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The officers gathered around the note left behind in the latest bank robbery. It wasn’t a calling card of any rogue they recognised but the contents of the message was enough to catch their interests.
“Well, this one sure is direct,” the uniformed cop uttered.
“Not direct enough, if you ask me,” another joked.
“I never heard of Cluemaster before, but I will pray for him to rest in peace. Ain’t no way he’s surviving the night once the other rogues catch wind of this,” the last predicted, only half joking.
Noticing the officers standing around and not doing anything, a detective yelled, “Oi, what’re you all looking at?”
“A note from the culprit, Sir!”
Detective Martinez stomped over to their huddle. “Let me have a look.” He snatched the note and squinted at it. “Solve my clue and find me, Batman. I’ll be waiting for you XOXO, Cluemaster.”
The officers snickered as though they just heard a note being passed around a classroom being read aloud by a teacher.
“Well… he wasn’t so upfront about his Batman obsession last time but the M.O checks out.”
“You know who Cluemaster is?”
Martinez nodded. “He was active once or twice before you lot joined the force. Barely made the news honestly. Last I heard, he was in Blackgate but I guess he’s gotten out. I’ll let Commish know Cluemaster’s back on his bullshit again and get him the pass on the note.”
“Oooh, can we be there when he reads it? Please? I have to see Batman’s reaction to the love note!”
Martinez smacked the back of the officer’s head. “Some professionalism, please… I’ll let you know how it goes down.”
“Fuck yeah!”
Commissioner Gordon flipped the switch to the batsignal and lit a cigarette as he waited for the Bat to arrive. He smoked through it quicker than advised, and felt a little heady from the rush of nicotine, but the Robins had a bad habit of stealing his cigarettes and throwing them off the roof, so he wasn’t taking any chances. And there was no way Jim was dealing with those gremlins without the nicotine, especially not with the note he was about to deliver to the big menace.
“Commish, you smell disgusting,” a snotty voice rudely informed him from behind.
Jim turned around and very admirably did not knock that red hood off the brat’s head. “I’ve caught you with a lit cigarette in your hands enough times to know you have no right to say that, brat.”
“Hood,” Batman grunted, disapproval apparent in the thinning of his lips.
Red Hood’s shoulders rose to his ears defensively. “Just because I was holding a cigarette, doesn’t mean I smoked it.”
“Little Wing…” Nightwing and Black Bat joined Batman in giving Red Hood disappointed gazes. Robin simple stood to the side to discreetly laugh at his brother.
“Half the time, it’s Commish’s ciggies! And I’m only stealing them so he can’t smoke them. He’s supposed to be quitting, remember?”
Before the brat could turn the conversation back to Jim’s smoking habits, he shoved a case file into Batman’s hands. “I’ve got a break-in at the bank. Culprit left a note for you.”
Better they got outraged at this than try to make him quit again.
Black Bat narrowed her eyes at Jim but allowed the shift in topic, leaning against her father as they read through the case file.
“Is he flirting with you?” Nightwing exclaimed.
“Ew.” Robin shivered dramatically.
“Is he five or what? There’s no poetry or romance in this note at all!” Red Hood criticised.
Nightwing swung his arm around his brother’s shoulder. “Alright, Shakespeare, no need to go all English teacher on us right now. There’s a damn creep trying to woo our dad!”
Batman grunted. “I’m sure it’s not a love note, or whatever you seem to think this is. Cluemaster was only interested in my identity the last time we crossed paths.”
Black Bat pointed at the X and O’s on the note and looked askance at Batman.
“A lot of people sign their letters off with hugs and kisses,” excused Batman.
“Gothamites don’t,” Robin chirped.
Batman grunted. “This must be part of the clue.”
“It better be,” Red Hood said darkly. “Knock off Riddler will stay in his lane if he knows what’s good for him!”
Paper straw hater @fkthemturtles
No idea who Cluemaster is but I know he’s down bad
[Photo of a graffiti on a wall. It reads: CLUEMASTER X BATMAN. The words are written with purple spray paint and surrounded by big swirling hearts.]
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Xander @Weewoo
No fucking way
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Xander @Weewoo
This guy’s the reason the birds are hissing like cats while looking for clues at the crime scene lmao
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Xander @Weewoo
He fucking left a love note as a clue to Batman 💀
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Curious bystander @nosybitch
1) Who tf is Cluemaster 2) LOVE NOTE? 3) Are you tweeting while at work??
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Xander @Weewoo
1) My superior says he’s a rogue that leaves clues as a MO 2) Literally told Batman to find him and signed it off with XOXO 3) Mind your own business
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Curious bystander @nosybitch
So he’s basically the Riddler?
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Paper straw hater @fkthemturtles
Imagine becoming a rogue just to get in the Bats pants lol
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Paper straw hater @fkthemturtles
Couldn’t even find his own thing smh
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Paper straw hater @fkthemturtles
Condiment King is cringe but at least he’s not copying someone else
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Curious bystander @nosybitch
So what you’re saying is that Condiment King deserves Batman more than this nobody Cluemaster?
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Paper straw hater @fkthemturtles
Not what I said but I stand by it
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Paper straw hater @fkthemturtles
[Photo of graffiti, but Cluemaster is written over with red spray paint and it now reads: CONDIMENT KING X BATMAN.]
In hindsight, it had always been brewing in the background. From innocuous jokes to private internet forums, the matter lingered in the people’s minds. But no one was outspoken about it. There was an unspoken universal etiquette that prohibited people from sharing the business of their corner of the internet to another. This etiquette kept the peace, but it was a fragile one. Because, the thing about niche internet corners was that they created echo chambers, and when the only thing being repeated back to you was your own opinions, well, eventually opinions became fact, and how dare you suggest I’m wrong.
No one expected CondimentBat to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
(Well, technically it was ClueBat, but Cluemaster was too much of a nobody that CondimentBat trended first.)
And so, the ship wars began.
Say no more @Gaylovers
Rip Condiment King someone already replaced him
[Photo of graffiti, written over where it once said Cluemaster/Condiment King is Catwoman. It now reads CATWOMAN X BATMAN.]
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Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
If you correct that wall to Bane x Batman, I’ll draw them making out
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Say no more @Gaylovers
I’ve got you bestie
[Photo of graffiti, written over where it once said Cluemaster/Condiment King/Catwoman is Bane. It now reads BANE X BATMAN.]
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Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
[Art of Bane and Batman in passionate embrace, drawn similarly to the infamous Mario and Sonic making out animatic]
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Say no more @Gaylovers
It’s so beautiful someone should display it in the Gotham art gallery
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ScareBat truther @hallowhallow
If you correct it to Scarecrow, I’ll draw you an actual gallery piece
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Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
Are you seriously doing this in my replies???
Replying to @hallowhallow
Say no more @Gaylovers
This poor wall has gone through so much. Can you believe that in the twenty minutes I was gone, Bane already got replaced?
[Photo of graffiti, written over where it once said Bane is now Cluemaster. The artist has taken care to outline the black letters with purple, so it is clearly legible despite the repeated coverups. It now reads CLUEMASTER X BATMAN.]
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Say no more @Gaylovers
Anywho, I risked my life going back to this wall so if you don’t follow through imma haunt you <3
[Photo of graffiti, Cluemaster’s name is covered in red paint. Written over it in brown spray paint is Scarecrow’s name. It now reads SCARECROW X BATMAN.]
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ScareBat truther @hallowhallow
[Digital oil painting of the Scarecrow and Batman sharing a romantic kiss. They appear to be in a field, backlit by a full moon, a homage to Scarecrow’s name and Batman’s nocturnal lifestyle. The painting evokes a sense of intimacy and fragility, a rendezvous between forbidden lovers.]
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Say no more @Gaylovers
Holy shit you had that masterpiece locked and loaded. The three attempted muggings was worth it
Replying to @hallowhallow
Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
Banebat is superior to Scarebat and you’re a fucking loser for hijacking my post
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ScareBat truther @hallowhallow
Fuck you. You only like Banebat because Bane’s bigger than Batman. ScareBat both use fear as their main weapons. They’re a perfect match!!!
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Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
Bitch bear x bear is hot and you know it. No way that twink scarecrow does anything for Batman
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ScareBat truther @hallowhallow
Twinks are hot! Scarecrow’s got a slutty waist and you know it
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Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
Batman has a slutty waist and Bane’s got big enough hands to grab them wholly
Well-fed Multishipper @shipthatbat
@Devon_Draws @hallowhallow While you were busy arguing, the wall changed again
[Photo of graffiti, it is back to being CLUEMASTER X BATMAN. Complete with swirling purple hearts.]
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ScareBat truther @hallowhallow
WHO THE FUCK IS CLUEMASTER
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Who asked? @iAsked
He’s the original guy in the graffiti but someone wrote over it with Condiment King and he trended instead
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Devon don’t wanna @Devon_Draws
Are you telling me no one fucking knows who he is but his name keeps showing up on the wall? Is this loser writing his own name himself???
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ScareBat truther @hallowhallow
OMG IS HE SHIPPING HIMSELF WITH BATMAN???
The Bats (minus Batman) gathered in the war room, reserved exclusively for big emergencies such as city levelling bullshit or world ending disasters. This was perhaps the most dire emergency ever discussed in the room. They hoped that nothing would ever come close to eclipsing this. They would not survive it.
And it all thanks to Cluemaster. Infuriatingly, the man was not here to be made aware of their frustrations. Despite all his advances, Cluemaster did nothing to reveal his whereabouts. There was only the graffiti that appeared all over Gotham, and the supposed clue left behind in the bank, only whatever clue there may have been had been destroyed by the bumblings fools on the force. If the incompetence of the GCPD endangered their dad’s virtue, the batkids were going to fucking burn that place down and dance upon its ashes.
“In just one night,” Jason began, “Nay, less than twelve hours, those weirdos shipping, urgh, our dad with just about everyone have managed to start twenty-six separate online wars, seventeen actual bar fights, and an actual inmate free-for-all in Arkham. Even worse, the art. I never wanted to see art of Two-Face and Batman making out and yet I’ve seen it thirteen times in the last hour. That’s our Uncle Harvey! And now I can’t think about him without wanting to punch his lights out.”
Dick patted Jason’s shoulder in commiseration. “I’ve seen things I can never unsee… They were all untagged. Untagged, Jay! Just, out there in the wild for anyone to see. Worse are the ones tagged in the main tags. I had to slog through all the art just to find a nugget of useful information on Cluemaster. What has the world become? Is there no sense anymore? Since when has etiquette become a thing of the past?”
Jason despaired and held his head in his hands. “Dick. Dick, what did we do to deserve this? Brucie, I get. He’s a playboy. Or at least, he used to be, before he got us. But, Batman? He’s a broody overgrown furry. He calls himself vengeance. Why do people want him? Why do they ship his rogues with him?”
“Dad is a hunk,” Cass stated, her calm matter of fact voice cutting through the theatrical wailing in the room.
Her brothers looked aghast at her.
“Cass! Who taught you that word?” Dick asked, as though Jason didn’t attempt to teach Cass how to swear immediately after she learnt how to say their names. Honestly, Dick sounded more scandalised now than when he heard Cass say ‘fuck’ for the first time.
“I did,” Babs confessed. “We watch movies and shitty soap operas together. She had to learn the concept to understand poorly thought out character decisions.”
Tim hummed. “People do do questionable things because they’re thinking with their d-”
Dick slammed his hand against Tim’s hand and stared at him with wide eyes. “Timmy, let me pretend you’re an innocent child who believes that storks deliver babies.”
Perhaps it was the shaky desperation in Dick’s eyes that convinced him. Instead of aggravating his brothers any further, Tim just nodded and put on an innocent facade.
“That’s fucking gross. Stop that. It makes me wanna slap the lunch tray out of your hands,” Jason mocked.
Dick captured Jason in a headlock. “Jay, I am not suffering through another 50 shades of hashtag from Tim again.”
Jason shivered dramatically. “Oh Gotham, why’d you remind me? I’d only just got over that. It feels like it was only yesterday that B was trending for the wrong reasons.”
Babs ruffled Jason’s hair. “Your dad is hot, Jason,” she explained. “His hotness attracts attention.”
Jason growled at her. “Your dad is hot!”
“Ew, Jay, commish?” Dick gagged. “He’s like, ancient! More ancient than B!”
Babs flicked Jason’s nose. “Yeah, my dad is hot and I suffer for it. And my dad isn’t that old, Dick. Bruce is just young.”
Dick sighed. “Why did B have to be a teen dad? Maybe if he was standard dad aged, we wouldn’t have to deal with this.”
“Fat chance, Dick. My dad has fan accounts.”
The conversation was dealing more poison damage to the unfortunate children of DILFS the longer it continued.
“You know, I think if we all put our minds to it, we can invent mind bleach,” Jason proposed.
“I’m good at chemistry. You can be my test subject,” Dick agreed.
“Before giving each other lobotomies, how about we find out who started all this?” Babs interjected. “From what Arthur Brown’s cellmates say, the man was pretty homophobic. I don’t think that he’ll flirt with another man, even if it was to derail the investigation. He’d never suffer the ‘indignity’. That means someone else must be behind the note and the graffiti. Someone who’s aware of Cluemaster’s movements, and most likely where he is.”
“Alright.” Jason stood up and cracked his knuckles. “Find the culprit of our suffering, arrest Cluemaster, and make them both examples to the damn internet what will happen if they don’t behave.”
“I don’t think public executions are in style anymore, Jay.”
Just then, there was a knock on the door. “Kids? Dinner is ready.”
“Kay, Dad. Oh, you’re not allowed to do solo patrols for a while.”
“I’m not injured,” Bruce immediately replied.
The bats exchanged glances that Bruce could not see from behind the door. The fact that that was what Bruce’s mind immediately jumped to was telling. They swung the door open and looked Bruce up and down.
“Not injured,” Cass declared after a long hard stare.
Bruce let out a sigh of relief. “I told you I wasn’t.”
Jason squinted at him. “You speak like a guilty man.”
“Because you kids always ban me from solo patrols whenever I’m even the slightest bit injured,” Bruce grouched. “I’m the adult here.”
The batkids snorted and patted Bruce on the shoulder on their way to the dining room.
Green is the superior colour @willpowerliterallypowers
Really disappointed to see Batships going viral and yet they’re all rogue x bat. Batman’s a hero, he should be shipped with other heroes! In fact, why isn’t Batlantern trending. The homoerotic tension between them can power the entire country #batlantern
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Fortress of deez nuts @iEatRocks
Sybau the real ones know superbat is where it’s at #superbat
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Amazon rainforest not prime @donttouchmyicecream
Wonderbat nation rise #wonderbat
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Stranded in Mars @oreosandcats
Bruh Martian Manhunter literally admitted to copying Batman’s cape #martianbat
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Narnia survivor @finallyleftthatcloset
Wait guys i think that's the green lantern’s alt??
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Fortress of deez nuts @iEatRocks
Omg what did he get hacked
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Narnia survivor @finallyleftthatcloset
No i think he did that fr
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Stranded in Mars @oreosandcats
Yeah he’s a well known media troll
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Amazon rainforest not prime @donttouchmyicecream
No but like what if he was being fr
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Narnia survivor @finallyleftthatcloset
I mean if he’s doing it on an alt…
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Fortress of deez nuts @iEatRocks
??? Are we just deciding that’s GL’s alt?? Like, is it confirmed???
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Narnia survivor @finallyleftthatcloset
Well, it’s that or he’s a very obsessive role player
Batman, Black Bat, and Robin jumped down the manhole closest to Killer Croc’s base. They deliberately let their combat boots thud loudly against the ground as stealth wasn’t their goal tonight. Croc hadn’t been dragging people into the sewers for a good few months, and he had shown a willingness to cooperate a few times provided he was paid for his efforts.
“Batman,” Croc greeted, smile wide and teeth glowing in the dim lighting of the sewers. He stood tall over Batman, and hunched over too close to his face. “What brings you down here tonight?”
Black Bat and Robin flanked Batman’s sides, glaring fiercely at the rogue.
“I’m here for information, Waylon,” Batman answered.
Croc chuckled and stood straight, finally taking his too sharp teeth away from Batman’s face. “Of course you are.”
“Is Cluemaster hiding in the sewers?” Batman asked.
Croc grinned. “I’ll tell you if you give me a kiss.”
Black Bat and Robin hissed before pushing Batman behind them.
“Piss off, we’ll find him without your help,” Robin growled.
“Batman, out of your league,” Black Bat added.
“Aw, but didn’t you see all those fan edits of us together?” Croc cooed mockingly before bursting into laughter.
“Waylon.”
“Alright, fine. He’s not in the sewers.”
“Thank you. You’ll get your payment soon.”
“Aw, no kiss?”
“No kiss!” Black Bat growled. She stood in front of Batman and gestured something at him. The Dark Knight blinked before smiling indulgently and pressed a soft kiss to Black Bat’s forehead. “For me,” Black Bat declared.
“And me!” Robin echoed. He stood in front of his father and happily received his forehead kiss too.
With that, the Bats left the sewers, the sound of Killer Croc’s laughter echoing behind them.
Starlight city @gothicprincess
All this nonsense about Batman and the rogues when we all know the perfect person for him
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Starlight city @gothicprincess
Batman, the dark knight, protecting Gotham with fist and body. Bruce Wayne, the gothic prince, nurturing Gotham with philanthropy and progression. Batman operates in the shadows. Bruce Wayne works in the light. They both love Gotham more than anyone. Together, they make Gotham the city it deserves to be
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Starlight city @gothicprincess
If that’s not poetic enough for you, Batman is the mysterious vigilante, silent and unknowable. Bruce Wayne is the charming socialite, friendly and open. They’re opposites and yet they complement each other like salt and pepper. The classic golden retriever x black cat pairing we all love so much #BruceMan
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Nino @donutperceiveme
That’s very beautiful and you have convinced me but I just can’t get over how stupid the ship name is #Batwayne #BruceBat
Robin was seething. He had been forced to watch Killer Croc, the Penguin, Black Mask, Two-Face, Riddler, Clayface, King Shark and all three Sirens flirt with his dad tonight. Most of them were just joking, but some of them, he fucking swore some of them were serious. Some were one too many. He already had to share Batman with his siblings. Robin was not going to share him with some nobody home wrecker!
Out of the corner of his eyes, he spotted a figure sneaking about in a shadowy alleyway.
“Batman, I’m going to check that out.” He jumped down before Batman grunted his permission.
Down in the alley, he could make out the beginnings of–
“YOU’RE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL MY SUFFERING!”
A brick flew into his face.
“Robin!” Batman pulled him into his embrace and checked his face for wounds. The brick luckily wasn’t thrown very hard, and Robin only had the beginnings of a small bruise on his cheek, and a small scrape.
“Let me go!”
Black Bat caught the brick throwing graffiti artist and brought her over to Batman.
“B, she’s the one who’s been doing all that Cluemaster stuff!” Robin snitched.
"Guilty," Black Bat concurred, holding up a purple spray can with her free hand.
Batman stared at the culprit. She wore a purple hooded cloak with a black face mask, blonde hair pulled to the front of her face to further hide the shape of it. Batman could still tell that she was a child. Around Robin’s age.
The girl squirmed under Batman’s gaze. “Okay, fine! I’m the one who left the clue that the fucking pigs lost, and I’ve been tagging all the walls around Gotham with Cluemaster x Batman.”
Robin gagged. “Stop! My dad is not available!”
“Is he taken? Oops, I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known. I just wanted to piss off my shitty dad ‘cause he’s homophobic.”
“He’s not taken but he’s unavailable anyway! Off limits! No one is allowed to have him!”
Batman ignored Robin’s childish whining and grunted. “Stephanie Brown?”
The girl made a ‘I fucked up’ face and tried to hide it. “What? Who’s that? I’m Spoiler! I spoil the works of shitty rogues and shittier fathers.”
“Stephanie Brown. Where is Arthur Brown?”
“If I tell you, will you let me arrest him?”
Batman grunted.
Bat Report @BatWatch
Cluemaster has been caught and handed to the GCPD by a new vigilante. Witnesses heard her talking to Batman about training. We look forward to seeing more from her!