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Standing over Sirius’ bed, Remus hesitated. In his hands were a small red envelope and a box of chocolates. For the past couple of weeks he constantly went from “it’s a fantastic idea” to “this is the most stupid idea ever”, and it was driving him insane. Finally, he decided that the risk wasn’t so bad – his name wasn’t on the letter, he didn’t use his handwriting in it, there was no possible way for Sirius to find out. Finally, he placed the envelope and the chocolates on Sirius’ pillow and walked out of the room, pretending he had nothing to do with it.
“I don’t understand,” James complained as they all walked into the room later that day, “why wouldn’t she see that I’m the best? How can I prove myself any more than I already have? What else can I do for her?”
“Perhaps if you stop pranking all of her friends,” Remus suggested, trying to sound casual as he watched Sirius approach his bed.
“You can’t tell the fish not to swim,” James sighed in frustration, “I can’t just give up my – what is that, Padfoot? You’ve got mail?”
Sirius found the surprise on his bed and examined the envelope. He tore it open and took out the letter as everyone else stared at him questioningly.
“I’ve got a secret admirer,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “again.”
“Again?” Remus asked, confused and a little disappointed.
“Well there was this crazy girl in fourth year, Beth. Almost drove me mad with her cheesy poems and the perfumed articles of her clothing she left for me. Now I have another one.”
“This is some quality chocolate,” said James, who was already by Sirius’ bed, examining the goods, “I don’t care if that girl is crazy, at least you get sweets.”
“Careful,” said Peter, “it might be poisoned. Or worse, what if she used a love potion or something?”
James stared at Peter for a long moment, then he shoved one of the chocolates into his mouth. “Worth it,” he said.
“What does the letter say?” Remus asked, his heart beating fast.
“Some rubbish about true love in plain sight,” said Sirius as he crumpled the letter into a small ball and threw it aside, “I hope she’ll get more creative than that. I’d rather have a crazy fan than a boring one.”
Remus felt crushed. Every doubt he had before returned and overwhelmed him now – Sirius thought it was stupid, and he criticized Remus for being boring without knowing it. He didn’t even try the chocolate, James and Peter finished it all (suddenly not caring about poisoning anymore) before Sirius even considered tasting it. Disappointed and slightly embarrassed, Remus decided to never try that again.
But he did. A couple of weeks later Sirius forgot all about his secret admirer, and so did the others. They were all in Hogsmeade, spending a pleasant day together. Zonko’s had a new collection of joke items, and it was rather impossible to get inside with all of the students trying to get their hands on everything new.
“I can’t believe they’re already out of exploding quills,” Sirius sighed, “I really wanted one. I wanted to get back at Billy Colin for that time he spilled tea all over my homework.”
“He didn’t do it on purpose,” said Peter.
“He laughed! And I got in trouble because of him, that wanker. I wanted to see this quill explode in his face so bad. Oh well.”
That gave Remus the idea. Sirius did say that his admirer should get more creative, didn’t he?
After some bargaining with a third-year student who was lucky enough to get one of the exploding quills, and after paying twice as much as the quill cost originally, Remus finally got it and placed it on Sirius’ pillow with another red envelope.
This time, Sirius was much more excited to find his little present. “I can’t believe it!” he exclaimed, “this girl reads my mind, she got me the exploding quill! Billy Colin better watch his quills very closely now.”
“Huh,” James seemed a lot less excited than he was about the chocolates, “how does she even know that this is your bed? Do you think this girl comes here at night to watch you sleep?”
Sirius grimaced. “Creepy,” he said, “but you know, those secret admirer type of girls are always a bit crazy. How did she know that this is the thing I wanted the most from Zonko’s? And how did she know that I couldn’t get it myself?”
“What does the letter say this time?” Remus dared to ask.
“It just says ‘don’t underestimate me’,” said Sirius, “is that a threat? It sounds like a threat.”
“Better sleep with your wand under your pillow,” said James, “you never know who might crawl under the covers to cuddle with you in the middle of the night.”
Sirius shuddered, “I need to find out who this admirer girl is.”
“How do you know it’s a girl?” Peter asked, “it could be a bloke.”
“Are you implying that this is from you, Wormtail? Because it makes sense and I forgive you if so.”
“No!” Peter seemed a little offended, “I mean, you’ve been hit on by guys before, right?”
“What if it’s from Snivellus?” James snorted with laughter, “that would be priceless.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, “can we take this more seriously, please? This is obviously from some girl, probably from a Gryffindor one. Or at least, she must have friends in Gryffindor. Lily Evans is the only one who knows for sure that this is my bed.”
“Whoa there, mate,” James didn’t seem so cheerful anymore, “are you implying that Evans is leaving treats for you?”
“I’m implying that she has friends who leave treats for me,” Sirius explained, “I bet she knows who it is.”
“Even if she does, she’ll never tell you,” said Peter, “girls are like that. They’re so loyal to each other, she’d rather die than betray her friend’s secret.”
“Well, I’ll have to try, at least,” Sirius sighed, going back to admiring his new exploding quill.
Remus was a little more content with the results of his plan this time. Sirius appreciated the gift, and was finally curious enough to try and figure out who his secret admirer is. Perhaps if Remus could show him how personally this admirer knows him, it could get even better.
The following couple of months were nerve-racking for Remus. He came up with more personal messages for Sirius and clever presents to give him. He even sent him on treasure hunts with cute little clues – sending him to the astronomy tower at night and to the Herbology greenhouses. Sirius seemed to get more invested in it as well. He stopped making fun of his secret admirer, and he seemed to be excited to receive the little messages and treats. He even hid some of them from the others, and didn’t let them read the letters anymore, claiming that it was personal. And it was, for Remus dared to write more openly about himself and express his true feelings. All of this pleased him, since he thought that it was a good sign and that perhaps he could finally come clean about his identity soon enough.
Sirius didn’t stop interrogating Lily Evans for information. She denied any connection to this secret admirer – which was the truth, she knew nothing about it. Sirius, however, was convinced that she was covering for some friend of hers.
Everything went so well that Remus decided to give Sirius a big clue this time. He was about to send him on another treasure hunt, this time using secret passages and places only known to the Marauders. Before he had the chance to do that, however, something terrible happened.
“It’s your lucky day, Black,” Lily smiled widely as she took a seat beside the boys at breakfast, “I’ve solved the mystery! I’ve found your secret admirer.”
Remus almost choked on his tea with panic.
“Really? Who is it?” Sirius put down his toast, listening closely.
“I talked to some girls about it, and one of them confessed. It’s Tracy Finn.”
“Who’s Tracy Finn?” Sirius seemed confused, but Remus felt relieved.
“Don't you know her? She's a fifth-year. She has black, curly hair and she’s really short.”
“Oh, I think I know who that is,” said Sirius, “didn’t know her name though. Wait, are you sure it’s her? We’ve never even talked to each other.”
“Why would she lie?” Lily shrugged, “she’s very shy, that’s why she didn’t say anything in person.”
Sirius seemed to consider it for a moment. “Well,” he said, “I guess I should ask her out then.”
“Are you sure?” asked Peter, “I mean, this girl seems to know an awful lot about you. You said it yourself, she’s probably crazy. No offense, Lily.”
“I don’t know,” Sirius sighed, “the things she wrote to me in those letters… It’s like she knows me. Not from stalking, not just random facts like what I wear or what I eat, but… Me. I know it’s probably impossible, but what if we’re soulmates? What if she knows the real me?”
“Are you out of your wits, mate?” James raised his eyebrows, “it’s a girl you’ve never even talked to. She can’t know you. I don’t know what she’s been writing to you, but she’s not your soulmate.”
“Give him a break,” Lily unexpectedly defended Sirius, “what’s the worst that could happen? Give it a chance, romance isn’t dead!”
“Seriously,” James shook his head, “that’s your idea of romance?”
“Leaving cute messages for him? Getting to his heart without having to speak words out loud? Showing him affection with actions rather than empty promises? Yes, that’s my idea of romance. Grow up, Potter.”
Lily left then, and Sirius looked over to the far end of the table, where a short girl with wild curly hair was eating her breakfast alone.
“Evans is right,” he said, “I’m going to ask her out.”
Remus watched as Sirius approached the girl and said something to her. She smiled at him shyly and her face turned red. Really? Remus thought, you believe that she is your secret admirer?
“Are you alright, Moony?” Peter asked, “you look a bit pale.”
“I don’t feel well,” said Remus absentmindedly, still staring at Sirius, “I’m not hungry anymore. Excuse me.”
He left the table and walked out of the Great Hall, frustrated and upset.
“Three weeks,” James said as they all watched Sirius getting ready for another date with Tracy, “that must be some kind of a record for you.”
And it was. Sirius was never committed to someone for that long, and yet with Tracy he seemed to try harder than usual.
“Yes, well,” Sirius ran a hand through his hair, “I’m still trying to figure her out, you know? She’s not too talkative, and I still don’t understand how she got such a good understanding of me in those letters. Besides, she’s cute.”
“You’ve never described a girl as cute before, either,” James mused, “are you sure you’re not under a spell? A love potion? Don’t eat anything she gives you.”
“Are you sure she was really the secret admirer though?” Remus couldn’t help it, he had to ask.
“I think so,” Sirius shrugged, “Evans is right, why would she lie? And she is very shy, I understand why she might want to use means other than a direct approach.”
“But what if she’s lying?” Remus insisted, “it’s not the best thing to start a relationship with, honesty is key.”
“Why are you all attacking Tracy?” Sirius snapped, “she’s a nice girl – the nicest I’ve ever been with. She’s done nothing to upset any of you, she’s been nothing but kind. Why do you treat her like that?”
They all fell silent, none of them knowing what to say to that.
“I think Tracy’s great,” said Peter quietly.
And so Remus had to say goodbye to his dreams and acknowledge that his plan was flawed from the start. What did he think would happen? How could that ever turn out to be good? Perhaps it was better this way, with the credit going to Tracy. What would Sirius do if he ever found out that it was Remus all along? It might have ruined their friendship, the dynamic of the whole group. Remus’ friends were such an important part of his life, he couldn’t risk it.
Feeling absolutely miserable, Remus buried himself in homework, trying his best to distract himself.
But Sirius was unbearable. He constantly talked about Tracy, praised her little quirks and mentioned over and over again how happy he was with her. They were always together, and Remus could barely keep his emotions under control.
Despite his active protests, Remus was dragged into the Common Room to sit with his friends and a few other Gryffindors for a nice evening by the fireplace. Or at least it could be a nice evening, if it wasn’t for Tracy sitting in Sirius’ lap and sneaking in little kisses every five seconds or so. The whole thing was rapidly getting on Remus’ nerves, and he finally couldn’t take it anymore.
Without even excusing himself, since he figured that nobody would notice anyway, Remus walked out of the Common Room and found himself a quiet corner to sit and try to calm down.
“Not the best evening for you, huh?” it was Lily’s voice, and Remus looked up to see the redhead watching him with compassion.
He said nothing, but he didn’t object when she sat down beside him
“I saw the way you look at Sirius and Tracy,” she said, “and I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt that way about her. It must be tough to be in love with your best friend’s girlfriend.”
“You think I’m in love with Tracy?” Remus let out a short, incredulous laugh.
“Come on, there’s no need to lie to me,” said Lily quietly, “I know love when I see it. The way you were looking at them… I’ve seen it before. I can imagine what it feels like.”
“Can you, though?” Remus snapped, “can you imagine being hopelessly in love with someone you know so damn well? Can you imagine knowing a person inside and out, literally being able to predict what they’re going to say, to read their thoughts? Being so close to someone all of the time because they’re such an essential part of your day? Can you imagine knowing for a fact that this person would never look at you that way, knowing that you’ll never be together, yet not being able to stop feeling this incredible, senseless love towards them? Can you imagine finally having some sort of hope, a glimpse of the future, and then having it snatched away from you? Can you imagine working so hard to do something for them, to show them your love, to get their attention, only to have all of the credit go to someone else? Well, can you?”
Lily stared at him in shock. “It’s not Tracy you’re in love with, is it?” she whispered, “oh, Merlin. It was you. Tracy didn’t send him those letters, it was you all along.”
“Yes, it was,” Remus buried his face in his hands and his voice was muffled, “but it doesn’t matter now. They’re going to live happily ever after together. And I’ll just be here, alone, as always.”
“No no no, we can fix this,” said Lily, “there’s still hope, Remus. If Tracy wasn’t the secret admirer, that means she’s lying to him. The truth will come up eventually, he’ll be furious with her.”
“It’s probably too late,” Remus dismissed the idea, “he talks about her as if he’s in love. It doesn’t matter anymore whether she was the secret admirer or not, he only wants her.”
“What if I can fix it?” Lily tried, “what if I talk to her? Or talk to him, tell him that she’s lying?”
“No, stop,” Remus sighed deeply, “it’s all useless. No offense, Lily, but you already tried to help once, and now I have to suffer through this. Perhaps it’s for the best. Perhaps this is a sign and I must get over him.”
They sat in silence for a while, Lily wrapping her arms around Remus and telling him softly that she’s sorry. It was comforting in a way. He loved Lily’s company and it was great to finally tell someone about his feelings. And yet Remus felt extremely sad and hopeless, thinking that he could never get over Sirius.
Sirius and Tracy were sitting by the fireplace all alone, enjoying each other’s company.
“I like fire,” Tracy said, thinking out loud.
“Yes, it reminds you of the sun,” Sirius said slowly, he was almost falling asleep.
“No, it’s just very cozy,” said Tracy.
“Cozy? You said it’s chaotic, explosive, hot. You like it because it’s the exact opposite of the moon. Or the idea of the moon, was it? I can’t remember the exact wording.”
“I never said that.”
Sirius froze. He pulled away from Tracy enough to look at her face.
“What’s your favorite animal?” he asked, his look so stern Tracy suddenly cowered as if she was being interrogated for unthinkable crimes.
“Cats, I guess? I have three cats at home,” she smiled a little.
“It wasn’t you, was it?” Sirius was getting angry, “the secret admirer, the letters. It wasn’t you.”
“Why would you say that?”
“I’ve been suspecting it for a while,” said Sirius, “but I wanted to believe that you’re better than that. Why would you lie? But you never mentioned anything from those letters, I always had to bring it up and you’d just agree with whatever I said. And you slipped a few times, not getting my references and jokes… But now I know for sure. You have three cats? After all of those cats-and-dogs jokes? I thought you were referring to – “
It dawned on him.
It’s been over a month, and only now did it occur to him that this could not be a reference to his animagus shape. She couldn’t know. Nobody could, except –
“Fuck.”
“I’m sorry, alright?” Tracy sighed, “I didn’t want this to happen. But Lily kept talking to everyone about Sirius Black’s secret admirer, and you seemed to be so interested in finding out who it is. And I’ve had a crush on you for so long, I thought I might as well use my opportunity. It was stupid, I blurted it out to Lily thinking it would never work. But it did, and we’re together, and I… I love you, Sirius.”
They looked at each other intensely, Tracy’s eyes filled with tears.
“I can’t do this right now,” said Sirius, “I can’t… No. I can’t be with you anymore. I’d say I’m sorry, but it’s really your fault.”
Sirius got up to his feet and stormed into the dormitory, where the rest of the boys were getting ready for sleep.
“Which one of you wankers was it?” he asked, barely controlling his rage.
“Which one of us was what?” asked James, honestly confused.
“Which one of you decided to prank me by sending me those fake secret admirer letters? Which one of you royally messed up my life and let me date this girl for over a MONTH, knowing that our relationship was built on a lie? Huh?”
He looked at each one of them. James seemed surprised and confused. So did Peter, although he also looked a little bit frightened. But when his eyes landed on Remus, there was so much in his facial expression – he looked completely shattered, as if Sirius was aiming the killing curse at him.
Sirius’ stomach turned. This was a blow he wasn’t expecting.
“Everyone except for Remus, please leave the room,” Sirius said with as much calm as he could muster.
Peter and James exchanged shocked looks, and on their way out James stopped right next to Sirius.
“Whatever it is, it wasn’t him,” he said quietly, “you know that. It can't be him.”
“Thank you for your input, James,” said Sirius without looking at him, “now kindly, leave.”
When the door closed behind them, Sirius looked straight at Remus, his stare so piercing it made Remus shudder.
“I can’t believe it,” Sirius breathed out, “anyone but you. Why would you do this to me, Remus? I would give anything for you, you know that. I’d die for you. What did I do to deserve this from you? I know we joke around a lot, and perhaps sometimes we get on your nerves, but surely you know that it’s all just a laugh? I’ve never wanted to hurt you in my life, and I still don’t, and I never will. You’re so dear to me, I just don’t… I’m not even angry, I’m just incredibly hurt. Did you really think it would be a good idea to make me believe that someone out there understands me, adores me like this… To make me date this girl, this liar, for over a month? And for what? What purpose could you possibly have? Please tell me, I’m dying to know.”
Remus said nothing. He just stood there as if paralyzed, staring at Sirius, his eyes round with terror and his lips trembling.
“Tell me!” Sirius raised his voice mercilessly, “tell me, because I don’t understand! Why would you prank me like that? Why, Remus?”
Remus answered so quietly that Sirius was almost sure he heard him wrong - “It wasn’t a prank”.
“What?”
Remus took a deep breath, visibly trying his best to keep his voice steady. “I said it wasn’t a prank.”
Sirius stared at him, still not getting it.
“I wrote you those letters,” Remus confessed, “not because I wanted to prank you. I didn’t know that Tracy would take the credit. I wrote them because I meant every word in them. The thoughts and feelings I expressed are all real. And now you know, so now I ruined everything completely. I’m so sorry, I never meant for this to happen, it was such a stupid idea…”
Remus went on blabbering about how ridiculous the mere thought of it was, but Sirius could barely focus on his words anymore. His whole world was turned upside down. Remus wrote those letters, and he meant them.
All at once he started to remember different pieces of the messages he got from Remus, and it all made sense now. The werewolf jokes that made him chuckle, the constant references to dogs, the chocolate, the heartfelt confessions, the observations about things he loved or hated… Everything fit into place. Remus felt that for him. A terrible wave of intense emotions washed over him. He couldn’t handle it.
“I need a minute,” he barely managed to say as he ran into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
He washed his face with cold water, breathing heavily, trying to sort out his thoughts.
Meanwhile, Remus was completely freaking out on the other side of that door. He didn’t know whether he should check on Sirius or not, he wasn’t sure that he could find the courage to do that anyway. His whole body was still shaking, he felt terrible. He imagined telling Sirius about his feelings a thousand times before, but it never played out like this in his mind. He felt miserable, and he cursed himself over and over again for making that stupid decision in the first place.
Finally, he decided to put his fears aside and check on Sirius. He knocked on the door lightly, but there was no response.
“Sirius?” he called, “are you okay in there?”
Nothing. He cleared his throat.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I know that it’s a shock for you. But it doesn’t have to ruin anything, okay? I’ll… I’ll get over it. I’ll let you set the boundaries, I won’t do anything you might be uncomfortable with. Even if… Even if it means that I don’t get to be around you at all anymore. I’ll do anything, really, just please…” his voice cracked, “please open the door and say something, I need to know that you’re fine.”
He could hear footsteps on the other side of the door, and then it opened. Sirius stood there, looking bewildered.
“Sirius..?” seeing him like that frightened Remus a little.
Sirius took a step forward and pulled Remus into a hug. It took him a moment to register what was happening, but then Remus carefully wrapped his hands around Sirius, returning the hug with hesitation. Sirius had hugged him many times before, but this time was different. The embrace wasn’t cheerful and friendly, nor was it comforting and compassionate. It was something else, and Remus couldn’t name it, so he wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to enjoy it or not.
“Are you- “ he began, but Sirius cut him off. “Shut up,” his voice was muffled because he spoke into Remus’ shoulder, but Remus could tell that he didn’t sound angry or bitter.
When he finally felt Sirius pull back, he wasn’t entirely ready to look at him. Before he had the chance to think about it, however, Sirius’ lips were pressed against his. He froze, too shocked to kiss him back or do anything at all, but Sirius held the kiss for a few long moments.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked when he finally came to his senses and pulled away.
“Trying to figure out what I’m feeling,” Sirius explained, “because I’m terribly confused.”
“I don’t think this is the best way to sort out your feelings,” Remus said gently, “and I understand that you don’t want this whole thing to go south, but don’t force yourself – “
“It’s not like that,” Sirius interrupted, “it’s… I’ve never thought about it before. Or rather, I thought it would be impossible, so I never let myself even consider the possibility. I didn’t even know you fancy blokes.”
“If it’s any consolation, I didn’t know either,” Remus offered a weak smile, “I’ve never really fancied anyone else. Sure, I can recognize when someone is attractive, but… I’ve never really liked anyone.”
“Well,” Sirius looked at the floor, “I have fancied guys before. I mean, nothing worth mentioning, I guess, I’ve never dated any of them or anything. But I know I can be attracted to them.”
This came as a huge surprise to Remus. He stared at Sirius for a few moments. “Really? Why haven’t you told me? Does James know? Does Peter?”
“No,” Sirius shook his head, “I haven’t told anyone, because… I don’t know, it’s not a big deal. Again, I’ve never really had to face it before since I never considered dating any guys. But I think it’s time now.”
Remus blinked, unsure what this meant for him.
“Look,” Sirius sighed, “let’s not tell the others about it for now, alright? Let’s just say it was a huge misunderstanding. I need to sort out my feelings first.”
“Sure, I understand,” Remus nodded, “and you probably need to get over Tracy as well.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Please,” he said, “I already forgot that she exists.”
They smiled at each other for a moment, feeling a little better about the whole thing.
“So we’re cool?” Remus asked quietly, “you’re not mad at me, for the… The secret admirer thing?”
Sirius grinned. “Now that I think about it,” he said, “it’s hilarious. There were so many moon puns!”
“I wanted to see how much I could get away with before you noticed,” Remus chuckled, “and you never noticed. So I got a little carried away. I even slipped some quotes from the letters into our conversations every once in a while, you’re oblivious.”
“You’re a madman, Moony,” Sirius laughed and reached forward to ruffle Remus’ hair. Usually he’d get annoyed by it and fix his hair at once, but this time he just laughed and let Sirius have some fun.
There was a knock on the door then, and they both realized that James and Peter were basically locked out of the room this whole time, and they were all supposed to be asleep by then.
Sirius opened the door with an apologetic look. James and Peter walked in carefully, as if the room could explode at any minute.
“So…” James said, “are you guys fine?”
“Oh, yes,” Sirius smiled, “it was just a misunderstanding. We sorted it out.”
James and Peter breathed out with relief. “Told you it wasn’t Moony!” James exclaimed, “he’s an angel.”
“He truly is,” said Sirius as he glanced at Remus with a meaningful smile.
When Remus was about to fall asleep that night, he heard a rustling sound from Sirius’ bed. Moving aside the curtain around his bed just enough to take a peek, he saw Sirius taking out a few red envelopes from his nightstand and re-reading the letters.
Remus closed back the curtain and rolled over in his bed, finally falling asleep with the sweetest smile on his lips.
Remus. Remus Lupin. Remus? Moony. Moons.
Sirius scrawled the name about a thousand times on his parchment, looking at its shape, lost in thought. He then started writing down random words he associated with Remus.
Clever. Kind. STRONG. Light. Warm. Cute.
He looked at it and sighed, it wasn’t helpful. None of it was helpful. He’s been staring at Remus for the past three days in an attempt to figure out his feelings, but he couldn’t. Did he love him? Yes, of course he loved him. He meant what he said – he’d die for him. But was he attracted to him? How does one separate attraction from the deep love one feels for one’s friends? What is the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them? It was so confusing.
He looked up as the portrait swung open and James walked into the Common Room. Realizing he had a parchment with Remus’ name scrawled all over it, Sirius crumpled it into a ball and threw it into the fireplace. James saw that.
“What are you doing there, Padfoot?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
Sirius had a few books in his lap, which he decided to use as a cover. “Studying.”
James looked surprised. Alarmed, even. “Studying?” Bad cover. Very bad cover.
“It’s for a prank,” Sirius tried to save the situation, “I’m just trying to get inspired. Don’t worry about it, I’ll let you know if I stumble upon anything good. Do you have a minute though? I wanted to talk to you.”
Hearing the serious tone in his voice made James immediately forget about the studying nonsense and sit down by the fire with him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, listening attentively.
“What would you say,” Sirius took a deep breath, “if I told you that I might fancy guys?”
James looked confused. “What, like in a homosexual way?”
“No. Well, I guess. Sort of. Like in a romantic, sexual way.”
“But you like girls.”
“Yes, but what if I also like blokes?”
“Bloody hell, Padfoot,” James sighed, “you’ve already shagged every other girl in this school – and I’m saying every other girl only because the rest of them are like eleven years old – and now you’re telling me you’re going on a spree with the guys as well?”
“I’m not saying that,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “I’m just saying… Would you be okay with it if I like a guy, occasionally?”
“Look, it’s none of my business, I don’t care who it is you’re putting your cock into. Just, you know, as long as it isn’t Evans.”
“So anyone but Evans?” Sirius raised his eyebrows.
“Basically, yes. I would also thank you if you don’t stick your cock in me, my heart is already taken.”
“What if I shag Snivellus?”
James’ expression was priceless – he looked as if Sirius said the most scandalous thing imaginable.
“You wouldn’t!”
“I mean he does have nice… Eyes?”
James picked up one of Sirius’ books and hit him over the head with it. “Take it back!” he yelled.
“Ouch,” Sirius complained as James kept hitting him, “alright! Alright! Of course I won’t shag him! I would never!”
“I was about to ask whether you’ve seen Peter anywhere, but I can see now that you’re very busy,” said Remus, who just walked into the room and stared at them with his arms folded over his chest.
James and Sirius chuckled but stopped messing around.
“I haven’t seen him,” said Sirius, “but I need to talk to you, if you don’t mind.”
“Are you going to tell him what you’ve just told me?” James asked quietly.
“Sort of,” Sirius shrugged, “so you’re okay with that?”
“Told you,” James smiled, “as long as it isn’t Evans, or Snivellus. Oh! Dumbledore is also off limits.”
“Why would I shag Dumbledore?”
“Nothing is beneath you!” said James as he headed upstairs.
“What was that all about?” Remus asked when James was gone.
“I told him that I might like guys,” Sirius explained, “he seems to be fine with it. As long as those guys aren’t Snape or Dumbledore.”
“I see,” Remus smiled, “so what do you need to talk to me about?”
“We’ll need a little more privacy than that.”
Every corner they found seemed to be too crowded, so they settled on going to the prefects’ bathroom. Being the Marauders, they knew the password, so it wasn’t difficult for them to get in.
“Well?” Remus shifted his weight awkwardly from one foot to another as they stood face to face, “what did you want to talk about?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot,” Sirius started, but he couldn’t find the right words, “and… I don’t know. I guess I want to ask you – how do you know that you like me?”
Remus stared at him. “What do you mean?”
“Well,” Sirius felt frustrated with himself for not being able to phrase it correctly, “I know that we care for each other, and that we love each other, but how… How do you know – “
“How do I separate the platonic from the romantic?” Remus helped, and Sirius nodded. “I guess… It’s in the little things, you know? Like the fact that I pay too much attention to every small interaction with you. For example, we’d sit in the library and we’d both be looking at the same book, and you’d be saying something but all I’d be able to think about is how your knee is so close to mine that I can feel the heat from it. Or we’d get wet in the rain outside and you’d shake your head like the absolute dog that you are and your hair would get all – “
Remus took a deep breath, as if just talking about it made him shiver. “You know,” he said instead of continuing, “things like that. And of course there’s the part where I fantasize about kissing you. And stuff.”
“Oh?” Sirius raised an eyebrow at him, a curious smile on his lips, “do tell, what does ‘and stuff’ entail?”
“Nothing too inappropriate,” Remus’ cheeks were as red as his Gryffindor scarf, “I don’t let myself get carried away, I feel guilty.”
“If any other teenage boy said that to me I’d say it’s a blatant lie,” Sirius smirked, “but with you it’s sadly possible. You do know that it’s normal to fantasize about your friends, right?”
Remus seemed confused. “No… It really isn’t.”
“Of course it is, I fantasize about you all the time,” Sirius shrugged. Remus seemed to be in a loss of words.
“You can’t blame me,” said Sirius, “you do that thing when you’re lost in thought or reading, you bite your lip a little bit and then you sort of run your thumb over it. It’s distracting. Of course I’d think about snogging you.”
“And you think that’s just normal friends stuff?” Remus raised his eyebrows.
“Of course, I’m always around you. I have to notice things like that. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Well did you ever think such things about James?”
Sirius snorted. “Merlin, no! He’s like a brother, I can’t think – ohhh.” The realization seemed to hit him then and he stared at Remus in shock, as if his whole world just turned upside down. Again.
“Does that help you sort out your feelings?” Remus asked.
“Yes,” Sirius nodded, “but you know what would help even more?”
They stared at each other for one more moment before Sirius grabbed Remus by his scarf and pulled him forward, practically smashing their mouths together and attacking him with a kiss. This time Remus answered with the same passion, seizing Sirius by the front of his robes, giving in immediately.
Sirius was surprised by how familiar the feeling of the kiss was. The last time, when he just pressed his lips against Remus’ in that awkward attempt to make things right, it just felt strange and forced. This, however, felt the way Sirius always felt when snogging someone – really damn good. It was something he was skilled at, and he could do it with confidence and passion. He expected Remus to be more hesitant and nervous, but Remus surprised him – he held onto him as if Sirius was a lifeboat and he was about to drown. He even took off his own scarf when the kiss started heating up and tossed it aside, which encouraged Sirius to pull him even closer to himself and move his hands a little bit over his body.
After spending those last few days trying to calculate his feelings, to understand, to measure, to differentiate, it was nice to finally let go of logic and just feel. And he felt a whole lot – Remus’ hot breath right before their tongues met, Remus’ hands grabbing the back of his neck, his own pulse going so fast it was almost painful, his whole body getting hot, so very hot.
At that point they started losing their clothes. Robes, ties, cardigans, all discarded on the floor. Sirius was halfway through unbuttoning Remus’ shirt when Remus paused and pulled away, breathless. “Wait, wait,” he said, placing a hand on Sirius’ chest to put some distance between them.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked nervously.
“I think we’re moving a bit too fast,” Remus sighed, “I know you’re excited about the fact that you realized what you’re feeling, but… I didn’t get a chance to process it. Can we press pause on…” he gestured between them, “all of this? Just for a little while. Just to go a little bit slower.”
“Of course,” Sirius smiled, “no pressure. Take as long as you need.”
They hugged then, both beaming pleasantly before they gathered their things and left the bathroom, as if nothing ever happened.
The following days, Sirius was shamelessly flirting with Remus every time he had the slightest opportunity. He seemed to enjoy pushing the envelope, especially as he made innuendoes around James and Peter, knowing they all went right over their heads. Remus felt like he was going crazy.
One evening they were sitting by the fire in the Common Room, finishing their homework together. Remus kept getting distracted by Sirius, who stared at him constantly and never averted his eyes when Remus caught him doing so.
“I think we can move on to the next chapter, now that we – Sirius, stop it!” Remus slammed his book shut as he felt Sirius’ hand on his knee moving a little too far up his thigh.
“Stop what?” Sirius asked innocently, not removing his hand.
“This,” Remus stopped him, “we should be studying. I can’t concentrate because of you.”
“Well, I can’t concentrate because of you,” Sirius shrugged, “you’re not paying attention to me.”
“Because I’m paying attention to my homework, as should you!”
“You said we should take it slow,” Sirius moved closer to Remus, “but this isn’t slow, this is… Not at all. Is everything okay?”
Remus could feel Sirius’ breath on his cheek, he was so close to him. A shiver went down his spine as he felt Sirius’ lips lightly brush against his skin. He gave in to the temptation and turned his head, kissing Sirius sweetly on the lips.
Sirius pulled back at once as they heard a noise in the room, and they both turned around to see Lily Evans, who managed to knock over a chair.
“Sorry,” she said as she lifted the chair back up, “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just forgot my book out here.”
Remus’ cheeks burned red, and he felt extremely embarrassed.
“Could you give me a moment alone with her?” he whispered to Sirius.
Sirius raised his eyebrows in response, clearly surprised by the request.
“Please,” Remus sighed, “I need to talk to her.”
Finally, Sirius gathered his books and went up the stairs into the dormitory, giving them some privacy.
“Lily,” Remus stood up and came closer to her, “what you just saw – “
“It’s okay,” she interrupted, “we can pretend I didn’t see anything.”
“Nobody knows, and it’s – “
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“It’s not just that,” Remus breathed out with frustration, “I don’t want you to think… We’re not together or anything.”
Lily seemed confused. “Why not?” she asked, “you’re in love with him. He seemed very enthusiastic about kissing you, so I’m guessing the feeling is mutual. What’s the problem?”
Remus looked away. “I don’t think he really likes me,” he admitted.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s been confused. Which is alright, I was also a little confused about it at first. But I’ve seen him with Tracy. And I’ve seen him with so many girls before… He thinks he likes them, at first. He certainly enjoys the physical aspects of it. But this month with Tracy was the longest he’s ever been in a committed relationship, and even that was a disaster.”
“You think you might be just another pretty person he wants to shag?” Lily asked softly.
“I don’t know. But I don’t think he understands… This is very serious for me. I don’t have a silly crush, he isn’t just one of my many romantic pursuits. I love him. And I’m afraid that if I completely let go and just give him everything I’ve got, he might… Get bored. Move on.”
Lily said nothing, but her expression seemed to confirm all of Remus’ fears. She simply hugged him and told him that she’s sorry, but it wasn’t all that comforting.
When he finally entered the dormitory a few minutes later, Sirius was already asleep, and Remus was glad he didn’t have to confront him about his fears.
Lily and her Ravenclaw friend, Gina, walked into the castle as they came back from their trip to Hogsmeade. As they walked along the corridors Gina kept talking about that boy she had a crush on, and Lily was listening closely until something else caught her attention. “Can we talk later?” she asked Gina, “I need to take care of something.”
Promising to meet her after dinner, Lily walked across the corridor to Sirius Black, who was sitting by a window, seemingly lost in thought.
“Black? Do you have a moment?” she asked. He jumped with surprise at the sound of her voice, turning around sharply.
“Bloody hell, Evans, you scared the crap out of me. Well, what did James do this time?”
“Surprisingly, nothing,” said Lily with a small smile as she took a seat beside him, “how are you?”
Sirius looked at her suspiciously. “Good. How are you?”
“You don’t seem good,” she said, “why are you here all alone, looking out of the window as if you’re a young maiden from the 1700s, being forced to marry a man twenty years older than her?”
“I’m not,” Sirius sounded offended, “I just wanted to be alone for a while.”
“Is it about Remus?” she asked carefully.
Sirius seemed to remember now that she saw them snogging in the Common Room. “Oh,” he said, “did he tell you something? About us?”
“A little bit,” Lily admitted, “but I’d like to hear your part of the story. What’s going on?”
“I don’t think he likes me,” Sirius paused before going into a passionate rant, “he – I don’t know how much you know, Evans, but at this point I don’t think there’s a reason to hide it from you. He wrote me those letters. He was my secret admirer. And the things he wrote… Well, I felt like he was baring his soul to me. The way he described his feelings, I was under the impression that… That he’s in love with me. And yes, my reaction wasn’t ideal. What can I say? I was shocked, and it took me a moment. But I came around, I realized that I’m very much into him. I thought we could be happy now. But then, the moment I told him, he lost interest. He told me that he just wants to take things slow, but I think he’s just trying to spare my feelings. He doesn’t respond to me at all, and when he does it feels like he only does that out of pity. It sucks, you know? I realized that I really, really like him. But I don’t think he feels the same, not anymore.”
Lily couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “So you really do like him? I mean, are you sure it’s any different than what you’ve felt for… Any girl ever?”
Sirius seemed offended by the mere thought of that. “Do you really think I’d treat Remus like that? Alright, fine, I’m an arse, and I deserve that. I slept with girls just because I can, that’s true. But it’s Remus we’re talking about. Do you have any idea how much I love this person?”
At that, Lily couldn’t take it any longer.
“Where is he right now?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Sirius sighed, “probably in the dormitory with the others.”
Lily got up on her feet and took Sirius by the wrist, dragging him after her as she sped along the corridors and up to the Gryffindor Common Room. She ignored his demands to know what’s going on as she pushed the portrait open and proceeded to pull him up the stairs.
When the both of them stormed into the dormitory, James was standing on a stool for some reason with no trousers on. Upon seeing Lily, he let out a high-pitched scream and jumped off the stool, covering himself with a pillow. Lily rolled her eyes.
“Potter, Pettigrew, get out,” she said.
“What? You can’t just come here and shoo us out of the room,” Peter protested while James struggled to put on his trousers.
“I need to talk to you about something. Go wait for me downstairs.”
“Is it about your undying – “ James started, but Lily cut him off.
“It is certainly not about my undying love for you, Potter. I just saw you in your pretty striped underwear, I think maybe you can knock it off with your cockiness a little bit. Out!”
Peter and James obeyed, and right before they were out the door she heard James whisper “she said my underwear is pretty”. Finally, Lily turned to Remus and Sirius.
“You two need to talk,” she said, “because you’re both idiots. Just say the same thing you told me in private. I promise you it’ll get so much better once you talk. I’m going to occupy your friends by the way – you’re very welcome.”
The door was then shut behind her and Sirius was left alone in the room with Remus.
“What’s that all about?” Remus asked, sitting down on James’ bed.
“She’s a little intense, isn’t she?” Sirius tried to make the situation lighter as he sat down beside Remus.
“Did you talk to her?” Remus asked.
“Yes,” Sirius shrugged, “but I don’t understand what she wants me to tell you. I only told her what you already know.”
“Perhaps I should tell you something then,” Remus admitted, “I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”
Sirius blinked, feeling a bit nervous. He knew what Remus was going to say – that his feelings for him weren’t the same anymore, that it took him too long to sort out his thoughts, that by now Remus doesn’t want them to be together anymore. Sirius braced himself for bad news.
“The reason I told you that I want to take it slow,” Remus took a deep breath, “is because I’m afraid that our feelings aren’t entirely mutual.” Sirius’ heart sank, convinced that his fears were confirmed.
“I understand,” he said, “but you shouldn’t try to spare my feelings, Moony. If you don’t like me that way anymore it’s fine, you don’t have to say that you just need time. If anything, it gives me false expectations.”
Remus seemed confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Exactly what you’re talking about..? I think?”
“No, I’m saying that I have feelings for you, and that I don’t think you feel the same.”
“Why would you think that?” now Sirius was confused.
“I guess,” Remus sighed, “I just thought… How am I different from any girl you ever dated? Why would I be better? Those girls… They were all attractive, and desirable, and they could have any other guy in this school but they picked you. You were always involved with the best girls, the ones everyone else were interested in. And even they didn’t make it past one month with you. So why would I? You’ll get sick of me so fast, I – “
“No, I’m going to stop you right there,” Sirius interrupted, “though I probably should’ve stopped you back when you implied that you’re not an attractive person. Are you out of your damn mind? Do you think you’re just someone I’d like to shag and forget about? Sure, you’re insanely hot. These past few days drove me crazy because all I wanted to do was to snog you stupid, no matter who was watching. But do you think that’s why I like you? Do you think back at that moment when I locked myself in the bathroom, I thought ‘well he has a nice backside so I might as well’ and that’s why I came out of there? Do you think I told Prongs that I like guys just to get in your pants and dump you?”
“I – well, now that you say it like that…”
“I understand why,” Sirius shook his head, “I don’t deserve the title ‘Boyfriend Of The Year’. But honestly, Remus, I thought you knew better. I thought you knew that I’m not just in it for your fantastic arse. I’m in it for you. All of you.”
They looked at each other quietly, and Sirius noticed that Remus seemed as if he was barely keeping it together.
“So you really like me?” Remus sounded like a child who just found out that his parents bought him a house made of chocolate.
“Way more than that. Like, way, way more.” Sirius beamed, feeling for the first time that Remus believed him, and understood the meaning of those words entirely.
He wasn’t sure who was the one to pull the other into a kiss, but all of a sudden they were passionately making out on James’ bed. Sirius was on top of Remus, pinning him down with his weight, his hands roaming all over Remus’ body. They were a mess of lips, breathless gasps, hands and friction. Sirius got rid of his shirt rather willingly, Remus’ took a little more time as Sirius was too excited every time he exposed more of the werewolf’s skin. As trousers came off their kiss became even more heated, and Sirius’ kisses now moved to Remus’ neck. He enjoyed it immensely – it was familiar territory again. His tongue was used to tasting skin and extracting pleasurable moans from his partners. His hand, however, reached an unmarked territory as it brushed over Remus’ boxers.
He looked up, a little worried that Remus might change his mind. After the last time they were rather close to each other, Sirius wanted to make sure that they were both on board with what they were doing.
Remus, however, seemed to be the opposite of hesitant. As they locked eyes and Sirius’ hand froze, Remus reached down to lead his hand under the boxers and straight to his cock. Sirius was thankful for the encouragement as he seized Remus' erection, thinking for a moment that it’s supposed to feel weird. It didn’t. He gave it a few strokes to get used to the length and shape of the unfamiliar cock, but then it went smoothly and easily for him. Remus’ reaction was solid gold – he closed his eyes, concentrating on the feeling, breathing out sharply and gripping Sirius’ shoulders.
Sirius went back to kissing Remus’ neck as he kept a steady pace, feeling how hot Remus’ skin was under his lips, listening closely to the soft moans that came out of his throat.
When at last Remus reached climax, Sirius planted a sticky kiss on his mouth and released his cock. They rested for a moment, Sirius lay down beside Remus, watching his face.
Then, without saying a thing, Remus turned to Sirius. Before he realized what was happening, Remus was on top of him, kissing him all over his torso. This came as a surprise, but Sirius didn’t protest. His own erection craved Remus’ attention, and his heart pounded as he felt Remus’ tongue trace his stomach all the way down to the waistband of his underwear.
For a moment he felt the cold air as his underwear was pulled down, and then the hot softness of Remus’ mouth was around his cock, and he was in heaven.
Remus was surprisingly skilled with his mouth, and Sirius could barely hold it together as he glanced down to see his favorite werewolf work his length. He was already close, with how ridiculously aroused he was to begin with, but he tried as hard as he could to make it last longer. Finally, with his fingers digging into Remus’ hair, his orgasm washed over him. He never enjoyed oral sex like that in his entire life, and that said something.
As Remus looked up at him with a curious smile, he felt the strong urge to hold onto him and never let go. Remus climbed back up so that they were face to face again and kissed him slowly, to which Sirius responded with delight.
They were both startled by a sudden scream that came from the door.
“MY EYES! MY POOR EYES!” James stood there, shielding his face with his hands. Beside him was Peter, his eyes wide with shock, staring at Remus and Sirius as if he’s just been traumatized for life. A moment later Lily entered, panting, words of apology on the tip of her tongue.
“I can’t believe it!” James kept on screaming while the boys hurried up to get dressed, “you are disgusting human beings! What the fuck is that?”
Sirius looked at him with bewilderment. “You said that you don’t care if I date a guy,” he reminded him.
“What? Do you think that I care about you fucking Moony?” James seemed even more enraged by the thought.
“What else would you be freaking out about?” Sirius asked.
“You were doing it on MY BED! I told you, I don’t care where you stick your cock. You know what? You can even shag Dumbledore if you want. As long as it’s not on my FUCKING BED!”
“We’re sorry, James,” Remus said, his face so red he looked as if he just ran a marathon, “we weren’t thinking.”
“Yes, you were clearly busy doing something else. Peter, let’s switch beds.”
“You wish,” Peter seemed offended that James even considered proposing that, “I’m not excited about sleeping there either, after what we’ve just witnessed.”
“Then we’re going to cuddle tonight. Evans, please don’t be jealous, it’s a sacrifice I have to make.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “Couldn’t care less.”
“Speaking of which,” James turned to face her now, “you need to stop barging into this room like that. You’ve already seen three of us without our trousers on. This is unacceptable.”
“Well, if I’ve already seen you in your underwear, it can’t get any worse, right? So it doesn’t really matter now,” Lily shrugged.
“Hey, we don't sneak into the girls’ dormitory, do we? Please respect our boundaries.”
“The only reason you don’t do that is because you can’t. But don’t act like you haven’t tried, like a thousand times.”
“He’s just worried that you’ll catch him talking about you,” Sirius grinned, “and there’s a very high chance of that happening. Like, ridiculously high.”
“Shut up,” James snapped at him, “she is RIGHT THERE. Do you want us to go back to the topic of your naked arse on my bed? I’ll have to burn the sheets! Please tell me there are no suspicious stains. I don’t want to touch those.”
“Am I the only one who is genuinely surprised by the fact that these two are a thing?” Peter squeaked, “how long has this been going on?”
“Way too long,” said Lily.
“Not long enough,” said Sirius.
“It’s complicated,” said Remus.
“There’s definitely a stain there. Someone stab me in the face, please,” said James.
They ended up laughing it off, declaring that Remus and Sirius were officially dating now, and arranging a temporary bed for James on the floor, at least until the house elves would change the sheets.
“So I said, ‘you know what else is unbelievably huge and insanely hard?’ and she slapped me! Do you think I went too far with– “ James was interrupted by Peter as they came into the room.
“Moony, what’s that on your bed?” he pointed. Sure enough, there was a gigantic box of Remus’ favorite chocolates on his bed and a small red envelope rested on his pillow.
“Seems like you’ve got yourself a… Secret admirer,” said Sirius with false innocence.
Peter and James both rolled their eyes at that, and Remus cocked up an eyebrow at his boyfriend.
“Let’s see,” he said, picking up the envelope and looking inside. There was a note there, written in Sirius’ handwriting.
“I’m not as romantic as you, and I sure as hell can’t rhyme,
but you deserve a few kind words after all this fucking time.
You’re hotter than a thousand girls, you’re hotter than the SUN
you’re not just one of many, for me you are THE one.
I love you more than – wait, now I’m getting cheesy.
How did you write these things? It’s clearly not that easy.
Just know: I mean the things I said, I was completely serious.
You’re awesome, you’re the very best, now kiss me, please.
(Yours, Sirius).”
Remus laughed out loud, looking at Sirius with a little shake of his head. “You rhymed serious with Sirius? Really?”
“I’m pretty sure I mentioned that I can’t rhyme,” Sirius defended himself, “and I think it was clever.”
“It's not really a secret admirer though if you sign your name, is it?” Remus smiled as he wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck, “but it's sweet. I love it.”
“Ew, they’re going to snog,” said James, “I can’t watch this.”
“You’re just jealous that this isn’t Lily and you,” said Peter.
They kept bickering as Remus and Sirius kissed, and Remus felt like it couldn’t be more perfect.
He finally had what he wanted right there in his arms, and the only wish he had was for this moment to last forever.
And in his heart, it did.