Chapter Text
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“Wait, what?” Shen Qingqiu freezes in his seat, fan concealing part of his face, as he digests what he just heard. A blue screen appears in front of his face showing a quickly rising percentage.
[ Memory Upload 7%... 9%... 17% ]
“Shidi?” Yue Qingyuan, sitting on a slightly raised dais to his right, turns to him questioningly. “Was there something Shidi wanted to add?”
Shen Qingqiu pays him no attention, fully focused on the screen in front of him.
[ Memory Upload 69%... 79% ]
‘System! What memories? What memories!’ He thinks loudly, mind racing furiously.
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[ Memory Upload 99% ]
He stands in alarm, eyes fixed in front of him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he is vaguely aware of the sounds of rising concern surrounding him. Maybe someone approaches him, calls out to him. Maybe someone even risks propriety to put a hand on his shoulder.
[ Memory Upload Complete! ]
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Shen Qingqiu collapses.
---
Dreams, memories.
---
–my territory. I’ll kill–
You meddle too much!
–Xiao Jiu!
Qi-ge will come back-
–nothing but a mutt-
–dare look me in the eyes!
Sorry. It’s Qi-ge who let you down.
Liu Qingge, I’ll definitely kill-
–never let me hear that name, ever again.
–rest, you’re safe here.
---
Shen Qingqiu wakes. Slowly at first, confused and sluggish, then all at once. Qi-ge…! And that little beast– no, Luo Binghe, not a little beast; Binghe, his precious disciple.
He sits up.
The strong stench of herbs indicates he’s on Qian Cao peak and he wonders, vaguely, if he had another qi deviation; one strong enough to send him into Mu Qingfang’s tender care. But no, he hasn’t had a qi deviation in years, not since he– transmigrated? Lost his memories?
Who-who is he, really?
He lets his head fall into his hands, hair hanging loose around his face. He runs his fingers through his hair before stopping abruptly.
Someone took out his hair crown.
He straightens in alarm and looks down at himself.
Someone took off his outer robes.
Someone touched him while he was unconscious. Someone had access to him while he was defenseless, unconscious, unaware of the world around him. Someone took liberties with his body.
His skin crawls. Someone– What did they do to him? How long was he unconscious?
“Shixiong?”
His chest feels tight; he can’t get enough air. He gasps desperately. Someone–
“Shixiong!”
His vision narrows and turns fuzzy around the edges. Pinpricks of pain. A loud thumping sound echoes around him. Someone–
“Shixiong! Stop!”
A hand closes around his wrist. Someone–
“Don’t touch me!” He recoils from the touch, curling inward, clutching himself protectively and backing away as much as the limited bed space allows. Someone–
They back away, hands out, giving him space.
“Apologies, Shixiong, this one means no harm. Can you breathe with me? Please, Shixiong, just follow my breathing.” They take a deep breath, hold it in for a count of three, then let it out.
Breathing, yes, that sounds like a good idea. Shen Qingqiu tries to follow along, lets his breathing fall into rhythm with the person in front of him.
They repeat this a few times, calm and soothing breaths, hands held open in front in a gesture of peace.
Mu Qingfang. It’s just Mu Qingfang.
His martial brother would not harm him; he has taken care of him so many times over the years. But then again, what does he really know of him? Men are animals, men cannot be trusted. No, no, Mu Qingfang can be trusted.
His breathing slows. Mu Qingfang can be trusted, he repeats to himself. He gathers himself once more. He’s on Qian Cao Peak, Mu Qingfang at his side. He is safe here. There is no one here to hurt him.
He forces himself to relax.
“A-apologies, Mu-shidi.” His voice is rough and he clears his throat. “This one was merely caught off guard.”
“No need for apologies, Shixiong, this master should have warned him before touching him. This master only worried that Shixiong was hurting himself. Shixiong seemed to be… in distress.” Mu Qingfang approaches slowly, carefully telegraphing his movements and keeping his hands in sight at all times. “Shixiong collapsed suddenly during the last peak meeting. His martial siblings were very concerned for his well-being. May I check Shixiong’s meridians?”
He offers his hand, palm up, but makes no move to get any closer.
“Yes, of course.” He places a slightly trembling hand into Mu Qingfang’s. Is-is that blood under his fingernails? He is suddenly aware of a stinging sensation along his scalp. He feels– tense, but he isn’t sure why. He keeps his eyes on his hand, peripherally aware of Mu Qingfang. “Thanking Mu-shidi for his care.”
“It is only what this one should do, Shixiong.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes as Mu Qingfang carefully probes his meridians. Eventually, Mu Qingfang releases his hand and pronounces him healthy, though his meridians are still somewhat disturbed. He would do well to get more rest, Mu Qingfang states with reproach.
Shen Qingqiu ignores the look with the ease of long practice. He clasps his hands together, holds them protectively on his lap.
“What happened?”
“Hmm, this master was hoping Shen-shixiong might be able to clarify this actually. Shixiong became alarmed during the meeting and then suddenly collapsed, but there were neither indications of outside influence nor could we detect any unusual fluctuations in your qi beyond a certain level of distress. Does Shixiong have any idea what might have occurred?”
“No.”
“Is Shixiong certain? There is not much this master can do at this time without more information, anything that might–”
“How long was this one unconscious, Mu-shidi?” Shen Qingqiu interrupts. There is little he wants less than to admit the truth, right now.
“A few days, Shixiong.” Mu Qingfang gives him a look, but magnanimously lets it go.
“I see.”
They fall silent. Mu Qingfang patiently sits at his side. Shen Qingqiu wills for him to leave, wills for some unfortunate disciple to burst in with some emergency. He wants nothing more than to scream, to yell, to hit something. Fury fills his chest and it feels like he might just explode if he stays much longer. Anger at the world. Anger at the System, anger at stupid, useless Qi-ge. Anger at all those things that went wrong in that-that vile book. At the things he did. The wolf in sheep’s clothing waiting for him on Qing Jing peak; what is he to do with that beast now? Unleashed, free to roam… How–
Mu Qingfang’s voice cuts through his spiraling thoughts. “Shixiong. Shixiong, breathe with me, please.”
Shen Qingqiu suddenly realizes that his breathing has picked up again and forces himself to listen to the healer, forces himself to slow his breathing and match Mu Qingfang’s again.
In. Out.
In. Out.
He needs space. He needs– Something. Anything. Peace and quiet. Solitude.
He breathes, Mu Qingfang guiding him.
In. Out.
They fall silent once more. The fury has dissipated – for now – and Shen Qingqiu just feels… tired. He wants rest, but something tells him there will be little rest to be had. Not here, not on Qian Cao peak. Unfamiliar, busy. He wants his bamboo house. He wants the Warm Red Pavilion. He wants his cozy little bedroom in his old condo, with his family and– Were they even real? Or was it all made up? A nice little fiction made up by the “System” to help him reach a happy ending.
He wants these memories gone. He wants to not think about any of it, he wants to forget it all. He wants to be Shen Yuan again. He wants to never have been Shen Yuan. How do you mourn for memories you never even had?
He wants Qi-ge’s arms wrapped around him, his comforting warmth, long-forgotten. He wants to slap Qi-ge, he wants to hurt him, he wants to tear him apart. He wants–
He wants–
He doesn’t know what he wants.
“Doesn’t Mu-shidi have better things to do than to stay with this master all day?”
“This master’s disciples are perfectly capable of handling themselves for a brief period of time. In any case, this master set aside this time to check in on Shen-shixiong. Now that Shixiong is awake, this master is more than willing to use the excuse to get some time away from the noisy brats.” He answers with a teasing smile.
Shen Qingqiu feels himself go cold. An excuse, is it.
“This master,” he feels distant, disconnected, “is glad to provide such a convenient excuse for Shidi.”
Mu Qingfang’s smile falls off his face.
“Shixiong–”
“And he will be even more glad,” he interrupts, “to get out of Shidi’s hair as soon as possible and to return to his peak, so as not to further inconvenience Qian Cao peak.” Mu Qingfang tries speaking up again but Shen Qingqiu speaks right over him. “This master will get out of Mu-shidi’s way. No doubt there is much work to be done. Heavens know this master’s disciples cannot be trusted to keep up with the busy work without supervision.”
“Ah. Shixiong, this one would feel more comfortable if you would stay another night on Qian Cao peak–”
Shen Qingqiu tenses. His grip tightens. He does not look at Mu Qingfang, he doesn’t want to see how Mu Qingfang looks at him. With scorn, maybe. With pity, probably. With reproach, definitely.
“Will Shidi not permit this master to leave then? This master thought Shidi would be pleased to have him out of the way so he could go back to more important duties.” He glares at Mu Qingfang out of the corner of his eyes. “Or does Shidi need more excuses to dodge his duties.”
Scorn, pity, reproach.
A deep sigh.
“Shixiong is, of course, free to leave at any time. If he would prefer to return to Qing Jing peak, this one will have a disciple bring his robes over.”
Mu Qingfang stands up, offers a short salute, then hurries out of the room. Escaping his presence, a part of Shen Qingqiu whispers. As stated, a disciple arrives moments later with his robes. Alone in the room once more, Shen Qingqiu takes a moment to breathe.
That… could have gone better.
He sighs, then quickly readies himself and heads off. Things will be better once he’s back on more familiar grounds.
As he leaves the main ward of Qian Cao peak’s sprawling set of buildings, Mu Qingfang calls out to him.
“Shixiong!”
“Mu-shidi.” Shen Qingqiu snaps his fan open, glad for the additional protection it provides. He quirks an eyebrow at his Shidi, approaching at a rapid pace. “Was there anything else?”
“This one merely wanted to– This one wanted to make sure that Shixiong knew that he is always welcome on Qian Cao peak, whether due to injury or simply to have tea. Shixiong is never an imposition, nor is he a mere distraction.” He blurts out in a hurry, expression irritatingly earnest.
Taken off guard, Shen Qingqiu simply nods.
“Ah. Yes. Thanking Mu-Shidi for his care.” He says, before turning on his heel and hurrying off. Escaping, a voice whispers in his head.
He barely catches the answering: “It is only what this one should do, Shixiong.”
It sounds oddly like a challenge.
---
There is no peace to be found on Qing Jing peak either.
When he took over the peak, Shen Qingqiu made the decision to have his residence located deep within the bamboo forest, isolated from all the other buildings on his peak. Being far from everything else gives him some measure of peace.
And yet, he can still feel the presence of people all over his peak, crawling up and down the mountain like ants on a steamed bun. There is an itch at the back of his head, a buzzing in his ear, a ghost of a sensation all over his body.
He tries to sleep but he can feel them out in the distance, all around him, everywhere.
Surrounding him, waiting for him to mess up, waiting to pounce on him when he’s weakened. Waiting to take advantage, waiting for him to falter.
Always there, always waiting.
no, they are his martial siblings, his disciples. they came for him when he needed them, they are on his side, they–
They’re just waiting for the right moment, for his guard to lower, it’s only a matter of time before they turn their backs on him. Before they betray his trust. Just like- Just like Qi-ge did–
but no, Qi-ge came back, he came back. idiot! moron! he came back and he never said! he waited until he thought he was on his death bed to say anything, how dare he! but he came back, he did, he didn’t abandon him, he never forgot, he–
Would Qi-ge have said anything if he didn’t think it was over? Would Qi-ge have hidden this from him forever, let him think he had been abandoned forever? Qi-ge-
qi-ge was scared too, he was scared. it's not an excuse, but he was scared. he can understand being scared, scared enough to lash out, to hurt. how much life force has he used? qi-ge–
Qi-ge… Is Qi-ge going to leave him again? Leave him alone on this miserable mountain, surrounded on all sides by people who despise him, people who look down on him–
no, nonono, they’re his martial siblings too! they don’t despise him, they don’t, theydonttheydonttheydont–
They–
Shen Qingqiu rises, sleep forgotten. He attempts to meditate, thoughts a mess.
---
Yue Qingyuan visits the next day, his patented disappointed older brother frown on his face.
“Qingqiu-shidi. This master heard that Shidi awoke yesterday. Yet, when he went to visit, he was told that Shidi had already left. Mu-shidi mentioned that he would have preferred for Qingqiu-shidi to remain longer on Qian Cao peak, but that Qingqiu-shidi refused. This Shixiong wanted to ensure that Shidi was well. How has Shidi been? Did Shidi manage to get some rest yesterday? Mu-shidi mentioned that it was imperative for Shidi to rest properly.”
Shen Qingqiu can already feel a headache building, frustration bubbling up. He tamps it down. Qi– Yue-shixiong means well, he does. He shouldn’t feel so frustrated at his martial brother simply for being worried.
It’s not like it was before, it’s not. He knows it’s not simply a way to assuage his guilt, Qi-ge came back for him, Qi-ge didn’t abandon him. Qi-ge cares, he does.
A breath. In. Out.
“Thanking Shixiong for his worry, this master will ensure he gets proper rest.” He replies, curt despite himself. “If that was all, Shixiong, this master has much to do today.”
He starts to close the door, but Yue Qingyuan stops him.
“Shidi doesn’t look well.” He insists. “Perhaps Shidi should visit Qian Cao again today to ensure that he is truly well. He was unconscious for several days; it cannot be good–”
“If that was all. Shixiong.” He repeats through gritted teeth.
“Shidi…”
“Shixiong knows the way.” He closes the door, wincing at the loud slam.
His chest feels tight. His head hurts. His vision swims.
A breath. In. Out.
---
“Here.” Liu Qingge unceremoniously shoves a bag full of herbs at him. “From Mu Qingfang.”
He turns on his heel and walks off, not waiting for a response.
“What– What the hell am I supposed to do with this, brute!”
Liu Qingge stops in his tracks and turns to answer him.
“No idea. Mu Qingfang said you would know.”
“Well, tell him to mind his own business!”
“I’m not your messenger, tell him yourself.” Liu Qingge frowns, then turns to leave again.
Shen Qingqiu watches him go, stunned speechless. As Liu Qingge leaves his field of view, he finds his words once again.
“THEN WHY BRING THIS?!” He screeches at the retreating back.
Liu Qingge does not bother answering.
He slams the door of the bamboo house and stomps back in with the herbs. A short inspection confirms that he does, actually, recognize them. Qi-stabilizing herbs, a constant annoyance before his- last qi deviation.
A breath. In. Out.
The herbal brew is, maddeningly, soothing.
---
“Shixiong, this one heard you had some questions regarding the treatment plan?”
Shen Qingqiu stares at Mu Qingfang standing innocently at his door, too confused to be frustrated at the constant visits.
“Hm? This master believes that Shixiong said to ‘mind my own business’, did he not? This is very much ‘my business’, Shixiong.” His smile widens. He looks vaguely threatening in the evening light.
Shen Qingqiu resists the urge to flinch back; he refuses to give ground in his own home. He stands firm.
“Thanking Shidi but this master believes that, as he has left Qian Cao peak, he should not be considered Shidi’s ‘business’ at this time. There is no injury to tend to.”
“That can be arranged quite easily, Shixiong.”
“You-you’re a healer!”
“And, as a healer, it is important to me that Shixiong be in good health.” Mu Qingfang continues smiling at him. “Might this Shidi come in?”
He walks in without waiting for a response.
Shen Qingqiu is left standing at his own door, baffled at the turn of events.
Mu Qingfang’s treatment helps. His head clears. His chest loosens.
Tension remains.
A breath. In. Out.
---
Liu Qingge is at his door again, some strange beast in a bloody heap behind him.
“A Two-Headed Soft-Spined Weasel. Qi Qingqi said the fur is high quality.”
He leaves.
Blood pools on the steps.
He can feel his headache growing as he calls for his disciples to clean the mess.
Breathe. InOut.
---
Yue Qingyuan, hopeful look on his face.
“Shidi, this master hopes that you would join him for tea in the city? Mu-shidi mentioned that some fresh air might be beneficial.”
A wave of cold sweat washes over him; his heart hammers in his chest.
“Another time, Shixiong, this master feels a bit under the weather today.”
He closes the door before Yue Qingyuan can answer.
Breathe. InOut.
---
Liu Qingge, with another beast.
More blood to clean.
More disciples trampling around his house.
BreatheInOut.
---
Mu Qingfang, with more well-meaning, forceful, demanding concern.
A short-lived relief.
BreatheInOutInOut.
---
Liu Qingge, thankfully with another herb delivery rather than an ill-thought-out present.
The brew helps little.
BreatheInOutInOutInOut.
--
Yue Qingyuan. Mu Qingfang. Qi Qingqi. Yue Qingyuan. Wei Qingwei. Liu Qingge. Liu QinggeYueQingyuanLiuQinggeMuQingfang–
BreatheBreatheBreathe–
---
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
His head is pounding, his chest heaving. He can’t see straight, he’s not sure just who is here to bother him today, but he’s had enough.
“GO. AWAY! GOAWAYGOAWAYGOAWAY!”
BreatheBreatheBreathe–
---
Word spreads. They leave him alone.
Peace, at last.
(Why is peace so lonely?)
Breathe–