Chapter Text
Konoha is just the same as Jiraiya left it.
After traveling for so long between various nations, Jiraiya forgot how it feels to be home. So much has changed since he was last here, but that feeling of nostalgia is strong as he recognizes the old and notices the new. Master Hiruzen’s face is still carved into the mountain. He's joined by a new addition — Minato, Jiraiya's own student. There’s the same club Jiraiya used to frequent on the outskirts of the red light district, and a civilian who was once his neighbor just opened a brand new bookstore. He’s not here to chum around with old heads right now, though. That can wait for later. Right now, he’s here to visit his newborn godson.
Minato told him that Kushina and Naruto were at Training Field B when he made his impromptu visit to the Hokage's office. He also told him that Tsunade and Orochimaru had just returned from a long mission, so they should be in town. Maybe he can convince them to grab a drink with him tonight? And then, maybe they can relive old times… like that one with Orochimaru after they almost died during a mission, and the one with Tsunade in a bathroom stall, or when all three of them—
He stops himself. He has all the time in the world for scandalous outings with his previous teammates. Right now, he’s got to find Kushina.
It isn’t too hard. She’s exactly where Minato said she would be, and she swaddles Naruto in her arms as they catch up with each other (“I’m doing great! If I ever catch Kakashi reading Icha Icha: Paradise again, I’m breaking your nose. He’s only fifteen!”) and swap stories. Off to the side sit two of Minato’s students, Obito Uchiha and Kakashi Hatake.
The two boys are brushing shoulders and sharing bentos, all buddy-buddy-like even though they were bickering about everything and nothing at all rather than actually training just minutes ago. They went at it just like a married couple would do, which was to be expected after Obito hit him with a stupidly childish nickname, “Bakashi." It wasn’t the first time Jiraiya had seen them do this, and it certainly won’t be the last. He can only hope that Naruto doesn’t take after them in that respect when he’s old enough to find a woman (or hey — a man! He’s progressive!) to marry.
“Finally, some peace and quiet," beside him, Kushina sighs. “I wish they could be like this forever.”
Jiraiya snorts, “Like, what? Normal people?”
“Normal is a little bit of a stretch, don’tcha think?”
“Yeah probably, but who knows? They might calm down with age. I remember getting into my fair share of spats with my teammates back in the day.”
“Maybe…” Kushina smiles, but it’s worn around the edges. Little Naruto babbles in her arms. She rocks him back and forth. Opens her mouth. Closes it.
Jiraiya raises an eyebrow. "What? What's wrong?"
“...It’s just been hard practically raising three boys. Usually Rin’s around to mediate for us, but you just missed her. She’s been working at the hospital and — oh shit,” her face falls with the realization. “I forgot to give her lunch! I gotta—” She kneels down to grab a picnic basket with Naruto still bouncing in her arms. He makes a face, begins to cry, and Kushina makes a different face like she smelled something sour.
“Dammit,” she says directly to her son, who definitely can’t understand her, but she speaks to him like he can anyway and glances at him sternly. “Naruto, you’re not allowed to say that word. Wait till you’re older, Yaknow?” Then, she turns to Jiraiya, holding the basket out. “Could you please deliver this to Rin? My son needs a diaper change and I just used my last one, so...”
Jiraiya blinks at his godson, realizing for the first time that he’s more than just something to tote around and dote on. He’s a living creature; he’s a human being with needs, and… given what he just witnessed, Jiraiya thinks he should use protection more often, even with his age. The more time he spends with Kushina, the more exhausted she looks. Yeah, no, actually raising a toddler doesn’t seem like something he’d want to put on his bucket list.
He reluctantly agrees, grabs the picnic basket from her hand, and watches Kushina carry his godson off with a newfound respect for her and every mother alike. He wonders if maybe, just maybe, he should be ashamed of himself for having the words MILF (mother i’d like to fuck) and KILF (kunoichi i’d like to fuck) in his vocabulary when he was younger. He’s mentally drafting up apology to Tsunade for his behavior when he hears two of the most grating, irritating voices:
“I don’t need to work on my form, you need to work on your attitude!”
“What attitude?"
"That one!"
"Mah, Obito, I’m perfectly calm. You, on the other hand…”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit. You’re always acting like you’re so aloof and above it all and it drives me crazy. I outta pummel you in right now — wait. Where’d Kushina go?”
(Somewhere in the distance, Kushina sneezes. Her son babbles on and on until he finally forms the words — his first words — “Yaknow?” She smiles down at him, sings words of encouragement, and thanks the Sage it wasn’t “damn it.”)
Jiraiya body-flickers away with the basket, putting as much distance between the two and him as possible. Sage, what a disaster pair. Why don’t they just duke it out, or make out already? Seems like they’d get a lot of tension out that way. Ugh.
The sun is high in the sky. This is good. It gives him time to run his errands, book a hotel room, and maybe get some writing in before going out tonight. He’s been looking for some inspiration, but hasn’t found anything of substance. It’s only been a year since he’d published Icha Icha Paradise and after the booming reception of its debut release, he doesn’t think he can go back to writing anything like Tales of a Gutsy Ninja. Sure - action and quickly-paced plot development is fun to write. It comes naturally to him, but so does romance and shameless smut. If only he could find a way to combine the two for a second installment of Icha Icha…
Jiraiya thinks on it as he catches Rin walking out of the hospital for her work break. Perfect timing. He flags her down and when she runs up to him, he gives her a rundown of what just happened with Kushina. Smiling, she politely thanks him and takes the basket, promising to return it to Kushina as soon as possible.
Jiraiya always liked her. She's a good kid.
“I wish I knew you were in the village today. I could have been there with Kushina to greet you. Ah, Kakashi and Obito didn’t give you too much trouble, did they?”
“Nah, they were on their best behavior…” Not. Jiraiya rolls his eyes. He never really liked the underdog-versus-prodigy trope. It’s overdone and hits a little too close to home.
“...That’s a shame. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Yeah, uh it was pretty exhausting, but I’ll live,” Jiraiya says. “What’s their deal anyway, if you don’t mind me asking?” He looks around, trying to catch a glimpse through the first floor windows without Rin noticing. Why did he have to catch her outside the hospital of all places? There has got to be some voluptuous nurse who he could draw inspiration from in there. Maybe he could do a doctor/patient relationship? Nah, not compelling enough. A hospital scene, maybe? Those work great for love confessions. If only he were a few feet closer…
“Well, we’ve all known each other forever, but they could never seem to get along. Ever since the academy, all they’ve done was bicker and argue.” Ah, childhood friends, huh? Jiraiya could work with that. “Things got better after the war — after the rockfall. For a while, they calmed down. It was nice. But it’s like something switched in them and now they’re back to this. It’s really frustrating to watch, and neither of them want to talk about it.”
Ah, teenagers. Is there some unresolved tension there? Or maybe a lack of communication? This could be some really juicy shit. He nods along, urging Rin to continue.
“I wish they could just stop and figure it out already,” Rin says, exhausted. “But, anyway… I apologize for going on and on about my team and our problems. What have you been up to? Do you have anything special planned now that you’re back home?”
Jiraiya barely registers her words because the moment of realization hits him like a kunai to the head. That’s it! He’s got it!
He can see it playing like a movie as the metaphors and literary themes piece themselves together in his mind. He puts his hands on his hips and stares out into the distance, proud to put his newfound inspiration to good use. “I’m going to try my hand at writing yaoi.”
…Wait, did he say that out loud?
Then, only a few seconds later does he realize that Rin’s face has morphed into something mixed with confusion and disgust. That doesn’t really matter though because years later, Icha Icha: Sacrifice makes its mark on the literary world as “The most prolific yaoi in today’s shinobi world.”
~Timeskip Noises~
“I can’t believe you’re reading that shit in public,” Obito rolls his eye. They’re walking in the downtown district and Obito’s second-hand embarrassment fully washes over him as Kakashi flips through his favorite book for the billionth time. “Jiraiya’s trashy romance novels can’t be that good.”
A child sees the bright 18+ sign on the cover of Kakashi’s book and asks “daddy, what’s that?”
When hearing this, the father shields the kid’s eyes and sends the two of them a nasty glare as they pass by.
Obits sighs. This is his life now, and it’s all thanks to Kakashi’s blatant stupidity.
Kakashi flips the page casually. “Mahh, Obito, they’re much deeper than that. Icha Icha: Sacrifice wasn’t just about romance. It was about—”
“War, forgiveness, and the human condition. I get it, you’ve only said it a million times before. None of it explains why you constantly read trash," Obito says, because it's true.
He's been dealing with this for years. When Kakashi's Icha Icha habit initially sparked, he gushed over the book for months after “borrowing” (he stole it) one of Minato’s many copies. Obito read it. Of course he did. Why? Kakashi liked it and he wanted to see what the hype was about. Surely if Kakashi was into it, there had to have been some merit there. Right?
Oh, was he wrong, because news flash: there was no hype. Nothing to be excited for. Kakashi just has terrible taste in literature, and Obito should have seen that coming from a mile away.
Just like Kakashi’s favorite foods (eggplant miso? really?) and his favorite time to wake up (6AM? what is he, a psychopath?) and that ratty-ass scarf that he fiddles between his fingers whenever he goes undercover as “Sukea”, Icha Icha: Sacrifice is absolute garbage. The prose is fine, the plot is interesting enough, but the romance and the sex scenes read like they were written by a drunk, horny geriatric man who has really unrealistic expectations of what gay sex actually looks like. Which is probably true unless Jiraiya is bisexual and has slept with a certain someone who can unhinge their jaw like a snake, but... that’s not an image Obito wants to keep in mind.
(It’s not like Obito has much experience in that department, so he has no room to judge.)
“Can’t help it, Obito. It’s a good story,” the stupidly smug shinobi says with a casual shrug. “I get it if you’re not a fan of fine literature, though. It’s not for everyone.”
“It’s not fucking fine literature! Tales of a Gutsy Ninja and How A Shinobi Should Die are ‘fine literature’ and I’ve seen you read them over and over again. You used to have a pretty good taste in ‘fine literature,’ until those weird pervy novels gave you weird pervy brainworms.”
“Aw, so you do take an interest in my personal hobbies. How sweet.”
“Only ‘cause you carry that book around everywhere you go, idiot. I have half a mind to throw it into a puddle.”
Kakashi stops dead in his tracks.
“You wouldn’t.”
“Oh, I would. And I’d like it.”
Before Kakashi can manage a reply, someone calls their names. They turn to the source and it’s Rin, who stands in front of a bookstore. She frequents this one — it’s the only bookstore in the village that sells brand new medical journals and Rin likes to keep those for reference for work.
They catch up to her easily and chat in front of the glass window for a bit. Obito nearly forgets that this store is Kakashi’s favorite too, and it’s apparent in the way that he window-shops. His (visible) eye flashes in interest, and Obito follows it until he catches the exact thing Kakashi is 100% internally fanboying over. The poster says: “NEW BOOK RELEASE: Icha Icha: Denial! Signed by Jiraiya himself!” and then in fine print, “Only for the first twenty pre-sale copies.”
It’s set to release one month from now. Oh, joy.
Rin doesn’t notice Kakashi’s focus on the window. For once, she’s paying attention to Obito when she tells him about her day so far, and that would have been the best thing ever if he were ten years younger — thirteen years old and harboring a crush on the first girl to ever show him an ounce of kindness. These days, he doesn’t really see her like that. Plus, she’s been spending a lot of time with Anko lately so even if he were still pining over her, it would be a lost cause. He’s over her. Has been for a while, but he’s glad to still have her around. She’s his best friend and he wouldn't trade that for anything.
“Oh — I almost forgot. Kakashi, your birthday’s coming up soon, right?” she says.
Kakashi’s face lifts into what Obito thinks would be a crinkle-eyed smile beneath his mask. It’s fake as fuck, as per usual. “I don’t really do birthdays, Rin. You know this.”
“Oh, come on. You’re turning twenty-one! That’s basic grounds for celebration. We have to take you out.”
Rin is such a sweetheart but judging by the way Kakashi’s expression shifts, Obito knows he would rather be taken out by a kunai than whatever Rin is insinuating. She holds up a mock-invisible cup and drinks it down, nudging Obito with her elbow, and he snorts.
Kakashi glares at Obito, eyebrow furrowed. He’s annoyed, and oh, does Obito like to annoy.
“Yeah, Bakashi. You gotta come out to the Shinobi’s Sanctuary with us.” He puts an arm over Kakashi’s shoulder, pulling him in close. “I promise, I’ll go easy on you. But lemme tell you, Gai will try to drink you under the table. Should we invite him?”
He nods toward Rin and she nods back eagerly, pulling out a notepad and a pen from her bag, scribbling in a penmanship that only a doctor could understand. “Of course! I’ll make a list right now. Kakashi’s…. birthday… extravaganza contact list. Should we invite Genma too? What about Asuma?”
“No,” Kakashi says, and Obito slaps him on the shoulder with a firm “Yes.”
“Kurenai… Ebisu... Anko…” She keeps listing off names and Kakashi looks even more miserable as the seconds pass. When she’s finished with her list, where to go, what to do, what to wear, she glances up at Kakashi. “Oh, yeah! What kind of gift would you like? I know you like practical things, but I feel like I always give you medical supplies every year. Would you like anything special this time around?”
Obito remembers a time when Kakashi was an entitled little shit and held out his hand. He was expecting something during his jōnin promotion, right before the Kannabi Bridge fiasco happened. Kakashi will never admit it, but he likes gifts. So when he says, “Mahh, just a ramen coupon," Obito knows that he’s lying his ass off. Judging by the way Kakashi is looking at that poster, Obito knows exactly what to get him.
An idea sparks. Obito doesn’t like it, but he resigned himself to dealing with Kakashi’s antics for the rest of his life a very long time ago.
Thank the Sage Jiraiya is back in town. He’s been visiting a lot more often for some reason. Obito doesn’t trust the old geezer much, but he’s thankful that his presence works in his favor today.
It isn’t too hard to find Jiraiya. He’s lurking by the women’s bathhouse because of course he is. Obito feels like a creep for even being here, but he quietly approaches him anyway, popping out of Kamui and kneeling down behind him.
“Yo,” he whispers, and Jiraiya fucking screams. He nearly jumps three feet in the air, revealing the hole in the fence he was just staring into. The surrounding area goes a little quieter, and Obito considers that he should maybe pull Jiraiya back into Kamui for this conversation, but he’s here with one objective and one objective only and would rather not spend more time with the guy than needed.
Jiraiya takes a deep breath, his once-startled and tense stance going lax when he sees Obito’s face. “Sage, kid! You’ve really mastered the element of surprise. I couldn’t even sense you coming.
Yeah, Obito thinks, resisting the urge to roll his eye, that’s the benefit of having a pocket dimension.
“I know you write those pervy novels Kakashi likes so much,” Obito tells him, short and not-so-sweet but straight to the point. “So I’m only going to tell you this one time.”
Jiraiya goes through a rainbow of emotions — from impressed, to confused, to… crestfallen? He sighs, rubbing the back of his head. “Ah… so you finally figured it out. Was it that obvious?”
“Figued what out, exactly? The ads for your new book aren’t exactly discreet, they’re everywhere — fuck, I’m getting off track.” He gathers his thoughts and takes a deep breath. “Kakashi’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I need a copy of Icha Icha: Denial so I don’t show up empty-handed. Got any on you?”
There’s another range of emotions that Obito has to witness as Jiraiya snaps his open mouth shut, purses his lips, and furrows his eyebrows. His eyes widen after that, and his shoulders slump like he’s relieved or something. “Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Yeah — totally. I’ve got a couple laying around. How many do you need?”
“Just the one.” Obito really doesn’t want to read another trash novel written for smooth-brained perverts. He watches as Jiraiya winks, pulls out a storage scroll, and summons two copies anyway.
“3,000 ryo should cover the copy,” Jiraiya says, holding it out. “...Ooor, I could simply hand it over at zero-cost if you’re willing to do a tiny favor for me.”
At first, it sounds like a good idea. But the more Jiraiya explains it, the more Obito thinks he might be biting off more than he can chew.
Kakashi owes him big time for this.