Chapter Text
Daniil is not a good person.
In his defense, he never claimed to be.
Saying Daniil had a rough childhood would be an understatement. He grew up in a strict Orthodox household, where the order went: God-Father-Mother-Child. That was how the world worked. If Daniil did something his father didn’t like, he’d get the belt. It was common for Daniil to cover up around extended family, hiding what his father had done. There were plenty of nights where Daniil would quietly sob in his room, praying that his father wouldn’t hear.
Men didn’t cry.
Daniil needed to be a man.
It took 19 years.
19 years of constant abuse. Daniil has been spanked by cold worn leather far more times than he could count. He had almost all of Leviticus memorized due to how many times he had to write down bible verses as punishment. 19 years of being alone, because he couldn’t reach out for help.
The breaking point was seeing his dad hit his mom.
It caused something to snap in Daniil. His father would never be a good person. He would hide behind the guise of God to continue to cause pain.
Daniil buried his father far from where the cops would look for him. Not that anyone reported it. No one liked his father.
After that, his mother left. Daniil knew she was scared. Scared of what Daniil might do to her. He was 50% his father after all.
Sometimes it felt like more.
***
A few years later, Daniil would meet Vera.
She was a beautiful woman with short curly blonde hair that seemed to bounce with every step.
He saw her at Divine Liturgy. She must’ve been new in town. Good, Daniil could get to her before his reputation did.
Daniil awkwardly shuffled up to Vera after the service had concluded. She was grabbing her thick woolen coat. Daniil tapped her on the shoulder and she gasped and turned around.
“You have a beautiful singing voice,” Daniil flashed a smile. Was this how people flirted? Butterflies filled his stomach, as he almost overheated in his blue turtleneck. The woman in front of him returned the smile.
“Thank you. I’m new around here so I’m glad that someone was willing to take a chance. I’m Vera.” She held out her hand to shake it. As Daniil gripped it, he realized just how soft and well-manicured it was. Her hand felt amazing.
“I’m Daniil.” He shook Vera’s hand.
“Well, it's nice to meet you, Daniil.” She looked up Daniil up and down as she smiled. Daniil awkwardly chuckled, as he realized he was still holding her hand. He quickly let go, and awkwardly coughed. Vera simply smirked, before looking down at her watch.
"Oh, shit, I'm going to be late," She sighed. Vera smiled one last time as she turned around to leave. Before Daniil could yell after her, she was gone. Daniil looked down at his hand, noticing a small piece of paper. Her number was hastily scribbled onto it, with the words “call me ;)” underneath. Daniil could have married her on the spot.
That did end up happening. In Daniil's defense, it wasn’t exactly on the spot. They dated for 6 months. Daniil was madly in love with Vera and knew he could spend every day with her for the rest of his life. It was miraculous that he waited 6 months. Vera ended up accepting. They had a moderate but beautiful wedding in the same church where they met.
The first few months of their marriage were lovely. They had a quick honeymoon in Sochi, before Vera moved into Daniil’s house.
For the first time ever, Daniil had someone.
They debated starting a family, but Daniil was always adamant. Vera would try to convince him that children would do them some good. Even if it was just one, having someone to raise and take care of would be healthy. They could finally be a normal family. Daniil could break the cycle of abuse that he had gone through.
Daniil would always smile and nod, place his hand on Vera’s shoulder and say something along the lines of, “That would be wonderful honey, but let’s give it a few months. We still have plenty of time, and we still have so much to do.”
That always seemed to do the trick, as Vera would back off after that.
Vera started becoming antsy though. Daniil would come home from a long day at work. He worked in construction. It meant that he didn’t have to go through the motions of cheesy office talk, and by the end of the day he was so exhausted that his trauma couldn’t bubble up and cause a panic attack.
Daniil walked through the door as the nostalgic savory scent of pelmeni hit his nostrils. Vera smiled at him from the stove. Daniil walked behind her, gently grabbing her waist.
“Why’d you decide to make one of my favorite dishes?” Daniil asked, as he placed his head in the crook of Vera’s neck.
“Well, I wanted to make you something nice. I also wanted to talk about something important.” God, that meant she wanted to talk about kids again. Daniil smiled, hopefully cutting it off before it bubbled up into a fight.
“You know sweety, work hasn’t been paying as well, it’s harder to find good gigs right now. We should probably get more in our savings-”
“Daniil, sit down.” Well shit. Daniil went to the table, and sat down looking at Vera. She walked over, handing Daniil a small bowl of the stuffed dough. They quickly murmured a small prayer before Daniil started eating. Vera didn’t touch her bowl.
“Daniil, you keep pushing it off. Do you even want kids?” Vera looked concerned. Her brows furrowed as she was deep in thought. Daniil quickly swallowed down his food to respond.
“Look, of course I want kids, just not right now-”
“You’ve been saying that for months Daniil. When is the right time?” Vera was clearly frustrated.
Daniil didn’t know how to respond. The truth was, the thought of having kids was terrifying. There was so much that could go wrong when it came to kids. Vera didn’t seem to understand that. She was always looking on the bright side.
Daniil looked into Vera’s eyes, which were tearing up. Daniil couldn’t take it. He stood up from the table and went over to the fridge. He rummaged around until he found his beer, grabbing a can to sip on. He pulled on the cold cans tab, listening to the sanctifying hiss. This would make the conversation easier.
Daniil could feel Vera’s gaze on his as he sat back down. She clearly wasn’t happy about the beer.
“Can we have a serious conversation without you cracking open a can of beer?” Vera’s voice wavered, as Daniil could tell she was holding back tears. She acted like a beer was going to kill him. It simply eased up the conversation, so everyone could be happy.
“Look, it’s just a beer. It goes well with pelmeni!” That clearly didn’t comfort Vera as she looked down at her bowl.
“I don’t want you using beer to feel better, Daniil. I don’t want you to become an alcoholic.” Her voice was quiet, as if whispering a confession. Daniil almost chuckled at her worry. An alcoholic? That was stretching the word a lot.
“Look, it's just a beer. It’s not like I’m drinking whiskey. You can’t be an alcoholic if you only drink beer, the stuff’s too weak.”
“Daniil, I’m serious. You can’t keep using it to make our conversations easier, I want to talk to you sober.” Vera pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to calm down. Daniil sighed.
“You’re making this a bigger deal than it has to be. I promise you, everything is fine.” Daniil stood up and walked over to Vera placing his hands on her shoulder. She twisted away from him.
“And what about the kid thing Daniil?”
“We’ll get around to it, okay? We’ll have one eventually.”
Vera didn’t seem happy at the answer, but she didn’t respond. Daniil called that good enough. Fights like this were common enough. Vera was always so fickle. She acted like everything was a personal attack on her. She would say Daniil was terrible with emotions. It’s not like Daniil could be open about that stuff, that’s not what men did. Men were providers, leaders, it’s not like they could start sharing how they felt about everything. That’s weakness.
If it was just the fights, Daniil wouldn’t call himself a bad person. There was something else, Daniil did.
Daniil wasn’t gay.
He loved Vera to the moon and back. She just didn’t…fulfill his needs. It was probably because of the kid thing. There wasn’t much Daniil could do about that.
There was a local bar Daniil would visit on Friday nights. It was a couple miles away from the agency he worked at. The bar was small and had a rustic theme. There were usually only 5-6 people in there when Daniil would go on Friday. It was just enough to keep the bar afloat. Normally, Daniil would grab a few beers, and then drive home.
One night, there was someone new.
He was a half foot shorter than Daniil, and was adorably round. He practically looked like a woman in the sweater he was wearing whilst sipping some fruity cocktail. He had jet black hair that helped to frame his pale round face.
He was so cute.
Daniil was just going to talk to him. More out of curiosity than anything. New faces were not common in the bar. There must have been some strange reason why he was there.
Daniil sat down on the stool next to the shorter man. He glanced curiously at his drink, which was red and fizzed. Was this guy drinking a Shirley temple at a bar? Daniil smirked to himself.
“What are you drinking?” That seemed to surprise the man next to him, as he looked up curiously at Daniil.
“It’s a tinto de verano-” Daniil must have had a confused look on his face as the man explained, “It’s red wine and lemon lime soda.” Ahh. So not a shirley temple.
“Is it any good?” It’s not like Daniil would buy one. It was too effeminate for him.
“Yeah. It’s nice.” The man went to take a sip of his drink. Daniil couldn’t help but stare as the man pursed his lips around the drink. He looked hot.
“I’m Daniil.” He took a sip of his beer, as he shifted awkwardly. What was he doing? God this was a huge mistake.
“I’m Nikandr.” Nikandr looked over to him and gave such a kind smile.
Daniil fidgeted with his hands, and felt his smooth gold wedding ring on his finger. He quietly slipped it off, placing the object into his pocket.
The two men talked for a while, where Daniil learned that Nikandr had recently moved here. He had recently gotten a job as an accountant for the temp agency that Daniil was employed at. Daniil smiled at the fact that he could see that hot face every day. He also learned that Nikandr had a small apartment on the edge of town, where he lived alone.
“So, where do you live?” Nikandr asked, eyes filled with curiosity. Daniil swallowed back a large lump in the back of his throat.
“I-uh, I live outside of town, with my cousin Vera. My aunt passed away recently and the two had been close, so she’s been living with me until she can get back on her feet.” Daniil was going to hell. There was no doubt about it. Nikandr looked at him with such admiration. Daniil could feel his stomach coil with cold regret.
“That’s so kind of you. I’m glad she has someone like you to rely on,” Nikandr gave such a genuine smile. Daniil could feel a growing issue that was going to have to be taken care of quickly. He looked at the Nikandr’s soft features. He seemed so sweet, so caring, so effeminate.
Surely one time wouldn’t hurt.
They hooked up in Daniil’s old truck. It was a blur of emotions that Daniil would prefer not to stir up. There’s a lot of shame that bubbles up when it comes to that night.
Not enough to make him stop.
They would meet up every Friday for months. It was hooking up. That was it. Daniil just used it to blow off steam. There was an unspoken agreement to not let emotions get in the way. Daniil could never see Nikandr again and be just fine.
Vera never really caught on. Daniil would stumble in every Friday night and just assume that he had drunk too much. Again. There would be a few looks of concern, but eventually they’d go lie down together and everything would be fine.
Until Daniil made the dumbest decision of his life.
Vera wanted to go visit her parents a few towns over. It was an hour and a half drive, so Vera said she’d be staying with her parents that night. That was fine.
Daniil gave Vera a large hug, and kissed her soft lips as she left in the middle of the day. Daniil would be alone for the night. Well, he should have been. Nikandr gave Daniil his number, although he never called. When Nikandr asked, he said he didn’t want Vera finding out. He doesn’t remember much, but he does remember using the words “terrible gossip”.
Daniil walked over to his landline, and looked at the small slip of paper Nikandr had handed him. He slowly punched in the numbers into the smooth worn plastic of the phone. He debated hanging up the phone as he listened to the slow rings. Soon, the connected call sound played as Daniil sighed.
“Hello? Is someone there?” Nikandr’s voice came out as unsure on the phone.
“Nikandr, it’s Daniil. I was wondering if you’d uh-, like to come over?” Daniil could feel his cheeks flush as he talked on the phone. God this was so awkward.
“Is Vera there?” Nikandr asked cautiously.
“No she’s gone visiting-” Daniil had to pause as he almost said parents. “She’s visiting her friends for the night. We’d be home alone.”
“Oh, uh sure! I can be over in 20 minutes.” Daniil could feel relief flood his body with the confirmation. Daniil gave his address to Nikandr and some basic instructions on how to get there. With that, the phone clicked. Daniil could feel anticipation fluttering in his stomach. He was excited to see Nikandr again.
It took over 20 minutes, but that didn’t surprise Daniil. Instructions were hard, especially when you got to where he lived. That didn’t stop him from almost jumping from the couch when he heard three pounds on his front door. That must have been Nikandr. He peered through the peephole to make sure. The glass slightly distorted the man, making his face look wider than it should. It was funny.
“I’m looking for Daniil, is this the right home?” Nikandr’s words rang through the door. Daniil opened the door wide, motioning for Nikandr to come in.
“You’ve got the right place.” Daniil said with a worn smile. Nikandr gave a sigh of relief.
“Good, because I did not know how I would explain why I was looking for you otherwise,” Nikandr joked.
“What do you mean, we’re just friends.” Daniil stated as the two walked into his home. Nikandr gave a look of concern.
“Yeah, friends-” Nikandr said with a twang of disappointment in his voice. Daniil couldn’t understand why. It was clear that was their relationship. They didn’t really do that lovey dovey stuff. That was reserved for Vera and Vera alone.
The two went to the kitchen first so Daniil could grab a beer. The guilt ate at him less when there was some alcohol in his system. He offered one to Nikandr who shook his head slightly.
“I’m not a fan of the stuff.” Daniil shrugged. More beer for him, he guessed. He poured the bitter liquid down his throat with a satisfying gulp. He gripped the cold can as he led Nikandr to the bedroom. Nikandr seemed enthralled with Daniil’s house.
“This place is nice, how were you able to afford it?” Daniil almost spat out his beer, but managed to swallow it down with a throat-burning gulp.
“It was my father’s place.” Daniil said, looking straight ahead. The house defaulted to him, there were no other living relatives that actually cared about his father enough to take the house.
“Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.” Sympathy ebbed out of Nikandr like a river. Daniil forgot people could have good relationships with their parents.
“It’s alright. It was his time to go,” Daniil said through gritted teeth.
Nikandr took that as a good sign to end the conversation. As they entered the bedroom, Nikandr hurried along, taking the chance to spread out on the large queen mattress.
“Man, this is nice!” He smiled as he sat up to look at Daniil.
“Not half as nice as you,” Daniil said, pulling up at Nikandr’s sweater. Where Daniil had tons of chest hair, Nikandr was practically hairless. His pudgy stomach was completely smooth. Daniil pressed his hands down into the fat, squeezing slightly.
“Daniil-” Nikandr squirmed slightly, causing Daniil to touch more. His rough fingers explored Nikandr’s torso, as toyed with Nikandr’s nipples. He could feel himself growing hard as he could feel himself struggling against his jeans.
“You look so good, Nikandr,” Daniil said, leaning in for a kiss. He could see the blatant fear in Nikandr’s eyes.
“Daniil-” He continued, trying to get Daniil’s attention.
“What’s wrong baby?” Daniil said, clearly annoyed. Nikandr pointed towards the doorframe, where Vera stood.
Daniil turned around to face his wife. A look of anger flared up in her body, and Daniil was half convinced he was going to die that night.
“Daniil, what. The. FUCK?” Her voice wavered but not with sadness but with rage. Her face was beet red.
“Look, Vera I can explain, just let me-”
“In our bed, Daniil?” Tears were streaming down her face, and dripping onto the floor. Nikandr tapped Daniil on the shoulder, clearly confused.
“You share a bed with your cousin?” Daniil’s eyes widened in horror as he saw Vera almost laugh.
“You told him I was your cousin?” She stepped closer to Daniil. Nikandr’s eyes widened in horror with realization.
“Oh my God. Daniil, are you married? Was I a mistress?” Nikandr looked sick. He looked betrayed.
Daniil looked down in shame. There was no explanation of what he had done. There were no excuses he could make up to fix what he had done. The only thing that dragged him out of his self-pity was a harsh slap across the face from Vera. He deserved that. Daniil’s hands shook as he looked up. Nikandr stood beside his wife. Why did he do it? Did he need some cheap thrill? It was hard to say. Hard to understand.
The next few months were a blur. Safe to say, Nikandr didn’t talk to him anymore. Daniil didn’t go to the bar anymore, far too ashamed to face him.
Vera left him. In the slew of the divorce, the key words she used to describe him were, “A good for nothing husband that only seeks cheap pleasure.”
Thus, Daniil had once again been alone. He had been alone for 3 years now. That had been fine by him.
Daniil was better off alone.