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The whole party Maddie has had one eye out for her brother. Two days ago she'd gotten a text from her husband, strangely formal, a beat by beat run down of a call: everything that went right alongside everything that went wrong culminating in Buck falling a short ways down a cliff. Her heart had choked up in her chest until about two seconds later Hen had sent her a photo of Buck looking scraped up and incredibly disgruntled, accompanied by a laugh crying emoji. She'd immediately tried to cancel or reschedule but Buck had been appalled at the idea of not celebrating Jee's fifth birthday oh my god Maddie, so here they all are, too much glitter and a perhaps unwise amount of cupcakes later.
He hasn't been particularly hard to keep an eye on. He'd tried to play with the kids but his obvious wincing pretty much every time he'd moved had turned a game of chase into an elaborate Grey's Anatomy set up, head surgeon Jee shrieking “We're losing him!” as Buck lolled his tongue out, limp-necked where he lay on the ground, and Chris tried not to laugh as he'd passed her party napkin gauze. Once he'd been miraculously cured he'd eaten some party food, Hen making a half-awed half-horrified face at him as he'd put an entire cupcake in his mouth.
Now, he's asleep.
Another thing she has observed: Eddie, sitting by the doctor game and watching like it really was good tv. Eddie, filling Buck's plate with food so he could not-entirely-surreptitiously lean against the wall and take weight off his leg. Eddie, on the couch, Buck's head in his lap, tracing his fingers over his cheekbone and through his hair in a gentle rhythm. When Chimney had got home after the call with the cliff he’d first apologized, grim-faced, that her brother had been hurt under his protection, everything always his fault these days (if one eye has been on Buck the other has been on Chim, and she’s glad to see him lighter holding the baby and celebrating their daughter.) But then he’d got a little smile on his face, something a tiny bit mischievous, and told her that before Buck could go off in the ambulance with Hen — just a precaution, make sure nothing had been knocked loose somewhere — Eddie had bent down over the gurney and kissed him. It wasn’t even a, like, first kiss kind of kiss! They’ve definitely been kissing!
They certainly seem familiar with each other now, though without knowing about the kiss she’s not sure she would find their little tangle odd. They’ve always orbited each other, leaned on each other. She’s sure this isn’t the first time she’s seen one of them use the other as a pillow. But maybe… there is something different about the intense but inscrutable way Eddie is staring down at her brother. She think’s she’s touched Howie’s cheek that gently, after a rough day at work. Eddie looks up and they both startle, Maddie unaware of how close she’d drifted and Eddie unaware of anything outside the man in his lap.
“Sorry,” she says. “Just… checking in.”
He follows her gesture back down to where Buck hasn’t stirred at all. “He didn’t sleep much last night. Sore.”
So they’ve been sharing a bed? “Nothing, like.. too concerning, though, right?”
Eddie smiles a little, first at Buck then up at Maddie. “No. He tried not to let me fuss but I’m pretty good at doing that anyway. Everything’s healing up the way it should.”
“That’s good.” The healing and the… knowing. Someone knowing her brother well enough to keep fussing. She hovers awkwardly for another moment and then sits down in a free armchair. “And, um- how long have…”
Eddie quirks an eyebrow like he genuinely doesn’t know what she’s implying and then blinks, cheeks rapidly turning pinker. “Uh.”
“Sorry,” she says, because, like, Eddie, who had a wife, and then a bunch of girlfriends, and Buck going out with Tommy was a surprise but maybe not a shock but Eddie is so… army. Various sports. Aforementioned wife. Got pizza stains on her new couch that one time. But, oh, what does she know. Rude, really, to take the scattered puzzle pieces you see of someone you don’t even know that well and assume you know the shape of the picture at the end. “I don’t mean to- to pry, or-”
“It’s fine,” he shrugs, smiling a little sheepishly. “I mean- well, I knew- when I did it we’d have to start talking about it, I guess.” He laughs, shrugs again. “But uh… how long? I think there’s a few answers to that. Or... it’s a few different questions”
“Oh yeah?”
Buck moves a little, stretching out his leg, and Eddie waits but he doesn’t seem to wake back up. “How long have I loved him? How long have I known that I love him? How long have we been, uh- seeing- seeing each other?”
Maddie tries not to smile at the old fashioned turn of phrase. “All different answers?”
Eddie nods. “I… I don’t know how long I’ve loved him, exactly. Since before I got shot, I think. I… let myself realize it last year, and by then… I mean, it feels like- like forever.” His voice is hushed, and he’s looking down at Buck again. His hand rests on the side of his face, unmoving. “Like it’s always been there, even though- I mean, I remember, I was still messed up about Shannon when we met, I was still in love with her, I wasn’t thinking about him like- like- like this.” He sighs, shakes his head, looks back up at Maddie. “But, uh- yeah, I’ve known it since last year, and we’ve been- saying it out loud to each other for about a month.” There’s a little fear in his eyes. A month. What a small thing. It’s so new. But, with a timeline, Maddie remembers Buck coming over for dinner a few weeks ago and the way he was… still. Calm. Not in the half-dead way he’d sometimes been since losing Bobby but… he’d walked in the door and smiled at her, tired but real, moving like he was fully inhabiting his body for the first time in a long time. One time when she’d visited the house while he was in high school the two of them had stayed up very late and on the couch in the dark he’d mumbled that he never felt like he fit right inside of himself, or that he and his body didn’t fit right in the world. That there was no space for him. She’d held him, Daniel burning in her heart, and said she’d always have space for him, but she’s not sure she always made that true. She remembers another party, Eddie’s house. Buck, not there as a guest but as someone who fit perfectly in any empty space Chris or Eddie wasn’t already filling. Another puzzle, a whole picture. A good picture. Happy. Or- full of the absence of loneliness.
“Oh, shit,” Eddie says, and she blinks — through tears? Oh — at him. “Fuck, are you okay? Sorry, I-”
“No, no, I’m sorry,” she says, wiping her eyes. “Ever since I had Robbie-” she scrunches her nose. “No, that’s a lie, I’ve always been a crier, ignore me.”
Eddie laughs a little, the kind of breathy unsure way. “Still. Sorry.”
She flaps her hand. “I’m glad you two… have each other. Found each other. He loves you a lot.”
Eddie smiles, real, awed. “He does.”
“You better love him a lot, too!” She frowns, points, effect probably ruined with her nose all red, and it does make Eddie laugh, but he sobers up quickly, looks at her seriously.
“I do. I really do. I’m going to do my best to… be good to him. He deserves… probably better than me, but he wants me, so I’m going to try and live up to that.”
“Good,” she says, raising her eyebrows and trying not to grin. “I’ve killed before, I could do it again.”
He laughs hard enough that Buck wakes up and joins in.