Work Text:
Zhang Hao isn’t getting cold feet, he wants to make that very clear. He loves Hanbin, more than anything in the world actually, and he’s been waiting for this day for years. It’s just that the room is suddenly unbearably stuffy, the bodies of people around him are starting to suffocate him, and he can’t really remember the last proper meal he had. The nerves really mess with your appetite.
“Oh my god,” He thinks he hears Taerae’s voice through the fog in his mind. “are you gonna pass out?”
A valid question, he thinks.
“No.” He really hopes that’s true. If he fainted while walking down the aisle he would never forgive himself - mostly because it would be really mean to Hanbin but also because it would be really embarrassing, especially considering the amount of videos he’s sure his friends would take. “Of course not.”
“Should I get you something to eat?” someone asks from behind. Kuan Jui, probably. “I feel like we should get you something to eat. You look pale.”
They probably should, but Hao can’t find it in himself to think about food right now. He wishes he brought a protein bar. He needs something dry and tasteless, as any flavour would make him throw up.
The main source of his problem isn’t really food, but the fact that he and Hanbin decided to do that stupid thing where you don’t see each other before the wedding. That means he hasn’t seen Hanbin since their lunch yesterday, which may not seem like a long time, but he actually can’t remember the last time he went a full day without seeing Hanbin. However, If he voiced these thoughts out loud, their friends would say they’re insane and alarmingly codependent. Not untrue, but they don’t get it. And it’s not like he and Hanbin could go a long time without seeing each other, even if they wanted to. He’s been living with Hanbin for years. How are you supposed to go without seeing your roommate for a day? You live together.
So right now, Hanbin is on the other side of the building, getting ready to watch Hao walk down the aisle. He’s probably smiling like an idiot, if the last few days are anything to go by. His smile has been getting bigger and bigger in the days coming up to the wedding, to the point where Hao was concerned his cheeks are gonna cramp and freeze in that position permanently, like in one of those cartoons he used to watch as a kid.
Before he can say anything to Kuan Jui, the door opens and Hanbin’s mom walks into the room which is already swarming with people.
“Eomma,” Hao immediately straightens up. He really can’t look sick in front of his in-laws. “what are you doing here?”
“Oh, I was just with Binnie. I wanted to check in with you too.” She immediately starts fussing about Hao, as she usually does. She cups his cheek and smiles at him. She has whisker dimples when she smiles, just like Hanbin. It’s oddly comforting. “Are you ready to be Mr. Sung?”
Hao isn’t actually taking Hanbin’s name, but his boyfriend’s family loves calling him Sung. He thinks it’s pretty cute.
“We think he’s gonna faint.” Taerae chips in from his right before he can answer, like the traitor he is. Hao would kill him if he had more energy.
Of course, Hanbin’s mom immediately makes a worried face and starts ordering people to get him water, medicine, a portable fan (Sung’s and their portable fans, Hao thinks fondly) and a bunch of other things he definitely doesn’t need at the moment.
He appreciates her worry, he really does, but more physical contact and chaos in the room are the last thing he needs right now. Well, he wouldn’t mind physical contact with a certain person, but that’s off the table because of the stupid tradition. He can’t even be mad since he suggested the whole thing.
Hao tries to ignore the flurry of movement around him and focuses on the one thing he cares about. “How’s Hanbin doing?”
“Hasn’t stopped smiling since yesterday.” Hanbin’s mom says with a glimmer in her eyes. She loves her son so much. “Haven’t seen him this happy since I signed him up for that tutting class. You know…” and she launches into a story about young Hanbin, as Hao struggles to pay attention. He probably heard the story around a hundred times anyway, both from her and Hanbin himself.
Hao knows Hanbin isn’t in the same boat as him. Hanbin, as the most extroverted person on the planet, never gets nervous about anything. He shines the brightest when he’s surrounded by people and all the attention is on him - a natural performer.
And it’s not like Hao is a shy person. He doesn’t mind the occasional spotlight, especially if he has Hanbin by his side. Hanbin’s outgoing energy is addictive, and it’s easy to get carried away with him. But, unlike Hanbin, Hao’s social battery tends to drain rather quickly. After an exhausting day full of socializing, he needs time to recharge - preferably by laying in his bed in silence, cuddled up to Hanbin’s side.
The problem is that this has been impossible to achieve in the last few weeks. Turns out, planning a big wedding is a lot of work. The constant video calls and emails with the wedding vendors, cake tastings and rehearsals meant he didn’t have any time to decompress and gather his thoughts. The stress slowly started piling up and the big wedding he dreamed about suddenly felt like life or death.
Hao planned everything for months, wanting every single detail to be perfect for their special day - it’s what he and Hanbin deserved. The plan was flawless, in Hao’s humble opinion, but as it turns out reality can be quite different.
Of course everything had to start going south this morning when the flowers didn’t show up on time. Hao never really understood Murphy’s law until that moment; as it turns out, anything that can go wrong will really go wrong. First the flowers, the cake, then the seating arrangements - even his makeup looked disappointing in the mirror, despite the fact that he and Yuqi did three trials last week to figure out what looks best.
Hanbin suggested hiring a wedding planner. Hao said no, he wanted to take care of it himself, and save some money to use on other things. He thought he was being smart. He now sees that Hanbin was right, as he usually is.
“Hao hyung? Are you even listening?” Ricky says and he realizes there are voices around him. Probably asking him questions, judging by their worried faces.
Everything comes into focus again - the hands on him, everyone’s concerned eyes looking straight at him, the rush of people around the room. He feels trapped. He just wants to see Hanbin.
Three people start speaking at the same time.
“Hao dear, should I get you something to eat?” Hanbin’s mom asks, trying to push a glass of water in his hand.
“You feel a little hot.” Taerae says with a hand on his forehead, probably messing up his foundation and the bangs he spent thirty minutes perfecting.
“I told you to get a thinner suit jacket.” Yuqi’s voice comes, as she’s already trying to pull the blazer off of his uncooperative body.
While he’s trying to process everything around him, a lady comes into the already chaotic room and says “Mr. and Mrs. Min have arrived, but I can’t find their seats anywhere on the list.”
Apparently that’s as much as he can take at the moment. His breathing quickens and his vision fogs. He tries to recall the seating arrangement for the Min’s, but that just makes things worse. He feels a panic attack coming.
“Excuse me.” he says before grabbing his phone and heading straight for the door, as fast as his weak legs can take him.
Hao walks out the room and heads for the first door he sees in the empty hallway, which turns out to be a broom closet. He locks the door from the inside.
Slipping to the cold floor, he does what he should’ve done a long time ago, or at least before his vision started getting blurry - he texts Hanbin.
can you get out of there for a second
i need to call you
nothing serious dont panic
Not even a minute later, his phone rings with the familiar picture of Hanbin lighting up his screen. Hao stares at it for a few seconds before picking up.
“Hi, baby.” Hanbin’s voice, finally. It’s soft and laced with a bit of worry. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am,” Hao takes a few deep breaths. “I just… I was just a little overwhelmed. I needed to hear your voice.”
“Ah, okay.” Hanbin audibly relaxes. “You know we don’t have to keep doing this if you don’t want to. It’s just a stupid tradition, we can do whatever we want.” He pauses to make sure Hao knows it’s a serious offer. “If you want to see me I’ll be there.”
Hao does think about it for a second.
“I always want to see you.” It’s the most honest thing he’s said today. “But, it’s fine. We’ll see each other in half an hour anyway.” He doesn’t say that if he gave up now he would never hear the end of it from all of their friends. He wants to prove that he can go a day without seeing Hanbin, thank you very much. Although the fact that he is currently in a closet talking to him isn’t really working in his favour.
Hanbin understands. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
Too many things, Hao thinks. That’s the problem. But Hanbin knows this. So he tries to calm down and organize his thoughts. It’s always easier when he’s talking to Hanbin.
“I just really wanted today to be perfect.” is what Hao settles on. “We’ve been planning this for so long. I tried so hard to take care of everything. But then the flowers were late and the cake turned out to be wonky and my makeup doesn’t look how I wanted it to but I feel bad about telling Yuqi to fix my eyeshadow for the fourth time, and the seating arrangements are all messed up.” he lets out in one breath. “And now I’m lying on the floor of a broom closet breaking the only rule we had.”
“Hey, hey, hey.” Hanbin immediately cuts in. “First of all, you didn’t break any rules. We said we wouldn’t see each other. We didn’t say anything about talking. And fuck the rules.”
Hao snorts.
“Second,” he continues in a more serious tone. “none of that matters. We’re getting married today. No amount of wonky cakes or bad makeup can ruin this for us. We can cancel the whole thing and get married in our hotel room and it would still be the best day of my life. I just want to be your husband.”
“You’re being sappy.” Hao tries to deflect, but his heart suddenly feels too big for his chest. He knows that if he asked, Hanbin would really call off the wedding. In all these years, there has never been a Zhang Hao wish that Sung Hanbin didn’t fulfill.
It’s that thought that makes the tears finally come in. It was a matter of time, really.
Hanbin giggles. “Of course I’m being sappy. It’s my wedding day, silly. I’m just getting started.”
“Save it for the speech.” Hao tries to joke, but his voice betrays him. He’s sure Hanbin can hear the choke he’s trying to keep down in his throat. After all, Hanbin’s always been the best at reading Hao.
“Oh, you have no idea what you’re in for.” Hanbin teases, but his voice is gentle. “You’re gonna cry.”
“I’m already crying.” It’s kinda embarrassing, Hao really thought he was gonna make it at least until the vows.
“I know.” Hanbin sighs. Hao knows it’s killing him to listen and not be able to give Hao any physical comfort. “I really wish I was there.”
I wish you were here too, is what Hao thinks, but doesn’t say. He’s sure saying it out loud would be the final straw that makes Hanbin march over here. It’s just a half an hour more, he can survive.
They sit in silence for a while, Hao taking deep breaths and Hanbin trying to match him. Probably to make it easier for Hao if he loses the slow rhythm. Hao loves him so much.
Hanbin is the one that breaks the silence when he feels Hao’s breaths even out. “Hey.”
“Mhm.”
“I can’t wait to see you.”
“You’re gonna be blown away. I look really hot.” Hao tries to lighten the mood. It’s true, he looks amazing, despite the eye makeup, which is now probably smudged anyway. The suit was a bit of a splurge, but he knows it’s gonna be worth it. He picked the one Hanbin would like the most.
“You always look really hot. That’s why I proposed.”
“Shut up.” Hao laughs for the first time since parting with Hanbin yesterday. The air in the room suddenly feels ten times lighter.
It’s embarrassing how quickly just talking to Hanbin can make him feel better. He suddenly feels very dumb about thinking that taking away his biggest emotional support on the most stressful day would be a good idea. Of course they were gonna end up in this situation.
“Are you feeling better?” Hanbin asks, but he already knows the answer.
“Yeah. I feel really good.” His heart rate has returned to normal, or at least as normal as it can be around Hanbin. His mind feels clearer than ever.
Before Hao can continue, he hears a loud knock on the door and Ricky’s voice on the other side. “Are you in here?” Shit.
“I need to go.” Hao gets off the floor and tries to wipe the dust off of his pants. He doesn’t want to know when was the last time they cleaned this place. “They’re gonna think I’m making a run for it.”
Hanbin laughs. “As if.” He continues in a more serious tone. “See you soon. I love you.”
“I love you too.” It hits him that this is the last time they’re saying these words as boyfriends. It feels significant for some reason.
As he hangs up he hears Ricky talking to someone outside. “Oh my god, he’s talking to Hanbin. I’m gonna kill them both.”
(When Hao gets back to the room and opens his bag, he sees a protein bar he knows he didn’t put there.)
。。。
Half an hour later, Hao finds himself at the entrance of the venue, with his mom tightly holding his arm.
He looks straight ahead, past the sea of people who are turning around to steal a glance at the newly arrived groom. Their gazes, once suffocating, suddenly don’t have any weight. There’s only one gaze he can feel on him right now.
Hanbin is standing about twenty steps ahead, waiting patiently. He’s looking straight at Hao, like they’re the only two people in the room. It’s remarkable how after all these years, he never fails to take Hao’s breath away. He feels the warmth on his skin despite the early spring chill. Hao takes a moment to commit this scene to memory.
He thinks that time’s a tricky thing, trying to steal so much away from us. But in moments like these, time ceases to exist. He sees the present Hanbin, with eyes so full of love, waiting for him to enter the next chapter of their life together. He sees the Hao and Hanbin of the past - young, inexperienced, figuring out their place in this world, desperately clinging to each other, unaware of the happiness that lies ahead. And clearer than anything he sees the future; the rest of their lives, together.
He takes a step forward.