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“I’m not doing that, Murdoc!”
“Come on, Dents, just this one time! It’ll bother me for life if you don’t!”
2D sighed, running a hand through his electric-blue hair. Tiredly, he opened the door to the refrigerator, the bright LED lights of its interior making him squint his eyes. He could feel a migraine coming on.
If you had told the singer when he’d first joined (well, “joined” was a subjective term) that twenty-five years later he’d be stood in the kitchen of Kong Studios that was thought to have burnt down, being begged by Murdoc Niccals for a foot job, he’d have thought you were insane.
He’d have also asked if, per his predictions, there’d been some sort of event where all electronic instruments gained sentience, and took over the world. But, instead of being malevolent rulers, they were an alright sort, just playing nice tunes for everyone and such.
2D smiled to himself. That world would be a nice one, wouldn’t it?
“Are you even listening to me, you dullard?!”
2D sighed, and tried to clear his mind of any negative thoughts, like he did in all of those guided meditation sessions. Things hadn’t turned out all bad, had they? After all, here he was, forty-seven, about to eat a sandwich. That about summed up the hopes and dreams he’d had for himself since he was a kid.
Really, though, how had he gotten here, in this particular situation? The day had started off so normal, hadn’t it?
-----
It had all started approximately thirty minutes earlier. 2D had been in his room, playing Jenga with his pet mushroom, Paul.
Paul was always nice to hang out with, because Paul was always… well, nice. He made funny jokes, and had interesting views on life. Probably from being a spore-based lifeform. Sometimes, 2D wondered if he was some sort of fungal creature, if he’d be more worldly, but being a fungus would probably mean he couldn’t do people-based things as well, like singing, or eating corndogs and riding the dodgems, or getting thrown out of the funfair after accidentally throwing up the corndogs he’d eaten on that nice couple taking their wedding photos because he was too dizzy after the dodgems.
You know. People things.
Poking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth in pure concentration, 2D placed his thumb and index finger around the edge of a block, slowly wiggling it out of its place in the tower.
“A good start, Stuart. I wouldn’t have thought to go for that one.” Paul complimented from his seat across 2D. 2D smiled.
“Thanks, Paul. I jus’ picked it at random, really. I dun’ think Jenga has much strategy to it. Although, now that I’ve said that, I reckon not having a strategy could be a sort of strategy too, innit?” 2D mused, having safely moved the block out of the tower. “It’s your go, by the way.”
“That it is, comrade.” Paul assented, and then, slowly, began to form his arm. It was long and spindly one, spores slowly growing out of Paul’s stem in order to form the appendage. Then, with his lengthy, ethereal fingers, Paul began to trace the Jenga tower, searching for a piece to move.
“Careful, Paul, you might knock it over. One time I wasn’t careful, an’ I accidentally knocked the tower over on Russ while he was sleeping during a game with Noodle. One of the pieces ended up falling in his mouth an’ everything, an’ he nearly choked on it. He was well cross with me after that.” 2D recalled, thinking back to how Russel’s face had turned a shade as blue as his hair.
Noodle was still small at the time, so she had been able to jump on Russel’s stomach at lightning speed and dislodge the block, without harming him. It had been lucky she was there- 2D had panicked, and ended up spluttering out apologies to Russel for the rest of the day, until the drummer had forgiven him.
“I’ll remember that. Thank you for the kind advice, Stuart. You really are quite the clever one.” Paul wrapped his vine-like fingers around a block in the middle, and began to slowly tug at it.
“Oh, I’m not that clever. Murdoc once told me I was ‘in a league of my own,’ but I dunno if he was talking about sports or something. Plus, most of what I’ve learned is usually through doin’ things I wasn’t supposed to. Like that time with the fork and the toaster.” 2D admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. He knew he wasn’t as quick-witted as someone like Noodle, for instance, but that was alright; even though it took him a while to process things, sometimes that just made the journey of life stretch out a little bit longer, leaving more of it to be enjoyed.
“Oh, but you are clever, Stuart. You’re more clever than all of them. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not. Besides, don’t listen to that Niccals man. Just like all great empires, one day he’ll fall…” Dramatically, Paul whipped the block he’d been holding onto out of place. The tower didn’t so much as titter.
2D was silent for a moment, and then, “... You know, I thought- well, just coz of the bit you said about falling- I thought you were going to make the tower fall.”
“... That would defeat the purpose of the game, would it not?”
2D flushed a little, embarrassed. “O-Oh, I know that, it’s jus’ that… well, the way you took the block out and everything, all grand and whatnot… well, nevermind.”
“Listen, Stuart,” Paul interrupted, a sense of urgency in his mushroomy voice, “don’t you think those so-called ‘bandmates’ of yours are holding you back? Aren’t you tired of them always belittling you? Putting you down? Making you feel lesser?”
2D frowned, and shook his head. “They dun’ do that. Well, Murdoc does sometimes, but that’s just because it’s his passion in life. Like how you said yours was putting those funny little spores in the water supply that… uh, how did you put it? I forgot.”
“That open your mind. That make you see things as they should be seen.” Paul responded, and began to reach his arm towards 2D. “But now, I see that they haven’t worked as well as I would have liked them to. No matter. There’s no time like the present.” Suddenly, Paul began to emit what looked like some sort of purplish-green fumes. Countless other arms began to form out of his stem, all making their way towards 2D.
“I… I’m gonna get a present? What is it, then?” 2D murmured, suddenly feeling quite woozy. He rubbed at his eyes- it was getting hard to see through the sudden haze.
“The gift of knowledge. Of power. And all you need to do is let me help you, Stuart. Soon we will reign over this world together… all you need to do is get rid of them, Stuart. Get rid of the Gorillas.” Paul’s arms had wrapped around 2D’s arms at this point, and one of them was making its way dangerously close to the inside of 2D’s nostril.
2D blinked slowly. He felt funny. Like everything was all tingly, except he couldn’t move, and he couldn’t quite keep track of this conversation. “It’s Gorillaz, actually… with a Z… although I dunno how I could tell that you put an S at the end, actually… wait, get rid of-”
“KILL THEM ALL, STUART. KILL THEM ALL.”
Suddenly, the door to 2D’s room burst open, with a loud bang that caused the Jenga tower to topple over.
“DENTS! I NEED YOU!” Murdoc stood at the doorway, a frantic look in his eyes. He was gripping some sort of paper in his hand.
“Murdoc?” In the blink of an eye, it was as if 2D’s head had completely cleared up, and everything was back to normal. The room was no longer filled with mysterious gases, and Paul’s arms had seemingly retracted… wait, why had Paul had his arms around 2D in the first place? What had they been talking about, anyway?
Shaking his head, as if to clear out the fog of confusion (which was actually quite normal for him) 2D turned to face the bassist. “Did you need somethin’, Murdoc? Paul and I were jus’ in the middle of Jenga- you can join us, if you’d like.”
Murdoc waved him off frantically. “I don’t have time for Jenga, Faceache, I’ve just made the discovery of a lifetime! I- wait. Who in Satan’s name is Paul? You’re all alone in this sad excuse for a bedroom. Have you been putting those bath salts in your chips again?”
“They’re called salts, and we were all out of the regular kind, so I thought they might work,” 2D sulked. It hadn’t exactly been a highlight of his life when he’d been uncontrollably vomiting, and simultaneously tripping out because he’d needed something to flavor his chips with. “And you know who Paul is, Murdoc. He’s my pet mushroom. See?”
2D broadly gestured to Paul, who had fallen onto the floor in all the excitement.
Murdoc blinked.
“... I think I’ll be more careful not to hit that noggin of yours when I slap you around next time. Seems I’ve given you one too many knocks to the old nut.” Murdoc muttered, a slightly concerned look on his face.
“That’s nice of you, Murdoc.” 2D smiled. “Like I said, you can join in on our next round, if you’d like. After we rebuild the tower, I mean. Paul’s well good at movin’ those little blocks just right.”
“With what arms?! It’s a fucking mushroom, for Satan’s sake- look, I’m not entertaining this braindead drivel any longer. I’ve just had a life changing experience, yeah?” Murdoc waved his arms around dramatically, as if to prove it.
“A life changing experience?” 2D asked, cocking his head to the side in a puppy-like fashion. Then, he sobered, looking at Murdoc with pity. “Oh, Murdoc, I’m so sorry… I know you’re getting a bit older an’ all that, but erectile dysfunction is nothin’ to be ashamed of. That nice lady in those TV commercials said so and everything.”
“NOT THAT, YOU KNOBJOCKEY! I AM NOT ERECTILE-Y DISFUNCTIONAL, NOR WILL I EVER BE!” Murdoc shouted, and slapped 2D upside the head sharply with the paper he was holding.
2D yelped, covering his head with his arms. So much for Murdoc avoiding it. “I was just guessing, Murdoc! You don’t… you don’t have to get all heated about it!”
“Well, maybe I wouldn’t get so heated if you used some damn common sense! You should know better than anyone that Murdoc Niccals has never failed once at getting it up! And this time’ll be no different- here!” With that grandiose statement, Murdoc belligerently thrust the previously weaponized paper into 2D’s hands.
Confused, 2D unfolded it, doing his best to smooth out the creases. It was that sort of thick, glossy paper that you’d see in magazines. On it was… a picture of a woman wearing an open-toed, lavender sandal.
Murdoc’s life changing discovery was… this? 2D took a moment to consider this. “Well, you do always wear all black, Murdoc… it might be good to change up your wardrobe once in a while. I think you’d look well fit in these.”
Murdoc slapped a hand to his forehead. “Satan give me patience… not the shoes, Stuart. The feet. Look at the feet.”
“The feet?” 2D felt even more puzzled than before. The feet in the picture were… normal feet. The toenails were painted a cherry red. “... I dun’ see nothing special about them, Murdoc.”
“Well, I did.” Murdoc enthused, eyes wide. A passionate, excited expression had taken place on Murdoc’s face.
And then… and then. Murdoc had gone on a long, sordid tale, about how he’d been in line at the shop to buy his usual pack of Lucky Lungs, when a magazine cover piqued his interest.
“Something about those feet just… they made me feel things, Dents!” Murdoc had now sat down next to 2D, running a hand through his hair. He sounded almost desperate.
2D frowned, drawing his knees up to his chest. It wasn’t unusual for Murdoc to go on and on about the countless people he wanted to shag, and 2D usually didn’t mind all that much. Murdoc had always been that way.
Their relationship had always been a difficult one to define. They’d started shagging around the time they’d begun to work on their first album. It had been an unspoken agreement that there were no strings attached, it was purely for pleasure, and that they (mainly Murdoc) would see whoever else they saw fit. Still, rather foolishly, 2D had begun to harbor feelings for Murdoc… complicated, at times negative ones, but romantic feelings nonetheless.
Then, as they gotten on in years, things had changed. 2D couldn’t quite say when the change had taken place, but it seemed as if there might be a possibility that Murdoc reciprocated these feelings, at least in his own twisted way. While they still fought, and they still had sex, it felt like the years had calmed them both down a bit, to a degree. Sometimes, they would go on outings, just the two of them, and at least a quarter of them didn’t end with them in bed. While 2D hadn’t really been seeing anyone but Murdoc, it also seemed that Murdoc had taken a preference to “making his dick at home in 2D”, as he’d put it.
They’d never put a name to it. Even when 2D reached for Murdoc’s hand, and Murdoc didn’t immediately swat him away, they’d never had a conversation about it. But something had changed, and 2D had to admit, he liked it. But… Murdoc “feeling things?” For someone else? Deep down, 2D felt his heart clench a little.
“Things like… like love?” 2D asked, trying to mask the slight sadness he was feeling.
Murdoc scoffed, rolling his eyes comically. “Love? Oh, please, who needs that load of toss! No, Dents, this is something far more powerful than that- lust. Pure, unadulterated lust.”
2D laughed. “Good one, Murdoc! That’s funny…”
Suddenly, 2D found his bony shoulders being gripped in Murdoc’s hands, Murdoc staring at him with an intense expression.
Oh. Oh, he’s serious.
“I’m telling you, Dents. When I saw those feet, I felt something swell within me. Well, within my loins, so to speak. I got so unbelievably hard that I nearly knocked the bird in front of me out of the line. I mean, I’m telling you, scout’s honor, my cock grew to the size of… of…” Quickly, Murdoc pulled his smartphone out of his pocket.
“Hey Siri, what’s the, erm, biggest monument in the good ol’ U-S-of-A?” Murdoc asked, speaking louder than he needed to into his phone.
“Sorry, I could not find anything for ‘mom and son gay.’ Would you like to try-”
“Oh, sod off. Useless piece of junk.” Murdoc grumbled, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. (2D held himself back from making some sort of smart remark about how Murdoc’s old age was catching up with him, because in reality, he wasn’t all that great with technology either.)
Besides, there were more pressing matters at hand.
“You… you got turned on… because of feet?” 2D questioned in disbelief, trying to make sure what he was saying was correct.
“I could hardly believe it myself. But alas, the cock wants what it wants, and all that sappy garbage. You know how the saying goes. Anyways, that’s why I need you, Stuart.” Murdoc grinned, tracing his long tongue over his lips.
2D felt his stomach drop. “Why… why do you need me, Murdoc?”
Murdoc raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t it obvious? I want you to rub your feet on my cock.”
-----
Which brought them back to the present.
“I’m not gonna do it, Murdoc! It’s… it’s weird!” 2D groaned, reaching into the fridge and pulling out a package of sliced deli meat, as well as a jar of mayonnaise. Somehow, after he’d refused the first time, Murdoc had ended up following him around the house for what felt like years, repeatedly making his case and pestering him.
Murdoc crossed his arms, shaking his head in disapproval. “You know, I’ve got to say, Stuart, this is an absolutely hideous color on you- and before you ask, no, I’m not talking about the shirt you’re wearing. I’m talking about your attitude.”
2D whipped around to face Murdoc, shocked. “I… you can’t be saying that to me, Murdoc. You of all people… you booed that little girl at the karaoke place!” he sputtered.
“Well, she was a rubbish singer.” Murdoc stuck his nose up in the air, all holier-than-thou.
“It was her birthday! She was ten!” 2D lamented, before taking a deep breath and grabbing a butter knife. He began to spread mayonnaise on a slice of bread. “It’s just too out there for me, Murdoc.”
“Life is out there, for fucks sake! We live in a haunted studio infested with zombies and the like, and you cross the line at giving your best pal Murdoc a little rub with those dogs of yours? For shame, Stuart, for shame!” Murdoc hissed, having the audacity to look offended. “You know, a man only gets the pleasure of discovering a fetish for the first time once-”
“-I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I know for a fact that you have a glossary on different kinks that you want to try.” Noodle had walked into the room, absentmindedly eating a bag of tortilla chips. “By the way, just so you know, there’s going to be a photographer coming by later to photograph Kong, now that it’s back. So you might want to stop talking of such things, at least for the moment.”
“What? When’d you find that, love?” Murdoc asked, momentarily distracted. The photographer comment went unacknowledged.
“When I was ten. You left it in the living room. I thought inflation was something you did to the economy… oh, how wrong I was.” Noodle shuddered, a dark shadow passing over her face.
“Okay, for the record, that particular fetish never struck my fancy, as they say. I am a man of high standards, after all.” Murdoc responded haughtily.
“You want me to give you a bloody foot job, Murdoc!” 2D yelled, pausing his momentary sandwich making.
“What.” Noodle’s mouth hung open, a half-eaten tortilla chip falling out. Katsu, who had followed her into the kitchen, happily gobbled it up from the floor.
“I’m tired of being shamed for who I am! I can’t help how I feel, alright?! If my pants grow tighter at the sight of someone’s hoof, is that such a crime? Sue me! Sue Murdoc Niccals for having desires! For daring to improve himself! But know this- to live is to experiment. To live is to try new things. To live… is to… well, you get the bloody point, alright?” Murdoc grumbled, clearly running out of steam for what had seemed to be a promising speech. “What’s got you so hung up about this, anyway? We’ve done far weirder.”
“It just doesn’t seem… I dunno, sexy to me, that’s all. I mean, I dun’ mind doin’ something to make you happy, but it just… it’s like… it’s like the garbanzo bean incident!” 2D stammered, trying to properly articulate how he felt.
“Oh, again with the sodding garbanzo bean incident! When are you going to let it go? It was one time!” Murdoc shouted, the picture of exasperation.
“What in god’s name is the garbanzo bean incident?” Noodle cut in, a horrified look on her face. Oh, right, Noodle was still here- 2D felt a vague sense of shame. He probably shouldn’t have been so openly divulging details about his sex life in front of her, but in all fairness, Murdoc was demanding quite a bit of his attention right now.
“First off, language. Second, it was just a bit of a misunderstanding. You know how our dear Stu Pot is, he gets things mixed up…” Murdoc smiled unconvincingly at Noodle, clearly trying to placate her and stop the story in its tracks.
“It wasn’t a misunderstanding, Murdoc! I wish I had misunderstood it… now I can’t look at garbanzo beans the same…” 2D sulked.
The garbanzo bean incident, as Murdoc went on to explain, had taken place during one of their aforementioned outings. 2D had convinced Murdoc to go to some new-fangled health food restaurant. Murdoc was understandably annoyed at this, and was even more so upon 2D insisting that he order for him.
2D had chosen to get them both a garbanzo bean salad, claiming it was his favorite dish off the menu. Murdoc had thought nothing of it, but upon the dish being placed on his table, his eyes had fixated upon the little beans.
(“They… they stirred something within me.” Murdoc urged, a faraway look in his eyes.)
As Murdoc put it, when you looked at garbanzo beans a certain way, they held a faint resemblance to… an arse. And, moreover, the little dent on the top of the bean just so happened to look like an arsehole. Which, naturally, and understandably, had gotten Murdoc so, well, riled up, that he hadn’t been able to eat without perverted, sex-filled thoughts flooding his brain. Really, these little beans were practically teasing him, with their genitalia-like shapes, how could he not want to bed someone?!
(“It happens to everyone at some point, alright?! You’ll understand when you’re older.” Murdoc insisted. “I’m thirty-five, and I have never once felt something close to what you’re speaking of.” Noodle responded dryly.)
So, to quell the lust within him, as anyone would do in his position, Murdoc had dragged 2D to the toilets in the middle of their meal, and the two had gotten down and dirty. To 2D, this was an unexpected but scandalous surprise. They were no stranger to having sex in public, so he’d been enjoying himself.
And Murdoc had been too! He’d had 2D pressed up against the bathroom wall, his back towards him, and his cock buried deep in 2D’s arse, thrusting deeply as 2D tried to stifle his moans with his hand.
(“OKAY, I don’t need to hear this part!” Noodle yelled, covering her ears with her hands. “Well, someone doesn’t appreciate a good story.” Murdoc scoffed.)
The thing was… as Murdoc pounded the singer into oblivion, he’d opened his eyes in a lust-filled haze, gazing upon the singer’s arse. Before, he’d compared it to a satsuma, but now…
“Oh, I-I’m gonna… I’m gonna fuck your garbanzo, Stuart…” Murdoc had groaned, stopping 2D in his tracks, who had slowly turned around to look at him with a horrified expression.
Then, of course, Murdoc had gotten irritated that 2D wasn’t in the mood anymore, because it was a fucking compliment, and 2D was thoroughly turned off, and a little insulted that the only reason Murdoc had chosen to fuck him in that particular moment was because he’d gotten turned on by their meal, and the two had ended up fighting loudly and getting kicked out of the restaurant.
“And that’s the garbanzo bean incident. See? Not such a depraved little story like this dullard made it out to be. Understandable, really.” Murdoc finished with a grand flourish, as if he’d just finished writing The Odyssey.
Noodle stared at Murdoc, the man who was like a father figure to her. Well, not a great one, but a father figure nonetheless. She stared at 2D, who had been like a big brother to her since she was small.
“... Sometimes I wish you guys left me in that FedEx crate.” she said simply, and walked out the room.
“What’s wrong with her?” 2D asked. Murdoc shrugged.
“Annnnyways, back to the matter at hand.” With that, Murdoc snatched the sandwich 2D had been making from his hands.
“Hey! I was gonna eat that, you know?” 2D whined, but made no move to get his meal back. With someone like Murdoc, it was easier to just let him have what he wanted, and make another one.
“Look. If you do this for me, I’ll do that zombie thing you’ve been pestering me about.” Murdoc said simply, staring into 2D’s eyes.
The zombie thing? The zombie thing…
The zombie thing.
That changed everything.
2D felt his cheeks heat up a bit, and he nervously fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “You’re… you’re not having a laugh or nothing, right? You really mean you’ll do it?”
Murdoc nodded. “Cross my heart, hope to die, give a Christian cursed pie, an’ allat.”
“And you’ll… you’ll commit to it, right? Like… like, you’ll do the thing I talked about with me guts an’ everything?” 2D asked urgently. He could feel his heart beginning to pound excitedly.
Murdoc rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’ll bloody commit- I’ll commit you to a fucking ward. I can’t actually tear your guts out, unless you have a death wish.”
“I’ll buy some. Er, fake guts, I mean. Like they use in films.” 2D insisted. God, he could already feel his pants beginning to tighten at the thought of it.
“Look, your vaguely necrophiliac wishes are my command, Stu Pot. Just as long as you do this one thing for me.” Murdoc smirked, waving the magazine page in front of 2D’s face teasingly.
2D sighed, and pondered the whole ordeal.
Really, Murdoc was right. They had done far weirder (2D thought fondly to when Murdoc had led him around on a leash, letting him chase ducks in the park) but somehow, using his… well, his feet to pleasure Murdoc had never been something he ever thought he would do. It just seemed a little… off-kilter. Not attractive, or particularly exciting, just strange.
But, well, Murdoc probably felt the same way about the whole zombie thing, and he was willing to go all in, wasn’t he? And it wasn’t as if Murdoc’s request was as… complicated and high-budget as 2D’s. So…
2D sighed. “Fine. I’ll… I’ll do it, Murdoc.”
Murdoc grinned. “Just what I wanted to hear, dove- you do know how to make me happy, I’ll give you that. Now, shall we head to my winnie? I believe we’ve got some business to attend to.”
-------
“... so, do I just… take them off?” 2D asked.
The two were in Murdoc’s winnebago, sat on his bed. They were both buck naked, save for 2D’s socks. 2D shifted uncomfortably- Murdoc’s winnebago was always in a state of disarray. The air stank of booze and cigarettes, and he could feel how stiff the sheets of Murdoc’s bed were underneath him, indicating they clearly hadn’t been washed.
In the back of his mind, he wondered if it wasn’t too late to ask Murdoc to move this whole situation to his room, but he knew doing so would just serve to irritate the bassist.
Murdoc glared at him. “No, you keep them on and do some funny little jig. Yes, take the damn socks off! We already had to wait this long for the polish to dry- if we wait any longer, it’ll be Christmas.”
“I’m excited for this year’s Christmas, actually. Me mum and dad want me to come ‘round so I can see the whole family again. It’s been ages since I saw ‘em last- I think they’ll get a kick out of seeing me again.” 2D rambled on, his train of thought already derailed from imagining the Christmas crackers his mom would buy every year.
Sometimes, if he was lucky, he’d get some sort of neat little puzzle. Last year, he’d gotten a slide puzzle he’d never been able to finish, but he was about ninety percent sure the picture would have been of a duck, or some sort of fruit.
The sound of silence hit 2D’s ears, and he looked up, taken out of his own little world. Murdoc had that look on his face that he’dd only gotten in recent years; the one where you could tell he was using every ounce of patience he had to not knock 2D across the face.
It made 2D’s heart feel lighter. Murdoc really was trying to improve himself, wasn’t he?
“Oh! Right. Sorry, Murdoc.” 2D gave him a sheepish grin, and then took off his socks. He tried to do it slowly- the least he could do was give Murdoc a good show.
His feet were… feet. That was all that could be said about them, at least to someone who didn’t have an affinity for the appendage. True to the magazine photo, they’d painted 2D’s toenails a nice shade of red, so that was alright, he supposed.
Murdoc stared at his feet. 2D watched him anxiously, and then started to fidget. “Is something wrong, Murdoc? We put the polish on, like you wanted.”
Murdoc looked up at him, as if he’d been lost in thought, and then shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong. I just thought I’d- well, it’s fine. Why don’t you just sit there pretty and I’ll get myself started, yeah?”
2D nodded, and watched Murdoc, unsure of what else to do. Murdoc took his cock in his hand and began to stroke himself, still… staring at 2D’s feet.
… This wasn’t exciting at all. Usually, even just watching Murdoc get himself off would turn 2D on, but having him just… staring so intensely at his feet just felt off-putting, and killed any potential there was for 2D to enjoy this.
Well, this was more for Murdoc than for him, he supposed.
As Murdoc stroked himself, 2D’s mind wandered. He thought back to his home in Crawley, the foods his mum would make for the holidays, how he might like to take the band with them, if they wanted… it would be nice to show everyone where he’d grown up. Maybe that old hamburger restaurant was still open…
“Fuckin’ hell… you wanker, why don’t you just…”
2D opened one eye (had he began to doze off?) and saw Murdoc, furiously stroking himself, before groaning, running a hand through his greasy fringe.
“Murdoc?” 2D asked, concerned, and placed a hand on his shoulder. It wasn’t like Murdoc to take so long, anyhow. “...Did I, erm, do something wrong?”
“Yes, you- no, I- well, I don’t know, do I?!” Murdoc barked out in frustration, shaking 2D’s hand off. “Maybe… maybe if you actually got off your arse and did something, I wouldn’t still be as flaccid as whatever you have resembling a brain of yours, now would I?!”
2D looked down at Murdoc’s crotch, and… oh. Murdoc really hadn’t been lying, had he?
Kindly, 2D looked at Murdoc. “Like I said before, Murdoc, erectile dysfunction is nothing to-”
“Would you stop it with that?!” Murdoc hissed, raising his hand as if he were about to strike 2D, before groaning and lowering it. “Look. You can’t just expect me to do all the damn work, now can you? In a relationship, there has to be effort on both bloody sides, so-”
2D felt his heart skip a beat, and a sly smile crept up on his face. “You… you think we’re in a relationship, Muds?”
Murdoc blinked twice, as if realizing what he’d just said. Then, he looked away, lightly swatting the back of 2D’s head. “Obviously… obviously that’s not what I meant, was it? Are two dogs dry humping in the Tesco carpark in a relationship?”
“They could be. I watched this documentary on how dogs are actually quite clever animals. Did you know that they can understand over a hundred words?”
Murdoc snorted. “So they’re already off to a better start than you, yeah? Look… I’m a ‘hands-on’ type. Well, guess in this case it’d be ‘foot-on,’ yeah? So why don’t you make yourself useful and get to rubbing?”
“Rubbing?” 2D asked, before realizing what Murdoc meant. “Oh! Um… sure. I ‘sppose I can do that.”
And then, rather unceremoniously, 2D sort of… plopped his foot on Murdoc’s cock. It sat there limply, and 2D wasn’t sure if he should say something or not.
There was a brief moment of silence between the two. It felt as if the room was getting colder, somehow. Somewhere in the room, 2D could hear the buzz of a housefly.
“Well, what are you waiting for?! Rub!” Murdoc snapped, although there was something in his tone that sounded a bit… anxious? 2D couldn’t quite tell; either way, he swallowed nervously and started to rub his foot against Murdoc’s length.
God, I hope I’m doing this right. 2D thought to himself. How was he even supposed to know if he was? It wasn’t as if there was some sort of guide for this sort of thing, and besides, all he’d ever used his feet for were walking, dancing, and the occasional yoga class with Noodle.
“Don’t just… don’t just rub in one place!” Murdoc demanded, interrupting his train of thought. 2D startled a bit.
Murdoc still wasn’t hard at all.
“Well… where should I rub, then?” 2D asked, feeling a little frustrated. It was beginning to seem like Murdoc himself didn’t even know what he wanted 2D to do.
“Do I have to do all the work for you?” Murdoc grunted. “Just… just try working the tip a bit, or something.”
2D sighed, wishing he was back in his room, playing Jenga with Paul. Doing the best he could, he rubbed his toes on Murdoc’s tip. All this rubbing was starting to make his foot feel like it was going to cramp up.
“... You’re doing it too soft.” Murdoc said. His voice was quieter, somehow, but upon looking at his expression, Murdoc just seemed… disappointed? Nervous? He certainly didn’t look turned on, that was for sure. “Can’t you go any harder?”
Now, 2D was beginning to feel anxious. Was the reason Murdoc was so painfully soft because he was somehow failing at this? This was all new to him, too! Still, he felt a need to make this worthwhile, for the both of them- it was getting humiliating at this point, having failed so miserably. Unfortunately, in his sudden urge to prove himself, instead of rubbing any harder, he ended up accidentally flailing his foot, kicking Murdoc right in the balls.
“FUCK!” Murdoc yelled, hunched over in pain. “WHAT IN SATAN’S NAME DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!”
“I-I didn’t mean to, Murdoc, honest! I just… I just…” 2D stuttered, not sure if it would be better to run away or stay and beg for forgiveness. Closing his eyes tightly, he inhaled. His mum had always taught him that honesty was the best policy. When he was a kid, he hadn’t quite understood what she’d meant by this, but now he saw that in his mother’s infinite wisdom, she’d been preparing him for this very situation all along: telling Murdoc he just wasn’t into feet.“I hate this, I really do! It’s just… it’s just not my fancy, and it’s not exciting at all! I’m sorry, Murdoc, I really am… I tried to make it good for you, but…”
“I hate it too. Satan, I hate it so much.” Murdoc said quickly, as if he was out of breath, causing 2D to look at him quickly, eyes wide.
“You do…?” Had he heard that right? “But I thought… I thought this was what you wanted.”
“I thought I wanted it, too!” Murdoc groaned, a desperate and despairing look on his face. “I mean, when I tell you how absolutely rock hard I was when I saw that picture-”
“I get it, Murdoc.” 2D interrupted, not really wanting a repeat of before. Best to nip it in the bud.
“And now, here I am, soft as the day I was born! I mean, I just don’t get it! I thought this was some sort of dark, unexplored desire I had deep within me, and yet… I don’t get it! I just don’t! It’s a damn appendage, and a shit one at that! There’s nothing to get my rocks off about at all!” Murdoc flopped onto the bed defeatedly. “I mean, it was like what you were saying all along. It’s just damn weird for me. Nothing about this has been remotely exciting, just fucking painstaking.”
2D sighed in relief, and laid down tentatively next to Murdoc. “I get it, Muds. Sometimes, you think you’ll really like something, and then once you try it you don’t. It’s like that one time I tried to give my hamster I had when I was in primary school a piece of chocolate, coz he seemed to really sniff at it whenever I ate some.”
Lazily, Murdoc turned to look at 2D. It was as if the whole ordeal had sucked the energy out of him, and he’d completely given up. “What happened then?”
“He died. Threw him a nice funeral with my mates from school, an’ flushed him down the toilet like you’re ‘spposed to. It was beautiful, really. I played him a song on the keyboard I got for Christmas an’ everything.”
“Oh.”
There was another moment of silence, before Murdoc let out a long, exhausted sigh.
“I mean, we tried everything, didn’t we? … Unless.” Murdoc trailed off, his tone taking a turn for the more devious.
“Unless what?” 2D asked warily, propping his head up against his hand. He didn’t like where this was going.
“I mean, I’ve always been a giver, right? You’d agree, wouldn’t you?”
“...Not really, no.”
“Maybe if I just… well, give you a little rub with these salty old dogs of mine instead-”
“What?! No!” 2D sat up lightning quick. “No way am I letting you do that, Murdoc! Your feet are disgusting!”
“I resent that statement! I’ll have you know I’ve had rave reviews from those birds at the massage parlor!” As if to prove this point, Murdoc thrust his foot in 2D’s face.
Disgusting didn’t even begin to describe it. His toenails were long and yellow, there were patches of black hair sprouting out below his toenails, and there seemed to be some sort of boil on his big toe.
“No. No way. No.” 2D repeated, forcing himself to look away. The sight was too much to bear.
Murdoc rolled his eyes. “Oh, don’t be such a priss. They aren’t so bad, just- just let me-”
2D felt something long and sharp scrape against his cock. He screeched.
“GET YOUR TOE NAILS AWAY FROM ME, YOU OLD GOTH! THEY’RE GONNA SCRATCH ME AN’ GIVE ME SOME SORT OF DISEASE!” With all the strength he could muster, he kicked his foot blindly at Murdoc, trying to keep him away.
“STOP BEING DRAMATIC! I’VE BEEN GANGRENE FREE SINCE JANUARY, ALRIGHT!” Murdoc insisted, attempting to wrestle 2d to bring him closer, as 2D yanked at his hair in an attempt to push him away.
“THAT’S RECENTLY, MURDOC! THAT’S RECENTLY!!”
“JUST LET ME RUB MY FEET ON YOUR COCK! IT’S FOR SCIENCE, 2D!”
Suddenly, there was a creaking noise. The two bandmates paused their squabble, only to see the door to Murdoc’s winnebago opening.
Russel had walked in, a young looking photographer in tow. “Alright man, here’s Murdoc’s winnie. Don’t know why you wanted to get shots of this place, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when you smell- WOAH! WHAT THE FUCK, YOU TWO!” Upon seeing the scene in front of him, Russel immediately covered his eyes, turning away.
The photographer simply stared at the two, jaw to the floor. 2D stared at the photographer. Murdoc stared at the photographer. The various demons under Murdoc’s bed that he had summoned stared at the photographer.
2D was at a loss. He had to do what he could to salvage the situation somehow, but what?
“Um… hello.” 2D said lamely, offering the photographer a weak smile.
Slowly, the photographer lifted his camera, and then…
Click!
-------
“We have a new album coming out, man! How the hell are we supposed to explain this to the fans?!” Angrily, Russel thrust his smartphone at 2D and Murdoc. On the screen was an article entitled, “FOOT-RELATED FEUD, OF FEETASTIC FUCKFEST? Murdoc Niccals and Stuart ‘2D’ Pot from Gorillaz found in the middle of foot-fetish related intercourse, months before the release of their ninth studio album.” Below this was a picture of 2D and Murdoc, completely nude, mid-fight, each with a foot on the other’s dick. 2D, of course, was pictured smiling like an idiot, while Murdoc had his teeth bared like some sort of rabid animal.
More incriminatingly was a quote from Murdoc, which the photographer had apparently remembered word for word: “ ‘Just let me rub my feet on your cock!’- Murdoc Niccals, 2025.”
“The article hasn’t come out yet, but that photographer dude just sent me an advanced copy! What are we supposed to do with this?!”
2D buried his head in his hands and moaned. “Everyone’s gonna think I’m some sort of… some sort of…!”
“Foot fetishist?” Noodle offered calmly, sipping at a mug of tea. They were all sat on the couch. It was rare that everyone showed up to a band meeting, but this situation called for all hands on deck.
“Yeah, a foot fetishist! Thanks, Noodle, that was helpful of you.” 2D said gratefully.
“You’re welcome, Toochii. If it makes you feel better, your expression in that photograph is very sweet. It shows that, despite any depravity you may engage in, you have a pure soul.” Noodle gave 2D a soft smile, before getting up to go refill her mug.
“A pure soul…” 2D mumbled to himself, before coming to a sudden realization. “Oh god, my mum's gonna see this! How am I gonna explain this to her?!” With that, he flopped face first onto the couch cushions. Maybe if he tried hard enough, they would suffocate him.
“At least Dee’s got the sense to be ashamed about all of this! But you? You haven’t said a damn word since we got here!” Russel said to Murdoc. “What do you have to say for yourself?!”
Murdoc, who had had his head buried in his hands the whole time, slowly lifted it out of his hands, a look of clarity on his face. “I… I've got it! I’ve got it!”
“Got what? An apology?” Russel snarked.
“A solution?” 2D asked, hopefully.
“A garbanzo?” Noodle called from the kitchen.
“No, I’ve got where I went wrong! 2D, what if it wasn’t the feet at all, but the shoe in the bloody picture? Listen… if I buy you a pair, do you think you could-”
No one could say that Murdoc didn’t deserve the slap to the face that Russel gave him.
Or that the company the photographer worked for didn’t deserve the vicious slashing of all their servers with Noodle’s katana, as well as the note written in perfect kanji saying that if they dared to release the article, they’d have the full wrath of one super soldier and one mountain cat upon them.
Ah, the things you did for the people you loved.