Chapter Text
Bruce was gonna kill him. His first time taking Jay out on patrol, on what was meant to be an easy night, and the kid gets a face full of fear toxin not even an hour after they start. It’s a new strain too, one that doesn’t respond to any of the antidotes they carry. As he speeds back to the cave, Dick curses under his breath, one hand stretched over the Nightbird’s console, trying to hold a writhing Jason in place.
“Jason.” He says through his teeth, eyes fixed on the road as he weaves in and out of traffic, fingers circling the wheel in a white-knuckled grip. “Stop. You’re gonna hurt yourself. Come on, kid, you’ve got to try and calm down-”
“No, no, no!” Jason shrieks, still twisting frantically in his seat and pushing at Dick’s arm with shaking fingers. “Don’t touch me! Let go of me! LET GO! I don’t wanna! No, please! I don’t wanna!”
“Jason,” Dick snaps, “Listen to me - whatever it is you’re seeing, I promise you it’s not real. Okay? It’s just the fear toxin. Look, just take a breath-”
But the rest of his words are drowned out by a single, ear-piercing wail, and then Jason dissolves into loud, hitching sobs that make him sound like he’s choking. Dick curses again and slams his foot on the gas, desperate to get him back to Bruce. He may be a control freak and an asshole, but at the end of the day, he’s still Batman, and Batman always knows what to do. Batman will know how to save him. He’s gonna be fine. Dick just needs to get him back to the cave.
They’re nearly there when the comm suddenly chirps to life.
“Master Dick,” Alfred says primly over the line.
“Oh, hey, Alfie.” Dick grinds out, painfully twisting his arm to try and dodge one of Jason’s flailing elbows, “How’s it going?”
Alfred ignores him.
“Is everything alright, Sir?” He asks instead. “I wasn’t expecting you back for several hours, but according to the Nightbird’s tracker…” He trails off then, and the unmistakable sound of hysterical sobbing fills the air. “Is that Jason?”
“Yes.” Dick tells him, still fighting to keep Jason pinned against his seat. He’s at the edge of the city now, getting closer to the turn that will take him to the cave.
“What happened?”
“Fear toxin.” Dick grunts. “We got the wrong intel. There was…ambush. Antidote’s not working. Jason, stop .”
“Oh, dear.” Alfred sighs worriedly in his ear. “Poor boy. I’ll get the med bay ready.”
“Hurry.” Dick tells him. “We’re two minutes out.”
“Of course, Sir.”
Alfred’s waiting for them when they come to a screeching halt inside the cave a few minutes later, his expression tight with worry as he comes striding toward the car.
“Master Dick, I’m so relieved you’re back,” He greets, rolling up his sleeves in neat, crisp lines as Dick throws open the driver’s side door.
Jason’s wails instantly fill the cave, echoing off the stone walls and vaulted ceilings overhead. Alfred barely suppresses a wince at the sound, watching worriedly as Dick moves to wrangle a terrified Jason out of his seat. He can’t quite manage it a second time though, flinching sympathetically a moment later when Jason manages to land a solid hit to Dick’s nose.
“Are you alright?” He asks, reaching out to steady Dick when he jerks back, swearing loudly and clutching at his nose. “Is it broken?”
“No.” Dick snarls, his eyes watering as he gently probes his throbbing nose. “I think it’s fine. Just hurts like hell is all. Kid’s got a good right hook.”
“He’d be delighted to hear it.” Alfred says dryly as Dick readies himself to make another grab for Jason. “He and Master Bruce practiced it for hours. Do be careful, Master Dick.”
Dick grunts at Alfred in response, too preoccupied with trying to get a decent grip on Jason to offer him much else. They grapple with each other for a moment, Jason sobbing the entire time, and eventually, after nearly getting bit in the process, Dick finally manages to grab him. He pulls Jason from the car as carefully as he can, but despite his best efforts, Jason still manages to smack his head against the doorframe on his way out. The boy shrieks, but Dick fairly certain he’s more startled than actually hurt, and he uses the confusion to tug Jay even further into his arms.
“Is he alright?” Alfred asks him, stepping forward. He has his hands outstretched and his face is crumpled with concern. “Is he bleeding?”
“No.” Dick pants, half-dragging, half-carrying Jay across the cave and over to the med bay. Jason fights him the entire way. “He’s fine.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Master Dick.” Alfred sniffs, bending down to get Jay’s legs as Dick hauls him up onto the bed. “But then again, I’ve learned you boys have very different ideas of what constitutes ‘fine’ compared to what the rest of us do.”
“Ha, ha.” Dick says humorlessly, still panting as he pins Jay to the bed. Jason scrabbles at his hands, trying to break his hold, but between the fear toxin that’s still circulating in his bloodstream and his no doubt rising panic, the movement is sloppy, slow, and more than a little sad. It doesn’t take long for Alfred to slip the medical restraints around his wrists and ankles, though Jason barely seems to notice. He cowers on the mattress, eyes wide and locked on something they can’t see, his shaking fists clenched tightly at his sides.
“N-no!” He whimpers, trying desperately to curl into a ball. “No, Sonny - Sonny, listen to me! I don’t have it, okay? I swear I don’t have it! Please, you have to believe me! No!”
It’s enough to give Dick pause. Who’s Sonny? And why is Jason so scared of him? Is he some kid at school who’s been giving Jason a hard time? While Jason doesn’t seem like the type to be intimidated by anyone, Dick also remembers what it was like being the new kid in a school as exclusive as Gotham Academy, and how hard it was trying to fit in there. He can only imagine what Jason must be going through as a kid from Crime Alley, the kinds of things he must hear. Sonny’s probably some bored, trust fund baby who thinks that Jason is an easy target he can push around. Maybe he’s older, or bigger than Jason is, someone Jason can’t ignore or doesn't think he can confront…
But then again, maybe not. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe Sonny is someone that Jason knew before Bruce took him in? It hits him then, just how much he doesn’t know about Jason’s life before them, and there’s something in the younger boy’s tone that makes Dick wonder if there’s a reason Bruce has been so tight-lipped about it on the few occasions that he’s thought to ask. Dick leans forward over the rails of the bed, concern bubbling up inside him as he takes in Jason’s tear-stained face, trying to catch his eye.
“Jay.” He says, voice soft as he gently cups Jay’s cheek. Jason flinches, and Dick tries not to take it personally. “Hey. It’s alright. Sonny isn’t here. You’re with me and Alfred in the cave. You’re safe. We’re gonna take care of you. You’re gonna be okay.”
Jason gives no indication he can hear him. He just continues to stare at something over Dick’s shoulder, whimpering as he tugs weakly at his restraints. Dick sighs, then glances over at Alfred.
“Did you call Bruce?”
“Of course, Sir.” Alfred tells him, slipping on a pair of blue nitrile gloves. “He’s on his way now. In fact, I’m shocked he isn’t here already.”
Dick nods, swallowing thickly. The last thing he wants right now is to deal with Bruce’s bullshit, to explain to him exactly how his precious baby boy has gotten hurt under his watch, and why Bruce should ever trust him with literally anything ever again. He doesn’t need the lecture detailing all the different ways he’s failed, and how disappointed Bruce is with him. He’s heard it all a dozen times before. He doesn’t need to hear it again, and he certainly doesn’t need another screaming match that ends with one of them (probably Dick) storming out and neither of them talking to each other for a month. He knows it will, though. It always does. And Dick would rather just leave now than stay when it will make things so much worse…
But he can’t just leave. Not when it’s his fault Jay’s hurt and not when he still needs him. He has to stay. He has to try and make this right. For Jason’s sake. He can suck it up and deal with Bruce for just one night. He can be mature about this. He can put all personal feelings and past issues with Bruce aside for a couple of hours if that’s what Jason needs.
He just hopes that Bruce can do the same.
He tries not to think about it too much as he helps to get Jay settled for the night. While Alfred gathers the equipment that he needs to do a blood draw, Dick focuses more on keeping Jay comfortable. He takes off his boots and gloves and cape, and then he gets to work on Jay’s mask. It isn’t easy - the adhesive that they use to hold their masks in place is strong, and even with the solvent Bruce developed to dissolve it, getting them to come off is always a bit of a challenge. Getting one off of a squirming, less-than-lucid kid who’s scared out of his mind is almost impossible. Jason sobs, tossing his head frantically against his pillow as Dick tries to gently pull him free.
“Shh,” He murmurs softly, swiping at the edges of Jay’s mask. “Shhh. It’s okay, Jay. You’re okay. I’m just trying to get the mask off, that’s all-”
“No! Don’t touch me!” Jason shrieks, his eyes screwed tightly shut and an odd, hysterical edge to his tone as he turns his head away. “Don’t touch me! Stop it! I said no!”
“Jay, it’s alright.” Dick croaks, swallowing down bile that’s risen halfway up his throat. “You’re alright. Look at me, kiddo, we’re almost done…there! Got it. That’s got to feel better, huh, Jay?”
Jason doesn’t answer him. He just continues to sob, chest rising and falling in rapid succession, like he can’t get enough air. His eyes are rimmed red, and whether it’s from the crying or the glue is really hard to say. Dick watches helplessly, not sure what to do or how to calm him down. He risks a glance at Alfred, and sees him coming toward them with a tray.
“Now, now, Master Jason.” He says kindly, setting the tray down on a rolling stand beside the bed. “No need to fuss. You’re quite alright, lad.”
Jason would hate the way they’re talking to him right now, as if he’s something small and fragile. In fact, if he were in his right mind, Dick’s fairly certain he’d be furious, spitting curses and telling them to stop. But at the moment, all he can manage is a wet hiccup, shying nervously away from Alfred’s careful hands.
“N-no!” He whines, flinching back when Alfred tries to check his pulse. “No!”
“Shh-shh-shhh.” Alfred murmurs, still struggling to find the little flutter of movement hiding under Jason’s skin. “Easy now, Master Jason. You’re alright. I’m going to hurt you, lad, I’m just trying to find-”
“ No !” Jason shrieks, wrenching his arm as far away from Alfred as the restraints will allow. “Get away from me!”
Alfred heaves a sigh.
“I may require your assistance with this, Master Dick.” He says, his voice low, as he’s trying not to startle Jason any more than he already is.
“What do you need, Alfred?” Dick asks, quickly stepping forward.
“I can’t get the blood sample we’ll need for the antidote. Not with Master Jason moving like this and certainly not without causing him unnecessary harm.”
Dick hesitates, feeling slightly sick. “You want me to hold him down?” He asks, though it’s really more of a statement than it is a question.
“Carefully.” Alfred says, leveling him a stern look over the tops of his reading glasses. “I don’t want to risk upsetting the poor boy any further.”
Dick nods, a little sheepishly, and steps closer to the bed, reaching out to steady Jason’s arm. The problem, though, is that it soon becomes clear that it’s a lot easier said than done. Dick can’t find a single place to stand without somehow getting in the way. Can’t find any angle that allows him a decent enough grip on Jay to keep him in place. Even moving to the opposite side of the bed doesn’t help - it just forces Dick to lean uncomfortably far over the railing, only to find himself still struggling to hold Jay down without blocking Alfred’s view.
“This isn’t working.” Dick growls, straightening abruptly with a swear. He ignores Alfred’s pointed glare, eyes raking up and down the bed, his thoughts racing, trying to find what he’s missed and what their next move should be. A flash of red poking out from under the bed catches his attention, and Dick frowns, staring down at the little lever that locks the rails in place...
He grabs it before he can convince himself it’s a bad idea.
“Master Dick?” Alfred asks, alarmed, as Dick folds the railing down.
“Just…let me try something.” Dick says, climbing up onto the bed. “Hey, Jay.”
Jay, predictably, does not appreciate this new development in the slightest.
“N-no!” He whimpers, flinching back as Dick settles down beside him. “No, no, please! Please, don’t touch me! I’ll be good! I promise I’ll be good!”
“Shh. It’s okay, Little Wing.” Dick all but coos, reaching down to unbuckle the restraints around his wrists. “It’s okay. You’re safe. Alfred, can you get his feet?” He waits until Alfred has released the buckles on Jay’s ankles, then draws him close, pulling Jason in so that he’s slotted comfortably against his side, his head pillowed on Dick’s chest. “Shh.” He says, leaning down to whisper softly in Jay’s ear. “It’s okay. Big brother’s here now. I’m not gonna let anything hurt you, Jay. You understand?”
“NO!” Jason wails, squirming weakly in his hold. “No, no, no!”
Dick bites back a sigh.
“Alfred.” He murmurs instead, hugging Jason to him tighter before maneuvering one of his arms free. “Let’s hurry up and get that sample. Poor kid’s suffered enough.”
“Indeed.” Alfred agrees, taking Jason’s arm and turning it carefully over. Jason tries to tug it back, but wrapped in Dick’s arms, he doesn’t get very far. A terrified sob comes spilling from his mouth. “Now, now, Master Jason.” Alfred soothes as he soaks a cotton ball with disinfectant. “It’s alright. I promise I’ll be gentle. You won’t feel a thing, dear boy.”
“No! Please! I don’t want it! I don’t want it!”
Alfred’s just about to slip the needle under Jason’s skin when the familiar roar of the Batmobile suddenly fills the cave. Dick looks up in time to see it swerve to a stop beside the Nightbird, door flying open a mere second later.
“Where is he?!”
Dick tries not to stiffen at his tone, even as Jason whimpers at it, burying his face in the crook of Dick’s armpit. He’s not mad , He has to remind himself, hugging Jason tight. He’s just worried - Bruce always sounds mad when he’s worried . This isn’t a fight, and telling Bruce to calm down and shut up isn’t going to solve anything .
Alfred, for his part, has no such qualms, and meets Bruce’s storm of emotions with his usual, unflappable calm.
“Master Bruce.” He says, turning towards him with a frown. “Need I remind you that we have a very frightened child under the influence of fear toxin on our hands?”
“A little hard for me to forget, Alfred.” Bruce growls, moving swiftly closer.
“Then I’m sure you would agree,” Alfred continues, raising a single, disapproving eyebrow. “That now is hardly the time for any unnecessary yelling, Master Bruce.”
Bruce stops in his tracks, properly cowed, the hard line of his mouth faltering. Propped against the gurney, Dick can’t help but smirk. Good old Alfred, always ready to put Bruce in his place, always willing to inform him when he’s being stupid with just a single word or glance. Dick really doesn’t know what they’d do without him.
Across the med bay, Bruce gives a single, stiff nod. “No. Of course you’re right, Alfred. I’m sorry.” He forces himself to take breath, a faint inhale so slight Dick almost misses it entirely. “How’s he doing?” Bruce then asks, softer now but no less anxious than he was before. “Have you gotten a blood sample from him yet? Do you need me to help?”
“We were just about to.” Alfred says before turning back toward Jason. “And no, I don’t think so, Sir. Master Dick is doing an excellent job holding Master Jason for me. But if you wouldn’t mind getting the chromatograph and spectrometers ready, we can get the chemical analysis-”
“Shhh. It’s okay, Jay.” Dick murmurs quietly in Jason’s ear as Bruce and Alfred talk. “It’s okay. Look, B’s here. He’s gonna make everything better now, I promise. He’s right there, Jay. Look. ”
He isn’t really expecting Jason to respond - usually, a person under the effects of fear toxin is so hopelessly trapped inside the nightmare hallucinations of the drug that they barely respond to anything else, much less external stimuli. But to his surprise, Jason lifts his head, turning bleary eyes in time to see Bruce come striding forward, his face half hidden under the cowl and cape billowing out behind him.
Jason takes one look at him and lets out a single, bloodcurdling scream that makes Bruce and Alfred jump and Dick’s hair stand straight on end.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Jason!” All three shout at once, each scrambling to reach him, to try and calm him down. Dick manages to grab him even as Jay thrashes, but before he has the chance to tuck him back against the safety of his side, Jay catches sight of Bruce, surging toward them with his arms outstretched.
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Jay screams again, and Dick can’t help but wince, his eardrums ringing. Bruce is beside them in an instant, looking frantic, like he wants nothing more than to rip Jay out of Dick’s arms and scoop him into his own. Dick thinks that’s probably what he would have done, if Jay hadn’t jerked away from him the moment that his fingers brushed against him.
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Dicks swears as Jason thrashes.
“Bruce, for God’s sake, take a hint and back the fuck up!” He barks, pushing Jason’s head back down against his chest and forcing him to look away. “And while you’re at it, take that damn mask off! Can’t you see you’re scaring him?!”
For the briefest moment, Bruce hesitates, watching Jason as he sobs, but then slowly, miraculously, does as Dick commands and backs away. Dick waits until he’s retreated to a safe distance and then turns back to Jason.
“Jay.” He says, trying to ignore the weight of Bruce’s watchful eyes as he hugs his brother close. Rocks him gently back and forth.“It’s alright. You’re alright. Shh. Just calm down. You need to try and calm down, Little Wing. Come on. Shh.”
It takes a while, but eventually, Jay’s sobs die down to whimpers. It’s only then that Dick slowly settles back against the gurney, still clutching Jason to him tightly. He motions for Alfred, shifting Jason just enough so that his arm’s in easy reach, and holds his breath as Alfred slips the needle underneath his skin, but Jason doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t seem to know he’s there at all. He just lies there, weakly shaking, as Alfred fills a couple vials with his blood.
“There we are, Master Jason.” Alfred murmurs softly when he finally pulls the needle free. “It’s alright. We’ll have you feeling better shortly, dear boy. In the meantime, you just rest. Master Bruce.” He then says, holding out the vials he’s collected. “If you would.”
Bruce seems reluctant to come any closer. His eyes dart from Alfred to Jason, where he lies panting on Dick’s chest, and it’s only when Jason doesn’t protest (or acknowledge his presence at all) that he takes a tentative step forward.
“Here you are, Master Bruce.”
“Thank you, Alfred.”
“Of course, Sir.” Alfred says, nodding solemnly. He waits until Bruce has settled himself in front of the BatComputer before turning back to Dick and Jason, his expression softening. “Now, then.” He says. “It’s going to be at least an hour before the antidote is ready. We might as well get you boys comfortable for the night.”
+++
It’s several hours later that Bruce finally finishes the antidote. Alfred has managed to change Jason out of his uniform and into his pajamas, despite nearly getting bit several times in the process. He’s calmer now, tucked under the blanket Alfred has draped over them, quietly sniffling in Dick’s arms. Dick is dozing, caught somewhere between wakefulness and sleep when Bruce comes up beside him.
“Oh. Hey.” Dick mumbles, rubbing at his eyes as he asks around a yawn, “Is it done?”
“Hmm.” Bruce nods, looking worriedly at Jason. “How’s he doing?”
Dick glances down. Jason’s red-rimmed eyes are half-open and unfocused, staring dazedly at nothing. He’s shaking slightly as he clings to Dick, his face pale and sweaty. Alfred has managed to hook him up to fluids and a heart monitor, which logs a steady, though decidedly elevated, rhythm on the screen.
Dick shrugs.
“As well as you would expect someone on fear toxin to be.” He says, a little flippantly as he shifts against the bed.
He doesn’t mean to be so impatient, but he’s tired, grumpy, uncomfortably stiff and squeezed. His arm is starting to tingle under Jason’s weight. The rails of the bed are pressed against the knobs of his spine, hard enough to bruise. And no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t seem to get comfortable, not with Jay lying on him and not without risking another round of those awful, choking sobs. Alfred is hovering nearby, doing everything he can to try and help, but there’s only so much he can do. In fact, right now, the only one who can do anything is Bruce, and he seems more concerned with asking stupid questions than actually helping.
Luckily, Bruce takes the hint. He nods again, his face blank, and holds out his hand. “Can you give me his arm?”
Dick does as he asks, and carefully fishes Jay’s arm out from the tangle of blankets. Alfred moves closer, no doubt to assist him should he need it, but Jay’s only form of protest is a small, pathetic whine at the movement. He doesn’t fight as Dick passes him over to Bruce, and seems completely unaware of the tension in the room as Bruce slowly lifts his arm.
“M-mom.” He whimpers as Bruce injects the antidote into his IV port. “Mom…Mommy! Mom, please wake up!”
Dick frowns. It’s the first semi-coherent thing Jay’s said in hours, and the first thing that he’s ever said about his mother. It hits him for the second time that night, just how much he doesn’t know about Jason and his life before them. About the circumstances that surround Jay’s being here there, or what happened the night Bruce took him in. Just where are Jason’s parents? And what happened to his mother? Nothing good, he’d guess. Bruce clearly knows - above them, his mouth is a hard line, jaw clenched so tight Dick’s surprised he doesn’t crack a tooth - and clearly, Alfred does as well, if his pained expression is anything to go by. Dick wants to ask, but he knows now’s not the time. So instead, he stays quiet, watching as Jay slumps against his side. His eyes slip shut a moment later, and his heart rate finally starts to slow.
Bruce heaves a small sigh of relief.
“It might be a while before he wakes up.” He tells Dick, his voice soft. He shuffles closer to the bed, his arms outstretched. “Here. I can take him-”
“No.” Dick quickly interjects, curling protectively around Jason’s small, limp form. “It’s alright, Bruce. I’ve got him.”
Bruce blinks at him, surprised. “Are you sure?” He asks. “I know you must be tired.”
Dick looks down at Jason, sleeping peacefully for the first time in hours. He studies him, this kid he barely knows and didn’t want, but still has all the same. They’re not close, they have almost nothing in common, and yet, they’re bound to one another in a way they can’t ignore or replicate with anyone else. It’s an odd thing, and his feelings toward Jason are complicated - most days they oscillate wildly between fierce jealousy and vague affection, depending almost entirely on where he stands with Bruce at any particular moment. More often than not, he resents Jason. Not because of anything he did, but because of what he represents, because he still worships Bruce the way Dick no longer can. It’s annoying. He’s annoying.
But right now, he’s just a hurt, scared kid who Dick needed to protect and failed.
He’s failed him once already tonight. He’s not going to fail him again.
“No. It’s fine.” Dick says, pulling Jay in close. He holds him the same way his mom once held him whenever he was sad or hurt or scared. “Poor kid needs some sleep. And besides, he’s comfortable where he is.”
From the corner of his eye, Dick can see Bruce and Alfred sharing a look with one another. He pretends not to notice as he gently nuzzles Jason’s head.
“Alright.” Bruce says a moment later, after carefully schooling his expression in something more neutral. He keeps his tone light as he reaches out and tugs the blanket over them. “Get some rest, chum.” He says, tucking them in. “You’ve earned it.”
Dick nods, snuggling down beneath the warmth. His eyelids droop shut as he listens to Alfred putter quietly beside them, disconnecting Jay’s heart monitor and IV line. Distantly, he hears Bruce settling himself somewhere nearby, no doubt determined to keep watch, and Dick can’t help but smile at the thought.
He’s asleep within minutes.
+++
When Dick wakes up again, he can tell he hasn’t been asleep for very long. His thoughts are jumbled and his eyes are painfully dry. He has a headache building behind his eyes - sharp and pounding and impossible to ignore. Dick blinks hazily at the shadowy ceiling of the cave, wondering what woke him, when something shifts against his side. Dick jerks back, startled, his every instinct screaming at him to get back, to get away, but before he can get too far, a very faint, very young-sounding noise stops him in his tracks. Dick looks down, and finds Jason wedged between him and the railing. Dick blinks, and it all comes rushing back - the warehouse, the fear toxin, the mad dash through Gotham, everything. He settles hesitantly back against the pillow, watching Jason’s face for any sign that something might be wrong.
“Jay?” He murmurs, nudging at him. “You with us?”
Jason doesn’t answer him. He only groans, his eyelids fluttering. Dick turns his head and sees Bruce sleeping in a chair beside them.
“B.” He calls softly. “Hey, B, wake up.”
Bruce inhales sharply through his nose, turning his head to meet Dick’s gaze with his own half-lidded one.
Dick nods down at Jason. “He’s waking up.”
Bruce is awake and on his feet in an instant, leaning over the railing of the bed.
“Jaylad?” He says, voice barely more than a whisper as he begins to gently rub Jay’s back. “Are you awake, sweetheart?”
Jason groans again, and then finally opens his eyes. For a moment, he looks confused, staring up at Dick with a frown. Then he blinks, and his expression sharpens, eyes going wide with fear.
“What the-” He gasps, pushing Dick away. “Get off!”
Dick can’t help but gasp when Jason shoves him back into the railing of the bed. “Ahh! Hey!”
“Get off , Dickface!”
“Easy.” Bruce quickly interjects, his voice gruff, reaching out to steady Jason when he tries to scramble back. “You’re alright, Jaylad. Just calm down.”
Jason looks up at him. Dick sees something like relief flash briefly across his face before he suddenly scowls.
“Tell him to get off.” Jason says. For how forceful the words are, there’s something shaky in his tone. “You said you would never let anyone touch me again if I didn’t want them to. You promised.”
Bruce clearly bites back a sigh and releases the railings locks. He catches Jason as he tumbles back, ignoring Jason’s wince.
“Dick wasn’t trying to hurt you, Jason.” He says, setting Jason on his feet. “He was just trying to help. You were hit with fear toxin. Remember?”
“I know I was!” Jason snaps. He sounds shrill, hysterical. The high pitch is grating on Dick’s nerves. It makes his headache worse. “I know what happened! And don’t try and act like I owe Dick anything! It’s his fault I got hit in the first place!”
“Oh, hey, Jay, it’s nice to see you too. I’m so glad you’re feeling better.” Dick snaps, rolling his eyes as he swings his feet over the side of the bed. “Don’t worry about thanking me, by the way. You can do that when you’re feeling better.”
Jason whirls on him in an instant, his shoulders hunched, his face snarling.
“Thank you?!” He spits. “Thank you for what? Nearly getting me killed?!”
“Jason, that’s not what happened and you know it-” Bruce begins before Dick cuts him off.
“How about saving your ass?” He snaps, rising to his feet. He towers over Jason, who cowers back from him at first, but then straightens up, mouth defiantly set. “Did you ever think of that, you little shit?”
“Master Dick.” Alfred calls disapprovingly from where he stands across the med bay, a silver tray balanced in his arms. “Language, please.”
“ No , I didn’t think of that, because my brain was too busy being boiled alive by fear toxin! And who’s fault is that again? Oh, right! Yours!” Jason snarls back, his tone mocking. “Great job, by the way, listening to Bruce. He told you to be careful, but you didn’t listen! Just like you never listen!”
Dick bristles. He knows that arguing is stupid, even childish. That he shouldn’t escalate this any further - Bruce has warned him Jason gets defensive when he’s scared. That he lashes out when he feels cornered. That when he gets like this, it’s best to just stay calm. Dick knows all that, he knows , but he can’t help it. He’s tired. He’s still angry over everything with Bruce and Robin. His head hurts and his patience is wearing dangerously thin.
“Well, at least I didn't bring a cracked rebreather on patrol like an idiot .” He argues back, matching Jason’s mocking tone. “Did Bruce not cover basic safety with you? Or were you just not listening to him?”
“Boys, please-” Bruce starts, sounding tired, but the words are quickly drowned beneath their swiftly rising voices.
“Well, at least I’m not a fucking hypocrite like you!”
“Jason-”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“It means that you talk a big game, acting like you don’t need Bruce and you’re so much better than him, but the truth is, you’d be nothing if it weren’t for him and you know it! No wonder Bruce fired you!”
Dick seethes. He barely hears Bruce telling Jason that he’s out of line.
“Oh, please.” He says, rolling his eyes. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“I do so!”
“Boys!”
“No, you don’t! You don’t know anything! You think Bruce is great, that he has all the answers, well, trust me on this, kid, he doesn’t! Bruce is full of shit. He doesn’t care about you! He doesn’t care about anything except the mission! And one day, you’re gonna find that out for yourself in the worst possible way. He’s gonna disappoint you, Jay, and when he does, don’t come crying to me!”
“Master Dick, that’s quite enough-” Alfred begins, frowning at him, before Jason cuts him off.
“At least I don’t go crying to Bruce the second things go wrong, Dickface!” Jason screams, his hands balled into fists. “It’s pathetic! You’re pathetic! And I bet if you were the one who got hit with fear toxin tonight, you would have begged for him the same way that you always do!”
For a moment, Dick can’t speak. He’s mute with rage, shaking where he stands. Jason takes his silence as proof he’s won, and smirks at Dick so smugly that something in him snaps. Something hateful, something vicious , something he’s been battling since the night his parents died.
His lip curls into a sneer.
“Oh, yeah? You think I’m pathetic?” He says, stalking closer, meanness dripping off his tongue. “I’m nowhere near pathetic as you, kid, let me tell ya. At least I’m not so scared of being nothing that I’m willing to just go along with whatever Bruce tells me. At least I’m my own person. Without Bruce and Robin, what are you?” He leans down close to Jason’s face, and feels a stab of cruel satisfaction when he sees that Jason’s eyes are wet with unshed tears. “And at least when I get hit with fear toxin,” He says slowly, making sure his words hit home, “I don’t go crying for my mommy .”
“Dick!” Bruce snaps as Jason gasps, eyes wide.
“You suck!” He screams, shoving Dick before he turns and runs away, slipping past Alfred and disappearing up the stairs to the manor.
“Jason!” Bruce shouts, shooting Dick a single, furious look before he goes sprinting after him across the cave. “Jason!”
In the ringing silence that follows, Dick stands tense and panting as if he’s just run a mile. He can feel his heart pounding, the intoxicating rush of adrenaline and triumph swirling in his veins, and he grins, knowing that he’s won, he’s won…
But then Alfred clears his throat behind him. Dick blinks, and then comes crashing abruptly back to earth. Overwhelming shame washes over him. Oh, God, he’d forgotten Alfred was there. He’d heard what he said. He’s seen what he’d done…
“Needless to say,” Alfred informs him, in a clipped tone that makes Dick wince. “That was completely unnecessary, Master Dick.”
Dick glances over at him. “I take it you’re mad at me too, Alfie?” He asks it lightly, like he doesn’t care what Alfred has to say, but truthfully, he’s terrified to know.
“Not mad, Master Dick.” Alfred corrects him, gathering up the teacups and plate of neatly arranged shortbread that he’s laid upon the counter. “Just disappointed.”
Dick chuckles mirthlessly. “Seems like that’s all I’m capable of these days, Alfred.” He mutters. “I’m always disappointing somebody. No wonder Bruce thinks that I’m a lost cause.”
“Master Bruce,” Alfred says firmly. “Does not think that you’re a lost cause, Master Dick. And nor do I. I know a lost cause when I see one, and you are not that.”
“Well, maybe you’re wrong.”
“I assure you, dear boy, I am not. I know what you’re capable of, the potential that you have. It is precisely for that reason that I’m so disappointed in you.”
He turns at last to look at Dick, his expression stern.
“I know that you have suffered tremendous loss in your young life, Master Dick. I have seen your pain. I’ve watched you grow and become the man you are today. In some ways, I could not be more proud of you if I tried.” He pauses, then heaves a tiny sigh. “But the way you treat Master Jason,” He continues softly. “It diminishes you, Master Dick. It makes you something less than what you are.”
He finishes gathering the last of the tea set on his silver tray and lifts it smoothly up into his arms. He looks old and sad when he glances back at Dick.
“‘All cruelty springs from weakness’, Master Dick.” He intones. “And you are anything but weak. In fact, you are one of the strongest people I know. I only wish that you could see it too.”
Dick swallows thickly. “You always thought too highly of me, Alfred.” He jokes weakly.
“On the contrary, Sir. I have only always held you in the utmost realistic regard.” As he turns away, he calls over his shoulder. “You should apologize to Master Jason. I know that he can sometimes come across as quite prickly, but all he wants is to be loved. He admires you very much, Master Dick. Your acceptance would mean the world to him, if only he had it. And who knows - perhaps in offering, you might gain something for yourself as well.”
“Like what, Alfred?” Dick asks him sullenly, “A reminder of everything I no longer have?”
“Perhaps nothing at all. Or perhaps everything. A friend. A comrade. A brother. Someone who understands what you’re going through. Someone you can talk to about the things you can’t talk about with anyone else. You have no way of knowing, Master Dick, unless you try.”
Dick nods, listening to the sound of Alfred’s fading footsteps as he ascends the staircase to the manor. “Good night, Alfred.”
“Good night, Sir.”
Dick waits until he no longer hears him, then sinks into the chair that Bruce has vacated, his shoulders slumping as he buries his face in his hands.
He knows he should apologize. He knows that what he did was wrong, and that he messed up. He’s supposed to be better than this, this thing that he's become and doesn’t recognize. He doesn’t want to be this person. He doesn’t want to be this angry all the time. He just…is. And what’s worse, he doesn’t know how to fix it. He’s tried. He’s tried to be better. He’s tried to tell himself each time that this time will be different, that this time, he and Bruce will reach an understanding, but in the end, they never do.
He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know, he just…he just wishes things were better. He likes his independence, but he has to admit it comes at a price. It can be lonely, scary. Sometimes, he just misses Bruce. And Alfred. And the manor. Hell, sometimes, he even misses Jason, and he barely knows him.
He wants to. He wants for things to be okay between them. He wants things with Bruce to be better. He wants people who will be there for him no matter what, people he can count on when he needs to, people he can love.
But he supposes he has no hope of having any of that if he doesn’t try.
With a sigh, Dick pushes himself back to his feet and drags himself reluctantly after Alfred up the stairs. It’s late, or very early, depending on how you look at it. The manor is cold and draped in thick swathes of darkness. It doesn’t matter - Dick knows every inch of it by heart. He slips silently through the twisting hallways and up the staircase to the second floor, thinking Jason must be in his room and debating what to say once he makes it there. But as he approaches the south wing, Dick sees a faint light in the distance, coming from the cracked door of the library. His feet slow, and for a moment he stands there, frowning at it, before he cautiously creeps forward.
It’s only once he’s right outside the door that he can hear someone crying inside. Concerned, and more than a little guilty, Dick moves to grab the handle, but before he can, he catches sight of Bruce on the couch with Jason in his arms. Dick stops, sucking in a breath as he cranes his head for a better look, watching as Jay sobs against Bruce’s shoulder.
“Shh.” He hears him murmur softly. “Easy, Jaylad. It’s alright.”
“I hate him!”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do!” Jason chokes out hatefully. “I hate him, Bruce! I hate him!” There’s a slight pause, and Dick feels his stomach sink, convinced that Jason means absolutely what he says. But then he hears Jay inhale a shaky breath before he sniffles. “How…how come he hates me, Bruce? What did I do wrong?”
It’s like a punch to the gut, and Dick starts, shocked that Jay could ever think that.
Well.
Maybe Dick wasn’t the nicest guy to him. But still, that doesn’t mean he hates him!
Dick moves to grab the handle again, but before he can, Bruce stops him.
“Jason,” He hears Bruce say. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He shifts a little, so that Jason is settled more comfortably in his arms. “The way Dick treats you,” He tells him, sounding sad. “It has nothing to do with you.”
“Then how come he’s so angry with me?”
“He’s not angry with you. He’s angry with me.”
“But why?”
“Because…” Bruce hesitates, searching for the words to best explain it. “Because it’s hard for me to accept the fact he’s growing up. Because I want to protect him, and Dick thinks that means that I don’t trust him.”
“That’s dumb.” Jason snaps. “ He’s dumb.”
Bruce snorts, hugging Jason tight. “No, he’s not.” He scolds him gently. “What Dick’s going through…it’s very difficult for him. It’s confusing and frustrating, and probably a little scary. And one day, you’ll understand that. One day, you’ll go through the exact same thing he’s going through right now.”
“No, I won’t!” Jason declares hotly. “I won’t ever fight with you or Alfred! I won’t ever try to hurt you the way he does! You don’t hurt people you love!”
“Hopefully you won’t,” Bruce tells him. “But, unfortunately, the people we love most are also usually the ones we hurt the most. Whether we mean to or not.” He’s quiet for a moment, considering, then nudges Jason playfully. “Just give Dick time.” He says. “He’ll come around. One day soon, I think you’ll be the best of friends.”
“I don’t want to be friends with Dick.” Jason whines, wiping at his eyes. “He’s a dick!”
“Well.” Bruce says, his mouth spasming, like he’s trying not to laugh. “Maybe one day you’ll change your mind. Maybe one day, you’ll find yourself exactly where Dick is now, and he’ll be the only one who understands what you’re going through.”
“Hmph. Doubt it.”
“Hmm.” Bruce hums, his eyes soft as he gently strokes Jay’s hair. Dick watches, his throat tight and eyes prickling, as Jason’s eyes begin to droop, his head slumping on Bruce’s chest. Bruce waits until he’s on the edge of sleep, then carefully lifts him in his arms. “Come on, Jaylad.” He murmurs, turning towards the door. “I think it’s time for bed.”
Dick scrambles back, retreating quickly to the shadows. He doesn’t wait. He doesn’t linger. He doesn’t give himself the chance of getting caught. Instead, he doubles back the way he came, heart rabbitting in his chest. He takes the stairs two at a time and avoids all the loose and squeaky floorboards on the way. He slips back into the cave, where the Nightbird sits waiting.
He leaves without a word to anyone and doesn’t come back for a very long time.
Because in that moment, he’s too ashamed of himself and what he’s done to even consider facing Bruce or Jason. He knows that he’s a coward, and he hates himself for it. But he just can’t do it. Not tonight. Not when everything’s so raw.
So he leaves.
He tells himself it’s fine, that he has time to make it right. That someday, he’ll make it right. Just not today. And at the time, he truly believes it.
If he had known then just how long it would be before he saw them again, then maybe things would be different. If he had known then that that would be the last time he saw Jason alive, then maybe he would have stayed.
But he didn’t.
So he doesn’t.
And Dick just has to learn to live with that.