Chapter Text
It all started with a misconception. A rumor. One that was not much to begin with but it evolved into something so horribly deformed, so comically out of control it became a maelstrom of inconceivable proportion.
All of it was because of Velvette. Of course it was. That bitch was the only one who could transform such a non-subject into something much more... momentous. She also had the sharpest tongue in this part of Hell, something that Alastor painstakingly learned. For that sole reason, she became his favorite Vee out of the idiots that formed that unholy trio.
Not that he minded her presence. After all, he had a lot of time to lose until he could act upon his plans. Why not spend it improving his looks with Velvette? Women like her had fantastic tastes in clothes and makeup, that was a fact. Alastor had everything to gain from her expertise.
"This color's not bad on you." Velvette adjusted the light over Alastor's tied-up hands. He was still sitting on the office chair Vox put him on, his arms bound by the Overlord's cables. "What do you think? Sluttastic Rouge or Hellvacious Berry?"
"I don't know. I think I'm more of a Crimson Cum myself."
"So, I heard you were fucking Hell's tiniest Big Daddy?"
What a transition. Alastor raised a dubious eyebrow.
"Excuse me?"
Velvette let out a smirk, one of the many ones she used when she talked to a man she didn't overtly hate. Alastor didn't mind her attitude: men were notably terrible, after all. If anything, he was the textbook example of that.
"Oh come on, I'm not stupid." Funny how she looked like a little girl when her eyes sparkled like that. "We can all see there's something there. The guy spends his time riling you up and you always get all fussy with him. What is it, some kind of humiliation kink? A rivalry foreplay? You dicksuckers are so fucking cheap."
Now, that was new. In all his time in Hell, Alastor never heard those words used to describe him, not in that exact order anyway. How creative.
"I don't know what you're talking about, my dear. I don't get fussy with Lucifer. The man is, simply put, a fucking bastard. I had to tolerate him because he was my former employer's father, that's all. I guess your feeble little womanly mind likes to emulate those strange ideas sometimes. Must be in your nature."
"Come on, don't play the misogynistic asshole, we both know you don't adhere to that bullshit." Velvette rolled her eyes. "Let's face it, you never acted that way with anyone. Even with Vox. He spends all his energy trying to get your attention and you ignore him all the time, same with like, 99% of the population of Hell. But when Charlie Morningstar and more importantly her royal daddy is involved, bam! You're all ears and murderous rage. Yeah right, you're not interested! The princess is with her fallen angel bitch and I don't see her being into any polyamorous shit so what's the alternative apart from fucking her daddy-o?"
"Vox is not worth my attention." Better try to divert the conversation to a safer subject, like the homoerotic rivalry he supposedly had with Vox. Not that it had anything to do with Alastor. He wasn't into that sort of thing, after all. The mere idea of himself being in that kind of... relationship with Vox sent chills to his very bones.
Velvette was nothing like the lanky moth dunce that Vox slept with, though: she had plenty of brain cells to spare. Some might even say she owned the only brain cell of the trio, but that was a story for another time.
"Okay, so who is Lucifer for you then?"
"He's nothing but a massive pain in my proverbial ass, darling."
"Oh, he hurt your poor ass, huh?" Velvette chuckled. What an unpleasant sound. "Yeah, sure. So, is his twinkie proportionate to his height or..."
"You're being crass, my dear."
"And you're bullshitting me again. What, is it that massive?"
"I don't think..."
"That big, huh? Should've guessed. Vox doesn't even compare, huh?"
"He's not..." Alastor took a deep breath. This conversation was starting to get on his nerves. "There's nothing to reveal because I'm NOT banging Lucifer and even if I do, which I don't, it's none of your goddamn business, don't you think so, my dear?" He could feel his neck crack when he threatened her with his usual flair. Too bad that didn't work.
"Yeah, okay, no shit." Velvette smirked again. "You didn't answer my question, fuckhead. What is he to you?"
It was Alastor's time to roll his eyes, a gesture he was not used to but since he came back from Rosie's stupid mission, he caught himself doing it more and more. Fuck that shit, as Husk would say; he was so tired.
"Don't get too caught up in your queer little delusions, my dear. Lucifer and I are simply a pair..."
"I KNEW IT!" Velvette jumped on her feet with an air of glee on her face. "Wait until I tell Vox! I bet he'll cry his ass off!"
"... of badly matched acquaintances."
Velvette dialed her phone, a manic grin on her face. It wasn't long before whoever she called answered.
"Hey, Val, you know what? I won! Hah, in your face, loser! You owe me a thousand bucks!"
"Hum, Velvette? Hello?"
Alastor's calls were in vain: Velvette wasn't listening to him anymore. He saw her manipulate her phone and make grand gestures in the air, making floating screens appear around her face. The glow that emanated from them was so strong it painted the room blue. She waved at the screens.
"Hello, my little puppets, great news! Guess who's got a confirmation about the King of Hell and the Radio Demon's secret affair? This girl! This is HUGE! At least as huge as Daddy Lucifer's candy cane!"
The screens around her exploded: tons and tons of texts appeared out of thin air, more and more until Alastor felt the beginning of a monumental headache split his head in two. What a mess. A funny one for sure (Come on, he and Lucifer having a secret affair? What a joke!), but a mess nonetheless. He couldn't even imagine when the "news" would find a way to Charlie's ears. She would freak out for sure.
Scratch that, this thing was a disaster in waiting. What about his reputation? People were already surmising about the size of the Royal Dick and if Alastor was able to take it in its entirety inside his body! What kind of allegations were those?
"Let me correct you, my dear." It was so stupid, but Alastor's pride was at stake. "I'm not taking any dick in me, thank you very much. That would be quite distasteful."
"Oohh?" Velvette exclaimed, this time listening properly to what he had to say. "So what's your truth, then? Pray tell, Alastor!"
The furious buzzing of the words onscreen suddenly multiplied. Everyone was hanging on the Radio Demon's every word.
"This... minuscule so-called king would be extremely lucky to even touch my hoof, not to mention any sensitive part of my anatomy," Alastor said, his signature smile on his lips. "Too bad he's too effete to even compare."
"Huh?" Velvette glanced at the screen in front of her. "Interesting comment here, @sloggy_bastard666! I don't know if he means effeminate, but if that's true, we have another exclusive scoop here, my puppets! Shit, I'm so glad to be dead right now! Yeah, I agree, @scaryshitfuckhole24! Lucifer's Alastor's bitch? That's a fucking sensational news!"
"Pardon me? That's not what I..."
Alastor's words were rudely cut off by a series of loud beeps and rings coming from the screens. The people online were in a frenzy; no one was paying attention to him anymore. Velvette was too busy taking selfies and responding to her followers to even look at him.
"Stay tuned, Puppet Hive! Your favorite #bitch will reveal all the sordid details about the most scandalous affair in all the Seven Rings! Drop your comments and likes and share, share, share!"
Alastor sighed.
Fuck.