck in knifed her throat open. The only strength she had left, she put into holding onto her racquet.
Neil wanted to cross the court to her team, but didn't trust herself to move. She and Kevin had just run two full halves against the Ravens' defense. She thought it was a miracle she was still standing. She felt her legs only in flashes. One second they were on fire, the next they were gone entirely. Neil looked down at her feet to make sure they were still there, and blinked shadows out of her eyes.
She looked up at the scoreboard. The Ravens had taken an incredible hundred and fifty shots on goal; it was unbelievable Audrey had only missed twelve of them. She looked back as Audrey took Kevin's hand, pulling him down to say something into his ear.
The court doors opened, and the subs flooded on. Abby and Wymack stepped into the doorway to watch their team. The subs were heading for the goal, obviously aiming for Kevin, so Neil took a couple unsteady steps in their direction. Neil, the last to the gathering, made it over just in time to hear Kevin say, "So, did you have fun?"
Audrey's eyes were hard, but she must have been too tired to put much heat into her words. "You are despicable, Kevin Day. I don't know why I keep you around."
"Foxes," Riko said, as the Ravens came up at their backs. All Foxes, save Kevin, turned to face him. "I admit I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I cannot thank you for the night's game because I can't call this debacle a game. I thought I knew what to expect when we came here tonight, but I am still embarrassed on your behalf. You have fallen so far, Kevin. You should have stayed down and saved us the trouble of forcing you back to your knees."
"I'm satisfied," Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him, who forgot to stare at Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. "Not with their score, or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more than enough here for me to work with."
More Ravens showed up just then, ready to speak, but Renee was ready. She cheered at Kevin's words, and threw herself into his arms. That elicited cheers from the rest of the upperclassmen and Nicky, who began throwing themselves at each other, and hollering loud enough to drown out any other complaints the Ravens might have had.
"Thanks for nothing," Dan said, facing the Ravens. "Twelve goals for you guys is downright pathetic. We're out of here."
The Foxes filed off the court to the shouts of a still-riled crowd. Wymack was speaking to a couple reporters, but he excused himself at their arrival. Renee wasn't waiting for him to catch up, though, both her and Kevin propelling each other directly into the locker room. The rest of the Foxes stayed behind a little longer, waving at the camera and the crowd. They had lost, but they were buoyed by Kevin's assessment, and their fans' unflagging support.
Wymack locked the door behind them, buying them a minute or two before the press came looking for comments. "When I told you this June you'd be facing Edgar Allan on your court, you said there was no way you could do it, but you faced them tonight and you didn't let them push you around. You took six points from the first-ranked team in the nation. You should be pretty fucking proud of yourselves right now."
"Proud of that mess?" Aaron asked, tired and annoyed. "We were destroyed."
"I'm just glad it's over," Nicky said. "They're terrifying."
"I'm proud," Allison said, earning a startled look from Nicky, and a half-smile from Wymack. She turned a condescending sneer on Aaron. "This is only your second season with us. I wouldn't expect you to understand what a game like this means."
Dan nodded. "Allison's right. Losing hurts, but it's not a total loss. Last year, we wouldn't have managed a single point against them. This is the strongest we've ever been, and we can only get better from here. Kevin already said it: when we meet the Ravens in semifinals, we're going to knock them down a peg or two."
"Well said," Wymack nodded. "Kevin, Neil?"
"Twenty-six miles?" Neil guessed.
"I've got something better in mind. Starting next week, everyone's finally back in their proper spots. If you two can run a full game against Edgar Allan, you're ready to take on the rest of the season alone. Everyone else: thank you for your patience and cooperation while Kevin and Neil adjusted. Renee especially– you've been a damned good sport this year. Welcome back to goal."
Dan's wild whoop drowned out Renee's more modest response. Matt gave Renee a triumphant hug, and Allison clapped a hand on Renee's shoulder in a quiet but fierce show of support. Neil wasn't sure she and Kevin wouldn't let the others down in the upcoming weeks, but she couldn't lean on her team forever. They'd spent half the season with a screwed-up lineup. She and Kevin had been playing longer stretches each week in preparation for tonight's game. Now it was time for them to take the offense line back and run with it.
"We'll go over details of tonight's game on Monday morning," Wymack said. "Meet here instead of at the gym. Dan and Kevin, you're on press. The rest of you stop yapping and wash up so we can drink. Make sure you take everything important home with you tonight. I have a cleaning crew coming in tomorrow to wash the Raven stench off our court. Let's get the hell out of here and get wasted."
They were exhausted, sore, and more than a little disappointed by their loss, but the Foxes left the stadium feeling like champions.
Notes:
changed the number of goals they scored from thirteen to twelve because while andrew is faster on meds, audrey isn't going through withdrawal. i've also been made aware that some people might want my info??? so here is my tumblr and my twitter and though i am active on both i am not particularly outgoing lol but if u message or ask me i will kick my feet and squeal before immediately responding i'm sure
Chapter 12: halloween
Notes:
perfectly timing the halloween chapter w the holiday bc i thought about it randomly and was like well hey i can post a day early. because of that, though, i am posting this on my phone so let me know if there are any issues with it
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
All nine foxes ended up sleeping at Abby's. Audrey's group took the rooms they must have stayed in during the summer, which left Neil to sleep on the assortment of blankets strewn about the couches and floor, next to Matt and Renee. Renee was the only other person who had stayed sober, and somehow, Neil found the smile she gave her before sleeping finally somewhat welcome.
The ragtag group cleared out of Abby's house before noon the next day. Neil made to follow Matt, but Audrey flicked her fingers at Neil, and not looking to be scolded again for ignoring instructions, she followed the cousins and Kevin to an early lunch. Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin were too hungover to eat much, pushing their food around their plates. Audrey was unsympathetic, polishing off all four slices of her stuffed french toast. She slid the bill towards Kevin, then drove them all to a party store fifteen minutes out from campus.
Halloween fell on a Tuesday that year, which meant Eden's Twilight was having an event the Friday before. Neil knew only because Nicky had been talking about it for over a week, but hadn't expected that she would have to go. For one, they had a game that Friday. For another, they were all too old to celebrate such a childish holiday. Audrey and Aaron were nineteen for another month, Kevin was twenty, and Nicky was twenty-three. Apparently Neil had overestimated their maturity levels.
"We're a little old for costumes, don't you think?" Neil asked as she climbed out of the car.
"It's bad form to go to a Halloween party without a costume, Neil," Nicky scolded. "Besides, the bartenders give out a free round to anyone who comes dressed up."
"I don't drink," Neil pointed out.
"Then give your shot to me, you stingy child," Nicky said. "Think of it this way: you should just be grateful that you're here with us in preparation for Edens, because otherwise you would have to go with the rest of the team, and think about how that would end up for you. I'm trying to save you from whatever horrible costume Allison could dream up for you. Come on."
That sparked something in Neil, a soft idea set to simmer as they made their way into the store. Neil passed rows of wigs, masks, and an entire shelf of face paint and gaudy makeup. The entire back half of the store was devoted to costumes. The five of them spread out between the racks to search. Neil doubted she would find anything, but she was curious about the holiday as a whole to look. She couldn't quite remember, but she didn't think she had been allowed to dress up as a kid. It seemed like something neither of her parents would have approved of. Now, she couldn't believe how many options there were, and on top of that, how many bordered on ridiculous.
"People don't really wear these, do they?" Neil asked after pushing aside a cereal box and a giant sponge. Nicky sent her a curious look, so Neil pulled a milk carton with a cutout for the wearer's face and a bold 'have you seen me?' printed beneath it.
"That's perfect for you," Audrey said, appearing out of nowhere.
Neil set the thing down and slipped back out of the way. Something uncomfortable itched at her, seeing the racks of small plastic bags, each promoting a different provocative costume for women. It wasn't the women themselves, Neil thought, but something similar. It was almost the way each of them was displaying their womanhood like that itself was the costume. The red and white cheerleader costume was a mockery of the real thing, of the bright orange that Katelyn and the rest of the Vixens wore, but again, Neil couldn't say why. She turned away from the display with flushed cheeks. When Nicky caught sight of her face, he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Neil grimaced.
Kevin pulled something long and dark off the rack closest to him and went up front to look at decorations. Audrey watched, making sure he didn't go far, and then went back to her search. Neil watched Audrey pick through the gender-neutral options until her phone hummed in her pocket. Neil pulled it out to find a message from Dan: "where u guys at". Neil tapped out the name of the store, and Dan responded almost immediately with a, "imprtnt txt when otw back".
Neil frowned down at the message. Maybe it was this and the combination of the women's costumes, or the idea that this whole thing had set off to begin with, but she thumbed a "Why?" and sent it in response. Dan didn't respond immediately, so she tucked her phone back in her pocket and looked up.
"We should invite the others to come with us," Neil said.
Nicky turned to stare at Neil. "What?"
"No," Aaron said. "We don't go out with them."
"We need them," Neil said, keeping her eyes on Audrey. Audrey hadn't slowed, but Neil knew she was listening. "Talent alone won't get us to semifinals. If that was enough, you would have made it last year. You have to stop breaking this team in half."
"Don't have to do anything," Audrey said.
"I'm not asking you to be their friend," Neil said. "I'm asking you to give an inch."
"Give them an inch and they'll take a mile," Aaron said.
"You really think they're strong enough to take a mile from Audrey? You think she would let them?" Neil shook her head when Aaron began to argue again. "Kevin told Riko we'd see them again at semifinals. I'd like us to get our act together before that rematch, wouldn't you? We can't do that until we respect and understand each other. We might as well start now, with this."
"I doubt they'd agree, even if we invited them," Nicky said. "We kind of burned that bridge last year."
"You mean Matt," Neil said, looking between the three. Nicky's gaze shied away, so Neil looked at Audrey again. "Abby mentioned it my first night here, and you said speedballs but you didn't say what else. But, when the upperclassmen were yelling at you last time I went, you said it was different, so what happened with Matt?"
"Ask him," Audrey said.
Neil shook her head. "He already told me. I'm asking you."
"Then it seems like you already know," Audrey said. She slung a striped inmate's outfit over one shoulder and detoured past Neil on her way to the front of the store. When Neil started to argue, Audrey hooked a finger under her chin and forced her mouth closed again with an easy jerk of her hand. "Tell the busybodies to come along if they dare."
Nicky's jaw dropped. "Wait, are you serious?"
Audrey continued like she hadn't heard Nicky. "It won't make a difference in the long run, but find that one out for yourself."
Aaron and Nicky exchanged a baffled look as Audrey left. Nicky tilted his head in silent question, as if making sure he hadn't imagined it. Aaron only shook his head. Nicky rubbed the back of his neck, looked after Audrey one more time, and went back to his search. Neil didn't know what to make of Audrey's easy agreement either, but she wasn't going to question it.
The others found their costumes long before Neil chose anything. It didn't take long for Nicky to realize she was stalling, so she batted Neil's hands away from the rack with a heavy sigh. A few minutes later, all their costumes ended up as a heap on the register. Neil tried to pay, but was kicked in the shins for it. When they were back in the car and Neil was sure they were heading back to campus, she texted Dan a ten-minute warning.
She must not have seen her last text, but the new message spurred her into responding, "the same cop guy or whtvr is here 4 audrey". Neil blinked down at the message, then held her phone out across the console for Audrey to read while they stopped at a red light. Audrey's hands tightened on the steering until all the blood had drained from them.
"Do you want me to respond?" Neil asked.
"I doubt our dear captain would do anything I asked of her right now," Audrey said, and the expression on her face was as close to a sneer as Neil had ever seen. "Not if she thinks this will affect her team."
That was the only thing said. When they made it up to their floor of Fox Tower, there was indeed a man waiting for them. Neil would have pinned him as a cop, with or without the warning. The stranger was dressed in jeans and casual button-up shirt, but he had a cop's swagger as he approached them. Dan shut the door to the girls' dorm, and lifted her voice in greeting, "This is Officer Higgins of the Oakland PD."
"Whoa." Nicky held up his hands like he could ward Higgins off. "Wait. Oakland as in California, right? You are way out of your jurisdiction."
Higgins' mouth twitched into a half-smile that didn't reassure any of them. I'm not here on official business. Not yet, anyway. I just want to talk to Audrey where she can't hang up on me. It's important. She here?"
The officer's gaze flicked between the two twins. Neil's stomach tightened, feeling something close to protection. Nicky must have felt it too, because he shifted like he wanted to throw himself between Higgins and his cousins, but he hesitated too long. Audrey, though, stepped forward placidly, face blank.
"I told you not to bother me."
"You said not to call you," Higgins said. "Just give me a few minutes, won't you, for old times' sake? I came all the way out here to see you. Doesn't that get me any sort of consideration?"
Audrey shook her head. "No, you came on a witch hunt I already said I wouldn't help you with. Give me one good reason not to cut your throat."
Dan hissed under her breath, but Higgins looked completely unfazed by the threat. "I was wrong. I know that now. The investigation on him turned up nothing."
"I warned you," Audrey said, unsympathetic.
Higgins held out a hand like all five of them were wild animals. "We were looking at the wrong person, weren't we? I think I've got it right this time, but I can't do anything without a complaining witness. The other kids won't speak up. They don't trust me that much. You're all I've got."
He hadn't seemed to notice that Audrey's eyes had narrowed dangerously. Neil felt her skin prickle as Audrey said, "Kids? Kids, plural? You mentioned one last time. How many has she had?"
"You wouldn't care about the number unless there really was something there for me to find," Higgins said, quiet and accusing. "Just a yes or no, Audrey, that's all I want. That's all I need right now. I'll give you a name, you'll give me an answer, and I promise I'll go away."
"You promise," Audrey said, and the side of her mouth twitched up in a brutal smile. "You'll break that promise in a week, Pig. That's why you're here. You already broke my last promise. Don't pretend otherwise. Do I have to walk you out to make sure you leave, or will you–"
"Drake," Higgins said.
Audrey shut up. Higgins stretched his hand out further, bracing for a violent reaction, and stared down at Audrey as he waited. Audrey was silent, but not for long. Not with the expression so sharp it was carving into each of them.
"How many kids, Pig?"
"Six, since you."
Audrey turned around, shoving past Kevin on her way to the stairs. Higgins tried to stride after her, but Neil moved in his path. Aaron had, too, which left them nearly shoulder to shoulder while being stared down by the cop.
"Kids, please," the cop said, and forced a smile. "I need to–"
"I think you've done enough," Neil said, and let her father's smile stretch across her face. "You need to leave right now, or we'll call campus security."
"You don't understand."
"I think we do," Aaron said, cold and cutting. "We've all heard enough and this is private property. Off-duty or not, don't come back until you have a warrant."
Higgins floundered for a few embarrassingly long seconds before turning back around to the elevator. The doors finally slid shut, and Dan turned on them. "You said this wasn't going to be a problem."
Nicky sent her a helpless look. "I said if it was, Audrey would handle it."
"This is handling it?" Dan demanded. "Who's Drake?"
"Actually, Dan," Neil cut in, the rage from a moment ago not having faded. "It would have been fine until you brought a police officer into the building. A white one, mind you. You of all people should know the bias they're going to hold against half the team. And you know what, your bias against Audrey and her cousins is frankly disgusting. How can you call yourself our captain when you side with a police officer over your own teammate?"
"Neil, I–"
Whatever defense she was going to give cut off when Audrey reappeared, an unlit cigarette pinched between her fingers. She gave them one unimpressed eyebrow before moving past all of them.
Dan stepped in front of the cousins' door before Audrey could disappear inside. Audrey obediently stopped in front of her, but she wrapped her fingers around Dan's upper arms. It was a clear warning: she wouldn't hesitate to throw Dan out of her way if she didn't move fast enough. Dan tensed but held her ground.
"Why are the police looking for you?"
Audrey tilted up towards her, expression back to the same flat apathy. "Didn't you hear? The pig is too incompetent on his own case without help. Don't try to make this your business. I won't let you."
"Don't let it interfere with my team and I won't have to." Dan stepped aside, then asked, "Do you need Renee?"
"I don't need anyone," Audrey said before slamming the dorm door shut behind her. The rest of her group filed in behind her, and once Kevin made it in last, there was the sound of the lock clicking firmly into place.
Dan turned on Neil, hands on her hips but face clouded, and Neil shook her head.
"Neil, come on."
"Don't even talk to me," Neil said, and went into her own dorm.
Neil opened her backpack, trying to busy herself with homework, but couldn't focus. She could only replay the expressions on Audrey's face out in the hall. She had asked about Higgins' phone call a couple weeks ago, and had gotten enough to know that hopefully Child Services would be focused on the right man. It had to be a big case; Higgins must be desperate if he'd crossed the country for a lead. Audrey had suffered a bad enough reaction just to hearing the name, though.
Would she do the same? If an officer that she was peripherally familiar with came to her to ask questions about Romero Malcolm, how would she react?
Neil's stomach churned at the thought. It only made her more angry at Dan.
She showered, not having gotten the chance since after the game, and took her time sitting on the closed toilet seat with her breasts exposed. Maybe that was why the costumes had bothered her so much: their femininity became part of the costume. It would be something Neil was never allowed, and could never have. It didn't feel genuine in any sense, but especially not when the things so prominently displayed in the costumes were the things Neil tried so hard to hide. Her mind felt twisted, almost dizzy like it got every time she thought too hard about this topic.
She was too vulnerable today. She wanted to curl into her sheets and feel the safety of a gun tucked under her pillow.
It was because of that confusion that she didn't know how fast time was slipping by until Matt knocked on the bathroom door.
"Hey, man," he said, voice muffled through the wood. "I don't know if you don't want to talk to me right now, which is cool if so, but I brought you a sandwich."
Neil scrambled to grab a hoodie, tugging it on and folding her arms over her chest before she flung the door open. Both her and Matt flinched back from the force she used. She took the sandwich.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome. Dan wants to say that she's sorry."
"It's not me she has to apologize to," Neil said, but there wasn't much fight left in her anymore. She leaned against the door frame. "I'm not mad at you, but I think you should probably stay with Dan tonight."
Matt nodded, and Neil wondered if she should feel guilty for lying. Well, not lying, but exploiting Matt's guilt so she could sleep alone. Matt turned to go, and Neil suddenly remembered to call after him.
"Before I forget," Neil said, "Audrey said I could invite you to the Halloween party at Eden's Twilight. It's on the twenty-seventh."
His mouth dropped open, so stunned that it took him a few seconds to snap out of it. "Just me, or the girls too?"
"The girls," Neil nodded. "Audrey doesn't think you'll come, but she says it's okay if you do. I know we've got a game that night, but it's a home game, so we should get to Columbia a bit after ten. Will you come?"
"I will. I'll have to ask the girls, but I would bet on Allison going. Probably Renee for sure too."
"She implied that you would be the harder party to convince," Neil said."Audrey seemed almost worried, I guess. As close as she gets to that."
"Probably just about my sobriety. I won't touch anything, though, so she doesn't have to worry. It won't be anything like last year for me, and especially if I've got Dan there. I'm clean for good and I feel better than ever."
Neil was starting to rethink just how apathetic Audrey supposedly was about Aaron's life, if the real reason she was hesitant about the upperclassmen tagging along was for Aaron's sake. Neil needed more time to figure out how to feel about this all, but it wasn't her life. She settled on, "it's your fight."
Matt smiled in gratitude for the understanding. "We'll have to pick up some costumes this week if we're going with you. We wait much longer and all the good ones will be gone. What did you all end up getting, so we don't double up?"
She tried to think back, but just ended up shrugging. "I don't know. I'll ask."
"Sounds good."
Matt grabbed a few things from around the dorm before heading back to Dan's. She locked the door after him and ate her sandwich. Neil, for the first time in years, didn't bind her chest. Not even the coverage of her shirt and sweatshirt combination was enough to dull the fluttering in her stomach. With the door firmly locked and tucked safely in her bed, Neil found herself oddly content.
That warm feeling didn't leave when she woke up, either. It slowly ebbed out, not pushed or shoved away, but simply continuing throughout the week. It lasted until the weekend.
Having nine people along on a Friday night meant Audrey had to make an actual reservation at Sweetie's, no matter that they got there past ten-thirty. A small crowd of people were waiting at the hostess stand, but the L-shaped corner booth was marked with a reservation placard. The booth was technically intended for eight people, not nine in costumes, but it helped that the twins were pint-sixed. The Foxes squished thigh-to-thigh and poured over menus.
Usually, Audrey's lot settled for ice cream and cracker dust, but it'd been six hours since any of them had eaten and they had a long night ahead of them. Dinner was also the safest icebreaker any of them could think of. The Foxes had never socialized en masse outside of team events and practices. They weren't really sure what to do with each other when Exy wasn't involved.
Aaron and Audrey did nothing to make the night easier on anyone. Aaron refused to speak to any of the upperclassmen or Neil, even when one of them said something directly to him, and radiated quiet anger from his spot between Nicky and Neil. Neil found it equal parts aggravating and interesting. Aaron didn't have a serious problem with his teammates on the court, so Neil couldn't understand why he was so against this.
It would have been the most awkward dinner in the history of the world if not for Nicky. Nicky hated how isolated the twins were and was desperate to make friends with the rest of the team. It was as if he'd developed a sudden allergy to silence. Anytime the conversation started to slow, he threw out another topic to salvage it. Renee, Dan, and Matt were happy to play along, but Allison and Kevin were slower to get involved. Neil preferred to stay out of it so she could watch the way they interacted, but since this was her idea, she felt obligated to help Nicky out when she could.
They were working on dessert when Neil finally gave up trying for the conversation. Nicky had asked about a recent movie that sparked too much debate. Neil let the words go in one ear and out the other. She wondered what her chances were for getting more answers out of Audrey through their game that night. The only other distraction that came was Audrey pulling out her vibrating phone. The last thing Neil expected was the way her expression seemed to soften.
Audrey's eyes flicked up to Neil's. Caught, Neil saw no point in denying it and instead just raised an eyebrow. Audrey flipped her screen around, showing Neil a grainy picture of Betsy Dobson wearing a bee costume. Nicky also looked at it, and started laughing and passed the picture around the table. Audrey typed out a response as soon as the phone was back in her palm.
"She's with Coach?" Dan asked.
"Coach and Abby," Audrey said without looking up.
"Why is she messaging you?" Neil asked.
"She does that sometimes."
She didn't sound bothered by it. Neil didn't understand. She knew Audrey had mandatory weekly sessions with her, but she assumed someone like Audrey would resent counseling. "Why do you let her?"
Dan looked startled. "What do you have against Betsy?"
"It's not her, it's that she's a psychiatrist," Neil said. "I don't mind her I just distrust her."
"Give her a chance," Matt said. "She's good people."
"She's pretty badass, you mean," Nicky chipped in. "I was really worried when we all went for our first meet-and-green. Audrey goes through shrinks like she's trying to break a world record that only she knows about. Betsy's her eighth one at least."
"Thirteenth," Audrey said, and then almost unwillingly added, "she made sure to ask me if I was superstitious."
"Some insane number," Nicky said. "But when Audrey waltzed out of her office at the end of her first session, she was right on her heels and completely unfazed. Pretty impressive, right?"
"No," Neil said.
Nicky sighed. "Eat your ice cream, jerk."
Neil fought the urge to roll her eyes. When they left, Audrey brought the stack of napkins that must have been concealing their cracker dust packs. Audrey waited for Neil to get in the passenger seat, then dumped the stack in her lap. Neil gave her a confused look, but she just snapped her fingers. "Sort it out."
The bouncer on duty looked a little confused by how many people Audrey had with her, but he waved them through without question. Audrey pushed open a second set of doors and led them into the club. It took work to find a table through the crowd, and the only one they found only had two stools left. Audrey shrugged it off as inconsequential, since chances were most of the Foxes would end up on the dance floor anyway. She left most of her teammates to guard the table and dragged Neil through the crowd toward the bar for their first round.
It took Ross a couple minutes to work her way to them. Like Nicky had said, all costumes got a shot, so Audrey gestured over her shoulder to their table. Ross peered through the crowd until she spotted them. Her eyebrows went up when she saw three unfamiliar faces with Kevin and Aaron.
"All grown up and making friends?" she asked. "Never thought I'd see the day."
"I'll tip you double if you never say such stupid shit again."
Ross grinned, did another headcount when Matt and Nicky joined the table, then began setting up a tray for them. She didn't ask what they wanted; she knew the cousins' tastes by now and could easily throw in a couple of the bar's more popular concoctions for the upperclassmen. Ross didn't just stop at one for everyone, though, she mixed close to twenty.
"How many DDs?"
"Just two," Audrey said.
Roland added two cans of soda to the tray and slid it across the counter to Audrey. Neil led the way back through the crowd and made room for Audrey as she went. Audrey got the drinks to the table without spilling a drop. She passed one soda to Renee and left the other for Neil. The upperclassmen looked vaguely impressed by the amount of drinks Audrey had procured for them, but it took them no time at all to clear the tray completely. Audrey cleared the mess away, and this time, Renee followed her to the bar.
Neil tuned out the rest of the conversation until Audrey was back. The arrival of more drinks slowed the conversation, but it was the packets of cracker dust that Neil obligingly pulled out of her pockets when Audrey motioned for them that completely derailed it.
Matt, Renee, and Neil abstained. Audrey divvied up the rest, keeping more to tuck in her pocket. Dan took only one packet and dumped half of it into a drink near Allison's elbow. Nicky counted down from three and they knocked the dust back as a group. They raced each other through their third and fourth rounds of drinks before heading for the dance floor. Renee promised Allison she'd join them as soon as she finished her soda, and stayed behind with Audrey, Neil, and Kevin.
Audrey stacked the empty cups on her tray and left again. Neil curiously noticed that she hadn't had any of the dust. She wouldn't need help that time, since she was only getting enough drinks for herself and Kevin, but Neil followed after her anyway. She had to shove past two drunks in lopsided carnival masks to reach the bar counter, and she squeezed into the small space at Audrey's side. Audrey pushed the tray across the counter for Ross to retrieve when she had a minute, then slanted a look at Neil.
"Stop hiding. This was your idea; deal with the consequences."
"It's not that easy," Neil said.
Explaining her discomfort wasn't any easier, so she said nothing else. Audrey had promised to watch her back until May, but had never said she fully agreed to break that deal. Neil hoped she would, but the further they got from the night they had discussed it, the more she knew she would have to remind Audrey. Audrey assumed Neil could graduate from Palmetto as long as she played her cards right with Kevin. Neil hadn't yet told her that plans had changed, which made it hard to say why tonight was making her unhappy.
Finally, she fell back to the half-truth shared in Audrey's car that summer. "I've never been in a position where I could get to know people. I know I have to let them in if we're going to make it through the season, but it'd be easier if they were just names and faces. How have you stayed disconnected for so long?"
"They're not interesting enough to keep my attention."
"Kevin is. So is your brother, apparently." Neil wasn't surprised when Audrey didn't acknowledge either accusation. "What about Renee?"
"What about her?"
"She's not interesting?"
"She's useful."
Neil snorted. "I assume she told you that I was passable."
"She did. She didn't say anything else about it, though, and I hate to have to ask. I wonder why?"
"Maybe it's because she knows you only think she's useful."
"You expected a different answer?"
"Maybe," Neil said, and hesitated when Ross finally showed up. The bartender only stayed long enough to get their tray before leaving again. Neil looked back at Audrey and wondered at the cool look on her face, but didn't have long before Audrey cut her off.
"I wonder if you got everything you wanted out of your little chat."
"With Renee?" Audrey didn't nod, but her silence was confirmation enough. Neil shrugged. "It makes sense now. I don't think we'll ever be friends like you two are, but I can stop avoiding her."
"And?"
Her tone was carefully flat, but Neil didn't understand why she was asking at all. She rewound through her conversation with Renee, wondering what Audrey could be alluding to at all. Neil came up empty, then shrugged again. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"You're not talkative now, but you sure had questions for Renee."
"Yeah, that you said she could answer. You told her you knew what I would ask about. You can't be mad at me or her after you gave her permission to answer anything I asked."
"Oh, but you took it and ran."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Audrey clenched her jaw, then flicked her eyes away before looking back. "What happened to you not swinging?"
Neil's thoughts came to a screeching halt. "What?"
She didn't answer, so Neil tried to pick apart why on earth she was asking about that. Slowly, she said, "I'm not into Renee, if that's what you're asking. I'm not suddenly ditching it, if that's what you're thinking either. I'm not into anyone because, like I said, I don't swing."
"Yet you and Nicky now seem like you're getting along great. Do you just have a hard-on for everyone who's nice to you?"
Neil flinched back as if slapped. What? How dare Audrey of all people bring that up? It was more than rubbing salt in the wound, it was Audrey being needlessly cruel.
There was nothing for Neil to say to that, so she pushed hard away from the bar. She didn't look back as she pushed through the bustle and shove of the other people until she was out the same door that spat her out into the alley.
At least the cool air soothed something in her. Neil sat on the cement step and sucked in the late October air like it was water.
There were no stars visible.
She didn't know if it was the light pollution of the city, or if there was too much cloud cover that she couldn't see, but there were no stars to be found. After looking extensively and finding none, she let her head thunk against the door, and shut her eyes.
Neil wanted to play Exy, she reminded herself. If they didn't make it into their district's top four, then they wouldn't continue. They wouldn't have any other games after December. Neil couldn't let that happen. If she only had until May, she would make sure they played as long as they could. Kevin and her both agreed for semi-finals.
It took up a place as a comforting mantra in her head; to get to semi-finals, they had to start acting like a team. For that, Neil could bear the night. She could handle any more cutting words that Audrey and Kevin threw at her. She had her Foxes now that would support her to the best they knew how.
Neil allowed a few more deep breaths before going back inside. The overheated temperature and humidity of the club met her with the force of a wall as she came through the hallway back into the larger space. She wanted to get back to the comfort of the table, but when she saw it only housed Audrey and Kevin, she didn't bother making her way any further, instead finding her way to the second level.
It wasn't any quieter up there, but there was none of the sweaty throng. There was a railing overlooking the dance floor that she went to. The metal bars were sticky with sweat or spilled liquor, but she folded her arms across them and looked at the jumping mass below.
It'd be hard to spot her teammates on a good day. With the lights flashing overhead and everyone in costumes it was impossible. That smear of red might be Renee's Red Riding Hood cloak, and the silver that kept sparkling like sequins was probably Nicky's space cadet uniform, but there was no way to be sure. She had to trust that they were all there, safe, and having fun. She was content to watch and imagine.
Hopefully this night would be a huge step in the right direction.
Neil was at the perfect vantage point to watch Audrey slowly spot her. The white stripes of her prisoner jumpsuit were illuminated purple, first, then green when the light strobed over her. In the dark, Neil couldn't be sure, but she got the sense Audrey had been searching for her for a while. She stood, said something to Kevin, and then slipped away from the table.
Neil wasn't surprised when a few minutes later, Audrey took up a position next to her.
"I thought you might have done your thing and rabbitted away," were her first words.
Neil tugged on her apathy she had just fought for in the alley outside. Apathy was Audrey's best tool, and her best shield, so Neil tried it on while Audrey scanned her face for whatever she must have been looking for. Neil, though, couldn't help a little of her disdain creep through.
"After being accused of liking the advances of someone who tried to rape me?"
Audrey shot her an unreadable stare. "Sometimes you're interesting enough to keep around. Other times you're so astoundingly stupid I can barely stand the sight of you."
"For listening to the words that come out of your mouth? You know, actually, you might be right, because you don't make any sense. You were the one that drugged me, touched me, and forced me into a dangerous situation all without my consent."
"I never touched you," Audrey snapped.
"It sure wasn't Aaron that climbed on my lap and held me down." When Audrey had nothing to say to that, she pushed on. "Stop pretending you're doing this all out of the goodness of your heart. You aren't better than anyone else who has done all that to me before just because you were acting out of some misplaced idea of protection. I am just teammates with Nicky, and only because he apologized and is actively working for my forgiveness. You have just been ignoring me, like if you do it for long enough I'll suddenly forget what you did. I haven't with any of the others who have touched me or hurt me before, and I won't for you. When I said I don't swing, I meant it. I don't know why you're so hung up on it, or why you think it's impossible that I'm not apparently lusting and drooling over every person I've ever laid eyes on."
Audrey, predictably, said nothing. Neil looked back to the crowd and huffed a sigh. She was tired. She was so, so tired. She wanted to go back to the dorms and shower off tonight. She wanted to lay in her bed without any tape on her chest and sleep without the fear of dying the next day.
"Ask me a question."
Neil turned to look at Audrey again but she didn't look back, and didn't repeat herself. Neil eventually said, "What, you want me to use my turn early?"
"Ask me a question, and then you can have your turn after."
"Two questions?"
Audrey nodded. For someone who didn't believe in regret, it sure sounded like an apology. Or maybe Neil had given too much away for free, and Audrey wanted to make them equal. Either way was stupid, but Audrey didn't seem in a good enough mood to hear that. It was her own fault, Neil wanted to point out, but that would only dig herself deeper.
Neil tilted her head back and examined the ceiling. She wanted more information about Audrey's deal with Kevin, but that could be gotten out of Kevin, if she played her cards correctly. She thought back to earlier in the night. She now knew what kind of relationship Audrey and Renee had, but…
"Why do you trust Betsy?"
Audrey's expression when she turned to face Neil was indecipherable, but she at least considered the question. Her fingers flicked, maybe thinking of a cigarette. Her words were slow, and just barely audible to Neil over the blaring bass.
"She doesn't expect anything other than what I can give her, even if that's nothing. When that's nothing," she corrected, then added, "I'll keep seeing her even after my court mandate is over."
"You're mandated to see her?"
"Is that your second question?"
Neil thought about it, then shook her head. She thought of the articles she had managed to find online at Millport's school computers. Of everyone's various opinions on Kevin Day's new sidekick and her violent history of juvenile detention and of nearly killing four men outside that very night club. "My question is how you managed to get out of a harsher punishment than court mandated therapy."
"Therapy and a hundred hours of community service."Audrey gave a slight shake of her head right back. It was clearly not a refusal, but Neil didn't know what it was. "Luther Hemmick was asked to testify against me as a character witness for the prosecution. He got distracted giving a long winded rant about how poor of a guardian Nicky probably was. That worked pretty well to support the fact that my home life wasn't anything good. That, my character witness, and the jury spending the entire trial looking at a five foot nothing seventeen year old blond girl who wore a pink dress did the trick. Apparently they couldn't connect me with the assault in their minds."
"If it was Nicky's guardianship that was attacked, how did you end up staying in his care?"
"They began the process," Audrey said flippantly. "They didn't get far. Aaron and I suddenly had nothing but wonderful things to say about Nicky to our assigned caseworker, and we turned eighteen that November anyway. It was out of their control."
Neil's mouth twitched up. "You wore a pink dress?"
"It was Nicky's idea."
"A pink dress doesn't have the power to erase how broad your shoulders are."
Audrey seemed to consider, then said, "Ruffle sleeves did."
Neil resisted the urge to smile outright, then shook her head. "Ask your question."
Audrey chewed on the words before eventually saying, "Aaron would want me to ask why you're spending so much time with the cheerleader."
Neil blinked. "Who? Katelyn?"
Audrey didn't deign that with a response, so Neil asked, "Is that your actual question?"
She gave a stony, "yes," so Neil thought through it.
"I'm just trying to understand everything that I've missed out on," she said slowly, trying to push the jealousy of the Vixens away. "I don't know what any of it's like, and I only get to see these glimpses of normalcy. It's not that I want that for myself, but I just… it's interesting. I'm just trying to understand. I find their humanity interesting."
"Is that why you've suddenly become so obsessed with cozying up to her?"
Neil blinked. "She's my tutor for Japanese. If you're talking about the banquet bus ride, she had asked if we could practice more. I don't know why Aaron thinks I'm trying to steal his girlfriend, or whatever, because if he just asked her then she would tell him the truth. Is it my turn?"
Audrey flicked her fingers, then must have misconstrued Neil's silence while she thought, because she nodded.
"Nicky says you won't let any girl get close to Aaron because you hate to see him happy. What's the real reason?"
"We have a deal. It doesn't leave any room for cheerleaders, or any of his drug-dealing friends in high school."
"And even though he's sneaking around and not official with Katelyn," Neil pieced together, "Aaron is in direct violation of that deal? Or will be, if he decides Katelyn should be his girlfriend."
Her face shuttered, then closed altogether. "He's in direct violation of the deal already."
"Then adjust the parameters of the deal. You did it for me."
Audrey's jaw clenched, but that time was hard enough that Neil was worried for the state of her teeth. "You had already proven that you had and would continue to hold your side of the deal. Aaron had already failed at that. Don't ask me about this again."
Neil watched as Audrey stalked off. Her pale hair was visible in snatches of flashing lights her entire way back to the table. Neil felt remarkably calm after that conversation with Audrey. It ending in anger with one of them seemed par for the course by now, and Neil was just grateful that it wasn't her that time. It left her filled with more questions that she would have to find different means for answers.
Spotting the Foxes was still a hard task, but she eventually was pretty sure she had caught sight of Dan and Matt's tunics, and a flash of Allison's hair. She had to trust that they were all there, safe and having fun. She was content to watch and imagine. She was content in the knowledge that they had a real chance at semi-finals.
She was lonely, too. But there was nothing she could do about that.
The Foxes stayed there until close. Halfway through the night, Matt managed to find Neil and wheedled a promise out that she would drive Matt and Dan back to the dorms since she was staying sober and Renee would drive Allison's car back. It was peaceful. Not just because of the crazy shocks Matt's terrifying truck evidently had, but there was something too peaceful about Matt and Dan's breath while they slept on top of each other in the back seat.
Driving had always been something to do under duress. Mary had taught Neil to drive before they had even left England, and she got the worst hands on experience of her life their first few months back in the states. Mary was a hard teacher and an even harder passenger. Too many times one of them had been bleeding out in the backseat while the other was forced to drive too many stolen vehicles to count. Punishments while she was driving were always necessary, but were hard and frequent. Driving was too much of a risk to mess up when one crash would mean all their years of running were for nothing.
The first few times Neil checked the truck's rear view mirror, she expected to see her mother bleeding out. Once the knowledge that it was just Dan and Matt sunk in fully, it brought a peacefulness that overwhelmed her. They were safe, and they would stay that way. Nothing was a threat to them at that moment, or that entire drive. That fact overwhelmed Neil until she found herself smiling.
At the Tower, they both wound up sleepily piling into the girls' room. Neil found herself once again alone in their suite. If that had the added benefit of sleeping once more without binding her chest and massaging the horribly sore tenderness away until she fell asleep, then only she had to know.
Notes:
neil is not slut shaming slutty costumes lol she’s just confused and doesn’t know how to rationalize how she feels inside with how others display it externally. i am not slut shaming either. i am, in fact, wearing a slutty butterfly costume as i type this. wear whatever idc
also audrey :( she’s trying to make sure that neil knows she’s off limits since she can’t figure out neil’s motivation otherwise. the only thing men (except kevin lol) have ever wanted from her is her body and can’t understand that neil is just a freak for exy but she’s also just. not very nice. i fear that one is canon so. please. like. she’s my friend.
Chapter 13: the hemmicks
Notes:
early post bc i'm writing tkm rn and it makes me insane. in a bad way. ugh. trigger warnings for this chapter include drake, blood, discussion of csa, violence, silliness, homophobia, bible quotes, concussion and following poor narration (neil doesn't realize though bc she's an idiot) and transphobia. neil doesn't recognize it for what it is, because again, see: idiocy :P. not nearly as gruesome as canon, never fear, i didn't have the heart for it when it comes to andrew/audrey. sorry if you saw this right when i posted i am mildly high right now so some of it was in present tense. i'll look it back over again for anything i missed tomorrow but if you find any just lmk
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil was an unwilling victim to the fact that it was the twins' birthday. Katelyn was bad enough, trying to bounce ideas for gifts off of Neil any time she got distracted from their work. Halfway through their tutoring session, the assignment Neil was working on finally seemed to catch her attention, thankfully, and they didn't discuss Aaron after that. Neil thought she was free until Nicky stormed their dorm room that night, and remembered very quickly that Katelyn wasn't half bad in comparison.
"Neil," Nicky said, like her name was some sort of prayer. "Oh, thank god. Help."
Neil, who had been eating lunch while sitting next to Matt, tried not to flinch back. Matt scrambled for the remote to pause their movie. "What the hell? You all right?"
"I'm two seconds away from being dead," Nicky said. "Mom just called to wish Audrey and Aaron a happy birthday."
"And that's a bad thing?" Matt asked.
Nicky gaped at him, but surprise quickly washed away his disbelief. He rubbed the back of his neck in obvious discomfort. Neil expected him to laugh it off. The cousins' first response to personal problems was to close ranks against the upperclassmen. Nicky might not like it, but he'd done it time and time again throughout the season. It caught both Neil and Matt off-guard when Nicky actually answered.
"Uh, yeah," he hedged. "We don't really talk to my family, you know? Dad hasn't said a word to me since he found out Erik's more than just my best friend. Mom calls on Christmas to see if I've returned to God and disconnects when I tell her no. I don't think Aaron's spoken to them since Aunt Tilda's funeral, and Audrey avoids them like they're a contagious disease. She and Dad didn't hit it off too well when they met at juvie."
"It couldn't have gone that badly," Matt said, "I mean, your dad supported her early release, right?"
"Yes," Nicky fidgeted, "But."
"Why did she call you really?" Neil finally asked.
"To invite us home for Thanksgiving dinner."
"And?"
"And I hung up on her!" Nicky flailed at her. "What else was I supposed to do? I couldn't tell her no, could I?"
"You were supposed to say yes," Matt said. "What the hell, Nicky?"
"It's not that easy," Nicky said, sounding miserable. "Offer's contingent on Audrey and Aaron going, too. Mom made that clear. There's no way Audrey or Aaron will agree."
"You never know until you try," Matt said.
"I don't think you understand how much Audrey hates my parents," Nicky said.
"So, what am I supposed to do?" Neil asked.
"Be moral support and back-up," Nicky said. "If I go to Audrey with this, she'll either laugh me off or pretend she didn't hear me. But she listens to you, right? I mean, you talked her into a team party. Maybe you can talk her into a family dinner, somehow."
"I didn't talk her into anything," Neil pointed out. "I said it was the smart thing to do and she agreed. This is more complicated, and I shouldn't have a say in it. I could tell her it's obviously important to you to patch things up with your parents, but you and I both know how she'll probably react to that."
Nicky looked crestfallen, but rallied with a weak, "I grew up in that house, but Dad hasn't let me set foot in it since I came out. I know they think I'm a heathen doomed to burn for eternity, and I know I should give up on them, but I can't. Maybe this call means they're coming around. I have to know. Please, Neil? I want my mom back. I miss her more than you know."
Neil swallowed hard against the burning knot in her throat. This wasn't her family. It wasn't her problem. It wasn't her mother. Neil's mother was ashes and bones buried in a backpack on a California beach. She was gone forever. Neil would never hear her voice again, and would never get another phone call from her. She'd never sit her down and explain why she had run, or apologize for hiding her connection to the Moriyamas. She'd never watch Neil play with the Foxes in semifinals. She wouldn't be there when she gave her testimony.
Mary wouldn't be there when she died.
Neil's grief was a knife spinning circles in her stomach, tearing her to shreds from the inside out until she could barely breathe. She took a slow breath and counted her heartbeats on the exhale. Nicky waited, too desperate to press his luck further.
"Wait here," Neil finally said.
Nicky's expression was a whirlwind of surprise and hope. Neil couldn't stand the sight of it, and she didn't want Nicky's premature gratitude. She slipped past Nicky into the hallway and went two doors down. Nicky hadn't locked the suite door behind him, so Neil let herself in with a perfunctory knock.
Aaron was waiting on one of the beanbag chairs with a controller in his hand. Judging by the indent in the other chair, and the images still on the TV, Nicky's phone call had interrupted their game. Kevin had a newspaper spread on his desk as he checked last night's scores around the nation. Aurey was sitting on the desk closest to the window. She had taken the screen off months ago so she could smoke indoors. She acknowledged Neil with a glance only, then flicked ash into the tray.
"Can we talk?" Neil asked.
"Not today. Try again tomorrow."
"I wouldn't crash your obviously thrilling birthday party if it wasn't important."
"Sarcasm?" Audrey asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Two minutes," Neil said.
"So persistent."
Neil waited for Audrey to make up her mind. Audrey hummed around her cigarette for a moment, then flicked it out the window. She yanked the thing closed and slid off the desk. Even in her black sweats and t-shirt over broad shoulders, the only word Neil could describe her with was lithe. Neil followed her into the cousins' bedroom and tugged the door closed behind them. Audrey only made it a couple feet into the room before turning to face Neil.
"You have my attention," Audrey said. The implied for now was louder than her actual words.
"Nicky's mother called."
"Time's up."
Neil put her arm out when Audrey stepped forward, but there was no way she could stop Audrey if she really wanted to leave. Neil had seen how much Audrey pressed when the team did weights at the gym. More importantly than that, she had seen Audrey practically pick Nicky up by his throat and move him when riled. Neil wouldn't fight her, and therefore couldn't do anything. The gesture was just a show. Audrey knew it, but she rocked to a stop anyway.
"Nicky's mother invited him home for Thanksgiving," Neil said,
"He said yes," Audrey says flatly. "Ever an optimist, but he'll only be disappointed again until he gives up Erik for them."
"They're not after Erik this time," Neil said. "They're bartering for you. Nicky can't go unless he brings you and Aaron with him."
"Problem solved," Audrey said. "We'll be at Abby's."
"Why won't you go?"
"Why would I? Luther and I aren't friends."
"Last I checked, we're not your friends either," Neil said. "You still put up with us, so why won't you tolerate Luther? Nicky assumes it has to do with the way you met, but Luther's the one who got you out of juvie and back with your mother, the trial aside."
"She was not my mother," Audrey said, and even waited a beat to make sure Neil understood. "Cass, though, Cass? Cass would have been. She wanted to keep me. Adopt me, even. Audrey Josephine Spear, she said. She collected all the paperwork but wouldn't file without my consent, because she thought I was old enough to choose."
"Spear," Neil echoed, startled. "Like–"
"Yes," Audrey said, cutting her off.
"What made your adoption fall through before your arrest?" Neil asked, before she was cut off again.
Audrey clicked her tongue. "You have it backwards. I went to juvie because she wanted to adopt me. She wanted me to have a future. My own Stephanie Walker, of a sort."
Neil recognized that name only vaguely, but shoved it aside for later. She nodded to show that she was listening. Audrey reached for Neil, and it was all she could do to not tense up when Audrey's hands wrapped around her neck. Audrey didn't hold tight enough to cut off her air, but tapped her thumbs against Neil's throat in time to Neil's pulse.
"Luther would have let her have me, if it was what I wanted. He knew Aaron's mother wanted nothing to do with me, but he wanted to make things right with me somehow. If Cass was 'right,' he would fight on her behalf to get the adoption approved."
"So what happened?" Neil asked, searching Audrey's expression, but she knew, didn't she? The pieces were all there, but Neil couldn't put them together.
"That's a different story," Audrey said, and squeezed her hands. Neil sucked in a breath before her air was cut off, but forced herself not to move. That apparently convinced Audrey to keep talking. "Luther said he could send me back to Cass. I gave him a secret to make sure he wouldn't. You know all about how that goes, don't you, Neil? You must have told someone what was going on, and did they do anything?"
Suddenly, the hands around her neck were too much. She couldn't handle the thought of anyone's warm skin against hers. Neil ripped Audrey's hands off her, and backed up to tear desperate gasps of air into her lungs.
"No," Audrey nods, having taken her reaction as confirmation enough. "Luther did not tell either. He chose not to believe me at all."
"Did Luther not believe you," Neil said quietly, "Or did he say you were wrong?"
Audrey's expression was unreadable. "Sometimes I forget you're sharper than you look."
Neil saw the picture coming together without her permission.
"He said," Audrey said slowly, "that it was a misunderstanding. Don't repeat that word, I don't like it. He said that little girls need to appreciate the attention of good men when they have it so they can learn what to look for in an eternal partnership. He said that if I brought my lies forward, I would ruin an entire future career."
"Audrey," Neil started.
"No."
Audrey didn't raise her voice, but she didn't have to for Neil to hear the warning in it. If Neil pushed in any direction, the conversation was over. She grasped at straws, trying to keep Audrey talking. The story was turning her stomach, but she needed to make sure she saw the full picture.
"That was five years ago. Why would he want to see you?"
"Tell me something, Neil," Audrey said. "Paint me a picture. You're a kid, in your parents house, yes? And there's an adult there, someone who corners you time and time again and says that no one will believe you. That it's your little secret? And you finally told someone, didn't you? You were finally brave enough, or maybe you were finally too tired of it. Maybe you didn't say what they did, or how long, but you told them how you didn't like it. Even then, you knew you didn't like it at all."
Nausea pushed hard at the back of her throat. Neil couldn't look at Audrey, but couldn't bear to see anything else in case she couldn't fight away the memories that threatened to break through her hastily thrown up walls.
"That person doesn't believe you, of course. Why would they ever believe a kid who doesn't know anything?"
Neil shuddered. She tugged her sleeve up, covering the smell of cigarettes that surrounded Audrey. She couldn't think about Mary right then. Not the Mary she had burned on the beach, nor the Mary from years and years ago that had just shaken her head when Neil had come to her crying. "Stop. Stop it. I get it."
She thought of Nicky's words, though. Would she be so angry at Mary if Mary had gotten one last chance to explain? One more dinner where they could sit down and Neil could ask her questions? If she could look her mother in the eye and see if there was anything they could do about their relationship? Neil would give anything for that. Would get shot, and worse to have just a few more minutes with her mother to understand, and to see if there was any chance at all at a relationship.
"Understand when I say Luther was the second person I told," Audrey said, snapping Neil back to the present. "And neither of them wanted to hear me. You haven't met Luther."
"Can I?"
Audrey blinked, obviously surprised, then sneered. "You can barely stand to be around Renee. There's no way you could last a sit-down with Luther. He'd end up exorcising you when you snapped."
"Wouldn't that be entertaining?" Neil asked.
Audrey's mouth flattened, but it wasn't a no.
"Let's all go," Neil said, then nodded. "Aaron will agree for Nicky's sake and Nicky can see if his parents have come around. There's no way you'll let Kevin that far out of your sights, so take him with you. I'll tag along, so you can harass me instead of Luther. Imagine how uncomfortable Nicky's parents will be if they have to contend with the five of us."
"Not interesting enough."
Neil grit her teeth, then shook her head. She thought back to the club, then said, "then ask me a question. I'll be entertaining enough for you, and if I'm not, then you get your question."
"Two questions, and I want one question now."
"Don't trust me?" Neil asked, then shook her head. "Fine. Ask."
"How many times did you tell?"
She took the words like a knife to the stomach, but it was clear that the pain of the question was intentional. Audrey wanted the question to cost Neil just as much as the dinner would cost her.
"Only once," Neil said, voice only coming out as a whisper. She looked up to the ceiling, eyes burning but remaining dry. "There was nothing she could have done."
"Your mother."
Neil knew her silence was the best answer she couldn't give, so she finally sighed and said, "Please?"
"I hate that word."
"Does Betsy know you have a grudge against half of the English language?" Neil asked, but shook her head. "I know you can't understand this, because you've never had a real family, but Nicky has to give his parents another try. If you're lucky, this dinner will be the breaking point. Nicky's got his hopes up thinking that his mother's coming around. If she lets him down again, he might be ready to walk away for good."
Audrey stood silently for a moment, then reached for her again. That time, she hooked her fingers into Neil's shirt collar instead of going for her throat.
"One last chance," she said. "That's all I'm going to give Nicky, but I won't spend Thanksgiving with them, and I won't play nice. Get Nicky to change the date, and get yours and Kevin's invitation."
Neil nodded.
"We're all going to regret this," Audrey said. "Nicky most of all, if his father winds up dead."
Neil hesitated, knowing she shouldn't ask since she had already asked so much, but couldn't help it as the words spilled out anyway. "Did you really kill Aaron's mother?"
Audrey dropped her hands from Neil's collar. "I warned her not to lay a hand on him, but she didn't listen to me. Does that frighten you, Neil?"
"My first memories are of people dying," Neil said. "I'm not afraid of you."
"That's why you're so interesting," Audrey said. "How aggravating."
"I'll try to be more boring in the future."
"How considerate. That was a secret given on credit. I'll ask you for something later." Audrey scanned her face, eyes flitting wildly until they finally stilled and her expression resumed apathy. "Was that all you wanted to talk about?"
Neil stared back, then nodded. She pulled the new cigarette pack out of her back pocket. It was new, bought that day at the grocery store and unopened. Not her mother's brand, but Neil probably couldn't stomach looking at those right then anyway. She had no desire to smoke them at all anymore. When she held them out to Audrey, Audrey took them without question.
"Happy birthday," Neil said. "Sorry I didn't wrap it."
"Not my brand."
"Sucks," Neil shrugged.
"We're done today. Send my cowardly cousin back soon."
"I will. Thank you."
Neil didn't stay to see what was likely Audrey's eye roll. She didn't follow Neil as she pushed into the room either, so Neil gently shut the bedroom door. Neil expected to find Nicky lurking in the hall waiting for the results, but Nicky had stayed in Neil's dorm to wait for her return. He was perched on the far end of the couch from Matt. Nicky smiled when Neil walked in, but the expression didn't reach his eyes. He looked almost ill with nervous hope.
"Two questions," Neil said, crossing the room to stand in front of Nicky. "If Kevin and I promise to stay out of the way of your family business, can we tag along?" It wasn't the question Nicky obviously expected. Surprise and confusion startled a little of the fear out of him. Neil waited for Nicky's uncertain nod before asking, "Second, can your mother change the date? Audrey won't see them on Thanksgiving."
"I guess so," Nicky said. "I'd have to call her back and ask but– wait. Audrey said yes? You're not serious."
Neil looked from him to Matt and back again. "That's what you wanted, isn't it?"
Nicky scrambled to his feet. "That's what I wanted, but I didn't really think you'd get it, especially not on the first try. I just knew you were my best shot at getting Audrey to listen. You're amazing, you know that?" He moved forward as if to hug Neil, then seemed to remember himself. That was good, because Neil's skin was still feeling a little too small on her. "Sorry, sorry. But god, you might be the best thing to happen to the Foxes."
"I doubt that."
"I don't." Nicky beamed and stepped back. "How did you do it?"
Neil neatly excised ninety percent of the truth, and said, "I asked."
"Yeah, right. Do you know what would have happened to me if I asked? Violence, Neil. Extreme and uncalled-for violence."
Neil shrugged. Nicky let it slide, maybe too happy to care how Neil won Audrey over. He dug his phone out of his pocket and gestured at the door. "I'll call her back. Maybe we can head down next weekend. Sunday, I guess, since we'll be on a bus coming back from Florida all day Saturday. Sooner's better than later, right? I don't want to risk Audrey changing her mind. When do you have to pick up Seth?"
Neil blinked. "Uh, you'll have to ask Allison. She's the one that wants me to tag along."
"I'll figure it out." Nicky was still, alarmingly, smiling. "Thank you, Neil."
"Nicky, promise me something," Neil said, as the man turned away. He immediately looked back, and Neil pointed at him. "I want you to listen to me or to Audrey. If either of us say it's time to go, you can't put up a fuss. I want you to be able to talk to your mom again, but I want to put everyone's safety first, okay?"
He looked torn for only half a second before he nodded. "Okay. I promise. If you say we leave, we're out of there."
"Me and Audrey both."
"Of course. You can trust me." Neil raised her eyebrows, and Nicky flushed, but only doubled down. "I swear, Neil. Nothing like that will ever happen again. I'll prove it to you eventually, but know that you can trust me on this."
Neil nodded, and Nicky left their dorm. Neil sent Matt a curious glance, but immediately was thrown off by the curious intensity that Matt was studying her with.
"Why are you so special?" Matt asked.
"I'm not," Neil said, confused.
"Audrey doesn't give ground to anybody. Why does she keep saying yes to you?"
Neil shrugged. "I don't think she does, it's just the things that she does say yes to are more noticeable."
"It's not just Audrey, though," Matt said. "It's Seth and Allison too. The three biggest assholes I know are all suddenly buddy-buddy with you. I'm just trying to figure you out."
"I don't know what to tell you."
Matt eyed her a bit longer, then shook his head and relaxed against the back of the couch again. Neil took the seat she had given up earlier, and Matt turned the movie back on. They weren't much further into it when Neil's phone buzzed with a text from Nicky. Maria had agreed to the date and the extra guests. Half of the message was smiley faces and exclamation points. Neil wondered when she had even unblocked him.
Satisfaction was a quiet head in Neil's chest, uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Neil brushed it aside, but in its wake was the cooler edge of unease. Neil was glad for Nicky, but she wasn't stupid. She was really only going so she could keep an eye on Audrey. Audrey had more than enough reason to be pissed at Luther, and she was more than a little dangerous. Neil would have to make sure Luther never stepped out of line. The courts would lock Audrey up and throw away the key, and the Foxes' season would screech to a sudden halt. Neil couldn't let that happen.
She hoped she would be fast enough if worse came to worst, but honestly, she didn't know whose defense she would jump to faster.
The real difficulty, of course, turned out to be Kevin.
Kevin had not one drop of interest in meeting Nicky's parents. Neil, realistically, couldn't blame him at all. Even the loss of his own mother wasn't enough to make him sway to Nicky's sob story like it had Neil. Kevin couldn't handle being alone, though, in part because he'd grown up attached to Riko's side and swarmed by the Ravens, and in part because he was scared to death of getting caught without protection. Luckily for all of them, Kevin stopped sniping about the road trip when he realized he could get something out of it.
When Neil started playing Exy in Arizona, Coach Hernandez loaned Neil one of the school's extra racquets. It was a basic model, average net depth, and with a light frame. Wymack provided Neil with two upgrades of the same model when she signed with the Foxhole Court. Light racquets were popular with strikers and most beginning players, because they allowed for easier accuracy. If a striker only had a split-second to take the shot, they would want a quick racquet that they wouldn't have to think about.
Kevin thought light racquets were a complete waste of Neil's time. As soon as Neil passed all thirteen of Kevin's Raven drills, Kevin started talking about moving Neil to a heavy. Heavies were more popular with defense, since they were all about force and speed. Few offensive players bothered with them, either not wanting the extra weight when trying to outstep defense, or unable to perfect their aim with such an unwieldy stick. When mastered, though, heavy racquets could be devastating.
Kevin used a heavy with the Ravens, but he had switched to a light racquet after his injury. Riko still used one. Neil was leery of switching racquets this late in the season, since it was bound to have a serious adjustment period, but Kevin turned a deaf ear to her arguments. Months of relentless night practices and Kevin's harsh tutelage gave Neil a scary accuracy that would have taken her years to learn on her own. Now that she could aim in a hair-trigger glance, she needed a racquet that would put force behind her shots. It was time to add power to her speed, or so Kevin said.
The best place to find racquets in South Carolina was in Columbia at Exites. Larger sports stores around the state had sections for Exy gear, but Exites was the only store one hundred percent devoted to the sport. They handled everything from gear to custom uniforms to collectibles. Neil had been on their website from time to time, but seeing it in person sent a thrill down her spine. It was a four-storey shop on the far side of the capital from Eden's Twilight, and the parking lot was comfortably crowded. Neil wasn't sure what she liked more: the thought of everything waiting for them inside those walls, or the many cars that proved Exy's popularity.
"This is stupid," Aaron said for the fourth time since they had left campus. "We just fixed the line-up. Now you're going to screw us over again."
Kevin ignored him. He'd argued the first time, and wouldn't waste his breath repeating himself. Neil was more tolerant of Aaron's frustration, thanks to her own nerves, but she knew there was no changing Kevin's mind. She had experienced that first hand a week ago at night practice, when she said her upper body wouldn't be as strong because she was a girl. Kevin was the only one who knew, after all, but he had just squinted at her like she was stupid.
"So's Thea," Kevin had said. "So is Lane. So are all of the other female Raven strikers. They all use heavies. The only thing stopping you is the fact that you can't put on weight to save your life. Hang on."
Kevin, who then had looked like a light bulb had gone off directly in his skull, had then decided that he would be in charge of Neil's meals. Abby put her foot down almost immediately, but that didn't stop Kevin from plying her with food whenever the two strikers were in the same vicinity. Neil, trained to always eat food when she had the chance because she never knew when she would next get it, was an easy victim.
So, Neil decided that if Kevin thought she could handle it, Neil wouldn't be the one to let him down. It might mean working twice as hard as she had up until now, if that was even possible, but she'd meet Kevin's expectations somehow. She would barely make it to May. Switching to a heavy, realistically, was the least of her problems.
"This is the best week for me to switch," Neil said as she followed Audrey out of the car. "We're up against JD on Friday. You guys can take them without any help from me. If I'm still shit at it the next game, then we'll have Seth back. Trust me though, I won't be."
JD was their last match in November, since next weekend they were off for Thanksgiving. There was only one game in December, and then the season would be over. They had a week off to study for their finals, a week of exams that none of them were looking forward to, and an Exy Christmas banquet on December 16th. Thinking about it soured a little of Neil's good mood. It felt like she had just met Wymack yesterday. Now the season was a blink away from being over. The Foxes were guaranteed a spot in spring championships, so there'd be more games in January, but Neil couldn't bear thinking she was almost done. Almost dead.
She still didn't know where she was going to spend her two-week Christmas break. She was betting the cousins weren't going anywhere, since Kevin would be intolerable if they took him too far from the Foxhole Court. Hopefully Neil could stick around and get some practice in. She would just have to figure out what excuse to give the team for not going home to her supposed family.
They passed a register on their way through the front of Exites and immediately lost Kevin to the employee that recognized him. Neil stalled at the merch, but Nicky nudged Neil to keep going. Kevin was, in fact, now talking to an older man with a large nametag. Probably the manager. Neil glanced around in search of security cameras. She wondered if the cashier hit a panic button to summon the manager, or if it was his face showing on the security cameras. Either way, the lightning fast response made Neil's skin crawl.
The second floor was mostly gear. Audrey was already up there, and jerked her head at Neil. "Hurry."
"That eager to get to Nicky's place?" Neil asked as she continued to the third floor.
"We aren't going to Nicky's place," Audrey said. "It's his parents' house. Nicky has no place there. The sooner we're done, the sooner we can go home."
The walls of the entire third floor were lined with racquets. Neil spent enough time looking up everything Exy on the internet that she knew how many different kinds of racquets were available. Seeing them on a website and seeing them in person were completely different experiences, and for a moment, Neil stood frozen at the top of the stairs.
To the left of the stairwell was a register. The woman standing there was threading a racquet's net. She looked up at their arrival and chirped out a greeting. Neil was too distracted to do anything but stare at the racquets and slowly make her way around the room.
They passed the goalkeepers' section first. Audrey kept her eyes forward, but did reach out to drag her fingers over the racquets. Neil didn't miss it, but she didn't think Audrey would acknowledge it if she commented. She bit back every question she wanted to ask Audrey about her apathy and the urge to prod her into asking her extra questions. Knowing Audrey had two over her head was an unpleasant knot in her stomach.
There were fifteen possible choices hanging for strikers. Most of them were plain, but designs were available for each of them. Knowing she needed a short racquet didn't help narrow her choices much. Every one she picked up was an uncomfortable weight, and she hadn't been playing long enough to understand the benefit of different net depths. She knew strikers tended to have deeper nets so they could carry the ball further, whereas dealers and defense had shallower nets for stealing and passing, but there was too much confusing gray area. Neil picked up and put down every short racquet she could, stalling until Kevin showed up and told her what to do.
She turned, hanging the last one back up, and spotted Audrey rolling her eyes.
"They don't feel right," Neil defended.
"A tear for your discomfort," Audrey said, unsympathetic. "You're the idiot who gave Kevin your game."
"I'm not the only one," Neil said. "He told me why he stayed. He told me what he promised you. So, how are you any different from me if you're in it for Exy, too?"
"Oh, Neil," she said, and shook her head. "Kevin asks, and you give. Kevin asks, and I refuse. I'm waiting for him to give up."
"Do you really want him to? Isn't this exactly what you're mad at Aaron for doing? Haven't enough people walked away from you already? He wants you to succeed, and has the full faith that you will. How many people can you say that about?"
"He wants something. He thinks he stands to gain here."
"What happens if he's right? What happens if you wake up and realize Exy is exciting and worth your time? Will you lie to refuse him, or will you give in and admit he's won?"
"I didn't think you were a dreamer."
"I saw the way you played against Edgar Allan," Neil said. "It looked like it meant something to you."
"That's a misguided accusation."
"Here's a real question," Neil said. "How have you survived this long when you're so violently self-destructive?"
Audrey cocked her head to one side in a question. Neil didn't know if she was playing stupid to rile her, or if she really was oblivious. Either way, it was frustrating. She wondered why no one else had caught on, or if people noticed and just didn't care enough to say it. Now that Neil saw it, though, she couldn't look past it. Any time the Foxes or the news mentioned Audrey, it was only to say how much of a danger she was. The press couldn't believe that Audrey and Kevin were dating simply because Audrey was too violent. No one mentioned that Audrey was only doing what would hurt herself the most.
"You told me Cass would never hurt you and you would have gotten a good education, but you sabotaged your adoption. Officer Higgins came all the way here from the west coast to fix something from your past, but you won't help him. You left juvie and killed Aaron's mother to protect him, but instead of fixing your relationship with him, you keep him on a leash. You don't want Nicky's parents to hurt him, but you won't let him into your family either. Kevin promised to invest in you, but you won't even try. What is it? Are you afraid of your own happiness, or do you honestly like being miserable all the time?"
Audrey didn't answer.
"You are going to be left alone, eventually," Neil pressed. "When that happens, who else are you going to hurt?"
"I'm remembering why I don't like you."
"I'm surprised you forgot."
"I don't forget anything, I just got distracted."
Neil sucked in a breath that scraped her throat raw, then let it out. "If you don't forget anything, tell me what net length my racquet has."
Audrey silently plucked the second to last stick off the rack, and tossed it to her. Neil caught it, and caught the second one after the fact. The net varied, Neil noted, but the height and length remained the same. The first one, and the second one with an inch shorter net.
The employee must have taken that as a good sign because she gestured to them, grabbed a bucket of balls, and led them through the door behind the register. The fourth floor was divided into two small practice courts and a narrow walkway. The girl unlocked one of the courts, so Neil set the racquets aside and pulled on the spare gear hanging from the hooks on the wall. The weighted vest provided by Exites went over her clothes and reminded her a little of the Kevlar vest she had in Europe. She shoved those thoughts aside and finished with the gear.
The door shut, leaving Neil alone with her thoughts.
If holding the racquets was bad, taking shots with them was worse. They were five times heavier than her current ones. They sat differently, and dragged on the swings. Despite that, the sound the balls made as they ricocheted off the wall sent a dark curl of power through her veins. Every rebound was a small boom. Neil could only imagine what it'd sound like when she could put real speed behind her swings again. Her shots would be missiles aimed at the goal, and she'd leave goalkeepers startled in her wake.
She switched back and forth with the two choices a few times. They were both awkward, but the deeper one slowly but surely became the clear reject.
Neil hung the gear up, collected balls and racquets, and waited for the girl to lock the court. They went back downstairs, and she had them stack the rejected racquet on a rack. She slid an order form across the counter to Neil. They needed to order the racquets in Palmetto colors. Exites would handle that, and deliver them. Neil thought it was as easy as ticking a box and moving on, but the brand she had gotten offered four different designs. Neil hesitated, then marked the simplest one and filled out the court's address.
"Do you have any in stock today?" Kevin asked, having wandered over after Neil. "We need a plain practice stick in size three."
"We should," she said. She typed a couple commands into her computer, then disappeared to the storage room. Neil was done before she returned. The rest of the process took only a few more minutes, and they left the store with the plain racquet in hand, and two apparently on their way.
They found Aaron and Nicky on the ground floor. Audrey was smoking on the curb outside. Neil brought her racquet into the passenger seat of the car, her spot since the first trip to Eden's. Nicky peppered Kevin with questions, and for the first time, Kevin actually seemed to enjoy it. The growing edge to Nicky's words, though, was all nerves.
It wasn't far to the Hemmick house. They lived in a two-storey home in the south suburbs of Columbia. Neil peered out from her window to get a good look as Audrey parked at the curb. It looked perfect. The lawn was vibrant, neatly trimmed, and the cars in the driveway were new and clean. The house was a pale blue. It looked like the ordinary middle class home, which made the cousins' reactions all the more noticeable. Not even Audrey had anything to say when she killed the engine.
Nicky cleared his throat. "Maybe this was a mistake."
"Now he says it," Aaron grumbled, and pushed his cousin out of the car door. "Too late."
Neil got out with her racquet in hand, unwilling to part with it even then. Audrey snatched it out of her grip, giving it an experimental twirl, and propped it against her shoulder while heading for the other cars.
"Audrey?" Nicky squeaked. "What are you doing?"
"He's got a really shiny car for a minister," Audrey said. "I'm thinking of humbling it."
Nicky ran after her and pulled the racquet out of her hands. Audrey, seemingly amused by Nicky's expression, let it go without fuss. Nicky handed Neil her racquet back, then led the way to the porch and knocked. Neil and Kevin hung back, only making it up as the dark blue door swung open. It was one of two, Neil noted. How popular were french doors in the suburbs?
Maria Hemmick answered the door. She was taller than Neil expected her to be, but she could see the resemblance between her and Nicky in an instant. Nicky jokingly blamed her when Neil first commented on how different he looked from his cousins. Audrey and Aaron were pale and light-haired, while Nicky inherited his Mexican mother's complexion. He had his mother's eyes and the same curve to his mouth, Nicky had never smiled like this, though, so polite and small it was barely welcoming.
"Why did you ring the doorbell?" She asked in lieu of hello.
"This isn't my house anymore," Nicky said.
She pursed her lips but didn't argue. She stepped aside, so they moved out of the cold into the much warmer front hall. Maria closed the door behind them and turned to face her guests. Neil and Kevin were now the closest ones to her. There was no recognition in her stare when she considered them, but she nodded a greeting all the same.
"You must be Kevin and Neil," she said. "I'm Maria."
Kevin put on one of his public-friendly smiles, and said, "It's nice to meet you."
She looked at the twins next, but her gaze slipped past Aaron entirely. She smiled at Audrey, and said, "Aaron, it's been a long time."
Neil blinked, wondering how on earth she had confused them. Audrey had worn her hair up today, sure, but it was still evidently long despite the sides being short. There were very clearly tights visible through the rips in her jeans.
"Aaron," Aaron answered. His voice, though, was lacking Neil's confusion. It was all hostile frost.
Maria looked from Audrey to Aaron, and back again.
"Oh, yes, of course, she said, but sounded uncertain.
"Very interesting that you let us back in your house," Audrey said, and her voice was soft. "I thought you were going to file a restraining order against me. What happened?"
"Audrey," Nicky pleaded through clenched teeth.
Maria's cheeks flushed. "You can leave your coats here. Right this way."
They all left their coats in the narrow closet she pointed to, except for Neil who didn't own a jacket and wouldn't have brought it anyway.
Luther Hemmick was a tall, rake-thin man with a severe face. He didn't have much hair left, but he kept a pepper beard trimmed short and neat. Even across the room, Neil could see the tense set to his shoulders. Luther wasn't looking forward to this reunion anymore than Nicky was. Neil hoped that Luther was uncomfortable because he intended to relax old prejudices, but that seemed unlikely. The only good thing that anyone must have ever gotten from that man, Neil thought, was Nicky's height.
Maria went straight to the stove to check on dinner, making herself busy and abandoning the conversation as quickly as she could. Luther didn't look at her, but took his time inspecting his guests. His expression didn't change as he considered Neil and Kevin, and he didn't linger long on them.
Neil didn't think it was her imagination that Luther stared longer at Audrey than he did his own son. It made her wonder if Luther suspected Audrey's involvement in his sister's death, and whether or not some part of Luther blamed her either way. Nicky said Audrey's release from juvie drove Tilda deeper into her depression and drugs. Maybe Luther regretted ever finding out Audrey existed.
Neil distracted herself by looking around the room, from the small crosses and biblical quotes hanging on the walls to the catalogue-perfect kitchen. The square table only had two chairs by it, but the back door was open. The screen door was closed, but Neil could see through it to a deck. A larger table was back there, and already set to accommodate all of them.
"Nicky," Luther finally said. "Aaron, Audrey."
Nicky had gone mute, it seemed, but Aaron said, "Hey, Uncle Luther."
Luther smiled, but it was faint. He looked at Neil and Kevin again. "I am Nicky's father. You may call me Luther. Welcome to my home."
"Thank you for having us," Kevin said.
"You can set that down in here," Luther said, with a look at Neil's racquet.
He waited for Neil to move, clearly, and Neil made sure her next breath was even. No, she wouldn't be parting with her racquet around an older man, and especially not after what Audrey had told her. She flicked her gaze to Audrey, wondering if she was already starting out on the entertainment that she was looking for, then shook her head.
"I'll keep it with me, actually."
His jaw flexed for a moment, then shook his head. "Get comfortable, then. Dinner will only be another minute."
Nicky took them to the back porch. It was enclosed with half walls and a thin mesh. Heat lamps were set at every corner. The mesh let some of the heat escape, but also kept most of the November breeze out, so it was more comfortable out back than it was in the house.
The table had eight seats, three to each side, and a seat at either end. Judging by the lacy handkerchief at one end, the Hemmicks would take the end seats and spread their guests out between them. Neil found it odd that they had still set a place for the sixth and final seat, instead of just leaving it empty. Nicky took a middle seat on one side, keeping a chair between himself and either of his parents. Aaron sat between Nicky and Maria's chair. Kevin and Neil stuck Audrey between them on the other side where they could keep an eye on her, Neil closer to Luther. Neil laid the racquet across her lap where it would be out of Luther's grasp, and tangled her fingers in the netting. The empty was where the racquet's handle rested, just in case she needed to swing it at Luther's groin.
It took Luther and Maria three trips to bring out all the food. As soon as they were seated, they bowed their heads. Neil didn't realize what was happening until Luther started to pray. She belatedly looked to Audrey, who wasn't even pretending to pray, even if Kevin was politely playing along. Audrey gave Neil an unimpressed look, then steepled her fingers mockingly and looked skyward.
Neil had to fight off a little hysterical giggle. Audrey's eyes flicked back to her only once, but it was enough.
Luther straightened, and began serving food. The others took that as a cue, but Neil had to wait on either Audrey, or Luther to finish before she could get any. Luther noticed her idleness and looked at her.
"Are you religious?"
Neil blinked. Right off the bat, huh? "No."
Luther gave her a minute to elaborate, but Neil stared right back at him in silence. Finally, he frowned in disapproval, and asked, "Why not?"
"I'd rather not get into it. I don't want to start a fight."
Audrey let out a minute scoff. "That's a first."
"I don't see how such a question constitutes as a fight," Luther said to Neil.
"Well," Neil said diplomatically, and forced down a smile. "There's no point in me being religious since I'll go to hell anyway."
"No one is exempt from God's love," Luther… chided? Was he actually chiding Neil?
"I was born out of wedlock," Neil lied, with a fake grimace. "My parents got married a year after, but it was too late for me."
"All children of the Lord will make it to heaven if they seek forgiveness," Luther said.
"Forgiveness for being born?" Neil asked.
"That's not what you said to me," Audrey said, and there was almost the edge of a smile in her voice. A dangerous thing, sharp and bloody. "Moses, wasn't it? 'No one born of a forbidden union may enter the assembly of the Lord. Even to the tenth generation, none of his descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord.'"
Neil blinked, then gave her best uncaring shrug. "So, yeah. Looks like none of us will be making it into your heaven anyway," she said, gesturing at their group.
Nicky looked ready to pull his hair out. Kevin and Aaron were diplomatically neutral, but Audrey shot Neil a glance that she took for approval.
"Did you really need to bring this up, Dad?" Nicky asked. "You don't want to ask how we've been, or how we're doing at school, or how the season is going? We had a game in Florida yesterday. We won, you know."
"Congratulations," Luther said, automatically.
"Yeah, you sound like you mean it," Nicky said, but it sounded more sad than annoyed. An uncomfortable silence followed, and Neil tried to search her brain for any scrap of religion she could bring up. Nicky beat her to whatever she was going to say with a half-hearted, "When did you repaint the kitchen?"
"Two years ago," Maria said. "The contractor goes to our church. It looks nice, doesn't it?" She waited for Nicky's quiet agreement, looked to Luther for inspiration, then said, "So, what are you studying, Nicholas?"
Neil wasn't going to interrupt any time between Nicky and his mom, since that was the whole point. Still, some part of Neil had assumed Nicky was exaggerating how estranged he was, but he was in his sophomore year, and his parents still didn't know what he was majoring in. Neil didn't know if Maria was asking now because she was interested in getting to know her son again, or if she was just trying to fill the silence. She hoped it was the former; the latter was too much to stomach. Neil's mother might have been awful, but she was always fiercely devoted to her. They were two halves of a miserable whole, inseparable co-conspirators.
"Marketing," Nicky said. "Erik's cousin works for a PR firm in Stuttgart. She thinks she can get me in after graduation if I make the right grades."
"You're going back to Germany?" Maria shot her husband a startled look.
Nicky's jaw tightened, but he looked his mother in the eye when he said, "Yes. Erik's career is there. I wouldn't ask him to leave it just for me, and I wouldn't want him to, anyway. I loved living in Germany. It's an amazing place. You should visit us sometime."
"Us," Maria said faintly. "You're still…"
She couldn't finish, so Nicky said, "Yes, we're still together. I came back to take care of Audrey and Aaron, not because things went sour with Erik. I love him. I always have and I always will. When are you going to get that?"
"When will you accept that it is wrong?" Luther said. "Homosexuality is–"
"Luther," Audrey said. That was all she said, but Luther sent her a wary glance.
Kevin reached over Audrey to heap more food onto Neil's plate. None of them had even started eating yet. She blinked at him, but he seemed devoted to his task. If it was how he was going to avoid the conversation, Neil couldn't blame him.
"I love him," Nicky repeated. "Doesn't that mean anything to you? Why can't you be happy for us? Why can't you give him a chance?"
"We cannot condone sin," Maria said.
"You don't have to love the sin," Nicky said, "but you're supposed to forgive and love the sinner. Isn't that what faith is about?"
"Faith is following our Lord's creed," Luther said.
"But I can't be that black and white," Nicky said piteously. "I won't. Why did you call us down here if we're just going to have the same old fight again?"
Luther was unmoved by Nicky's heartbreak, and said calmly, "Things have come to light recently that made us question our current situation. We have committed to repairing this family," he glanced at Maria, who nodded in encouragement. "But we understand it will be a long, uphill path. We brought you down here so we could decide on the first steps together."
Neil felt Audrey's eyes on her, and resisted a sigh. That was a sign if there ever was one. "Let me guess," Neil said. "That first step is going to be accepting Nicky and Erik as two men who are in love, and who can make their own choices."
Luther ignored her. "The first step will be reparations for past mistakes. That's why you're here."
Neil tried to channel the same fury that had come so easily to her on the Kathy Ferdinand show, but only came up with a mild irritation. The faster Nicky saw this was all a mistake, and that he would never be accepted, the faster they could get back to the court. Neil wanted desperately to try out her new racquet.
"The only past mistake was sending Nicky to a conversion camp," Neil said. "If you think liking men deserves a camp, maybe we should look into a camp that treats white savior complexes."
Aaron choked. Nicky shot a glance with so many pathetic layers in Neil's direction she didn't even begin to sort them out.
"Audrey–" Maria began.
"Leave me out of this," Audrey said.
Luther frowned. Across the table from him, Maria held up a calming hand and said, "Let's eat. This kind of conversation is too difficult on an empty stomach. We'll eat and try again, and then reward our efforts with dessert. There is pie in the oven. Apple, Nicholas. It used to be your favorite."
It was a meager peace offering, considering the harsh words it interrupted, but Nicky was apparently desperate for any glimmer of hope. He nodded, and tucked into his dinner. Silence reigned over the table for a while before Nicky finally broke it. He asked about people and places Neil didn't recognize, but Maria seemed happy to keep up with him. Luther staunchly ignored his son, and that seemed to calm Nicky down all on its own.
Kevin heaped a second helping onto Neil's plate before she was done with the first. After glaring a sufficient amount, she reluctantly ate it.
Really, Neil needed to come up with something both entertaining for Audrey yet make sure it wouldn't interfere with Nicky and Maria. Debating religion would be impossible for Neil, especially because most of her knowledge was picked up in Europe, which didn't match up with the story she told Audrey. Bringing up Tilda could be perfect, but Neil didn't know enough already, and she had a feeling that it would be a slap in the face for Aaron as much as Luther. Debating homosexuality was a moot point for Neil, since she had never been attracted to anyone, let alone a girl. Or, well, would Luther expect her to date women? Since she was pretending to be a man?
Really, any truth about her life would be the perfect thing to bring up.
"Audrey," Luther said, breaking Nicky and Maria out of their conversation immediately. Apparently Luther was done eating. "I have some things to say to you in private before we begin."
"No," Audrey said.
"You can't say no, you don't even know what I want to speak to you about."
Neil turned her glare back on the man. "Is it an apology?"
"Stay out of this," Luther said.
"He asked you a question, actually," Audrey said. "Is it an apology?"
"There are many things that you–"
"So that's a no," Audrey interrupted. "No. I won't say it again."
"Hey, wait," Neil said. "You said amends, but then skipped over my question twice. Are you deaf? In what part of reparations are you going to apologize? Don't you think that Nicky deserves an apology?"
"As I said, I–"
"No," Neil said, cutting him off. "No, I heard that. I'm just wondering, you know, what your plan is. You never accept your son or his fiance, and then what? You dangle yourselves on a string to lure him back every time, like this time you'll finally accept him? Seems fucked up."
"Watch your language, young man." Luther said. "You know nothing of this family."
"Actually, I think I do. Nicky?"
Nicky looked crushed, and half afraid of Neil.
"Are you ready to go?"
"At least wait until after pie," Maria piped up.
"Okay. C'mon, Neil, pie." Nicky said, shaky. Neil wondered if she should feel bad about it, but decided against it. There was no point. Nicky crumbling meant they could leave all the faster.
Nicky turned back to Maria, obviously hoping to pick up where they had left off, but she turned to her husband instead. Luther opened his mouth, and Neil sighed loudly, then rolled her eyes for good measure.
"There have been many mistakes made in this family," Luther said loudly, over top of Neil. "First and foremost being my sister moving away from us to California. Now that you're all back, we can begin to rectify that rift she caused. However, there are still certain things I wish to settle with Audrey, and her past in California."
Audrey almost seemed surprised. Not surprised, then, but caught off guard, if her stillness was any proof. Luther took it as the sign that it wasn't, and continued.
"I would have liked to do this privately, but alas. We should all be one, as God intended, but certain things have led you all astray from the path of the righteous. Though some of your sins are only forgivable in the eyes of the Lord, other people require your apologies before they can forgive as well. In fact, he reached out to us first, and we all decided it would be best if we provided you with the opportunity to apologize to him."
Luther looked to Audrey as he spoke, but Audrey was completely still. It was Neil that said, "Him?"
"I would have wished for you to do this in private," Luther said again, "since that is what he requested. But I believe Audrey has amends to make with not only Drake, but the entire Spear family."
Neil's stomach bottomed out.
Audrey tensed, then snapped her fingers. "We're leaving. Right now."
"What?" Nicky said.
"Nicky," Neil snapped, then switched to German. It revealed herself, but Audrey already knew and Neil wanted the element of surprise to get Nicky moving. "Remember what you promised? We're leaving now."
Kevin and Aaron obeyed Audrey without question, and Nicky scrambled after them. Luther tried to stand, tried to block their way, but Neil was already on her feet, pushing him back with her racquet. Her father's smile was quickly stretching across her mouth. "Actually, Luther, I think you've done enough. You're going to sit here and pray to your little god that Audrey's in a forgiving mood."
She was anticipating Luther's initial swing, but not the hard elbow to Neil's temple. It forced her back, stumbling for just a step before she regained her balance. Neil pushed through the back door fast enough that neither Maria or Luther were fast enough to stop her from locking them both outside.
She was just fast enough in turning around that she saw the massive man come down the stairs before anyone else. All Neil could do was shout a warning, but it was too late.
Just as she opened her mouth, he slammed a full bottle of alcohol into Audrey's skull.
The bottle shattered in a spray of glass and liquor across the entire room.
Audrey stumbled forward, then fell. Kevin was there in a heartbeat, shoving the man hard. They were almost the same height, Neil registered, which posed him as even more of a threat.
Kevin must have caught the man– Drake– by surprise, because as soon as Drake, halfway into the kitchen, got his footing back, it only took him one hit to have Kevin careening to the floor.
Neil, though, was already halfway there with her racquet in hand. Her brand new heavy racquet, almost eight pounds of wood and tungsten bands, wielded with such a force that when it hit Drake's stomach, he immediately keeled over. Neil barely had a moment to appreciate the feeling of ribs cracking with the swing.
Neil backed up, grabbing at Kevin who was already halfway up. They needed to get out of there. Neil dropped the racquet and helped heft an unbalanced Kevin to his feet.
Someone shouted her name.
She didn't quite know what had hit her until she was already stumbling. The shattered spout of the bottle was sticking out of her shoulder from where he must have attacked her with it. Kevin caught her before she could hit the ground, but they were both too late as Drake stalked past them. He was headed back towards Audrey, who barely seemed to be conscious.
Neil ripped the glass bottle's neck out of her arm, wielding it as a weapon, and went at Drake.
Aaron was faster.
He brought Neil's racquet up in an underhanded swing so hard and fast air whistled through the tight strings. The racquet caught Drake in between his legs so hard the man immediately crumpled. Neil hoped Aaron had shattered his pelvis.
"Nicky," Neil said, finding her voice surprisingly strong. "Get Audrey. We'll meet you there in a second. Aaron, give me that racquet."
Once the cousins were outside, Neil kicked at Drake, rolling him over with her shoe. He was unconscious. Good. Kevin, ridiculously, had gathered all their coats from the closet. Neil tugged Kevin after herself, then stumbled them both out to the car.
Audrey was clutching onto Aaron, searching him for injuries.
"Audrey," Neil said. "Give the keys to Nicky. You can sit by Aaron in the back. We have to get to the hospital so they can photograph and document our injuries, and then we can get this all over with."
Audrey stared at her for an indecipherably long moment, blood still sliding in slow rivulets down her neck, then she gave Nicky the keys.
Notes:
maria, known transphobe:
neil: why would aaron be wearing tights you dumb fuck
i think the only reason luther gets andrew to leave in canon is because the whiskey is too good an offer to pass up. not only do the drugs limit his attention span enough to separate him, he's already in this unfamiliar place when he wants to feel sharper, of course he goes in search of the alcohol. it felt ooc to have audrey go inside or honestly leave aaron at all, espeically in this universe where obviously the hemmicks don't acknowledge him, so she wanted to stick by him and make sure they couldn't say anything that would hurt him. also my husband said if someone hit him in the balls with a racquet so hard his pelvis broke, he would probably pass out, so that's why drake is unconscious.
also also the bible verse is deuteronomy 23:2. i don't think it's ever specified what specific sort of christian the hemmicks are, aside from obviously not catholic or mormon, so i can't narrow down what version of the bible they use. because of this, i'm not sure of the consistency of this verse across versions, but if i'm wrong then idk. kill me. it would be so embarrassing for someone w my lore to be wrong. the only inconsistency i could really find is the translation of the word assembly, since in some versions it's congregation. i don't think it super matters but like. if i'm wrong and the hemmicks have a set religion that uses the king james english bible, then i would love to change it to congregation. does this matter to anyone but me? idk
Chapter 14: Guilt
Notes:
baby’s first time experiencing guilt! also yes i know allison’s convertible reasonably should only have two seats but idc. it has five seats now. tws for discussions of csa, victim blaming (not true, neil’s just being a dick), aftermath of rape, and use of a rape kit but it’s unspecific and nongraphic. a bit of a later post than i would like but i posted on wednesday randomly and im getting close to the end of tkm so we’ll see if my posts keep up
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil wasn't sure who called Wymack.
The emergency room at Richmond General Hospital was a crowded, roiling mess of resentment and sickness. The attendants at the desk tried regulating the mess as best they could, but there were too many people to be seen and nowhere near enough doctors. Neil was too far away to hear the attendants' words but she could hear the fraying patience in their tones. The strident protests and arguments of the would-be patients carried easier. Neil listened because she needed something to distract her from her thoughts.
Things had gotten bad to worse when Columbia's finest showed up at the hospital. All five of them had stumbled into the emergency room, with Audrey and Kevin getting whisked away for care immediately. Neil hadn't heard what Nicky said to the receptionist, but eventually three officers came in and got testimonies from Neil, Nicky, and Aaron. Neil, who usually would have kept her mouth shut tighter than a steel trap around any and all law enforcement, gave a short statement. Neil had tugged on Audrey's black coat outside of the Hemmick house and no one else had mentioned her bleeding shoulder. Once the cops took her clipboard with her written statement, she was useless to them.
Wymack showed up an hour later. He wordlessly led Neil to a designated smoking section down the sidewalk. Neil looked at the plastic bag hanging off his elbow, but forgot to ask when Wymack pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Neil held her hand out in silent request. Wymack arched an eyebrow at her, and said, "Last I checked, you don't smoke."
"I don't," Neil said.
Wymack handed her the cigarette anyway, and got another for himself. The wind was strong enough it took them work to get their cigarettes lit. Neil took a long drag to make sure the cigarette was actually burning, then cupped the glowing stick between her hands. The acrid smell of smoke, faint as it was on a night like this, should have been comforting. It wasn't.
"What are you doing here?" Neil asked
"Nicky called me," Wymack said. "I brought Audrey some clean clothes."
Ah. Must have called him when Nicky slipped away to the bathroom.
Wymack exhaled smoke into the air between them. The wind ripped the cloud to shreds as quickly as it formed. Neil watched Wymack watch her, then turned her attention to her cigarette. She turned it over between her fingers. Her shoulder fucking hurt. There was still dried blood beneath her fingernails. For a moment, Neil knew it was her mother's, clinging stubbornly to her hands after all these years. She gave her cigarette a violent shake, dislodging those thoughts with the first clump of ash.
"Neil," Wymack said.
Neil knew that tone all too well. "I'm fine."
"Give me that bullshit answer one more time and see what happens," Wymack said. "Talk to me."
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth."
"No."
"Why not?"
Neil shook her head. She didn't know how to explain the fear eating a hollow knot in her chest. Something like this demanded complete honesty, and Neil had been lying since she was old enough to speak. She didn't know how to tell the truth. If she tried, would it still be the truth, or would she poison the words by saying them aloud? Would it be instinctive to twist it? She wouldn't risk it. Audrey didn't deserve that.
"Call Oakland," Neil said, because she needed to turn Wymack's questions to a safer target. "Higgins needs to know what happened tonight. You remember him?" Wymack frowned at her, so she continued. "He called Audrey at the start of the year when he was investigating Drake's father. I know he shifted the focus to Drake last month, but I don't know if he registered him as an official suspect in the system. If he didn't, the cops here won't know to notify him."
Wymack stared her down in silence for a minute, then pulled a card out of his wallet. Neil saw a glossy blue shield and guessed it was from one of the officers handling this mess. She didn't plan on sticking around for the phone call, so she ground her cigarette out beneath her shoe.
"I'm going back inside."
Wymack didn't stop her.
She went back into the emergency room to find her seat taken. There was standing room in a corner, though, so she put her back to the wall and turned her attention on the front desk again. Wymack showed up a couple minutes later, spoke briefly to the frazzled women at the desk, and handed them the plastic bag. One disappeared into the back with it, and Wymack came to wait with Neil. They said nothing else to each other, but waited for Audrey and Kevin to be released.
Kevin spilled out only a few minutes later. Nearly the entire left half of his face was bruised, and he told Wymack and Neil both that he had a minor concussion, and a few stitches in his hands from the glass. Audrey stepped through the back doors nearly half an hour after that, and Neil half wished they had left her there. She was wearing the fresh clothes, instead of the ones soaked with blood and alcohol, but even the hooded sweatshirt couldn't hide the mess Drake had made of her face.
Wymack set off to intercept Audrey on the way to the door, so Neil followed after him. Audrey glanced over when she noticed their approach. Kevin went to fetch Aaron and Nicky from across the room, and by the time he grabbed them, Audrey was already outside.
"I don't remember calling you," Audrey finally said to Wymack.
"You didn't."
"Nicky, then?" At Wymack's nod, her mouth tightened. "Well, then. Take me and Neil here home. Nicky has his keys"
Despite the crowd inside, Wymack had gotten a decent parking spot right around the corner of the building. Neil held back as they approached so Audrey could decide the seating arrangement. Audrey climbed in the passenger seat, and tugged on Wymack's pair of sunglasses without another word.
Neil got in the backseat and fastened her seatbelt with numb fingers. Her shoulder burned. She needed to get the glass out, and soon, before her skin started to heal around it. Wymack closed his door hard enough to shake the whole car, and got started only after Audrey buckled. The thought of spending the night in Columbia was repulsive, but Neil didn't get a chance to protest. There was already a car parked in the driveway, and Audrey recognized it even when Neil didn't.
"There is a really good explanation for this," Audrey said. "Can't wait to hear it."
"You know why she's here."
"I don't, Coach. This isn't her business."
"Don't even start," Wymack said as he pulled in behind the unfamiliar car. "I know you didn't honestly think you could keep this from her for long, but bringing her along tonight wasn't my idea, so don't give me that look. I didn't know Abby invited her until we were on the road."
Abby could help with Neil's shoulder. If she was ready to tell the nurse the truth, though, was something more urgent to consider.
“I hate you," Audrey said, and got out of the car.
Their arrival hadn't gone unnoticed, though, since Audrey was halfway across the grass when the front door opened to one Betsy Dobson.
Neil ground to a halt, and noticed that Audrey did too. "Bee. I don't have time to talk right now, but I'm sure Neil can keep you company."
"I have nothing to say to her," Neil said.
"I"m sure you'll come up with something," Audrey said, and her glare would have incinerated Neil if she had anything left to burn away. "You helped create this mess, after all, so you need to help clean it up. Where's your sense of responsibility?"
A knife wouldn't hurt as much. Her shoulder was nothing compared to those words. They punched the breath out of her lungs; she took a stumbling step back in a desperate bid for balance. She wanted to say that it wasn't her fault, but they both knew it was. Audrey hadn't told her about Drake directly, but she had said Luther betrayed her trust. Instead of listening to that, Neil had sided with Nicky's hopeful grief. She hadn't invited Drake to South Carolina, but she had delivered Audrey into his waiting arms.
Neil was no better than Lola.
The flash of headlights indicated the rest of the group pulling into the driveway.
She couldn't be there with them.
Guilt was a relatively new emotion for Neil, something the Foxes were teaching her through prolonged exposure to them. Up until that point, she had felt it in uncomfortable, fleeting bursts. Now it was a fierce, all-consuming heat that made her want to cut her own stomach out. She didn't know if she was going to puke or scream. Neither was acceptable, so she clenched her teeth as hard as she could. Meeting Audrey's eyes was almost impossible. Looking away, though, would be unforgivable.
"Why didn't you tell Higgins?"
Audrey's glare slipped to blithe apathy. Neil could hear the rest of Audrey's lot talking to Wymack, but ignored them. "Wouldn't have worked. He and Drake were friends after the PAL program. He wouldn't have believed me."
"Why didn't you protect the other children, then?"
"There weren't supposed to be other children," Audrey said.
"But there were."
Audrey wrapped hands around Neil's throat again. Neil saw Wymack shift in her peripheral vision, but trusted the man to stay out of their way. Until Audrey actually hurt Neil, Wymack would let them fight this out on their own terms. Wymack ushered Nicky, Kevin, and Aaron all inside. Neil kept her eyes on Audrey's face, and pitched her voice low enough that no one would hear them.
"I hope she was worth it."
"I hope your mother was worth it," Audrey said. "They usually aren't. You only told her once, and she didn't believe you, so you didn't bother."
Neil shook her head. "She believed me, there was just nothing she could do. What were you going to do? Outlast him? He was a graduating senior intent on enlisting, right? All you had to do was hold out until graduation and then she would adopt you. What went wrong?"
Audrey's fingers slowly tightened until Neil couldn't breathe anymore. She refused to shake Audrey off. The tightness in her chest started as a simple discomfort, but spread until it felt like every bone in her chest would break beneath the pressure. Neil's control started to crumble, no matter how fiercely she clung to it, and she'd just shifted to throw Audrey back when she finally loosened her grip.
Instead of letting go, Audrey slid her hand around the back of Neil's neck, and pulled her in close. She put her mouth to Neil's ear and lowered her voice.
"Drake deferred his enlistment," Audrey said. "He wanted to make the most of his last summer with his baby sister. He even asked Cass if we could invite Aaron up for a couple weeks so we could all meet. Cass left it up to me, but whenever she wasn't looking, Drake tried talking me into it. He wanted to get us both in the same place. He could imagine what we'd look like in bed together, he said. It'd be picture perfect."
Neil flinched. She'd pushed because she needed to feel something else than the horrible crush of guilt.
"Give me a truth, Neil. Give me a truth, and then leave me alone for good."
Neil stared at her, flitting desperately across her face to find anything other than her uncaring blankness. She didn't find anything. She couldn't find anything.
Neil made sure she was blocked from prying eyes with Audrey's body, then slipped her arm out of the sleeve and rucked up her sleeve enough to show the wound on her shoulder.
"Top of the bottle," Neil said. "I didn't want it on the record because as you say, I'm a runaway."
"That's my coat," Audrey said, and each word was flat. "It better not have blood on it when you return it."
With that, she turned away. She said something to Betsy, but Neil wasn't listening. The only thing she could hear was static as she pushed her way inside. She wanted to run and scream and hide and throw everything away and start over in a new location.
She didn't do any of that.
She went to the bathroom, locked the door, turned on the shower, and pulled the first aid kit out from under the sink. Neil finally got a good look at the wound. It was a mess, and she only then realized that the glass had shredded a fair bit of the skin of her arm before it had stuck in one spot. Each piece of glass was slowly but surely removed, each one pink with blood when Neil dropped them into the trash. Her hands shook with the pain, with the lack of alcohol to take the edge off, but after a while, when she prodded at the skin with a sanitizer wipe, she came up satisfied. There was no glass left, at least. Gauze and tape and ointment came next. It didn't seem to be deep enough for stitches, it was only inconvenient.
She had no change of clothes.
Neil powered her phone on. There was a flood of new messages that Neil ignored and pressed Matt's contact.
"Neil? Are you okay?" Matt asked. "Coach was– well, he–"
"Matt," Neil breathed, then thunked her head against the bathroom door. "Come and get me. I'm at the cousins' house in Columbia."
Neil turned off the shower and unlocked the bathroom door, though left it shut as she pushed herself up and out of the window. The accusation about Neil's hands in all of this was still a fresh wound, bleeding all over, and Neil wasn't strong enough to apply pressure. She wasn't strong enough to even stay the night in the same house as Audrey.
No one noticed her sitting outside on the curb. She must have been barely visible, anyway, sitting in between the GS and Coach's car.
Matt made the hour drive in forty-five minutes. Neil clambered into his truck without comment and immediately fell asleep with her head against the cool window. She didn't know if it was simply because of her exhaustion, or the still-burning guilt in her gut, but she didn't dream.
She woke with a jolt when he parked at the tower, but slid out before he could ask her any questions. Matt, of course, jogged after her.
"Dude–"
"I'll tell you tomorrow," Neil said, holding up a placating hand as they walked. "I'm tired."
"Neil," Matt called, and finally caught up. "Dude, you don't have to answer, I just want to know if you're okay. Are you hurt?"
Neil considered lying, then sighed. "Just a little roughed up. Did Coach say anything?"
"Was he supposed to?"
"You mentioned Coach on the phone when I called you. What did he say?"
Matt slipped into the elevator behind Neil while she slumped against the wall. "He called Dan and said some of you were at the hospital? And basically just told us not to bother him and to be safe tonight. And we thought maybe it was another Eden's situation, but then Renee said Audrey wouldn't do that to you, and then Dan remembered that you were down there for Nicky's parents or whatever."
Neil shoved open the door to their dorm, only to find the other three upperclassmen splayed about the room. Allison and Dan opened their mouths at the same time, but Neil held up a hand and ignored all protest until she was shut successfully in the bathroom.
That time, when the shower kicked on with only a few sputtering coughs, she didn't climb out any windows. It was a quick matter of scrubbing down with the water hot enough to turn her skin raw and red. Audrey's stolen pajama bottoms, for the first time, were more of a comfort than a taunt. She was risking a little by not replacing her thoroughly worn and peeling tape, but the idea of peeling it off and replacing it with fresh strips was too much when her chest and ribs were already aching. Instead, she tugged on a t-shirt before pulling on one of the bulky yet soft sweatshirts Allison had bought for her.
Sure enough, all four present upperclassmen had arranged themselves on Matt's couch. All of the girls were in their pajamas, and Matt was only in a tank-top and basketball pants.
Neil yawned just looking at them. The clock on the microwave said it was almost one in the morning. She scrubbed a hand through her hair, then dropped onto the floor across from the couch, leaning her head on the coffee table.
"It's not my business to share," Neil said, and only chewed her lip for a moment. "But I know you'll get your answers one way or another through Nicky tomorrow, and I think that you should leave them all alone for now. We were at Nicky's parents, and they were trying to reconnect Audrey with one of her abusers behind her back. He attacked Audrey before Aaron took him out, so then we all had to go to the hospital."
"Everyone was at the hospital just for Audrey?" Dan frowned. "That doesn't seem like them."
Neil waved a hand. "Kevin has a concussion."
"Someone should tell Katelyn," Dan said. "And you look like you need to go to bed."
"Remember that tomorrow, you're still coming with me," Allison said. "We'll leave at eight."
Neil nodded, then hauled herself to her feet. Dan got up too, and asked, "Can I hug you?"
"No," Neil said. "Thanks, for the ride, Matt. Goodnight."
Eight, as it turned out, was far too early. She had only woken a few minutes before to change her pants, and to brush her teeth. Allison was waiting outside in the hall, and shoved a protein shake at her. Neil blinked down at it, and then again when Allison tapped her matching one against hers as a cheers.
The drive to Easthaven wasn't a bad one. Silent, sure, but the radio filled any space that conversation might have and was enough of a distraction that Neil pushed all thoughts of Audrey aside. Allison left the top of her convertible down, and the wind constantly ripped through Neil's short hair. It might have been cold to the locals, but Neil's worst nightmares were haunted by the endless cold winters they had spent in Europe. She wanted to know what the wind and its chill it felt like for Allison. Well, not only that. Neil wanted to know what it would feel like with a hair like Allison's. Would it tangle? Would it hurt? It didn't seem to affect Allison, but that seemed to be the case for most things. Neil let her arm hang out the side of the car in a way Mary would never have allowed, and slumped back against the seat.
It took Neil an almost alarming amount of time to realize that for the first time, Allison seemed nervous. Her hands drummed on the steering wheel, and kept that tapping rhythm up with her fingertips all the way into the waiting room.
She'd already cased the lobby on her way to the front desk, but fortunately she didn't have to do anything but stand behind Allison. Floral paintings added a bit of color and a fireplace facade was built into the far wall. The place was trying for homey and came off like a catalogue showroom. It was almost reminiscent of the Baltimore house. At least it didn't smell like antiseptic, or blood.
"Great," the clerk said when Allison finished up the paperwork. "I'll ring Doctor Slosky and let him know you're here."
They took up seats in flimsy chairs, but didn't have to wait long. A middle aged man joined them and shook both of their hands.
"My name is Alan Slosky. I've been Seth Gordon's primary therapist during his stay here. Thank you for coming today."
"How many doctors was he assigned?" Allison asked.
"Four, but don't let that scare you. It's not unusual for our patients to see multiple doctors. For example, a patient might see me for group counseling, a colleague of mine for intensive one on one, and one for our rehabilitation specialist. I handpicked Seth's team, as I do for all our clients, and can assure you they're some of the finest."
"I guess we'll both see about that," Allison said frostily.
The doctor didn't take the bait. Neil wondered if it was prudence or an unintended confession of failure. "Can I trust that he will have your support in the days ahead? If you have any questions or need advice on how to proceed, please feel free to call me. I'll give you my card."
"No, thank you," Allison said, and crossed her legs. "I believe you've said all you need to say?"
The doctor nodded. "Make yourselves comfortable while you wait. He should be down soon; he just needs to sign out of his room."
Allison kept a glare pinned on the man until he was through the swinging door by the desk. She finally sighed and slumped back when he was out of sight, and the drumming came back, glittery nails tapping across her thigh.
"What a dick," she said. Neil, who hated all doctors on principle, nodded. "I mean, just say, 'hey you're all losers and we know exactly what kind of people you are.' How much can you help people if your high horse is so tall you can't see us lowly freaks down here on the ground?"
She didn't have anything to say to that, so Neil just nodded. It was slightly too warm in there; Neil felt drowsy just from sitting there. Allison opened her mouth again, and Neil forced herself to focus, but whatever it was cut off abruptly. Neil turned, trying to spot the source, and barely recognized Seth Gordon.
His buzzed hair had grown out to an awkward length, and all the piercings in his ears had been removed. There was no trace of anything in his face except a deep, haggard exhaustion that turned the skin under his eyes to a nasty looking purple. He spotted them immediately, but seemed to freeze. He seemed half lost.
Allison, who was already out of her chair, paused. Neil got up hesitantly after her, and that seemed to spur Seth into motion. He took only a few steps, and tugged Allison into his chest with an arm. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and closed his eyes for a moment. Neil couldn't even begin to parse what he was thinking. She would guess relief, if it weren't for the almost tangible weight that was dragging down his shoulders.
Seth finally spoke, voice rough. "Let's get out of here. I need to talk to Abby."
Allison nodded. She was obviously taking Seth's lead in the entire thing, so she didn't say another word as she handed over the keys to her car, and took the passenger seat. Neil climbed into the backseat without comment.
It was easy to tell that this was not the same Seth who had left them. Neil didn't mind the silence, but it was clear for all to see that it was grating on Allison's continuously fraying nerves. The radio seemed quiet in the mountain of stress that Allison seemed to be putting off in waves. Parking at Reddin seemed to be an experience for both of them in the front seat, emotions clearly flowing in a way Neil didn't even bother trying to interpret. Neil ignored them both and climbed out the side of the car.
"Al," Seth finally said. "I want you to sit out for this one. I'll come back to the dorms and we can talk, but can you just wait outside?"
Neil made to get back in the car, but Seth caught her arm. "You can come. I need some asshole to tell me I'm fine. Let's go."
"Is Allison not enough of an asshole?"
Seth scoffed, but even Neil could tell it was half-hearted. They were halfway up to the building when Seth finally said, "I always knew you were a freak, and Wymack never goes into people's personal lives in front of the team, but I have a feeling."
"A feeling about what?"
"That I could say just about anything to you, and you wouldn't give a fuck."
Neil shrugged. He was probably right.
"Does Abby even have an office here?" Neil asked as it occurred to her.
Seth pushed open another door, and let it swing closed just in time to smack Neil if she hadn't pushed it open and stepped through. "Yeah, it's got all of her nurse shit instead of just her court emergency stuff. Keep up."
She wasn't sure if he meant in the conversation or not, but jogged to walk side-by-side with him anyway. Abby's office was at the end of a hallway, and he delivered two sharp knocks before pushing the door open. There was a desperate scramble of noise inside. Neil's view was blocked by Seth, but she didn't need to see inside to recognize Coach's cursing.
"Christ, Gordon," he finally huffed. "You could've knocked."
Seth's stony expression from the first second he pushed out of the door at Easthaven didn't crack. "I need Abby."
"Right, right. Call me if you need me. It's good to have you back, kid."
Seth braced a forearm against Neil's chest and flattened her against the wall so Wymack could skirt past. Neil winced hard, not expecting the pressure against her ever-sore ribs, and Seth eyed her before visibly deciding to ignore it. Seth pushed Neil through the door ahead of him, and shut the door.
Abby began to gesture at the chairs in front of her desk, opening her mouth, but Seth beat her to it by asking, "How long after the fact does a rape kit count for evidence?"
Neil had been keeping a safe distance from her own emotions since the guilt had gnawed a burning hole straight through her. This, however, was the same as always. One way or another, Neil's life had always been surrounded by violence. It was almost comforting in its familiarity. Maybe Seth was right after all; she was exactly the asshole he was looking for.
Abby, to her credit, only let her truly devastated expression last for barely a couple seconds before she visibly swallowed and steeled herself. "No matter the time, a rape kit can always be submitted as evidence. However, the DNA and any injury is better documented as recent as possible."
"Do you have one here?"
"I do, but if you want the evidence to be immediately submitted to the police, then you might be better off at the hospital."
"I only want you to do it."
"Alright." Abby swallowed again, but her expression remained neutral. "I can perform it here, in my office, but if you'd prefer an exam room, then–"
"Here is fine."
"Do you want Neil to stay or go?"
"What do you say, dickwad? Are you staying or going?"
Neil took only a half second to realize that she was the dickwad in question, then shook her head. If Seth actually didn't want her here, he would have left her in the car with Allison.
Abby described the first few steps aloud while she prepared her supplies, and when she had his permission, began her exam. Neil turned to the wall so she wouldn’t intrude. She felt a sick churching in her stomach, not from what was happening, but with how soft Abby was. Neil listened to each word of comfort Abby gave to Seth, and clung to them. Mary would never have been this gentle. At no point did Abby pretend it was anything other than it was, or try to downplay the absolute horror that it must have been. Seth only said a few words here and there, but none of them were spoken over or ignored.
The final step was finished, and Abby left the room to grab a change of clothes for Seth. Neil finally turned around when she heard Seth put his shoes back on. Seth jabbed a thumb at his own chest, and his new Fox t-shirt.
"I swear to god, I've had enough orange to last me a lifetime."
Abby's smile was shaky, but real. "I never understood why my parents seemed to have so many shirts with their various school names and colors. Now I work at a school, and I definitely get it."
She had also procured Seth a water bottle, which he paused to drink from. There was an STD screening that he would apparently need to piss in a cup for, but that was the last and final step, since Neil had heard Abby walk him through the others. Abby organized all the collected evidence into a plastic bag, and zipped it shut.
"You don't have to do anything with this if you don't want to," Abby said, fiddling with the end of her latex glove. "If you want, I can take you straight to the police department with this and immediately file a report. If you want, I can hang onto it for as long as you want and if you eventually feel like you want to do nothing with it, I can throw it away and I won't tell a soul. It's a direct violation of HIPAA for me to say anything to anyone but you."
Seth looked at Neil. Neil looked back, but didn't have anything to say. Seth clenched his jaw, dropping his shoulders, and shook his head. She stared at him, trying to figure it out. Trying to figure out why she was allowed to be there.
"Let's go to the police," Seth said. "Neil?"
"If the cops ask me something, I'm not going to answer," Neil warned.
"You wouldn't be a Fox if you did. C'mon. Abby? You driving?"
"Don't you have to go piss in that cup?" Neil asked.
"Neil," Abby said warningly, but Seth only rolled his eyes and waved his middle finger about as he walked out the door.
Once the door shut, Neil dug her pink phone out of her pocket and dialed Allison. She picked up nearly immediately, and Neil internally grimaced.
"Neil?"
"Go back to Fox Tower," she said. "Abby's going to help us out with something, and she'll drop us off when we're done."
"Wait, Neil," Allison said, "What–"
Neil hung up. Abby was giving her a look, but Neil ignored it until Abby pointedly cleared her throat.
"What?"
Abby raised an eyebrow at her. "I think you could've handled that better."
"Probably," Neil agreed, "But I'm not going to. Whatever shit they decide to deal with, they can do it on their own time."
She looked at her a little longer, then finally shook her head. Whatever she was going to say next never came, since Seth opened the door and handed Abby the plastic cup.
"Still warm."
Neil groaned.
Apparently Neil wasn't just moral support for the exam, but also for any and all police statements. It seemed like the minute the words psychiatrist and mental rehabilitation left Seth's mouth, no one kept listening. Again and again, Neil watched the officer's hand slow on the notes. Neil knew exactly what someone who was faking writing looked like.
"Are you slowly becoming illiterate?" Neil asked. "Why aren't you writing? Actually, no, can you just tell me your first and last name?"
"Why is that important right now?"
"So I can call and report your inability and lack of care for a victim's story. Would I report that to a sergeant, or do you have a captain?"
Unsurprisingly, it didn't take long for them to get placed with a new cop, one who just happened to be a woman. Abby handed over all of the collected evidence, and for some reason, also made sure Neil was there for every step of her statement as well. When Seth and Abby both finished their statements, Neil spoke up and asked, "Can we get a printed copy of this entire report?"
"We usually don't–"
"Please." Neil said, and felt the Butcher's smile cross her face. "Maybe just try doing your job for once, and print copies of everything. Surely you know how to work a copy machine?"
"Neil," Abby said warningly
But Neil had already gotten her point across. She couldn't be sure if it was just the general attitude of a cop, but now she had her guard up. Seth gave her shoulder a brief squeeze, and there was something in his face that almost looked like gratitude.
Seth and Abby both got a printed out copy of the case in neatly labelled manilla folders. Abby said nothing, and Seth waited until they were outside to say, "This better not be some mafia bullshit. I saw that look in your eyes. You think it is, don't you?"
"I don't know anything for sure," Neil said, then shrugged, but anything she could've said was interrupted by her phone ringing. Their little group came to a stop, loitering right in front of the door while Neil saw Audrey's contact name flash on the screen. She grimaced before answering. "What is it?"
"Where are you?"
"Palmetto."
"Why?"
"You said you didn't want to see me, so I had Matt come and pick me up."
"And yet you didn't bother telling anyone where you went."
"You said–"
"I know what I said," Audrey growled. "It makes it hard to protect you when you run."
"I thought we agreed that I didn't want your protection. You gave me your game instead."
"You sound like Kevin."
"Is that all you wanted?"
Audrey's stoney silence was answer enough, but Neil wasn't fast enough. By the time she had pulled the phone from her ear, Audrey had hung up on her.
"Whatever," Neil sighed, then kept walking. "Let's go."
"What, we're just supposed to ignore that?" Seth mocked. "Trouble in paradise?"
Neil looked up while she counted to ten in English, but couldn't entirely fight off the need to roll her eyes. "I don't know if it's mafia related or not. I didn't think it would be until the police got weird about it, but it could've just been because we're Foxes. Our reputation precedes us, so it's not a surprise that no one wants to take accusations against a doctor on your word alone."
"So the copies," Seth gathered.
Neil nodded. "Can't destroy a case that you both have copies of, even if you can destroy the evidence. Even if they pretended not to know, or pretended to forget, we got those copies signed with multiple signatures. They can't forget it."
Seth's jaw clenched. He dropped into Abby's front seat, and let out a half snarl, half growling sound that had Neil pause in buckling her seat belt.
"If this is all for Kevin fucking Day," Seth said slowly, "I am going to beat the ever-loving shit out of him. If all of that, if those months of– ugh." He slammed his fist against the dashboard once, then twice. "I don't even want to see him right now. Take me to your house, Abby. If I have to see Kevin, I'll kill him."
In the back seat, Neil swallowed. She knew just as well as Seth did that it was now equal parts her fault and Kevin's. Riko had set his gaze on the Foxes because of Kevin, sure, but it was Neil that was keeping it there. Neil had heard Seth's entire statement. The recount of each horrible action that he could remember, and the things he couldn't remember but that had left a mark on him anyway. The guilt wasn't just back, it was shredding her insides.
"Drop me off at the Court," Neil managed.
Seth snapped his fingers. "Good idea. Send shortbus into the Tower so he can get me some clothes, then drop him off at the court."
"Neil?" Abby asked. "Is that good with you?"
"Sure," she said, swallowing back anything else. "That's fine."
"If Coach asks," Seth said after a second too long for it to be a casual mention. "Tell him I'm good to play on Friday, but I don't want to be starting striker anymore. It would only be something that fucks me up right now. You can have it. Are you still doing your night practices?"
"Yeah. Kevin might be out until his concussion gets better, but yeah. I am."
"Then I'll see you there tomorrow."
It was a statement, but Neil understood the weight of the question behind it anyway. She nodded.
Matt wasn't in their dorm. Neil didn't see anyone on their floor of the Tower, actually. It was her first time going through Seth's things, although, it probably shouldn't have been. She pulled one of the grocery sacks that Matt saved out from under the sink and filled it with what she guessed were pajamas, then sweats and a tee for the next day, as well as some extra underwear. His toothbrush, left abandoned by the sink for a few months now, also went in the bag, next to his toothpaste.
Abby had turned on the radio in the time she ran inside, so she buckled to the sound of rock softly puttering out of the speakers. Seth snatched the bag from her, and dug through it. Neil took the lack of criticism as praise, and didn't say anything for the short drive. Neil jogged over to the court door, already rustling through her keys to pull out the proper ones.
She didn't expect to find the Foxes, already gathered in the lounge. It was late, for them, but Neil saw that there was food spread out amongst them, the pizza boxes open and all picked through. The only ones missing were Kevin and Audrey, and Neil knew just as well as Audrey must have that if Kevin went to the court with a concussion, it still wouldn't stop him from playing. Aaron's presence was a surprise, until Neil spotted Katelyn tucked between him and Nicky.
Allison, pinched between Dan and Renee, was the first to notice her, and the first to speak. "Where's Seth?"
"With Abby," Neil said, lingering in the doorway. "He's sleeping at her house tonight."
"Grab some pizza," Wymack said. "I was just about to get started."
"Is this a meeting?" Neil asked, coming in hesitantly.
"Not really. I just need to talk to my Foxes."
Neil sat on the ground, her normal spot being taken by Katelyn. They would have to rearrange when Seth got back. However, if it was going to be like the original set up, Neil wouldn't be able to sit by Audrey or Kevin. She would be fine with that, but didn't think Audrey would be, unless her need to be left alone kept up.
"I know I've always told you all to take your personal problems up with Betsy or Abby," Wymack said, then took a moment to finish off the crust of his pizza. "I know I've said it's not my place to get into anything outside the court. I hope you've all figured out by now that I'm just blowing hot air. I'm not real good at being a shoulder, but I do have a working set of ears. Even without the shitshow we've had this year, you're still all Foxes. If you need me, I'll be there."
Neil thought of Audrey's hair, matted with blood, and of Seth in Abby's office. As if sensing her thoughts' direction, though, Wymack continued.
"Maybe not right now. In fact, I think I'm too late in saying this by half. But, my offer doesn't expire. Figure out what you need to cope, and let us know. Neil, Aaron, Allison, I'm looking at you specifically. I'll talk to Audrey and Kevin after this, but I wanted you all to know that. Got it?"
There was a soft round of 'yes coach' and Neil dropped her chin onto her knees. Apparently, the entire team was just going to ignore Katelyn's presence again. Neil wondered vaguely what Aaron had said to her that convinced her to come to a Fox meeting. There had to be more entertaining places to be. They were closer to being a lion's den than a fox's hole in terms of danger. Audrey could show at any time, and even if Aaron had held onto her knives at the hospital, Neil was extremely confident she must have gotten them back by now.
"Let's talk about the season," Wymack said after finishing another piece of pizza.
"Should we get Kevin on the phone?" Dan asked, but even Neil could tell the joke was half-hearted at best.
"The ERC is letting us play, since we have Seth back to stand in for Kevin, but Audrey's going to be out on injury for at least a week. Neil, Allison said you were with Seth when he got his physical redone?"
Neil shrugged. Wymack and Allison's stares were boring into her, but it was nothing even compared to a glance from any of the Wensinski crew.
"Seth said he'll play on Friday."
Wymack took that however he wanted, then nodded. "We're still within regulations, even if we have to drop this game."
"Do we have to drop, though?" Dan asked.
"I haven't pulled us out yet," Wymack said, "But the only way we can play is if you're subbing for Seth, and none of us have an idea of what kind of shape he's in after two months of no court and no daily workouts. Not just Kevin's out though, Renee would have to spend a whole game in goal. Opting out is one loss, but if we're in bad shape, we'll lose anyway. But, you're my Foxes. You say you can win, and I'll believe you."
"I can," Dan said decisively, "Renee?"
Renee chewed on her lip, but she was already nodding. "I can."
Wymack nodded. That was that."Be here at six o'clock tomorrow morning. We've got a game to win Friday."
Dan launched herself at him, and the girls cheered, then got Nicky joining in on it. Katelyn reached down and squeezed Neil's shoulder, so she gave the cheerleader a nod in return. Almost against her better judgement, she found herself smiling. She let the weight of the guilt she had been carrying seep from her, and let her teammates sweep her into their celebration.
Notes:
sorry seth :( i considered this for a long time but moriyama plant or not, rape really has nothing to do with the victim and everything to do w the perpetrator, and seth with no close family and no one to report back to honestly looks like the ideal victim. fortunately, he has the foxes <3 he just needs time to get back on his feet and figure out who he is now, so i’m excited to slowly work through and with seth. the minyards… this will also change things and im excited to show u guys how. and yay neil didnt miss out on climbing through the bathroom window, it was just later. imagine ur audrey and the boy that’s so weird and strange and that you’re so mad at DISAPPEARS RIGHT AFTER U WERE ATTACKED and then she’s at some fuckass police station and doesn’t even tell you! i’d be pissed lmao
Chapter 15: christmas banquet
Notes:
hello sorry for the later than usual update, i kind of got a cat but i'm just. terribly allergic to cats. idk. tws for riko and talk of drake and easthaven but honestly it's lowk a chill chapter. any mistakes are my own, thank u nora for the dialogue
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Tuesday practice came as close as possible to any kind of normal. Neil had been following Audrey's instructions to leave her alone by going out of her way to avoid her. It helped that Audrey apparently hadn't left the dorm, citing her concussion, which Neil found out when Kevin banged on their dorm door at five-fifty in the morning. He had Nicky and Aaron standing behind him, and promptly shoved keys in her hands.
"What is this?" Neil asked, holding the keyring up.
"Audrey's keys," Nicky said, and Neil wondered how much his exhaustion was dampening the obviously toned down reaction. "Audrey said you're the only person allowed to drive, and we need to get to the stadium somehow. You're driving us. C'mon."
Aaron didn't say a word, but piled into the back of the car. Kevin took the front seat as Neil drove them to the stadium. Nicky seemed used to the cold shoulder, even if Neil still thought it was aimed at her, not him. It lasted through practice, to the point where Wymack pulled him aside. Neil assumed it was to ask if he was alright, since he seemed even more waspish after.
Kevin couldn't play, but was yelling from the sidelines twice as much to make up for it. His presence on the court could hardly be missed when his voice was constantly grinding against each and every one of Neil's nerves. Every time she lifted her racquet, or stretched her arm during a drill, the gash on her arm complained. She couldn't decide which was more annoying: Kevin, or the physical injury.
Seth didn't show.
Even the break in classes wasn't enough for him to cool off, it seemed. The only distraction came in the form of the upperclassmen finally noticing who was driving Audrey's car. Matt was quickest to comment about it.
"When Audrey finds out you've stolen her car," Matt started, but left the rest of the threat unspoken.
"Audrey knows," Neil shrugged. "She gave me the keys. Or, well, had Kevin give them to me."
Matt stared at her, startled. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. When Neil frowned at him, he only shook his head. Neil let it go. After practice, Neil sought out Renee. The goalkeeper was sweaty and exhausted from pushing herself hard all day, but she still offered a smile.
"Hi, Neil. Is there something I can help you with?"
"Spar with me?"
"Sure. Tonight?"
"Sounds good."
Neil didn't bother changing or showering after sparring. It was good to practice the skills that she hadn't consistently since Mary, even if she had to focus on her breathing the entire way back to her dorms so as to not have a freak out. She opened the door to their bedroom, intending to grab a jacket, but stopped in her tracks.
"Forgot we shared a room," Neil said dumbly, after Seth cracked an eye to stare at her.
"Do I even want to see the other guy?" Seth asked.
Neil grimaced. She had forgotten about the hit she took to her jaw. "Just Renee."
"Not you too." Seth heaved himself out of the bed and rubbed his eyes. "Are we ready to go?"
"For night practice?"
"Did you forget?"
"No," Neil lied. "I didn't think you would want to go."
"Well, I want to."
"Kevin will probably be there. He's on one today."
"Isn't he always?"
Neil shrugged, then grabbed her jacket. "Let's go."
Shockingly, Kevin had no comment about Seth's presence. He took it with silence, and they kept that up until they got to the court. It wasn't Kevin to break the silence first, but Seth, pointing a finger at Neil as she changed. Since Kevin knew her secret, she had gotten accustomed to changing out with him. Kevin had come from the Ravens, where modesty was never an issue and couldn't care less. Neil only too late realized that she was wearing the binder bra Abby had given her rather than sports tape. She couldn't bear the recent soreness from the heavy racquet combined with the harder ache from the tape. The bra and a hot shower would have to be enough, she had decided, but was coming to regret it. She had become far too complacent. Just because Kevin already knew didn't mean that everyone else did.
"Are you wearing a bra, shortbus?"
Kevin visibly paled, but Neil tried to slough off her own nerves to stay detached. "Abby wants me to wear it."
After a weirdly tense moment, Seth had nothing to say to that. It felt like a conclusion he had to come to, keeping his mouth shut. Nothing to say after the help that both Abby and Neil had given him, apparently, so they finished changing and met on the court.
Seth hadn't lost as much as Neil had feared he might. That being said, well, Neil knew they had their work cut out for them. Kevin, somehow, was able to keep his mouth shut too, for the most part. Seth made Neil run through the Raven drills while he watched, and finally, finally, the neutral mask on his face cracked right across the middle and he grinned. It was small, half feral, but there all the same.
"I want that."
Neil grinned right back. "Good."
Wednesday was almost an exact copy of Tuesday, except that Seth showed up to practice. Neil didn't bother even beginning to sort out whatever mess was brewing between him and Allison, but was pleased because of it. Whatever fear that Seth had of Allison kept Seth sticking close to Neil and using her as a buffer. To avoid her, he was throwing himself head first into his striker role. Neil felt the ground under her court shoes pounding away with a strength like never before. The addition of Seth, and her brand new heavy racquet, she felt unstoppable.
That night, Kevin didn't come to the dining hall. He was replaced by Katelyn. Maybe Aaron warned Nicky ahead of time, because Nicky didn't so much as blink when she showed up with a tray. Katelyn seemed nervous at first, almost unfamiliar with Neil and Nicky. It was the opposite as that first day in the library, though, since she was mostly silent the entire meal. Aaron looked so alive in her presence that Neil couldn't hold it against her, even if she wouldn't have chosen the girl as their dinner partner.
Thursday was another day of Seth on the court, and Neil finally knew they would win.
When Kevin came to the dining hall without Audrey, there was a moment where Aaron froze. Neil had already taken advantage of Katelyn's presence to get her pouring over her latest Japanese homework assignment. Still, both of them looked up from the worksheet to watch Kevin. He didn't look angry or betrayed, just calculating.
It took him only five minutes to switch seats with Nicky and to criticize their work on the homework. When that wasn't enough for him, Katelyn pulled out her own worksheet and they all worked on it as a group. As obnoxious and haughty as Kevin was about it, there was no arguing his fluency.
Friday's game wasn't an easy win by any standard, but against JD Campbell and with Seth back, the Foxes still had a six point margin, bumping their season record to eleven-two. Katelyn was waiting for Aaron when he stepped off the court. Kevin was on the bench, but so was Audrey. Neil thought it nothing short of idiotic, but pushed past all of them to get to the locker rooms.
Maybe their embrace was what inspired Dan, because as soon as the Foxes were in the foyer, she said, "We should celebrate."
Nicky didn't even hesitate. "Only if there's alcohol."
The silence that followed was telling: Dan had said it, but hadn't honestly expected Nicky to take her up on it. Still, since Audrey didn't say anything, Neil knew it was permission. Fortunately for everyone, Renee was quick to rally. "We've got those bottles back in our room. There should be more than enough to go around."
Aaron looked at Renee like she'd grown three heads. "We don't socialize with you."
"You do tonight," Matt said, clearly also having taken Audrey's silence as an answer. "The Vixens can come."
Allison shot him an incredulous look, but Dan beat her to it, and said, "No, they should. I've been here for four years and I probably only know five of them by name. That's kind of sad, considering they've stuck by us this whole time. I don't know if we can fit the entire squad in our room, but…"
"The basement study rooms are big enough," Renee suggested when Dan trailed off. "I doubt anyone will be down there on a Friday night, so we can make as much noise as we like. You'll invite them, won't you, Aaron?"
"No," Aaron said, like he couldn't believe they were still talking about it. Still, though, Neil watched his eyes flick over to Audrey, trying to read her. Her silence seemed to terrify him more.
"I'll call Katelyn," Neil said. "Go grab a study room and I'll tell her which one to bring the Vixens to."
Audrey glared right at her. It had been nearly the full week since Audrey had looked at her, and Neil felt like she was gasping her first breath after drowning.
"Thanks for taking one for the team, Neil." Nicky said. "You're a real friend."
She should just let it go, or at least leave it to think about later, but Neil couldn't resist. It would bother her all night if she didn't. "Are we?" She asked. Realizing Nicky couldn't follow her twisting train of thought, Neil forced herself to say, "Friends?"
It was like that one word punched all the joy out of Nicky, but the look that crossed Nicky's face after was too fast for Neil to decipher. Nicky's smile was back a second later, but it didn't reach his eyes. Neil might have apologized, except Nicky reached out a hand hesitantly. Neil wasn't sure what he wanted, but nodded, and Nicky reached forward to scrub a hand through her hair.
"You are going to be the absolute death of me," Nicky said. "Yeah, kid. We're friends. You're stuck with us, like it or not."
"If that's been settled," Wymack said from the doorway, "get your asses to the showers. You're dripping sweat all over my floor, you stink, and I have better things to do tonight than watch you powwow."
"Yes, Coach."
The Foxes split up to the changing rooms. Neil carried the conversation with her past the phone call and Katelyn's ecstatic agreement to the shower. She stood under the spray and stared at her upturned palms. She wondered what it meant; she wondered if it could mean anything to someone like her. She had Riko right in front of her, her father's ghost behind her, and six months before Nathalie laid Neil Josten to rest for good. Having friends wouldn't change anything.
But would it really hurt?
There was only one way to find out.
That was, apparently, avoiding the basement in the bottom of the Tower like the plague. Neil passed Audrey's keys off on Kevin so he could pass them along, waved to Katelyn, then went to bed early.
Still, the thoughts plagued her. It felt something like friendship when Seth joined their night practices without argument to the point she almost asked Seth if they were friends. He was obviously using the extra practice to keep avoiding Allison, but unless it interfered with the team in a way that didn't benefit her, she wasn't going to do anything about it.
Kevin was cleared to play that Wednesday, and had to be nearly dragged out by Audrey. Thanksgiving came and went. Matt went home to see his mother, and offered both Seth and Neil an invitation, which she politely declined. Dan went to see her stage sisters, and Allison went with Renee to see Stephanie. She spent the five day weekend at the court with Kevin, and avoided Audrey when possible. Audrey had no interest in driving on a holiday, said Kevin, so they ended up using the jog through the empty campus as their daily warmups.
Audrey's group spent Thanksgiving at Abby's with Wymack and Betsy. Neil had no plans to go, since she knew Audrey would be there. That made her more than a little wary at the knock that came at the dorm's door that evening.
It was Kevin, a grocery sack full of tupperware on his arm. Neil shut the door after him, and followed him to sit, albeit confusedly, on the couch. He was obviously drunk, but not so deep in the bottle that he was swaying or losing his balance. His movements were normal as he dug through the back and procured a tupperware to hand to Neil.
"Everything's from Abby," Kevin said, like it was an explanation. It was, Neil supposed, but not to any of the questions she actually had. "None of the desserts lasted very long anyway, so you didn't get them. Aaron says her pies are shit anyway, so you weren't missing much."
Neil shrugged, and watched as Kevin stumbled his way back to the kitchen to grab them both forks.
"Eat," Kevin said. "Come on."
"Why?"
Kevin rolled his eyes. "Because it's Thanksgiving."
"I've never celebrated before," Neil defended, and took the offered fork, then took a bite.
"Yeah, well, neither have I," Kevin shrugged. "We didn't have it in the Nest, but you're supposed to spend it with your family, aren't you?"
Neil frowned. "Why would you ask me?"
Kevin sighed, and dropped his head onto the couch. "You're so pathetic."
"What?"
"I'm glad you got out," Kevin sighed. "But if you hadn't, we would have spent Thanksgiving together. Whether or not we were celebrating, I guess."
"Against both of our European mothers' best wishes," Neil finally said, then ate her turkey.
Monday heralded the last week of their Exy season. The Foxes returned from their holiday breaks refreshed and ready to end the year on a triumphant note. They brought an almost savage energy to practices and burned themselves out against each other. Neil expected them to split up afterward and spend the evenings in their separate groups. Somehow they all ended up at the dining hall at the same time. Neil didn't know who orchestrated it. She didn't really care, though. Neil was already sitting when the twins made their way to where Kevin and Nicky were already sitting with them. Aaron balked at the sight of the upperclassmen, but Audrey sat down with no change in her blank expression.
Renee was the only one who visibly brightened at their arrival. She leaned across the table, and said, "Audrey, we're so glad to have you sit with us. I actually had something I wanted to ask you."
Audrey said nothing, but held Renee's gaze. Renee understood that as permission to continue, so she said, "Would you be my date to the banquet?"
"I'm not going," Audrey said.
"What?" Dan immediately asked. "Why not?"
"We have to testify in court," Aaron said shortly.
"Not you, Kevin?" Neil asked.
Kevin shook his head. "I didn't press charges. The media was already going wild about it, and I didn't want to fan flames even more."
"It's one thing if it's just two wayward Foxes," Audrey said. "Everyone knows we're trouble. But when we drag dear, precious Kevin Day into it?"
"In that case," Renee said smoothly, "Neil, would you mind stepping in as my date?"
Neil hadn't planned on bringing anyone, but she said, "Okay."
That was enough for Renee, but it was also enough for Nicky to get going on his troubles. Neil offered a tentative smile back at Renee, and felt some of that uncomfortable warmth sitting in her chest for the rest of dinner.
A little surprisingly, Audrey cornered Neil after dinner.
"Kevin is going to the banquet," Audrey said, apropos of nothing. She had just gotten the stitches in her scalp removed, and the scar from the glass would hardly be visible when it healed. Neil blinked, then nodded, so she continued. "Kevin is going to the banquet, and you are going to stick by his side. I don't want Riko to get within shouting distance of him. Yes?"
"Sure," Neil said. She could barely understand but if Audrey needed to say it, or whatever, then Neil was more than happy to nod. "But he doesn't have to go."
"He does," Audrey said. "If he wants to spend Christmas without me watching his back, then he'll need to prove to me that he won't have a breakdown by leaving him alone."
"What's happening at Christmas?" Neil asked.
"Testifying."
"Yeah but in Columbia."
"First Columbia," Audrey said slowly, "Then California. Riko has meddled and stuck his fingers where they don't belong and now I need to fix it. I don't know how long I'll be there, but I can't take Kevin."
Neil slowly nodded. That made sense. The only thing that didn't was Audrey, in front of her.
"Why ask me?" Neil said. "I'm nothing."
"You have stood up to Riko before. I know you can do it again, and I know that Kevin knows that. Even if you wreak havoc, Wymack and Abby will know to keep an eye on Kevin. He sees you and hopefully he can finally learn to stand on his own two feet. Trouble still will find him, though, and I want you to make sure he stays safe, and gets home in one piece no matter what."
Neil nodded. "Yes, I can do that."
Audrey scanned her face, then turned and walked away.
Friday was the first day of December, and the last game of their fall season. The Foxes went to morning practices only next week, since Wymack wanted them to spend their afternoons studying. Neil, Seth, and Kevin hadn't talked about it, but Neil assumed they'd still have their night practices.
"Shit," Matt said, making Neil look up from her homework. Seth was absent, but Dan had reported earlier that he finally was trying to work out whatever was between him and Allison. "It's almost Christmas. I still don't know what I'm getting Dan. But hey, speaking of Christmas, you figure out what you're doing for it yet?" Matt's chair creaked as Matt turned to look at him. "Are you going home or tagging along with the monsters?"
"I haven't decided," Neil said. "Tag along with them where?"
"If I remember right, last year Erik flew in from Germany and they partied it up in Columbia," Matt said. "That was before Kevin was here to chain them to the court, and before… well, before all this happened. I'm assuming they're not going to want to see Columbia again anytime soon. I don't know how long they have to testify for, honestly. You'd know better than I do."
"I don't know," Neil said. "They haven't mentioned it, and I'm avoiding Audrey."
"What? Why?"
Neil shrugged. "She asked me to."
Matt's face sprinted through several expressions, then he finally just shook his head. "Just don't spend your break here, okay? If you don't have anywhere to go, I'll drag you home with me. Mom's been wanting to meet the monsters anyway, and her house is big enough to fit all of you. Just let me know."
Neil needed a moment to process that. "Thanks. I'll pass it along."
Matt nodded, and went back to work. Neil turned back to her own assignment, but her thoughts had derailed too far for her to call them back. Instead, she drew fox paws down the border of the paper until Kevin came for her, somehow already having scrounged Seth up along the way.
Neil thought about Matt's offer the entire jog to the stadium, but she didn't bring it up. Kevin wasn't the right person to start with, though Neil figured he would agree to anything if there was a court close enough. Nicky would be the easiest person to convince, maybe. Neil could only imagine how Aaron would react, but since none of them had a family, it might be worth a shot. Neil was a little leery of meeting Matt's mother, but after Thanksgiving spent watching old Exy matches on the couch with Kevin, she was curious to see how normal people spent holidays.
As normal as the Foxes could be, rather.
As if Neil needed a reminder of that, though, they displayed it all too well at the banquet.
The southeastern district Christmas banquet was held at Breckenridge that year. Luckily it was scheduled late enough at night the Foxes could sleep off the previous night's end-of-semester party, but it still meant seven hours on the bus. With the season two weeks behind them and exams finally out of the way, Neil had nothing to think about except Riko and Audrey.
Aaron's absence was only notable due to the lack of Katelyn, but Audrey's was glaring. None of them had heard from the twins yet, which wasn't unheard of for the Foxes, but Neil had texted Katelyn and asked for updates if she got any from Aaron. Neil tried not to dwell on it, but it was becoming an impossible task. It was all the harder to ignore when Neil realized that even if just for the day, Kevin was her charge.
The Foxes were among the last to show up at Breckenridge's court. Kevin had slept most of the drive sitting next to Neil, since he'd had as much liquor as he did coffee that morning, but he woke up half an hour out from campus and moved back to his own seat. He was silent as the grave for the remainder of the drive, but Neil looked back at him when they pulled up to the Jackals' stadium. Kevin was staring out his window at the other buses, and his violent flinch told Neil he'd spotted the Ravens' ride.
Wymack shooed his Foxes and their dates off the bus, and locked it behind them. When he turned around again, he snapped his fingers at Kevin to get his attention. "Look at me."
Kevin dragged his blank stare to Wymack, and Wymack gestured between Neil and Matt. "You see these two? If I look your way tonight and you're not within five feet of at least one of them, I won't let you play a single damn game this spring. Get me? They're your shields. Use them. Use me, if you have to. Now give me a 'yes, Coach.'"
"Mm," Kevin managed.
"Don't worry," Matt said. "He can't do anything with so many witnesses."
"He got to Neil at the last banquet," Allison said.
Kevin looked at Neil. Neil met his stare without hesitation, and didn't let her nerves show on her face. Audrey was trusting her with this. Kevin nodded once, and Neil smiled.
"What's the likelihood of him trying something, then?" Seth asked.
Neil thought it over, then shook his head. "He'll try something all right, but I doubt anything more than conversation will be done publicly. Just watch your back and try not to listen to whatever bullshit he'll spout."
They gathered their clothes from the undercarriage and followed a security guard inside. Neil changed in one of the bathroom stalls and considered her reflection afterward. The others were out of sight in the main room, so Neil leaned close to the mirror. She slid one contact out of the way for a moment, needing to see the chilly blue of her real eyes, and took strength in them.
She had told Audrey that she would stand with Kevin no matter what. She didn't intend to break that promise. Neil might be an easily spooked runaway, and Nathalie was just a haunted girl, but Sarai was the one shielded from and untouched by her father's bloody business. Neil would pull on every murder she had seen, and every endless desperate night on the run, and she would face Riko unflinching.
It was the least she could do.
It was all she could do.
The court was decorated for Christmas. Poinsettias followed the walls all the way around, and a massive tree stood in one corner. Neil assumed it was fake, because there was no way they could have gotten a tree that size through the door unless they'd brought it in pieces. Heavy blankets under the stand ensured it wouldn't scratch up the court floor, and small presents were piled under it. Neil wondered for a moment if they were fake as well, or if they were the Jackals' gifts to each other, temporarily loaned for decoration.
Whoever organized the seating chart was smart enough to keep the Foxes and the Ravens away from each other this time. The Foxes sat down opposite the Wilkes-Meyers Hornets, and Neil ended up between Renee and Kevin. The Foxes and Hornets hadn't seen each other since late September. Neil half expected aggression, since the Foxes had won that match, but with the season over, the Hornets were laid back and rowdy.
After all the teams had arrived, Tetsuji Moriyama tapped on a cordless microphone to call them to attention. Someone cut the cheery Christmas music off, and Tetsuji surveyed the collected teams with a stony expression.
"The season rankings have been decided," he said without preamble or inflection. It was old news by now– sportscasters and coaches had been adding up the points all season– but everyone perked up to listen. "The following four teams have been qualified to represent the southeastern district in spring championship games. I will list them in order of ranking, first to fourth. Edgar Allan, Palmetto State, Breckenridge, Belmonte."
He passed the microphone off to a more personable coach who offered enthusiastic congratulations and seasonal wishes. One of the Hornets didn't wait for him to be finished, but leaned across the table and gestured at Kevin and Neil.
"How the hell did the two of you beat Breckenridge?"
"It wasn't just the two of us," Neil said.
The look she gave her said she wasn't impressed by that modesty. Neil shrugged and let it slide. She understood her skepticism, but she stood by her words.
Because Palmetto State and Breckenridge ended the season with the same twelve-two record, the ERC used their goals ratio as a tiebreaker. It was the same method they used in semifinals, which would be a more fair tactic if Audrey Minyard wasn't the best goalkeeper in the back, and Kevin Day in the front. The Foxes' points earned-lost ratio was simply better than the Jackals' was.
Placing second meant they didn't have to face the Jackals again, fortunately. Up until the semifinals, spring games rain in even and odd brackets. The odd-ranked teams would play on Friday nights, and the evens would play on Saturdays.
Nicky spoke up right on cue. "Thank god we're not playing the odds again. We might actually have a chance this year."
"We'll make it," Dan said. "We have to. We owe the Ravens a rematch."
The Hornets exchanged looks, but didn't comment. Caterers piled the tables high with food, and the teams dug in. Dinner conversation was loud and excited. Kevin joined in if the conversations veered towards Exy, stayed out when it didn't, and kept sending furtive looks at the Ravens' table. Neil didn't speak unless spoken to and kept most of her attention on Kevin. She was halfway through her dinner before she realized she had yet to speak to Renee.
"I'm sorry," she said.
Renee gave her a curious look. "Why?"
"I'm not trying to ignore you."
"It's alright if you do," Renee said. "Kevin needs you more than I do."
Neil nodded gratitude for her understanding. Renee smiled and struck up a conversation with the Hornets across from them, Neil finally let herself look across the room at the Ravens for the first time. The Ravens were up to their usual tricks, it seemed: all of them had come single and matched in their black outfits. The women wore identical garnet necklaces, and the men wore blood-red ties. That was as festive as the Ravens got, Neil guessed.
Dinner gave way to games so they could digest, and then every table but one was carted off the court. The caterers returned laden with punch bowls and plastic cups. Pounding music replaced the Christmas carols and the court became a dance floor. The teams broke apart to party. For most of them, the season was over, and they obviously wanted to go out with a bang.
Nicky and his date were the first ones to move into the crowd. Allison had her pinky linked with Seth's, and Neil couldn't hear whatever they were talking about, but eventually they broke apart and Allison convinced Renee to dance with her. Seth replaced her silently at Neil's side, and they both made no comment. Dan and Matt were the last ones to leave, eventually cajoling Seth to go with them. They stuck to the outskirts of the crowd where they could keep an eye on Kevin and Neil, but also it became apparent to keep Seth out of the crowd. Neil was amused by everyone's protective streak, and wondered if they would do the same if Audrey was still there. Somehow, she doubted it.
Wymack didn't swing by that time to make them socialize, so Neil and Kevin kept away from the crowd. Kevin was in no mood to celebrate, and Neil didn't want to be surrounded by so many people. Neil wouldn't want to see Riko coming, though, and it would all be far too easy to lose sight of Kevin. Instead, they guarded the drink table and nursed their punch.
It took half an hour before Riko caught up to them, but he came like they both knew he would. Jean wasn't far behind him. Kevin froze with his cup at his lips when he spotted the pair. Neil stepped forward to put herself between Riko and Kevin. Riko smiled at the bravado, but it wasn't a happy expression. It was more the look of a psychotic child who'd found a small animal to torture. Pleased, but mostly hungry.
"Your lack of survival instincts is supremely distressing," Riko said. "Take that look off your face before I carve it off."
Neil hadn't realized she was smiling too, a cruel look she had inherited from her father. Neil lowered her cup so Riko could get a better look at it. "I would love to see you try. You think I'm afraid of your knife? I'm the Butcher's daughter."
"That's three strikes." Riko dragged a finger across his throat and rolled his head against his gesture. "I am disappointed in you, Kevin. You promised the master you would take care of this. Obviously you have not, and I am very curious as to why."
"He tried," Neil said. "It didn't take."
Riko pressed a thumb to Neil's cheekbone, in the same spot where the three had their numbered tattoos. "Do us all a favor and do not speak again. Your insolence has already cost you your two teammates. You cannot imagine what is coming next."
Hearing Riko confirm he'd orchestrated Seth's and Audrey's attacks made Neil sick with anger.
She held up her free hand to show Riko her steady hand. "I'm shaking with fear. You should recognize it. I remember when my father killed that man in front of the three of us. I'm sure you remember it too, but do you remember that you peed your pants? You were shaking with fear then. I'm sure you didn't forget."
Riko dug the nail of his thumb into her cheek where it was already pressing until one warm drop burbled up and ran down. "You think you can defy me because I am not your father, but you are forgetting one very important fact: I am the family your father was afraid of. And yes, Nathalie, he was very afraid."
Neil leaned in, cutting her skin deeper. "Not you. You're not part of that family, remember? You're the extras that no one wanted."
She hoped it would hit, but she didn't realize how deeply it would cut. She'd never seen that look on Riko's face, but she knew she had signed her death warrant.
"Jean," Rikko said without looking away. "Take Kevin and leave us."
"Go to Matt," Neil said.
"Now," Riko insisted.
Jean gave Riko a wide berth and sized Kevin's arm. Neil watched Jean drag Kevin away as fast as they could go without attracting too much attention. Dan and Matt noticed, of course, and moved to intercept them. Jean went still at their approach, but held onto Kevin like his life depended on it. Matt started for Neil and Riko, but Kevin clapped a hand to his shoulder to stop him. When Matt roughly shrugged him off, Neil waved at Matt to keep back. The look on Matt's face said he didn't approve of that plan at all, but he kept his distance.
Neil dragged her attention back to Riko. "Oh, did I hit a nerve?"
Riko moved like lightning, smacking the cup from Neil's hand and catching hold of her wrist. He gave a brutal twist that sent knives up Neil's arm. Neil choked on a curse and grabbed Riko's arm to stop him. She couldn't pry Riko's hand off, but if Riko turned her wrist another half-inch, he would break something. Every time Neil blinked, she saw the white scars on Kevin's hands.
"What," Neil breathed. "You're going to break another hand in front of all these people? Do I look like I'm skiing?"
"I do not care if they see," Riko said. "A dog who bites its master's hand deserves to be slaughtered. The location and audience are inconsequential."
"You call yourself the master, but weren't you getting beaten with the same stick as Kevin? The real master's stick?"
"I warned you to learn your place."
"I am a Fox."
"You are nothing but what I tell you to be, and that will be mine. You're going to spend Christmas at my castle. You're coming to Evermore for winter break. Don't," Riko said when Neil opened her mouth to argue, "Push me again. I am the only thing keeping you alive."
Neil tilted her head back and laughed. "You really think that you're big enough to stand between the Malcolms or DiMaccio? If they find out you've been keeping me from them, you'll die right alongside me. Will you piss your pants then too?"
Riko stared at her for an endless minute, then smiled. Neil's stomach dropped. She knew what was coming before Riko opened his mouth, but she refused to believe it.
"You remember the goalkeeper? The miniature one with the disgusting attitude who thinks she can take my things. I haven't seen her lately."
Riko looked over his shoulder as if expecting Audrey to materialize from thin air. He let go of Neil, but Neil couldn't breathe, much less move to put space between them. Two teammates, Riko had said. Neil knew it, knew it so deeply in her bones that they ached. Drake had been intended for much more damage than a concussion that benched her for a game.
Riko turned back on Neil and wagged a finger as if just remembering. "I heard she'll be testifying soon. Something about her brother fucking her brainless every night as a kid, yes? How scandalous. How traumatizing."
"Don't," Neil said,
Riko ignored her. "Drake is an interesting man, isn't he? I should thank the police for leading me straight to him. I might not have discovered him otherwise. Did you know, Nathalie? Oakland lawyers are some of the cheapest to buy off. It only took three phone calls to arrange the whole thing, and of course, Drake was all too eager to get his hands back on her. Probably too eager."
"You set Audrey up."
"That isn't even the best part." Riko smiled when Neil shook her head, and continued. "I bought one of the doctors at Easthaven. Gordon got to try him out first, but now we all know how easy it is to pay off judges and lawyers. She was already subpoenaed once. I don't think it would be hard to have Audrey deemed such an incompetent witness due to her psychotic and violent tendencies that she's shipped back here to Easthaven. Unless you want her little therapy sessions to turn into therapeutic reenactments so she's good and ready to testify, you will be on a plane to West Virginia tomorrow morning. Jean will give your ticket to Kevin. Do you understand me?"
Neil didn't have any words, so she answered with her fist.
She didn't have a lot of room to swing, but she made do and caught Riko right in his vulgar mouth. It knocked Riko back a step, giving Neil a little more space, and Neil caught him in the eye next. She lunged away from the table and slammed into Riko, but Riko was already moving to meet her. Neil crashed into the table so hard she sent it skidding out from behind her, and she and Riko both hit the floor. Neil jabbed and struck at any part of Riko she could find, only distantly aware of Riko's own vicious blows. Someone was yelling about a fight, or maybe that was the blood roaring in her ears.
Suddenly, there were hands on her that weren't Riko's, and the two were being yanked apart. Neil held on as fiercely as she could; so did Riko. Riko pulled Neil close one last time before the crowd ripped them away from one another. Riko was saying something, but Neil was busy clamping down on Riko's forearm with her teeth.
They were finally ripped apart. Neil spat a mouthful of blood out, and looked for Riko, but couldn't find him. There were too many bodies between them. Neil recognized some: Matt, then Jean, then a couple athletes they had played against. None were Riko. She focused on fighting the crowd, trying to get her hands back on Riko. Somehow, she made it close enough to grab Riko's sleeve.
"You even fucking think about touching her–"
Wymack came out of nowhere and hauled Neil off Riko like she weighed nothing. The space between them filled with coaches, and the excited hubbub died out almost instantaneously. For a moment the only sound was Neil's ragged breathing as she stared around Wymack's body at Riko. Neil's face split into her most gruesome grin. The entire room was shaking, or maybe that was Neil trembling hard enough to bring the whole court down on top of them. She felt the inescapable cold start to seep in.
"What the hell is going on here?" Breckenridge's coach demanded. "This is a Christmas banquet. If you missed the memo, that's Christmas, as in we make merry and goodwill to man. I want a goddamned explanation for this."
Neither Neil nor Riko answered; they were too busy staring each other down. Jean had found his place behind Riko again and the tense look on his face was wary disapproval. Neil wanted her gun. She would settle for Audrey's knives, but those were somewhere with her in Columbia. She dug her fingers into Wymack's arm hard enough to leave bruises for sure, and stretched her smile so wide it burned.
"Yes," she said, because what else could she say? "I understand."
"Apology accepted," Riko said.
The coaches waited. When nothing else was forthcoming, one of them swept the crowd a mean look. "The next person to start a fight here is getting written up and will sit out of the next five scheduled games, spring or fall. Do I make myself clear?" There was a chorused assent, and the coach clicked an annoyed look between Neil and Riko. "You two stay away from each other the rest of the night. Wymack, get him off the court until he's feeling civil."
"Neil wasn't fighting with himself," Wymack said, with steel in his voice. "If Coach Moriyama wants the away side, I'll take the home."
"Of course," Moriyama said, looking unmoved by the chaos. "Riko?"
They set off in one direction, so Wymack carried Neil to the other. Neil knew Abby and the Foxes were following them off the court, but she couldn't take her eyes off Riko to look at any of them. She lost sight of Riko when Wymack set her down and shoved her through the court door, but it wasn't until Wymack bodily planted her on the home benches that Neil could look up at him. Wymack waved Nicky's date back onto the court with an impatient jerk of his hand, then rounded on Neil again.
"What the hell was that?"
"Coach?" Neil asked through her chattering teeth.
"Don't you dare 'Coach?' me, you malfunctioning motherfucker."
"No but really," Nicky said, looking wide-eyed at Neil. "What happened?"
"Neil hit Riko," Matt said.
"It was beautiful," Seth said.
"What?" Nicky squawked. "Not fair! I missed it! Go do it again. Or not," he added quickly when Wymack leveled a death glare at him. "You can't blame a guy for dreaming, can you, Coach?"
"A punch doesn't explain the blood around your mouth," Allison said.
"Yeah, what did you do?" Dan asked. "Take a bite out of him?"
"He did," Seth said. "I watched."
"Shut up," Wymack returned his glower to Neil. "I'm waiting."
Neil felt her wrist and winced at the lingering pain. Abby slipped past Dan to get to her, and sat at Neil's side. Neil let her take her hand, and looked past Wymack at the court.
"Riko bought off the prosecution." The words came slowly; they were so awful she thought she would be violently ill just hearing them allowed again. "That's why Drake risked coming all the way here to Audrey. Riko would get the charges against him dismissed."
She didn't have to say anything else. The music was still going, blasting through the speakers, but the silence between the Foxes was absolute.
Neil sucked in a shaky breath and looked at Kevin. In French, she said, "Did you get it? My ticket?"
Kevin stared at her like he was staring through her, too stunned to understand or respond. Neil reached out and snagged his hand to clutch. "Kevin, look at me."
"I'm going to kill him," Nicky said.
"No," Neil said, with a ferocity that had even Matt eyeing her warily. "We've got to break him first. If Exy is the only thing he cares about, we're going to take it away from him. First, we destroy his reputation, then we destroy him. I don't want us to lose a single game this spring. Can we do that?"
"Not a single damn game," Dan said, in a hard voice.
Neil looked around at them, at the cold rage on their faces, and focused on Kevin. She tried again in French with an insistent, "Do you have my ticket?"
"You're not going," Kevin said. "Do you know what he'll do to you?"
"Do you know what he'll do to Audrey if I don't go?"
"The same thing he'll do to you!"
"Exactly," Neil said. "I don't have a choice. I have to go. You have to trust me."
"He will break you."
"He wishes he knew how," Neil said. "Trust me. I promise I'll come back, and when I do, I'll bring Audrey back with me. It's going to be fine. So, do you have my ticket or don't you?"
Kevin pressed his lips into a hard, white line and looked away. "I have it."
When the two strikers fell quiet, Dan looked at Wymack. "Let's go home, Coach."
The banquet was hours from being over, but it was too dangerous to stay any longer. The next time one of them saw Riko, they'd try to break his neck. Wymack trusted Renee's self-control the most, so he sent her in search of Nicky's missing date. She returned with Thomas, and the Foxes high-tialed it to the bus. They slowed to grab their bags from the locker room, but not long enough to change. Wymack had them on the road in minutes.
The ride back to Palmetto was silent. They made it back in the dead of night, but despite the hour, none of the Foxes could sleep. Wymack dropped Thomas off first, then took his team to Fox Tower. They rode the elevator up together. Kevin passed Neil a folded slip of paper as they stepped into the hallway. Neil didn't have to open it to know it was the confirmation for her flight.
Matt tried to bring Neil to the girls' room so they could finally talk about what happened, but Neil went next door. She kicked her shoes off to one side and pushed the window open. She tried to light a cigarette, but her hands were shaking too badly. She ended up crawling into bed fully dressed, and sighed.
She checked the departure time so she would know how early to set her alarm. For a brief flash, she was grateful that she would be long gone before Audrey and Aaron would be getting back. She pulled her blankets over her head to block out the room and willed herself to stop thinking.
When she finally slept, she dreamt of death and blood.
Notes:
it gets lost through neil's narration, but basically the vague legal process is this, if anyone cares. do keep in mind it's all fiction haha and i am not a legal professional
- wymack calls higgins after the hospital scene w neil and alerts him directly of what happened
- audrey presses charges for her concussion, wanting to pin drake for something now that she thinks riko is involved
- drake presses charges on aaron for assault, they're immediately dismissed
- sc courts try drake for assault during the few days surrounding the banquet with aaron and audrey testifying as witnesses- kevin says no and neil doesn't get asked. drake is charged, and exdradited back to ca
- sc courts transfer his punishment to california to be added onto whatever sentence he gets there
- drake's open csa case gets moved up with good cause. his terms are renegotiated and although cass and/or riko paid his bail, he's sent back to california w no chance of bail and his trial is put on a rush job due to the subject matter
- audrey is subpoenaed as a witness, although she would have gone anyway now that she knows there's a real chance of getting him put in prison. if she also goes knowing that pedophiles don't do well in prison. ah well. what a tragedy.
Chapter 16: the nest
Notes:
mmmm tws are the same as the canon nest chapter, and also some warnings for mentioned rape. the pacing in this chapter is a little funky but i tried my best so pls forgive me. if u saw this before i came back and added something very important no u didn’t😶
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil woke to the sound of movement in the other room. Despite the late night, the Foxes were up and about by mid-morning. Today was the day the team cleared out for winter break, and most of them had long enough flights to sleep on. Allison, Renee, and Dan were flying out to Mismarck together around lunch time, and would split up after they landed. Two hours after they were in the air, the rest of the Foxes would be en route to LaGuardia.
Neil had passed Matt's invitation along the week before exams and let Nicky do most of the work from there. Nicky's original plans to go to Germany had been derailed by Audrey going to California to testify. She wasn't dragging her twin along with her, but apparently had demanded that wherever Nicky went, he would take Aaron with him. Unfortunately, Erik couldn't take enough time off to come to the States. That meant Matt was Nicky's only chance for a fun holiday.
None of the so-called monsters of the team were sure why Matt was being nice to them, but Nicky was too excited to spend New Year's in Times Square to really care. Wymack claimed to be happier than Nicky was about the arrangement, since their absence meant he could finally have some peace and quiet.
How Neil was supposed to tell any of them her plans had changed, she didn't know. There was no way she could tell them the truth. None of them would let her go, let alone Audrey, but it wasn't something she even wanted to fight about. It was a small miracle Kevin was going along with this. Kevin knew more than any of them what Riko was capable of, so he knew what was waiting for Neil in West Virginia. Maybe he trusted Neil to hold her ground; more likely, he knew what Riko would do to the Foxes if Neil refused. Neil didn't know and didn't care, so long as Kevin kept his mouth shut.
Neil pushed her blankets aside and sat up. She lifted her pillow to get her phone, but hesitated at the lack of a gun. It was still somehow jarring for her. Nicky's voice in the other room jarred her from her thoughts. Neil dropped the pillow, then realized she had an easy way out. She grabbed her phone and put it to her ear. When Nicky pushed the bedroom door open without knocking, Neil struck up a conversation with no one.
"Yes, I saw it," Neil said, glancing at Nicky to acknowledge his entrance.
Nicky had his mouth open on a greeting but went quiet when he realized Neil was on the phone. Instead of leaving, Nicky got comfortable against the doorframe to wait her out. Neil had counted on Nicky's curiosity. In the months since Allison first gave Neil the phone, they had never once seen her make a call ono it. Neil signaled to Nicky that she was almost finished, and half turned away.
"What did you expect? You waited this long to figure it out. By now I've already made other plans. I–" Neil cut herself off, listened for a moment, then bulled on. "But how long have you known he was coming? You could have said something. I don't know. I said I don't know. I'd have to–" Neil scrubbed a hand across her eyes as if the entire conversation was exhausting to deal with. "Okay. Goodbye."
She clicked the end call button, and dropped the phone to one side.
For a minute, silence reigned. Then Nicky came into the bedroom and closed the door behind him. Neil sagged back against the wall as Nicky climbed halfway up the ladder to her bunk. Nicky folded his arms across Neil's pillow and stared at Neil.
"Everything okay up there?" Nicky asked.
"I'm fine."
Nicky just looked at her. "We've known each other forever by now. At some point, you're going to have to stop lying to my face. That didn't sound fine, and you don't look fine. So, what's really going on?"
"My uncle's flying to Arizona for Christmas," Neil said.
"Good thing? Bad thing?"
"Both?" Neil shrugged against the wall. "He's a good guy, but he's usually smart enough to avoid my parents. I haven't seen him in years, and he's never come over on a holiday. Something must be up. I just don't know what. I don't know if…" Neil trailed off and gestured helplessly. "I promised myself I'd never go home again, but…"
"But you want to see him again," Nicky concluded.
"It doesn't matter," Neil said. "I'm still technically in charge of Kevin. I'm sure when Audrey gets back tonight she'll make sure I know I'm protecting Kevin over the break."
"But Kevin's going to be with us," Nicky said, "and we're going to be with Matt and Matt's mom. The four of us can keep an eye on him if you need some time with your family. I'm sure Audrey will realize that. You need money for a ticket?"
"I already have one," Neil said, and held up her folded itinerary. "Mom emailed it to me a couple days ago, I just didn't want to deal with it before the banquet."
"You're hopeless," Nicky said. "If you want to go, then go. You've done more than enough for us this semester, Neil. At some point, you've got to think about yourself. Watch," he said when Neil shook her head. "I'm going to go tell the others, and they'll all tell you to go home. You'll see."
"But–" Neil said, but Nicky was already gone.
Neil swallowed the rest of her argument. It wasn't a fight she wanted or needed to win anyway. For a moment, she pitied Nicky for being so gullible, but Neil took no satisfaction in what she had just done. She unfolded the itinerary and studied it with a sinking feeling in her stomach. In two hours, she would be on a flight to Charleston, West Virginia, and she wasn't scheduled to come back until the night of New Year's Eve. That was two weeks alone with the Ravens.
The suite door banged open as Nicky went back to his room to consult with Kevin. When Matt walked into the bedroom a couple seconds later, Neil was expecting him.
"What are we going to do with you?" Matt asked.
"Sorry?" Neil said.
"What for?" Matt waved that off. "When's your flight?"
"Eleven, if I go."
"You're going. I'll give you a lift to the airport."
Neil grimaced at him, but got out of bed at last. She wasn't hungry, but she made herself some instant oatmeal and toast. Nicky returned to say he'd told all of the Foxes what was going on. Apparently they all wanted Neil on that plane. Neil nodded and said nothing, and Nicky left her in peace to get ready.
Neil showered and dug her duffel bag out of the bottom drawer of her dresser. She had it half-packed when she realized the bag was too small. For eight years, she had never owned more than what could fit in a carry-on. In the past half-year here, her possessions had doubled in number. Even when her bag was full, there were still things in her drawers. Neil was at once confused and heartened, and she pressed a hand to her folded shirts. It was proof she was coming back, something he hadn't had since she was a child.
The quiet tap of a footstep warned her she wasn't alone, and Neil looked up at Kevin.
"Can I give you something to take with you?" Neil asked. "Will you promise to keep it safe? I don't want to leave it here, but I can't bring it with me." When Kevin nodded, Neil unlocked her safe, and pulled her binder out. It took everything she had in her to hand it to Kevin. Even when Kevin took hold of it, Neil held fast to one end. "Don't open it."
"I don't even want to know," Kevin said.
Neil let go, and Kevin tucked it under one arm. Neil pushed her safe closed and put it back, then dug her keys out of her pocket to give to Kevin.
"Neil," Kevin said when Neil got to her feet.
"I'm coming back," Neil said, more for her sake than Kevin's. "You only have to act normal around Audrey for a little while, and then the consequences will be mine. You'll be fine."
"I know that. Just listen to me. Just once."
She paused, looking at him. For one moment, she saw both Kevins. Kevin Day, under Riko's thumb, little more than a pet in the eyes of everyone who surrounded him, and Kevin Day, standing in front of her, always getting stronger in his home as a Fox. Audrey and the Court had done him good, but he wasn't everything he could be. Not yet.
"Trust Jean," Kevin said, then shook his head as if to clear it. "Jean will help you, if you let him. He's property. Worse than I was. What Riko will do– Jean's done it all before. It was different for Jean than me– worse. His father owed the Moriyamas and those debts were paid in exchange for him. You are the same in their eyes. He knows."
She searched his face, and when he didn't continue, nodded. "Anything else?"
"Nathalie–"
Neil shook her head. "You promised you would finish this year with me. I'm holding you to that. This isn't a goodbye."
She slung her bag over her shoulder, and slipped past Kevin out of the room. Matt was unplugging all of his electronics when they showed up. "Ready?" he asked.
"Yeah," Neil lied.
Matt grabbed his keys and they left. They stopped by the girls' room first, where Neil was subjected to holiday hugs, and well-wishes. Nicky, who was in their room, gave Neil a bone-popping squeeze. "You packed your charger, right?" He asked. "I expect you to text me every day."
"We'll see if I unblock you," Neil said, and mustered her mouth into the idea of a smile.
She left Kevin with the others to finish getting ready and followed Matt down to the truck. There was room at Neil's feet for her bag. Matt turned the key in the ignition and cut his radio off a half-second too late to save Neil's eardrums. Neil tried not to feel ill when the campus disappeared behind them, but didn't quite succeed.
"When's your return flight?" Matt asked.
"New Year's," Neil said, "but I might come back early, depending on how things go."
"You bail early enough, you should come join us," Matt said. "Mom can have your ticket changed."
"Thank you," Neil said. "I'll let you know."
Matt left her at the curb at Upstate Regional Airport. Neil watched him slide back into traffic, then turned to face the entrance. It was dizzying to be there again. She and her mother never went through the same airport twice. She tightened her grip on her bag and went through the doors. After the hubbub through security, the gate was just as hectic.
She had been around the Foxes for long enough that she had forgotten what it was like to have breathing space. She should have been grateful to have a couple moments by herself, standing alone against a pillar before the nightmare started, but Neil was left feeling out of sorts. She buried her hand in her pocket and wrapped her fingers around her phone. If she turned it on, it would still only show Foxes. She received so many messages they automatically deleted on a semi-regular basis. That alone should have been surreal, but it was Neil Josten's life. She thought about reading through them for courage, but couldn't make herself do it.
Neil's seat was right behind the business-class section. She had the window seat, much to her displeasure, but the space under the seat in front of her was just big enough for her bag. She pushed the duffel into place with her shoe, and tried not to feel trapped by her seatmates. At least she was able to stare out the window the entire flight.
The emergency exit wasn't nearly as tempting as she thought it probably should have been.
Facing Riko like this went against everything her mother taught her. She had been raised to run, to sacrifice everything and everyone to ensure her own survival. Her mother had never given her ground to stand on before. Maybe that was why she hadn't been strong enough to save her in the end. A jumble of lies had nothing to fight for. Neil Josten, though, was a Fox. Audrey called this home; Nicky called her family. Neil wasn't going to lose any of it. If two weeks with Riko was the price to pay to keep her team safe, Neil would pay it.
Somehow, those thoughts combined with the freedom of being so high above the earth made the flight a little easier.
Jean Moreau was waiting for her in Arrivals. He watched Neil's approach with a cool look on his face, and there was an edge in his voice when he said, "You shouldn't have come here."
"Let's go," Neil said.
The ride was silent, but the first sight of Castle Evermore had Neil's blood humming in recognition. Evermore looked more like a monument than a stadium, and its jet-black paint job made it even more imposing. It was half-again as big as the Foxhole Court. Neil doubted the Ravens could fill every seat at every game, but the US Court likely sold out within hours of posting their matches. Neil could only imagine what game nights sounded like inside.
Jean stopped at a gate and reached out his window to type in a code. The gate swung open with a quiet squeal and Jean drove into the barricaded parking lot. A line of cars was already parked at the curb. Neil wished she was surprised that they were all identical. Even the custom license plates were only a couple digits off from each other. Neil stared hard at them, until she realized the sequence had to be EA for the college, and the numbers following were class years, then jersey numbers.
"This isn't a team," Neil said, "It's a cult."
"Get out," Jean said, and parked in the only empty spot. There were still two spots in front of his that were taken. Kevin and Riko's.
Neil grabbed her bag and climbed out. Jean walked her to the door and put in another numbered password. The light over the keypad flashed green, so Jean tugged open the door. Instead of going in, he looked back at Neil.
"Take a look at the sky. You won't see it again until you leave."
Neil swallowed back the immediate retort on her tongue. If Kevin's words were correct, then Jean was probably being genuine.
"Kevin says you'll be my ally, if I help you," Neil said in soft French. "Is that true?"
"Kevin still hasn't learned to keep his mouth shut," was all he said. He gestured for Neil to precede him, deeming their moment over. "No French is allowed where it can be heard."
Everything inside was painted black. They took a stairwell down. The only light and color was a red tube of light down the middle of the ceiling. It wasn't quite bright enough. When the door slammed behind them, Neil almost tripped down the last half of the stairs. She put a hand to the wall for balance, and slowed down. Jean didn't rush her.
She counted steps, wanting to know how deep they were going, and made it to twenty-six before the stairs dead-ended at another door. Almost two floors. Jean reached past her to put in a third passcode, and Neil stepped into the Ravens' living quarters.
"Welcome to the Nest," Jean said.
"Cult," Neil said again.
Jean ignored that, and took her on a tour. The space was originally built to house visiting teams, but Coach Moriyama gave it to his Ravens instead. The Nest had the potential to be everything a college athlete could want– except for the low ceilings and dark decor. Color was fleeting, and usually showed up only in shades of red. They were too deep for windows. Neil wasn't claustrophobic, but with the weight of the stadium crushing from above, she might be at the end of her two weeks.
"Here," Jean said, and motioned for Neil to follow him into the last room. "This is where you will be staying. You should be in Red, with the rest of us, but the Master has made a special allowance. He knows you require Riko's personal attention."
"I'm not rooming with that sociopath."
"If only you had a say in the matter."
"Who's place am I taking?" Neil asked, because both slides of the room were already decorated.
"Look around at see," Jean said, and stopped by one of the nightstands and gestured for Neil to come closer.
Neil moved up alongside him, and regretted it almost immediately. Postcards of faraway cities both foreign and domestic were taped to the walls. Beneath each one were scraps of paper. Kevin's now familiar scrawl listed dates and explanations for the travels. Most of them were games. Some indicated photoshoots and interviews. Books lined the shelves built into the headboard, and Neil knew from skimming the spines they were Kevin's. Kevin was majoring in history for reasons Neil couldn't understand, and these titles were the sorts of things he would find fascinating. The traces of a young Kevin living here made Neil's heart ache.
It also gave Neil chills, to see his space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he'd transferred teams entirely.
"Riko's in denial." Neil said. "Someone should tell him Kevin isn't coming back."
"You don't know anything," Jean said. "Put your things down and let's go. The master is waiting."
Jean didn't wait for her. Neil dropped her duffel on Kevin's bed, spared a glance for Riko's side of the room, and caught up with Jean down the hall. A flight of stairs took them up one floor to the Ravens' locker room. Jean didn't give Neil time to look around, but pushed her through a back door into the inner court. They came out right near the Home benches.
It was the Sunday before Christmas, and the Ravens were on the court in full gear. Two line-ups were playing a rather brutal scrimmage while the remaining nine Ravens watched. Heads turned as Jean stepped up alongside the armored nine, and the Ravens looked past Jean at Neil. Their expressions ranged from cold disinterest to open hostility. Neil wasn't expecting a warm welcome, so she kept her attention on the court.
It wasn't long before a buzzer sounded, and called an end to the match. Riko's team won by a three-point margin. The two line-ups met at half-court to critique each other's performances. The subs joined them to share what they'd noticed from the outside. The huddle lasted a good fifteen minutes, but finally, the Ravens clacked sticks and filed off the court.
Riko pulled his helmet off as he stepped through the court door. "Luke, close down the scoreboard. Martin, get the lights. I have a guest to tend to, so take an early lunch. The master will be by shortly to check progress, so have your papers ready for him. Afternoon practice will start at the usual time."
The Ravens moved like a black river around Jean and Neil. Riko stopped in front of Neil to consider her, but summarily dismissed her in favor of Jean. "Show her her things. I will deal with her when I am showered."
Jean inclined his head, and held the door for Riko. Riko went one way, so Jean and Neil went another. Jean brought Neil into the changing room, and opened an oversized locker on the end. Neil obediently looked inside. The locker was packed with Raven gear. It wasn't until Jean shoved the jersey at her that Neil understood, because the name emblazoned on the back was a bold JOSTEN.
"I'm only here for two weeks," Neil said. "Why did he have those printed?"
"Do not play stupid," Jean said. "Kevin would have told you by now that you are transferring this summer."
Neil laughed outright. Apparently Jean had no concept of her father's people. He gave her a livid look. "Do not let the master hear that. Try not to get us killed on your first day, you ignorant child."
"Us?" Neil asked.
"Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you," Jean said, thrusting the jersey at her again, and when she didn't take it, he pulled her close. "You lost the right to be an individual when you stepped into the Nest. The consequences of your actions are no longer yours alone to bear. Ravens operate on a pair-based system, which means from now until you leave, I am the only ally you have.
"My success is your success. Your failure is my failure. You are to go nowhere unless I am with you. If you break this rule, we will both suffer greatly for it. Do you understand? They want us to fail. They want to take starting line-up from me. I will not let you jeopardize my rank."
"I have some bad news for you," Neil said. "I can't outscore Raven strikers."
"It is not them you need to outplay," Jean said. "You are not a striker anymore. You never should have been one in the first place. The master is moving you to defense where you belong. He will want to know why you abandoned your position. I hope you have a good explanation for him."
"It wasn't my idea," Neil said. "Millport's defense line was full. It was offense or nothing, and I just wanted to play."
"It was a bad idea," Jean said. "Now you have to unlearn all of your bad habits. Now try on your gear so we know it fits."
"Not in front of you," Neil said.
"That modesty will be the first thing we break you of," Jean said. "There is no room for privacy in the Nest."
"I can't believe you put up with this," Neil said. "At least Kevin ran. What's your excuse?"
"I am a Moreau," Jean said, as if Neil was being stupid on purpose. "My family has belonged to the Moriyamas since before they came to the United States. There is nowhere else for me to go, just as there is no place for you but here. Kevin is not like us; he is valuable, but he is not property in the same sense. He escaped because he had family to run to."
"Audrey?" Neil asked.
"I said family, you hard-of-hearing imbecile," Jean said. "His father. Your coach."
It took a moment to sink in. When it clicked, Neil recoiled in shock. "What?"
She knew, logically, that Kevin had to have a father. Kayleigh Day hadn't actually gotten herself pregnant off Exy, after all, but she had never given up the name of Kevin's father, no matter how hard the press pushed. If the rumors were true, that space was blank on his birth certificate. She had named Tetsuji her son's godfather, though, which was how Kevin ended up at Evermore after Kayleigh died.
"You're lying," Neil said.
"Why else would Kevin run to such a dreadful team?"
"But he never– and Coach hasn't–"
"Figures he's still too much of a coward to say anything about it." Jean gave a derisive flick of his hand. "If you don't believe me, look for yourself. The last time I saw his mother's letter, it was tucked in one of those boring books of his. He's read it so many times the words have probably worn off the page by now, but it's worth a shot."
"If he knew, why did he stay? He should have gone to Coach when his mother died."
"We found out only a few years ago," Jean said. "We found the letter in the master's office purely by accident. Kevin stole it, but he never intended to act on the discovery. He knew going meant losing all of this. It wasn't worth it. Once he lost all of this, of course, there was no reason to stay."
"You are all insane," Neil said, sighing, then began to change.
"Says the runaway who joined a Class I team." Jean said. "Said the girl who came here today when she should have run. You are no better than the rest of us."
Neil tugged off her shirt, and eyed the letters of the jersey. She wasn't ready to put it on yet. The white letters were surrounded by a faint red outline. The number beneath it wasn't hers.
"I can't even keep my ten?" Neil asked.
"Unimportant Ravens wear double-digits," Jean said. "Riko's inner circle does not. This number suits you better. Did you know? In Japanese, 'four' and 'death' sound the same. It is appropriate that the Butcher's daughter should wear this number."
Neil shook her head and finished changing. She didn't know if it was the scars or her binder bra that made Jean's eyes linger before they looked up to the ceiling and stuck there. The uniform fit too well, and she immediately felt choked by it.
"Good," Jean said. "Put it back. You won't need it until afternoon practice."
Neil stripped it all off and put it back. Just as she was redressed, the door opened. Neil had her back to it, but she didn't miss the way Jean blanched. Neil looked back to see Tetsuji and Riko in the doorway. Tetsuji had brought an ornate walking cane with him. Neil had never seen him with it before, and hoped that meant Tetsuji was suffering.
Riko let his uncle enter the room first, and locked the door behind them. Neil spared a moment to wonder who installed locks on a changing room door, but she pushed that thought away as quickly as she could. She couldn't afford to be distracted when facing these men.
Tetsuji crossed the room to stand before her. "Nathalie Wesninski," he said, like he found every syllable wanting. "Kneel."
Neil clenched her hands into fists. "No."
She thought Jean said her name, but it was barely louder than a breath of air. Neil didn't look back at him. She didn't think it was her imagination that Riko took a half-step back to put more space between himself and his uncle. A man who could keep even Riko in line wasn't a man to challenge so carelessly, but Neil had no choice.
"You will kneel," Tetsuji said.
Neil had a feeling she was going to regret this for the rest of her very short life, but she smiled and said, "Make me."
She saw the cane come up, but it was too fast for her to dodge. It caught her in the face, across her cheek and the side of her mouth. Neil stumbled under the force of the blow, and crashed into the lockers. She didn't feel it; she couldn't feel anything but the fire eating through her skull. A sour flash across her tongue might have been blood, but Neil's mouth was too numb for her to be sure. She brought her hand up instinctively to check her skull for fractures, but Tetsuji's cane caught her in the ribs next. Then her shoulder, and her arm, until Neil had no choice but to ball up and protect herself.
Tetsuji didn't stop beating her until the pain had become too overwhelming. Every blow became an impossible ache until she slipped in and out of consciousness. She only knew they had stopped raining down on her when she felt soft hands on her.
Jean's jaw was clenched hard.
"We have lunch to get you ready for practice," he said, and she could barely understand the French through the haze.
Neil was too tired to fight his hands as they undressed her. The cold shower should have been a shock to her system, but she wasn't sure she had a system left to shock. The only thing stopping her from slipping was Jean's constant stream of words, whether or not she could understand them.
He was the one to towel her off while she leaned against the cold tile. Jean had to force most of the gear onto her, and when she slipped enough to struggle against large hands on her body, Jean dug cruel fingers into her fresh bruises to stop her from leaving him. Jean hauled her up to the court.
It wasn't until Jean shoved a racquet into her hands that Neil truly realized that yes, she was expected to play.
They put her on as a backliner, and Neil failed spectacularly. She hadn't played defense in almost a decade, and she was in too bad of shape to keep up with anyone, let alone Riko. Every time Riko made it past her, Riko hit Neil with his racquet. Exy armor was meant to guard against fast-moving balls and body-checks, not intentional and malicious blows from heavy racquets. By an hour into practice, Neil was stumbling over her own feet more than she was running.
Every time Neil fell, though, Jean was always there to pull her off the ground. Jean had nothing to say to Neil about her poor performance– neither encouragement nor harsh words. Maybe he didn't have the breath for it anymore. They were in this together. Just like Jean had warned her. Every time the other team scored, they were both punished equally.
The rest of the Ravens were completely unsympathetic, even towards one of their own. This was how the team worked, and they accepted it unquestioningly. The five years might be a vicious nightmare, but world fame and seven-digit salaries waited for them on the other side of graduation. They would be set free for the rest of their lives. As far as the Ravens were concerned, it was a worthwhile trade.
What about Jean? Neil wondered when she could manage a thought through the pain.
Because of their pathetic performance, Jean and Neil were tasked with shutting the court down afterward. That meant sweeping and polishing the court floor, then straightening up the mess the Ravens made of the locker room. By the time they were finally able to shower, Neil could barely move. She didn't even care that the Ravens' shower room lacked stalls. She knelt on the tiled floor under the spray and let the heat ease what pain it could from her shattered body. Neil flexed swollen fingers to make sure they were in working order. They moved, but she couldn't feel any of them.
"You should have run," Jean said, too exhausted and sore to be hateful.
"Kevin warned me," Neil said, then shook her head. "Riko. What will he do to me?"
"Everything," Jean warned.
Neil was too tired to deal with his dramatics, so she focused on washing. She dressed in the loosest clothes she had packed, and trailed Jean to the kitchen. She barely tasted any of the food she put in her mouth, but she needed her strength. Jean put their plates in the dishwasher and brought Neil to the Black Hall.
Riko was waiting for them in their bedroom. Neil didn't see him until she was already inside, and by then, it was too late. Jean locked the door behind himself, and leaned against it. Neil considered fighting him, but she didn't have the energy, and there was no point in hurting Jean. Neither of them wanted to be there. She went to her bed like she didn't care, and sat on the edge of the mattress. She looked at the books and thought of Kayleigh's letter, thought of Jean and Kevin putting up with this day after day, year after year.
Riko got up from his bed, and Neil looked at him. He was smiling, and the look made Neil sick to her stomach. Her father had looked at her with loathing and fury. He had never looked at her like this. Like Neil's blood would be the highlight of his day. The Butcher was a vicious killer with a hair-trigger temper, but he thrived on death and fear, not pain and submission.
"Keep away from me," Neil said.
Riko pulled a switchblade from his pocket and flicked it open. "I thought you weren't afraid of my knives, Nathalie. Was that a lie to make yourself feel better?"
Riko sat sideways on the mattress beside Neil. He looked at her like he was imagining skinning her alive and feed
ing Neil the bloody scraps. His expression said he was getting off on the fantasy. He looked like Romero. Neil didn't flinch when Riko put the tip of the blade to Neil's lips, but it was a near thing. Jean moved up alongside them, but Neil didn't dare take her eyes off Riko to look at him.
"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin."
"You are one seriously fucked-up individual," Neil said.
Riko slipped the knife into Neil's mouth and pushed, hard enough to break the skin at the corner of Neil's mouth, but not enough to do any real damage. "Shut up and lie down. We don't have a lot of time, and I promise the master to have you in line before night practice."
"How's that bite healing up?" Neil asked around the blade.
"Lie down," Riko said again, "and put your hands on the headboard."
Neil stretched out on her back and reached over her head. Jean caught her hands to guide them to the right place. Neil felt wood under her fingertips and grabbed hold. Jean let go of her onto to snap cold metal over her wrists. His touch vanished completely after one grounding squeeze. Neil tried to look, but with the knife in her mouth, she couldn't move. Riko felt her tense, though and withdrew her blade. Neil looked up and refretted it immediately. Metal cuffs locked her hands to the headboard. She yanked her arms as hard as she could, nearly skinning her wrists in the effort but the headboard didn't even creak.
"Who is your King, Nathalie?" Riko asked. "You are mine now, not Ichirou's. I won out in the end and got his bride. So, I'll ask you again. Who is your King?"
Neil spat in his face.
Riko froze, then slowly reached up to touch the marred cheek. He eyed his slick fingers a moment, needing to see the mess to believe it, and then sized Neil's face in an iron grip. He held her there while he climbed atop her, then pried her mouth open and spat in it. A hand over her mouth kept her from coughing it back up. Jean climbed onto the bed and sat on her legs before Riko could knee her in the back. Riko pressed the knife to her chest and slipped the edge under her skin.
"I'm going to make this as terrible as I know how," Riko promised. "When it's too much for you, don't hesitate to cry."
Neil didn't remember falling asleep, but she blinked blearily awake and stared at the fluorescent lights overhead. Cold glass rattled against her shoulders and hair where she sat propped against a window. She heard the muted roar of a jet engine as it hurtled down the runway. The glass stilled before the noise faded. She rubbed her eyes with gloved hands and regretted it immediately. The gloves hid her bandages, but did nothing for the pain. She made her hands into fists, hissing through her teeth at how much it hurt. Satisfied her fingers were all accounted for, she dropped her gloved hands into her lap.
Another overhead announcement caught her off guard, and then repeated itself in Spanish. For a moment, Neil was baffled that it wasn't in French. She had spent so much time with Jean and Riko that she had forgotten that there were any other languages but French and Japanese. Jean was technically forbidden to use French, since Riko couldn't understand it, but he'd whispered it to Neil when Riko wasn't close enough to hear. Jean would mock her for her current confusion, except Jean wasn't there. Neil looked at the seat beside hers, and saw only her duffel. Jean was nowhere in sight.
Neil didn't remember leaving West Virginia. She didn't even remember leaving Castle Evermore. Neil gripped the armrests of her chair to ease herself upright and look over her shoulder. It was dark out; night had fallen and she hadn't even noticed. She pawed at her uncooperative memory, then let it immediately rest when her last hours at the Nest, her supposed celebration for making the line-up, came back in a horrible rush.
She immediately ducked her head, and forced choked breaths through her closed throat. Staring at the airport carpet, she forced herself to pick apart the colors and the pattern. She was in the airport, not the Nest.
Neil held her breath when it came back enough to do so, then painstakingly joisted herself out of the chair. For a moment, she was sure her legs would give out from under her. Somehow they held. It hurt to clench her hand around her duffel bag's strap, but she held on anyway. She couldn't feel the weight of it against her hip. She needed to know it was there with her.
She trudged for Arrivals. It would have been a short walk, but she moved with the speed and grace of someone six times her age. Every inch of her felt like it had gone through a meat grinder. She made it as far as baggage claim before she realized she had nowhere to go, and no way of getting there. Neil stared stupidly at the converter belts, then limped to the wall. She followed it until she found an outlet. Her hands screamed in pain as she rummaged through her duffel but she finally found her phone. It was dead, of course. It probably died two– three? –weeks ago. Neil plugged it in and waited.
When it had enough juice to turn on, it immediately started loading every missed message from her break. Neil tried thumbing through her contacts, but alerts kept popping up to interrupt her progress. She gave up and watched the names flash by. Unsurprisingly, most of the texts were from Nicky. Even Aaron and Allison's names came up. The only name missing was Audrey's.
At last, her phone had downloaded everything from the server, and Neil could get into her contacts list. She had only missed one call, it seemed. From Audrey. It couldn't register what time, since everything that loaded registered as in the last few minutes, but it was equally as confusing. She stared at it until her body gave another twinge, and she refocused to pull up the contact.
Wymack answered on the fourth ring.
"You have a good reason to be bothering me on a holiday?"
"I didn't know who else to call." Neil said. She barely recognized her own voice. The last time she had used it had been for begging; apparently her vocal cords still hadn't recovered. Neil pressed her forehead to the wall and tried to breathe. She couldn't remember when breathing wasn't a chore.
"Neil?" All the gruff posturing left Wymack's voice; that sharp edge was all alarm. "Are you alright?"
Neil smiled. It felt like it tore her face open. "No. No, I'm not. I know it's kind of sudden, but can you come get me? I'm at the airport."
"Wait right there," Wymack said. "I'm on my way."
Neil nodded, knowing Wymack couldn't see it, and hung up. She didn't have the strength to stay standing, so she knelt and set a timer on her phone for fifteen minutes, and shut her eyes. When it went off, she yanked the charger from the wall and carried her bag outside. She sat on the curb with her feet in the gutter, ignoring the way irate drivers honked warnings at her. She was so out of it she didn't realize Wymack had pulled up to the curb a short ways down until a heavy hand wrapped around her arm.
"Up," Wymack said, ignoring the violent way she flinched at the contact. "We're getting out of here."
Neil twisted her hand into Wymack's sleeve and let Wymack haul her to her feet. Wymack got the passenger door open for her, and watched as Neil climbed in. When Neil was safely tucked inside, he slammed the door and went around to the driver's side. Neil steeled herself for questions, but Wymack said nothing to her.
Neil watched the airport disappear, watched signs blur outside the window, and let her eyes close.
When she opened them again, she was flat on her back on Wymack's couch. Had he carried her? Wymack had dragged his desk chair into the living room to keep watch over her. A bottle of scotch sat almost empty on the coffee table between them. The lid was on, but Neil could still smell it. Neil pushed herself up, wincing the entire way, and returned Wymack's guarded expression with one of her own.
"I'm sorry."
"He sounds like Neil," Wymack said, "but he doesn't look like him. I'll take your explanation from the top and without a side order of bullshit, thanks."
Neil looked at him, not understanding. The answer was there, just out of reach, a flash of blue and panic and shattered glass. Neil clawed desperately at her memory again, but her body caught on before her mind did. She reached up to touch her hair, and Neil remembered. Dread was acid in her veins, eating her alive from the inside out, and Neil lurched to her feet.
"No," She said, but it was too late to change things.
Wymack got up when Neil stumbled for the door, but didn't try to stop her. Neil threw the bathroom door open and cut the light on. The face waiting for her in the mirror was horrible enough to take her legs out from under her. Neil scrabbled at the sink as she crumpled to her knees, but wasn't strong enough to hold herself up.
Neil had dyed her hair brown from time to time, but never this shade, never anywhere near this shade. This was her natural color, and those were real eyes. And this was her father's face. The bandages and bruises weren't enough to disguise the man she had seen in her reflection. Neil thought she would throw up, but she was too weak to manage it.
"Breathe," Wymack said.
Neil didn't realize she had stopped until Wymack's fist on her back pounded the air back into her lungs. She clawed at the cabinet door and choked on the first half-breath she managed. She had to grit her teeth against a cry she didn't dare voice. It was too late to tell Wymack not to look. It was far too late for Wymack to pretend he hadn't seen. Wymack didn't know who he was looking at, but that didn't matter.
The click of a lighter pulled her back right before she went over that edge, and Neil took the cigarette Wymack offered her. She cradled it close and breathed in as deep as she could. It hurt to breathe, but it always had, so she did it anyway. Each successive breath pulled hard at her stitches and the bandages taped to her skin. She pressed her free hand to her coat, trying to feel the gauze through the thick wool. She finally inhaled so deeply she choked on it. She coughed so hard she thought she would break something, but on the tail-end of her coughing, she was laughing.
It sounded twisted and wrong in this suffocating space, but Neil couldn't stop. She bit her hand to muffle the sound, but it didn't help. Hysteria was one hard blink away from taking over.
"Neil," Wymack said. "I need you to talk to me."
"I think I pulled my stitches," Neil said. "I feel blood."
"Where?" Wymack asked.
"Everywhere?" Neil guessed, and tried undoing her coat buttons one handed.
Wymack pushed Neil's hand out of the way. Neil let Wymack fight with the buttons and zipper, but it took both of them to get Neil's coat off. She caught the fingertip of one glove in her teeth and tugged, only to wince at the way her cheek twinged. Wymack noticed the expression and reached for her face. Neil hadn't realized she had bandages on her face until Wymack pried gauze and tape off.
Wymack went so still Neil thought he had turned to stone. "Neil, the fuck is on your face?"
Neil wrested her gloves free and touched bare fingers to her skin. She didn't feel anything, so she caught at the sink and tried to get on her feet. Wymack let her try once on her one, then got up and hauled Neil upright.
Neil wasn't ready to see her reflection again.
She was less ready to see the 4 tattooed on her left cheekbone.
Wymack wasn't expecting her violent reaction. That was the only reason Neil succeeded in throwing herself out of the bathroom. Neil dove past him and ran for the kitchen. By the time Wymack caught up with her, she had already pulled a knife from the wooden block on Wymack's counter. Wymack seized her wrist before Neil could take the knife to her own face.
Neil fought like a caged beast, but Wymack slammed her hand down on the counter until Neil lost her grip. Neil scrambled for the knife, but Wymack dragged Neil to the floor with him. He got both arms around Neil and held on tight, and there was nothing Neil could do but exhaust herself trying to get free.
"Hey," Wymack said at her ear, sharp and insistent until Neil remembered who was holding her. "Hey. it's alright."
It'd never been all right. It'd come close in fleeting patches, in stolen moments with her teammates and in their last-second wins, but it'd always been overshadowed by this awful truth. Every time Neil blinked, she remembered a little more of Evermore. Every time she moved, she felt Riko's blades and fire and hands all over her skin. She had let Riko take her apart time and time again because it was the only way to survive, because bending should have kept her from breaking, but Neil didn't know if she could pull herself back together one more time. She wasn't strong enough for this. She never had been. Her mother had held her up, but she was gone now.
"Neil," Wymack said.
Neil, Wymack called her, even when she looked like this, with her father's face and her father's eyes and the Moriyamas' number on her face. Neil, Wymack called her, and more than anything Neil wanted it to be true. She stopped fighting to get free; the hands that had been trying to wrench Wymack's arms off her now held on for dear life.
"Help me," Neil choked out through her gritted teeth.
"Let me," Wymack shot back, so Neil closed her eyes. Wymack said nothing else until Neil's labored breathing finally smoothed into something more manageable. "What the fuck happened? Last I heard, you were spending Christmas with your uncle."'
"I lied," Neil said. "Riko threatened me and I had to go. There was nothing else I could've done."
"Shut up," Wymack said, so Neil subsided. They sat in silence while Neil clung to him for a couple minutes before Wymack said, "Can I let go of you and trust you to behave, or are you going to try and cut your face off again? I want to check on your stitches."
"I'll behave," Neil said.
"Forgive me if I don't trust you," Wymack said, but he let go.
They got back to their feet. Wymack meant it when he said he didn't trust Neil, because he took Neil back to the living room and out of eyesight of the knives. Wymack gestured at Neil to shed her shirt, but Neil couldn't move well enough to get it off. Wymack eyed her for a moment, then left to get his cooking scissors. She brandished them at Neil in a question, and Neil nodded. She held perfectly still while Wymack cut the shirt off her.
Wymack paused, and Neil thought it was in reaction to the mess of her back, but then she felt him finally nudge the binder she wore.
"Can I cut through this too?"
"Yeah," Neil sighed, and shut her eyes.
The binder went too. Wymack didn't say anything about the scars, or her chest. He didn't say anything about how many bandages Neil had wrapped around her chest and abdomen, or how many bruises showed around the gauze. He just checked Neil over with a clinical eye and poked at every line of stitches for weaknesses. Neil stood silently and let him work. Neil held her forearm across her breasts in a pathetic attempt at modesty, and Wymack thankfully said nothing about it. She had ripped threads loose on her side, down near her waist, but that gash was almost healed anyway. Wymack pushed at Neil's skin to see if it would bleed, and came back with clean fingers.
Wymack peeled off blood-crusted bandages and dropped them on the coffee table. He surveyed the damage, then left. Neil heard a drawer snick open and closed, and the faucet cut on for a couple seconds. Wymack came back with a wet wash cloth, and a small first aid kit. Neil tried to take the cloth from him, but she couldn't close her fingers tight enough to hold onto it. Wymack pushed her hand out of the way and scrubbed dried blood from her skin. It hurt, but she just gritted her teeth and stayed silent.
It made her think of long nights on the road, of catching her breath in safe houses all around the world. For a moment, Neil remembered how her mother's fingers felt on her skin. She remembered the bite of countless needles moving in and out as Mary threaded her broken body back together. The new heat crawling up her throat to prick at her eyes was grief. Neil blinked it away as hard as she could.
"One day, we're going to talk about this," Wymack said in a low voice.
"After finals," Neil said without looking at him. "After we beat the Ravens. Then I'll tell you whatever you want to know. I'll even tell you the truth."
"I'll believe that when I see it."
Wymack carried the dirty bandages and washcloth out of the room. Neil sank onto the couch and looked at the bottle of scotch. The empty class sat off to one side. It took no work to fill it, and less to knock it back. The heat was familiar, as was the harsh aftertaste.
"I thought you didn't drink," Wymack said from the doorway.
"I don't, unless I have to. We used alcohol as anesthetics because we couldn't risk going to a hospital." The words burned on her lips more than the drink did. Neil put the glass down and let her fingers linger on the rim. She didn't let go until she was sure her hand wasn't trembling, and then she traced the ugliest of her scars with her index finger. "Too many questions. Too much lost time. It was safer to drink away the pain."
She clenched her hand and lowered it to her lap, her other arm still barring her chest. "Is that enough? It's a truth on credit to hold you until spring."
"Yes," Wymack said. "It's enough for now."
Wymack wrapped up Neil's wounds with fresh bandages, and provided her with a pair of his pajamas. Neil went to the bathroom, and after promising Wymack she wouldn't hurt herself, slowly managed to strip off her underwear. She turned on the water of the tap, letting it spill over her fingers until it was warm. It took a few breaths to summon the courage, then she stuck two fingers inside herself. After a few round sweeps where she rinsed her fingers off in the water in between, she deemed herself clean enough. The feeling would never leave her, she knew, but at least she knew she was clean. Neil turned the water to cold and used it to soothe some of the persistent sting from where the soft skin had torn, though it did nothing for the actual abrasion.
She stole a few more breaths, then turned her boxers inside out before tugging them back on. She didn't want to feel anything that had leaked out and turned cold on the fabric. Even staring at them though, she couldn't bring herself to put them back on. Neil stuffed them into the bottom of the trashcan, and yanked the pajama pants back on, tying the drawstring.
"Good?" Wymack asked when she came out.
Neil nodded. The pair sat in silence, Wymack watching Neil, and Neil studying her hands. She fought with her memory, holding back what she remembered so she could stay above it enough to recall the rest of her stay at Evermore. When the most important piece clicked into place, she could finally breathe.
"I didn't sign it," Neil said, looking up from her hands. She lifted her fingers to her face. She couldn't feel her tattoo, but she had seen Kevin often enough that she knew exactly where hers was. "He gave me a contract, but I wouldn't sign it. He couldn't make me. This doesn't mean anything. The starting lineup initiation didn't mean anything. I'm still a Fox."
"Of course you are," Wymack said.
Neil nodded, and looked at the clock. It was five minutes until midnight. "Are we going to watch the ball drop? I want to make a wish."
"You make wishes on shooting stars," Wymack said, frowning. "New Year's is for resolutions."
"That's okay too," Neil said.
Wymack dug his remote out from under a couch cushion, and turned on the TV. Noise and music filled the room. Cameras panned across the crowd as a band performed onstage. Neil searched the crowd for Foxes, knowing she wouldn't see any but needing to look anyway.
She checked her phone, found the battery blinking low, and opened the message box anyway. She didn't read them. She didn't have the time or the battery. She had enough power to compose a group message, though, so she tapped out a simple "Happy New Year" to the Foxes.
The response was almost immediate. By the time Neil looked up and watched the flashing ball start its descent, she had already heard back from her entire time, most of them in caps-lock and with extraneous exclamation marks. She had ignored them through Christmas, but they seemed excited to hear from her now. She was their family. They were hers. They were worth every cut, and bruise, and scream.
Neil watched the ball hit bottom. It was January. It was a new year. It was eleven days until the first championships match, and four months until Finals.
Facing the Foxes on the court this spring would be the last mistake Riko ever made.
Notes:
i've seen people say that nora doesn't think riko would outright rape someone, bc he gets off with just causing pain. i made an exception because in riko's mind, he's stolen his brother's property. by doing it, he's staking his claim on neil, who at one point belonged to his brother, to prove that he got there first- now has something ichirou doesn't have. it's not about the act, it's about the claiming and ownership to him. anyway, i just finished writing the rest of it today, beleive it or not, so i just need to edit it all. posting is already pretty fast, but i don't see why it shouldn't pick up even more. srry this chapter sucks lol but next one will be better
Chapter 17: a new low
Notes:
no new tws but slight spoilers for tsc?? maybe???? i don't feel like it is but idk, stay safe out there. but also. what are you doing if you haven't read tsc yet?? it's november 2025, MINIMUM not counting future readers. come on now. get reading. get ready for tbc. cmon now.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Even after a semester at Palmetto State University and a couple weeks practicing on the largest Exy stadium in the United States, Neil was still struck breathless by the Foxhole Court. She lay flat on her back on the half-court line and soaked it in. She counted rows of alternating orange and white seats until they blurred into an indistinct mess near the rafters, then studied the spring championship banners hanging in numerical order around the stadium. There was one for each of the Foxes, including herself. They hadn't been there before the Foxes split for Christmas.
"You forget how to stand up, Josten?"
Neil lolled her head to one side to look at her coach. Neil didn't think they'd been there long enough for Wymack to finish his paperwork. Either Wymack didn't trust Neil to keep her promise not to practice until she was fully healed, or Neil had lost track of time again. Neil hoped it was the former, but the knot in her stomach dictated otherwise.
The sixteen hour schedule she had been running on for the last two weeks was punishing, and she had yet to fight free of its grasp completely. Wymack said having a normal routine would help, and Neil could only hope he was right.
"It's time to go," Wymack said.
That was enough to make Neil get up, though her battered body protested. She ignored the pain with the ease of long familiarity and resisted the urge to work at the ache in her shoulders as she crossed the court. She didn't miss the critical once-over Wymack gave her, but chose not to acknowledge it.
"They landed?" Neil asked when she was close enough.
"You would know if you were answering your phone."
Neil pulled her phone out of her pocket, only to find that it was indeed dead. "Must have forgotten to charge it."
"Must have," Wymack said, not at all fooled.
He was right to be suspicious. Neil had let her phone die on purpose. Before going to bed on New Year's, she had shut her phone off and left it unplugged. She still hadn't read any of her waiting messages. She couldn't avoid them forever, but she was coming close. She hadn't figured out how to explain her actions. The ugly injuries she sported were an expected consequence of facing Riko and his Ravens. The tattoo on her cheek would take a little more work to justify. What Neil couldn't get around was what Riko had done to her appearance.
"They're at baggage claim," Wymack said. "We need to talk."
Neil bolted the court door behind herself and followed Wymack up to the locker room. Wymack cut the stadium lights behind them, and Neil looked back as the Foxhole Court was swallowed by darkness. The sudden absence of light sent a chill down her spin. For a moment, she was back at Evermore being smothered by the Ravens' malevolence and the court's forbidding color scheme. She had never been claustrophobic before, but the weight of so much hatred had nearly crushed every bone in her body.
The jangle of keys brought her back from that dangerous edge. Neil turned, startled. Wymack was already opening his office door. Even though it was just Neil and Wymack, he had locked the door in between fetching her. There was nothing of value in there except Neil's duffel bag. In the beginning of the year, Neil had asked him to protect it, and that valiant upheld promise was almost enough to make Neil forget all about Riko. She knew now that Audrey would have gotten into it one way or another, at the beginning of the year, but she was still just as grateful.
Wymack stepped aside and gestured for Neil to help herself. In the time it took her to sling her bag over her shoulder, Wymack disappeared. Neil found him in the lounge, sitting on the entertainment center to one side of the TV. Neil held onto her bag's strap for courage and went to stand in front of him.
"Kevin called me yesterday morning when he couldn't get a hold of you," Wymack said. "He wanted to make sure you were okay. Apparently, he knew all along where you were."
"There was no point in lying, so Neil said, "Yes."
"I made him tell the others," Wymack said, and Neil's heart stopped. She opened her mouth to protest, but Wymack held his hand up and kept going. "They needed to know what they're coming back to– for your sake. Think for a moment how they would react if they came back to this with no warning. You flounder when they call you their friend; you'd probably have a psychotic break when they freaked out over you."
Neil wanted to argue with that. The best she managed was an unconvincing, "I was figuring something out."
"You were stalling." Wymack accused, but it held no weight. "I did it for you. I told them you look like you've gone six rounds with a sasquatch and said you probably wouldn't want to talk about it. They promised not to smother you, but I don't know if they'll keep that promise when they see you up close. This, though, I didn't tell them about." He gestured vaguely at his own face.
Neil resisted the urge to touch the bandage on her cheekbone, hiding her tattoo. "This?"
"All of it," Wymack said. "I don't know why Riko did it, but I'll wait for my answers. What you tell them is on you."
It was almost enough to thaw the ice in her chest. Neil didn't know what to say, so she nodded, and looked at the clock. She didn't have to pick the others up from the airport, because Matt had paid to leave his truck in long-term parking, and Kevin and Audrey would be getting back from Columbia at the same time. Neil was supposed to meet them at Fox Tower, but if they were just now getting their bags, it would take them another twenty minutes or so to get to campus from Upstate Regional.
"Should I come with you to referee?" Wymack asked.
'To the dorm?" Neil asked.
"If Audrey doesn't show up here and storm the place before then, yeah."
Neil, who had been carrying a pit in her stomach around about that very thing since she had left for Evermore, shrugged. "We'll be fine. She hasn't showed up yet, so I think we're good."
"If not, at least Abby will be back in town tomorrow to patch you up." Wymack checked his watch and slid off his perch. "Let's get going, then."
It was a short drive to the dorm. Neil's stomach twisted when he recognized some of the Foxes' cars. The parking lot was mostly deserted, so Wymack had an easy time pulling right up to the curb.
"Do I need to stay?" Wymack asked.
"I'll be fine," Neil said. "I'm sure someone will call you and report back if it all goes to shit."
"Charge your phone and call me yourself," Wymack said. "Good luck."
He pulled away, and Neil went into the dorm. The outside door was propped open with a brick, presumably for cleaners. The hallways smelled faintly of air freshener and cleaners; it confirmed that someone had been by during the break to tidy the place up. Her room was on the third floor, the furthest of the Foxes' three rooms from the stairs. She let herself in, locked the door behind her, and made a slow lap of the suite. Though the door had been unlocked for mandatory carpet cleaning, nothing was out of place. Once that was confirmed, she plugged in her phone, and unpacked her duffel. She stumbled across the last of her athletic tape, and frowned. In the state she was in, the last thing she wanted to do was bind her chest again. Still, she couldn't not, so she went back into her dresser to pull out another roll of bandages. They were loose enough that it wasn't too painful. It was enough that under a team sweatshirt she pulled on over her t-shirt, she deemed herself flat enough.
The last thing she pulled out was her pack of cigarettes. She turned them over and over, staring at them until she carried them to the bedroom window and lit up.
She was on the end of her first cigarette when the front door opened. The quiet conversation told her that only Matt and Seth had come; Nicky couldn't be sneaky to save his life. Neil heard the thump of suitcases being set down, and the click of a door catching in its frame. Neil took one last deep breath of smoke, then stubbed the cigarette out on the windowsill. She forced the tension out of her shoulders, hoped her neutral expression held, then yanked the window closed. When she turned around, Matt was standing in the bedroom doorway, Seth not far behind.
Matt's mouth moved soundlessly. Seth, who had no such problem, said, "Fucking hell, kid."
"Neil," Matt finally choked.
"It's not as bad as it looks," Neil said.
"It looks pretty fucking bad," Seth said, then dragged his suitcase inside, past Matt.
"Don't. Just– don't, okay?" Matt said. He carded his fingers through his hair, mussing his gelled spikes, and turned away. "Wait here."
Neil went to the bedroom doorway as Matt left the suite. Almost as soon as the door closed, there was the heavy sound of a body hitting the wall. Neil heard Matt's furious tone as he lashed out at someone, but the walls were just thick enough to hide his words. Audrey's voice, though, was unmistakable, and there was another thud.
"Ignore them," Seth said. "But seriously. Are you good?"
Neil shrugged. "I'll be fine."
Seth stared at her for a moment too long, then seemed to accept it. The temptation to crawl into bed was almost overwhelming. She was exhausted already, and she still had seven teammates left to deal with after Matt was done. At least Seth had taken it as well as she could've hoped. There was no way she would survive if the girls were coming back today; luckily, the three were flying in tomorrow morning. She would have the night to retreat and recharge.
She made herself go into the main room to wait. Matt rejoined her a minute later and closed the door firmly behind himself. He made a visible effort to calm down, even though Neil could see the clear signs of a bruise forming along his jaw. There was still an edge to his voice when he spoke.
"Did Coach already yell at you?"
"Loudly and at length," Neil said. "It didn't do any good. I'm not sorry, and I'd do it again if I had to. No," Neil cut in before Matt could argue. "The Foxes are all I have, Matt. Don't tell me I was wrong for making the only call I could."
Matt stared at her for an endless minute, then said, "I want to break his face in six places. If he ever comes within a thousand yards of you again–"
"He has to," Neil said. "We're going to play the Ravens in finals."
Matt shook his head and grabbed his suitcase. Neil stepped off to one side so Matt could pass, but Matt cast one last look at Neil's face on his way by. Surprise took the edge off of his outrage. Neil didn't return the look, but started for the bedroom door. She almost made it. She had her hand on the knob when Matt spoke up.
"Coach said not to ask you about your eyes," Matt said, "I had assumed Riko blackened them."
It wasn't really a question, so Neil didn't answer it. She wasn't feeling up to confronting Kevin, let alone Audrey, so she moved into the kitchen. They had cleared most of the fridge out before break. Neil scrounged around in the back of the cabinets until she dug out a box of protein bars, and ate a couple dipped in peanut butter.
"Are those mine?" Seth asked when he sat at the counter.
"Probably," Neil said.
Seth scoffed, then shook his head. "You're lucky you already look like shit. Al is going to flip her shit at you, so I won't. She and the rest of the team will do it for me."
"You're so generous," Neil said flatly.
"So they tell me." Seth held out a hand, so Neil handed him the last protein bar and threw the box in the trash. "I would ask when your girlfriend is coming to get you, but maybe she broke up with you."
"Who?" Neil asked.
Seth rolled his eyes. "Audrey. She just hit Matt in the hall."
Neil blinked. "Why? Why would she do that?"
"Weren't you listening? I sure heard it. Matt hit Kevin, but Audrey hit Matt."
"Oh," Neil said, then waved her hand. "Because he hit Kevin. That had nothing to do with me."
"So she's still your girlfriend?"
Neil opened her mouth, then realized any conversation she was dreading with Audrey wouldn't be as bad as this one. Neil shook her head, then turned and left the dorm. Unfortunately, Nicky and Kevin were already walking down the hall towards her. Nicky was holding a gift bag, but dropped it at Neil's approach. Neil was halfway to them before she saw the bruise on Kevin's face. The red stain across half his cheek said a second bruise wouldn't be long in forming. It wasn't the first time Matt hit Kevin, and it definitely wouldn't be the last, but Neil made a note to talk to him later. None of this was Kevin's fault.
Her gaze flicked back to Nicky when he moved. He reached out, and when Neil was close enough, tucked her carefully into his arms, propping his chin on Neil's head. Nicky was tense as stone, but the long breath he let out was shaky.
"Oh, Neil," he said, in a choked voice. "You look awful."
"It'll fade," Neil said. "Most of it, anyway. Don't worry about it."
Nicky's fingers tightened a fraction. "Don't you dare tell me you're fine. I can't hear that from you today, okay?"
Neil obediently went quiet. Nicky held on for a minute longer, then finally let her go. Neil turned to Kevin, and felt her stomach drop.
Kevin was staring at Neil like he had seen a ghost. The others might find Neil's abrupt change in appearance startling, but Kevin knew who Neil really was; he had met her father. He knew exactly what this meant. Neil shook her head in a silent plea to keep quiet. She wasn't entirely surprised that Kevin ignored that, but at least he had the decency to speak in French.
"Tell me the master did not approve of this."
"I don't know," Neil said. The last few days in Riko's care were a painful blur, the only clear memories being the ones she wanted to think of the least. She only dimly remembered Jean's hands working dye through her hair. She thought it was one of the last things they must have done to her, but she couldn't remember if Tetsuji had been present for it. "Riko said he'd hurt us if I change it back. All I can do is duck my head, and hope for the best."
"Duck your head," Kevin echoed. He gestured incredulously at his own face. "Riko called me on Christmas and said he inked you. How long do you think he'll let you hide before he forces you to show it off? The press will be all over this, and they won't stop their questions at your tattoo. He's trying to get you found."
Fear was ice in Neil's stomach, eating its way up her throat. Keeping it from bleeding into her voice took everything Neil had, but she had to. "I'll take it as a compliment. He's trying to take me out of the game before semifinals. He wouldn't waste his time unless he really thinks we're going to be a problem for his team. That means something, doesn't it?"
"Neil."
"I'll worry about this, Kevin. I'll worry about me. You do what you do best, and focus on Exy. Take us where he doesn't want us to go."
Kevin's mouth thinned to a hard line, but he didn't argue. Maybe he knew it was pointless; maybe he knew it was too late. Nicky looked between them as if making sure they were done, then scooped his bag up again and held it out to Neil.
"Belated Christmas present," He said, a little sadly. "No one knew your address in Millport, so I figured I'd just have to give it to you in person. Erik helped me pick it out." At Neil's confused glance, Nicky said, "He flew to New York for a couple days as a Christmas surprise. Kevin's got something for you in there, too. He wouldn't let me wrap it, so it's in an ugly plastic bag. I'm sorry."
Nicky smiled as Neil took the offered bag. "I already gave Audrey hers. I got you two the same thing because you are like, the most impossible people in the world to buy for."
"I'm sorry," Neil said. "I didn't get anyone anything. I'm not used to celebrating Christmas."
"I know what he's like," Kevin said suddenly. Neil glanced up at him, surprised, but Kevin looked away. "Riko. if you want to talk."
It was by far the most awkward and uncomfortable thing Kevin had ever said to her. Kevin was known for his talent, not his sensitivity. That he tried at all, though, was so unexpected that Neil felt it like a balm to every bruised inch of her skin.
"Thank you."
"I know what he's like, but I can't–" he made a helpless gesture, then spoke in stilted French again. "Riko was cruel, but he needed me to succeed. It was different for Jean. You know, now. You're both property, in their eyes."
"I am not property," Neil said in a low voice.
"I know how he sees you. I know it means he did not hold back."
"It doesn't matter." It sounded like a lie, even to her, but Kevin didn't call her on it. "It's over now, and I'm back where I belong. The only thing that matters now is what comes next."
"It's not that easy."
"I'll tell you what's not easy: finding out from Jean that Coach is your father," Neil said, and Kevin gave a violent flinch. "Were you ever going to tell him?"
"I was going to when he signed me. I couldn't."
"Were you protecting him or yourself?"
"Both, perhaps. The master is not like his brother, nor is he like Riko. His kingdom is his court, and that is the only sphere he chooses to exert control over. He has never raised a hand or voice against Coach before because Coach has never been a real threat to him. I didn't know if a confession would change things. I couldn't risk it. Maybe when this is all over."
Anything else she said would be too cruel to take back, so she kept her mouth shut. She busied herself opening the present Nicky gave her. Wrapped in orange tissue paper was a black coat. It looked small, but was heavy in her hands; it would keep out the bitter chill that had settled in South Carolina. Neil let Nicky take the bag from her loose fingers.
"Thank you," she said, and knew it would never be enough.
"You still don't have any proper winter clothes," Nickys said. "We should just take you out and expand your wardrobe, but I figured we could start with this. You can't keep wearing team hoodies and not expect to catch a cold. Does it fit?"
Neil unzipped it and started to shrug into it. She only got one arm through before her entire chest and side lanced white-hot with pain. She froze and blinked away the fuzz eating through her vision. "I'm sorry," she said, and regretted it immediately. She could hear the pain in her voice, thick enough to slur her words. Nicky looked stricken with guilt. "I can't yet."
"I'm sorry," Nicky said. "I didn't– I wasn't thinking. Here, here. Let me. I've got it." Nicky eased the coat off Neil's arm and folded it. "I'll hold onto it until you're better, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you."
Neil gave herself a moment to just breath before digging Kevin's gift from the bag next. She knew what it was as soon as she felt it. She had worried over it too long not to recognize how it felt in her hand. At first glance, the binder was an obsessive fan's shrine to Kevin and Riko. Now, she wanted to tear each photo and article of Riko out.
"You're not going to look?" Nicky asked.
"It's mine," Neil said. "I asked Kevin to hold onto it. I know what it is. Thank you."
"I didn't open it."
Neil almost smiled at the idea of Kevin looking through it. She doubted he would search it hard enough after one photo of himself side by side with Riko to come up with the essentials of being on the run.
"Do you have my keys?"
"Audrey has them," Kevin said.
"You gave them to her?"
"Not willingly. She wanted to see them before we got here."
Neil tucked the binder under her arm. "Is she in the room?"
Nicky grimaced. "No. She wanted to talk to you, actually. She's on the roof."
Neil's gaze snapped to Kevin, and Kevin just shook his head. "I didn't say anything, but Wymack called me. Our flight back from California got delayed, so we were in the airport together when Wymack forced me to call everyone."
"You went to California with her instead of New York?"
Kevin grimaced. "I guess she was planning on letting me go only if you were there. When she got back from Columbia and you were gone, she decided that I had to go with her. She didn't say anything else about you."
"Until she punched Matt," Nicky chipped in. "Then she said to tell you to meet her on the roof."
Neil nodded, then tried to turn around to go back to her dorm. Nicky called after her, and when she didn't move to stop, he caught Neil's wrist. Fire sizzled up Neil's forearm and down to her fingertips. She had rubbed her wrists raw fighting Riko's handcuffs on the first night; the state of her skin would never be the same. Her bandages weren't thick enough to protect her from Nicky's tight grip, and she flinched before she could stop herself.
Nicky let go like he'd been burned. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't–"
Neil's hand was throbbing, but she said, "It's fine."
"But Neil, real quick," Nicky said, and there was a note of desperation in his voice that actually had her turning back around. The German he spoke next turned her all the way around. "I want to apologize to you again. I know it was months ago, and I don't want to drag it back out if it's going to be a sore spot for you, especially now, but I am so, so sorry for what I did to you in May. That was inexusaable, and honestly disgusting, and it will never, ever happen again."
She blinked at him. Every inch of him was earnest in a way she had never seen from him. It wasn't just his reaction to her time with the Ravens', either, Neil could tell that the apology had been a long-time coming. Looking at him right after had made her nervous, made her stomach flip occasionally. Now, looking at him, all she saw was Nicky.
Neil shook her head. "Thank you for apologizing again, but I forgave you a while ago."
Nicky seemed too stunned to chase after her. Neil tucked her binder back into her safe, and when she went back to the hall, Kevin and Nicky were gone. She had snagged her pack of cigarettes, and as she climbed the stairs as fast her injuries allowed, she ran her finger over the case. The stairwell dead-ended at a door marked "Roof Access – Maintenance Staff Only." Neil assumed it would be locked, but when she got closer, she saw the neat cuts on the door and frame. Audrey must have sabotaged the lock long ago.
The wind felt stronger that high off the ground, and Neil wished she had been able to wear her new coat. Still, the chill but fresh afternoon was so different from the Nest she didn't realize the world under her feet had begun to shake again until this stilled it.
Audrey was on the edge of the roof, surveying the campus. She was wearing the matching black coat to Neil's. Neil made sure the gravel under her feet crunched as she made her way to cautiously look over the side. Heights didn't make her squeamish, but the lack of a safety rail was unnerving when it was a four-storey drop. Neil pulled her cigarettes out, shook two free, and let them. Audrey took hers silently, propping it between her lips while Neil cupped hers in her hands to shield it from the wind.
Audrey turned to face her, eyes not lingering. "I'll take an explanation now.
"You couldn't ask for answers inside where it's warm?" Neil asked.
"If you're worried about dying of exposure, you're a little late. "Audrey raised a hand to Neil's face. Neil flinched at her speed, but when Audrey just shot her an unimpressed look, Neil nodded.
She shouldn't have been surprised that the first thing Audrey went for the bandage on her cheek. Nicky had looked past it, not even noticing it amongst the rest of the gauze and tape. Audrey had spent too much time watching Kevin's back to not put the pieces together. She scratched up a corner of the tape and ripped the bandage off like she wanted to take Neil's face with it. Neil braced herself for violence, but Audrey's blank expression didn't change at the sight of Neil's new tattoo.
"This is a new low," Audrey said, "even for you."
"I'm not wearing it by choice."
"You chose to go to Evermore."
"I came back."
"Riko let you go," Audrey corrected her. "We are doing too well this year, and your feud is too public. No one would have believed you willingly transferred to Edgar Allan mid-season." Audrey smashed the bandage against Neil's face again and pressed the tape flat with hard fingers. Neil forced herself not to flinch away. "You weren't supposed to run. Did you forget?"
"I came back," Neil said. "I kept my end of the deal."
"You said this had nothing to do with Kevin. Why did you go?"
Neil didn't know if she could say it. Thinking about it was almost too much. Audrey was waiting though, so Neil choked back her nausea. "Riko said if I didn't, he would pay off the prosecution and have you sent to Easthaven."
Audrey's blank face twitched into a frown, so Neil grimaced. "The day Seth got back, you called me when we were at the police station because Seth wanted to fill out a statement on one of the doctors there. Riko said the doctor would use therapeutic reenactments for you, and– and after Seth, I knew they weren't joking."
Hatred thawed a little of the new ice in her veins, but the bored look on Audrey's face was something to ground herself on. It provided her a foothold to stumble on and catch herself to keep going. She reached up and tugged the bandage off of Neil's neck, revealing what Neil knew was a mean tear, jagged and unmistakable in its double horseshoe shape– someone had almost taken a bite out of her.
"Was this Riko too?"
"No," Neil said, and didn't elaborate.
"Do not make the mistake of thinking I need your protection," Audrey finally said.
"I had to try. If I could stop it and did nothing, how could I face you again? How could I live with myself?"
"Your crumbling psyche is your problem, not mine," Audrey bit back. "I said I would keep you alive this year. Whether or not there's a deal in place for that, I can't fulfill my end of it if there's no team. You know what happens to the team if it loses you. You make it infinitely more difficult for me to keep my end when you actively try to get yourself killed."
"You spend all this time watching our backs," Neil said. "Who is watching yours? Don't say you are, because you and I both know you take shit care of yourself."
"You have a hearing problem," Audrey deduced. "Too many balls to the helmet. Can you read lips?" Audrey pointed at her mouth as she spoke. "The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?"
"If it means losing you, then no."
Audrey glared at her. She took a last long drag from her cigarette and flicked it off the roof. She watched it go, then said, "Go inside and leave me alone."
"You still have my keys," Neil reminded her.
"I didn't want them to begin with."
"But do you still have them?"
Audrey dug Neil's keys out of her pocket. It was a relief to see them. Handing them off to Kevin had felt like a death sentence. Instead of handing the whole ring back, she tossed them after her cigarette. Neil leaned out to see if they'd land on anyone, but the sidewalk below was empty. Her keys clattered harmlessly against the ground. Neil straightened and looked at Audrey.
Audrey didn't return the stare, but said, "Not anymore."
Neil opened her mouth, changed her mind at the last second, and turned silently away. She took the stairs down to the ground floor and pushed open the front glass doors. Her keys had landed further out than she expected, but sunlight glinting off the metal made them easier to find. Neil scooped them up and spotted Audrey's cigarette a couple feet away. The ash had broken off on impact, but the end still gave off a thin tendril of smoke.
Audrey was still watching her, still perched on the edge like she had a death wish. Neil wasn't sure why she did it, but she plucked Audrey's cigarette off the sidewalk and stuck it between her lips. She tipped her head back to meet Audrey's unwavering gaze, and tapped two fingers to her temple in her mocking salute. Audrey turned away and disappeared from sight. It felt like a win, though Neil wasn't sure why. She ground the cigarette out beneath her shoe on her way back indoors
Matt was on the couch when Neil made it back to her room. Fresh coffee was sitting on the counter, and a hot mug of it felt good to Neil's chilled hands. Matt checked her on her way to the couch, likely looking for new injuries. Neil sat down as carefully as she could on the far cushion and breathed in the stream from her drink.
"Coach wants him to call you," Matt said.
Neil grimaced, then went into the bedroom to fetch her phone. Seth was napping, clearly having paused unpacking halfway, so Neil stepped around his scattered belongings to unplug her phone from the wall. The flashing logo gave way to her home screen when she shut the door behind her, and dialed Wymack.
"I was starting to think they had killed you and left you to rot," Wymack said in lieu of hello.
"Not yet," Neil said.
"If anyone needs anything, I have my phone on me. Attempt to keep yours on."
"Yes, Coach." Neil said, and turned her phone off again as soon as she hung up.
Slumping back on the couch, Neil cupped her coffee in gentle hands. She propped her feet up and burrowed back into the couch. She ignored Matt for as long as she could, but finally returned his searching look with a guarded expression of her own. She waited for the inevitable questions and accusations, but when Matt finally spoke, it was only to say, "You okay?"
"I'm fine," Neil said.
"For the record, I don't believe you," Matt said.
Neil lifted one shoulder in a tired shrug. "You probably shouldn't believe anything I say."
Matt huffed, too strained and quiet to be a real laugh. "I get the feeling that's the most honest thing you've ever said to me all year. But Neil? We're here when you want to talk about it."
"I know."
It surprised her that it was the truth. She knew just from looking at him that Matt would accept any truth Neil gave him right now, no matter how cruel or unbelievable. She had done the right thing by going to Evermore; she was making the right choice in standing her ground with the Foxes. It didn't matter how much her reflection freaked her out. If it was the only way to keep her teammates safe from Riko's cruelty, it was an easy price to pay.
Neil said, "I wanted to go to New York with you. It was the first time I had been included for anything like that. A vacation. I've never been."
It wasn't what she needed to say, nor what Matt wanted to hear, but Matt didn't push it. He regaled Neil with stories of their holiday, from the group's awkward first meeting with his mom to Nicky's crazed shopping sprees. Matt took Neil into the kitchen to show her the whole beans he had brought back from a local coffee shop, which Neil couldn't definitively taste a difference in, but smiled for all the same.
He told Neil about snow in Central Park and a New Year's countdown spent in Times Square. Neil closed her eyes when they were back on the couch, trying to picture it, imagining for a moment that she had been there too. She didn't mean to fall asleep, but a careful tug at her coffee mug had her jolting awake. Matt narrowly avoided getting hit and held up a hand to ward Neil off.
"Hey," he said. "It's just me."
The mug was cold in her hands and the light in the room seemed wrong. Neil looked to the window, needing to see the sky, but the blinds were drawn. She let Matt take her coffee away and lurched to her feet when he stepped back. She crossed the room as quickly as her battered body could move and yanked the cords to pull the blinds up. The sun was down, but there was still some light in the sky. It was twilight or dawn; Neil didn't know which.
Neil pressed her hand flat against the window. "What day is it?"
It felt like forever before Matt answered slowly. "It's still Tuesday."
Twilight, then. She had only lost a few hours.
"Neil?" Matt asked. "You all right?"
"I'm more tired than I thought," Neil shrugged. "I'm going to bed early."
The unhappy frown on Matt's face said he didn't believe Neil for a second, but Matt didn't try to stop her. Neil closed the bedroom door firmly behind herself and only stripped off her sweatshirt and jeans before crawling into bed. It was too early and she was too sore to fall asleep again yet, but she pulled her blankets over her head, and willed the sound of Seth's snores to be the only thing in her head.
Getting back out of bed Wednesday morning, though, took a herculean effort that Neil only managed to summon because she was as keen on self-preservation as she was on maintaining her lies. She needed her teammates to think she was okay. That meant going about the day as if Christmas had never happened. She bought herself some time to lock her thoughts down and away by going for the world's slowest run down Perimeter Road. Every step sent pain jolting up her legs, and Neil was numb from waist down by the time she made it to Fox Tower.
Matt and Seth, who had disappeared to the gym before Neil got up, were waiting for her in the living room. Matt wore an incredulous look to match Seth's exasperation. "You're crazy, you know that?" Matt asked. "Tell me you didn't really go out like that."
"What time does Dan land?" Neil asked.
For a moment, Neil thought Matt wasn't going to play along and let her change the subject. Matt's mouth thinned to a disapproving line, so it was Seth that said, "Matt was just saying eleven."
Matt made a face at him, but then said, "I'm going to bring us all straight to the court. You catching a ride with Audrey?"
"Yeah," Neil said. "Coach wants me to check in with Abby before the meeting."
Neil locked herself in the bathroom after that for a quick shower. Drying off was almost more painful than her run had been, despite her best efforts to be careful. She dressed at a snail's pace, grimacing the entire way, and took a minute to catch her breath afterward. It bought her time to put a fresh bandage over her tattoo and her neck, but her heart was still pounding in her temples when she left the muggy heat of the bathroom.
Seth was sprawled on the couch with the TV on when Neil left the bedroom fully dressed. He acknowledged Neil with a pointed finger, then went back to his show. Matt came out of the bedroom, and thankfully said nothing when Neil left. He had maybe assumed that Neil was going two doors down to bother the cousins. Instead, Neil left the dorm and took the winding path down to Perimeter Road. She cut a slow path across campus to the library.
She saw only a couple other students on her way up the stairs to the computer lab. Despite the relative privacy, Neil went to a computer on the very last row. She stopped obsessively keeping up with the news in September, but today, she wasn't looking for dredges of her past. She looked first for anything about her stint in Evermore, found nothing, and moved on to research the other teams in spring championships.
She couldn't remember putting her head down, and definitely didn't remember falling asleep. Fingers digging into the back of her skull startled her awake. She grabbed for her gun, for anything, while clamping her mouth shut. She sent the computer mouse skidding across the table. Neil stared blankly at it, then at the screen in front of her. Fingers clenched in a fist in her hair, and Neil couldn't help the whine that slipped out.
"Is your learning curve a horizontal line?" Audrey asked. "I told you yesterday to stop making my life difficult."
"Stop–" Neil managed. "Stop pulling my hair."
The fist released, and Neil sucked in her first actual breath. When she knew her voice wouldn't shake, she said, "I told you I wouldn't promise anything."
Audrey matched that with an unimpressed look. She closed three tabs before she saw what time it was. It was after eleven, which meant Matt was greeting Dan and the girls at Arrivals, and Neil was supposed to already be at the stadium with Abby. Neil didn't know what was worse, that she had lost two hours like that, or that she had fallen asleep in the open. She silently counted to ten in French, then Japanese. It did little to take the edge off her frustrated anger.
Audrey started for the stairs, rightfully assuming Neil would follow. The car was at the curb, hazards flashing. The other three of their group squished into the backseat. Neil was washed with relief that she would still get to sit in the front, despite her fall in favor with Audrey.
"I didn't tell anyone I was going to the library," she said when Audrey drove them back to the road.
"You only have a couple hiding spots," Nicky said. "Coach said you weren't at the stadium. You didn't answer your phone when we called."
Neil patted her pockets and dug her phone out. When she powered it back on, it had a decent half battery. Nicky was expecting some sort of response, though, so Neil gave him a tired shrug.
It was a short drive to the Foxhole Court and Audrey didn't follow them inside. Neil keyed in the code to let them in, and preceded the others into the locker room. Wymack and Abby were waiting for them in the lounge. Abby looked immeasurably sad as she took in Neil's sorry state, but she didn't chastise her for what she had done, or ask her why. Maybe she had gotten satisfactory answers from Wymack already, or maybe Wymack was there to make sure she didn't pry. Neil was grateful either way.
"I can't believe you trusted David to patch you up," Abby said. "The man can barely wash a dish, much less clean stitches."
"Shush, woman," Wymack said. "I was careful with him."
Abby beckoned with both hands for Neil to follow. "Come on, let's take a look at you."
She led the way into her office, and closed the door as soon as she was inside. Climbing onto the bed wasn't quite as painful as the ladder to her loft bed was, and Neil perched on the edge of the thin mattress. Abby collected gauze and antiseptic while Neil tried to get her sweater over her head. It was soft, one of the ones from Allison, so she didn't want to cut it off. She gritted her teeth at the heat that knifed down her shoulders into her back and tried to take shallow breaths through the pain.
Abby helped her with the sleeves, and carefully set the sweater aside. Neil picked a spot on the far wall to look at and sat silently while she worked. She started at the top, gently rubbing fingers through her hair for hidden bumps, then worked her way down. Wymack had just checked Neil yesterday morning, but Abby peeled off all of Neil's bandages, save the one on her cheekbone.
"He told you about my tattoo," Neil said.
"And these," Abby said, then slid her thumbs along the tender skin under her eyes.
"You won't ask?" Neil said.
"I've seen your scars, Neil. I'm not as surprised as I should be to find out they're not the only things you hide. I want to ask, but you told me once already not to pry."
She went back to work, but it was a long time before she finished. When Abby was done with her upper half, she still had to take care of Neil's legs. She thankfully didn't even make a move to remove Neil's boxers. The striped bruises across her thighs, left there by heavy racquets, had her pursing her lips in outrage. There were layers of them, fresher purple ones over fading green and yellow. Neil's knees weren't better off, consequences of falling to them so many times.
"Coach won't let me on the court until you clear me," Neil said. "How soon can you?"
Abby looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language. "You can gear up when you don't look like you were trampled in the derby."
"I'm getting better," Neil said. "Besides, I played in worse shape at Evermore."
"This isn't Evermore. I know the season is important to you, but I won't let you risk your safety and health any further. You need to take it easy for a while. For a week," she said, raising her voice when Neil started to protest. "Next Tuesday, I'll decide whether or not I want to let you play. If you do anything strenuous between now and then, I will bench you for another week. Understand? Use this week to rest, and when you can, leave the bandages off. These need to air."
"A week," Neil echoed. "That isn't fair."
"No," Abby said, and cupped her face in her hands. The lack of callouses rendered them so soft they couldn't be mistaken for anyone else's. "This isn't fair. None of this is."
The pain in her voice killed Neil's argument in her throat. Abby looked her over, tracing her vicious scars and new wounds with a desolate gaze.
"Sometimes I think this job is going to kill me," she finally said. "Seeing what people have done, what people continue to do, to my Foxes. I wish I could protect you, but I'm always too late. All I can do is patch you up afterward and hope for the best. I'm sorry, Neil. We should have been there for you."
"I wouldn't have let you be."
Abby folded her arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She tried to be careful, but it hurt regardless. It wasn't paint that made Neil go still, but uncertainty. The only people who had ever hugged Neil were her teammates, and those were quick squeezes throughout a good game. Her mother had pulled her close before, but it usually was while they were sidestepping a curious eye and she wanted to shield her with her body. She never held her like she was something fragile to be sheltered.
Neil had to push all thoughts of her mother away before she could get too deep. She still had one thing to ask. Abby's embrace was the only thing that made her brave enough.
"Abby," Neil said.
Abby pulled away, brows pinched.
She swallowed past the lump in her throat that tried to choke her, then said, "Will you test me for any STDs?"
Abby shut her eyes for just a moment, then nodded. She turned away to one of the cabinets to collect her supplies. After a mouth swab, Neil was sent with a cup to the bathroom. Coming back to her office, Neil remembered Seth, and was half tempted to repeat his comment. She didn't even need to say it, though, for Abby to get it. Abby shared a smile with Neil, then sent her on her way.
Instead of heading down the hall to the lounge, Neil went out the back door into the court. She couldn't breathe until she was in the inner ring, with her hands crushed against the wall, and then the first real breath she managed almost tore her apart. Neil could feel every wall she had put up to survive at Evermore crumbling around her. She clung to control with her fingertips, knowing she would drown if she let herself go. Her heart felt like molten stone, but every breath soothed the heat a little. Neil willed her shaking fingers to go still and headed back to the locker room.
Wymack and Audrey were missing, but Matt and the girls had shown up in Neil's absence. She didn't want to look at them yet, so she stalled by looking for an open outlet. She found one behind the entertainment center to plug her phone in. Her casual act worked only until she had to sit down. Nothing she did could disguise how carefully she needed to maneuver onto the cushion.
That was where Dan's temper finally snapped.
"That motherfuck–"
She cut off so abruptly Neil had to look at her. Renee had a hand on Dan's shoulder. Renee smiled when Neil looked her way, and said, "We were just debating what to order for lunch. Abby said she'll call it in and pick it up for us so we don't have to wait on delivery. Any suggestions?"
"I'm fine with anything," Neil said.
Allison raked her with a skeptical look. "Can you even chew?"
"He ate last night," Seth said. "Just peanut butter, though."
Neil rolled her eyes. "It was a protein bar with peanut butter on it. I'm not you."
"Just say you can't handle a spoonful of peanut butter like I can."
Matt wrinkled his nose. "No, dude, no one will ever get on your side about that."
"I've seen you eat a spoonful of peanut butter before," Seth said.
"That's not what I said," Matt argued. "You eat peanut butter by the spoonful. I eat one spoonful. Once. Not even daily."
"Do you know how many calories that is?" Kevin asked, abhorred.
"That's disgusting," Allison said, suddenly on Matt's side. Nicky nodded.
Despite herself, that seemed to put Dan into the conversation, since she leaned forward. "How many spoonfuls are you talking?"
Seth flashed her a grin. "Sometimes I eat the whole jar at once."
The upperclassmen groaned. Even Aaron, who had seemingly been ignoring them, looked disgusted. Renee, though, was just smiling. She leaned over to Neil and asked, "Chinese or sandwiches?"
"Either one is fine."
"I'm with Allison on the chewing thing," Nicky said, and gestured at his own face to indicate Neil's bruises. "Noodles and rice are softer than subs. Let's go with Chinese."
Matt got up and went to relay that to Abby. He was on his way back when Wymack and Audrey came into the room, the door banging behind them. With her came an almost tangible wall of tension. Neil had no idea what it was about, but was pleased when Renee's words immediately punctured it.
"Hello, Audrey. I have a Christmas gift for you in my dorm that I want to give you. Don't let me forget."
Audrey said nothing, but acknowledged her with a glance all the same. A pleased smile curved Renee's lips and she gave a slight nod, acknowledging and accepting whatever she saw in Audrey's heavy stare. That two-second exchange between both of them was the entirety of their reunion; Audrey turned her attention back to Neil as soon as Renee had looked her fill.
Abby walked in a moment later, then hesitated with her purse half-slung over her shoulder. She looked from Neil, checking her over, to the rest of her Foxes. She finally nodded. "The food should be ready by the time I get there. I'll be right back, okay? Everyone try to behave while I'm gone."
Abby flicked one last look around, then left. The door had barely shut behind her before Wymack was speaking.
"Our first round, round one: southeast versus southwest." Wymack picked up his clipboard and skimmed the top page. "Odd-ranked teams play on Thursdays this year, so we've got Fridays. January 12th, we're away against University of Texas. Good news is that Austin's just outside the thousand-mile range, which means the board's going to let us fly there.
"The 19th, we're home for a rematch against Belmonte. January 26th, we're away against Arkansas. It's two out of three to proceed to the death matches. Belmonte is fourth-ranked, but you remember what they were like last fall. SUA is also fourth-ranked. UT is second-ranked, and they have been second in their region for the past five years. All three of these teams have been in spring championships before with varying results. They know what they're doing. They know what it takes to qualify. We are the weak link. That doesn't mean we're going to break. It just means we have to work twice as hard to keep up. If you're all willing to do that, we have a fighting chance."
He unhooked a stack of papers and waggled them at Matt. Matt got up and passed them out. Wymack had put together round-one packets for them. The first page was UT's fall schedule, complete with results. Notes at the bottom detailed UT's last seven attempts at spring championships. For three years, they'd made it as far as the third found before getting knocked out. Neil flipped the page and skimmed the team roster. The next four pages followed the same pattern for Belmonte and SUA.
"Monday, we'll break down their playing style in depth and pin down strategies," Wymack said. "By then, I'll also have copies of their fall games burned onto discs. Watch them in your free time if you're curious, With one exception, I'm not taking time out of practices to show you more than a couple highlights.
"There's a week break between round one and the first set of death matches," Wymack continued. "Bad news is, we won't know who we're up against until February. Good news: this year, the big three are all in the odds bracket. They have to face each other in the third round. For the first time in six years, one of them is getting knocked out before semifinals."
"Oh, damn," Dan said, startled. "That's lucky."
"My money's on Penn dropping," Nicky said.
"Don't," Kevin said before the others could place bets. "It doesn't matter which one is eliminated; we are nowhere near ready to face any of them. How long is Neil benched?"
"A week." Neil said. Resentment bubbled up, but after what Abby was doing for her, she couldn't really be mad.
Wymack nodded. "When you're sporting fewer than fifty stitches, I'll consider letting you on my court again. If I catch you so much as looking at your gear before then, I will bench you another week out of spite. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Coach," Neil grumbled.
"Good. Morning practices are at the gym again. Neil, until you're back on the court, you'll be meeting me here instead. I'll put you to work watching tapes and researching UT's defense. Tomorrow afternoon, we're doing semester meet-and-greets with Betsy. You know the routine: you can't go with someone who plays the same position. Dan will figure out the pairs and give you an allotted time during morning practice. Right?"
"On it," Dan said,
"Last order of official business from me is damage control," Wymack said. "We've got everyone's attention. A fierce season and ample tragedies means we're the talk of the town, and this year, people might actually root for the underdog. The board wants us to encourage that fervor with more publicity. Expect more cameras at games, more interviews, and more nosiness in general. If I could ban some of you from ever opening your mouth in public, I would, but this is out of my hands. Attempt to behave yourself without sacrificing your confident image. Think you can do that?"
"You're no fun, Coach," Nicky said.
"I will be a lot less fun if you make us look like fools," Wymack said. "But I'm not as worried about you as I am about our resident punching bag and his smart mouth. Anyone have ideas on how to make Neil look a bit less like a battered wife?"
"It's under control," Allison said, and looked to Neil. "You'll come to our room after the meeting."
"I have to buy my textbooks today," Neil said. Lamely.
"Do it after I'm done with you, unless you want to go out looking like that."
"We promise not to ask about Christmas," Renee said. Either she didn't see the annoyed look Allison shot her for killing their chance at getting good gossip, or she chose not to acknowledge it. "It'll only be a couple minutes, I think."
Neil didn't trust Allison not to pry, but she trusted Renee. "Okay."
"I need to get my stuff, too," Nicky said. "We can go when they're done with you."
Wymack nodded and surveyed his team. "Anyone got anything official to add?"
"We're going to need a shelf, or something in here to put our championship trophy on," Dan said. "Can we rearrange again?"
Neil realized that at her words, she was smiling.
"Board won't sign off on a purchase like that until we've at least made it through the second death match," Wymack said. "Nice try, though."
"Who needs the board's permission?" Allison rolled her eyes. "I'm going to buy it, because the board is too stingy anyway. We deserve something obscenely expensive. Matt, measure the bed of your truck. I need to know what I can fit before I start looking for the right piece."
"Oh, to be young and filthy rich," Nicky said. "Must be nice."
Allison considered her manicure with lofty boredom. "It is."
Nicky rolled his eyes, but didn't push it. Neil was sidetracked by the glint of metal. She tensed up, but saw it was only Audrey. She was playing with a knife in her hands. It wasn't one of the knives from her armbands, Neil noticed, but since it was a bit dull, that was probably a good thing.
"Anything else?" Wymack asked. The sound of the main door opening heralded Abby's return, and Wymack shook his head. "Never mind. Food's here. Stuff your faces, then get out of my stadium. I'll be going over paperwork and scheduling if anyone needs me."
He hopped off his perch and vanished into his office. Abby covered the coffee table with food containers and passed out paper plates. She offered her own quiet but warm welcome to the Foxes, then left. Neil was too distracted by the spinning blade to do much more than glance at Abby on her way out.
The others were moving about and filling plates when Audrey softly said, "It's not that fascinating."
"No," Neil agreed.
She didn't know how to explain the complicated emotions a sharp blade stirred up. Her father was called the Butcher for a reason. Though his favorite weapon was his cleaver, and before that his axe, Neil had only seen both a few times.
"It's just," Neil said, grasping for words. She was all too aware that though conversations were happening with everyone else, they had quieted, trying to listen in without being obvious. Neil settled on the vaguest explanation she could, and hoped the pronoun would make assumptions on its own. "I've never understood why he liked knives."
Such simple words should not have gotten the reaction they did. Sure, she had kept them quiet, but Audrey went still and looked up. She wasn't looking at Neil, though, she was focused on Renee. She had stopped mid-sentence to stare at Neil. Her studying wasn't her usual for Renee, with a sweet smile, but this wasn't that. The too-blank look on her face reminded Neil of Audrey. Neil instinctively tensed, but Renee just shifted her inscrutable gaze to Audrey.
They stared each other down, soundless and still, oblivious to the bewildered looks their teammates sent between them. Audrey didn't say anything, but Renee lifted her chin. Audrey hummed in response, then put the knife away.
"He will lose his taste when he has one in his gut," Audrey said.
Neil looked at Renee again in time to see that the other-Renee vanished. A calm mask melted away the death on her face, and Renee finished dishing and picked up right where she left off. She didn't acknowledge what had just happened, just pushed her friends to rejoin the conversation.
Lunch, after that, was a quiet affair. Neil unplugged her phone on the way out and Audrey wouldn't let her into the car until it was powered on. The team took two cars back to Fox Tower, and Neil followed the girls into their room. With Renee hovering over the makeup application, Allison kept the prying to a minimum. It was only a few minutes before Neil pushed out of the girls' dorm and left. She pulled the door closed behind her and lingered in the hallway. She was tired and sore and not at all looking forward to her week off the court, but for just one moment, none of that mattered.
"We're okay," she mumbled to the empty hall. "We're going to be okay."
The Foxes would be okay at least, and that was more than enough.
Notes:
finally a universe where andrew doesn't know who proust is
Chapter 18: nathalie
Chapter Text
Neil would have felt jilted from being banned from the gym on Thursday, but the UT game was surprisingly entertaining. She had picked apart matches before, but never to this extent. She convened with Wymack, who had watched a different game in his office, and compared notes, then she was sent on her way. Audrey and her lot drove to the stadium together after the blur of classes.
Audrey and Kevin had the first slot with Betsy, and so Aaron and Nicky piled into the bed of Matt's truck with Renee and Seth. Neil couldn't climb that high without breaking stitches, and that seemed to dawn on Allison at the same time, so she stuffed Neil into her pink convertible as soon as she was within grabbing distance. Allison talked only to complain about her classes, and when Neil thanked her as she got out, she only got a bemused look in response.
Afternoon practice was as awful as she expected it would be. She took the disc Wymack offered her, but stood lost in the hallway while her teammates changed out. She watched them head into the stadium for warm-ups and had to fight not to follow. Sitting down on the couch took every ounce of self-control that she had, and she hoped the game would distract her. It only worked until the Foxes came back into the locker room to strap on their gear. Neil lost track of time and stared through the wall instead.
"Focus," Wymack said from somewhere behind her.
"I am," Neil lied.
"They just scored an impossible goal, and you didn't even twitch."
"I should be on court."
"You will be," Wymack said. "Next week, when you're more healed. It won't kill you to sit out a couple days. It might kill you if you pull something and injure yourself beyond repair. I will definitely kill you if you eliminate us just because you're impatient. Look at it like this if you have to: your teammates are playing catch-up right now. You got two weeks of practice in over the holidays while they were goofing off and stuffing their faces. You're ahead of the curve."
"Kevin practiced. He said they stayed near a court and forced Audrey to take him there."
"That's one out of eight."
"They can afford to take time off. They're all better than I am, and they have subs."
"They're more experienced and they have different strengths than you do, but you're a hundred times better now than you were in May," Wymack said. "Don't sell yourself short. Now focus. I'm going to need some good notes when you leave today."
Neil picked her pencil up in a silent acquiescence, and Wymack left.
She was halfway through the second game when it was time to head to Reddin. This time, she was going third and was paired off with Aaron. Neil drove Audrey's car, keys silently handed to her by Kevin, and somehow she resisted asking how long it'd been since anyone let Aaron ride passenger. There was nothing yet to gain from antagonizing him.
After they quickly found a parking spot, they checked in, and before Neil could ask which one should go first, Aaron continued to Betsy's office just out of sight. Neil sank onto one of the thick chairs in the waiting room and skimmed through her missed messages. Most were from Nicky, but she was more focused on the singular text from Kevin, which was a simple reminder about Jean.
Neil had sorely disliked Jean for the first several days, and Kevin's verbal and texted warning wouldn't have changed that. Neil hadn't believed she could trust anyone, but time after time, Jean went against that. He was privy to the ugly truth about the Moriyamas, as he'd been sold too. Jean hated his lot in life, but he was past the point where he could even think of fighting back. He wasn't a rebel; he was a survivor. He did whatever it took to get through the day.
Oftentimes, that meant looking after Neil. Jean stood unflinching guard while Riko tore Neil apart again and again and again, but he was always there to pull Neil back to her feet afterward. They were each other's partners on the Raven court. They shared successes and failures. He was a questionable ally at best, but he was the only one who had looked out for Neil. It was selfishness, not kindness, but it was the thing to keep Neil alive anyway.
Jean was still there, though. Neil had made it out, and so had Kevin. Neil wondered what it cost him to watch them both leave: if he thought them fools, or if a quiet part of him was jealous that they had a way out. Neil wondered if Jean cared at all, since it was smarter not to. If Jean wasn't willing to fight back, if he had nothing to fight for, there was nothing anyone could do for him.
The click of a door distracted her from her thoughts. Neil glanced at the time and closed her messages. Reluctance more than pain made her slow to get up when Aaron returned. Betsy followed Aaron to the entryway and greeted Neil with a warm smile.
"Hello, Neil."
She followed her down the hall to her office, then went past her to enter it first. The room looked the same as it had in August. She sat on the couch and watched Betsy close the door behind them. Betsy took a moment to mix some hot cocoa, and looked over at her.
"I have some hot tea, if you would like. I know you don't like sweets."
"Thanks."
Betsy sat opposite her. "It's been a while. How have you been doing?"
"The Foxes made spring championships, and even with Seth back, I'm still starting striker. I don't have any complaints yet."
"Congratulations on qualifying, by the way," Betsy said. "I confess, I don't understand much about sports, but you have very talented players on your team, and your comeback last year was nothing short of brilliant. I think you're going to have an amazing run. Texas is a little far for me to travel, but I'll cheer you on from the home game against Belmonte. Are you ready?"
Neil paused, chewing on her lip. She knew the answer, of course, but wondered why Betsy was letting her talk about Exy. She glanced up, scanning the psychiatrist's face, and found nothing revealing. Since she had been given her invitation, though, Neil spent the next half hour with Betsy discussing Exy, and Neil's thoughts on the upcoming season. That seemed to satisfy the woman enough, who would respond and let Neil explain things she didn't have a grasp on. Even as Betsy escorted her back to the waiting room, Neil couldn't be sure that Betsy was simply pretending not to understand for Neil's sake. She didn't mind either way.
Neil met Aaron in the waiting room, and headed to the car. They were halfway to the stadium before Aaron spoke up.
"I didn't tell her."
They were the only two in the car, but Neil still took a moment to realize she was being addressed. She glanced over at Aaron, but Aaron was gazing out the passenger window. She didn't quite know what Aaron was referring to, but felt safe enough in answering.
"Netiher did I," Neil said, since she didn't. "I only talked about Exy."
"She doesn't ask me anything anymore at all," Aaron said. "She knows there's no point. I won't respond unless it's necessary."
"Necessary for what?"
Aaron frowned at her. "For her to keep signing off on hormones."
"Hormones for what?"
"You don't take them? They're included for you as an athlete, as long as Dobson signs off on them."
Neil shook her head. "What hormones?"
He looked at her for a beat too long, then said, "You're transgender, right?"
Neil was confused enough that she barely could shut her mouth, and then she remembered to shake her head again.
"It's fine that you are," Aaron said, and rolled his eyes. "Jesus, I won't tell anyone, but it's pretty clear if you know what you're looking for."
She paused. For some reason, she didn't want to lie, but there was no way she was telling Aaron the truth, so she just said, "I'm not."
"I heard you," Aaron said, like she was stupid. "I heard you at the club. At Eden's. Right before we got Nicky off of you, I heard you. You said you weren't a man. Were you just lying to try and get him to stop?"
Neil blinked. "I thought it was Audrey who pulled him off."
"It was both of us." When Neil still didn't say anything, Aaron scoffed and waved his hand. "Lie about it all you want, but now you know, I guess. Ask Abby if you want to start taking hormones, and then you have to have an appointment with Dobson so she can approve you, or whatever. Come on, take us back. We have practice."
They drove back to the stadium in silence. She went back to her spot on the couch and Aaron went back to the locker room to get back into his court gear. Neil tried not to resent his good health, and almost succeeded. The UT match was a good distraction from unwarranted irritation and the confusing mix of Aaron's words, but Neil lost track of the game when Renee and Allison passed through a couple minutes later. Neil watched their progress across the room, thought twice about it, then paused the game.
"Renee?"
They both stopped, but Allison didn't stick around for long. When she left, Renee came to sit by Neil, close enough to offer silent comfort but far enough Neil could breathe.
"What did I say yesterday?" Neil asked. "Why did you react like that?"
It didn't take her long to remember. "About the knives, you mean." When Neil nodded, she turned her hands over and considered her palms. "You remember I told you I used to be in a gang? There was a man there who went out of his way to hurt me. He liked knives, and kept half a dozen on him at all times. I couldn't defend myself by normal means, so I learned to fight with knives, too. I practiced for a year before I finally bested him."
They sat in silence while Renee seemed to contemplate her own words before repeating, "Bested. He didn't survive the fight. Boss helped stage the body so we could pin it on a rival gang, and I was promoted. I kept the knives through my trial and my adoption. I wanted to remember what darkness I'm capable of– and what darkness I'm capable of surviving."
"You did what you had to do," Neil said. "If he lived, he would have come back for you."
"I know," Renee said, soft. "There were other kids before I caught his eye, and I knew there would be others after I left. I didn't do it for the greater good, though. I did it because he wronged me personally, and I didn't want to be afraid of him anymore. I regret what it did to me more than I regret the necessity of his death. I felt no horror when I watched him die. I was proud of what I'd done to him.
"I told Audrey what I did," Renee said. "When she propositioned me, I turned her down but I wanted to give her a better explanation. When I did, the next day while I was at class, she broke into my room and took my knives. When I asked for them back, she said I was lying to myself. If I wanted to remember, I wouldn't hide the knives in my closet like a shameful secret I couldn't revisit or let go of. They weren't doing me any good, so she said she would carry them until I needed them again.
"I let her have them because I trusted her not to use them," Renee said. "I thought she understood what they were supposed to be: not weapons anymore, but a symbol of what we've overcome. I didn't ask her for her reasons. I knew she would tell me if she wanted me to know."
The obvious answer was Drake, but it didn't add up quite right. Neil turned it over, working her way through it. She still didn't understand, but neither Renee nor herself obviously had the answers.
"So those knives she brings everywhere are yours?" Neil asked.
"They were mine," Renee said. "She was right; I don't need them anymore. If you need them, she will give them to you. I taught Audrey how to use them, and if you would like, I can keep practicing with you. We both know you're better than I am," she said, and smiled in a way that was nothing but genuine. "But we both know it might be good to keep that skill up."
Neil studied her, and knew she meant it. She'd put her faith in mankind and her Christian piety on hold to practice with Neil, if she asked her to. Neil was starting to understand why Audrey liked her so much. She was crazy enough to be interesting.
"Thank you," Neil said, then shook her head. "But no. I don't want to be like– him. I only fought you so Audrey would know I could handle myself."
"Of course," Renee agreed. She waited a moment to see if anything else was forthcoming, then got to her feet. "I shouldn't keep Allison waiting, but if you want to talk more later, you know where to find me."
"Okay," Neil said.
Without Renee, there was nothing stopping her from the noises coming from the court. She stayed where she was until the door closed behind Renee. She looked from her notepad to the paused game, then set her things aside and slowly pushed to her feet. The sound of the ball popping off the wall immediately greeted her as she stepped through the back door and she followed the path to the inner court. Wymack was standing near the home bench, watching his players scrimmage and taking notes. He had his back to Neil, and the noise filtering through the court vents helped hide the soft pat of Neil's footsteps. Neil hung back a safe distance and watched her teammates.
They looked so small when they were down three players, but they played with the ferocity of a larger team. Seth, Dan, and Kevin were grouped up on offense against the three backliners, and despite being outnumbered, they put up a tireless fight. However, it only took a couple shots on goal for Neil to realize what Audrey was doing. Every time someone on offense would shoot, Audrey would deflect, but then she would send the ball right back to their feet.
When Audrey missed Dan only because she stumbled out of the way in time, Wymack swore and put his things down. As he twisted, he spotted Neil, and he hesitated with his clipboard halfway to the bench. Neil expected marching orders to go back to the UT game. Instead, Wymack snapped his fingers at Neil and jerked his thumb towards the court door.
"Tell your pet psycho to knock it off before she cripples someone."
"I don't think she'll listen to me."
"You and I both know she will. Now get."
Wymack pounded on the wall, calling a pause to the scrimmage as Neil headed for the door. Neil let herself onto the court and headed for the goal. Audrey slung her racquet across her shoulders at Neil's approach. Neil knew better than to call her out with an audience, so she stopped as close to Audrey as she could and kept her voice down.
"Coach wants to know what you have against the offense line."
Audrey slid a look past Neil to the court wall. "He can ask me himself."
"Or you can answer me, since I'm already here," Neil said. "This kind of playing goes strictly against your promise to me. You know that."
Neil waited a beat, but of course, that wasn't enough to get a reaction. Audrey looked bored of the conversation already. Neil put a hand up in front of Audrey's face, neatly blocking her view of Wymack, and waited until Audrey looked at her again.
"I want us to get to finals. I want us to be the ones who finally bring the Ravens down. After everything Riko's done to us, don't you want that too?"
"You say want so freely," Audrey said, "when I have told you a thousand times before that I want nothing."
"Probably because you're spending all that energy on not wanting anything," Neil shot back. "But if you can grasp that simple concept, I'll put this in terms you do understand: this is a game we cannot afford to lose. This is how we get to Riko. This is the only thing we can take away from him that will actually hurt. Let's rip his rank out of his hands and show him he had a reason to fear us all along."
"Do your teammates think you're still the quiet one?" Audrey asked.
"Our teammates," Neil said, with emphasis, "want this just as much as I do. Stop cutting them off at the knees before they have the chance to try."
"I don't believe in giving people chances."
"Then what have you been doing for me? Because if I look back, you have been giving me nothing but chances to prove myself to you, over and over."
"Those aren't chances. Those are tests."
"You have to give me a chance in the first place to be able to test me."
"Then what will you give me in exchange for my cooperation?" Audrey asked.
"Because revenge isn't good enough? Neil asked. "What would it take?"
Audrey didn't have to think about it. "Show me your scars."
It wasn't what Neil was expecting, which is probably why Audrey asked for it. Neil opened her mouth to protest, but the words died in her throat. Wymack and Abby had already seen them, and the Foxes knew they were there. Audrey did too. She had put her hand to her ruined skin what felt like forever ago to earn her trust. But no, it wasn't the scars that were the issue. It wasn't the idea of the scars that had her pulse jumping in her throat.
"I can't," Neil said. "Not yet, at least."
"Why are you still running, rabbit?"
Neil shook her head. "There are more secrets you'll need before I can give you my scars."
"And what are they?"
"My father. His name first. Take that today as a downpayment for my scars another time. You can have them, just not now. Only one more secret stands in your way."
Audrey's hand stilled. Neil hadn't realized she had been drumming her fingers along the racquet until it stopped. "Then what was his name?"
Neil had told her, but still felt all air drain from the room. Audrey's eyes slid to meet Neil's, and when she didn't answer fast enough, "Your father. What was his name?"
It knocked the breath out of her. Neil had volunteered that information willingly, yet she didn't want to answer, didn't want that name out in the air between them. Neil didn't have the right to refuse. Instead, she simply looked at the Foxes, made sure they were all still out of earshot, and stepped closer to Audrey anyway.
"Nathan. His name was Nathan."
Audrey considered her a minute longer, then finally, raised a single brow. "Mary and Nathan."
In a stroke of pure insanity, Neil said, "Mary Hatford and Nathan Wesninski. I'm named after him."
"Never heard of them. Don't worry, I'll get that last secret out of you soon," were the last words Audrey said before shooing Neil off the court.
The Foxes waited until the door was shut and locked before resuming play. The next time Kevin managed a shot on goal, Audrey cleared it all the way down the court. Neil had the feeling the Foxes would regret her intervention soon enough. This was definitely safer, but now Dan, Seth, and Kevin had to chase the ball every time Audrey deflected it.
Neil went back to Wymack's side and when Neil said nothing, Wymack huffed at her. "This is above my paygrade, but just promise me this isn't going to be a problem."
"What?" Neil asked.
"I can't tell if you're being obtuse to fuck with me, or if you're really that dumb," Wymack said. When Neil just stared blankly at her, Wymack rubbed his temples as if warding off a headache. "I would pity you, but Audrey's right. I don't get paid enough to get involved in this. Figure it out yourself on your own time. You're supposed to be studying UT right now."
Wymack plucked up his clipboard and started scribbling notes. Neil looked from him to the court.
"Goodbye," Wymack said.
Neil swallowed her questions and headed back to the locker room.
She didn't see Audrey nor any of the cousins until Nicky knocked on their dorm's door that night. Seth answered it with a lackluster, "What do you want?"
Neil had noticed that the edge Seth had treated Nicky and the rest of Audrey's group had dulled, but that was almost civil. She wasn't sure if it had more to do with his promise to Neil about the team, or if there was something else that she had missed.
Nicky looked past Seth to Neil, and smiled at her. "We're going to Eden's. Want to come?"
Neil shook her head. "I'm going out to dinner with the upperclassmen, but thanks."
"If you're sure," Nicky shrugged, and left it at that.
Dinner with the upperclassmen, however, turned into one tipsy affair after there was a deal on drinks at the restaurant. Allison, who had pushed driving duties of her pink convertible to Neil and sat in the back with Renee and Seth, forced them to stop at the grocery store just off campus. Twenty minutes later, they were all piled into the girls' room with Matt and Dan making brownies.
They were gone within ten minutes of being pulled out of the oven, except for the small plate of them that Neil had been given, and decided to save. Even with the cracked window, the smell of brownies was thick in the air as Dan spun Allison around in what couldn't have been a waltz, but Neil didn't have words for otherwise, and let herself be pulled into the dancing fray by Matt, while Renee paired with Seth.
Before the cousins returned on Saturday, Neil broke into their dorm and left her paper plate of brownies in their fridge.
On Monday, Kevin started up night practices again, but refused to take Neil along. On Tuesday afternoon, Abby reported that all of Neil's tests came up negative, and that he was good to return to the court, so long as she didn't get too rough in the scrimmages. Neil barely stuck around long enough to hear the okay before she was going for her gear.
The Foxes were already on the court, since Abby had shown up almost two hours late to practice, but Dan called a half to drills as soon as Neil thumbed on the door. She and Matt greeted Neil's arrival on the court with triumphant whoops. Nicky clacked sticks with her on her way past, and Seth gave her helmet a congratulatory smack.
"If you can't play, don't," Kevin said.
"I know," Neil said. "If anything pulls, I'll step off the court."
Kevin gave her a suspicious look, but didn't argue.
It did hurt, almost immediately, but it was a relief to work out on her sore muscles. Neil kept an easy pace because Abby and Wymack were watching her form the sidelines. When she had to finally stop and stretch, she feared they'd pull her. They didn't, so she went back to the game with a vengeance. Afterward, Wymack sat them all down in the locker room to go over the day's high and low points.
When he was done, he looked at Neil and said, "Well?"
"I'm fine," she said. She leaned a little away from Kevin's death stare and said, "If I wasn't sore right now, I would be worried, but it's not enough to be a problem. I can pass off the wall if overhand shots start pulling too hard on my stitches."
"Was that really so difficult to say the first time around?" Dan asked wryly.
"I did say it the first time around," Neil said. "I'm fine."
"The word you're looking for is hopeless, or obsessed," Nicky said, grinning.
"All right," Wymack said. "Neil, you're at the gym tomorrow. Go easy for a few days, would you? Adapt the circuit as needed and just let me know what doesn't work. Injure yourself here, not there. That's it for today, then. Pack up and move out."
They washed up and headed back to the dorm. Matt nudged her as they walked out together, with Dan and Seth close behind. "How did you get Audrey to stop tripping us up at practice the other day?"
Neil whittled it down to the barest, easiest truth. "I asked."
"You asked," Matt said. It almost sounded like an accusation. "You said that about Halloween and Nicky's parents. Seriously, Neil. How do you keep talking her into doing things she obviously doesn't want to do? Is it bribery or blackmail?"
Dan flicked Matt an indecipherable look and said, "No pressure, Neil. No bullshit, but can you bring them back to us?"
"I don't know," Neil admitted. "I can try, but the problem now is Aaron. Nicky wants to be your friend and Kevin knows the team is stronger as a whole, but Aaron's almost as dead-set against us as Audrey is. That doesn't make sense, because siding with Audrey means hiding Katelyn. If Aaron is willing to do that without a fight, it isn't just Audrey's decision. It goes back to the two of them."
Dan looked thoughtful. "Katelyn has to know something. No self-respecting girl would put up with this unless there was a really good reason. If she won't talk, you think you can wrestle something out of Aaron, Matt? You said he's been better since Christmas, right?"
"It's worth a shot," Matt said. "Coach give you your tutor schedule yet?"
"It's somewhere on my desk," Dan said. "As soon as I unearth it, I'll text his hours to you."
"Alright. I'll see if I can't hunt him down there."
"Can you try Katelyn first, Neil?" Dan asked. "I don't want Aaron telling her we're getting nosy before we can talk to her, and you're our best chance. You guys are friends."
Neil grimaced. "I'll ask, but I don't know what she'll tell me."
That was seemingly enough for Dan, though. They dropped the conversation in exchange for dinner in the girls room and discussion of what movie they were going to watch. Whatever they picked was probably the worst one Neil had seen, but she thankfully got to skip the last half for night practice.
Audrey followed them into the lounge, but stopped there to sprawl on the couch. Neil changed out, then came back to peer down at Audrey. Audrey had one arm folded under her head and the other draped over her eyes to block the light.
"One of these days you might as well practice with us," Neil said. She wasn't surprised when Audrey didn't answer, but refused to give up that easily. "Why did you even start playing if you weren't willing to practice?"
"It was a bigger cage than the alternative."
Neil thought on that for just a moment. She didn't blame Audrey for thinking the court was a better place to be than a cell, but she doubted Exy was the only sport the facility offered. Audrey chose Exy for a reason. Neil would assume the aggressive nature of the game appealed to her, but Audrey was a goalkeeper. She got very few opportunities to indulge in mindless violence. She said as much to Audrey, and got a faint shrug in response.
"The warden assigned it to me. I couldn't play otherwise."
"They thought you'd hurt someone if you were loose on the court?" Neil asked. Audrey didn't answer, but the lack of it didn't feel like a response the way it usually did. She tried imagining Audrey in any other position, but couldn't see it. "I think it's better this way, with you as the last line of defense. You let us run ourselves into the ground and clean up behind us. You play the game like you play life. That's why you're good at it."
Neil looked up when a door opened down the hall. Kevin came in search of her, already changed into his gear, and looking annoyed by the delay. He stopped short when he realized they were talking.
"I'm coming," Neil said, before Kevin could speak, but didn't straighten.
Kevin held up a finger in a one-minute warning and left. Neil listened for the back door to close before looking at Audrey again.
"I'm not a striker by choice, either," she said. "I was a backliner in little leagues. Riko remembers, because I scrimmaged with him and Kevin. He made me play defense with his Ravens over Christmas."
That finally got Audrey to lower her arm. "Little leagues. I distinctly remember you telling people you learned to play in Millport."
"Partial truth. I knew how to play Exy. I just didn't know how to play offense. I didn't want to be a striker, but the defense line was full. It was a striker or nothing, and I wanted to play too badly to walk away. Now I can't imagine playing anything else."
Audrey said nothing for a while, then, "You're more a raccoon than a fox."
Neil stared. "What?"
"A raccoon," she said, then mimed holding a ball in front of her face. "Exy is the shiny object of your sad little world. You know you're being hunted and you know the hounds are closing in, but you won't let go to save yourself. You once told me you don't understand why a person would actively try to die, but here you are. I guess that was another lie."
"I'm not trying to die," Neil said. "This is how I stay alive. When I'm playing, I feel like I have the power to change things. I feel like I have control over something. I feel like I have the power to change things. I feel more real out there than I do anywhere else. The court doesn't care what my name is or where I'm from, or where I'll be tomorrow. It lets me exist as I am."
"It is a court," Audrey said. "It does not let you do anything."
"You know what I mean."
"I don't."
"Because you don't have anything, do you?" Neil asked in quiet challenge. "Nothing gets to you like that. Nothing gets under your skin."
"He catches on at last," Audrey mused. "It only took a year."
"What are you afraid of?"
"Heights."
"Audrey."
"If you make Kevin come looking for you, you will regret it."
Neil pushed away from the couch without another word. She tugged on her armor with more force than necessary, but she was still humming with something when she stopped onto the court. Getting scolded for tardiness didn't help her mood. Neil almost reminded Kevin that there was no mandatory schedule for night practice, but there was no point. They were there because they had work to do, she knew, so she let herself sink into the motions.
That lethargic peace lasted up until Neil left the shower and found Kevin sitting on a bench in the changing room. The stern look on his face said he wasn't waiting out of courtesy.
"Did you fix it?" Kevin asked. When Neil said nothing, he continued, "Don't act like an imbecile. If you are here, I expect you to be here. The second your problems with Audrey interfere with our game, they become our problems. Do you want us to win or don't you?"
"Don't lecture me like I don't know what's at stake."
"You told me to focus on the team," Kevin said. "That's what I am doing: ensuring you don't jeopardize its success."
"I wasn't jeopardizing anything. I was two minutes late because I asked Audrey to come practice with us."
"You were five, and don't ask her again. We do not need her there as a favor to us. She has to come of her own free will, or it doesn't mean anything." Kevin got up and motioned sharply for Neil to follow. "We're leaving."
They collected Audrey from the lounge on their way out, and split up in the hallway. Matt was already asleep, but Seth was working at the desk and nodded at her when she came in. Neil changed in the bathroom, brushed her teeth, then forced herself to sleep. It felt like she had just closed her eyes when her alarm went off, so she rolled over to turn it off and almost groaned at how sore she was. She would have to scale it back at practice, or Wymack would ream her out.
Wymack wasn't her concern, though. She prepared what she was going to say to Katelyn all the way through morning practice at the gym, and then through her classes. When she finally met Katelyn at their spot in the library, she didn't bother pulling out her Japanese textbook, nor her assignment. Katelyn just blinked at her, obviously waiting.
"What kind of deal does Aaron have with Audrey?"
Katelyn immediately grimaced, and closed her textbook. Neil resisted the urge to lean forward, but only barely.
"They made a promise before Audrey got out of juvie. Audrey would come to South Carolina and they would stick together. No friends, no girlfriends, no boyfriends, nothing. Aaron couldn't even socialize with their teammates. He said Audrey takes it way too seriously. She's done some seriously fucked up things to Aaron's exes. It's not like I'm exactly safe either, but the only thing saving me is that Aaron keeps hiding whatever might be between us. She's crazy enough to hurt me, even though she knows I'm important to Aaron."
"Audrey knows what you have going on, she's just ignoring it," Neil dismissed. "But it's got to be more than that."
"I know they renewed it to come here. Aaron said that's why they did what they did to Matt. Audrey said he was a threat to Aaron's sobriety. It was for high school graduation, but now it goes all the way to college graduation."
"But Aaron isn't fighting for you."
"He doesn't want me to get hurt."
Neil shook her head, and chewed on her bottom lip. Aaron hadn't tried to fight at all, really. He was just hiding Katelyn. Was it because he was too afraid to stand up to his sister, or did he really think he had more to gain by playing along? What could have been in that promise? More importantly, why did Audrey agree to extend the deal? Was she still punishing Aaron for siding with their mother, or did she think enough time would make a difference? The latter seemed far-fetched, but Neil was inclined to believe it.
The scene in the Hemmick living room flashed in her mind in alarming clarity. Even as a concussed mess, the only thing that mattered to Audrey was Aaron. Her own trauma and bleeding wound was inconsequential; she'd only cared about the blood spattered across Aaron's skin.
Audrey and Aaron had done this to each other, and they were locked in a stalemate.
They were unwilling to reach out and unable to let go. November should have been the catalyst, but Audrey had barricaded herself away from everyone lest her secrets be revealed, and they had recovered from the attack separately. Neil had only been back a little more than a week, but she was positive the two hadn't talked about that night yet, same as they had never talked through the reasons behind Tilda Minyard's death.
Aaron would ignore Neil if she brought it up, surely.
Was Neil's secret enough to talk Audrey into reaching out to Aaron?
Kevin wouldn't get involved, and Audrey would just brush Nicky off if he tried. Wymack had promised to stay out of their personal problems. Renee might hold Audrey's attention long enough to plant a thought towards reconciliation, but Aaron had absolutely no interest in anything Renee had to say.
"Aaron needs some help," Neil finally settled on. "I'm just trying to get him some."
"I'm always willing to listen to him, and I want to do everything I can to help, but he doesn't hear me. He doesn't ever want me too involved. He says they're not my problems or my responsibility because he won't let me be his girlfriend."
"He needs to talk to Audrey."
"He won't."
She knew, at least, that truth. She knew that the twins could barely stand the sight of each other on a good day.
"He has to." Neil said. "They need each other. They just don't know how to take the first step."
"Do you even know what the first step is?"
"I think so. Is there anything else in their deal that you haven't mentioned?" Neil asked Katelyn.
The cheerleader seemingly thought about it, then finally quieted. "You can't tell anyone."
"Alright," Neil agreed, though she didn't know if it was a lie.
Katelyn gave a hasty look around, then leaned close to Neil. "Aaron said Audrey killed their mom over it. The car accident wasn't an accident. Audrey was pretending to be Aaron while he was covering for her at some homework thing. It's not just a deal to Audrey. She's crazy about it."
If she was expecting shock from Neil, she didn't get it. Neil just spoke slowly, choosing her words carefully. She didn't want to scare off Katelyn, but everyone seemed almost blind to Audrey besides the cruel box they shoved her in, and it quickly became frustrating.
"Aaron made a promise. Whatever it was, Audrey made him keep it. It doesn't matter if it made sense to you or to Aaron; Audrey will make him keep it as long as she does. It's not as crazy as it sounds."
"Neil," Katelyn said, and she sounded almost shocked. "It's murder."
Neil shook her head. "Some people deserve to die."
"But that was his mom. It was the only parent Aaron had left."
Neil rubbed her sticky hands on the sides of her pants. "Even if it mattered to Aaron, it never did to Audrey. There's no point in trying to make her see something she won't, but they need to get past that, even if they don't agree. That's where you come in."
Katelyn paused to study and search her face for a minute, then said, "Why?"
"Why you?" Neil asked for clarification.
"Why you?" Katelyn corrected. "Aaron isn't…"
She was probably too nice to say it, but Neil had no problems filling in the blanks. "Aaron and I get along when we have to and avoid each other when we can't. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm doing this for his sake. I don't care if he's okay in the long run. I'm here until May, and I only care about the team. We can't win without them. Does it really matter why I'm doing it as long as everyone walks away happy in the end?"
"It matters to me," Katelyn said. "I love him."
Neil blinked at that, but quickly recovered. "So help me help him.
She pressed her lips to a thin line as she debated. "I'm listening."
"I have a plan, I think. I'll have to call and make sure, but it should work. I think I can talk Audrey into it, but I want you to convince Aaron to go along with it. Do you think you can?"
"If you can convince Audrey, then I'll convince Aaron." She stared at her again, and Neil let her. "Do you really think you can?"
"I have to," Neil said.
"But how?" Katelyn pressed. "I'm asking honestly, because I don't know how to talk Aaron into it. He wouldn't listen to me the last time I told him to get help."
"Don't make this about him," Neil said. "Make this about you. You can fix this right here, right now. Stop being collateral damage and make him fight for you."
"I don't think I can use our relationship against him. It isn't fair."
"But this is?" Neil gestured at her. "Look, if I can convince Audrey, you have to pick your side. Try to pick the right one."
Katelyn sighed, then rubbed her temples. "I don't know why I ever thought you didn't belong with Audrey's group. You're worse than they are."
"Are you… mad at me?" Neil asked, mostly curious.
"No," Katelyn said. "Maybe. I am angry, but it's not at you. Not really. I'm angry at this whole situation. If this works, then it will have been worth it, but I think you're being cruel."
"I probably am," Neil said. "It doesn't matter."
"As long as you win, right?" Katelyn scoffed.
"Yes," Neil said, then got to her feet. "Thanks for telling me. I'll text you if I get Audrey to agree."
Katelyn, for the first time, didn't wave to her as she left.
There was one viable option. Aaron said he didn't talk to Betsy Dobson unless he had to, but he had to have picked up on Audrey's clear attachment to her. Maybe he would let her mediate in a confidential setting. If he refused, Katelyn could give him the final push he needed.
Getting Audrey to agree would be the real trick. She only hoped her secrets would be enough.
Idly, she wondered if Betsy knew the twins had this bad of issues. Halfway through clicking to her contact, Neil shrugged. She either could do it or she couldn't, and there was one way to find out. She put the phone to her ear, weaving through campus.
She answered on the second ring with a pleasant, "Doctor Dobson."
"It's Neil," Neil said, and continued before she could act pleased or surprised to hear from her. "I need a yes or no. If we can talk Aaron and Audrey into doing joint sessions with you, can you fix them?"
There was only a brief pause before Betsy said, "I will certainly try."
"Don't try," Neil said. "Don't guess. This is too important. Can you or can't you?"
"Yes." She could hear the smile in her voice. Not amusement, but approval. "If you can get them here, I will take care of it."
Neil started to move the phone from her ear when she heard Betsy say, "Neil? I like the honest side of you."
She swallowed, then hung up on her. It was only a few more minutes to Fox Tower. Aaron would be at the library in Neil's spot until afternoon practice, and Nicky was god only knew where. Kevin opened the door to the cousin's suite, took one look at Neil's face, then said, "I'll be at the court."
Audrey was sitting in one of the beanbags, feet tucked under her. She barely glanced Neil's way as the door shut and locked behind her, just turning the page of the book she was reading. Neil sucked in a breath through the sharp stones in her throat. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't steel herself for this. She just had to rip the bandaid off.
"I told you there was only one last secret in between me showing you my scars. I want you to give me something for it."
Audrey kept reading, but hadn't stopped her yet, so Neil continued. "I want you to work out your issues with Aaron."
That stopped her reading, but only long enough for her to glare as if Neil was nothing more than a stupid bug. "Why so suddenly interested in my brother's life? I thought you said you didn't care about the cheerleader."
"I'm not interested."
"Without the lies," Audrey said. "I thought that was clear."
"I'm not," Neil said again. "I can't stand him, but we're out of time. I told you last October that we can't make it to finals if we're a fractured mess. You two are holding us back. I had to start with one of you. Since everyone bets on Aaron and Katelyn, I thought he'd fight you for her. Katelyn already agreed."
"Wouldn't that be an interesting change of pace," Audrey said, and finally put her book down. "See also: a waste of energy and effort. He might try, but he won't win."
"You have to let him go."
"Oh," Audrey said flatly. "Do I?"
"You will lose him if you don't."
"What do you know of real loss, Neil Josten?"
Each word dripped with poison, and Neil knew it was a trap even as she walked into the knife.
"He'll keep pushing Katelyn away if you tell him to," Neil said, ignoring her, "but he'll resent you for it. He'll count down the days until graduation and when it comes, you will never see him again. Let him go now if you ever want him to come back."
"Who asked you?"
"I did. That's why I'm asking you for this."
"Don't."
"What do you know of real loss?" Neil parroted. "Don't dismiss me for lying to you and then ignore me when I tell the truth."
"You haven't told me your truth yet. It might not even be worth it."
"It is to me."
"Do you even know what the truth is?"
Neil breathed through her nose and counted to ten, then said, "it is the only truth I have known."
"Truth is irrefutable and untainted by bias. Sunrise, Sarai, death; these are truths. You are nothing but biased. You cannot judge a problem with your obsession goggles on and call it truth. Your truth or whatever you think you're seeing with Aaron. You aren't fooling either of us."
"If you ask for half the truth about your brother, you'll only get half the truth," Neil said. "That's what's been happening with Katelyn. It's your fault if you don't like the answers I give you, not mine."
"I hate you."
"I don't care. Is that a yes?"
Audrey gave a slow exhale from her nose that reeked of hate, but then looked back to Neil. "Yes."
The fear, the preemptive anxiety and rawness, wasn't so bad after arguing, but it still twisted all of her insides to speak.
"I told you I was named after my father."
"I remember. You don't look like a Nathan."
"I'm not. I'm Nathalie."
Audrey considered her a minute longer, then finally, raised a single brow. "Nathalie is a girl's name."
Neil shrugged, scrambling to find the cool indifference that she could pull over herself, but came up empty. That truth, of all things, felt like the final nail in her coffin. Audrey was still a ways away from the truth, but she was closer than anyone had been before. Far, far too close. Yet something about the way those hazel eyes remained nothing but assessing, nothing but uncaring, smoothed over any of the sharply cracked emotions inside her.
"Yes. I never said otherwise."
"You've never corrected anyone."
"It's been a secret for as long as I have. I started dressing as a boy after–" Neil flashed back to an icy alley, the blood on her palms smearing on the brick in front of her, then shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Kevin knows. Wymack and Abby might. But it's easier to hide as a boy when my father's people are looking for a girl. Easier to slap the letter M on my driver's license when I'm getting it illegally anyway. It's saved me too many times to count."
Audrey gave her another shrewd look, then seemed to take in her body. Neil knew she wouldn't be receiving a better cue than that one, and struggled out of her shirt. It was getting a little easier every day, but it hurt when she raised her arms too high, and when she twisted, she felt the pull at her stitches.
She got her shirt over her head, and dropped it to the floor. Audrey's eyes didn't even follow it, already locked onto her chest. Despite her many intrusions into the men's locker room, Neil knew Audrey had still seen none of it.
She reached for the bandages on Neil's wrists. Neil let her rip tapes and gauze off. The scabs looked worse today than they had when she first landed in South Carolina. The rest of her chest was unbandaged, as she had gone back to her regular sport tape yesterday. Abby was right, of course; she needed to let her wounds air. Neil dragged her stare up from the ugly lines striped across her wrists to Audrey's face. She wasn't sure what she was looking for, but found nothing anyway. Audrey looked a thousand years from all of this, detached and unconcerned.
On Neil's right shoulder was a burn scar, courtesy of getting smacked with a hot iron. Audrey put her left hand to it, fingertips lining up perfectly with the raised bumps from the iron's steam holes. Her right thumb found the puckered flesh from a bullet. Neil had slept in her bulletproof vest for almost a month after that close call, too scared to take it off. Her mother had to bully her into shedding it long enough to wash up.
"Someone shot you," Audrey said.
"I told you someone was after me."
"This," Audrey dug her fingers harder into the iron mark, "is not from a life on the run."
"That's from my father. People came by asking about his work. I didn't say anything, but I didn't sit still enough, either. He hit me as soon as the door closed behind them. I hate him. I hate having his name. I don't want anyone to call me that ever again."
Audrey was quiet a long time, then dropped her hand to the slashes across Neil's gut.
"Renee said you refused our knives. A murder magnet like you shouldn't walk around unarmed."
Neil studied her, and when her unreadable expression gave absolutely nothing away, she said, "You're not actually a sociopath, are you?"
"I never said I was."
"You let them say it about you," Neil said. "You could have corrected them."
Audrey waved that off. "What people want to think of me is not my problem."
"Does Coach know?"
"Of course he does."
Neil didn't have anything to say to that. Audrey didn't either. She moved just slightly, just enough to get a look at Neil's arm. She had taken out the stitches from Drake long before even the Winter Banquet, and it was hardly her most gruesome scar. Still, Audrey's fingertips ghosted over it until she let her fingers come to a stop on the slight ridge of the athletic tape where it met her chest.
"More of a rabbit than I first thought," Audrey said.
Neil would have rolled her eyes, if she weren't so pent up. She didn't think Audrey needed to see the scars under the tape, since most of the road-rash was revealed already, but she waited just in case. Audrey didn't ask. Once she had her fill, she flicked her fingers at Neil's shirt on the ground.
"Don't involve yourself where you're not welcome again," Audrey said.
"I'll do whatever I have to do to ensure the team's success," Neil said, and tugged on her shirt. "You can stop pretending this won't benefit you, even if the path there might be tricky. It seemed like you were never going to walk it. Now you have to."
"Neil," Audrey said, and it was all she had to say, because every letter stung with a threat.
Then, her fingers skimmed the tips of her armbands, and in two movements, she shed them. Neil blinked, and took a step back, but it didn't disguise or change it. The sight of scars would always be a familiar one. Neil hated to see the destroyed skin on Audrey all the same. Ridges, neat until they weren't, tripped over themselves all the way up her forearm. It made sense, in a twisted way that Neil wished she could say she didn't understand. It was Audrey's price she paid, Neil guessed, to get through it all. All of them were old, long healed. Whatever life she had clawed together at that unfathomable cost was long over.
"I have these," Audrey said like the words were being pried out of her, "Because I wanted to keep Cass. Then I lost her for Aaron. I won't lose Aaron too."
"Then start acting like his sister, not his keeper," Neil said.
"Get out."
Neil left the suite without another word. She was running before she even made it out of the Tower.
Notes:
audrey: what did neil say
nicky: he's going to dinner with the upperclassmen so he can't come to eden's
audrey: >:[also yes the scenes shook down a little differently than they do in canon. this is mostly bc neil has more secrets to give that aren't entirely backstory, and the twinyards are on just like. a tiny modicum of better standing than they are in canon because of aaron's transition. also katelyn's friendship gives neil a more in depth view that prompts him into this deal, whereas he doesn't want to use aaron w the maserati. anyway. hehe. audrey knows now and there will def be more of a response later
Chapter 19: promises
Notes:
guys i have been consumed entirely by the stupid aftg hunger games au i'm writing. it's literally pages of nothing good yet but i can't stop. i can't stop torturing neil josten. i need neil to say 'if it weren't for the baby' or i'll die. anyway. here's this chapter. enjoy the shorter ones before we get into the beefcake chapters that are on the very near horizon
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil knew that long after everything healed, she would wear the bandage on her face. Even with a game that evening, she knew she would keep it on. Still, as Allison applied that day's worth of makeup, Neil's stomach gave an unpleasant turn in guilt. It was a newer emotion for her, and she didn't like it any more each time than the last.
"Allison," she said, a warning that she was about to move.
She drew her hand back a bit, and Neil reached up to the tape on her face. She didn't know where was safe to touch with the makeup, since her cheek felt cold all over anyway. Allison understood what she was trying to do, though, and swatted her hand out of the way. She snagged the edge of the tape with her long fingernails and pried the bandage off in one smooth move.
It took her half a second to realize what she was looking at. She was on her feet immediately with a shrill, "Are you kidding me?"
Dan was in the kitchen, scarfing down breakfast, and Renee was in the bedroom, but Allison's outburst brought them both running. Dan was on Neil's left, so she saw it first. She ground to a half, but only for a second. A heartbeat later, she was across the room and on the couch where Allison had just been sitting. Neil didn't know she could move so fast.
"This is a joke," she said, making as if to grab Neil's chin, so Neil jerked out of her reach. "Neil?"
"He told me to transfer to the Ravens," Neil said. "He said I could finish this year with the Foxes, but that I'd move to Edgar Allan this fall. They inked me in preparation and I couldn't stop them. I wanted you to know in case Riko says something about it. I'm still a Fox no matter what he says. I wouldn't sign his papers."
"Take it off," Dan demanded.
"It's permanent," Neil said.
"Nothing is permanent. Take it off. Matt will spot you the money."
"Not if I get there first," Allison said. "I don't want to see that on my court. Kevin's tramp stamp fouls the atmosphere enough."
"Kevin knew about this, didn't he?" Dan said, incensed. "He knew what Riko was going to do to you, and he let you go anyway. The next time I see him–"
"You'll do nothing," Neil interrupted. "Kevin didn't have the right to stop me."
"He let you go to Riko in his stead."
"No," Neil said. "Kevin didn't factor into any of that. He knew it wasn't about him."
Dan wasn't expecting that. Confusion took the edge off her anger. "You said Riko was trying to get to Kevin."
"I said Riko focused on me because of my relation to Kevin," Neil said. "I didn't say that's why I went. I just thought you should know about this before the season really kicks off."
Dan let Neil get to her feet, but seized her elbow before she could get very far. She seemed to be staring across the room at nothing. It was a minute before she spoke.
"You never had any plans to go home for Christmas, did you? That whole mess about your uncle flying to Arizona– you made that up so we wouldn't ask too many questions, or wonder why you weren't going to New York with Kevin."
"I did," Neil said. No point in denying.
"I get that you don't trust us completely," Dan said. "I don't like it, but I think we've been pretty good at working around that all year. We haven't pushed you to give us more than you're comfortable with and we haven't asked why you're like this. So don't do this to us. Don't sit here and lie to our faces." She finally looked up at him, frustration pulling hard at the corner of her mouth. "We're friends. We deserve better than that."
"If you always got what you deserved, you wouldn't be a Fox," Neil said, and tugged out of Dan's grip. Dan let her go without a fight, looking a bit startled by the blunt rejoinder. Neil tried to stamp down on another trickle of guilt, but couldn't quite manage it. "I've never had friends before. I don't know how this works. I'm trying, but it's still going to take time."
Time was something she didn't have, but that wasn't worth mentioning. Dan accepted her apology and promise with a weary nod, and they let her leave in peace. Neil stopped by her bathroom to replace the tattoo's bandage before her classes. She had nothing to do before class except for homework. First serve was scheduled for seven-thirty, but Wymack wanted them on the ground in Austin two hours early. He said he didn't trust winter weather, which had jinxed them into having terrible weather.
The bad luck didn't stop there either.
Neil was sitting next to Kevin in their terminal, having him look over some of her homework when Audrey looped around from the coffee shop with a cup and a bag that had a good chance of being too full with pastries. The Vixens had beaten them to the airport and were camped out at the gate. Katelyn had given her a little wave, but was clearly keeping her distance. Neil wasn't going to breach that, but that meant letting Kevin correct her Japanese. That only lasted for so long, though, and when Kevin wanted to discuss Texas' lineup for the fifth time, Neil made him sit by Dan.
Audrey took the empty spot next to Neil.
She stared out the great window, almost forlorn. Neil ignored her for as long as she could, but when all of her assignments were complete, she finally had to ask the question that had been bothering her.
"When you said you were afraid of heights, you were joking, right?" She gave Audrey a minute to answer, then tried again. "Audrey, you can't be. What were you doing on the roof?"
Audrey didn't answer immediately, but the tilt of her head to one side said she was thinking about it. Neil didn't know if she was searching for words, or just figuring out which ones she could expend on an explanation. Finally, Audrey lifted a hand to her own throat, feeling for a pulse. She tapped a clear and too-fast rhythm along once she found it.
"Feeling," Audrey said.
"Trying to remember fear, or trying to remember how to feel anything at all?" Neil asked. When she didn't answer, she tried a different tactic. "If it makes you feel better, fewer than twenty planes crash every year, and it's not always due to the weather. Sometimes pilots are just unreliable. I'm sure it's a quick death either way."
"Does it hurt?" She looked to Neil, who frowned in confusion at her, then specified, "Binding all of the time?"
Neil's teeth sunk into her bottom lip. When she tilted her head a bit to think, Audrey scoffed. "It's not rocket science, it's yes or no."
"Yes," Neil said. "It hurts to bind. It hurts when I'm not binding too. It's something I've learned to ignore."
"Seems like you're good at ignoring most things."
"It's not like I've ever had time to stop. This– playing here, staying, going to school, being Neil– is the first break I've gotten."
"Not Millport?"
"Millport wasn't a break," Neil said. "I slept with a gun under my head in a rotation of abandoned houses up until my flight here in May. I used to wake up every morning with my finger on the safety, and my other arm on top since I never even had a blanket when I slept on floors, let alone a pillow. But I hardly reach for it anymore."
"Is that why you refused our knives?" Audrey eventually asked. "You prefer guns?"
"I hate knives."
"That didn't answer my question."
"Is it your turn?" Neil asked, just to be a dick, then answered before Audrey could retort. "No. I don't ever want to carry knives around. I don't prefer guns, but I do prefer how lethal they are."
"You said you didn't understand why he liked knives so much. You weren't talking about Riko."
"No," Neil confirmed. "You've seen my scars now."
Audrey dipped her chin in a single confirmation.
"I think," Neil said slowly, letting the words come out as soon as they came to her, "Riko took such an interest in destroying me because we both know that I'm not afraid of him. He wants me to be so badly, and he thinks there's some imagined line he'll push me to and then I'll start. There are scarier things than a psychopath with power. I'll never be afraid of him. He only controls me because he knows what I am afraid of."
She chewed on her thumbnail, then said, "Kevin's fear of Riko is so far from my understanding because of that. It's hard to remember that Kevin being even a little brave still seems weak to me because of that. That's not fair to him, I guess. Kevin has always been brave when it counts. That's why Riko wants to crush it out of him so badly. Kevin has broken in the past, so Riko knows if he pushes Kevin hard enough, then he might again."
"You cast hard condemnation on anyone who doesn't follow your example of running away when things get hard," Audrey said. "Ponder a different lifestyle, Rabbit. Your same old song is getting old fast."
Neil shook her head. "That's what I mean. It took me a while, but I think I'm finally starting to see it. He had an out all that time, but running was still the bravest thing he's ever had to do. Running for me has never been brave. Staying, historically, hasn't been either. I faulted him so heavily before because I couldn't see past that, but I'm beginning to think I was too quick to judge."
"You're spewing nonsense. Get to the point."
"Every time I run, it's an excuse, but every time I stay, it's only out of desperation. Riko was never going to scare me, because staying with the Foxes isn't brave, it's stupid. There's no idea of grandeur that he has to crush out of me. Riko wants Kevin because now, this bravery of staying with the Foxes and making us better seems like a personal insult to Riko. Riko wants me because he wants to figure out a way to break me at all. He tried every way he could think of, but I don't think any of them worked."
"Every way," Audrey repeated, though her words were sharper than any blade.
Neil waved it off, but said nothing. She didn't want to have to explain it to Audrey. Things like that had happened to Neil, and they would always happen. It was the cost of her continuous survival, she knew.
"He won't have you," Audrey said lowly. "He won't break you, because he won't get the chance."
"No," Neil said, and thought of a mouth stained with lipstick that matched the color of her father's hair. "He won't."
Their conversation almost felt like a warning when the Foxes came onto the Longhorns' court for warmups and found Jean Moreau and Riko Moriyama in the front row.
Matt was the first to react with a furious, "What are they doing here?"
"I'll ask," Audrey said, and started that way.
Wymack hauled her to a stop by the back of her armor. "You are not allowed to kill anyone the first game of the season. Worry less about him and more about your offense line, got it? Focus, Kevin. You too, Neil. Neil," he said, louder. "Eyes on me."
Neil realized she was looking at Riko again. She dragged her gaze back to Wymack's face. Wymack looked angry, but Neil knew her coach too well by now. That anger was born of genuine worry. She chose to interpret it as disappointment instead, because that was easier to motivate herself with. The Foxes needed her tonight. She couldn't let Riko get to her. She caught every bad memory and feeling that was snarling in her ear tightly between her fists and shoved them all deep.
"I'm starting to think he likes me after all," Neil said with forced nonchalance. "As if my own personalized tramp stamp wasn't enough to prove it. Come on, we have a game to win."
"That's right," Wymack said. "Where was I?"
"Offense, I think," Neil said, and looked at Kevin. Kevin was staring white-faced at Riko, but Neil nudged him until she had his attention. "Fair warning: if they put Beckstein as my mark, I'm going to have to do side passes all night. He's got a foot on me, so if he catches my stick on an upward swing, it'll pull me too far, and I'll tear something."
Kevin started to say something, but Audrey beat him to the punch with a calm, "Eight inches. He's only five-eleven."
Neil and Kevin pivoted to stare at Audrey. The flash of a grin on Wymack's face said he caught the significance of that remark and knew what it meant for the Foes' chances tonight. The rest of the team blew right by it without noticing. Dan said something to Allison about how to compensate for Neil. Neil knew she and Kevin were meant to be included in the conversation, but she couldn't follow along.
Height was arguably the most critical detail on an Exy court. A player's height decided how long of a racquet they could wield and determined their reach. To most players, a general figure was good enough; it didn't matter if they were an inch or two off, because they just needed an idea of what they were up against. They used the number solely to determine how tricky their mark would be to get around.
Neil and Kevin knew the exact height of every Longhorn backliner because they couldn't play the game without that information. Technical players like Kevin could use a man's height to map out his every weak spot. More importantly, he could cross-reference his own field of reach against his marks' and find the best places to push. That was how he got around defense so often.
Instinctive players like Neil know where those gaps were without calculating angles and overlap. If Wymack gave Neil a pen and told her to draw a backliner's blind spot on a diagram, she couldn't do it, but once the game was going, Neil could find it in a heartbeat. She wasn't good enough yet to take full advantage of that insight, but Kevin said a talent like that would have eventually secured Neil's spot on the US Court.
Audrey had no excuse for knowing Beckstein's height. For starters, Beckstein was a backliner. If the Foxes did their job right, Beckstein shouldn't ever get close enough to goal to take a shot at it. More importantly Wymack had only given out the Longhorns' heights once when he'd first read the UT line-up out to his team. That statistic was printed on the round-one pamphlet Wymack handed out last week, but Audrey had stuffed that paperwork in her locker the first chance she got. Neil hadn't seen her take it out since.
Audrey had looked a thousand miles away when Wymack went over the Longhorns' roster, but she had heard every word and retained it. That perfect retention was what saved them in their match against Belmonte last fall. Wymack made a throwaway comment about penalty shots during the halftime rundown. The game didn't come down to penalties, but with so few seconds left on the clock and so much pressure on the Belmonte striker to tie the score, Audrey knew he'd go for what was familiar. She had blocked an impossible shot without thinking twice.
Neil looked at Kevin, then Wymack, wondering why no one had ever told her that Audrey had an eidetic memory, wondering if they'd even known. She couldn't help but give it another test. She mentally scrolled through the Longhorns' offense line and settled on a fifth-year striker. "How tall is Lakes?"
"Look it up," Audrey said.
"Just this once," Neil said. Audrey started to turn away, so Neil hooked her gloved fingers in the netted head of Audrey's racquet and gave a careful tug. She tried again. "How tall is she?"
"Five-six?" Matt guessed.
"Five-eight," Audrey said.
"Close enough," Matt shrugged.
Neil let go of Audrey's racquet in favor of holding onto her own. "We're going to win."
"You were expecting us to lose?" Dan asked.
"No," Neil admitted. Her lips twitched, and she knew from the hard pull at her mouth that she was wearing her father's smile. She pressed the side of her glove to her face, nearly crushing her teeth into her lips. She tasted blood before it was safe to drop her hand again. Her eyes passed Audrey to land on Riko. "I'm glad he's here to see it. Let's see if we can't rattle him."
"Let's." Wymack said. "Anyway, imagine I actually got through everything important I needed to say, since it's too late to finish it now. Remember it's two out of three to advance and you can't afford to lose the first game of the season. Strikers, three goals a piece or I'll register you for a marathon. Seth, try not to be too much of a hindrance and I'll pretend I didn't hear what you said on the plane. Backliners, if you look like idiots, you'll keep them company. Dealers: you've got this. Renee, play it like you know how. Audrey, keep the score at three or under for your half and I'll buy you as much alcohol as will fit in your cabinet."
The announcer called both starting line-ups to the court. Neil took her place on the half-court line and sent a final look Kevin's way.
It was no miracle that the Foxes pulled a win, but every one of their eight goals was hard-earned.
When the Foxes filed off the court, Renee headed for Riko. She wasn't the sort to pick a fight, so Neil stopped to stare after her. Riko didn't take the hand Renee offered, but Jean did. The handshake lasted a little too long, but Neil didn't know which one of them was slower to let go.
Neil thought of Jean's odd reaction to Renee at the banquet, the lingering look and the uncomfortable introduction. It was the memory she had been looking for the last week when going through her messages at Reddin. Jean accepted Riko and Tetsuji's cruelty because he had no one outside of the Ravens. With nothing else to live for, and no reason to fight, Jean bowed his head and focused on surviving. Renee was the first bright thing to catch his eye.
"He's interested in her," Neil said, not quite a question.
Kevin was watching them too. "It doesn't matter. It won't work."
Renee told Neil last fall that Ravens weren't allowed to date. Tetsuji didn't want his team distracted from the game. Renee knew that but she was over there anyway. Neil might have been overthinking her intentions, but she was willing to exploit any angle they could find. Jean had been Neil's only ally in the Nest, she knew, but Renee would never hurt anyone.
"Maybe not," Neil said, "but it could give us an edge. Do you still know his number? Give it to her and see what she can do between now and finals."
Dan and Kevin had agreed beforehand to handle the reporters post-game. Neil was happy to leave them to it and follow her jubilant teammates to the locker room, but she didn't make it far. She was probably eight steps from the bench before a reporter shouted after her.
"Neil, is it true you're marked for Court?"
The smart thing to do was keep going and pretend she hadn't heard over the sound of the furious crowd, but Neil ground to a halt. She stared straight ahead, weighing all the ways she could and shouldn't respond to that. Finally, she turned back. Riko's presence meant Audrey was sticking close to Kevin, but Audrey's eyes were on Neil after a bold question like that. Neil tipped her head in a silent question for Kevin's sake, and Audrey motioned for her to do as she pleased.
Neil undid the straps on her helmet, and headed for the trio of reporters. Audrey took the helmet as she passed, and Renee took it from Audrey on her way to the locker room. Neil tucked her gloves under one arm and stopped beside Kevin.
"I'm sorry," she said. "Did you say something?"
"Rumor has it you've been invited to the perfect Court." The reporter thrust a microphone at her, eyes on the bandage plastered to Neil's cheekbone with sweat and tape. "Care to comment on that?"
The first time someone asked about Riko and Kevin's tattoos, Riko hadn't beaten around the bush. He was the best striker in the game, he said, and he wanted everyone to know it. The story changed a little when Jean made his first public appearance with a three on his face. Riko was supposedly handpicking the future US National Team. He called it the perfect court, and even though it was unofficial and unbelievably arrogant, his talent and upbringing gave some credibility to the idea.
"Oh," Neil said with a shrug. "You mean this."
She peeled the bandage off her face and let the reporters get a good look at her tattoo. One of the reporters snapped at her cameraman to get a close-up, and Neil obediently tilted her face for a better view. She was smiling again, and wasn't trying to hide it. The reporters were too stupid, or too eager for a story to read the threat in the expression. Kevin wasn't so blind, and he hissed under his breath in tense French, "Don't push him."
The urge to choke the life out of Kevin was as fierce as it was fleeting. Neil didn't waste her time looking at Kevin. She said, "It's actually impressive, isn't it? I think it's the second time Riko has ever been wrong. He always seemed too thickheaded to admit when he's made a mistake."
"You think he made a mistake marking you?" A reporter asked.
"You don't think you deserve the number?" Asked another at the same time.
Neil affected surprise at their misunderstanding. "I don't think he deserves us," she said, and gestured between herself and Kevin, "but that's neither here nor there."
"What do you mean?"
"Look, I'm going to be honest," Neil said. "I know Riko's good. Everyone does. His uncle's name has gotten him pretty far in life and the Ravens have an impressive record. Riko, though, is a hard person to respect. Up until December, I figured he was an egocentric maniac who was so desperate for his own glory that he refused to see the potential in anyone else. He, of course, assumed I was a know-nothing from nowhere with no right to have an opinion.
"This Christmas, we tried to meet halfway," Neil said. "Riko invited me to practice with the Ravens over the holidays so I could see the discrepancy between our two teams. He was wrong about me. We're never going to be friends and we'll definitely never like each other. He takes after his uncle, for sure, since the only thing he's proved himself at is picking the rest of his perfect court. He was right that Kevin Day and Jean Moreau will certainly be Court. When I make it, I doubt Riko and I will have to find a way to work around each other."
The original reporter stared at her, open-mouthed, a beat too long before asking, "There was a rumor you might transfer to Edgar Allan?"
"It was mentioned while I was there," Neil shrugged, "but we all know it'll never happen. I will never get to where I need to be with the Ravens. I could barely tolerate them for two weeks, I can't imagine playing with them for four years– they're terrible human beings. But you know what, that's petty. I said I'd be honest, but that was a little too transparent. Let's say this instead: we promised the Ravens a rematch this spring, so I'll cheer them all the way to the finals. If Riko didn't think we could meet them there, he wouldn't have marked me, or flown halfway across the country to watch us play tonight. He knows we have a chance. He just hasn't figured out that we're going to win the next time we meet. Keep an eye on us, won't you? It's going to be an exciting year."
She turned right around and headed for the locker room like she didn't hear everyone calling after her.
Dan's delighted laughter said she was following her, but she didn't look back to see if Audrey or Kevin were with their captain. The locker room door banged closed behind them, muffling most of the noise from the crowd, and Neil caught the tail-end of Kevin's sour complaint. Neil's temper flared hot again, and this time, she didn't choke it back. She turned and shoved Kevin into the door as hard as she could.
Kevin had the better part of a foot on her, but he was too startled to defend himself. Dan gaped at Neil. Audrey, who had attacked Matt for hitting Kevin, took a neat step out of the way. Neither of them was going to interfere, so Neil focused on Kevin.
"Enough," Neil said, in fast and furious French. "Don't ever try to censor me again. I am not going to let him dictate how I end this."
"You are going to bring him down on all of us," Kevin shot back. "You don't think."
"You aren't thinking either. You cannot be afraid of him anymore."
"It is not a switch you turn on and off. You of all people know this." Kevin finally pushed Neil off her, and Neil let her when it was clear Kevin wouldn't try to get past her. "You did not grow up with him. You do not get to judge me."
"I am not judging you. I'm telling you it's past time you stand your ground. What's the point of any of this if you're still his pet at the end of the day? If you really believed in us– if you really believed in yourself– you'd push back."
"You don't understand."
"Yeah, I fucking don't. You have a way out. You have a future, so why won't you take it? Why are you so afraid to take it?"
Just like that, her anger was cracking, breaking apart from the weight of premature grief and too much need. The way Kevin's expression faded from irritated to intent said he heard that hoarse edge in Neil's words. Neil struggled to hold onto her rage and bulled on anyway.
"When I first found out about the Moriyamas, I stayed because I thought you had a chance. One of us had to make it and I wanted it to be you! But you still believe in that number on your face. What's so important about being second-best?"
Kevin looked at Audrey. Audrey couldn't follow any of the argument, but it turned out not as a bid for help, since Kevin said, "When we tried to sign Audrey to the Ravens, she said the same thing. She said I didn't interest him because I made a career of coming second. I don't want this, but I'm not like you. I have always been Riko's. I know more than anyone what happens when you defy a Moriyama."
"You know," Neil agreed. "But they already took everything away from you. What else do you have to lose?"
Kevin didn't answer. Neil gave him a minute, then turned away. Wymack was waiting at the end of the hall with his arms crossed and an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. He quirked a brow at Neil as she headed his way.
"I don't know if you recall, but we won." Wymack said. "Any particular reason you're trying to kill the good mood?"
Neil bit at her lips like a caged animal. "Somehow I don't think Kevin is going to try to take his tattoo off with a knife like I did." Seth barked a laugh and Neil ignored him. "Oh, and sorry in advance about the press. They started it."
"Christ alive," Wymack said, ignoring the silence that had fallen at Neil's comment. "What did you do this time?"
"Called Riko a Class I douchebag," Dan piped up. "Not in so many words, but I think they got the message."
Wymack dug a thumb into his temple. "I should have asked for hazard pay when I took this job. Out, out, out. I'm not dealing with your attitude problem until I've had a couple of drinks. That goes for the rest of you, too. Get out of my sight, and get cleaned up. If you're not in the van with your gear in twenty minutes, I'm leaving you here. And, hey. Good job tonight."
He said they only had twenty minutes, but Neil still wasted ten of them in the shower. She turned the water on too hot and didn't care that it scalded her skin. She took the luxury of stripping off her tape completely, and scratching away the sticky gunk with her fingernails until it was her own blood under her fingernails. She had never felt more real.
The Ravens, of course, handled Neil's insults with their rude grace. Their only official comment on the matter that night was that they couldn't care less what a loudmouthed amateur had to say about them. Neil was a little surprised they stopped there, that they didn't knock her performance in December. Belatedly, though, she realized they couldn't throw her under the bus, since that would undermine Riko's estimation of her worth. Neil climbed into her top bunk to sleep feeling more than a little smug.
The fans, though, started their own retaliation before sunrise. Pounding on the door startled Neil awake. She glanced at the clock first, the dim window second, and scrubbed a hand across tired eyes. The pounding stopped, but Matt's phone started ringing a second later. Matt rolled over and blindly slapped at it. Neil slung her legs over, and climbed down the ladder.
"Come on," Seth grumbled, voice grainy with sleep. "Let's get this bullshit over with so I can go back to fucking sleep."
Voices in the hall were loud enough to carry through the door, muffled, but angry. Neil didn't recognize any of them, but as Seth pulled the door open, she definitely heard the word cops. Neil opened her mouth to ask what was going on, but Dan slipped past both of them as soon as she could fit through the doorway. Neil watched her make a beeline for the bedroom, then leaned into the hall. She was torn between getting into the chaos and hearing it from Dan.
The problem was solved, though, when Dan said, loud enough to hear, "–trashed the cars."
That was enough for Seth, who pushed through the crowds in the hallway. Neil stuck to the wake he made, and they were the first of the Exy team down the parking lot. Matt caught up to them by jumping the last flight of stairs completely, and Dan jogged to fall in behind Neil.
Neil didn't know what was worse: the sight or the smell. A layer of raw meat, broken eggs, and rocks covered the parking lot and stuck to the athletes' cars. Some cars got by with a couple dings and scratches; others had cracks and holes in their windows and windshields. Enraged athletes swarmed the parking lot, half of them on their phones, the other half raging at the states of their vehicles. Someone had already been inside long enough to get a bucket, and she was steadfastly scrubbing beef off of her hood. Squad cars and campus security were on the scene, with a dozen officers taking statements and pictures.
Any thought that this wasn't her fault died when Neil spotted Matt's truck. Someone had taken extra time to wreck it. Every window on the cab had been busted clean out, leaving only glittering spikes of glass around the frames. The tires were long-deflated from wild slashes. New dents were pounded into the frame from whatever tool the rioters had used on the windows. Allison's car was in the same sorry shape two spots down from Matt's. She stood by the trunk with her arms folded tight across her chest, her face a stony mask.
She looked up at their approach. Neil barely noticed that she treated Seth the same as the rest of them, because Matt was already speaking.
"The hell?" Matt said in a strangled tone. He reached for his truck but drew up short, not wanting to actually touch it. "How did no one hear them?"
"They saved the windows for last," Allison said. She jerked her chin to indicate the men standing across the row from them. "Paris called the police when he heard glass break, but he couldn't get down here fast enough to see any faces, just a lot of cars peeling out of here. At least four, he said, maybe five."
"Oh, Jesus," Matt said, only emphasizing Seth's silence. "Are we really going to do this again?"
"I'm sorry," Neil couldn't help but say. Guilt was becoming all-too familiar, but this time it was sickening.
Allison curled her lip at her in scorn. "Shut up. You're not. No, you're not," she insisted when Neil opened her mouth to argue. It didn't sound like an accusation; it sounded like an order. "Have you forgotten who has to pain you back together every morning? If you'd let them steamroll you yesterday after all of that bullshit, I would hate you."
"You told them the truth," Dan said. "It's not your fault they don't like it."
"I don't want this fight coming back on you," Neil said.
"Too late for that now. But whatever," Allison said. She was going for lofty, but there was anger in every tense line when she surveyed her car again. "They want to break my toy? So what? I'll buy another one. Maybe I'll buy two. Fuck them if they think this will hurt me."
"Hey," Matt said, low but urgent.
Neil followed the very unsubtle jerk of his chin to the back door. Renee must have been the only one who volunteered for the job, since she was one leading Audrey down the back steps into the chaos. Audrey's car was further back in the parking lot, and a couple rows over, but Audrey followed Renee to the upperclassmen first. Audrey stopped at Neil's side to inspect the damage. Neil, in turn, studied her face, but there was nothing to see. Audrey looked as unimpressed with this as she did with everything else.
Renee hooked an arm though Allison's and gave her hand a short squeeze. "I'm sorry."
"Has anyone called Coach yet?" Neil asked.
"He called me," Dan said. "The cops are notifying all the coaches and getting them down here to help corral us. He should be here any minute."
Audrey hummed and turned away. Allison nudged Renee in silent permission to follow after Audrey. Renee just glanced over her shoulder at Neil. Neil nodded and went after Audrey. She had only been out there a couple minutes, but the crowd in the parking lot had tripled in size in that time. Despite Allison's tart support, Neil couldn't look anyone else in the face. These athletes had done nothing to earn the Ravens' disfavor. They were collateral damage, suffering now because Neil couldn't keep her mouth shut.
It had never bothered her before. Caring about the Foxes was unexpected, but easily explained due to long exposure. Feeling guilty over these strangers' misfortunes was new and uncomfortable. Every strident voice was a knife on Neil's nerves, and she hated it. Luckily– or not– they reached Audrey's car, and Neil could stop thinking about everyone else for a minute. Her mouth fell open in silent disbelief.
The Ravens' fans hadn't stopped with Audrey's tires and windows, and they hadn't settled for simple dings. It looked like they had taken a sledgehammer to the entire frame, pounding fist-deep craters throughout the entire vehicle. Red spray paint across what was left of the mangled hood screamed TRAITOR. The front seats were shredded, as were the back, as far in as people could reach their knives through the nonexistent windows. Someone had burst compost bags in the backseat; everything from leftovers to coffee filters and chicken bones were piled a foot deep on the cushions. On top of the reeking mountain was a dead fox.
An anguished wail jarred Neil from her shock. She shot a quick look to her left and saw Nicky had shown up with Aaron and Kevin in tow. Nicky looked devastated as he took in the car's state; Aaron looked as if he had been sucker punched. Kevin had a hand over his nose and mouth to block out the smell, but his green eyes were wide. It took him only a moment to notice Neil's attention, but she immediately tore it away. She didn't want to hear anything that Kevin would say to her.
Nicky stumbled over to the car and pressed unsteady hands to the misshapen hood. "No, no, no," he said piteously. "What did they do to you, baby? What did– is that a dead animal? Oh, Jesus, Aaron, there's a dead animal in our car. I'm going to be sick."
Aaron inched closer, and leaned over to the look inside, He cursed at the sight waiting for him and was quick to retreat. He hid his nose in the crook of his elbow as he gave the car another once-over, then glowered at Neil. Neil knew what was coming before Aaron even dropped his arm to speak.
"You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?"
"I thought he would come at me," Neil said. "I didn't think you'd get caught up in it."
"Right," Aaron said snidely. "Seth's a one-off, then?"
Neil flinched so hard she took a step back. She opened her mouth to argue, but she couldn't defend herself against an accusation like that. Not when she had seen the police report herself.
It turned out she didn't have to. She hadn't realized the upperclassmen had come around to check on them, but Allison was past Neil in a heartbeat, and she backhanded Aaron hard enough to nearly knock him down. She might have taken another swing, except Audrey moved like lightning.
Neil was faster.
Audrey had her arm up as she moved, ready to catch Allison's, but Neil grabbed it in time to yank it behind Audrey's back with a cruel twist. Audrey bucked, and tore free of Neil's admittedly loose grip, but had given Renee all the time needed to get to Allison. She didn't waste her time going after Audrey; Renee had simply shoved Allison before she could hit Aaron again.
"That's enough," Renee said. She stood guard in front of Allison, and an Audrey so stiff she was clearly ready to implode at any moment. "It's just Allison. Okay? It's just Allison."
"It is not just anyone when she lays a hand on what's mine," Audrey spat. "Get out of the way."
"You know I won't," Renee said. "You told me to protect them."
"You failed," Audrey said. "You should have been faster."
"You should keep a leash on your brother then," Neil said. She was expecting Audrey to turn on her, but she hadn't expected the knife that seemed to appear in her hands. Still, she said, "You talk a lot of shit about standing up for him and protecting him, but everything he's ever gotten himself into was his own fucking fault. Maybe let Aaron taste the consequences of his actions for once."
"I made him a promise," Audrey said in German. "I won't be the one to break it."
"He has already broken it," Neil said. "Stop closing your eyes to it. Aaron broke the promise. Do not keep it here when it won't be appreciated again. Have you forgotten Tilda?"
"Fuck you," Audrey spat.
"Audrey," Aaron choked, then faltered. Neil wished she dared to look away from Audrey to see Aaron's expression. All anger had vanished from Aaron's voice; he sounded almost lost. "No, Audrey. It's all right. I'm all right. It didn't even hurt."
Audrey stared at Neil for another endless moment. Neil riled a glance at Aaron. Aaron was staring at Audrey like he'd never seen her before. Neil's gaze locked onto the knife as soon as it moved, but she stood completely still as Audrey brought it up, slotting the tip so nicely into the dip of her solar plexus.
"You stop me one more time, and I won't hesitate to put this blade clean through you," Audrey warned.
"Audrey," Aaron repeated.
Dan, though, said, "Do not fucking hurt him, you asshole. He was just protecting Allison."
"You do not have the right to act surprised," Audrey said. The fury was gone from her voice, but it burned all the more powerfully from where her eyes bored into Neil. "That is the second time in as many weeks one of you has forgotten yourself. You should have learned your lesson the first time. You do not get to take offense when you force my hand."
Neil heard movement behind her, and held out a hand to stall the upperclassmen. "Renee," Neil said. "Take everyone inside."
"This isn't–"
A booming voice cut Dan off. "What the fuck is going on here?"
Neil's heart almost punched a hole through her ribcage. She had been so intent on Audrey and her knife that she hadn't heard Wymack's approach. She darted a quick look over her shoulder, but had to quickly look away from the anger on Wymack's face. Wymack raked his team with a glare and waited for them to recover. Neil didn't dare move away from Audrey's knife. Dan was the first one to find her voice again.
"Nothing," she said, heated and obviously lying. "Just rethinking every time we defended our decision to recruit the monsters."
"Enough," Wymack said, and snapped his fingers at the upperclassmen. "Where are you parked? Go wait with your cars. I'll be there in two seconds. Go, I said." He waited until they'd squeezed between cars to get back to their row, then turned a stony stare onto Audrey's lot. "Audrey, put the goddamn knife away. What the fuck is going on?"
There was no point in lying when the upperclassmen were going to tell Wymack everything, so Neil summed it up as, "Allison hit Aaron, so Audrey tried to hit back. I stopped her."
"And he won't do it again," Audrey said. The knife pressed hard enough to finally break skin, but Audrey wasn't the first person to get to that spot. She would be cutting open a mark from Riko.
Wymack closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was obviously trying not to snap at them, not wanting to reignite an awful situation, but it took an age before he dropped his hand. "Audrey, we are going to talk about this. No, I am going to talk about this, and you are going to listen. Today, but not now. After the rest of this chaos has been sorted out. Do you understand?" Wymack gave her a minute to acknowledge that, then said, "I didn't hear you."
"You'll talk, I'll listen," and even Neil wasn't sure if she was agreeing nor summarizing Wymack's demands.
"I'm going to check on them," Wymack said. "I'll be right back. When I come back, you are going to have that knife out of Neil, and we are going to focus on the real problem and the real enemy. Is that clear?"
"Crystal," Nicky said weakly.
"Yes, Coach," Neil said.
Wymack stomped off, and Neil turned a flat stare back on Audrey.
"Anything else?" she asked.
Audrey's jaw worked, but when she didn't say anything. Neil would have walked into her knife to prove a point, but she had already been benched for far too long, so she just stepped away.
"Break your deal with Aaron," Neil said, "or tell him to watch his mouth. Next time he brings up rape like that, it won't be Allison hitting him, it will be me. Get over your hypocrisy and pull your head out of the sand, Audrey. I'm tired of it."
Neil turned around and went back to the dorm without another word. As the door slammed shut behind her, she saw the flashing lights that announced the pigs' arrival. She found the dorm empty, which was as good of a sign as any to haul out her homework. Half an hour later, Seth spilled into the room. He hadn't even put shoes on, it seemed, so he spent a good few minutes picking glass out of the soles of his feet and bitching about it while Neil tried her best to ignore him.
Finally, though, Seth snapped his fingers. "Come on, freak. Wymack's got food at the stadium for us."
"I don't want to go," Neil said.
"Well, too bad. I'm not letting you eat another three peanut butter sandwiches for lunch again. Besides, you did the hard part. Now you have to show up. You have to prove to the Monster that you're not afraid of her. Which, I guess I should say thank you for."
Neil blinked. "Why?"
"You helped Al. Who knows what Minyard would have done to her, but I'm sure glad that we didn't have to find out. You're not hurt are you?"
Neil gave a tired shrug, then shook her head. She meant every word she had said, of course, but she was tired. She didn't care anymore, not really. This was supposed to be a place to rest before her death. A place to just play Exy, but the team was overly complicated. If they kept up like this, they would lose.
"Neither of us have cars either way," Neil said, "And we can't use Matt's now."
"God forbid two collegiate athletes have to walk. Come on, I've seen you run around so fast it's like you've never even met the floor. Stop busting your ass to make excuses and let's go."
Neil had nothing to say to that, so she heaved herself up, changed clothes, and followed Seth back down the stairs. She was already confused, but somehow the last thing she expected was Seth then trying to start up a conversation.
"You're a crazy kid," Seth said. "You remind me of my little brother. I was never brave enough to do anything or say anything against my parents. Just like you, though, that kid opened his mouth and told his teachers and his friends and anyone who would listen that our Daddy was beating the shit out of us."
Neil vaguely wondered if Seth had his keys to the dorm, or if they would just be locked out. Neil certainly didn't have hers with her. She didn't ask him, since even if she didn't want to listen, he seemed intent on talking.
"He was the son of a bitch that got all the kids split up and in different houses. I was only a year out from being eighteen. I was so mad at him I could've killed him as soon as I saw him. I think he knew that. He must've. Still, he came home, and he was already expecting a dressing down from some of the younger ones, but I could tell right out the gate that he was terrified of what I was going to do to him. You know what, though? I couldn't have done anything to him anyway. He did everything I had always wanted to do but was too afraid to."
Neil still didn't know where this was going. Seth must've sensed that, since Neil got a very hard elbow to the ribs.
"That's exactly what you're like, kid. You're doing everything that the rest of the Foxes wished they had done. The shit you say to the press, and the way you act in practice? I don't give a fuck what the Monsters or the saps like Dan or Matt say to you. You have to keep doing this. Don't ever listen to Day when he opens his coward mouth and spews shit. It's not just for you, it's for all of us. You're giving the Foxes the hope that they've never had before."
Neil felt her mouth twitch up, so she rubbed it away with a thumb. When she was confident it was gone, she said, "We'll get to the semifinals. There will be scouts there, and they're going to go directly after you."
Seth shook his head. "I don't want that anymore. I don't think I ever wanted it. It was just another excuse, I think, to be mad. It's… I won't be able to find my siblings. They're long gone, and I won't be able to find them. I want to help those kids, though. Social workers from nice backgrounds are all well and good, but no one's gonna get some of those cases like fuckups like us are gonna."
Neil shrugged. She didn't know nearly enough about that system except for what Audrey and Renee had said about it.
"Yeah," Seth said, then slowly brought his hand up to ruffle Neil's hair. "Figured that would be your response. I had to tell you, though. If I ever find that kid, you're the first one I'm telling. Do you think when I tell you it'll shake something real out of you, or no?"
Neil gave a shrewd glance around, but the sidewalk around them was empty anyway. She chewed on the words for a while before she said, "In my bottom drawer, there's a safe that has a binder. There's about a quarter million in blood money, and coordinates to more. It's all encoded, but it's all yours if I die. If you can break the codes, that is. Don't call the phone number."
"Why am I not even surprised?" Seth sighed, then laughed, deep and rumbling in a way that Neil had never heard from anyone before. It lasted almost a few minutes. "Fuck, kid, you're such a freak. Any other Fox would be concerned about your imminent death, you know. That's not just something you should be throwing around."
"You're the only one who knows," Neil said. "Well, Kevin, but–"
"He's an idiot," Seth finished, and Neil didn't feel the need to correct him.
The thought of the safe, though, sparked something. She wondered how much the insurance companies would cover repairs for the Foxes' cars. Even if it couldn't cover everything, Allison and Matt had enough money to pick up the rest. The cousins didn't have that kind of cash, and their car was nearly as expensive as Allison's was, if Matt was right. Nicky had already predicted they'd get bad news back on it.
The rest of the Foxes gave her the rundown when they got to the stadium. Wymack promised the school was footing the bill for rental cars and vans for the week that was coming that afternoon, and had already done a press release. Neil didn't want to be there at all, not when she was feeling sticky with guilt. But when Wymack finally released them, it took only a glance between the three strikers to have them out on the court for an early night practice.
They were interrupted by someone banging on the plexiglass.
It was Allison.
All of them stopped to let her onto the court, all geared up, iconic braids swinging loose from under her helmet.
Neil had no idea what to do with a defensive dealer at night practice, but Kevin didn't even question it. Allison was put on the first of the Raven drills, all cones in a line. Neil remembered just how much progress she had made over the course of these months, and something close to pride tugged at her as she threw herself completely into her pounding feet, and the constant thud of balls. They were the only things that had ever been able to save her from her own secrets and scars.
Notes:
imagine ur neil and not only is the strife that you imposed completely optionally is ruining not only your team, but now your japanese tutor is mad at you so the most annoying person in the world, kevin, has to teach you japanese. i had fun changing up the airport scene into something lighter. neil can understand kevin's past choices but not the ones he keeps making. also yes neil interferes where she doesn't in canon. obv aaron doesn't know about easthaven and just meant his overdose but neil is v sensitive about that so doesn't think that they don't even know
Chapter 20: happy birthday, junior!
Notes:
this chapter feels so strange altogether so like. bear with me. these chapters in canon are also weirdly paced lol
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil was on her way out of the bedroom after a shower when her phone buzzed. They had finished night practice as early as they had started it, and Neil was relieved to have an evening to herself. She patted her pockets, found them empty, and dug her phone out from under her pillow. Two messages were waiting for her, the most recent one from Nicky timestamped almost an hour ago, and the one she had been ignoring from Katelyn. Katelyn's was just a desperate "What happened???" that Neil didn't know how to answer.
Nicky's was a heads-up that Audrey was back. Neil guessed that she must have been staying with Wymack instead of hanging at the dorm, and then pushed it out of her mind. It was obviously just a thinly veiled plea from Nicky to make sure everything was okay. Neil stuffed her phone in her back pocket and left her room without a word to anyone. Nicky answered her knock within seconds, and didn't have to ask why Neil was there.
"She took a bottle and left again," Nicky said. "I don't know where she went."
There wasn't far Audrey could go with an open bottle of liquor in hand, and no car. "With Coach?"
"Don't think so," Nicky said. "Aaron left, too."
Neil didn't care what Aaron did. She just nodded and left, and Nicky didn't call after her.
She didn't make it more than a couple steps down the hall before the elevator opened. Looking back was instinctive. She had one second to recognize Aaron, and another to register the fury on his face. Then Aaron slammed into her like a freight train, and crushed her up against the wall.
Neil was so startled she could barely fight back, stuck in this same position time and time again. It was only Aaron, but the hands on her said otherwise. She took a glancing blow to her cheek, and a harder punch to the mouth before Aaron was spitting words into her face.
"Fuck you! What did you tell her?"
There was only one 'her' that could get Aaron this riled. Neil regretted not answering Katelyn's text, but she could hardly breathe, let alone shrug how she wanted to. Aaron hit her one more time before there were heavy hands that ripped them away from each other. Neil kept her eyes open, trying to keep herself locked onto the carpet, onto the walls that were right in front of her so she didn't slip somewhere else.
Aaron's yelling had drawn people from the nearest rooms. She knew some faces from passing them though times in the hallway and stairwell. Aaron made a violent attempt to get free, then settled for glowering at Neil across the hall. Neil tested her own restraints, and found them forgiving. It was just one man, a guy from the football team that gave her an apologetic look. She prodded the inside of her mouth with her tongue. She had chomped her cheek and tongue when Aaron punched her, not to mention the blood from her front teeth ripping open her lips from the hit itself. The second swallow wasn't enough to get rid of the taste of blood.
"I told her to make a stand," Neil said. "I did it before I found out whatever shit you have with Audrey. I might have been a little more considerate if I'd known how stupid you were."
"You had no right to drag her into this," Aaron yelled, the grips on him only tightening as he switched to German for privacy. After he had spread Seth's shit in front of all the upperclassmen and monsters, Neil wouldn't allow him that luxury.
"She finally made up her mind," Neil guessed. "And she doesn't want you, unless you get your issues sorted. Can you blame her? This is your fault."
"It's Audrey's," Aaron hissed. "I didn't think she would ever go so far, it's not my fault that she's lost her mind!"
Dorms weren't made to be soundproof, and the loud German finally got the Foxes' attention, Nicky was the first out into the hallway, but the upperclassmen weren't far behind him. Soccer players stepped aside to let them closer, but Dan and Matt held back to watch. Neil expected a lecture, but Dan looked from one to the other and said nothing. Neil didn't know if she was too surprised they were making a spectacle to intervene, or if she was still mad at Aaron for whatever role he had played in Allison's close call.
Nicky got as close to Aaron as he could and sent a bewildered look at Neil. "Do I want to know?"
Aaron made another rough attempt to get free. This time, the guy holding him let him go, though he kept his hands out in case Aaron went after Neil again. Aaron took a half-step back instead, like he couldn't stand to be that close to Neil. "Katelyn is refusing to see me or talk to me until Audrey and I get counseling."
Nicky's jaw dropped, but he sounded more admiring than anything. "Damn, Neil."
Aaron shot him a livid look. "Don't you dare take his side."
"Why not?" Nicky asked. "It's not like you've ever let me take yours."
Aaron shoved Nicky aside, and stomped for his room. Nicky grimaced at Neil, and went after him, Kevin was standing in the doorway, but he stepped into the hall to let them by. He hadn't understood a word they'd said, but the hard pull of his mouth was displeased. Neil stared back at him, trying to silently convey how little she cared about Kevin sulking.
Dan motioned to the athletes hanging onto Neil. "Thanks. We'll keep an eye on them."
Neil was released into her custody, and the small crowd slowly dispersed. Dan gestured for Neil to take the lead, but she shook her head. She needed a full breath before she passed out. Her vision was already starting to blur around the edges, so she pushed past all of them and into the stairwell.
Audrey's knife marks in the door were still there. She hadn't imagined the last time they were up there, then. Neil spilled onto the roof, already tearing at some of the tape on her chest. The left side came off faster, bringing the fresh sting of blood with it. The pain grounded her enough that her hands stilled long enough until she got the right one off. The gravel bit at her knees, and with the crumpled, sticky balls of tape in her hand, she sucked in a breath so deep she coughed it back up.
Had Aaron been right that morning? Not just Seth's overdose, but everything that came after? Aaron hadn't known, of course, but Neil knew. And Seth knew. Seth would have said something if it wasn't the case, right? Or did he think those months of hell with that doctor was Neil's fault? It would make sense, in some twisted way. That horror would never be one that Neil could shake, the pattern of assaults that always followed her. Of course it infected the Foxes too.
Seth had been hurt because of her. She knew that, but maybe she was saving herself from that context until just barely. She sucked in lung after lung of the night air, but it wasn't enough.
"Give me one good reason to not push you off the side."
Neil turned wretched eyes up to Audrey. She stood above her with, cigarette burning to its butt unassisted. Neil dimly scanned the edge of the roof and found the handle of vodka where she must have been sitting, some lingering sunlight glinting off the little bit that was left.
"I'd drag you with me. It's a long way down."
"I hate you," Audrey said. It was almost difficult to believe, since she sounded so bored by the concept.
Audrey walked back to her spot and took a swig from the bottle. The look she slanted Neil was both unimpressed and unconcerned. Neil was finally getting her breathing back under control, but that sent a spike of emotion through her. Audrey's glance was the invitation she needed to follow, and tuck her feet under her when she sat.
"Ninety percent of the time, the very sight of you makes me want to commit murder," Audrey said, almost conversationally. "I think about carving the skin from your body and hanging it as a warning to every fool who thinks they can stand in my way."
"What about the other ten?" Neil asked despite herself. Something about Audrey's flat tone was comforting in a way that was strong enough to hold onto.
Audrey ignored that. "I warned you not to put a leash on me."
"Don't waste our time threatening me."
"I don't think it was the money," Audrey said, and elaborated at whatever face Neil made: "Why they chased you so long. I imagine at some point, they realized it was far more important to hurt you than to recoup anything they'd lost."
"So you say, but you still won't hit me."
Audrey stubbed out her cigarette. "The time is fast approaching. Looks like someone got to you first, anyway."
Neil studied her face, looking for a hint of the earlier fathomless anger, and finding nothing. Despite Audrey's unfriendly words, her expression and tone were calm. Calm enough that it had calmed Neil completely in turn. She said those things like they meant nothing to her, and like they always had. Was Audrey hiding that rage from Neil, or from herself?
She didn't know.
She busied herself with bunching up the tape. It was beyond stupid, tearing it off like that, but she couldn't fault herself in the moment of panic. Her mother would berate her, rip out her hair, and leave more bruises than Aaron had, but there was a sort of comfort in it. The tape wasn't new, and was fresh out of a shower, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but the torn skin stung. Up there with Audrey, Neil knew the pain would be the only consequence.
"That was an invitation for you to elaborate," Audrey eventually said.
Neil shot her a look. "Why? Not like you're going to do anything about it. Our promise wasn't for protection anyway."
"I don't like people touching my things."
"Good thing I didn't," Neil said waspishly.
"What?"
"I didn't hit back. Your little group seems to have a thing for pinning me up against walls. It's like they know I won't fight back."
"Aaron's too much of a coward to hit you," Audrey snapped.
"Not if it's for Katelyn."
"Don't say her name."
"Why?" Neil asked. "Have you actually followed through on what you agreed to? Have you changed the deal with your brother yet?"
"I can't tell if this is some twisted fascination you have with the cheerleader, or if you just enjoy my suffering this much."
"Neither. You know I just want this team to work."
"Then go inside and bother the others now."
Neil feigned confusion. "Am I bothering you?"
"Beyond the telling."
"Interesting," she said. "Last week you said nothing gets under your skin."
Audrey said nothing, but Neil counted it as a victory. She skipped the third floor and went to the exit, feet already running. It didn't last long without her tape. Her sore chest was agony with every bouncing step. When her dying phone said it was nearly midnight, she finally made her tentative way back to Fox Tower. She was beyond stupid for running without her tape, but couldn't muster up anything other than a dull annoyance.
She showered, again, then found Renee waiting for her in their living room.
"Matt let me in," Renee said. "We heard you get in. The rest of them are playing a game in our dorm. They should be almost done, but I wanted to speak to you without them listening."
"What's up?" Neil asked, trying for casual and likely failing.
"I wanted to say thank you. For reaching Audrey when I couldn't."
Neil glanced at her, then nodded. "They're all under your protection?"
Renee nodded. "Kevin told Audrey the truth about the Moriyamas first. Audrey knew letting Kevin stay could mean serious consequences for the rest of us. She was willing to protect her own against the backlash, but she didn't care enough to fight for the rest of us. She gave them to me instead. One of the first things I asked last June was who was keeping you. She said she would know after a night out in Columbia."
"She regrets keeping me now, I'm sure."
"She doesn't believe in regret. She says it's grounded in shame and guilt, neither of which serves any real purpose." She examined Neil, then shook her head. "She said she wanted both of us to protect you. She said she failed on her first night, and wouldn't risk it again. I was more than happy to watch over you, even if you can hold your own. I still tried to take you off her hands completely at one point."
Neil looked at her in surprise, and Renee smiled innocently and entirely unconvincing. "She refused, on the grounds that she wouldn't wish you on anyone except a mortician."
"Drama queen," Neil muttered.
Renee gave a quiet laugh, and pushed off the counter she was leaning on. "Will you be alright here?"
Neil cocked her head to one side, listened for noises, only heard silence. That was more than enough. "I'm fine."
She saw Renee out, locked the door behind her, and headed to bed. Seth and Matt would likely sleep over, and if not, Neil could always unlock it. She was asleep before she even had to deal with it. The day had been excruciatingly long, and tucked beneath the comfort of her quilt, she knew where she was.
Morning came too soon, though, and with it came bad news: Campus had been entirely defaced, according to Wymack's call. Black paint covered buildings and sidewalks in thick sloshes, and the pond was stained bright red from dye. Rude graffiti tarnished the white outer walls of the Foxhole Court. Wymack didn't want the team stopping by to see it, but didn't want them hearing about it secondhand either. The facilities department was out and about, trying to restore everything as fast as possible. Wymack vowed to shred campus security as soon as he got them on the phone.
The second wave of vandalism brought the press running back, and a reporter finally got close enough to Wymack to put a microphone in his face. Wymack was too smart to go after the Ravens, so he settled for the fans.
"I think it's pathetic," he said, "What good do these cowards think they're accomplishing by lashing out at us like this? All they're doing is bringing negative attention and publicity to the team they're trying to defend. Let me tell you, it's a terrible look. It's past time the Ravens spoke out. How can you be the best team in the league if you have the worst fans?"
Edgar Allan's president, Louis Andritch, responded within the hour and made an obligatory appeal to Raven fans to cease such 'unruly' behavior. Tetsuji Moriyama released a harsher statement shortly afterward, condemning the attacks as both insulting, and unnecessary. It sounded suspiciously supportive until Moriyama finished with, "You cannot house train a dog by beating it a day late; it is not smart enough to correlate action and punishment. You have to discipline it the moment it misbehaves. Leave it to us to correct them on the court."
Dan seethed the rest of the day, but Moriyama's words got through to the fans. Monday dawned with no new disasters. Neil almost regretted it, because without outside distractions, the team was free to focus on their internal problems again. That morning at the gym, the boundaries were very clearly established. Dan and Matt spoke to Neil, but ignored the rest of Audrey's group. Allison acted like nothing happened, but noticeably stayed out of Audrey's reach. Aaron didn't so much as look in Neil's direction, and wouldn't talk to anyone, Nicky included. Neil caught a ride with Seth and Allison. Seth had been ignoring Audrey's group since he got back from Easthaven, except Kevin. That changed too, Kevin being lumped back into the group, and Neil doubted Seth would make an appearance at night practice. Neil could tell Kevin was pouting about it, when he remembered.
Audrey only spoke to Kevin, and only when necessary.
Kevin griped about the rampant discord for forty minutes of afternoon practice, then gave up chewing out his teammates and rounded on Neil.
"If you cost us our game because you couldn't keep your mouth shut–"
"You'll what?" Neil asked.
His expression darkened. "This is not the time for your attitude. Stop causing unnecessary problems before you ruin anything else.
Neil weighed all the possible responses to that and settled on, "Fuck you, cripple."
"What did you call me?"
"I called you a deadweight has-been. Start acting like that number on your face doesn't define you, and maybe this team would actually listen to you."
Kevin shoved her. Neil wasn't expecting it from Kevin, of all people, and hadn't braced herself properly. Neil fell to the ground, barely catching herself with her armored forearms. Seth immediately made towards Kevin, but Matt caught him. Neil pointed her racquet in warning at Kevin while she got to her feet. Kevin tried coming after her, based off Matt's fierce warning to knock it off mixing with Seth's swearing. By the time Neil reached the half-court line, Dan had gotten involved. It took several minutes of angry threats to calm Kevin down, but the questionable peace only lasted because Kevin and Neil resorted to ignoring each other.
As soon as they were dismissed for break, Neil went to the locker room for a drink. Wymack followed her up and stood just inside the back door. He planted his hands on his hips, and stared Neil down across the room.
"I'm really interested to know how this went from an us-and-them feud to an all-out war," Wymack said. "Popular opinion is it's your fault. That true?"
"I had good intentions," Neil said.
"I don't care what your intentions were," Wymack said. "We can't afford to lose Friday's game, not after what they did to us, and especially not after what Coach Moriyama said. I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not exactly in winning shape right now."
"I know," Neil said. I'm sorry about the timing, but I'm not sorry for anything I said."
"I don't want your apologies. I want this fixed as soon as possible."
"Yes, Coach."
"Speaking of timing," Wymack said, and put out a hand to stop her from starting for the door. "How's your mental clock doing? Does having a set schedule again help any?"
"Not as much as having them all here does," Neil said. "I'm not alone enough to get lost."
"Good," Wymack said. "Now come on. "Let's see if we can't salvage this mess."
Neil, though, got caught up between the upperclassmen, who were obviously less finishing their own water break, and more eavesdropping. Dan pointed at Neil. "Coach is right. Are we going to talk about this?"
Neil just shrugged. "You might want to avoid Aaron for a couple days."
"That was already the plan," Dan said. "What the hell is going on?"
"I'm doing what you asked me to do," Neil said. "I'm fixing them."
"That's not what it looks like."
"If a bone isn't healing straight, you have no choice but to break it. They'll be fine. We'll be fine."
"That's not exactly reassuring," Matt said. From you, fine could mean anything from 'I'm beaten to a bloody pulp but I can still hold a racquet,' to 'I just ate oatmeal for breakfast.'"
"Did you bet on them?" Neil asked. Realizing they couldn't possibly follow her line of thought, she said, "Aaron and Katelyn."
"Everyone except Audrey bet on them," Matt said. "It's not a matter of them working out, it's a matter of when."
She considered, then looked at Renee. "And you? What was your bet?"
"I only placed it when we met you in June," Renee said. "I said sometime after winter."
"Then they'll be fine."
None of them looked convinced, but it didn't matter. Neil made after Wymack back to the inner ring, the rest of them following her. Her teammates dispersed accordingly– Kevin stood alone near the court wall. Wymack's clipboard in hand, and rummaged through the day's notes. Nicky lounged on the steps leading into the stands, and Neil spotted Aaron about twenty rows up. Audrey and Renee were making their usual lap around the inner ring, and hadn't gotten far. Seth seemed like her most likely candidate as he jogged ridiculously slow laps. Neil sighed, and joined him.
"My aunt lives in Binghamton," he said.
Neil said nothing, but didn't stop him. She would have preferred he said nothing at all, but she was the one joining him. Seth took that as the invitation that it was, and continued. "She lives with her wife. We cut her out of the family when they started living together right outta high school, I guess, but I don't know. With this whole thing, I wanted to reach back out to her. We've sent a few letters back and forth now, like some bullshit pen-pal."
"What 'whole thing?'" Neil asked.
Seth stared at her, then waved a hand. Neil turned to see who the wave was aimed at, then asked, "Renee and Audrey?"
"No. Well, Renee, yeah. Al's trying to get in her pants, I think."
Neil stared at him until she remembered to close her mouth. "I thought… I thought you two were still on-and-off dating?"
Seth rolled his eyes. "Are you fucking blind, rookie? We broke up for good before Christmas. We didn't even go to Christmas break together."
"Oh," Neil said. "Huh."
"Yeah, anyway. If we don't get knocked out, we should be set to play the Bearcats sometime. She said she'll come see the game, and she'll introduce me to her wife. I want you to come."
Neil groaned. "Why do you and Allison treat me like a fun little toy?"
"Because that's what you are. You're the perfect size."
Neil groaned again, since clearly the first time wasn't enough, then sped up her pace until Seth couldn't keep up. Seth only laughed.
Wymack called his team to the Home bench, and restarted practice with a blistering pep talk. He got through to the upperclassmen first. When he cast them onto the court for scrimmages, Dan swallowed her resentment long enough to pull Aaron and Nicky aside. She and Matt had a couple of ideas they wanted the backliners to try, so they held an impromptu powwow on the first-fourth line. Aaron listened because he had to, but he didn't look at Dan and didn't say anything.
The only real issue that day, she was surprised to discover, was Katelyn. The Longhorns' game was the final day she had worn makeup, so the fresh bruises were highly recognizable for what they were, since Katelyn hadn't seen the damage from Evermore. Aaron's hits didn't matter to anyone on the team– they were all Foxes. Katelyn, though, gasped immediately when she saw them. Neil had forgotten about them for a moment, so turned around, looking for something until she remembered.
"Neil, what happened?"
She thought about lying for a moment, but she wasn't here to mend Aaron and Katelyn's relationship, only Audrey and Aaron's.
"Aaron," she said. "He didn't like me meddling, apparently, and wanted to make that very clear."
"Aaron hit you?" Katelyn clarified, something unidentifiable burning behind her eyes.
"Yeah," Neil said, then shrugged. "He caught me off guard."
"Then let's get through your homework fast. I need to kick some sense into that boy."
Neil had the fastest Japanese lesson of his life before he watched her stalk away. She didn't need to be told twice, just in case Aaron showed up early to their post-tutoring meeting spot, and quickly left the library.
Tuesday was fractionally better, and that was only because Dan's group was making an active effort to get along with everyone. Aaron was unmoved by their act. Neil itched with curiosity about what Katelyn must have said to him after basically fleeing their tutoring session. Nicky clung desperately to any hint of warmth he could get, which oddly enough, wound up with Nicky, Neil, Seth, and Allison forming a very strange third group of their own. Kevin spent an hour tearing into the cousins, then directed all angry energy at whipping the upperclassmen into shape. He spared only a few caustic words for Neil, and Neil didn't waste so much as a single word on him.
Wymack disappeared for a break, and the four of them immediately broke off together. Allison and Nicky fell in debating what shoe brand was better, although Neil wasn't exactly following. Seth was more reserved, so Neil had nothing to say. She had their company, and the company of Audrey's burning stare that she felt on her back occasionally. Apparently, though, her silence wasn't good enough. Allison pushed her by the shoulders until she was doing some close approximation to a dance.
"Just pretend," Allison said. "Yeah, there, stand on your toes. Nicky, lead him."
Nicky, who apparently knew how to do some form of ballroom dancing, started leading Neil. Already precarious on her toes, Neil was led in half-assed maneuvers until Wymack blew his whistle.
Wednesday, though, she knew would be Audrey's therapy day. Neil was waiting with baited breath. Sure enough, when Matt and Seth spilled into the hallway to meet with Audrey's group to give them a ride, it was only Kevin and Nicky.
Just to be sure, Neil looked at Nicky with a raised eyebrow.
"He said he was catching a ride with Audrey today," Nicky said and shook his head.
"To the court?" Seth asked.
Neil took in Nicky's wide-eyed expression and tried to erase the smugness in her voice when she said, "To Dobson's. Aaron's probably sitting in with him."
"No shit," Matt said, startled. "You think so?"
"Crazy, right?" Nicky asked. "I said I didn't know Audrey agreed to it, and Aaron said Audrey didn't know what he was actually planning. Aaron hasn't come back yet, though, so either he's dead in the parking lot, or he pulled it off. Guess he got tired of Katelyn avoiding him? Speaking of, one of these days I want you to tell me how you roped poor Kate into it all."
"I asked," Neil said.
"There goes that asking thing again," Matt said. "Does it mean something different where you come from?"
"Most of the time, yes," Neil said.
The unexpected honesty startled a laugh from Matt. Both twins were missing from the beginning of afternoon practice, and Neil felt probably a bit more smug than the situation likely warranted. Without their antagonism throwing up roadblocks, it was easy for the Foxes to mingle. Neil, however, was left to explain to Wymack where Aaron was. Wymack responded by assigning the Foxes extra laps. Neil expected at least Nicky to grumble about it, but Nicky was so floored by his cousins' questionable progress, he shouldered the work without complaint.
When they got back, Aaron was back to his shtick of ignoring everyone. They had to notice the intense scrutiny they were subjected to upon their eventual arrival, but neither one acknowledged the attention. The Foxes weren't suicidal enough to ask how it'd gone. Audrey looked unruffled, but Aaron's expression was downright vicious.
Wymack looked from one to the other. "Is this going to be an ongoing thing? I need to know how to plan around you."
"No," Audrey said.
"Yes," Aaron said at the same time, and flicked Audrey an irritated look.
"Okay," Wymack said, and that seemed to be it.
Another difference came when the team broke off into their now-designated groups; Audrey said, "Neil."
So Neil jogged over to the goalies. They were making slow laps around the court, and seemingly arguing. It was obviously something they had been going at for a while, deciding what would be a likely starting point for World War III, but Neil didn't mind just listening. There was something inside her constantly tugging her towards Audrey. Neil wanted Audrey's attention. Even if she didn't have it all the way, simply hearing her speak so much loosened at least one of the knots in Neil's stomach.
Renee expected the war to start over resources, particularly over water shortages, whereas Audrey was convinced the US government would get involved in the wrong conflict and draw vicious retaliation. There wasn't enough time left in break for either one of them to win the other over, and since Neil wouldn't play tiebreaker, they set the debate aside for the next day. Neil found herself with an odd feeling of relief. It wasn't that she regretted or didn't mean anything she had said about Aaron, but she was glad not to have to argue anymore.
Thursday, though, the goalies invited her again. Wymack dismissed them, and Audrey immediately set off down the length of the court wall. Renee glanced at Neil. She wasn't sure it was an invitation, though, until Neil started towards her and was given an approving smile. She was keenly aware that they were attracting attention as they set off after Audrey, but Neil didn't look back at anyone.
Renee was distracted. She was fading in and out of the conversation to check her phone and tap out quick replies. Neil picked up a little of her slack, because they were planning evacuation routes and critical supply stops in case of a zombie invasion. Surviving on the turn was Neil's forte and, even though it was a ridiculous scenario, it was interesting to see how her priorities compared with theirs. Renee stressed the importance of collecting survivors, which Audrey shot down immediately.
"You wouldn't go back for anyone?" Renee asked.
Audrey turned her hand over. "I can count them on one hand."
"I think Coach would be good in a fight," Renee said as they passed the benches again. Wymack glanced their way, hearing his name, but only needed a moment to realize they weren't talking to him. "He's got a weapons permit, too."
"He sold the gun when I kept breaking into his apartment," Audrey said.
"What about Abby?"
"What use is she to me?" Audrey asked. "You can't bandage a zombie bite, and she wouldn't let us execute the infected. Coach wouldn't let her leave his sight, anyway. Let him keep her safe as long as he can. All the rest of the medical stuff can be handled by Aaron or Neil."
Renee conceded the point with a nod, and a glance to Neil's direction. The conversation moved on to less crazy ideas. It stuck with Neil, though, and she tuned out their next debate. She wondered what she would do if an invasion really happened. Neil was used to cutting all ties and hitting the ground running. Chances were, it'd be instinctive to abandon all of them if the undead put in a ravenous appearance. It wasn't exactly an uplifting realization, but Neil could accept the ugly truths about herself.
"Oh," Renee said, checking her newest message. "Excuse me."
She cut away from them and went up the stairs, phone already at her ear. Audrey slanted a look at Neil as they continued on without her. "Jean. Care to explain that?"
"I didn't know Kevin would actually pass his number along," Neil said, looking over her shoulder. Renee didn't go far, just a couple rows where she could make her call in relative privacy. Audrey said nothing, so Neil shrugged. "He seemed interested in her when we saw the Ravens at the banquet. It's not that Jean has blind loyalty, like Kevin did, it's that he has nowhere else to go. I'm hoping she can prove that."
"Drive back with us."
Neil slid her a glance, and found her expression impassive.
"Have you heard back from the shop?" Neil asked, stalling. "Matt got a call this morning saying his truck would be ready for pickup tomorrow. Allison should have hers back Saturday morning. Can they fix yours?"
Audrey shook her head. "The damages were worse than they originally seemed. Be glad no one looked in the trunk."
"You're going to have to replace it," Neil guessed. "If the insurance company won't cover a replacement, take the difference from me. You know I have enough for it."
That finally landed Audrey's eyes on her, albeit in a frosty glance. "I'm uninterested in your charity."
"It isn't charity," Neil said. "It's revenge. It wasn't my money in the first place, remember? I told you my father skimmed it from the Moriyamas. If you take some for your car, you're making Riko replace what his fans destroyed."
"Revenge is a motivator only for the weak-willed," Audrey said.
"If you believed that, you wouldn't be holding Aaron at arm's length after all this time just for mourning Tilda."
"This is not revenge," Audrey said. "This is me keeping my word, even if he can't. Besides, I told you not to talk about this again and you've already stayed in my business far past your welcome."
"Then just take the money," Neil said. "You bought the last car with someone's death. You can buy this one with someone's life– mine. That money was going to buy my next name when I ran away from here in October. Thanks to you, I don't need it anymore."
"Your life has a price tag you are already paying." Neil had to glance away so Audrey didn't see the truth of that statement on her face. "You cannot barter away the same thing twice."
"You've lost the right to call me difficult," Neil huffed. Audrey shrugged that off, so Neil said, "Make a new deal with me."
Audrey tipped her head, considering that. "What would you take for it?"
"What would you give me?" Neil asked.
"Don't ask questions you already know the answer to."
Neil frowned, thinking. Wymack's whistle ordered them back to court. If Neil already knew the answer, then it must have been something Audrey had already said. That meant no deal about Aaron, surely. Audrey's eyes were on her for most of practice. She was waiting, Neil guessed, for Neil to come up with a suitable trade. There were so many different ways to mess this deal up.
Common sense said to push for a faster reconciliation with Aaron, but that was already on its way. Any more meddling, and Audrey would shut her out completely like Aaron already had. She didn't like the timing, but it would have to work out anyway. Neil should ask for something that would strengthen the Foxes, like permission to restart the group dinners and movies they had occasionally. It felt like a waste of a chance, though. Halloween had been surprisingly easy to talk her into. Though, following Kevin's logic of using what a person wanted against them– well. She didn't know what that meant in regards to herself.
Neil shook that off as counterproductive. Her mind, though, caught on Eden's Twilight.
After practice, she caught up to Audrey outside. Neil didn't have to say a word. She flicked a hand at the rest of her group to keep walking to the car, and flicked out a cigarette. They stood in the shade of the ticket booth, when she finally asked, "Come up with something?"
"I want you to stop taking cracker dust."
"And she says it isn't a righteous streak."
A little thrill went through her at Audrey acknowledging her like that. She.
"If it was righteousness, I'd ask you to give up drinking and smoking too," Neil said. "I'm only asking for this one thing. You haven't even done the last thing I asked you to. Dust doesn't have any effect on you anyway, and it's an unnecessary risk. You don't need a third addiction."
"I don't need anything," Audrey reminded her.
"If you don't need it, it will be easy to give it up," Neil said. "Right?"
Audrey thought it over a minute, then flicked her cigarette at Neil. It singed the material where it bounced off her shirt. Neil ground it out under her shoe when it hit the asphalt. The cool look she flicked Audrey was wasted; Audrey had already focused on something ahead of her.
"I'll take that as a yes. I'll bring that money to your room tonight."
"Will you? Rather, can you? Aaron doesn't want you in the room anymore, Nicky says. Something about you inviting yourself to fights that aren't your concern."
"You wanted me to drive back with you anyway."
"You still will."
Neil pressed her smile away with her fingertips. The bruises there from Aaron were healing, but still twinged. "I thought you hated me."
"I do."
She squinted at Audrey. The lack of eye contact felt less like cold apathy and more like avoidance.
"You hate me," Neil checked.
Audrey raised an eyebrow.
Neil didn't elaborate, waiting for Audrey. She would either ignore it or answer. That was proved correct when Audrey said, "Every inch of you. Doesn't mean I wouldn't go down on you."
The world tilted a little bit sideways. Neil dug her shoes harder into the sidewalk so she wouldn't fall over. "You like me."
"I hate you," Audrey corrected her, but Neil barely heard.
Neil tried to piece it all together and found too many pieces that she hadn't even known she'd had. It could be a lie, but Neil knew it wasn't. Audrey was a lot of many unpleasant things, but a pathological liar wasn't one of them. Honesty suited Audrey because she was an instigator at heart, and her opinions were often unpopular.
It took Neil three tries to find her voice. "You didn't say anything."
"I'm saying something right now. It doesn't matter, though. Nothing will come of it."
"Nothing?" Neil echoed.
"I am self-destructive, not stupid. I know better."
Neil shoved a hand in her pocket, and pulled out her keys. "You've already trusted me this far. You trusted me with Kevin."
Audrey's expression didn't change. "And?"
"Trust me to make my own decisions."
Audrey gestured at Neil's tattoo. "Because that's worked out so well for you."
She shook her head. "It's confusing for me because you're different. I don't know what it is, but there's something I can't explain yet."
"It shouldn't matter to a girl who doesn't swing."
Neil shrugged. "I don't because I've never been allowed to. When I was a kid, it was only something that I hated being forced on me, and the only thing I could think about growing up was surviving. Letting someone in meant trusting them in every sense, so it was easier to be alone and not think about it. But I trust you."
"You shouldn't."
"I do anyway. You don't have to do anything with that information, but now you have it. I want to think about it a bit more, but it doesn't change whatever this is."
"There is no this."
Good. Audrey had posed it as a purely sexual offer, just like she had given Renee. At least when Neil died in May, it wouldn't hurt her.
Right on cue, someone in Audrey's rental laid on the horn. Neil didn't spare Audrey another glance as she jogged towards the car and took the saved spot for her in shotgun.
Neil was silent all the way back to the dorm before she finally pushed it out of her mind completely. There were too many things to focus on, and she didn't need the confusing weight of it. It shouldn't have been confusing at all, honestly, but even thinking of Audrey offering that to her sent her pulse skyrocketing until she was able to push past it completely. She couldn't think about that at all, and spent the rest of the day trying to keep her thoughts anywhere but.
Especially with the game on the horizon.
The next morning, Neil woke before any alarm. She laid still for a minute, then rolled over and switched her own alarm off. She flipped her phone open to stare at the date. It was Friday, January 19th. Neil Josten would turn twenty on March 31st. Today, Nathalie Wesninski turned nineteen years old. Neil had never made it a habit of celebrating, but each birthday she was alive for deserved a moment of silence. She rubbed her thumb over the date on her small screen and made a wish that they'd win against Belmonte.
Neil knew she went to her classes, but she didn't learn anything. She wrote down what her teachers said, but didn't absorb a single word. She stuffed her notes into the bottom of her bag, ate a flavorless meal alone at the athletes' dining hall, and returned to Fox Tower. She passed a couple volleyball players that wished her enthusiastic luck, and remembered to thank them. She thought she thanked them, anyway. She didn't know. She couldn't focus when she was forcing her thoughts onto the game.
The Foxes didn't have afternoon practices when they had home games, so Neil had a lot of time to kill. She tried studying but got nowhere, then tried napping to no avail. Her thoughts were a terrible mix of dread of the day itself, but always circled back to what Audrey had said to her. By the time they left for the stadium an hour out from serve, she was going crazy.
The locker room smelled faintly of bleach and window cleaner. Neil had never understood the point of cleaning the locker room before a game, but a small crew came by every day. The smell was usually gone by the time the Foxes showed up for practices, but Neil assumed game day campus traffic had slowed them down. It explained why Wymack was sitting on the entertainment center instead of in his office. Wymack claimed he was allergic to cleaning materials. Abby thought it was an uncreative excuse for the unkempt state of his apartment, but Wymack stubbornly maintained his story.
Wymack watched the team go by, likely hoping for a sign they'd made peace. Each practice that week had gone a little better than the one before, but they weren't quite where they needed to be. Neil and Kevin started talking again on Thursday because there was only so long they could ignore each other. While the upperclassmen couldn't yet bridge the boundary, they seemed to accept the necessity for violence, at least in the sense that Audrey had already set her expectation about those that were hers. Neil realized, oddly enough, that they half seemed to be following Neil's lead on the matter. They still thought of Audrey as a half-cocked sociopath, incapable of regretting her actions or understanding their anger, but they were civil.
Aaron, on the other hand, was an unmoving stone of loathing in the Foxes' midst, a speed bump tripping them up as they tried to find their feet again. Neil didn't know how much longer to tolerate such immature animosity before giving Aaron another hard prod. She wished Nicky had more influence over his cousins, since their rooming situation meant Nicky had more chances to lean on them. Even Kevin would be an acceptable ally, but Kevin only defied Audrey when it came to Exy. He wouldn't get involved in their personal problems.
There wasn't time to worry about it anymore that night; Neil would have to sort it out over the weekend. She pushed the twins from mind and followed the men into the changing room. She twisted her combination into the lock on her gear locker and pulled the door open. There was a split second of unexpected resistance, then a sharp pop of something breaking.
And then– blood.
It exploded in her locker, triggered by the door opening, and Neil recoiled as it cascaded over everything inside. The smell of it was so thick, it clogged her throat and choked her. Neil's shock only lasted for a white-hot second before panic took over. She dove at her locker, grabbing for her uniform and gear. It was too late and she knew it, but she had to try. Her jersey squelched in her hands like a swollen sponge, spurting blood all over her fingers. She dropped it, and scrambled for her helmet. Her fingertips grazed hard plastic, but couldn't latch on before someone grabbed her.
"No," Neil pleaded as she was hauled away. "Wait!"
She dug her feet in, but the tread of her shoes were soaked and slid across the ground. The blood had hit the bottom of her locker, and was now spilling onto the floor in a swiftly-spreading puddle. Hanging from the top of her locker was an empty plastic bag, rigged to tear open when the door pulled too wide. It looked big enough to hold at least two gallons; it was more than big enough to destroy every single piece of gear Neil owned.
"Matt," Seth said, and Neil realized he was the one holding her. "Go get Wymack."
Matt nodded and left, with Nicky bolting after him. Neil elbowed Seth as hard as she could, but Seth was expecting it, and didn't drop her.
"Fuck, kid," Seth groaned. "What do you want?"
"My gear," Neil said, and Seth let her go.
She fell to her knees and frantically unloaded everything, piece by piece. She couldn't tell her home and away jerseys apart. Even the padding on her armor was wrecked. Neil picked her helmet up, and turned it to watch blood slide off the hard plastic face guard.
"Neil?"
Neil dropped the helmet to the pile at her feet and punched the back of her locker. Her fist hit plastic instead of metal, and Neil wrenched the broken bag off its hook. When she turned to throw it too, Seth caught her wrist. Neil tugged free, or tried. She was shaking too hard, with her heart pounding too loudly between her temples. Finally, Seth met her eyes and dropped her hand.
"It's ruined," Neil said, voice ragged with an awful rage. "It's all ruined."
Wymack burst into the room with Nicky and Matt on his heels. The sight of so much blood stopped him short for a moment before he strode for Neil. "Is that yours?"
"Coach, my gear," Neil said. "It's–"
"No," Seth said over top of Neil. "It's not his."
"Peroxide," Neil said. "Does Abby have any in her office?" When Wymack just looked at her, Neil started for the door to find some herself, but Wymack put an arm out to stop her. "I need to clean my clothes before the blood sets, or I won't have anything to wear tonight."
"And I need you to derail that one-track fucking mind of yours for two seconds and focus on the fact that you are covered in someone or something's blood. Are you okay?"
Neil already had her mouth halfway around an 'I'm fine' when the locker room door banged open again, and a half-dressed Audrey stalked over to Neil.
"Neil," Audrey said, voice too flat.
"It's not his blood," Nicky said quickly.
"What happened?"
"There was blood in his locker," Seth said. "Calm down."
"Neil," Wymack said, and Neil latched onto it. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," Neil said.
"Here, I have an extra towel," Matt said, and dug one out of his open locker. He hurried to the bathroom to soak it in the sink but jerked to a stop as he was turning back to them. His startled voice echoed off the bathroom walls. "What the hell?"
Neil knew better than to look, but she went anyway. Wymack and Audrey were right behind her. Neil followed Matt's gaze to the far wall and felt her stomach bottom out. Written in blood across the tile was a bold message: "Happy 19th Birthday, Junior!"
Neil's head filled with static and screams. The strident mumble in the background was out of place and it took Neil an eternity to realize that sound was coming from her teammates. She understood their anxious tones, but she didn't understand a word they were saying. Fear trailed icy claws over her stomach and crawled up her throat. Neil closed her eyes for two seconds, and breathed. She couldn't deal with this now. She couldn't; she wouldn't.
She grabbed the fledgling sense of panic and buried it deep, the same way she had smothered her broken heart long enough to burn her mother's body. She would have to react to this later, but if she did it now, with all of the Foxes as her witnesses, she was going to lose everything.
The world came back into focus in jagged pieces, just in time for Neil to hear Wymack mutter something about calling the police. Neil grabbed his elbow before Wymack turned away and squeezed so hard she felt bones creak.
"Coach," she said, as calmly as she could. "You're going to have to leave them out of this one. Okay? Let's just get through the game. I'll clean this up afterward. No one else has to know."
"Give me one good reason not to cancel the game and pull security in here," Wymack said.
"I can't give you that yet," Neil said, slanting a look at him. "I told you to wait until May."
Seth jerked at that, in Neil's periphery, but Neil ignored it. She willed Wymack to remember the promise she had made on New Year's Eve when Wymack challenged her lies and scars. She hadn't told Wymack she was on the run, but she'd cut it close enough Wymack should have put the pieces together. Neil needed him to remember that now, and figure out the obvious: Riko's men wouldn't have left evidence behind, but Neil had prints all over the place.
Wymack said nothing, but studied Neil with a disquieting intensity. Neil let go of Wymack and took the wet towel from an unresisting Matt. Her lungs felt like they were pulling tight as she crossed the room to her birthday message. She breathed shallowly, so as not to set off her gag reflex and scrubbed the letters off the wall. There were enough clean patches on the towel afterward for Neil to wipe her hands off. She came back to the others and dropped the towel in the sink to worry about later.
"Neil," Matt said.
Neil didn't want to hear it. "Change out, Matt."
She went back into the main room and considered her locker. It didn't take long to realize none of her teammates were moving. Matt was still frozen by the sinks. Wymack and Audrey stood in the bathroom doorway, with Seth just behind. Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky were by their lockers. Neil could feel all eyes on her. She felt like the truth was written on her skin for all of them to see. The message only said Junior, but she expected someone to call her by her name anyway.
Neil looked around at them and focused on the one most likely to help her salvage this. "Kevin," she said, forcibly willed half of her to stretch back to an eleven year old Charlotte in Paris for French when the words wouldn't come. "Get them moving. We've only got forty minutes until serve."
"Can you play? Kevin asked.
"I'm angry, not injured," Neil snapped. "I'm not going to let this keep us from winning tonight. Are you?"
Kevin considered her for a moment, then turned a caustic look on their teammates. "Get moving. We have a game to win."
"Shut the fuck up, Kevin," Seth snapped.
"You have to be joking," Matt said, moving closer. "You're really going to ignore the fact that this just happened? Neil looks like a Carrie stunt double. You don't even want to get security up here while the scene is still fresh?"
"No," Neil said. "I don't."
"You're joking," Matt said.
Neil looked at him, willing him to understand. "Riko is an egotist and an asshole. He wants us to react to this. If we do, he wins. Don't give him that satisfaction. Pretend this never happened, and focus on the Terrapins."
It took Wymack only a few more moments to pick her side. "No one's changing in here. Get your gear and get out. You can have the girls' room when they're done with it. Audrey, stop standing around in your bra and go finish changing. Neil, I'm giving you one chance tonight. If I think your head isn't in the game, I will pull you so fast you'll get whiplash and Seth will take your place. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Coach," Neil said.
Wymack glanced at the mess one more time, looking a little like he hated himself for siding with Neil. Finally, he shook his head and dug Neil's clothes from the small mountain on the floor. "I'll get Abby cleaning this. Someone loan Neil another towel."
"Thank you," Neil said.
"Shut up," Wymack said, and stormed out with Audrey on his heels.
A terrible silence descended in the locker room. Nicky handed Neil a spare towel, and eventually, all the men filed out of the changing room. Matt was the last to go, and he hesitated when he realized Neil wasn't moving.
"I'll wash up in here," Neil said, and gestured at her wretched appearance. "I don't want to track this any further than I have to."
Matt accepted that without argument, and left Neil in peace. Neil looked at her locker, then resolutely looked away and went to wash up. She stared at the ground as she showered, and watched the red slowly fade from the water. Even when the water ran clear, she felt like she was dying inside. She washed three times before giving up.
As soon as the water cut off, Wymack called to her from out of sight. "Matt went back to Fox Tower to get you some boxers and socks. I brought the spare gear in, but you'll have to figure out what fits best. I'll bring back your uniform when it's clean. Sit tight until then."
"Yes, Coach," Neil said again, voice rough.
She listened for the door to close behind Wymack, and dried off in her stall. The Foxes had a couple sets of backup gear leftover from years when the line was a little bigger. Renee had scrounged armor from there when subbing in as a backliner this past fall. Most of the gear was adjustable, but only to a certain degree. It took Neil trial and error to pick a complete set from the pile that Wymack had left her. Then there was nothing to do but wait.
It felt like forever before Matt made it back; game night traffic made the short trek to Fox Tower much longer than it should have been. Neil was jarred from her dire thoughts when someone knocked. She slid off the bench and went to investigate. The gear she'd put on made it impossible to fit the towel around her body. Instead of wrapping it around herself, she held it up by her neck and let it hang in front of herself.
Neil opened the door just far enough to realize it was Matt in the hallway, and was startled into saying, "You knocked?"
Matt gave her an odd look. "Abby said she still has your uniform."
It wasn't the first time the Foxes had gone out of their way to accommodate Neil's privacy issues, but they usually had time to think it through. Matt was late for warm-ups because of Neil and shaken by Riko's awful trick. Despite that, she'd remembered not to barge in.
"Thank you," Neil finally said, and took the clothes Matt squeezed through the doorway. Matt had brought her an entire outfit, so she would have something to wear after the game. The thought of Matt going through her things made her skin crawl, but Neil fought off that instinctive fit of nerves.
"No problem," Matt said. "Need anything else?"
"A clear shot at Riko and no witnesses," Neil said.
Matt grinned like he thought Neil was joking and left. Neil closed the door behind him, and tugged on her underwear and socks. She carried her shoes to the bathroom and rinsed them off in the sink. There was only so much she could do. Blood had soaked into the liner inside. Neil could wear them tonight, but she would have to replace them as soon as possible. Neil could pull her shorts on over her shoes, so she toed into her shoes and tied them. She paced the locker room, watching the clock so she wouldn't have to see the blood.
Finally, Wymack showed up with her uniform. "We did what we could, but we're going to have to get you a complete new set. I'll order it tonight, and get it here express."
She handed it over and set to work rolling her sleeves up. Neil had gotten blood on her shirt when she grabbed Wymack's arm. It took Wymack a bit of tugging to hide all of it. Neil thought she should apologize, but she didn't think Wymack would let her. Instead, she squeezed excess water from the hem and sleeves of the jersey.
"It's as dry as we could get it," Wymack said, looking at the splatter of water against the floor. "Matt brought back one of the girls' hair dryers, but Abby didn't want to use it for fear of setting the stain."
"If anyone asks, I'll tell them it was a pre-game prank," Neil said. "It's technically the truth."
Neil finished getting dressed. Wymack gave her a once-over, deemed her fit for public scrutiny with a very unconvincing nod, and shooed her out. The team had already finished warm-ups and stretches. Neil took a couple laps on her own while Wymack ran the team through a pre-game spiel. Wymack was done by the time Neil came back, and Neil abruptly became the center of attention.
"Are you sure you're okay, Neil?" Dan asked.
"I'm sure we have a game to win," Neil said. "Worry more about that, and less about me."
They were let onto the court for drills. Neil focused so hard on each and every one of her moves as to not think of anything else. By the time starting line-up took their places for serve, Neil was so lost in herself and the night's game she had almost forgotten what transpired in the locker room. The ghost of it still clung to her, even if she wouldn't acknowledge it, and it egged her to go harder and faster. Neil had a yellow card before halftime. She expected Wymack to use it as an excuse to pull her, but he said nothing.
The Foxes played the second half like they had everything to lose. Neil used the passing and shooting skills Kevin had taught her and slipped in some of the defensive footwork she had learned with the Ravens. She was playing as some unholy mix between Day and Moriyama, and she was all the better for it.
The Foxes won, eight-give, and the crowd almost blew the roof off with their racket. The Foxes took their celebration to goal, because Audrey wouldn't come to them. Nicky and Renee had hooked her into the partying last season for that reason, but true to form, she stayed a disinterested spectator on the outskirts while the Foxes jumped and yelled a few feet in front of her. Somehow, Kevin got around everyone else to say something to Audrey. Neil couldn't hear it over her teammates' noise, but Audrey's dismissive gesture said she wasn't concerned with Kevin's approval.
They shook the Terrapins' hands as quickly as they could, and booked it off the court. Wymack and Abby were waiting for them, Wymack with a grin, and Abby also all smiles. Wymack's glee only kicked up Dan's excitement another notch, which had her running at the crowd with Nicky and Matt in her wake. Wymack let them go, clearly putting press duty onto them, and ushered the rest of them into the locker room. Neil wished she could have forgotten the mess that was waiting for them.
"Do you have a mop I can use?" Neil asked.
"Shut your face," Wymack said. "You're not dealing with that right now. We just won."
"Eight-give," Allison said, as if Neil had already forgotten. The edge in her voice betrayed how angry she still was about all this. Neil didn't flinch at the next words out of her mouth, but it was a near thing. "I guess you can consider that your birthday present from the team."
"Allison," Renee said.
"No," Allison said, and stabbed a finger at Renee, but kept her eyes on Neil. "I've hit the limit of bullshit I can tolerate. I need to know how much worse this pissing contest between Neil and Riko is going to get."
"We're going to talk about this, but not until everyone's here," Wymack said. "Go get washed up. We'll go in turns again. Ladies first. I'm instating a new team rule where everyone is required to be happy after a win,, You downers are going to suck the life out of me before my time."
There was nothing to say to that. Wymack threw his hands up in defeat and left. Once Dan showed up with her two followers, the girls broke off for the showers first. Neil tuned out the piteously pathetic conversation that Nicky mustered with Kevin, and only moved when Dan came to get them.
She was the last one dressed, as usual, and she found her teammates waiting for her in the lounge. Wymack was standing in front of the entertainment center with his arms crossed over his chest, Abby hovering in the doorway. Neil was tempted to continue past her outside to skip the conversation entirely, but she doubted anyone would let her. She sat quietly next to Audrey.
Wymack took that as his cue. "First off: the massacred elephant in the room. I called in a favor with the faculty and got Abby access to the microscopes in the science labs. We needed to make sure that wasn't human blood."
"Morbid," Nicky said.
"But necessary, considering who we're dealing with," Wymack said, then shook his head. "The last thing I want is to put you all at risk. The court is supposed to be a safe place for you, but I've failed to protect you. I have half a mind to install cameras in here, in the public areas, but I won't do that unless everyone agrees. If we do rig something up, the only ones who will see those tapes are the people in this room right now. I want people in our business as much as you do.
"Which leads me to my second point: Neil asked us to leave the authorities out of this. I respect him enough to allow that, but it's not up to just me. Are you going to be okay with that?"
"You're really just going to let Riko get away with this?" Dan asked.
"He wouldn't have done this if he thought he would get caught," Neil said.
"Maybe we can't get him, but we could get his middlemen," Matt said. "No one's perfect. Everyone leaves a trail."
"You'd know all about that," Aaron said, making Neil's blood go cold. "Wouldn't you, Junior?"
Neil only had time to register Aaron's dark expression and braced for the worst. When it came, though, it was worse than she expected.
"They'll never find proof that Riko was involved in this, but they might find you, right? That's what this is all about, isn't it? Your looks, your languages, your lies– you're running from something, or someone."
That biting demand was a sucker punch, knocking the breath from Neil's lungs, and crushing her stomach to her spine. The silence that followed felt infinite. Neil was sure her teammates could hear her heartbeat; it was pounding so loud she felt it in every inch of her skin. Their stares were piercing enough to peel up every disguise she had ever worn. Finding her voice was an act of desperation. Keeping it calm took every ounce of energy she had left.
"You know, I expected low blows and backstabbing from the Ravens. I thought Foxes were better than that. No," Neil said, when Aaron opened his mouth again. "Don't you dare take your issues with Audrey out on me. I know you're mad at me for getting Katelyn involved, but you're going to have to get over that."
"You dragged her into my business. I'm dragging them into yours. Not as much fun when someone does it to you, is it?" Aaron asked.
"You're so stupid," Neil said. "I went into your fight because I knew how to help. You're doing this because you think it's going to hurt me. Great, so you did. Does that make you feel big and strong? Did it make you feel better? You hit me when I'm already down because you're a spineless asshole and you're too afraid to take it out on the person you're actually mad at. Sound familiar? You're the same as your mother."
"Neil," Dan said, shocked.
"Fuck you," Aaron said, "I'm still waiting for an answer to my question."
"And I'm still waiting for you to stand up for yourself for once in your life. Do you love Katelyn? Why drag it out another three years when you can fix it now? Or what, you're scared Audrey will hit back? You're too scared that someone will hit you again, and you'll do nothing but take it?"
"You don't know anything," Aaron said, low and acidic.
"I know that you won't break the deal for Katelyn because you're a coward. You're only brave enough to open your mouth when you know Audrey will stop anyone from hurting you. If you ever get up the courage to break the deal, I'll be the first one there and you'll find out what it feels like when I hit back."
"No," Audrey said, then spoke in German. "You won't touch him. Ever. Even if I change the deal, he's still one of mine."
"Then change it," Neil said, "Or were you lying to me when you said you would?"
Audrey stared at her twin hard. Aaron eventually looked away, and Neil knew Audrey had won whatever staring match the twins had. Neil still jerked her chin at Aaron.
"Katelyn did that just because I asked her to," Neil said, and hoped her next words weren't a lie. "Imagine what will happen if I actually try convincing her."
That time, she was expecting Aaron's swing. She ducked the first first, and caught the second on her forearm. That caught Aaron off guard, and by then, Seth and Wymack had time to grab Aaron by the arms. Dan was yelling, and so was Seth, but Neil ignored them. Aaron jerked once, then twice, and when he finally got free, he stalked out of the room.
"Well, as enlightening as that was," Allison said, her enthusiasm dripping with scorn, "it doesn't answer the original question. What does Riko have on you?"
Lying, at this point, wouldn't work, considering Aaron's bold accusations. Neil opted for honesty. "He knows who I am."
It took them a moment to realize that was it, and Matt prompted Neil with, "Uh?"
"Neil's family has a reputation," Kevin said, unexpectedly coming to Neil's defense. Neil looked at him, willing him to silence even as she forced her face into neutrality. Kevin didn't return her stare, and just said, "Riko is trying to use it against Neil."
"Is it going to be a problem?" Dan asked.
"No," Neil said.
Allison arched a brow at her, and gestured over her shoulder, presumably to the wrecked changing room. "Sure about that?"
"Yes," Neil said, but no one seemed convinced, so she tried to balance her truth with lies. "Riko knows who I am because our families operate in similar circles, but he is a Moriyama in name only. He doesn't have the resources to do more than threaten me. He won't bring enough attention to me, either, because if they catch actual wind of me, then he loses his toy."
"That's fucked up," Seth said.
"Your parents must be something else if even Riko's got to follow the rules," Matt said. "Aaron was right, then? This is what you're supposed to look like?"
"Yes."
"Why lie about your age, though?"
"Easier to hide," Neil said. "Being eighteen in Millport meant that my teachers and coach didn't have to consult my parents for anything. Telling you the truth meant having to explain why I lied in the first place, and I'm not used to trusting people. I don't want you to judge me for my parents' crimes."
"As if we have room to judge anyone," Dan said, and Neil shrugged in silent apology. She must have stifled her visible curiosity, though, because she said, "That's it for now. Coach?"
"Cameras okay with everyone?" Wymack asked, taking the conversation over. "Yes? I'll have them up over the weekend. We'll talk about their locations and the game on Monday afternoon. Resolve these internal issues, and never bring these attitudes to my court again. Understand?"
The Foxes mumbled assent, then shuffled out of the stadium at Wymack's command. Neil had her arm linked by Matt, since she was barely paying attention to the wild crowd outside. She wasn't paying attention to anything except her racing heartbeat and thoughts of her father. The soft buzz of her phone distracted her, and Neil tugged it out of her pocket. There was a new message in her inbox from an unknown number with an unfamiliar area code.
49
Neil gave it a minute, but nothing else was forthcoming. She deleted the text, and put her phone away. The upperclassmen must have sensed her need for silence, so she got to ride alone in Matt's truck all the way back to the dorms. Neil only brushed her teeth before she curled into bed and counted as high as she knew in every language. It did nothing to help her sleep. But at least it kept the demons at bay for a little longer.
Notes:
neil: yeowza i am never going to be normal again after finding out that Audrey wants me
neil: oh right yea i forgot im being hunted by my serial killer father
Chapter 21: boundaries; coordinates
Notes:
at work rn and this poor kid is snoring so loud i can hear it through my airpods, godbless. can't stop thinking about this form of them later down the line. obviously i didn't quite picture them as they are here but somehow this neil w the freedom to grow her hair out is devastating to me idk
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When the sun came up, Neil gave up pretending to sleep, and got out of bed again. She went for her usual run along Perimeter Road and took the turn-off to the court. The usual security guards were making their rounds. Neil trusted them less today than she had yesterday, which was still none, but now that she knew how easy it was to get past them especially. She let herself in with her keys after making a wide loop around every security, and flicked the lights on as she went into the changing room.
She pushed open the door, already rolling up the sleeves of her sweatshirt, then hesitated halfway into the room. The mess was gone, and the floor was spotless. Neil looked over her shoulder, but the place had been dark when she'd shown up. She was the only one there. She crossed the room to her locker, and tugged the lock undone. Her locker was clean and empty.
It was half past seven, which meant Wymack had been up for hours. Neil straddled one of the benches and called him. Wymack answered on the second ring by saying, "I don't know what amazes me more: that your phone is actually turned on, or that you're awake this early on a Saturday morning."
"Coach, the changing room is clean."
"Yeah, I know. Abby and I took care of it last night after you left."
"I'm sorry," Neil said, "I was going to clean it this morning."
"Didn't I tell you not to worry about it?" Wymack demanded.
"You told me not to deal with it yesterday," Neil said.
"Whatever. You can make it up to me later. Actually, what are you doing now that I've ruined your morning plans? Nothing?" He waited for Neil's affirmative, then said, "You can sort through files with me instead. I"ll lug them over and grab breakfast on the way. Or did you eat already?"
"Not yet," Neil said. "I'll wait here."
Wymack hung up. Neil looked at her open locker again, then migrated to the lounge to wait. She walked the length of the walls, studying the photographs Dan had put up over the years. Neil never saw Dan add to it, but the collection had grown to include a couple dozen shots from that year. The majority were of the upperclassmen, since Dan rarely had a chance to catch her younger teammates off the court, but Neil spotted several from Halloween, and a couple stray pictures of their team dinners in November and December.
Right near the corner was a picture that Neil didn't recognize at all: a shot of Neil and Audrey alone. They were bundled up in their matching coats, and staring each other down barely a breath apart. It took Neil a moment to place it; the people packed into the background didn't look like a game crowd. The windows finally gave it away. Dan had taken this at Upstate Regional Airport on their way to play against Texas. Neil hadn't even realized she'd been watching them.
Neil had gotten caught in a couple of her group pictures, but this was the only one up that had Neil's natural looks. Dan had even caught Neil on her right side, so the bandage over her tattoo wasn't showing. It was a picture of Nathalie Wesninski. Neil hadn't cut her hair since coming to Palmetto, and the way it curled down the back of her neck was reminiscent of the curls she'd had when she was small. It was plain as day to her. Neil reached out to tear the picture down, but stopped as soon as she caught hold of the edge.
She had come to Palmetto State to play, but she had also come because Kevin was proof that a real person existed behind all of her lies. In May, both Nathalie and Neil would be gone, but in June, the picture would still be there. She would be a tiny part of the Foxhole Court for years to come. It was comforting, or it should be. Neil didn't think comfort should feel like such a sick knot in her stomach.
Luckily for her, Wymack showed up then. He had a brown paper bag hanging from one hand, and a box stuffed with papers in his arms. Neil got the door behind him, so Wymack could put his things down. Wymack looked around the lunge a moment, then put the TV on the ground, and shoved the entertainment center closer to the couches as a makeshift table. Neil watched him lay out folders in four stacks. When Wymack tossed the empty box aside, Neil opened the closest folder for a peek. It was a profile sheet, with an unfamiliar picture on it.
"Potential recruits," Wymack explained. "We need six minimum."
"Six," Neil echoed as she knelt opposite. "That's almost doubling the line."
"Not by choice," Wymack said. He pulled bagel sandwiches and juice from the brown bag, and split the haul with Neil. "It was one of the conditions of us staying in the game when Seth was on the outs and your guys were all fresh off being attacked. The ERC doesn't like how close we've cut it this year, and they don't want to keep bending the rules. I promised it would never happen again. That means filling up on subs next year."
Wymack checked each stack, then pushed one toward Neil. "The girls are all going to be fifth-year seniors, so we need at least three bodies training to replace them. In total, we're looking for two strikers, two dealers. A backliner, and a goalie. Find me some potential and we'll narrow it down later."
"Shouldn't Kevin be doing this with you?" Neil asked.
"You choose the first cut, and he'll do the second. I'll make the final call."
Neil looked at the stack of files in front of her. She took a fortifying few swallows of her juice, then got to work. Seeing it from Wymack's perspective was helpful, but by the time she was nearing the end of the stack, she could admit it was only intuition.
It took half the morning to get through the would-be strikers, but Neil finally had a stack ready for Kevin and Wymack to pore through. Wymack set it on the ground by his knee, and put the rejected files back in the box.
"Anything else?" Neil asked.
"Free to go," Wymack said. "You need a ride?"
"I'm fine."
"Uh-huh," Wymack said without looking up. Neil let it go and gathered their breakfast trash. She was almost to the garbage before Wymack spoke up. "By the way, I'm making you vice-captain next year."
Neil's heart lodged in her throat. She twisted to stare at Wymack, but it took two tries to find her voice. "You're what?"
"Dan's gotta leave eventually," Wymack said. "She needs a replacement."
"Not me," Neil said. "You should be asking Matt or Kevin."
"Talented players with more experience, sure, but they don't have what this team needs. Do you know why I made Dan captain?" Wymack glanced up at Neil and waited for Neil to shake her head. "I knew the moment I saw her that she could lead this team. It didn't matter what her teammates thought of her; it didn't matter what the press thought of her. She refused to be a failure, so she refused to give up on this team. That's what I needed to get the Foxes off the ground.
"You're the only one here who can succeed her," Wymack said. "Didn't you notice? They're uniting around and behind you. That's something special. You're something special."
"You don't even know who I am."
"The hell I don't," Wymack said. "You're Neil Josten, a nineteen year-old recruit from Millport, Arizona. Born March 31st, five-foot-three, right handed, stick size three. Starting striker for my Foxes, and most improved freshman striker in NCAA Class I Exy."
"No," Wymack said, getting louder when Neil started to interrupt. "Look me in the eye and tell me if you think I care who you used to be. Hm?" Wymack stabbed a finger up at her face, then jabbed it into the table. "I care about who you are right now, and who you can be going forward. I'm not asking you to forget your past, but I am telling you to overcome it."
"I can't captain them," Neil said. "I won't."
"This isn't a democracy," Wymack said. "You don't get to vote on what you do or don't want to do. I make the rules, and you get to deal. And you are going to deal with it. You need this as much as they need you. Give me one good reason why you'd try to turn this down."
"I–" Neil opened her mouth, but she couldn't say that she would be dead by May. She couldn't tell Wymack she wouldn't even live long enough to take the position. "I have to go."
She was afraid Wymack would argue, but all he said was, "See you on Monday."
Neil thought she would be able to breathe easier once she got out of the stadium, but her chest was still too tight when she stumbled out onto the sidewalk. She stared at the empty parking lot, heart pounding in her temples. The thought of going back to Fox Tower and facing her teammates right then made her stomach hurt. There was nowhere else to go, though. She should run it off, burn herself down to fumes until she couldn't think or feel anymore, but Neil's feet stayed planted on the sidewalk. Maybe they knew she wouldn't stop if she ran.
She sank to the curb to buy herself time, but her thoughts kept twisting in anxious circles. Neil felt a half-second from losing her mind, but then Audrey said her name, and Neil's thoughts ground to a startled halt. She was belatedly aware of her hand at her ear, and fingers clenched tight around her phone. She didn't remember pulling it out from her pocket, or making the decision to dial out. She lowered it, and tapped a button, thinking maybe she'd imagined things, but Audrey's name was on the display, and the timer put the call at almost a minute already.
Neil put the phone back to her ear, but she couldn't find the words for the wretched feeling that was tearing away at her. In three months, championships would be over. In four months, she would be dead. In five months, the Foxes would be right back there for summer practices with six new faces. Neil could count her life on one hand now. On the other hand was the future she couldn't ever have: vice-captain, captaincy, then Court. Neil had no right to mourn the missed chances. She had gotten more than she deserved that year. It was selfish to ask for more.
She should be grateful for what she had, and more still that her death would mean something. She was going to drag her father and the Moriyamas down with her when she went, and they'd never recover from the things she said. It was justice when she'd never thought she'd get any, and revenge for her mother's death. She thought she had come to terms with it, but that hollow ache was back in her chest where it had no right to be. Neil felt like she was drowning.
Neil found her voice at last, but the best she had was, "Come and get me from the stadium."
Audrey didn't answer, but the quiet took on a new tone. Neil checked the screen again, and saw the timer flashing at seventy-two seconds. Audrey had hung up on her. Neil put her phone away and waited, forehead jammed into her knees.
It was only a couple minutes from Fox Tower to the Foxhole Court, but it took closer to fifteen minutes for Audrey to turn into the parking lot. She pulled into the space a couple inches from Neil's left foot, and didn't bother to kill the engine. Kevin was in the passenger seat, frowning silent judgement at Neil through the windshield. Audrey got out of the car when Neil didn't move, and stood in front of her.
Neil looked up at her, studying Audrey's bored expression and waited for questions she knew wouldn't come. That apathy should have grated against her raw nerves, but somehow it steadied her. Audrey's disinterest in her psychological well-being was what had drawn Neil to her in the first place; there was lots of comfort knowing that Audrey would never flinch away from whatever poison was eating Neil alive.
"I can't be here today," Neil said.
"We were almost to the interstate," Audrey said.
It was the most half-hearted invitation to come along that Neil had ever heard, but she didn't care. Audrey had turned around and come back for her without hesitation. That was more than enough reason to get up and go with them. Neil climbed in behind the passenger seat, and stared out the window. Kevin glanced back at her, but said nothing, and Audrey got them moving before her door had even slammed all the way closed.
They didn't ask what was wrong, so Neil didn't ask why they were going to Atlanta. They were the longest two hours of Neil's life, but the silence and illusion of escaping Palmetto helped Neil put her head back together. By the time they made it to Alpharetta, she had sunk into a comfortable numbness. Last night's sleeplessness started to catch up with her, and she let herself nod off. She woke up when Audrey's phone rang, but Audrey was only on the call long enough to say, "Don't."
A couple minutes later, they pulled into a dealership. Kevin got out as soon as Audrey parked. She killed the engines and tossed her keys in the now-empty passenger seat.
"Get out or stay here," Audrey said. "Those are your only choices."
Running wasn't an option, she meant. Audrey knew why Neil had called her.
"I'll stay."
Audrey got out and slammed the door behind her. Neil watched her disappear through the front doors in search of a sales rep, then closed her eyes and fell back asleep.
When she woke, there was a shining black beast parked alongside the rental car. Neil wasn't any smarter about cars now than when she had arrived, but every curve of this one screamed expensive. Neil assumed Audrey did with this purchase what she had done with the last: looked for whatever car would burn through her budget the fastest. It was a perplexing quirk for a woman who claimed to have no attachments to her material possessions. Neil would have to tell Seth to expect less cash if he ever wanted the contents of her safe.
Audrey opened the back door, and looked across the backseat at Neil. "Kevin?"
Neil scrubbed the sleep out of her eyes and indeed her buckle. "I have nothing to say to him. He can ride with you."
Audrey shut the door again, and Neil moved up to the driver's seat. Audrey pulled out of the lot first, and Neil followed her back to the interstate. They stopped at a gas station with a fast food joint attached. Neil wasn't hungry, but she filled the largest available cup with coffee while the other two ate. She sat in the opposite booth to sip on it and stare into space. Kevin glanced at her occasionally as they ate, but said nothing, likely attributing her odd mood to yesterday's fiasco. Audrey gazed out the floor-to-ceiling windows at her new car. Neil was grateful to feel something other than panic bubble in her chest, even if it was a weird sense of fondness.
The ride back felt much shorter, even though they had to pass Palmetto to drop the rental car off in Greenville. The rep checked the car for damage, turned the engine on long enough to see how much gas was in the tank, and had Audrey sign off on a couple forms. Then, there was nothing to do but return to campus. Neil thought she had been away long enough to be okay, but the first sight of Fox Tower out the window left her feeling tired.
They took the stairs up, and Neil didn't stop at the third landing. The soft tap of footsteps said Audrey was following her, but the hall door banged closed as Kevin headed for his bedroom. Audrey caught up with Neil when Neil stopped to fight the rooftop access door. She had two cigarettes out and lit before they were even outside. Neil took hers, and carried it to the front end of the roof. She sat as close to the edge as she could get, hoping that jolt of fear would distract her from dire thoughts, and looked out at the sprawling campus.
Audrey sat beside her, and held something up. Neil looked, but it took a minute before she understood what Audrey was offering her. The dealership had given her two keys for her new ride, and Audrey was giving the second one to Neil. When Neil took too long to take it from her, she dropped it on the concrete between them.
"You can only have so many issues," Audrey said. "It is just a key."
"You're a foster child. You know it isn't," Neil said. She didn't pick up the key, but pressed two fingers to it, learning the shape and feel of this newest gift. "I've always had enough cash to live comfortably, but all the decent places ask too many questions. There are background checks and credit checks and references, things I can't provide on my own without leaving too much of a trail. I squatted in Millport. Before that, I stayed in decrepit weekly hotels, or broke into people's cars, or found places that were happily paid under the table.
"It's always been go," Neil said softly. She turned her hand palm up, and traced a key into her skin with her fingertip. She had toyed with Audrey's house keys so many times she knew every dip and ridge by heart. "It's always been lying and hiding and disappearing. I've never belonged anywhere, or had the right to call anything my own. But Coach gave me keys to the court, and you told me to stay. You gave me a key, and called it home. I haven't had a home since my mother died."
Neil clenched her hand, imagining the bite of metal against her palm, and lifted her gaze to Audrey's face. Audrey bore it only a moment before she dug a finger into Neil's cheek, and forcibly turned her head away. "Don't look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren't mine."
"I'm not looking for an answer. I just want–"
Neil gestured helplessly, unable to finish that plea. She didn't know what she wanted; she didn't know what she needed. The past twenty-four hours had kicked her feet out from under her, and Neil still couldn't find her footing. She didn't know how to make that ache go away, or how to silence the voice whispering unfair in her ears.
"I'm tired of being nothing," Neil said.
Neil had seen this look on Audrey's face once before, when she and Audrey had called a truce in Audrey's car last summer. Neil fed her half-truths to buy her acceptance, but it wasn't vague descriptions of her parents' crimes and deaths that got through to Audrey. It was the bone-deep jealousy of Kevin, her loneliness, and her desperation. After everything they'd been through these last few months, Neil finally knew what that look meant. The darkness in Audrey's stare wasn't censure; it was perfect understanding. Audrey had hit this point years ago, and broken. Neil was hanging on by a fraying thread, and grabbing at anything she could to stay afloat.
"You are a Fox. You are always going to be nothing." Audrey stubbed out her cigarette. "I hate you."
"Ten percent of the time you don't."
"Ten percent of the time I don't want to kill you. I always hate you."
"Every time you say that, I believe you a little less."
"Ninety-one percent."
That got a smile out of Neil. All the pressure on her chest today was slowly seeping away. Audrey made her feel settled, and real. When Neil looked at her, though, it must have been too much, since Audrey pushed her face away again. Neil offered the rest of her half-burned cigarette, which Audrey reluctantly took, then brought to her mouth. Neil's smile only tugged wider, and she scooted her legs forward enough to lay back and stare at the sky. The cement under her was frigid, but it only made slow progress of seeping through her coat, so she shut her eyes and decided she didn't mind.
Neil didn't know how long it had been when Audrey flicked her in the forehead. She squinted one eye open, which made Audrey roll her eyes, but she still said, "Don't fall asleep on me, Rabbit. I won't wake you up, and your imminent frostbite will be your own fault."
"If I didn't get frostbite in Canada when I was sleeping outside without a coat, I'm not going to get it now."
"Your continuous survival astounds me."
Yet, Neil felt Audrey's warm, dry hand slip into hers. Neil welcomed it with a squeeze.
"I will take that as a compliment."
"You would."
"I do. I still have my nose, and all of my toes are intact."
"You can have frostbite without losing extremities. That's only for the worst cases."
"Oh." Neil thought about that, then shrugged. "Then I've probably gotten frostbite before. Still, I'm very far from that, and you would be too. Lay down with me. Don't tell me you're afraid of getting your butt cold."
"Neil."
Neil blinked her. Had she fallen asleep? She didn't think so. No, Audrey was just getting her attention. Audrey extended a hand, hovering it above Neil in a question. Neil tilted her head, and Audrey huffed and withdrew it.
"No," Neil said, giving their interlocked hands a small tug. "What? I just didn't understand."
"Yes or no?"
Neil only had half a second to decide that what it was would be worth it, rather than having to argue, so she said, "Yes."
Audrey hesitated for only a moment, seemingly evaluating the truth of her yes, then carded soft fingers through Neil's hair. She started slow, pushing back the curls that had spilled over Neil's face, and then pushing her hand through it all. It was tangled, of course. Neil hadn't brushed it out after last night's game, not wanting to linger with the blood, then she had slept on it and had gone about her day as normal without a thought for it. Audrey didn't seem to mind, though. Any time her fingers met a knot, she took the time to comb each out without pulling.
"Tell me about your car?" Neil asked.
She couldn't see the expression that must have registered on Audrey's face, but she heard the definite sound of irritation. "All that money and you don't even know what model it is."
"Nope," Neil agreed.
"You spend years on the run and you never learn to identify cars?"
"I can identify cars. Shiny black sedan is just all I need to say and you'd know which one I'm talking about."
"Shiny black sedan," Audrey repeated. "That does not count as identifying. That barely counts as having eyes and using them."
"Someone told me that my learning curve is a horizontal line. If you want me to learn what it is, you'll have to tell me."
"It's a Maserati."
"I didn't know Italians made cars."
"You are aggravating."
"Sure," Neil agreed. "Doesn't mean your Maserati isn't a shiny black sedan."
Audrey gave an annoyed tug at Neil's hair. Neil immediately flinched away, already pushed up on her elbows, but it was only Audrey in front of her. They were on Fox Tower's roof. They were safe.
Once Neil got her heart to slow down, she forced some of the tension out of her shoulders. "I don't like my hair being pulled."
Audrey stared at her for a moment too long before she was moving. Neil's hand snapped out and caught onto the thick wool of her coat as Audrey dropped the hand she was holding.
"Wait," Neil said, sitting up. "Audrey–"
Audrey pried Neil's hand off her coat.
"Let go. I am not doing this with you right now."
She practically shoved Neil's arm away from her, and leaned back out of Neil's space. Neil hadn't realized what a warm presence she had been until she was gone. Audrey dug out her pack of cigarettes, standing while Neil slowly pushed to a sitting position. Audrey had a new tension in her shoulders, and a violence in each of her short movements. She thought she should say something, but she didn't know where to start.
The behaviors in the last few minutes and the retreat were equally bewildering, and left Neil fumbling.
Audrey only managed one drag before she crushed her cigarette beside their first pair. She lit a third anyway, but Neil slowly pushed to her knees, then reached and took it from her. It was a good sign, maybe, that Audrey didn't react to the theft. Neil set the stick beside the others, then looked back at Audrey. Audrey checked her pack off to one side of the roof, then jammed her hands into her coat pockets.
"Why?" Neil asked.
"Because you're too stupid to know where your boundaries are."
Neil blinked. "I know where they are, I just wasn't expecting you to pull my hair."
"It's too late. It doesn't matter anymore."
"So, what?" Neil asked. "You messed up one time because I wasn't clear, and now we're both going to suffer forever for it? Audrey–"
"No."
Neil shut her mouth over her own argument, and clenched her teeth. Audrey's hand, held out to stop Neil, didn't move from where it was held out between them. She waited, and eventually, it dropped. Audrey said, "If I'm going to do anything like that, or anything more, then I'm going to need to know where the line is ahead of time."
Neil wanted to nod, to agree, but she said, "I might not know where all the lines are. I'll try my best, but a lot of the… a lot of the stuff that's happened, I don't remember."
"Then I won't do anything. You can either give me a solid yes with clear lines drawn, or nothing will happen. I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be."
She opened her mouth, closed it, and tried again. "The next time one of them says you're soulless, I might have to fight them."
"Ninety-one percent," Audrey said. "Going on ninety-two."
It wasn't funny– none of it was– but that response was so obnoxious and so typically Audrey that Neil couldn't help but smile. She forced it off of her face before Audrey noticed, and looked out at the campus.
For the first time that day, maybe for the first time that rocky week, she could breathe without feeling like her chest was pulling too tight. As her tension seeped completely away, the weight of Neil's exhaustion came back, but this time it was genuine tiredness. She hadn't slept last night, and had only snatched an hour's rest in the car. Sleeping now would throw the rest of her weekend off, but Neil didn't care. She scooped up Audrey's key and got to her feet.
"Hey," she said, too soft, so Audrey didn't look at her. "Thank you."
"Go away, before I push you off the side."
"Do it. I'd drag you with me," Neil reminded her, and left Audrey to her thoughts.
By some miracle, her room was empty. Neil still closed the bedroom door before changing into sweats. She set her alarm to wake her up around dinnertime, then pushed it back when her thoughts kept her up for another hour. She dragged her hand out from under the blanket, and unclenched her fist to inspect her newest possession. The key's teeth had left indents along the flesh of her thumb. Neil worked the key onto her keyring beside Audrey's old car key and watched them sway without really seeing them.
She gave up fantasizing about any sort of relationship shortly after her mother beat any interest brave enough to stick around after her father's house out of her. She had heard of other girls, usually in Canada or in Millport, complaining about having needs, but Neil had never found that problem. Maybe refusing to want anything was a coping mechanism. She couldn't have anything, so there was no point resenting the absence that came with it. Paranoia helped reinforce that mindset over the years until keeping people at arm's length was the only logical thing to do.
Befriending the Foxes was inadvisable but inevitable. Whatever was starting to be between Audrey and her was unthinkable, and went against everything she knew. Neil hadn't meant to toe that line, or invite Audrey across it. Maybe that's why it seemed as if Audrey was making such a big deal out of Neil's boundaries. Neil had only had a handful of strict rules from her mother, and she had broken them. Audrey, though, used words and promises as currency. It was hardly a difficulty, either, making sure that she wanted whatever Audrey was allowing her. Audrey wasn't like Nicky, who would wheedle and argue and protest if Neil said it was a bad idea. She knew anything she said would be taken at face value. If Neil turned her down flat, as she had just experienced, Audrey would never ask why or bring it up again. It would be like nothing ever happened, and Neil could live out the last few months of her life in peace.
But was starting something with Audrey peace or cowardice? Would avoiding it be survival, or cowardice? Neil could tell herself all day long what the smart thing to do was, but if she really cared about what was smart, she wouldn't have come here in the first place. She had long ago accepted her end in May. Neil had been doing one stupid thing after another all year long, and this had turned into the best year of her life.
That wasn't reason enough to accept anything yet, since Audrey hadn't yet offered anything, but Neil wasn't willing to reject it either. Time wasn't something she had a lot of, but it was going to take more than these frazzled moments to figure it out. Neil knew she wasn't in the right mind to decide one way or another. Like she had said, she couldn't remember half the things that might send her into a spiral. She would have to come up with any sort of boundary for Audrey to believe her in the first place.
She stuffed her keys under her pillow and rolled onto her other side, like that would change anything. She told herself not to think about it right now, but her skin still felt the weight of Audrey's touch.
Neil distracted herself the only way she knew how, counting as high as she could in every language she knew. She didn't remember falling asleep.
She didn't know how long she was out before her phone hummed at her. The new message in her inbox was from an unfamiliar number, and all it said was '48.' Neil deleted it, and would have passed out again if not for the muffled sound of a TV in the next room. Neil searched for the strength to face the upperclassmen, and found it closer than it had been this morning. With a quiet sigh, she kicked her blanket off, shut her alarm off, and climbed down from the loft.
Dan sat tucked against Matt's side on the couch. Seth wasn't anywhere to be found. Dan snatched up the remote and cut off the TV as soon as she spotted Neil in the doorway. "We wake you? Sorry."
Neil shook her head. "I shouldn't sleep this late in the day anyway."
She went to get a glass of water from the kitchen, and snagged one of Seth's protein bars. She expected Dan and Mat to go back to whatever she had interrupted, but when she returned to the living room, the TV was still dark. There was a silent conversation in the looks Matt and Dan sent each other. Neil didn't know which one of them won, but Matt shook his head and looked across the room at Neil.
"We wanted to throw you a birthday party," Matt said. "It doesn't seem right, having a birthday and doing nothing for it. Renee thought it was a bad idea, though, to the point that she called Audrey for backup. She took her side."
Neil remembered a phone call waking her up as they turned into Alpharetta. Audrey had only listened for a moment before turning them down. Neil quietly took back every suspicious thought she'd had about Renee recently. Her serene veneer would probably always have her second-guessing and remembering her true colors, but she always had understood the little things when it mattered most.
"Thank you, but they're right," Neil said. "I'd rather pretend it didn't happen."
"What if we skipped the party and just bought presents?" Dan asked, and sighed when Neil shook her head. "Fine, but if we let this go, we're going to do something crazy on March 31st, deal?"
"Define crazy," Neil said.
Dan smiled like she hadn't spoken. "Deal?"
"Deal," Neil said.
"Good," Dan said. "Now, come on."
Neil joined them on the couch, and they turned their show back on. She might have forgotten all about the text that woke her if she didn't get a '47' from a new number the following evening. Neil looked down at her phone in consternation as she realized someone was sending her a countdown. She pushed her schoolwork aside in favor of the calendar hanging from the kitchen fridge. She counted days with her fingers skimming, flipping pages until March. For a moment, she thought she'd get to Neil Josten's birthday, but she landed on Friday, March 9th. It was an odd day to end on. It was the last day before Palmetto State's spring break. There was a game that night, but it wasn't one of the championships' two death matches.
Neil checked her phone again, debating whether or not to respond. In the end, she deleted the text, and went back to conjugating Spanish verbs.
The rest of the Foxes didn't find out until Monday apparently, that Audrey had replaced her wrecked car. Neil hadn't expected Audrey to say anything, of course, and Kevin was as likely to talk about it as he was to think about anything other than Exy. Nicky, though, trailed Neil across the parking lot, yammering away about a project he should have finished by that day, but was only halfway done with. When Audrey stopped walking, Nicky did too, but since Nicky didn't see the rental car, he kept talking. He stopped when Audrey opened the driver's door. Nicky looked, did a double take, and nearly fell down when he jumped back. Neil nodded to herself. Nicky didn't know.
"No way!"
His yelp got the other's attention, and Matt was, predictably, the next to react. He bolted past Neil to stare at the car. "What are you doing with a Maserati?"
"Driving it," Audrey said, like it should be obvious, and got in the driver's seat
Matt reached for the hood with both hands, but didn't touch it, like he thought his fingerprints might ruin the perfect exterior. The blatant awe on his face had Neil looking to Audrey. She met her gaze through the windshield, but didn't hold it for long. She reached for the door to close it, but Matt darted around to put his hand in the way. He leaned over to look inside, owl-eyed and rapturous. Nicky had fewer reservations about putting his hands all over the car, and he made a slack-jawed lap of it.
"But when–" Matt asked. "And how–?"
Allison was less tactful. "Did she steal it?"
Dan hissed at her to keep her voice down, but Allison shrugged her off. Behind her was Seth, who was staring at Neil, and not the car. He raised an eyebrow at her, and Neil gave a small jerk of a nod. Seth flashed Neil a smile that seemed a bit too smug, and turned to get in Matt's truck.
Matt, though, beckoned to Audrey. "Start it up! Let me hear it!"
Audrey obediently twisted the key in the ignition, and the car came to life with a quiet roar. Matt threw his hands up and spun away like he was orchestrating a symphony. Audrey closed her door, so Matt wheeled back to Dan, sputtering facts and statistics that went way over Neil's head. Neil glanced at Aaron to gauge his reaction. Aaron looked torn, as if he wanted to be awed by the prestigious ride, but couldn't let go of whatever grudge he had long enough to be excited.
Kevin was rarely impressed by wealth and he had been there when they bought the car. He didn't have the patience to put up with his teammates' antics, and he swept them all with an annoyed look.
"Don't make us late for practice."
"Whatever!" Nicky said, but he scrambled into the backseat. Once Aaron and Kevin had climbed in on either side of him, Neil took her spot in the front, and shut her door in time to hear Nicky say, "But seriously, Audrey, where did you get this thing?"
"Georgia," Audrey said.
Nicky sighed but didn't ask again.
Neil bit down on a smile.
Something was different and unsteady between Audrey and Aaron in a way that it hadn't been yet. They still weren't talking, though. Neil stayed out of Aaron's way as much as possible, but the rest of the Foxes filled in the gaps as best they could. Riko's cruel prank last Friday brought out an unnecessary but well-meaning streak in the upperclassmen. Even Kevin made an effort to be more tolerable, maybe because he had seen how shaken up Neil was on Saturday.
Neil could have told them all that she was fine, but they were playing together better than they had in a week, and she didn't want to rock the boat. The Foxes had one more game to get through for the first round. Their back-to-back wins meant they had secured their spot in the death match, but they weren't willing to take it easy that week.
Neil tried stuffing Exy into every scrap of free time she had. She brought SUA tactics and line-ups to class with her to hide under her textbooks, and she met Kevin at the dining hall for lunch to argue plays. Despite the active effort she made to focus on Friday's game, her thoughts kept derailing without warning. Whenever Audrey crossed the room, Neil's gaze followed. Every time Neil took her keys out of her pocket and saw the newest addition to her set, she remembered Audrey's soft touch detangling her curls.
Neil looked at Allison, Dan and occasionally Renee to see if she saw them any differently, but nothing had changed. Neil didn't know what that meant, but she knew it still wasn't the time to figure it out. She should wait until next week, when the Foxes had a week off before the death match.
A distraction from Exy came in hard and fast, though, in the form of Audrey Minyard. Neil had her head ducked low over her assignment as Katelyn's pencil made careful characters. Neil chewed on her thumbnail, Katelyn twirling a pen through her hair. Neither of them were quite sure how to talk to one another while the Aaron thing continued, but if Katelyn was willing to ignore it, then so was Neil.
Audrey stalked over. Neil glanced up at her, then looked back down. Katelyn noticed a few seconds later, and jumped so hard she dropped her pen. Audrey flicked her a cool look, and kept coming.
"She wants you to follow her," Neil said, when Katelyn didn't seem to recognize that as a summons.
Katelyn shot a panicked look in Neil's direction, but Neil only shook her head and motioned after Audrey. Audrey turned her stare on Neil too, so Neil sighed and pushed to her feet.
Audrey must have checked the library layout before coming, because she cut through rows of aging reference volumes to a section so obscure there were no browsing students. Neil noticed the isolation immediately, and eyed Audrey's armbands. Audrey turned at the end of the row, sized up the empty corner just a couple steps away, and waited for Neil and Katelyn to catch up.
Katelyn made the mistake of stopping too close to her. She barely had time to cry out before Audrey caught her shoulder and threw her at the wall. Neil winced at the sound she made as she slammed into it. She stumbled, but didn't fall, and turned to stare wide-eyed at Audrey.
"Please," she said. "Please. I–"
"Shut up," Audrey said. She snapped her arm out like a barricade, and the slap of her hand against the wall near Katelyn's head made her cower. "Don't speak. The sight of you is intolerable as it is. The sound of your voice tips the scales out of your favor."
Neil took a careful step toward them, trying to convey silent support, but Katelyn was too afraid of Audrey to look at Neil. Audrey leaned forward to get in Katelyn's face, and jabbed a finger into her temple.
"You are a tumor," she said. "I should have cut you out and thrown you away when you were still benign. Now it's too late, so here we are." Katelyn made a tiny, terrified sound, and her eyes darted to Neil. Audrey seized her chin, and forced her attention back to her.
"Audrey," Neil said. "Don't touch her."
Audrey ignored Neil, but her hand dropped. Katelyn nodded frantically once her jaw was free, but Neil could see the red marks left by Audrey's grip. "Do not ignore me. Your life depends on how well you can listen. Can you listen? The conditions for your survival are simple: do not ever mistake this for acceptance and do not ever, ever try to speak to me. You are a part of Aaron's life, but you will never be a part of mine. If you forget that, I will remind you. You will not survive that lesson. Do you understand?"
Katelyn nodded again. She gave her a long look, then pushed off the wall and stepped back out of her space. "I hope you two are miserable together."
With that, Audrey strode off. Neil watched her go, then turned to Katelyn right as the girl muffled a sob into her hand. Her shoulders were shaking. Neil wasn't good at comforting people, but she felt obligated to at least make an attempt, seeing how the confrontation was partly her fault.
"You won," Neil said. She just stared with tear-bright eyes. "Aaron's not in class now, I think, if you want to call him. Let's get our stuff and clear out of here."
She stared at Neil until Neil turned and went back to their table. SHe didn't think they would be getting any more studying done, which was fine. Really, she was just relieved to not have to fight Audrey. Between stacks of books would have been horrible for it.
Katelyn made it to their table as Neil slung her bag over her shoulders. She already had her phone pressed to her ear with a shaking hand, so Neil gave her a nod, and left the library.
Audrey must have walked fast, since Neil found no trace of her outside. When her phone buzzed, Neil slipped it out, wondering if it would be from her, but it was Wymack. Neil read the message, then read it again and again until her father's smile was on her face.
Kengo Moiyama had collapsed at a board meeting and was raced to the hospital in an ambulance. Wymack's text gave them that heads up. Neil was pretty sure there would be microphones in Riko's face at that moment. If she didn't hate Riko with every fiber of her being, she would be disgusted by the reporters' heartless enthusiasm. However, Neil was right there with them. She hoped this hurt Riko as much as it would hurt her father.
She found snips of the interview online at the library computer after her last class. Riko tolerated most of their prying questions with good grace and a calm demeanor, but the ugliness showed when he was asked if he was on his way to the hospital. The reporters knew full well that Kengo and Riko were estranged. They just didn't understand the severity of the separation. Kevin once told the Foxes Riko had never met his father or brother. The Moriyama family had no time to waste on second-born sons, so Riko was shipped to Tetsuji as soon as possible after birth.
The look Riko turned on the woman should have melted the microphone she was holding. "You are aware we have a game tomorrow. My place is here with my team. If the doctors are worth their degrees, they will return him to full health whether or not I am there to see it happen."
Neil got out her phone to text Kevin, "Do you think it's serious?"
"It better not be," was Kevin's first response, and then, "Riko still believes he can win his father's attention with fame. If the lord does not recover, Riko will take his anger and grief out on everyone around him."
Neil considered that, then said, "Good think you're not there anymore."
"Jean still is," Kevin answered, and Neil knew better than to comment. She didn't want to think about Jean, trapped in the Nest and ducking his head low even when there was nothing to hide from.
Neil's replacement gear showed up Thursday. Friday's away game against Arkansas meant an all-day drive. They were on the Fox bus before the sun came up, and they stopped every four hours at rest stops. Neil finished her homework and studying with too much time to spare, and got sick of her book halfway through. She knew SUA's line inside and out, so there was no point in reviewing it. She was tired from boredom, but not tired enough to sleep.
Kevin and Nicky were fast asleep, but Audrey was starting out her window at nothing. Aaron was ignoring them as usual. Neil didn't know what had happened with their deal, and didn't want to find out today. Neil eased out of her chair, then wandered to the last bench, and tilted her head at Audrey.
"Can I sit by you?"
Audrey didn't even turn away from the window when she said, "No."
Neil took that in stride, and headed to the front of the bus, where the upperclassmen were caught up in a lively conversation. Neil slipped onto Seth's chair, and didn't mind when he draped an arm around her shoulders. They didn't ask why she had strayed from her usual seat, but absorbed her into their group without hesitation. It didn't make the ride any shorter, but it was significantly less mind-numbing. How Wymack slept through all their noise, Neil didn't know. Willpower, she guessed, since Wymack still refused to hire a driver, and didn't want his Foxes staying in Arkansas overnight. He was bringing them back to South Carolina right after the game. Neil found she didn't mind being labelled a contentious team if it meant they weren't going to stay anywhere long.
They got into town around six central time, two hours before serve. Dinner was at a local buffet, where they desperately inhaled enough calories to get them through the game, and they had enough time to walk slow laps around SUA's court. Matt complained about the rounds of mashed potatoes he had eaten, but Neil had only taken advantage of the buffet style to eat nearly their entire hotel pan full of fruit and felt fine.
SUA didn't play with the speed or aggression UT and Belmonte had brought to the court, but they were the most communicative team Neil had faced. They were constantly shouting back and forth to each other, calling openings and tracking each other's marks. Neil was filing each interaction away for their own team. Not this year, but if they had six new members, well. It was a thought for another time.
By halftime, the results from the other night's match were in: UT had slaughtered Belmonte, and would proceed to the death match. Having a rival knocked out gave the Foxes the second wind they needed, and they dominated the court through the second half. The Foxes won by a comfortable margin, took their time washing off afterward, and were back on the bus by eleven. Neil found a '42' message waiting for her. She planned on typing out a message, but was distracted when Audrey sank into Neil's bus bench.
She said nothing, so Neil said nothing either, just deleted the text, and shoved her phone into her bag. Audrey had a book, and a strange contraption that Neil didn't recognize until she clicked a button, and it emanated a small light that didn't make it past their seat. Audrey clamped it onto the spine of her book, and started reading. Neil took that as her sign. She folded her arms tight, leaned her head against the back of the chair, and shut her eyes. She didn't expect to fall asleep, but did anyway.
A week without a match didn't lessen the intensity of the practices any, but Wymack built in a little elbow room where he could. It wasn't consideration, but necessity: he'd made the first round of cuts with his stack of would-be Foxes, and needed his team's help to narrow it down. The girls took to the task with enthusiasm Neil hadn't expected. He thought choosing their own replacements would be a bittersweet reminder they were graduating in a year. Seth ignored them, only shooting down Kevin's bitching. If any of them were aware that their time was running out, though, they gave no sign of it.
Less surprising was Kevin's scornful rejection of every file Wymack had to offer him. He insisted Wymack put out a second request, to which Wymack demanded Kevin be a little more accepting of strikers who hadn't been raised to be champions. Neil didn't have any experience, or insight to argue with Kevin, but she quietly clung to the choice she had made and refused to let it go.
When it was clear Kevin didn't have a pick to shoot down, Seth changed his tune and clung to Neil's choice like it was his own. Kevin tried to physically wrench it out of Neil's hand only once before Seth stepped bodily in Kevin's way. Audrey gave a warning tsk, but the message had gotten through to Kevin, and he rounded on Wymack again. Abby stepped in when the argument got too loud, and banished Wymack and Kevin to opposite ends of the locker room.
On Tuesday, Kengo was released from the hospital. If he wasn't Riko's father, he might have made it home without question or fanfare, since Kengo Moriyama passed as just another wealthy businessman. As it was, there were a couple reporters waiting on his doorstep. Kengo answered their questions with stony silence and let his assistants clear a path for him. HIPAA laws kept anyone from figuring out what had put him in the hospital in the first place, but he appeared to have recovered, so eventually the press gave up and moved on.
On Wednesday afternoon, Audrey had her appointment with Betsy, which meant her group would catch a ride with Matt. Kevin and Nicky were waiting for them in the hallway when Neil followed Matt and Seth out of their dorm room. Aaron was nowhere in sight, again. She tried to ignore the glow of something like smugness in her chest, but the combination of Audrey obviously changing the deal, confronting Katelyn, and the continuation of whatever therapy the twins were having, Neil had been more successful than she had planned to be.
They didn't have a game on Friday, but the ERC finally posted the following week's line-up. Six teams from the evens bracket were proceeding to the death match, compared with eight from the odds. The Foxes would face the University of Vermont Catamounts at home. UT was up against Nevada, and Washington State would take on Binghamton. In the odds bracket, the Big Three had avoided drawing each other's names. Neil thought it was less miraculous, and more planned by whoever was in charge of selling tickets. They'd all proceed to the third round, along with whichever team won the Oregon-Maryland match. There would be another week-long break between the death match and round three.
A free weekend meant they should have been up to their usual drinking and partying, but according to Nicky, Aaron had refused to go, wanting to spend time with Katelyn. Neil hoped he was wrong. Katelyn needed to lie low for a couple weeks, but Aaron had been stupid enough to agree to the deal in the first place without thinking, so Neil wasn't surprised. Neil just hoped he wouldn't have to learn those consequences through Katelyn being hurt again.
Nicky still dragged Neil to their room, though. Nicky and Audrey claimed the beanbag chairs and teamed up in a horror game. Neil had brought her backpack, but the creepy music and occasional on-screen scream were perfect excuses to not attempt any homework. She looked to Kevin, who unplugged his headphones from his laptop, and motioned over his shoulder to the bedroom. Kevin grabbed the computer, so Neil fetched a notepad, and closed the bedroom door behind them.
Kevin had a subscription to an Exy streaming site. He searched for Vermont's most recent game, and turned the screen so they could both see. Neil took notes, Kevin absorbed what he could from watching, and they compared insights afterward. UVM had an imbalanced team: an intimidating defense backing up a mediocre offense line. Neil and Kevin would have their hands full, but at least their backliners would have an easier time of things.
It made her wonder how others perceived their team. Looking at statistics only, she couldn't help thinking of the Foxes as a battering ram. Sure, they had a big weakness in their meager ten players, but they had a strong defense line backed up by one talented goalie and the best goalie in the league. Paired with two raven-trained strikers, and Kevin Day, Neil supposed it wasn't that surprising.
One game turned into two, and would have become three if Nicky hadn't come looking for them. It took Nicky only a second to realize what they were doing, and he flicked a displayed look between them.
"You aren't serious. It's Friday night and this is how you're entertaining yourselves? Give me a break! Think about something else for a while, would you? Like ice cream. I thought we were going down to Columbia. My body's been ready for some ice cream all day long. I've been gypped and I demand compensation."
"That's not our problem," Kevin said.
"I'm making it your problem," Nicky said. "Neil, you're coming with me to the store."
"Go by yourself," Kevin said.
"Great idea," Nicky said. "Tiny flaw, though: I'm not on the insurance policy anymore and don't have a key to the new ride."
"You what?" Neil asked, startled.
Nicky shrugged, and didn't explain. "Let's go, Neil. The games will still be there tomorrow. I'm here right now, I'm hungry, and I'm tired of you ignoring me in my own room."
Kevin opened another game and paused it so it could buffer. "Audrey can take you."
"I'm not talking to you," Nicky said, "I'm talking to your mini-me."
"I–" Neil started, but faltered when her phone buzzed.
She could guess what it was, but there was a chance it wasn't. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, and flipped it open to read today's contribution to the countdown: 35. Neil gazed down at it in silence. If Neil believed in signs, this would be proof that she should stay with Kevin. They could get another match in before they had to crash for the night. One more game and she would probably have names and numbers memorized. They had less than three months until finals. The Foxes couldn't afford a single misstep between here and there.
Neil looked up, ready to turn Nicky down, but Audrey had come up beside Nicky in the doorway. Neil's eyes caught on her. She wasn't wearing anything unusual, and her hair was pulled into its usual bun, but Neil's heart gave a few strong taps anyway. It was like Neil was seeing her, this Audrey in the soft glow of the hallway, for the first time. Neil thought about Nicky's worried appeal last fall, the warning that one day Exy wouldn't be enough on its own. Neil didn't think she would ever live long enough to have a 'one day', but maybe it would be nice to pretend she did. Neil had built her life around Exy after her mother died because she needed something to live for, but Neil wasn't alone anymore.
Maybe she would regret this on Monday when she was a thousand steps behind Kevin at practice, but it wasn't like Neil would ever catch up to him anyway. Neil powered down her phone, then looked at Kevin. "What kind do you want?"
Kevin stared at her. "You're not leaving," he said, not quite a question.
"If we get into another one, we'll be up too late tonight. Pick a flavor."
Kevin didn't respond. Maybe he was too disappointed in Neil to take the question seriously. Neil didn't care anymore what Kevin thought of her. Like he had reminded Kevin the other week, Kevin's journey didn't stop in May. He could spend every night watching endless replays and tactics because he had all the time in the world to spare.
Neil tucked her phone into her pocket and got to her feet. "Text Nicky when you make up your mind."
Nicky looked beside himself with glee over winning the tug-of-war. Neil let that self-satisfaction trump Kevin's attitude, and led Nicky down to the car. Nicky chattered about Erik for most of the drive to the grocery store. He was planning on spending most of May in Germany. His short reunion with Erik over Christmas break just made Nicky miss him more than ever, and Nicky was counting down days until they could see each other again. He was a little worried what the twins might do in his absence, but he apparently trusted Neil to keep them both alive until the dorms reopened in June. Neil didn't argue that, since at least her death would give Aaron one less thing to fight with Audrey about.
Kevin still hadn't messaged Nicky by the time they reached the ice cream, so Nicky called him. Kevin, to Neil's surprise, picked up. He hadn't stooped low enough to avoid a free snack, it turned out. Nicky paid for the pints before Neil could offer, and they headed back to the dorm with their haul.
Kevin was nowhere in sight, but the bedroom door was closed again. Neil assumed he'd resumed watching matches alone. It bothered Neil, for a moment, that Kevin wasn't willing to wait for her. Still, she refused to regret her decision. Kevin was being childish and spiteful, but he wasn't the one living his life on a timer. Nicky grabbed spoons from the kitchen and distributed pints to their hungry owners. Neil checked his expression when Nicky came back from dropping Kevin's off, but Nicky just rolled his eyes in response and grinned again.
Nicky tossed the empty plastic bag in the general direction of the garbage can, and surveyed his DVD stand with hands on his hips. After a minute of serious study, Nicky complained, "There's nothing to watch. I'm going to scour Matt's collection."
He said it definitively, but waited a beat in case Audrey shot that idea down. Neil looked from him to Audrey, who was rolling her pint between her hands to soften it. When Audrey said nothing, Nicky vanished. Neil locked the door behind him, and carried her ice cream to Audrey. She knelt on the floor near Audrey's beanbag chair and listened. She didn't hear the sound of a game coming from the bedroom, and Kevin's headphones weren't on his desk anymore. Neil set her ice cream and spoon to one side, and turned a searching look on Audrey.
"Question," Neil said, but it took her a few moments to figure out the right words. "When you said you don't like being touched, is it because you don't like it at all, or because you don't trust anyone else enough to let them touch you."
Audrey glanced at her. "It doesn't matter."
"Right now, or ever."
"Until you figure out where your lines are," Audrey clarified.
"I know what my boundaries are," Neil said, "but I don't know what to prepare for until I know where your lines are. If you say that I can never touch you again, that's fine. I don't understand it, and I don't know what I'm doing, but I don't want to ignore it just because it's new. So are you completely off-limits, or are there any safe zones?"
"What are you hoping for, coordinates?"
"I'm hoping to know where the lines are before I cross them," Neil said. "Same as you, but I'm open to drawing a map on you if you want to loan me a marker. That's not a bad idea."
"Everything about you is a bad idea," Audrey said, as if Neil didn't already know that. "You shouldn't trust me."
"You stopped," Neil shrugged. "I trust you to do it again, if that's what I need. I don't intend to get to that point, but you've proven yourself time and time again."
Audrey only gave her ice cream another roll.
"I'm still waiting for an answer," Neil said.
"I'm still waiting for a yes or no I actually believe," she returned.
"For what? You haven't asked me anything yet."
"Kissing you, yes or no?"
"Yes," Neil said.
Audrey set her pint between her feet, caught Neil's face in her freezing hands, and leaned in.
Nicky's drugged assault, and the horrors of the Nest aside, Neil hadn't kissed anyone in four years. The last girl was a scrawny French-Canadian who had held her with just her fingertips, kissed her like she was afraid of smudging her lipstick, and thought Neil was a boy. Neil couldn't remember her name or face anymore. She remembered only how satisfying the illicit encounter had been, and how furious her mother was when she found them. That awkward peck wasn't worth the punishment that had followed.
That was nothing like Audrey.
Audrey kissed like this was a fight with their lives on the line, like her world stopped and started with Neil's mouth. Neil's heart stuttered to a stop at the first hard press of lips against hers, and she reached up without thinking. Her hand made it as far as Audrey's jaw before she remembered there had been no rules set for that. Neil caught hold of Audrey's sweatshirt sleeve instead, and gripped with her own cold fingers.
That touch was a trigger. Audrey leaned back just enough to say, "Tell me no if you need to."
Neil's lips were sore; her skin was buzzing. She felt winded, like she'd survived a half-marathon. She felt strong, like she could run another five more. Panic threatened to tear her stomach to shreds. Common sense said to refuse this and retreat before they both did something they'd regret. Audrey didn't believe in regret, though, Neil reminded herself, and Neil wouldn't live long enough for it to matter. That thought grounded her, and she offered a smile up at Audrey.
"It's still a yes."
Audrey still made no move, so she lifted her hand not tight in her sleeve, and stopped it a safe distance from Audrey's face. She caught hold of her wrist and squeezed in warning.
"It's fine if you hate me," Neil said.
It was the truth, if a bit of an understatement. So long as Audrey was only physically attracted to Neil, this was safe to experiment with. Neil's death wouldn't be more than a faint inconvenience to Audrey.
"Good," Audrey said. "Because I do."
For a second, Neil thought Audrey would push her away and be done with it. Audrey did push, but she only got Neil moving enough that they were both sitting on the floor. Her hands found their spot back on Neil's face when she nodded. Audrey put her legs over Neil's spread ones, but bent her knees enough that they weren't touching.
"Hands to yourself," Audrey said, and Neil obediently tucked them behind her back. "Touching your hair, yes or no?"
"Yes. Don't pull."
Audrey slid her eyes up Neil's frame, slow and steady, then tilted her face ever so slightly up to kiss her again.
Time was nothing. Seconds were days, were years, were the breaths that caught between their mouths and the bite of Neil's fingernails against her palms, the scrape of teeth against her lower lip, and the warm slide of Audrey's tongue against her own. She could feel her own heartbeat in her toes. How someone who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like that, Neil didn't know, but she wasn't going to complain.
Neil had forgotten what it was like to be touched without malicious intent. She had forgotten what body heat felt like. Everything about Audrey was hot, from the hands that had lost the cold of the ice cream pint remarkably quickly, and the mouth steadily taking Neil apart. Neil finally understood why Mary thought this was so dangerous. This was distraction and indiscretion, avoidance and denial. It was letting her guard down, letting someone in, and taking comfort in something she shouldn't have, and couldn't keep.
Neil needed it too much to care.
It didn't– couldn't– last long, because Kevin was in the next room, and Nicky was just two doors down, but Neil's mouth was numb, and her thoughts buzzed to incoherency by the time a thumb said Nicky had walked into the locked door. Neil fought a flash of irritation back as Audrey pushed herself up and away from Neil, back to her beanbag. Neil tried to call to Nicky to wait, but didn't have the breath to speak.
Audrey studied Neil's expression for a few seconds, then got to her feet and started for the door. Neil pushed herself up with unsteady hands, and retreated to Kevin's desk with her ice cream. Getting the plastic safety seal off was the hardest thing she'd done all year, but at least it gave her an excuse not to look at Nicky. Nicky grumbled about being locked out of his own room as he came through the doorway, but by the time he made it to his beanbag chair, he'd already forgotten it in favor of the movies he borrowed.
"Look, you guys get to vote this time," Nicky said, like he was doing them a huge favor. He rattled off titles and lead actors. Neil couldn't focus long enough to hear anything but his next, "Hello, Earth to Neil. You even listening to me?"
Neil looked at the half-moon marks she had left on her palm. "You choose."
"You two are the least helpful people in the entire universe," Nicky complained, but it took him only a second to make up his mind. The case snapped open and closed as he popped the disk out. Neil focused on the sound of beans crunching as Nicky got comfortable in his chair. Neil didn't hear Audrey getting settled again, but she didn't trust herself enough to even look where Audrey was.
"Come on, Neil!"
"I'm coming," Neil said.
The overhead lights cut off then, which meant Audrey had stayed by the door after letting Nicky in. Thinking that Audrey needed space and time to regroup the same way Neil did almost wrecked Neil's attempts to get her neutral facade back together. The chilly ice cream was a little more helpful at sucking the heat from her skin, so Neil held tight to it and got up from the desk. There wasn't room to sit between the beanbag chairs, and she couldn't look like she was avoiding Audrey, so she sat on the floor to her left.
Nicky got the movie started. Neil watched it just so she wouldn't stare at Audrey, but if someone asked her later what it was about, she wouldn't be able to tell them. She was sure she still felt Audrey's mouth on hers when she was in her own bed a few hours later.
Notes:
vice captain. maserati. countdown. katelyn. kissing. no sleep. bus. club. nother club. nother club. plane. next place. no sleep. their slower romance based in that audrey only just found out she's a girl (and lowk no drake or proust) is everything to me. these idiots are going to be fine
Chapter 22: death matches
Notes:
no real tws but sexual content and a little bit of past assault mentioned. edit: i changed it to an e rating bc i lowkey forgot it was m. the smut is not super prevalent but better safe than sorry!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Neil had survived more than a few hectic weeks growing up, but the week leading up to the Foxes' first death match was almost enough to rattle even her. Her teammates' stress levels were through the roof and Neil couldn't help but be affected by their quiet panic. Dan tried to play it cool, but Neil could hear the strain in her voice as she directed the team at practices. Allison harped at the fractured defense line any chance she got, and Kevin was awful to all of them. Matt was marginally better at keeping his act together, but the further into the week they got, the more restless and anxious he seemed. Seth had cussed Kevin out too many times, and had instigated his own punishment of jogging a lap instead of swinging, which had him often running more than he was practicing.
Even Renee was feeling it, though she hid it well. When her friends were around, she was the perfect rock to lean on, as encouraging and pleasant as always. It was a different story when she was walking laps on break with just Neil and Audrey. She admitted to nothing, but she looked a little more tired every day. Neil knew better than to ask her if she was all right. She might feel obligated to put on a smile for her, too, when what she really needed was time to catch her breath, and soothe her own nerves.
It took Neil a couple days to realize it wasn't the Foxes draining most of her energy. Renee rarely said anything on their walks anymore, too intent on what was happening on her phone. The occasional unhappy twitch at the corner of her mouth said her text conversations with Jean weren't going well. If it wasn't the stress of the match, it was that weighing on her.
Afternoon scrimmages had all of them walking away bruised and sore. All three of the strikers pulled out all the stops to get around their teammates, and their backliners pushed back as hard as they could. Despite the aches Neil took home, the only thing she could think about over dinner was getting back to the court.
When Neil drove Kevin to the court Wednesday night, she said, "We should have brought Audrey with us."
"No," Kevin said, "I told you: she must come with us of her own volition. It means nothing if she agrees for our sake."
"I know what you said," Neil said, "but we need more practice against a guarded goal."
"It would not do us any good," Kevin said "Your target is not the goalkeeper: it is the goal itself. Goalkeepers change every week. No two have the same strengths or styles. Why obsess over besting one when it has no effect on the rest? Perfect your own performance, and it won't matter who is in goal."
"I'm just saying–"
"Continue arguing with me, and you will practice alone tonight."
"Fine," Neil said, shoving the turn signal stick up hard, and glancing in the rear-view mirror for only a second before pulling over. "Get out."
"What? Neil, it's–"
"I'm practicing alone tonight. Get out."
"You can't be serious."
"I am. You're either going to get out of this car right now, or you're going to hear me out."
"It's– it's eleven-thirty!"
"I know. Get out."
Kevin ground his teeth together so hard Neil could hear it, but he slumped back in the passenger seat, arms folded.
Neil stuffed down her smirk.
"As I was going to say," Neil said, "You know that I play differently than you."
"You don't have the practice," Kevin said.
"No," Neil said, refusing to let Kevin get a rise out of her. "I don't. You play the way you do, though, because you have so much practice."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Neil hadn't really known she was going to say that, so she held up a hand while she thought. She turned into the stadium's parking lot and finally said, "You practice so much because you're playing against yourself. Like you said, you can't practice to one goalie, so you hone your own abilities so the goalie doesn't matter."
"Sure," Kevin said.
"And, I'm not there yet," Neil said. "And I won't be by Friday, or for any game after that. I've been playing Exy for two years. You've been playing your whole life."
"A goalie isn't an excuse to slack off with your training."
Neil rolled her eyes and parked next to Allison's convertible. "When did I say that it was? I'm saying we're different players, and I think it would be better if I practiced with a goalie."
"Fine," Kevin huffed, getting out. Neil followed him halfway inside by the time he said, "Audrey still has to come of her own free will."
Neil waved a hand in acknowledgement, then pushed past Kevin to get to the locker rooms first. Seth was already there, just tightening the straps on his last piece of armor. He reached out a first, so Neil obediently bumped it on her way to her locker. It wasn't just Allison on the court warming up with Seth, though, but Renee also.
Neil wasn't someone who often hugged, if at all, but the sight of a goalie after just arguing with Kevin felt like the first inhale of cigarette smoke after lighting up. Neil launched herself at Renee, who almost doubled over with surprised laughter. The hug was so brief it could barely be called that, but Neil stayed in Renee's space just long enough to bump their helmets together after.
"Thank god you're here," Neil said, almost reverently.
"Seth asked me to come," Renee said, and the smile she wore was one of the brightest that Neil had ever had aimed at her. "But I don't think that's the reason you're so grateful?"
"Kevin wants me to play like him," Neil said. "He thinks I don't need to practice against a goalie, because if I'm good enough, then it won't matter."
"An interesting idea," Renee said, "and it seems to be working for him. Asking someone to change mindsets and approach is a tall order, though, especially so late in the season. Then again, you did change racquets mid-season."
"A racquet is one thing," Neil said. "I don't think I can do this."
"If you don't want to, don't," Renee said, as if it was that simple. "If you want to try, I will help."
Neil's face twisted down into a frown. Kevin shouted something unintelligible before he banged on the plexiglass wall, and without a word, the two started briskly jogging laps as a quick warmup. This was their third practice in one day, so there wasn't much of an excuse to do it, but Neil would take it anyway.
"You don't want to do that," Renee said carefully.
"Why shouldn't I?" Neil said.
Renee thought for a half a lap. "I think Kevin is very analytical, whereas you're passionate. You both care about winning, but not in the same way."
Neil chewed on that. She was right. Neil knew it as soon as she had said it. Neil couldn't play like Kevin. Learning Kevin's tricks was necessary to her development, but Neil would never implement them the same as Kevin could on the court. Neil was far too aware of the obstacles, and her thrill came in outsmarting her marks. She liked being the better, faster player. She liked frantic plays, close calls, and heart-stopping goals. It didn't have to be pretty or perfect, so long as they won in the end.
Understanding took the edge off all her brewing tension. As Neil relaxed, she realized Renee was still watching her. She smiled when Neil looked at her, and they got started on Kevin's practice. If Renee let Neil use her in goal with Allison working as a backliner when the boys were showering, then it was only their business.
When the Foxes hit the court February 9th, no one was expecting the fight they brought to it. Forty-five minutes into the game, the Catamounts were trailing by three points. On the TV in the Foxes' locker room, the sportscasters were shaking their heads in amazement.
"I'm with you on this one, Marie. I'm not entirely sure who we're looking at now, or what they did with last year's Foxes, but they've completely blown me away."
Neil glanced at the TV as she stretched. The two were reporting live from inside the Foxhole Court, a few feet from the Foxes' empty benches. It was hard to hear them ove the noise from the stands, especially when the Fox's mascot went wheeling by.
"Quite honestly, I never expected them to finish the season," Marie said. "The number of setbacks they've endured this year is unbelievable and I was sure they would bow out way back in November. It's a serious credit to this line-up that they've made it this far. This is the first Fox roster that actually embraces teamwork."
"Indeed," her male counterpart agreed. "This is the kind of synchrony you expect from top-notch schools. A few weeks ago, we all laughed hwen the freshman, Neil Josten, said the Foxes were raring for a rematch with the Ravens. No one's laughing now. If they can keep this momentum and keep playing like they are tonight, they stand a real chance of proceeding to the semifinals."
"Ten minutes left of halftime," Marie said. "The score is six-three. It's going to take some serious footwork for the Catamounts to recover. We're less than an hour from seeing if the Foxes can secure their first death match victory. Let's take a look at some highlights from the first half, and then–"
Dan turned the TV off and stood in front of the dark screen. Matt gave her a minute, then touched her shoulder to get her attention. She answered his questioning look with a wry smile. "It's weird hearing htem say good things about us."
"It took them long enough," Allison huffed.
"It took us long enough to earn their consideration," Renee pointed out, not unkindly.
The seniors exchanged a long look, exhausted and triumphant. The Foxes' first line-up had crashed and burned two steps out of the starting gate, and halfway through the season they'd been the laughingstock of the sport. The girls came to Palmetto state university knowing it would take work to salvage that sour reputation and knowing Wymack was their only ally. Exy was a co-ed sport, but women were vastly outnumbered in the NCAA. Even fewer made it to major leagues and professional teams. The school board approved the three on Wymack's say-so, but their own teammates made their lives a living hell. Despite every loss, and every roadblock, they had made it, and they were finally getting the nod they deserved. It sparked something unexpected in Neil to realize she was technically included in that too, and she forced her surprisingly heated face down to the floor.
"Alright," Dan said, turning away from the TV.
Her gaze lingered for a moment on the newest addition to the locker room: a mahogany stand in the corner near Audrey and Neil's picture. She'd said last month that she wanted a stand for their eventual championship trophy. Neil thought she'd been talking big to inspire the team, but apparently not. Allison found the perfect one yesterday after dinner. When the three strikers had come to the court for night practice, they'd found the upperclassmen getting the stand situated. Renee hadn't even needed Neil to ask to join them on the court afterwards, changing into her goalie gear without prompting.
Dan smiled, short and fierce, and looked around at her teammates. "I'm in the mood to completely ruin the Catamounts' night. Anyone with me?"
"Let's do it," Matt said with a toothy grin. "What've you got for us, Coach?"
Wymack sped down the first half pointers as quickly as he could and let them back to the court when the warning buzzer sounded. UVM came out as strong as they could for serve, invigorated by the first half results and spurred on by their coaches' halftime rant. They were in an entirely new monster, but Neil squished her flicker of panic. Losing her cool here would only destroy the Foxes' chances. She was on the sidelines, replaced by Seth so Wymack could use her speed best when the Catamounts were worn down.
Twenty minutes into the second half the score still hadn’t budged. Kevin and Seth couldn’t get around their fresh back liners, and the UVM strikers couldn’t get past Audrey. The game hadn’t been friendly before but with tempers fired and patience thin, play got a little rougher.
A fight was coming; they all knew it. It was only a tossup as to which player bit back first. Surprisingly, or not, it was Audrey. After smashing another ball of court, Audrey beat her racket against the wall and called Seth. Seth looked to Kevin and Dan to make sure they could handle their side of the court before sprinting over to Audrey. Not only was it nearly unheard of, Neil thought she saw a smile tearing across Seth's face as he sprinted back, it was those two working together. The next time the ball came in their direction, and Seth's mark started for it, Seth swept his legs out from under him with a racquet. Such a blatant foul brought the entire game to a screeching halt, at least until Seth's backliner found his feet again. He came at Seth with fist flying, but Seth was already there, and with one decisive shove to the grills of the backliner's helmet, he toppled backward. Getting to his feet, the striker was almost stupid enough to take another swing, but Matt and his mark intervened.
By then the referees were on court. Seth pointed at Neil, who was already halfway onto the court. Seth raised his other hand in the air, waving to the crowd like the Queen in a parade all the way to the bench.
Neil took up her spot, and the teams prepped for a foul shot. Neil couldn't help her smile. She glanced down the line at Kevin. Kevin was already braced to run, confident in Audrey‘s ability to defend the shot. Audrey did, and like always, she fired the rebound where Neil could get it. Neil tore off up the court like her father was on her heels, and there was nothing her backliner could do to stop her.
The Foxes bagged another victory, just as hard-won as all the others. Audrey stopped every shot on goal, and when the buzzer sounded, Neil couldn't stop smiling. Eight-three. They had dominated the firsts death match, and were onto round three for the first time ever. Dan had Matt's helmet off by the time the Foxes caught up to her, and kissed him to the roar of the crowd. Kevin and Aaron clacked sticks, and exchanged triumphant looks.
Neil was dimly aware of the subs tearing across the court toward them, but she looked past them to where Audrey stood alone in goal. She had already set her racquet aside, and was busy undoing her gloves. She had to know this was a historic night for the Foxes, and Neil knew she could hear the crowd losing its mind, but Audrey was unhurried and uninterested. Whatever had inspired her to intervene earlier was long gone. Neil hadn't honestly expected this to be the game that finally got through to her, but it didn't make it easier to see.
Nicky made a perfect distraction, yelling in her ear and dragging her into celebrations with the rest of the team. Neil was thrown into their small throng, and looked from one happy face to another, savoring and memorizing that moment.
Audrey missed the half-court party, but she showed up in time to follow her teammates past the Catamounts' line-up. After waving at the crowd with Wymack and Abby, Neil abandoned the upperclassmen girls to the reporters' microphones.
Wymack was waiting for them in the lounge when they were all showered and dressed. He did a quick headcount when he found all ten accounted for. "Remember when I told you not to make plans for tonight? We're going to Abby's. That's a we as in everyone." He sent a significant look at Audrey's group. "Consider this a mandatory team event. Abby's already agreed to cook for us, and I spent most of the morning stocking her cabinets with booze."
"Was that a vote of confidence, or plans for a consolation party?" Dan asked.
"Doesn't matter," Wymack said. "Let's go. I'm starving, and I really need a cigarette."
Abby's fridge was indeed full of covered dishes. She had prepared them earlier that day, so she popped a couple of the pans in the oven while Wymack and Dan poured drinks. Kevin stayed in the kitchen when Wymack and Dan started talking about the night's game. Matt commandeered the sound system in the other room. Nicky and Allison argued with all of his choices, then with Seth, and then with each other, but they didn't sound serious, so Neil didn't intervene. Aaron had claimed a chair in the kitchen, close enough to Kevin to look busy, but not doing anything. He shot Neil a dirty look when he realized Neil was watching him, but Neil waved him off, and went in search of the absentee goalkeepers. She didn't waste time going down the hall, since the only rooms that way were bedrooms, but went onto the front porch.
Audrey was sitting on the hood of her car, with Renee standing in front of her. Renee glanced at the house at the sound of the door and motioned for Neil to join them. When Neil was halfway there, though, Renee turned away from Audrey and headed up the sidewalk. She flashed Neil a smile on her way by, but said nothing. Neil wondered what she had interrupted, and whether or not she should apologize. She didn't make up her mind by the time Renee was already gone, so she took the spot just abandoned, and studied Audrey's blank face.
"We won," Neil said. She waited, but of course Audrey didn't respond to that. Neil tried to stamp out her frustration but couldn't stop all of a sigh. "Would it kill you to let something in?"
"It almost did last time," Audrey said.
Neil frowned, but didn't push. She had seen Audrey’s scars and knew what they meant. She wouldn’t ask, she would wait until she was told. "You told me not to ask about Aaron. Is that still in effect?"
"It will always be in effect. Just because you think your meddling did something this time doesn't mean I agree. Stay out of my business."
"Then talk to me. Audrey."
"How am I supposed to talk to a wind-up doll that only has one topic? I have nothing to say to you."
"If I talk about something else, will you talk to me?"
Audrey quirked a brow at her. "Can you talk about something else?"
Neil took a step back as if her words had been a slap. They might as well have been, for how much they stung. She wanted something to say, something to snap back, but words failed her.
The small talk that kept their teammates entertained meant nothing to either of them. Neil didn't want to talk about movies or classes, she wanted to talk about tonight's unprecedented win. She wanted to talk about their chances of breaking through round three for another death match. She wanted to talk about the look on Riko's face when the Foxes faced them again in May. She wanted to savor the win, not write it off as something trivial and uninteresting.
Audrey spared her only a glance before she slid off the car. "Don't run now, Rabbit. Your team is waiting for you."
Neil shook her head, and took a few steps back. The dorms were only a few miles away, and with her coat, it wasn't that cold. Not with fresh hurt keeping her warm. "No, I'm going home."
"I'm not driving you, and you aren't walking. You'll freeze."
Neil rolled her eyes, but found herself having to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat. "I am nothing. I have nothing except for Exy, and I know that. I fucking know that, so you don't have to rub it in when all I want is to talk to you."
The front door opened. Nicky held onto the doorframe, but leaned out to call to them. "Drinks are ready! You coming, or what?"
"Neil," Audrey said, slightly too low for Nicky to hear.
Neil shook her head, and made to leave. She was distracted by the humming of her phone as she got a text. Thinking it was a Fox, she pulled it out to check it.
'28.'
Neil shoved the thing in her pocket and decidedly marched towards the door. Audrey only called after her one more time before Neil ducked under Nicky's arm. Not even the Foxes were enough to dull the sting, though, and after driving Matt's truck back while Matt, Seth, and Dan were drunk in the back, Neil crawled into bed and felt sharp tears prick until she scrubbed her eyes dry. She knew Audrey could be cruel, but maybe she had forgotten the sharp pain of it with time. She wouldn't cry now. Not when Audrey used words that would specifically hurt her.
Her words still swirled in Neil’s mind while she fell asleep.
The rules changed in round three. Up until now a team's chances depended solely on its ability to win as many games as possible. From here through finals, the emphasis switched to points. The three schools that had survived the evens-bracket death match would face off against each other over the next three weeks. Whichever two teams netted the most points between the games would proceed to the second elimination round. Technically, a team could lose both games and still advance, but that hadn't happened in years.
Because of the odd number of teams, the Foxes would play Nevada home on February 23rd, have the following week off, and face off against Binghamton in an away game on March 9th. The week between the death match and Nevada's game was a rest week, but the Foxes weren't willing to take it easy. They were as inspired as they were terrified by their win on Friday, and they didn't want to lose momentum. Luckily for them there was no way they could slow down. Wymack kept them ramped up until Thursday, and Neil was happy to throw herself head first into practice, and ignore all thoughts of Audrey and her cutting words. She ignored Audrey outright the rest of the time.
A TV crew came by the Foxhole Court on Thursday afternoon to film a segment on the Foxes for their NCAA show. Neil thought Kevin would argue, since the interviews and filming meant practice was a stop-and-start broken mess, but Kevin knew how badly the Foxes needed good publicity. Neil had almost forgotten how pleasant Kevin could be when there was a camera in his face. Neil stifled the urge to call Kevin out on his act and avoided the microphones as much as possible.
Neil couldn't escape the spotlight forever, it seemed, no matter how hard she tried. Wymack and Kevin both watched over the reporter's head when Neil was finally singled out for an interview. Neil answered Kevin's warning stare with a placid look and attempted to remain civil for as long as she could. It was easy at first, since most of the questions were about the Foxes' progress.
It was inevitable they'd finish up with a question about Riko and the Ravens. Neil tried for something neutral, but the interviewer took a good-natured jab at her newfound discretion.
"The last time I said something no one wanted to hear, my school got vandalized," Neil said. "I was trying to prevent collateral damage this time. But you know what? You're right. I can't afford to be quiet. Silence means I condone their behavior, and that's a dangerous illusion. I'm not going to forgive or tolerate them just because they're talented and popular. Let me answer that question again, okay?
"Yes," Neil said. "I am a thousand percent sure we are going to face the Ravens in finals this spring, and I know for a fact we are going to win this time. And when the nation's best loses to a ten-man 'know-nothing' team with the highest men to women ratio– when they lose to a team their own coach likened to feral dogs– Edgar Allan is going to have to change things up. Personally I think they should start by demanding Coach Moriyama's resignation."
The noise Kevin made wasn't human. The interviewer and his cameraman both shot startled looks over their shoulder at him. Kevin didn't stick around long enough for them to ask but bolted down the hall out of sight.
Wymack, despite having complained numerously and at length about Neil's attitude problem, flashed his teeth in a fierce smile. Neil answered the interviewer's curious stare with a blank look and waited for the signal that she was done. As soon as the camera was off, she headed back to the court. Unsurprisingly, Kevin ignored her the rest of the day.
Neil had a feeling that practice that night would be chilly and silent, at least from Kevin's end. Renee and Allison didn't attend every one, but Seth could always be counted on. They would have to pull Neil through it, if they were there. Matt drew the same conclusion on Kevin, and wished Neil a cheery good luck before heading out to a late dinner date with Dan. Seth was likely in the library, since he had taken to studying there instead of at the dorms before night practices, since supposedly, Neil counted as a distraction all on her own.
Neil locked the door behind Matt, checked the clock, and spent the next half hour toiling through math problems. She was on the last one when there was a single rap at her door. It wasn't Kevin's imperious knock or Nicky's enthusiastic rat-tat-tat, but the upperclassmen wouldn't drop by when Matt and Dan were both out, and Seth had stopped hanging around his other friends since he got back from Easthaven. Neil pushed her schoolwork aside and went to investigate.
Audrey stood in the hallway, hands stuffed inside the front pocket of a dark hoodie. Neil opened the door wider and stepped out of the way. Audrey glanced past her before entering the room. Neil guessed she was looking for an audience, so explained, "Seth's at the library, and Matt went out with Dan for a couple hours. Are you coming with us to the court?"
"Entertain yourself tonight." Audrey invited herself to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Kevin is too drunk to curse your name, much less stand up and hold a racquet."
"He what?" Neil asked, but Audrey didn't waste her breath repeating it. Neil looked down the hall like she could somehow see Kevin in his wretched state. "Coward."
"Don't sound surprised," Audrey said. "It is nothing new."
"I thought I'd gotten through to him last time," Neil admitted. "On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you think this will get?"
"How bad can it?" Audrey asked. "Riko can't kill you yet, and Moriyama already told the Raven fans to stay out of it."
"They could still disqualify us somehow," Neil said. "They got their showdown last October. Since they don't think we can make it to finals, there's no reason for them to tolerate us any longer."
"They don't have a choice anymore. If the Ravens don't let us run our course, there will always be room for doubt, and speculations. The Ravens can't share their throne with what-ifs. They have to be supreme victors." Audrey gave that a moment to sink in. "I'm undecided."
"About our chances this spring?" Neil asked.
Audrey held up her hands, palm-up, between them. "The thought that you've unintentionally conned them into this corner is intolerable, as it means you're stupider than even I gave you credit for. If you did it knowingly, however, you're cleverer than you've led me to believe. That means the Ravens aren't the only ones you're playing with. One of these is the lesser evil."
"I think that's for you to decide," Neil shrugged. "Which one is the lesser evil?"
"I'm undecided," Audrey said again.
"That's helpful. You could just ask."
"Why bother?" Audrey asked. "I'll figure it out eventually."
Audrey stole a beer from the fridge, and worked the tab back and forth. Neil watched her for a moment before looking across the room at her desk. She was annoyed with Kevin for canceling practice and not even having the balls to tell her himself, but she knew a free evening was a lucky break. She had a math test next week, and a paper due tomorrow that she hadn't started yet. Midterms weren't far away, and Neil's grades were straddling their usual shaky line. It was the perfect night to play catch-up.
A metal tab clicked hard against the counter. Neil looked back at Audrey, and tilted her head to the side.
"Your roommates are gone, your dorm is empty, and I am here," Audrey said.
Neil studied her face. It had been long enough that Audrey's words on Friday night had stopped hurting, but it didn't mean the spot wasn't tender when she pressed on it. Neil offered her a one-shouldered shrug.
"I want to kiss you," Audrey said, a little firmer.
It'd been over a week since Audrey kissed Neil, she realized. They hadn't been alone long enough to do anything since. Neil knew she wouldn't be able to kiss Audrey and stay present. Not when she had already been thinking about the Ravens, and Riko was so close to the surface. She would only have to think about it to feel his hot glob of saliva in her mouth, and his tongue forcing its way down her throat.
"Why?" Neil finally got out.
"Because it's as good as a time waster that I'll get."
"No, I mean," Neil waved her hand uselessly, "Why?"
"Self-deprication is not a good look on you."
Neil studied her again, flitting back and forth between her eyes, which remained neutral. Neil bit down hard on her lip, then shook her head. "No."
Audrey went to move, so Neil stuck out a hand. Audrey glanced down at it, but stopped.
"No, wait. No, I mean, if you're just leaving because that was the only reason you came, that's fine. If you're leaving because I said no, I only meant to kissing. I want you to be here."
She raised her eyebrows, considered Neil, then said, "What did you have in mind?"
"Anything," Neil said. "If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. I know you don’t like me. You can still leave, if you want to, but I'm just going to get some studying done. You can bring over your stuff?"
Neil didn't know what Audrey saw on her face, but Audrey closed the fridge with her foot, and tapped Neil's chest until she moved into the living room. Neil took this as some strange permission, so she grabbed her backpack, and sat on the couch. Audrey left without a word, but Neil barely had time to wonder before she returned with a book and sat next to her.
Still, though, Neil thought she should take that as a good sign. Audrey needed to stay uncaring and unattached to Neil, and her taunts and insults made Neil comfortable enough to give Audrey a yes when she asked. It was good enough to know that Audrey would take a no.
The paper she wrote wasn't hard work, but it was enough that when her phone hummed, she didn't know how long it had been– whether a few minutes or closer to an hour. She pulled it out only long enough to confirm that it was her daily countdown. Neil shut her phone off and readjusted, then jumped as Audrey spoke.
"You can lean against me."
Matt's couch had a tendency to eat its victims by slowly sliding them towards the center line. Neil had barely even noticed the gap between them. As soon as she did notice it, though, she realized she had been unconsciously flexing her core for who knew how long to stop from sliding into Audrey's personal space. Neil relaxed, and propped her knee up with the other curved under, textbook behind her notebook to make it more firm. Slowly but surely, the couch tried its damndest to eat them, and Audrey and Neil ended up pressed together at the shoulders, and Audrey's widespread knee against Neil's socked foot.
She was only aware that she was drifting to sleep when the textbook slipped from her hold and hit her hard in the stomach. Neil jerked, not having realized her head had been resting on Audrey's shoulder. Audrey gave her an odd look, so Neil returned it, waiting for her to elaborate. She smashed her immediate instinct to apologize, since Audrey would have told her if her head on her shoulder was pushing past the permission to lean on her.
"I'm armed," Audrey said.
"Yeah," Neil said slowly. "I know that."
"I could hurt you," Audrey clarified. Or, well, her tone was clarifying. Neil still had no idea what she was talking about.
"Is that a threat?" Neil finally asked. "Or just a reminder?"
"You were falling asleep."
"I know."
"How do you know I won't hurt you if you're asleep?"
"I trust you. You've proven you won't hurt me unless I give you a reason to."
"I've hurt you before," Audrey pointed out.
"Because you had a reason."
For the physical stuff, Neil didn’t say.
Audrey stared at her a little longer, then pushed her finger into Neil's cheek until she turned back to her essay. Talking had woken her up enough to finish writing it, and then do a few small changes. She wasn't looking for a good grade, only a passing one. Audrey didn't take much longer after that to finish her book, whereupon she got up and left without a goodbye.
Neil went back to her desk, but got little done the rest of the night when her thoughts were firmly fixed on the faint, but lingering smell of cigarettes.
Maybe it was because of that, or maybe something else, but most of her surprise was gone when she spent Friday night in Audrey's room. Aaron had won Katelyn, but left their group skewed and treading soft around Audrey. It also meant Nicky wanted Neil's attention most, and she watched only one match with Kevin. The rest of the night was spent half-buried in a beanbag chair with an oversized controller in her hands. Nicky was a surprisingly patient teacher as he walked Neil through his favorite game, but the copious amounts of alcohol he was drinking made his instructions steadily more unclear. Neil was ready to call it a night by two in the morning, but Nicky was wired from sugary mixers, and another pint of ice cream.
Audrey spent most of the evening smoking on her desk. She disappeared into the bedroom around three, and kicked Kevin out so she could sleep. Kevin put his laptop back on his desk, turned the TV down to near-mute, and went to bed. Nicky waited until the door closed behind him before turning the sound back up. He grumbled loudly as he got comfortable again. Despite his protests, though, Nicky tuckered out not even a half an hour later. He dropped his controller to one side and looked at Neil.
"Wait."
It took him two tries, and a bit of drunken flailing before he could get out of the beanbag chair and onto his feet. He stumbled out of the room, rummaged around so loudly Neil knew he had to be waking Audrey and Kevin up, and came back with a blanket. He dropped it in an unceremonious pile on top of Neil, and threw his hands up in an exaggerated shrug. "Might as well sleep here! You don't have to, o'course, if I'm still bothering you like that an’ you don’t trust me— no worries— but Dan and Matt are probably doing the straight-person nasty. We'll get breakfast tomorrow morning."
He pointed at Neil, stabbed his finger a couple times in silent emphasis while he spoke, and wheeled away again. Neil waited until the bedroom as quiet before getting up. She stood for a moment by the beanbag chair, debating, then turned off the light, and came back. It was easy to straighten the blanket out, easier to push the spare beanbag in front of her so the crunch of it moving would alert her, and easiest to get comfortable. She was asleep in minutes.
A bell woke her up the next morning, but it took her tired brain a moment to recognize the sound as a phone alert. Her phone vibrated in her pocket a second later. Neil scrubbed a tired hand across her eyes and stifled a yawn against her fist. A strident trill in the next room was Nicky's phone sounding off. That meant the bell was Kevin's phone, left out the night before, since Audrey was as likely as Neil was to have the sound turned off on her phone.
A mass text like that had to be from Wymack. Neil groaned a bit in protest, but dug her phone from her pocket. Wymack's morning message was short, but more than enough to wake her up: Kengo Moriyama was hospitalized again.
Her first thought was not of Riko, but of her father. She hoped he would catch wind of this. Neil hoped Nathan would be miserable. He was incarcerated and unlikely to see a sport's news channel, but he was Kengo's right-hand man. Someone would have to tell him. It was questionable if he would care, honestly, but if he was a fraction as loyal to Kengo as his men were to him, Neil knew he would be pacing grooves in his cell floor. Neil hoped whatever news came next would not just twist the knife, but rip him open top to bottom.
Neil sat up, and kicked her blanket aside. She cut the TV on, turned the volume down to a murmur, and flipped through channels. Kengo wasn't important enough to make the regular news, but it was sure to be mentioned on the sports news station that Wymack watched every morning. Audrey padded out of the bedroom as Neil finally found the right channel.
She only spared Neil a brief glance on her way to the kitchen, but Neil found her eyes stuck on Audrey. Her hair was down, snarled with sleep, but the way it drifted over her shoulders as she moved about to make coffee was soft. It didn't feel like the right word, in regards to Audrey Minyard, but there was no other way to describe the worn sweatpants and the inch of midriff visible when she reached into the cabinet.
Neil, too busy staring, caught only the tail-end of the clip. Either way, Wymack's text seemed to sum it all up. There would be an update as soon as someone made it out to Castle Evermore to harass Riko for a comment. Neil wondered if one of Kengo's people would tell Tetsuji and Riko, or if it wouldn't even occur to the main family to inform them. Maybe Riko would find out when someone put a microphone in his face again. It amused Neil, but only for the moment before it took her thoughts to Jean's safety.
Audrey returned across the room. Neil watched her approach and didn't fight as she took the remote and turned the TV off. "It's too early to obsess."
"This is important."
"To whom?" Audrey asked as she kicked the second beanbag back into its place, then sank into it. "It doesn't change our season and Riko is too stupid to harvest pity points. So who cares?"
"The people that are chasing me," Neil said.
Audrey only gave a one-shoulder shrug, and sipped her mug of coffee. Neil pondered about turning the television back on for only a moment before the smell of the freshly brewed pot caught her attention. She heaved herself up, then poured herself a mug. The dorm room was comfortably quiet. Kevin and Nicky had obviously slept through the messages, so the only real noise was Neil's clinks of porcelain.
Back on her beanbag, she had only gotten in a sip or two before Audrey asked, "Kissing you, yes or no?"
"Yes," Neil said.
Audrey snagged a foot underneath the bottom of Neil's beanbag and dragged them together. She set aside her mug, so Neil did the same, then purposefully sat on her hands. What started out as something almost gentle quickly became much more. All thoughts of Kengo and her father quickly slipped away, and she let Audrey kiss her senseless. She was cotton-headed and unsteady by the time Audrey pressed a hand flat against Neil's abdomen. Every nerve ending from her chest down seemed to twitch in response. Neil clenched her hands into fists, like that would keep them where they were, and let Audrey move in closer. She pulled back enough, presumably so Neil could protest, but when she didn't, Audrey climbed directly into Neil's lap.
Audrey seemed to consider Neil, waiting for a reaction she wasn't going to get. When Neil was sick of it, she kissed her neck, hoping to distract her. Neil was rewarded with a startled jolt. That was enough reason to do it again, once, then twice, then with her tongue. Audrey pushed her face away, but they were too close together for Neil to miss the way she shivered. Audrey kissed her before Neil could say anything about it.
Audrey pushed her hard down into the beanbag, mapping her out through her shirt, from shoulders to waist and back again. Her hands were soft, barely there over Neil's chest, and her touch made the ever-present soreness feel a little less bruising. She'd had her hands on Neil's bare skin just a couple weeks ago when she saw Neil's scars, but this felt completely different. This was Audrey learning every inch and edge of her. Her touch had never felt that heavy or hot before. Every press and every demanding slide of her fingers sent heat curling through Neil's veins. It made her restless, made her anxious, and made her lean a little deeper into Audrey's kisses.
Neil couldn't remember the last time she had put her hands on someone. It wasn't the girl in Canada– maybe the girl before? For the first time, she considered touching Audrey like that, and learning Audrey's body the way Audrey was memorizing hers. She wanted to find the places that made Audrey give ground.
She hadn't said that aloud, but as if on cue, Audrey followed Neil's arms down to her wrists. She was making sure Neil's hands were still pinned under her thighs, Neil guessed, so Neil jammed her hands deeper in response. Audrey caught hold of her wrists and squeezed to stop her. After a moment's consideration, she pulled Neil's hands free and held them by her head.
She kissed Neil like she wanted to bruise her lips, and leaned back to fix Neil with an intense stare. "Just here."
"Okay," Neil said, and dug her fingers into Audrey's hair as soon as the grip around her wrists went slack. It wasn't much, but it was a desperate relief having something to hold onto. Maybe that low rush in her gut was from being trusted enough to reach out at all. Neil would figure it out later. All that mattered was how easy it was to pull Audrey in for another kiss.
Audrey slowly let go of her wrists, and placed a hand flat on Neil's chest. They stayed like that for an age, Audrey testing Neil's control, and Neil completely content to kiss their mouths numb.
Audrey's hand between her legs was an unexpected weight.
Neil didn't realize how tight she twisted her fingers in Audrey's hair until Audrey bit her lower lip in warning. Neil forcibly loosened her death grip. She thought she tasted blood, but it was a fleeting tang quickly forgotten as Audrey slowly got her button and zipper undone.
When she pulled back, Neil gasped with the immediate loss. Audrey looked at her, evaluating, then said, "I want to finger you. Yes or no?"
"Yes," Neil gasped. Neil didn't quite know what fingering was, but it was explanatory enough. When Audrey hesitated at whatever she saw on Neil's face, she repeated herself. "Yes, god. Yes."
Audrey wasn't gentle, but Neil didn't want her to be. Neither of them had the constitution for tenderness. She rolled up on her knees to tug Neil's pants down just low enough. Neil hadn't realized how wet she had gotten until the warmth of it shifted against her skin when Audrey slid her hand in through the opening in her boxers.
Her exploration lasted only a second. Her movement after could easily be called ruthless, almost angry, Audrey's hand taking Neil as fast as she could go. Neil tried pulling her closer, but Audrey kept a hand flat on Neil's chest to keep space between their bodies. Neil's hips jerked up once, then twice, then her back bowed and her entire body bent upwards, out of her control. Neil squeezed her already-closed eyes hard, and gasped out Audrey's name. Her legs were trembling, nearly shaking with every time Audrey ruthlessly rubbed her palm against Neil's clit.
Audrey shifted, and her fingers curled deep. Neil arched again with a moan drowned in Audrey's mouth. Audrey kept her fingers fucking into that spot, and with the combination of her palm against Neil, it was too much. All the sensations had been mounting in a way that she had never felt before, and just when it got to be too much, her body tumbled over a metaphorical edge she didn’t even know was there, but was everything she needed. All she could do was gasp Audrey's name before her body bent up again. That time, though, it didn't stop. Neil shook with tremors of uncontrollable pleasure, and Audrey had to stop kissing her in order to put a hand over Neil’s mouth, muffling the noise that spilled out of her.
Neil slumped, and dropped her head back. Audrey blinked near-golden eyes open at Neil, then leaned back. She slipped her hand free, wiped her two fingers and then her palm off on Neil's boxers, and did up her fly.
Neil could only blink up at her.
"You'll need to clean yourself up," Audrey said.
"Why?" Neil asked, thoughts as pleasantly slow as molasses.
"You want Nicky and Kevin to see you with wet pants?"
Neil looked down, and Jesus, had she fucking pissed herself?
"This has never happened before," Neil said, feeling her cheeks heat infuriatingly. Embarrassment was quickly clearing the haze over her mind. "You'll have to get off me."
Audrey didn't get off. She only looked down at Neil quizzically. "That was your first time squirting?"
"That was my first time doing anything," Neil said, and scrubbed her hands over her cheeks to get rid of their blush. It didn't work. "I've never felt anything like that before."
"You've never had an orgasm before?" Audrey said.
Neil had an answer pushing behind her lips, but somehow knew it wouldn't be something Audrey liked, so she said, "No."
Audrey gave her an unreadable look, then pushed up and off Neil. "Go to the bathroom. If you don't piss after, you'll get a UTI."
"And come back, or no?" Neil asked.
"I wouldn't waste good coffee," Audrey said, and it would've been a nonsensical answer if it wasn't so her. "You'll have to change your pants. Take a while."
Neil took that as her cue, and went back to her own dorm. Sure enough, Dan was asleep in Matt's bunk, and Seth was nowhere to be found. Neil crept on silent feet to her dresser to ease out a fresh set of clothes, and didn't wake them, closing the door on her way out. She wasn't sure how long Audrey needed or wanted her to be gone for, so she showered, replaced her binding tape, and brushed her teeth too. After Neil combed through her wet curls, she went back to the cousin's dorm.
Audrey was missing, but their coffee mugs were where they had left them on the floor. Neil went to grab them, and nearly jumped as when she bent, she heard the shrill beeping of an alarm clock. She took her coffee back to the counter, and let her feet kick when she sat on the stools. Audrey spilled out of the bathroom, clearly also having showered, and took her coffee. Neil tried to press the thoughts of her alone in the shower with that brutal hand out of her mind. Nicky was short to follow, and made them both breakfast. If Neil smiled only at Audrey on her way out of their dorm hours later, that was no one's business but her own.
The week leading up to Nevada's match was an exhausting blur, but Neil loved almost every moment of it. Mornings were practices with her teammates, her days were wasted on the necessary evil of school, and her afternoons were spent at the court. The Foxes no longer looked askance at her for walking laps with the goalkeepers on break. After dinner with the upperclassmen, Neil and Kevin headed back to the stadium with their now-usual entourage of Seth, Renee, and Allison.
It was the routine she was used to, now with a critical addition. Neil went back to the dorm with Kevin and went down the hall as if going to her own room, but as soon as the door closed behind Kevin, she made an about-face and went back to the stairwell. The only way she was getting away with it was because Allison would always call it and take her two stragglers back to the dorms early. Audrey was waiting for her on the rooftop, usually with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle at her knee. The nights were still cool enough to warrant jackets, but Audrey's body heat burned most of the chill away.
They didn't talk at night, aside from a few yesses, maybe because they’d talked at practice, or maybe because it was late and they were only stealing a few minutes before much-needed sleep, but night was where Neil had the most questions. They itched at her when Audrey pinned her against chilly concrete, and worked hot hands under her shirt. Being curious about Audrey wasn't anything new, but the gnawing importance of those answers was. Kissing Audrey changed things, even if Neil knew it shouldn't.
She wanted to know where all of the lines were, and why she was the exception. She wanted to know how Audrey was okay with this after everything she had been through, and how long it had taken her to come to her sexuality after, or because of that abuse. Neil wanted a sounding board for thoughts she had and pushed down, and in the end, just wanted to make sure that Neil wasn't ever going to hurt Audrey in ways that both of them had already experienced far too much of.
Most of all, Neil wanted to know that Audrey still hated her, and that Neil's death wouldn't impact Audrey at all. She could have used their secrets game to justify prying, but Neil didn't want to fight for every piece and parcel. It would take too long, and she was running out of safe things to trade. It was better to just keep her mouth shut, and not think about it. Audrey’s own words from after the Catamounts’ game always came back to her when she was feeling extra desperate, and Neil grasped them each time, reminding herself to her best ability that Audrey really didn’t care.
Her control only lasted until Thursday. Renee's foster mother had just closed on a house, and it was all the upperclassmen could talk about at dinner. Renee wanted to go home and help her move that weekend. Matt was willing to get tickets for himself and Dan if she needed help. Neil didn't understand their enthusiasm until she remembered how sedentary their childhoods had been. Dan had lived in the same place for fifteen years, and Matt stayed with his father until high school. Allison had summer and winter homes and traveled plenty, but she had never actually moved.
It stayed with Neil all through evening drills and her shower afterward: not so much because it was odd, but because it was a perfect shortcut past hers and Audrey's game. As soon as Neil left Kevin in the hall that night, Neil took the stairs up to the roof.
Audrey was where she was every night, sitting cross-legged near the front ledge. Her cigarette was a too-bright blur against the rest of the shadows, and seemed to pulse when Audrey took a drag off of it. Neil stole the cigarette as she sat down beside Audrey, and turned it over in her hands. Audrey blew smoke in her face in response, so Neil flicked ash at her and made as if to stub the cigarette out. Audrey pinched her wrist, and took the stick back.
"Upperclassmen are going out of town this weekend," Neil said. "Renee's mother is moving, and apparently it's the most interesting thing to happen around here in months. I can't imagine what it'll be like when they all graduate and have to move. I know Nicky's going back to Germany when he graduates, but what will happen to his house? Is he selling it, or giving it to or Aaron?"
"Ask him," Audrey said.
Neil ignored that. "Do you want to stay in South Carolina?"
Audrey lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Planning that far ahead is a waste of time."
Neil hugged a knee to her chest and followed Audrey's gaze out to campus. The trees lining the hill between Fox Tower and Perimeter Road bloated out most of the streetlamps, but there were lampposts every twenty feet on campus sidewalks. It was after midnight, but Neil saw at least a dozen students out and about.
"Maybe I'll go to Colorado," Neil said. "It'd be an interesting change of pace anyway. I've mostly stuck to coastal states."
"Not California," Audrey said, not really a question.
Neil didn't know if she was humoring her best attempt at having a conversation about something other than Exy, or if she was genuinely curious. Neil didn't really care. Audrey's disconnect, learned or force, meant they probably amounted to the same thing. That Audrey responded at all,a nd prompted her to elaborate was a victory to Neil.
"I went through California on my way to Arizona, but didn't stay. I liked Seattle, I think, but…" Neil remembered the thick crunch of a pipe against her mother's body, and the feeling of bricks scraping the skin off her palms. "I couldn't live there again. I couldn't retrace my steps to any of those places."
"How many is 'any'?"
"Twenty-two cities," Neil said, but didn't say she had spread them across sixteen countries. Audrey still thought Neil had hit the road alone all those years ago. A child couldn't go back and forth across the world without help. "Longest stay was that year in Millport. Shortest was one week with my uncle."
"Am I supposed to believe he's real?" Audrey asked. "You told Nicky you would see him over Christmas. You lied."
"Uncle Stuart is real," Neil said. "He was the first person I went to when I ran away, but he's a gangster too. I didn't feel any safer with him than I did at home, and I didn't want to get dragged into his syndicate, so I left again. I still have his number, but I've never been desperate enough to call him. I don't know what his help would cost me. Did they move you a lot?"
"Twelve houses before Cass," Audrey said. "They were all in California."
"Were any of them good?" Neil asked.
She stared Neil down a minute, then stubbed her cigarette out and reached for her drink. "None of the ones I remember were."
Neil didn't want to know how far back her memory stretched. "So, California and South Carolina. You've really never been anywhere else except when travelling for a game?" Audrey only shrugged in dismissal. Neil thought it over for a bit, then said, "Spring break's coming up. We could go someplace."
"Go someplace," she echoed, like it was a foreign concept. "Where and why?"
"Anywhere," Neil said, then amended, "Anywhere at least three hours from campus. There's no point in going someplace closer than that. It won't feel like a vacation. The only trick is figuring out how to pry Kevin away from the court."
"I have knives," Audrey reminded her, and Neil rubbed a smile off her face at the mental image of that. "That doesn't answer the why."
Neil couldn't explain where the idea had come from, so she said, "Why not? I've never traveled just for the sake of it, either. I want to know what it's like."
"You have a problem," Audrey said, "wherein you only invest your time and energy into worthless pursuits."
"This," Neil flicked her fingers to indicate the two fo them, "isn't worthless."
"There is no 'this.' This is nothing."
"And I am nothing," Neil prompted. When Audrey gestured confirmation, Neil said, "And as you've always said, you want nothing."
Audrey stared, stone-faced, back at her. Neil would have assumed it was a silent rejection of Neil's veiled accusation if Audrey's hand hadn't frozen midair between them. Neil took the bottle from Audrey's other hand and set it off to one side where they wouldn't knock it over.
"That's a first," Neil said. "Do I get a prize for shutting you up?"
"A quick death," Audrey said. "I've already decided where to hide your body."
"Six feet under?" Neil guessed.
"Stop talking," Audrey said, and kissed her.
Neil went to bed far too late that night, and morning came much too early. She half-dozed through all of her classes and caught quick nap before the game. It was a good thing she did, because Nevada was a brutal opponent, and a harsh wake-up call. This round, the Foxes were up against the two other schools who had survived the evens' death matches. The sudden jump in skill and difficulty nearly knocked the Foxes off their feet. It was made infinitely harder by Seth's absence. His red card against UVM meant he was benched for the entire game, and there was no reprieve for Kevin and Neil. They had played a full game against the Ravens, sure, but this time it felt different. Luckily, Neil felt her second wind in her bones, and went back onto the court ready.
It was enough, but jsut barely. They ended the game in a six-up tie, and championships didn't allow for overtime. Draws were settled by shootouts. Nevada had seven strikers to cycle through whereas Neil and Kevin would have to keep alternating without Seth. Neil's heart was thunder in her ears as she followed Kevin to far-fourth. She inhaled as deep as she could and let it out slowly, willing her nerves to wait until later.
"This isn't the game we should have played, but this is an acceptable outcome," Kevin said when he saw the tight look on Neil's face. Neil shook her head, not understanding. "We are ending tonight with nearly he same number of points, and Nevada plays again before we do. We will know before we face Binghamton how many points we must score to proceed."
"I guess," Neil said, unconvinced.
The Tornadoes took the first shot and scored. Kevin scored on his first attempt, and the next Tornado striker scored as well. Neil landed her ball home against the goal and looked to Audrey. Audrey slammed the next striker's shot all the way down the court, and Neil could breathe again. She looked at Kevin, who smiled in vicious triumph as he stepped up to the line. His next shot landed in the bottom corner of the goal, and the Foxes won the game by one point.
Thursday's night practice was canceled on account of the night's line-up, and Neil had Seth tell the girls. The odds bracket had their last games that night, with Edgar Allan against Maryland and Penn state against USC. Only two teams from each bracket would proceed to the fourth round, which meant one of the big three was getting eliminated. It was the first time in six years one of them was going home before semifinals and Kevin needed to see it happen. Seth spreading the news to the girls somehow turned into an invitation and they all ended up staying at the stadium after Wymack dismissed them for the day.
Some clever scheduler made sure the Ravens and Trojans were the hosting schools. The time zone difference meant the Foxes could watch both games back-to-back. Wymack ordered them pizzas but didn't stick around for the matches. He'd nailed down which six players he wanted to recruit and was hoping to have all of them signed by the time the Foxes got back from spring break. Neil was glad her player had made the cut, but she felt quietly guilty for not pushing Wymack into getting a third striker.
Dan kicked Wymack off his computer long enough to use his printer. She came back with four signs and a roll of tape, then hung the papers above the TV. They were each team's cumulative points going into tonight's matches. Kevin barely glanced at them while the Raven match was on, but as soon as the USC-Penn State game started he kept darting quick looks up at them. Neil knew Kevin was a Trojans fan, but she hadn't realized how diehard Kevin was about it. Kevin watched the game like a poor result would be the death of him. Neil almost wished Penn State would win just so she could see Kevin throw a temper tantrum.
By the time the Trojans and Lions hit halftime, Neil had forgotten all about Kevin. She'd been so wrapped up in the Foxes' season and the Ravens, she'd forgotten how spectacular the rest of the Big Three were. These teams played like they were professionals. They didn't have the Ravens' spotless record, but they were only a half-step behind Edgar Allan. Kevin had warned them weeks ago the Foxes weren't ready to face these schools. For once his callous dismissal felt like a gentle understatement.
She wasn't the only one who found it a sobering sight. Dan muted the commercials, tapped the remote against her thigh in a nervous rhythm, and said, "So we definitely need to step it up, guys."
Kevin frowned at her. "Even if you'd stepped it up when I told you to a year ago, you would have no chance of beating them. There is nothing at all you can do this late in the year. They are better than we are and they always will be."
"Do you get off on being such a Debbie Downer?" Nicky asked.
"Denial does none of us any good," Kevin said. "We struggled against Nevada. How do you honestly expect us to make it past the Big Three?"
"California's overdue for a big earthquake," Nicky pointed out. "That'd take care of USC, at least."
"That's a little extreme, don't you think?" Renee asked.
"We need something extreme at this point," Allison said.
Renee's expression was calm and her tone steady, but Renee didn't need to look disappointed in them for them to get the message. "The Trojans had our backs when we needed them most. Do you really want them to suffer just so we can profit?"
"It's just not fair," Nicky said, shying away from her gaze. "Us getting this far and putting up with so much and then losing here, I mean."
"We haven't lost yet," Dan said, "but we will lose if you give up right out of the gate."
Kevin started to say something Neil knew would be negative and dismissing. Neil reached behind Audrey and popped Kevin in the back of the head to shut him up. Matt choked on a laugh and tried unsuccessfully to pass it off as a cough. Seth didn't even bother disgusting his snort. Kevin froze for a startled second, then sent Neil a scathing look.
"No one wants to hear that right now," Neil said. "No one thought we could get where we are now, but here we are."
"If you hit me again," Kevin started.
Audrey cut in with a casual, "You'll what?"
Kevin shut up but didn't look happy about it. Allison gestured to Dan. Neil saw it only in her peripheral vision, not enough to tell what she did, but when she glanced over there, Dan was making a face. Matt slung an arm around Dan's shoulder and gave her a short squeeze. It could have been unrelated, but the smile Matt couldn't quite fight off was more smug than sympathetic. Neil looked to Renee to see if she understood, but she couldn't get any hints from her serene expression.
"You know," Matt started, but Dan turned the volume back on before Matt could finish. He grinned at her, amused instead of offended, and let it drop. Neil wanted to wonder about it, but the allure of the match was too strong.
Halftime was over a few minutes later, and the Trojans and Lions went back at it with new line-ups and terrifying skill. Another point from USC took a little of the tension from Kevin's shoulders, but he didn't relax until USC finally won. With an astounding thirty-seven goals between their three round-three games, the Trojans were following the Ravens to the second set of death matches.
"You could look less happy about this," Nicky said when he saw Kevin's satisfied smile. "We're going to have to face them."
"They worked for this," Kevin said, with a cool look in Neil's direction. Neil, naturally, ignored him.
Dan rolled her eyes and cut the TV off, and the Foxes finally called it a night.
Notes:
tldr-
audrey: is fucking mean
neil: right, i forgot. it works better for us both if you hate me
audrey:
audrey: let’s ignore that i was mean as hell
audrey: neillllll why r u ignoring me :(((
audrey: what if i talk about exy
audrey: neil :(
Chapter 23: the wesninski crew
Notes:
later i will pick through this chapter with a fine tooth comb. for now i am editing this on a computer that isn't mine, half asleep, and desperately need a nap. tws are a little tougher than the regular baltimore chapter. they include, torture, mutilation, breast mutilation, rape, implied rape, drugging, graphic violence, and also nathan wesninski. if this chapter just isn't for u that's fine too, read at your own risk. there’s a summary at the end, if you want to read to the end of the binghamton game and then skip the rest, to get that andreil moment on the bus!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Unfortunately for the Foxes, Binghamton University was less than eight hundred miles from home. It was considered too close to waste money on airfare, so they were out of bed by five and on the road before six. Between lunch, unavoidable bathroom breaks, and the rush hour traffic they were sure to hit on the way up the coast, it was destined to be a long ride. Neil didn't even have any schoolwork to distract herself with, as they'd just survived a week of midterms. Next week was spring break, so none of Neil's teachers had sent her home with assignments.
At the four-hour mark the upperclassmen made a strident case to upgrade the bus next season with a TV. Wymack feigned not to hear them, but he couldn't tune them out forever. Finally he promised to look into it if they won finals. The Foxes knew Wymack-speak well enough to know it was a "yes" no matter how the season ended. It didn't help their boredom today, but it was something to look forward to for next year.
Six hours in, they stopped for an early lunch, and Dan got Kevin talking about the Binghamton Bearcats on the way across the parking lot.
Kevin hesitated in the aisle, torn between arguing the merits of the night's opponents with his teammates and staying within Audrey's protective circle. His indecision effectively blocked the Foxes' foot traffic, since he'd been second onto the bus behind Audrey. It took Audrey only a minute to realize she'd lost Kevin. She gave a dismissive gesture, so Kevin slid into the seat behind Dan and Matt. Aaron and Nicky claimed the bench right behind him. Neil doubted they were that interested in what Kevin had to say; it was more likely they were bored out of their skulls and desperate to socialize. Aaron was still on the outs with Audrey, but had been warming back up to the rest of their group. This was still the most blatant show of that, which surprised Neil until she wondered if it was part of Aaron's plan to leave Audrey alone in the back.
There was an open spot on Kevin's bench, plenty of room for Neil to join them. Kevin wasn't saying anything he and Neil hadn't gone over at their night practices, but Neil should still listen and glean whatever advice she could. Besides, it wouldn't take long for Nicky to pull the conversation off-course, and the Foxes would be a good distraction from this endless ride.
Staying up there with them, though, meant leaving Audrey alone for the second half of the trip. Neil knew she likely wouldn't notice or care that she'd been abandoned, but for some reason the thought rankled her. Neil had spent her entire life drifting by on the outskirts, looked over and looked past. It'd made her happy, or so she'd thought, because being ignored meant she was safe. She hadn't realized how lonely she was until she met the Foxes.
"Neil?" Dan asked when she saw Neil wasn't moving.
Kevin frowned at Neil like he had no honest idea why Neil wasn't already sitting down with him. For a moment, Neil felt trapped, stuck between what she wanted and what she needed, what she'd never have or be and what she had but couldn't keep. It sent an unexpected bolt of panic through her chest and Neil jerked his gaze away.
When she started for the back of the bus, Kevin tried to call her back with an annoyed, "Get back here."
Neil didn't look at him or slow. "No."
The seat cushion creaked and Kevin's shoe hit the floor with a too-heavy thud. Neil knew Kevin was coming after her, sick of Neil's distractions and back-talking, but a half-second later Kevin snapped at someone to let go of him., Neil knew neither Aaron nor Nicky would have thought to intervene, so it was probably Seth.
Kevin settled for fussing at Neil in French: "Remember that you gave me your game. You don't have the right to walk away from me when I am trying to teach you."
"I gave my game to you so we could get to finals," Neil snapped back. "But you said yesterday that you don't expect us to make it there. You have given up on us, so I'm taking my game back. I don't owe you anything anymore."
"Stop acting like a spoiled child. Tonight's game rides on how well you and I perform. You need to hear this more than anyone does."
"I have heard it all before," Neil said. "Leave me alone."
Neil claimed Kevin's abandoned seat, second from the back, and right in front of Audrey's. Dan waited only a couple seconds to see if anymore French was forthcoming before prodding Kevin's attention back to their aborted conversation. It took a few tries before Kevin stopped fuming long enough to cooperate. Neil waited until they started speaking before pulling her phone out of her pocket.
Every night since her birthday, she had gotten a number. Today's sobering 0 had arrived during lunch. Neil didn't know what to make of it, or what to expect next. It was as anticlimactic as it was nerve-wracking. She wanted to erase the message as she had every single one before it, but when her phone prompted her for confirmation, she powered it down instead. She put it away, turned backwards in the seat, and pushed up onto her knees to look down at Audrey.
Audrey ignored her, but Neil didn't mind. She was more than content to look, arms folded over the back of her seat and chin propped on a forearm. She didn't know what she was looking for. Audrey looked as she always had, and Neil knew her face as well as she knew every iteration of her own. Despite that, something seemed different. Maybe it was the sunlight streaming through the window, making Audrey's pale hair shine brighter, and her hazel eyes seem almost gold. Whatever it was, it was disorienting. A wordless question buzzed under Neil's skin, leaving her restless and out-of-sorts.
"Hey," Neil said, because maybe if Audrey looked at her, she would figure it out.
It only took a moment, but Audrey finally slid a calm gaze her way. It made her stomach flip. She only tolerated the staring another minute before saying, "Stop."
"I'm not doing anything."
"I told you not to look at me like that."
Neil didn't understand, so she let it slide. "Is it exhausting, seeing everything as a fight?"
"Not as exhausting as running from everything must be."
"Maybe," Neil allowed. "I told you that I'm working on that."
"Work harder."
"I'm trying. I promised you I would stay, and I have."
"You have," Audrey allowed. "You never explained your change of heart."
"I got tired of seeing Kevin bend. I think the zombies only secured it." When Audrey just stared at her, Neil shrugged and said, "A few weeks back, you and Renee argued contingency plans for a zombie apocalypse. She said she would focus on survivors. You said you would go back for some of us. Five of us," Neil said, splaying her fingers at Audrey. "You weren't counting Abby or Coach. Since you trust Renee to handle the rest of the team, I'm guessing the last spot is for Dobson. Aaron, Nicky, Kevin, Renee, Dobson."
She thought Audrey wouldn't answer that, so she was caught off guard when Audrey said, "You."
"Me?" Neil asked.
Audrey held up her hand, holding her five fingers up. "Like you said, Renee can handle herself."
Neil tucked her chin on her palm. "Well, good. I didn't say anything then, because I knew I would look out for only me when the world went to hell. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you."
"You wouldn't," she said. "You're a different kind of suicidal. Didn't you figure that out in December? You're bait. You're the martyr no one asked for or wanted."
Neil knew she wasn't that good of a person to even be considered a martyr, but she said, "Good thing I'm on your list, then."
"Maybe," Audrey allowed.
She tipped her head to one side, pleased, and rested her cheek on her arms to look out the window. They were crossing Virginia, barely over halfway to their goal. East coast interstates offered boring views clogged with endless cars and uneven asphalt. Neil thought of the coastal roads through California: the ocean on one side and the world on the other. There were too many towns too small for stoplights. Neil lifted her hands and checked her fingernails for blood. There wasn't any, of course, but for a moment she thought she smelled it.
"I've been through here," Neil said, because she wanted to talk to Audrey. Because something, anything, needed to be said to keep Audrey's attention. She needed to let her words fill silences before her thoughts ran away from her completely. Audrey looked at her again, which Neil took as wordless permission to continue. She told Audrey about the cities she had been through, their back alleys and tourist stops and skitchy city buses. Most of her memories were stained with tension and fear, but she didn't have to water that down with Audrey. She just had to cut out every mention of Mary.
It was strange, sharing this history with someone else. Neil grew up looking over her shoulder, but she always had been looking for her father. There was rarely a reason to think back on her day-to-day life. It passed the time, though, and Audrey let her ramble. She never once took her eyes off Neil's face, or looked like she was mentally tuned out.
Eventually, Neil slid into Audrey's seat, and Audrey allowed her to intertwine their fingers. Audrey spoke softly about her transition to Columbia. She spoke about her first meeting with Luther, seeing fresh bruises on Aaron after and making up her mind quickly after that, and each meeting in juvie after that. Neil wondered if the gaps in her story were leaving out Audrey herself, or Cass.
"It was strange, being in school again," Audrey said after a silence dragged minutes long. "South Carolina is one of the lowest states for education, so there was no catch-up period, even though I was fresh out of juvie. School with Aaron was fine. It was only a semester, and then I finished my plans with Tilda just in time. I needed to get Aaron clean, and we had all of winter break once we moved in with Nicky. I got all sorts of cans from the case lot, all with a pop-top, and a bunch of granola bars, and then locked Aaron in there. Everything goes on sale after Thanksgiving. It was bad, the first few days. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle, but I think it really freaked Nicky out. He didn't know me, not really. Still doesn't."
Neil thought she was done with the matter, moving onto simple descriptions and small stories and descriptions of their high school, but she finally circled back around. Either way, Neil was almost hypnotized.
"It was good that we had a house and not an apartment, I think, because neighbors would have heard him yelling. The neighbors already didn't like Tilda, since she brought her constant stream of men over all the time, but I think Nicky was trying to win them over. He was mowing their lawns sometimes, when he had time with Sweetie's. None of them reported us for the sounds, though, so they probably didn't hear. I soundproofed it all with towels, but that wouldn't have helped if someone was listening through the floors. It wasn't just the yelling, either. Aaron really tried to break the door down for the first few days. He was maybe eighty-pounds soaking wet, though, since the drugs fucked with his appetite, I think. I don't know how much he was actually eating, since he flushed some of the food down the toilet as a threat that he would starve, but he eventually lost energy and stopped trying to break out. The first thing he did when he got out was ignore me, and then get a haircut. We've kind of been at this stalemate ever since. Chopped off all his hair, and told Nicky he wanted to start spelling his name with an A and not an E. I had met a few people like him in juvie, and honestly I don't give a fuck, but I think he was using it as some kind of spite towards me. Not the act itself, but I think the haircut was a reaction to me pretending to be him to kill Tilda. I think Nicky was too surprised to react, or I think there would have been a party involved. I got a matching haircut to his, and Nicky said there wasn't a masculine spelling for Audrey that he was aware of. I told him to fuck off."
"Did he?"
"It's Nicky."
Neil smiled, then rested her head against the back of the seat, and let Audrey's voice wash over her. It was the most they had spoken to each other, and she was clinging to every word. Audrey continued, telling Neil about when school started back up. When Nicky moved in to keep an eye on them, he started as a host at Sweetie's. He found out about Eden's Twilight from the customers he chatted up and, after going out of his way to befriend the bouncers and Roland, snagged a gig there as a bar-back. Eventually, Nicky got Aaron and Audrey part-time jobs in the kitchen washing dishes and doing basic food prep. The more comfortable the staff got with the odd pair, the easier it was to talk drinks out of them. It wasn't until they went off to college that they had to get those drinks at the bar counter, like the rest of the club's clientele.
The bus decelerating got her attention, and she looked out the window as Abby took an exit ramp to a busy street. A travel center was two stoplights down, one half packed with diesel pumps, and big rigs, the other half crowded with regular traffic. Abby found them a parking spot on the trucks' side and killed the engine. Neil was confused to be stopping again so soon, but a glance at her watch showed she had lost almost three hours talking with Audrey. They were now only two and a half hours out from Binghamton.
"Last stop before campus," Wymack announced, and the front half of the bus cleared off.
Wymack stood at his seat until everyone but Neil and Audrey were gone. He looked at them like he wanted to stay something, then held his hands up in a forget-it gesture, and exited the bus. Neil watched out the window as her teammates disappeared inside. She was still full from lunch, but old habits demanded she take advantage of any pit stop.
Before getting up, though, she said, "I really want to know when Coach figured us out."
"There is no us," Audrey reminded her.
Neil didn't roll her eyes, but it was a near thing. "I really want to know when Coach figured out that you only want to kill me ninety-three percent of the time."
"He didn't know before I left," Audrey said.
But she had known as soon as Audrey returned, it seemed. Neil remembered Wymack's trick at practice in January, when he'd used Neil to rein Audrey in, Neil hadn't even known then, so it wasn't like he could have slipped up when she was with Wymack for New Year's. Neil thought back, looking for the first hint that Wymack suspected something was going on with them, searching each memory. When she came up empty, Neil eventually hummed.
"I just don't understand. He figured it out so early, I just didn't know what he meant. How did he see it when Aaron and Nicky still can't?"
"Coach doesn't see rumors and bias," Audrey said. "He sees what is, not what people want him to see."
Like he had seen through Audrey's supposed dysfunction, Neil guessed. Aaron and Nicky, on the other hand, still believed Audrey was a borderline sociopath incapable of having normal human relationships. Nicky put money on Renee and Audrey because everyone else did, but even he admitted he didn't want it to work out.
"Are you ever going to tell them?" Neil asked.
"I won't have to," Audrey said. "Renee says the upperclassmen are betting on your sexuality. They're split down the middle."
Matt had said they were betting on Neil, but that wasn't what Neil expected them to be putting money on. She floundered, unsure how to react, but said, "It's a waste of time and money. They'll all lose. I've said all year that I don't swing, and I meant it. Kissing you doesn't make me look at any of them differently. The only one I'm interested in is you."
"Don't say stupid things."
"Then stop me," Neil returned. She buried her hands in Audrey's hair and tugged her in for a kiss. It was easy to forget the endless ride and the night's game with Audrey's hand on her thigh and teeth on her lip. Audrey pulled away too soon and got to her feet. Neil knew it wasn't the time or the place, but that didn't stop her from feeling cheated.
They meandered off the bus and joined the rest of the Foxes inside for drinks. Wymack only let the team wander for a couple more minutes before shepherding them across the parking lot and back to the bus. The rest of Audrey's lot stayed in the front for the last few hours. Neil stole Kevin's seat again until Audrey said her name, and she took the spot next to her again. Neil couldn't think of anything to say, but the silence was surprisingly comfortable. She asked once for permission and after Audrey's nod, she propped her head on her shoulder and napped the last of the drive away.
The Binghamton University campus was decked out in green and white for the night's game, and the stadium parking lot was packed with more people than cars. If there were any Fox fans in the crowd, Neil couldn't find them. She powered her phone back on to watch the time tick down to serve. Police were on hand in reflective vests, directing traffic and monitoring alcohol use. Neil studied the tailgating parties they passed. Everyone seemed to be in high spirits. The Bearcats beat the Tornadoes last week seven to six, and were ready for another victory.
Nevada had fourteen points for round three, and the Foxes currently stood at eight. To proceed to next round's death match, they had to get at least seven points. The Bearcats were a better-balanced team than Nevada was, but the Foxes were cautiously optimistic. They'd had a great game against Nevada, a week off to rest, and Seth was back with them from his red card.
Guards opened the gate for Abby to drive though, and she parked alongside the Bearcats' buses. Wymack ushered his team off, counted heads as they disembarked, and got the storage compartment open. They unloaded the gear and let the campus police escort them out of the parking lot and to the door. They had the better part of an hour to kill before they were allowed in the inner ring for warmups. Neil spent it reading and rereading the Bearcats' lineup. When Kevin caught her at it, he took the papers away and gave her a verbal review instead. He might be mad at Neil still, but the game was more important than their fight.
Neil followed her teammates onto the court for first serve. She thought about USC and Edgar Allan, and let her grim determination give her speed and strength. She threw herself against the Bearcats' defenses again and again, pushing herself to the edge of exhaustion and coming dangerously close to getting carded more than once.
At halftime, Wymack threatened to skin her alive if she picked up a red card, but Dan nodded encouragement behind his back when he moved on. She understood what Neil did: no one could afford to scale it back yet. They were two points behind going up against a fresh lineup. So long as they scored three points that half, they would advance, but Neil didn't want to lose tonight. She had promised the Foxes they weren't going to lose any games that spring. For once, Neil didn't want to lie.
A warning bell urged them back to court, and starting line-up took their spots by the door. Aaron and Audrey were the last two in line, but Aaron shifted out of the way at Neil's approach. Neil barely noticed. She knew the last minute to second half was ticking down on the screens overhead, because the stands were in an uproar. She was dimly aware of the court to her left, and her tense teammates lined up behind her. The only thing that really mattered was Audrey, who stood unaffected by the chaos.
For the first time, Neil thought she truly appreciated Audrey's apathy. In a stadium gone mad, and with too much on the line, Neil finally saw Audrey as the crucial eye of the storm. Audrey refused to get caught up on it, and that made her the only person on the court with a cool head.
"Last month you shut the Catamounts out," Neil said. "Can you do it again tonight?"
"The Catamounts were a wretched team," Audrey said. "They brought that ridicule on themselves."
"Can you, or can't you?"
"I don't see why I should."
Neil heard the click of a lock coming undone and knew the referees were opening the door. Audrey wasn't moving yet, but Neil still put an arm in her path to keep her where she was. She pressed her gloved hand to the wall and leaned in as close to Audrey as she could with their gear.
"I'm asking you to help us," Neil asked. "Will you?"
Audrey considered her for a moment. "Not for free."
"Anything," Neil promised, and stepped back to her place in line again.
Neil didn't know what she'd gotten herself into, but she honestly didn't care, because Audrey delivered exactly what she wanted her to. Audrey closed the goal like her life depended on it, and smashed away every shot. The Bearcat strikers took that challenge head-on. They feinted and swerved and threw every trick shot they had at Audrey. More than once, Audrey used her glove or body to block a ball she couldn't get her racquet to in time.
That might have been enough, except Audrey didn't stop there. For the first time ever, she started talking to the defense line. Neil only understood her in snatches, since there was too much space and movement between them, but what she caught was enough. Audrey was chewing out the backliners for letting the strikers get past them so many times, and ordering them to pick up the pace. Neil worried for a moment what they would do with her rude brand of teamwork at their backs, but the next time she got a good look at Matt, he was grinning like it was the most fun he'd had in years.
It took all of second half for the Foxes to catch up, and with one minute left on the clock, Seth scored and put them in the lead. The last sixty seconds of the game were a blur of violence and threats as the Bearcats tried to draw even. The final buzzer sounded on a Fox win, and the teams were fighting before the sound petered off.
Neil didn't know who started it; she shot a triumphant look down the court to Audrey and started when she saw the Bearcat strikers tangling with Nicky and Matt. Allison and her dealer mark got dragged into it when they went to intervene. Kevin started that way, but Neil ran to grab him. If Kevin got into it, Audrey would get involved, and the violence would escalate to unforgivable levels. She dragged Kevin around the brawl instead, so Audrey could see he was fine. Wymack and the Bearcats' three coaches helped the referees untangle their players. The teams skipped the handshake in favor of stomping off the court. Since Wymack didn't waste his breath yelling at them, Neil guessed the Foxes hadn't thrown the first punch.
It was Neil's turn to help Dan with the post-game press. Audrey caught Neil's eye and tipped her head toward the locker room. She was respecting Neil's decision to stand alone, and wouldn't hover while she said her piece. Neil answered that trust with a small smile, and Audrey turned away. Neil would have watched her go, but Dan slung an arm around her shoulders and redirected her attention to where it needed to be.
After press, they walked like that to the locker rooms. She didn't say anything, but she didn't have to. Neil could practically feel her excitement radiating off of her. They had made an incredible comeback tonight, and continued their perfect streak. One game stood between them and semifinals. All they had to do was win their rematch against the Bearcats in two weeks, and they were in.
The showers were going when Neil finally made it to the men's room. The Bearcats, like the Foxes, had actual stalls so Neil didn't have to wait. She carried her clothes to one of the open stalls and let the hot water work every ache out of her exhausted body. She didn't waste time removing her tape, since she didn't have time to reapply it, even if leaving it wasn't her favorite option either. By the time she was done and getting dressed again, the locker room was empty. Neil packed her bag and slung it over her shoulder.
Neil was halfway to the door when her phone hummed. Her first thought was it was a text, but her phone kept buzzing. She stopped to pull it out of her pocket. The screen was bright with an incoming call, and as soon as she spotted the numbers, the world tilted. She didn't recognize the number, but she would know the 443 area code anywhere.
Baltimore was calling.
"Don't run."
The sound of her own voice startled her. She hadn't meant to speak, but the words out of her mouth grounded her all the same. Her muscles screamed with barely leashed tension; she was braced and ready to run, but she held her ground. Neil fought to relax, but her blood pounded in her temples.
This wasn't Nathan. It couldn't be; it wouldn't be. It was Riko, or one of Riko's lackeys playing a sick joke. Riko would know by now that the Foxes had made it to the fourth round. His attempt to rattle Neil with that countdown had failed. Neil knew that was the logical explanation, but it still took her until the fourth ring to answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Junior. Do you remember me?"
Neil's heart lurched to a sick halt. She would know that voice anywhere.
She slid the phone away from her ear long enough to suck in a slow breath. It didn't help. Her lungs were full of shards of ice, chilling her to the bone and cutting her up from the inside out. It was an age before Neil found her voice again, and she couldn't keep a thick edge from it.
"I didn't give you this number, Lola."
"So you do remember me," she said. "Now, you see, that's bad, because if you remember me, you remember who you are and where your place is."
"Your brother took that place from me fifteen years ago. I made my own place here."
"You don't have that right." She gave her a beat to respond, but Neil couldn't breathe. "Are you listening? It is time to go. If you make this difficult for us, you will regret it for the rest of your very short life. Do you understand?"
Neil swallowed a mouth of hot saliva, and then repeated the action. Lola took care of bodies for her father; it was a special occasion when she was the one to make them. That was what the rest of Nathan's people were for. Neil remembered faces better than names, but the names of the Wesninski crew would always stay with her. She could guess who she had brought. Her partner of choice, Romero, and where Romero went, Jackson was never far behind. The three were Nathan's inner circle. They answered only to Nathan's right hand man, DiMaccio, and Nathan himself.
Neil could have tried outrunning one of them. She had only managed one at a time, proof of every scar on her. She would never make it past three. Her hands were numb with fear, but fast on the heels of fright was an irrational and wild anger. She was finally halfway to winning Audrey's trust, a weekend away from her very first vacation, and only a month from semifinals. She thought she would have until May. Neil was so close to everything she wanted, and Lola was here to steal it away.
"You'll regret this," Neil said.
"Oh, what's this?" Lola said, entertained. "Has the baby finally inherited a spine? Your father will be glad to hear it."
"My–" Neil said, but choked on it. "He is in Seattle. You'll never get me that far."
"He is in Baltimore," Lola corrected her. "His parole hearing was on your birthday. They had to notify his family when his case came up. You must have missed it, being dead and all, so I'll fill you in. They made a final decision last week, and the feds swung it so he would get released back to Maryland this morning. They're hoping being back in familiar territory will make him careless. Don't worry for your poor Daddy, though. They'll never even know you stopped by. I'll make sure of it."
Neil blinked and saw that zero on her eyelids.
She was out of time.
For a moment, Neil felt the weight of Audrey's mouth against hers. She dug her fingers into her lower lip, and tried to breathe around them.
"You don't honestly think you can take me away from here," Neil said. "My team will know I'm missing, and they won't get back on the road without me."
"They don't have a choice. We can't kill them, but we can hurt them," Lola giggled. "You'll see."
"No," Neil said, but Lola hung up. Neil called her back, but it went straight to voicemail– she had cut the phone off already.
Her hands gave a tremor that had her nearly dropping the phone. She shook them, like she could knock the trembling out of them, but the quivers were bone-deep. Her mind raced a thousand miles an hour, grabbing at every exit strategy and dismissing every one that ended with her running. She couldn't. Not if it was going to hurt her Foxes.
Not if it would be a betrayal to Audrey.
She had promised Audrey she would hold her ground, but she couldn't do that if it meant catching her teammates in the crossfire. The only way to save her team was to do the last thing Nathan's people expected of her. She had run and lied and hid all of her life. Telling the truth to save herself, to save her team, was completely out of character. Neil had wanted to do it when the season was over, but she couldn't afford to wait any longer. The Foxes could sit tight there until the feds showed up to take them all into protective custody.
Neil hurried out of the changing room and around the corner. A security guard was waiting for her. It didn't take more than a second to recognize him. Neil would know every disgusting line of his face anywhere. Retreating from him was instinctive, but the knowledge of her team nearby inside had her grabbing at the wall to stop herself before he got far.
"Come on, then, Nat," Romero said softly, almost crooning. Neil didn't know if it was the volume he said it or the blood rushing in her ears, but she could hardly hear it. The only thing she could focus on was his hand resting casually on the gun hooked to his belt. "You wouldn't want to upset your Daddy, would you?"
Neil flinched, and gave a fierce shake of her head. She was six all over again. Romero turned away from her to face the rest of the hall. She had nowhere to run; Romero at her back and Lola somewhere nearby. A security officer stood at the end of the hall, looking in on the Foxes where they were celebrating in the lounge. Neil froze when the officer looked her way, and got a good look at his face. Jackson Plank was in the locker room with her team. When she stopped again, Jackson took a step towards her team.
Neil could recognize the warning that it was, and only stumbled a little, throwing her hands up in a desperate plea to stand down. She didn't want Romero anywhere near Audrey, but she didn't want Jackson to hurt any of them either.
"If we're all accounted for, we should head out," Jackson said.
"We're still waiting for Neil," Nicky said, and Jackson gestured down the hall in Neil's direction. Neil swallowed against the stones in her throat, and tried to school her expression into something calm. She continued down the hall on feet that wanted to carry anywhere but there. Nicky jumped to his feet, and when Neil stepped into the den, grinned ear to ear. "Hey, Neil! We were starting to think you had drowned in there!"
"I'm sorry," Neil said.
Nicky waved it off, thinking Neil was apologizing for the wait, and went to grab his stuff. Neil watched the team gather their things, looking from one face to another and tried to savor these last, impossible seconds. Wymack watched over them all from the corner, triumph and an unlit cigarette still hanging from the corner of his mouth. Abby was repacking her bag; she'd likely been checking on the scrapes her team picked up in the brawl.
The five feet between Neil and her team could have been miles. Looking at them all, Neil was as sad as she was proud. She was halving their chances of making it through the season, and this was Seth's last year. The girls still had one more, though. They were fighters, though. If anyone could make it by on the bare minimum of players, it would be the Foxes. And, well, if they didn't, they would come back swinging harder than ever next year, and wouldn't let anything stop them.
She was sorry to leave them with all of her lies. She was sorry they would have to get the truth from Kevin. They were all right there with her, but she missed them with a ferocity that was turning her inside out.
Of course, only Audrey saw the strain in Neil's mask. She made to cross the room to stand in front of Neil, a silent demand already burning in her eyes, but Neil shook her head. She couldn't let Audrey near Romero. Maybe it was irrational, but Neil couldn't bear to see them near each other. Audrey didn't need another person– well. Neil instead took slow steps in her direction when she was sure Jackson and Romero were still by the door.
She couldn't use German, though it was the obvious answer. Jackson and Romero wouldn't understand it, and would react like she was spilling every dark secret. Neil couldn't allow that. She didn't want to leave Audrey with nothing, but what could she possibly say?
"Thank you," she finally said. She couldn't say she meant thanks for all of it: the keys, the trust, the honesty, and the kisses. Hopefully, Audrey would figure it out eventually. "You were amazing."
She meant it for Audrey's ears only, but Allison was close enough to overhear. She sent Matt a significant look. Neil saw it in her peripheral vision, but didn't take her eyes off Audrey to see Matt's reaction. She didn't want to look away, as if by holding Audrey's gaze, she could somehow save this moment. Then, Wymack was motioning for them to head out, and Neil had no choice but to turn her back on her teammates.
They left the stadium in a line, Romero in front and Jackson in the back. Neil had been closest to the exit, so she was right behind Romero. She hated being that close to her father's man, but she liked to think her body was a shield between Romero's cruelty and her unsuspecting team. She tried to keep her stare on his back, but she kept looking for Lola in the crowd. Only half of the fans had headed home for the night. The rest were having a post-game party on the stadium lawn. The smell of alcohol was so thick that Neil could almost taste it.
The Foxes' fans were lined up to one side of the walkway, and they cheered the team's arrival. They were swiftly drowned out by the vile insults from the other side, where the Bearcats' fans stood. The Foxes ignored both sides and kept moving. Even Nicky was smart enough to keep his mouth shut, not wanting to rile the bitter fans further, but it didn't matter in the end. They were halfway to the parking lot when a bottle came flying out of nowhere. Aaron's curse a few spots back said it'd hit him, and Audrey shot a deadly look at the crowd. A shoe was hurled next, then another empty beer bottle.
More police shoved their way toward the team, yelling for order and pointing fingers. They might have succeeded in restoring order, except the next thing thrown was someone's cooler. Dan dodged in the nick of time, and it crashed into a drunk fan on the Foxes' other side. There was a furious outcry from the man's friends that was swiftly picked up by the crowd at their back.
Romero caught Neil's wrist in an iron grip. Neil dug her phone out of her jeans pocket with her free hand and stuffed it into the netted end pocket of her duffel. She just made it when the crowd's tension hit a breaking point.
Students and fans went at each other's throats with the Foxes caught in the middle. Bodies crashed into Neil hard enough to take her off her feet, but Romero hauled her up and away as fast as he could. Neil dropped her racquet and let her bag get ripped from her shoulder. Audrey and Kevin knew she'd never let go of those things willingly. It wouldn't tell them where she'd gone, but they'd know she hadn't left them by choice.
Somewhere between the riot and the parking lot, Romero lost his reflective vest. As soon as Neil's shoes hit asphalt, Neil started struggling, but Jackson was right behind them. Neil would know his touch anywhere. He yanked Neil's arm up behind him so sharply he almost dislocated Neil's shoulder. Neil gasped at the white bolt of pain that shot through her back.
"You won't get away with this," Neil said, voice strained. "My teammates will know I'm missing. They can't leave New York without me."
"They'll be busy for a while," Romero said. "Your coach will spend half the night trying to figure out which ER the lot of you were taken to. By the time he realizes you're gone, it'll be too late."
They pushed him into the backseat of a highway patrol car. Lola was waiting for her on the far cushion. Neil stared dumbly at her, at a face that had aged but would always be familiar. The toothy smile that curved her mouth too wide, threatening to split her face in two, was the same as it'd always been, and Neil instinctively recoiled from her. There was nowhere for her to go with a locked door at her back and a protective grate between her and the front seats.
"Junior's all grown up," Lola said as Romero and Jackson got in the front seat. It was bumper-to-bumper traffic around the Binghamton campus, but Jackson set their lights flashing and drove on the shoulder.
"How unexpected. Rumor has it you're some sort of rising star? It is a strange world we live in, but you won't have to worry about it much longer." Romero half-turned in the passenger seat and looked through the
grate. "You tell them?"
"Do I look stupid to you?" Neil asked. "Of course I didn't."
Lola pressed her thumbnail to the tattoo on her cheek. "But at least one of them knows, hmm? You're not the only branded one."
"Kevin remembers me, but he's the Ravens' pet. He knows better than to say anything."
"I hope that is the truth," Lola said. "You know what we will do to them if you are lying."
"I've spent eight months with a camera in my face. If I'd told someone, you would have heard about it by now. You wouldn't have needed this to track me down." Neil gestured at her face. "Did you give Riko a finder's fee?"
Romero snorted in disdain. "We gave his uncle a courtesy call that we were taking you."
That easy dismissal only made Neil feel worse. She had a sinking suspicion Riko hadn't been behind the bloody birthday surprise or the countdown after all. Lola said Nathan's parole hearing had been that same day. His circle knew he'd get out. Now Neil wondered if their presence was what had Riko keeping his distance from the Foxes this spring. Did Tetsuji warn Riko not to draw attention to himself while Nathan's men were on
the prowl? Tetsuji and Riko were Moriyamas, but they were not the family the Wesninskis served and protected.
Lola grinned. "He was pretty pissed, but what could he do about it? Kengo couldn't give two shits about you right now."
"Because he's sick," Neil said, not quite a question.
"Sick, he says," Lola said, and thumped the side of her fist on the grate to make sure her brother had heard that. ''Sick' is a cold or an STD, child.
"This isn't 'sick'; this is the end of the road. His kidneys are failing. I give it a week tops before Ichirou's crowned new high king. I'll pass on your condolences and congratulations. You won't be alive to deliver them yourself. Speaking of which, it's tradition for me to tell a man what I plan on doing with his pieces. I'll make an exception for you, of course, but just a little one since I so rarely get to play with dolls," Lola said, and she proceeded to tell her in great detail how she was going to take her corpse apart.
Neil tried not to listen, but she couldn't tune out her cruel words. She put every ounce of strength she had left into keeping his fear from showing on her face. She couldn't keep her hands still, but she could at least hide them in her pockets. She didn't want Lola to know she was getting to her. It wasn't like a brave front would save her, but they'd been waiting for this moment for nine years. The least Neil could do was rob them of as much satisfaction as possible.
It was only a couple miles to I-81, and the car they'd acquired for this job let them hit the interstate at ninety miles an hour. Jackson cut the police lights on and off depending on whether or not cars were in his way.
Even at such speeds, it was almost three hours from Binghamton University to Baltimore.
Two miles into Maryland, they pulled off to the shoulder behind an abandoned car. Jackson stayed with the patrol car, but Romero and Lola walked Neil to the Cadillac. Neil was pushed into the passenger seat.
Romero put his gun in Neil's face before Neil could even think of making a break for it. She was pretty sure she was supposed to be delivered to Nathan alive, but Neil's mother had taught Neil how many places one could shoot someone without killing them. Neil watched Lola cuff her ankles to the seat's rails and barely refrained from kneeing her in the face.
Lola climbed into the backseat behind her and pulled Neil's arms around the back of her chair. She cuffed Neil's hands together and clicked them as tight as she could. As soon as she closed her door, Romero got them on the road again. His continuing silence didn't bode well for her. Neil kicked her legs a bit, testing her range of movement, but was quickly distracted by the press of sharp, cold metal against her fingertips. Neil reflexively tried to clench her hands into fists. Lola laughed and dug a thumb into the pressure point of her wrist. When her fingers loosened, Lola slid her blade between Neil's fingers and palm. The scrape of the edge against her fingers was encouragement to open her hand again. Lola tapped the tip to the webbing between her fingers, hard enough to be a threat but not quite hard enough to break the skin. She got bored of the teasing before long and cut a shallow line along the base of Neil's fingers.
Neil tugged hard at the cuffs, trying to yank her hands out of reach, but there was no give in the metal. For a blinding moment, it reminded her of Christmas break at Evermore, and Neil's wavering control cracked a little further. "Stop it."
"Stop me," Lola returned, and cut a stinging line down from the base of her finger to the thick flesh of her thumb. She covered her hand with burning lacerations before moving on to the next one. When she was done with that, she slid over and leaned between the front seats. She traced Neil's tattoo with the tip of her blade. Neil was already gritting her teeth from the pain of her hands, but she went extra still. "We read all about your feud with Riko. What a convincing act! In another life you could have been an actor. Tell me, did you really think his collar would protect you from us?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does. I can't take you before your father with such a stain on your face. Rome?"
Romero reached for the dashboard. Something clicked as he pressed it, and Neil scanned the array of buttons for a hint of what he'd done. It wasn't the radio, and none of the lights were on to indicate he'd clicked on the heater. That left only one possible solution, but Neil refused to believe it. Denial didn't change facts: soon enough the dashboard cigarette lighter popped free of its lock with a metallic cling. Romero pulled it out and held it up.
Neil leaned away from it with a heated, "You're sick."
Lola wound her arm around the back of Neil's chair so she could hold her knife to the right side of Neil's face. The blade cut a paper-thin line from her mouth to the corner of her eye. Neil went still at that warning, and watched as Lola took the lighter from her brother. She gave it an experimental twirl and tipped it where she and Neil could see the red-hot coils inside. Lola nodded approval and favored Neil with one of her wide smiles.
"What do you think?"
Neil thought she was two seconds past losing her cool. "Fuck you."
"Don't flinch," she said, and pressed the lighter to Neil's cheek.
She said not to move, but there was no way Neil could obey. Agony exploded in her face, knifing down her jaw to her throat and eating its way through her eye. The smell of charred skin only made the blinding pain worse, and Neil couldn't hold her ground in front of it. Heat ate a fierce line through her other cheek as he retreated right into Lola's waiting knife. She felt it like a distant memory, an insignificant tickle against the inferno. Lola followed her when she retreated, keeping the lighter in place, but pulled back after an eternity to inspect her handiwork. Neil knew she put the lighter away because she saw her do it, but she still felt its metal and fire on her skin.
Every passing second just made it worse until Neil's stomach was roiling inside of her.
"Better," Lola said, and dug her fingernails into Neil's raw skin just to make her cry out again. "Less like your whore mother. Don't you think?"
Neil didn't have the breath to answer. Every breath she gulped in was frantic and shallow, too short to make it to her lungs, just thick and quick enough to choke on. She twisted his head out of Lola's reach and remembered her knife too late. She tore a second line down his cheek and hurriedly hunched forward instead. She couldn't go far with her hands locked behind the chair, but she had to try. Blood streamed slow and steady down her face, nauseatingly hot against her lips before it dripped off her chin and mouth to her thighs.
She tasted it when she gasped for breath.
The lighter clicked again. Neil heard it like a gunshot and flinched.
"I know your father's going to ask, but I have to know now," Lola said. "You listening, Junior? Hey." She thumped the back of Neil's head with the hilt of her knife. "Where's the bird, hm? We've had some time to dig around since we figured out where you were, but there's no sign of her anywhere. Tetsuji says you told them she's dead. He was sure you were telling the truth. Me, I'm not so trusting."
"She's dead," Neil choked out.
Lola grabbed a fistful of hair to yank her upright. She'd put her knife aside so she could hold her with both hands, and her free hand clenched around Neil's throat so tight she could barely breathe. Lola pulled Neil back against her chair, pinning her head to the headrest. Romero plucked the lighter out again, and Neil put up a desperate fight.
"She's dead," she said, almost wheezing through Lola's brutal grip. "She died two years ago after he beat her in Seattle. Do you think she'd have let me go to Palmetto if she was still alive? I signed up because I had nothing left."
"Do we believe her?" Lola asked Romero.
"Might as well be sure," Romero said.
"Oh," Lola lamented, "You might be telling the truth, but I can't tell. You look so much like her that I don't even want to see if you're lying. You were much better when you pretended to be a boy. At least then you looked more like your father. I'll do my best to try and dull the resemblance," Lola said, and held fast to Neil so Romero could crush the lighter to her face once more. Lola's strangling grip on her throat meant the best Neil could manage was a pained whine. She thrashed mindlessly against the restraints. Lola was speaking again, but she couldn't understand her over the roar in her ears. Her world narrowed down to the fire in her face.
Romero put the lighter away, but he pushed it in all the way so it'd reheat. Lola loosened her grip enough that Neil could breathe but didn't let go completely.
"Try again, Junior," Lola said. "Answer me and make me believe you. Where is Mary?"
"She's dead," Neil said, voice broken and raw with pain. "She's dead, she's dead, she's dead."
Lola looked to her brother. "You believe her now?"
Romero lifted his shoulder in a noncommittal shrug. Lola considered Neil again, then smacked her burned face as hard as she could. Lola leaned further forward between the seats to get the lighter when it was ready and retreated back to her original cushion with it. Having the lighter behind Neil out of sight was worse than the pain they'd already put her through and Neil fought to yank her hands free. She tore her wrists open on unyielding metal but she couldn't stop.
"Don't," she begged. "Lola, don't."
"I've got questions," Lola said, voice oddly muffled. Neil guessed she was holding the lighter handle between her lips, because she used both hands to roll her sleeves up. She ran her hands down her bared forearms, fingernails screeching faintly at her skin. She withdrew a moment later, and her voice was normal when she spoke next. "As much as I normally like begging, I hate to hear it from you. You still sound like your mother, and we both know how I hate her. You still look like her too. My work is paying off, though. If Nathan finished the job before I could, I can still ruin what's left of her in you while I get my answers. Let's start with your teammates again. Tell me everything you told them."
Time stopped as Lola burned and cut a path up Neil's arms. Neil clung to a version of the truth that would protect the Foxes, but no matter how many times she said it, Lola wouldn't stop. Eventually Neil stopped answering altogether, afraid she would slip up in her pain and panic, and saved her energy for breathing. Every grimace and silent cry pulled the burns on her face, and salty tears were worse than acid on her ruined cheeks. It wasn't enough for Lola, though, who wanted to hold true to her word of dealing with her resemblance to Mary. Lola used the knife to slice through Neil's shirt, and giggled at the tape across Neil's chest.
Neil's begging, already hoarse, broke completely. She tried to buck Lola off, moaning with the pain of it. She couldn't let Lola have that, when she had worked so hard to hide it. It should be hers, and hers alone.
Lola made short work of tearing the tape off, speaking words that Neil couldn't make out, still about her jealousy and Mary, and started in again with the lighter and knife. Neil couldn't help from screaming then.
She didn't want to think about it, and didn't want to feel it, so she thought about her Foxes instead. The knowledge of what Lola was doing was too much. She clung tight to the memory of their unhesitating friendship and their smiles. She pretended the heartbeat pounding a sick pace in her temples was an Exy ball ricocheting off the court walls. She thought of Wymack holding her up in December, and Audrey pushing her down against the roof. The memories made her weak with grief and loss, but they made her stronger, too. She had come to the Foxhole Court every inch a lie, but her friends made her into someone real.
Neil had hit the end of her rope before she wanted to, and she hadn't accomplished everything she'd hoped to this year, but she'd done more with her life than she ever thought possible. That had to be enough. She traced the outline of a key into her bloody, burnt palm with a shaky finger, closed her eyes, and wished Neil Josten goodbye.
Lola finally stopped and left her limp in her restraints. She said something, but she couldn't understand her through the buzzing in her ears. She didn't care anyway. Her natural choice in fight-or-flight mode had hit a brick wall heard enough to break every bone in her body.
That only left one option, so Nathalie Wesninski let the last few miles fly by unnoticed. She catalogued every throbbing point on her body and mentally ordered them by severity. The worse injuries were the ones on her face, but the mess Lola made of her hands was the most inconvenient. Her chest would limit her movement, but nothing there was too deep, since Lola had mostly stuck to reopening old scars and burning the once-smooth skin. She was mentally most affected by the wounds on her chest, but it would be hard to fight back when even the slightest twitch of her fingers made her hands ache, so that was what she focused on.
They pulled into the parking lot of a sketchy hotel. Only half of the outdoor lamps were working. Nathalie was willing to bet the security cameras were equally defunct. She gazed out the window and waited to see what came next.
What came next was a police car, and it backed into the spot beside them. Nathalie didn't recognize the baby-faced officer who got out of the passenger side, or the seasoned cop that came around the hood a few seconds later. The older man gestured, and the younger cop went to pop the trunk. Romero climbed out of the car and went to exchange a few quiet words with them. He nodded in satisfaction and opened the passenger door. He unlocked the handcuffs from Nathalie's ankles only long enough to untangle her from the rails. As soon as the metal snapped shut again, Lola indid the cuffs on her wrists. Romero hauled her out of the car by the hair and locked her hands together again.
Nathalie flicked a cool look at the cops, who were studying her and her mutilated chest with blatant interest, and zero remorse. "How much do my father's people pay you to break your oaths?"
"More than the state does," the older officer said. "Don't take it personally."
"I have to," Nathalie said, voice hoarse with pain and hatred, then glanced at both their badges for names. "It's my life."
The only thing in the trunk was a small toolbox, so there was plenty of room for her. She couldn't climb into the trunk herself when she was bound like that, but the officers hoisted her in. She was too distracted by the pain to care about the argument between the Malcolms. When she finally adjusted and rolled properly onto her side, it was just in time to watch Romero pull out his gun and climb in after her. He wound himself around her battered body, holding her close and cocked the gun in warning. Nathalie answered his smile with a blank stare.
"We're good," Romero said, and Lola closed the trunk.
Nathalie closed her eyes against the pitch black that was swallowing her whole. Every word Lola had spoken to her earlier had lodged inside of her like shards of glass, but that wasn't the case with Romero. He spoke to her in his old leering taunts, smiling into her skin and biting at her burns. He slung a leg across hers and hooked his shoe around Nathalie's ankle, completely pinning her. He rocked against her a few times, then yanked her pants down. It was probably the decade old habit of shoving her mind slightly elsewhere that kept her still as he forced his way inside of her.
Doors slammed as the cops got back in. The world rocked beneath them as they pulled out of the parking lot. Nathalie counted eight stops before the cops started talking. She couldn't understand their voices, not when her mind was just out of reach, but a couple moments later, the sirens cut on and the cops picked up pace.
She was somewhere else, Nathalie told herself. She was somewhere else, and this would all be over soon.
Romero tucked his face back against the shell of Nathalie's ear, but she kept ignoring him and the things he crooned into her ear. The cool press of the gun was cool against her temple. The threat of it kept her docile as he reached over Nathalie with his free arm to mess with something. The toolbox, she guessed when she heard the metal click open. Plastic crinkled, and Romero propped himself up on his elbow in front of her.
"If you fight me, I will stop you. I've already had so much fun with you when you laid still. Remember how much fun it used to be when you fought back? Think of how good it will feel, too, if you're still."
"Just do it," Nathalie gritted out.
The sickly sweet smell that filled the small space made her stomach churn, and everything in her ordered her to struggle. She held still, though, and let him clamp a drenched cloth over her nose and mouth. She wouldn't want to be conscious for what he was bound to do anyway. Numbness started in at her fingertips and swiftly overtook the rest of her body. She thought she felt Romero get started on her pants, but couldn't hold onto consciousness long enough to be sure.
"Goodnight," Romero crooned, and everything fell away.
Coherent thought came back in jagged pieces. She was aware of cold stone beneath her, and the sight of her uncuffed hands lying limp in front of her face, but none of it held any real significance to her. Lola had lined the back of her hand with crosshatches and burned angry circles into each of her knuckles. Another burn mark stained the tender flesh between her thumb and index finger. The burns were starting to ooze, but drying blood smothered most of the mess. Nathalie was impressed by Lola's cruelty for the fuzzy moment before the pain started to take its hold.
She groaned and carefully sat up. She was in the cellar, which meant they'd come in through the garage. An underground tunnel led from one to the other, installed for the sole purpose of moving the occasional body. Nathalie and her mother had escaped through it nine years ago. It was only fitting that she was returned the same way.
Lola was halfway across the room. She'd turned a wooden chair around and was straddling it. One arm was folded along the thin back. The other hung limp at her side. She had Romero's gun on her, and her finger rested close to the trigger. Wherever Romero was, Nathalie didn't know, but she didn't mind either.
"Going somewhere?" Lola asked.
Nathalie brandished her hands at her. "These are going to get infected if I don't clean them soon."
"I wouldn't worry about it if I were you."
"You're not me," Nathalie said, and got to her feet.
An industrial sink was built into the far wall. It didn't have a mirror. She was glad she couldn't see her face, but it would have made it easier. She washed her hands first, hissing through clenched teeth. It hurt so badly she wanted to stop, but she made herself rub soapy water into her burns. By the time she rubbed wet hands over her face, her fingers were trembling and she had to stop to vomit up nothing but bile into the sink. She had nothing to dry off on afterward, since her pants were dirty with sweat and streaks of blood, as well as the run-off water from cleaning her chest, and she didn't want to take them off again. She held her arms out to air-dry instead.
"How much longer is this going to take?" Nathalie asked.
"The waiting or the killing?" Lola asked. "The killing might take a while. It's not normally his style, but you've caused us so much trouble and money that I think he'll make an exception. Thanks to some vandalism reported here, we were able to get that police car right up to where we needed it, and now you're here, so we can wait as long as possible."
"You could have just let me go."
"Don't say such childish things."
Nathalie rolled her eyes, and sat down to wait. It was an hour before, presumably, the police finished taking statements from Nathan's security and photographing whatever evidence of the vandalism there was. She knew they were finally gone when a door opened at the top of the stairs. Lola was on her feet in a heartbeat. Nathalie's heart kicked into overdrive, but with Lola's interested stare on her, she couldn't afford to look afraid. She locked a calm expression on her face, and watched death come downstairs for her.
Two years behind bars hadn't aged her father a bit. Aside from a couple lost pounds, Nathan Wesninski looked the same as he always had. The house was a garish demonstration of his wealth, but Nathan didn't waste his time dressing up. He saw no need for fancy clothes when he liked getting dirty at work. He came down the stairs barefoot, wearing dark gray jeans and a button-up shirt. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and he had his hands in his pockets as he reached the landing. Cool blue eyes settled on Nathalie, and Nathalie had to look away.
Lola wasn't much safer to look at, but Nathalie didn't want to look at the monster who accompanied Nathan downstairs, either. Patrick DiMaccio was Nathan's live-in bodyguard. He carried himself like he could take on half the world bare-handed, an arrogant swagger backed by three hundred pounds of steroid-fueled muscle. He'd never laid a hand on Nathalie or Mary, maybe knowing he could kill them with one careless hit, but Nathalie knew how dangerous he was. He was deathly loyal to Nathan, and Nathan trusted him unequivocally. DiMaccio would have been charged with keeping the circle strong in Nathan's absence.
"On your feet," Nathan said. The sound of his voice was enough to turn Nathalie's stomach to jelly. "You know better than to sit in my presence."
Nathalie told herself to stay put, but she was already getting up. Lola laughed at that easy obedience and made a circle of the room so she could stand behind Nathalie.
"Hello, Junior," Nathan said.
Nathalie's jaw worked. She didn't dare speak; she didn't know what she would say. Nathan padded across the room toward her. It took everything Nathalie had left to hold her ground. Nathan stopped in front of her, so close Nathalie could smell his cologne. Nathalie stared at the top button of his shirt like it could somehow save her from all of this.
Nathan's hand settled on her shoulder it what could have been, but wasn't a reassuring gesture. Nathalie braced herself for the inevitable blow, but her knees still buckled when Nathan punched the burns on her cheek. Nathan caught her by her throat as she fell. Nathalie choked and scrabbled to find her feet again. She knew better than to grab her father for balance. She knew what her father would do if Nathalie touched him.
"I said hello," Nathan said when Nathalie was upright again.
Nathalie's lips moved, but no sound came out. It took two more tries before she managed a quiet, "Hello."
"Look at me when I'm talking to you."
A scream felt like it was going to tear her throat open where she was keeping it bottled inside, but Nathalie forced her stare up to Nathan's face.
"My daughter," Nathan said. "My greatest disappointment in life. Where is my second greatest?"
"Mom is dead," Nathalie said. "You killed her. Don't you remember?"
"I would remember," Nathan said. "I would have savored the memory while counting down the days to finding you again."
"You broke her," Nathalie said. "She only made it as far as the California border."
Nathan slid a hooded stare past Nathalie at Lola, who said, "I believe her."
Nathan nodded, accepting her judgment, and cupped Nathalie's battered face in his hands. He squeezed so hard Nathalie thought the gashes on her face would split further. Nathalie's hands flew up instinctively but she jerked them back away from his father at the last possible second. Nathan gave a thin smile at that close call and shook Nathalie so roughly that her neck popped in protest.
"Who told you that hiding in plain sight was a viable option? You had to know I would find you eventually."
"You should have let me go," Nathalie said. "You sold me. I wasn't your problem anymore."
"The transaction was never finalized. Tetsuji did not agree to take you because you were not around long enough to convince him. That means you still belong to me," Nathan said. "You made a liar of me to people who are not to be lied to. Do you know what I'm going to do to you?
"I'm not entirely sure just yet, myself," Nathan said when Nathalie could only stare numbly up at him. "I've had a couple years to think it over but now that the time has come I'm indecisive. I might skin you alive. I might take you apart one inch at a time and cauterize the wounds. I think no matter what I choose, we are going to start by slicing the tendons in your legs. You're not going to run away this time, Nathalie. I'm not going to let you."
"Fuck you," Nathalie spat at him, voice sharp with horror.
Nathan pushed Nathalie away from him and held his hand out. DiMaccio crossed the room toward him. In one hand he held Nathan's ancient, dull axe. In the other was Nathan's cleaver. Nathan turned at DiMaccio's approach and considered the weapons with interest. Nathalie took advantage of his distraction and tried to bolt, but Lola was expecting it. She jumped on Nathalie from behind and wound her arms around Nathalie.
Lola couldn't hold Nathalie forever, but she didn't have to. She slowed Nathalie long enough that DiMaccio could hand off a weapon and thunder past Nathan.
He scooped Nathalie off the ground with a bruising grip on her arm, unmoved by the fists that rained down on her. Lola let go and neatly stepped back, and DiMaccio heaved Nathalie at the closest wall. Impact smashed the breath out of Nathalie and she crumpled to the floor. She caught himself with her hands, which was an awful mistake, but she didn't have the breath to cry out. She was so dizzy she felt ill, but movement in the corner of her eye got her moving. Metal flashed a scarce inch from her face as Nathan took a swing. Terror got Nathalie on her feet faster than her body wanted to move and she retreated from her father's cleaver. A lock of red hair was left neatly on the ground from where it had been sliced off.
Nathan didn't chase her. He gave his cleaver an experimental wave, as if reacquainting himself with its weight, and tested its blade against his thumb. He must have just sharpened it, because blood welled up almost immediately.
Nathalie's last nerve broke. She couldn't get past Nathan and DiMaccio, which meant taking her chance with Lola's knife and gun. She spun and ran for her. The wild smile on her face said she'd expected this resistance. She braced herself for the inevitable collision, knife out and ready to do some terrible damage. She slashed at Nathalie as he got closer.
Nathalie twisted away from the blade, nearly spraining her ankle in her hurry. Lola's gun was in her face a second later and knowing Lola couldn't pull the trigger didn't stop Nathalie from ducking.
She came at Nathalie, knife hand up for another swipe, and Nathalie punched her in the throat. She barely heard the terrible choking sound she made through the crackling pain in her ears. Every cut and burn on her hand was screaming in protest. She clenched his fingers tighter and took another swing. Lola dodged, but barely, and left a hot stripe up her chest with the tip of her blade. Nathalie was now between her and the door, and she threw the bar up to unlock it. Lola grabbed her hair before she could open the door but Nathalie didn't care how much hair she lost. She surged forward anyway, refusing to let go of the knob.
"Move," Nathan said right behind them.
He was talking to Lola, but Nathalie threw herself to one side too.
Nathan's cleaver came down right where she'd been standing. Metal screamed as she scratched a line down the door, and Nathan turned a look on his fallen daughter. Nathalie scrambled backwards, hope dying a vicious death in her chest. Nathan stomped toward her, done playing cat and mouse. Nathalie tried getting to her feet, but a boot in her ribcage sent her sprawling. A fist to the face killed her next attempt and then Nathan was sitting on top of her, with his cleaver to Nathalie's throat.
DiMaccio came up behind them and offered Nathan's axe. Nathan put it to Nathalie's neck next so he could carve shallow lines in Nathalie's burned face with his cleaver. "Maybe we'll do both," he said, casual, like he was debating the next day's weather. "Skin you an inch or two at a time and carve the flesh out from underneath. If we do it right, you might last all night. Patrick, have them toss us down the blowtorch. It should still be in the drawer by the oven."
"No," Nathalie said, but DiMaccio went to the base of the stairs to call up.
"Lola," Nathan said, and Lola came immediately to his side. She wasn't smiling anymore. The look she turned on Nathalie was venomous and she pressed careful fingers to her bruising neck. Nathalie wanted to take some satisfaction in having wounded her, but all she felt was fear. Nathan didn't look up from his daughter's face but said, "Would you like the pleasure of crippling her?"
"No," Nathalie said again, but Lola crouched out of sight. Nathalie kicked her legs out to the other side away from Lola. The axe wasn't sharp enough to cut her throat open without serious effort, so she ignored the way the weight of it made her gag and struggled as best she could. Nathan tolerated it until Nathalie actually grabbed him, and then he lay his cleaver across the bridge of Nathalie's nose. It may have been dull, but she still felt the skin bruise, then break.
"If you do not sit fucking still I will gouge your eyes out."
Nathalie froze, but she was trembling so hard it was a wonder she didn't shake her father off. "Please," she whispered, unable to stop himself. "Please don't."
"Can I?" Lola asked, excited all over again.
"We'll slit your ankles, then your knees," Nathan told Nathalie. "And if you try to crawl away I will take your arms from you too. Do you understand?"
DiMaccio was back. He set the blowtorch down at Nathan's side.
Nathalie wanted to scream, but if she screamed now, she'd really lose it, and she wouldn't be able to stop. Her eyes burned, maybe from the blood, maybe from panic held at bay by desperation. She clung to what remained of her self-control with bloody fingertips, knowing it wouldn't do her any good but unable to let go.
"Please," she begged again. "Just let me go, just let me go, I'm not-"
"Lola," Nathan said, but he didn't get to finish.
The cellar door opened from the outside, and a swarm of strangers came in shooting. Silencers helped muffle the sound somewhat, but in such a closed space Nathalie still felt every pop like a bite against her skin. Lola was the closest to the door, and her body jerked as bullets tore countless holes through her. Nathan disappeared, hauled to questionable safety by DiMaccio. Nathalie tried to lie still, not wanting to draw attention to herself, but she looked to his father as more people poured into the room.
Her father was completely shielded by DiMaccio's larger body, and he was yelling to his men for help. His guards rushed down the concrete stairs, but the unending burst of gunfire drowned out their footsteps. Someone grabbed Nathalie and pulled her across the floor away from his father.
Nathalie lashed out instinctively, but her attacker didn't fight back. She was dumped in a corner and subsequently abandoned.
Staying put seemed a good idea with so many bullets flying. Nathalie curled her battered body up as tight as she could and shielded her head with her throbbing arms. It was an eternity before the house went still and silent.
Nathalie slowly lowered her arms and looked around
Nathan was kneeling in the middle of the room with four guns aimed at his head. He started to get to his feet, but someone knocked him back down with the butt of a rifle. Nathan responded with an unintelligible snarl. One of the men guarding the door whistled a signal down the tunnel, and footsteps echoed faintly in the corridor.
A man stepped into the room, and Nathalie stopped breathing. She would know that face anywhere. Nine years had taken a severe toll on Stuart Hatford, but Nathalie still saw her mother in Stuart's lined face.
Stuart answered Nathan's scowl with a glacier stare. He had his gun out halfway to Nathan, but a woman intercepted him and jerked her chin in Nathalie's direction.
Stuart followed her gaze, and surprise took the edge off his white fury.
"Bloody hell. Nathalie?"
Nathalie was too stunned to speak, but she managed a small nod. Stuart pointed the gun in Nathan's direction but kept his stare on his niece. "Where is Mary?" Nathalie couldn't find her voice, so she shook her head. Stuart's expression shuttered; his glimmer of hope disappeared as quickly as it'd come. "Don't look. This will be over in a moment."
"How dare you," Nathan said savagely. "You defy Moriyama by coming here and killing my men. You are a dead man walking. You don't have the power to-"
Stuart didn't let him finish. Nathan's body jerked as two bullets punched holes into his chest. Nathalie watched, wide-eyed and disbelieving, as blood splattered her father's throat and rushed down his shirt to stain his jeans. Nathan's body fell backward from the force of impact and hit the floor with a wet smack.
Nathalie pressed a shaking hand to her mouth, then clamped her other tattered hand over it. It wasn't enough to smother her ragged keen.
"I told you not to look," Stuart said.
That wrenching feeling in her chest wasn't grief, but a need so fierce Nathalie thought it would kill her. Her world was crumbling around him and she was falling. Nathalie couldn't breathe, much less explain that terrifying exhilaration. She didn't fight when two of Stuart's men hoisted her to her feet.
Stuart crossed the room to stand in front of her. He was out of his jacket and handing it to her just as he reached her. Nathalie stared past him at her father's corpse. Stuart's hand on her chin forced Nathalie's attention to her uncle's face. Stuart gave Nathalie an intent once-over, checking her wounds with a furious gaze.
"She can ride with me," one of the women said.
"She is our only ticket out of here," Stuart said. "We will leave her behind. For now," he added before Nathalie could react. He clenched his fingers tighter on Nathalie's face and gave her a small shake. "You will listen to me and do exactly as I say. They only let us come here unchallenged because we promised we would take him alive."
Nathalie finally found her voice. "The Moriyamas?"
"No," Stuart said, so harsh Nathalie leaned away from him. "Do not speak that name tonight. You cannot pull them into this. They were not expecting their Butcher to die and we only have a small window in which to win their favor. We are giving you to the FBI as a distraction. You need medical attention, and we cannot yet take you where we need to go. This is the only way you survive. Do you understand?"
Her father was dead. Nathalie would agree to anything right then. "I won't tell them."
Stuart nodded. "Then we are leaving."
They helped her down the tunnel to the garage after she got Stuart's jacket on. The stairs up were dangerously steep and narrow, and the opening at the top was barely big enough for a man's body. It had felt like the gaping maw of an unknown hell when she had left last time. That time, it was just a tunnel. Stuart's people vanished out the open garage door as fast as they could go, but Stuart stayed behind a moment with Nathalie. Nathalie stared out at the darkness, looking for the feds who had to be watching all of this from a safe distance. For now the street was calm and empty, but there was no way the neighbors had missed that shootout. In another minute, maybe two, the neighborhood would be crawling with police and the press all over again.
Stuart guided her to her knees and put her hands behind her head.
"We will come back for you when we can. I promise."
Then he was gone, disappearing into the night after his team.
Nathalie stayed on her knees and bowed her head to wait. It didn't take long. Feds melted out of the shadows like ghosts, guns out and dressed head-to-toe in tactical gear. Nathalie was too small to be her father, but the cover of darkness helped the illusion. They didn't realize anything was wrong until they yanked her to her feet with rough hands and strident voices. Nathalie finally tipped her head up to look at them, and the agent closest to her trailed off mid-sentence.
"You're too late," Nathalie said, even as someone radioed EMS to rush on-scene. "My father is dead."
"Your father," the agent said stupidly. Six men tore off down the hole so fast they almost fell, and Nathalie heard their boots echoing off the tunnel wall as they ran to check the house. She didn't realize she'd looked down at the opening until the agent snapped gloved fingers in her face.
Nathalie met his searching look with a cool stare, and the man repeated, "Your father?"
"My name is Nathalie Wesninski," she said, "and my father is dead."
It wasn't at all funny, but a second later she was laughing. It sounded hysterical but she couldn't stop. Hands caught her shoulders and pushed her head down. A gruff voice ordered her to breathe but Nathalie couldn't.
She grabbed at her knees for balance. Pain lanced up her arms from her abused hands, but she couldn't let go. The adrenaline of an unexpected firefight, and the relief of being alive were breaking her apart, and Nathalie lost the battle with the rest of her unsteady stomach. Someone held onto her while she retched onto the concrete floor. Nathalie spat in a vain attempt to get the sour taste out of her mouth. The only thing to replace it was the taste of blood.
The hand on his shoulder tightened. "I'd rather not cuff you in the state you're in, but I will if I have to. Are you going to be a problem for us?"
Nathalie struggled to look up and focus on the man's face. "I've been a problem for nineteen years. I'm too tired to be one tonight. Just get me out of here."
An ambulance pulled up to the curb. It'd gotten here fast enough Nathalie guessed it'd been waiting down the street out of sight. Despite the reassurance, she had a three-agent escort down to the paramedics. They had the stretcher out and on the street by the time she made it there, and Nathalie lay down on it without a fuss. They strapped her in for the ride and lifted her into the back. An agent rode with them; Nathalie assumed more would follow. She didn't care anymore. She closed his eyes and let the paramedic get to work.
Notes:
a summary of this chapter for anyone who didn’t want to read past binghamton: romero and jackson grab neil from the game, they bring her to the car w lola and once they get into maryland they switch cars and torture neil. there’s a little bit of a different aspect to it, lola using the torture to purposefully disfigure neil on her arms and face like usual, but also on her chest. they switch cars again, and in the trunk with romero where he rapes her before chlorophorming her basically. once in the basement, it’s just lola and neil, and they wait for nathan and dimaccio. neil basically gets chased around and beaten until stuart and the hatfords come to kill the three of them, nathan, lola, and dimaccio. there’s hatfords leave neil outside for the feds to scoop up and the chapter ends w neil getting into an ambulance.
this is actually the one fic i've written where neil doesn't lose a leg, which feels weird since it's a canon rewrite. however that's not the rewrite i'm trying for today. with lola and her jealousy: lola sexualizes neil for looking like his father in canon, but i thought she would go the opposite way- even if neil doesn't actually look like mary, it doesn't matter. nathalie is the perfect representation and reminder that mary was married to nathan and not lola. that being said, i highly doubt she actually would have waited there for neil to regain consciousness, i think she would have continued mutilating her while unconscious, i just didn't think anyone would want to read vaginal mutilation so i did not include it. it's my personal idea and if you also want to believe that going forward, then great. we're in this together. anyway. lets get this losergirl back to her gf
Chapter 24: burying baltimore
Notes:
:P 12k of what feels like fluff to me, after all that. continued mention of all the tws from last chapter, but nothing actually happens, it's just feds being shitty. fear not. :P
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When Nathalie opened her eyes again, she was on her back in a hospital bed and soft sunlight was filtering through the curtained window. Ropes of plastic tubing streaked out from underneath her blanket and the drugs made her head feel like cotton. She was awake, but pleasantly detached from the pain.
She had two guests she didn't recognize, but she knew in a glance they were feds. They had that air of smug authority men often carried when they thought themselves more powerful than they were. One sat on a stool to her left. The other had claimed the better of two chairs near the foot of the bed and was going through paperwork. The door was closed to give them privacy, but Nathalie assumed someone was standing guard outside.
A handcuff locked one of Nathalie's bandaged wrists to the bedframe. Nathalie rattled it and said, "Really?"
"We're not taking any chances," the closer man said. "As soon as the doctors clear you we're moving you to our field office. But don't think you have to wait for an official setting to talk to us. We're ready to hear everything you have to say. Special Agent Browning," the agent said belatedly, and gestured to his partner. "This is Special Agent Towns. We're going to be your handlers."
"My handlers," Nathalie repeated. "I am not your property."
"But you are in our custody."
"Are you arresting me?"
"Right now we're acting in good faith and assuming we will have your full cooperation. If we need to take a more aggressive approach, we will do so. We've got a string of offenses we could charge you with, starting with the fake IDs in your wallet and escalating to your mother's current whereabouts. Just let us know if we've got to play hardball."
Nathalie made a rude noise. "You couldn't at least use an Exy idiom? I hate baseball."
"Right now, what you do or do not hate is of little concern to us," Towns said. "We only care about the truth."
"I'll trade you truth for truth," Nathalie said. "My teammates were caught in a riot last night. The Palmetto State Foxes," she elaborated, though she was sure the agents had pieced at least that much together since picking her up at her father's house. "Were they hurt?"
"Eighty-six people ended up in the hospital, including three of your teammates," Browning said. "They were treated and summarily released. Minor injuries. They were lucky. A couple people ended up in the ICU."
"We made contact with Coach Wymack shortly after you were admitted here and asked him to bring his people for questioning," Towns added. He checked his watch and said, "They should be wrapping things up soon. When we're done with them, they are free to return to South Carolina."
He didn't say "without you", but Nathalie heard it in his tone.
"It's your turn," Browning said. "Where is your mother?"
Nathalie told them about running into his father in Seattle and the vicious attack they weren't fast enough to escape. She told them about fire and sand and burying her mother on the coast. It was brutally unfair that she, of all people, hadn't lived long enough to see Nathan die, but Nathalie kept that bitter misery to herself.
"All this time you were hiding out in Seattle?" Browning said, sounding annoyed by their oversight.
"No," Nathalie said. "That was just the last real stop before Arizona."
"What came before Seattle?"
"I want to see my teammates."
"What came before Seattle?" Browning repeated.
Nathalie pressed her mouth into a hard line and stared at the ceiling.
Browning tolerated the silent treatment for a few minutes, then started talking. He laid out everything they were willing to offer Nathalie if her cooperation was worth their while: immunity from all charges, a fresh start in the Witness Protection Program, and the chance to tear apart her father's circle. When Nathalie remained unmoved by such generous offers, Browning turned to threats instead. What they had on Nathalie so far was enough cause to lock her up, and they'd eventually dig up the dirt they needed to throw away the key.
"I want to see my teammates," Nathalie said when Browning finally took a breath.
"Be reasonable," Towns said. "Don't make this harder for yourself than you need to."
"You think this is hard? I was just tortured for hours. Surviving you is easy." Nathalie tipped his head to one side and fixed Towns with a cool look. "But can you survive me?"
"Are you threatening a federal agent?"
Nathalie smiled so hard her burns screamed. "I wouldn't dare. What I should have said was: can you survive my family? My parents are dead, but my uncle remembers me. More importantly, he remembers that you gave him permission to take on my father last night. Since when do suits cut deals with gangsters?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Browning said, with a cool neutrality Nathalie didn't believe for a second.
"Whatever," Nathalie said. "I'm going to nap."
They didn't argue, so she closed his eyes and drifted off. She woke some indeterminable time later when a nurse came in to check her injuries. All the painkillers in her system meant nothing as the nurse cleaned the burns on her hands and arms. Nathalie clenched her teeth so hard she thought she'd break them and fought the urge to kick the nurse away from herself. By the time the nurse sent the agents out and tucked her gown down to reach the damage wrought on her breasts, Nathalie had to consciously bite back on whimpers. She gave Nathalie's stitches an approving nod and promised to have the doctor stop by later.
The nurse politely tried to close the door on her way out, but was blocked by the two agents that blundered back in immediately. Nathalie raised her eyes to the ceiling, and tried to channel Renee.
It was impossible to sleep again when her nerves were screaming alarms in her ears. Nathalie flexed her fingers instead, checking her range of motion. Lola had burnt her to hurt her, not maim her. Maybe she'd feared too much melting skin would kill her fun. That obviously hadn't applied to her face. She knew from the nurse's reactions his face hadn't gotten off so lightly, but he didn't want to see a mirror yet. Nathalie was as furious as she was nauseous just thinking about it.
Before the latter could win out, Nathalie looked up and said, "I want to see my teammates."
"And I want coffee," Browning said. "You two good here?"
Towns nodded. Browning checked his pockets for his wallet and left.
Nathalie gave her handcuff a couple experimental tugs just to see how Towns responded. Towns was unimpressed by that faint attempt at rebellion and went back to his files. She could get out– Mary had taught her how. Her thumb would be a small price, in comparison to everything else. The lack of pain medicine if she broke out of here would be the worst thing. She eyed Towns again, then rolled her eyes. They ignored each other until Browning came back. Browning sat quietly until his coffee was gone, then perused one of Towns' discarded stacks. After an hour of this, he made another attempt at getting through to Nathalie.
"Feel like cooperating yet?"
"I still don't see my teammates, so no," Nathalie said. Browning made a dismissive gesture. Nathalie yanked at her cuffed hand again.
"Look: these are the people I chose to stay with even knowing I couldn't stay for long. I picked them over my own safety. So give them back to me and I'll answer anything you ask."
"You only think you want to see them," Towns said. "Remember that they just found out who and what you are. If they still want anything to do with you, I'll eat my hat."
Nathalie opened her mouth, closed it again, and looked away. Her teammates had accepted the vague confession Aaron forced out of her, but knowing her family was awful and dealing with the reality were two entirely different things. Maybe Kevin had had time on the ride from New York to tell them how the Wesninskis and Moriyamas were connected, in which case they now knew how much danger she put them in by signing Wymack's contract.
She'd promised them her family wasn't going to be a problem for them, but she'd gotten them hurt and was going to cost them championships. They might hate her, they might fear her, and they would likely never forgive her, but Nathalie couldn't leave them like this. She hadn't gotten to say goodbye yesterday. She had to say it today, before the feds pushed her so deep the light would never again reach her.
"In fact," Towns continued, "they're probably already on the road south. It wouldn't have taken long to get their statements, and there's nothing else we need from them yet."
"You're wrong," Nathalie said. "They can't leave without Audrey, and Audrey won't go anywhere until she talks to me."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, I do." Even if it was just to tear Nathalie apart for hiding this from her, Audrey would wait as long as it took. She wasn't the sort to leave things unfinished. Nathalie knew that, believed that, with every fiber of her being. It was enough to soothe the sting of Towns' callous warning.
"You can take me to her, or you can let me rot silently in a cell somewhere and never hear a word out of me. Those are your only options."
Finally Browning got up and went into the hall. Nathalie heard his strident tone through the thin drywall, but she couldn't understand Browning's words. Towns watched his partner closely when Browning returned, and Browning answered by scribbling a note on Towns' clipboard. Nathalie resisted the temptation to throw her thin pillow at them, and instead said, "If Romero Malcolm is alive, then I'll need a rape kit performed on me."
It was Towns that time that stood to discuss with whatever backup was in the hall outside. He stepped back inside a few minutes later, then nodded. "There has been no sign of Malcolm. If he's dead, we haven't found his body anywhere."
"Great," Nathalie said. "Get the nurse from earlier and leave."
The feds, for the first time, did what they were told. She vaguely wondered if they had sensitivity training like Abby must have gotten. If they did, it sure hadn't shown its head until now. Nathalie had liked the detached yet practical way the nurse had dealt with all her burns. If she couldn't have Abby, this would have to do. Nathalie let her mind slip away from her and the nurse's explanations until she had her papery gown back on. They hadn't uncuffed her for it, so the two agents retook their spots with no fuss, and less bluster than the last time.
The doctor returned and gave a few instructions, then signed the bottom of Nathalie's chart without another word. She looked to the agents and said, "They can sign you out at the desk down the hall. They'll have her medicine ready for you, plus the addition of an optional Levonorgestrel tablet."
Browning nodded but waited for the doctor to leave before unlocking the handcuff that bound Nathalie to the bed. He and Towns put the rail down so Nathalie could slide off the mattress. Towns handed over a bag, and Nathalie dumped a set of dark sweats onto the bed.
"Where are my clothes?" Nathalie asked.
"Taken as evidence," Towns said.
Nathalie frowned. That had been her favorite pair of jeans.
Towns went to stand by the door. Browning stayed close, but he half-turned away from Nathalie. If Nathalie tried anything, he'd see it in his peripheral vision, but it was still a smidgen of privacy. The hospital gown Nathalie wore was unfastened, which she was immensely grateful for. She didn't think she could deal with knots and strings until her hands were better. She shrugged the gown off and eased into her new clothes as carefully as she could. Her hands were burning by the time she was done. She held them close to her stomach, knowing it wouldn't help at all, but needing to try and quench that fire somehow.
Browning cuffed her hands in front of her, then pulled the hood down over her face. "Thanks to your father's neighbors, the press knows someone was taken from Nathan's house last night. The major channels don't have a name yet, but they won't need it. You've spent too much time on TV this last year. People will recognize your face the second they get a glimpse of it."
"Is there enough of it left to recognize?" Nathalie asked.
"There's a mirror around here somewhere if you want to see."
"I'd settle for your opinion," Nathalie said.
"It'll heal eventually," Browning said, which was neither here nor there.
They led her down the hall. Towns signed them out and picked up a white bag that rattled. Painkillers and antibiotics, Nathalie assumed, plus whatever tablet that had been added. She would have to ask Abby before she took it. Burn cream, too, if she was lucky. Towns gave it to her to carry, and they took an elevator down. Browning called ahead as they reached the ground floor and got an all-clear. Nathalie didn't look up to see if there were reporters lurking around for photographs. She kept her head tilted as far down as she could and hoped the hood was bulky enough to shield her face.
An SUV idled at the curb. The back door opened at their approach and Nathalie climbed in. Towns got in the far back, so Browning took the seat at Nathalie's side. Browning slammed the door and made a short call from his phone just to say, "We're on the way. Get it out of sight before we get there."
The woman in the passenger seat flicked Nathalie a curious look over her shoulder. Nathalie slid her gaze away and stared out the tinted windows. She recognized streets and buildings as they drove. In a terrible, impossible way, this somehow felt like home. Nathalie wanted to claw that feeling out of herself and burn it. The Foxhole Court was the only home she needed; the Foxes were her family. She didn't want any of this to have a hold on her anymore. How sad, how strange, how stupid, that she could run so far and still end up back here in the end. She couldn't stand the sight of the city, so she tipped her head back and closed her eyes.
She couldn't sleep, but at least she could daydream her father's death over and over again. That was almost enough to make her smile, and eventually it thawed the chill from her veins.
Nathalie expected to be carted straight to their office for questioning, but the SUV turned into a hotel parking lot. The place was crawling with feds. Men stood on the sidewalk, smoking and attempting to look casual, but Nathalie's skin itched at the sight of them. The ladies sunning by the pool were equally offensive, despite their attempt to be inconspicuous. The woman by the vending machine was a toss-up, but Nathalie was inclined to think badly of everyone in her sights.
As soon as the car stopped, Nathalie turned an expectant look on Browning. Browning put a finger in her face that she was tempted to snap her teeth at like a dog. "You have twenty minutes, or until they throw you out of their lives, whichever comes first. Then you are coming with us, and you are going to tell us everything we want to know. Do I make myself clear?"
"They," Nathalie said, stumbling over her words in her haste to push them out. "They're here? I don't see the bus."
"I don't want the press seeing it here and putting it together yet, so I had your coach move it. I said, are we clear?"
"Clear," Nathalie said, with the instincts of an athlete. She pulled down her hood. "Get out."
"Your winning personality makes me rethink this entire thing," Browning said, but he got out of the car.
They took Nathalie up rickety metal stairs to the second floor. A woman lounged against the balcony railing with a cellphone to her ear. She pushed her hair over her shoulder and flicked her fingers in the same move. Browning guided Nathalie to the appropriate door and knocked. The door opened by half a foot, but she couldn't see anything past a hefty suited body. The man standing guard scowled down at Nathalie before turning an annoyed look on Browning.
"I don't like it."
"Noted. Watch her a moment, Kurt," Browning said. Kurt stepped aside and pulled the door open. Browning strode past him, clapping as he went. Even on the balcony, he was loud enough for Nathalie to hear every word. "Listen up, people. You've got twenty minutes. Let's keep this orderly and have only one person up at a time."
Kurt obviously expected the Foxes to submit with a fight, because he dropped his arm and let Nathalie through. He should have waited a bit longer, as Nathalie's team started arguing almost immediately.
Dan's outraged voice carried the easiest when she snapped, "Twenty minutes? You've got to be joking. Why do– oh my god," she broke off when Nathalie stepped into the room. The rush in her voice wasn't anger or disgust, but terror-fueled relief. "Oh my god, Neil. Are you okay?"
Nathalie opened her mouth, but words failed her. Last night, she knew she would never see any of them again. Having them back was a salve on every one of her aching wounds, but she was keenly aware she was just there for goodbye. It would kill her to walk out of there.
She owed them explanations and apologies, but she didn't know where to start. All she could do was look from one stunned face to another. There was a hollow look on Kevin's face, and dark bruises on his throat. Nickky was a disconsolate mess near the window. Allison, Renee, and Seth sat on the far bed with two black eyes, a wrist brace, and a dozen bruises between them. Aaron sat halfway down on the same bed, and for once, even he looked more upset than angry when he looked at Nathalie.
Matt and Dan were on the nearer bed. Matt had a white-knuckled grip on Dan's shoulder, like he had to stop her from charging Browning. Matt had taken a severe beating in the riot, and still had ice packs strapped to both hands. His shirt was filthy and torn in two places, and Nathalie could see ugly bruises through the gaps. Abby stood between the beds, her first aid kit open on the blankets near Matt's right hip, but she dropped the antiseptic she was holding when she saw Nathalie. Her mouth moved, but Nathalie didn't hear a word she said. Browning said the Foxes only suffered minor injuries, and that none of them had ended up in the ICU, but only eight of them were there. Wymack was out moving the bus, but that left one.
Nathalie's blood went cold, and she couldn't keep the alarm from her voice when she started to ask, "Where's Aud–"
There was a crash behind Nathalie, the unmistakable sound of a body slamming into wood. She turned as Audrey forced her way into the room with Wymack right on her heels. Kurt grabbed at Audrey, but lost his grip when Wymack shouldered past him. Nathalie only had a second to see the handcuffs locking Audrey and Wymack together, and then Browning reacted to the violent entrance by reaching for his gun.
Nathalie grabbed Browning's arm with both hands, and yanked as hard as she could. She only meant to slow Browning down, and pull him off-balance, but the agony that shot from Nathalie's fingertips to her elbows almost took her off her feet. She let go without meaning to, and hunched over like that would somehow make the pain go away. Crushing her hands to her stomach didn't help, but Nathalie couldn't think with the all consuming burning.
"Don't," she said through clenched teeth, pain and fury mixing her vision into a red haze.
She thought she said it, anyway; she couldn't hear herself through the white noise roaring in her ears. The weight of a hand on the back of her neck said she'd bought Audrey enough time to reach her. Nathalie didn't remember closing her eyes, but she forced them open again. She tried straightening, but Audrey caught her shoulder, and shoved her to her knees. Nathalie went without argument, and cradled her wrecked hands in her lap. Her hands felt so terrible that she expected to see blood soaking through her bandages, but the gauze stayed clean.
"Leave it," Wymack said.
He sounded so angry that Nathalie knew Wymack wasn't talking to her or Audrey. She guessed Browning or Kurt was moving to haul Audrey out of the way before she hurt Nathalie further. Either the feds trusted her judgment, or they couldn't get around Wymack to get to Audrey. Either way, Audrey knelt in front of Nathalie, unchallenged. Nathalie turned her hands over and looked up.
Audrey's expression was deceptively calm, but there was iron in her grip when she seized Nathalie's chin. Nathalie let her look her fill, because it gave her time to study the bruises lining Audrey's face in return. The worst of the lot was a dark, narrow streak running down over his cheekbone from the corner of her right eye. The force had left half of Audrey's eye red with broken blood vessels. An elbow, Nathalie thought, that had come far too close.
"They could have blinded you," Nathalie scolded. "All that time fighting, and you never learned how to duck?"
A stony stare was her only answer. Audrey let go of her so she could tug Nathalie's hood out of the way. She dragged a finger along the lines of tape keeping the myriad of bandages in place as if looking for the best place to start. She tore the gauze off Nathalie's right cheek first, exposing the striped lines left by Lola's knife. She favored the tidy stitches with a cursory glance before moving on. The tape on Nathalie's over cheek hurt like hell coming off, since it pulled the skin around her burns, and Audrey froze with her hand a few scant inches from Nathalie's face.
Audrey's expression didn't change, but there was a new tension in her shoulders that didn't bode well for anyone in the room. Audrey had dropped the first bandages as useless, but this one, she cupped carefully in her palm without taking her stare off Nathalie's face. Since Nathalie was kneeling with her back to the room, Wymack was the only other one who could see the mess Lola made of her face. Nathalie didn't dare look up at him, but Wymack's fierce, "Christ, Neil," said the burns looked as bad as they felt.
A bed creaked as one of the Foxes got up. Wymack jerked a free hand in an emphatic order to stay put, and said, "Don't."
"One at a time," Browning reminded them.
Audrey pressed two fingers to the underside of Nathalie's chin to turn her head. Nathalie let herself be guided, and said nothing while Audrey looked her fill. When Audrey dropped her hand, and clenched it in Nathalie's hoodie, Nathalie risked looking back at her. There was violence in her eyes, but at least she hadn't shoved Nathalie away yet. That had to count for something.
""I'm sorry," Nathalie said.
Audrey's fist went back, but she didn't take the swing. Nathalie knew it wasn't because that was the hand cuffed to Wymack; Audrey's arm actually shook with the effort not to land the blow on Nathalie. Nathalie said nothing to tip the balance either way. She bowed her head, waiting for Audrey to decide. At length, Audrey uncurled her fingers, then let her hand hang limp from the cuff.
"Say it again, and I will kill you," she said.
"This is the last time I'm going to say it to you," Kurt said, coming up beside Wymack with a dark look on his face. "If you can't stow that attitude and behave–"
"You'll what, asshole?" Nathalie cut in, aiming a warning look to follow up her words.
"The same goes for you, Nathalie," Browning said. "That's your second strike. A third misstep and this," he twirled his finger to indicate the Foxes, "is over. Remember you are only here because we are allowing it."
Audrey shifted as if to get up, and Nathalie knew she would be shutting up Browning for good. Nathalie knew better than to touch Audrey yet, but she got as close as she dared and framed Audrey's face between bandaged hands. Audrey could have easily pushed her away, but after a short pause, she settled again. Nathalie flicked her a quick look, grateful, before leveling another icy stare at Browning.
"Don't lie to a liar," Nathalie said. "We both know I'm here because you have nothing without me. A pile of dead bodies can't close cases, or play the money trail game. I told you what those answers would cost you, and you agreed to pay it. So, take this handcuff off of Audrey, get your man out of our way, and stop using up my twenty minutes with your useless fucking posturing."
The silence that followed was brittle. Browning was weighing his options, or at least pretending to. Nathalie knew this would only go one way. If the FBI had let the Hatfords into the country uncontested, they had to be desperate for some resolution. No one could prove that Nathan had killed Mary Hatford yet, but the Hatfords' hatred for Nathan wasn't a secret, and they'd reacted to his parole by booking tickets across the Atlantic. It didn't take the FBI's brightest to know their visit wouldn't be friendly.
Finally, Browning gestured. Kurt's face was a thundercloud as he dug keys out of his pocket. Wymack turned to make it easier for him. Audrey didn't watch as the cuff came off, but she flexed her fingers a few times to test her freedom, and dropped her hand to her thigh. Browning took Kurt with him to wait just inside the door. They radiated displeasure and distrust, and the look Browning sent his watch was pointed, but Nathalie didn't care. Satisfied they were out of the way at last, she turned her full attention back to Audrey.
"So the attitude problem wasn't an act, at least," Audrey said.
"I was going to tell you," Nathalie said.
"Stop lying to me."
"I'm not lying. I would have told you last night, but they were in our locker room."
"They who?" Browning asked.
Nathalie didn't miss a beat, switching to German. "Those weren't security guards that came for us. They were there for me, and they would have hurt all of you to get me out of there. I thought by keeping my mouth shut, I could keep you safe." Nathalie still had her hands up by Audrey's face, so she indulged with a light tap of her thumb against Audrey's bruised eye. "I didn't know they staged a riot."
"What did I tell you about playing the martyr card?"
"You said no one wanted it. You didn't tell me to stop."
"It was implied."
"I'm stupid, remember? I need things spelled out."
"Shut up."
"Am I at ninety-four yet?"
"You are at one hundred," Audrey said, and if it weren't for the way her hands were trembling where they pressed into her thighs, it would have been almost careless. "What happened to your face?"
Nathalie swallowed hard against a rush of nausea. "A dashboard lighter."
She winced at the awful sound Nicky made. The grain of a quickly-shifting mattress almost swallowed up Aaron's ragged curse. Nathalie looked back without thinking, wanting to see who was on the move, and saw Aaron had rolled off the bed to go stand with Nicky. Turning meant the others got a good look at her burned cheek. Kevin recoiled so hard he slammed into the wall behind him. He clapped a protective hand over his own tattoo, and Nathalie knew he was imagining Riko's reaction to the atrocity.
That time, it was Dan stopping Matt from getting up, her knuckles white against his dark shirt, and her head turned away. Matt started to fight free, but settled for a hoarse, "Jesus, Neil. The fuck did they do to you?"
Abby had kept her distance long enough, it seemed. She came around the nearest bed, eyes wide and frantic, but only made it to the corner before Audrey realized her intentions. She caught hold of Nathalie to turn her face forward again, and shot Abby a look so vicious she stopped in her tracks.
"Get away from us," Audrey said.
"Audrey," Abby said, quiet and careful. "He's hurt. Let me see him."
"If you make me repeat myself, you will not live to regret it."
Nathalie had never heard that murderous tone from her. It made her hair stand on end, but somehow eased some of the lava in her chest. It was Nathalie's fault that Audrey's self-control was in shreds, but it was also for her sake. Audrey's bottomless rage would never hurt Nathalie, and that made all the difference in the world. Nathalie gave Audrey's hair a cautious tug. Audrey resisted the first two attempts, but finally let Nathalie drag her eyes back to where they should be.
"Abby, I just got out of the hospital," Nathalie said, not looking away from Audrey. "I'm as good as I can be right now."
"Neil," Abby tried.
"Please," Nathalie stressed. She didn't hear her step back, but knew she must have by the way Audrey's death grip on her chin relaxed. Nathalie kept one hand buried in Audrey's hair, but finally lowered the other. In quiet German, she said, "Did they tell you who I am?"
"They didn't have to. I choked the answers out of Kevin on the way here." Audrey ignored the way Nathalie gaped at her, and said, "Guess you weren't an orphan after all. Where is your father now?"
"My uncle executed him," Nathlie said, almost wonderingly. She crossed a precarious line, and pressed two fingers to Audrey's chest, over her heart. The memory chilled her to the bone, and she couldn't suppress a shudder. "I spent my whole life wishing he would die, but I never thought he would. I thought he was invincible. I can't believe it was that easy."
"Was it easy? Kevin told us who he worked for."
Nathalie didn't think either agent could understand them, but names would be hard to disguise in any language. She was glad Audrey was smart enough not to say Moriyama aloud. "My uncle said he was going to them to try and negotiate a ceasefire. I don't know if he's strong enough to bargain with them, but I'd like to think he wouldn't have risked it without real ground to stand on. Promise me no one's told the FBI about them."
"No one's said a word to them since they said we couldn't see you."
Nathalie's heart skipped a beat. The heat that gnawed at her chest was an ugly mix of gratitude and shame. She tried to speak, but had to clear her throat before trying again. "But why? I've done nothing but lie to them. I willingly put them all in danger so I could play a little longer. They got hurt last night because of me. Why would they protect me now?"
"You are a Fox," Audrey said, like it was that simple, and maybe it was.
The German word was close enough to the English one, especially in Audrey's accent, that it had the rest of their team perking up, but Nathalie was too focused. She dropped her eyes and worked her jaw, fighting for a center she was quickly losing hold of. She barely recognized her own voice when she said, "Audrey, they want to take me away from here. They want to enroll me in the Witness Protection Program so my father's people can't find me. I don't want–" she started, but that wasn't fair. "If you tell me to leave, I'll go."
She didn't say that it would kill her, but she didn't have to. Audrey hooked her fingers in the collar of Nathalie's sweatshirt and tugged just enough for her to feel it. For a moment, Nathalie was months away from that moment, standing in the darkened front hall of Audrey's house for the first time with a warm key digging into her palm. It felt like coming home, and it was enough to take the edge off her fear.
"You aren't going anywhere," Audrey said: the same words, the same promise. She spoke in English again, and Nathalie understood why when she heard Audrey's next words. Audrey was playing instigator and inviting the Foxes to the fight. "You're staying with us. If they try to take you away, they will lose."
"Take you away," Dan echoed. "To where?"
"Are we talking about 'away for some questioning' or 'away for good'?" Matt demanded.
"Both," Browning said.
"You can't have him," Nicky said. "He belongs with us."
"When people find out she is still alive, they will come for her," Browning said. "It is not safe for her here anymore, and it sure as hell isn't safe for you. It is better for everyone if she disappears."
They understood better than he ever would, since Kevin had already told them of the Wesninski-Moriyama alliance. They'd been dealing with Riko's madness for a year now, thanks to Kevin, and they looked wholly unimpressed.
"What part of 'go to hell' do you need us to explain to you?" Allison asked.
"We told you to fuck right off, and we meant it," Seth added. "So? Fuck right off."
"We're all legal adults here," Matt said. "We've made our decision. Unless Neil wants to stay with you, you'd better bring him back to us when you're done with all your questions."
"'Neil' isn't a real person," Browning said, fed up with their willful ignorance. "It's just a cover that let Nathalie evade the authorities. It's past time to let this Neil go."
"Neil or Nathalie or whoever," Nicky said. "He's ours, and we're not letting go. You want us to vote on it, or something? Bet you it'll be unanimous."
"Nathalie," Browning said, turning to her. "You would seriously risk your team against your father's people? The exact kinds of people that only had you for a few hours and you still had to have half your body sewn back together and get a rape kit done?"
Nathalie flinched back hard enough to tug badly at the wounds on her chest, but she still heard Renee's tone turn icy in a way she'd never heard before. "You should reconsider how you're threatening us right now, especially as a federal agent. How will that come across in court when you play back that recorder in your pocket?"
"Coach Wymack, talk some sense into your team," Browning said.
"Neil," Wymack said, and Nathalie lifted her head to look over Audrey at Wymack. Nathalie had seen that look on his face only once before, when Wymack tried his best to put her back together after Christmas. It was the look of a man made ancient by others' tragedies; it was the look of a man who'd have their backs no matter what it cost him. Nathalie felt wretched for causing it again, but infinitely comforted by Wymack's unhesitating support. "Talk to me. What do you want, kid?"
Nathalie swallowed hard against an unexpected lump in her throat. Her words game out so jagged they all had to go quiet to understand her. "I want– I know I shouldn't stay, but I can't– I won't survive losing this. I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to lose any of you. I don't want to be Nathalie anymore. I want to be Neil for as long as I can."
"Good," Wymack said. "I'd have a hell of a time fitting Wesninski on a jersey."
Browning rubbed his temples. "I would like a word with you."
"About?"
"Your willingness to put your players in considerable danger, for one."
"Giving up on Neil now goes against everything we are," Wymack said. "I'm game to argue with you about it for as long as it takes, but not if it means using up Neil's allotted time. That's not fair to any of them."
Audrey tugged Nathalie's hoodie, and said in German, "Get rid of them before I kill them."
"They're waiting for answers," Nathalie said. "They were never able to charge my father while he was alive. They're hoping I know enough to start decimating his circle in his absence. I'm going to give them as much of the truth as I can without telling them he was acting on his boss's orders. Do you want to be there for it? It's the story I should have given you months ago."
"I have to go. I don't trust them to give you back."
Audrey let go of her, and got to her feet. Nathalie got up without her help and looked past Audrey to Wymack. "I'm sorry," she said in English. "I should have told you, but I couldn't."
"Don't worry about that right now," Wymack said. "Twenty minutes isn't nearly long enough for this conversation. We can talk about it on the ride back to campus, right?"
"Yes," Nathalie said. "I promise. I just have to talk to them first."
"Then go," Dan said. When Nathalie looked back at her, she stressed, "but come back to us as soon as they're done with you, okay? We'll figure this out as a team."
"As a family." Nicky attempted a smile. It was weak, but still encouraging.
This had to be a cruel dream. Their forgiveness threatened to burn Nathalie up from the inside-out, as healing as it was damning. She didn't deserve their friendship or their trust. She would never be able to repay them for rallying behind her like this. She could only try the rest of her life, however long it was going to be now that Stuart was in the picture and Nathan was out, she would always fall short.
"Thank you," she said.
Allison waved off her thanks with an airiness that didn't match her tense expression. "No, thank you. You just closed three outstanding bets and made me five hundred bucks. I'd rather find out exactly why and when you two hooked up rather than think about this awfulness any longer, so let's talk about that on the ride back instead."
Aaron's gaze bounced from Allison to Nathalie to Audrey. He was waiting for one of them to shoot her down, Nathalie thought, and his expression went unreadable when neither one of them did. He should have known already, unless this was the last layer of denial. Nicky opened his mouth, then closed it without a word, and stared at Nathalie. Kevin, surprisingly, didn't react at all.
Nathalie didn't have the energy to confirm or deny anything right then, so she just looked at Audrey and asked, "Ready?"
"Waiting on you," Audrey reminded her.
"I didn't invite her," Browning said.
"Trust me," Wymack said. "You'll fare a lot better if you take them both."
Browning flicked a calculating look between them, and gave in with an impatient, "We're leaving now."
Wymack moved out of the way to let them pass, but as Nathalie reached the door, he said, "We'll wait for you, all right? As long as it takes, Neil."
Nathalie nodded and stepped out onto the balcony. She and Audrey went down the stairs behind Browning and got into the backseat of the SUV. Browning sat ahead of them and slammed the door. Nathalie watched until the hotel disappeared out the window, then looked to Audrey and asked in German, "Can I really be Neil again?"
"I told Neil to stay," Audrey said. "Leave Nathalie buried in Baltimore with her father."
Nathalie looked out the window again and wondered if that was possible. She knew in a sense she could never really leave Nathalie behind. Even if Stuart could talk the Moriyamas down, they'd all know Nathan's child was alive and kicking. Nathalie would always be a security risk to them, but the thought was thrilling and terrifying in turns. Nathalie turned her hand over to consider her palm. She traced Audrey's keys into her skin with a bandaged finger.
"Neil Sarai Josten," Neil murmured, and it felt like waking up from a bad dream.
She knew talking to the FBI wasn't going to be easy, but she hadn't expected it to be so bad. She spent the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday cooped up with them in their offices. The only time Audrey and Neil left each other's line of sight was when someone came by to check Neil's wounds, and the two of them were never left alone together. The agents brought in food, so she wouldn't have to leave the building, escorted her to and from the restroom where she always dragged Audrey along as to not get cornered, and set up cots so she and Audrey could sleep on-site under surveillance.
In exchange for their questionable hospitality, Neil told them everything. They started with Lola's phone call and went through the shootout, where Neil put as many names to faces as she could. Almost as important as who died was who'd survived. Neither Romero nor Jackson had been at the house. That confirmation sent Neil into such a bad spiral that Audrey had forced her head to the floor, her hand nearly bruising on the back of Neil's neck. From there, they bounced to Neil's childhood, and each and every terrible things that entailed.
After they ransacked her memory for everything about her father's people and known heists, they moved on to her whereabouts for the last seven years between Baltimore and Millport. Neil took them and Audrey step by step through every alias and residence, but she refused to give up her mother's contacts. She pleaded ignorance based on her age, and after asking her questions so many different ways they lost track, the agents eventually gave up. Neil told them where her father's people had caught up with them each time, the places where Nathan himself had shown up on their heels, and stopped with her mother's death.
They had to acknowledge the Hatfords, at one point, but it made for a cagey conversation at best. The FBI couldn't admit to whatever deals they'd struck, and Neil couldn't prove anything. Instead, they focused on what Neil knew of Stuart from her youth. Neil didn't have much to offer, but what little she did have became a turning point in how some of the agents viewed her. Until that conversation, they looked at her and only saw Nathan. Finding out she had chosen a life on the run over a sedentary life with another crime family earned her points with more than one fed. Neil wanted to bristle away, having only known one sedentary criminal life and been worse for it, but if the feds wanted to think that a ten-year old girl had been given any real choice against Mary Hatford, they were delusional.
Twice on Sunday they brought up Witness Protection, but Neil refused both times. She was giving them everything they needed to build a case, and she was willing to testify if they could get any of Nathan's people on the stands. Until then, she wanted to stay as she was. If they enrolled her against her will, she would simply slip her leash and go back to Palmetto. Audrey said the Foxes would never let Neil disappear quietly. They'd raise a fuss and get the press neck-deep in it until someone turned her up. The agents called them selfish and reckless, and a million other things, and finally used Romero's continued survival as a threat, but Neil and Audrey held their ground.
Neil didn't know they had won the argument until Browning slapped a couple applications on the table in front of them. The first was an official name change request, the second and third were for a passport and driver's license, and the last was for a reissued social security card due to the first being stripped at Nathalie Wesninski's death. Her gaze snagged on the license. Right under the letter D for her class, there was a tiny F that she had never had the luxury of before. A picture Neil only dimly recognized was held to it with a paperclip; it was her school file photo taken by Wymack– little more than a mugshot. In it, she still had her brown hair and eyes, and her face was free of Riko's tattoo. Despite the picture, the application was half-filled out already and indicated her natural features. She guessed the photo would shrink to where no one would realize the discrepancy. It all made her heart race.
She was so distracted by the picture it took her only a moment to understand the significance of what she had been handed. Across the top of every page was the name Neil Josten. All Neil had to do was sign the dotted lines.
"Consider this a contract with us," Browning said, sounding as peeved as always. He waited for Neil to look up at her before continuing. "Once you sign this, we start the process to instate Neil Josten as a valid and functioning member of society. That means no more running, and no more fake IDs. You are going to be Neil from now until death. You are not allowed to change your mind. You so much as order a latte under a pseudonym and we are going to have a serious problem."
"Pen," Neil said, holding out her hand. When Browning didn't move fast enough, she said, "I get it. Just give me a pen so I can sign it."
Browning tossed it onto the table. Audrey caught it before it could roll off the edge and passed it over. Neil scribbled her name along every dotted line and handed the stack back. Browning passed them off to someone else and considered the file-strewn table.
"We're done here," Browning said. "If we think of anything else, we'll let you know."
"I'm sure you will." Neil got to her feet and stretched out the day's kinks. The conference room they had taken over was windowless, but the clock on the wall said it was half past nine. They'd been in there for almost thirteen hours. The day had felt long as it dragged by, but knowing how many hours she lost pushed her one step past exhausted to completely drained. She carefully scrubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes and yawned.
"Stetson will give you a lift," Browning said when Neil dropped her hands to her sides.
Stetson drove them back, and escorted them all the way up to the hotel room. The Foxes had spread out in their absence. Having to stay a night meant they needed more beds. The room with two queen beds now housed only Abby and Wymack. Wymack looked from Neil to Audrey, then turned his attention on Stetson.
"Giving me a ride to the bus?" He asked. He waited for a nod, then motioned for Audrey and Neil to make themselves at home. "I'll be right back. Figure out if we're staying or going."
He closed the door behind himself. Neil listened through the wood for the faint sound of footsteps on stairs, then locked the door and pulled the chain. Abby sat in the middle of one of the beds, and she held out both hands to Neil when she turned away from the door.
"Let me take a look at you."
Neil couldn't crawl across the bed to her or shove herself across with her hands, so she toed out of her shoes and stepped up onto the bed. The mattress dipped uncomfortably with every step, but she sat in the middle before she could fall. The mattress shifted as Audrey took up her post behind Neil. Neil put down her bag of medicine where Abby could get to the antibiotics if necessary, but she had the Foxes unusually well-stocked first aid kit on her night stand. She leaned over to get it, put it down at her side, and reached for the bandages on her face.
Abby worked in silence. She didn't need to say anything when her fractured expression said enough. When she was finished, she started unwrapping the bandages from Neil's right arm. Audrey shifted closer at that, as she still hadn't gotten a real look at Neil's uncovered arms, but Neil kept her eyes on Abby. Grief and outrage warred for dominance on Abby's face, but she held her tongue until she made it to Neil's hand.
She swallowed hard. "Oh my god, Neil."
Neil finally risked a look down at her arms. Her skin was striped with parallel lines that were black from bloody scabs but not quite deep enough to need stitches. Lola had filled the gaps between them with shallow burns, perfect circles leading from her elbow to an inch shy of her wrist. She'd torn her wrists open again on the handcuffs and with how much damage the skin already had from Evermore, she didn't know if they would ever heal to what they had once been. Dark bruises made a thick band around the ruined skin of her wrists, and stretched up onto her thumbs. Her knuckles were burnt so badly that Neil had to flex her fingers to make sure they worked.
For half of a second, she was back in that car, Lola's knife pressed to her skin and nowhere to go but six feet under. Neil didn't know what sound came out of her mouth, but Audrey's fingers were a sudden and unforgiving weight on the back of her neck. Audrey pushed her forward again, and held her down. Neil tried to breathe, but her chest was as tight as a rubber band ready to snap.
"It's over," Abby said and gently combed her fingers through Neil's hair. "It's over. You're going to be okay. We've got you."
Neil breathed, in-out-in-out, too shallow to reach her lungs, too fast to do her any good. She flexed her fingers again, then clenched them, knowing she was splitting the scabs open, knowing she was pulling at burned flesh trying so hard to heal, but needing to know she still had a grip to speak of. She needed to know that her father and Riko had both lost, that she could walk away from this and step back onto the court as Neil Josten. For a moment, that single-mindedness was enough to startle a bit of clarity into her, and Neil was desperately grateful she didn't have the breath to laugh. She knew how panicked it would sound.
"Stop it," Audrey said, like it was really that simple.
It wasn't, but Neil's tangled mix of anger and exasperation was enough to put a hiccup in her gasping. The catch disrupted the frantic pace enough that Neil managed a real breath. She raked in a second breath as deep as she could, then a third one as slowly as she could stomach it. Her insides were still quaking by the time she got a sixth, but she was off the ledge and back, safe in their hands. Neil didn't care if she felt two seconds from vomiting all over the scratchy white comforter. She went limp, and Audrey pulled her back upright. Neil found comfort, so immense it was nearly sharp in feeling the sheathes inside her armbands press into Neil's skin. Looking at Audrey was safer than facing the damage again, so Neil studied Audrey's profile and let Abby work.
She was halfway done with her left arm when Wymack returned. Audrey had to get up to let him in, but she came right back and squeezed Neil's knee. Neil could have cried. Wymack stood between the beds to survey the mess. His expression was unreadable, but his half-lidded eyes were dark, and Neil knew how to read the anger in every inch of an older man's frame. Neil made another fist, a silent promise that her hands were still in working order. It did nothing to take the tension away from Wymack's shoulders.
"Are we spending the night here?" Wymack asked.
"I hate Baltimore," Neil said. "Can we go?"
Wymack nodded and looked to Abby. "How much longer do you need?"
"Ten minutes, maybe."
"There's more on my chest," Neil said.
Abby seemed to hold back a flinch. "Twenty minutes. We'll be done by the time everyone's checked out and on the bus."
"I'll round them up," Wymack said. "They won't bother you until we're back on campus."
"I promised them answers," Neil said.
"The bus isn't set up for a conversation like this. Even two to a row, they'd be too spaced out to hear you. Just wait 'til we get home, kid. The locker room has a better setup. Nap back to the stadium and deal with them in familiar territory."
"My room key's on the dresser," Abby said to Wymack. "Take your stuff so you can get straight on the bus."
Wymack plucked it up, grabbed his things, and left to get the Foxes. Abby finished on Neil's arms, and ever-so carefully, Neil eased her shirt up for Abby to work. The marks were deeper there, but fewer. Lola had made those marks less to torture and more to disfigure, so a few of the knife wounds were held together with short strands of stitches. Abby didn't react more than she already had, she just slid her kit a little closer. Audrey's gaze was locked onto Neil's face, not going to look without permission, so Neil nodded once, and watched her display more of that unending rage as she was taken in.
"One of the girls might have a bra you could borrow, but I would recommend going without for a while," Abby said. "I especially don't want you binding or taping at least until these stitches come out."
"No need," Neil said quietly, then tugged her shirt back on slowly when Abby finished replacing the bandages. "I don't have to hide anymore."
Abby took that in stride with a nod. The presence of the bandages, though they weren't tight or suffocating in the slightest, was as disquieting as it was comforting. She repacked her back, and handed Neil painkillers to swallow dry before the rest of her medicine. The team hadn't come to Baltimore with much, just what they'd needed for the game in New York, but Neil checked every drawer to make sure nothing was left behind.
The bus was waiting for them downstairs, door open and overhead lights on. Matt was putting the last gear bag in the storage compartment as they approached.
"I dropped my gear in New York," Neil realized.
"Audrey found it while she was looking for you," Abby said. "Your bag was four gates down by the time the police broke things up. Everything was a bit worse for wear, but at least it's all accounted for."
Matt slammed the doors closed, tugged the handles to make sure the locks caught and gave Neil a once-over. "Hey," Matt said. "Coach made us promise to leave you alone, but are you okay?"
"No," Neil said, not helped by her voice cracking, "but I think I will be."
She stepped into the bus and found the Foxes sitting one to a row. They usually left space between the upperclassmen and Audrey's group, but tonight, Nicky, Aaron, and Kevin had settled in directly behind their older teammates. Neil would have taken the cushion behind Kevin, except Audrey headed for her usual seat in the far back. Neil followed her, then sat in front of Audrey, leaving a two-seat gap between her and the rest of the Foxes.
It wasn't soon after that Audrey moved to sit next to Neil. Neil put her feet down, making room for her, which seemed to surprise Audrey, if Neil read the twitch down of her mouth properly. Getting comfortable was already impossible, thanks to the injuries on her front, and she couldn't lay comfortably on her back, and especially not with Audrey there.
Audrey pressed them shoulder to shoulder, and it was enough of something to prop herself again that when she slumped her head back, she let herself drift. It was an offer of protection, Neil thought, that she would gladly take. Audrey tugged one on her earlobe, and Neil put her head obediently on Audrey's shoulder. The snatches of rest she caught did almost more harm than good, but next to Audrey, she finally felt safe.
Neil knew they were getting close when Wymack parked the bus outside of a gas station. It took three Foxes to carry back enough coffees for everyone, and they didn't bother passing the cups out. A couple minutes later, th eFoxhole Court rolled into view outside Neil's window. The sight of it was a much-needed jolt of adrenaline. Neil trailed bandaged knuckles along the cold window.
Neil Josten, she mouthed. Number ten, starting striker, Foxhole Court.
Even if the Moriyamas rejected Stuart's truce and came after her, the process had begun. Neil Josten was in the system to become a real person. She wouldn't die a lie.
Wymack killed the engine, and Neil painstakingly sat up. The Foxes filed off the bus and divvied up their gear. Audrey was last off the bus, dragging her feet with the weight of them. Neil looked for her bag, and found it slung over Matt's shoulder. She tried to take a tray of coffee instead, but Dan shot her wrapped hands a pointed look and ignored the offer.
They all trailed inside, and settled in the lunge. Dan, Renee, and Allison handed out drinks. Wymack had filled a plastic bag with snack foods, everything from powdered doughnuts to chips, and he upended it on the table for everyone to dig through. Nicky pulled a protein bar from the mix and passed it to Neil. Neil tried pulling the foil wrapper open and hissed through clenched teeth at the burn in her knuckles. Audrey took it from her, ripped it open in one easy swipe, and dumped it in Neil's waiting hand.
Kevin leaned forward to look past Audrey at Neil, and spoke in low but urgent French. "We need to talk about this."
"Give me a minute," Neil said, not bothering with French. They would all know everything in a minute.
"This," Kevin said, with emphasis, touching his tattoo.
"Later," Neil said.
"Neil–"
"I said no," Neil said.
That was enough for Audrey, who put a hand on Kevin's shoulder and pushed him back. Kevin opened his mouth to argue again, but caught himself. He pressed a careful hand to his mottled throat, and looked away. Wymack was the last to sit down, and suddenly Neil was the center of attention again.
She looked around the room at them and said uncertainly, "I don't know where to start."
"The beginning?" Dan suggested.
They were less interested in her father than they were in Neil herself, and they didn't yet need or want the level of details she'd given the FBI. Kevin had shared some of the truth on the drive from New York to Maryland, but Neil didn't know what all he'd told them. Chances were Neil was repeating a detail or two, but no one stopped her.
She told them who her parents were both officially and in reality. She admitted that she'd played little league Exy for a couple years under a different name and in a different position. She told them about her mother's abrupt decision to run away, the terrible eight years on the run, hiding her identity right along with being a girl, and the confrontation that ended with her mother's death. She told them how she ended up in Millport and why she tried out for the Exy team there.
She told them why she'd risked everything to come there, what it'd meant when she found out who the Moriyamas were, and how many times she'd thought about running away before she cut things too close. She swore she hadn't known until the fall banquet who her father really was to the Moriyamas and that even now, she only dimly understood the intricate hierarchy between the Moriyama branches and the Wesninski circle. It was all a blurry mess after Lola upended it all by taking Neil right out from under Tetsuji. She knew even less how her uncle was supposed to fit in there.
She told them how she'd intended to end the year, how she'd hoped to at least make it through championships and a rematch with Riko but how she'd realized months ago she wasn't going to be back the following year. It was the answer they probably deserved the most, because that fatalistic decision had colored every other interaction with them, and fueled her determination to not let them get too close to her.
They listened to it all without interruption and sat in silence for a long time afterward. The eventual questions were inevitable, and Neil answered everything they asked. They seemed startled at first by the honesty, no matter the story that had come before it, and were emboldened by her unhesitating responses. Renee said nothing until everyone else's curiosity had been temporarily assuaged, then somehow made a dire what-if sound almost kind.
"You said your uncle is negotiating a truce with Kengo. What if he can't?"
Neil didn't waste their time softening her response. "They will get rid of me."
"You're not serious," Matt said, alarmed.
"I am a loose end," Neil said. "I'm dangerous enough on a good day, and unforgivable when Kengo is dying. The Moriyamas can't afford leaks in their empire when they're about to shift that much power around. Ichirou is going to need to clean house one way or another, and I will be a part of that whether or not I want to be."
"When will you know?" Dan asked.
"Uncle Stuart said he would get in touch with me when he was done sorting things out."
"Don't worry," Nicky said, with a failed attempt at cheer. "Audrey will protect you."
Kevin flicked him a horrified look. "These are the Moriyamas, Nicky. This is not Riko and the master; this is not Neil's father. Audrey can't-"
"I know," Nicky cut in, irritated. "Just shut up. No one wants to hear that right now."
They fell to uncomfortable silence. Wymack looked between them, then said, "One more thing: if the press hasn't caught on yet, it's inevitable that they will. Browning told me the steps they were taking to hide your name, but if anyone followed them from the hospital to the hotel they'll put it together. It doesn't matter that the bus wasn't on-site; if they saw any of us changing rooms they'll follow us to you.
"You looking like this," he motioned up at his own face, "will be all the answer they need. The FBI can ask them to take your safety into consideration before they start running articles, but since you revoked their protection I don't know how much weight their word carries. Figure out as soon as you can how far you'll let them push and where you want us to draw the line."
"It's generally best to give them the answers they want," Allison said. "If you satisfy their curiosity, then they won't have to resort to more forceful methods. Besides, the press serves the fickle mind of public interest. They can't focus on you for long. Something else will distract them."
"General public, maybe," Dan said, "but Exy fans will remember long after everyone else has moved on. They're going to drag the other teams into this and let them say whatever they like about you. It's going to be our freshman year all over again, but worse."
"Unless we find something they want more than a piece of me," Neil said.
"Like what?" Matt asked. "It's kind of a hard story to top."
Neil leaned forward and slanted a look at Kevin, then answered the long-left French. "They won't care half as much about my father when they find out who yours is. You'll always be bigger news than I am to them."
"It's not time." Kevin said immediately, mouth thinning into a disapproving line.
"Make it the time. I need your help, and you should have told him years ago," Neil accused. When Kevin didn't answer, Neil interpreted it as the reluctant agreement that she wanted it to be. She straightened and went back to English. "We're going to split their attention between us. Kevin's going to out his father."
"Wait, you know who he is?" Nicky asked Kevin, startled.
"I found out," Kevin said, an edge sharp and clear in his words. "My mother wrote the master when she found out she was pregnant. I took the letter from his house and hid it at the stadium when I found it. I couldn't take it with me when I left."
"I took it from Evermore," Neil said. She shrugged at the startled look Kevin flicked her. "Jean showed me where it was. I stole it so you would do something about it."
"So who is it?" Dan asked.
"I won't tell anyone until I speak with him," Kevin said. "He deserves forewarning."
Renee looked to Neil, and said, "What do you want and need from us, Neil?"
It didn't take much thought. "Everything I needed, you already gave me. You let me stay."
"And the whole girl thing?" Nicky asked. "If you're done running, are you also done being a guy? Or are you keeping that? What's up with it?"
Neil shrugged. "That has always been the least of my problems, honestly, but the press will catch wind of it soon enough, so I might as well get used to being a girl again."
"Don't do anything you don't want to," Audrey said.
Neil offered her what weak smile she could. "I want to, if that's good with everyone. Besides, the girl's locker room always smells better anyway."
Renee's smile was slow and sweet. Dan got up and crossed the room to give Neil a careful hug. She didn't hold Neil like Abby once had, like she thought Neil might fall apart without her support. There was a muted ferocity in the fingers that bit into Neil's arms, and she could feel the tension in Dan where she leaned against her. This wasn't comfort; it was something protective and defiant. She was staking claim over her as one of her team. Somehow, it was enough to ease the last of the day's stresses out of her. That much-needed peace only made Neil realize how exhausted she still was, and she barely managed to swallow a yawn.
Dan let go, and took a step back when Neil finally relaxed. "Come on. It's been a long day, and I'm ready to see it over with. Let's sleep this off, and figure out in the morning where to go from here. Maybe we'll all get breakfast or something, alright?"
Abby handed Neil her medicine. "Let me check on you again tomorrow, but be careful washing, okay? Wrap your arms if you can, and avoid your chest altogether. If you get soap in those burns, it's going to hurt."
Neil nodded, looked to Wymack one last time, and followed her teammates out. Their cars were still in the parking lot where they'd left them a couple days ago. Audrey popped the locks on her car and Nicky opened the passenger door for Neil. Neil climbed in and didn't bother struggling with the buckle. As soon as her limbs were out of the way, Nicky slammed the door and got back in. The upperclassmen all piled into Matt's truck, and they pulled out after Audrey.
It was the middle of the night, but there was usually still something going on around campus. Today, the grounds were dead, and it took Neil a moment to remember it was spring break. Understanding was quickly followed by a flicker of guilt; the others had plans to fly out on Sunday morning. They had missed their flights to stay in Baltimore with her. She asked Dan about it when they met up again at Fox Tower, but she waved it off as unimportant.
No one talked about it, but somehow they all ended up in Neil's dorm. Matt and Seth shoved the couch out of the way, and the girls showed up a minute later with blankets. The living room wasn't meant to sleep nine bodies, but somehow they made a workable nest out of it. Foxes came and went as they grabbed pillows and changed into pajamas. For a moment, though, Matt and Seth were alone with Neil. Matt gave Neil's shoulder in a careful squeeze.
"Things could have gone much worse," Matt said, subdued.
"That's a fucking understatement," Seth grumbled, and Matt elbowed him.
"I'm saying I'm glad they didn't. You want anything, you need anything, you let us know. Okay?"
Neil nodded. "I know."
"I mean it," Matt pressed. "Seth does too, he's just a dick."
"I am," Seth said gravely.
"I know," Neil repeated, just as seriously, then loosened. "I'm done lying to you guys. I promise."
Matt sighed, but he sounded more tired than skeptical. "Wish it didn't take all of this to get that, but I guess I understand. A lot of things about you make sense, actually. With one notable exception, of course."
"I mean, you're the same to me," Seth said unhelpfully. "I always knew you were a freak. Oh– ow! I didn't mean it like that. I bet with Allison, Jesus."
"And she'll kill you if we steal her thunder," Matt warned, but Neil wasn't sure what they were talking about.
"Great," Neil said. Matt grinned at her unenthusiastic tone. Neil thought maybe she was better off not knowing specifics, but she asked, "So that means you bet against it."
"I bet for you and against her," Matt said, and shrugged at Neil's surprised look. "I'm your roommate. You never talked about boys the way Nicky wanted you to, and you never even spared one glance at me or Seth. It makes no difference to me either way, except I would have seriously judged your taste a couple days ago."
"It was weird when we thought you were a boy," Seth admitted, "but now it makes sense."
"And you're not going to be a dick about it?" Matt bluntly checked.
Seth snorted, and tellingly, his gaze snagged on Renee and Allison as they re-entered. "No. I won't be. I don't have time for that shit anymore, least of all to Neil. She's already gone through it with the meat grinder. Besides, Audrey's proven she will cross her own lines if it's important enough."
"Did she really choke Kevin?" Neil asked.
"Took us and Wymack to pull her off," Matt said.
Neil didn't know what to say to that. Matt gave her a minute, then clapped her shoulder again and went to get changed. Neil thought about getting undressed, decided it would take far too much effort, and sat down on her blankets to wait on the rest of the Foxes. She was just pulling her own comforter over her lap when the door opened to admit a nervous looking Katelyn, Aaron coming up behind her.
"Is it okay if I sleep here too?" Katelyn asked Neil. She barely spared a glance for the bandages and bruises on her face, which shocked Neil. Aaron must have warned her. "I don't want to cause any problems with Audrey, but oh my god, I've been so worried. Aaron just said you were missing, but the cheerleader bus wouldn't stop. No one wanted to turn around after we just barely got out before the riot. Still, I can leave. I'm just so glad you're here and you're safe."
Katelyn was so earnest that she didn't even notice as Audrey slipped through the door as she was speaking. Aaron visibly stiffened, but Neil held up a hand. "You can stay. I'm glad to see you."
Neil felt almost as surprised as Katelyn looked, but it didn't take much to realize that was the truth. Katelyn flashed one of her sparkling smiles in gratitude and followed Aaron's hand on her elbow. Neil's words rendered her immune to Audrey's glare, it seemed. Said glare didn't last long, though, since Neil tugged on the knee of Audrey's pajama pants, and all her attention landed on Neil at once.
"Stay next to me?"
Audrey didn't even bother nodding.
Neil ended up in the dead center of the room, with Audrey on one side of her, and Matt on the other. Her thoughts should have kept her up all night, but with all of her friends that close, Neil couldn't worry about anything. Neil studied Audrey's face until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore.
She dreamed of facing her father on an Exy court, and in her dream, the Foxes won.
Notes:
guys why are the vixens not mentioned with the riot at all. neil u selective narrator rat bastard u. the foxes also find out she's a girl! yay! i rewrote this a lot, but the simple conversation felt right. at the end of the day, they're all foxes and when the fbi agents rocked up and started calling neil nathalie and were like yes she's a girl, it made sense to them bc there's too many weird behaviors that this so easily explains
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