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Ever since Thailand, the White Lotus, nothing's been the same. Piper couldn't help but blame herself, at least a little bit. They did it for me, and I lied to them.
Still, the karmic response seemed a little harsh.
But that was months ago. It's now December, and she's been helping Mom prepare for the holidays, after a chaotic, and frankly unsatisfying, Thanksgiving. Victoria had insisted on staying home, claiming she couldn't deal with other people, despite her family's protests.
Then Lochlan said he couldn't make it, that he was too busy with school. Saxon only came by for two hours, to eat, have a few drinks and then leave... but not before grabbing some leftovers for Lochy. “I'll drop it off for him, I know my way around campus,” was the breezy explanation. Mom didn't question it, and neither did she. After Thailand, all of their relationships had changed, become strained, what with Dad in prison and the stress of everything. Saxon and Lochy had barely spoken two words to each other on the way home. Something had happened, she didn't know what; they refused to talk about it. And Lochy had been pretty depressed for a while.
Piper was just glad they had apparently fixed whatever issue they had.
For the last three days, they've been getting the decorations out of storage, putting them up, making the house sparkle – maybe a little less sparkle than usual, since it was only the two of them this year – with warm holiday memories of Christmases past, when the Ratliff family was whole and untouched by any real problems at all. A part of her really missed those days, even though it was kind of embarrassing to admit. (She'd had to come to terms with so many embarrassing aspects of herself.) Back when everything was simpler, when she didn't have to worry about her future, or her brothers, or her father. And now that she'd moved back in, she was starting to become concerned about how much Mom drank, and how many pills she took. But there was no point in arguing with her about it.
Lochlan was coming home for Christmas, though. And so was Saxon, and she was surprised at how eager she was to see them, to be together as a family again. As much as they could be, at least. Hopefully Dad would be able to call on Christmas day.
So when she heard the front door open, Lochy's tentative “Hello?” she hurried downstairs, wrapping him in a big hug.
“It's so good to see you, I've missed you!”
Somehow, they hadn't hung out at all over the fall semester, his first at Duke; he kept begging off, saying he had too much work to do, and she was busy trying to deal with the fallout and figure out what her life was going to look like, so she'd let it slide. The new distance between them was to be expected, she supposed, but it still sucked.
Lochy laughed and hugged her back, and he was smiling. He was happy, she realized. And not in the way he usually was, not due to an absence of anxiety, not merely content, but a presence- something was making him happy. Something, or someone new. Her mind immediately went to a girlfriend or boyfriend (Piper wouldn't dare assume her brother's sexuality), going by the way he was glued to his phone, messaging someone every few minutes with a small, secret smile on his face.
She wondered, but she didn't ask. It was private. If he wanted to tell her, he would.
But her unspoken question was answered not much later, as Lochy, beaming, stuffed his phone back in his pocket and announced, “Saxon's coming soon!”
Saxon? That's who he had been chatting with, wearing that expression, for the last couple hours? How disappointing... and weird. Wasn't he at work, anyways? (Of course Saxon had landed on his feet, thanks to Dad's connections. He was a white male, after all.)
“He's getting off a little early,” Lochy continued. “And he doesn't have to go in for the rest of the week!” He seemed positively giddy over this fact, which struck her as odd.
“Cool, okay,” she replied, watching him curiously. “But why do you care?” Call it a sister's intuition, but something was definitely up.
Lochlan's eyes darted away from hers. “Uh, it's just, you know, nice for him, right?”
He's so sweet. “Yeah, sure.” Tried not to roll her eyes. She didn't care one bit about Saxon's work schedule, and Lochy was acting strange. “But I mean, I thought he loved working. So much. Being so busy, playing with other's people's money...”
Lochy got a bit fidgety, the way he did when he was nervous and didn't know what to say. “Yeah,” he said, giving a jerky nod. “Yeah, he does, but-” he paused. “Um, I think lately he's found like, a better work-life balance, you know?”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh, really?” Lochy pressed his lips together. “Are you guys hanging out now? Like all the time? You never come over here any more.”
“No!” Lochy practically yelped. “I- I've been so busy with school and everything, I'm sorry, I-”
Piper let out a short, resigned laugh. “It's fine, I'm just messing with you,” she said. And then she sighed. “It's just, everything's so fucked up lately.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, patting her awkwardly. “I know.” But she thought he had a guilty look in his eyes when they met hers, for a brief moment.
And then Victoria called for them, and they all gathered in the kitchen to prepare dinner. Mom did make a point of cooking around the holidays, keeping up traditions. Piper started chopping, and Lochlan was put to work, too, fetching various things, pouring Mom some wine, cleaning up after them. He didn't pull out his phone, not once.
Saxon arrived just as it was ready to be served. Of course. “Perfect timing,” he crowed, dropping his bag by the stairs. He hugged Mom, and then her, but not Lochlan, who was regarding him with a big, joyful smile, dimple fully visible. “Hey,” Saxon said, and Lochy greeted him, too, but he didn't come closer, they didn't touch. It was suspicious- they were almost being too careful to avoid each other. It wasn't like Saxon at all; he was very physically affectionate. Like, to an annoying, even inappropriate degree. Especially with Lochy.
It was just one more weird thing in what was becoming a list of them.
Something's definitely going on.
But whatever it was, they hid it pretty well. She kept catching them shooting furtive glances at each other, but that wasn't so unusual. The dreamy look on Lochy's face, though, and the obvious way Saxon kept forcing himself to look away, to focus on Mom, that was different.
It wasn't until later, when they were all heading up to bed, that she finally caught them. Piper had come back downstairs, to get some water; her brothers were in the family room. Most of the lights were off, but the tree was still lit, so she could see:
Saxon, with Lochy in his arms, in an embrace, the two of them bathed in the golden glow. She can't really see Saxon's face, but she can see Lochlan, and he might as well be glowing, too, his eyes alight as he peered up at Saxon, lips parted, curved in that same little smile as earlier. Saxon murmured something, his voice low, she didn't hear; and Lochy's answering laugh was soft, hushed. He brushed a gentle hand along Lochy's cheek, and her brother leaned into the touch, eyes closed, smile growing. He turned his head into Saxon's palm. (To place a kiss there?) They started swaying, almost imperceptibly at first, back and forth, back and forth, and she thought, stunned: Holy shit, they're dancing. Together. In the light of the Christmas tree.
“You're my present,” she heard Lochy say quietly.
It was cute, very romantic. Like one of the better Hallmark Christmas movies. But they're her brothers.
“Yeah? I got something for you.” And then Saxon cupped Lochy's jaw, his head moving down, towards him.
The breathy, needy little sound Lochlan uttered made her stomach twist.
(Her first instinct was to shout, “Wait! What are you doing??” but it was pretty obvious, and she managed to stifle the urge. It would be too mortifying, for all of them.) She turned away before she saw something she couldn't unsee, heart pounding. She thought- no, she didn't know what to think. Her mind was spinning, and she went to the fridge on autopilot. Took out a bottle.
It can't be what she thought it was, what it looked like. Impossible.
She should say something, right? What, like- are you guys fucking? Oh my god, no way. They wouldn't tell her the truth even if it was that. Especially if it was that.
No- it just, it couldn't be.
But... Lochy was so happy, wasn't he? Happier than she'd ever seen him. And Saxon, too, honestly. That had to count for something, didn't it?
(They're my brothers!!)
If she hadn't seen Lochlan's face, she would've thought Saxon was taking advantage of their sweet, naive little brother, but she had. It was undeniable: Lochy was in love, like, really in love. Nothing else, no coercion. And the way Saxon had been touching him... made it seem like it might be mutual. And not new, either. (She'd wondered before if Lochy might be gay or bi, or even somewhere on the asexual spectrum- but wow, Saxon? Had he been that repressed, for that long- and she'd never picked up on it?)
Saxon hadn't even been that annoying tonight. She'd attributed it to something else- what was going on with Dad, or his new job, or the whole family being humbled in such spectacular fashion, but maybe it was something else, something simpler.
Maybe he was in love, too.
For the first time? God knows, he'd never treated his various 'girlfriends', short lived and serial as they were, very well. Piper'd been tempted to warn them about him, but settled for making pointed, snotty comments instead. They'd figure out how gross he was soon enough. Or he ghosted them, who knows. She'd never given any thought to Saxon's love life (ugh), because he didn't have one, he was just out to get laid.
She'd never seen him be like that, like he had been, so tender and... loving. Never. (Oh, he had always been 'nice' to Lochy, if you don't count trampling all over appropriate boundaries, she supposed. Telling him what to do and how to do it, talking about things he probably shouldn't... but their little brother never complained.)
And with Lochlan, it had never come up; he'd never confided in her about any crushes, on girls or otherwise. (Maybe because he was into Saxon?) Ew. Really? She shuddered, and took a sip of her water, grimacing. She started thinking back, analyzing their interactions (and recent past) in light of this new information, and then- she heard a noise. Whirling around, she saw Lochlan, followed closely by their older brother.
“Oh-! Hey, Piper.” His cheeks were flushed pink, a tiny grin fixed on his reddened mouth.
“What're you doing?” Saxon asked, eyes narrowed, hovering behind Lochy.
“Getting some water,” she replied automatically, holding it up.
His fingers were wrapped around Lochy's arm, the other hand gripping his shoulder. Protective. He always liked keeping Lochlan all to himself.
After a second, Lochy piped up, concerned, “You okay?”
“Uh, yeah. Absolutely.” Her smile felt forced, and probably looked that way. They were all frozen in place; her chest felt tight. She stared at Saxon, panicking a little, not sure what to do or say, but he finally ended the standoff.
“What?” he asked. But he couldn't quite hold her gaze, and the laugh that followed sounded unconvincing. Piper hadn't seen him like this in quite some time; she thought he might actually be nervous.
She shook her head. “Nothing.” Studied the bright pink flower on the label of the bottle.
The silence lengthened, tension hanging in the air.
She wasn't going to do a thing.
And Saxon must've realized it, too. “Well, night.” He wore a faint smirk.
Glancing between them, Lochy quickly echoed, “Yeah, night.” And they moved towards the stairs, their bodies pressed together, closer than siblings should be.
“Goodnight,” Piper muttered, her eyes locked on Saxon's hand, resting in the small of Lochy's back. As she watched, his hand dipped lower, and then he slid it under Lochlan's shirt. Stroking him possessively as they climbed the stairs. Giggling, Lochy fell into him, grabbing on to his shoulder, practically bouncing with excitement. She swallowed. Not even trying to hide it. As if daring her to say something.
Or maybe they just couldn't help themselves.
She felt strange, all of a sudden. Kind of numb- maybe she was in shock- but also, alone. Rudderless. Because she couldn't tell Mom about this, she was barely hanging on as it was. There wasn't enough Lorazepam in the entire world. And she definitely couldn't tell Dad, he had enough to worry about, being locked up, facing charges. It was all on her, on her shoulders, and at the thought Piper was overcome with exhaustion. It's not like they would ever listen to anything she had to say, they never had, not together- when Lochy got sucked into Saxon's orbit it was near impossible to get him out.
Lochy is happy, she told herself.
Hell, Saxon is happy.
At least someone is.
As she made her way up to her room, she didn't look in the direction of Saxon's closed door. Pretended not to notice the lack of light coming from Lochy's. To her great relief, she didn't hear anything, not a sound. Mouth pressed into a desperate line, she shut the door behind her. Safe in her own room, her sanctuary, where she could pretend none of this had happened, that she hadn't seen her brothers stealing kisses by the Christmas tree.
Maybe she should meditate. It had been a while, but she really needed to clear her head. Get rid of these thoughts, these visions of Saxon and Lochy, together, dancing in her head. She lit a candle, one of her favorites from Diptyque, and sat cross legged on the floor.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Piper winced. Oh god. She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.