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I am not in love with Eddie Diaz Buck thinks to himself while staring at the mirror. He thinks it over and over again as he gets ready. He tells himself this story: Eddie is a friend. A fleeting crush, maybe. But love is not this. I’ve been in love and this is not love. It’s a like. That’s all. Just a like. Because Eddie is a friend.
He repeats the story until his mind wanders elsewhere, anywhere but Eddie. This became a new routine for him after his talk with Maddie and that unfortunate night with the ex. Buck cringes thinking about how he let the man touch him.
Buck heads to the station, and sees Bobby talking to Ravi and another man. Someone new, a probie probably. He had dark curls. He was the only feature Buck could make out by only staring at his back.
Bobby: ah! There he is. Buck, come here. Meet the new guy
Buck walks over and the man turns to him. The moment Buck lays eyes on him, he’s smitten. The man with the dark curls had a dark mustache and beard to match, and Buck smiled while looking at it because for an instant he pictured Eddie with his. The man’s eyes were a whiskey brown that sparkled in the sunlight.
Buck: hey…
Ravi side-eyes Buck.
Ravi: this is Arjun
Buck: Arjun..that’s…
Arjun: Indian. Yes
Buck: you don’t look like a probie
Arjun: you’re right. I’m probably closer to your age than Ravi’s yet I’m just a rookie
Buck: probie. Rookies are cops
Arjun: still learning
Buck: I could show you some things
Arjun: yeah?
Bobby: show him around. Give him the grand tour
Buck: follow me
Buck walks and Arjun follows.
Ravi: I thought I was supposed to give him the tour
Bobby: Buck needs something to keep his mind off Eddie
Ravi: and mentoring Eddie’s replacement is supposed to do that?
Bobby looks at Ravi confused. Ravi realizes his tone and straightens up.
Ravi: I’m sorry, sir.
Bobby: go clean the trucks
Bobby walks away.
Ravi sighs and heads to the trucks.
In the kitchen, Buck shows Arjun around.
Buck: and this is where we eat and cook. Can you cook?
Arjun: not really, no
Buck: I’ll teach you. I consider myself more of a baker, but I can teach you some of that too
Arjun smiles.
Arjun: thank you. That’s very sweet
Buck smiles.
A couple of months later, the crew is in the kitchen eating.
Hen: this is so good. I need your recipe, Arjun
Chim gets up for seconds.
Arjun smiles awkwardly and looks over at Ravi.
Buck: I taught you well
Ravi gets up and puts his plate in the sink. Arjun gets up to do the same.
Arjun: thank you..for..you know
Ravi: relax. It’s one meal
Bobby: looks like we know who’s on kitchen duty for the rest of the week
Arjun and Ravi look at each other. Arjun gives him pleading eyes
Ravi: fine. But you owe me. Huge
Arjun smiles as he heads back to the table.
Bobby: Eddie reached out…he’s coming back
Buck: Eddie Eddie? My Eddie?
Buck instantly realizes what he says and goes quiet hoping nobody caught that. He scans the room and makes eye contact with Ravi.
Bobby: yup. Our Eddie. He’s starting tomorrow
Buck: he’s in town?! He didn’t even call me. He always calls..what happened? What about Chris?
Bobby: Chris is coming with him
Ravi: does that mean you’ll be apartment hunting?
Buck: it means I have to call my best friend and ask him why he didn’t tell me.
That night, Buck gets home and calls Eddie.
Eddie: hello?
Buck: why the hell did I have to hear it from Bobby?
Eddie: Buck-
Buck: don’t Buck me! Where are you?
Eddie: Chris and I are at a hotel
Buck: why? Just come home
Eddie: it’s not our home anymore. It’s yours
Buck: it’s yours. Please..just…I’ll move out soon. But sleeping in a hotel before your first shift is miserable
There’s silence on the other end for a moment.
Buck:…Eddie?…
Eddie: fine, yes. Okay. We’re on our way
Buck smiles.
About an hour and a half later, there’s a knock at the door and Buck opens it. He looks at Eddie and his heart swells.
Chris: Buck!
Buck hugs him.
Buck: hey, buddy! How was Texas?
Chris: it was fine..but here is better
Buck laughs and looks at Eddie as he lets go of Chris. Eddie hugs Buck. Buck savors it.
They order a pizza and eat.
Eddie: it looks..different in here
Buck: different good or different bad?
Eddie: just..different
Chris walks over*
Chris: I don’t have a bed
Buck: oh..shit…I completely forgot. But hey, it’s okay. You can sleep in my bed
Eddie: and where will you sleep?
Buck: on the couch.. and you…the other side of the couch
Eddie: as much as I’d love to wake up with back pain, I think I’ll just sleep on the floor
Buck: you two can take the bed
Chris: I’m in high school. I’m not sleeping with my dad
Buck: well?…
Chris: I’ll sleep on the couch. You two take the bed
Eddie and Buck look at each other and go to argue but Chris raises his hand at them.
Chris: I promise I won’t be up all night playing video games. And you’d probably hear it anyways *sits on the couch*
Buck: it’ll be fine
Eddie: totally fine. We sleep in the same room during overnight shifts. The only difference is that we’ll be a little closer
Buck: exactly. Totally normal. Totally fine
Eddie: yup…
Chris: goodnight!
Eddie and Buck go to the bedroom and Buck looks at Eddie
Eddie changes into his pajamas and Buck immediately looks up at the ceiling.
Eddie: relax, Buckley.
Buck looks at Eddie who’s half dressed and starts changing too.
Eddie gets into the bed. Buck follows after.
Eddie: don’t hog the covers
Buck: it’s my room
Eddie: it was my room first
Buck rolls his eyes*
They turn off the lights and the moonlight shines through the window. Buck’s heart races faster than his mind. He tenses up, unable to relax, unable to sleep*
Eddie snores softly. Buck stares at the ceiling, hyperaware of the mattress under him, how it’s dipping under another person’s weight. Of the covers and the coldness between them caused by the space between the bodies. Of how when he puts his hand in the covers, he can feel a heat coming off of a body that’s not his own. Of how easy it would be to ruin a friendship.
All of these things along made it unbearable for him to close his eyes. He looks over at the clock and sees it’s been nearly two hours since they laid their heads. How long until the alarm rang? How much sleep could he get?
Lost in the math of it, his hyperawareness suddenly brings him back into the room as Eddie rolls over and put his arm around Buck. Buck’s heart pounds and he hesitates for an agonizing moment of fighting his own mind before rolling to face Eddie.
Buck’s pounding heart begins to ache staring at the face of the man he swears he doesn’t love. Buck studies every line on his face. He feels Eddie’s steady breath blowing against his skin and he resists the urge not to touch him. Buck relaxes. He calms down and his eyes get heavy as his brain turns off.
The next morning, Eddie has his arm wrapped around Buck and he wakes and sees Buck’s resting face.
I do not love Evan Buckley Eddie thinks to himself as he stares at Buck. He thinks it over and over again as he gently strokes Evan’s back with his thumb. He tells himself this story: Buck is just a friend. This is not love. I cannot love a boy. I’ve loved before. I’ve loved girls, and Buck is not a girl. Buck is just a friend.
This has been a part of Eddie’s morning routine for so long, it’s become second nature.
Laying there with Buck, something in Eddie felt a desire he couldn’t name, couldn’t face. Eddie got out of the bed. His heart, aching with a pain Eddie couldn’t bear for a reason he couldn’t accept.
Eddie got ready for his first shift, and while eating breakfast, he saw Buck come out of the room ready too.
They drove to work together and Eddie was welcomed back with hugs and cheers.
Bobby: welcome home, Eddie
Hen: we missed you
Chim: you’re on bathroom duty
Eddie laughs.
Ravi and Arjun walk over.
Eddie: hey, Ravi
Eddie hugs him and sees Arjun.
Eddie: hey..I’m Eddie
Eddie holds his hand out and Arjun shakes it.
Arjun: Arjun
Chim: he’s your replacement
Eddie: oh..cool
Bobby: let’s get to work
Bobby claps his hands and everyone disperses
Eddie: so..what’s the new guy like?
Buck: you’re technically the new guy
Eddie: you know what I mean
Buck: Arjun is great. He never complains about duty, his cooking is amazing, and he’s amazing in the field
Eddie: seems like the total package
Buck laughs
Buck: you tease, but if I’m being honest…
Buck looks to see if anyone’s around
Buck: I kinda got a crush on Arjun
Eddie’s heart sinks
Eddie: what?
Eddie forces a smile
Eddie: really?
Buck: really…he’s tall, his hair is incredible, and have you looked into the man’s eyes? You know we kinda had a moment? I was showing him how to cook, and I swear we almost kissed..or maybe it was all in my head. But look, on our last shift together, he-…um…are you comfortable talking about this stuff?
Eddie: what stuff?
Buck: the other side bi stuff?
Eddie: Buck, you’re my friend. You can tell me anything
Buck: well..we when we came back from a call, we were changing and I was bent over digging in my bag, and he was behind me, reaching for something in his locker and his dick pressed up against me
Eddie: oh…
Buck: you’re uncomfortable. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything
Eddie: no, no it’s not that. I’m just..shocked
Eddie felt adrift and every word out of Buck’s mouth made him feel more and more untethered
Buck: I was thinking of asking him out
Eddie: no
The word left his mouth faster than he had time to process it
Buck: no?
Eddie: he’s..you should be careful. What if he’s not gay?
Buck: right…it was a stupid crush anyways
Eddie: no, no, it’s not stupid. It’s just..you know
Buck: not proven that he’s gay?
Eddie: exactly
Buck: maybe I can get the process rolling
Eddie:..sure
Buck: will you help?
Eddie:…why not?…
Eddie regrets it the moment he says it.
Fifteen minutes later, Buck goes to Arjun.
Buck: so..you catch Dragrace last night?
Arjun: I’m not much for reality shows
Buck nods and takes the information back to Eddie
Buck: gay
Eddie: he’s said he didn’t watch it
Buck: but he knows what it is
Eddie: so? My grandmother knows what it is
Thirty minutes later, Buck finds Arjun.
Buck: hey so…you ever been to that bar in West Hollywood? Pink something?
Arjun: I don’t drink
Buck: got it, got it
Buck finds Eddie
Buck: gay
Eddie: how?
Buck: I’m still trying to figure that out
Twenty minutes later, Buck finds Arjun again
Buck: so you got a girlfriend? Or maybe a boyfriend?
Arjun: I’m single
Buck: no boyfriend?
Arjun: nope
Buck: no girlfriend?
Arjun: that’s what single means
Buck finds Eddie.
Buck: gay
Eddie: he said no
Buck: he didn’t deny the possibility
12 minutes later, Buck finds Arjun again
Buck: quick question
Arjun: I’m gay
Buck: what?
Arjun: the answer to all of your coded questions? Gay
Buck: oh…
Arjun: you sound disappointed
Buck: no! No, not disappointed
Arjun: good
Buck: very…I actually wanted to know if you’d-
The fire alarm goes off and everyone rushes off. They get in the truck and head to the emergency, a relatively small house fire. They put it out quickly and Buck goes to the homeowner.
Buck: so..what exactly happened?
Toby: I have absolutely no clue. Spontaneous combustion most likely. It’s more common than people think. My grandma exploded a couple years back. She’s fine now, but she hasn’t been the same since
Buck:…huh
Amy: he’s stoned. Or drunk. Possibly both. He started the fire
Buck: did his grandmother-..never mind
They return the fire house and Buck tells Eddie what the man said, making Eddie laugh.
Buck: oh and by the way..gay
Eddie: not gay
Buck: no, really. He told me. I think I’m gonna go for it and ask him out
Eddie’s laughing smile fades and he studies Buck’s face for a second. He sees how excited and happy Buck is and the ache returns. He forces the smile back.
Eddie: that’s..well dating a coworker can get messy
Buck: not if we keep it casual
Eddie: there’s no such thing as casual
Buck: maybe I’ll marry him
Eddie’s smile falters
Buck:…what? What’s wrong?
Eddie: nothing. I just remembered I have to do something
Buck is hesitant to believe him but lets Eddie walk away. Buck goes looking for Arjun and sees him in the kitchen looking completely confused
Buck: hey..everything okay?
Arjun: have you seen Ravi? He has my…butter
Buck: Ravi’s walking around with butter?
Arjun: not that type of butter
Buck: there’s..what?
Arjun: huh?
Buck:…I..I’ll come back later
Buck walks away and bumps into Ravi
Buck: Arjun’s looking for you
Ravi goes into the kitchen and sees Arjun randomly going through cabinets
Ravi: you needed me?
Arjun: thank god. Come help me
Ravi shakes his head and goes over to him. Ravi starts pulling ingredients
Arjun: can I ask you something?
Ravi: sure
Arjun: Buck..what’s his deal?
Ravi laughs to himself*
Ravi: he’s been in love with Eddie for years
Arjun: Eddie? Really? I thought they were just friends
Ravi: they don’t want to be
Arjun: Buck was trying to hit on me
Ravi: on you?…no. Buck is too into Eddie to do that. Besides, I don’t think Bucks are what you usually go for
Arjun: what do you think I go for?
Ravi shrugs*
Ravi: opposite of a buck. A doe?
Arjun: I do love big doe eyes. But I’m into bucks
Ravi looks confused
Arjun: I’m gay
Ravi: oh!…oh…
Arjun: most Indian dudes aren’t super accepting or supportive, but you seem to be. At least with Buck and Eddie and Hen and her wife
Ravi: yeah. Of course. Super supportive. I’m just…shocked
Arjun: so what’s your deal?
Ravi: mine? Oh I’m..I don’t know
Arjun: you don’t know?
Ravi: I’m straight?
Arjun: are you asking me?
Ravi: no? No. No. I’m..I’m straight
Arjun smirks
Ravi: I’m serious
Arjun: no I’m sure you are. Which is disappointing since I know that the only way my parents would be even sorta okay with it is if I marry a nice Indian boy
Ravi: are you proposing to me?
Arjun: are you considering it?
Ravi laughs and shakes his head*
That night, Buck and Eddie return home.
Buck: so then I asked him if he’d go out with me and he said yes.
Eddie: that’s great, bud
Buck: where should I take him?
Eddie sighs and grabs a beer from the fridge. He sees Christopher asleep on the couch.
Buck nods him over to the bedroom and Eddie follows
Buck: I’m thinking a casual place, you know?
Eddie drinks and sits on the bed*
Buck stands in front of him*
Buck: what’s wrong?…
Eddie: I’m just tired
Buck: you’ve been off since I brought him up
Eddie: yet you keep bringing him back up again
Buck wonders for a moment if Eddie’s jealous, but he pushes that thought away and grabs some pajamas and puts them on.
Eddie watches him
Buck pretends not to notice.
Eddie gets up and goes to the kitchen with the empty beer bottle. He stands at the sink and sees his reflection in the window. He turns around and grabs a bottle of whiskey. He takes a swig it, letting it burn his throat. He drinks some more before wiping his mouth and going to the room. He sees Buck in the bed scrolling on his phone and takes off his own clothes. Buck forces himself to stay focused on the screen. Eddie climbs into bed with only his boxers on. Buck looks at him.
Eddie: what? I run hot
Buck: oh I’m aware. I could barely sleep last night
Eddie: get comfortable
Buck: you smell like…
Eddie: I got thirsty
Buck: are you sure you’re okay?…
Eddie: I’m fine
Buck takes his shirt off.
Eddie checks him out.
Buck’s mind races and he leans toward Eddie to say something but Eddie flicks off the lamplight
Buck sighs and lays down
Eddie looks over at Buck. The room is dark but the light from outside is illuminating the room just enough. Eddie lays down and kisses Buck
Buck pulls away in shock
Eddie kisses him again
Buck kisses back. Buck gets on top of Eddie and kisses him deeper. Eddie holds Buck’s hips and kisses down to Buck’s neck. Buck’s heart beats so fast and hard that Eddie can feel his pulse with his lips. He gently bites him and Buck kisses him again then kisses down Eddie’s body. He pulls down Eddie’s boxers and takes him into his mouth. Eddie lets out a moan as Buck starts sucking. Eddie plays with Buck’s hair and as he gets harder, he thrusts into Buck’s mouth. Eddie eventually climaxes and Buck pulls away to swallow just as Eddie sprays another rope onto Buck’s face. Buck takes him back into mouth and Eddie shivers as he spurts the last bit he had in him. Buck kisses Eddie and Eddie smiles. They cuddle until morning.