Chapter Text
John is underappreciated, Alex thinks. They love him, all of them do, but they don't tell him as much as they should. They don't tell him as much as he deserves to hear it.
Alex doesn't think John is perfect. He's reckless at times and he loves too fiercely, but Alex loves it. He would take John regardless of flaws or imperfections that would try to deflect him. He would let the world burn around him, let it diminish to ash under his feet, but he would never let anything stop him from loving John.
That's what loving John is. It's looking at John and knowing his flaws. It's loving him anyway.
Alex loves John's smile, his laugh. Both leave him breathless, make his heart race and his blood rush in his veins. His smile is wide, mouth opened so that Alex could see heaven in the gaps between his teeth. His laugh was open, surrounds Alex and settles in his chest. Contagious, the way John laughs.
The matter of John's voice is a different thing entirely. No matter how he speaks, in whispers or screams, is beautiful. His voice lilts, the southern accent that he was raised but not branded with showing through on some of his words. Alex would listen to him talk for hours if he was ever given the chance.
John doesn't like how Alex sees him. Not that John doesn't like himself, that's not it, it's that he doesn't like how Alex articulates his love for John, doesn't like being put under that microscope.
Alex yells about it sometimes, yells it and laughs about it because he's so happy that he does. He speaks it into his skin, smiles into the muscles of his stomach over it. John laughs, kisses Alex to shut him up. Alex loves it every time.
John is beautiful.
His hair curls down to his shoulders, soft and dwindling, smells like tropical fruit scented shampoo. His hair frames his face, makes him look different than when it's pulled back.
John has his hair tied up most of the time, so when it's not, Alex takes the opportunity. He runs his hands through it, finds the curliest pieces and fiddles with them, draws them out until they look straight, curls them around his fingers and lets them go.
The truth is, however, that Alex doesn't understand John sometimes. He's smart and he's beautiful and he's important, but he's a mystery.
Alex knows this John. Knows him how he is now, how he was when they first met, but beyond that John is a question mark that Alex doesn't need to draw at the end of a sentence he'll never ask.
John doesn't talk about it, his past, shies away from it when he can. He always can shy away from it, is always given the chance to escape the conversation if need be. John doesn't talk about it. Knows he doesn't have to.
Alex doesn't know who John was before the age of 20. Doesn't know what he did in high school or who he knew back then. He doesn't know his siblings or the parents that he never speaks about. Alex isn't sure he wants to know, doesn't think it matters.
John is different than he was six years ago. If he told stories about himself from ten years ago, it would sound like he was lying. John has grown up, he doesn't have to tell stories from before then.
Alex is proud of John, of who John has become. He's confident now, settled into his own skin. He's become more of himself, evident in the way he walks and how he kisses Alex, how he speaks to him. He has purpose, a fire in him, that Alex loves, envies sometimes.
Alex knows that John tries to be stronger than he already is. He hears the quiver in his voice sometimes, sees the clench of his jaw after he lets it slip. Alex never talks about it, knows John well enough to not. He wants to though, needs John to know that it's okay to fall apart around him. He needs to know that it's okay to confide in Alex what Alex confides in him.
John needs to know that Alex will always be there for him, no matter how much he breaks in front of him.