Chapter Text
Tobirama lies in bed with a bandage wrapped across his forehead crying.
It’s the first time he’s cried since Itama died but he can’t help it, the mark hurts so bad. Almost as bad as the shame does. He feels so small right now. Why did it have to happen to him - he was only trying to be a good brother, even if lately Hashirama seems to have forgotten him in favor of his new Uchiha friend, he still wanted to avoid his brother being hurt by Butsuma.
Despite all of that, he doesn’t regret what he did.
He protected Hashirama and his friend. Hashirama would have been devastated if he got to the river and their father had killed his friend in front of him. It would have broken him and Tobirama didn’t want any more grief to shadow his brother’s eyes. Madara was a good friend to him, cheered him up when Tobirama failed to do that, so he had to do something to avoid tragedy.
It was the right thing to send a signal to the Uchiha about Madara’s location, even if he had used all of his stealth skills to do it and risked imprisonment at best in the hands of their enemies. While he hoped that would mean they would keep Madara away, the alternative - the confrontation that followed - was fine too. No one died.
Hashirama hadn’t even been punished - just chastised for having such poor observation skills that he couldn’t recognize an Uchiha standing right in front of him. A very light punishment if compared to what he had to endure because of it. It’s not like his brother ever received the sharp burning anger of their father, no. That privilege seemed reserved only for him.
Tobirama had received a harsh beating for not alerting Butsuma of their meetings as soon as he was aware, and when that didn’t satisfy Butsuma’s wrath, his father had sat on his arms and chest and carved the Senju mon into his forehead with a kunai infused with chakra to prevent it from healing without scarring.
Being marked like this…only traitors to their clan receive that kind of punishment. A death sentence to most, because no one wants to get on the bad side of the clan that had exiled their clansman. No one trusted a branded man to be honest in their dealings, meaning almost no means of surviving in the outside world and taking independent contracts to earn money. Some were even outright killed when exposed.
His father had told him to be thankful for his kindness for putting the mark high enough on his forehead that his hair will cover it, then having the audacity to add that as far as he was concerned he’s a traitor to their clan, even though Butsma can’t prove it because Tobirama had been extremely careful when sending the message to alert the Uchiha. Well, Butsuma has never needed something as trivial as solid proof, only his suspicions based on the Uchiha showing up were enough to deem his second son guilty and to inflict correction.
With an angry red mark still healing on his forehead, Tobirama does his best to clean it and bandage it while blinking away the angry tears that escape his eyes. It will be obvious to anyone what they are hiding underneath since he hasn’t reported any training injuries on his head in the last few days so he finds himself with no other alternative but to hide the bandages by wearing his happuri, even if it hurts the fresh wound and stalls the healing process on the skin.
Wearing his happuri will have to become part of him. Always. No one will see him without it. Not even at home where his brother stays blissfully unaware of what passed between their father and Tobirama. He doesn’t need to carry that burden too - and Tobirama doubts Hashirama would truly understand how disgraceful it was to receive such a mark. Sometimes, he can’t believe how naive and childish his older brother can be, how self centered and unconcerned with others he is.
Worse than receiving the mark - to have to stay still under Butsuma while he carved it in his skin - is the aftermath, when his father spits in his head, looks at it with pride every time he sees it even if it is covered with his happuri, he makes sure to torment Tobirama, to never let him forget it what was done to him.
Butsuma, in his sick mind, sees it as a sign of his loyalty to their clan. That he wears their clan moon engraved on the happuri openly on his head for everyone to see. In his eyes, Tobirama is proving his loyalty to him and redeeming himself for his traitorous actions.
He doesn’t understand his father’s logic and he doubts he ever will. Not that it matters by this point - it’s not like the scar can be erased and the happuri go. His fate is sealed just like that. At least, it does what his father wants to accomplish. His whole clan thinks he wears it as an ultimate show of support to the Senju. That his one and only duty is to the clan, even over family. As if he has suddenly become a fanatic overnight.
There is no one in the world he hates more than his father after that. They never had the warmest relationship, not even close to paternal, but Tobirama feels so betrayed by the person who was supposed to at least treat him like a human being instead of a weapon that he wishes he had never known his father. That he hadn’t been born to this cursed clan. At least, somewhere else, even as a civilian, his chances of happiness and living with people who truly cared for him were higher than this.
Sometimes though, sometimes his brother is a close second in competing for his hatred.
To Hashirama, the fact that he started wearing it the day after the confrontation at the Naka is a slap to the face. As if he is trying to prove to their father and him that he is the better, more loyal son. Hashirama once even accused him of wanting to be their father's favorite so he can be made clan head over Hashirama. The accusation hits like a blow to the chest.
He would never. If anything he trains harder, and keeps their father's attention on him for Hashirama. That ungrateful bastard.
It festers resentment under his skin. He can only bear so much of Hashirama’s accusations before he snaps, he can only endure so much of his brother’s hurtful stares before he wishes to knock some sense into that idiot’s wood skull. So yes, sometimes Tobirama hates his brother a bit - maybe a lot, depending on what it is that Hashirama is whining complaining about.
His brother, who he used to look up to, who he thought could do no wrong. The one person in the world he once knew without a doubt in his mind that he could trust, that would protect him, was little more than a stranger now. Now he spits cruel words and harsh judgement. He’s become someone Tobirama knows he can’t trust.
It wouldn’t happen if only Hashirama wasn’t so determined to see the worst in him, despite everything he does to protect his brother, to fulfill both of their clan obligations before Butsuma can see Hashirama slacking, there is nothing Tobirama can do to change his mind. Even when he openly supports his brother's idea of deescalation in the war in the council - against their father mind you - Hashirama still doubts him.
Even openly confronts him about it, not even waiting before they are in a more private setting, away from their elders and their father’s ears. Because his brother is a rash idiot who has no control of his own emotions.
“You’re such a suck up,” Hashirama calls him snidely, “thinking you can change sides so easily. I see what you’re doing, otouto,” he spits the word like it’s an insult. Maybe it is. “ Just because father may step down soon, it doesn’t erase what you’ve done all these years for him. I know what kind of person you really are. I’m not dumb. You’re worse than him and if you think you can manipulate me by this cheap support-”
The words hit like a blow. Cheap support-?
“How fucking dare you?” Tobirama finally snaps. He forgets entirely that they are out in the open and anyone can see their disagreement. He is done. “Do you have any idea what I have done for you? What I have suffered for you? You are a self righteous bastard. If you don’t want my support, fine. I will sit back and be silent at every clan meeting. I will be your second in command in name only. Be your sword just as you call me father's. Command away Hashirama-sama. I’m done sticking my neck out for you just to be slapped down by both you and father.”
His piece said loud and clear, Tobirama storms away, not caring about the open gasps of disbelief coming from the prying people surrounding them. He doesn’t know if his father stuck around to listen, nor does he think his father will care about the fight at all. He’s probably proud to hear Tobirama call himself Butsuma’s sword.
Tobirama has never spoken to his brother like this and it feels like the heavy chains that bound him are finally snapping and breaking. Like all the words and hurt and anger that have been building up in him have finally broken free.
That person out there is not his brother. Brothers support each other. Brothers love each other. Hashirama is nothing more than his clan head, and he will behave as any other member of the clan from now on. If nothing he does is good enough for the high pedestal of Hashirama’s expectations of him, he will stop trying. There’s a limit for how many humiliations, beatings and disappointments he can endure.
Tobirama is so angry that he fumes all the way home in his steps. A course of action already taking form in his mind. He can’t continue to live with those two a minute longer. After the death of his mother and younger siblings, he tried to keep going, to endure the silent, suffocating pressure of Butsuma’s imposing figure upon him. And then after that his brother's judgmental silence, which eventually turned into hateful words. Not that every interaction with his brother was bad. But they certainly weren’t good, it was all bullshit and he didn’t deserve this treatment.
No more. The moment he steps into the feels suffocated, as if the very air inside this residence is poisoned. Hashirama never notices, of course. His brother is always with his head in the clouds, always living in a fantasy world of his dreams of peace instead of really noticing their father’s actions. Or perhaps he behaves like that on purpose so that Butsuma never picks on him - his mokuton being the only guarantee that their father can’t afford to treat him the same way he treats Tobirama.
No one else is here to his relief when he enters the house and goes straight to his room. He looks around his bedroom and determines what he needs to take, what he can pack that his father won’t come back and claim as his and make him return - or worse, accuse him of robbery.
He packs his armor, his clothes, his weapons and his books since he keeps all those things in the cabinets and they won’t notice nor know what is gone. His bedding and furniture he leaves. Better to avoid his father’s questions. Besides, they probably won’t even notice he’s gone. Especially his father, he avoids him in the house as much as he can already. Only ever joining them for meal times, and even that he only joined them a few times a week. Usually getting up before both his father and brother and often coming home after they’ve eaten dinner.
He takes his belongings and moves them all to his lab on the outskirts of the compound. No one comes out this way, so no one even notices him walking with a bunch of storage scrolls with him towards that direction. He makes no secret of his actions. He has nothing to hide but it is a relief to not be stopped and questioned about his decisions. With his anger barely contained, Tobirama isn’t sure he would be able to keep the venom out of his words and avoid backfire later. Ideally no one will know where he’s going. Few in his clan are even aware of where his lab is.
His laboratory is not built to live in, but his clan isn’t known as the clan of a thousand skills for nothing, and he is no slouch. It only takes a few months and he’s expanded a whole addition to his lab. Attached right to the side of it, though reinforced in case of any accidents, and the door is outside so he can’t go from the house to the lab. Just for safety reasons. He now has a small two room home that has a small kitchen that serves him well since he’s only cooking for one after all, and only needs a small table with a single chair.
He has no need for a living space since his books and scrolls are placed with the new shelves he makes in his lab. So in place of a sitting room, or any other unnecessary rooms he makes himself a modest space next to the kitchen that he considers his bedroom with space for his weapons, armor and clothes, attached to it is a modest bathroom with a shower. He does miss the large bath they had in the main house, but living here is far better than a bath could ever be worth. Besides, he can go to hot springs on missions if he so desires to relax.
He doesn’t know why it surprises him, but it takes over six months for Hashirama to even suspect he’s moved out of the house. He tries to tell himself he doesn’t care. He’s too angry to care. He doesn’t give a shit what Hashirama thinks about him or if he thinks about him at all. He pretends it doesn’t hurt him, tries to tell himself that his brother was just busy all these past few months with training to assume the leadership position in their clan but…There’s only so many lies he can tell himself before he is forced to admit to his broken heart that his brother doesn’t care for him the same way he cares for Hashirama. He has to stop the questions that follow in his mind after that admission, though.
Because if he doesn’t, then he’ll spend the rest of his time wondering when Hashirama stopped caring or if he ever cared at all - since he chose to not even support Tobirama through their shared grief during their three major losses in their lives.
The incident, as Tobirama prefers to label it, happens after a clan meeting while he’s trying to hurry away before his father can try to speak with him. Hashirama certainly hasn’t tried to in these past months so he doesn’t take the proper precautions to avoid him - a fatal mistake in this case that he takes notes to not repeat it.
“Are you seriously so childish that you won’t even come to meals any more? It’s been months. Time to get over your tantrum.” If anything, Tobirama privately thinks, Hashirama’s tone is the childish one. That and he’s the only one that’s ever been emotional enough to throw a tantrum.
Tobirama scoffs and gives his bro– no, Hashirama his most judgmental look. “If you are here to demand my presence at a meal, Hashirama-sama, then tell me when I should be there. Otherwise don’t you think the eating habits of your lesser clansmen is a little below you?”
“Don’t call me that!” Hashirama snaps, with an angry but petulant whine.
It’s pathetic. Does he really think that he can manipulate him with his stupid emotional outbursts still? After their last discussion. Not that it could really be considered a discussion, but he can’t possibly think things haven’t changed. No. Fuck that. Tobirama is done.
“Don’t call you what? Hashirama-sama? Would you rather me call you my clan heir? Senju-sama? What would you prefer?” Tobirama responds coldly. Hashirama doesn’t deserve to know how he feels. He will keep his emotions and his chakra locked down tightly.
“None of that! But fine. If you want to be spiteful and angry because I called you out on your little performance then fine. Be petty.” Hashirama furiously snaps. For a moment he thinks he sees hurt in his brother's eyes, but it’s replaced by hateful anger so fast he’s not sure it ever happened.
“If that’s all, I’ll take my leave. Hashirama-sama.” He bows stiffly and walks away.
He hears Hashirama’s growl in rage behind him but that’s not his problem. Clearly his absence is hardly even being noticed if it took that long before being addressed and that’s fine by him. He bets Hashirama has only come looking for him because he must’ve done something that earned Butsuma’s reprimand and, without Tobirama there to take away the attention and block the blows, Hashirama had to truly endure their father for the first time - and only then noticed Tobirama’s absence. Because this is what Tobirama is for: to act as a punch bag, physically and verbally, for Butsuma in Hashirama’s place. To hashirama he is little more than a whipping boy, only there to take his punishments in his place.
He assumed that Hashirama would avoid him after that. That he would feel the same way Tobirama does. That they are better off staying away from each other.
After that conversation though, it’s like Hashirama won’t stop seeking him out. If this had happened after their brother’s funeral, Tobirama would’ve been so happy. How many times had he wished for Hashirama to seek him out - to comfort him and share his grief with him - instead of looking outside the clan for friendship? How many times has he wished for his brother to ask after his health? To show he cares about him in any way?
Now it only makes him sad and angry, because he knows he isn’t being sought to rekindle their brotherhood. Instead he is being sought for whatever stupid reason Hashirama can come up with and it will result in nothing else but conflict between them.
“Why did you cover the retreat today? Usually you fall back with me.” It is a question that can easily earn him a disciplinary punishment among their shinobi ranks. Though he doubts his brother would actually take such an action. It would cause a ruckus in the clan that wouldn’t die down for a long time.
“Because I felt I was better fit with the rear guard.” He answers and before Hashirama can come up with another question, he adds quickly: “If that’s all I have to clean my armor.”
Hashirama doesn’t stop him as he walks away. Not that he expected him to.
Or:
“You didn’t sit beside me during the council meeting today.”
“Why would I? I’m not the clan heir, I’m a spare. I don’t have an actual rank. I never should have been up there in the first place. If you see fit you can request me by your side when you are clan head. Father had no objections about where I chose to sit.” He explains tiredly, feeling weary beyond his years. “If you have nothing else Hashirama-sama, in case you missed it in the meeting, I have a mission I need to prepare for.”
Again Hashirama says nothing. It would be more surprising at this point if he did say something.
Or:
“Why are you taking on this many missions? Other clansmen need the income too.” As if he doesn’t have to sustain himself and earn enough to continue all of his experiments too. Of course he still isn’t sure if Hashirama knows he’s moved out or if he thinks he’s just gotten really good at avoiding them at home.
“Of course they do, Hashirama-sama. I’ve only been taking the missions no one else wants but they take because no one else will. Have there been any complaints about my missions?” He asks, knowing there haven’t been. His clansmen have been thankful for him taking on all these missions they don’t want.
“Well no, but what do you need the money for anyway? Why are you taking them in the first place? It’s hardly expected for an heir of the clan to take missions like those.”
Sometimes Hashirama looks and sounds so stupid when he talks. Does he not realize how entitled he sounds?
“I’m not the heir. You are Hashirama-sama. If you decide to declare me as such once you are clan head then I will only take missions you approve of. Until then I will take the missions I choose as I see fit, or are assigned to me by my clan head or elder council.” As all other clan shinobi are allowed to do, he doesn’t add.
To be honest, Tobirama is tired of pointless conversations that lead them nowhere. Which is what led him to his newest jutsu after months of tests and formulas. Hiraishin. An instant travel to any place he had his markers placed on.
So the next time he saw Hashirama walking towards him, he disappeared. He wasn’t there to see the shock on his face but he can imagine it and oh, that brings him satisfaction. It’s been a long time since he’s felt anything other than tiredness and sadness and it makes him excited like a child with candy to see how many times he can make a fool of Hashirama.
Tobirama doesn’t stop there. He does it again, and again, and again. Each time he could see Hashirama getting more and more pissed. It’s a nice revenge, all things considered, especially because it is a mild one since he can’t act directly against the Senju clan heir.
The downside of it is that while he can avoid Hashirama to his heart’s content, there is still one person he couldn’t fully avoid - his father. A shame, truly. If Butsuma wasn’t his clan head, he certainly would without thinking twice.
“Tobirama.” His father doesn’t have to ask him to come, Tobirama is trained well enough to understand his father is demanding him to come stand at attention.
“Otou-sama.”
Butsuma narrows his eyes at him. “Is this new behavior some new form of rebellion or have you finally learned your place?”
“I’ve learned my place, I will be only as you see fit, and then as Hashirama sees fit once he is clan head.” As if he would ever admit to rebellion after that last punishment. He has to look at the scars daily, it’s not like he could forget what it is to disappoint Butsuma.
“Hashirama complains frequently about your avoidance, is there a reason for that? Something I need to correct?”
He isn’t sure if Butsuma means correct in him or Hashirama, and while he isn’t on speaking terms with his brother any longer, it doesn’t mean he wishes him harm. He may have no desire to be around, and take his brother's abuse, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want to see his brother protected. He is, after all, the future of their clan. Besides, he has wasted too many hours on keeping that idiot alive and not on Butsuma’s radar and throwing it all away now seems counterproductive.
His decision to protect himself, and his anger at Hashirama have done nothing to dull the love diminish the respect he has for his brother his clan heir. There is no person on this earth that he loves respects more than Hashirama. And he would throw himself in front of a sword for him any day.
“I don’t believe so. Hashirama made it clear to me that he doesn’t trust my council, nor does he want my support. Until he tells me otherwise I will be like any other clansmen unless you require otherwise of me.”
His father appraises him. “And if this distance you are creating makes him choose another heir?”
“Then that is his right. He shall be married in a year and I’m sure Mito-hime will be expecting within months of that. I doubt my status of heir means much anyway.”
“If you intend to see this course through then do as you please. However, if your brother falls before he has a proper heir ready to take over for him, I expect you to take over as clan head no matter who Hashirama tries to assign. I will discuss this with the elders to make sure my demand is known. Your brother has always allowed his emotions to cloud his judgement. As long as you do what is necessary if the time comes, then do as you please.”
“Of course.”
“Good. I’m sure it will please you both to know that I’m sending you to Uzushio. They require a bride price of six months of work. Obviously Hashirama must stay here, so you will go.”
“I’ll leave at once.”
“Good. I expect you to leave by the end of the day.”
“Understood.”
Conversations are always so much simpler with his father than with Hashirama because Butsuma is straight forward and says what he means, his demands are well defined and known. He always expects nothing but perfect obedience which is easy to give - or fake in Tobirama’s case.
He doesn't bother telling Hashirama goodbye, he assumes his father will inform him of his departure. Or if not, maybe Hashirama won’t even notice as it is typical of him.
-.-
To be continued…